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Love, Sex and Relationships
Spring 2013
PacifcConnections
Newsletter or past clients and riends
At the bottom of the earth, in New Zealand, there was an
increased awareness of the wider world as:
1. Communication technology improved, we got a privatephone after years of a party line!
2. Social awareness grew through newspapers, which at
boarding school we werent allowed to read in case we
read something not nice
3. Magazines, movie stars, royal family.
4. Television, in 1964 we got our rst TV, a small box on
rickety legs, which the neighbours came over to watch!
5. Music trends, even my fairly liberal parents
were shocked by Elvis!
Despite this, the concepts of love, sex and relationships remained
nave, romanticised and fueled by fantasy, idealism, and mystery
on the one hand, secrecy and shame on the other.
The main goal of life for my friends and I was to get married,
be a wonderful wife, and have beautiful children who would
adore us!
Growing up in a family full of addictions and depression that
were fueled by low self- esteem, I felt relief when my Grandma
reassured me that there is a lid for every pot. I felt a glimmer
of hope that maybe, just maybe, Prince Charming would beat
a path to my door, and we would ride off together toward the
setting sun, to live a life of married bliss.
Igrew up in the 1950s, spending my teens and early
adulthood watching the world expand in the post-war
era that nurtured the beginnings of the global village
that the world has become today.
continued...
Lorraine Wood, Co-Founder and Chair of SPP
FEATURE ARTICLE
Self-worth and Relationships
Components of a
Healthy Relationship
Consumer &
Carer Committee
Recommended Reading
Volunteers Consumer and
Carer Advisory Committee
The Value of
Consumer Engagement
Alumni Support
Let us know how
you are going
Book Review
Upcoming Events
Alumni Workshop
SPP Update
Accreditation achievedwith ying colours!
IN THIS ISSUE
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FEATURE ARTICLE
Well sure enough I found a Prince Charming,
married and had 4 daughters then found another
Prince Charming and had another daughter
As for the fairytale ending of married bliss well
... what I did discover is that we are often sent in
life what we need and that is not necessarily whatwe want!
One of the wonderful gifts of relationships is that
they bring up those underlying issues that we all
have and provide us with choices. We can try
ignoring the issues, we can medicate to cope with
substances or processes, we can buy into it all and
spiral down into disaster, or we can face and
deal with the issues.
I tried all of these approaches over
the years - and it still astounds me
that, when I nally surrendered
and faced the issues and went
into Treatment, not only did
I nd the path to happiness
in my relationships, but I
also found my purpose in life
when Bill and I founded South
Pacic Private 20 years ago.
So many people live life full
of fear, pain, powerlessness &
negativity rather than face their
pain, do their work and miracle of allmiracles, grow, discover their authentic
self, embrace recovery and nd healing,
happiness and purpose.
12 Step programs tell us if you follow the guidelines
we set out you will nd a life beyond your wildest
dreams. So many of us in Recovery recognize
the truth of this - a noble goal and one well
worth pursuing.
Where do we start?
Letting go of the knight in shining armor fantasythat I grew up with, and accepting that relationships
are a personal growth experience and opportunity,
is the reframing needed to take that rst step into
accountability for creating the type of relationships
we most wish for.
Generally we will nd ourselves in relationship with
someone at the same emotional level as ourselves,
though this can be very hard to face when our
partner is acting in ways that mortify us! These
relationships create dynamics that are often an
unconscious effort to heal childhood wounds.
Attitudes to sexuality in relationships have shifted
signicantly from the ignorance, shame and secrecy
common in my youth.
Despite the progress in education and openness in
discussing sexuality, this can still remain an area
shrouded in shame, secrecy, compulsion, trauma
and myth, which are often addressed for the rst
time when someone comes for treatment at SPP.
To have a healthy relationship - we need ahealthy self. This means looking at our core
issues, assessing our self esteem, boundaries,
reality, dependency and moderation challenges, and
doing whatever it takes to grow ourselves us into
a mature functioning adult, who can accommodate
the pain and the powerlessness of the past into
our life story, and then get on with the rest of our
journey, not only living life but having fun and
enjoyment.
To build a relationship based
in healthy physical, sexual,emotional, intellectual and
spiritual intimacy we need to
be open, honest, willing and
committed to a shared set
of values.
Have you discussed your
relationship values with
your partner?
If you dont have a partner what
are the values you would like to
share with someone in relationship?
Finally here is one of my favourite poems
that I think says it all:
ACCEPT YOUR QUIETNESS
When I can accept your quietness
And not assume its because of me
When I can accept your angerAnd not react as if you are angry with me
When I can allow you to be indifferentAnd not take it as an insult
When I can be with you in companyAnd see not your behaviour as a refection on me
When I can accept your mood swingsWithout needing to understand or control
When I can allow you to beI will be beyond ownership
Then not only will you feel my loveBut I will have found freedom within me.
Author unknown.
To havea healthyrelationshipwe need ahealthy self.
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LOVE, SEX, AND RELATIONSHIPS
If we have a healthy sense of self-worth we are
more likely to have a healthy relationship.
When we feel better abut ourselves we are:
More likely to require that our partner treatsus with respect
More likely to treat our partners with respect
More likely to work through problems in our
relationships and feel that we can successfully
resolve conicts when they occur
Less distrustful of our partners and more
willing to go to them for support when
we need it
Honesty
Acceptance
Love
Trust
Healthy boundaries
Freedom of expression
Shared vision and goals
Laughter
Time
Intimacy(Physical, sexual, emotional,
intellectual, spiritual)
Respect
Shared Interests
Conflict resolution skills
Safety Security
Accountability
Curiosity
Self-care
Components of a Healthy Relationship
Self-worth and RelationshipsRemember to practice self-care
and look after yourself. We can often
take very good care of others and
put our own self-care last. Looking
after yourself spiritually, mentally and
physically works wonders for
self-worth and self-esteem.
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CONSUMER & CARER COMMITTEE
The value of consumer engagement:creating positive change
In the past year we have seen a number of changes
implemented because of the Committee, to name a few:
A 24 hour alumni support line was established
May 2013
Client rights and responsibilities have beenre-written with the clients best interests
in mind
The Changes 2 program was developed andintroduced due to feedback received from the
Committees annual phone survey
Pacic Connections was developed following
phone survey feedback
A complete revision of our Step Down programresulted in the introduction of our Transitions
program
Aftercare planning groups and lectures were
developed to improve client aftercareknowledge and engagement
SPP extends a huge thank you to the Consumer and
Carer Committee for delivering our staff training andtheir continued valuable contributions. Thanks alsoto our past clients and carers for taking the time to
provide feedback on their SPP experience.
The Value of Consumer Engagement
Consumer & Carer Advisory Committee
ALUMNI SUPPORT
We can have trouble contacting people for our
3-month follow-up calls and only generally
manage to nd out about how less than 50% of
alumni are doing after treatment.
We are keen to improve our follow-up and hear
about how you are doing, whether you are doing
well or whether you are struggling.
When one of our therapists calls you in the
week after discharge or 3 months later, we
would really appreciate you having a chat and
answering the questions on how you are going.
It is a chance for you to check in with us about
how your aftercare plan and support systems
are doing.
If you would prefer to have the questionnaire
sent to you by email then contact
Let us know how you are going, even if you are struggling
Recently SPP staff received valuable training from members of our Consumer & Carer Committee to
discuss why meaningful consumer engagement is so important.
Our Consumer and Carer Advisory Committee is comprised of past clients and carers who are passionateabout ensuring the client experience at SPP is positive and establishes solid foundations for recovery.
Committee members either received treatment at SPP or were carers and each have their own personalinvestment in ensuring the quality and safety of our service.
Heres what a few of the Committee
members had to say during our training:
SPP is much more than a Treatment Centre;its a community with a culture of belief,compassion, and conviction. My ongoing
involvement is a way to give back from thebounty I have received since treatment.
It is my experience that the Family Programplays a vital role in recovery it is a way for
clients and their family/support persons toget on the same page and for the support
person to be better equipped to support theclient in their re-entry into society. My goal isto encourage the ongoing development and
expansion of the Family Program.
Through participating in the CACA Committee,
I have seen an opportunity to help providetools for clients to get back to a career or
begin a renewed vocational journey.
I am grateful that the Committeessuggestions are taken onboard and
implemented and am amazed at some of the
great ideas put forward by Management. TheCommittee works as per its Charter and I am
proud to be a part of it.
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ALUMNI RESOURCES
CACA Recommended Reading List: Alumni Resources
Family of Origin Differentiation of Self related:
You Can Go Home Again:
Reconnecting with Your Family,Monica McGoldrick
The Family Crucible The Intense Experience of Family Therapy,
Augustus Y Napier & Carl Whitaker
Family Ties that Bind: A self-help guide to
change through Family of Origin therapy,Ronald W. Richardson
Marriage & Relationship(love, intimacy, sex) related:
The Intimacy Factor: The ground Rules forOvercoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect,
and Lasting Love,Pia Mellody
Passionate Marriage Keeping Love, Sex &Intimacy Alive in Emotionally
Committed Relationships,David Schnarch
Adult Life Cycle / Personal Development:
The Seasons of a Womans Life,Daniel J. Levinson
The Seasons of a Mans Life,Daniel J. Levinson
Choosing Happiness The Art of Living Unconditionally,
Veronica Ray
The Self-Esteem Workbook,
Glenn R. Schiraldi & Matthew McKay
Mapping Your Life across Time,
Gail Sheehy
Below is a list of recommended readings provided by a member of our
Consumer & Carer Advisory Committee. The Committee member found that thebooks resonated with their own personal journey through recovery.
Depression Related:
The Depression Workbook A Guide for Living with Depression
and Manic Depression,Mary Ellen Copeland
Breaking The Patterns Of Depression,Michael Yapko
Hand-Me-Down-Blues,Michael Yapko
When Living Hurts Directives for Treating Depression,
Michael Yapko
Anxiety related:The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook,
Edmund J. Bourne
Grief / Loss / Trauma related:
Men & Grief. A Guide for Men Surviving
the Death of a Loved One.A Resource for Caregivers and
Mental Health Professionals,Carol Staudacher
Suicide related:
Hearing the Cry Suicide Prevention(copies available from R.O.S.E. EducationTraining & Consultancy, NSW, Australia),
Margaret Appleby & Margaret Condonis
Surviving the Pain After Suicide (copies
available from R.O.S.E. EducationTraining & Consultancy, NSW, Australia),
Margaret Appleby
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ALUMNI RESOURCES
Would you like tojoin our Consumer
and Carer AdvisoryCommittee?
Websites:
Beyond Blue: the national depression
initiative working to reduce the impact of
depression and anxiety in the community and
empowering people to seek help and recovery.
http://www.beyondblue.org.au
Follow the very humorous Brian Ironwood as
he takes you through Beyond Blues new Man
Therapy website, a Beyond Blue initiativedeveloped to improve mens wellbeing and
reduce the higher rate of mail suicide in
Australia compare to women.
http://www.mantherapy.org.au/
Bowen Center for the Study of the Family offers
a theory of human behaviour that views the
family as an emotional unit and uses systems of
thinking to describe is complex interactions.
http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/
theory.html
Gambling help is a service that assists
problem gamblers and their families in NSW.
http://www.gamblinghelp.nsw.gov.au
We genuinely value the feedback we
receive from our SPP clients and carers.
To ensure that feedback is heard and
channelled appropriately, we have an
established Consumer and Carer
Advisory Committee.
The Committee is comprised of past clients
and carers who are involved in and advise
on, issues that relate to both clients
and carers.
Meetings are held on a quarterly basis and
include our annual Phone Survey wherewe collect feedback from clients who have
received treatment at SPP within the
past year.
To be eligible to join the Committee you
need to be:
Either a past client of SPP and in
recovery for at least 1 year
A carer / family member of a
past SPP client
If you are a motivated and passionate
individual and you think you would be an
excellent candidate for the Committee,
then please send your interest through to
Leonie by either emailing
or calling (02) 9905 3667
CACA Recommended Reading List: Alumni Resources
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If you have been struggling
throughout your life to make
sense of Addiction issues and
their origin, this book is for
you. If you have been trying
to deal with Depression and
Anxiety, then this book is
for you. If you have been
struggling to maintain good
healthy adult relationships,
then this book is for you. Its
an unfortunate reality, that if
this book resonates with you,
then its bitter sweet that you
have undoubtedly come from a
family system that functioned
at some level in pain. As a
result, you likely experienced
less than nurturing parenting
resulting in the trauma
and abuse.
A the beginning of the book,
Pia very clearly outlines how
she stumbled into this
recovery process.
One day I was catapulted into
the adventure of discovery by
a t of anger (rage) at work.
I was in the Directors ofce
talking to him and another
counsellor who was standing
at the door. I wanted these
two important men in my life
to know how upset I was that
nobody seemed to hear me
when I was telling them about
my distress. And as I talked, I
realized these two extremely
intelligent professionals
couldnt understand me either.
They looked at me and one of
them said, Well, why dont
you gure out how to treat
whatever this is?
As you can imagine, Pia left
the ofce even more furious
and had the thought that if
she couldnt nd a way to help
herself, and others like her,they were all doomed. It was
in that moment of frustration
and fear, that the confusion
left her in a moment of peace,
and she asked herself the
question about how the early
alcoholics got themselves out
of a similar dilemma, and she
realised that they started by
sharing their Experience,
Strength and Hope.
This started Pia on an amazing
journey that changed the
depth and focus of treatment.
All of a sudden we were
looking at the Alcoholism and
Addiction issues as secondary
symptoms, as along with
Depression, Anxiety and
Personality issues. These
were the underlying Primary
Symptoms, which were a
result of childhood trauma.
In Facing Co-dependence,
Pia, offers a clear, concise
and helpful identication tool,
as well as easily observed
treatment pathways that
have changed the lives of
many. When you put into
practice the tools outlined in
this book, and couple it with
the accompanying workbook,
Breaking Free, you receive a
life not only free of addiction
and mental health issues, but
also a rich recovery process
is ignited and leaves you
experiencing a life better than
you have ever known.
This review was written
by our Program Director,
Steve Stokes who has over
25 years experience in the
treatment eld.
Facing Codependence:What It Is, Where It Comes from,
How It Sabotages Our Lives
BOOK REVIEW
by Pia Mellody
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SOUTH PACIFIC PRIVATE EDITORIAL
If you have suggestions, comments or would like to unsubscribe from receiving further news from South Pacic Private, then please
email us at [email protected] with your full name and address.
UPCOMING EVENTS
Taking the SPP model into the real world
With Steve Stokes
Saturday 7th December, 8:30am 1:00pm
Our nal alumni workshop for the year will be
held with SPPs infamous and humorous, Steve
Stokes, our Program Director with over 25 years
experience in the eld of addiction and
co-dependency treatment.
This workshop is suitable for all alumni actively
working the 12 steps or wanting to know more
about how the 12 Step Philosophy can support
your Recovery.
The workshop will include:
The Steps examined and explained
Recovery suggestions and support
What are 12 Step Programs? Why give 12 Step programs a go?
The rst 3 steps dening the problemand solution
The H.O.W of Recovery
Road Blocks to Recovery
PAWS: Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms
In this 4-hour workshop, Steve takes you through
the rst three steps and explores the essential
principles in-depth, helping you to gain clarity and
a deeper understanding of how to best support
yourself on the road to recovery.
Alumni Workshop
SPP UPDATE
Like us on Facebook and keep up to date with SPP
news, updates and information on upcoming programs.
Like our recovery page on
Find us at:
www.facebook.com/PacicRecovery
Attendance is $50 and morning tea is included. To conrm your spot, please email
[email protected] or phone (02) 9905 3667
The National Accreditation Scheme is driven by
the Australian Commission on Safety and Quality
in Health Care who have National Safety and
Quality Health Service Standards (NSQHS) that
work to ensure the safety and quality of health
care in Australia.
All hospitals must meet these standards in order
to achieve accreditation. This year, not only did
we have to achieve accreditation, but we also
had to meet 10 new standards introduced by
the NSQHS.
Within the 10 new standards were a total of 256
actions that needed to be met. On the 28 and 29
August two surveyors from the Australian Council
on Healthcare Standards (ACHS) conducted an
extensive survey to ensure all requirements were
met as outlined in the standards.
South Pacic Private is pleased to announce that
not only did we achieve all 256 actions but we
also exceeded requirements in two areas and
achieved a merit rating. Those two areas were:
Consumer Engagement
Decision-making around Quality and Safety
We were delighted with the results, and arepleased to have the high standard of treatment
we have delivered for 20 years endorsed.
Accreditation achieved with flying colours!
