One

Ugly Pie Episode 16.1No Need for

Marriage

“Twitchy, I’d like to discuss something with you about this whole marriage thing.”Twitchy, “Ok.”“Ok… how do I explain this. Alright, let’s see… We’re already bound to be together, right? We’re going to have a child or perhaps multiple, right? That’s all fair and good and part of the whole reason we’re together. So I was thinking maybe… we don’t have to actually get married.”

I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut on this. Now she probably hates me or something. Now she’s gonna say something to chew me out for being greedy or being a complete idiot or even selfish for my whole aspiration of life. I just hope she at least doesn’t hit me.Twitchy, “Jerry.”“Yes?”

Twitchy, “I don’t fully understand how you think, just the basic things that are expected from you and others that aspire for romance. The only thing is, if we don’t get married then the children won’t be Pies. They’d be Subjects. And while you might be fine with that, have you considered what everyone else in your family line might think? Isn’t this supposed to be your family’s legacy and all?”

“I never thought of it from that perspective. It’s just… right now… I’m really fearing a lot of things and even the thought of getting engaged has me trying to come up with some way for this to work without me seeing a therapist. Do you understand?”Twitchy, “I do. But…”

Twitchy, “Just because you fear it now, does not mean you’ll always fear it. Right? Maybe someday you’ll fear something else. And on that day, you can propose and perhaps we’ll even get married. Think about that. Don’t answer now, just think about it. I’ll give you a week.”

A whole week? That seems like it should be plenty of time. But even still, what if I still fear getting engaged even then? What if I never stop fearing it? This wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t heir. Oh jeez, now what do I say? To accept it or not? Gotta think of something. Um…

“You’re so clever when you think of things like that. I guess I should be proud that we’ll be together.”Twitchy, “That’s a sweet thing to say. Just don’t forget. A week.”

“In the meantime, welcome to the family Twitchy.”

Twitchy, “So now that I’m moved in with everything on me and the $414 in my purse, I guess I better settle in. We’ll be sharing the same bed at least, right?”“Of course. Why wouldn’t we?”

Nothing happened. We just went to bed. But still I have to wonder and think: what is it like? It seems like some sort of magical thing. Something sacred and beautiful. But is it something that is learned or is it already known? I wish I knew more than just what health class in school taught me, but I have nothing to go off of. Maybe Twitchy knows. Or maybe…

Jeannie, “I just start college and you come to me asking about hutzpuh? Just what are you getting at, Jerry? I thought people of your aspiration knew about it more than anyone.”

“That’s not fair. Just because I have it on my mind doesn’t mean I have any more knowledge about it than anyone else. It’s just that, I thought you might know being the other half.”

Jeannie, “And your basis on this is what?”“I don’t know. I just figured you might know.”Jeannie, “Why come to me? Don’t you have parents that already have a better idea on how hutzpuh works?”“It’s uh… it. It sounds embarrassing to even think about asking them.”Jeannie, “Not my problem.”“I thought we had something.”

Jeannie, “Excuse me? Had something? Let me check. Last time we saw each other, we went out on a friendly little date, shared a first kiss, and that was it. You practically disappeared only to ask me out today for an outing to find out what hutzpuh is like. I don’t think we have anything at all. Maybe I’m seeing someone because of how you treated me. I don’t even know what to make of what that whole thing was about in our teens.”

“I don’t know what to say. When I got home from that date, I was thrown into the arms of Twitchy and told that she would be my future wife. I didn’t do anything.”Jeannie, “Exactly! You didn’t even tell me! And now you think we have something? Uh-uh, uh-uh no way!”“What was I supposed to say?”Jeannie, “Something. Better than nothing. I could have handled a simple phone call with you saying something along the lines of ‘Sorry we can’t see each other anymore; just found out I’m the heir.’ That would have been nice.”

“Listen, Jeannie, if I wasn’t thrown in the situation I was, I’d still be with you. Is that so hard to understand? I was trying to cope with a situation that is seemingly out of my control and dealing with it as best as I could. I still want you though. I still love you.”

Jeannie, “Even still, I’d be number two.”“That can’t be helped. If it were in my ability, you’d be number one.”Jeannie, “Number one. So essentially, this isn’t about hutzpuh is it? This is strictly a real relationship you want?”“Yes, if at all possible.”Jeannie, “And Twitchy?”“…” I guess I didn’t really think about that. “If it’s a secret.”Jeannie, “Then we can’t see each other downtown anymore. No dates or anything.”“…”

Jeannie, “And in the meantime, I’m going to need stuff.”“Stuff?”Jeannie, “Just items to help make my life easier. You’re family is loaded. I’m living on my own in college. Provide me with things to make my life easier and I’m willing to keep my mouth shut on the whole thing.”

“And how exactly am I suppose to give you this stuff?”Jeannie, “Just gift them to me. We are friends right? There shouldn’t be any harm in giving gifts to a friend in public.”“Ok.” I honestly don’t know what to think. I didn’t think it was possible but… I guess I didn’t know what to expect. Jeannie actually accepting to the idea. But Twitchy…

“I’ll be going home now.”Jeannie, “Just don’t forget.”“Ok.”

“I know this is the right address, but what happened to the house?”

Second floor

First floor

Chuck, “Ah ha! I do believe I have found myself a solution for my zombieficationalism problem! It’s just a simple matter of trusting someone to be turned into a warlock and then rezzing me. Shouldn’t be too hard to find someone.”

What in the?

I’m a warlock? How in the? Chuck!

“Chuck, you better have a good reason for turning me into a warlock. It’s not exactly something I’ve been wanting for a long time.”Chuck, “Relax, bro. It’s simple. I just needed you to become one so you can rez me as a zombie.”“What?”

Chuck, “Don’t you remember anything at all? I told you that all I need to ensure complete no accidental children via woo hoo is a simple matter of zombification. And as you so clearly pointed out I need someone else to transform me into one. Henceforth, you are now a warlock to do the deed.”“But why me? Couldn’t you have asked someone else?”Chuck, “Uh, I suppose I could, but you were closest.”

Chuck, “Look, it’s just a simple task. It’s all I’m ever gonna ask from you, bro. Look, here take these: they’re the ingredients you’ll need in order to rez me as a zombie. That way you don’t have to make them yourself.”“Look, Chuck, are you serious about this?”Chuck, “Indubitidly.”

“Ok, fine, so I’ll help you out just this once. Ok? But please tell me that you don’t expect me to be a warlock forever.”Chuck, “You don’t want to?”“Affirmative.”Chuck, “Oh, well… I could make a potion that changes you back.”“Good, get crackin’ then.”Chuck, “Well, first, zombie.”“Ok, fine, whatever. Just… just don’t do something like this ever again. Ok?”

Chuck, “Now all I have to do is work out a fast way to off myself. Hmmm…”

Chuck, “Hello Mr. Vampire!”

Twitchy, “Since when do you follow your brother’s fashion sense?”“Since he turned me into a warlock for his own personal gain.”Twitchy, “Why would he do that?”“I wish I knew. Mind if I join you?”Twitchy, “Not at all.”

Twitchy, “How long is this going to last?”“Til I do what my brother wants. It shouldn’t take too long. Once I’m done with the deed he wants me to accomplish, I’ll be back to normal.”Twitchy, “Thank goodness.”“You don’t like it either?”Twitchy, “Not one bit.”“Same.”

Twitchy, “Say… since we’re both alone and in bed… You wanna do it?”“Do what?”Twitchy, “It. You know… woo hoo?”“What? Seriously, right now?”Twitchy, “You have something else planned?”“Well, it’s just… I wasn’t quite expecting, you know… Until after the marriage.”

Twitchy, “Well as you put it, we’re practically already married, just without the ring.”“But didn’t you say something about kids being Subjects and…”Twitchy, “This will just be normal regular woo hoo. No trying for kids.”“Um…” I’m nervous. I don’t know what to do.

All I can say is that it wasn’t like anything I was ever going to expect. And I didn’t even think I had it in me. To be… and… well… I’m at an utter loss of words except… I’m glad Twitchy talked me into it. Or soemthing.

Chuck, “Welcome to my humble abode, Mr. Vampire.”

IIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRK!

Toby, “And remember, friend. Never, ever, EVER go out in the sunlight. It will give you a lethal sunburn of extreme OUCHIES!”Chuck, “Right on. Like I would ever do that.”

And the following morning when the sun comes out…Chuck, “I hope this works. It stings like the dickens!”

Hours later…Chuck, “I smell like burning flesh, but I’m still not dead. What’s going on?”

A pool and several more hours later…Chuck, “What’s going on? Why aren’t I dead yet? Is it so hard to die?”

Chuck, “I had hoped that the sun alone would burn me to a crisp, but for some reason, I’m still alive. I have one more idea… Hope it works.”

It worked.

And as the household mourns, Jerry comes to a realization.“Chuck never taught me the spell on how to resurrect him.”

FIN