ASSIGNMENTS - Amazon S3

©2018 Pullen Out the Stops • Isolation to Intimacy Video Course • HopeforSpouses.com

Isolation to

Intimacy Video Course

ASSIGNMENTS

This material is under copyright protection and

is for personal use only.


i2i Course Introductory Assignment

1. On the inside cover or first page of your journal, write down today’s date and

the following:

I, ________________, am choosing to come out of isolation and denial and pursue intimacy with God and a circle of safe others. Because I am important to myself and to God, and because I am the only one who can do this for me, I commit to spending ______ minutes/hours each day working on my recovery.

2. The course goal is to equip and empower you to move from fear and isolation to

security, peace, and intimacy with God, with yourself, and with a safe circle of

friends. In your journal, write your personal goal(s) for this course. You can even

set a time frame if you want, but expect your timetable and God’s to be different.

3. Accept our invitation to join the I2I Forum and get familiar with the app

(SLACK). You should have already received an email. If not, please shoot me an

email at [email protected].

**Don’t forget to read your bonus copy of The Intimacy Manifesto. It will prepare you for the journey ahead. A manifesto is simply a declaration to commit yourself to chosen path. You’ll have an opportunity to write your personal manifestos in Module 3.

mailto:[email protected]

http://intimacymanifesto.com/


Module 0: Pre-Course Evaluation Answer the following honestly. Often, even on a personal evaluation like this that no one will see but us, we aren’t honest. We respond the way we know we SHOULD be/think/do, rather than how we REALLY are/think/do. Remember, this is all about getting out of denial. 1. My intimacy with God is

Non-existent

Weak

Luke-warm

Pretty Good

Amazing 2. Pick which best describes your relationship with God:

What relationship with God? I don’t know him at all.

I feel guilty, like he’s punishing me.

I’m confused. I don’t understand what I did to deserve my life.

I’m furious. How could he let this happen to me?

I know he’s working through my pain, but I don’t like it.

It’s hard, but I trust him completely. 3. My intimacy with my spouse is

Non-existent

Weak

Luke-warm

Pretty Good

Amazing

4. Pick which best describes your relationship with your spouse:

Non-existent

We’re like roommates.

We communicate but we argue a lot.

One or both of us is verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive to the other.

Only one of us has admitted we have a problem and is seeking help.

We have been honest with our struggles, but we feel hopeless.

We are both in recovery, but it is taking longer than we expected.

We are supporting each other in our recovery and our intimacy is growing.

My spouse has ceased acting out, is still in denial, but is willing to stay married. 5. My goal for this course is _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________


Module 1A: Grieving Your Losses 1. Grieve your losses.

2. Read through the scriptures on grief below and let God comfort you. In your journal, write down the ones you connect with the most. Explain why.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Matthew 5:1-3 Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. John 14:1 Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.

Isaiah 53:4-6 Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.


Module 1B: Accepting Our Powerlessness 1. In your journal, list the “gods” in your life. They are usually associated with things we fear losing because they provide a sense of worth, significance, or security.

2. Go through the table below. In your journal, write which describes you best—passive co-dependence, active co-dependence, or God-dependence? 3. Describe how you feel about your possible co-dependence. Does it make you angry at me for exposing it, does it make you angry at yourself, at your spouse, your parents, or maybe at God?

Passive Co-Dependent Active Co-Dependent God-Dependent

Stereotypes Weak, wimpy, doormat, old-fashioned, cowardly

Powerful, assertive, independent, modern, multi-tasker

Religious, Jesus-freak, unrealistic, naïve.

General Attitude with Spouse

Compliant Self-Reliant As individuals, we are responsible for our own choices.

Focus Relationships Goals Honoring God

Fears Conflict, rejection, abandonment

Being disrespected, feeling inadequate or incompetent

God is love and His perfect love drives out fear. 1 John 4

Positive Qualities

Sacrificial, compassionate, generous

Confident, motivated, committed to excellence

Healthy balance of independence and interdependence with spouse and others.

Negative qualities

Have hard time saying “no”, harbor secret resentment, base their self-worth on other’s acceptance

Perfectionists, easily angered, can use aggressive or manipulative tactics to control others.

Object of “worship” or

idolatry

Others, especially spouse or children or someone in authority

Self God alone

Misplaced Needs from Spouse

Self-worth, love, acceptance

Significance, value or worth

Possible childhood issues

Abandonment, addiction, abuse, shaming, neglect, chaotic or unsafe home life

Abandonment, addiction, abuse, unrealistic expectations, unsupportive parents.

Motto (subconsciously

directed at spouse and/or others)

“I will do anything for your love.”

“I’ll prove I am worthy of your love.”

I am loved by God; my worth comes from Him alone


Module 1C: Surrendering Control 1. Complete the table by finishing the statements started in the far left column. For example, “I feel powerful in my relationship with my spouse when…” complete the sentence in the first column. Do the same thing in the second column, but reply with the response to “I feel powerful in my relationship with God when…”

Question Your Spouse God

I feel powerFUL in my

relationship with [my

spouse/God] when…

I feel powerLESS in my

relationship with [my

spouse/God] when…

I struggle for power or

control in my relationship

with [my spouse/God]

because…

My need for control

negatively affects intimacy

with [my spouse/God] in the

following ways:

2. Pick one of these two quotes. In your journal, explain how it applies to your life.

Power is not grabbed, it s given.

Intimacy can only exist in a relationship where trust and surrender reign,

where there is no struggle for power or control.

3. How do you plan to become more God-dependent? How will this impact your intimacy with Him? Supplementary resource: Eve’s Song by Robin Weidner

http://amzn.to/2tQwa7S


Module 1D: Relinquishing Responsibility for Others 1. In the left-hand column, check where your spouse has not been responsible for carrying his/her load. In the center, check the corresponding load where you have stepped up to fill the gap. 2. After you finish the chart, I want to encourage you to journal about the areas where you checked. How do you feel about those things? How have your actions affected your intimacy with your spouse? How have your actions affected your health, your finances, your relationship with God, and your relationships with others?

My spouse

Daily Loads (we should all carry)

Me

If Spouse Doesn’t Carry Their Load, I tend to…

Grow spiritually through daily Bible reading, praying, repenting and changing in our character

Neglect my time with God because of how

I feel or because I’m exhausted from carrying more than my fair share

Fulfill godly role in the family (husband leads/wife is a supportive, valued partner)

Switch between roles depending on the circumstances

Responsibly fulfill commitments

Make excuses for my spouse and/or don’t let them suffer the consequences for their irresponsibility

Practice punctuality

Speak/act in an honest and trustworthy manner

Makes excuses for my spouse

Pay bills on time Pay bills myself

Work a job or provide for financial needs of immediate family (2 Thessalonians 3:10)

Work overtime or work two jobs to make up for my spouse’s lack of responsibility

Share chores equally at home Do all the chores myself as my spouse

refuses to or neglects their part

Cook meals (both spouses should both be able to do this to some extent)

Do all the cooking because my spouse doesn’t think it is their job/role

Be considerate and respectful Make excuses for why my spouse isn’t

considerate and respectful

Demonstrate self-control with emotions, food, spending, alcohol, Internet use

Make excuses for them

Equally share parenting responsibilities Do all or most of the parenting myself

Stay physically fit and healthy Make excuses for them

Serve the less fortunate and meet the needs of others

Make excuses for them

Meet sexual needs of spouse Meet this need myself through

masturbation or convince myself I don’t need it


Module 2A: Meeting Our Pain

Answer these questions in your journal. 1. What do you use to medicate YOUR pain? 2. How has medicating impacted your relationship with your:

Spouse

Friends

Children

God

Supporting Resources Article: What Is Pain and What Is Happening When We Feel It? http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/what-pain-and-what-happening-when-we-feel-it/

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/what-pain-and-what-happening-when-we-feel-it/

http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/what-pain-and-what-happening-when-we-feel-it/


Module 2B: Renewing Your Mind and POWords

1. Create your own personal POWords for your bathroom mirror, bedroom, office, foyer, closet, frig, cabinets, laundry room, car, phone, wherever you need them. 2. Inspire your fellow travelers by taking a picture of your posted POWords and sharing them on the I2I Forum. Supporting Resources Book: “Soft-Wired: How the New Science of Brain Plasticity Can Change Your Life” http://amzn.to/2kKrk4I Articles: Neuroplasticity: The 10 Fundaments of Rewiring Your Brain http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/ Article: Masterpiece or Mess http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/masterpiece-or-mess/

http://amzn.to/2kKrk4I

http://reset.me/story/neuroplasticity-the-10-fundamentals-of-rewiring-your-brain/

http://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/masterpiece-or-mess/


Module 2C: Musicate Your Mind

1. Create your own soundtrack. Download at least 60 minutes of music or as much time as you take to get ready each morning. 2. If you have a smartphone, iPod, or mp3 player, download the music directly to your device or install an app. Most audio apps have an alarm to wake you to music each morning. 3. If you don’t have a device to listen to music, find a local Christian radio station on your radio, or listen on a computer at Zradio.org.

Supporting Resources PDF: Positive Music Cheatsheet LINK: Listen online to Zradio.com http://zradio.org/listen/ LINK: Bible Gateway (Audio) https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/audio/ RECORDING: The Power of Music to Affect the Brain (NPR Recording) http://www.npr.org/2011/06/01/136859090/the-power-of-music-to-affect-the-brain ARTICLE: 4 Ways Music Can Rewire Your Brain https://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/rewire-brain-music/ ARTICLE: How Listening to Music Benefits Your Brain https://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/how-listening-to-music-benefits-your-brain/ ARTICLE: The Power of Music (On the Brain) https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/129/10/2528/292982/The-power-of-music

http://zradio.org/listen/

https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/audio/

http://www.npr.org/2011/06/01/136859090/the-power-of-music-to-affect-the-brain

https://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/rewire-brain-music/

https://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/how-listening-to-music-benefits-your-brain/

https://academic.oup.com/brain/article/129/10/2528/292982/The-power-of-music


SELF-CARE: Lesson 2

Sleeping After Disclosure

1. Create your own new bedtime routine. Explain your new routine to your spouse and children. You may have to get your children into a new routine while you work on yours. You can even explain to your children how going to bed when they do will help you to be a better parent. Remember, this your new routine, not your spouses. Depending on where they are in their journey, you may or may not be able to come together on this as a couple yet. 2. Implement your routine tonight, asking God to guide you. It may take a few weeks before you start sleeping through the night without thoughts of your spouse or their sin, but with practice, you’ll start finding yourself waking up refreshed each morning. Supplemental Resources ARTICLE: 9 Reasons to Sleep More http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/9-reasons-to-sleep-more

ARTICLE: 11 Surprising Health Benefits of Sleep http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20459221,00.html

ARTICLE: Myths & Facts About Sleep https://sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/myths-and-facts-about-sleep ARTICLE: 33 Sleep Myths Debunked Once and for All https://sleepjunkies.com/features/the-33-biggest-myths-about-sleep-and-insomnia-de-bunked/

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/9-reasons-to-sleep-more

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20459221,00.html

https://sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/myths-and-facts-about-sleep

https://sleepjunkies.com/features/the-33-biggest-myths-about-sleep-and-insomnia-de-bunked/

https://sleepjunkies.com/features/the-33-biggest-myths-about-sleep-and-insomnia-de-bunked/


Module 3A: God at the Center

It’s time to honestly evaluate your relationship with God. 1. Read Psalm 62:5-8. Meditate on what you can do to have this type of relationship with God. 2. In your journal, create a daily, weekly, and monthly plan how you will move toward intimacy with God. I’ve included a POWords sign in this section of the module for you to print and post. 3. Based on what you read in The Intimacy Manifesto, create your own personal manifesto to God (see sample in the back of the book).


Module 3B: Choosing a Support Group

1. Do your research and locate the 2-3 support groups nearest your location. Read about each group’s philosophy and purpose on their websites.

2. Call the contact person and find out more information about the group. Ask about the materials they use in the group.

3. Research the material. Purchase the books if you can and read to figure out which philosophy you seem to connect with best.

4. Go to a meeting. Or, at the very least, call in.

If you live in a rural area Research online groups - How do you get access? What kind of privacy do they offer? Can you just listen in to start? What are the group guidelines? Consider starting your own group and acting as a facilitator. You don’t have to be a Bible scholar or further down the road in your recovery. You aren’t leading; you are walking alongside others. You can use this course as a guide. Supplementary Resources Attached are guides to help you choose which form of support group best meets your needs as well as a list of groups and links to their homepages. This is not an exhaustive list.


Module 3C: Choosing a Counselor 1. Research counselors online (there are A LOT). If you have already attending a support group, ask the group to recommend a counselor. Request to speak with them before you go in for your first visit (a list of sample questions is below). If you can’t speak with the counselor on the phone before your appointment, find someone else. If they are too busy to speak to you beforehand, they might be too busy to speak to you as a client. If they seem warm and safe on the phone, they will probably be more so in person. If you are not ready to tackle this assignment yet, that’s okay. Revisit this in a few months.

Guide to Choosing the Best Counselor for your Needs

GOOD BETTER BEST Secular Counselor Christian marriage and family

counselor Christian counselor specializing

in sexual addiction and co-dependency

Best for… Best for… Best for…

Those who live in remote or rural areas and have a limited

choice in local therapists.

Those whose spouse had a single affair and are not

addicted to pornography.

Those whose spouse had multiple affairs and/or are addicted to pornography.

PROS PROS PROS

Educated and trained to deal with a variety of psychological issues

Usually neutral where spiritual issues are concerned.

Educated and trained to integrate Christian theology and psychology into counseling setting.

Specializes in dealing with marital issues including infidelity, separation, and divorce.

Educated and trained to integrate Christian theology and psychology into counseling setting.

Specialized in addressing sexual addiction and co-dependency issue in marital relationships.

CONS CONS CONS

May not be able to address deeper spiritual issues and/or the impact of core wounds on a relationship with God

Will probably offer humanistic-based solutions.

May not be able to address deeper issues and their relationship with core wounds, pornography use, and motivation for adulterous actions.

N/A


Module 3D: Identifying Safe Friends & Family

1. In your journal, write the names of 3-5 people you think you could talk to.

2. Use the table below, honestly evaluate each of them, checking off their Safe/Unsafe traits.

3. Choose one or two that qualify as safe and schedule when you will talk with them. Rehearse your conversation scenarios depending on their responses. Remember, you don’t have to dump all your dirty laundry at once. Share a little to see how they respond. If they respond well, ask to get with them again to talk some more. Reveal as little or as much as you feel safe to talk about.

4. If/when you feel like the person is trustworthy, write your own Intimacy Manifesto to your safe friend and present it to them. Intimacy has to be reciprocal, so ask if they are willing to commit to the relationship.

Safe People Unsafe People Admit they have weaknesses (2

Corinthians 12:9-10) Pretend they don’t have any faults

Are humble and spiritual (Philippians 2:3-4)

Are self-righteous (religious) or worldly (irreligious)

Invite feedback and are eager to change (Psalm 139:23-24)

Are defensive and make excuses

Create trust by being vulnerable and welcomes intimacy (2 Corinthians 6:11)

Avoid intimacy and demand trust without earning it

Guard your trust like a treasure (Proverbs 11:13)

Gossip and betray a trust

Forgive easily and seek reconciliation (Colossians 3:13)

Hold onto hurt and bitterness

Speak the truth even when it hurts (Ephesians 4:15)

Lie to protect themselves and avoid responsibility

Empathetic and others-centered (Philippians 2:3-4)

Self-centered

Encourage freedom and individuality (Galatians 5:1, 13)

Restrict others freedoms and force enmeshment

Are a good influence on us

Are a bad influence on us (1 Corinthians 15:33)

Treat others as adults (1 Peter 5:3)

Treat others like children or parents (Ephesians 4:14-15)

Supports your choice and path to emotional health (Proverbs 17:17)

Blames you for your spouse’s sinful choices or tries to fix you (Proverbs 18:2)


SELF-CARE: Lesson 3

Time with Safe Friends

1. Jot down 2-3 of the ideas on this list and write down how you plan to implement them with the safe friends you chose in the last section.

2. Brainstorm with your safe friend(s). Set dates, times, and places when you will participate in activities that will strengthen your intimacy.


Module 4A: Core Wounds & Life Traps 1. Using the chart below, identify your OWN life traps. Don’t focus on your spouse. You and your own past are more than enough for you to work on.

2. After you identify your own life traps, share your thoughts with one of your safe friends. Ask them if they see you like you see yourself. Remember, safe friends celebrate you embracing the truth about yourself and will encourage your exploration without judgment OR trying to fix you.

3. Spend time journaling what happened in your childhood that led to your core wounds. This is where a licensed, professional counselor (more than a safe friend) can really help you to process trauma from your childhood so you can move through the pain and find healing.

Five Domains of Core Emotional Needs

Domain Neglected Balanced Abusive

Connection and Acceptance

Lack of empathy, difficult time engaging emotionally, isolates, resists receiving guidance.

Trusting of self and others, can build strong intimate relationships, emotionally healthy and expressive.

Feels defective, distrusts self and others, oversensitive to weakness, insecure, emotionally inhibited.

Healthy Autonomy & Performance

Subject to harm or unhealthy lifestyle, fears rejection or abandonment, pessimistic, easily isolates.

Confident about safety and self-expression, differentiate self from parent, positive outlook on the world.

Enmeshed with parents, powerlessness, poor self-esteem, fearful.

Reasonable Limits

Entitled attitude, lack of self-control, self-centeredness, victim-mentality.

Demonstrates self-control, fairness, respects mutual needs in relationships.

Approval-seeking and people-pleasing, suppress preferences, sacrifice self for acceptance.

Realistic Expectations

Feel responsible for others happiness, may allow self to be exploited, prone to depression.

A balanced life (between work and play), forgiving of self and others, willing to serve/sacrifice in a healthy manner.

Harsh, feels defective, discontented, never feels “good enough”, tends to hold grudges even toward self.

Spiritual Values & Community

God is absent or uncaring, morality is self-directed or nebulous, self needs are pre-eminent, isolation, racism.

View of God as loving but deserving reverence, respect for the Word, parents as role models, service to others, multi-generational/cultural family relationships.

God is judgmental and unmerciful, fear is dominant motivation, hypocrisy, inability to tolerate criticism or dissension, cliquish.

*Based on John and Karen Louis books Good Enough Parenting and I Choose Us.


Module 4B: The Brain & Addiction

Video Links: Your Brain on Porn and Untangling Addiction

After completing the last section (Core Wounds & Life Traps) and watching both videos, answer the following questions in your journal:

1. Though your new understanding of addiction doesn’t exempt your spouse from responsibly and appropriately addressing their sinful behavior, how does it affect your view of them and their sexual sin?

2. How does this knowledge affect how you feel about your own co-dependency?

https://vimeo.com/183544823

https://vimeo.com/220027960


Module 4C: Extending Grace to Your Spouse

1. In your journal and using the following scriptures as a reference, write a list of your own sins against God.

Galatians 5:19-21: The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

2 Timothy 3:1-5: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Mark 7:20-23: Jesus went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.”

2. Write a second list of the sins your spouse has committed against you.

3. Watch the video account of The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector as found in Luke 18:9-14 (https://youtu.be/39fHwaR2P40).

4. Journal your response and share it with safe friends.

Supplementary Resource For further study, I highly recommend Paul E. Miller’s, A Loving Life.

https://youtu.be/39fHwaR2P40

http://amzn.to/2uNQk2k


SELF-CARE: Lesson 4

The Balm of Exercise

In your journal, identify 3-5 different types of exercises you’d like to try. Whether the exercise is offered in a class format or not, schedule to go with a safe friend if you don’t feel uncomfortable going alone. Put exercise into your calendar and schedule it at least 3-4 times per week. Considering yoga? Please check out the supplementary reading on the Benefits of Yoga and Yoga and Taking Back What is Ours by Faith.


Module 5: Boundaries Introduction

1. Take the Boundaries Quiz offered by the authors of the Boundaries books series, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. If your spouse has started working on their recovery, ask them to take the quiz separately. 2. Discuss your findings with your spouse, your safe friend(s) and/or the counselor you chose in Module 3.

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-quiz/


Module 5A: Boundaries & Our Best Intentions

Review the Best Intention Roles. Which one (or combination) are you? Answer the questions in your journal and share them with a safe friend. 1. The Fixer

a. Is it your default to try to “fix” or “mother” others? b. Has it been effective? c. After studying this lesson, what consequences do you see from trying to make others into the image you think they should be?

2. The Savior

a. Is it your default to protect others from the consequences of their actions? b. Do you try to keep others from feeling pain when they suffer the consequences of sin or “save” them from God’s discipline? c. After studying this lesson, what consequences do you see from trying to play God in others’ lives?

3. The Completer

a. Did you come into your marriage with the expectations that your spouse would “fix” or “complete” you, or that you would fix or complete them? b. What areas of your life did you expect them to fill? c. After studying this lesson, what consequences do you see from expecting others to fill the role that God should have filled in you? Or that you thought you should be able to fill in your spouse?

Supplementary Resources Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Good Enough Parenting by John and Karen Louis The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax

http://amzn.to/2sVYfao

http://amzn.to/2t8QwtG

http://amzn.to/2ufaR0j


Module 5B: Violating Others’ Boundaries 1. Review the Passive Aggressive Tactics below and answer the question in your journal.

Which way do you usually communicate with your family?

Passive-Aggressive Truthful “I sure wish someone would take out the trash.”

“Would you please take out the trash, honey?”

“I’m always picking up after everyone in this house.”

“Everyone needs to be responsible for picking up their own belongings. If I find your items on the floor again, I will assume you don’t want them and will throw them away.”

“Nobody appreciates all that I do for this family.”

“I need some affirmation from you; I feel taken for granted.”

“If I ignore her long enough, maybe she’ll finally stop nagging me.”

“I’m sorry. How can I share the load of responsibility?”

“If I keep nagging him, maybe he’ll finally hear me.”

“I feel ignored and that what you are doing is of more importance than us connecting.”

“I didn’t know you meant now.” “I’m sorry. Let me stop what I’m doing and give you my full attention.”

2. Print the Passive-Aggressive Tactics Card (PDF) located at the bottom of the Mod 5B page and carry it with you throughout the week. Check off each time you recognize when you or someone else uses passive-aggressive tactics. Be aware of how you respond to these and refrain from “dancing”. 3. At the end of the week, journal about what you learned from this exercise. Share it with your spouse, safe friend, counselor, or support group.


Module 5C: Setting Personal Boundaries

1. Understand God’s attitude about boundaries Read through these scriptures on your own so you can develop your own convictions about God’s attitude toward boundaries: Galatians 5:1-5, Psalm 16:5-6, Romans 1:18-32, and Luke 15:11-24. Based on these scriptures, write in your journal how you think God feels about boundaries. 2. Ask your spouse (or someone who knows you well). **If your spouse is safe (see Safety First video) and available, ask them what you do that bothers them. Listen ONLY (don’t react by talking), take notes on what they say, say “thank you” and leave the room. If your spouse is not safe for your physically, or is not available, ask someone safe who knows you well. 3. Pray for wisdom, insight, and love. Pray (and fast) for God to make it clear where you must set your boundaries with your spouse. Remember, your purpose to setting a boundary is to build love and intimacy. 4. Write Your Own Boundaries Using the My Boundaries Worksheet below and your spouse’s response from Step #2, write 2-3 boundaries in each category. Keep the following questions in mind:

● What am I responsible for in my relationship with my spouse? ● What am I not responsible for in my relationship with my spouse? ● Are these responsibilities we have discussed or are the responsibilities we have simply

assumed (in other words, did we just start dancing)? 5. Practice sharing your boundaries aloud. Choose no more than 3-5 boundaries you will focus on for the time being. Practice stating these in front of a mirror, record yourself, then rehearse sharing them aloud with a safe friend to get input how you can make your presentation more confident, loving, and respectful. Practice what you will do if your spouse tries to engage you prematurely. 6. Share Boundaries with your Spouse During a low-stress time, ask your spouse if you can share something with them. Request that they listen without responding, that you want them to talk time to consider what you are sharing before they respond. Read your boundaries in a loving, respectful manner, then give your spouse their copy. Walk away. Do not engage with them at this time.


Module 5C: My Boundaries Worksheet

Name: ___________________________

Accountability Partner(s): __________________________

#1 Draft Completed (date): _________________

Shared with Spouse (date): ___________________

Purity Boundary Consequence

Communication Boundary Consequence

Respect Boundary Consequence

Household Chores Boundary Consequence

Other: _____________________ Boundary Consequence


Module 5D: Holding Your Boundaries

1. Go back to the safe friend(s) you identified and talked to in module 5B assignment. Ask them if they can help mentor you until you have demonstrated an ability to maintain your own boundaries.

2. Schedule to get with your safe friend(s) next week to discuss how you did with the boundaries you established and how you can improve or your need to adjust.

3. Before you leave that time, schedule the next one. Realize your boundaries will need tweaking for 6-8 weeks until they become a habit. It will probably take even longer—several months—before they begin to feel like your new normal.


SELF-CARE: Lesson 5

Nutrition 101

1. Using the Healthy Food Prep Guide, fill in the info below.

Proteins you will prepare for the week

Other proteins you intend to use this week

Carbs you will prepare for the week

Grains Veggies Salads

2. Create your grocery list. Check your pantry and frig for items you already have. If you don’t have 12-15 small meal-sized plastic containers, pick some of those up too (Dollar Store has them cheap!). 3. WHERE will you do your shopping? _____________________________ 4. WHEN will you do your shopping? ______________________________ 5. WHEN will you do your food prep (you need 3-4 hours)? ____________________________ 6. Take some photos of you doing your prep and post them on the I2I Forum to inspire the rest of us!


Module 6 Introduction: There’s Glory in Your Story

1. Read Jesus’ encounter with Satan in the desert (Matthew 4:1-11). How did Jesus combat Satan’s lies? 2. Which of Satan’s lies have you listened to? On an index card, write down one or two scriptures that expose and contradict Satan’s lies or post them on your phone or computer screen. Carry the card with you and memorize the scripture(s) so whenever you hear Satan whispering his lies in your ear, you can combat it with the scripture like Jesus did. 3. Go onto the I2I Forum and post the biggest lie Satan tells you. Share which scripture you are using to combat the lies.


Module 6A: The Process of Recovery

1. Review the Stages of Recovery Roadmap. In your journal, answer the following questions.

2. After studying this typical roadmap to recovery, how do you feel? Does it make you angry? Sad? Impatient? Afraid? Be authentic and gut-level honest with God how you feel about it.

3. Share your what you wrote with your safe other(s).


Module 6B: Counting the Cost of Your Journey

1. Using the guide below, fill in the blank Counting the Cost of Staying in Your Marriage table.

2. Study out the scriptures on marriage, divorce, and forgiveness.

3. Get advice from your safe other(s), especially those in your support group and your counselor.

4. Set aside a couple hours to spend time with God and ask him to give you wisdom to determine which path he wants you to take. (Read Jesus’ attitude in the Garden in Matthew 26:39.) There is no right or wrong. Don’t compare yourself to anyone. Unless your safety is at risk, there is also no deadline when you need to make this decision. Time is your friend.

Counting the Cost for Your Marriage (Sample)

STAYING IN MARRIAGE DIVORCING SPOUSE

Pro Con Pro Con

It’s God’s first choice Long healing process Safer if abuse present It’s God’s last option

Give others hope Lots of mistakes “Clean” break Longer to heal deeply

Deep heart-healing Abuse from disagreeing

family/friends Not deal with spouse’s

addiction Shared custody

Build faith/trust in God Learn to work through

triggers God permits divorce

for adultery New partner has new

baggage.

Overcome fear Learn to forgive spouse New start Long-term legalities

Opportunity for a miracle

Learn to trust spouse again

Minimize negative (sexual) impact on

children $$ (before and after)

Count the Cost for YOUR Marriage

STAYING IN MARRIAGE DIVORCING SPOUSE

Pro Con Pro Con

http://biblehub.com/topical/m/marriage.htm

http://biblehub.com/topical/d/divorce.htm

http://www.biblestudytools.com/concordances/naves-topical-bible/forgiveness.html


Module 6C: Recognizing Repentance 1. Evaluate both yourself and your spouse for the signs of repentance.

Quality Definition Self Spouse

Earnestness sobriety or seriousness

Eagerness impatience to make things right

Indignation righteous anger over personal sin

Alarm apprehension or distress

Longing a craving for change

Concern selfless focus on others

Readiness to see justice done

willingness to “pay the consequences”

2. In your journal, answer the following questions:

a. How have you lied to your spouse or manipulated them? How have they lied or manipulated you?

b. Now that you know why you both did/do these things (your co-dependency, their sexual sin), how will you recognize it next time? How will your responses be different than before?

3. Often we keep a mental “Record of Wrongs” done against us. It’s time to keep a “Record of Repentance”. Along with the date, log each time you recognize repentance in yourself or your spouse.


Module 6C: Record of Repentance

Quality Date(s) Self Spouse

Earnestness sobriety or seriousness

Eagerness impatience to make things right

Indignation righteous anger over personal sin

Alarm apprehension or distress

Longing a craving for change

Concern selfless focus on others

Readiness to see justice done willingness to “pay the consequences”


Module 6D: Forgiveness - A Choice and a Process

1. Review the Process of Forgiveness Roadmap below. Where are you on the forgiveness journey?

2. Write down your own sins in your journal using these scriptures as guide: Galatians 5:19-21, Mark 7:20-21, 2 Timothy 3:1-5.

3. Next, read Romans 3:22-25. Visualize you, your spouse, and Jesus standing before God. Jesus offers to bear your sins and your spouse’s sins. Ask yourself, does your spouse still owe you anything?

4. Once you finish your assignment, would you help out your fellow travelers on the I2I forum and share where you see yourself on your forgiveness journey? It’s only in community that we realize we aren’t alone.

Supplementary Resource For further study, I highly recommend the short eBook by Gary Inrig entitled, The Risk of Forgiveness. It is available for free at Amazon. I have also included a link below to a PDF version of the book.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:19-21

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:19-21

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+7%3A20-21&version=NIV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Timothy+3%3A1-5&version=NIV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+3%3A22-25&version=NIV

http://amzn.to/2vhmO2h




Internal Journey External Journey

SELF-CARE: Lesson 6

Balancing Your Internal and External Journeys 1. If we have suffered the trauma of betrayal, we can sometimes become imbalanced, letting our internal journey overwhelm and all but extinguish our external journey. In your journal, create a T-graph like the one below. Jot down the evidence of each of your journeys. Are they balanced (do they have equal weight, emphasis, or focus in your life? How can you bring balance?

2. Read over the Jeff Goins’ Your Calling Graphic. Have you found your calling yet? Write down some ideas of what your calling could be. It doesn’t have to be ultra-spiritual or “loud”. We can serve our calling quietly by leading our family with integrity, by being an exemplary model of Christ to co-workers and neighbors, or by anonymously serving the poor. We can also do it on a mission field, at our child’s school, or in an urban neighborhood. A great supplementary resource is Jeff Goins book, The Art of Work.

3. Go to the I2I Forum and share with your fellow travelers what you have discovered about your dual journeys.

http://amzn.to/2uvAklK


Module 7A: Moving Toward Intimacy

1. In your journal, write down what intimacy does or would look like in your relationship with God? with safe others? with your spouse?

2. Intimacy with God - create a plan for how you will continually move toward intimacy with God. Keep in mind that God probably has a completely different plan than yours—a better one—but he’s thrilled that you have chosen to engage him in your quest of intimacy.

3. Intimacy with Safe Others - Using the Moving Toward Intimacy Map (on next page), pick one of your relationships and create an intimacy pathway you envision yourself taking with that person. It will probably not work the way you plan, but you are setting goals and God can redirect a moving object much better than a static one.

4. Intimacy with Spouse - determine where your spouse is in their recovery process. Write down what level of intimacy you can expect from them (if any) based on where they are. Pray for God to help you be content with that level of intimacy, but also pray for your spouse to strengthen their intimacy muscles.


Module 7B: Recycling Your Pain

1. Pray and ask God to bring someone into your life with whom you can tell your story and recycle your pain.

2. Spend the next few days really listening to the conversation of others around you.

Remember to hold your boundaries in place. Your job is only to share your life, not to fix anyone. That’s God’s job.

3. Another way we can recycle our pain is on our I2I forum. Spend a few minutes each day

this week, encouraging someone a few steps behind you on their journey. It will make a world of difference to them to know someone cares and can relate.


Module 7C: Growth, Gratitude, and Guarantees

1. Review our “guarantees” in our recovery. In your journal, tell God how you feel about them.

What is NOT guaranteed? What IS guaranteed?

Your spouse will repent, turn away from their sin, and seek God

Your recovery will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life

You and your spouse will be reconciled

Your recovery won’t be fun most of the time

Your story with your spouse will have a “happy ending”

If you fight for your relationship with God, He will be there and He

will be enough 2. Write a journal entry to the woman you were when you started this journey. Comfort her and tell her it is going to be okay. Remind her about God’s faithfulness and share with her how much God has done for you. 3. If you want to study how to embrace loving others the way God loves us, I highly recommend A Loving Life by Paul E. Miller. In it, he recounts the story of Ruth and the powerful hesed love she had for her others because of her love and faith in God.

http://amzn.to/2uvWdkL


SELF-CARE: Lesson 7

Setting & Achieving Personal Goals & Dreams

1. Using the Goals Quick Reference Guide, write down your personal goals in time periods of 6 weeks, 6 months, 3 years and 6 years.

2. If you’ve never really worked on your goals before, just pick one or two and write down

three steps you will take in order to achieve that goal. Set dates for each step (you might have to modify those, but that’s okay. You are moving forward. If you have done goal setting before, pick 3-5 goals, write down the steps you will take in order to achieve them and set dates for each step.

3. Last, I want to encourage you to print and post your Goals sheet somewhere you see it

every day.

Goals Quick Reference Guide

6 Weeks 6 Months 3 Years 6 Years


Goal #1: ____________________________________________________________________________

STEP ACTION Completion Date

1 2 3

Goal #2: ____________________________________________________________________________


1 2 3

Goal #3: ____________________________________________________________________________


1 2 3

Goal #4: ____________________________________________________________________________


1 2 3

Goal #5: ____________________________________________________________________________


1 2 3


Post-Course Evaluation Now that you have left isolation and denial far behind and moved into intimacy and authenticity, answer the following honestly. 1. My intimacy with God is

Non-existent

Weak

Luke-warm

Pretty Good

Amazing 2. Pick which best describes your relationship with God:

What relationship with God? I don’t know him at all.

I feel guilty, like he’s punishing me.

I’m confused. I don’t understand what I did to deserve my life.

I’m furious. How could he let this happen to me?

I know he’s working through my pain, but I don’t like it.

It’s hard, but I trust him completely. 3. My intimacy with my spouse is

Non-existent

Weak

Luke-warm

Pretty Good

Amazing

4. Pick which best describes your relationship with your spouse:

Non-existent

We’re like roommates.

We communicate but we argue a lot.

One or both of us is verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive to the other.

Only one of us has admitted we have a problem and is seeking help.

We have been honest with our struggles, but we feel hopeless.

We are both in recovery, but it is taking longer than we expected.

We are supporting each other in our recovery and our intimacy is growing.

My spouse has ceased acting out, is still in denial, but is willing to stay married. 5. Now that I have completed this course, my goals are to _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________


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