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turrets helpsuccessfully disarm your vocabulary and learn to filter verbal outbursts

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pronunciation similes

best used: in bars at parties

best overt prefixes: you* you are a total* you are such a*

best subtle prefixes: oh* are you the* where is the* (quickly suffixed by) oh there you are.

best accompanying phrase: I simply meant that you do not have a mother

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barstuard*

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acronyms

best used: when parting company when leaving meetings by text message

best overt prefixes: you* you are a total* you are such a*

best subtle prefixes: yeah, definitely* * or maybe i’ll C-U-Next Thursday

best accompanying phrase: I think i’ll C-U-Next Time

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CNextU

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mix-ups

best used: when looking a peoples t-shirts when pretending to by dyslexic when being enthused by british football

best overt suffixes: * off * up * me * you * ing hell * wit * off (again)

best subtle use: point and laugh, while repeating*

best accompanying phrase: nah, thanks though

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fcuk*

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everyday words

best used: in a bank when an a associate is being cheap

best overt prefixes: you total*

best subtle prefixes: have you always been a*

best accompanying phrase: I always thought bankers went blind by your age

suitable alternatives: tanker puck muck duck

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anker*B

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rude normals

best used: when you’ve stubbed your toe in the veg isle

best overt uses: go away you* you’re really very * how * is that when the * hits the fan now you’re in deep*

best subtle uses: this restaurant we ate in was* have you ever used * to cook with, it suits your style

best accompanying phrase: nope i’m not into * like you are

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Shitaki mushrooms*

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ornithology

best used: on a farm or on a walk especially good in cars and trains

best overt prefixes: stop your warbling* did you see that*

best subtle prefixes: are you blue* did you see that pair of*

best accompanying phrase: did you hear that? sounds like a tit, oh no it was just you

suitable alternatives: cock thrush red breast boobie cracks

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tit*

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rhyming slang

best used: when trying to be a ‘londoner’ when you are discussing great bodies of water when you wish to disguise the fact you are talking rubbish when you wish to discourage others from conversing with you

best overt uses: * up ohh* that’s total*

best subtle use: be care full with*

best accompanying phrase: I always have had a special relationship with my*

suitable alternatives: brighton rock fillet of cod horse and cart thrupenny bits turkish delight

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niagera falls* (b

alls

)

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numbers up

best used: in emails and texts when gratifying stuff in letters to ex’s and bankers

best overt prefixes: it’s* I feel like* you smell like*

best subtle use: best avoided for subtlety

best accompanying phrase: sssssshhhhh, one tea

suitable alternatives: t3at whor3 g1t

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sh1t*

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foreigners

best used: with a fake foreign accent at those people with surveys outside M&S when police ask you to move your car

best overt suffixes: actually swear *

best subtle use: a load of foreign garble*

suitable alternatives: merde = sh1t pokeye = fcuk nichons = t1ts zorra = b1tch

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Malaca*

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spoonerisms

best used: when telling stories about made up people when pretending you have forgotten some ones name when filling in pointless forms

best overt prefixes: you have* you are a pair of*

best subtle prefix: have you ever known*

best accompanying phrase: you must know, you are always hanging around with*

suitable alternatives: cary hunt mary hinge joe blob

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bettyswallocks*

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if you can’t say anything nice... don’t say anything at all!

best used: all the time when you are really angry but still like the person you are arguing with when you know that, really, you are just in a grump

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