Dante has separation anxiety. At least that’s what Mum says. In thedaily chaos of tears, cuddles, tears, more cuddles and grabbing eachother for dear life, there certainly appears to be a problem. Despiteyour carefully crafted routine, Dante’s mum finds her way aroundthe parent’s cordon and into the room. While other parents are

gritting teeth and walking away (without looking back), Dante’s mum isplumping cushions and settling in to the book corner. Other children and theirparents are confused by the different rules that seem to be operating. Thiscannot continue – you suspect that Dante is suffering by proxy and it is Mumwho has separation anxiety...

The drop-off every morning canbe a traumatic experience forparents – but sometimes their

inability to let go can causeproblems for everyone, says Paul Dix...

18 Teach Nursery

Separationchaos

How do you respond?ATighten the cordon – ensure

that Dante’s mum cannot enter theroom when she drops him off. Reinforce the agreed routine for all parents, post upextra signage and impose a new routine for the morning.

BMum talk – it is now time to sit downwith Mum and gently explain the impact

of her behaviour on Dante.

CA job for Dante – change the morning routine with Dante

by giving him extra responsibilityfor setting up the room for the first activity.

The consequences

ATighten thecordonThe gate, entrydoor and rope

across the classroom doorare more than enough toreinforce the message tomost parents. However,

you create some new signsthat gently remind everyone

about good drop off routines. Toaccompany the new signage you replacethe rope with a stair gate across the bottom

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behaviourmanagement

Even though your signs are engaging and your barricades tight, they prove no

discouragement for a mother hell bent on that last cuddle of the morning

findoutmoreIf you want to learn outstanding

behaviour practice for yourself, have

a look at Paul’s Online Behaviour

Management Course for early years

practitioners and nursery nurses at

pivotaleducation.com/online-courses-

resources. Join the conversation on

Twitter @PivotalPaul

Teach Nursery 19

of the door, and curtain off the door forgood measure. The new look is a little overthe top, but you’re sure that you haveblocked Dante’s mum’s access to theclassroom. This environmental changeshould help her separate from Dante beforehe comes into the room. It will also meanshe cannot sneak into the book corner, andthe hard stares from other parents mightsubside. Satisfied by your handiwork youawait the arrival of the children.

Dante arrives, late. Mum ignores everysign, vaults the barricades, flings the curtainaside and spends 15 minutes upsettingDante and the rest of the children. Thefollowing morning things are no better.While speaking to another child you turnyour back, only to discover Dante’s mum has slipped past and is arranging cushionsand settling down in the book corner. It seems that you have not solved theproblem but have simply made the gamemore challenging.

Talking behaviour■ Dante’s mum’s behaviour is certainlyirritating, but are there safeguarding issueswith her uninvited entry into the room?■ How do you explain the new physicalbarriers and signage to the rest of the parents?■ Can you put a curtain up to hide theroom from the parents, or do you thinkthat is a step too far?

BMeet with Mum Meeting with Mum is not somethingthat you are looking forward to.Dante’s mum is a forceful character,

and with three other children she has farmore experience with parenting than youdo. Knowing this, you prepare for themeeting well and note down three clearmessages that you want to say to her. Themeeting starts well and she listens to yourappeal to follow the drop-off routine, not toenter the classroom and to let the staff dealwith Dante if he is upset.

As soon as you finish speaking, however,it’s clear that she has heard nothing. She hasbeen waiting for her opportunity to speak.She has brought you some articles onseparation anxiety and details theinvolvement of the GP. She will notcountenance the idea that her behaviour isin any way contributing to Dante’s‘difficulties’. In fact, even as you suggest ityou realise that it was the wrong thing tosay. She becomes defensive, and before the

meeting disintegrates you call a halt to it.This is not the outcome you planned for, andyou suspect that Mrs Dante now thinks thatshe has got you onside.

Talking behaviour■ Would it be appropriate to have acolleague in the meeting with Dante’s mumto support you?■ Is it wrong for you to assume thatDante’s difficulties are created by mum?Might there be more complex issues thatyou are not aware of?■ Is it your place to challenge a parentabout their parenting choices?

CWork with Dante Dante is a lovely boy and althoughhe struggles with the morning chaoshe does settle well. Dante becomes

more anxious as pick-up time draws near butspends 95 per cent of his time happy,involved and helpful. You explain the new jobto Dante and he looks interested. As youshow him what needs to be put out andwhere it needs to go, he asks if a friend canhelp. This seems like a good developmentand Chelsea is enlisted. To reinforce theimportance of this new job you give each ofthem an armband to wear while they areworking (you will use the same armbands forother children who have jobs later in the day).

As Dante arrives the following morningyou can hear him explaining his new job toMum. He’s excited and keen to get on.Stopping at the door he tells Mum that shehas to go now as he has “a special job to do”.As she is once again attempting to sneakinto the classroom, Chelsea cuts her off,whisking Dante away to the back of theroom. This gives you a chance to hold theline and casually observe how happy he istoday. You know that you have only won asmall battle but it’s a sure step on the road towinning the war. It will take time to convinceMum that he can self-manage the separation,for her to realise that Dante can be happywithout her being there.

Talking Behaviour ■ Will you need to change the job/routineto keep Dante as enthusiastic?■ How can you make this arrangement fairto the other children when they all wouldlike to do special jobs?■ How can you get Mum to support thenew responsibility that Dante has?

Which approach did you use?

AYOUR BEHAVIOUR STYLEBarricade the doors!

Sometimes changing the environmentdoes cause an immediate change inbehaviour. Parents’ behaviours are moretricky, however. Dante’s mum has a singlefocus in the morning, and even thoughyour signs are engaging and yourbarricades tight, they prove nodiscouragement for a mother hell bent on that last cuddle of the morning.Meanwhile, the other parents are slowlyrealising that this is all for the ‘benefit’ of Dante’s mum. As the whispering beginsyou realise that changing behaviour needsa more creative approach.

BYOUR BEHAVIOUR STYLEHard talking

Setting up meetings with parents is alwaysa difficult decision. Regardless of how wellyou plan, they can and do go wrong. Youdon’t have enough information to make acall on whether Dante has a specificdiagnosable condition, yet the meetingseems predicated on this. Perhapsgathering more information before themeeting might help; perhaps sitting downwith Mum with no agenda might be abetter way to build trust before you starttelling her how to parent her child.

CYOUR BEHAVIOUR STYLEDivert and rule

Your greatest asset is Dante’s enthusiasmfor nursery and for his friends. Withoutchallenging Mum directly you have theopportunity to show her that Dante can be independent and still be happy. Thedouble distraction of Chelsea and thehallowed armband will not be enough to tempt Dante away every time but it’s a great start. Now, what other jobs can you invent to make the rest of the childrenfeel important?

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