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CAUTION :

I Drive Like You Do !

AMERICANpArAdOxIsT

FOLKLOREEditor: Florentin Smarandache

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CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !(Collection of American paradoxist Folklore)

Editor:Florentin Smarandache, Ph DAssociate ProfessorChair of the Department of Math & SciencesUniversity of New Mexico200 College Rd.Gallup, NM 87301, USA

ILQ2007

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This book can be ordered in a paper bound reprint from:

Books on Demand

ProQuest Information & Learning(University of Microfilm International)300 N. Zeeb RoadP.O. Box 1346, Ann ArborMI 48106-1346, USATel.: 1-800-521-0600 (Customer Service)http://wwwlib.umi.com/bod/basic

Copyright 2007 by InfoLearnQuest and the Editor.Many books can be downloaded from the following

Digital Library of Arts & Letters:http://www.gallup.unm.edu/~smarandache/eBooksLiterature.htm

Peer Reviewers:1. Prof. Mihaly Bencze, Department of Mathematics, prily Lajos College, Brasov,

Romania.2. Prof. Dr. Rajesh Singh, Devi Ahilya University, Khndawa Road, Indore (M.P.),

India.

(ISBN-10): 1-59973-047-2(ISBN-13): 978-1-59973-047-9

(EAN): 9781599730479Printed in the United States of America

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CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !

(Short Forward)

I have collected this beautiful American Folklore - under the form ofaphorisms - from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.

They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorSome of them are cascading Murphys Laws (pessimistically),

others are opposite - like Peters Laws(optimistically).

Their sweetness smiles in the face of adversity, full of irony andauto-irony.I hope readers will enjoy them.

See a few nice examples from the book text: I think, therefore Imsingle, Life is short, break some rules, or Black Holes are Where God

Divided by Zero!

The Editor

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AMERICANpArAdOxIsT

FOLKLORE

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SMILE

Its The 2nd BestThing You Can DoWith Your LipsI GAVE UP DRINKING, SMOKING, AND SEX.

IT WAS THE WORST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE.

RETIREDI Was Tired Yesterday

And Im Tired Again Today

BEAUTY

IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY

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Punish Men Severely

Yes, Th is Is My Truc kNO, I WONT HELP YOU MOVE

Its been a long week alreadyAND ITS ONLY MONDAYYIELD TO THE

PRINCESS

P M S

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I Used Up All My Sick DaysSO I CALLED IN DEAD

I STILL MISS MY EXBut My Aim Is Improving

WORK HARDER

MMillions On WelfareDepend On You !

RETIREDDont Ask Me ToDo A Damn Thing!

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JESUS LOVES YOUEveryone Else Thinks Youre An Asshole

LIFE SUCKSWell, OK, Just Yours

Life Is ShortBREAK SOME RULES

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Why is a job better than a

wife?After ten years, a job still sucks.

IM THEBOSS

My Wife Said I Could Be

MIDDLE FINGER

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I Tried Seeing Your Point of View

BUT I COULDNTGET MY HEAD THAT FARUP MY ASS

Your Proctologist Called

HE FOUND YOUR HEAD

Youre entitle to yourWRONG OPINION

Trust Your InstinctsPeople Really Dont Like You

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Blonde Thinking

CAUTION

Ever stop to think

And forget to start again?

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I SUFFER FROM

C. R. S.

Cant Remember Shit

Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN

Its abeautiful

thing

A Woman&

Her Truck

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Behind Every Successful

ManIS A SURPRISED WOMAN

Im In No ShapeTo EXERCISE

IM SINGLE

BY ONLY SIXNUMBERS

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I Brake For

HOOTERS

I Respect Your OpinionI JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR IT

Uncle Sam Wants You

TO SPEAK ENGLISH

HORN BROKENWatch For Finger

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Im Only Driving Like This

I may be fat, but youreugly, and I can diet

REAL WOMEN

POWER SURGESDont Have Hot Flashes, They Have

TO PISS YOU OFF

Park Somewhere Else

STUPIDITY ISNT A HANDICAP

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Isnt a smoking area in arestaurant like a peeingarea in a swimming pool?

Cant Feed Em?DONT BREED EM

For A Small Town

ASSHOLESCmon, Give Me The Finger

LIKE YOU MEAN IT

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I Dont Suffer From Insanity

I Enjoy Every Minute OfIt

If First You Dont Succeed

SCREW IT

Dont Worry, I Forgot

Your Name Too

Do they everSHUT UP

On your plane?

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I An Not An AlcoholicIM A DRUNK

Alcoholics Go To Meetings

YOU SAY

IM A BITCH

LIKE ITSA BADTHING

WIFE AND DOG MISSING

REWARD FOR DOG

I want to be just like BARBIE

That BITCH Has Everything!

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Dont Worry What People Think

......They Dont Do It Very Often

THIS IS A

WORK-FREESMOKE PLACE

THE WAYTO REMEMBERYOUR WIFES

BIRTHDAYIS TO FORGET ITONCE

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UNATTENDEDCHILDRENWILL BE

SOLD AS SLAVES

WANTED

GOOD

WOMANMust be able to clean,

Cook, saw, dig worms,and clean fish.

Must have boat and motor.PLEASE SEND PICTURE OFBOAT AND MOTOR

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WANTED !GOODMAN

90 YEARS OLD,

RICH, ONE FOOT IN

THE GRAVE, ONE

FOOT ON A BANANA

PEEL, MY HAND ON

HIS SHOULDER.

SHIRTS &

SHOES

REQUIRED

BRAS & PANTIESOPTIONAL

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AVENGE

YOURSELF!

LIVE LONG

ENOUGH

TO BE A

PROBLEM TOYOUR KIDS

WHAT PART OFMEOWDONT YOU

UNDERSTAND?

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REMEMBER

BEER HAS FOOD

VALUE BUT

FOOD HAS NO

BEER VALUE

Be sure to

taste your

wordsBefore you

spit em out

Good Morning!Let The Stress Begin!

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GIVE ME COFFEEAND NOBODY

GETS HURT!

Life is a whore

And I am like her

Guns dont k il l people

People kill people

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We RepairWhat Your Husband

Has Fixed

My Kids Think

Im an ATM

Mondayis the root

of

all evil

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Lord, if I cant be SKINNY

Please let my friends be FAT

I Dont Suffer From

Insanity

I En o Ever Minute Of It

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Embarrassing My

Children

A FULL-TIME OCCUPATION

Dont Drink And Drive,You might hit a bump ands ill our drink

REAL MEN

Cmon, Give Me The Finger

LIKE YOU MEAN IT

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I want to be just like BARBIE

That BITCH Has Ever thin !

GUN CONTROLMeans Using

BOTH

If You Like My Bumper

Youll Love My Headlights

It Takes A Lot Of BallsTo Golf Like I Do

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Was It Love At First Sight?

Or Should I Drive By Again?

I Used To Be SnowWhiteBut I Drifted

US GOVERNMENT AND CONGRESS

IF IT AINT BROKE,FIX IT, THEN IT IS

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WORK HARDERMMillions On Welfare

Depend On You !

BE NICE

TO NERDS

Chances Are

Youll End UpWorking for

One

Your Kids An Honor Student!

But Youre A Moron

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WOMEN WANT ME

ISH TREMBLEAt the sound of my name

Driver Carries No Ca$hHES MARRIED

THEYLL CHOOSE

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I JUST GOT A GUN FOR MY WIFE

Its the best trade I ever made

Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN

FASTERThan A Speeding Ticket

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Its been a long week already

\

Ive Been Fishing So LongMy Worm Gets Social Security

What Would

SCOOBY DO?

AND ITS ONLY MONDAY

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Bill & HillaryAMERICAS DUAL AIRBAGS

Lets Not Meet By

Sleep With Me OnceThank Me Forever

Married Men Dont LIVE Longer

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I LOVE CATS

CHICKEN

DONT TAILGATE MEOR

ILL FLICK A BOOGERON YOUR WINSHIELD

YIELD TO THEPRINCESS

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Dont belittle Powerball.

It's a lways big

Chicks don't respond

to"babe"and"chick"for that matter

Dont justargue.ARGUE well!

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Quality is evenly proportional to thetime left for completion of the project

That which cannot be taken apart

WILL FALL APART

Anything which cannot

possibly go wrong, will still go

wrong anyway

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The chief course ofproblems is solutions

There are two things thatare universal:

HYDROGEN + STUPIDITY.

Never do card tricks with the

ones you play poker with

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The efficiency of a committee meeting isinversely proportional to the number of

participants and the time spent ondeliberations

Success always occurs inprivate, and failure in full

public view

Non-rec iproc al Rule:Negative expectations yield negative results

Positive expectations yield negative results

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The simplest sub jec ts are the

ones you dont know anything

about

The stomach expands toaccommodate the amountof junk food available

The farther away the future is,the better it looks

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The more trivial

your research, the

more people willneed it and agree

Only a fool can reproduceanother fools work

Urgency varies inversely withthe importance

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If it werent for the

last minute, nothing

would get done

The one module you needfor compilation,

will be the one missing from the

tool chest

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Don't talk

unless You canimprove the silence

FLORIDAGods Waiting Room

I`m Not Old,

I m Chronologically Gifted

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Bills travel through the mail

at twice the speed of checks

CAUTION

I Drive Like You Do

Dont Follow Me

OR

Youll End Up At My Place

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Computers can

never

Replace human stupidity

BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD

DIVIDED BY ZERO

Feel Lucky?

Update your software

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Bugs come in throughOpen Window s

Artificial Intelligence

Usually

Beats Real Stupidity

God created men and rested.God created women and

no-one's rested since!

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And Drive

Living on Earth Is Expensive,But It Does Include A FreeTrip Around The Sun.

Heaven wont have meandHell s afraid Il l take

over

Hang Up

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Hire a

Teenager Now While they still

knoweverything

Alcohol and Calculus dont Mix

Never Drink and Derive

HAS THE BEST LAWYERHE WHO LAUGHS LAST

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If you think Im alousy driver,

Wait until you see me putt

TO ERRIS HUMAN

To forgiveis simplynot our

policy

Im diagonally parked

Parallel Universe

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IN MY NEXT LIFE IMGOING TO HAVE MORE

MEMORY INSTALLED

ITS LONELY AT THE

TOP

BUT YOU EAT BETTER

Love Is GrandDivorce is a hundred grand

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My Job Is So Secret even Idont Know What It Is

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

Anyone know the URL?

THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE

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Seen it all, done it all,

Of course youre faster,but Im driving in front of you

Lord, Give Me PatienceBUT HURRY !

Cant remember most of it

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Pride is what we have.Vanity is what others have.

The road to success isalways under construction

W h e n Ev er y t h in g 's Co m in g

Y ou r W a y ,

Y o u 'r e In T h e W r o n g L a n e

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If You Can ReadThisTHANK ATEACHER

You can't have everything,where would you put it?

The young know the rules.The old know the exceptions.

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Cardiologist's diet:if it tastes good,

spit it out.

Insanity Is Hereditary -YOU GET IT FROM YOUR

KIDS

IF I SAVE TIME,WHEN DO I GET IT BACK?

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Go on.Ill see you at thenext traffic light

I Drive Way Too FastTo Worry About Cholesterol

I have good brakes.Do you have GOOD

Insurance?

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I Intend To LiveForever.So Far, So Good.

IF YOU CAN READ THIS,

Ive Lost MyTrailer

To do is to be Descartes

To be is to do Voltaire

Do be do be do -

Sinatra

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If At First you dontsucceed

Put It Out For BetaTest

I Dont Have An Attitude Problem.You Have A Perception Problem

Old Programmers Never

Die, They Just Give Up

Their Resources

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DrIvE LESSLIvE LONGer

Lik e a bra

I

Su ort t i t s

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I have collected this beautiful American Folklore, under the form ofaphorisms, from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.

Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.

They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorThe Editor

ISBN 1-59973-047-2

53995>