Conflict Resolution
Journal
Write about a recent conflict you had with someone.
Who was it with?
What was the conflict about?
Was there a solution? What was it?
Conflict
1. to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash:
2. to fight or contend; do battle.
3. a fight, battle, or struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle; strife.
4. controversy; quarrel: conflicts between parties. 5. discord of action, feeling, or effect; antagonism or opposition, as of interests or principles: a conflict of ideas.
6. a striking together; collision.
Causes of Conflict
Opposing viewpoints or opinions
Emotions Selfishness Miscommunications
or misunderstandings
Assumptions
Paradigms
Your perception, point of view, or the way you see the world
Covey’s StoryHow could this situation have turned
into a conflict?Why is it important to shift our
paradigms to avoid conflict?
“Seek First to Understand, then to be understood.”
Styles of Communication Review
Aggressive: overly forceful, pushy, or hostile May involve bullying or intimidation May not pay attention to others’ thoughts, feelings,
or needs.
Passive: unwilling or unable to express thoughts and feelings in a direct or firm manner Putting others’ needs ahead of your own Dislikes conflict & will go out of way to avoid
arguments
Assertive: expressing your views clearly and respectfully Standing up for your rights while respecting the
rights and views of others.
Passive Techniques Used During Conflict
Pretending there isn’t a problem
Avoiding the problematic person
Saying “It doesn’t matter” when feeling hurt
Using the silent treatment
Ignoring the problem
Giving in to keep the peace
Aggressive Techniques Used During Conflict
Yelling Name Calling Manipulating Coercion Refusal to Listen Bringing up past
problems POWER
The Use of Power to Win
Three ResponsesFight BackFlight/AvoidanceQuiet Obedience/ Shutting Down
Can you see why it is important not to use control and power against people?
Assertive Techniques
“I” MessagesReflective
ListeningRemaining CalmSticking to the
current issues
Hug O’WarBy: Shel Silverstein
I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs Where everyone
giggles And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins And everyone
cuddles And everyone wins.
Who Owns the Conflict?
The person who is negatively affected by the problem
Rather than blame the other person… Own the conflict & the solution.
What is the owner’s responsibility? To find a way to resolve the problem, even if
he is not the cause of it
Who Owns the Problem?
If your sister borrows your clothes without permission and they get dirty, who owns the problem? Why?
If your brother borrows your car and doesn’t put gas in it, who owns the problem? Why?
If your parents are worried about you because you have not called home by curfew, who owns the problem? Why?
Win-Win Conflict Resolution Process
1. Identify the conflict2. Brainstorm all
possible solutions3. Evaluate the possible
solutions4. Make a decision and
act upon it5. Take responsibility for
your choice6. Evaluate your choice
and either stick with it or choose again
Identify the Conflict or Issue
Use “I” Messages to explain your own concerns, needs and basic goals
Use reflective listening to hear and acknowledge the other’s needs and basic goals
Evaluate exactly what each of your actual needs are with the problem. List needs.
Brainstorm to Generate all possible solutions.
Think of any and all possible ways to solve the problem so that everyone will have their needs met.
Do not criticize any suggestions. Feed back with reflective listening.
Write down all ideas suggested.
Brainstorm All Possible Solutions that meets both
people’s needs Cake Cutting Exercise
You are in charge of a birthday party for four children. You have one cake and need to cut it in 4 equal parts. Brainstorm with your partner. How many different ways could you cut it?
Car Sharing Solution You and your sibling have one car. You need to
go to a meeting tonight, and your sibling wants to visit a good friends. How many solutions can you come up with?
Look at things from another’s perspective and try to see their point of view. Look for a solution that meets both underlying needs.
Car Sharing Solutions
One person could drive the other to their destination and pick them up later.
One person could get a ride from another person going to the same destination.
Have the meeting or friend visit take place at home.
Use a taxi, bus or trax
Others?
Evaluate the Solutions
Ask “Will it work? Does it meet the needs of both people? Are there any likely problems?”
Don’t accept solutions for the sake of speed
Use reflective listening and “I” message skills
Decide on the best solution.
Find a solution that is mutually acceptable to both of you.
If agreement seems difficult, summarize areas of agreement, restate needs, and look for new solutions
Make certain that both of you are committed to the solution.
Implementing the Solution
Get agreement on who does what and by what time frame
Follow-up Evaluation
Carry out agreed method. Wait to see if the conflicts seem resolved.
If the agreed upon solution doesn’t work, remember it is the solution that failed, not the person. Seek for a new solution.
Ask from time to time if the solution is working for both of you.