Your complete guide to all the best satellite TV PUZZLE GAMES • PICTURES • MAPS • JOKES • TV GUIDE • TRUE STORIES hours to spare one afternoon fast, he could get in 9 holes Just as he was about to tee and asked if he could acco alone. Not being able to say no, he To his surprise the old man far, but plodded along cons Finally, they reached the himself with a tough shot. of his ball - and directly bet After several minutes of de finally said, "You know, whe that tree." With that challenge placed FREE EVERY THURSDAY Magazine Magazine YOUR VERY OWN FREE FUN AND INTERESTING WEEKLY MAGAZINE! EDITION 93 30 th - 6 th July 2011 Let The Magic In * N125 ALCANTARILHA 2 nd July SATURDAY
Transcript
Your complete guide to all the best satellite TV
PUZZLE GAMES • PICTURES • MAPS • JOKES • TV GUIDE • TRUE STORIESFast GolferA young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a fewhours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played veryfast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the teeand asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfingalone.Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ballfar, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man foundhimself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in frontof his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old manfinally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right overthat tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hitthe ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thuddedback on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was yourage that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
FREE EVERY THURSDAY
MagazineMagazine
YOUR VERY OWN FREE FUN ANDINTERESTING WEEKLY MAGAZINE!
EDITION 9330th - 6th July 2011
Let The Magic In*
N125 ALCANTARILHA
2nd July SATURDAY
DISCLAIMER: We try to ensure the validity of all advertisers and contributors to MyTVAlgarve but MyTVAlgarve, its representatives oremployees cannot accept any responsibility for claims made and cannot become involved in any dispute or litigation however it may arise.Any individual comments made or views expressed are those of the writer.
Additional MUNICIPAL Holidays (treated as BankHolidays in the area) fall on the following dates:Viana do Alentejo 13 JanuaryVila do Bispo 22 JanuaryFerreira do Alentejo 5 MarchVila Real 13 MayLoulé 13 MaySão Brás 1 JuneOlhão 16 JuneCastro Marim 24 JuneTavira 24 JuneAlbufeira 20 AugustSilves 3 SeptemberFaro 7 SeptemberLagoa 8 SeptemberLagos 27 OctoberPortimão 11 December
PORTUGUESEBANK HOLIDAYS 2011
April 22nd Good FridayApril 24th Easter SundayApril 25th Freedom DayMay 1st Labour DayJune 10th Portugal DayJune 23rd Corpus ChristiAugust 15th AssumptionOctober 5th Republic DayNovember 1st All Saints' DayDecember 1st Restoration of Independence DayDecember 8th Immaculate ConceptionDecember 25th Christmas Day
PICK UP YOUR OWN COPY OFMY TV ALGARVE every week at:
Baptista - Praia da Luz, LagosThe Owl Story - LagosAlgarve Book Cellar - CarvoeiroCarvoeiro Golf Shop - CarvoeiroAlgarve Quiroprática - PêraLet the Magic In - AlgozThe Laundrette - Vale ParraSimple Taste - AlbufeiraBookworms - AlbufeiraVillas do Campo - VilamouraSam Brazence - São Brás de AlportelPão e Pão - São Brás de AlportelQuick - São Brás de Alportel
CONTENTSIncluding:
� Suduko
� Code Breaker
�Mega Quiz
� Recipe
�Would you sleep here?
� Jokes
� Pictures - when it’s OK to swear!!
� The English Language and itsidiosyncrasies
�Need new furniture - special offerof FREE DELIVERY from FMCMóveis - see their ad
1688 The Immortal Seven issue the Invitation to William, beginning the struggle for Englishindependence from Rome which would culminate in the Glorious Revolution.
1834 Congress creates Indian Territory (now Oklahoma)
1859 French acrobat Charles Blondin crosses Niagara Falls on a tightrope.
1934 The Night of the Long Knives, Adolf Hitler's violent purge of his political rivals in Germany, takesplace.
2007 A car crashes into Glasgow International Airport in Scotland, believed to be a terrorist attack.
Puzzles 5-8Sudoku #5 - Challenging
3 7 6 11 9 6
8 4 15 8 79 6
3 4 23 2 9
9 7 48 9 2 3
Sudoku #6 - Challenging
71 3
9 3 4 16 9 2 7 5
5 43 1 6 2 89 4 8 5
2 67
Sudoku #7 - Tough
1 4 3 73 6 2
5 2 67 2 9
2 6 8 78 9 5
8 7 64 1 2
2 6 4 5
Sudoku #8 - Super Tough
47 8 4 9 5
8 1 68 9 1 7
5 72 5 1 8
5 4 66 3 8 4 2
4On this day….. 2nd July
1644 Battle of Marston Moor; Parliamentary forces defeat royalists
1777 Vermont becomes first American colony to abolish slavery
1900 Retired German general Ferdinand von Zeppelin, 62, launches the first rigid airship
1937 Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappear over the Pacific Ocean while attempting tomake the first equatorial round-the-world flight.
1969 Brian Jones founder of the Rolling Stones, drowns
Why is it that writers write, but fingersdon't fing, grocers don't groce andhammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can makeamends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and endsand get rid of all but one of them, whatdo you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacherspraught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, whatdoes a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grewup speaking English should becommitted to an asylum for the verballyinsane.
In what other language do people reciteat a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet thatsmell.
We park in a driveway and drive in aparkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fatchance be the same, while a wise manand a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacyof a language in which your house canburn up as it burns down, in which youfill in a form by filling it out, and in whichan alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing, if Father is Pop, howcome Mother's not Mop?
Someone said: the English languagewas born when a drunk fellow wastalking and the other (also drunk, ofcourse) wrote it down...
"When the first baby laughed for the first time, thelaugh broke into a thousand pieces and, they allwent skipping about, and that was the beginning offairies."
Sir James Barrie (Peter Pan)
It made me think about when we see our babiessmile for the first time - that is when they haven't gotwind!
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring,and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money calleda broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest trafficcalled rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethalinjections?
You know that indestructible black box that isused on airplanes? Why don't they make thewhole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are allstuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport theterminal?
On this day…..4th July
1776 American Independence Day . The United States Declaration of Independence by the SecondContinental Congress declaring itself free of British rule. Signed in Philadelphia.
1826 John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, the second and third presidents of the United States,respectively, died on this day, the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration ofIndependence.
1865 Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is published.
1969 Ann Jones defeats Billie Jean King for Wimbeldon Ladies championship
LETTER OF APOLOGY
Dear Marty,
I have been unable to sleep since I brokeoff your engagement to my daughter. Willyou forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about yourMohawk, Tattoo and Pierced Nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't reallydangerous, and I really should not havereacted that way to the fact that you havenever held a job.
I am also very sure that some other nicepeople live under the bridge in the park too.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants tomarry you instead of going to Harvard onfull scholarship. After all, you can't learneverything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be.I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now cometo me senses and you have my fullblessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.
PS. Congratulations on winning the lottery.
Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, really are the most sensitive. Did you knowthat those who spend all their time protecting and helping others, sometimes really need someoneto protect them. Did you know that three of the hardest things to say are I love you , I'm sorry, andhelp me!
THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILLSEE AND LIVE THIS EVENT
This year, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5Sundays.
This happens once every 823 years.
Kinda interesting - read on!!!
This year we're going to experience fourunusual dates.
1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 and that's notall...
NOW, THIS IS AMAZING….
Take the last two digits of the year in which youwere born - now add the age you will be thisyear,
The results will be 111 for everyone in wholeworld.
This is the year of the Money!!!
Always borrow money from a pessimist.He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you togo to hell in such a way that you will lookforward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel likethey're at home, even if you wish theywere.
Some cause happiness whereverthey go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling andholding someone down so they can't getaway.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sosure.
I always take life with a pinch of salt, plusa slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire,remember that the Fire Departmentusually uses water.
You're never too old to learn somethingstupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot firstand call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some seeinvisible people. Others have noimagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fastwhen you are after it as when you are init.
Change is inevitable, except from avending machine.
THIS WEEK’S GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUIZ
1. The name of which music style translated means 'new wave'?
2. Which New York City street is synonymous with the US advertising industry?
3. What is the only landlocked country in South East Asia?
4. Which famous film title is also the Mexican name for the river known in the USA as 'Rio Grande'?
5. In September 2010, former steelworker Philippe Croizon swam the English Channel, completingthe challenge in just less than 14 hours. The record at that time stood at 6 hours, 57 minutes and 50seconds, so why was Croizon's crossing so amazing?
6. What is the Greek root for 'soul'?
7. One can buy whole leaf grade tea labelled SFTGFOP. What do the letters stand for?
8. In which film did Sir Laurence Olivier play?a. A Nazi war criminal named Dr. Christian Szellb. An aging Jewish Nazi hunter named Ezra Liebermanc. Nazi war criminal Rudolf Hess
9. Blüthner, Erard, Chickering, Broadwood, Beckstein, Heintzman and Cristofori are all famousexamples of what?
10. Borrowed words used in the English language:a: German word meaning "spirit of the times" - nine lettersb: Scandinavian originating word meaning "a hard woven fibre formed into a rigid material" - six
lettersc: Swedish and Old Norse word for "commissary", "representative" and "steward" - nine letters,
second letter 'M'd: The German word for "health" - ten letterse: Swedish word meaning "a meal served buffet-style" - eleven letters, second letter 'M', last letter
'D'.f: Russian word meaning "way" or "journey" and literally translated is "travelling companion" -
seven lettersg: A meringue dessert named after a Russian ballet dancer -
11. The first official international cricket match was held in 1844 between two countries not knownfor their cricketing history or prowess. Can you name the two countries? One point for each correctanswer.
12. The following words are from songs with the word 'Day' in the song title. Can you name the song?One point for each correct answer.
a. The English army had just won the warb. You gave me all your loving and your turtle dovingc. The only time I feel alright is by your sided. She calls out to the man on the street "Sir can you help me?"e. Only you beneath the moon or under the sun whether near to me or farf. Feed the animals in the zoo, then later a movie too
Continued on next page/…..
THIS WEEK’S GENERAL KNOWLEDGE QUIZ Continued/….
13. Which modern scientific word is Latin for 'amount'? (7 letters)
14. In which animated Disney films would one find the following characters? One point for eachcorrect answer.
a. Pumbab. Si & Amc. Pongod. Edna E. Mode
15. The Russian Federation has land borders with fourteen countries, name them. Four points forall fourteen, two points for nine or more, one point for more than five.
16. The Australian Maria Ann Smith was responsible for which popular pomaceous product?
17. Which planet in our solar system is named after the Roman god of, amongst other things,commerce and thievery?
18. Who released the following No. 1 UK albums in 1975? One point for each correct answer.a. Physical Graffitib. Venus And Marsc. Atlantic Crossingd. Once Upon A Star
19. The name of which very large company is an acronym of the founders name, the farm wherehe grew up, and his home parish?
20. The three key combination Ctrl-Alt-Delete can be used to reboot your personal computer or tosummon its task manager. Computer geeks sometimes use which expression from the Star TrekTV series to descibe this?
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto .The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to putforward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show herthighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs..
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she cluckedlike a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understoodagain and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.. Unable to find a way to communicate this,she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking? Her husband speaks English! I worry about you sometimes…..
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife,who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthdaywas not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her anice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to AdventureWorld theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride inthe park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the ScreamingRoller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Herhead was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He thentook her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Mealwith extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and herfavourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsedinto bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,'Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenlychanged.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he isgonna get it wrong.
The Lonely Brain Cell
Once upon a time there was afemale brain cell which, by mistake,happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervouslybecause it was all empty and quiet.
'Hello?'
She cried, but no answer.
'Is there anyone here?'
She cried a little louder, but still noanswer.
Now the female brain cell started tofeel alone and scared. so she yelledat the top of her voice,
'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONEHERE?'
Then she heard a faint voice fromfar, far away....
'We're down here ....'
On this day….. 5th July
1687 Isaac Newton's PRINCIPIA published by Royal Society in England
1811 Venezuela declares independence from Spain.
1833 Admiral Charles Napier defeats the navy of the Portuguese usurper Dom Miguel at the third Battleof Cape St. Vincent.
1932 Oliveira Salazar becomes dictator of fascist Portugal
1937 Spam, the luncheon meat, was introduced into the market by the Hormel Foods Corporation.
QUIZ ANSWERS
1. Bossa Nova
2. Madison Avenue
3. Laos
4. Rio Bravo
5. He is a quadruple amputee
6. Psych
7. Special Finest Tippy GoldenFlowery Orange Pekoe
8. Three answersa. Marathon Manb. The Boys From Brazilc. Wild Geese II
9. Piano builders or pianos
10. Seven answersa: Zeitgeist (lit; the trend at that
time)b: Wicker (such as in basketry)c: Ombudsmand: Gesundheite: Smorgasbord f:Sputnikg: Pavlova (Anna Pavlova)
11. Canada and the USA
12. Six answersa. A Day In The Life (Beatles)b. That'll Be The Day (Buddy
Holly)c. All Day And All Of The Night
(Kinks)d. Another Day In Paradise
(Phil Collins)e. Night And Day (Cole Porter)f. Perfect Day (Lou Reed)
13. Quantum
14. Four answersa. The Lion Kingb. The Lady & the Trampc. 101 Dalmationsd. The Incredibles
15. Norway, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Poland(both via Kaliningrad Oblast), Belarus, Ukraine, Georgia,Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, the People's Republic of China,Mongolia, and North Korea.Not included are its maritime borders with Japan (Sea ofOkhotsk) and the USA (Bering Strait)
16. The 'Granny Smith' apple
17. Mercury
18. Four answersa. Led Zeppelinb. Wingsc. Rod Stewartd. Bay City Rollers
19. IKEA (Ingvar Kamprad, Elmtaryd, Agunnaryd)
20. Vulcan Nerve Pinch
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of NorthernMichigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challengewould be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods,find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discusstheir experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body andlimbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him fromthe Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quicklygrabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had anIV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! Iwent out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! Butthat bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestleddown one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him andBAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of theday praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both lookeddown at the Rabbi, who was lying in ahospital bed. He was in a body cast andtraction with IVs and monitors running inand out of him. He was in really badshape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: 'Lookingback on it, circumcision may not havebeen the best way to start.'
Mix all ingredients together and serve as a dressing or adip. Great with BBQ meat or as the dressing for prawns.
The quantities can easily be adjusted to how many peopleyou are catering for.
N125 ALCANTARILHA
2nd July SATURDAYFrom 10:00am to 3:00pm on the N125 inAlcantarilha towards Porches in Optimum, thebig garden furniture shop on your right just afterthe aquapark.
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