ATT v2

c o n t e n t s

Introduction IX Part I: An Overview

1. Emotions are the Keys to Understanding 1 2. How to Replace Sadness, Anger, and Fear with Joy, Love, and Peace 27

Part II: Your Five Tools 3. Emotions: The Heart of the Matter 51 4. Thoughts: Rewire Your Thinking 79 5. Thoughts: High-Voltage Rewiring 101 6. Intuition: The Direct Line to the Self 123 7. Speech: The Four Rules of Communication 143 8. Speech: Dealing with Differences 167 9. Action: Make and Take Small Steps 191

10. Action: Waging the Battle Against Old Habits 219

Part III: Living It 11. Moving from Sadness to Joy 257 12. Moving from Anger to Love 289 13. Moving from Fear to Peace 313 Conclusion 337 Acknowledgments 339 Appendix 341Bibliography and Further Reading 343 Reading Group Guide 345Index 349

V I I

1

Emotions are the Keysto Understanding

Sadness & Joy Anger & Love Fear & Peace

Attitude Reconstruction proposes that unhappiness, suffering, and misery are rooted in unexpressed sadness, anger, and fear. It also says that we can systematically create their counterparts (joy, love, and peace,respectively) and find the happiness we seek. “But wait,” you’re probably saying, “how can all these complicated feelings be reduced to three pairs of emotions?” If you’re willing to stay open to the possibility, this seem-ingly radical idea will soon resonate with your own personal experience as it has with my own, and with that of my many clients.

1

2 AN OVERVIEW

The Six Emotions

Sadness & Joy Anger & Love Fear & Peace

Each Emotion Feels and Looks Different

Across all cultures, human beings share the same emotions. They’ve been the same throughout the history of Homo sapiens. Cave people experienced fear, anger, and sadness as well as joy, love, and peace. The old, the young, and everyone in between are capable of feeling them all.

Emotions come and go, continually shifting like the weather. They are spontaneous physical reactions to what we experience throughout the day. We feel them as pure sensations in our bodies. They have no words.Just look at the word “emotion,”and you can see “e-motion,”or “energy in motion.” Each emotion manifests as a different sensation in our bodies.

Bodily Sensations Associated with Each Emotion

Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace

heavy heart blissful hot warm cold relaxed

constricted chest expansive flushed open tense

muscles tranquil

weak sparkling tight muscles full shivering content

low energy carefree aggressive soft trembling quiet

tight throat active cold stare smiling stomach knots perceptive

slow exuberant striking out embracing elevated

pulse alert

lethargic light explosive connected agitated calm

When we feel sadness, we feel cold and slow, and we find it hard to speak without crying.With joy,we feel exuberant and bouncy.Anger makes

3 EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING

us feel hot, tight, and ready to strike out and explode. With love, we feel open and warm. When we feel fear, we get cold, shiver all over, and feel our innards constrict. With peace, we feel tranquil and relaxed, yet alert.

The way energy moves in our bodies is different for each emotion too. Sadness weighs us down. Joy’s energy moves upward, causing us to feel elated. When we feel angry, the energy pushes outward, and we lash out and push people away. With love, the energy pulls inward, and we draw others near. When we experience fear, the energy is erratic, and we feel jumpy and wired, or frozen and immobilized. When we experience peace, we feel calm, still, and collected.

Each emotion is also reflected differently in our faces, posture, move-ments, tone, and demeanor. Even without hearing any words, it’s fairly easy to tell the difference between someone who is bouncing around just having been accepted to the university of his choice, and someone who is running late and can’t find some important papers she needs for her meeting. The physical expressions of each emotion are distinctive and easily recognizable.

Another way to understand the distinction between the emotions is to think about how each is expressed physically.

Each Emotion’s Physical Expression

Sadness Joy Anger Love Fear Peace

crying smiling aggressive open agitated relaxed sobbing bubbling pushing soft shivering silent weeping sparkling pounding smiling shuddering still

wailing exuberant laughter stomping sweet

laughter trembling alert

frowning exhilarated yells biting embracing nervous

laughter aware

crying yelling undefended quivering smiling caustic

laughter reaching

out jiggly legs

4 AN OVERVIEW

Emotions and Feelings

We affix many different names to the same emotions. Emptiness,helplessness, arrogance, confusion, impatience, jealousy—these are just different labels we attach to the same wordless physical sensation,depending on our history and circumstances. The same is true for bliss,contentment, delight, and ecstasy. Feelings are mental. Emotions are physical. An example will bring this concept into focus. Say you’ve been under the weather but dread going to the doctor. Your stomach is in knots, and your hands are freezing. You start projecting into the future.“What if I have cancer? I won’t be able to work. What will happen to the children?”You might call what you’re feeling anxiety or nervousness,but what you are experiencing on a physical level is the emotion of fear.It’s just pure energy.

It doesn’t matter whether the source of your fear is a potential diagnosis, meeting your future in-laws for the first time, or giving a pre-sentation in class. And it doesn’t matter whether you call what you’re feeling anxiety, stress, agitation, or panic—you’re dealing with fear.

Examples of Some Feelings Associated with Each Emotion

Anger Love

jealous open

dissatisfied satisfied

intolerant tolerant

resentful kind

disgusted grateful conceited humble

stingy generous

Sadness Joy Fear Peace

unlovable lovable worried relaxed

lonely confident nervous calm

needy secure stressed productive

guilty self-accepting indecisive stable

small strong confused committed incapable powerful impatient patient

glum delighted rigid flexible

It’s easier to deal with what we’re feeling if we identify the underly-ing emotions. Is it sadness, anger, fear? Joy, love, peace?


Emotions Are Triggered by Specific Events

Everyone experiences all six emotions. They are normal reactions to specific events. As we go through life, big and little things happen that naturally evoke these different sensations in our bodies. Whether it’s a scene in a movie, gossip about a friend, or an upheaval at work, our emo-tions are continually triggered by the events in our lives. The following table shows you the types of situations that generate each emotion.

Emotional Triggers

Emotions Specific Events

Sadness

Joy

losses and hurts

achievements, good news, creative express, beauty

Anger

Love

injustices and violations

kindness, caring, generosity, understanding

Fear

Peace

threats to our survival

safety, comfort, security, serenity

We often experience more than one emotion at a time, and some-times one emotion masks another. For example, imagine that someone you admire calls you “careless.” That feels like a violation and naturally provokes anger. But it also hurts to be called names, so buried under-neath your anger is probably sadness. If, while blasting you, the person expresses hostility, you probably feel threatened and experience fear as well.

Why We Resist Our Emotions

As babies, we took delight in the world around us and marveled at being alive. We dealt with upsets by unabashedly expressing our emo-tions, then swiftly returned to our trusting, playful selves. How simple and great life was. As adults, most of us don’t resist laughing at some-

6 AN OVERVIEW

thing funny, hugging our children, or experiencing a moment of peace while hiking in nature. However, we very much want to avoid crying,expressing anger, and showing fear. Expressing these emotions feels for-eign because we’ve “forgotten” that they are an integral part of being human.

As we grew up, our families, peers, schools, religious institutions—in short, our entire culture—shaped us to fit into societal norms. Constraints on time and place, as well as other people’s own unexpressed emotions,prevented us from directly showing what we were feeling inside. Some-times we were shamed out of vocalizing what we were feeling.

We modeled ourselves on those around us. Instead of expressing our emotions, we developed defenses against them and counterproductive ways of compensating. While it may not be appropriate for a grown woman to throw a loud tantrum when the grocery store is out of her favorite kind of cookie, the campaign against showing emotions has been taken much too far.There are precious few situations in our society where it is okay to cry, stomp, or physically show that we are afraid by shivering. We’ve all gotten the messages: “Tears equal weakness,” “Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve,” “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” or even “Die before cry.” I’ve witnessed a truly caring wife in my office attempt to comfort her husband, who was finally expressing his grief, by saying, “Honey, don’t cry.”

Part of being alive is experiencing countless emotionally charged events every day. Usually, it doesn’t even cross our minds that we could express the emotions we’re feeling. If crying is taboo, expressing healthy anger is also forbidden. We were discouraged from showing anger by being told, “Put a lid on it,”“Girls aren’t pretty when they’re angry,”“We don’t yell in this family,” “You’re upsetting me,” or “You’re acting crazy again.” In a similar fashion, expressing fear was summarily squashed with messages such as “Don’t be a scaredy-cat,” “You chicken,” “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” or “Snap out of it!”

And we don’t stifle only the emotions that we regard as negative or unpleasant. To a lesser degree, we learned to downplay the emotions of joy, love, and peace. As children, our unbridled laughter was often


disruptive to the busy routines of adults. When we squealed in sheer delight, our parents’ reaction was often a firm command to tone it down.And when we felt peaceful and content to just stare at the clouds, we may have received messages such as “Don’t just sit there” or “Can’t you find something better to do?” Good moments immediately turned flat.Recently, I saw a youngster’s utter joy at being served a huge plate of pancakes extinguished by swift reprimands to “behave” from both par-ents. Overt messages like these, plus observations of those around us,taught us to fit in by camouflaging rather than expressing our emotions naturally and physically.

What We Do Instead of Expressing Our Emotions

Because we don’t allow ourselves to express our sadness, anger, or fear physically and constructively, the emotional energy gets stuck inside of us, along with the specific event that triggered it. Our unexpressed emotions act like a wad of gunk, jamming up our ability to process the experience. Some people have described this to me as feeling numb or being on autopilot. When we don’t process our emotions in a healthy way,our minds resort to well-worn destructive attitudes that are reflected in how we feel, think, speak, and act.

The ways we mask and divert our emotions are all too familiar. For instance, maybe your father came home after holding his anger in all day long, mumbled something about the “idiots” he had to take orders from, and then, after a drink or two, lashed out at his family members,the people he felt safest with. Maybe he numbed his pain by staring mindlessly at the television for hours each night. The fact that he was suffering from high blood pressure and other medical conditions related to stifling his emotions did nothing to improve his state of mind. When we don’t express our emotions physically and constructively, we compen-sate in predictable, destructive ways.

8 AN OVERVIEW

Your Emotional Constitution

Some babies are born mellow, some fussy, and some highly reac-tive. We each come into this world with an emotional predisposition,a temperament that colors how we interpret our experience. Sadness is dominant in some of us, others of us have a tendency to lead with anger,and others are ruled by fear. Imagine that your emotional constitution is comprised of three buckets. One bucket holds sadness, another anger,and a third fear. Some people’s fear bucket is overflowing, while their other buckets are nearly empty; for others, two may be overflowing; for still others, all three buckets are relatively full.When you look at yourself and others from this perspective, it’s easier to understand why people behave the way they do.

You can think of your emotional constitution as being like eye color.If you look at the color of a mother’s and father’s eyes, you can usually make an educated guess about what color their child’s eyes will be. In the same way, your parents’ emotional constitutions have an impact on which emotions are strongest for you. If both of your parents tend to be passive (i.e., have more sadness than anger or fear), there’s a good chance you’ll be passive and experience a lot of sadness too. If one parent has an angry constitution and the other a fearful one, you could have either parent’s constitution or a combination of the two.

Though everybody is capable of feeling all six emotions at any moment, each of us has a propensity to feel some emotions more than others. Take my mom. Her usual reaction to any event was fear; she constantly worried about my dad, my brother, me, and almost anything,bless her heart. Whenever my father was late getting home from work and my mother heard on the radio that there had been an accident on the bridge near our house, she immediately envisioned that something horrible had happened to my dad. She was what I call a “fear gal.”

Imagine a shy college student who is turned down by a dozen sorori-ties. It’s a hurt or loss, so of course she feels sadness. If she doesn’t allow herself to acknowledge her pain and cry constructively, she focuses on feel-ing rejected and begins to view herself harshly. Her unexpressed sadness


manifests in feeling unworthy, which shows up in her thoughts, words,and actions. If she doesn’t handle her sadness in a healthy way, her low self-esteem can become a chronic condition that colors her every move.

Some of us will recognize ourselves in my description of my mother;others will identify with the college student, and still others will see themselves reflected in the angry father. The idea of an emotional con-stitution has its parallel in Ayurvedic medicine, the ancient system of self-health and healing from India. Ayurveda proposes that all aspects of nature can be viewed in terms of three elements—Kapha, Pitta, and Vata—which correlate with the emotions of sadness, anger, and fear.

This quiz will give you a picture of the levels of dominance of sadness,anger, and fear in your emotional constitution. If you are going through a particularly stressful time, your results might be slightly skewed, but in general, they will reflect your basic emotional constitution. Be as honest with yourself as possible in taking the quiz.

1 0 AN OVERVIEW

The Quick Questionnaire: What’s My Emotional Constitution?

Using the scale below, rate yourself from 1 to 5 on each item.

1 = almost never 2 = occasionally 3 = about half the time 4 = often 5 = almost always

Score Set Total

Set A 1. I feel unworthy. 2. I depend on others for approval. 3. I make negative self-judgments. 4. I am passive.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____

Set B 1. I focus on the outside world. 2. I don’t accept people and situations as they are. 3. I make negative judgments of what is. 4. I am selfish.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____

Set C 1. I focus on the future or past. 2. I overgeneralize. 3. I lose sight of what is true or real. 4. I attempt to control.

____ ____ ____ ____ ____

Using the same scale, rate how often you feel:

Sadness____ Anger____ Fear____

Joy____ Love____ Peace____

EMOTIONS ARE THE KEYS TO UNDERSTANDING 1 1

Interpreting Your Results

Add up your numbers for each set of questions. The actual numerical total for each set is not as significant as the way the three totals compare to one another. If your highest total is for the first four questions (Set A), your predominant emotion is sadness. If your highest score is for the second four questions (Set B), your strongest emotion is anger. If your highest total is for the last four questions (Set C), your ruling emotion is fear.

If your scores are equally high for two sets of questions, you have two dominant emotions. My friend Sally is a perfect example of a person with a fear-sadness constitution. I’ve rarely ever seen her angry; she’s too busy getting things done, brooding, and putting an inordinate amount of pressure on herself. Some folks have a constitution equally proportioned among the three emotions. They have a sadness-anger-fear constitution and at any moment may lead with any of these three emotions.

Look at how you rated yourself on sadness, anger, and fear at the bot-tom of the page. Do these scores correlate with the three totals above? And how about your scores for joy, love, and peace? If your rating for joy is high, your score for its opposite, sadness, will probably be low. Like-wise, if your rating for love is high, your score for its opposite, anger, will probably be low. And if your rating for peace is high, your score for its opposite, fear, is usually low.

Your answers reflect the emotions you feel as you deal with life’s twists and turns. When you hear that your partner got in another fender bender, do you feel blue (sadness)? Do you tend to lash out at him about what a reckless driver he is (anger)? Or do you freak out and fret that she’ll lose her license (fear)?

Emotions Drive the Mind

Each emotion steers the mind in a certain predictable direction.That is to say, our emotions determine where we focus our attention.

1 2 AN OVERVIEW

The Focus Associated with Each Emotion

Emotions Focus

Sadness & Joy

Anger & Love

Fear & Peace

Yourself

Other people and situations

Time

Each pair of emotions automatically directs your attention toward yourself, other people and situations, or time. Whether you view the focus destructively or constructively depends on the emotion you’re experiencing.

The first pair of emotions—sadness and joy—turns our attention inward onto ourselves. When we experience sadness in our bodies but don’t express it physically, our minds immediately and automatically start to entertain less than positive thoughts about ourselves. We might regard ourselves as stupid, inadequate, and unlovable. Reciprocally, when we experience joy, we naturally feel good about ourselves. In moments of joy, we know in every cell of our bodies that we’re living life to its full potential. Remember how truly ecstatic you felt when you finished run-ning your first marathon (or another goal you prepared for)? What did you know about yourself then? You probably felt fabulous about your own abilities and knew you could handle whatever would arise.

The focus of the emotions of anger and love is outward. They move our attention to other people and situations. We direct our unprocessed anger externally by finger-pointing and making negative judgments.Unexpressed anger makes us feel self-righteous, behaving as if our way is the only way. Conversely, when feeling love, we focus outward as well,but we respect and appreciate people and situations, and feel expansive,receptive, and open. We’re attuned to what is helpful, compassionate,and kind—and we do those things.

Fear and peace turn our focus to time. Unexpressed fear propels us out of the present moment and into a dreaded future or dwelled-upon


past. If not dealt with, fear distorts our perspective on reality so that we exaggerate dangers and minimize the potential for safety. We over-generalize, using such words as “always,” “never,” “everybody,” and “no one.” In contrast, when we feel peace, our attention fully resides in the present moment. We think in terms of specifics and when we don’t need to think, our minds are still. We feel safe, knowing we’ll be all right no matter what.

Mental Tendencies

Each emotion’s focus carries with it four mental tendencies or core beliefs. How did I come up with these? I observed the entire range of people’s behaviors as they experienced each emotion. I found that all the ways they felt, thought, spoke, and acted fell into a few categories. I concluded that all of our destructive attitudes boil down to twelve men-tal tendencies. The four associated with sadness are about ourselves, the four associated with anger are about other people and situations, and the four associated with fear are about time.

Similarly, all our constructive attitudes can be reduced to twelve opposing mental tendencies. There are four about ourselves associated with joy; four about other people and situations associated with love;and four about time associated with peace. These mental tendencies,constructive and destructive, are the default settings that define our per-sonalities, actions, and reactions.

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The Twelve Pairs of Mental Tendencies

Focus: Yourself

Sadness Joy

Unworthy

Dependent on others for approval

Judge self negatively

Passive

Worthy

Self-reliant

Appreciate and respect self

Speak up and take action

Focus: People and Situations

Anger Love

Focus on the outside world Don’t accept people and situations Make negative judgments of what is Selfish

Open-hearted Accept people and situations Appreciate and respect what is Selfless giving

Focus: Time

Fear Peace

Live in the future or past

Overgeneralize

Lose sight of what is true or real

Attempt to control

Reside in the present

Stay specific

Keep sight of what is true or real

Observe, enjoy, allow, and participate

I’ve already explained that fear and peace bring our mental focus onto time, but how we view the present, past, or future when feeling these two emotions is very different.When we feel fear and don’t express the emotional energy physically, we lose sight of reality—what we knew very clearly at an earlier time and place. For example, you might lose


sight of the fact that the fancy dessert you’re about to eat has at least six hundred calories and is counter to your goal of losing ten pounds. Or you might forget that if you stay up until two in the morning playing on the computer, you won’t feel sharp for your early-morning staff meeting.Conversely, when you feel peace, your mental focus is still on time, but you remember reality. You don’t impulsively give into the temptation to eat the fancy dessert. You remember that you need at least seven hours of sleep to feel your best, so you are in bed by eleven.

Our mental tendencies manifest in how we think, speak, and act.They perpetuate our emotions, both constructive and destructive. For example, if you think well of every person you meet and volunteer read-ily to help others, you will feel love. Reciprocally, if you primarily dwell on the half-empty and feel justified in rebelling against the law, you will perpetuate your anger.

The Mental Tendencies Associated with Sadness, Anger, and Fear

In the next pages, you’ll find sections of the blueprint showing the mental tendencies, feelings, words, and actions associated with sadness,anger, and fear. First is the part for sadness.

Emotion Focus DESTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS

S A

UNWORTHY EmptyInadequateUnlovable

• I’m no good. • I’m not enough.• There’s something wrong with me.

• Think and talk poorly about yourself• Create false impressions• Feel disconnected from who you are

D N E

YOURSELF DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR APPROVAL

LonelyInsecure Needy

• Show me you love me.• I’ll do anything to keep you happy.• Tell me I’m okay.

• Please others at own expense• Cling to other people• Seek validation and compliments

JUDGE SELF NEGATIVELY

S S

cryingsobbing wailingfrowning

Don't

honor

yourself

Self-loathingStupidAshamed

• I should have known or done better. • I’m stupid. I’m pathetic.• I hate myself when I make mistakes.

• Set unrealistic expectations for yourself

• Put yourself down and beat self up• Demand perfection from yourself

PASSIVE HelplessIncapableUnassertive

• Poor me. • I can’t do anything about this. • I don’t know how. It’s bigger than me.

• Play the submissive victim• Fail to follow through• Avoid confrontation

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The mental tendencies associated with sadness boil down to the four ways we don’t honor ourselves. People with sadness constitutions are intimately familiar with these mental tendencies. Mental tendency number one is to believe deep down that you are unworthy, incompetent,and empty. You feel bad about yourself regardless of what you have, look like, or achieve. In essence, this mental tendency robs us of the knowl-edge that we are whole and complete, no matter what. This is because we confuse our pure, inner selves—what remains constant—with our accomplishments, qualities, and characteristics.

Second, because we don’t have a solid sense of our true worth, we look to others for validation and satisfaction. We sacrifice our own wants, needs, and beliefs to keep other people happy, usually because we don’t want them to have a negative emotional reaction. We need them to approve of us and not reject or abandon us.

The third mental tendency we have when in the grip of sadness is to judge ourselves negatively and feel bad about what we have done, said, or thought. We’re mercilessly hard on ourselves, especially when we make a mistake. “I’m a loser.” “I’m dumb.” Our negative assessments are laced with unrealistic expectations and “shoulds,” such as, “I shouldn’t have done that” or, “What made me say that?”

The fourth and last thing that happens when we stifle the physical expression of sadness is that we see ourselves as passive and act accord-ingly. We view ourselves as insignificant and find it hard to speak up and take action. For example, say you’ve been looking for a new apartment for several months. Several places you thought were perfect were given to other people. Increasingly, you feel like a helpless victim, at the mercy of the big, cruel world. Before you know it, you’ve quit exercising, started binging on comfort food, and stopped following up on housing leads.

Anger works in similar ways.The mental tendencies and the feelings,thoughts, and actions associated with anger appear in the excerpt from the Attitude Reconstruction Blueprint on the following page.



A N PEOPLE

AND

OUTWARD FOCUS Jealous BlamingAlienated

• You make me so mad. • You are the problem.• What do they have? say? think?

• Blame / ridicule / justify• Make “you” statements• Compare yourself to others

G E

SITUATIONS DON’T ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS

Intolerant DisappointedFrustrated

• You should be different. • It’s not supposed to be like this.• I don’t believe it.

• Have unrealistic expectations• Give unsolicited advice / opinions• Reject others and withhold yourself

R hot aggressivehittingstomping shoutingpounding

Refuse to

accept

people and

situations

MAKE NEGATIVE JUDGMENTS OF WHAT IS Resentful Critical Disgusted

• You are a loser. • Right-Wrong / Fair-Unfair / Good-

Bad • It’s not enough.

• Expect the worst• Label people and things negatively• Be sarcastic / critical / cynical

SELFISH Stubborn Rebellious Arrogant

• Me. Me. Me. • My way or I won't play.• I'm special.

• Act as if you are more important• Be vain / pushy / insensitive• Don’t listen / opinionated

When we feel anger but don’t deal with the energy constructively,our attention tends to go outward onto other people, things, and situa-tions in four predictable negative ways. The first thing the mind does is to look for something or someone “out there” to blame. When your car breaks down, it’s the mechanic’s fault. When you have a falling out with your cousin, it’s because she’s jealous that you have a boyfriend.

The second mental tendency associated with anger is a refusal to accept people and situations as they are. When consumed by anger, we hang on to the notion that he, she, it, or they “should”be different. We’re full of unrealistic expectations that inflame our anger when unmet. We think, “They shouldn’t have said what they did” or, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

The third mental tendency associated with unprocessed anger is that we negatively judge and label what we don’t accept because it doesn’t conform to our point of view. “It’s not okay,” we righteously rage, “it’s not fair.” We label what we don’t like as “bad,” “silly,” or “wrong.”

Finally, the fourth belief we take on when in anger’s grip is the belief that we should get whatever we want and that we know better than anyone else. (Here is where our ego resides.) We’re the center of the universe, and we selfishly look out for our own interests at the expense

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of others. We think that we have the right to tell others how to run their lives. “I’m the smartest person,” we arrogantly tell ourselves. “If everyone just agreed with me, then everything would be fine.”

We are often under the influence of several mental tendencies simultaneously. Let’s say you’ve just finished a frustrating telephone con-versation with your mother-in-law. You walk into the next room where your teenage daughter is sitting. Without even taking in what she’s doing, you start talking about how pathetic her grandmother is (the first mental tendency associated with anger: directing your energy outward against other people and situations). Your daughter, worried about her test tomorrow,doesn’t agree with you,and responds by whining about her homework. You tell her to knock that off (the second mental tendency associated with anger: don’t accept people and situations), then call her a “crybaby” (the third mental tendency: make negative judgments). When she protests, you reply that if she’d just listen to you, she’d be a better person (the fourth mental tendency: selfishness). All the mental tenden-cies associated with anger manifested in this one everyday interaction.

Next is the part of the blueprint about fear and its mental tendencies.


F E

LIVE IN THE FUTURE OR PAST Worried Anxious Distracted

• What if… • I don't want to feel this feeling.• I've got to get out of here.

• Avoid expressing emotions• Be speedy / impulsive / busy• Escape reality through addictions

A R

TIME OVERGENERALIZE Dramatic Overwhelmed Scattered

• It's always like that.• This is too much. • Nothing ever works out.

• Go on tangents• Exaggerate or minimize issues• Jump to conclusions

Live in past LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL

cold shiveringquivering laughing

nervously breathing

irregularly

or future, and over-generalize

Indecisive Confused Conflicted

• Maybe this, maybe that.• I don't care. It doesn't matter. • I'll handle it tomorrow.

• Doubt excessively• Procrastinate / fail to take action• Act without regard for consequences

ATTEMPT TO CONTROL ImpatientRigidPanicked

• If I don't do it, it won't get done.• Things are out of control.• I’ve got to be in charge.

• Dominate or manipulate• Behave obsessively / compulsively• Plan excessively


What happens when we don’t rid our bodies of the physical energy of fear? Well, our minds don’t turn it against us as they do with sadness, or target other people and situations as they do with anger. With fear, our minds catapult helter-skelter through time, jettisoning out of the pres-ent. We ruminate about the past or attempt to outguess the future. The agitation we experience throughout our bodies is reflected in our actions,speech, and thoughts. We act rashly. We can’t stop talking, or we freeze into confused silence. Our thoughts run at hyperspeed or blank out from overload. We jump to future what ifs and if onlys, which result in doubts,worries, and unrealistic fantasies. Or we go wading into the murky waters of the past by rehashing and analyzing, regretting what was.

Second, unexpressed fear leads our minds to overgeneralize and deal in global abstractions such as always, never, and everyone. We assume all experiences will be like this one or that a particular feeling will last forever. We become masters at what I call “lumping,” dragging other topics into a current situation and drawing sweeping conclusions, such as “everything’s always difficult.” We resort to abstractions when we’re arguing. By the end of the conversation, we’ve brought in dozens of top-ics and handled none.

Third, when in fear’s clutches, we have a tendency to lose sight of what is true or real. We fail to remember that our current situation will pass. For example, if you have a spat with your spouse, you can get con-sumed with how distant you feel, forgetting that you do love him or her.Instead of working to resolve the conflict, you might spend your time fantasizing about having an affair.

The last tactic our minds take when we have unexpressed fear is to try to control. When things seem out of control, we feel driven to do whatever we can to minimize that uncomfortable, scary, free-falling feeling that stems from realizing that some force bigger than us is ulti-mately running the show. We may gain an illusion of control by having a spotless desk, or we may feel as if we have to have complete power over every aspect of a project or every bite we eat.

2 0 AN OVERVIEW

The Mental Tendencies Associated with Joy, Love, and Peace

Just as there are twelve predictable mental tendencies associated with sadness, anger, and fear, there are twelve mental tendencies linked to joy, love, and peace. In the section of the blueprint below, you will find the four mental tendencies associated with joy, the opposite of sadness.

Emotion Focus CONSTRUCTIVE MENTAL TENDENCIES Expression Attitude FEELINGS WORDS ACTIONS

WORTHY

J HappyFull Lovable

• I am whole and complete.• I’m okay no matter what.• What I am seeking is within me.

• Identify with your true self• Know you are not your actions, roles,

traits, and body• Think well of yourself

O Y

YOURSELF SELF-RELIANT

IndependentConfident Authentic

• My job is to take care of myself.• Only if I take care of myself can I truly

take care of you.• I am alone and I am connected.

• Fulfill your own needs and desires• Speak and act in line with your intuition• Enjoy independent activities

APPRECIATE AND RESPECT SELF

smilingbubbling sparkling laughing

exuberantlytears

Honor

yourself

Self-acceptingSelf-respectDelighted

• Life is for learning. We all make mistakes.

• I did the best I could at the time. • I love / accept myself unconditionally.

• Celebrate accomplishments• Learn from mistakes • Be gentle with yourself

SPEAK UP AND TAKE ACTION Powerful Assertive Capable

• My views are equally important.• I am responsible for what I do, think,

say, and feel.• I can do this. I can handle this.

• Set goals and follow through• Speak up about what's true for you• Face obstacles head on

Joy’s mental tendencies are about truly honoring ourselves. The first,the most fundamental tendency, is feeling worthy,meaning that we know we are fine, okay, perfect deep down, no matter what. In spite of chang-ing circumstances, actions, or economic conditions, we stay grounded in the knowledge that we’re whole and complete. We possess unshakably high self-esteem.

The second mental tendency associated with joy is being self-reliant and independent, following our inner wisdom regardless of others’opin-ions. Rather than operating from a need for validation, which puts us at the mercy of real and imagined external pressures, we’re guided by what we know in our hearts when we aren’t under the spell of sadness. We live our lives committed to honesty and personal integrity.

The third mental tendency associated with joy is that when some-

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thing sad happens or we do something we regret, we continue to accept,respect, and appreciate ourselves. Even when we slip or fail, we choose to show infinite compassion for ourselves and remain our own best allies.

The fourth mental tendency is a willingness to take personal respon-sibility. We courageously speak up and take action in line with what we know within is highest and noblest, rather than what is easy or familiar.

Moving on to the next emotion, the blueprint excerpt below shows the mental tendencies and the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with love.


L O V E

PEOPLE

AND

SITUATIONS

OPEN HEARTED Honest Centered Genuine

• My focus is myself. My domain is me.• What is most loving? What is the

high road?• What does my intuition tell me?

• Obey your intuition • Speak honestly about yourself• Act with integrity

ACCEPT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS Satisfied Tolerant Forgiving

• People and things are the way they are.• This is the way it is.• We are all on our own paths.

• Have realistic expectations of others• Give opinions only with permission• Encourage others

APPRECIATE AND RESPECT WHAT IS

Accept

people and

Kind CompassionateGrateful

• I love you. I like you.• We are all connected. • Thank you.

• Be kind to people and things• Offer praise and show gratitude• Attend to the positive

warm open soft tone happy eyes smiling

situations GIVE SELFLESSLY Humble CaringGenerous

• How can I help? What can I do?• Your viewpoints and needs are as

important as mine.• I wish you well.

• Listen lovingly• Serve / support / cooperate• Show friendliness and affection

The mental tendencies associated with love have to do with feeling wholeheartedly connected to other people, things, and situations. When we feel love, we operate from an open heart. We use what is true within as a compass instead of making decisions based on what external pres-sures dictate or what we think others want or need.

The second mental tendency is that we accept people and things as they are—even someone’s insensitivities, shady political maneuvers, or blatant disregard for another’s well-being. Acceptance does not mean you have to agree with another person, but it does mean you have to fully understand their point of view. A stance of true acceptance provides the

2 2 AN OVERVIEW

foundation to find and then take the kind of action that will increase love in any situation.

The third mental tendency associated with love is that we value everyone and everything that exists as we do ourselves. Because we believe that all people are fundamentally the same, we treat others as equals, focus on similarities, feel our interconnection, and look for the good in our world.

The last mental tendency of love is to give selflessly, seek win-win solutions, and share without any ulterior motive besides generating and feeling more love.

Remember that earlier scene, where you and your daughter had an unpleasant interaction over her homework? Here’s the same scene when you’re feeling love rather than anger. Although your mother-in-law was a little testy on the phone, you feel empathy, recognizing that she has not been feeling very well (first mental tendency associated with love: open-heartedness). When your daughter whines, you quickly realize and accept that she is feeling anxious (the second mental tendency associated with love: accept people and situations) and choose to view her wrestling with her homework with compassion (the third mental tendency: appreciate and respect other people and situations). You offer her genuine under-standing, and decide that it’s more important to spend a few minutes encouraging and helping her to conquer what seems difficult than to start on your dinner preparations (the fourth mental tendency: selfless giving).

The last section of the blueprint shows you the mental tendencies and the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with peace.



P E A C E

TIME

Stay

RESIDE IN THE PRESENT Calm Content Alert

• Everything is / will be all right.• This feeling is temporary. This

situation will pass.• Stop. Breathe. Slow down.

• Deal with emotions constructively• Calmly handle whatever happens• Pause to hear your intuition

STAY SPECIFIC Clear Focused Effective

• One thing at a time.• I'll handle the future in the future. • Be concrete. What's the specific?

• Think and speak in concrete terms• Focus on one thing at a time• Make and take small doable steps

KEEP SIGHT OF WHAT IS TRUE OR REAL

calm silent still alert aware smiling breathing

fully

present and specific

Stable Committed Directed

• This is what's true for me. • I am responsible for my experience.• My actions have consequences.

• Stay motivated to accomplish goals• Persevere • Act with conviction / passion

OBSERVE, ALLOW, PARTICIPATE, AND ENJOY Patient TrustingFlexible

• I am part of a greater whole.• Everything is unfolding in its time.• There is enough time.

• Feel centered and safe no matter what happens

• Participate with humor, levity, creativity• Show faith and trust

The emotion of peace is related to living fully in the moment and seeing life in terms of specifics. When we feel peace, our minds slow down and reside wholly in the present—peace’s first mental tendency.Slowing down and pausing allow us to meet the stillness, fullness, and the miraculousness of right now.

The second mental tendency associated with peace is to refrain from making global assumptions, fretting about possible implications, or talking in abstractions. Instead, we stay specific. By remaining concrete and breaking things down into a series of small doable units, we can keep things manageable and accomplish almost anything. By remain-ing specific, we can navigate any topic of conversation, no matter how emotionally charged.

The third mental tendency of peace is that we stay anchored in real-ity and don’t lose perspective when we feel overcome with emotions. We remember that we need to finish a class, even if we find it boring and its assignments unreasonable. We hold fast to our goal of getting in good physical shape, even when we’d prefer to lounge around at home rather than go to the gym.

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The last mental tendency of peace is spontaneous participation in our precious lives and the natural flow with a sense of both playful-ness and responsibility. With equanimity, humor, and passion, we make something meaningful out of whatever we are dealt.

The Ultimate Attitudes

The four mental tendencies associated with each emotion can be reduced to a single statement. When we are mired in sadness, we don’t honor ourselves. When we are possessed by anger, we lose our focus on ourselves and don’t accept people and situations. When fear overtakes us, we jump into the past or future and resort to generalities.These three destructive ultimate attitudes keep us from being in touch with our-selves; perpetuate sadness, anger, and fear; and keep us from feeling joy,love, and peace.

The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Sadness, Anger, and Fear

Emotion Ultimate Attitudes

Sadness Anger Fear

Don’t honor yourself Refuse to accept people and situations Live in the past or future and overgeneralize

The mental tendencies associated with joy, love, and peace can also be summed up in three constructive ultimate attitudes. These attitudes are universally held values that show up in virtually every culture and spiritual tradition as the goals to which human beings aspire.They might sound like airy-fairy notions, pie-in-the-sky clichés, or New Age jargon,but the constructive ultimate attitudes are well within our reach. We can use them to guide our every choice.


The Three Ultimate Attitudes Associated with Joy, Love, and Peace

Emotions Ultimate Attitudes

Joy Love Peace

Honor yourself Accept people and situations Stay present and specific

When you feel joy, you feel pretty darn good about yourself. This is how we begin life. Think about an innocent child. She knows that she is wonderful. She doesn’t disagree when you tell her how beautiful she is. She naturally thinks well of herself, speaks up for her own interests,and follows her own inner beat. Likewise, when you’re feeling love for someone, you naturally accept the person as he or she is, relish what you share in common, and generously share with others. And finally, when you are sitting on the beach with a good book and not a care in the world—no deadlines, no conflicts, no pressures—what is your attitude? You are present. You relish the moment. How do you feel? Calm and relaxed. Right here, right now. Peace!

We can make huge strides just by becoming aware of our destructive ultimate attitudes and replacing them with their constructive counter-parts. For instance, if you have a sadness constitution or notice that you are not being kind to yourself, you can remind yourself, “Oops. There I am putting myself down. I’ll feel better if I say something nice to myself right now.” If you have an anger constitution and you’re being argumen-tative and not listening to what someone else is saying, you could say to yourself, “There I am arguing rather than accepting. It’s time to be quiet and understand her position, because I want to feel more connected.”Or if you have a fear constitution and realize you’re worrying about some-thing in the future, you could remind yourself, “I’m worrying. I’ll enjoy myself more if I focus on what I can do right now.”

Date post:	11-May-2015
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