Non-Violent Communication

Presented by Charles OrgbonIYEYS 2013

What is NVC?

NVC involves both communication skills that foster compassionate relating and

consciousness of the interdependence of our well being and using power with others to

work together to meet the needs of all concerned.

What you’ll learn

Break patterns of thinking that

lead to arguments or

depression

Transform conflict into

mutually satisfying outcomes

What you’ll learn

Focus on connection

through empathic listening rather

than “being right” or “getting what

you want”

Defuse anger and frustration peacefully

What you’ll learn

Nonviolence means allowing the positive within you to emerge. Be dominated by love,

respect, understanding, appreciation, compassion, and concern for others rather then

the self-centered and selfish, greedy, hateful, prejudiced, suspicious, and aggressive attitudes

that dominate our thinking – Arun Gandhi

Four-Part NVC Process

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

Observations

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

ObservingI can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do. And I can handle your interpretations, but please don’t mix the two.

If you want to confuse any issue, I can tell you how to do it: Mix together what I do with how you react to it.

Tell me that you’re disappointed with the unfinished chores you see, But calling me “irresponsible”

Is no way to motivate me. And tell me that you’re feeling hurt when I say “no” to your advances, But calling me a frigid man won’t increase your future chances.

Yes, I can handle your telling me what I did or didn’t do, And I can handle your interpretations,but please don’t mix the two. - Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Observing• Interpretations are actually judgments• Analyses of others are actually

expressions of our own needs and values. – “sloppy and disorganized”– “aloof and insensitive”– “immature” – “needy and dependent”

Compare Yourself

Observing• Moralistic judgments promotes

disagreement– “Violence is bad.” OR “I am fearful of the use of

violence to resolve conflicts through other means.”

• Classifying and judging people promotes violence– In our culture, heroes either save the day, or beat

people up.

Observing“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll

meet you out there.” - Rumi

Observation + Evaluation Observation l EvaluationYou are too generous. When I see you give all of your lunch money, I think

you are being too generous.Doug procrastinates. Doug only studies the night before the exam.She won’t get her work in. She said “I won’t get my work in.”Immigrants don’t take care of their property.

I have not seen the immigrant family living at 1679 Ross Street shovel the snow on their sidewalk.

If you don’t eat a balanced meal, I fear your health will be impaired.

If you don’t eat balance meals, I fear your health will be impaired.

He frequently comes over. He comes over at least three times a week.You seldom do what I want. The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you

didn’t want to do it. Corporate executives are greedyThe coal company cleaned up the site poorly

Feelings

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

Video

Think vs. Feel• Feelings are not clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by

– Words such as that, like, as if:• I feel that you should know better• I feel like a failure

– The pronounces I, you, she, they, it• I feel I am constantly on call• I feel useless

– Names or nouns referring to people• I feel Amy has been pretty responsibility• I feel my boss is being manipulative

• Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react towards us

• I feel ignored, misunderstood, or unimportant

Taking Responsibility for Feelings

• Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility

• Create a list of your “most-hated chores” and come up with a reason why you do that chore

Needs

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

Needs we ShareCelebrationIntegrity• Authenticity• Creativity• Meaning, Self-worthInterdependence• Acceptance• Appreciation• Closeness• Community• Consideration• Emotional safety• Empathy

Physical Nurturance • Air, Food, Water• Movement, Exercise• Rest• ShelterPlay• Fun, LaughterSpiritual Communion• Order• Peace• Harmony• Beauty• Inspiration

“I am not easily frightened. Not because I am brave but because I know that I am dealing with human

beings and that I must try as hard as I can to understand everything that anyone ever does. And that was the real import of this morning: not that a disgruntled young Gestapo officer yelled at me, but that I felt no indignation, rather a real compassion, and would have liked to ask: ‘Did you have a very

unhappy childhood, has your girlfriend let you down?’ Yes, he looked harassed and driven, sullen and week. I should have liked to start treating him there and then,

for I know that pitiful young men like that are dangerous as soon as they are let loos on mankind.

- Etty Hillesum in Etty: A Diary 1941-1943

Our Needs

• What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause – Feelings result from how we choose to receive what

others say and do, as well as our particular needs at that moment

• Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel…because I need…”

• Distinguish between giving from the hear and being motivated by guilt– “It hurts me when you do that.”

Requests

Observations

Feelings

Needs

Requests

Requests

• Use positive language when making requests• Make sure to identify what you would like that

person to do (i.e. Spending less time doing what?)

• It’s OK to ask reflective questions• In a group, much time is wasted when speakers

aren’t certain about what response they’re wanting

• Demands can have two responses: to submit or to rebel

Receiving Empathetically

• Ask if one would like advice. • Reflect back messages that are emotionally

charged• Paraphrasing saves time, but only paraphrase

when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding

• The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel

Expressing Anger Fully

• Divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger– “He made me angry…” leads to us expressing

anger superficially by blaming or punish the other person

• The cause of anger lies in our thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgment– Think of some environmental activity that causes

you to become upset

Last Resort: Punishment

• Protective– Intention: protect, not to punish, blame, or

condemn • Punitive– Intention: to punish or to cause individuals to

suffer, repent, or change

Additional Study