Mia Manavalan, Dictator http://my.hsj.org/chatterbox e Chatterbox Walnut Hills High School April 1, 2012 Volume CVI, Issue 7 Republican students remember that ‘It Gets Better’ Tanner Walters, ‘12 Dick Cheney As election season draws near, excitement becomes more visible among the student body. For some, however, this excitement is less positive. “Another election, another month of terror as I walk through the halls,” says junior Megan Kelly (names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons). Why the fear? Kelly is a Repub- lican student. As a Republican at Walnut Hills, she often feels shunned and harassed by students. “I can’t even wear my NO- bama pin without my locker getting vandalized!” she says. Last month, after making an Obama joke on her Facebook page, she found her locker covered in peace sign stickers. She isn’t the only one feeling the heat. Many upperclassmen can recall the election of 2008, when the administration had to announce over intercom that Republican students should not be ridiculed for their opinions. “It’s gone too far,” says another anonymous Republican student. In response to this hostility, the school administration will be implementing a mandatory anti- bullying workshop specifically targeted toward Democrat stu- dents who might feel the inclina- tion to bully Republicans. e workshops, similar to those held for the seventh and eighth graders, will bring in guest speakers to focus on positive communication between the two parties. “We’re really emphasizing the importance of polite language,” says Jim Gregson, one of the program’s speakers. “We like to tell students to avoid offensive words like ‘conservative’ or ‘Santorum supporter.’ We want to create a supportive environment.’” For further support, teens all over the country have begun a grassroots video campaign entitled “It Gets Better” to support those who feel targeted for their right- wing political beliefs. “You were born this way!” is one common mantra heard in the videos, which embrace free expres- sion and tolerance. “It can be hard for young white Republican males like me,” said junior David Limbaugh, who is currently involved in the project. “We’re being told by everyone that what we feel is wrong, that it’s unnatural. We want to send the message to struggling young Republicans that it’s not always like this. I guess we’ll really see the fruit of our efforts come Novem- ber. Mitt Romney 2012!” JP SCHMITZ/CHATTEROX Underclass tributes to be chosen for first “Younger Games” Katniss Heines and Peeta Schmitz, Victors A Whimsical Announcement from the SENIOR Class Many of you may remember the brutal underclass rebellions of 2011 which were so swiftly ex- tinguished by the SENIOR class. ose were dark days. e SE- NIOR class would like to remind all those of academic inferiority of the social structure in our glorious school -- a structure based upon seniority and experience. No doubt it may be among the aspira- tions of many of our youthful comrades to vie for the privileges and lifestyle of the seasoned upper class, but they must remember their place. We are not on top, the capitol, so to say, because we do not deserve it. e SENIOR class has worked hard, for six years, to create and maintain the delicate balance in our society; why would anyone want to upset that? e SENIOR class found these vicious uprisings to be in very poor taste, and down-right disrespectful. us, the grandiloquent SENIOR Council of Gamemakers is pleased to announce the first annual Younger Games. A magnificent competition, e Games will challenge the wits and test the fortitude of Walnut’s youth. Two Tributes, one female and one male, will be bestowed with the honor of representing their grade for a chance at eternal fame and glory. Only one will rise to the highest and emerge as victor. Generous donations from Walnut’s wonderful alumni have been pouring in in an effort to adapt our very own Robert S. Marx Stadium into a state-of-the- art combat arena, one of techno- logical splendor never before seen by man. roughout the arena we have placed a variety of obstacles which the Tributes must overcome if they wish to survive. Also, for the pleasure of our viewing audi- ence, we have installed a myriad of high-definition cameras and motion tracking equipment to capture every drop of sweat and heart beat of our competitors. e Tributes will be reaped in a formal celebration and selection ceremony in Blair circle. Every underclassman’s name, by default, is submitted once, doubling each year until the end of the eleventh grade. Many may worry that the stress of possibly being honored as a Tribute may detract from their academic performance; do not fear, the SENIOR Class is a benevolent ruling body. To coun- teract any fault in scholastic stand- ing, we humbly offer a remedy: gratiae, substantial extra credit, valid in any class. However, if one elects to succumb to the necessity of additional points, they will be honored with another submission of their name into the reaping pool. is will happen every time they opt to receive gratiae. “e Class of 2012 and the SENIOR Council are so proud to contribute to Walnut’s national reputation as a bastion of classical, secondary education,” exclaims our Head Gamemaker, Fran Newberry, “the up and coming achievers will undoubtedly value this extraordinary opportunity to instill their name within Walnut’s rich history.” It is difficult to express in words the privilege which we are entrusting to you: a chance to be immortalized as the valiant cham- pion. Happy Younger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor! Regards, e SENIOR Class Post Script: If you dare to disre- gard this important bulletin, you will regret it; we will find you. New entrance exam includes slacking, weightlifting Jonah Roth, ‘13 Crayon Enthusiast Walnut Hills High School has seen a number of adjustments to account for the ever-increasing student population--traveling and part-time teachers, as well as increased class sizes--but last week- end, the ILT announced a new method of thinning the herd. “e entrance exam,” testing consultant Balthazar Bavarian told the Chatterbox in an exclusive interview, looking stunned at his own brilliance. “e standards for entering a school as elite as Walnut Hills set the bar way too low. I mean, look at this!” He pulls out a transcript for one of Walnut’s 270 juniors. “Only five AP classes? A 3.8 unweighted GPA? Why is this person even at Walnut?” e new exam, Bavarian revealed, will be administered in three parts: First, “the basic cal- culus and Latin poetry skills that every qualified sixth grader should be able to handle. If they pass that, they move on to the slacker test--how good you are at quickly glancing at the paper on the desk next to you, how convincingly you can change the wording of a Wikipedia article.” Finally, if pro- spective students pass both of the other tests, they have the opportu- nity to undergo “a test of strength and endurance. It’s very simple. All you have to do is lift a two-ton weight and run seventeen miles uphill with it.” is is to assess if the student is prepared for the rigorous physical work involved in getting from class to class. Although some are vehemently opposed to such a test, others, like Student Congress President Dar- ren Wethington, say they think the test is a positive move toward finding quality Walnut Hills stu- dents: “People here are dumb. Of course, I could have passed that test, but most of Walnut doesn’t even know what an integral is. ey should just go to, I don’t know, Shelbyville or somewhere else instead where--wait, are you recording this?” A completely reliable anony- mous survey showed that although 99 percent of Walnut students could pass the new test, less than 4 percent are actually up to the standards of students that the administration is looking for with the new test. “I can say whatever I want in this interview,” said one sophomore. “I smoke and I cheat in class, and I know you’ll print this because it’s anonymous and controversial.” “It’s something we’ve been looking at for a while,” Bavarian says. “We’ve tried various ways of bringing down student popula- tions before, like introducing Time to Speak and Economics requirements, and driving up difficulty levels of classes like Pre- calculus and Chemistry, but the best way to keep out the unworthy is just to stop the problem before it starts.” JESSICA FAN/CHATTERBOX Workout rooms will be made available for students who wish to prepare for the new exam. Stationary bike racing is the new fad sweeping the nation. Walnut Hills is one of the first few schools in the state to adopt stationary racing as a sport. Chat- terbox talked to Junior Harley Chatch “Sometimes being on the team can be a challenge. It seems like people are always ahead of me.” Last week three Eagles placed in the top five during their meet at Aiken’s weight room. e rules of stationary racing are simple: first one to cross the finish line wins. Unlike spinning, there is a finish line. And because there is a finish line, there is always at least one winner. Stationary Bike Racing Joe Schmidlapp ‘14 Chatterbox Minion
Transcript
Mia Manavalan, Dictatorhttp://my.hsj.org/chatterbox The Chatterbox
Walnut Hills High SchoolApril 1, 2012 Volume CVI, Issue 7
Republican students remember that ‘It Gets Better’Tanner Walters, ‘12Dick Cheney
As election season draws near, excitement becomes more visible among the student body. For some, however, this excitement is less positive. “Another election, another month of terror as I walk through the halls,” says junior Megan Kelly (names in this article have been changed for privacy reasons). Why the fear? Kelly is a Repub-lican student. As a Republican at Walnut Hills, she often feels shunned and harassed by students. “I can’t even wear my NO-bama pin without my locker getting vandalized!” she says. Last month, after making an Obama joke on her Facebook page, she found her locker covered in peace sign stickers. She isn’t the only one feeling the heat. Many upperclassmen can recall the election of 2008, when the administration had to announce over intercom that Republican students should not be ridiculed for their opinions. “It’s gone too far,” says another anonymous Republican student. In response to this hostility, the school administration will be implementing a mandatory anti-bullying workshop specifically
targeted toward Democrat stu-dents who might feel the inclina-tion to bully Republicans. The workshops, similar to those held for the seventh and eighth graders, will bring in guest speakers to focus on positive communication between the two parties. “We’re really emphasizing the importance of polite language,” says Jim Gregson, one of the program’s speakers. “We like to tell students to avoid offensive words like ‘conservative’ or ‘Santorum supporter.’ We want to create a supportive environment.’” For further support, teens all over the country have begun a grassroots video campaign entitled “It Gets Better” to support those who feel targeted for their right-wing political beliefs. “You were born this way!” is one common mantra heard in the videos, which embrace free expres-sion and tolerance. “It can be hard for young white Republican males like me,” said junior David Limbaugh, who is currently involved in the project. “We’re being told by everyone that what we feel is wrong, that it’s unnatural. We want to send the message to struggling young Republicans that it’s not always like this. I guess we’ll really see the fruit of our efforts come Novem-ber. Mitt Romney 2012!”
JP SCHMITZ/CHATTEROX
Underclass tributes to be chosen for first “Younger Games”
Katniss Heines and Peeta Schmitz,Victors
A Whimsical Announcement from the SENIOR Class
Many of you may remember the brutal underclass rebellions of 2011 which were so swiftly ex-tinguished by the SENIOR class. Those were dark days. The SE-NIOR class would like to remind all those of academic inferiority of the social structure in our glorious
school -- a structure based upon seniority and experience. No doubt it may be among the aspira-tions of many of our youthful comrades to vie for the privileges and lifestyle of the seasoned upper class, but they must remember their place. We are not on top, the capitol, so to say, because we do not deserve it. The SENIOR class has worked hard, for six years, to create and maintain the delicate balance in our society; why would anyone want to upset that? The
SENIOR class found these vicious uprisings to be in very poor taste, and down-right disrespectful. Thus, the grandiloquent SENIOR Council of Gamemakers is pleased to announce the first annual Younger Games. A magnificent competition, The Games will challenge the wits and test the fortitude of Walnut’s youth. Two Tributes, one female and one male, will be bestowed with the honor of representing their grade for a chance at eternal fame and glory. Only one will rise to the highest and emerge as victor. Generous donations from Walnut’s wonderful alumni have been pouring in in an effort to adapt our very own Robert S. Marx Stadium into a state-of-the-art combat arena, one of techno-logical splendor never before seen by man. Throughout the arena we have placed a variety of obstacles which the Tributes must overcome if they wish to survive. Also, for the pleasure of our viewing audi-ence, we have installed a myriad of high-definition cameras and motion tracking equipment to capture every drop of sweat and heart beat of our competitors.
The Tributes will be reaped in a formal celebration and selection ceremony in Blair circle. Every underclassman’s name, by default, is submitted once, doubling each year until the end of the eleventh grade. Many may worry that the stress of possibly being honored as a Tribute may detract from their academic performance; do not fear, the SENIOR Class is a benevolent ruling body. To coun-teract any fault in scholastic stand-ing, we humbly offer a remedy: gratiae, substantial extra credit, valid in any class. However, if one elects to succumb to the necessity of additional points, they will be honored with another submission of their name into the reaping pool. This will happen every time they opt to receive gratiae. “The Class of 2012 and the SENIOR Council are so proud to contribute to Walnut’s national reputation as a bastion of classical, secondary education,” exclaims our Head Gamemaker, Fran Newberry, “the up and coming achievers will undoubtedly value this extraordinary opportunity to instill their name within Walnut’s rich history.” It is difficult to express in
words the privilege which we are entrusting to you: a chance to be immortalized as the valiant cham-pion. Happy Younger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor! Regards, The SENIOR Class Post Script: If you dare to disre-gard this important bulletin, you will regret it; we will find you.
New entrance exam includes slacking, weightlifting
Jonah Roth, ‘13Crayon Enthusiast
Walnut Hills High School has seen a number of adjustments to account for the ever-increasing student population--traveling and part-time teachers, as well as increased class sizes--but last week-end, the ILT announced a new method of thinning the herd. “The entrance exam,” testing consultant Balthazar Bavarian told the Chatterbox in an exclusive interview, looking stunned at his own brilliance. “The standards for entering a school as elite as Walnut Hills set the bar way too low. I mean, look at this!” He pulls out a transcript for one of Walnut’s 270 juniors. “Only five AP classes? A 3.8 unweighted GPA? Why is this
person even at Walnut?” The new exam, Bavarian revealed, will be administered in three parts: First, “the basic cal-culus and Latin poetry skills that every qualified sixth grader should be able to handle. If they pass that, they move on to the slacker test--how good you are at quickly glancing at the paper on the desk next to you, how convincingly you can change the wording of a Wikipedia article.” Finally, if pro-spective students pass both of the other tests, they have the opportu-nity to undergo “a test of strength and endurance. It’s very simple. All you have to do is lift a two-ton weight and run seventeen miles uphill with it.” This is to assess if the student is prepared for the rigorous physical work involved in
getting from class to class. Although some are vehemently opposed to such a test, others, like Student Congress President Dar-ren Wethington, say they think the test is a positive move toward finding quality Walnut Hills stu-dents: “People here are dumb. Of course, I could have passed that test, but most of Walnut doesn’t even know what an integral is. They should just go to, I don’t know, Shelbyville or somewhere else instead where--wait, are you recording this?” A completely reliable anony-mous survey showed that although 99 percent of Walnut students could pass the new test, less than 4 percent are actually up to the standards of students that the administration is looking for with the new test. “I can say whatever I want in this interview,” said one sophomore. “I smoke and I cheat in class, and I know you’ll print this because it’s anonymous and controversial.” “It’s something we’ve been looking at for a while,” Bavarian says. “We’ve tried various ways of bringing down student popula-tions before, like introducing Time to Speak and Economics requirements, and driving up difficulty levels of classes like Pre-calculus and Chemistry, but the best way to keep out the unworthy is just to stop the problem before it starts.”
JESSICA FAN/CHATTERBOX Workout rooms will be made available for students who wish to prepare for the new exam.
Stationary bike racing is the new fad sweeping the nation. Walnut Hills is one of the first few schools in the state to adopt stationary racing as a sport. Chat-terbox talked to Junior Harley Chatch “Sometimes being on the team can be a challenge. It seems like people are always ahead of me.” Last week three Eagles placed in the top five during their meet at Aiken’s weight room. The rules of stationary racing are simple: first one to cross the finish line wins. Unlike spinning, there is a finish line. And because there is a finish line, there is always at least one winner.
Stationary Bike Racing
Joe Schmidlapp ‘14Chatterbox Minion
Page -2.718 The Flibbertigibbet
Tanner Walters, Dick CheneyWalnut Hills High School Issue CVI.7
CalendarApril 2012
Who needs to be controlled by a calendar? Go make
your own decisions! Be your own person! Show them
you’re more than just a piece of the system, more than just a tool in their games.
Since the world is ending on December 21, 2012, there
really is no need to organize your time in a manageable
way.
Just go out, and do some crazy stuff.
Good night, and good luck.
A Bunch of Arrogant Punks
Online Features and
SurveysLorem ipsum dolor sit amet,
consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi sed dolor et magna condimentum
dictum vitae sit amet lorem. In ullamcorper, purus id placerat
volutpat, eros diam luctus neque, vitae facilisis nibh odio at magna.
Nullam fermentum libero ut lectus ultricies tempor. Pellen-tesque metus urna, eleifend ac
mollis eget, cursus vitae mauris. Aenean porta massa eu est egestas
molestie.
Links to all this and more are available online at
<http://my.hsj.org/chatterbox>
Mia Manavalan, DictatorTanner Walters, Dick Cheney Emily Friedman, UnderstudyAyana Rowe, Grammar Nazi Jonah Roth, Crayon EnthusiastKemarca Wade,[anyone know what she does?] John Butler, Resident Chill DudeLuke Kloth, Facebook Stalker Signe Schloss, Airbrush ExpertGarretson Oester, Attorney General Akilah Phillips, Envelope LickerDominick Clark, Complaint Manager Cody Stayden, Grave Digger
Page Editors:Josh Medrano, CNN.com Reader Sean Wood, Video Game ExpertJessie Heines, Loudmouth Sierra Kingston, Comment TrollJenna Weber, Tweetin’ Up a Storm Amanda Dias, Likes Pretty ThingsJoe Neidhard, Compulsive Shopper Hannah Shaw, Fluent in SassCharlie Hatch, Slam Dunk JP Schmitz, Not LazyJaylen Hill, Just Uses Wikipedia Jessica Fan, Nut Extraordinaire
Looking the other way: Samantha Gerwe-Perkins and Dawn Wolfe
Front page masthead by Jackie Tobias.Illustration by Sarah Davidoff.
Cat coverup confounds C
hatterboxG
arretson Oester, ‘14
Attorney General
The infestation of the m
odular struc-tures w
ith cats should be of no surprise to students in AP C
hemistry this year. Th
e class has been taken in a new
direction by the instructors. It now
has a more
organic focus. The first section of the
class discussed how chem
icals can affect the brain chem
istry of mam
mals. Th
e experim
ents began with lab rats w
hich w
ere stored in a closet on the third floor next to M
r. Lazar’s room. Th
e rats began to display unnatural habits, such as cluck-ing like chickens and the developm
ent of reddish-pink fur. Th
is was attributed
to the magenta colored C
obalt chloride hexahydrate com
pound used. The rats
soon passed away and w
ere clandestinely disposed of in construction w
aste. Th
e class moved on to cats, specifi-
cally to sphinx cats, the hairless kind. D
uring the dark of night, on Novem
ber 3, tw
elve mem
bers of the group used collars to capture tw
o stray cats outside of an oleochem
icals plant straddling the M
ill Creek. Th
ey were kept in a secret
compartm
ent cut into the side of the new
breakfast vending machines. For one
month the class continued their injection
of chemicals. Th
is led to the cats gaining
superfeline strength and their ability to see in the infrared spectrum
. H
owever, m
alicious students, who
were m
embers of the Enterprise for
the Vitriolic Im
itation of Lowly Scum
, (EV
ILS) discovered the plot. In a rescue, the group freed the cats and their new
kittens to “raise our ow
n army of cats to
dominate the G
reater Cincinnati W
ater W
orks and flood downtow
n,” according to m
ember N
athan Katkin, ‘14. As the
escape was occurring, the anim
als leaped from
the van as it was speeding from
the construction zone on Sulsar Ave. Th
e creatures, according to security cam
era footage, left the road and ventured to the m
ods. There, the felines took up resi-
dence. W
hen the Administration discovered
the gaffe, Principal Jeffery Brokamp
called an emergency ILT
meeting to
discuss how to discipline EV
ILS and the possible consequences. Th
e minutes
show ideas ranged from
creation of a new
species to legal action filed against the school. Th
e cover up continued for approxi-m
ately four months, until the m
inutes of the em
ergency ILT m
eeting were passed
to the entire faculty in an email faux-pas.
Hastily, the adm
inistration contacted teachers, directing them
to not discuss
the results of the meeting w
ith anyone. In January, the AP Biology class w
as tasked w
ith determining the true nature of the
feline’s powers. Th
ey discovered that the cats not only had infrared vision and su-perfeline strength, but that they also had extrem
ely high metabolism
s leading to high defecation rates--hence the pungent odor throughout the m
ods. This cover
up continued until a confidential source passed the ILT
minutes to the C
hatter-box. As a source of new
s, we determ
ined it w
as necessary to share with the general
public.It w
as decided that the best option for all involved w
as to contain the treat by erecting fences, hence the appearance of a ten foot chain linked fence. Th
is develop-m
ent was questioned by students w
ho w
ere told its purpose was to protect lives
and property. How
ever, many w
ere still perplexed, as the staircase to the Senior Parking Lot cannot be blocked off. M
any, especially teachers began to notice the cats. Th
ey had started to reproduce, soon creating an overw
helming num
ber. They
turned the rocks into a litterbox and the retention pond into a drinking fountain. Th
e positive side was the elim
ination of the rats. Th
e cats still roam the school.
Walnut Hills should win an award for being the most bor-ing school in the world. The Chatterbox staff has worked all year to create drama by writing about spicy topics, like sex, drugs and rock & roll. Journalism is more than just about delivering unbiased news. It’s about drama, drama, drama. Unfortunately, we have yet to face any lawsuits or even the obnoxiously angry par-ent, and quite frankly, it’s disap-pointing. We had one angry letter from an 8th grader. Really, guys? That’s all you’ve got? The SENIOR class wants to end the year with a bang, and so far, it looks like there’s no hope. Don’t you remember the days of student walk-outs and politi-
cal protests on campus? The giant cougar in the middle of Blair Circle? We remember those days... and we miss them. There’s less than a quarter left of the school year and all we want to do is stir some controversy. In the wise words of Ke$ha, “Don’t stop- make it pop.” Oh, yeah-TWENTY TWELVE!!!
Sincerely,Mia Manavanalananan and Taylor Tanner Walters
Jude Law & Wife
As an undercover cop in the Walnut Hills, I have noticed a remarkable trend that separates students at this high school from every other inferior high schools in the tri-state, duo-state, octo-state and enneacosioi-state. Walnut Hills goers have a natural gift for ignoring the Wild Mongolian Ducks running around in the hallways. As Joshua Mansfield, ‘12, cleverly stated, “I can’t really talk to them because I would need to burn my pants.” I only really began to notice them while I was in the bathroom. They would just flop around like legless cats next to toilets, their claws billowing in the bathroom essence. Their facial expression hinting at the proud. The admin-istration decided at one point to serve them for free breakfast ex-cept the consistency of their body was like that of an unappealing mollusk. Whenever the adminis-tration would try to catch a Wild
Mongolian Duck, it would just flop away...like a legless cat. In a wild impulse, I decided to wash all of the ducks with Dawn soap to test their claims of de-fouling fowl efficiency. In a frenzied fury, I fought with a fur-rowed fuming frown to scrub their leg hairs with soap. Ducks don’t have leg hairs. I have also noticed that these ducks are uglier than your average human. They have upside down faces tacked onto their faces. I was concerned to see how others thought of the ducks, and the responses that I received were: • “What Wild Mongolian Ducks?” • “Who are you?” • “Please stop touching my baked yam.” • “Who are you?” • “What are ducks?” I have stolen a Wild Mongo-lian Duck upon departure but as I try to write this article, it just keeps flopping around everywhere and is so ugly.
State of the Union Address
Wild Ducks overtake the Hill
The articles in this issue are not fact-based and are published for entertaining, satirical purposes only, as is the tradition of
this publication on this most esteemed holiday.
The Windbag Page 3,207,693,284
Emily Friedman, UnderstudyWalnut Hills High School Issue CVI.7
This coupon is valid for $40 off any prom tuxedo rental.Offer valid on 2012 prom tuxedo rental. Not valid with other offers.Expires 06/01/12.
Thank you for your business!
Scan this QR code with your smart phone.
THE SERVICE... THE QUALITY...
Serving Cincinnati for over 40 years!
513.921.2400 | www.tuxcoupon.com
Thrifting nowsocially acceptableHannah Shaw, ‘14Fluent in Sass
Thrifting, which was once reserved for poor college students and penny pinching mothers, has become a trend among some of the hippest of Walnut Hills stu-dents. Now, adolescents who were once forced to hide their thrifted clothes by lying and saying they’re from Forever 21 or some boutique you wouldn’t know, can flaunt their secondhand threads. To be even more fashionable, some students display expensive name brand clothes designed to look like they were first put through a paper shredder, splattered in paint or purchased at a vintage cloth-ing store. In reality, these items of clothing were really bought at a horribly over priced store in the mall and are very low quality. Whether you prefer fuax vintage or you’re a Goodwill junkie the thrifting game has been taken up a notch. The Chatterbox has recently become aware of a new uprising trend of “dumpster chic.” Students have reported seeing fellow peers flaunting coffee filter skirts and trash bag blouses. A student following the new trend claims, “It’s so important to
recycle now a days, and vintage clothes are the cutest so I just combine the two by creating out-fits from my recycling bin!” In hearing about this new fad, sanitation issues may come to mind. Fashonista Jenna Weber comments, “We wear recycled cotton, why not wear recycled used paper towels. It’s so green, dumpster thrifting will be the next big thing.” Resident fashion complainer Joe Neidhard, ‘12, is joining in on the trash trend. He says “I’m totally fine with the trend, so long as your ketchup stains match your shoes,” The fashion of Walnut is constantly changing and with the open mindedness of the stu-dent body the trends are usually welcomed with open arms, but this time it may be welcomed with a fresh can of lysol. As for what comes next on the green fashion front is unknown. Perhaps recycled loincloths? As quickly as the trashy trend has risen it may fade just as quickly as it came. As Heidi Klum says “In fashion one day you’re in, and the next you’re out.”
Signe Schloss, ‘12Airbrush Expert
Many of you have probably noticed the new kid at school. He’s in your English classes, he’s in your gym lockers and he’s in your pea soup. Clocking in at a cool 5’9”, he stands out not only for his wrestler physique and high-level skills, but for his advanced age. While Steve Buscemi could easily pass for a college freshman, and although he exists outside of time, some students have noted that he looks a little too old to be even a Walnut student. “Is he an undercover cop?” asked a shifty preteen as he hid
a vial of orange juice under his crushed velvet zoot suit. “Does this have to do with the ducks?” asked Josh Mansfield, amateur geologist and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire. I’m not a doctor, but I can say with 30% certainty that Mr. Bus-cemi is one angle, arcsin .6946, of a love triangle with two unnamed adults. They allegedly jumped at this opportunity for acceptance to make up for their lifelong lack of having a name. It’s unnatural; it’s a 370 degree triangle. 370° Fahren-heit of pure intrigue. One thing that is natural is Steve’s aversion to carpeting, especially rugs that really tied
ABACA, SIGNE SCHLOSS/CHATTERBOXThe new student, casually leaning against a column.
Student Spotlight: Steve Buscemi
the room together. Thus, he has become an autodidact with regards to the nuances of the linoleum industry. Buying, selling, various finishing sheens – call him up on the next rainy Sunday and you’ll be treated to the wonders of this human catalogue. Steve is a man of many colors, namely periwinkle and green, and can often be found outside Mod B gazing wistfully into the altiverse of what could have been. Full disclosure: I was coerced into writing this by a swift abduc-tion and hastily whispered threats. If there’s anyone out there, please. Help.
It’s watching you...
[Creepysheep]Page 4i The Scandalmonger
Jonah Roth, Crayon EnthusiastWalnut Hills High School Volume CVI.7
Something witty about the rain...
Emily Friedman, ‘13Understudy
With the new construction, and the incessant rainstorms Cincinnati has become known for, Walnut students have become accustomed to walking bell to bell in the thick of it. Many are smart enough to bring umbrellas or raincoats, and a few of the more outgoing may even wear ponchos. But those who have their minds on other things at 6 AM may forget to bring an umbrella. The administration has become aware of this, after several complaints by teachers who claim that many of their students are walking into class dripping wet. Many parents have called in saying that the long rainy walks to the mods and back have caused their children to contract cold after cold, with some cases displaying even worse symptoms like fevers or the flu. Students have also had their say, complaining that it’s hard to focus on class when their dripping with rainwater. Unable to ignore the situation any longer, the administration has announced that the “Rain Regime” will be enacted im-
mediately. The Alumni Founda-tion and several generous parent donors have agreed to allocate two thousand dollars to help “dry the school,” and keep students healthi-er. Large fans resembling the snow blowers at Perfect North will be installed on the walkways between the mods to avoid puddles that become hazardous. Large tarp curtains will be spread down the Sulsar walkway. Umbrellas will be available at several locations to aid the more forgetful students. But for some, this still was not enough. And at a recent meeting a particularly clever parent sug-gested that a number of “drying stations” be created to aid students who were unable to purchase umbrellas, or who had to take a wetter route to the mods. These stations will be located in every mod, in the arcade, lunchroom and main hallway. There, students will be able to obtain hot towels, a change of socks, or sponge to help dry them off before class. There will also be a series of hair drying machines, which will take change and quickly dry the hair of any student willing to pay. Even more, the makeshift “bridge” that once spanned the
mud river by the mods will be traded for a permanent rubber bridge and a series of gutters that will collect the water runoff and store it in a new purification tank located behind Mod D. Similar gutters will also be placed along the sides of the tarp covers and connect to the same system. The water collected will be purified for use in the mod drinking fountains and sinks. The administration hopes that a combination of these drying ef-forts will help students to stay not only healthy, but more focused and happy in classes, while also saving water and contributing to a greener school.
TANNER WALTERS/CHATTERBOX
Joe Neidhard, ‘12Compulsive Shopper
Ok, so over the past year or so I’ve noticed this rising trend of people posting pictures on Facebook with a cigarette in hand. Intrigued, I looked into this, and found that some people’s posing was more effective than others. Sure, there were the few who looked all kinds of rebellious and hard-core, but most just looked like they were trying too hard. I decided to analyze the photos for what people’s techniques were, and came up with this set of guidelines for taking adequate pictures with your cig in hand: 1. Remember, YOU. ARE. AWESOME. That’s why you’re taking these awesome pictures, to show that you are so nonconform-ist and rebellious that you went down the totally original and unique route that only 60 million other Americans have already tried and become heavily addicted to. 2. Make sure that your cig is resting gently between the last knuckles of your index and middle finger. Otherwise you risk
looking timid and showing that you don’t actually feel comfortable with one in your hand. 3. Be sure that your face ex-udes the proper amount of not-caring. Because you don’t care. It’s about making sure that the world knows that you value looking cool in high school more than not having to deal with lack of breath, nicotine dependency, heart disease, lung cancer, impotence or generally smelling like an ashtray. 4. Don’t overdo it with your environment. You are already shocking your parents enough with these pictures. Adding more stupidly dangerous activities like taking a photo of yourself while driving or walking on a railroad bridge is just overkill. 5. Shower. And use a lot of cologne/perfume. Act like no one notices. But, seriously, you smell. Yes, we notice it. So there you have it. All you need to know to make sure that your next set of Pall Mall-pics look just as bad as you’d hope them to be the next time you’re out pretending to enjoy smoking for social reasons.
How to look cool while smoking
Renovation to Include Moon BaseChar Daston, ‘13 Chatterbox Minion
According to Walnut Hills renovation expert Garret Oester, the so-called “grandiose” plan of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich to build a base on the moon is actually based on a formerly-secret project just leaked from top-secret Walnut Hills administra-tion files. According to the plans, the currently fenced-
off area that now contains a mountain of dirt and part-time lake is scheduled to become a launch pad by the year 2015. While the administra-tion certainly took into ac-count the wealth of student research opportunities that would come with such a project, the leaked files state that the main reasoning for the moon base is the fact that “this is SO much cooler
than anything at the new SCPA.” In other renovation-re-lated news, a very generous grant from an anonymous contributor has allowed painters to add inspirational quotes to the walls of bath-rooms. Look for such wise words as “no job is finished until the paperwork’s done” and “if at first you don’t succeed try, try again” when you visit the new lavatories.
In CharacterFact:The Chatterbox staff is competent. Three SENIORS go for a hunt in the park. (fig. 1-3)
