Post on 23-Feb-2016
description
transcript
Separated Parents Information Programme
Cafcass working with partner organisations
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Kids in the Middle
Aims of the programmeCan you make the decisions rather than the court?Relevant to most, many different experiencesWhat we are not here to do
What is expected of you?Listening
ContributingRecognising what you are
responsible for and can change
SPIP is part of a processThere are next steps that you can take, possibly out of court
SPIP offers:Ideas, and signposts
Encouragement and next steps
How can we help you to make things
better for your child?
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Group ContractR you are Responsible for how much you share
E everyone’s Experience is unique and valued
Cwhat are the rules on Confidentiality?
I speak only for yourself (using “I statements”)
P we would like you to Participate, however if you feel uncomfortable please let the trainer know
E all participants are Equally valuable
S please put mobile phones on Silent
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The Separated Parents Information Programme is designed to help parents:
Become clear what their children need most from them, as children of separated parents and, as part of this, to help them to:
Learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties between themselves and their ex-partners
Including applying these principles by planning and imagining positive management behaviours
Programme Aims
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Programme Overview1. Looks at the journey you are on and caring for your
children as separated parents
2. Focuses on what children feel and need. A DVD made by young people is shown ; you are encouraged to think about your strengths as a parent and how to build on them
3. Focuses on communication and managing conflict, helping you to learn new skills
4. Focuses on separation moving forward and next steps
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Did You Know?You are not alone:
One in four children live in lone parent families; One in ten children live in a step-family
More than 40% of marriages end in divorce National Statistics, Social trends 36
More than one in four children will experience their parents’ divorce by the age of 16
Conflict= an important influence in number of adverse outcomes for children, including behavioural ones
Divorce & Separation Outcomes for Children Joseph Rowntree Foundation
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The Separated Parenting Process
There are many different aspects to breaking up. Here are some of them: Legal
Financial
And we focus on:
Emotional Parenting
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Your Parenting Separation
Even though you are no longer partners, you are still parents
Children can cope well when their parents divorce or separate if there is low conflict and they have access to both parents and extended family
Your parenting relationship continues even though your relationship as partners stops
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A “Highway Code” As you go through this programme you’ll find various ideas
that can make a difference to your children’s life. The most important of these are: Try not to fight in front of the children or ask them to choose
sides
Accept that your children may have different feelings to yours
Think about what you can do, not what your ex-partner should or shouldn’t do
Focus on what has worked, not on what hasn’t worked
Remember, small steps can lead to big changes
Look after yourself and be the best parent you can be
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AngryJealousGuilty
DistressedSad
Depressed
RejectedHurt
Powerless
SafeCalm
RelievedHopeful
AcceptingHappy
DisbeliefShockedSurprised
FrustratedConfusedAnxious
LonelyAfraidScared
WorriedStressedInsecure
Feelings and Emotions:
Both Children and Parents
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What Children Need when Parents Separate
To be told what’s happening and how their lives will change
To know that it is not their fault
To know that it’s OK to feel angry and sad
To know that it’s fine to talk and ask questions
To be listened to
To know that their parents understand how they feel and still love them
To feel OK about loving both parents
To know that it’s all right to have different family rules in different houses
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More of What Children Need When Parents Separate
To be allowed to distance themselves from their parents’ conflict
To have a predictable routine with consistent boundaries
To know that they have two homes where they belong
To be able to stay in contact with extended family like grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins
To have access to other types of support if they want it
Have hope for the future
Above all - to be allowed to be children
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What Children Don’t NeedPost Separation
To hear or see their parents complaining about or blaming each other
To hear criticisms or negative comments about either parent
Adult information about the reasons for the divorce or details about child support
To feel that they may be asked to choose one parent over the other
To pass messages from one parent to the other
To feel like an outsider in one parent’s home
Stay Calm Listen See it Differently Speak for Myself Be clear, stick to the points and the rules Negotiate Work it out
Getting it Right for Children When Parents Part
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Tips for Contact Children should feel that they have a home with
both parents, regardless of the amount of time they spend with them
Expect resistance from children as they adjust
Avoid using children as messengers or go betweens
Try not to criticise, find fault, or compare the two homes
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Further Tips for Contact Develop a practical, “business-like” relationship with the other
parent: one centred around being able to negotiate with each other for the best interests of the children
Wherever possible take a flexible and willing to compromise stance
Don’t discuss things that might lead to an argument in front of the children: agree to take it up elsewhere and another time
Use safeguards if you are concerned about conflict during the handover
Remember that the parent who has residence is likely to experience different feelings to the other parent
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Tips for Dealing with Difficult Conversations
Even if your ex-partner is not co-operative, keep to practicalities and courtesy
Focus on what you can control --not on the things you can’t, and your ex is one of those things
Learn how to stay calm: self-regulate, manage your feelings and not behave reactively
Try to think of things from your children’s perspective
Ask yourself: “What difference will this make in a year’s time?”
Try not to get into arguments about what “really happened”: remember that people will always experience things differently
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Your Emotional Separation
When you separate you are likely to experience feelings of loss
Your feelings can be unpredictable and it can seem like you’re on a roller-coaster
Both parents and children need time to adjust to how life has changed
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Emotions Even though it is a personal experience and everyone
responds differently:
You are likely to undergo the ‘loss cycle’
You don’t necessarily go through the stages in order
It’s possible to feel the whole range of emotions in the space of 10 minutes!
The stages of loss are: Denial – Anger – Bargaining – Depression - Acceptance
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The Loss CycleAngerIt’s their fault!Energy levels rise
DenialShock
BargainingWhy me?
Guilt, Shame, It’s my fault Energy levels start to drop
DepressionWhat’s the point?
Despair, Apathy, Sleeplessness energy levels at their lowest point
AcceptanceMoving forward, hope for the future
More energy
Sleeping betterEnergy levels rise
TIME
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Taking Care of Yourself The best thing you can do for your children is to take care
of yourself; by taking steps forward for yourself you will be helping your children as well
Do things that are just for you – nurture yourself, visit friends, read, etc.
Eat properly and get enough sleep & exercise
Try to limit the emotional energy you give to the conflict
Express your feelings by talking to a friend or counsellor, release the tension by taking physical exercise
Although separating is a painful process for both parents and children, remember, things change with time
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Taking care of yourself (2) Consider counselling if you feel “stuck” at one of
the loss stages, as it: Can help you untangle conflicting emotions
Can support you through a time of change
Allows you to express your feelings
Can help children to express their feelings and feel supported
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Family Mediation, an Alternative to Court
What is Family Mediation? Mediation helps parents to plan how they will bring up
their children
The focus is on helping you look at workable solutions for the future
It can help you to improve communication as parents
In mediation the needs of the whole family are considered
A mediator helps you come to an agreement without being on anyone’s side
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Kids in the Middle
Thank you for participating! What can you change?Listen – especially to your child
Start to work together as parents
Think about:Looking at the Parenting
Connection trainingLooking at a Parenting Agreement
Getting more helpNot going back to court
What can you do next to
make things better for your
child?
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