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NewYorkCrowdsVanityFair(UK)(November24,1904)

IFthevisitortoNewYorkchancestopossessadollar-billforwhichhehasnoparticularuseatthemoment,heshouldcertainlyspenditonaticketforaballgame,ifonlytoseethecrowd.Inhisignoranceofitssubtletieshemayfindthegameitselfdull;buthecannotfailtobeinterestedbythespectators.Abaseballcrowdislikenoother.Idonotrefertotheelect,whowatchthegamefromthearistocraticseclusionoftheGrandStand,buttotheshillingpublicwhofillthebleachers,thecheapwoodenseatsattheoppositesideofthegroundbehindthefirstbase.Thesearethetruefollowersofthegame,keencriticstoaman,witheagleeyesandnomercyforaweakpieceofbattingorabungledcatch.Thereisanatmosphereofjoyousrowdyism,toneddownsomewhatbyacertainrespectforauthoritiesconstitutedbythemselvesandelectedfromtheirownnumber,whichisrefreshingatadistance.

Howtheplayersenjoyitonecannotsay.Thehometeampossiblyfindapleasureintheshoutofwelcomewhichtheymeetastheywalktothebatting-plate.Butwhentheenemysturnatthebatcomesround,thenoteischanged.Barrackingreignssupreme,andbarrackingofapeculiarlyaggressiveandsystematictypewithal.Forabaseballcrowdisnotacollectionofindividualswhocheerandhootasthespiritmovesthem.Itisanorganisedmass,anditgivestonguejustwhenitisdirectedsotodobyitsleader,theofficially-appointedRootor-in-chief.Theyleavenothingtochance,abaseballcrowd.Lefttothemselves,theymightcheer

atmomentswhentheyshouldbesilent,orbesilentwhenitwasnecessaryforthewelfareoftheNewYorkninethattheyshouldcheer.

Topreventthisaleaderisappointed,andhispowersareautocratic.Heis,toquoteaneveningpaper,President,King,Kaiser,Tsar,Mikado,Pooh-Bah,Mandarin,Sultan,andEmperorofalltheRooters.Heitiswhobossesthingsbackoffirstbase,andrulestrainedfanswithahandofiron.Fansarethosewhositonthebchers,andstaythereinscorchingsunordrivingrainuntiltheninthinningofeachteamisanaccomplishedfact.TheRooter-in-chiefhaslungsofbrass,andaspiritthatnoreversecansubdue.Sothebarrackingproceedsmerrily,andthevisitorsbatinanatmosphereofcontemptuoushostility.Butonlycollectively.Asindividualstheyreceivetheapplausethatisduetothemforanycleverpieceofplay.NotsuchaspontaneousringaboutthecheerswhenoneoftheBrookly

nnineputsaNewYorkbatsmanoutwithacleverthrow,aswhenaNewYorkerperformsasimilarfeatattheexpenseofaBrooklynite.Butstillcheersthereare,andnomancancomplainthathehasplayedwellwithoutrecognition.

Butasateamtheenemyareanathema.

Well,whoeverheardofBrooklyn?shrillstheRooter-in-chiefjustnowagentlemanofthenameofDillon.

Nobodyeverheardofit.SupposeitsinAmericaorEuropeorsomewhere.Rememberseeingthenameinapaperonce.Butneverreallyheardofit.CertainlynotasarivaltoNewYorkattheball-game.

WhereisBrooklyn?enquiresthefans.Personalitiesfollow.

Say,Hanlon,whatdoyougetthat$10,000for?

Arethosefellowsball-playersorcinder-pickers?

Nowandthenfandombecomeslyrical.

Giveemtheaxe!Giveemtheaxe!Theaxe!theaxe!theaxe!

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Where?Intheneck!Intheneck!Intheneck!Intheneck!There!

Nothingspecial,consideredpurelyasapoem,butdistinctlyeffectivewhenshoutedinunisonbythousandsofcast-ironthroats.

Butitisintheencouragementoftheirownsidethatthebleacherscomeoutstrongest.

WewillsupposeMertes,leftfielderofNewYork,tohavemadeoneofhisbestcatches.ThedialogueproceedsonthelinesoftheillustriousMessieursBonesandJohnsing,thus:

Dillon(enquiringly):WhatsthematterwithMertes?

TheCrowd(alltogether):WhatsthematterwithMertes?

Dillon(patiently):Well,whatsthematterwithMertes?

TheCrowd(reassuringly):Hesallright!

Dillon:What?

TheCrowd:Hesallright.

Dillon:Who?

TheCrowd:Mertes.

Dillon:Who?

TheCrowd:Mer-tes.

Dillon:WHO?

TheCrowd(withagladbellowthatnearlybringsdowntheneighbouringskyscraperswitharun):MERTES.HESALLRIGHT!!!!!

TheAdventureoftheMissingBeeVanityFair(UK)(December1,1904)

(SherlockHolmesistoretirefrompubliclifeafterChristmas,andtaketobee-farminginthecountry.)

ITisalittlehard,mydearWatson,saidHolmes,stretchinghislongformonthesofa,andinjectinganotherhalf-pintofmorphiawiththelittlejewelledsyringewhichthePrinceofPiedmonthadinsistedonpresentingtohimasarewardfordiscoveringwhohadstolenhisnicenewrattle;itisjustalittlehardthatanexhausted,overworkedprivatedetective,comingdowntothecountryinsearchofpeaceandquiet,shouldbeconfrontedinthefirstweekbyaproblemsoweird,sosinister,thatforthemomentitseemsincapableofsolution.

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Yourefer?Isaid.

Tothesingularadventureofthemissingbee,asanybodybutanex-armysurgeonequippedwithabrainofdoughwouldhaveknownwithoutmytellinghim.

Ireadilyforgavehimhisirritability,forthelossofhisbeehadhadaterribleeffectonhisnerves.Itwasablackbusiness.Immediatelyafterarrivingatourcottage,HolmeshadpurchasedfromtheArmyandNavyStoresafinebee.Itwasdocile,busy,andintelligent,andsoonmadeitselfquiteapetwithus.Ourconsternationmay,therefore,beimaginedwhen,ongoingtotakeitoutforitsmorningrun,wefoundthehiveempty.Thebeehaddisappeared,collarandall.Aglanceatitsbedshowedthatithadnotbeensleptinthatnight.Onthefloorofthehivewasaportionoftheinsectssteelchain,snapped.Everythingpointedtosinisterviolence.

Holmesfirstmovehadbeentosendmeintothehousewhileheexaminedthegroundnearthehiveforfootsteps.Hissearchproducednoresult.Exceptforthesmall,neattracksofthebee,thegroundborenomarks.Themysteryseemedoneofthosewhicharedestinedtoremainunsolvedthrougheternity.

ButHolmeswaseveramanofaction.

Watson,hesaidtome,aboutaweekaftertheincident,theplotthickens.Whatdoe

sthefactthataFrenchmanhastakenroomsatFarmerScrogginssuggesttoyou?

ThatFarmerScrogginsisanxioustolearnFrench,Ihazarded.

Idiot!saidHolmes,scornfully.Youvegotamindlikearailwaybun.No.IfyouwistoknowthetruesignificanceofthatFrenchmansvisit,Iwilltellyou.But,inthefirstplace,canyounameanyeminentFrenchmanwhoisinterestedinbees?

Icouldanswerthat.

Maeterlinck,Ireplied.OnlyheisaBelgian.

Itisimmaterial.Youarequiteright.MMaeterlinckwasthemanIhadinmymind

.Withhimbeesareacraze.Watson,thatFrenchmanisMMaeterlincksagent.HeandFarmerScrogginshaveconspired,andstolenthatbee.

Holmes!Isaid,horrified.ButMMaeterlinckisamanofthemostrigidhonesty.

Nobody,mydearWatson,isentirelyhonest.Hemayseemso,becausehenevermeetswithjustthattemptationwhichwouldbreakthroughhishonesty.Ionceknewabishopwhocouldnotkeephimselffromstealingpins.Everymanhashisprice.MMaeterlincksisbees.Passthemorphia.

ButFarmerScroggins!Iprotested.Abluff,heartyEnglishyeomanofthebesttype.

Maynothisheartinessbeallbluff?saidHolmes,keenly.Youmaytakeitfrommet

hatthereisliterallynothingthatthatmanwouldstickat.Murder?Ihaveseenhimkillawaspwithaspade,andhelookedasifheenjoyedit.Arson?Hehasafireinhiskitcheneveryday.Youhaveonlytolookattheknuckleofthethirdfingerofhislefthandtoseehimasheis.Ifheisanhonestman,whydoeshewearamade-uptieonSundays?Ifheisanuprightman,whydoeshestoopwhenhedigspotatoes?No,Watson,nothingthatyoucansaycanconvincemethatFarmerScrogginshasnotablackheart.ThevisitofthisFrenchmanwho,asyoucanseeinaninstantifyoulookathisleftshoulder-blade,hasnotonlydesertedhiswifeandalargefamily,butisatthisverymomentcarryingonaclandestinecorrespondencewithanAmericanwidow,wholivesinKalamazoo,Michconvincesm

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ethatIhavearrivedatthetruesolutionofthemystery.IhavewrittenashortnotetoFarmerScroggins,requestinghimtosendbackthebeeandexplainingthatallisdiscovered.Andthat,hebrokeoff,is,ifImistakenot,hisknock.Comein.

Thedooropened.Therewasascufflinginthepassage,andinboundedourmissingbee,friskingwithdelight.Ourhousekeeperfollowed,bearingaletter.Holmesopenedit.

Listentothis,Watson,saidHolmes,inavoiceoftriumph.

MrGilesScrogginssendshiscomplimentstoMrSherlockHolmes,anitsquitetrue,didstealthattherebee,thoughhowMrHolmesfoundout,MrGScrogginsbeantabletounderstand.Iamflyingthecountryasrequested.Pleasefindenclosed1(one)bee,andkindlyacknowledgereceiptto

Yourobedientservant

GScroggins

Enclosure.

Holmes,Iwhispered,awe-struck,youareoneofthemostremarkablemenIevermet.

Hesmiled,lithishookah,seizedhisviolin,andtotheslowmusicofthatinstrumentturnedoncemoretotheexaminationofhistesttubes.

*****

Threedayslaterwesawthefollowingannouncementinthepapers:MMaeterlinck,thedistinguishedBelgianessayist,wishesittobeknownthathehasgivenupcollectingbees,andhastakeninsteadtopicturepostcards.

HowtobeaJournalistThoughJuggedVanityFair(UK)(December8,1904)(TheinmatesofanAmericanprisonhavestartedapaperoftheirown,conductedforconvictsbyconvicts.)

THEOctobernumberofourenterprisinglittlecontemporary,GaolJottings(Sikes

andTurpin;price,twoscrewsofbaccywhenthewarderaintlooking),isfullyuptothestandardwhichwehavegrownaccustomedtoexpect.TherehavebeenchangesintheeditorialstaffsincetheSeptemberissue,MrJabezKMcLurkinhavingsucceededMrJGold-Brickaschiefeditor,owingtothelatterhavingbeenreleasedonticket-of-leave;whilethesocietygossipisnowinthecapablehandsofMrJimmyFagin,who,asourreaderswillprobablyremember,wasoneofthemostfascinatingmembersoftheSmartSetsentencedlastyear.

Spaceforbidsustoquoteatgreatlengthfromthemanyadmirablearticlescontainedinthecurrentnumber,butwecannotrefrainfromnoticingtheinstructive

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interviewwithMrReginaldPeace,whichformsNo3oftheMasterWorkersseries.Itisinteresting,asshowinghowgeniusrunsinfamilies,thatMrPeaceisaconnectionofhisgreatnamesake,Charles.Astrongman,this,reader,saysthewriter.Aglanceatthesmall,recedingforehead,themassivehead(theshapeofwhichisemphasisedbyhishabitofwearinghishairclosecropped),thefirmjaw,protrudingliketheramofabattleship,thekeeneyesunderthepent-houseofbrow,andwenolongerwonderwhyitwasthatfarsomanyyearsthenameofReginaldPeacewasaby-wordamongtheconstablesofSouth-WestSydenham.Readingon,wefindanexpertsviewsonburglaryasaprofession.Burglary,hesaid,inanswertotherepresentativesquestion,isnotwhatitwas.Electric-bellsanddogsthatdontseemtocareforpoisonedmeatareanimadvertingagainstitssuccess.Youwouldthinkeveryoneofthemwasavegetarian,andliveduponadietofpea-nutsandplasmon,likeMrEustaceMiles.Itsasmuchasthemostexpertmembersintheprofessioncandotomakebothendsmeet.Competition,mydearsir,ruinouscompetition,isatthebottomofallthetrouble.Whatwithalienimmigrantsundercuttingthetradeandoverworkingthemselves,anobleartisbeingreducedtoasweatersden.Adozenyearsbackitwasdifferent.Amancouldbeaburglarandagentleman.

Wewishwecouldquotethewholeofthispatheticinterview,butwethinkwehavedoneenoughtogiveourreaderssomeideaofthewayinwhichmodernhustleandaliencompetitionareruiningouroldBritishindustries..Theforeignerisbeatingusonourownground.EnglandmustWakeUp,tousethePrinceofWalesverywords.

MrReginaldBlinkbitsexcitingserial,TheForgerofFolkestone,continuestorunwell.Thesceneinwhichtheheromurdersthetwodetectivesinthelonelycottageisamostrealisticpieceofwriting,andisevidentlybasedonapersonalexperienceoftheauthors.Thepassagewhichconcludes,Withaswingingblowthegallantburglarbroughtdownthepokerontheheadoftheelderdetective.Hefelllikealog,neverknowingwhatstruckhimcouldonlyhavebeenwrittenbyamanwhoknewhisgroundthoroughly.WecongratulatethejudiciouseditorofGaolJottingsonsecuringacontributorwhoisqualifiedtorankamongourbest-knownnovelistsofsensation.

Underthepen-nameofBertie,anotherwritercontributesaseriesofProverbsforProfessionals,whichrepayquotation,suchasToomanycopsspoilthescoop,Ashot

ntimesavesnine,Procrastinationinathiefmeanstime,andmanyothers.

AusefulfeatureistheAnswerstoCorrespondentscolumn,conductedbytheEditor.Itisfullofexcellentadvice.Anxiousisinformedthatonlyblackbootsshouldbewornwithafrockcoat.Theusualmethodofprocedure,saysthereplytoEtiquette,whowishestoknowwhatistherightwayofobtaininganintroductiontoalady,isasfollows:Whenyoumeether,yousay,Ullo!Ullo!toyouwillbethemodeandprobablereply.Now,then;now,then,yousay.Notsomuchofit;notsomuchofit.Whyareyoujostlingme?shewillrejoin.Iamnotjostlinganybody,isyourrrect,ifinaccurate,answer.Theacquaintancemaynowbesaidtohavebeenestablished.

AsintheSeptemberissue,thePoetsCorneriswellfilled.Thatmostprolificof

bards,MrBenjamindelaRue,hasinthisnumberanOdetoaNightinGaol,afterthemannerofKeats.MrUleGanisrepresentedbyanotherofhisSongsofStreetAraby,andacontributorwhosenameisnewtous,MrBHGee,findsaplaceforhisSwinburnianeffort,ACanalPassage.

Weregretthatwecannotquotefurtherthecontentsofthisbrightestofprisonperiodicals.WemustconcludebycongratulatingtheEditoroncemore,andwishinghimacontinuanceinapositionwhichhehassothoroughlydeservedtowin.

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Half-HourswithaGhostITHETWOSCEPTICSVanityFair(UK)(January26,1905)GLADtoseeyoubackagain,saidtheManinArmour,politely,seatinghimselfonthechairatthesideofmybedasthelaststrokeoftwelveboomedfromthecastleclock.

Thanks.Sametoyou,Isaid.Longtimesincewemet.

Justtwoyears.Youdontlookadayolder.

Youflatterme,Isaid.

ItwasChristmas-night,andIwasstayingwithmyoldfriendLordStrathpufferathisancestralcastle.AtmyrequesthehadplacedmeintheRedRoom,where,twoyearsbefore,IhadfirstmadetheacquaintanceoftheManinArmour.Wehadbecomefirmfriendsfromthestart.IthinkthefactthatIdidnotscreamorfaintwhenheappearedendearedmetohim,forhehasconfessedtome,inthecourseofconversation,thatnothingembarrassesaspectresogreatlyasthethoughtthathisroomispreferredtohiscompany.Peoplewhoarenervousinthepresenceofghostswoulddowelltorememberthis.Iftheyknewthepaintheirthoughtlessnessgavetheywouldpossiblyseetheerroroftheirways.

Methought,resumedtheManinArmour,shiftinghispositionandcrossinghislegs,thatIheardsoundsofrevelryissuingfromthebanquetinghall.WasIcorrect?

Quite,Isaid.Strathpufferisanidealhost.

Iknow,Iknow.Irememberononeoccasionbutitwillboreyou?

Farfromit,Ireplied,eagerly.

Well,hesaid,itwaslikethis.ItwasthenightbeforeChristmas,andtheywerekeepingitup,youknow,inthegoodoldstyleinthebanquetinghall.Naturallybeforelongtheconversationturnedontothesubjectofghosts.Italwaysdoes.

Well,youknowhowproudLordStrathpufferisofmeIdontdeserveit,ofcourse

Oh,yes,yes,Iinterrupted.

TheManinArmourblushed.

Well,hesaid,sinceyousayso,perhapsAtanyrate,heisproudofme,andhebegatalkingaboutmetohisguests,praisingmeup,dontyouknow,whenapersonattheotherendofthetablehadtheincredibleaudacitytosaythathedidntbelieveinghosts.Didntbelieveinem,Illtroubleyou!Saidhethoughttheywereallnonsense.Ofcourse,themanwasdrunk

Ofcourse,Isaid,ofcourse.Still!

Justso.Still!Well,youcanimaginetheeffectofsucharemarkonLordStrathpuffer.ByJingo,sir,heshoutedafriendofminewhohauntsthemusiciansgalleryattheendofthebanquetinghallwasthereandheardhimByJingo,sir,letmetellyouthatIveaghostinthishousethatwouldturnyourbackboneintocoldputtybeforeyoucouldsayJackRobinson.Yes,byJove!Ofcourse,saystheman,Ihatetodoubttheexistenceofafineoldcrustedspectrelikeyours,Strathpuffer,but,hangit,youknow,inthesedaysofmodernscience!Really,Strathpuffer,really!Iwillbetyoutentooneinsovereigns,saidhislordship,thatyouwillnotslepto-nightinthehauntedroom.Done!saidthereptile.Withpleasure.Itwillbe

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ikefindingtenpounds.Andtherethesubjectdropped.Itwasdecidedthatthescepticshouldsleepinthehauntedroomonthefollowingnight.

Nowithappenedthatonthenextday,lateintheafternoon,anotherguestarrived.Thecastlewasveryfull,foranunusualnumberofguestshadbeeninvited,andwhenthehousekeepercametogiveherundividedattentiontothesubject,shefoundthattheonlyunoccupiedroomwasthisonetheRedRoom.WhenIsayunoccupiedImean,ofcourse,thatnoonebutmyselfwasthere.So,aftersomehesitation,shesuggestedtheRedRoomtothisguest.Sheknewthatsomepeopledislikedghostswhy,Icantsay.Imsurewedoallwecantomakeourselvesagreeableandshewasafraidthatperhapshemightobjecttosleepinginahauntedroom.Butdidhe?Notabitofit.Youwillscarcelycredititthattwosuchidiotscouldexistinasmallworld,buthe,too,likethescepticalguestatthedinner-table,didnotbelieveinghosts,andthoughtthemnonsense.

Isaiditalmostmadeonedespairforhumanity.

WhenIarrivedattwelveoclocksharphewasinbed,reading.Hiscandleilluminatedbutasmallportionoftheroom,andthrewweirdflickeringshadowsontheceiling.Infact,thesceniceffectswereexcellentformypurpose,andIwasjustwonderinghowImightbecomevisiblewiththegreatestamountofdramaticfeelingwhenInoticedthatScepticNumberTwowassittingupinbed,rigid,withhiseyesstartingfromtheirsockets.Hullo,Ithoughttomyself,thiswontdo.Somethingmusthavegonewrongwithmyworks,andIamvisiblewhenImeanttobein

visible.Inwhichcase,asyouaredoubtlessaware,mycareerasafirst-classhaunterwouldhavebeenover,andIshouldhavebeenputbacktograveyarddutyagain,foraghostwhocannotcontrolhisappearancesisuselessinagoodestablishmentsuchasthis.

However,IsoonsawthatIwasnotthecauseofhisalarm.InthedoorwaystoodScepticNumberOne,themanwhohadbettedthathewouldsleepthatnightinthehauntedroom.AndImustsayhelookedamostgruesomesight.Hewasstaringatthebedinquiteagrislymanner.Ihaveafriendwhodoesitawfullywell.HeisworkingupinForfarshirenow.

Theylookedatoneanotherforatime.Thenthemanatthedoorbolted,andtwominuteslater,justasIhadmadeupmymindtoappearandgetthethingover,th

eothermanboltedaswell.Iheardlaterthathepassedthenightinthebilliard-roomunderthetable,andleftbyanearlytrain.Theotheronealsoleftduringthemorning.

Butwhy?Iasked.

Ah!thenyoudidntreadaboutitintheSpiritualisticTimes!Therewerelonglettersfrombothoftheminthesamenumber,andeachwantedtobecomeasubscribertothepaperforlife.Yousee,eachthoughttheotherwastheghost.Themaninthebedsaidhehadseenafoulshapestandinginthedoorway,andthemaninthedoorwaysaidhehadseenaghostlyvisioninthebed.Andthejokeofitwasthattherewasarealghostthereallthetime.Buttheywillneverdaretodoubttheexistenceofspectresagain.Andthemoralofthat,concludedtheManinArmou

r,isDontbeopiniative.

AsItMightHaveBeenADOMESTICDRAMAVanityFair(UK)(February9,1905)

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[Showinghow,intheauthorsopinion,thedramaticpossibilitiesofShesreturntoarthmighthavebeendevelopedagooddealmoreeffectivelythantheyhavebeendevelopedbyMrRiderHaggardintheWindsorMagazine.]

SCENE:Abedroom,LeoVinceyisstandinginhisshirt-sleevesbeforethelooking-glass.Heholdsarazorinhishand,whichisshaking.Hehasfilledoutagooddealsincewelastmethim,butmightstillbetakenforaYoungGreekGodintheduskwithalightbehindhim.

Leo(lookingathishand):Idarent.Imasjumpyasacat.IfIoncestartedshavingIshouldturnupatthechurchamassofsticking-plaster.AndwhoeverheardofaGreekGodwearingsticking-plaster!Ontheotherhand,nogirlwantstomarryamanwithachinliketherollofamusical-box.Imustgetashaveattheclub.Jove!Ishallbegladwhenitsover.Hollysjustrightforbestman.Nonervesandexcitability.Allsolid,solid(Thedoorburstsopen,andHollyrushesin,violentlyexcited.)Hullo,Holly!Gladyouvecome.Isay,lookhere.Iveforgottentherules.DoItakeherlefthand,ordoesshe

Holly(withrestraint,eyeingLeosrazorwithanassumptionofunconcern):Thatlooksagoodbitofsteel.Wheredidyougetit?MayI?(TakestherazorfromLeo,closesit,andthrowsittotheotherendoftheroom.)Now,canyoustandashock?

Leo(inapitiablestateofnerves):What?What?What?Whatonearthisit,man?

Whatshappened?What?

Holly:Shehascomeback!

Leo:She?Whomdoyoumean?Who?

Holly:Braceup,mydearoldchap.Ayesha.

Leo(springingintotheair):What!!

Holly:Itsafact.ItsintheMail,andallthepapers.

Leo:But,confoundit,man,youknowaswellasIdothatshewasburnttoacin

der.Westoodandwatchedherdoit.

Holly:Imawfullysorry.WouldhavepreventeditifIcould.Itsallthefaultofthesenovelists.Haggard,dontyouknow,readthatSherlockHolmeshadntreallyfallenoverthecliff,sohedidntseewhyheshouldnttrythesamegame.SaidhewaspreparedtoresurrectcharactersagainstDoyleanydayintheweek.SoitseemsShewasntburntafterall.TheladywesawshrivelupwasaMissJaneSmith,herdouble.SisterofJohnSmith.Itrunsinthefamily.

Leo:Butwhatthedooceisgoingtohappen?However(hopefully),shedoesntknowmyaddress.

Holly(hesitatingly):Well,thefactis,oldmanbraceup,sheerinshort,shedoes

.Haggardgaveittoher.

Leo:Andnowonmywedding-daysheturnsup!Oh,itsalittlehard.And,byJingo!(Jumps.)

Holly:What?What?

Leo:Why,shesdeadcertaintobejealousofpoorlittleMolly.Andwhenshesjealousyouknowwhatthatmeans!Shellsimplyelectrocuteher,asshedidthatothergirlThingummy.YouknowthegirlImean.

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Holly(thoughtfully):Ye-e-s.Therewillcertainlybeunpleasantness.

Leo:Buthalfasecond,Holly,Ivegotit.IfIremember,youwerefondofheryourself.

Holly(blushing):WellerThereweremomentsThatistosayInshortOfcourse,Idontnythatshehadattractions,thoughhardlyinmyline.Ipreferyourslim,small,jollylittlebrown-hairedtypeofgirl,withdarkblueeyes,dontyouknow.ShewouldbehavelikeSarahBernhardt.

Leo:Well,anyhow,forthesakeofapalcutmeout,oldman.TakehertoCambridge,andshowhertheBacks.TakeheruptothetopofKings,andshowhertheview.Thenbreakittohergentlythatallisover,andsoon.See?What?

Holly(stiffly):MydearLeo,itisimpossible.Sheusedtomakepunsonmyname.

(Theystandlookingatoneanotherinsilence.Thereisaknockatthedoor.)

Leo:Yes?

TheLandlady(inherNo7voice,theshockedandsurprised):MrVincey,thereisastrangeladya-waitingforyouinthesitting-room,andshesaysshesgoingtow

aittillsheseesyou.

Holly:Didshegivehername?

TheLandlady:Yes,sir.NameofAsher.

[RapidCurtain.]

TheGloriousUncertaintyofCricket(Criticism)

VanityFair(UK)(June8,1905)(Withacknowledgmentstomostofourcontemporaries.)

FROMtheDailyAnything,issueofMay30:Ifanythingcouldconvinceusmorethoroughlythanwewereconvincedalreadyofthemiserable,flabbyconditionofEnglishcricket(so-called),yesterdaysingloriousexhibitionofpusillanimouspifflingbythesoi-disantrepresentatives(!)ofAllEnglanddidit.Neverhaveweseensuchawretcheddisplay.OurreadersmayrememberthatweprotestedagainsttheinclusionofSlogburyintheteam.ItiscommonknowledgethattheSelectionCommitteeoweSlogburymoneyhencetheundeservedhonourthathasfallentohim.ThestrokeoffwhichSlogburygotoutyesterdaywouldhavedisgracedanenfeebleddegenerate.Nomanwiththepluckofacaterpillarwouldhavefailedtohittheballtotheboundary.ThecravenSlogbury

shapedatitlikeanepilepticbaboon,andwascaughtintheslips.AndwhatshallwesayofWhangham?TheytoldusthatWhanghamwasafine,aggressivebatsman.WehaveseenfinerandmoreaggressivebatsmenonClaphamCommononSaturdayafternoons.AmanwhocouldmistimeaballasWhanghamdidwouldrobhisyoungestchildsmoney-boxtobuybrandy.Blockersexhibitionmadeusblushatthethoughtthatwe,too,wereEnglishmen.AllthatwecansayforitisthatitwasbetterthanLegley-Glancers.Butletusdrawaveil.Theglorious,godlikeAustralianbowlersdominatedourmen.Wefeltthathere,ofatruth,wereAthletes.ThelissomLaver,thecheerfulCotter,thenonchalantNoblewhatmentheyare!Thematchisasgoodaslost,ofcourse,butitissomesmallconsolationtothinkthatwe

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havebeenbeatenbythemostwonderful,paralysingcombinationthateverlefttheAntipodes.Whenourinningshadclosedfor150,TrumperandDuffydefiedalltheeffortsofourself-styledfirst-classbowlers,andputon23withoutloss.IfMrBJTGooglythinksheisthesortofbowlertogetwicketsexceptinamatchagainstthesecondelevenofasuburbankindergarten,wecanonlysaythatheissadlymistaken.Well,well,wedidallwecouldtohavehimkeptoutoftheteam.

FromtheDailyAnything,issueofMay31:GoodoldGoogly!Hurrah!Threecheers!OldEnglandforever!Thereslifeintheoldcountryyet!WealwayssaidthatGooglywasthemantogetAustraliaout.Owingtoabrilliantcoupleofovers,inwhichhedismissedtheentireteamwithoutfurtheradditiontothescore,theMotherCountrywasleftwiththesubstantialleadonthefirstinningsof127.Norwereoursuccessestoendhere.CompletelymasteringthesomewhatstinglessAustraliantrundlingwehavealwayspointedoutthat,strongasitundoubtedlyisasacollectionofwillow-wielders,thepresentcombinationisweakinbowlingSlogburyandWhanghamincreasedourleadby200intheshortspaceoffortyminutes.Whatmentheyare!Slogburyquiet,graceful,poetical;Whanghamsturdy,aggressive,romantic.Theymakeusproudtobetheirfellow-countrymen.AndhowlittleJohnnyBlockerdefiedthebowling!AndwhatperfectstyleLegley-Glancerexhibited.Whatamanheis!TheAustralianattack...weak...resourceless,&c,&c.

FromtheDailyAnything,issueofJune1:

Whateverthemeritsofourvisitorsfromdownunderasabowlingteamandtheirattak,wehavealwaysmaintained,hasbeenvastlyunder-ratedtheycertainlycannotbat.Ourbowlersdominatedthem.Googlysfineperformance...Englandsgloriousvictory...RuleBrit...&c,&c.

(Andinaweekorsoweshallgothroughitallagain.)

AWINTERSTALE.KINGARTHURANDHISCOURT.DramatisPerson.

KingArthursCourt.KingArthur......................................................................... Mr.A.J.Balfour.QueenGuinevere................................................................TheUnionistParty.SirLancelot......................................................................... TheTariffReformLeague.

Merlin(outofajob)............................................................. TheDukeofDevonshire.SirKaye............................................................................... TheMarquisofLondonderry.FreeFooders,Retaliators,TariffReformers,andotherretainers.Barbarians.SirCampbell(anotedScot)................................................SirH.Campbell-Bannerman.SirPrimrose(acultivatedPiet)..........................................TheEarlofRoseberry.

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SirLloyd(aCymric)...........................................................Mr.Lloyd-George.SirRedmond(TheIrishChief)...........................................Mr.Redmond.SirGrey(apatrioticGoth)..................................................SirEdwardGrey.SirKeir(anadvancedHun).................................................Mr.KeirHardie.SirWinston(aconspirator).................................................Mr.WinstonChurchill.PassiveResisters,Anti-Vaccinators,MembersoftheHumanitarianLeague,ContributorstoTheDailyNews,MembersoftheNationalLiberalClub,andotherretainers.________ACTI.(AforestnearKingArthursCastle.Ontheright,uponagrassymound,SirPrimroseisdiscoveredunarmed,clothedinwhitesamite,crownedwithflowers,andsolacinghissolitudeuponaviol.Inthecentreisanopenglade,givingadistantviewofKingArthursCastle,ycleptYeGovernment,whichissurroundedbythetentsoftheBarbarianArmy,consistingofPicts,Scots,Rads,Cymrics,Celts,andotheroutlandishtribeswhoarebesiegingit.Totheleftisaperspectiveoftree-trunks.)SirPrimrose:

Theremaybesomeinyonoutlandishhost(Whoonce,upraisingmeonliftedshields,ProclaimedmeLeader)thatdeclaremebase,Neglectfulofmypartyandmycause,NeglectfulofmychancetotriptheheelsOfArthurinhisdayoftrialsore.YethowcanI,acultivatedman,Aperfectstylistandaconnoisseur,Acritic,too,astudentofthemenWhomadethenations,stooptojoinabandOrrebelIrish,Welshmenfromthehills,RadsfromLondinium,Pictsfrommineownland?Suchmen,forsooth,aswoulddisjointhekingdoms,

InpeaceIwillremain,apartfromstrife,Forgettingcareinmusic:Song:SirPrimrose.ThepoliticalarenawasatonetimejustascleanaPlaceasanyonecouldeverwishtosee;Butitssufferedchangeslately:itsdeterioratedgreatlyTillitsreallyquiteunsuitableforme.Oh,thechatterandthebabbleofthisunimperialrabbleIsmorethanaphilosophercanbear,So,althoughithasannoyedthem,Iconsistentlyavoidthem,Forpoliticsarenothingliketheywere.Whenthetrumpetsoundsforactionthereismuchdissatisfaction(Whichtheyseldomtrytheirhardesttoconceal)

For,insteadofkeenlyleapingtotheconflict,Iamsleeping,Quiteoblivioustotheirpassionateappeal.TherearesomewhosayImskulking;notafewwhocallitsulking;ButfortriflessuchastheseIdonotcare:AtthecostofirritationIpreservemyisolation,Forpoliticsarenothingliketheywere.Icanhearthedinandrattleofanenergeticbattle,Icanheartheshoutsofstormersatthebreach;ButitseemsatsuchadistancethatIdontprovideassistance(Withthepossibleexceptionofaspeech).

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Inagentlemanlymanner,astheyrallyroundthebanner,Irecommendthetroopstodoanddare;ButofcourseIneverheedthemwhentheyshouttometoleadthem,Forpoliticsarenothingliketheywere.InthegoodolddayswhenImyselfwasfightingWedidthingsinaculturedsortofstyle;Wemadethefraysufficientlyexciting,ButstucktoflagandEmpireallthewhile.Wehadntanyfactioninourarmy,Bydisciplineeachwarriorwastied:ButthestateofthingsatpresentissothoroughlyunpleasantThatIthinkitbesttostayawayoutside.(Adrumheardwithout.EntertheBarbarianArmyofRads,Celts,Cymrics,&c.,precededbylargebanners,afterthefashionofaTradeUniondemonstration.)MarchingSongofBarbarianArmy.TheArmy(alltogether):AhostwithbutasingleaimWefightinperfectunity;NofoeupontheearthcanclaimTotreatuswithimpunity:EachmanregardstheothersAssomethingmorethanbrothers.TheenemydontrelishitWhenwedetecthiswhereabouts.

Weneverhaveajarofsplit,Werealwayschums(orthereabouts);InfairandstormyweatherWealwaysmarchtogether.SirGrey(leadingdetachmentofRespectableImperialLiberals):Ourloyaltysfreefromdefect,Ourmoralsarehighlycorrect;WeputdownourfootOnproposalstoloot,ForPropertysrightswerespect.WestickwithafirmnessintenseToImperialviews(whichareSense).Whateverwepay

Wemustleadtheway:OurmottoisBlowtheexpense!SirLloyd(leadingdetachmentofearnestandadvancedRads):Weactonadifferentplan,Imperialnotionsweban:WhenthefoewedefeatBoththearmyandfleetWeproposetocutdown(ifwecan).Withshrewd,economicalglanceWewatchoeraffairsoffinance,WeveawonderfulsenseForthevalueofpence,Andsavethemwheneerweveachance.

SirKeir(leadingdetachmentofUnemployed):WecawntsiyweoldsverymuchWiththesearistocraticsandsuch.TheporesonoftoilAsarighttothespoil;Westickstowoteverwetouch.Wotwesesis,thisChivalrysrot,Letsbeatem,andtikeorltheyvegot.Lettheard-workingmanGavverorlthathecan,

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Andnotavenoscruples.Thetswot.SirRedmond(leadingdetachmentofpure-mindedCelts):Ah,shtopallthisterrublenoise!Goaisy,thatswhatIadvoise:ForitslittleweheedIfwefailorsucceed;Bedad,itsallwantothebhoys.Wedontcarewhichsideweassist.IsutupsettheMonarchy?Whist!WelljustmarchwiththehostWhichllpayusthemost:Themsoursintiments,natelyexprissed.(TheBarbarianArmymarchroundthestage,andthenlineupleftandright.TheleadersgatherinthecentretowelcomethatgentleKnight,SirCampbell,whoadvancesonfoot,followedbyadrummercarryingthePartydrum.)SirCampbell:Fairanddearfriends,rightstronglydidyousing,AndthoughInoticed,scatteredhereandthere,Anotethatbrokethegeneralconsonance;Yetonthewholethenoisewasverygreat,AnddoubtlesswillaffrighttheKnightsthatlazeAbouttheTableRoundwithintheCastleOfproudKingArthur(whereIshortlyhopeWeshallbedining).Yetincommoncause

Mustwebebound,withsingleheartandhandMustwestrikehomeifvictoryistogildOurspreadingpinions.FirstlyletusstormThecastlewalls;hereaftercanwehealThelittleriftsthatinthePartyluteNowthreatendiscords.(SirGreystepsforward.)Ah,mylustyknight,Whathaveyouforyourleaderslongingears?SirGrey:Mygentleleader.ThoughIwouldnotlooseThedogsofdarkcontention,yetSirRedmondAndIhavehadsomebickeringsontheway.

MaynotthearmypausethewhileIthrustHisblackopinionsdownhisbanefulthroat?SirPrimrose(descendingthemound,andenteringthearena):Alas!mycomrades.ItseemstomethatImustmakeaspeech.All:Oh,woefulday!SirPrimrose:SirCampbell,IremainYourveryhumbleandobedientservant,YetmustIwarnyou,listnottothechiefOfIrelandslevies.Thinkofhimnomore,HarktoSirGrey,whotriesasbesthecanTovoicemysentiments

SirRedmond:Bedad,IlltacheYoumannerswidaclub.SirLloydandSirKeir:Nay,letusspeak.SirCampbell:Nowdrummerhasteanddoyournoisyduty.(AlongandthunderousrollonthePartydrumdrownstheturmoil.Asit,atlast,concludesSirCampbellstepsforward.)Song:SirCampbell.

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WhenmypartyseveryactionTendstodrivemetodistractionAndaffairsbegintohum,Ibeatmydrum.WhentheycallforaneffectiveAndimmediatecorrectiveThenIplay,untiltheyredumbUponthedrum.Itdoesntmattermuchaboutthemeaningortheair,SolongasIplaysomethingpeopleneverseemtocare,IinitiateapanicoralleviateascareWithmydrum.Ivereducedittoascience:WhenthefoemenshriekdefianceAndmyarmyslookingglum,Ibeatmydrum.Whenmypartyinafixis,Allatsevensandatsixes,ToreorganisethescrumIbeatthedrum.Itissimplysoundandfury,anditsmeaningisntclear,ButIfancyitencouragesmymentopersevere;SoIstillcontinueplaying,thoughtheenemymaysneer,Onthedrum.

Somytiptoyoungtacticians.IftheygetintightpositionsAndtheprospectsratherrum,IsBeatthedrum.ForthesquabblingsandthehootingsAndthebrawlingsanddisputingsMaybeneatlyovercomeWiththedrum.Dissensioninyourforcesitinfalliblydestroys,Itsoothesyourownsupporters,whilethefoemanitannoys;Donttrytoplayatune:youonlyneedalotofnoiseFromthedrum.SirPrimrose:

Andthisisleadership!NowHeavendefendTheshriekingrabbleandtheircaptain,whoIsbutadrummersavetheYankeetermBut,hist,whomhavewehere?(EnterSirWinstonandfriends,carryingawhiteflag.)Now,canitbeTheyareasub-committeeofsurrender?SirWinston:Myfriends,Ibidyougreeting.WehavefledFromArthursCastle,whichcanneverbeAhomeagainsavechanceshouldspinaroundHermockingwheel.ForinitssplendidhallsIsdireconfusion.NeathKingArthursnose

DoesLancelotmakeeyesatGuinevere.Sothattheladysitsindiredistress,Notknowingwhatiswhatnorwhoiswho.AndwhiletheknightswithgossipfillsthedaysTheresnonethatpaysattentiontoourclaimsTohighadvancement,nonethataresopoorTodousreverence,toobserveourwords;Writeofusinthepaperstobebrief,Weareneglected,treated,sirs,likeboys.Sohereweare,yourfondandkeenallies.

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Hark,forImuchdesiretosingtoyou.Song:SirWinston.FrommychildhoodIvenourishedambition,ImadeupmymindinmycotToclimbtothehighestposition,Whetherpeopleapprovedmeornot.SoIcutsomeremarkablecapers,Wentoutwiththearmytowar,Andwrotemyselfupinthepapers:(Thatsallthatthepapersarefor.)WithArthurInextwasconnected,ForArthurwastheninhisprime:Whengreybeardsincouncilcollected,Igavethemadviceeverytime.AyouthwhosdeterminedtopreachisRegarded,Iknow,asabore,ButIgotmyselfknownbymyspeeches:(Thatsallthatmyspeecheswerefor.)FormonthswithallegianceunalteredIstucktohimcloserthanglue;NoreverinbattleIfaltered;Ifoughtwiththevigouroftwo.Nofierceoppositiondismayedme,Iyearnedtobesheddingmygore;

Ifanciedthatloyaltypaidme:(Thatsallthatmyloyaltysfor.)Butmymonarchisnowabacknumber,Heseemstobequiteupatree,AndArthurcanonlyencumberApushingyoungfellowlikeme.So,thoughitsabitofagamble,IfancyIstandtogainmoreIfIthrowinmylotwithSirCampbell:(ThatsallthatSirCampbellisfor.)SirCampbell:Yourwordssoundstrangelytomysimpleears.SirLloyd:

StrangebedfellowsdoesOppositionbring.SirRedmond:Silence,yegrumblers.DoesheknowawayTostormthecastle,plantourbannerproudUpontheinnerwall?SirWinston:IntruthIdo.SirRedmond:Expound,mygentlesir.SirWinston:AppointmeleaderAndyoushallwinthedaywithoutadoubt.(Intenseandprolongeduproar.FinallySirCampbellcallsupon

thePartydrumtodoitsduty.Silenceisatlastrestored.)SirCampbell:Patience,youngman.ThestepstoofficehighAresteepandmany.InsomethirtyyearsYoumay,perchance,Isayyoumay,perhaps,Attainsomesmallemolument.Enough.AflankattackiswhatwenowintendOnourdisorderedfoes.Come,forward,march,Advanceourbanners,letthepolicemanclearAwayforthis,ourarmy.Victorywaits

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TocrownusaswestormtheCastlegates.(Exeunt,singingAhostwithbutasingleaim.)________ACTII.(Midnight;Moonlight.SirLancelot(theTariffReformLeague)isdiscoveredwithguitarbeneaththewindowofGuinevere(theUnionistParty).InaneighbouringcornerofthebattlementsagroupofFreeFooders,headedbyMerlin(theDukeofDevonshire),arewatchinghim.)SirLancelot(theTariffReformLeague):Ofdearlittlepartiesonearth,Nodearth,Ivenoted;theyvenotbeenafew.TheircharmsIdonotunderrate,Theyregreat.Buttheycantholdacandletoyou,Toyou.Theycantholdacandletoyou.Canyouhear,Guinevere,WhatImsaying,mydear?Yourwindowisopen,besidesbeingnear.Canyouhear?ChorusofFreeFooders(ironically):Hear!Hear!

SirLancelot:Canyouhear?ChorusofFreeFooders:Oh,Lancelot,oh,Lancelot,YourcaptivatingglancealotOfdamagehaseffected,itisclear.ItsapuzzlewhatsheseesInyourvisagethatcanplease,Butthefactremains,youwheedleGuinevere.SirLancelot:Ohsay,haveIwonyouornot?Eh,what?Oh,givemesomesortofsign.

FormonthsIvebeentryingtowooJustyou;Myangel,dosayyoullbemine.Bemine,Myangel,dosayyoullbemine.Itisqueer,Guinevere,ButIreckonsmallbeerOtherparties,andpassthemallbywithasneer.Canyouhear?ChorusofFreeFooders(ironically):Hear!Hear!SirLancelot:

Canyouhear?ChorusofFreeFooders:Oh,Lancelot,oh,Lancelot,IngayandgiddyFrancealotOfpeopleactlikethis,butstillitsqueerThatinEnglandyoushouldseekInthisshamefulwaytospeak.PleaseremembershesKingArthursGuinevere.(Guinevere(theUnionistParty)appearsatthewindow.)Guinevere:

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AsfastasleepjustnowIlay,Asleepandgentlydreaming,IthoughtIheard,far,faraway,Thesoundofsomeonescreaming.ItmayhavebeenthenightingalesThoseshrill,nocturnalgurglers,Justpractisingtheirnotesandscales.Orpossiblyitsburglars.(SheseesLancelot.)Oh,Lancelot!Youthere!Whatnext!YouknowthatArthurwouldbevexed.SirLancelot:Yes,yes,tisI.Iknowitswrong.ButhowcouldIresistit?AbriefsynopsisofmysongIllgiveyouasyoumissedit.In(thoughIsayit)neatishverseItoldtheloveIboreyou.Oh,Guinevere,mydoubtdisperse;YouknowthatIadoreyou.Guinevere:ThebloodtomyembarrassedcheekWithsuddenquicknessrushes:Lookcloseifyoumyanswerseek;

Youllreaditinmyblushes.Iknowthevowsyoumakearetrue,Allotherkindsarespurious:Idliketorunawaywithyou,ButArthurwouldbefurious.SirLancelot:Nay,hearme,Guinevere,yourheartNoworn-outbondsmustfetter:Wevegottomakeanotherstart,Thesoonerdone,thebetter.Forancientshibbolethswhocares?Ourlivestheymustnottether:Andwemustmanageouraffairs

Onnewlinesaltogether.ChorusofFreeFooders:OhLancelot,oh,Lancelot,Westampourfeet,anddancealotWithrageanddisapprovalwhenwehearThematrimonialchangeWhichyoucallouslyarrangeForyourpoor,misguidedvictim,Guinevere.SirKaye(theMarquisofLondonderry),rushingviolentlyin,andspeakinginrecitative):Ha!Whatisthis!BeneaththeRoyalwindowIseeaman.(ExitSirLancelotbyrope.Theyallrushforward,andstands

hakingtheirheadssadly.)________ACTIII.(TheinteriorofKingArthursCastle,YeGovernment.Inthecentreatbackofstageisadas,onwhichareplacedtwothrones,intheoccupationofKingArthur(Mr.A.J.Balfour)andGuinevere(theUnionistParty).BehindthemaregroupedSirLancelot,SirKaye(LordLondonderry),andotherofficials.BelowthedasistheRoundTable,atwhichanumberofknightsareseated.)KingArthur:Mycomrades,wehaveheardwithoutourwalls

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RumourofstrifeintheBarbarianhordesThatthinktopillagethis,ourcitadel,WhereweformanyyearshaveheldourcourtDespitethefloutsandsneersofevilmen.LetusbecarefulnottoemulateTheirrudealarmsandindiscreetexcursions,IaskyouthentofillyourbeakersupAnddrinktothis,ourCause.(Theassemblyrisetotheirfeetwithmuchcheering.)AVoice:Whatcause?KingArthur(ingreatannoyance):WhatknightisthiswhobreaksthegeneraljoyWithsuchaquestion?Tisenough,weknowEachinourheartswhatiswhatisourCause.Guinevere:DearArthur,nowformanylovingyearsHaveIobeyedyou,followedeverymove,Acceptedexplanations,bornemyselfAsshouldatrueandvirtuousBritishmatron.YetevenIwouldratherliketoknow,Beingperplexedbydoubtsandgeneralfears,WhatistheCauseforwhichwefightto-day.KingArthur:You,too,myGuinevere!

Song:KingArthur.Oh,thelifeofakingisnotskittlesandbeeratall;Worriespursuehimwhereverheflies,Chasehim,andfacehim,andwontdisappearatall,Worries!Hesinthemrightuptotheeyes.Everyoneseemstodelightinperplexinghim,Askinghimquestionshecantunderstand,Boringandhecklingandteasingandvexinghim,Makinghimshowallthecardsinhishand,Robbinghisbrainofallsnapandlucidity,Bleachinghislockswithafrightfulrapidity,Intohisconfidenceartfullyburrowing,Givinghimshockstillhisforeheadisfurrowing,

ThreateningmutinyeverydayThatishissubjectsunvaryingway.Howcanamonarchpreservehisurbanity,Feelinghimselfonthevergeofinsanity?Commonfolkgrumble,andthatsortofthing,Buttheirwoescantcomparewiththewoesofaking.Oh!vit(toquotefromtheClassical)tdia!Life(totranslate)isapoorsortofshow.Treated,bygad!asanEncyclopdia,AllthingsonearthImexpectedtoknow.IvegottoanswerwithunimpairedbonhomieQuestionsofeverykindtheymayask:PosersabstruseonthenationsEconomy

Thatsbutatithe,sotospeak,ofmytask.WhereareourArmyCorps?CanIconfirmanyRumoursofwarwiththeSultanorGermany?AretheChineseontheRandfloggeddiurnally?WhyshouldtheStraphangersuffereternally?DotheAll-Blacksplayquitefairinthescrum?Dailythequestionscontinuetocome.Howcanamonarchgobeamingwithcheerfulness,Wheninastatethatsapproachingtotearfulness?Commonfolkgrumble,andthatsortofthing,

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Butthemanwhoisreallyoppressedistheking.AMessenger(rushingin):Arm,arm!Theenemyhaveclimbedthewall.(Aconfusednoisewithout.Shouts,alarums,andcheapexcursions.HeadedbySirCampbell,theBarbariansrushintothehall.TheKnightsoftheRoundTabledrawtheirswordsandgatherroundthedas.)SirCampbell:WeaskSirPrimrose:suggest,SirKeir:insist,SirRedmond:demandthatyouAllTogether:Deliverupthiscastletoourpowers.KingArthur:Nay,gentlemen,Ichargeyou,tellmethis,WhommustIanswer,who,inshort,ischief?SirCampbell:I,bythesanctionofthegeneralvoice.OfalltheRadsthroughoutmyterritories.SirPrimrose:I,bytherightandartofcriticism,

WhichgivesmepowertoirritateSirCampbell.SirKeir:I,bytherightofanyartisan,Totakewhatisnothisifsohechoose.SirRedmond:I,bytheforceoffear,forinmyhandIholdthefortuneoftheclansallied.KingArthur:Thanks,gentlesirs,forthisyourexplanation.MyanswerisSirLancelot:Forgiveme,nobleArthur.Buteeryougivesomeabsolutedecision,

Someutterancefirm,complete,irrevocable,IwouldsuggestMerlin:Myliege,or,rather,heWhowasmyliege,forIamstillconfusedInthesedistressfultimes,IbegthatLancelotBesatupon,andSirKaye:Oh,myRoyalKing,Whosewordshaveeverbeentomeaslaws,Whoseargumentsaremine,whosethoughtsaremine,IbegyouKingArthur:

Prayyou,givemeleavetospeak.Theseinterruptionsaremalapropos.Duet:SirCampbellandKingArthur.SirC.:Misfortunesdoggedmefromthefirst,Asyoumayplainlysee:OflucklessmenIamtheworstKingA.:(aside):Youare,exceptingme.SirC.:MytroopscauseendlesstoilbeforeIgetthemintoline,AndwhenIdo,therescivilwar

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KingA.(aside):Itsjustthesamewithmine.SirC.:Theystartatearlymorning,andTheyquarrelalltheday;WithTraitor!theyeachotherbrandKingA.(aside):Thatsjustwhatmymensay.SirC.:Theirreverenceformywordsissmall,Wealwaysdisagree:TheysayImnottheirchiefatallKingA.(aside):Somesaythesameofme!KingArthur:SirCampbell,welladjournthisconference.ToyouIleavethiscastle,ontheplain.Wellpresentlyconjoininbattledire,Soshallweknowwhosmaster,ifitbeThatanymancaneverknowwhosmaster.(ExitKingArthur,leadingthewayfromtheCastleofYeGovernment.GuineverefollowsonthearmofSirLancelot,withMerlinandSirKayegloomilyregardingthem.AsthecurtainfallstheBarbarianshavefallentofightingdesperatelyamongstthemselves,andSirCampbelliscallingforthePartydrum.)ByP.G.Wodehouse

AsItMightHaveBeenADOMESTICDRAMAVanityFair(UK)(February9,1905)[Showinghow,intheauthorsopinion,thedramaticpossibilitiesofShesreturntoarthmighthavebeendevelopedagooddealmoreeffectivelythantheyhavebeendevelopedbyMrRiderHaggardintheWindsorMagazine.]

SCENE:Abedroom,LeoVinceyisstandinginhisshirt-sleevesbeforethelooking-glass.Heholdsarazorinhishand,whichisshaking.Hehasfilledoutagooddealsincewelastmethim,butmightstillbetakenforaYoungGreekGodintheduskwithalightbehindhim.

Leo(lookingathishand):Idarent.Imasjumpyasacat.IfIoncestartedshavingIshouldturnupatthechurchamassofsticking-plaster.AndwhoeverheardofaGreekGodwearingsticking-plaster!Ontheotherhand,nogirlwantstomarryamanwithachinliketherollofamusical-box.Imustgetashaveattheclub.Jove!Ishallbegladwhenitsover.Hollysjustrightforbestman.Nonervesandexcitability.Allsolid,solid(Thedoorburstsopen,andHollyrushesin,violentlyexcited.)Hullo,Holly!Gladyouvecome.Isay,lookhere.Iveforgottentherules.DoItakeherlefthand,ordoesshe

Holly(withrestraint,eyeingLeosrazorwithanassumptionofunconcern):Thatlooksagoodbitofsteel.Wheredidyougetit?MayI?(TakestherazorfromLeo,closesit,andthrowsittotheotherendoftheroom.)Now,canyoustandashock?

Leo(inapitiablestateofnerves):What?What?What?Whatonearthisit,man?Whatshappened?What?

Holly:Shehascomeback!

Leo:She?Whomdoyoumean?Who?

Holly:Braceup,mydearoldchap.Ayesha.

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Leo(springingintotheair):What!!

Holly:Itsafact.ItsintheMail,andallthepapers.

Leo:But,confoundit,man,youknowaswellasIdothatshewasburnttoacinder.Westoodandwatchedherdoit.

Holly:Imawfullysorry.WouldhavepreventeditifIcould.Itsallthefaultofthesenovelists.Haggard,dontyouknow,readthatSherlockHolmeshadntreallyfallenoverthecliff,sohedidntseewhyheshouldnttrythesamegame.SaidhewaspreparedtoresurrectcharactersagainstDoyleanydayintheweek.SoitseemsShewasntburntafterall.TheladywesawshrivelupwasaMissJaneSmith,herdouble.SisterofJohnSmith.Itrunsinthefamily.

Leo:Butwhatthedooceisgoingtohappen?However(hopefully),shedoesntknowmyaddress.

Holly(hesitatingly):Well,thefactis,oldmanbraceup,sheerinshort,shedoes.Haggardgaveittoher.

Leo:Andnowonmywedding-daysheturnsup!Oh,itsalittlehard.And,byJingo!(Jumps.)

Holly:What?What?

Leo:Why,shesdeadcertaintobejealousofpoorlittleMolly.Andwhenshesjealousyouknowwhatthatmeans!Shellsimplyelectrocuteher,asshedidthatothergirlThingummy.YouknowthegirlImean.

Holly(thoughtfully):Ye-e-s.Therewillcertainlybeunpleasantness.

Leo:Buthalfasecond,Holly,Ivegotit.IfIremember,youwerefondofheryourself.

Holly(blushing):WellerThereweremomentsThatistosayInshortOfcourse,Idontnythatshehadattractions,thoughhardlyinmyline.Ipreferyourslim,small,jollylittlebrown-hairedtypeofgirl,withdarkblueeyes,dontyouknow.She

wouldbehavelikeSarahBernhardt.

Leo:Well,anyhow,forthesakeofapalcutmeout,oldman.TakehertoCambridge,andshowhertheBacks.TakeheruptothetopofKings,andshowhertheview.Thenbreakittohergentlythatallisover,andsoon.See?What?

Holly(stiffly):MydearLeo,itisimpossible.Sheusedtomakepunsonmyname.

(Theystandlookingatoneanotherinsilence.Thereisaknockatthedoor.)

Leo:Yes?

TheLandlady(inherNo7voice,theshockedandsurprised):MrVincey,thereisastrangeladya-waitingforyouinthesitting-room,andshesaysshesgoingtowaittillsheseesyou.

Holly:Didshegivehername?

TheLandlady:Yes,sir.NameofAsher.

[RapidCurtain.]

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