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Doomsday Planner
the Official Unauthorized Makeover
of the Mayan Calendarby L.K. Peterson and Martin KozlowskiIllustrated by Martin Kozlowski
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Copyright 2011 Now What Media, LLCAll rights reserved. No portion o this book may be reproduced without the express written permission o the publisher.
Special thanks to Paul Kozlowski or his guidance and encouragement, Jana Kozlowski or her Mothers Day artwork, and Deborah & Barbara or their patience and support.
For updates on the approaching doom visit 2012doomsdayplanner.com.
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The Long Count Goodbye
The Mayans dont say what happens on December 21, 2012, the date their 5,126-year-long
calendar abruptly ends, and this puzzling omission has kept scholars, prophets and doomsday
book publishers in business or decades.
The Mayan Long Count calendar measures time using interconnected and overlapping systems o
solar and lunar cycles, numerically defned periods o days, months and millennia, then synchronizes
them with the alignment o the stars and the harmonizing o spiritual, mythological, zodiacal orces
along with the occasional three-day weekend.
Got it? Neither do we. Thats why we went back through the Mayans calendar and reinterpreted and
revised it glyph by glyph, rom beginning to end.
The result is the Mayan Dozen
Count calendar, presented
here as the 2012 Doomsday
Planner. Compressed into
a user-riendly 12-month
ormat, it oers several
improvements on theoriginal, not the least
o which is that its
no longer a 12-oot
tall chunk o stone
weighing 25 tons. It
also oers a glimpse
into Mayan customs
and culture, a survey odoomsday predictions past,
and plenty o room to pencil in
fnal appointments, arewell parties
and serve your every countdown scheduling
need right up to December 21.
Ater that? You didnt really think wed give away the
ending, did you?
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the Four SeasonsT
he Mayans divided their year into our distinct seasons and used their prognosticating calendar
as an almanac by which to schedule the planting o crops, coordinate their hectic lineup o
estivals and place bets on sporting events. Many Mayans loved the Four Seasons, although some
preerred the Four Tops.
Winter
Theres no Mayan word or
snow and they didnt need one.
Yucatan winters are like Florida in
February, but with wa-a-a-y ewer
old people. The Mayans might
have heard about cold weather
rom Incas whod wandered up
rom the Andes, but they probably
didnt believe them.
Spring
Most o this brie shoulder season
between the dry period just endedand the rainy season about to
begin was devoted to patching
roos and making sacrifces to the
trickster water sprite Leek, god o
waterproofng.
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Glyph NotesT
he godhead in the calendars center is surrounded by our avatars o the seasons. These are
ringed by twelve zodiacal animals, a dozen monthly glyphs and, fnally, twenty-six ortnightly
glyphs. Explanations o the glyphs iconography are provided throughout the dayplanner. A quiz
on the nature o the totem animals ollows on the next page.
Summer
Daily weather orecasts or the
Yucatan May through mid-
September are predictable andconsistent: Rain, ollowed by
sweltering humidity, then by more
rain. This pattern repeated itsel
hourly until the hurricane season
started.
Autumn
Once hurricane season ended,
Mayans who hadnt been hurledto Oaxaca harvested crops and
prepared oerings to Dlan, spirit
god o the blowing wind. They
hoped to appease the enigmatic
deity into mumbling an answer to
the age-old question, Whats with
the hurricanes, already?
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Whats Your Mayan Totem Animal?1. Someone is between you and your goal; do you...
a) Pounce on them, rip their throat out and proceed.
b) Hump their leg until you get what you want.
c) Stare at them blankly while they run you over with their car.
2. In your spare time you like to...
a) Conquer neighboring tribes.
b) Scamper up and down ancient ruins.
c) Make eathered headdresses.
3. You enter a room where you dont know anyone; what do you do frst?
a) Find the weakest in the crowd and eat them.
b) Establish your dominance through a series o ailing motions and
shrieking cries.
c) Strut your plumage until someone notices, then, i nobody does, leave
in a hu.
4. I you could choose where to live, where would it be?
a) On high ground, with good sight lines.
b) Somewhere with lots o cover; tall grass, say.
c) Anyplace cozy, preerably pink.
5. Which description fts you best?
a) Cold-blooded.
b) Easygoing.
c) Warm n uzzy.
6. I this quiz shows youre not the Mayan totem animal you wanted to be,
you will:
a) Eat something huge, then spend the next week digesting it.
b) Sting somebody.Anybody.
c) Hug everyone and make new riends.
Scoring: Each a answer is worth 3 points; each b is worth 2 points; each c
is 1 point. If you answered yes or no to any of the questions, youre:
a) Taking the wrong quiz; b) Not paying attention; c) Really need new glasses.
Your Score: 18 Jaguar; 17 Scorpion; 16 Hawk; 15 Snake;
14 Monkey; 13 Bat; 12 Owl; 11 Dog; 10 Turtle;9 Lizard; 8 Rabbit; 7 Deer; 6 Peacock; 0-5 Hello Kitty
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And Your Mayan Totem Animal is18 The Jaguar You are quick, sleek and deadly, but
also ridiculously overpriced and expensive to repair.
17 The Scorpion The threat o your deadly sting
keeps your enemies away. And everyone else. You dontget invited out much.
16 The Hawk You are a soaring hunter with sharp
eyesight, then again, you hunt small rodents.
15 The Snake You are graceul in a slithery sort
o way; youd make a great matching belt, shoes and
handbag.
14 The Monkey You are curious, energetic andclever. You also throw your own eces when provoked
and sometimes or no reason at all.
13 The Bat Your radar is truly amazing, but it doesnt
begin to make up or the overall creepiness.
12 The Owl You are wise enough to come out only at
night; the right choice, given your looks.
11 The Dog Whos a good totem animal? Whos agood totem animal? You are! Yes, you are!
10 The Turtle When you do come out o your shell,
its rarely worth the wait. What, do you have premium
cable in there?
9 The Lizard Miraculous as it may be that it always
grows back, your party trick, Pull my tail o! is getting
a little tiresome.
8 The Rabbit You handily evade stuttering hunters
with your hilarious wisecracks, but the cross-dressing is
beginning to raise eyebrows.
7 The Deer While you look majestic and noble,
your repeated attempts to stare down approaching car
headlights indicates that youre a bit o a slow learner.
6 The Peacock Beautiul, yes, but nobody likes a
showo.
0-5 Hello Kitty You dont have a Mayan totem animal.
Check with the Aztecs, maybe theyve got something
or you.
Jaguar Scorpion
Hawk Snake
Monkey Bat
Owl Dog
Lizard Rabbit & Turtle
Deer Peacock
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2012: Last Year
January February March
S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 7 1 2 3 4 1 2 38 9 10 11 12 13 14 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 4 5 6 7 8 9 1015 16 17 18 19 20 21 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 11 12 13 14 15 16 1722 23 24 25 26 27 28 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 18 19 20 21 22 23 2429 30 31 26 27 28 29 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
April May June
S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 7 1 2 4 4 5 1 28 9 10 11 12 13 14 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 3 4 5 6 7 8 915 16 17 18 19 20 21 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 10 11 12 13 14 15 1622 23 24 25 26 27 28 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 17 18 19 20 21 22 2329 30 27 28 29 30 31 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
July August September
S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 7 1 2 3 4 18 9 10 11 12 13 14 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 2 3 4 5 6 7 815 16 17 18 19 20 21 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 9 10 11 12 13 14 1522 23 24 25 26 27 28 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 16 17 18 19 20 21 2229 30 31 26 27 28 29 30 31 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30
October November December
S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 1 2 3 1
7 8 9 10 11 12 13 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 2 3 4 5 6 7 814 15 16 17 18 19 20 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 9 10 11 12 13 14 1521 22 23 24 25 26 27 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 16 17 18 19 20 21 2228 29 30 31 25 26 27 28 29 30 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
30 31
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Doomsday Planner
Week by WeekDatebook
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January
Space Cases
T
he Mayan calendars prophetic credibility
comes largely rom its uncannily preciseastronomical orecasts. With pinpoint accuracy,
the calendar has predicted centuries in
advance every ull moon, solar eclipse and the
exact positions at any moment o Venus, Mars
and Uranus.* It also oretold not only each and
every reappearance o Halleys Comet, but the
1952 ormation o Bill Haley and the Comets.
So how did the Maya who had the wheel butdidnt know what to do with it come up with
such advanced celestial insights? New evidence
suggests that they may have had some otherworldly help with their astronomy homework.
Satellite imagery o the Observatorio at Xochicalco reveals what looks like the diagram or
an interstellar landing zone. Extraterrestrial visitation would go a long way in explaining the
Mayans detailed knowledge o outer space as well as why the observatory has arrival gates,
baggage claim and a VIP lounge. This theory is urther supported by adjacent archaeological
digs that have unearthed a cluster o pre-Columbian conerence centers, budget motels andduty-ree shops.
Mayan historical records document periodic stopovers made by those reerred to by a phrase
that translates as either sky visitors or those reeloading bastards who never pick up a check
and theres always a lot less tequila ater they leave were just saying.
*Scholarsnote that
all Mayanreferencesto thepositionof this lastplanet areinvariablyfollowedby thenotation,Its right
behind you!HA HA!Gotchaagain!
Pprazi, the original star-gazer
Proof of Alien Visitations?
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JanuaryS M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 78 9 10 11 12 13 1415 16 17 18 19 20 2122 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31
Doomsdates of Future Passed
Y2K; in the year 2000, many
people believed computers
worldwide would stop
unctioning because they
werent programmed todeal with years that didnt
start with 19. The act
that computers worldwide
routinely stop unctioning
several times every day and
can usually be coaxed back
into useulness by hitting
restart did little to calm
rayed Millennial nerves.
The Fortnightly Glyph
Koka
Symbol o the only demi-god morejittery than the caeinated Moka.
Boxing Day Canada
Memo: Put away the Christmas lights, eh?
360
monday
26362
361
tuesday
27361
362
wednesday
28360
363
thursday
29359
364
riday
30358
365
saturday
31357
Happy Last Year!
1
sunday
1356
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Sorry, Sorry NightBolo
Sandal
Cul-de-sac (size 6)
Crab(in season)
Map to My House
Bunny
Slingshot?Snake
Kite
FloppyGaryHatchet
Ack!!!Get Well Be Seeing a Lot
It Off More of TheseOf Me!!!
42
OrGami
Luxo
Weather Balloon
Even though theyd shared a good laugh with visiting extraterrestrials over what those stupid Greekscalled the constellations, the Mayans did their share o whimsical star naming.
In about 150 BCE, the renowned shaman/astronomer el Bondigas celebrated his ascension to high
priest with a three day weekend-long, tequila and hallucinogen-ueled spiritual journey. Thisevent resulted in a wicked hangover, some awesome tattoos, at least two children and a vision oQuetzalcoatl, during which the Mayan god revealed the hidden shapes and true names o certain (butsuspiciously not all) visible star systems. Despite some doubters, these designations were ofciallyadopted and routinely used or the remainder o Mayan history.
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For More Information on This Bookand to Purchase a Copy Please Visit:
www.2012doomsdayplanner.com
http://www.2012doomsdayplanner.com/http://www.2012doomsdayplanner.com/