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I

FLIES

AND

BUTTERFLIES

II

FLIES AND BUTTERFLIES

How to become a kinder, more loving person

A practical thought process on how you can improve your relationships with other

people, (starting at home)

and make the world (at least your world) a better place.

King David

I will try to walk a blameless path, but how I need your help, especially in my own

home, where I long to act as I should. Psalm 101:2 TLB

© 2015 John Hendee

III

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to our daughter, Amber Riddell.

She is one of the best models of treating people like butterflies that I know.

Since she was old enough to go to school she would always say to us when she

left the house, “I love you”, and when she came home she repeated it.

That always sort of amazed me. I was pleased. But then I had to ask myself,

“Where did she learn that?” Sad to say it wasn’t from us. While there was no

doubt that we loved, we certainly didn’t express it or verbalize it daily as well as

she did.

And as I have seen her grow up, marry, have her own children and go out and

interact with the world, I know few people who sincerely and genuinely show love

and patience like she does.

She inspires me.

IV

Introduction;

We all want to be loved and accepted. A huge part of being loved is being loving.

I think most people see themselves as loving, at least from their perspective.

Such is not always the case.

How true is the saying in Proverbs 16:2 “All a man’s ways seem innocent to

him….” We all like to see ourselves as kind and loving but what we think we are

is not always the reality.

You are about to do an examination, a self introspection if you please as to how

loving you might really be with the hopes that whatever you find, you will discover

even better ways to become a more loving person, thus benefiting yourself and

those around you.

It is un-measurable on a global scale; how much damage is done to societies,

countries, cities, businesses, teams, clubs, schools, universities, neighborhoods

and families because of a lack of love on the part of humans and the poor ways

we treat others, even those in our own homes.

How can we change the world? Is it with new laws, a new political party, a new

revolution or religion, social media or global campaign of some kind? I think it will

only happen when we work on ONE person at a time. And we have to start with

ourselves. When one and then two people see how to be more loving in their

arena of life and then others join them, a difference can be made.

V

I doubt that most of feel like we will ever make a big impact on the whole world

but that is no reason not to seek to make a positive difference where we are and

as far beyond as possible. It has to start with one. If we can just make our small

part of the world a more loving place that will be an invaluable positive addition to

the history of mankind.

If you are looking for a quick read to get done with and throw on the pile of

‘reads’, don’t bother reading any further.

If you are looking for a simple but serious ‘game changer’, a life changer, then

read on.

Let’s press on and learn more about loving more sincerely.

For more love,

John Hendee

I DON’T LIKE WORKBOOKS. But this is sort of one. It is rather simple but I

believe the benefits can be enormous for you.

You can do this alone or better yet do this with a small group. Work through it

together. It is about relationships so while you can do it on your own and profit

from that I recommend that you do it in relationship with others in a group. It

could be with your family, work group, club, team, class, church, etc.

VI

INDEX

1. Thinking about Flies page 1

2. Thinking about Butterflies page 6

3. The tough question. page 10

4. What is treating someone like a fly look like? page 12

5. What does treating someone like a butterfly look like? page 15

6. How does being treated like a fly make a person feel? page 17

7. How do people perceive or think of a person who

treats them like a fly? page 19

8. How does being treated like a butterfly make a

person feel? page 22

9. How do people perceive or think of a person who

treats them like a butterfly? page 24

10. How we justify treating people like a fly. page 28

11. A review of your world of relationships. page 30

12. How we reject those who are different from us

and end up thinking them like flies. page 39

VII

13. How we shrink our world by excluding those

we see as flies. page 43

14. The fallacy of waiting for others to treat me right first. page 44

15. How to stop treating people like flies page 48

16. How to start treating people like butterflies page 53

17. Treating people like butterflies doesn’t mean

I’ll always agree with them. page 55

18. Treating people like butterflies doesn’t eliminate

the need for discipline, correction and

in some cases punishment. page 58

19. What do I do with feelings of annoyance,

irritation, anger, etc. page 59

20. Facing Issues of abuse; setting limits page 60

21. Let’s wrap this up and start to change. page 62

1

Chapter One

THINKING ABOUT FLIES

I have a series of questions for you. Don’t be in a rush to answer them too

quickly. Think about them and even take the time to write down your answers.

Let them sink in a little.

First, what do you think of when you THINK of flies? What words come to your

mind? How would you describe a fly?

This is a WORD association game.

Write down the words below:

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

2

*

Did you come up with any of these words?

Dirty

Germs

Pests

Nasty

Irritating

Annoying

Maggot machines

Undesirable

Molesting

Life would be better without them.

They are an unwanted part of nature/life.

To be avoided

To keep away, at a distance

To have no contact with

They are everywhere

They ‘bug’ me

They are distractions

Flies don’t conjure up pretty thoughts. We don’t kill them, save them and then pin

them on boards to be kept behind glass to hang on our living room wall so we

can enjoy their beauty.

3

Second, what are you likely to SAY if a fly lands on your plate of food. Keep this

limited to what you would SAY!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

4

Did you come up with things like:

Get off there!

Shoo fly!

Ugghhhh,

Gagg.

Hey, that’s my food.

Disgusting.

Well, throw this food out.

Can you imagine the last thing he was standing on out in the yard with the

dogs?

The last thing we want is for a fly to land on is OUR food.

Third, what are you going to DO if a fly lands on your food? Make a list of your

possible reactions or actions:

*

*

*

*

*

*

5

*

Did you come up with a list of things such as?

Make an ugly face.

Shout at it.

Scream.

Swat at it trying to get it to leave.

Blow on it hoping it will go away.

Try to catch it by swiping your cupped hand over the food.

Try to kill it some how.

Spit on it; that is if it landed on someone else’s plate (joke)

You probably aren’t going to smash it into your food, but you want to get it off as

soon as possible.

Have you ever noticed what happens at times when you try and swish a fly

away? It will often come back buzzing with a vengeance. Now you ticked it off.

It is angry. It had just found food and you are trying to chase it away. It means

war.

Sometimes they come back with friends. They are persistent in their fight for

food.

Ah flies. We have swatters to smash them, chemicals to spray them with, sticky

strips we can hang to catch them with, bottles and traps they can enter and not

get out of, repellents to keep them away.

But flies are flies. Nasty, irritating, molesting.

6

Chapter Two

THINKING ABOUT BUTTERFLIES

I have another series of questions for you. Don’t be in a huge rush in answering

them. Think about it and even take the time to write down your answers. Let

your thoughts sink in a little.

First, what do you think of when you THINK of butterflies? What words come to

your mind? Write them down below:

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

7


Beautiful

Fragile

Unique

Delicate

Awe inspiring

Enjoyable

Peaceful

Special

Valuable

Calming

Amazing

Butterflies conjure up pretty thoughts. As children we were told you can’t touch

their wings or you will wipe off the powder and they won’t be able to fly.

Some people find dead ones and pin them on boards to put behind glass frames

to hang on the living room wall to continue to enjoy their beauty for months or

years.

Now, what are you likely to SAY if a butterfly lands on your plate of food. Keep

this limited to what you would SAY!

*

*

*

8

Did you come up with things like:

Oh, what a surprise.

Look at that.

Don’t scare it.

Let’s watch it for a while.

That is so beautiful.

That is amazing.

I love butterflies.

Isn’t this cool?

We aren’t concerned about germs, or where they last stood. They were probably

pollinating a flower of plant, not digging in dog poop or garbage.

Third, what are you going to DO if a butterfly lands on your food? Make a list of

your possible reactions, actions:

*

*

*

*

*

*

9

*

Did you come up with a list of things such as:

Nothing…

You just want to watch it.

You tell others to leave it alone and don’t scare it.

You enjoy it.

You might get the camera to take a picture.

You might slowly reach your hand out and see if you can get it to climb onto your

fingers.

You will be disappointed when it finally flies off to its next destination.

Butterflies are one of the beautiful things on the earth. There is such a variety of

them and they are so colorful like tropical fish and many kinds of birds. They are

like flowers; such a variety and most of them are beautiful. We love their beauty

and they add value to life.

10

Chapter Three

NOW FOR THE TOUGH QUESTION

We are going to get right to the point. Remember the topic we are considering is

being kind and loving? It is time for a deeper look.

Are you ready for this?

Take a deep breath.

How do you treat the most important people in your life?

Like a fly or like a butterfly?

Just let that sink in for a while.

Be honest.

You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by being

dishonest about it.

Let’s do a self examination.

While none of us are perfect, life is an opportunity for us to grow, mature and

become more humane, kind and loving to those around us.

Most people are very selective in whom they will love. If you are on their ‘good

list’ they will favor you with signs of kindness but if you are on their ‘black list’

watch out.

11

Most people are very selective in whom they love and are kind to.

It varies but normally:

If you are pretty, you will be ‘in’ with most others.

If you are athletic you are ‘in’.

If you get good grades you are ‘in’.

If you cooperative, polite and obedient you are ‘in’.

If you are talented you are ‘in’.

If you are rich you are ‘in’ and you will be treated better than most others.

I hear stories of even hardened killers and dictators who can be very kind and

loving to some of those in their inner circles. But they do immeasurable damage

to the rest of the world around them.

And then there are those who treat those who are part of their daily lives worse

than their enemies; they treat them like flies, as if they are annoyances, irritating,

unwanted, undesirable, as if life would be better without them around messing

things up for them all the time, always getting in their way.

Most of those kind of people don’t get it. They don’t see it. Their

behavior is ‘normal’ for them. But that doesn’t make it right or good. What is

normal for them is for most, ABNORMAL. The abnormal has become common

place for them. It SEEMS right to them.

12

Chapter Four

HOW DO WE TREAT SOMEONE WHEN WE TREAT THEM LIKE A FLY?

Make your list first.

If you are in a group let each person write their list and then share them together

with the whole group and see how long a list you can make.

Then go to the next page to see if you missed any of the items there.

How do we treat someone when we treat them like a fly?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

13

I AM TREATING SOMEONE LIKE A FLY WHEN:

I don’t give consideration to how they feel.

I believe my way of thinking, doing, living and talking is always better than theirs.

I judge them and their motives while I may not really know what is going on in

their life.

I put them down because they think or act differently.

I punish them in some way because I consider myself better.

I don’t listen to them.

I intimidate them through looks, actions, criticisms, etc.

My communication with them is filled with commands, directions and

often snide comments.

I don’t forgive them for their errors.

I keep reminding them of how they have failed me in the past.

I treat them as if they aren’t important or at least as important as I am.

I treat them as if they aren’t needed, or necessary.

I treat them as if they are disposable, as if life would be better if they didn’t exist

(or at least out of MY way.).

I treat them as if they are an annoyance to me, my life, my way of doing things,

my belief system.

I treat them as if I would like to have a spray to make them stay away or disap-

pear.

I treat them like they are an irritation in my life.

I treat them like they are an annoyance in my life.

I talk to them in demeaning, mean ways.

I call them ‘names’.

I swear at them.

I’m physically or verbally abusive of them.

14

What can you add to this list?

*

*

*

15

Chapter Five

HOW DO I TREAT SOMEONE WHEN I TREAT THEM LIKE A

BUTTERFLY?

Make your own list first.

Don’t rush it.

If you are in a group let each person write things down and then share them

together with the whole group and see how long a list you can make.

Then go on to the next page and see if there is anything you can add to your list.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

16

I treat them with respect.

I see the potential in them and not just their weaknesses.

I seek to be understanding, while not accepting inappropriate behavior.

I don’t judge their motives…I don’t really know them.

I listen.

I consider their point of view even if I don’t or can’t accept it.

I don’t treat them like garbage or someone ‘disposable’.

I see beyond our differences to see that there is a soul to be loved.

I look for what there is to praise and complement rather than just to

criticize and tear down.

I forgive and give them second chances.

If they are abusing me, I must share that and take steps to protect myself, without

needing to destroy them and embitter myself.

I treat them:

As if they have value

As if they have something to add to society.

As one I would like to spend time with and maybe get to know better.

Are there any other things you would add to this list?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

17

Chapter Six

HOW DOES BEING TREATED LIKE A FLY MAKE ONE FEEL?

Make your own list.

If you are a group let each person write things down and then share them togeth-

er with the whole group and see how long a list you can make.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Let’s look at the list on the next page.


Defeated

Discouraged

Disappointed

Weakened

Demeaned

18

Depressed

Undesirable

Useless

Unloved

Unworthy

Painful

Hurt

Alone

Angry

Bitter

Rejected

Unappreciated

Lonely

Sad

Depressed

Abandoned

Throw in the towel; give up

Revengeful

Rebellious

Resentful

Low self esteem

Abused

Undesirable

Pick five of the above which have touched or affected your life the most?

1 2

3 4

5

19

Chapter Seven

HOW DO PEOPLE SEE OR PERCEIVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS THEM LIKE

A FLY?

Make your own list.



*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

20

*

*

Did you come up with any of these?

Arrogant

Mean

Selfish

Demeaning

Vindictive

Trouble makers

Critical

Negative

Intolerant

Judgmental

Ugly

Scary

Dangerous

To be avoided

Ignorant

Foolish

Inconsiderate

Unloving

Uncompassionate

Lacking understanding

Impatient

Immature

Insensitive

Pick three of those which you think might be the most likely that some others

would use to describe you at times.

21

1

2

3

Do you like the thought that others might see you in any of those ways?

22

Chapter Eight

HOW DOES BEING TREATED LIKE A BUTTERFLY MAKE SOMEONE FEEL?

Make your list first.



*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

23

Did you come up with any of these?

Loved

Appreciated

Encouraged

Valued

Supported

Motivated

Warm

Happy

Understood

Worthy

Important

Pick out the five which you have felt most often in your life?

1___________

2___________

3___________

4___________

5___________

24

Chapter Nine

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBEA PERSON WHO TREATS OTHERS

LIKE A BUTTERFLY?

Write you list first.



*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

25

Did you write down any of the following?

Kind

Considerate

Loving

Patient

Understanding

Appreciative

Motivating

Encouraging

Protective

Considerate

Supportive

Gracias

Mature

Respectful

Trustworthy

Humble

Courteous

Grateful

Desirable

Just

Fair

Sensitive

Understanding

26

If you can think of them, list 5 different people who have treated you like a butter-

fly.

And list under them 3 of the words from the list that describe how they treated

you.

1 _____________

A

B

C

2 _____________

A

B

C

3 _____________

A

B

C

4 _____________

A

B

C

5 _____________

A

B

C

27

Pick out 5-7 of the traits above that you think best describe:

A. How you treat other people in general

1

2

3

4

5

B. Pick out your top five which describe how you would like to be known for

treating others

1

2

3

4

5

C. Who do you need to make more serious efforts to treat like a butterfly?

How do you treat them now? What needs to change?

1

2

3

4

5

28

Chapter 10

Justifying Our Treating People like Flies

In what ways do we justify or excuse our treating people like flies? Write them

down.

Write down your ideas first.



*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

29

Are any of the following on your list?

Well, they deserve it.

I have a head ache.

They just keep doing it again and again.

That is what they deserve.

I can’t help myself.

What do they expect?

I don’t feel good.

They were mean to me first.

I just don’t like them, what can I say.

Hey, I’m only human. Give me a break.

I’m just telling the truth!!!!

Someone has to do it.

While some of those might be true, they really don’t justify our treating others like

flies.

30

Chapter Eleven

A REVIEW OF YOUR WORLD OF RELATIONSHIPS

Let’s get busy ladies and gentlemen. Time is wasting away. There is life to lived

and there are people to love. Let’s work our way through a list of people that you

might have in your life. Pick the ones that apply to you and respond to the ques-

tions. The goal is to see how to become more loving, how to treat people more

like a butterfly and less like a fly.

A. If you are married, what about your mate.

Remember how it was before you married?

What do you currently THINK about your mate?

Are there any negative thoughts that you hide from them or you might even say

to them?

Do you need to get rid of those negative thoughts?

Do you need to accept your mates’ differences?

Do you need to forgive them for things they have done to you?

Do you need to focus on yourself more and how you can be a blessing to them in

their life?

Are you living to make their life richer and helping them feel more loved or from

your perspective do they just exist to do that to you?

Do you “think at times” that life would be better without them around? Can you

see how that controls how you act?

Do you constantly judge and criticize them in your mind?

How do you TALK to them? Critical, scolding, bossing, whining, complaining,

31

attacking, threatening, sharp, sarcastic, etc.

What do you DO with or toward them? How to you TREAT them?

Look over the list on page 20.

B. If you are a parent, what about your kids?

What do you THINK about your kids? Do you think they’re stupid, irritating and

just messing up your life?

What do you SAY to them? How do you talk to them?

Critical, scolding, bossing, whining, complaining, blaming, demeaning, sharp,

sarcastic, etc?

What do you DO to or toward them? Look over the list.

C. If you are a young person, what about your parents?

What do you THINK about your parents?


Critical, scolding, bossing, whining, complaining, demeaning, sharp, sarcastic,

etc?

What do you DO with or toward them? Look over the list.

D. If you are a brother or sister, what about your sibling (s)?

32

What do you THINK about your sibling?



etc?


E. If you are a grandparent, what about your grandchildren?

What do you THINK about your grandchildren?


Critical, scolding, bossing, whining, complaining, demeaning, sharp,

sarcastic, etc?


F. If you are an in-law, cousin, uncle or aunt, what about your rela-

tives?

What do you THINK about your relative?



etc?


33

G. If you are a boss, what about your employees?

What do you THINK about your employee?



etc?


H. If you are an employee, what about your boss?

What do you THINK about your boss?



etc?


I. If you are an employee, what about your associates?

What do you THINK about your associates?



etc?

34


J. If you are a student,

What do you THINK about your professor?



etc?


K. If you are a team member,

What do you THINK about your team mate or your coach?



etc?


L. If you are a club member,

What do you THINK about your club members?



etc?

35


M. If you are a neighbor,

What do you THINK about your neighbor?



etc?


M. If you are part of a political party,

What do you THINK about your party members? Or those of opposing parties?



etc?


N. If you are a teacher,

What do you THINK about your students?

36



etc?


O. If you are a student,

What do you THINK about your class mates?



etc?


P. If you are a government official, judge, policeman, guard, etc.

What do you THINK about the people you serve?



etc?


Q. If you are a prisoner,

37

What do you THINK about your guards, etc?



etc?


R. If you are clerk, waiter….

What do you THINK about your customers?



etc?


S. If you are a client

What do you THINK about those that serve you?



etc?


38

T. If you are a ___________ You fill in the blank.

What do you THINK about them?



etc?

What do you DO to or toward them? Look over the list

39

Chapter Twelve

A DEEPER LOOK AT FLY PEOPLE

Do you treat people who think differently, do things differently, talk differently, look

differently, live differently as if they are a fly in your life?

What about those who don’t share your:

Ideas

Philosophies

Theologies

Faith/religion

Interests

Political views

What about those who have different;

Personalities

Styles

Habits

Race

Nationality

Customs

Culture

Body type/size

Beauty

Abilities or talents

Attitudes

Activities

40

Social group

Social class

Economic class

Age

Morals

Sexual orientation

Political party

Religion

Sports team

Style of dress; hair style

Tattoos, piercings

Immigrants

Street people

School

Careers

Education

Intelligence

Other________

Pick out the ‘top five’ groups that you are more than likely to think of and treat as

flies; People you look down on and are critical of for being different.

1

2

3

4

5

Do you treat them as if they are?

An irritation

Annoying

A Pest

Ugly

41

Unnecessary

As if life would be better without them around?

Do you reject them?

Think less of them,

Talk meaner to them,

Treat them harsher because they are different from you?

Hummmm.

Have you ever been treated like you were a fly in someone’s life?

How were you treated by them?

Describe the treatment:

1

2

3

4

5

How did/does that make you feel? How did/do you respond to that?

1 __________________ __________________________

2 __________________ __________________________

42

3 __________________ __________________________

4 __________________ __________________________

5 __________________ __________________________

43

Chapter Thirteen

SHRINKING OUR WORLD BY AVOIDING OR REJECTING OTHERS WE THINK

OF AS FLIES.

Every time we think of a person or a people group as flies, we normally

will seek to avoid them and our thinking or treatment of them naturally results in

our shrinking our world of contacts.

We cut ourselves off from them.

We avoid them. And they in turn may avoid us.

We condemn, criticize, demean and belittle them and in turn we cut

them off.

This can happen with groups and with individuals, even with people in

our own family.

What kinds of people or groups have you intentionally shut out of your life of

contacts?

1

2

3

4

5

6

44

Chapter Fourteen

THE ERROR OF WAITING FOR OTHERS TO TREAT ME RIGHT

BEFORE I TREAT THEM RIGHT.

I remember reading an illustration about two kinds of people.

It said that one kind of person is like a THERMOMETER and another is like a

THERMOSTAT.

A thermometer simply reflects what the temperature already is. If it is ‘hot’, it

will show ‘hot’. If the temperature is cold, the thermometer will reflect the ‘cold’

and be cold itself. Anyone can do that. If another person is mean, caustic, cruel,

un-thoughtful or whatever we just react with the same attitude or character they

treat us with. That takes no effort, creativity or

character on our part.

Then there is the thermostat. If the temperature is ‘cold’, the thermostat can

warm things us. If it is ‘hot’, the thermostat can cool things down. There are

special people like that. It is our choice as to whether we are a thermometer or

thermostat.

If someone treats us like a fly in their life, we can treat them equally bad, or

worse. But rare and special is the person that doesn’t let the others attitude or

behavior control how they think and act.

If I just respond in the same way others treat me negatively then they are in con-

trol of my life, not me. I am letting them determine what kind of person I will be

and I have submitted myself to their control and behavior.

45

And if I wait for the other person to change their negative way of behaving before

I change my negative ways, I will likely never change in the most important areas

of my life and I PUT the OTHER in control of my life. That really is silly.

I ran across this article many years ago. It speaks to the point.

Being An Actor Instead Of A Reactor

by Sidney Harris, syndicated columnist

I walked with my friend, a Quaker, to the newsstand the other night and

he bought a paper, thanking the newsman politely. The newsman didn’t even

acknowledge it.

“A sullen fellow, isn’t he?” I commented.

“Oh, he’s that way every night,” shrugged my friend.

“Then why do you continue being so polite to him?” I asked.

“Why not?” inquired my friend. “Why should I let him decide how I’m

going to act?”

As I thought about this little incident later, it occurred to me that the

operating word was “act.” My friend “acts” toward people; most of us react toward

them.

He has a sense of inner balance lacking in most of us frail and uncertain

creatures; he knows who he is, what he stands for, and how he should behave.

No boor is going to disturb the equilibrium of his nature; he simply refuses to

return incivility with incivility, because then he would no longer be in command of

his own conduct, but a mere responder to others.

When we are enjoined in the Bible to return good for evil, we look upon

this as a moral injunction, which it is; but it is also a psychological prescription for

our emotional health.

Nobody is unhappier than the perpetual reactor. His center of emotional

gravity is not rooted within himself, where it belongs, but in the world outside him.

46

His spiritual temperature is always being raised or lowered by the social climate

around him, and he is a mere creature at the mercy of these elements.

Praise gives him a feeling of euphoria, which is false, because it does

not last and it does not come from self-approval. Criticism depresses him more

than it should, because it confirms his own secretly shaky opinion of himself.

Snubs hurt him, and the merest suspicion of unpopularity in any quarter rouses

him to bitterness, aggressiveness or complaint.

Only a saint, of course, never reacts. But a serenity of spirit cannot be

achieved until we become the masters of our own actions and attitudes, and not

merely the passive reactors to other persons’ feelings. To let another determine

whether we shall be rude or gracious, elated or depressed, is to relinquish control

over our own personalities, which is ultimately all we possess. The only true pos-

session is self-possession.

My friend is a model of balanced conduct, and few of us can hope to

attain his kind of surefootedness. But we can at least adjust our weight to lean

less heavily upon the world’s giddy gyrations.

A butterfly has a calming effect. We can stay focused on the issues at hand and

not get caught up in an emotional frenzy.

I remember returning home from a trip to South America. I was changing planes

in Miami. There were several mess ups with the airline I was flying with. An

entire plane full of people became irate over the situation. We had to spend the

night in Miami. And then the next morning we had to go from one line to another

in order to finally get the right connections we needed to get home. Everyone

was tired and very irritated.

47

As I was standing in one line, I observed an African American lady, I’m guessing

about 50 years old. Most of the people were speaking angrily to her as she was

trying to help people get through the line and on their way. Now their being in

this situation wasn’t her fault. I watched her for some time and I was admiring

her calm way of responding. I’m afraid to say that if it had been me trying to deal

with the demands and anger of the people, I would have been inclined to punch

someone in the nose (and I never have in my whole life; but I would have made

an exception that day!).

When I finished getting my reassigned ticket I determined that I had to fight my

way back through the angry throngs to seek out this woman and tell her how

much I admired her spirit and self control in dealing with the people. It was

amazing. She became a model and heroin in my life.

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Chapter Fifteen

HOW TO STOP TREATING PEOPLE LIKE FLIES

1. Don’t act like you are an all knowing god.

2. Don’t act like you are perfect, have it all together, never fail and are thus

qualified to be everyone else’s Judge. God is judge.

3. Acknowledge any of your demeaning ways of thinking of or treating

others.

4. Confess those behaviors to God and to those you have been treating in

those ways.

5. Express your desire to change.

6. Make a change.

7. Change the way you think about those you are treating like flies.

Which of your thoughts/attitudes need to change?

NEED TO DROP/STOP Fly thinking

REPLACE WITH THIS….Butterfly thinking

Those who are different from me are unworthy of good treatment, time, attention

or love.

Those who are different from me are all bad.

Those who don’t believe like me.

should be rejected by me.

Those who have different habits are doing things their way simply to annoy ME.

I don’t need to be kind and loving to others unless they deserve it.

If others want me to be nice to them, they need to be nice to me.

Fly irritates me, thus I will irritate them.

If Fly is nice to me, I’m nice to Fly.

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If Fly changes their way of thinking, acting, believing and then I’ll treat them like

a butterfly. Until then, I’ll avoid them, criticize them, and gossip about them, treat

them poorly.

8. Start talking to others differently.

What are some of your ways of talking to others that need to stop?

What would be better ways to talk to them?

How can you learn how to communicate with those who are different from you?

Listen

Don’t judge

Don’t attack them on their differences.

If they are interested in hearing why you believe, live or practice what

you do, share it with them, kindly, gently, politely.

Several years ago we spent a couple weeks in Yosemite Park.

I was working on some books. Every morning I got up early and went to a lodge

where they had internet connections and I worked on my books.

One day I got into a conversation with a writer for one of the major newspapers

in San Francisco. He was there doing an investigative report on pollution or

something.

During our conversation a topic (I don’t remember what it was) came up on

which we had very different and opposing views. It became obvious early into

the conversation about that topic and it started taking on an argumentative or

combative mood.

At one point, before it really got very far he said the following:

50

“Oh, we just have different opinions.”

The argument ended. It was over. I was so amazed. I was very frustrated that

I wasn’t the one who had said that. I have admired him and his way of dealing

with our difference’s ever since. I’m sure he runs into that a lot of differing opin-

ions with other people as a writer for a paper.

Oh, we just have different views, practices, styles, beliefs.

Oh, we just have different personalities, we were raised

differently, we have different faith views, etc.

Jesus said, “32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even

sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good

to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to

those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners

lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good

to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your

reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is

kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Luke 6:32-36

How about having an ‘invite someone over night’ every week. I’m not

talking about your family and good friends but those you might not normally think

about inviting over because they are very different and you know it.

Get to know them.

Show interest in them.

Ask them questions. Listen.

It might change our lives and their lives

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How about having a ‘take them out to lunch’ day every week.

I would recommend that as a couple or men with men and

women with women so intentions aren’t miss read.

If it is with someone you have been at odds with, tell them you want to have a

better relationship.

If you have treated them poorly, ask them to forgive you.

Tell them you are wanting to change the way you treat others,

and in particular, them.

Ask them to share with you when you are acting weird, disrespectful or unkind

toward them.

9. Start treating them differently.

What body language needs to be stopped or changed?

What physical actions need to stop (yelling, hitting, throwing things, ignoring,

not talking, sighing, rolling your eyes back, making faces, turning away, crying,

yelling, screaming, moaning, groaning, locking yourself in the bathroom, etc.)

Make a list.

What can they be replaced with?

This would be butterfly treatment, actions.

*

*

*

*

*

*

52

Now let’s come back to us.

Once again, who have you been treating like a fly?

Make a list of anyone, from the past or present that you have treated like a fly in

your life.

*

*

*

*

*

What are you going to do about it?

53

Chapter 16

IT IS OUR DECISION; WE DECIDE WHETHER WE WILL TREAT SOMEONE

LIKE A BUTTERFLY OR A FLY.

While our upbringing (how we were raised and treated), our learned reactions to

others attitudes or behaviors, our current state of health (migraine head aches,

flu, suffering from something), etc. might affect our reactions and the way we

treat people, in the end, the way we treat others is a personal decision.

We have free CHOICE and it our decision or our choice as to how we treat oth-

ers.

It struck me one day that part of this whole issue is our view of life.

IN MY MIND, DO OTHERS EXIST SIMPLY TO PLEASE ME AND MAKE ME

HAPPY? Or do I exist in order to be a blessing to others, to seek to make life

better for them, to please them in legitimate ways, to help make their life pleasant

as a result of the way I treat them?

If others exist in my mind ONLY to make me happy, to please me in all they do,

then every time they fail, I’ll be annoyed and unhappy with them and more likely

to treat them as a fly.

We might be blind to how we treat others. We might not get it.

How can we find out how we are really treating others?

Do an honest search.

Ask others; that is really the best way.

Ask your family members. In many cases they will be afraid to

54

answer for fear it is a trap and you will retaliate.

Have them go down the list of fly treatment and check off the ones you

use.

Are there things you do that aren’t on the list.

LISTEN.

Thank them.

Don’t make excuses for yourself. Listen.

Don’t defend yourself. Listen.

And then go and reflect on what they have shared.

This is how you are perceived.

You can argue about it for months, but that won’t change the fact that is how you

are perceived.

The only way you can change the perception is to change your thinking about

others and then your behavior.

Ask them to forgive you for having treated them in those ways.

Tell them you want to change and need their help. Ask them if they would tell

you any time you are treating them like a fly.

And if and when you repeat the fly behaviors, confess it, ask them to forgive you

and tell them you are working on this and really want to change.

And then CHANGE. Your words will be empty if there is no change.

55

Chapter Seventeen

TREATING PEOPLE LIKE A BUTTERFLY DOESN’T MEAN YOU WILL ALWAYS

AGREE WITH THEM AND THEIR IDEAS, ACTIONS OR LIFE STYLE…

But it does mean that I will be:

Polite

Courteous and,

Respectful toward them during any interaction I have with them, regardless of

how they treat you.

Their living a different life style, having different habits, a different outlook on life

or different morals doesn’t mean we have to run them down, attack them, judge

them, criticize them, demean them, ignore them, or belittle them.

It is interesting that we see Jesus hanging out with people who had very different

life views and practices than he did.

Luke 5:27-32

27 After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at

his tax booth. “Follow me,” Jesus said to him, 28 and Levi got up, left everything

and followed him.

29 Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of

tax collectors and others were eating with them. 30 But the Pharisees and the

teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why

do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?”

Jesus was a master at being with people who were very imperfect without treat-

ing them like ‘flies’ in his life. They felt loved by him. He became a way for them

to find a better life. “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?”

56

Because he loved them and wanted to help them.

Verse 31 following above says, ‘Jesus answered them, “It is not for the healthy

who need a doctor but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners

to repent.”

Now isn’t that interesting. He called sinners to repent but he did it in such a way

without treating them like flies. THEY invited him to their homes and threw a

banquet in his honor!!!!

Now what kind of doctor avoids sick people? And what kind of doctor is going to

help heal people if he is continuing belittling them for their life style that might be

contributing to their illnesses?

A doctor shows interest, is willing to expose himself to others illnesses, and is

committed to helping them get well in a positive way. Oh yes, there are doctors

with terrible bed side manners. Jesus wasn’t one of them.

Have any sinners held a banquet to honor you for your treatment of them? This

cuts me to the bone.

While Jesus didn’t accept the ‘sinners’ sinful way of life and he didn’t pick it up

and copy it in order to be accepted by them, he did love them and risked being

with them and in the end he changed the lives of many of them.

I can disagree in a respectful manner.

I don’t know what factors have shaped their beliefs, attitudes, life style and life

choices.

57

And I’m not perfect either. I don’t do everything right.

“Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone.”

58

Chapter Eighteen

TREATING PEOPLE LIKE A BUTTERFLY DOESN’T ELIMINATE THE

NEED FOR TEACHING, DISCIPLINE, CORRECTION, CONFRONTATION OR

MAYBE EVEN PUNISHMENT FOR IMMATURE, IRRESPONSABLE, OR DAM-

AGING BEHAVIOR

But it will change the way I go about doing such things.

There are times as parents, mates, teachers, bosses, leaders, or friends

that we need to confront someone else’s unacceptable or maybe even criminal

behavior. But it can be done without our trying to destroy the person in the pro-

cess. Just deal with the facts.

It might be sharing that their behavior or attitude is unacceptable and it

needs to change. And if it doesn’t there are consequences.

There aren’t times when someone needs to be disciplined, corrected,

arrested, sentenced, put on probation, sent to jail, fired, dropped, etc. But when

those times present themselves to us we can control the way we communicate

with them in the process.

If I act like a fly or treat others like a fly, I’m agitating the situation and maybe

making it worse.

59

Chapter Ninteen

WHAT DO I DO WITH FEELINGS OF ANNOYANCE and IRRITATION

We are human. We will have a huge mix of feelings in life and many of them will

be negative.

We need to re-educate ourselves from “fly” ways of thinking and treating people

that have been taught or modeled to us by:

Our families; parents, grandparents, adopted parents, siblings, relatives, mate

Social groups; clubs, teams, gangs, peers, tv,

Our culture

Friends

Bosses

Communities

Heros

Athletes

Hollywood stars

When we see ‘fly beliefs, attitudes or actions in our lives we need to:

Acknowledge them.

Confess them.

Examine them.

Reject them.

Take control of our life.

Act the opposite of what our negative feelings are.

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Chapter Twenty

FACING ISSUES OF ABUSE; SETTING LIMITS.

Are there legitimate times to run for safety and shelter?

Yes.

Are there times to protect yourself against the evil?

Yes.

Are there times to protect your people?

Yes.

Are their times to protect your family? Yourself?

Yes and yes.

We need to know how to escape dangerous situations.

We need to be alert and ready to escape danger.

We need to be wise.

Choosing to treat others like a butterfly doesn’t mean I leave myself

vulnerable to potential or real abuse issues or danger.

There are abusive people in the world. There is a time to get out of harm’s way.

There is a time to confront someone about their behavior or attitude.

Some FLY TREATERS are really wicked wasps whose sting can do great harm.

Our choice to treat people like butterflies does not mean we have to tolerate

abusive behavior.

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PROVERBS ON FLIES AND BUTTERFLIES

An interesting activity is to read through the book of Proverbs in the Old Testa-

ment looking for proverbs that talk about people who treat others like flies and

how to treat people with respect. Read from the beginning to the end and make

a list. Take your time.

Maybe do a chapter a day. This would be a good group or family exercise.

List the verse Is it about ‘fly’ treatment? Is it about ‘nice’ treatment?

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CHAPTER 21

LET’S WRAP THIS UP AND START TO CHANGE…

Take a look about your world.

How do you see people treating others in mean, nasty ways?

Watch the news.

Watch at work and school.

Watch at sporting events.

Read the internet news.

How are governments acting toward other governments?

How are governments treating their own people?

How do political parties treat those of other parties?

How do people of different religions treat those of other religions?

How do people of one denomination treat those of others?

How do people of one business treat those of another?

How do people of one school/university treat those of another?

How do people of one pro team treat those of another?

How do those of one race treat those of another?

How do those of one nationality treaty those of another?

How do those of one economic group treat those of another?

How do those of one age group treat those of another?

How do those of different sexual orientations treat those who are different?

How do those who are of the same family treat others in their family like flies

because they do things differently?

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How many other groups can you list that treat others like flies because they are

different?

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Are you part of any group that is busy fighting, attacking, belittling, gossiping,

slandering, lying, dividing, name calling, demeaning, making fun of, and judging

those who are different.

Change starts with ONE person.

Will you be that ONE?

OUR THOUGHTS OR THINKING leads to

WORDS, OR WHAT WE SAY ABOUT OTHERS, which leads to

ACTIONS, OR WHAT WE DO TO THEM.

To change our actions, and our words, we need to change what we think about

them.

64

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