Handling of a break up | 1

Research Paper on

Handling of a break up among boys and girls – A study in contrast

Md Kamrul Hasan

ID – 071 116 030

ENG 105, section - 5

Maleka Sarwar

April 17, 2010

Handling of a break up | 2

Abstract

There are significant differences in the way boys and girls handle a break up. Girls are more

emotional attached with the relationship and their reactions are more depressive when they have

a break up. Whereas boys are more practical and can cope up much easily than girls after a break

up. Perception about relationship and marriage also varies in different gender, where most of the

boys prefer a romantic relationship and girls do not want to think about relations when they have

a break up. As girls are more attached to their family and personal life, so their these two

functions get affected the most due to a break up, whereas only the educational function of boys

get affected the most among other functions of their lives. After one has a break up the best

suggestion according to Venn (n.d.) would be, “Developing some empathy for your ex can help

ease your own negative emotions. Empathy gives you a whole new set of eyes.”

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IntroductionAt the beginning of the history of mankind there were two individual who crossed around

half of the world just to meet each other, to meet the person who they loved a lot. We know both

of them, they are Adam and Eve. But where we have love, we have break up as well. We also

remember the unforgettable love story of Romeo and Juliet may be because of their heart

breaking ending.

I have closely witnessed two break ups of romantic relationship in front of me in the last

two years. Two close friends of mine were related to those break ups. Both of them are male of

course. But the ending story was totally different. One had a happy ending, whereas the other

had a really bad ending. In the first story my friend felt relieved after he had the break up,

showing that he had a really bad experience during his relation. But in the other story my friend

tried to kill himself.

Now do women also react in the same way like men; Maybe or maybe not. I am really

confused about how women react when they have a break up. Also women may also be confused

about how men react in such a situation. This paper is going to help people in dissolving such

confusion.

So, due to a break up, people can have different kinds of reaction or they can handle break

ups differently. “Depression, anger and relief are three groups of emotions typify the kinds of

emotions one would expect people to feel following a break up” (Omimoto, Elaine, Yamakawa

& Denney, n.d.). I just want to know, are these after break up reactions vary with their gender or

not. I think the way men handle break ups, vary significantly from the way women handle it.

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Background

“The dissolution of romantic relationship has been empirically associated with a variety of

negative physical and emotional responses, ranging from anxiety, depression, psychopathology,

loneliness, immune suppression, fatal and nonfatal physical illness or accidents and decreased

longevity to immediate death through suicide or homicide” (Davis, Shaver & Vernon, 2003).

Omimoto, Elaine, Yamakawa and Denney (n.d.) mentioned in their article that, researchers

are still very unclear about how men and women respond when they have a break up.

“Historically women have been stereotyped as the more ‘emotional’ of the sexes, especially in

their close relationships” (Broverman, 1972). I strongly agree with this statement because I have

found in my research that women used to cry a lot and do not want to think about romantic

relationship, whereas most of the men felt relieved when they have a break up.

“There is some evidence to suggest that men and women may differ in how upset they

become when their relationship ends” (Davis, Shaver & Vernon, 2003). “Girls search security in

relationships. When a man comes to their life they accept them without thinking seriously and so

after break up girls became more insecure and get more upset. Whereas boys do not need to give

accountability to society and has less publicity, so they became less upset.” (S. F. Karim,

personal communication, April 7, 2010). This has also been shown in my findings where most of

the girls cry a lot after break up whereas boy feel relieved after break up.

“Men are more distressed when relationship ends, reporting less happiness and more

depression and loneliness” (Omimoto, Elaine, Yamakawa & Denney, n.d.). I strongly disagree

Handling of a break up | 5

with this statement as I have found most of the men feel free when their relationship ends and

girls usually report loneliness more.

After a break up, most of the boys and girls didn’t actually try to hurt themselves. I have

found that, same proportion of men and women, which is a very little proportion actually tried to

hurt them. But in the past it was not like that. Omimoto, Elaine, Yamakawa and Denney (n.d.)

mentioned in their article that, “women did not actually feel more anger at the end of a

relationship as compared to the men.”

Hypothesis

The reason I chose to conduct this research is few questions whose answer I want to know. I

will now discuss those questions and also mention the probable answers that I expect to find

through my research.

There are so many break ups occurring around us with our friends, colleagues, classmates

and also with those who we do not know. I want to know what are the different types of

reactions, people have when they have a break up. And also want to know are such reaction

change with different gender or not. I am pretty sure that hunger strike and not talking to others

are the two most used reactions one could have. And also these reactions do vary a lot for boys

and girls.

The second thing I want to know is do people’s perception change about romantic

relationship and marriage after they have a break up and also do these change in perceptions

Handling of a break up | 6

depends on gender or not. I think people’s perception and interest towards a romantic

relationship and marriage changes after they have a break up. And they do not want to have a

romantic relationship in future as well as do not want to have an affair marriage. This perception

can vary with gender.

Finally, I intend to find out what are the reasons behind a break up, as well as what are the

mostly used ways to have a break up. According to me dishonesty is the main reason for a break

up. And the mostly used ways to have break ups are face to face interaction and through

telephone call.

Research Methodology

For my research, I have conducted a survey based on questionnaires and interviews.

Through the questionnaire survey, I have collected general information regarding my research

topic which helped me to establish some of my hypothesis and disproved others. The interviews

have allowed me to gather more detailed information which also helped me to get a better

understanding of my topic of research. I have used Microsoft Office Excel 2007 to analyze the

data collected through the survey so as to draw conclusion based on the results.

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FindingsAfter conducting the survey, I found some interesting results. First of all, when a romantic

relationship ends then the reactions of boys and girls are totally different. Figure – 1 and 2 shows

the different reactions that boys and girls when they have a break up. We can see that most of the

boys around 54% of them felt relieved after they have a break up. But in case of girls most of

them about 43% of them cried alone inside their home and only 15% of them felt relieved. In

case of men only 20% of them cried alone. Another significant difference is in the case of

regretting what they did or not. This is more common in girls, whereas none of the boys regret

about what they did. They think what they did was just right and they are happy with that. 7% of

the girls lost trust in people, whereas a double proportion of that of boys feels that.

These implies that boys think a lot before they decide to break up, that is why there is no

one from the boys who is regretting about the break up. And also as they are physically as well

as mentally stronger than girls so there is no one who cried in public. Now the most important

part, as most of the boys felt relieved implies that most of them had a really bad experience with

their partners and are now quite happy after the break up.

relieved 54%

confused 13%

cried alone 20%

lost trust 13%

Reactions after break up - Male

relieved 15%regretted

14%

confused 14%

cried in public 7%

cried alone 43%

lost trust 7%

Reactions after break up - Female

Figure - 1 Figure – 2

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Now in case of girls, they are more emotional and miss their relationship a lot. That is why a

huge proportion of them cried a lot and regret after their break up. “Because girls feel insecurity

inside them, so who first comes to them, without judging status and understanding they accept

the person without thinking seriously.” (S. F. Karim, personal communication, April 7, 2010).

This shows girls take their decisions in hurry and so after the break up they regret about what

they did.

Figure – 3 shows that, after a break up which function of individuals life get affected the

most and which get affected the least. It also shows is there is any difference in different gender

or not.

In case of girls, their personal life get affected by around 70% after a break up, whereas the

least affected function for boys are their personal activities. Now in case of boys their most

affected function is their educational sector, affected by around 60% due to a break up. Other

two functions friends and family get affected in a similar pattern where the affection is more in

case of girls than boys.

educational

family

personal

friends

0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% 70% 80% 90% 100%

Which function of life affected the most and least

malefemale

Figure – 3

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As we know that in our society girls usually pass most of their time with their family and

likes to be concentrated inside their home and usually get busy with their personal stuffs, so

when they have a break up their personal functions get affected the most. And also their family

functions get affected more than what happens in case of boys. “I will not allow my daughter to

surf internet so easily, but will allow my son to do that.” (M. M. Khan, personal communication,

April 6, 2010). This the current condition of our society where girls are more concentrated to the

family functions. That is why their personal and family functions get affected the most.

Now in case of boys, they know that they have to get established soon, as it is required by

their family to earn money and run their families, they usually get busy with their education

most. So when they have a break up this educational function of their life get affected the most

when they have a break up. And as most of them felt relieved after a break up so their personal

life get affected the least of all four functions. We know that most of the boys pass their most of

the times outside home with friend or doing other stuffs, so their family life function also get

affected in a low proportion after a break up.

Figure – 4 shows different perceptions that boys and girls have toward a romantic

relationship and marriage after they have a break up.

Most of the boys around 80% of them again want to have a relationship even after a break

up. But in case of girls it is a totally opposite scenario. Only 30% of girls want a relationship

after they have break up. There is no one who does not want a relationship. But 60% of the girls

do not want to think about relationships right now, whereas there is no one in case of boys who

do not want to think about it, because they want to get involve in another relationship.

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Now in case of marriage most of the boys around 60% of them do not want to think about it

but we have very few around 20% of girls who have such a perception. We have a quite high

proportion with around 40% of the girls who want an affair marriage, whereas boy with around

only 20% of them want an affair marriage. But around 65% of boys do not want to think about

marriage right now whereas less than 20% of the girls fall under this perception. Another

interesting thing that I have found is there are 20% of girls who do not want to get married!!! But

there is no boy who has such a perception about marriage.

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don'

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ink

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Perception about relationship Perception about marriage

0%

10%

20%

30%

40%

50%

60%

70%

80%

Perception about relationship and marriage

malefemale

Figure – 4

It can be derived from the findings that even though they have a break up and most of the

boys felt relieved, most of the boys want a relationship. This may be because they are more used

to the life where they have a partner or may be the effects of break up is less on boys. As I have

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found that as most of the girls are emotionally depressed after a break up and got hurt a lot than

boys so most of the girls around 60% of them do not want to think about relationship right now.

But in case of perception about marriage, girls are more attracted toward affair marriage

may be because they liked the way of living when they had the relationship or they are may be

missing the time passed with their partners, that is why most of the girls regret about their break

up. But there is other girls who are so hurt from their partners that now they do not even want to

get married!!! This may be because they had a terrible experience with their partners and now

they cannot even think to stay with a guy again. And as none of the boys regret about their break

up so we have a really small proportion of boys who want an affair marriage. Most of the boys

have now became so focused towards their career and are disappointed about bad effects that

they had on their education due to break up so now most of them do not want to think about

marriage.

In Figure – 5, in order to find the reasons behind break up, most of the boys said that they

were annoyed about their partner or liked someone else so they had their break up whereas most

of the girls said that family pressure is a vital reason for the break up. Also dishonesty is another

reason for girls to have a break up. That’s why most of the girls are so disappointed after their

break up and most of the boy felt relieved when they have a break up.

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Summary of Findings

Girls are more emotionally attached with the relationship and that is why after a break up

most of them cry a lot and regret about the break up. Whereas most of the boys felt relieved

when they have a break up may be because they had a bad experience during the relationship or

like a free life where there is no one to monitor them. As girls are mostly concentrated to their

personal life and family so their personal and family functions get affected the most due to a

break up. Whereas boys are more concentrated toward their education so their educational

function get affected the most when they have a break up. Most of the boys still want a

relationship and most of them do not want to think about marriage right now. In case of girls

they do not want to think about relationship right now but prefer affair marriage even after a

break up.

Suggestions

“If you have a break up take it gracefully. Getting separated now is much better than

suffering your whole life with your partner.” (S. F. Karim, personal communication, April 7,

2010). I also do support this, according to me, whatever happens with us, is the best for us. If

anyone has a break up, then he should accept it and think that it happened for his own wellbeing.

In the article called How to handle a break up, the writer Venn (n.d.) discussed briefly about

how to handle a break up. He said, once the break up is final, you should move on. This means,

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1. You should not blame yourself, 2. Ensure you have the social support you need and 3. Take

time to process the change in your life. He said, “Developing some empathy for your ex can help

ease your own negative emotions. Empathy gives you a whole new set of eyes.”

In another article named Relationship break up (n.d.) the writer talked about the different

steps one can take to handle a break up, they are, seek support from friends and family, Make a

daily schedule, make changes in your life and express yourself creatively and meet with a

counselor.

I think the just after a break up a person should try to pass more and more time with friends

and family and try to have lots of fun with them, should pass as less as time that he can alone, try

to take the break up as a gift from the Almighty ALLAH, should concentrate more on other

important functions of life like education and last of all should not regret for the break up.

Conclusion

Through my research findings, I have been able to prove some of my hypothesizes right and

some proved wrong. My research proved that boys and girls handle break ups differently. In this

case I was right. But in case of reasons behind break up is not only dishonesty, but the most

common reason behind a break up is annoyed about the partner. Then I found that the most

common reactions of boys when they have a break up is that they feel relieved whereas girls cry

a lot or regret about the break up. But I thought that most of them try to hurt themselves of do not

out or talk to nobody. But in case of their changed perception about marriage I was somewhat

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right and somewhat wrong. I was right that their perception about romantic relationship and

marriage changes and was wrong about the new perception. Most of the boys still want a relation

and do not want to think about marriage now whereas most of the girls do not want to think

about relation right now but want an affair marriage.

So now it is clear that boys and girls reactions after break up and change in perception about

relationship and marriage differ significantly. And the suggestions that I can give to them as one

of the best ways to handle break up is by believing that what happened was for his/her well being

and should not regret about the break up anymore.

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References

Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., & Vernon, M. L. (n.d.). Physical, Emotional, and Behavioral Reactions

to Breaking Up: The Roles of Gender, Age, Emotional Involvement, and Attachment

Style. Retrieved March 29, 2010, from http://www.sierratrialan

dopinion.com/papers/PSPBBREAKUPS.pdf

Orimoto, L., Hatfield, E., Yamakawa, R., & Denney, C. (n.d.). Gender Differences in Emotional

Reactions and Coping Strategies Following a break up. Retrieved March 29, 2010, from

http://www2.hawaii.edu/~elaineh/85.pdf

Vann, M. (n.d.). How to Handle a Breakup. Retrieved March 29, 2010, from http://

www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/handling-a-breakup.aspx

University counseling center, Villanova University. Relationship break up. Retrieved March 29,

2010, from http://www.villanova.edu/studentlife/counselingcenter/infosheets/psych_

topics.htm?page=relationship_breakup.htm

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Appendix 1

Results of Questionnaire Survey:

Reason behind Break upmale female total

Dishonesty 4 3 7liking someone else 6 1 7annoyed about the relation or partner 7 3 12pressure from family 3 5 6early marriage of partner 1 0 1

Tried to hurt partner?male female

yes 2 1no 10 8

Partner Tried to hurt him/her?

male femaleyes 3 3

no 9 7

Tried to hurt him/her?male female

yes 2 1no 9 9

Reaction after break upmale female

felt relieved or thankful 8 2regretted about the break up 0 2confused about what you did 2 2cried in public 0 1cried alone 3 6lost trust in people 2 1

Which function of life affected the most?

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male femaleeducational 42 26family 25 29personal 25 45friends 24 26

do you have a relationship right now?

male femaleyes 5 3

no 7 7

way of hurting him/hermale female

hunger strike 0 1cutting body parts 1 1mentally demoralized 1 0

Perception about marriage and relationshipmal

efemale

Perception about relationship

want a relation 80% 33%don't want a relation 0% 0%do not know 20% 8%don't want to think 0% 58%

Perception about marriage

affair marriage 22% 40%

arranged marriage 12% 20%don't want to get married 0% 20%

don't want to think 67% 20%

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Dishonesty liking someone

else

annoyed about the relation or

partner

preasure from family

early marriage

of partner

0123456789

10

Reason behind Break up

femalemale

Figure - 5

male female0

5

10

Partner Tried to hurt him/her

yesno

Figure – 6

male female0%

50%

100%

Tried to hurt partner

noyes

Figure - 7

Handling of a break up | 19

malefemale

0

5

10

yes

no

Tried to hurt himself

yesno

Figure – 8

hunger strike cutting body parts mentally demoralised0%

20%40%60%80%

100%

way of hurting

femalemale

Figure - 9

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Interview 1:

Mohammed Moniruzzaman Khan, Lecturer, GCE department, North South

University, Dhaka.

Question 1. Does the society have any influence over the reaction of break up?

Answer. As we live in a parietal society, so usually girls have their break up when are

being pressurized to get married with the man chosen by her family.

Question 2. Is there is any social influence on women because they are more emotional in

reacting due to a break up?

Answer. This is mainly due to biological difference. This is a very important reason for

girls to have a different after break up reaction than boys.

Question 3. Is society is supportive to men behind there less emotional reaction behind break

up?

Answer. The main reason is the technological development and the society is more open

minded toward the boys. First of all I will not allow my daughter to surf the internet frequently,

whereas I may allow my son to surf the net more frequently than my daughter. Also boys most

often see films a lot so they frequently see that boys and girls having break ups in the films and

again getting involve in another relationship, which actually make them more used to with the

fact that you can have a break up, here is nothing wrong with that. But as girls do not see movies

so often so they perceive break ups differently than boys.

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Interview 2:

Shamim F. Karim, Professor and Chairman, department of psychology, University of Dhaka.

Question 1. What are the psychological effects of a break up?

Question 2. What are the psychological differences among boys and girls related to their

reactions when they have a break up.

Answer. Boys and girls point of view about relationship are significantly different. Girls

love to get gifts from their boy friends, whereas boys are more practical.

Girls search security in relationships. In family parents put inside girls mind continuously

that they have to leave one day. That is how sense of insecurity comes in girls mind. So whoever

comes first to them, without judging and understanding they accept him without thinking

seriously.

Boys do not need to give accountability to the society and has less publicity when they have

a break up than girls. My suggestions towards those who had a break up that take it as gracefully,

because you do not have an understanding between you and your partner, so if you are getting

separate now then it is for your own wellbeing. It is much better than suffering your whole life

by living with that individual.

“Excessive disturbance reaction leads to psychological disturbance.”

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Appendix 2