Crossed Lines

Pilot episode

A radio sitcom

London

Ollie ............ Manager, Thames Trading

Brian ........... Assistant Manager, Thames Trading

Beijing

Hannah ........ Manager, Sunny Days Procurement

Mimi ............ Secretary, Sunny Days Procurement

Harmony ...... Accountant, Sunny Days Procurement

Audio note

The business and romance phone calls have a slightly different quality

Brian and Mimi ... close and intimate

Hannah and Ollie ...... harsh and tinny

CROSSED LINES

AT THE THAMES TRADING OFFICE, BRIAN, A YOUNG GUY WITH A

SLOW, NORTHERN ACCENT, IS LISTENING TO THE RADIO. IT

CRACKLES UNTIL LANDING ON A NEWS STATION.

FEMALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:

The project, funded by Chinese investors, is expected

to create more than 200 local jobs.

MALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:

Thanks Susan, and if you can’t wait till then for your

own eastern adventure, Hounslow FM has teamed up with

Chinatrip.com to offer you 30% off flights to Beijing!

I went last year and the Great Wall was really amazing.

FEMALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:

I remember you telling us, Tom.

MALE RADIO ANNOUNCER:

Stay tuned for details.

BRIAN:

Ooh. 30 percent! That might attract young business

travellers too.

BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS. HE TURNS THE RADIO DOWN TO ANSWER MIMI,

A CUTESY, SING-SONG CHINESE GIRL DOING HER BEST TO DEVELOP

ENGLISH MANNERS.

BRIAN:

Thames Trading! We take the sting out of B2B!

MIMI:

Brian!

BRIAN:

Oh, hi Mimi!

MIMI:

How do you do?

BRIAN:

I was going to ask you that!

MIMI:

Oh, I am sorry!

BRIAN:

No... I was... (PAUSE, JUST LONG ENOUGH TO BE

AWKWARD)How are things in Beijing?

2.

MIMI:

Things are smashing, Brian. How is the weather in

London may I ask?

BRIAN:

It’s... managing.

MIMI:

Really? Oh Brian, I do so hope I can visit England one

day! It is my dream.

BRIAN:

Is it?

MIMI:

It really is. Everybody knows you English are such

gentlemen!

BRIAN:

There’s one nice stereotype at least.

MIMI:

Stereo- you mean it isn’t true?

BRIAN:

(SUDDENLY HUGH GRANT) Oh, I don’t mean to argue with a

lady.

MIMI:

Do you mean me! How lovely! Ah, England must be so

wonderful, I can see it: clear skies and lovely,

friendly people!

OLLIE, THAMES TRADING’S POTTY MOUTHED COCKNEY MANAGER, IS

HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.

OLLIE:

Brian you rollicking great prat, what are you up to

boy?

BRIAN

(SHOUTING) It’s a business call Mr McAvoy! (QUIETER)

Sorry about that Mimi.

MIMI:

Oh, it is your friendly boss?

BRIAN:

Yeah. He ... thought I might need a cup of tea.

MIMI:

Wah! So warm hearted!

3.

BRIAN:

(OVERLY KEEN) So when are you coming to England?

(CHECKS HIMSELF) I mean-

MIMI:

Ah, I don’t know, Brian! It’s difficult for me. Is

London expensive?

BRIAN:

Eeerh... well-

OLLIE:

(STILL DISTANT, SING SONG) Bri-an. It’s time for workie

workies!

BRIAN:

I’d better be going, Mimi. Master’s calling.

MIMI:

Already you are going? Ok, talk again sometime!

BRIAN:

Yes! I hope so!

MIMI:

Cheerio, Brian. (QUIETER) Brian!

BRIAN:

Bye Mimi.

FX: PHONE HANGS UP.

BRIAN:

(DAY DREAMING) Ah Mimi...

OLLIE:

(LOUDLY AND SUDDENLY CLOSE) What’s all this then?

BRIAN:

Ah! Mr McAvoy. Nothing!

OLLIE:

It better not be!

BRIAN:

I mean, something! I was working on... something.

(RUSTLING PAPERS)

OLLIE:

(SARKY) What can he find at such short notice?

4.

BRIAN:

It’s right here!

OLLIE:

A list of cheap baby bottle suppliers that haven’t yet

been banned from the EU?

BRIAN:

I gave that you yesterday!

OLLIE:

A print out of Workers’ Rights, a Wikipedia page?

BRIAN:

Not likely boss!

OLLIE:

As long as it’s not another of those fruity top trump

cards of yours. I’m tired of finding those everywhere.

BRIAN:

(muttering) It’s Magic: The Gathering. Not fruity at-

OLLIE:

Back in the room Brian! (CLICKING FINGERS AGGRESSIVELY)

So you talked to Sunny Days then?

BRIAN:

Yes, I did! We had a lovely chat just now.

OLLIE:

And what did they say about our latest order? Other

than it is a masterpiece of international business

acumen.

BRIAN:

(PAUSE) A purchase order?

OLLIE:

Yers?

BRIAN:

Oh. (BEAT) Should I call them back?

OLLIE:

You think they really need a repeat performance?

Blimey, you don’t just skirt around an issue, you throw

in leg warmers and a couple of pairs of frilly knickers

while you’re at it!

BRIAN:

Sorry, Mr McAvoy.

5.

OLLIE:

Sometimes I wonder what I pay you for Brian. To just

sit here and have me shout at you ten times a day?

BRIAN:

(MUTTERING) That does seem to be the arrangement.

OLLIE:

Tell me laddy, what is it you want to do with your

life? I’m genuinely curious.

BRIAN:

My life?

OLLIE:

That about sums it up.

BRIAN:

No one’s asked that before. Let me think.

OLLIE:

Unexplored territory ahead!

BRIAN:

I guess what I’d really like is just a place of my own.

And maybe one of those old fashioned arcade machines,

you know?

OLLIE:

You mean like Pong? Good news: Your armpits have

already got that covered!

BRIAN:

No, I mean like a penny drop machine you get on a pier

or somewhere like that. You put a coin in and they all

sort of smush together don’t they? So tempting. Then

you drop in another one and you get a bigger smush.

Eventually a great load of shiny treasure will come

tumbling out. But I always ran out of money before that

happened.

OLLIE:

Exactly how much of your childhood past was spent on

this fickle dream?

BRIAN:

Past?

OLLIE:

I despair of you Brian. I really do. Do you know what I

was doing when I was your age?

6.

BRIAN:

Heading out to the Eastern Front?

OLLIE:

You cheeky sod! I was setting up my own company wasn’t

I? Engaging in enterprise. Building an empire.

BRIAN:

How long does it take to build an empire of two?

OLLIE:

Well it depends on the- hey listen cloth ears. It’s ups

and downs isn’t it, business? It’s my ingenuity what

pays for your fantasy games, don’t forget that. And

this latest dodge is gonna come out a bloody diamond!

BRIAN:

Sounds painful.

OLLIE:

Not at all. Pin back your woolen lobes for a brief

moment oh young and unsophisticated one, to hear tell

of the blag of the century. It’s only adjustable

wedding dresses bought in from China for one tenth the

cost of your normal Marmite and cress. How does that

grab you?

BRIAN:

Loosely. I don’t need a wedding dress. (MAUDLIN) Don’t

even have a girlfriend.

OLLIE:

Well I can’t blame you for not entirely grasping the

magnitude of this concept, Brian. Unattached and

unimpeded as you are on this section of life’s long and

winding. Let me explain to you one of the many heinous

expenditures awaiting your average fellow about to

hitch his wagon to a deadly of the species. Average

cost of a wedding dress? Fourteen hundred notes!

BRIAN:

Blimey.

OLLIE:

Blimey’s right. That’s the first sensible thing you’ve

said all day. Know why it’s so much?

BRIAN:

Because weddings are essentially a scam? Based on

ostentatious, quasi-religious tropes and obsolete

gender norms?

7.

OLLIE:

It’s the female body, Brian.

BRIAN

Right oh.

OLLIE:

Curvaceous it is. And uniquely so. Each woman’s mortal

frame rises and falls like the salty sea waves that

buffet and beset an honest sailor seeking port in a

desperate storm.

BRIAN:

Sounds a bit rough.

OLLIE:

You get used to it. Anyway, the point is your standard

wedding cress has to be specially fitted to the

blushing bride to be: bosom, back and buttocks! Which

is where our new product line comes in: off-the-rack,

low cost - trust me! - adjustable wedding clobber. You

can marry a tiny Tina in spring, have yourself a sneaky

divorce in autumn then walk sturdy Shirley down the

aisle all in time for the frosty winter evenings, and

without ever coughing more than once for your fancy

ball and chain decoration!

BRIAN:

Oooh. I think I get it now.

OLLIE:

This could be the big one, Brian!

BRIAN:

It’s like there’s a big smush gathering in front of us!

FX: CHINESE-STYLE STING TO ESTABLISH BEIJING.

HANNAH ARRIVES AT SUNNY DAYS, BEIJING, FLUSTERED AS USUAL.

THE OFFICE HAS BACKGROUND TRAFFIC NOISES INCLUDING

DISTINCTIVE CHINESE-LANGUAGE TRUCK-BACKING-UP MESSAGES.

HANNAH:

Arr! What a day!

MIMI:

Welcome back, Miss Hannah! How was your meeting?

HANNAH:

Life is like a box of cretins, Mimi. I always know what

I’m going to get. (SIGH) Any calls?

8.

MIMI:

Yes, I called Brian. He’s lovely!

HANNAH:

I meant for me!

MIMI:

(slow realisation) Oh!

HANNAH:

Erg, nevermind. What time is it in London now?

MIMI:

Ah?

HANNAH:

The time difference! Oh god, how often do I ask you

this?

MIMI:

Oh, I know this one: every day!

HANNAH:

Arr! (PAUSE) Let’s see. It’s got to be past 9am by now.

FX: AS HANNAH CALLS, THE MUTED RINGING ON HER PHONE TURNS

INTO THE LOUDER RING TONE AT THE THAMES TRADING OFFICE.

OLLIE:

Thames Trading. Sign with us and you’ll always be in

for a big supplies!

HANNAH:

Erg, that’s the worst one yet.

OLLIE:

Hannah, my little China dove. How are you holding on

out there?

HANNAH:

Tightly. Have you received my garment sample? I’ve not

heard back from you.

OLLIE:

Yers, looks like good workmanship. You found a decent

supplier there sweetheart!

HANNAH:

Yes. Thank you.

OLLIE:

But there’s just one problem.

9.

HANNAH:

(LONG SUFFERING) Go on.

OLLIE:

Modeled on local women was it?

HANNAH:

I suppose so. I don’t imagine they ship in body doubles

from Tasmania.

OLLIE:

Yes, you see your Chinese bird is not exactly built to

the same specifications as our British mademoiselles,

if you get the picture.

HANNAH:

I don’t believe I do.

OLLIE:

I could email you some. Look, you must have noticed the

oriental dame tends towards the slender and svelte-like

and your average English girl tends to... aint.

HANNAH:

(DEATHLY SILENCE)

OLLIE:

Real women is what I’m talking about, Hannah! Nothing

worse than some half-starved tart who looks like she’ll

blow away in the next decent gust of wind. No, no, no!

We need proper-sized garments for your actual proper

lass who a feller would want to accompany down the

aisle.

HANNAH:

Look, that’s fine. If you think you understand local

market demands then send me the new measurements. More

cloth will impact unit cost though. I’ll confirm that

with you tomorrow. The factory’s quite near my office

so I should receive another sample within a few working

days. Three or perhaps-

OLLIE:

Yeah, listen. You’re a bigger girl ain’t you?

HANNAH:

I beg your pardon!

OLLIE:

No need, no need. Listen, I know it’s a complicated

thing, a woman’s body. In fact, I was just explaining

all that to our Brian.

10.

BRIAN:

(DISTANT) He was!

OLLIE:

See? It’s no good me saying to the tailor "more room to

move up top please and why not let the back out a bit

while you’re at it" then expecting something that’ll

fit an actual flesh and blood bird. These are high

grade fashion garments what need to be modeled on a

proper English woman. Namely, you.

HANNAH:

You’re drunk. There’s no other explanation.

OLLIE:

You just said the factory’s practically down the

road. So why not nip down and let them take your

measurements. Kit off, Mr Wang gets his measuring tape

out. Before you know it, the whole deal’s sewn up!

HANNAH:

I’m hanging up now.

OLLIE:

Good lass! You don’t waste a minute. That’s why I like

working with you, girl. You’re always- Oh, she did hang

up.

BRIAN:

Do you really need Hannah to do the modeling Mr

Macavoy?

OLLIE:

Two birds with one deft stone, young musketeer. What we

need is a dress to fit a girl what’s used to nibbling

on more than a couple of spring rolls throughout the

day plus I’m keen to know our woman in China’s stats.

I’ve heard she’s rather top heavy if you get the

picture!

BRIAN:

You did email me about a hundred.

OLLIE:

Just a few nice ones to help you start a collection.

Now, do you know I can’t even find a fully clothed snap

of Hannah up on the internet? It’s not very

professional!

IN BEIJING, HANNAH IS CALLING HARMONY, HER BLUNT BUT

WELL-MEANING CHINESE BUSINESS PARTNER.

FX: PHONE CLICK NOISES

11.

HANNAH:

Hello? Yes, I can hear you. I was just saying, why is

it so difficult to explain to some people that I’m a

professional?

HARMONY:

Of course you are Hannah. How many years have we worked

together? (BEAT) A professional what?

HANNAH:

(SIGH) I wonder sometimes, Harmony. I really do. That

Ollie seems to think I’m some kind of part-time fashion

model!

HARMONY:

(SURPRISED) You? A model? Haha!

HANNAH:

(ANNOYED) Alright! Alright! That’s not the real

problem. The fact is this is just the latest in a long

line of Ollie’s preposterous schemes. We really should

stop working with those jokers.

HARMONY:

But Ollie is useful to us. No need to burn his bridge

yet. And if you meet the factory owner you can make

friends with him. He is very rich you know!

HANNAH:

Is this about "giving face" again? I came to China to

found a successful business not to make friends!

HARMONY:

I think it is the same thing.

HANNAH:

Yes, I’ve noticed. But I don’t see why the owner of a

grotty factory should get to have some exotic British

eye candy turning up to his factory for free

entertainment.

HARMONY:

Oh. You think you should charge money?

HANNAH:

It’s not about money! I’m a successful business woman -

nearly - not just an object of carnal desire for

leering degenerates to ... leer over.

HARMONY:

What is "leering"?

12.

HANNAH:

It’s like... "Leeeaaarphwoar!"

HARMONY:

I see. No, he will not leer you. You know, in China,

it’s very important for business people to meet

face-to-face.

HANNAH:

Pyeh! Can he can stick to that arrangement!

HARMONY:

Ok, Hannah. I will tell him he has to stick to the

arrangements. This afternoon, ok?

HANNAH:

Wait! I never said... erg. I walk into these things,

don’t I?

FADE IN TO BRIAN AND OLLIE’S FOOTSTEPS AS THEY WALK ALONG

THE STREET

BRIAN:

I mean, I don’t want to be too hasty or anything.

OLLIE:

Thinking too quickly isn’t normally a stand out problem

for you.

BRIAN:

And the fact that the Thames Trading credit card has

earned a bunch of air miles doesn’t have to be a

factor.

OLLLIE:

I was going to buy those lagers anyway.

BRIAN:

I was just wondering, if something went wrong working

with Sunny Days is there anything to stop us just

walking into a factory to buy directly?

OLLIE:

China is a commercial and legal minefield, Brian. There

are a thousand ways to get your bits blown off. That’s

why we use Hannah. She’s a buffer.

BRIAN:

I thought you hadn’t seen her picture?

OLLIE:

You idiot! I mean a bulwark - again not what you’re

thinking - an absorber of shocks, think of her like a

(MORE)

13.

OLLIE: (cont’d)big bouncy airbag. We have a prevention of loss

contract with Sunny Days so as not to be on the

unpleasant end of the all-too-inevitable cock ups. You

should only purchase directly from China if you’re

absolutely certain there won’t be any mishaps. Lesson

1: Check your samples like you was checking the family

jewels, my lad. Any lump or minor imperfection could be

indicative of a major problem to come.

BRIAN:

I’m starting to get interested in that side of things

actually. Could I have a look?

OLLIE:

You mean...?

BRIAN:

(Embarrassed) The garment, yes.

OLLIE:

Just checking, Brian! I’ve never been quite sure of

you, my boy.

FADE TO SUNNY DAYS. CARS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BEEPING LOUDLY

HANNAH:

Mimi, are you sure my new business cards haven’t

arrived?

MIMI:

Ah?

HANNAH:

The cards I asked you to order.

MIMI:

Oh. You need?

HANNAH:

(LONG SIGH)

MIMI:

Oh, Hannah! You never tell me, how about your visit to

the factory? Did you enjoy?

HANNAH:

My "visit"? You mean being stuck in a small room with a

strange man and his roving measuring tape while the

boss looked on and gave directions? Absurd, baffling...

and... You know what, I think I’ll save it for an

email.

14.

MIMI:

You want me to write an email to Mr Macavoy?

HANNAH:

No. I’ll just send a quick note to his assistant...

Thing.

MIMI:

Oh... (worried) Brian!

HANNAH:

Right! (TYPING FURIOUSLY AND MUTTERING) RE: wedding

dress farce. Mr Wang is sending the second sample

directly from the factory to save time, not that you

deserve it with the impositions I’ve had to endure. You

can take it as read I will not be modelling garments in

the future. Our partnership already hangs in the

balance and-

CUT TO THAMES TRADING:

BRIAN:

(READING FROM HIS COMPUTER)“Any further humiliations or

inappropriate personal slander will be taken as a

deliberate attempt to undermine our professional

relationship”. Wow. It seems like it wouldn’t take much

to push Hannah over the edge. And if this deal with her

fell through for some reason then someone might have

to...

OLLIE ENTERS

OLLIE:

Someone might have to what?

BRIAN:

(SURPRISE) Woah! Nothing!

OLLIE:

Steady on, Brian. Lean back like that and you’ll come a

cropper. Nothing is it? Sounds like you planning out

your normal working day.

BRIAN:

I’ve been busy today, actually. And, about that... I’ve

got some bad news.

OLLIE:

Bilbo Baggins never got to be a real boy?

BRIAN:

No, errr (NERVOUS ABOUT LYING) Hannah decided to cancel

the wedding dresses. She’s not going to be filling the

order.

15.

OLLIE:

What are you talking about? She loved things those

almost as though she modelled them herself!

BRIAN:

Yeah, I think that might have been a step too far.

OLLIE:

What nonsense! All women like to play fancy dress. Let

me explain it to you, boy.

BRIAN:

Oh, I think I hear a sermon coming...

OLLIE:

(ministerial) You may think a wedding is about tying

sacred bonds, preparing to walk hand in hand through

the forest of earthly pleasures with a partner what has

expressly agreed to stick with your rattly self,

holding and having with barely a passing thought to

either the health of your body or sickness of mind. In

actual fact it’s more about letting your bird tart

herself up and have a bunch of fancy pictures taken.

Hence this latest chapter in the Thames Trading story

that will extra-kate myself from problems

fi-douche-your-Harry and absolutely not of my own

making.

BRIAN:

You say all that. I think Hannah just got embarrassed

with so many factory workers gathering around.

OLLIE:

Who doesn’t love an audience?

BRIAN:

Not if they’re ogling at you.

OLLIE:

What’s that supposed to mean?

BRIAN:

Like... "ogleogleogle"

OLLIE:

I spect Hannah’s used to that. It’s all part and parcel

of being a woman, innit? No point in complaining every

time some kind person takes a moment out their busy day

to pay you a compliment.

BRIAN:

Yeah, but then... one of them... he...

16.

OLLIE:

Yers?

BRIAN:

He started filming her!

OLLIE:

Wow!

BRIAN:

Yes! On his mobile! While she was standing there half

nude! Like Venus in that painting I saw.

OLLIE:

Crikey! I had no idea.

BRIAN:

Yeah, this is serious!

OLLIE:

It certainly is. We have to get our hands on that video

Brian! It’s for the good of the company! I’ll give her

a call. Is the footage nice and clear?

BRIAN:

You can’t call now! It’ll be almost 9 o’clock over

there! And Hannah’s REALLY angry at this one. Even more

than the last few... incidents. If you push her too far

she might terminate the whole partnership.

BRIAN:

Who djew think she is, A robot sent from the future to

kill me? Am I destined to stop the rise of the robots

with low cost fabrics? Mind you, wouldn’t be ideal for

this deal to fall through. That could impact staff

wages negatively. By that I mean yours will almost

certainly reach less than zero.

BRIAN:

You know, I can tell you which factory made the sample.

It says right there on the label. Dong Feng Textiles,

East Seventh Ring Road.

OLLIE:

I applaud your initiative, Brian. I really do. But we

don’t want to have to go to Beijing to pick these up

ourselves do we! I’m too busy for that.

BRIAN:

Go to Beijing? Haha! (unconvincing) Why would I want to

do that? Although, if you really needed me to-

17.

OLLIE:

Ah, I’ll call her tomorrow, patch things up, turn on

the old charm. Flattery’s the way to a woman’s heart,

Brian. By the time I’m finished with her, she’ll be

hand delivering these tailor-made wonders to the Thames

Trading warehouse herself!

HANNAH IS ON A RESTAURANT DATE WITH ROGER, AN AMERICAN GUY

ROGER:

You know, it’s really wonderful to meet a woman who’s

so dedicated to her work.

HANNAH:

You think so? I just want to be good at what I do.

There are enough people in this town doing things half

ars- half baked.

ROGER:

I’m a feminist actually.

HANNAH:

Oh wonderful

ROGER:

Yeah. I think it’s really important men learn to

respect women. When I was growing up in-

HANNAH:

The first step is just listening. I really don’t see

why it’s so difficult to-

HANNAH’S PHONE RINGS

HANNAH:

Sorry, I thought I’d turned this off.

ROGER:

No problem, Hannah. In my job I often have to-

FX: PHONE BLEEP

HANNAH:

(INTO PHONE) What?

BRIAN:

(cockney accent) Hannah, my pretty little dolly bird.

HANNAH:

I... Is that Ollie?

18.

BRIAN:

Of course it is. You don’t recognise your old China

plate?

HANNAH:

You sound funny, did you sit down too quickly?

BRIAN:

(COUGHS, adopts deeper voice) Just a sore throat.

HANNAH:

(zero empathy) Oh dear. What do you want?

BRIAN:

Sorry sweetheart, we’ll have to cancel the wedding

dress order. Swings and roundabouts isn’t it, business?

Ups and downs, round and rounds.

HANNAH:

No.

BRIAN:

(PAUSE, looses accent) What?

HANNAH:

En oh. A two-letter construction indicating you being

out of luck!

ROGER:

Oh Hannah, you’re a riot!

BRIAN:

What djew fink this is? That movie... what has... a

comparable situation?

HANNAH:

I... - Sorry about this Roger - I’m mandating your

approval. That’s a roundabout way of saying you better

swing into action and fill out a purchase order for

1,000 units!

ROGER:

Oh, bravo!

BRIAN:

Listen. That second sample was no good, wasn’t it?

HANNAH:

You won’t have received it yet.

BRIAN:

No... but...

19.

HANNAH:

(To Roger) This shouldn’t take much longer.

ROGER:

No! I’m enjoying it!

BRIAN:

Actually, the problem was with your body.

HANNAH:

(DEATHLY SILENCE)

BRIAN:

(NORMAL VOICE) in for a penny... (BACK TO OLLIE) The

bristols, bum and ... bit in the middle. Not up to

scratch. Non standard.

HANNAH:

There’s nothing wrong with my body.

BRIAN:

Thass not what Mr Wang said. He told me his measuring

tape had to take more unexpected detours than a

schoolbus full of kids what had Mexican food for

breakfast.

HANNAH:

I’ll have you for breakfast you cheeky- Listen, you can

cancel this order under whatever ridiculous pretext you

can dream up but don’t think you’ll be getting the kind

of special treatment I’ve been giving you up till now.

BRIAN:

Cancel the order is it? Well, if that’s what you want.

HANNAH:

Arr! These people I work with.

ROGER:

Don’t worry Hannah, the vast majority of business deals

never work out. In my company we-

HANNAH:

Oh, let’s not talk about business!

CUT TO SUNNY DAYS OFFICE.

HARMONY:

You want to talk about business?

HARMONY:

I think we should stop working with Thames Trading.

Ollie is clearly mentally unstable.

20.

HARMONY:

I think he is interesting.

HANNAH:

Well, I didn’t find it "interesting" when he phoned me

up at half past nine when I was on a date - with a man

I somehow had the time to meet and rattled off a

bizarre series of insults.

HARMONY:

Why you insulted your date?

HANNAH:

No, Ollie did. He did me. Ah, you know what I mean!

Then he phoned the next day and acted as though he

couldn’t remember any of it.

HARMONY:

How many wines did you drink?

HANNAH:

It’s probably for the best. I don’t really want to be

selling tat like those frumpy drawstring wedding

dresses. We should be dealing in products with class

and sophistication.

HARMONY:

Oh you know about those things?

HANNAH:

And selling directly, cut out the middle man. Snip

snip! Ollie Macavoy set adrift, floating off down that

mucky old river on his own. Bon voyage, riddance bien.

HARMONY:

Oh Hannah, your French is very good! But I want to tell

you selling is not so easy. You have to have... people

skills.

HANNAH:

Listen to me, if that card-carrying charlatan can do it

then so can I!

HARMONY:

Oh course you can Hannah, I don’t doubt that at all.

THAMES TRADING OFFICE.

BRIAN:

Ah, I’m not sure about all this scheming. What do you

think, guys? Was I wrong to try and fool Hannah?

21.

BRIAN:

(COWARDLY VOICE) Yes! If Oliver discovers you have put

our allegiance with the oriental traders at risk he’ll

have your head!

BRIAN:

(HEROIC VOICE) Faint heart shalln’t win fair Mimi,

Brion Stoutarm. cast your mind back to when you tricked

the Boggarts of Shadowmoor to hand over their chests of

gold, proper bulging they were - not to mention the

slave girls.

BRIAN:

(NORMAL VOICE) Ah, one track mind, you.

BRIAN:

(COWARDLY VOICE) Gideon, you are but a Dark Confident,

set upon luring Brian into disaster.

BRIAN:

(HEROIC VOICE) Beshrew thee Norin!

BRIAN:

(COWARDLY VOICE) Roses are blue, violets are withered,

your heart is black as a cockatrice’s gizzard!

BRIAN:

(HEROIC VOICE) Rather black than yellow! Why, tales of

Norin’s cowardice could fill a hundred scrolls. Who was

it crossed the Maze of Ith, with strides as bold as any

lion, they wonder is he man or myth, the girls all

swoon it-

FX: DOOR BUZZES

BRIAN:

Ooh, ello.

FX: DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Express delivery! Hello sonny, playing with your

Dungeons and Dragons cards is it?

BRIAN:

Actually, it’s Magic: The Gathering. D&D is similar

but-

GEORGE:

Is there an adult in?

22.

BRIAN:

I better sign for it. There’s a pen here somewhere.

Hang on, I’m sure I can find it!

GEORGE:

It’s a new adventure every day, isn’t it?

BRIAN:

Mr Macavoy was called away for a very important

meeting.

GEORGE:

Had a good tip did he?

BRIAN:

A "sure-fire winner". He’ll probably be in a bad mood

later.

GEORGE:

You can use mine. There you go. Cheers boss!

FX: DOOR CLOSES

BRIAN:

Lets see what we’ve got.

FX: OPENING PACKET

BRIAN:

So this is the famous adjustable wedding dress. These

strings must tighten up the waist. And this one up here

lets out the... uh, for bigger... Hmm.

FX: MUTED PHONE RINGS

BRIAN:

Hi Mimi. (PAUSE)I was just thinking about you.

MIMI:

Oh, really Brian? That is so nice of you to say so.

BRIAN:

How are things?

MIMI:

Things are so tired Brian!

BRIAN:

Oh, sorry. You must be working hard.

MIMI:

No, I didn’t working.

23.

BRIAN:

Ah Mimi. I think I might have made a big mistake. And

put our alleg- partnership at risk.

MIMI:

Why you do this?

BRIAN:

Well, you remember you said that if I ever came to

Beijing...

MIMI:

Oh Brian, a little birdy told me somebody from London

will come to visit with us.

BRIAN:

Really? Where did you hear that?

MIMI:

Here! Mr Macavoy called us on the telephone.

BRIAN:

Oh sh-! Sure, sure he did. Hey, did he have a sore

throat?

MIMI:

No, I think he didn’t have.

BRIAN:

Ok, that was him.

MIMI:

Ah?

BRIAN:

I’ll explain later.

MIMI:

Okay Brian! Wow, it will be so great to see you!

BRIAN:

Yes! I-

MIMI:

Oh, Miss Hannah’s coming! I will hang you up Brian!

Call again so soon!

FX: DOOR SLAM

MIMI:

Oh, or was it Mr Macavoy who is coming?

24.

HANNAH:

Arr! Don’t mention that name. If motor mouth calls, I’m

not here.

MIMI:

Not good mood today?

HANNAH:

Mood? I don’t know what you mean. In fact, I’m rather

excited.

MIMI:

Exciting thing? Tell me, tell me!

HANNAH:

Well, if Oll- Thames Trading, that insignificant little

venture, think they can source directly that frees me

up to move onto other projects. Such as our newest

product line. Voila!

MIMI:

Wow! What’s it?

HANNAH:

High class women’s apparel!

MIMI:

Oooh. How to wear?

HANNAH:

It’s worn on the, uh... up there.

MIMI:

Ah, ah. I know it. Wait, I already learned this word.

(PHONE NOISE) It’s ’boob tube!’.

HANNAH:

(piqued) It’s a bandeau.

MIMI:

I want to have a try!

HANNAH:

Sure, why not? I mean, you’re a bit skinnier than

strictly necessary, but why not? No, it goes under your

shirt... Right. No, wrong! don’t strip off in the

office! My goodness. This whole country is obsessed

with separating women and their clothing.

MIMI:

Ah, I like it! I want it!

25.

HANNAH:

Well you can’t have it.

MIMI:

Wah!

HANNAH:

These are for UK-based retailers. My word, we don’t get

everything we want.

BRIAN’S HOUSE

BRIAN COUGHS A FEW TIMES TO PREPARE FOR A DEEP,

STENTORIAN IMPERSONATION

BRIAN:

(DEEP) Do you, Brian take this lovely Chinese girl to

be your lawful wedded wife? To love, honour and smooch

with to a degree that makes other people feel quite

uncomfortable?

BRIAN:

I... well-

BRIAN:

(Squeaky Mimi voice) Oh, Brian! You change your mind? I

thought you love me!

BRIAN:

I do!

BRIAN:

(DEEP) Jolly good! And do you, Mimi, take his royal-

(NORMAL VOICE) is that pushing it? Myeh! (DEEP) take

his royal highness Brian to be your lawful wedded

prince, protector and gosh-darned best lover in the

world - forgive me lord.

BRIAN:

(Mimi voice) I do! Oh, I really do!

BRIAN:

(DEEP) If any man knows why these two should not be

wed, speak now... and be prepared to get a piece of me!

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, A MUFFLED “BRIAN” AND BRIAN’S

MOTHER IMMEDIATELY ENTERS.

BRIAN’S MUM:

Brian! Your tea’s rea- what on Earth are you doing?

26.

BRIAN:

Just practicing for something.

BRIAN’S MUM:

What’ve you got your sister’s barbies doing?

BRIAN:

They’re bridesmaids.

BRIAN’S MUM:

And Teddy Ruxpin?

BRIAN:

Best man.

BRIAN’S MUM:

This is very odd, Brian. I mean, I know you like your

games.

BRIAN:

Didn’t you ever used to play weddings, before you met

dad?

BRIAN’S MUM:

Ah, the good old days. That’s all well and good, son.

There’s just one thing: why are YOU in the dress?

SUNNY DAYS OFFICE

HANNAH:

(sigh) People are strange, Mimi.

MIMI:

Oh really, Miss Hannah?

HANNAH:

I have this great fashion product, lots of stylish

women would love to wear it.

MIMIE:

You mean me?

HANNAH:

I- I just don’t know why it’s taking so much effort to

get retailers to buy.

MIMI:

If I like something, I just buy. I like to have all the

nice things!

HANNAH:

I must’ve made 100 calls today. Nada.

27.

MIMI:

You want me to have a try? I think I can be a good

saleswoman!

HANNAH:

Let’s make that a back up plan. Oh well, onto the next

number on the list, I suppose.

FX: PHONE DIALLING SOUND

HANNAH:

Yes, Mr Johnson isn’t it? So good to talk again (pause)

It’s Hannah from Sunny Days.

MR JOHNSON:

(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Well go on, I’m a busy man.

HANNAH:

(uncharacteristically sweet) Of course. Just a friendly

reminder. I can only offer you the 50% discount on our

new line of women’s apparel for a few more days!

MR JOHNSON:

Sunny Days. Let me think... Oh, I think I saw the

picture you sent me. A boob tube, right?

HANNAH:

(piqued) It’s a bandeau.

MR JOHNSON:

Right. Right. A bit tacky in’t it?

HANNAH:

No, I think you’ll find it’s chic and elegant.

MR JOHNSON:

Why I saw it meself!

HANNAH:

As a woman, I can assure you this is a high class

product for the fashion-conscious lady.

MR JOHNSON:

I know women!

HANNAH:

That’s possible-

MR JOHNSON:

And I know they don’t want to wear someit that looks

like Davey Crockett’s hat’s slipped!

28.

HANNAH:

This is couture, a classic design element that

outshines fickle trends.

MR JOHNSON:

Why, I’m not going to take a risk on a garment that’s

not even in style.

HANNAH:

(through gritted teeth) Did you consider the

possibility that style isn’t your forte?

MR JOHNSON:

Oh, what is my forte then? Why don’t you tell me that?

HANNAH:

Oh, I don’t know. sticking a pack of whippets down your

trousers then blowing about it into your stupid

trombone till the whole world yawns?

MR JOHNSON:

Now wait a minute-

HANNAH:

Arr! (slams down phone)

MIMI:

(sweetly) He didn’t want?

HANNAH:

(SIGH) I remember why I’m not cut out for sales, Mimi.

BRIAN IS MAKING NOISES IN THE THAMES TRADING KITCHEN

OLLIE:

Stopping for lunch already?

BRIAN:

I need my strength. You never know when something’s

going to happen. Like a long journey, for instance!

OLLIE:

You been reading the horoscopes again? I hear there are

big changes ahead for Virgos! Soon, a tall handsome

stranger will-

BRIAN:

Could you pass the soy sauce?

OLLIE:

What is all this?

29.

BRIAN:

Stir-fried noodles with crackling pork!

OLLIE:

Is it? Here was me thinking it was a chow mein pot

noodle and half a pepperoni.

BRIAN:

(stroppy) Someone ate the other half.

OLLIE:

Listen, if this wedding dress project goes off ok, then

I’ll restock the fridge, alright? Can’t say fairer than

that.

BRIAN:

I can’t wait to try real Chinese food!

OLLIE:

You’ve not been to Wing Chung’s down the road?

BRIAN:

Yeah, but it’s better in China, right?

OLLIE:

I suppose, but I don’t-

BRIAN:

Beijing’s pretty warm this time of year, I heard.

OLLIE:

Yes, but again why are you-

BRIAN:

Better take some T-shirts!

OLLIE:

I will thanks!

BRIAN:

Yeah, and also- Wait... Are you coming too?

OLLIE:

"Too?" You’re not making sense Brian, grammatically or

geographically. If you expect those fairy tale jottings

of yours to be the next Harry Potter you’re going to

have to get your head around basic syntax!

BRAIN:

I thought that...

30.

OLLIE:

Yers?

BRIAN:

Ah. I see. Another one of my fairy tales I guess.

Forget it.

OLLIE:

I’ll do that. I’m getting to be a past master in

dealing with difficult types actually. You know, that

Hannah seemed really set on the idea of canceling the

wedding dress order.

BRIAN:

That is strange.

OLLIE:

It was. She blathered out some nonsense about

unattainable body standards concocted by a male

dominated society then hung up.

BRIAN:

That must have been quite a disappointment for you.

OLLIE:

A temporary set back. I’m hoping to catch an eyeful of

our favourite stroppy cow while I’m in Beijing. Eat

some roast duck, wrestle a few panda bears, check out

the goods, then after Hannah’s left check the dresses!

Do you get that one, Brian? Ah, don’t look so sad. If I

can’t sweet talk her when I’m there then I’ll do things

your way and pop into Dong Feng myself to place an

order. It’ll all work out.

FADE TO THE SUNNY DAYS OFFICE

(WHEN MIMI AND HARMONY TALK TO EACH OTHER THEIR

SPEECH IS MUCH FASTER, STEADY AND FREE OF

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.)

HARMONY:

Mimi ah! When will we get the payment for the wedding

dresses?

MIMI:

I don’t know that!

HARMONY:

You should ask.

MIMI:

But I think the order was canceled.

31.

HARMONY:

Ah? Who canceled it?

MIMI:

I don’t remember that.

HARMONY:

You don’t remember your own ass.

MIMI:

You are right, Meng Ni. I’m always forgetting important

things.

HARMONY:

Was there a problem with the design?

MIMI:

I don’t think so. I liked it. Look, I kept one in my

cupboard.

HARMONY:

Ah? So many clothes. It looks like Xiushui market in

here. Does Ha Na know?

MIMI:

No. She doesn’t need to know everything. I often like

to wear the clothes and take selfies.

HARMONY:

Ok. This is the dress?

MIMI:

It is.

HARMONY:

Heaven! You thought you could sell this in England?

BRIAN WALKS UP THE THAMES TRADING STAIRS SIGHING.

BRIAN:

Hardly pays me anything. Always poking fun. The one

time I’d actually like to-

FX: KEYS RATTLING IN DOOR, DOOR OPENING

BRIAN:

-do something and all I get is- Mr Macavoy!

OLLIE:

Brian I presume.

32.

BRIAN:

It’s Wednesday! You’re in Beijing!

OLLIE:

An interesting theory. What do you think you’re looking

at then: an ill-Lucy-nation?

BRIAN:

Err... Time glitch?

OLLIE:

You appear to have passed up donning the standard

office wear, today of all days. What is that get up

you’ve got yourself up in?

BRIAN:

(bashful) Roman soldier.

OLLIE:

Don’t look like no Roman soldier I’ve ever seen, no

more cracks about my age thank you.

BRIAN:

It’s based on the comic books. I think it’s pretty

accurate all things considered.

OLLIE:

The penny drops. Rattle rattle rattle. So where’s

Asterix?

BRIAN:

Ah, I’d better phone him and cancel.

OLLIE:

Does this explain why my chair’s been tied to the

wheelie bin?

BRIAN:

It’s a Roman-

OLLIE:

Chariot, of course.

OLLIE:

Back to more mundane concerns. Reality, if that concept

doesn’t cause you to rout like you were back at the

battle of Waterloo.

BRIAN:

Actually, that wasn’t-

33.

OLLIE:

I know, Brian. I don’t research the historical accuracy

of these quips ahead of time. Not everyone spends half

their working day on Wikipedia. Did the second sample

come?

BRIAN:

Yeah, when you were... out. I signed for it. With a

pen!

OLLIE:

This is the kind of sterling work I pay you for! Let’s

have a butchers.

BRIAN:

Oh. Wait a minute.

OLLIE:

Why would I have to do that? Hand it over, rover.

(CLICKING FINGERS AGGRESIVELY)

BRIAN:

I think I left it on the bus!

OLLIE:

Oh, did you? Too much to carry what with your cardboard

pilum? There! I got one in. Or perhaps there was a

tuxedo on the seat next over that you thought looked

lonely?

BRIAN:

Sorry, Mr Macavoy.

OLLIE:

Why did you even take it home?

BRIAN:

Yeeeeah.

OLLIE:

I’m waiting.

BRIAN:

Ummmmmm.

OLLIE:

Who tied up your tongue, the boy scouts?

FX: BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS

34.

BRIAN:

Hang on. Yeah, no. Sorry, Phil, racing’s off. I know,

this isn’t shaping up to be a good day.

SUNNY DAYS OFFICE

MIMI:

A big kiss for you! (kissy sound)

FX: PHONE CAMERA NOISE

MIMI:

Let me see! Oh Mimi, I just always so jealous for you.

I think you are so pretty!

MIMI

(even cutesier voice) Who? Me? I don’t think so!

MIMI:

Of course you! Your new hat is so charming! Like a

Paris lady!

MIMI:

(Cutesier voice) Oh, I am a simple girl, just want to

be happy every-

FX: MIMI’S OFFICE PHONE RINGS

MIMI:

Wei? I mean, Sunny Days Restaurant. No! Sunny- Oh hi

Brian! (PAUSE) I am not too bad actually Brian, just

working. (PAUSE) He didn’t?

BRIAN:

No, he’s still here in London!

MIMI:

Oh! Ollie was coming to Beijing for us?

BRIAN:

Yes, he... Didn’t you... So, I guess you don’t know why

he didn’t go?

MIMI:

Yes!

BRIAN:

Oh, you do?

MIMI:

Ah? I mean yes, I don’t know.

35.

BRIAN:

Ah. I would really like to-

MIMI:

Oh, Brian you remember our plan, with Miss Hannah? I

think it is a good time now!

BRIAN:

I don’t know Mimi. You don’t want to make her really

angry, do you?

MIMI:

Yes!

BRIAN:

(hopeful) Yes you don’t?

MIMI:

Yes I do! Brian, you wanted our companies to work

together forever. I remember you saying so.

BRIAN:

You remember that, do you?

MIMI:

Ah, Miss Hannah’s coming. I will hang you up Brian!

FX: DOOR SLAM

HANNAH:

Arr! What a day!

MIMI:

How was your meeting? You found a new business partner?

HANNAH:

Puh! Brain the size of a crouton. I’d hand over our

books to him like I’d hand a kitten to Edward

Scissorhands.

MIMI:

I like kittens!

HANNAH:

I’m sure you do, Mimi. I’m sure you do.

HANNAH:

Oh, I have a number for a funny man who is interested

in the ban... bandaid?

HANNAH:

Deau. You did? You do?

36.

MIMI:

I will find his number for you.

HANNAH:

Ok. Sure. Why not? This could be the one after all.

Think positive. Be ready for the call that turns it

all around. (PAUSE) So this is the hot lead then?

MIMI:

Yes. Hehe!

HANNAH:

Why are you laughing?

MIMI:

I didn’t! (PAUSE) Hehehe!

HANNAH:

Alright, get away! Get away!

FX: HANNAH’S PHONE RINGING

HANNAH:

Yes Hello. Is that... Bonnie... Charlie’s Haberdashery?

BRIAN:

Aye! You’re no wrong there lassie! Wha’ can I douh for

youh? It bear no be no sales kerap mind.

HANNAH:

Oh brother.

FX: STING TO SHOW PASSING OF TIME

THAMES TRADING OFFICE

FX: OLLIE’S PHONE RINGS

OLLIE:

Thames Trading, no job too big, no job too teeny, if

it’s quality you want- What’s that? Yes, you are

through to the famous Mr Macavoy. No, don’t tell me, I

doubtlessly have the pleasure of addressing her

majesty’s customs and excise most thorough, some say

almost TOO thorough, Officer Swardson.

OFFICER:

Questions, Mr Macavoy.

OLLIE:

Oh goody!

37.

OFFICER:

How would you describe you latest shipment?

OLLIE:

With full and flourishing language certainly. Gosh, if

the spoken word failed me, I might have to resort to

singing the praises of the versatility and low cost of

these dresses. (clears throat)

OFFICER:

Dresses, I see.

OLLIE:

Correct. Dresses, comma, wedding. That wants a double

D. I expect you wouldn’t mind-

OFFICER:

Yes, Mr Macavoy I can anticipate your next humorous

remark.

OLLIE:

Efficient. This is why I love getting these calls,

Steven. You’re not one to rattle on unnecessarily,

wasting precious seconds, nay minutes with-

OFFICER:

Customs value?

OLLIE:

Oh, you do a marvelous job! Put down "inestimable."

OFFICER:

Mr Macavoy, the declared value of this shipment of 200

red women’s garments seems suspiciously low.

OLLIE:

That’s practically our slogan innit? Prices what ain’t

just low, they’re suspiciously low.

OFFICER:

These weren’t made with Chinese prison labour were

they?

OLLIE:

Listen, that was one time. Not even that, total

misunderstanding.

OFFICER:

Mr Macavoy, if you treated customs inspections with the

seriousness they warrant to your businesses I’m sure-

38.

OLLIE:

Hang on a minute. What colour did you say they were?

HARMONY’S APARTMENT. THERE’S SOME BACKGROUND CHINESE MUSIC

TO MAKE THE CUT CLEAR. SHE’S ON THE PHONE TO HER MYSTERY

MAN.

HARMONY:

Red. Very red. You know, in China, you have to put

everything into the contract. Otherwise-

MYSTERY MAN:

Cock ups. Yes, well. I think I have the perfect

solution for you.

HARMONY:

Thank you.

MYSTERY MAN:

Not at all, In England we have a saying "A friend in

need is a friend indeed"

HARMONY:

I like this saying.

MYSTERY MAN:

And I have a friend in Leeds. He works in a really big

private school, what you can do is-

(FADE OUT)

THAMES TRADING

OLLIE:

You said the dress looked fine! You practically fell in

love with the thing.

BRIAN:

It did look fine! Very nice.

OLLIE:

Brian, what color are wedding dresses normally?

BRIAN:

I’ve never got married. Don’t even have a g-

OLLIE:

In the movies then. Paint a picture in your mind.

Groom’s in a somber outfit, even sombrer expression on

his chevvy. Dang dang da-dang, strife-to-be enters

church left, what’s her colour scheme?

39.

BRIAN:

White, I suppose.

OLLIE:

And what color was the sample?

BRIAN:

Kind of...off white?

OLLIE:

Off-white, as in bright screwing red!

BRIAN:

You know, in China, red is used for ceremonial clothes.

It is a symbol of good fortune and a portent of

happiness and success.

OLLIE:

Well, you know, In England it represents a cock up of

intergalactic proportions and is a portent of my foot

free kicking your April all the way to the nearest job

centre!

BRIAN:

Well, maybe if you’d’ve let me go to Beijing I’d’ve

responded to the extra responsibility and we would’nt

have this problem.

OLLIE:

(PAUSE) There’s something not entirely kosher going on

here, Brian. Roman soliders, the Venus de Milo, you

answering back. In fact, that whole fishy tale of

Hannah and the Chinese peeping Toms! I think I’d better

phone her and clear things up!

BRIAN:

I’m not sure that’ll work.

OLLIE:

And you can clear your desk, son! All that fantasy guff

can go straight in a cardboard box to your mum’s house

where it belongs!

SUNNY DAYS OFFICE

MIMI:

I know you are a good manager, Hannah. If sales calls

make you feel so crazy, you can always ask Thames

Trading to help for you.

HANNAH:

(SIGH) It’s not just the personal insults, Mimi. I

genuinly feel we should be aiming to work with actual

(MORE)

40.

HANNAH: (cont’d)professional people. Even if Ollie called me and

apologized I’m not sure I could-

FX: HANNAH’S PHONE RINGS

HANNAH:

(SIGH) Do you ever just want to pretend you don’t hear

it?

MIMI:

Oh yes, I often do this!

HANNAH:

What??

MIMI:

Oh no, I didn’t!

HANNAH:

Arr!

HANNAH GRABS THE PHONE

HANNAH:

Sunny Days what? (PAUSE) Um. (PAUSE) Ok. (PAUSE) I see.

(PAUSE) Yes. (PAUSE) Well, it’s interesting to hear you

call me and describe your problem because that is

certainly what it is: your problem.

OLLIE:

Don’t you wipe your hands of me, Hannah. I don’t come

off so easy. It’s you what found the supplier, passed

on the specs. Not to mention getting to play fancy

dress the whole day long while everyone else was doing

the real work. Typical woman. You just want to show up

and get the easy praise for looking nice but when

responsibility comes knocking you’re nowhere to be

found.

HANNAH:

Don’t care.

OLLIE:

Don’t care? This is legal responsibility we’re talking

about. Why do you think I put up with all your guff? On

the offchance you’ll one day upload a picture to

LinkedIn, like that’d kill you.

HANNAH:

Don’t care. You’re basically rehersing all of this for

your therapist as far as I’m concerned.

41.

OLLIE:

I’ll sue you, that’s what I’ll do!

HANNAH:

Sue me? How are you going to do that? I didn’t sign off

on the order. Where’s my name? My name. You should

learn what that really means! It’s Ms Ferguson, not

“Hannar", not ”sweet ’art", not "China dove". Trash. I

wouldn’t work with you again if you were the last

low-value chain trader in England!

OLLIE:

Work with you? You’re lucky I don’t come over there and

put you across my knee you cheeky tart. I’ll smack that

fat backside with a rolled up copy of our signed

contract till the ink comes off and tattoos my name on

your arse!

HANNAH:

You can’t come here you awful driveling jumped up

barrow boy. Every time you so much as look at a plane

you soil your britches and go running to the grimy

backstreets of the east end where you belong!

OLLIE:

That’s not what happened!

HANNAH:

It always happens! Spineless toad. You’re stuck like a

pig in a fluid mess of your own making you alcoholic...

filthy... divorced...

OLLIE:

No! Coz, I had my credit card turned down this time.

So, you’re not right 100% of the time like you think

you are, are you Ms Ferguson!

HANNAH:

(STUNNED SILENCE)

OLLIE:

In fact. You couldn’t lend us a few bob could you?

ANOTHER ROOM AT THAMES TRADING

BRIAN:

Not really. I think I’ve been fired!

MIMI:

Brian! But I thought you said MrMacavoy was so kind

hearted?

42.

BRIAN:

I might have exagerrated that point.

MIMI:

Maybe if you can sell Miss Hannah’s bandanas this will

prove to everyone how good you can working!

BRIAN:

Erg. That sounds difficult.

MIMI:

No! It is a high-class fashion product for the modern

woman! I took many many selfies today wearing it. Hehe!

BRIAN:

You really like them? Actually we did use to sell some

clothes in China Town, before customs and excise took

an interest.

MIMI:

Oh Brian! You will be my hero!

BRIAN:

Ha... me? I’m blushing. Ok I’ll look for contact

details. But... You think I can really do it?

MIMI:

I really think! You will be the wind beneath our wings!

BRIAN:

I’ll do my best! Bye bye Mimi!

MIMI:

Cheerio Brian (QUIETER) Brian!

BRIAN HANGS UP

BRIAN:

Wow, can you believe it?

BRIAN:

(heroic voice) The maiden has chosen you Brion, for she

knows you have both the wisdom and the guile to...

It’s... No, Look in the F Drive. Use your special power

to search for any item by date modified.

BRIAN:

(normal voice) Here we are. China Town models. Wow,

some of these girls are so pretty.

FX: BRIAN’S CHAIR CREAKS

43.

BRIAN:

Whoops! Don’t come a cropper... I wonder if Mimi looks

like that? Cor, look at that one. She’s about the right

age.

BRIAN:

(heroic voice) Brion, don’t even think about doing that

here in the office.

OLLIE IS IN A BETTING SHOP WITH LOTS OF BACKGROUND NOISE

OLLIE:

Yes, I hear you Harmony, but how would doing that help

my situation?

HARMONY:

Because this school will have a prom soon.

OLLIE:

Lovely.

HARMONY:

You know prom?

OLLIE:

Of course I know prom! It’s short for promenade. That’s

Latin for a fancy get together with... walking.

HARMONY:

En. And the girls, they need to wear special dresses.

OLLIE:

Ah-ha! I see in which direction your cunning oriental

mind is promenading, Harmony. But will they want to buy

dresses just for one party?

HARMONY:

It’s the school’s centennial. (PAUSE) That means-

OLLIE:

A hundred years, yes. I know French. You are aware of

the colour co- hiccup, presumably.

HARMONY:

We don’t have to hiccup about it. The school colour is

red.

OLLIE:

Oh. That’s a bit of luck.

HARMONY:

You know, in China, red is a symbol of good fortune

and-

44.

OLLIE:

Yes, I heard that. So how many pupils Harmony? The

target demographic sounds wonderful but these girls

schools are usually tiny aren’t they?

HARMONY:

More than 1,000.

OLLIE:

(BEAT) I would like to take back anything negative I

may have said about Sunny Day Procurement. It is a fine

company staffed only by true professionals.

HARMONY:

Good, then maybe you can do a favour for us. You see,

Miss Hannah...

FADE TO BRIAN’S BEDROOM

BRIAN TAPS NUMBERS INTO HIS PHONE: DEEP... DEEP

BRIAN:

You can do it Brian. How hard is a sales call? You’ve

heard Ollie do those a thousand times.

FX: BRIAN’S PHONE RINGS

BRIAN:

Agh! Jeepers. Hello?

OLLIE:

Good news Brian! It looks like I’ve solved your wedding

dress cock up. I’ve tentatively sold half that first

shipment already. I’ll probably cancel the rest though.

Mr Wang will be disappointed but even I find shifting

bright red wedding dresses in England a bit of a

challenge.

BRIAN:

Oh. That’s good.

OLLIE:

Well, it’s not bad is it? And, double whammy, I’ve only

gone and found someone who’ll take Hannah’s fuzzy chest

warmers haven’t I?

BRIAN:

What?

OLLIE:

Yeah, I noticed on the office computer a folder of

China Town contacts I must have left open. So... Speedy

Chan!

45.

BRIAN:

Who?

OLLIE:

The car dealer! He’s gonna dye those things pink and

sell them as steering wheel covers!

BRIAN:

How? When?

OLLIE:

As S as P. What time you planning on coming in

tomorrow? I need you to show up fairly smart as there’s

plenty to get on with.

BRIAN:

You mean I-

OLLIE:

Yers?

BRIAN:

Usual time I guess.

OLLIE:

Twenty minutes late? Alright, see you then.

FX: PHONE BEEP

BRIAN:

Well, there goes my plan to be a hero. I guess I might

as well close this- oh. New message from Mimi Zhao

(PAUSE) Oh Brian. You never saw my pic before. Hehe. I

am sending you a picture of me doing the modelling of

the... ban door? Oh, bandeau. Maybe it can give you

some good ideas.

DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM OF BRIAN’S HOUSE

BRIAN’S MUM’S FRIEND:

So your Brian’s doing well at work then?

BRIAN’S MUM:

Oh yes. He’s really enjoying it these days. Always

upstairs on his computer doing work emails.

A LOUD CRASH AND BUMP COME FROM ABOVE PLUS AN ’ARR’ AS BRIAN

FALLS OFF HIS CHAIR.

BRIAN’S MUM’S FRIEND:

Sounds like he’s really fallen for it.

46.

THEME TUNE

END OF SHOW