8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
1/61
CAUTION :
I Drive Like You Do !
AMERICANpArAdOxIsT
FOLKLOREEditor: Florentin Smarandache
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
2/61
1
CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !(Collection of American paradoxist Folklore)
Editor:Florentin Smarandache, Ph DAssociate ProfessorChair of the Department of Math & SciencesUniversity of New Mexico200 College Rd.Gallup, NM 87301, USA
ILQ2007
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
3/61
2
This book can be ordered in a paper bound reprint from:
Books on Demand
ProQuest Information & Learning(University of Microfilm International)300 N. Zeeb RoadP.O. Box 1346, Ann ArborMI 48106-1346, USATel.: 1-800-521-0600 (Customer Service)http://wwwlib.umi.com/bod/basic
Copyright 2007 by InfoLearnQuest and the Editor.Many books can be downloaded from the following
Digital Library of Arts & Letters:http://www.gallup.unm.edu/~smarandache/eBooksLiterature.htm
Peer Reviewers:1. Prof. Mihaly Bencze, Department of Mathematics, prily Lajos College, Brasov,
Romania.2. Prof. Dr. Rajesh Singh, Devi Ahilya University, Khndawa Road, Indore (M.P.),
India.
(ISBN-10): 1-59973-047-2(ISBN-13): 978-1-59973-047-9
(EAN): 9781599730479Printed in the United States of America
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
4/61
3
CAUTION :I Drive Like You Do !
(Short Forward)
I have collected this beautiful American Folklore - under the form ofaphorisms - from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.
They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorSome of them are cascading Murphys Laws (pessimistically),
others are opposite - like Peters Laws(optimistically).
Their sweetness smiles in the face of adversity, full of irony andauto-irony.I hope readers will enjoy them.
See a few nice examples from the book text: I think, therefore Imsingle, Life is short, break some rules, or Black Holes are Where God
Divided by Zero!
The Editor
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
5/61
4
AMERICANpArAdOxIsT
FOLKLORE
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
6/61
5
SMILE
Its The 2nd BestThing You Can DoWith Your LipsI GAVE UP DRINKING, SMOKING, AND SEX.
IT WAS THE WORST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE.
RETIREDI Was Tired Yesterday
And Im Tired Again Today
BEAUTY
IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
7/61
6
Punish Men Severely
Yes, Th is Is My Truc kNO, I WONT HELP YOU MOVE
Its been a long week alreadyAND ITS ONLY MONDAYYIELD TO THE
PRINCESS
P M S
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
8/61
7
I Used Up All My Sick DaysSO I CALLED IN DEAD
I STILL MISS MY EXBut My Aim Is Improving
WORK HARDER
MMillions On WelfareDepend On You !
RETIREDDont Ask Me ToDo A Damn Thing!
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
9/61
8
JESUS LOVES YOUEveryone Else Thinks Youre An Asshole
LIFE SUCKSWell, OK, Just Yours
Life Is ShortBREAK SOME RULES
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
10/61
9
Why is a job better than a
wife?After ten years, a job still sucks.
IM THEBOSS
My Wife Said I Could Be
MIDDLE FINGER
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
11/61
10
I Tried Seeing Your Point of View
BUT I COULDNTGET MY HEAD THAT FARUP MY ASS
Your Proctologist Called
HE FOUND YOUR HEAD
Youre entitle to yourWRONG OPINION
Trust Your InstinctsPeople Really Dont Like You
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
12/61
11
Blonde Thinking
CAUTION
Ever stop to think
And forget to start again?
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
13/61
12
I SUFFER FROM
C. R. S.
Cant Remember Shit
Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN
Its abeautiful
thing
A Woman&
Her Truck
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
14/61
13
Behind Every Successful
ManIS A SURPRISED WOMAN
Im In No ShapeTo EXERCISE
IM SINGLE
BY ONLY SIXNUMBERS
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
15/61
14
I Brake For
HOOTERS
I Respect Your OpinionI JUST DONT WANT TO HEAR IT
Uncle Sam Wants You
TO SPEAK ENGLISH
HORN BROKENWatch For Finger
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
16/61
15
Im Only Driving Like This
I may be fat, but youreugly, and I can diet
REAL WOMEN
POWER SURGESDont Have Hot Flashes, They Have
TO PISS YOU OFF
Park Somewhere Else
STUPIDITY ISNT A HANDICAP
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
17/61
16
Isnt a smoking area in arestaurant like a peeingarea in a swimming pool?
Cant Feed Em?DONT BREED EM
For A Small Town
ASSHOLESCmon, Give Me The Finger
LIKE YOU MEAN IT
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
18/61
17
I Dont Suffer From Insanity
I Enjoy Every Minute OfIt
If First You Dont Succeed
SCREW IT
Dont Worry, I Forgot
Your Name Too
Do they everSHUT UP
On your plane?
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
19/61
18
I An Not An AlcoholicIM A DRUNK
Alcoholics Go To Meetings
YOU SAY
IM A BITCH
LIKE ITSA BADTHING
WIFE AND DOG MISSING
REWARD FOR DOG
I want to be just like BARBIE
That BITCH Has Everything!
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
20/61
19
Dont Worry What People Think
......They Dont Do It Very Often
THIS IS A
WORK-FREESMOKE PLACE
THE WAYTO REMEMBERYOUR WIFES
BIRTHDAYIS TO FORGET ITONCE
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
21/61
20
UNATTENDEDCHILDRENWILL BE
SOLD AS SLAVES
WANTED
GOOD
WOMANMust be able to clean,
Cook, saw, dig worms,and clean fish.
Must have boat and motor.PLEASE SEND PICTURE OFBOAT AND MOTOR
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
22/61
21
WANTED !GOODMAN
90 YEARS OLD,
RICH, ONE FOOT IN
THE GRAVE, ONE
FOOT ON A BANANA
PEEL, MY HAND ON
HIS SHOULDER.
SHIRTS &
SHOES
REQUIRED
BRAS & PANTIESOPTIONAL
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
23/61
22
AVENGE
YOURSELF!
LIVE LONG
ENOUGH
TO BE A
PROBLEM TOYOUR KIDS
WHAT PART OFMEOWDONT YOU
UNDERSTAND?
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
24/61
23
REMEMBER
BEER HAS FOOD
VALUE BUT
FOOD HAS NO
BEER VALUE
Be sure to
taste your
wordsBefore you
spit em out
Good Morning!Let The Stress Begin!
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
25/61
24
GIVE ME COFFEEAND NOBODY
GETS HURT!
Life is a whore
And I am like her
Guns dont k il l people
People kill people
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
26/61
25
We RepairWhat Your Husband
Has Fixed
My Kids Think
Im an ATM
Mondayis the root
of
all evil
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
27/61
26
Lord, if I cant be SKINNY
Please let my friends be FAT
I Dont Suffer From
Insanity
I En o Ever Minute Of It
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
28/61
27
Embarrassing My
Children
A FULL-TIME OCCUPATION
Dont Drink And Drive,You might hit a bump ands ill our drink
REAL MEN
Cmon, Give Me The Finger
LIKE YOU MEAN IT
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
29/61
28
I want to be just like BARBIE
That BITCH Has Ever thin !
GUN CONTROLMeans Using
BOTH
If You Like My Bumper
Youll Love My Headlights
It Takes A Lot Of BallsTo Golf Like I Do
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
30/61
29
Was It Love At First Sight?
Or Should I Drive By Again?
I Used To Be SnowWhiteBut I Drifted
US GOVERNMENT AND CONGRESS
IF IT AINT BROKE,FIX IT, THEN IT IS
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
31/61
30
WORK HARDERMMillions On Welfare
Depend On You !
BE NICE
TO NERDS
Chances Are
Youll End UpWorking for
One
Your Kids An Honor Student!
But Youre A Moron
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
32/61
31
WOMEN WANT ME
ISH TREMBLEAt the sound of my name
Driver Carries No Ca$hHES MARRIED
THEYLL CHOOSE
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
33/61
32
I JUST GOT A GUN FOR MY WIFE
Its the best trade I ever made
Clear the roadIm SIXTEEN
FASTERThan A Speeding Ticket
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
34/61
33
Its been a long week already
\
Ive Been Fishing So LongMy Worm Gets Social Security
What Would
SCOOBY DO?
AND ITS ONLY MONDAY
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
35/61
34
Bill & HillaryAMERICAS DUAL AIRBAGS
Lets Not Meet By
Sleep With Me OnceThank Me Forever
Married Men Dont LIVE Longer
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
36/61
35
I LOVE CATS
CHICKEN
DONT TAILGATE MEOR
ILL FLICK A BOOGERON YOUR WINSHIELD
YIELD TO THEPRINCESS
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
37/61
36
Dont belittle Powerball.
It's a lways big
Chicks don't respond
to"babe"and"chick"for that matter
Dont justargue.ARGUE well!
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
38/61
37
Quality is evenly proportional to thetime left for completion of the project
That which cannot be taken apart
WILL FALL APART
Anything which cannot
possibly go wrong, will still go
wrong anyway
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
39/61
38
The chief course ofproblems is solutions
There are two things thatare universal:
HYDROGEN + STUPIDITY.
Never do card tricks with the
ones you play poker with
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
40/61
39
The efficiency of a committee meeting isinversely proportional to the number of
participants and the time spent ondeliberations
Success always occurs inprivate, and failure in full
public view
Non-rec iproc al Rule:Negative expectations yield negative results
Positive expectations yield negative results
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
41/61
40
The simplest sub jec ts are the
ones you dont know anything
about
The stomach expands toaccommodate the amountof junk food available
The farther away the future is,the better it looks
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
42/61
41
The more trivial
your research, the
more people willneed it and agree
Only a fool can reproduceanother fools work
Urgency varies inversely withthe importance
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
43/61
42
If it werent for the
last minute, nothing
would get done
The one module you needfor compilation,
will be the one missing from the
tool chest
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
44/61
43
Don't talk
unless You canimprove the silence
FLORIDAGods Waiting Room
I`m Not Old,
I m Chronologically Gifted
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
45/61
44
Bills travel through the mail
at twice the speed of checks
CAUTION
I Drive Like You Do
Dont Follow Me
OR
Youll End Up At My Place
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
46/61
45
Computers can
never
Replace human stupidity
BLACK HOLES ARE WHERE GOD
DIVIDED BY ZERO
Feel Lucky?
Update your software
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
47/61
46
Bugs come in throughOpen Window s
Artificial Intelligence
Usually
Beats Real Stupidity
God created men and rested.God created women and
no-one's rested since!
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
48/61
47
And Drive
Living on Earth Is Expensive,But It Does Include A FreeTrip Around The Sun.
Heaven wont have meandHell s afraid Il l take
over
Hang Up
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
49/61
48
Hire a
Teenager Now While they still
knoweverything
Alcohol and Calculus dont Mix
Never Drink and Derive
HAS THE BEST LAWYERHE WHO LAUGHS LAST
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
50/61
49
If you think Im alousy driver,
Wait until you see me putt
TO ERRIS HUMAN
To forgiveis simplynot our
policy
Im diagonally parked
Parallel Universe
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
51/61
50
IN MY NEXT LIFE IMGOING TO HAVE MORE
MEMORY INSTALLED
ITS LONELY AT THE
TOP
BUT YOU EAT BETTER
Love Is GrandDivorce is a hundred grand
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
52/61
51
My Job Is So Secret even Idont Know What It Is
THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.
Anyone know the URL?
THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
53/61
52
Seen it all, done it all,
Of course youre faster,but Im driving in front of you
Lord, Give Me PatienceBUT HURRY !
Cant remember most of it
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
54/61
53
Pride is what we have.Vanity is what others have.
The road to success isalways under construction
W h e n Ev er y t h in g 's Co m in g
Y ou r W a y ,
Y o u 'r e In T h e W r o n g L a n e
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
55/61
54
If You Can ReadThisTHANK ATEACHER
You can't have everything,where would you put it?
The young know the rules.The old know the exceptions.
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
56/61
55
Cardiologist's diet:if it tastes good,
spit it out.
Insanity Is Hereditary -YOU GET IT FROM YOUR
KIDS
IF I SAVE TIME,WHEN DO I GET IT BACK?
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
57/61
56
Go on.Ill see you at thenext traffic light
I Drive Way Too FastTo Worry About Cholesterol
I have good brakes.Do you have GOOD
Insurance?
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
58/61
57
I Intend To LiveForever.So Far, So Good.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
Ive Lost MyTrailer
To do is to be Descartes
To be is to do Voltaire
Do be do be do -
Sinatra
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
59/61
58
If At First you dontsucceed
Put It Out For BetaTest
I Dont Have An Attitude Problem.You Have A Perception Problem
Old Programmers Never
Die, They Just Give Up
Their Resources
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
60/61
59
DrIvE LESSLIvE LONGer
Lik e a bra
I
Su ort t i t s
8/14/2019 Caution: I drive like you do! American paradoxist folklore, edited by Florentin Smarandache
61/61
I have collected this beautiful American Folklore, under the form ofaphorisms, from car plates, from various anonymous postings, fromexpressions heard in my discussions, from e-mails received, etc.
Computer jokes, life taken upside-down, job related reflections, familyconnections, inside-outclichsof language, and so on.
They are in a paradoxist style, or close, and full of humorThe Editor
ISBN 1-59973-047-2
53995>