Jean Autobiography

8/14/2019 Jean Autobiography

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MY STORY

Jean Kim

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Contents

Chapter1 My Early Years 1

Chapter2 My Life Now 8

Chapter3 My Future 13

Chapter4 My Afterlife . 18

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Chapter 1

Looking back on my early years, it seems as if they were just a few years

ago, but time has gone by so fast, and the little girl that I once was has become

a middle-aged woman with two grown-up sons.

I was born in 1957 in Jinju, a small city in the southern province of South Korea.

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It was a modest and peaceful place with people who were usually calm and humble,

buildings that were not very big and tall, and streets that were not very wide and busy.

The only big and wide things were the river slowly flowing through the town and

the bamboo forest on one side of it. They said that the river and the sound of

winds from the forest made people make poems, draw paintings, and sing

songs. Everything there seemed to be quiet, but still there were a few sounds I

remember. One of them was a long, long soft siren across the neighborhood

everyday at noon, and it was from somewhere we children didn’t know. When

this sound came to the people, perhaps mostly having no clocks at home, they

knew it was noon-time. Another sound still in my mind was church bells on

Sunday mornings, and when it crossed the churchyard and arrived to the

playground, we would stop playing and listen to it. In every autumn, more vivid

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sounds and colors came to us, and they were when a historical annual art

festival took place in my hometown. Around this time was a rare occasion we

could hear the name of my hometown through the radio news. During the

festival, many people from other parts of the country came to see or take part

in various events. Not only the ordinary people, but people like artists, poets,

novelists, and critics whose works we learned about from textbooks also came,

so meeting them in person was an honor and a big joy to me as a teenage girl.

When I was younger than this, before artistic events became my interests, I was

attracted more by things like the circus or night markets that were open under

huge tents and bright dazzling lamps, so I would persuade my mother or sisters

to take me here and there. In some ways we children were busier than adults.

During my childhood, my family was always seven; my parents, two brothers,

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two sisters, and me, and I was the forth baby of my parents. My father was a

civil servant for all his life. He was from a poor family, but never lost his pride,

overcame many harsh conditions, and then raised his family well. Unlike fathers

in western countries or those in young generation of Korea, fathers in Korea

back then didn’t spend much time or have much physical contact with their

children. They were rather considered as people who belonged to the outside

world, and more often as big mountains, which were always there in place, and

my father was just like that. At home, he didn’t say much and usually read

newspapers or books, but to me his being itself made me feel safe and sound.

My mother was a teacher in an elementary school before marriage, and then a

housewife for the rest of her life. She was very caring and we were everything

to her. My father and mother both are in the other world now, and I inherited

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from my father his eagerness to learn and love for books, and from my mother

her caring attitudes for family and some of her dissatisfaction with any kind of

mess. I played with my younger brother the most because my sisters and older

brother were grown-ups to us even though they were only three, five, and

seven years older than me. From about the time I finished elementary school, I

became closer with my sisters too, and we shared a lot each other between

girls. My paternal grandparents passed away when I was a baby, so I don’t have

any memories related to them. My maternal grandfather also passed away when

my mother was very young, but my maternal grandmother was with us until my

graduation from university. She lived in Seoul, the capital of Korea, which is

some 200 miles north from my hometown and thankfully took care of my

brothers, sisters, and me when we were sent one by one to her to study in a

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better school there. In my middle and high school years, I liked Literature the

most. I was pretty good at it and attended a lot of writing competitions, and my

teachers encouraged me to be a writer. I chose other than a writer later, but till

now I have an unfading love toward books, brand new notepads, pencils, and

the like. Except for Literature, I don’t think I have any talent in other subjects

that much. Among the worst was Science. This subject frequently made me sad

and depressed, and PE and Music also added to the depth of my frustration. But

I managed anyway because my reading habits compensated for the lack and

helped me prepare for my later days. While looking back on my childhood,

mostly joyful memories come to my mind first, so I know I had a happy

childhood indeed.

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Chapter 2

Recently, my days have had a lot more diversities than before. Until I

came here to the US, when I was still in my country, I was busy as a wife and as

a mother, but everything was so familiar that my life there seemed to be

rounded automatically in a sense. Now, my husband and I are living in an

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apartment near his office feeling new everyday, sometimes embarrassing and

surprising, but more often exciting. Five years ago, we first came to Pinole, near

San Francisco and later moved two times within the same district, and then it

has been almost one year since we came down here in Oceanside. My husband

runs a small company distributing contact lenses that are imported from Korea,

and I am not working at the moment. My husband was my younger brother’s

high school senior, and we first met through my brother. Then and now, he is

very understanding all the same. He sees the bright side and has loud and

hearty laughter, which makes me laugh, too. We got married 25 years ago and

have two sons. Minsoo, our older son, is more like me except for his love toward

music. He is graduating from university this summer and wants to be a diplomat

someday. Byungsoo, our younger son, is more like his father with big smile and

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energetic voice and wears a pair of special glasses that makes the world seem

to be splendid and sparkling. He is a good cook, too. Right now he is in Korean

Air Force because joining the military is a requirement to any young men of

Korea. Before going back to Korea for this, he had studied Economy in UCSB,

but he is planning to change the school to be a professional cook when he

comes back to the US two years later. My time schedule these days is not that

hectic; to help my husband not to starve, to study English, to read as many

books as I can, and to do tiny bits of work in my husband’s office whenever my

hands are needed. One thing I like to add to my daily routine sooner or later is

to do patchwork, which is my long-time hobby. This schedule is quite

comfortable to me, but it wasn’t like this for the first two years or so after I

came here. During the time, while my husband was struggling and having quite

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tough time to settle his business down, I wasn’t any help to him except for

being beside him and giving emotional support. I was so sorry for him and at

the same time I felt helplessness myself as well. I rather needed his help to do

every trivial thing, instead of helping him. I felt like I was a really dumb student

who got terrible grades at school. I couldn’t understand other people and they

couldn’t understand me. As time passing, I am recovering the confidence to

some extent even though it’s a far long way to go. I know also it will not be a

level road at all, but I don’t worry too much. Instead, I am very sure that if I

don’t stop pursuing my progress, this dynamic melting pot will not be foreign to

me any more someday in the near future.

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Chapter 3

Now, I see the world wide open in front of me. It’s much like the first

days right after my graduation from university, and I think I am a lucky person

to feel new in my fifties. After years of helplessness and uncertainties, I’ve got

the confidence to cope with my life in this new country. The first goal for my

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coming days is, as always and never changing, to help my husband and my two

sons. I want them to feel comfort from me when they are tired and feel bad. My

sons are grown up and both are in their twenties. They need less of my

immediate care than before, so I have had more time on my own recently. I

sometimes doubt if I am suffering from some early symptoms of Empty Nest

Syndrome, so I have decided that I need to find a way to use my time more

productively. I think I might have a new plan. From the experience of working

as a nurse in my country, I have realized that this job is really meaningful,

worthwhile, and rewarding. So I am planning to be a nurse again, and last year

I succeeded in getting the license for working as a registered nurse in California.

This license is only the first part for my plan to be a reality. There is one more

important requirement to be fulfilled, and it is nothing else but English. With the

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confidence in my mind, I am going to go forward step by step.

Sometimes I imagine my life in the future, like some 15 years or so later.

Then, I will be 67 years old at that time. Wow, what an advanced age I will be

in! But I think I will be still working as a nurse, likely part-time, possibly

volunteering. By that time, I will be well-experienced, more stable, and more

caring than ever for my patients. To my young colleagues, I will be like their

older sister or mother and to my little patients, their grandma. At home, I will

be spending my time cooking for my husband, sometimes for my sons’ families

or friends, growing flowers and vegetables in the garden, reading newspapers

and books with ease, or watching TV not for study but for fun. On some calm

days, after dinner, my husband and I will like to sit on the veranda overlooking

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the sea or walk along the beach in front of our house. On my day off, I will be

enjoying quilting in the room that is designed and decorated for this purpose.

On one entire wall of it will be full of shelves with assorted lovely fabrics. My

friends will inform me if Joann or Michaels have a sale. Now and then I will miss

my family back in my home country, the crisp air of winter mornings, or the

smells of the well-defined four seasons also. Then, on my long vacation I will

visit them. My country, South Korea, has long been technically at war with North

Korea since 1953. This has made the people feel insecure and has been the

interference for the county to concentrate on becoming prosperous. The leaders

have made many efforts to bring peace to the peninsula, but they haven’t been

successful yet. For my country, I hope that the two sides agree to unite as one

peaceful nation in the near future, so the conflicts today become things of the

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past that exist only in the history books. For my sons and my sons’ sons, I hope

that they think big and care not just about themselves but also about other

people and the entire human race. For the world, I really hope that there are no

prejudices, segregation, and wars at all so that all global citizens can live

harmoniously together.

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Chapter 4

For a long time, I’ve been thinking about the afterlife, but only once in a

while and not deeply. To think about the afterlife means to think about death,

death again means to lose all the loved ones and everything for me, and

therefore, these thoughts are so painful that I might want to postpone them to a

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later time. But my own death sometime in the future is a fact, so I have to

ponder my final destination and prepare for it.

About the life after death, people seem to believe in it or not according

to their religions or beliefs. Each religion has its own teaching and opinion that

is differentiated from others’. For Christians, they believe that if they follow the

words of God, they will have lives in heaven after their death. Buddhistphilosophy is that if they do a lot of good things during their present lives, they

will be reborn as human beings again in the next life, and if not, as animals.

Worse than that is to wander around the dark world as a spirit that can’t be

reborn even as an animal. For me, I don’t have any religion at the moment and

am unsure of both heaven and hell, or reincarnation, yet I do believe in the

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afterlife. It’s just because I can’t imagine that things that ever existed once

become nothing all of a sudden. My understanding is that when we die, our

bodies will remain, and so will our spirits, too. I can never figure out where the

spirits will go, which shape they will have, how they will live, or how long they

will last, but my guess is that our spirits will go to some unknown world, live

there for a long while, and then have their final day there again. This process

will be repeated again and again and again as if it’s endless, and our spirits will

become lighter and lighter, less and less substantial, and more and more free,

and then, in the end they will become air or wind. According to this assumption,

our present life might not be the very first phase of the process. It could be the

one that comes in the middle of it. Am I going too far? I never know if I will

have a religion someday or have another opinion about the afterlife, but this is

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what I think of it at this moment. Anyway, even though people think and believe

differently like this and everything about the afterlife is totally unknown to us,

one thing that is obvious to every individual equally is that the present life is

really important. To Christians who believe in everlasting lives in the heaven,

how to live the present life is important. To Buddhists who wish to be reborn as

human beings, the way they live is also significant. For me who think that the

present life is only one time because the afterlife does exists but only in a quite

different way, how to live my life is critically important, too. In terms of this, I

should do my best both for me and for others. I should be really good and

sincere during my life. I should try to leave as many happy memories as

possible in my loved ones’ minds so that those memories can be their source of

energy and comfort. And when the time comes, I wish I can say good bye to

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them with smile on my face and with as less regretful things as possible in my

mind. When it comes, I wish they don’t be sad and lonely for too long, regain

their brightness soon, and live sincerely more than ever.

Sunflower Epitaph

Don’t stand that cold stone in front of my tomb.

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Plant some such yellow sunflowers around it, instead.

Between their long stalks, show me an endless field of barley, please.

And, think of the flowers as my splendid love

That was always like the sun, like the glaring sun.

If you see a skylark soaring into the air from the green field,

Think of it as my dream

That is still flying high, high in the sky.

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Written by Hyung-Soo Haam

Translated by Jean Kim

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Jean Autobiography

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