Chapter 8

Evaluating and Improving Relationships,

Part 2

Rewards and Costs

Social penetration theory from chapter 7 – relationships continue when there are rewards, end when they become too costly

Rewards – pleasure you get from relationship

Cost – problems associated with being in the relationship

Types of Rewards and Costs

Extrinsic – outside the relationshipIntrinsic – within the relationshipInstrumental – the basic exchange of

goods and services

See text for examples of costs versus rewards

Communication Strategies: Aggression

Aggressive talk – talk that attacks a person’s self-concept with the intent of causing psychological pain; using derogatory words

Indirect aggression(passive aggression)-using manipulation, scheming, etc; used by people who feel powerless so they try to make the powerful person seem/look less powerful to others

Communication Strategies: Regrettable Talk

This is talk you regret saying right after it has come out of your mouth; “foot in mouth” syndrome

Five categories: blunder, direct attack, negative group reference, direct and specific criticism, and revealing or explaining too much

Communication Strategies: Criticism and Complaints

Critisism – telling a person something negative about him/herself without offering help to fix the problem; (“you’re ugly / did a bad job”, etc)

usually used from high to lower statusFive targets: appearance, performance,

personhood, relationship style, and decisions and attitudes

Communication Strategies: Criticism and Complaints

Complaint – negative remarks about a relationship, food, etc;

Differs from criticism because it is not directly targeted at a person

Communication Strategies: Avoidance

Refusing to deal with conflict or painful issues

Downside: if the problem is not dealt with, it will not go away and may worsen

To deal with avoidance, use assertiveness: taking responsibility for actions, feelings, etc

Communication Strategies: Defensive Communication

This is when one person in the relationship tries to defend him/herself against remarks or behavior of the other person

The problem is that when you are busy defending yourself you cannot listen to what the other is saying or feeling

See text for defending against defensive communication

Resolving Conflict

Conflict resolution – negotiation to find a solution

Conflict arises between people who do not have compatible goals

Win-win negotiating: when both sides are satisfied with the resolution – how often does THIS happen?

Stages of Resolving Conflict

1. Intrapersonal evaluation – each person analyzes the problem by themselves (how do I feel?)

2. Both people come together and try to come up with an interpersonal definition of what the problem really is

Stages of Resolving Conflict

3. Shared goals are discussed

4. Possible solutions are discussed

5. Goals are weighed against solutions

6. Evaluation of the solution; at this point the entire process could begin again if either or both people are not happy

Steps for Improving Relationships

1. Endurance – don’t “jump ship” at the sight of a problem

2. Work ethic – actively work to produce results both are satisfied with (could be counseling)

3. Personal happiness – find ways to improve your own happiness; not just happiness in the relationship but with yourself and your own life

Improving Relationships Online

Move slowly with any online relationshipNeed to evaluate validity of information

givenRed flags to look forSee text for seven tips for transitioning

from online to in-person