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Choosing a real honey
Instead of gettingstuck with a lemon
b y K E L L I E W A L K E R
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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
INTRODUCTION 3
STEP 1 5
List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught Dead In and It Depends
STEP 2 7
What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?
STEP 3 9
Organizing Your Garage
STEP 4 11
A Good Visor Mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)
STEP 5 13
The Road Less-Traveled
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Introduction: In many ways, dating is like car shopping. For those who know whatthey want, how much they are willing to invest (before and after acquisition) and what value
they expect to get for their investment, it can be a lot of fun. For those who have not
thought through their requirements, it can be exhausting and discouraging.
If you fall into the second category and are tired of dating lemons, lets increase the oddsthat you can get behind the wheel of a real honey.
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
My mom rocks at car shopping. Before she even sets foot into a dealership
she knows exactly what shes looking for: make and model, safety rating,
feature, and exactly how much shes willing to spend. I pity the fool who
thinks they can take her for a ride. Salesmen have literally chased her as
she walked out of a dealership. By educating herself on the options and
figuring out what she wanted BEFORE she goes shopping, she has a lot of
control over the outcome. She knows that. With knowledge comes
confidence. Her confidence makes the experience more enjoyable. And,
shes always very happy with her car of choice. Theyre reliable,
dependable, inexpensive to maintain, rugged and durable.
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Step 1: List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught Dead In, and It Depends
Step 2: What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?
Step 3: Organizing your garage
Step 4: A good visor mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)
Step 5: The road less-traveled
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Step 1: List features - Must Haves, Wouldnt Be Caught DeadIn, and It Depends
If youre old enough to be looking for
a life partner, youre old enough to
have developed a sense of what kindof car you prefer to drive.
Thought Experiment #1a:
Following the thought experiment
outlined on this page, think about the
features your ideal car would or would
not have. Use the first index card on the
next page to capture your thoughts.
Refer to the list of features on Page 16 if you
get stuck for ideas and need help getting
started.
Thought Experiment #1b:Apply a similar thought experiment to
your ideal dating partner. Think about thetraits your ideal partner would or would
not have. Use the second index card on
the next page to capture your thoughts.
Refer to the list of dating partner traits on
Pages 17-20 if you get stuck for ideas and
need a bit of help getting started.
Thought ExperimentYou have unexpectedly inherited$40,000 with the condition that youuse the money to buy a car. Beforeheading out to the dealership or theirwebsite, make a list of features yourideal car would or would not have.
?
Ideal features:
Good safety rating
Reliable
Silver with gray interior
Less than 50,000 miles
Clean CarFax report
Not interested in:
Convertible
Mercedes
Brand new car
Anything larger than a Honda Accord
Hatchback
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Your ideal partner traits:
Your ideal car features:
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Step 2: What do you mean my station wagon isnt sporty?
People can use the same word and mean wildly diferent things. For example, continuing
with our automobile metaphor, a sports car can mean anything from a cute convertible to
a sleek Italian exotic to a classic muscle car.
Thought Experiment #2:Following the thought experiment
outlined on this page, take a look at the
traits you listed for your ideal partner. For
each feature you listed, ask yourself,
What did I mean by that? If the feature is
self-explanatory, you are done with it. If,
like the term romantic, the trait could
use a bit more clarity, write out specific
examples of behavior that would help you
clearly illustrate what you are looking for.
Thought ExperimentFor each trait on your IDeal DatingPartner list, ask yourself, What doesthat mean to me?
?
Years ago, a friend complained that her boyfriend wasnt romantic. He
never bought her flowers, never surprised her with gifts, never got her
romantic cards, etc. In that same conversation she said hed taken her car
in for an oil change, checked the tires, put air in the tires, and changed her
windshield wipers. Then, she told me that he bought her a pair of boots
that she admired. He not only remembered the name of the store, he
remembered which boots she wanted, AND knew her shoe size. I dont
know about you, but I considered all of that EXTREMELY romantic. She
didnt. She wanted the flowers, the candy and the cards. Theres nothing
wrong with what she wanted. In fact, it was perfectly fine. My point is, she
had a specific notion in mind when she said, romantic.
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Use the trait diagrams on Page 22 to capture your thoughts regarding each trait. You
may want to photo copy Page 22 so you have enough diagrams.
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Step 3: Organize your garage
For many of us, what we like and dont
like is measurable in a matter of
degrees. Even positive traits can be
taken to extremes. For example, youmay want a partner who is generous,
but not so generous that they are always
living paycheck to paycheck.
Thought Experiment #3:Following the thought experiment
outlined on this page, take a look at the
traits you listed for your ideal partner. Listeach trait in the table on Page 10. Use the following rating scale to help describe how
often you would want to see/experience each trait.
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
F R E Q U E N C Y S C O R E
In Private Only 1 - 2
Daily 3 - 4
In Public 5 - 6
Special Occasions 7 - 8
Very Rarely, If Ever 9 - 10
Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits. Askyourself how often you want to see /experience each trait - Daily? Onspecial occasions only? etc.
?
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2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
T r a i t S C O R E F r e q u e n c y
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Step 4: A good visor mirror (aka Honesty & Self-Awareness)
If you take nothing else from this workbook, I hope you take this piece of advice. Be honest
- completely honest. I am not talking about the Kitty-Kelley-Tell-All kind of honesty. I am
talking about being honest with yourself- about what you want in a partner and about
what you do not want in a partner.
This entire process is about what you want.
What were talking about in this workbook is a
matter of taste. Your friends and family do not
get to decide if you prefer pick up trucks over
SUVs. Similarly, they dont get to decide if you
prefer blondes over brunettes. Since this
process is about defining what you want, no
one else need ever see your list of traits. This
is all about you, all for you.
Dont worry about whether
or not it sounds shallow
that you want a partner
who makes more money
than you do. If thats a truerequirement for you, be honest
about it. Dont date people who
make half of what you make
just to prove to yourself that
youre not shallow.
1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
I worked with a woman who unabashedly
noted that if she had to do it all over again,
she would only date really wealthy men.
When chastised by colleagues who told her
she was being shallow, she responded that
she was merely being honest. Her favorite
comeback line was, Rich men need love,
too!
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The more self aware you are and the more honest you are, the better and more successful
your dating experiences will be. And, youll be much less likely to fall in love with someone
whom you could never bring yourself to marry.
Thought Experiment #4:With that in mind, revisit the first thought experiment and see if there is anything you
would move from one category to another. Did you list any Must Haves that are really It
Depends or Would Not Be Caught Dead In? Or, vice versa? Did you leave anything ofany
of your lists?
1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits.?
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Step 5: The road less traveled
Thought Experiment #5a:
Following the thought experiment outlined on this page, review the latest version of your
list of traits. Ask yourself it there are traits youd be willing to live with or without if theperson was perfect in every other way. The point of this exercise is to determine under
what circumstances you would be willing to go beyond your normal boundaries while still
staying true to yourself.
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Thought ExperimentReview the latest version of your list
of traits. As yourself, Why? Whyyou do or do not want each particulartrait.
?
When I go car shopping, I avoid white cars. I dont look at the features, the
price or the mileage. I dont take them for test drives. I never thought my
behavior was odd in any way until a salesperson asked me, Why? Without
hesitating, I explained that I did not get along with my ex-mother-in-law
and she exclusively drove white cars. In hindsight, I recognize that I have
probably overlooked some really great cars simply because I did not want
to be reminded of or associated with my ex-mother-in-law.
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Thought Experiment #5b:
What would you have to do diferently to put yourself in the path of potential dating
partners who do not, on the surface, appear to be your type?
Following the thought experiment outlined on this page, review the latest versionof your list of traits. Make a list of
activities and locations that would likely
put you in the path of people you would
like to meet.
Get a copy of Time Out or your citys
equivalent. Look through event listings.
Choose a category you dont normally
attend. Select one event per month and
go.
The list below may give you some inspiration for possible activities.
1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Thought ExperimentReview your list of traits and thinkabout activities / topics you areinterested in. Ask yourself, Where amI likely to meet someone with the
traits I want?
?
Comedy show
Dog park
Art show
Museum
Book signing
Library
Cofee shop
Poetry reading
Race - cycling, running, etc.
Church, synagog, mosque
Charity ball/auction
Pottery class
Painting class
Photography class
Dance class
Political campaign
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Dating/activity websites:
If you cant find a club or group in your city that interests you, start one! Websites like
www.meetup.com make it easier than ever to find people with similar interests.
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C
1D A T I N G
www.timeout.com
www.top10bestdatingsites.com
www.active.com
www.meetup.com
www.itsjustlunch.com
www.8at8.com
Google in
cycling
running
writing
theater
singing
tennis
softball
hiking
dancing
pottery
Volunteer work
http://www.itsjustlunch.com/http://www.itsjustlunch.com/http://www.top10bestdatingsites.co/http://www.top10bestdatingsites.co/http://www.timeout.com/http://www.timeout.com/http://www.meetup.com/http://www.meetup.com/7/27/2019 Dating eBook v10
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Vehicle Traits:
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
1
Make
Model
Mileage
Body style
New / Used
Color - Interior / Exterior
Engine size
Suspension package
Wheel package
Safety rating
Year
Reliability rating
Interior
Automatic vs. manual
Anti-theft protection
Airbags
Audio system
Power steering
Power windows
Keyless entry
Lumbar support
Leather seats
Heated seats
Cup holders
Built-in GPS
Rearview camera
Bluetooth functions
iPod compatibility
etc.
etc.
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Dating Partner Traits:
2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C
1D A T I N G
Habits:
Smoker? Frequency?
Drinker? Frequency?
Physical:
Age range
Height range
Body type
Exercise:
Type
gym
triathlons
running
cycling
hiking
Culture:
Ethnicity
Religion
Languages
Family:
Marital status
Have/want kids
Parents still married?
Both parents still living?
Siblings
Number
Relationship with
Birth order
Nature of relationship with family
Have/want pets
Geography:
Location
Willing to/interested in moving?
Able to/interested in travel?
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Dating Partner Traits (contd):
1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Personality:
Respectful
Reliable
Consistent
Attentive
Protective
I like who I am when with
Gregarious
Outspoken
Introvert/extrovert
Perceptive
Judgmental
Good with kids
Good with animals
Financial behavior:
Job Status
self-employed
unemployed
Income range
Spending style
Saving style
Food:
Vegan
Vegetarian
Meant n potatoes
Mostly eat out
Can cook
Junk food
Eating habits/mannerisms
Willing to/interested in moving?
Education:
G.E.D.
High school
Bachelors
Masters
PhD
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Dating Partner Traits (contd):
1 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Interests/Hobbies:
Indoor
Outdoor
Work:
Schedule
Workaholic
8 to 5
Flexible
Attitude toward:
Company
Industry
Boss
Co-workers
Clients
Appearance:
Style & type of clothes
Style & type of hair
Living Arrangements:
Roommate(s)
With parents/family?
Near parents/family?
Intelligence:
Academic
Scientific
Emotional
Common sense
Kinetic/physical
Artistic
Current events
Humor:
Witty
Physical
Sarcastic
Goofy
Slap stick
Intelligent
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Dating Partner Traits (contd):
2 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Social Circle:
Number of friends
Type of friends
Many acquaintances
A few close
Lifelong
All new
Sources for other traits:
www.gurusoftware.com/
gurunet/personal/factors.htm
www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htm
Attachment Style:
Secure
Avoidant
Anxious
For more info, see the book
Attached
http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htmhttp://www.emotionalcompetency.com/personality%20traits.htm7/27/2019 Dating eBook v10
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2 2 0 1 2 G e t Y o u r L i f e I n G e a r , L L C D A T I N G
Feature:
Feature:
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Romantic
Romantic