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THE WICKED WITCH OF THE OLD WEST
By FAYE COUCH REEVES
CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)
# of lines
CLEMENTINE...................... lonely girl looking for the perfect 104 home
SUSANNAH/SCARECROW ... forgetful and brainless 65TIM/TIN CAN MAN .............. full of beans and heartless to the 51
environmentDAISY/COYOTE ................... safety conscious and downright 47
who sometimes forgets she’s a momDAD .................................. Clementine’s hard-working father 14
who sometimes forgets he’s a dadCOWGIRL ........................... actor on TV 5COWBOY ............................ another 3OZZIE/CHESTER ................ man with the answer no matter 24
what the uniformMUNCHKINS 1-13 .............. orphans who help send Clementine 72
down the roadMISS KITTY ........................ proprietor of the Good Witch Café 14
and a really good witch in disguiseWICKED WITCH .................. real… well, wicked witch 21GEEK CHORUS ................... group full of sound effects 5
SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene One: Penthouse in New York CityScene Two: Munchkin, MontanaScene Three: On the road to Emerald CityScene Four: On the road to Emerald CityScene Five: On the road to Emerald CityScene Six: Emerald City
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SETScene One takes place in CLEMENTINE’S New York City penthouse. At a minimum, an armchair is STAGE RIGHT and a TV stand with a flat screen television and a remote is CENTER. There are handles on the upstage, unseen side of the TV to allow the GEEK CHORUS to pick it up and whirl it at the end of Scene Two. Optional décor can be added as desired to dress up the scene. The front door is OFF DOWN RIGHT. The rest of the apartment is OFF UP RIGHT and LEFT.
Scene Two takes place in Munchkin, Montana. The flat screen TV is stacked on top of a long pair of stuffed stockings representing what is left of the Wicked Witch of the East. An UP LEFT panel depicts an Old West café with a sign that reads “The Good Witch Café.” An UP RIGHT panel is an Old West building labeled “The Munchkin Orphanage.”
Scenes Three, Four and Five take place on a bare stage without flat panels. If desired, dress up the set with rocks, tumbleweeds, etc.
Scene Six takes place in Emerald City. The panels are reversed and depict another western scene, this time with much more green.
Risers for the GEEK CHORUS are scattered UPSTAGE for the entire play.
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THE WICKED WITCH OF THE OLD WEST
Scene OneAT RISE: OPTIONAL MUSIC: an instrumental “My Darlin’ Clementine.” The GEEK CHORUS dances IN down the theatre aisles or from the wings, doing a basic boot scootin’ without singing. They take their place on risers scattered UPSTAGE. MUSIC ENDS.CLEMENTINE ENTERS LEFT with her three friends, SUSANNAH, TIM and DAISY. CLEMENTINE’S arms are full, as she is carrying a DVD, a bag of chips, a stuffed dog and a boxed board game. SUSANNAH carries a notebook. TIM carries a book. DAISY is wearing an overstuffed backpack.TIM: I love your home, Clementine. I wish I lived in a penthouse
apartment.CLEMENTINE: This penthouse isn’t a home, Tim. It’s what my mom
calls a good address and a sound investment. I think of it as living in a 401K.
DAISY: Even a penthouse can be a home, Clementine.CLEMENTINE: You’re right. But the people living in that penthouse
have to make it a home. And that’s what I hope will happen tonight. My parents and I are finally going to have a family night. Tonight, all my hopes and dreams of being in a great family, where people talk and laugh and bake cookies together, will finally come true.
TIM: Baking cookies makes you a real family?CLEMENTINE: You know what I mean. The family that plays together
stays together.DAISY: You don’t play?CLEMENTINE: Play? We don’t even talk! And my parents won’t let me
have a real pet. I have a stuffed dog! (Holds up her stuffed dog.)DAISY: I like Too-Too.TIM: Me too! And you don’t have to do any poop-scooping.DAISY: Right. And no shedding.CLEMENTINE: My father said I could have a virtual dog.TIM: What’s wrong with that?SUSANNAH: Have you ever tried to snuggle up with your computer
screen?CLEMENTINE: Do you know that my mother texted me the other day?DAISY: What’s wrong with that?CLEMENTINE: I was in my bedroom, and my mom was in the kitchen.
I’m desperate. Tonight is the night this family becomes a real family.
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SUSANNAH: Not to worry. We’ll be leaving soon so the bonding can start. Thanks for letting me borrow your notes from history class, Clementine. I’m going to need them.
CLEMENTINE: That’s what best friends are for.TIM: And thanks for this guide to recycling. I knew you would have
one.CLEMENTINE: No problem, Tim. (Turns to DAISY.) And Daisy, I hope
that inflatable life vest is what you wanted. I don’t know why you would need an emergency flotation device, but I’m glad I had one.
DAISY: You never know when you are going to need an emergency flotation device.
TIM: Daisy, the only water between Clementine’s house and your house is the fountain in the lobby. If you fall in, we’ll pull you out.
SUSANNAH: And you can pick up loose change and make a little money while you’re in there.
DAISY: You can laugh, but I know what I’m talking about. It’s my latest safety tip. Tip number 1,249. Always be ready for a water landing.
TIM: Landing in what? That spaceship you’re on?DAISY: One of these days, you’ll be glad that I plan ahead.CLEMENTINE: I’m glad I could help all of you.SUSANNAH: You do help, Clementine. You are always there when we
need you.CLEMENTINE: That’s good. But this is it! It’s finally the night my family
will be there for me! Mom and Dad promised. The three of you may be my best friends, but you have got to go. Family only tonight.
TIM: Are you sure they are really putting work aside? No cell phones, no laptops, no tablets?
CLEMENTINE: Tim, how can you ask such a thing?SUSANNAH: Tim is right. I’m no genius, but even I know how attached
your parents are to their technology.DAISY: They own just about every electronic device.CLEMENTINE: That may be true, Daisy, but this is the night! They
promised, and I am ready! No one is asking them to go cold turkey. I have a DVD, age appropriate for… well, for people my age. I also have junk food and a game that promises (Reads from the box.), “Fun, fun, fun for the whole family while teaching the basics of spelling, math and conflict negotiation.” (Hands the box to TIM.)
TIM: Wow, what’s in here, a fifth grade teacher? (Shakes the box.)SUSANNAH: No, it’s a sixth grade teacher. Nothing says fun like
conflict negotiation.
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CLEMENTINE: (Loses patience.) You all have to go! Just family.DAISY: I want to go as soon as possible. I need to get home. (As she
speaks she takes a hard hat, reflective safety vest and goggles out of her backpack and puts them on.) I hear there is a major storm blowing right through the city tonight.
TIM: Daisy, the weather report just said there was a 20 percent chance of rain.
DAISY: You cannot be too careful.TIM : (Points to the hat.) What’s that?DAISY: Hard hat. In case of flying debris.CLEMENTINE: Do you have a banana in there, too? I mean, in case of
flying monkeys? (ALL except DAISY laugh.)DAISY: You can laugh all you want, but when the debris starts flying,
I’ll have the last laugh.SUSANNAH: Daisy, you are such a scaredy cat.DAISY: I am not! I’m just very careful.TIM: Cowardly is more like it! Really, Daisy, you are afraid of everything.
And, let’s face it, germs are everywhere. You can’t be protected from everything. (DAISY reaches into her backpack and takes out a surgical face mask and puts it on. Then she takes out a bottle of hand sanitizer, squirts some on her hands and rubs it in.)
SUSANNAH: No, but apparently you can give it a good try.MOM: (ENTERS LEFT. She is wearing a business suit and is speaking
into a cell phone.) No, Mr. Mentlemen, I understand the dilemma you are facing. It’s just that I think charity begins at home… with me. I’ll get back to you in the morning. (Disconnects.)
CLEMENTINE: Is that it? Is that the last phone call, Mom?MOM: What do you mean, Clementine?DAD: (ENTERS UP RIGHT, carrying a laptop.) I can’t believe this! I have
125 emails to reply to, and that’s just from this afternoon.CLEMENTINE: But they will all still be there when you get to them in
the morning, right?DAD: LOL! Seriously, what do you mean, Clementine?MOM: (Crosses RIGHT to DAD.) 125 emails? That’s nothing. I just
broke my own record. I dealt with 76 phone calls today. I have clients and issues…
DAD: I am overworked…MOM: There are backorders…DAD: Stressed out…MOM: Shipping delays that change ETAs…
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DAD/MOM: I am busy beyond belief. (BOTH smile and high five.) Life is good!
CLEMENTINE: Wait! (MOM and DAD turn to stare at CLEMENTINE.)MOM: Clementine, what is it?DAD: Are you sick?CLEMENTINE: Yes! Sick and tired of cell phones and laptops, emails
and your work! We had something special planned tonight! Don’t you two remember?
MOM: Remember what? I have nothing on my calendar about it.DAD: I would have gotten a beep from my laptop day planner if I had
something special.CLEMENTINE: Don’t you consider me special?MOM: What are you talking about?CLEMENTINE: This was supposed to be family night! You know, a
movie, junk food and games. Just us, all evening long.DAD: Was that tonight?MOM: I think we just penciled that in, Clementine. I don’t think that
was a definite. I always highlight and underline my definites. But, I do want us to do that family night thing really soon. Maybe on Saturday—
DAD: Oh, Saturday is bad. I have the Father of the Year dinner, and I RSVP’d for both of us.
MOM: Why did you do that? I texted you that I was only 50/50 on that date so not to RSVP, and I would get back to you ASAP.
CLEMENTINE: Stop! No more RSVP, ASAP, ETA or LOL. You are making me S-I-C-K. What I want to know is, does this mean there is no family night?
MOM: Of course, there is family night. Soon. Very soon.DAD: I have to have a little notice for these things, Clemmie. I am very
busy right now, but soon, I promise. And hey, your friends are here. That’s good, isn’t it?
MOM: Why don’t you all watch a little television? I’ll be done with my work in time to tuck you into bed or there about. (EXITS LEFT, focused on her cell phone.)
DAD: We will tuck you in, or at least give you a kiss on the forehead if we’re too late. Watch TV. Or how about a movie? Sure! That’s the ticket! (EXITS UP RIGHT, focused on his laptop.)
SUSANNAH: I’m sorry, Clementine. I know you were really looking forward to this evening.
CLEMENTINE: (Throws the game to the floor.) Fun, fun, fun—and conflict negotiation! How can you negotiate when parents lie?
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That’s right. They lie! A movie. Sure! I’ll watch a movie! Can you stay, Susannah?
SUSANNAH: Oh, Clementine, I would love to watch a movie. I would watch paint dry at this point, but I can’t.
CLEMENTINE: What’s wrong?SUSANNAH: I am flunking three subjects, and my parents are holding
me captive in my house this weekend until I finish every overdue project, paper and report. Remember, I just came over to get your history notes.
DAISY: Susannah!SUSANNAH: It’s not that I can’t do the work, but you know me, I’m
just so brainless sometimes! I forget to do the work, or I forget to turn it in, or I forget—
CLEMENTINE: I get the point. Forget it. Well, come to think of it, you already did that. You had better study.
SUSANNAH: I’ll see you on Monday. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT. CLEMENTINE turns to TIM.)
TIM: Don’t look at me, Clementine. My mom only let me leave our house to borrow this book on recycling from you. I have to spend the weekend reading the book and wearing a tin can around my neck on a string.
CLEMENTINE: What?!DAISY: You should never wear anything around your neck. It’s not
safe! That’s my safety tip number 296.TIM: I’m sure I’ll be safe, Daisy, just humiliated. I have to wear a tin
can around my neck all weekend because my mother found out that I wasn’t recycling. I was just putting everything out in the trash.
CLEMENTINE: Why didn’t you recycle?TIM: The trash is right outside the door. The recycling is all the way
behind the garage, and then you have to sort it into bins and then—
DAISY: That’s terrible. You didn’t recycle because you were lazy? You are heartless! What about the generations to come who are counting on us to keep Earth clean for them?
TIM: Okay, I’m heartless. And I’m going to spend the weekend paying for it. So I’d better go. Bye! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)
CLEMENTINE: Daisy, I am desperate! Can you watch a movie with me tonight?
DAISY: Oh, no! There is supposed to be a big storm coming. I have to get home. I am going to take all my blankets and pillows and
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spend the evening in my bathtub with my battery operated radio and extra batteries. It is the safest place in case of tornado, you know.
CLEMENTINE: It’s just supposed to be a little wind and rain.DAISY: You never know! I just wish my new all-weather hard hat had
arrived in time. I ordered it online from safetyRus.com. They have the latest things in safety and prevention.
CLEMENTINE: Prevention of what?DAISY: Unforeseen danger!CLEMENTINE: Like what?DAISY: Killer bee attack, an outbreak of beriberi or elephant stampede!CLEMENTINE: Elephant stampede? Daisy, we live in New York City!DAISY: You can never be too careful. And right now we’re in a penthouse
apartment with a storm approaching. I’m going! I just hope I make it home safely before the storm hits. (Hurries OUT DOWN RIGHT.)
CLEMENTINE: Fine! I will watch a movie by myself. (Grabs the remote, “turns on” the TV and plops in the armchair. She watches the TV as COWGIRL and COWBOY step ON LEFT in full Old West costumes. They are the actors CLEMENTINE sees on the TV.) Oh, a Western movie!
COWGIRL: Oh, Tex, now that we are married, we will settle down in our little home in the West.
COWBOY: We can sit on the porch at night and talk and laugh.COWGIRL: Yes, there will be joy and happiness in our little home.COWBOY: Our little family gathered together in joy.COWBOY/COWGIRL: Home, sweet home!CLEMENTINE: Oh, no, you won’t. You’ll probably get cable TV with high
speed internet, and you will never speak to one another again. (OPTIONAL SONG: “Home, Sweet Home” with traditional lyrics. COWBOY, COWGIRL and GEEK CHORUS sing.)
CLEMENTINE: (At end of song.) Home, sweet home! Ha! The movies lie, too! Especially that Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz” with all that (Mimicking, sarcastic.) “There’s no place like home.” Really? That’s not how I see it. Home is no place! (Stands and paces.) Well, nobody can make me stay in this New York penthouse. I am running away from home.
COWGIRL: I think I heard a discouraging word.COWBOY: Maybe we should build our home in another neighborhood.COWGIRL: This range is going downhill. (COWBOY and COWGIRL EXIT
LEFT. A loud KNOCK is heard OFF RIGHT.)CLEMENTINE: Come in.
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OZZIE: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. He is wearing an overcoat and a military type hat.) Miss Clementine!
CLEMENTINE: Hi, Ozzie. What are you doing here? I thought doormen had to stay by the door.
OZZIE: Usually we do. But I had to warn you and your parents about the big storm. The weather service says it’s turned really nasty. Why, they’ve even spotted tornadoes in the area.
CLEMENTINE: That can’t stop me! I am running away from home.OZZIE: Why, Clementine, you can’t do that. Your parents would be
worried sick.CLEMENTINE: My parents won’t even know I’m gone. They won’t miss
me. The only thing that upsets them is an interruption in their internet service.
OZZIE: That’s not true. Your parents love you very much. They are just a little… distracted. I wish you would think this over.
CLEMENTINE: And I wish someone would create an app called “How to Stop Texting and Raise Your Children!” (GEEK CHORUS makes an ominous whooshing sound and moves their arms in unison to the LEFT.) What was that?
OZZIE: Wind! (GEEK CHORUS makes another ominous whoosh and move their arms to the RIGHT.)
CLEMENTINE: It’s just a little rain, I’m sure. (GEEK CHORUS makes another whoosh and makes a complete circle with their arms, LEFT then RIGHT, three times.)
OZZIE: I think that it’s more than just a little rain. I think the storm is about to hit. You should take cover! I need to go warn others! (EXITS DOWN RIGHT. OPTIONAL MUSIC: a very fast and frantic instrumental “She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain.” GEEK CHORUS picks up pieces of the set and runs across the STAGE, moving them up and down as the penthouse spins in the storm. GEEK CHORUS makes complete circles with their arms in time with the music. MUSIC ENDS. BLACKOUT. [NOTE: If you are not using music, the GEEK CHORUS can still be utilized to make wind-like sounds and movement.])
End of Scene One
Scene TwoLIGHTS UP: Two panels show the Munchkin, Montana set. The big screen TV is placed with two stuffed red and white stockings coming from underneath. CLEMENTINE is lying next to it holding her stuffed dog Too-Too. She wears red cowgirl boots. The GEEK CHORUS is back on the risers, where they will be for the rest of the play. MUNCHKINS
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ENTER from LEFT and RIGHT. They cross and look at CLEMENTINE. They speak in a stereotypical hillbilly, or Old West, style of speech.MUNCHKIN 1: Who’s that?MUNCHKIN 2: And were did she get those strange clothes?MUNCHKIN 3: Those are store bought clothes, for sure.MUNCHKIN 4: At least she’s wearing boots.MUNCHKIN 2: Shoes won’t last ten minutes out here in Montana!MUNCHKIN 5: You sure enough need boots if you are going to live in
Munchkin, Montana.MUNCHKIN 6: Where did she come from?MUNCHKIN 7: Well, this here is just a guess, but looking at her
clothes, I’d say she lives in one of those big cities.MUNCHKIN 8: A big city? You mean she comes from over in Emerald
City?MUNCHKIN 9: No, I mean a big city. I am talking Helena or Missoula!
(MUNCHKINS gasp.)MUNCHKIN 13: I think you are both wrong. I’d say this girl has come
flying in from a really big city. I mean Chicago, New York City or even L.A, as in Cal-i-for-nia! (MUNCHKINS gasp again.)
MUNCHKIN 1: Cal-i-for-nia? What are we going to do with a girl from a place like that?
MUNCHKIN 2: I say we send her right back where she came from as soon as she opens her little eyes.
MUNCHKIN 10: I think it’s mean making somebody live in L.A., Cal-i-for-nia.
MUNCHKIN 11: It’s not mean. Not if that’s where they’re from in the first place.
MUNCHKIN 12: Why, we would be doing her a kindness, really! (OPTIONAL SONG: “California, Here I Come” with traditional lyrics. MUNCHKINS and GEEK CHORUS sing.)
MUNCHKIN 13: (At end of song. Points to the two stocking feet under the flat screen TV.) Wait a dag-gone minute! We can’t ask this little girl to go back where she came from. Not when she has done something so good for us!
MUNCHKIN 3: What has she done for us?MUNCHKIN 13: Looky there!MUNCHKIN 6: Is that Miss Easton? Or what’s left of her?MUNCHKIN 12: That’s right! This little girl has landed a flat screen TV
on top of the meanest…MUNCHKIN 4: …the ugliest…
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MUNCHKIN 5: …the orneriest director the Munchkin Orphanage has ever had.
MUNCHKIN 7: And all I can say is that I feel sorry for the flat screen TV. (CLEMENTINE sits up and looks around. MUNCHKIN 13 helps her to her feet.)
CLEMENTINE: What… what happened? Where am I? Who are you?MUNCHKIN 13: Wow! She sure asks a lot of questions. This is worse
than school.MUNCHKIN 10: Before we tell you where you are, would you mind
telling us where you came from?CLEMENTINE: I live in New York City. (Looks around.) I don’t think I’m
in New York anymore.MUNCHKIN 10: No, ma’am. You have landed in Munchkin, Montana.MUNCHKIN 9: Home of the Munchkin Orphanage. That’s where we
all live.MUNCHKIN 3: Well, that’s where we used to live when we had a
director. (Looks at the stocking feet under the flat screen TV.) But I’m afraid you have landed on top of her. (MUNCHKINS nod in agreement.)
CLEMENTINE: What do you mean?MUNCHKIN 8: You and your flat screen TV have flattened Miss Easton!CLEMENTINE: Who is Miss Easton?MUNCHKIN 11: Maybe you know her by her professional name, the
Wicked Witch of the East.MUNCHKIN 8: She’s part of that terrible family. You know, the Wicked
Witch of the Old West is her evil sister.MUNCHKIN 13: And the Wicked Witch of the South is the one that
caused all those hurricanes.MUNCHKIN 3: But a big wind landed a cotton gin on top of her during
a hurricane.GEEK CHORUS: No more.MUNCHKIN 5: And the Wicked Witch of the North invented long
underwear, the itchy kind that drives a person crazy. But then a big blizzard wind blew in a snow plow, and it landed on top of her.
GEEK CHORUS: Gone, gone.MUNCHKIN 6: But then there’s their brother, the Wicked Warlock of
the Mid-Atlantic states.MUNCHKIN 8: Actually, he’s not so bad. He saw which way the wind
was blowing and with the economy the way it is—MUNCHKIN 5: Even evil henchmen have to support themselves!
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MUNCHKIN 6: Right! So he gave up his evil ways and got a job.MUNCHKIN 1: What does he do for a living?MUNCHKIN 7: He’s a lawyer. (MUNCHKINS react in horror.)MUNCHKIN 9: So he’s only given up his illegal evil ways.MUNCHKIN 10: Now the only one you have to worry about is the
Wicked Witch of the Old West.MUNCHKIN 11: That’s right! She is going to be mad when she finds
out that you have landed a flat screen TV on top of her sister.MISS KITTY: (ENTERS RIGHT, crosses her arms and steps up to speak.)
I think hitting the Wicked Witch of the East with a flat screen TV is the best use of mass media I have ever seen. Finally, television is good for something!
MUNCHKIN 4: Oh, Miss Kitty, we want you to meet— Wait a dog-gone minute. (To CLEMENTINE.) We don’t rightly know your name.
CLEMENTINE: It’s Clementine.MUNCHKIN 4: This here is Clementine. And, Clementine, this is Miss
Kitty. She owns the Good Witch Café. Her food is magical.GEEK CHORUS: (Sighs.) Yummm.MISS KITTY: I am afraid you now have a problem, Clementine. The
Wicked Witch of the Old West is not going to be happy someone has crushed her sister.
MUNCHKIN 3: Even if she was crushed by the latest thing in HD.CLEMENTINE: I didn’t mean to hit anyone with my television or
anything else. I was in our penthouse apartment in New York City one minute, and then next thing I know, a big storm blew in and I went flying through the air.
MISS KITTY: We are glad that you managed to get rid of a big problem for us, but I am afraid another problem is on the way.
MUNCHKIN 2: What might that be, Miss Kitty?MISS KITTY: The Wicked Witch of the Old West will be here any minute.CLEMENTINE: Is that the Wicked Witch of the West? Like in “The
Wizard of Oz”?MISS KITTY: Oh, no, that happened over yonder in Kansas. This is the
Wicked Witch of the Old West.MUNCHKIN 2: Keep your eyes open, everyone. We want to be able to
get out of her way.MUNCHKIN 5: She’ll be coming from the west, of course.MUNCHKIN 1: And that means she’ll be coming from over there, right
around that mountain.
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MUNCHKIN 8: That’s right. The Wicked Witch of the Old West is always coming round the mountain, and she is not a nice person. (OPTIONAL SONG: “She’ll Be Coming Round the Mountain” with traditional lyrics. MUNCHKINS and GEEK CHORUS sing.)
WICKED WITCH: (At end of song, ENTERS LEFT. She is wearing a typical witch’s hat with a cowboy hat instead of the pointed peak. She cackles and moves CENTER to look down at the feet coming out from under the TV.) What is going on here?
MUNCHKIN 12: (To another MUNCHKIN.) Well… you tell her! (MUNCHKINS push and shove as to who will break the bad news to her.)
MUNCHKIN 7: I know you are going to take this in the very best way possible.
MUNCHKIN 9: I know things look bad, but let’s look at the bright side.MUNCHKIN 10: Right. Let’s keep your chin, well, chins up!MUNCHKIN 1: Yes, we hope you take it well.WICKED WITCH: Take it well? It looks like someone has landed a flat
screen TV on top of my sister.MUNCHKIN 2: It only looks like that because that’s what happened.WICKED WITCH: And worse than that, her red cowboy boots are
missing!MISS KITTY: I think you will find that they are now being worn by our
new friend, Clementine.WICKED WITCH: Clementine? Well, my darlin’ Clementine, give me
those boots. They belong to me now that my sister is gone!MISS KITTY: Keep your feet tight inside them, Clementine. They must
have great power, or she wouldn’t want them.WICKED WITCH: Those boots can do you no good. They will only help
someone who knows how to use their magical power. Give them back to me or I will—
MISS KITTY: You will what? This is our town, and you have no power here. Now, off you go before someone drops a flat screen TV on you!
WICKED WITCH: (Looks around nervously.) I’ll go, but you had better watch out, my darlin’ Clementine. I’ll get you! And your little dog, too! (Cackles and runs OFF LEFT.)
MUNCHKIN 11: Really? She’s threatening a stuffed dog?MUNCHKIN 3: You have to be really cranky to hate a stuffed dog.CLEMENTINE: She doesn’t really mean she’s going to get me, does
she?MISS KITTY: Well, it’s possible.
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MUNCHKIN 3: It’s more than possible. The Wicked Witch got mad at Farmer Bob and set fire to his barn just by landing on it.
CLEMENTINE: That’s terrible!MUNCHKIN 13: It wasn’t too bad. We roasted marshmallows!MUNCHKIN 1: But unless you want to become a s’more, you’ll need
to protect yourself.MUNCHKIN 4: You need to talk to Sheriff Oz! That’s what you should
do!MUNCHKIN 6: That’s right. Go see Sheriff Oz over in Emerald City!MUNCHKIN 4: He has all the answers.MUNCHKIN 7: He’s amazing!MUNCHKIN 8: You know that Rubik’s Cube? He can figure it out faster
than you can blink.MUNCHKIN 4: He does crossword puzzles in ink!MUNCHKIN 12: That’s nothing. Sheriff Oz actually understands what
the test results in standardized testing indicate.GEEK CHORUS: Ohhhh!MUNCHKIN 11: Sheriff Oz can help you get back home.CLEMENTINE: Who wants to go home? I like it here. People talk to
each other, and no one seems to have a cell phone.MISS KITTY: No coverage.CLEMENTINE: But I suppose I do have to protect myself from witches
with a bad attitude. How can I find this Sheriff Oz?MUNCHKIN 12: You just do-si-do.MUNCHKIN 2: Do-si-do, heel and toe.GEEK CHORUS: Do-si-do, heel and toe, down the road you go!
(OPTIONAL SONG: “Down the Road You Go,” sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells.” [See PRODUCTION NOTES for lyrics.] GEEK CHORUS sings. MUNCHKINS wave good-bye to CLEMENTINE as she do-si-do’s LEFT and EXITS behind the risers. BLACKOUT. MUSIC CONTINUES during scene change.)
End of Scene Two
Scene ThreeLIGHTS UP: The back panels, TV and stockings have been removed. There is a dinner fork on the ground CENTER, and SCARECROW is in her scarecrow pose LEFT. CLEMENTINE, holding Too-Too, do-si-dos IN RIGHT from behind the risers and sings along with the GEEK CHORUS.CLEMENTINE: (At end of song.) Oh, no! No one told me there was a
fork in the road!
End of script preview.
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PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGENew York penthouse: Armchair, TV stand, flat screen TV, other optional
décor.Munchkin, Montana: Long pair of red and white stuffed stockings, flat
screen TV.On the road: Dinner fork (Scene Three).
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:
Bag of chips, DVD, board game, stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)Notebook (SUSANNAH)Book (TIM)Backpack with hard hat, reflective safety vest, goggles, hand
sanitizer, surgical face mask (DAISY)Cell phone (MOM)Laptop (DAD)
Scene Two:Stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)
Scene Three:Stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)
Scene Four:Stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)
Scene Five:Stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)Spray bottle filled with water, backpack from Scene One (COYOTE)
Scene Six:Stuffed dog (CLEMENTINE)Backpack with spray bottle filled with water (COYOTE)
FLEXIBLE CASTINGGEEK CHORUS can double as the MUNCHKINS. If doing so, all of the MUNCHKINS can say the GEEK CHORUS lines in Scene Two.
If desired, there can be fewer or more than 13 MUNCHKINS. Simply split or combine the lines as needed.
COWBOY and COWGIRL can easily be doubled with two MUNCHKINS or members of the GEEK CHORUS.
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COSTUME SUGGESTIONSCLEMENTINE wears a trendy, stylish outfit typical for her age in Scene One. Starting in Scene Two, she wears red cowboy boots and always carries Too-Too with her.
SCARECROW wears a plaid or patchwork shirt with a little straw sticking out of the pocket. She has an old, beat-up cowboy hat, also with added straw under the brim. A typical “scarecrow” face can be added with makeup.
TIN CAN MAN wears a tunic constructed of various shapes of gray cloth. It should look irregular and “hammered” together. He wears a cowboy hat with a metal funnel attached to the top.
COYOTE wears a safety vest, hard hat and backpack. She has a pinned-on bushy tail, a couple of whiskers and a black round end to her nose put on with makeup.
CHESTER wears Ozzie’s overcoat and a cowboy hat.
MISS KITTY wears a cowgirl outfit and a small witch’s hat (which could be white to indicate she’s a good witch).
WICKED WITCH OF THE OLD WEST wears black cowboy boots and a witch’s hat that has a cowboy top instead of the traditional peak.
OPTIONAL MUSICAll music indicated in this script is optional and is in the public domain so there are no copyright concerns. Sing songs traditionally except where alternate lyrics are indicated. New lyrics to those songs are found below:
“Down the Road You Go”Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”
A minute or so ago,You up and took a ride,Joining the four winds,Flying ’cross the sky.You found a place to land,Taking out a witch.Better head right down the roadBefore she starts to twitch.Oh! Do-si-do, heel and toe, down the road you go.Sheriff Oz is the one who knows all that you should know-oh!Do-si-do, heel and toe, down the road you go.Emerald City is the place so down the road you go.
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“Oh, Susannah”Oh, you’ve come from there in Munchkin town,The sheriff for to see.You’ve got to think.Don’t let us down,Or she’ll zap you in a blink!Oh, dear Scarecrow! Oh, don’t you cry for me!You’ve only got to use your headThe answer for to see.(SCARECROW begins to pace, thinking hard.)
It rained so hard the day you left,The weather it was dry.Now, that’s somethin’ that makes no senseSo, Scarecrow, why not try?Oh, dear Scarecrow! Oh, don’t you cry for me!You’ve only got to use your headThe answer for to see.
“My Darlin’ Clementine”In a penthouse, in the Wild West,Just a lookin’ for a home,Dwelt a finer sheriff finder,And her name was Clementine.Oh, my darlin’, oh, my darlin’, oh, my darlin’, Clementine.Are you lost from home forever?We don’t think so, Clementine.
“My Darlin’ Clementine” RepriseNot a canyon, not a cavern,Not an island all alone.Clementine has found a home now,And she’s never more to roam.Oh, my darlin’, oh my darlin’, oh my darlin’ Clementine.You were lost, but not forever.Welcome home, dear Clementine.
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