Human Sexuality

Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

Love

Considerable attention across disciplines

What is the nature of love?

“Love has been highly conceptualized and made very abstract” (Gage, 1976)

What Love is NOT

NOT (Firestone, Firestone & Catlett, 2006):

SelfishPossessiveDemandingProprietary right over othersSubmissive/dominantCoercive or manipulative

Sexuality and Love

Not addressed in Kinsey’s research

Currently:

Numerous studies on love and sex

Love

A complex emotion

The “paradox” of love: encompasses opposites

Love and Sexuality

Often intertwined

For many, love legitimates sex outside of marriage

Sex as an expression of love; to deepen the relationship (Cupach, 1990; Henderson-King, 1994)

Gender Differences:Sex and Love

Men: sex and love can be separated (Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985)

Women: less likely to engage in casual sex: love and sex are more closely linked

Sex and Love

Gay men:Especially likely to separate sex and love Intrinsic value to sex

Heterosexual men: similar?

Not as many willing partners (Blum, 1997)

Sex and Love

Lesbian relationships:

Sex is less frequent among lesbian couples, comparatively (Schureurs, 1993)

More likely to postpone sex until emotional intimacy is developed

Celibacy

Abstaining from sexual activity

Religious/spiritual dimensions, situational, personal, etc.

Enhanced appreciation of friendship functions of relationships

Asexuality

Absence of sexual attraction to others, or no desire to act on attractions

1% of the population

Underrepresented in research and movements

Capable of intimate relationships, free of sexuality; some prefer not to have relationships

Asexuality

An orientation

Research: asexuality exists in the animal kingdom; sheep studies

The question of pathology

Asexuality

Prause, 2003

Asexual people report:

Low sexual desireLow arousal/excitationMany engage in masturbation

Styles of Love

John Lee- sociologist

6 basic styles of love: reflect relationship styles

Assumption: It is best when we share a relationship style with our partner

Styles of Love

Mania: obsessive/possessive love; roller-coaster

Ludus: playful love: love is a game, not a deep emotion

Styles of Love

Storge: love between companions: from friendship to romance

Agape: chaste, patient, undemanding love; the love of saints/martyrs

Styles of Love

Pragma: practical/logical love; businesslike; looking for someone with specific characteristics

Hendrick & Hendrick: men are more ludic, women are more storgic/pragmatic

Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg: 3 elements of loveEach will increase/diminish over the course

of a relationship

Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment

Kinds of Love: Sternberg

Liking (intimacy only)

Infatuation (passion only)

Romantic love (intimacy and passion)

Kinds of Love

Companionate love (intimacy and commitment)

Empty love (commitment only)

Non love (absence of all three)

Attachment Theory (Pistole, Clark & Tubbs, 1995)

Adults with:

Secure attachments: trusting, accepting, supportive; 56% of adults

Attachment Theory

Anxious/Ambivalent attachments: afraid their partners would leave, want to commit prematurely; 19-20% of adults

Avoidant attachments: discomfort in close relationships; distrustful, fear dependence; 23-25% of adults

Jealousy

Often confused with love

Jealousy is associated with immaturity and insecurity (Pistole, 1995)

Is jealousy ever beneficial?

Jealousy

Often linked to relationship violence (Buss, 1999; Puente & Cohen, 2003)

Jealous aggression is often directed toward a partner (Paul & Galloway, 1994)

31% of women and 17% of men had intentionally elicited jealousy in a relationship (Buss, 2000)

Jealousy

Why do we become/want to make others jealous (Buss, 2000)?

Self esteemRevengeTo increase a partner’s commitmentTest the strength of the relationship

Jealousy

Generated by:

Personal insecurities/anxieties

Boundary violations in an relationship

Lasting love

Intimate love: lasting love; counting on the other partner; both partners have individual and relationship goals

Consists of:CommitmentCaring Self-disclosure

Communication

Active Listening:Open postures/leaning inEye contactNoddingReflection of contentReflection of feelings

Factors impacting communication

PersonalityRelationship contextCultureSubject matter

Non-verbal communication

Most communication of feeling is nonverbal (Guffey, 1999)

Body posture and movements

Nonverbal Communication

Eye contact and facial expressions

Interpersonal distance

Touching

Often overrides the verbal message

Gender and Communication

Women-

More sensitive/responsive during conversation and conflicts

Set the emotional tone- escalate or deescalate conflicts with verbal and nonverbal messages

Use of emotional appeals and threats

Use of qualifying statements

(Gottman & Carre, 2000; Klintetob & Smith, 1996, Noller & Fitzpatrick, 1991)

Gender and Communication

Men-

more likely to send negative messages, neutral messages, or to withdraw

Fewer words, more profanity

Deborah Tannen

Gendered Communication:

Deborah Tannen

Basic Premise:There are gender differences in

communication styles

These differences start in early childhood

Boys/Girls

Boys: play in groups; activity-driven

Girls: best friends; relationship-driven

Status and Connection

Men: power hierarchies: discourse is used to “one-up” or “one-down” each other

Women: collaborative: discourse to bring people closer or farther apart

Meta-message

Meta-message: what messages do we take away from what we hear?

Competitive/Cooperative

Both men/women are competitive and cooperative, but conversational rituals differ

“I’m Sorry”…

Women are more likely to use this phraseSorry it happened, not taking blame

Men- more likely to ascribe blame when “sorry” is uttered

Directness/Indirectness

Varies by gender based on context:

Women indirect when giving orders

Men indirect when describing emotional content

Public/Private Discourse

Women: likely to try to engage men in private discourses

Men: more likely to dominate conversation publicly

Qualifying Statements….

Based on CONTEXT

Gender is one of many factors;Ethnicity/cultureAgeSituation/contextPower