Www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Principles that work Andrew Boutros.

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www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill

Conflict Principles that work

Andrew Boutros

Conflict background• We all experience conflict and the

feelings that go with it: churn inside, lose sleep, high blood pressure, stress, uncomfortableness, anger etc.

• Conflict is normal eg. marriage – different ways of thinking, different values, priorities etc

Conflict background• Some conflict is malicious (pride, power..)

Some conflict is unintentional (miscommunication misunderstanding).

Some conflict is necessary Eph 4:26 Speak truthfully (in love)

• Anger is an emotion connected with conflict that is not wrong in itself - Must be managed and self controlled Eph 4:26 .. in your anger do not sin

Levels of Conflict

Every conflict is fought at one of these levels:

• We can move from one _____ to another.• We should aim for the _______ level acceptable.• Needs level means we can _____ with those who

have ___________views as us.

• Power• Principle

• Needslevel

lowestlive

differing

1. When did Jesus use power in a conflict?

2. When did Jesus use principle?

3. When did Jesus compromise on principle to meet a persons need?

Questions

4. Explain these stories in terms or Power Principle and Need:

a) Jesus eats grain and heals on the sabbath.

b) Jesus turns the tables in the temple.

c) Jesus has lunch with Zacheus and mixes with prostitutes and tax collectors.

d) Jesus encounter with the rich young ruler who goes away sad because Jesus tells him he has to give away all his wealth.

Questions

Neo Cortex

The brain

The Amygdala – is the

________ part.

The Neo Cortex the

__________ part.

Neo Cortex

feeling

thinking

The brain• _______________________

causes a response from both parts of the brain

• The path to the amygdala is _______ and ___________ (hard to reverse)

• This compromises the ability the Neo Cortex work without _____.

Neo Cortex Arousal/stimulation

faster

powerful

Minimising the influence of the Amygdala.

When addressing conflict consider

• ______ of the day• _____– older or younger

• _______________– child parent, boss (power)

• _________– unresolved conflict, preconceived ideas

Tim eAge

RelationshipHistory

Minimising the influence of the Amygdala.

When addressing conflict consider

• _______________type – • Sanguine - lies• Melancholic- critical • Choleric - Threats of anger• Phlegmatic - procrastination

• ___________– time of day, deliberate meeting, no text, emails etc

Personality

Setting

Conflict behaviour survey

Conflict Styles

ip • (1,9)

• (9,9)

• (5,5)

• (1,1) • (9,1)

CollaborationYour Way

No Way

Compromise

My Way

Conflict Styles

•The preferable order of styles is

• All styles are __________ at times.• We need to understand our ________ and ___________ at each style.

1. (9,9) Collaboration2. (5,5) Compromise3. (1,9) Your Way

5. (1,1) No way4. (9,1) My Way

relevantpreference

proficiency

Biblical principles

• Biblical process: Matthew 18• one on one, • witness, • church leadership.

(Advocates and mediation can escalate a conflict.)

• __________ and _____________• one without the other not complete. (Solve a problem as

well as minimise a conflct.)

• ________________• take responsibility even if no malice was intended• If malice – repay 4X? (Zacchaeus)

ResolveReconcile

Restitution

Biblical principles

• “Will you _______me” or “_____”.• One empowers the injured to give forgiveness.• The other does not acknowledge malice.

• _____ needs to be built over time.• Lack of trust does not equate to a lack of

forgiveness. • A lack of progress does equate to a lack of

forgiveness.

forgive sorry

Tips that work

• Know when to ________or __________• Paul and Barnabus kept on serving God

but separately. • Healthy boundaries • In marriage withdrawal must be supervised

• ___________with the right person • no second hand communication.

withdrawget out

Negotiate

Tips that work• Keep ____________.

• How big an issue is it? • Is it worth making a principle of it?• Is it worth using power on this? (Soap)

• __________is the greatest tool in reducing conflict. Laugh!

• Never use _____or _______except for information or facts.

• (remember the amygdala)

perspective

Humour

text email

Conflict behaviour survey

Conflict Styles

Conflict Style

Called Whose way

Collaboration

CompromiseYield

Win/loseAvoid No Way

My Way

Your WayOur Way

Third Way

Issues for Resolving(is more about the Goal)

Conflict Style

Requires Climate Desirables

Cooperation Good will

PragmatismDesire to resolve

PowerClear

Authority

A mandate No alternative

CreativityNegotiating

SkillsLeadership

Skills

Thick Skin

Issues for Reconciling(is more about the relationship)

Conflict Style

Requires Climate Desirables

Encouragement Enthusiasm

EmpathyCare /love

Humility Gratitude

Sacrifice Acceptance

Engagement

Reciprocation

Indebtedness

Resilience

Restitution issues

• Required to gain forgiveness

• Malice or accident

Restoration Issues

• Allow Time – process of building.

• Don’t have expectations – (may be better than before may be 80% - which is better than nothing!!)

Related Issues

• Anger tantrums – issue is self contol• Grace – does not mean walk over me.• Negative people – find each other… )

Depression• Meaning of tolerance – do I have to embrace it?• Virtues/Values – the difference• Venting.- does it help?• Mediation and Advocacy.

Case Studies

1. Principal – accused of an affair. What should happen?

2. Senior Staff member feels threatened by Principal – major public conflict arises.

3. Senior Pastor accused of manipulating a home loan for personal gain – problem escalates.

Case Studies (public)1. StKilda player charged with rape –

innocent until proven guilty and unfairly dismissed or had he broken his contract?

2. Fevola, Tiger – how did each party handle the conflict?

3. Peter Garret and the Insulation scheme. Should he resign?

Www.Seasons.org.au Seasons in Church Parkhill Conflict Principles that work Andrew Boutros.

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