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parenting

With positive

guidance Tools for Building Discipline from the Inside Out.

By Amanda Morgan, MS Author of www.notjustcute.com

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::: This book is dedicated to my husband, my perfect partner in parenting,

as well as to both sets of our parents, who first showed us the way. :::

Copyright 2010 by Amanda Morgan. All Rights Reserved.

Photography by Christianne Cox, Three Seas Photography.

Please do not reproduce and/or distribute copies of this book in either electronic or print format. (Consider the irony for a moment….book on discipline….unauthorized copies….)

This book may be purchased at www.notjustcute.com , where you may also read

more from Amanda Morgan as she blogs about supporting whole child development

with activities and articles that are more than just cute, for young children who are

much more than cute too.

Underlined text is hyperlinked. Addresses may also be found in the Resources and References section. Referenced books are linked to Amazon.com simply to help you

find them. At the this time, I receive no incentive from Amazon.com, authors, or publishers for promoting their books.

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The Author

Amanda Morgan is a proud graduate of Utah State University who holds a BA in

both elementary and early childhood education and an MS in human

development. She has a wealth of experience in classrooms ranging from

preschool to sixth grade and has taught in private, public, and migrant schools.

In addition, works as a consultant and trainer for a non-profit children’s

organization. She enjoys teaching other teachers and parents about child

development and teaching strategies.

As a mom and an educator, she is passionate about moving learning objectives

from the theoretical into the practical, with meaningful activities that are

engaging, and always fun. At Not Just Cute, she blogs about supporting whole

child development with activities and articles that are more than just cute, for

young children who are much more than cute too.

Amanda is a native of Eastern Oregon who now resides in Utah at the foot of the Wasatch Mountains. She and her husband are the parents of three boys. Her other interests include children’s literature, running, cooking and baking (off-set by more running), home improvement, reading, and finding a good bargain.

Contact may be made via email at notjustcute@hotmail.com

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Table of Contents

Introduction……………………………………………………………………………………….. 6

Part One: Building Discipline from the Inside Out……… 9

Chapter One: Positive Guidance…………………………………………………………. 10

Chapter Two: A Well-Stocked Toolbox……………………………………………….. 15

Chapter Three: Working With Broken Tools……………………………………….. 20

Chapter Four: CARE Enough to Understand the Source……………………… 29

Chapter Five: Newton’s Law…Sort of………………………………………………….. 40

Part Two: Inside the Toolbox…………………………………….. 45

Chapter Six: The Tools……………………………………………………………………….. 46

Tool #1: Proactively Teaching Social Skills……………………………………… 47

Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive Behavior……………………… 51

Tool #3: Say What You Need to See……………………………………………….. 56

Tool #4: Learn to Laugh…………………………………………………………………. 60

Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories………………………………… 62

Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions……………………………………………. 66

Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving………………………………………….. 68

Tool #8: Redirect……………………………………………………………………………. 73

Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences……………………………………… 76

Tool #10: Disengage………………………………………………………………………. 80

Chapter Seven: Putting the Tools to Work…………………………………………. 83

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Part Three: Bringing it All Together……………………………. 87

Chapter Eight: Building a Positive Culture with Simple Tools……………… 88

Chapter Nine: Love…to Teach…………………………………………………………….. 93

Chapter Ten: Putting Principles into Practice……………………………………… 97

References and Resources…………………………………………………………………. 99

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Introduction

A Disclaimer

Before reading this book, it’s important to me that you realize that I am

not a perfect parent. I’ve long been leery of the term “parenting expert”

because such a title instantly invites scrutiny, and quite frankly, I don’t feel up to

the inspection. With three boys age six and under, I am still very much on the

proving grounds of parenthood. My own kids, and those I work with, throw

tantrums, tackle playmates, and even – if you can believe it – shout at me now

and then about how much they don’t like me anymore. In other words, they're

normal kids.

While I still bristle at the term “parenting expert”, I do feel qualified to be

called a “child development expert”. My bachelor’s degree is in Elementary and

Early Childhood Education, and I earned my master’s degree in Human

Development, where I focused on the early childhood years. I’ve worked with

children in a variety of settings: As a university lab preschool teacher, as a public

school teacher, as a supervisor to student teachers, and as a consultant and

trainer to early childhood professionals. Certainly all that experience has been

put to the test on a daily basis in my ultimate teaching role as “Mom”.

Because of my background and work experiences I have become more

aware of a variety of tools that I use inside the classroom and inside my home to

approach difficult behaviors. While I don’t claim to have supernatural powers

that allow me to control all child behavior, turning each little one into the

offspring of the Stepford Wives, I do use these tools to make what I do a little bit

easier for me and more effective for the children I love and teach.

This e-book won’t give you a magic wand to wave over challenging

children, instantly instilling them with perfect behavior. There is no magical,

easy, or perfect approach to dealing with challenging childhood behaviors. If

there was, there wouldn’t be shelves full of books on the topic in every book store

and library. There would be one very short book and we would all have it

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memorized! I won’t promise to give you a new kid by next Tuesday, or outline

specific steps to follow for just 10 days to elicit a magical transformation. No

book you read will ever change your child. It can only change you and how

you react to your child in daily situations. It’s the difference in those

interactions that will effect real change in your child. What I will share with you

here are lifetime skills – tools, attitudes, and approaches that you can use every

day to address difficult behaviors and teach children to make better choices

about their own behavior, and thereby build internal discipline.

Simple Tools for an Important Task

Raising good kids is hard work. Don’t let anyone try to tell you that you

must be doing something wrong just because it’s hard. Other programs might

make it seem easy or they may promise instant results. Too often these quick-fix

programs rely on manipulating and bribing children into behaving rather than

doing the hard work of teaching intrinsic moral discipline.

It is hard work, but with the right tools the hard work begins to feel easier.

And the best part is, by doing the hard work of teaching for long term growth

rather than controlling for short term results, you will eventually be able to step

back more and more as your children become increasingly capable of monitoring

their own behavior.

I’ll be the first to say that these tools are not my own unique invention. I

don’t have a patent on the practical combination of sound theory and good

judgment. What I am writing here is a compilation of my own internalization and

application of the work of many, many people in the area of Positive Child

Guidance. After studying child development for years and applying that study in

amazing teaching experiences in the university and public school settings, I

became a parent. I found I had a new challenge: To reconcile my textbook and

clinical knowledge with the often messy reality of parenthood.

These writings are largely written to myself. They are reminders and

words of encouragement from the “child development expert” side of my brain

to the “often overwhelmed parent” side of my brain. I realized long ago that I

learn best by processing my thoughts through writing. As I began to share what I

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wrote with others through my blog, Not Just Cute, I was honestly surprised at the

reaction I got. There were parents who, like me, found themselves in the typical

daily battles with their young children, facing power struggles and tantrums, and

they wanted a new approach. There were also parents who shared with me

personal stories of childhood abuse and manipulation and a desire to create a

better childhood for their own children. As I continued to write for myself, and

then for them, some began to request it all in one book as a guide they could use

and share with others. And so, here it is.

This book is divided into three parts. Part one introduces the philosophy of

positive guidance. Part two outlines the ten tools you can use to encourage

positive behavior while building internal discipline. This section could be read all

at once as an overview, but may also be helpful as a reference and reminder of

individual tools. Part three discusses how this all comes together in a meaningful

way for your individual family; how you can tailor all these principles to meet your

unique goals and vision, creating a positive family culture and strong and loving

family bonds.

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Part One: Building Discipline

from the Inside Out

“Goodness consists not in the outward things

we do, but in the inward things we are. To be

good is the great thing.”

-Edwin Hubbell Chapin

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Chapter One: Positive Guidance

The philosophy at the center of this book is generally referred to in child

development literature as “positive guidance”. Positive guidance is based on the

belief that any means of child guidance should focus on building up a child’s self-

control rather than solely focusing on an immediate behavioral outcome. We

first must realize that it is not our job (as parents and teachers) to eliminate

conflict, disappointment, and frustration from the lives of our children, rather it is

to teach our children how to appropriately deal with those situations and

emotions. It is part of our stewardship to help our children make better choices

now and in the future by helping them build self-mastery and social competence.

Positive guidance focuses more on building the child’s control over self than

the adult’s control over the child.

Perhaps I can better explain what positive guidance is by explaining what it

is not. It is not your typical sticker chart or reward system for good behavior.

These systems often get quick results, but their long-term influence on behavior

is sparse. Once you run out of stickers, candies, or toys the child no longer has

motivation. Likewise, children who respond to such circumstances in one

situation, at home for example, have no incentive to carry over those same good

behaviors when they are away at school, or with friends, or anywhere else.

Think of it this way. If I offered $50 to anyone who could do 10 push-ups,

you would at least attempt it, right? But does that mean I have effectively made

you a healthier person or taught you to choose a healthier lifestyle for yourself?

Of course not! You could collect your $50 and spend it all on chocolates and

cheesecake! (Please invite me if you do!) If I continued to make this offer over

time, you would begin to weigh out the offer, deciding if the effort was worth the

$50, rather than considering the actual lifetime choice before you: whether the

effort was worth your good health. Now this is not to say that rewards and

incentives should never be used. They must simply be used sparingly and

appropriately. They should focus on specific behaviors and skills being mastered

(not just “being good today”), and should have a plan for being phased out rather

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than relied on as a permanent system for controlling behavior. Don’t substitute

short-term behavior gimmicks for teaching attitudes and skills for the long

term.

When you use positive guidance, you take a step back, check your own

emotions, and calmly take on the role of encouraging and training a child to build

the social skills and self-control necessary for future challenges. You accept that,

just like learning to walk, social skills and self-control are learned. And, just like

learning to walk, there will be missteps along the way. In every learning

opportunity – walking, talking, reading – we accept that children will make

mistakes and that mistakes are part of the learning process. We encourage them

to keep trying and tell them that we know they are capable of mastering it. We

can approach behavior in much the same way.

Discipline vs. Punishment

I’m not trying to argue over semantics here, but I would like to offer a

change in perspective. To many people, the two words above carry the same

meaning. But let’s think about that here. Punishment is something that

happens to someone. Discipline is something found in someone. It’s a quality.

Something that has been fostered and developed. When a person has discipline

they have the inner fortitude to make right choices, to do what needs to be done.

Children aren’t born with this discipline. They aren’t born knowing they

shouldn’t take toys away form other kids, color on the walls, or flail in the middle

of the aisles of the grocery store when we say we won’t be buying the Super

Crunchy Sugar Bombs. As young children they have a limited – but growing –

amount of impulse control and a thin slice of social grace. But they are

growing and developing, and they can learn. Consider a new baby whose arms

flail wildly until, over time, the baby develops enough control to generate

purposeful movements. Similarly, it takes time for preschoolers to develop the

ability to move from acting on wild impulses to making controlled, thoughtful

choices.

As I mentioned before, self-control and discipline are learned behaviors.

As with any learned skill, there will be mistakes along the way and some steep

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learning curves. It’s our job to help and teach along the way. When a child

struggles to learn to ride a bike, we take some extra time to clarify the process

and coach her through. We teach social skills in the same way: give extra

support and extra practice, clarifying and coaching until that skill becomes

second-nature. Whether it’s riding a bike or making friends, mastering new skills

takes time and multiple failed attempts before a child meets with success. When

we remember that young children are learning and growing, and that there is a

developmental aspect to their behavior (not just spite), it makes it easier to step

back and keep the proper perspective. Perceived patience is actually a

byproduct of increased understanding and appropriate expectations.

When a person says a child “needs to be disciplined” they are referring to

the fact that the child appears to lack that inner discipline. But you can’t force

that on a child in one instance. And so the meaning of that phrase seems to

evolve into a more actionable meaning, “that child needs to be punished”.

Punishment is an easy reaction. It doesn’t require much thought. Its aim is

merely to make an experience unpleasant. As a childcare center director shared

with me in a discussion, “Punishment hurts. Whether it’s physically or emotionally,

the intention of punishment is to hurt the child.” She recognized that this

approach does little to instill real discipline. A young child often sees little or no

connection between their action and an adult’s hurtful reaction. The relationship

between the action and the punishment becomes convoluted and distorted.

Discipline comes from an understanding of choices and consequences, not

force, punishment, and pain.

Let your focus be on guiding your children to develop actual discipline.

This is not the fleeting good behavior that can be bought and bribed; this takes

work. It requires effort, and time, and being present to guide a child to learn

from his mistakes and not simply be punished for them.

When the focus is on punishment as a reaction to improper behavior, we

are only teaching the child not to “get caught” being “bad”. When we choose

proactive discipline, we teach moral decision-making. Instead of trying to

control our children, we teach them to control themselves. Rather than

governing out of anger, we guide out of love. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel

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anger. Parents are humans after all, and we tend to feel anger when an entire

pitcher of orange juice comes splattering down to the floor during a tantrum. But

when we react out of anger – shouting, spanking, throwing adult-sized tantrums

ourselves – the teachable moment for creating real discipline is lost.

Relinquishing Ownership

We have to let go of the notion that this is all about us. Let children own

their own behavior. Focus on teaching, not on blind compliance. Here’s an

example. My oldest son, Spencer, recently asked me if he could play a game on

the computer. I was pretty sure that my husband had told him on the previous

day that he had used too much time on the computer and would need to make

up for it by not playing the following day.

I asked Spencer if I had understood their deal correctly. He initially agreed,

but then slowly said, “But…I think he said I could play…for just a short time today.”

Well, my initial impulse was to get into an argument about whether or not that

was the truth and whether or not he should be able to play and whether or not

too much computer time would eventually turn his brain into overcooked

oatmeal. Instead, I decided to let him own his behavior.

“How about this,” I said. “You think about your deal with Dad and let me

know what you decide to do. Then we’ll let Dad know what your choice was when

he gets home.” Spence thought about this for a while before asking, “Could you

just tell him while I’m upstairs?” I could see where he was going. “No, Buddy.

You’re going to tell him what your choice was, and if you think you’re going to feel

bad about your choice, that’s probably not a good one. But if you think you’ll be

proud to tell Dad your choice, then I think you made the right decision.”

He thought for a long time. Then he tried one last tactic. He cried and

thrashed and whined about how much he really wanted to play computer. It was

an impressive performance, but because I had already made the decision to let

him own his behavior, I didn’t get worked up about the tantrum. It wasn’t about

me. I could easily and calmly say, “I understand you want to play. And it really is

your choice. I’m not telling you not to play. You do what you think you’ll feel good

about when you talk to Dad tonight.” My calm response, reminding him that the

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decision was not mine, helped him to quickly realize that the fit was going to get

him nowhere.

I held my breath a little, the control-freak in me wanting to “make” him do

the right thing, but I knew he had to own this small choice or he’d not likely learn

to navigate more perilous choices through life. Guess what? He didn’t play the

computer that day. And when he talked with my husband about his choice that

day, he was proud of the choice HE had made.

I could have forced Spencer not to play the computer by turning it off, or

bribing him with candies and stickers, or by simply putting my foot down and

clinging to the “my way or the highway” doctrine. That would have gotten the

behavior I wanted…for that moment. But by letting him own his own behavior

and giving him the opportunity to learn through the challenge, even when that

meant giving him the opportunity to fail, he gained skills and an understanding of

choice and consequence that will transfer to other situations. He built discipline.

Children are certainly capable of intentional misbehavior, but adding our

own emotions to theirs rarely serves a constructive purpose. Instead of looking

at a child’s behavior as a personal affront to you, remove yourself from the

equation and look at the learning opportunity created. Positive guidance

includes the philosophy that every child has the potential for learning correct

behavior (within a developmentally appropriate level) and that with guidance and

practice they will. All you need are the proper tools.

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Chapter Two: A Well-Stocked Toolbox

Imagine you’re about to start a new business. You’ve built a brand new fix-

it shop in town and you’re about to open your doors. You will have to be ready to

handle all kinds of problems: broken windows, leaky pipes, squeaky doors….If it’s

a problem- you can fix it! You’re about to start fielding phone calls from frantic

home owners with all kinds of problems, and you need to make sure your tools

are ready. So you check out your toolbox. Inside your toolbox is one, solitary

hammer. It’s shiny and new, and handy in many different situations, but is it

really enough to get you through every situation?

My husband is a pretty handy guy to have around. He has a toolbox that is

so heavy, just hefting it from its spot on the shelf to the worksite could lead to a

series of chiropractic appointments. He has hammers to be sure: sledge

hammers, small hammers, rubber mallets. But he also has pliers and drills and

42,ooo different types of screwdrivers. He has a zip saw and a chalk line and

even a tool designed for shoeing horses. Did I mention we don’t own any horses?

The point I’m trying to make is that you can’t approach every challenge

with the same tool. Just as you can’t use a hammer for every household

problem, you can’t approach every behavior challenge with the same technique.

It’s like trying to get a screw to go in by hitting it with a hammer. So often you

hear people say, “But it worked with ‘this child’ or in ‘this situation’, why doesn’t it

work now?” Or you find people responding to every misbehavior with a time out.

Consistent….sure. Effective…not necessarily.

Tools of the Trade

Just as you would need to be familiar with a variety of tools to be prepared

to approach the assortment of home-repair jobs, you also need a wide selection

of guidance tools at your disposal to effectively address the multiplicity of

challenges that arise in child behavior.

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This book will review 10 tools for positive guidance. The objective is to get

familiar with the different methods, learn how and when to use them, and then

implement them in your own situations. As you begin to approach behavior with

a well-stocked toolbox, you’ll find those challenges a bit easier to handle.

Before You Open the Toolbox

Through my interactions with parents and teachers, both on my blog and

in my work with The Children’s Center of Salt Lake, I have met many people who

have experienced less than ideal childhoods. Their experiences run the gamut

from pervasive negativity to absolute abuse in its many forms. In our discussions

they’ve stated that they don’t want to parent the way their parents did. But

making this change requires time and effort. It’s well known that, particularly

in times of stress, we tend to revert to our past experience as our script. We

teach as we were taught, we parent as we were parented. We may know better

than the teachers we had, or we may want more for our own kids than we were

given, but when the pressure is on we tend to follow the script we learned from

watching others. For some of us, with fortunate experiences and good role

models, this truth is a blessing. For those with a less desirable childhood it can be

a curse.

I was working with a group of teachers recently when a woman shared

something that I will never be able to forget. We had been talking about our own

experiences being disciplined as children and she alluded to the fact that her

father had often crossed the line into abuse. Decades later, the backs of her legs

still bore scars where they had been beaten with switches and belts.

As a mother, this woman swore that she would never allow such cruel

treatment to befall her own children. She hung a belt from a nail next to her front

door as a reminder of the trauma that had been caused by unbridled anger. She

was determined, and with children now raised can say with pride that she was

able to keep her promise to herself and to her children. She mentioned however,

that her sister did not have the same response to the experience that she had. In

fact, on one occasion while her sister was visiting her home with her own children

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she noticed the belt hanging by the door. Her response: “Oh, good, you have one!

I forgot to bring mine!”

What made the difference between the two sisters --- one working from

the script of her own parent, the other rewriting her reality?

It may be common human disposition to respond to challenging situations

by drawing upon our experience and following in the same path as our

predecessors, but having a disposition is not the same as having a destiny. We

can change and break the cycle. But change is hard. Following our disposition

means going with the flow, while change means swimming upstream.

Alan Deutschman wrote a fascinating book about change – why it’s so

hard, and what makes some attempts at change fail while others succeed –

called, Change or Die. Among many other intriguing principles, Deutschman

points out three keys to real change: Relate, Repeat, and Reframe.

Relate

Change requires having a relatable role model, mentor, or community. As

a student teacher, I found that when I felt like I needed to do better, I would

sometimes actually imagine I was my cooperating teacher. I would respond as

she would respond until I could take those strong skills and put my own personal

stamp on them. I do the same as a mother. Sometimes I visualize my “mommy

mentors” and try to bring myself up to par. Having positive role models gives us

a reference point. Having a strong relationship with these mentors gives us the

chance to discuss our struggles, get support, and find reinforcement when we are

tempted to slide into the course of least resistance.

Repeat

Any good behavior requires repetition to become a good habit. Whether

you’re working on finding more opportunities to positively encourage your

children or developing a better coping mechanism when you’ve lost your cool,

these changes won’t come without time and practice. So have patience with

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yourself. Reinforce your goals with visual reminders, mental affirmations, or by

regularly reading on the topic. If you have spent an entire childhood experiencing

and observing shouting as a means of responding to misbehavior, it will take time

and repetition to shift your natural reaction.

Reframe

Change in behavior requires a change in perspective. When we learn to

see things differently, we begin to respond differently. We may need to

reframe our perspective of child behavior, recognizing the learning that must

take place for proper behavior and the mistakes that will inevitably come along

the way. We may need to shift our focus from punishment to guidance, or

reframe our expectations to better fit the developmental capacity of the children

we love and teach.

A Change for the Better

The woman I mentioned earlier didn’t read Deutschman’s book but was

fortunate enough to find these three keys changing her life. She was able to

relate to other positive role models in her life and repeatedly affirmed her

commitment to her own children and those she worked with, used the belt as a

constant visual reminder, and also reinforced her decision with continual

professional development in the field of child care and education. She had

reframed her experience, recognizing her father’s unacceptable behavior for

what it was and choosing to see her role as a parent, teacher, and administrator

in a more positive, loving, and responsive way.

Thankfully, not all of us have to overcome a past of abuse and

drastically rewrite our scripts. But each one of us does need to be conscious

of what our scripts are, and deliberate in choosing whether to keep them or

change them. Feelings about discipline, hair-trigger responses to specific

behaviors, and our views of our roles as parents – all can have their roots in our

own childhood experiences.

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You can’t choose your childhood, but you can choose your future. So

spend some time evaluating your script for parenting. What aspects are you

grateful for, and what needs to change? Change takes time and effort, but the

keys of change can open the door to a more intentional life.

Writing Your Own Script

::: Consider these questions-

What are some of the good parenting aspects from your childhood?

(This may be from your own parents or other parenting/authority figures

from your childhood.)

What are some of the aspects of your experience as a child you do

not want to repeat? What do you know that makes these

approaches unacceptable for you? Recognizing these as a part of

your former script and reframing them with what you know to be true

will help you be aware of how to keep them out of your current script.

Who are some of the positive parenting mentors you have now?

What do you admire about them? Observe positive role models and

when possible, talk with them about your own parenting goals and

struggles.

What kind of a parent do you want to be? Create a visual image and

then write a description being as specific as you can. Use the pronoun

“I” and plenty of action words. Write about your ideal self in the

present tense. Use this as your new script. Place your script

somewhere where you will see it frequently and be reminded of what

you want for yourself and for your children.

::: As you continue to read this book, learning new tools along the way, allow

yourself the time, practice, and mercy necessary to authentically integrate

them into your own personal script.

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Chapter Three: Working With Broken Tools

I recently came across this question from a frustrated parent in the online

forum, JustAsk at Education.com:

“Q: How to Discipline a Two Year Old Boy: I

have a two year old son who does not listen. He

hits his sister and pulls her hair. He gets angry

and lashes out by hitting or throwing what ever

object is closest to him. He continues to do

everything he knows he is not supposed to it

seems just to spite. I know he knows that it is

wrong because right before he does something

naughty he asks if it is a no no. I have tried time

out and after two hours of constant struggle

finally gave up. Swatting on the bum does not

work either. He looks at me and says "ow" then

proceeds to do whatever prompted the

spankings. I have no idea what to do next.”

This sort of desperation is not uncommon among parents and teachers of

very young children. The work can be grueling as they appear to knowingly press

your buttons, over and over. They’re testing you for consistency, not because

they’re bad, but because toddlers are little scientists and every experiment must

be replicated! What stood out to me in this example, however, was that this

parent was working with only two tools – spanking and time outs. These are

probably the two most common tools for dealing with child behavior, but not

necessarily the most effective. It’s like trying to run your fix-it shop with two

broken hammers. So let’s take a moment and talk about these from the get-go.

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1-Spanking: Questions of Abuse and Bad Practice

There are two over-arching premises in opposition to spanking. One is that

it can be abusive, and the other is that it is simply bad practice in terms of its

effectiveness in teaching children correct behavior.

I was spanked on occasion as a child, and I certainly don’t think I was

abused. But I do know that some people believe they are “disciplining” their

children when they resort to abusive tactics in the name of “spanking”. When

does spanking become hitting? That line can often be so small it’s nearly

invisible. I’m not one to say that spanking always constitutes abuse. But I will

certainly say that it can.

In a statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the danger of

spanking’s diminishing returns is explained:

“Although spanking may immediately reduce or stop an

undesired behavior, its effectiveness decreases with

subsequent use. The only way to maintain the initial

effect of spanking is to systematically increase the

intensity with which it is delivered, which can quickly

escalate into abuse. Thus, at best, spanking is only

effective when used in selective infrequent situations.”

But even if you are quite certain you would never spank out of anger, never

cross that line into abuse, spanking is simply not good practice. While many will

argue as to whether or not the practice is damaging, there is larger agreement

that the practice is generally not effective. If you’re trying to teach good

behavior, can that ever be accomplished by using broken tools?

Spanking a child does nothing to teach good behavior. It doesn’t build

problem-solving skills, or communication skills, or magically instill them with the

ability to share. Here are a few messages sent by spanking.

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“Hitting is Acceptable Communication.”

I heard one proponent of spanking say, “Sometimes you just need that

spankin’ to get their attention.” Do you want your child to get people’s attention

by hitting, or by using words, eye-contact, and soft touches? Whichever you

choose, be sure your behavior is likewise.

“Do as I Say, Not as I Do.”

We’ve all seen it. The Grand Pooh-bah of all inconsistencies. “Stop hitting

your brother!” ….followed by a smack. How can a child make sense of being hit

for hitting? How can an adult say hitting is not allowed, when they themselves

will hit? Spanking, particularly for physical aggression, is hypocrisy and will send

confusing messages at the very least. Very likely, it will also degrade your

position as a trusted adult and mentor.

“Might Makes Right.”

For some children, spanking sends the message that it’s not OK to

hit…..unless you’re bigger/in charge/ a grown up. Consequently, many children

will feel justified “spanking” other children when they are the older one, the

bigger one, or simply want to be in charge. This also creates problems as children

grow into adolescents. If spanking has been the primary response to

misbehavior, the relationship can become combative as parent and child begin to

be on equal planes physically.

“My Love and Protection are Conditional.”

Particularly for very young children, being struck by an otherwise loving caregiver

is very confusing. It may begin to send the message that the child is “bad” and

“deserves” to be hurt.

A Question…

When you spank, are you truly trying to guide the child’s behavior, or are

you reacting to your own urges and overpowering anger and frustration?

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Responsibly guiding a child can never be done out of anger. That doesn’t

mean we don’t feel angry, but anger can’t be the source of our action. Guidance

has to come from love and respect and a desire to shape positive behavior. Not a

desire to vent our frustrations, or to punish with pain.

Better Tools

Many people are skeptic when they hear a parent will not spank. They

envision a passive, laissez faire parent with an unruly child as a result. But it isn’t

a lack of spanking that causes poor behavior. It is the lack of tools. Spanking

is a broken tool. But it’s a tool many people cling to because it’s the only one

they have. Once parents become aware of a full assortment of tools they can use

as a replacement to effectively guide child behavior in a positive way, they can be

more confident as they lay their broken tools aside.

2-Time-Out!

The other tool that is often misused or overused is time-out. Time-out

began as an alternative to corporal punishment, and as such is a great

improvement. The problem is that too many people are using it as their only

tool, and implementing it at inappropriate times. Or they’re using it in

inappropriate ways – as in, turning it into a two-hour wrestling match with a 2

year old. Some have likened it to a modern day dunce stooli, seeking to reform

through shame and broken will, but doing nothing to teach positive social skills.

We have to get away from the idea that we’re using time-out to punish the child –

creating a war of wills to demonstrate just exactly who the boss is – and use it as

an opportunity to coach children towards success in their behavior. It’s not the

only tool, and it’s quite often not even the best tool. Let’s talk a little about the

appropriate ways to use time-out, and later on in this book I’ll address some

alternatives to time-out.

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Time-Outs are for Coaching

I’m very happy to let you all know that I won the March Madness bracket

competition in my husband’s family this year. Now, I’m no bracketologist. I tend

to make my picks based on which state the team is from, or who has the cooler

sounding name, and I like to pick the underdog as much as reason will allow. I

missed a lot of picks in my bracket, but the one pick that put me over the rest of

the pool was when I chose Duke. That pick I made based on the fact that I knew

who their coach was.

Coach Mike Krzyzewski (that’s not a spelling error) or Coach K as he’s

referred to (for obvious reasons) is one remarkable man. He’s the “winningest”

active coach in the NCAA. He’s coached Duke to 4 national championships and

multiple Final Fours. The team has become a fixture in the tournament. He also

coached a struggling United States basketball team to gold in 2008. I knew

Coach K was a transformative coach.

Great coaches can make all the difference. We as parents act as coaches as

we help children prepare for, and navigate, the social world.

Practice Makes Perfect Permanent

Coaches don’t just show up at game time. They must prepare their

players. They run their athletes through hours of drills and training so that the

skills they need in those critical minutes of play will be a natural response.

Likewise, we as parents and teachers can help children practice social skills so

that they can become habit. Practice might come in the form of role-playing,

practicing scripts for challenging situations, even playing games. We can

prepare children for situations before they arise by clearly explaining

expectations. (“We’re going to go to the library. In the library you need to use a

soft voice, and make sure your feet are walking.”)

Whether it’s a sport or social skills, a big part of coaching takes place

before the critical moments. All great coaches know that preparation leads to

success.

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Game Time

The coach could hope to do such a wonderful job preparing his players that

he can just sit back and enjoy the game. However, coaches know that the actual

game often presents challenges that are different from those they had prepared

for, or that the players get caught up in the intensity and forget their basic skills.

Sometimes players need reminders from the sideline. Sometimes, the team gets

so off-course, the coach has to pause the game, and have a serious discussion.

So he calls a time-out.

Parents coach in much the same way. Sometimes we give reminders from

the sideline. (“Remember to ask if you can have a turn when he’s done.”)

Sometimes we have to “call time-out” and have a more serious discussion.

Time-Out

Imagine a coach like Coach K calling a time-out and saying, “You guys

aren’t playing very well.” Then he just sits all his players down on the bench while

he leaves to make a phone call or clean up some spilled popcorn a few rows up.

Then, when the 30 seconds allotted for that time-out have expired, he walks

back to the team and says, “OK, you can go back out now. I want you to play

better, alright?” Any spectator would say, “He’s not doing his job!”

Too often, the traditional time-out looks much like the ridiculous scenario I

just described. We sit a child in “Time-Out” and somehow expect that the child’s

behavior will change when she returns to play. Without coaching, the child is

returning to play with the exact same set of skills she had when she went into

time-out. Or we turn the entire time-out time into a battle of wills where the

objective is not to teach social skills, but to teach them to sit and stay.

When Coach K calls a time-out, he gives his players a chance to catch their

breath and refocus. He gives clear and concise directions and expectations. Then

he sends his players back out with a plan.

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When we call for a coaching time-out with children, we do much the same.

We first give them a chance to step out of a charged situation, calm down, and

refocus. Then we need to teach.

We have to be specific and clear as we socially coach children. If we don’t

say what we need to see, children will have a difficult time making that

conceptual leap on their own. In general, I encourage people to verbalize the

thought process they would hope the child would follow. It sounds like a long

process, and you will often feel like you are stating the obvious. But obvious to

an adult is not always obvious to a child. Just like running basic drills, this

coaching helps that internal process to become natural.

The skeleton of the social coaching process might look like this:

Describe what happened, and label feelings involved. “Karen, I noticed you’re

throwing that playdough. I know you’re excited, but we can’t throw the

playdough.”

Ask/Describe what would be a better choice. “When we throw the playdough, it

gets smashed into the carpet and ruins the floor and the playdough. Where do you

think we should play with the playdough? Yeah, the table is the best place to play

with the playdough.”

If necessary, help the child make retribution. “OK Karen, let’s get this

playdough picked up and back onto the table where it belongs.”

Remind again about that better choice. “Remember to keep the playdough on

the table this time.”

Return the child to play. Believe she can succeed. Be there to support.

Basketball coaches are given more than one time-out per game. Similarly,

when a child stumbles again socially you might need to call another time-out

again and repeat the process. Very young children usually need multiple learning

opportunities to create independent skills. However, just as a coach will

eventually make adjustments to help his team run more smoothly, if problems

continue you may need to redirect. (“Karen, we’ve talked twice about keeping

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the playdough on the table and you are still choosing to throw it. It looks like you’re

going to need to find another area to play for a while. Let’s go build something with

the blocks.”)

Coach K says, “Discipline is doing what you are supposed to do in the best

possible manner at the time you are supposed to do it.” With time, coaching,

and practice, we can hope to be transformative coaches as well, and instill

that same discipline in the children that we love and teach.

Other Alternatives to the Traditional Time-Out

Some people do actually use time-out in an appropriate way. They don’t

use it to punish every behavioral mistake. It is used when a child has lost control

and needs to move to another area to regain control. In these instances the

parent may go with the child to a quiet area to scaffold the cooling off process.

Perhaps the child needs to be coached through deep breaths or responds calmly

to being held. In some cases the adult simply sits nearby as a steadying

influence. When the child regains calm, the adult talks briefly and directly about

the behavior, what was unacceptable, and helps the child talk through what

would be more appropriate in the future. When the child is ready, she makes

appropriate amends and returns to where she was. Some practitioners call this

“Time-In” signifying that sometimes time in a closer proximity to a caring adult is

more effective than time alone when a child is trying to gain self-control.

Another variation of time-out is giving an area, by whatever name,

where a child can choose to go to regain control. A “Power Chair”, “Bench

Time”, or a “Thinking Spot”. Whenever a child needs some time to cool down, he

can choose to go to this safe place and have some calm and space. You may

want to coach him to go there, (“It looks like you need some space. Do want to take

a break in your pillow pile?”) This teaches time out as a skill for future behavior –

disengaging and regaining control – rather than using it as a penalty for

unlearned behavior. We all need to learn to keep or regain our cool, and we

shouldn’t teach children that it is a punishment to find the space to do that.

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Offering a choice and holding children to reasonable consequences may

also be better alternatives to time-out. If a child is not behaving appropriately

in one situation you may give her a choice of other activities. For example,

“Sarah, throwing sand can get it in people’s eyes and that hurts. The sand needs to

stay by your feet.” (Sarah throws sand again.) “Sarah, throwing sand can hurt

people. I can’t let you play here when you’re doing something that can hurt people.

Would you like to do an art project inside or ride trikes? When you are ready to keep

the sand by your feet you are welcome to play here.”

Sarah may leave to play elsewhere and later return to play appropriately.

She has learned what the limits are in the sandbox and has gained a working

understanding of what it will take to play there. Rather than getting the generic,

“I’m bad” or “I’m in trouble” message of time-out, she gained specific information

that will help her in the future (“I can only play here when I keep the sand by my

feet,”). Some view this as a “Time Away” approach, giving children time away

from a specific activity or person and explaining what behavior is required to

return.

So if you currently use time-out, take a look at how you implement it. Are

you using it when another tool might be more effective? Are you simply sending

children away to get them “out of your hair” and avoiding the teachable

moment? Are you viewing it as an unpleasant punishment that will lead to

deterring future behaviors, expecting children to fill in the gaps for appropriate

behavior themselves, or do you actively teach and guide them through their

behavioral mishaps?

Just a few things to think about! Maybe you should find a good “Thinking

Spot” of your own and mull them over!

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Chapter Four: CARE Enough to Understand

the Source

When children present us with their most challenging behaviors, it is easy

to fixate on what they’re doing that gets under our skin. We claim the behavior

as the source of our frustration: he throws tantrums, she won’t listen, they don’t

share. But change rarely comes by focusing only on the symptoms. We have

to care enough to get to the source. Using the acronym CARE can help you do

just that. CARE stands for Cause, Action, Reaction, and Expectation. If I really

want to get to the root of a behavior, I would do it using these four aspects. Let

me walk you through each one.

Sources of Behavior

Some of you are reading that title and thinking, “Sources of behavior? That

three year-old having a tantrum on the carpet – THAT’S the source of behavior!”

Now, right from the start, I need to say that I am not implying that we absolve

children of all responsibility for their choices. But at the same time, if we can be

observant and consider what may be triggering those choices, we can know how

to use that moment as a teaching opportunity and take preventative steps in the

future as well. Rather than putting a “band-aid” on each time, we can take a

directed approach at stemming future misbehavior.

For No Reason

Just as an example, I recently worked with a group of teachers and one

expressed concern over a child who was aggressive and hitting “for no reason”.

Now, it did appear to be for no reason, there was no provocation from the other

children. But it’s difficult for me to accept “for no reason” as a behavioral

description. It seems all you can do for “no reason” is let the child know the

behavior is not appropriate and then give a generic, and often inappropriate

punishment (like a “naughty chair”) that will have little corrective influence, as it

was not tied in an authentic way to the source of the behavior. As I probed a bit

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into this particular situation the teachers realized that he usually acted out

against one child in particular, and that child was what they called “an easy

target”. Now this little tidbit differentiated the act for me.

If the child was aggressive toward children he liked and usually played

with, I would say the source of his behavior was a language limitation or social

skill need. He was likely trying to enter play and didn’t know how and so he hit

children to get their attention. For that child, I would say teaching and practicing

the words “Can I Play” would be effective.

With one “easy target” as the primary victim, my inclination would be to

say that this child is seeking power. He sees an easy target he knows he can

dominate and so he acts out in a way that makes him feel powerful. For that

child, I suggested that the teachers find other ways to make the child feel

powerful, in an attempt to replace the negative behavior. Perhaps he could have

a job-- watering the plants or turning off the lights when they go outside for

example. To help with his social skills, maybe he could even have a chance

to teach other children (his usual victim in particular) how to do the job. That way

he feels powerful in a positive and cooperative way. He is still responsible for his

own actions, and when he hits, there still needs to be an appropriate response

from his teachers, but by recognizing the source of the behavior, the teachers can

teach him to find more positive ways to meet the same need.

Many Causes

There’s no way I could make a list of every source of challenging child

behaviors. Some days it’s because the Buzz Lightyear undies were in the laundry,

other days it’s because somebody dared to look/breathe/talk/or walk the “wrong

way”. But there are a few ways to categorize the typical causes. Here are a few

of the most common sources, just to get you thinking and recognizing some of

the sources for yourself.

Environmental

Pay attention to the environmental factors that may contribute to the

behavior. Is the furniture type or furniture arrangement encouraging a behavior?

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As an example, when I was working with a group of preschoolers as a large group,

the best spot to sit them all down was near their book area. However, it seemed

like every time we sat down, several children would run back and forth to the

book shelf, finding new books to read. I was frustrated, until I realized, that’s the

purpose of a book shelf! It is supposed to encourage children to read! So, I

attached some Velcro to the top of the bookshelf, and the other side of the

Velcro to a pocket chart. Every time we needed to use that area as a large group,

I simply covered the shelf with the pocket chart. Now the books were no longer a

temptation, and I had a handy pocket chart to help me with our activities!

If challenging behaviors tend to occur in the same situations, look at the

environment for cues it may be giving your child. Is the book case just screaming

“I’m a ladder!” or is that chair nest to your counter whispering “I’ll tell you how to

get to the cookies”? Are you unwittingly creating invitations for challenging

behaviors?

What can be done in your own home environment to discourage the

undesired behavior? Do outlets need to be covered? Could furniture be

rearranged (this particularly applies to inappropriate climbing, running, or

jumping)? What environmental factors in and out of your home maybe

challenging or overstimulating to your child (too crowded, noisy, etc.)?

Routine

Children crave consistency. If you find that a child’s undesired behaviors

occur when there are changes to your routine, that might be the impetus. A new

school, a later naptime, a skipped bath. Children find security in their routines.

For some, the smallest change may cause them to feel like their whole world has

turned upside down.

Transition times are a common spark for behavioral flare-ups. Bed times,

separations, and pretty much any time you have to get into the car! Build a

routine into your transitions to ease the common resistance. Bedtime may start

with a bath or story time, a kiss and hug always come before leaving for school,

and each child waits with a book on the bench while Mom gets the keys. Prepare

yourself and your children for these transitions to ease the way for both of you.

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Wait times within a routine are notorious for triggering misbehavior. Limit

waiting and look ahead for potential wait times and be sure to fill them with

appropriate activities (books, songs, etc.). Additionally, examine your routine to

be sure that the behavioral expectations you place on your children are

appropriate to their ages and developmental levels.

The Big People

We, as parents, play a role in children’s behavior as well. We need to be

sure that we have a positive attitude and communicate love and respect in our

tone, our words, and our actions. We can use all the “right” words, but if we don’t

feel it and believe it, our children will hear the truth in our voices.

Family factors have a huge impact on children. Divorce and death are

obvious family stressors on a child, but so is the addition of a new sibling, or even

a new pet! When a child moves, that will clearly cause stress as well, but so will

the relocation of a grandparent or friend who used to live nearby. As children

enter school or have babysitters, the relationships they build with those adults

will grow and change and have a big influence on them as well. We can’t always

control the factors that will affect our children. They will inevitably be influenced

by the choices of others. But we can be aware of those changes and their

potential effects. Likewise, as parents, teachers, and caregivers we have a

partnership. We can’t control the other partner, but we can communicate and

educate and work effectively as a team.

The Little People

Last of all, but certainly not least of all, we must consider aspects of the child,

unique traits, temperaments, and needs that may influence behavior. Each

person is unique, and so again, I couldn’t enumerate every trait and need right

here even if I wanted to, but I can highlight some of the most frequent triggers

here and help you to recognize others as they arise.

Temperament. Each person has different preferences and thresholds for

annoyances. Temperament comes in a wide spectrum, but as I work with

the Children’s Center, we teach a quick categorization of temperament is

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Flexible, Fearful, and Feisty. I happen to have all three in my boys. One is

easy-going, another is a bit anxious and sensitive, and another is a robust

button-pusher. Now that’s not to say that my “fearful” son isn’t also

frequently flexible, or that my flexible son never throws a fit, but it does help

me to recognize what their natural fall-back pattern might be. When

we recognize a child’s temperament, it helps us to know how to support and

give guidance adequately. It helps us to recognize that “fair” does not mean

that we treat everyone the same way. We tailor responses to meet their

needs and personalities. For example, you may need to warn fearful

children before operating a loud appliance, like a blender, giving them time

to find a quiet spot or cover their ears. Where one child may not need this

support, another may become very upset without it.

Physical Needs. Some obvious triggers in this category would be the need

for movement, need for food, need for sleep. When we can be aware of

these needs and meet them, children are less likely to rely on other

behaviors to get their needs met.

Verbal Ability. A child needs to be able to communicate and to be

understood. That’s a tall order for some of our young ones. For many, their

emotions, desires, and ideas far exceed their ability to communicate. This

frustration can lead to aggression as a compensatory action.

Level of Social Skill. Behavior may be an indicator of a lack of social skills

that need to be taught and developed. We have to ask ourselves if the child

has been taught proper behavior, as well as whether or not that desired

behavior is appropriate to the child’s age.

Need for Power. We all like to have control. For young children that

craving is intense. They want to be independent, but are still developing the

skills that allow that independence. Some children are so desperate for

power that they act out, just because they feel a sense of control by being

able to “cause” your predictable reaction. Others simply melt down when

they feel that they have been robbed of power, either by not having

been given choices, having something taken away, or not being able to

accomplish something independently.

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Need for Attention. For many children negative attention beats no

attention. They’ll act out in an effort to get you near them, or to get you or

other children to notice them. They want the validation of knowing that

they have been heard.

Taking the time to discern the cause of behavior allows us to address the

behavior in a more effective way, rather than simply reacting to the visible

action. Try this analogy: Like anyone else, I tend to get headaches from time to

time. This is the action, the symptom. I can treat that headache with some

ibuprofen, and the problem may be solved for a while. But if the headaches

continue, I need to find out what is causing them so that I can treat them more

effectively. If my headache stems from chronic dehydration, I need to drink more

water. If it’s from my overindulgence in chocolate (it happens from time to time),

then I need to consciously cut back there. If I’ve only been functioning on four

hours of sleep for each of the past three days, a nap may be in order. If I continue

to ignore the actual source and continue to only treat the symptom, my health

could be in real danger.

We owe it to our children to do the same with their behavior. If we simply treat

the symptom, the behavior, with a generic treatment like time-out, we may be

putting their moral and personal growth and development in real danger. We

need to take the time to get to the source of the behavior to be able to effectively

meet our children’s needs.

A Little Detective Work

I grew up watching Perry Mason during my father’s lunch break and Murder She

Wrote on Sunday nights. It was always a race to put together all the pieces and

parts to solve the puzzle before the protagonist (or anyone in my family).

Sometimes a story that seemed to point one direction would suddenly take a

turn on one tiny detail and immediately the whole picture became clear. It was

the missing button, or the time stamp at the bottom of a receipt, or the flashlight

with no batteries. Inconsequential things in and of themselves, but when put in

the context of the other information, they brought the full story to light.

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Sometimes the sources of our child’s misbehavior is staring us right in the face.

He’s obviously exhausted because he got up at 5:30 this morning, or she’s having a

meltdown because she wants a toy I won’t buy and she’s just frustrated. But

sometimes we can not, for the life of our sanity, figure out what could be

motivating our child’s maddening behavior. He’s never been a biter and now he’s

bitten his brother – twice! She’s usually so cheerful but now she’s crying every

morning.

When we have a hard time figuring out the source of the behavior, it can help

to take a look at all the other little pieces of the puzzle to see if they help create a

clearer picture. Just like a detective uses that cool little notebook to track the

clues, you can jot down some clues to help you understand your child’s behavior.

To organize these pieces, I created the CARE system, along with a form that can

be found at the end of the chapter, or downloaded here. Here are the parts:

Cause

While the cause is the first thing listed– the antecedent to the action– it is

sometimes the last thing we can decipher. If you’re filling out a CARE form, you

may need to start with a question mark in that category and move on to the

others. Often, it is the process of filling out the other aspects that causes you to

uncover the root cause.

Actions

This is where we usually fixate, but it is really the simplest part of the

equation. What is the behavior? The answer is purely objective. Avoid inserting

interpretations and simply describe the facts.

Reaction

Next comes the reaction. This is another objective aspect. What happened

next? How did the child react? How did the other people involved react? How

did you react? Particularly when a behavior is repetitive, the payoff often comes

from the reaction. Whether it is a playmate’s scream or a parent’s bribe, the

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reaction may be the reinforcement. This can give you some insight into what is

feeding the behavior.

Expectations

Challenging behaviors are only challenging within the context of

relationships. We each have our own systems and expectations and when those

clash with each other, we find ourselves having problems. We insist on a healthy

dinner before treats, and our child asserts that suckers are dinner. Our

expectations are different.

It is important to account for the interplay of expectations because that is

where the conflict really lies. Depending upon expectations, two different

parents may see the same behavior and one call it “challenging” and the other

call it “normal”. We can take a look at this relational factor by examining the

child’s expectations (what we interpret they are communicating or trying to

accomplish), as well as our own expectations. As we consider what the child’s

expectations are, we can find ways to teach them to get what they desire in a

more appropriate way. We can also look at what we expect of them so that we

can first check to see if our expectations are developmentally appropriate, and

also clearly define what skill or behavior needs to be taught and encouraged.

Let’s look at how this applies to specific scenarios.

First Scenario: Emily is frequently stubborn and openly defiant. You observe her

and fill out your CARE sheet this way:

C: Need for power

A: Emily was told to put on her shoes and she responded with “No! I don’t want

to!” She sat with arms folded, staring at her mom.

R: Mom forced Emily’s shoes on to her feet which Emily responded to by

throwing a fit.

E: Mom expects Emily to comply. Emily expects to call her own shots.

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Once you’ve collected the information, and considered that Emily’s needs

and expectation are for power, you can make a more informed decision about

how to address future situations. If Mom needs compliance but Emily needs

power, give Emily fair warning before the transition, and then allow her to make

some of the choices. Rather than “put on your shoes“, the child seeking power

may respond better to, “We need to leave in five minutes. Do you want to wear

these shoes or those shoes?”

Here’s another scenario: Tommy consistently struggles with sharing and

frequently takes toys from others. An observation may look like this:

C: Hmmm. Let’s put a question mark here for now. Why isn’t he sharing? Let’s

look at the rest of the picture and see if that helps.

A: Tommy’s sister is playing with a toy dog. Tommy walks up and pulls the dog

from her without saying anything and begins playing with it in another part of the

room.

R: Tommy’s sister screamed. Dad returned the dog and helped Tommy choose a

new toy.

E: Dad expects Tommy to take turns and share. Tommy expected to keep the

toy.

So we look at the situation again, and question ourselves about the cause.

The most effective response will only come if we address the right cause. In

situations like this, my first guess is usually that the child hasn’t been taught how

to share or negotiate. So I might start off by coaching Tommy through a script

for sharing or teach him how to negotiate a trade.

However, if after a series of observations, we find that Tommy always

takes toys away from the same child, or always from smaller or younger children,

particularly if he’s been taught proper social skills and has shown that he can use

them in other situations, Tommy may be seeking a feeling of power. I would

recommend giving Tommy opportunities to feel positive power by giving

him jobs and responsibilities, asking him to help you and others (particularly the

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usual “targets”) and commending him for his helpfulness, and emphasizing that

“big kids know how important it is to share” or “now that you’re four, you’re getting

really good at taking turns with your friends”.

You may not always need a CARE form to analyze behavior. Sometimes

the smoking gun is right in front of your face. Or it may just be that you consider

the four aspects mentally and can quickly zero in on where the source of the

problem lies. But if the same baffling behavior is recurring, it may be helpful to

jot down some details over a few instances and then look for patterns. When we

care enough to take the time to really consider what challenging behavior is

all about, we can learn to recognize how to best help children overcome it.

Guidance, Not an Excuse

Again, I don’t point out these behavior sources as an excuse for

inappropriate behavior. I don’t want you saying, “Oh, it’s just too crowded in

here. That’s why Jimmy pushed.” And go on with your day. I point out the sources

so that you can teach Jimmy how to appropriately handle the situation in the

future. Without recognizing the source, all you can say is, “Pushing is not OK,

Jimmy,” which doesn’t give Jimmy any instruction for handling a similar

subsequent experience. When you recognize that Jimmy pushes when he feels

crowded, you can give him tools, such as teaching him the phrase, “Excuse me, I

need more space,” or helping him to find a quiet spot, or even being able to

verbalize to you, “I feel crowded.” We can also pre-empt a potentially difficult

experience by saying, “Jimmy, this room will be a little crowded. If you start to feel

uncomfortable, you let me know and we’ll find a quiet place.” Once we know the

behavior’s source we can choose appropriate preventative actions and

thoughtful reactions for that particular source. Wouldn’t you know, that’s the

topic of the next section!

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CARE Child: Date:

Cause: What is the motivation or source of behavior?

Action: Describe the behavior in an objective way.

Reaction: What reactions can you observe from all those affected?

Expectations: What did the child expect would happen? What

behavior do you expect from the child?

::: Look for patterns over time to help fill in the missing pieces. :::

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Chapter Five: Newton’s Law…Sort of

Back in your junior high science class, you probably learned about that guy

Newton, who about 300 years ago explained the laws of physics that govern

motion. As I’m sure you remember, he postulated that for every action, there is

an equal and opposite reaction. When you push against a wall, the energy of

your action is transmitted in the reaction. If you’re pushing against a closed door

in your house, you can feel the pressure in your hand. That’s the energy of the

reaction. If you’re pushing against an open door, the energy is transferred to the

door, which, as a reaction, moves until it shuts.

The science of physics is nice and clear-cut. The door doesn’t get to think

about whether or not it wants to close, it simply reacts to your action. The

science of human relationships is not quite so predictable. To continue to use the

door metaphor, you may press against that door, and not know whether you will

get the door to move as you had hoped, or simply the tension and pressure of a

closed, fixed door. A simple request for your children to put on their pajamas

may send one skipping to the bedroom and another sprawled out, flailing on the

floor, lamenting all the cruelties and injustices of his young life.

Where physics and humanity retain their similarity is in the fact that both

motion and relationships rely upon the interplay of actions and reactions. In

physics, the reactions are bound by scientific laws. Human reactions are

influenced by emotion, circumstance, environment, and relationships. The

trouble is, too many people are going through life as though they have the same

reactive power as a door. Things happen and they instantly react. Others try to

go through life doing all the pushing, and can’t understand why so many doors

feel closed, never moving and only building tension.

Perhaps that’s enough with the door metaphor. Here’s a story my father-

in-law has often told me, from when he was teaching a parenting class years ago.

A mother lamented that every day her son would come home from school, slam

the door shut, throw his books on the counter, and the two would begin arguing.

She described the scene as a victim, one who could only react to her son’s

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actions. My father-in-law asked what she thought would happen if she met her

son at the door. Well, he couldn’t really slam it could he? What if on the counter

there were cookies? There wouldn’t be a spot to throw his books anymore. What

if instead of arguing, she chose to sit down, share a snack, and talk about how his

day was? It sounds too idyllic to some, but the mother tried it, and it worked! It

wasn’t necessarily about the fresh cookies or the door, but it was about

recognizing her power to take action instead of play the victim.

What I’m getting at is, when it comes to your child’s behavior, do you

recognize the opportunities you have to take preventative actions, and respond

with thoughtful purposeful reactions? I’m not a physicist, I don’t have a

powdered wig, and I can’t read or write in Latin, but I took a little liberty with

Newton’s third law to create a maxim more applicable to my life as a parent.

For every child’s action, there can be a thoughtful and

purposeful reaction.

AND

A preventative action may precede and even alter each

child’s reaction.

Preventative Actions and Thoughtful Reactions

As I mentioned before, we have to let go of the notion that we as adults

need to control children’s behavior, and instead put the focus on helping them

build their own self-control. Don’t make it about you! It is their behavior, you are

their guide.

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There are some things we can control within each situation however.

Among them, are the preventative actions we can take before a negative

situation ever arises, as well as the thoughtful reactions we can have to that

behavior.

Preventative Actions

When I talk about preventative actions, I am not implying that we need to

remove all challenges from the lives of our children. As I’ve mentioned before, it

is not our job to keep them from all conflict and disappointment, it is to teach

them how to appropriately deal with those situations. If we create a

preternaturally utopian situation for our children, where nothing is challenging,

they will not build the necessary coping skills for real life.

What I am implying is that a person can only take so much. We’ve all had those

days where we feel crushed under a dog pile of “little things”. That threshold for

“so much” is even less for our little ones. If we can take care to avoid meltdowns

that could be preventable, our children are more likely to have the reserves to

deal with other challenges that will inevitably happen.

Meet Their Needs. I mentioned in the earlier section, that a lot of

undesired behaviors occur because a child’s need has not been met. It is logical

then, that paying attention to meeting those needs will prevent such behaviors.

Physical needs are an obvious one. We all make sure our little ones have enough

food and rest before any taxing activity. What parent or teacher doesn’t have a

stash of snacks somewhere, just in case the natives become restless? Different

children may have other needs. For example, thrill seekers may have a need for

more rough and tumble play within safe boundaries to fill their need for

excitement, in place of other unsafe sources.

Avoid the Power Grab. The same applies for the need for power. When

we build up the child’s stockpile of power and success, she becomes less

compelled to take that power forcefully, through aggression or a meltdown. We

build a child’s sense of power by giving appropriate choices and responsibilities

and providing opportunities for success. Sensory activities and open-ended art

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activities are both great for building successful experiences as there is no wrong

way to participate in these tasks. Working within a child’s growing ability level

(or ZPD) also helps build success and limit undue frustration.

Prepare. We can help a child succeed in any given situation by preparing

them ahead of time. We can clearly explain our expectations particularly right

before the experience happens. (“We’re going to visit Chloe’s new baby brother.

He’s brand new and tiny, so we need to keep our voices and bodies soft and quiet.”)

We can also help children who have limited language abilities or social skills by

giving them “social scripts” to help them when those specific social situations

arise. As I’ll discuss later, I am a big believer in teaching social skills directly and

then coaching children through authentic social experiences as they arise during

play.

Build Relationships. Another proactive step we can take is to build

positive relationships with our children based on trust and respect. They need to

know that they are loved just for being, not just for being good. When we make

the time to give them our attention, they will feel less driven to gain attention

through negative means.

Reduce Temptations. Check the child’s surroundings. Have you

inadvertently created a temptation? A hot pan of cookies on the counter right

next to a stool is just begging for someone to touch it. Markers left out near a

blank wall might find a safer home near a stack of paper. We shouldn’t prevent

children from ever making a bad choice (in fact, we really couldn’t even if we

wanted to) but some temptations are just too much to bear. We shouldn’t set

children up for failure.

Thoughtful Reactions

We can also control how we react to a child’s chosen behavior. Rather than

presenting an angry, rash reaction, we want to have thoughtful reactions that

serve to teach and guide the child’s behavior, not just vent our irritation.

Remember that your reaction to an undesired behavior is modeling to that child

how to deal with frustration and maintain self-control.

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Immediacy. Make your reaction as immediate as possible so that the child

can still connect your reaction to his action. If you wait too long, the child will not

likely remember what brought on your response.

Find the Calm Together. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you can

not effectively teach, and a child can not effectively learn if either of you is still

too upset. It helps to remember that the child’s behavior is not about you. It is

about a young child trying to gain self-control. Mistakes are going to happen

along the way to learning that skill. Patience comes from understanding.

Taking deep breaths is a great way to calm down. As you show the child

how to do it, you will likely find yourself calmer as well. Another method I like to

use for a child that needs to calm down is the trick candle. Holding my hand in a

fist with my thumb up, I tell the child that I have a candle she needs to blow out. I

may wiggle the “flame” a bit, and encourage her to blow harder. With a hard

enough blow, the “flame” goes out….only to pop up again and again. This

technique helps the child take a few deep breaths and usually gets a laugh as

well.

Some children are soothed by physical touch, while others need space.

Some want to be still while others require movement to work out their feelings.

Help each child to find what works for her and talk about that technique so that

she can do it on her own when it’s needed in the future.

Constructive Talk. Once you’re both calm, you can explicitly explain what

was unacceptable about the child’s behavior and give appropriate alternatives

and clear limits. While talking about the behavior, it is important to validate the

emotion, in spite of the action. (“It’s OK to feel angry, but it’s not OK to hit people.

You can hit this pillow if that makes you feel better.”) Feeling angry or sad or

frustrated isn’t wrong. We’ve felt all of those emotions ourselves. To be

successful, children just need to learn how to appropriately handle those

emotions.

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Part Two: Inside the Toolbox

“It is easier to build strong children than

to repair broken men.”

- Frederick Douglass

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Chapter Six: The Tools

The next ten sections outline some of the tools you can use to practice

positive guidance in your home. The list progresses from proactive steps you can

take to create a positive environment and teach social skills and emotional

regulation in an effort to head off those difficult situations, to more responsive

tools that you would use to address difficult behaviors as they arise. This is in no

way an exhaustive list of the tools you can use to guide your children. There are

many tools we use as parents. This is simply a list of common and effective tools

for positive guidance that I find most useful in addressing difficult behaviors in

young children. You may already be using many of them yourself. The key is to

understand them and be aware of them, so that you can use them intentionally.

Here are the ten tools:

Tool #1: Proactively Teach Social Skills

Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive Behaviors

Tool #3: Say What You Need to See

Tool #4: Learn to Laugh

Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories

Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions

Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving

Tool #8: Redirect

Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences

Tool #10: Disengage

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Tool #1: Proactively Teach Social Skills

We would never assume that a child would suddenly start reading or tying

his own shoes simply because he had turned six, and yet we often assume

children will acquire social skills as a natural part of growing up. You’ve heard it

before (sometimes out of your own mouth), “You are four years old now. You

should be old enough to take turns.” The truth is, social skills are learned and we,

as parents, have to be willing to play an active and conscientious role in that

development.

Be a Role Model

Former NBA player, Charles Barkley is notorious for saying “I am not a role

model”. While this created an interesting ad campaign, and was based on good

intentions (implying parents should be a child’s primary role models, not

athletes) his statement is still a bit flawed. (Sorry, Chuck.) The truth is, any adult

in view of a child, is to some degree a role model. I mean, break down the word.

A role model is someone who demonstrates how a role is filled. They are

modeling behavior. This is contingent upon a child being able to observe you,

not upon your willingness or objection to being considered such. Children are

watching all around them and picking up cues on how to navigate social

situations. They are looking for social behavior to emulate as references for

navigating their own social situations.

They watch the clerk at the grocery store and file that away in the “How to

Be the Clerk” part of their brains. They observe the bus driver as an example of

how to fill the bus driver role. They see their grandparents filling the grandparent

role. And yes, back in the day, children even watched Charles Barkley and filed

him into a role as well. As they watch adult behavior, children are picking up cues

for social behavior, social roles, and social speech. They note how Mom takes

care of Sister Sue, and next thing you know, they’re imitating that with a doll in a

dramatic play situation, internalizing and making sense of what they’ve

observed. As the observations are refined and assimilated, parts begin to appear

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in their own behavior, even outside of play situations. As parents and teachers,

we’ve probably all had the experience of hearing one of our children lecture

another child, a doll, or even ourselves, using the same tone and words (though

sometimes in exaggerated caricature) that we have used ourselves. They are

constantly looking to adults and even peers for social examples. It’s a simple

truth for better or for worse.

Let’s talk about the better part.

One part Sir Charles did get right is that loving relationships can increase

the potency of a role model’s influence. Parents and teachers can be extremely

influential role models. As we become cognizant of this, we can use our

examples to shape and scaffold positive social behavior in the children we love

and teach. Here’s an example. I was training a group of teachers recently, when

one shared that she had spilled some milk during snack time with the children

earlier that day. She said the children were absolutely astonished! “Teacher! You

spilled the milk!” Their response displayed utter disequilibrium. First of all,

teachers are perfect, and don’t spill, right? And secondly, this teacher was

completely and perfectly calm about it. Another confusing response in the view a

young child who might panic or have a meltdown during such a calamity. This

teacher simply calmly said, “I did spill the milk. Teachers make mistakes too. How

do you think we could clean it up?” A simple incident, but a huge learning tool as

well. Through her mindful, positive modeling, this teacher taught: 1) It’s OK to

make mistakes. 2) You can stay calm when you’re disappointed. 3) We can fix

our problems. 4) Because of observing 1-3 with this teacher, a child knows it’s

safe to take a risk with this teacher; risks that are necessary for learning.

If you are working with a difficult behavior in a child, be sure to model the

behavior you would like to see. For example, if the child is having tantrums,

model being very calm. Particularly when the child is having a meltdown! If the

child is being aggressive, be sure you are not responding with

aggression yourself. If you want your children to look at people when they are

speaking, avoid talking over your shoulder as you dart around the room. If you

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have a shouter, model using a soft voice. Get down and play with your children,

modeling good social skills like turn-taking and positive scripts for sharing toys.

Take note of your own behavior. Is it being reflected in the children you

love and teach? Is it behavior you would want reflected? As one test, imagine if a

child spoke to you the way you speak to him or around him. How would you

feel? If you’re uncomfortable, reconsider your own behavior. Think also of the

challenging behaviors you’re trying to modify in a child. Can you teach through

modeling, either explicitly (as in role playing) or implicitly in your every day

encounters with the child?

Ralph Waldo Emerson is quoted as saying, “Your actions speak so loudly

that I cannot hear what you say.” This is so true with young children. Their

language centers are still developing, so some of what we say may not always get

through. But they are also keen observers; what we do will almost always be

noted. These little ones can be like mirrors in a fun house. We see our own

motions and actions but in another form in front of us. Make sure your own

behavior is such that you would be OK seeing it again in the children around you!

Have a Lesson Plan

I’m a big believer in teaching social skills directly. Taking the opportunity

to teach social skills outside of emotionally charged moments helps children

process things more logically and prepares them for the challenges ahead. You

can do this in a variety of ways to be sure that you’re teaching the skills your

children need to be socially successful.

Teach Social Scripts. Think through the simplest way for your child

to verbally communicate their social needs. This might be “Can I

have a turn after you, please?” or “Excuse me,” or “Thank you.” As

you discuss the social concepts around the scripts (it’s not polite to

take toys away, push people, or be ungrateful) you can connect

them with a consistent phrase that can then be practiced. Later on,

as real-life situations arise, you can refer back to these simple

phrases to remind your child of your discussion.

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Role Play. Act out difficult social situations yourselves, or use

puppets or toys to represent the characters in the story. Involve your

child in the problem-solving process as an objective observer of a

moral dilemma. Help them to see both sides of the situation. Then

talk about ways to connect the situation to real life.

For example, if you find your child is constantly interrupting you,

have two people talk to your child at the same time. Ask if he was

able to understand what both people were saying. Then agree on an

appropriate way to get attention or a signal that you can give him to

let him know that you will get to him when it’s his turn. (Some

parents put a finger up, hold the child’s hand, or put a hand on their

child’s shoulder until they are ready to give their attention.) Role play

again and have your child use the signal. Then trade roles so that

your child knows the procedure from both sides.

Play Games. Create games that teach social skills. This can be as

simple as requiring that everyone works together, has to take turns,

or use a social script to proceed. Anyone heard of the game “Mother

May I”? I have a feeling somebody’s mom wanted to teach the

appropriate way to politely ask for permission.

As you teach social skills try to keep it relevant, simple, and playful. Use a

cheerful tone, rather than diving into a preachy lecture or your session may

become a power struggle and eventually backfire!

Remind yourself that children don’t come to us with a full set of social

skills. But the good news is they do come to us. And with our help, they will

start on that path to social grace.

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Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive

Behaviors Encouragement

Using encouragement as a tool to promote appropriate behavior in

children seems to be pretty simple. But there are a few things to be mindful of.

Encouragement vs. Judgment

First of all, there is a difference between encouragement and praise, which

often comes in the form of judgment. Let me give you an example. Mary has

spent the last 20 minutes in deep concentration as she completes a puzzle that is

very complicated for her age. Here are the two different styles of response.

Encouragement: “You spent a long time on that puzzle, and now it’s all finished!

How do you feel about that? Was it hard?” Praise: “Good Job!”

Here’s another. Jaime has just learned how to pump on a swing all on his

own. Encouragement: “Jaime! You are doing the pumping all on your own! Look

how high you’re going! Your muscles must be getting so strong!” Praise: “Way to

go!” Now you’ll notice that in these two situations, the statements of

encouragement are very specific in describing the behavior. The statements of

praise are so vague, they’re actually interchangeable. That is the first problem

with praise, a lack of specificity.

Be Specific

Encouragement should describe the behavior or action you want to

promote. When you simply say, “Good Job!” the child has few ways of knowing

what action in the last 5 minutes you are referring to. Now, I’m not saying that

“Good Job!” should forever be stricken from our lexicon, but I do think it’s used

too often and any phrase that is over-used loses its meaning. Children begin to

notice when you simply respond to everything with a generic phrase of praise.

Instead, whenever your preferred statement of praise slips out, follow it up with a

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more specific form of encouragement. Let your generic statement become your

“buzzer” reminding you to be descriptive.

Avoid Judgment

Here’s another scenario for you. Lupita has come to you with a painting.

Think about these two responses. Praise: “Wow, Lupita! This painting is

amazing! It’s so beautiful!” Encouragement: “Oh Lupita, thank you for showing

me your painting! I see you used red, and yellow, and a very bright green over here.

Will you tell me about your painting?” First of all, Lupita may have simply been

cleaning off the brushes and bringing you the paper to throw away. When she

hears you react with such statements of praise, she begins to doubt the sincerity

of your other responses as well. Asking for her input clarifies some of her

motivation and shows more sincere interest. Secondly, the statement of praise

judges the painting, communicating to Lupita that your opinion is what matters

in valuing her work. Responding with encouragement not only communicates to

Lupita that you value her work, but that you value her opinion as well.

Ask Them

Just as in the above example, asking children how they feel about their

behavior or work gives you more insight as to their intentions and thoughts.

Likewise, it encourages internal monitoring, rather than teaching children that as

long as it gets past you it’s OK. You may compliment a child on his behavior in

one situation, when asking him to evaluate his own behavior may reveal that he

was covertly pestering the child next to him all along. Simply praising without

these details merely reinforces the negative behavior.

Read the quote at the end of this chapter. (Go ahead. I’ll wait for you.)

Simply asking children to tell you about their projects, their efforts, or their

experiences tells them more about your sincere interest in them as people and

encourages them far more than a passive, generic statement like, “Nice Work”

ever could.

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Recognize Effort and Progress, Not Just the End Product

Statements of encouragement buoy up children all along the way, and are

not reserved simply for recognizing a successful end result. For example, “It takes

a lot of practice to cut with those scissors. It seemed to be easier for you this time!”

or “You spent a long time building with those blocks!” or “You remembered almost

every word to that song!” If you really think about it, success is the result of hard

work and effort. So encourage that effort and recognize the progress along the

way.

Listen to the way to speak with your children. Do you encourage them or

do you use praise as judgment? When you catch yourself using praise

insincerely or judgmentally, rephrase and add some sincere encouragement. See

if it changes your relationship with the children you love and teach.

Reinforcement

When you hear the word “Reinforcement” in association with child

behavior, you probably think about sticker charts and prizes. And you’d be

right…..and wrong. Reinforcement is anything that increases and encourages

any particular behavior. Just as a seamstress can reinforce a seam, or a general

can reinforce the troops, reinforcement makes things stronger. In the case of

behavior, reinforcement makes a behavior stronger, more likely to occur, and

perhaps even become a habit.

External and Internal Motivators

First we must make a differentiation in terms. External motivators are

those incentives that motivate behavior based on sources outside of the child’s

own monitoring system. They behave in a certain way to please another person

(parents, teachers, etc.), and/or to earn a reward that is not necessarily relevant

to the behavior (candy, stickers, etc.). This kind of motivation usually is not

transferrable to other situations. It is limited by the presence of the external

reward. The behavior becomes based on the reward, not on the principle.

Internal motivators, on the other hand, are related to the child’s own self-

regulation. When children begin to behave in a certain way because they desire

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the natural outcome, or because they recognize and value the purpose of the

rule, that behavior becomes more permanent and transfers between situations.

For example, when Amelia realizes that she has more fun when she plays

with her sister without fighting, she is likely to carry over that realization when

she plays with her friends as well. Conversely, if Amelia’s mother is giving her

sticker rewards for playing nicely with her sister, she has no reason to play nicely

with her friends.

Reinforcement can come in the form of sticker charts and prizes, but these

external motivators tend to be effective in the short run, garnering results only as

long as the prizes are available and novel. They generally do little to change a

child’s sense of self-control, intrinsic motivation, or long-term habits. As I

mentioned earlier, external motivation may also come in the form of praise.

Now, while I am not saying that these forms of external motivation should never,

ever, ever be used, I am saying that they are frequently misused and certainly

overused. We should do more to build the child’s ability to self-regulate.

In With the Good

Positive behaviors can be reinforced in a variety of ways. It may be

through verbal encouragement. Rather than simply using our words as an

external motivator (“I love it when you clean your room!”), we can encourage by

calling their attention to the observable positive aspects of their own behavior

(“Wow! You cleaned your room! How do you think it looks? It must be so much

easier to find all your things when they’re picked up like this! And your favorite

books are much safer here on the shelf than they were on the floor.”).

Sometimes, behavior is reinforced by allowing positive logical or natural

consequences to take place. (We’ll be discussing and differentiating between the

two in a future chapter.) When a child gets ready for bed quickly, there may be

enough time for an extra bedtime story. If a child uses Legos on the table as you

have asked, her structures are easily protected from the destructive clutches of

her younger brother and loose pieces don’t end up in the vacuum. Whether

planned or unplanned, these consequences will likely serve to reinforce behavior.

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Out With the Bad

Positive behaviors are not the only actions that can be reinforced. We may

also unwittingly reinforce negative behaviors as well. Whenever our words,

actions, or other consequences provide a desired net effect for the child, their

behavior has been reinforced. Here’s an example. Bennett is a button-pusher.

He loves to get a rise out of people. He starts making a pig noise while you’re

reading a story with him. Now you may politely ask Bennett to stop making the

sound, but if he continues and it’s really not bothering anyone (well, anyone but

you!) you may choose to simply ignore it - especially if you think that Bennett is

simply trying to get attention. In that scenario, continuing to give Bennett

attention merely serves to reinforce that undesirable piggy behavior.

Ignoring is a good way to avoid reinforcing attention-getting behaviors.

Now, not all behaviors can be ignored. You have to use your judgment on that

one. Basically, any behavior that is simply annoying or clearly being used as an

attention-getting device, without harm to person or property, can be ignored.

I’m not suggesting that you ignore the child, simply the behavior. In fact, giving

attention to the child for other reasons, or drawing attention to other aspects of

his behavior the instant he does something positive (“Bennett, you knew exactly

when to turn that page!”) actually serves to reinforce the absence of the annoying

behavior, and meets the need for attention without reinforcing the undesired

behavior.

So pay extra attention and determine whether you are reinforcing positive

behavior with external or internal motivators, and whether or not you are

unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviors.

“Taking an interest in what others are thinking and

doing is often a much more powerful form of

encouragement than praise.”

-Robert Martin

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Tool #3: Say What You Need to See

Have you ever told a child not to do something, only to have them do that

very thing one second later? Infuriating, isn’t it? The child, it seems, is being

belligerent and willfully disobedient. But things aren’t always as they appear.

You see, children are very suggestible. Once they have a mental image of a

behavior, they are very likely to try it out. That mental image may come from

something they saw on TV, read in a book, or that we have described to them

with our words. Our words create a mental picture for them, and we want that

picture to be of what they should do, not of what they should not do.

When we say something like, “Don’t hit your sister!” the image created is

still of that child hitting her sister. Our verbal directions need to describe what

we want to see, creating that mental picture that we want the child to follow.

Additionally, when our message and the image it creates only conveys

what they should not do, even if they understand that, they are at a loss as to

what they should do. They may stop hitting their neighbors only to start pinching

them instead. They are being obedient….aren’t they? Redirecting and giving

gentle reminders helps them to know what they should do. If you don’t

want them hitting or punching their neighbors, describe how you would like

them to sit, or suggest they find a toy they think their neighbor might like to play

with. Whatever behavior you would like to see in the negative behavior’s place,

you need to suggest it in a clearly descriptive way. Using gerunds (verbs ending

in -ing) has been found to be particularly helpful as it creates an active, present

image for the child to follow. (“We’re walking inside.” “We’re sitting nicely by our

friends with our hands in our laps.”)

Here’s a bit of information I share as part of the training I do with The

Children’s Center. It comes from research a little ways back, but I still find it so

interesting. Here’s an excerpt from “Soft Words Speak Louder with Kids” by

Richard Camer:

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“Researchers at Wayne State University tested how well

36 kids, half between 3 and 4 years old and half between

5 and 6 years old, listened to what they were told to do.

Half the commands were positive (for example, “Clap

your hands!”), and half were negative (“Don’t touch your

toes!”). The commands were made in a soft, medium or

loud voice.

When the adults spoke softly, both groups of kids obeyed

without much hesitation. But when the researchers

raised their voices, a curious difference emerged: The 5

and 6 year olds were likely to comply, while the 3 and 4

year olds did exactly what they were told not to do.

Previous studies have shown that children younger than

5 respond first “to the physical energy” of instructions

and then to the meaning. The researchers, led by

psychologist Eli Saltz, suggest in Developmental

Psychology (Vol. 19, No. 3) that in the case of negative

commands, a loud “don’t” merely calls a youngster’s

attention to what follows in the command. Having been

alerted, the child then simply follows the second part of

the command.” (Taken from Psychology Today/

December 1983)

So with that research in mind, (in addition to recognizing the influence of

the tone of voice) let’s consider what we frequently say, versus what young

children actually hear. If the initial negative word simply serves to call attention

to the rest of the message, this is what we get:

“Don’t throw blocks!” = “Hey you! Throw blocks!”

“Don’t run inside!” = “Hi there! Yes, you! Run inside!”

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This may seem hard to believe, but think of it from the perspective of a

language learner. Most of us have studied another language to some degree at

some point in our lives. And I think we can all relate to being in that position

where someone is speaking to us in that foreign language, and we have a general

idea of what they’re saying, but we’re just a bit hazy on the specifics. It would be

very easy for us to miss a “don’t” or a “stop” and only understand the action part

of the command. Young children are in a similar position. They are relatively

new at using and understanding the subtleties of language. When one word

changes the meaning of an entire sentence (i.e. “Don’t chew on the puzzle.” –

“Chew on the puzzle.”) that tiny difference can be a bit hard to catch.

Here’s an example. A friend of mine has a two and a half year old,

Eddie*, who loves his many blankets. Well, one night he was having a hard time

staying in his room, so his mom told him, “If you come out of your room again, I’m

going to have to keep all your blankets.” Well, not too much later, out marches

Eddie with his blankets in hand, handing them over to his mom. Overt defiance?

Not impossible. But what is more likely is that his limited 30 month old language

center heard, “If you come out again, bring me your blankets.” He may have

actually been acting in compliance with what he understood his mom to be

saying!

(*Name has been changed to protect the precocious, yet innocent.)

Is “No” a No-No?

Now, I’m not suggesting that children should never hear the word “no”, nor

would I imply that you never tell a child his behavior is inappropriate. A quick

“No!” or “Stop!” can be necessary, especially in moments where safety is a

concern and you need a quick response. If you overuse these phrases, however,

they lose their meaning and urgency, and will not get you that quick response. In

more everyday situations, you may need to use a corrective negative phrase (“It is

not OK to hit.”), to make it clear that a behavior is inappropriate, but that

correction needs to be followed with a positive description of the behavior you

would like to see. Simply stating what a child is doing wrong will do very little to

correct behavior.

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Lastly, for the very minor infractions, those nagging habits like being

mildly disruptive at circle time or using a voice that’s just a bit too loud at the

library, we don’t always need to beat the child down with a correction. Simply

using a positive phrase to gently remind or coach the child through the situation

will go much further. (“We’re whispering in the library.”)

So pay attention as you correct and guide the children you love and teach.

Try to use your words to create a positive visual image of what you want them to

do. Remember that these positive phrases are just as valuable as proactive

guidance before entering a situation (“We’re going to story time at the library! Do

you remember how to show good listening at story time?”) as they are as reactive

correction.

Positive Statements :: Read these scenarios and rewrite the statements to reflect a positive

request.

Example: Scenario: Molly is throwing playdough on the floor. Negative Statement: “Stop throwing the playdough!” Positive Statement: “Molly, the playdough needs to stay on your tray.” Scenario: You are reading a story with Trevor when he begins spitting at you. Negative Statement: “Don’t spit!” Positive Statement:______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Scenario: Lisa and Levi are pinching each other in the back seat of the car. Negative Statement: “Quit pinching each other!” Positive Statement:______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Scenario: Ryan is walking on books that he left on the floor. Negative Statement: “No walking on books!” Positive Statement:_______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

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Tool #4: Learn to Laugh

Often what is needed to head off a full-blown melt-down is just a little

humor to lighten things up and regain perspective. Let me give you an

example. Recently, I had spent a full day washing every dirty article of clothing in

our house. A small feat in itself. I hadn’t, however, folded any of it yet. So at the

end of the day, I was exhausted, folding laundry on my bed, just trying to get to

the bottom of it so I could climb in! Well, my five year-old came in, with body

language and a voice that conveyed that he just might try a bit of whining and fit-

throwing to get his way as he said, “But I wanted to sit there!” I responded that

the bed was “closed”. Then realizing the humor, said, “Get it? The bed is closed

with clothes!” He paused for a moment, then his five year-old logic grasped it and

his whole demeanor changed. He visibly relaxed, laughed a bit, and then moved

to another part of the room to settle in and talk to me about something else.

Humor is an excellent distraction. It lightens the mood and shifts

attention, often facilitating either natural or adult-prompted redirection. It’s not

always the children who are the ones who need to lighten up. They’re naturals at

funny business. In fact, I recently read that, on average, a child laughs 300 times

each day, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day.

My husband is an expert at using humor when the little ones are being a bit

overly dramatic about their most recent injury or frustration. He asks what

happened and attends to their needs. Then, if the drama continues, he often

says, very seriously, “Now let me make sure I understand what happened,” then

recreates the scene in full slapstick comedic fashion, flailing onto the floor

or animatedly crashing into the wall, or whatever the drama may be. Or he

counts their fingers to make sure they didn’t lose one in the accident. With a

little slight of hand, he skips over one of their tiny digits and responds with

exaggerated concern at the fact that they have actually lost a finger! The

kiddos almost always stop crying, at least long enough to laugh. And then, if

they haven’t stopped completely, they seem to have to really try to cry over

laughing – and laughing almost always wins out.

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We can use humor to get attention as we’re working with children,

starting off an activity or discussion with a silly song, a funny story, or your own

comedic antics if you’ve got the gift. It’s hard for a child not to be interested in

what comes next once you’ve made him laugh.

Humor and light-heartedness can also be used to relate to the child,

providing proper perspective on mishaps and disappointments. (“I remember

when I accidentally spilled some water on my pants. That wasn’t what I meant to

do! How silly! You know what I did? I just changed my clothes!) Laughing at

ourselves helps children to do the same. It shows them that sometimes, it’s just

“no big deal”.

Humor also builds relationships by providing positive shared experiences.

It’s fun to laugh together, and you really don’t need a reason to do it! Building

that positive relationship will certainly shade future interactions.

Now, obviously, humor is not for every situation. We don’t want to brush

off very intense reactions with a joke, but sometimes we can head off that

eruption, letting out a bit of steam with some well-timed humor. Also, humor is

meant to be used to laugh with the child, not at her. Never use humor to belittle

the child or disregard his feelings. Be aware of personalities and temperaments,

and how they might affect the reaction to your humor. Keep in mind that

sarcasm relies heavily on logic and language skills that children haven’t fully

developed yet. At best it’s too advanced for children to understand, and at

worst, it can be very hurtful. Just avoid it.

So take a look at how you can use humor to lighten the mood, or re-

energize your brood. There are many times when laughter truly is the best

medicine!

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your

way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I

prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

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Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories

So often we try to drag children into our rational adult worlds and expect

them to comply simply because it makes sense to us. Sometimes the best way to

get a child to understand what you expect of her is to come into her world and

explain it in her terms.

Moral Storytelling

We’ve all had those parenting moments when we launch into a full-blown

lecture, while our little ones often respond with that “Is she still talking?” look on

their faces. We pull out Lecture #44, which usually uses the line “I wouldn’t get so

grumpy if people got dressed when I asked them to…” Or Lecture #213, which

draws on the eternal question, “If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?”

Then there’s my personal favorite, Lecture # 17, which covers all the reasons why

you shouldn’t go to the bathroom in someone else’s garden. (Yes, we’ve actually

had that chat. A few times.)

I’ve learned that these lectures aren’t particularly appealing to anyone, but

perhaps least of all to our youngest audience. But do you know what those little

ones love? Stories. I knew this, but it wasn’t until I saw my own amazing

husband in action with our boys that I saw how effective this technique really is.

One day, as our two oldest boys had had yet another frustrating blow up,

my husband, Steve, took one of our boys aside, snuggled in with him and told

him a story about “when he was a boy”. He told about some of the mischievous

things his own brother would do (something strikingly similar to what our second

son was doing) and how upset he would get (just like our oldest would). Then, in

dramatic storytelling fashion, he told how his mom told him a little secret. The

hook was set and our son was anxiously waiting for more.

In a hushed voice, Steve shared that his mom told him that there were

some things his brother did just because he thought it was funny to watch him

get so upset. And of course he added in his own dramatic recreation of how that

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often played out. His mom, our boys’ own Grammy, had shared this cosmic

secret, and pointed out that sometimes when you just ignore those little things,

it’s not funny anymore and so those pesky little brothers stop doing them.

Our son was mesmerized. I had tried in times past, to share Lecture # 19,

which points out these same lessons, but my exasperated tone and cut-to-the-

chase lecture was not appealing and certainly not enchanting. Steve’s story was.

I’ve watched him do this several times, and seen how our boys react to it.

They calm down and really listen to the story, and they actually remember what

he said. I’ve seen much more response in their behavior from these stories than

from any stagnant and stress-out lecture. So here are some ways to use moral

story-telling to guide your child’s behavior:

Think back to your own childhood. This one is my favorite,

because the little ones just love hearing about how these big

powerful people in their lives were once little and scared, or sad, or

frustrated. They connect and remember these lessons and apply

them to their own lives readily. It could even be something as simple

as, “When I was six I didn’t know how to tie my shoes either. And it

was hard for me to learn. But my dad told me a funny story about a

bunny running around a tree to help me remember. Want to hear it?”

Make one up. If you have the storyteller’s knack, make up a perfect

fable to fit the circumstance. Take your favorite old lecture and give

it excitement, and characters, conflict and resolution. Or stop short,

and let your little ones come up with a resolution. Finding solutions

for others is always easier than seeing the hard truth in yourself.

Find a book. There are plenty of great books out there that deal

with social dilemmas and conflict resolution. Most good stories

revolve around a problem and its resolution. Share these with your

children and use the opportunity to talk about what your children

think and feel. Connect the stories to their personal experiences.

Later you can quickly refer to the stories to remind them of your

discussion. (“Are you acting like the rabbit or the monkey today?”)

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Explore suggested books on the book list from the Center on the

Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (linked here

and listed in the reference section at the end of the book.)

In life we often talk about creating a “script”. Using moral storytelling,

literally gives children a new, and enchanting, script to work from.

Let’s Pretend…

In Vivian Gussin Paley’s book, A Child’s Work: The Importance of Fantasy

Play, she mentions the opportunity to use fantasy play as a tool for classroom

management or child guidance. I found this interesting, and it caused me to

think about that premise, the ways I have used it in the past, and the ways I could

use it to smooth out difficult situations. As she states:

“Conversations with children may arise out of a ‘last

straw’ annoyance, in other words, or from a sense of

dramatic flow. They can come from concerns over

decorum or from respect for our imaginations. Both

approaches will manage a classroom, but one seems

punitive and the other brings good social discourse,

communal responsibility, and may have literary merit.”

(pg. 74)

This quote reminded me of when I was a first grade teacher in a school

where classes needed to walk very orderly and quietly down the hallway. Stern

looks, nagging, and threatening worked from time to time, but what really made

for a silent trip down the hall was asking the children to pretend we were

sneaking past a sleeping giant. With smiles on their faces, the children tip-toed

stealthily down the halls while the principal gave that quizzical “What’s-gotten-

into-them?” look. (I didn’t tell her of course that she was usually the giant.)

Getting imagination on his side worked for my dad as well when he took

my boys along on a fishing trip. Keeping two preschoolers entertained while

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strapped to their car seats for a few hours of winding wilderness roads is a

challenging task, even for a “seasoned professional” like Grandpa. But he literally

transformed what could have been an excruciatingly boring drive into an

intergalactic adventure. He had the boys guiding the flight from their seats and

scanning the universe from their windows. Consider the difference between this

memorable adventure and the typical “Are we there yet?” + “Don’t make me come

back there!” drive.

In Paley’s book she gives an example of a young boy with a behavior

problem and her own use of storytelling and dramatic play to guide the child’s

behavior. She created a narration about the problem and created a new

character, “Good Player”, and invited the child with the problem to act out Good

Player’s positive behavior. This play-acting helped reinforce the desirable

behavior for the child and gave a model for the teacher to reference in the future

(“…You’re pretending the wrong boy, remember?”)

While I will say that it is still important to teach behavior explicitly, we can

sweeten the pot with imagination and narration. State what behavior is needed

and why, but then add those magic words, “Let’s pretend……”

Pretend to Become

If you want your child to…. Try pretending to be…

Clean up Street sweepers or cleaning fairies

Be very quiet Stealth super spies

Find misplaced shoes (again) Pirates hunting for treasure

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Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions

Have you ever felt frustrated or angry? I mean really frustrated or angry?

Almost beyond words? Doesn’t that just add to the aforementioned frustration?

Well, imagine being a child. (It shouldn’t be too hard, I’m pretty sure you were

one once.) Young children are bombarded with emotions just as intense as our

own – if not more so as they are not tempered with the same reason and

justification we can sometimes muster. These little ones feel just as frustrated

and angry as we ever could, but have even less of an ability to verbalize it. Too

often, that results in some other manifestation or communication of the

emotion. This is when we usually see the tantrums, the biting, the hitting, the

kicking, etc., etc., etc. How do we as adults usually respond? We swoop in,

console the victim and cite the offender, lecturing them about their behavior.

We see it as a failure to behave properly, when often, it is a failure to

communicate properly.

While I’m not saying that consequences should be ignored, I do think we

are too frequently jumping past a critical first step. In any highly emotional

response for a young child, the first reaction we need to have is to label and

validate those emotions. We need to help them understand what they are

feeling and let them know that the feeling is OK – even when the behavior is not.

Think about it. We all get angry. I’m sure you’ve all had a turn feeling

“righteous indignation”. You’re angry, and you know you have every right to be

angry. Moms and dads get angry. Heads of state and geniuses get angry. Well,

children get angry too. And many times for good reasons. Getting angry is not a

problem. It’s how we respond to the anger that often causes problems. We need

to teach children how to properly respond, without sending the message that

their feelings are wrong.

Here are some ways this may play out:

“Adam, I understand that you feel very angry right now, and it’s OK to feel

that way, but hitting other people is never OK here. Can you think of a better way

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to act when you feel angry?” (Talk about simply saying “I FEEL ANGRY!”, or

squishing all your anger into some playdough, or finding a quiet place for some

deep breaths……etc.)

“Sandy, I know that you feel very sad because the other girls didn’t want to

play your game. I would feel sad and disappointed too. Maybe you could ask if

they’d like to play after they finish painting,” OR “ Can you think of someone else

you might like to invite to play your game with you?” OR “ Can you think of

something that you like to do that makes you feel happy?”

By first helping them to label the feeling, it gives them the tools to use to

communicate in the future. It teaches them to recognize the feeling and to

connect it with more appropriate behaviors in the future. It also helps them to

know they have been heard and understood, which is sometimes all they were

looking for in the first place.

“When we acknowledge a child’s feelings we do

him a great service. We put him in touch with his

inner reality. And once he’s clear about that

reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.”

-Adele Faber

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Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving

Teachers and parents of young children are notoriously good problem-

solvers. When discontent arises, we swoop in, assess the situation, and set

timers, create turn-taking lists, grab another item for sharing, or utilize some

other method from our bag of tricks. We are so good at problem solving because

we get so much practice! This is all well and good, and at times a skill of survival,

but to truly benefit children for the long run, it is ideal to involve them in the

problem solving process. It may slow things down a bit, but eventually you will

find that you are “swooping in” less and less as the children build their own sets

of social problem-solving skills and become more independent.

To be sure, problem solving is a complicated task. Let’s be honest, there

are plenty of adults who don’t have these skills! Encouraging children to be

problem solvers is more than saying, “Let me know how that works out for ya!”

Depending upon each individual child’s language and cognitive abilities, we will

coach them along at varying levels of support, scaffolding them through the

process. In essence, we are simply going through the process out loud and giving

them a part in it. Here are a few ways that I help children learn to problem solve,

spanning across developmental levels. Pick and practice those that apply best to

the children you love and teach.

What’s Going On?

Come down to the child’s level, and put your arm around her if she seems

comfortable with that. Without passing judgment, describe the situation as

you’ve observed it. Keep your voice calm, and the child will likely follow. “You

look angry. Tell me about it.” Younger, less verbal children benefit greatly from

this labeling process as their ability to feel very intense emotions far outweighs

their ability to verbally express them. In situations where there are two parties,

you should encourage each person to tell his side. “Lee I’m going to have Jesse

tell what he thinks the problem is, and you and I are going to listen, and then Lee,

you’re going to have a turn to tell Jesse and me what you think the problem is.” If

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they’re fighting over an object, first say, “I’m going to hold this until we get things

worked out.” Gently remove it, and hold it out of sight if possible, so that the

children can focus on talking rather than gaining possession.

Gaining peer feedback helps the children see things from another child’s

perspective. This is a very difficult task for young children, but hearing how their

actions have affected another can help them make this leap. It helps them to

realize that their choices are not without consequences for themselves as well as

for others. When working with less verbal children, or a child who is too upset to

speak, we must use adult feedback, where we as adults speak on behalf of the

child. “That really hurt Flora when the ball hit her. She didn’t like it at all, and it

made her feel really sad. Do you see her face? That looks very sad.”

What can we do?

Once you’ve clarified the problem, ask the children, “What can we do?” As

the children make suggestions, refer to the other party again, saying, “What do

you think about that?” Your job during this phase is to simply referee. Make sure

each party gets to make suggestions and weigh in on the other child’s

suggestions. Help them to be objective and find a solution that everyone can live

with rather than getting overly emotional and waging personal attacks. (Perhaps

the political world could use some of this coaching…..but I digress.) If the

children are struggling, you may make some suggestions yourself. “Hmmm. We

could set a timer and then take turns, or we could play with it at the same time, or

we could put it away and paint instead…..”

For very young children or children who may struggle through this process,

you may simply present a solution and give them a smaller part to negotiate. “It

sounds like Tara had it first, and Sasha would like a turn. Tara, I’m going to set my

timer, so we know when it’s Sasha’s turn. Should I set it for 3 minutes or 5 minutes?

OK Sasha, Tara will be done in five minutes and then it will be your turn. Does that

sound fair to you?” or “It sounds like you were just very frustrated because you

needed help building the tower. Who could you ask for help? OK, say, ‘Lisa will you

help me build this tower?’”

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For children who are more capable and familiar with the problem solving

process, you may even get them started and then say, “Let me know when you

come to an agreement.” Though you should still stay relatively close in case

tempers flare again. You’d be surprised as to the creative solutions children can

come up with on their own when they’re given the tools and the space to own the

problem!

Giving children an active part in the problem solving process- even if it’s

just hearing the process out loud as you guide them through with simple

questions- helps them to build the social skills necessary to problem solve in the

future. It also helps them to own their behavior, recognizing that you as an adult

are not there to do things for them, but to teach them how to do things for

themselves.

Let them own it.

When the children come up with a solution, respect that and let them try it

out. Sometimes that means they will fail and will need to start over. That’s part

of problem-solving. Sometimes it means they’ll come up with something even

better than you could have. A teacher recently told me how she coached a young

boy through some problem-solving after he had hurt a little girl. She asked him

to think of what he could do to make the situation better. His suggestion was

that he could do a dance. The teacher’s first instinct was to suggest another

solution, but instead, she let him try it out. In seconds the little girl was laughing

at the little boy’s antics. He had, in fact, come up with a good solution!

What about saying “Sorry”?

As adults, we often think that part of a child’s solution should be saying

“sorry”. This is a tricky thing. Simply teaching a child that he must say “sorry”

before absolution of guilt, generally only teaches children to say what they don’t

mean, and that uttering the word is a “get out of jail free” card. We’ve all seen

children say sorry over their shoulder or in a sarcastic tone right after a very

intentional punch. Or they feel an injustice has been done when you talk about

consequences, because, after all, they did say “sorry”. Feeling sorry is a very

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complicated emotion. When we teach a child that he has to say “sorry” as part of

a process or punishment, he still knows nothing of its actual meaning, because he

hasn’t made a connection with the emotion. I don’t think it is wise to require a

child to say they’re sorry. You can’t force the emotion, only the word. And really,

you can’t even force them to say the word. (I’ve made the mistake of trying.)

What you can do, is ask the child to problem solve. And then connect that

action and emotion to the word. As in the example above, as the little boy did his

stellar dance, the teacher could easily make the connection saying, “He felt sorry

that he made you sad, so now he’s cheering you up!” We can also coach the child

through the apology, connecting it to sincere emotion. As we talk with the child,

we might ask things like, “Do you feel badly that she’s so sad now?” or “Do you feel

sad inside too? Does it make you wish you had made a better choice?” If the

answer is yes, we can say, “It sounds like you’re sorry for what you did. Maybe you

should tell her that.” And then follow up with more problem-solving, “What do

you think you could do to help her feel better?”

Teaching children to sincerely say they’re sorry is good social preparation.

Forcing them to say it as part of a punishment teaches them to use words

without meaning and taints the word as something you say when you’re

admitting guilt. That’s why so many children resist when we ask them to say

they’re sorry for causing accidents like incidental collisions or unintentional spills.

If we intentionally teach children why and how to say they’re sorry (through role-

playing, stories, puppets, coaching, etc.) and teach them to be sincere, then they

will use the word as more than a hollow attempt at an obligatory apology.

Not just in the heat of the moment.

Hopefully now you see the benefit of guiding children through the

problem-solving process as conflicts arise. Problem solving and negotiating is

hard to do, particularly when the stakes- and tempers- are high. Give children

practice with these skills in other moments when they are in a less vulnerable

position. As an example, with my own boys, when we go to the library, they love

to pick from the assortment of DVDs. I allow each to pick one, and then allow

them one additional DVD that they can agree on together. If they can agree,

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great we get a bonus DVD. If not, I simply respond, “That’s OK, we can try again

to agree next week.” (Though that generally spurs them on to try negotiating one

more time.) I often remind them that “I want this one, but I want that one” is

arguing, not negotiating. Then I tell them they need to share their ideas and

respond to each other. “Tell the other what you like most about the one you have,

and maybe you’ll find some things you both like.” This is great problem-solving

practice in a safe situation.

You can also get your children involved in problem solving in non-social

situations. Use the same problem solving steps to keep them in practice. What

should we do about our dog that keeps getting out? How could we fix the “I can’t

find my shoes” dilemma every morning? Even if you think you know the answers,

let your children go through the process so that it becomes familiar. Getting

their input on family challenges also gets them thinking creatively and feeds their

self-esteem.

So give it a try. Find ways you can encourage your children to problem

solve in uncharged situations, and coach them through the tougher conflicts they

have with each other. You’ll find that as they become more capable, you’ll be

putting yourself out of a job!

Problem Solving 101

What’s Going On? Describe the situation. Ask each party to give their take (one at

a time) on what happened.

What Can We Do? Get everyone to brainstorm suggestions for solving the

problem. Get feedback on the ideas. Agree on one and try it

out.

How Did it Go? Evaluate the solution. Is everyone satisfied? Great! If not, start

over! Problem solving is an on-going process!

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Tool #8: Redirect

I’m hoping you’ve spent enough time in your life observing water to

understand the following analogy (and if you spend much time with young

children, I’m sure that you have). Imagine water running down a slight decline.

It’s spreading and gaining speed, and headed right for, say, a bookcase full of

your favorite books. Destruction is imminent. And so you yell, “Stop! Water,

stop! For goodness sake, STOP!” Does it work? Of course not. There’s too much

momentum already at play. You try to stop it artificially by creating a dam. That

seems to work for a moment, but soon the water rises, until it overflows and

heads right for your treasured tomes once again. Then you have an idea. A

brilliant idea, by the way. You divert the water by digging a quick ditch, taking it

in another direction. You redirect the water to a thirsty flower bed and both your

books and the flowers are saved. You really are amazing, you know! Now, why

did I tell you a random story about water? I hope that will soon be clear!

I want you to imagine now, a child whose behavior is undesirable, or

inappropriate, or threatening certain destruction to person, property, or yes,

even your favorite book. As I mentioned with Tool #3 (Say What You Need to

See) it isn’t enough to say “Stop”. We have to describe the behavior we want.

That may mean describing appropriate behavior, as we discussed in that

chapter. Sometimes, what is required is to redirect the behavior. Just as in the

water example, there’s already momentum in the action, there’s already a need

the child is trying to fill; the need to jump, the need to climb, the need to color.

As we redirect, we move the momentum from an inappropriate or destructive

direction into an appropriate, constructive direction. For example, moving from

jumping off the tables into jumping off safe structures at the playground; from

climbing up the bookshelves to climbing up a step ladder or climbing toy; from

coloring on the wall to coloring at an easel.

When we notice a child with an inappropriate behavior, simply trying to

stop them is sometimes as hard as simply stopping rushing water. The need to

act needs to be met and can often be done so in an appropriate way. We first

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look at the action, determine the need, determine which parts of the action are

acceptable and which parts are not, and try to funnel the action into a more

appropriate direction.

Sometimes we redirect individual behaviors as they arise. A child is cutting

– or threatening to cut-- clothing or hair or books, so we take her to some paper

or playdough or yarn that she can cut. A boy is frustrated and acting out by being

a bit pushy and aggressive. We may move him over to work with some

playdough where he can beat and knead the dough into submission, and no one

gets hurt!

Sometimes we need to do some long-term redirection. We may redirect a

need we frequently see in a child’s personality into a positive outlet that is always

available. For example, some children are thrill-seekers by nature. For these

children, we may not wait until the child presents a dangerous, thrill-seeking

behavior to intervene with a redirection. We may find an ongoing way to meet

the need for excitement. That may be through more rough-and-tumble play,

providing playground equipment or other safe equipment in a specified area for

the child to explore and be adventurous, or by providing more experiences

exploring nature and the outdoors.

Another child may consistently be writing on the walls or furniture. We

may redirect each time, but we may also find that we need to create an art area

for this child where (washable) supplies are accessible whenever the child wants

them. Maybe an easel or personal clipboard with ample paper could be

provided. Perhaps a chair rail can be installed in a certain room and the bottom

half of the wall actually can be drawn on – either permanently or with chalk on a

blackboard-painted surface.

Some children need more movement and so they are more wiggly than

others at story time. We may take this into account and redirect that energy into

more music and movement activities woven into our story time.

By redirecting behaviors, we are validating the need the child is trying to

fill, but teaching the child how to do that in an appropriate way. With time and

proper coaching, the child will learn to make that appropriate choice on his own

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without our help. That goes much further toward teaching self-control than

simply yelling, “Stop”.

So pay attention as your children present difficult behaviors. Could they

possibly be trying to meet a need that could be redirected and met in a more

appropriate way?

Changing Directions

Behavior : Playing with food

Jumping off furniture

Cutting hair, books, etc.

Need Expressed:

Sensory stimulation

Large motor play, Vestibular

stimulation

Scissoring practice and exploration

Possible Redirection: Playdough or Sensory bin

Outside play, active

dancing, mini trampoline,

swinging

Stack of old newspapers,

playdough, and/or yarn in designated bin of things OK’d

for cutting

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Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences

Giving children the opportunity to make choices builds their esteem, their

independence, and gives them practice for future, more critical choices. Offering

choices can also be used to guide behavior. Of course, choices are not without

consequences. The consequences of a child’s choice can be a powerful force for

shaping current and future behaviors.

Guiding Behaviors

There are several ways we can use choices to guide behaviors. The first is

by redirection. When a child is engaged in an inappropriate behavior, say

running inside a classroom for example, we can use choice to redirect that

behavior by giving appropriate choices. We might say something like, “Sarah,

running inside isn’t a choice today. There are too many people and things in this

room, and I’m afraid someone might get hurt. You can choose to go outside and

run, or you can walk with me around the room to find an activity you might like.”

We can also use choice to guide behavior as we clarify the choices that are

available within the boundaries we have set and their accompanying

consequences. For example, if your child is supposed to be dressing but is not,

you might say, “Damon, if you choose to get dressed right now, I will be here to help

you. But if you choose to keep playing and do it later, I will not be able to help you.

You will have to do it all by yourself.” Be sure to pay attention to your tone of

voice. Don’t state the choices as threats, merely as a matter of fact statement.

Another example might be, “Abby, this is snack time. You may choose to eat with

us, or to keep reading books. Either way, there will not be another snack time

today. If you choose to eat with us, you probably won’t get hungry later. If you

choose not to eat with us, you might get hungry later when there is no snack time.”

And then let go. Let them make their choices.

Now and then you will have a child who insists upon another alternative.

You offer A or B and she always insists on C. In this situation calmly reaffirm the

boundaries. For example, “It’s very cold outside today. You need to wear

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something that will cover your legs. (Boundary) You can choose this skirt with

tights or you can wear these pants.” Then pleasantly throw in this one: “If you

don’t want to choose, I can choose for you.” Most children will quickly realize that

the best way to get that power and control they crave so much is to make their

own choices within the boundaries you have set.

If choice C was not one you had offered, but was within the boundaries you

had set (another pair of pants for example) go ahead and let your child choose C,

pointing out how it fits within the boundaries you had set. (“I hadn’t thought

about that pair, but they do cover your legs as well”.) This child is showing that she

can choose within the boundaries, and that is the real goal of offering choices.

Trying to get a child to adhere to arbitrarily selected choices only becomes a

power struggle.

Choices are not without their consequences.

As a matter of natural law, choices have consequences. Too often we, as

parents and teachers, are tempted to rescue children from those consequences.

We offer “one more chance” again and again. (And I include myself in this

category!) We just hate to see those sweet little ones upset and disappointed.

We avoid the meltdown in the short-term, but we also avoid the teachable

moment. We must remember that our responsibility is not to keep children from

feeling any sort of discomfort in life. It is our responsibility to teach these

children and help them to gain the skills necessary to succeed now and in the

future. Sometimes that learning and growth requires a bit of discomfort. There

are far too many people in this world who struggle in life, in large measure,

because they do not consider the consequences of their own actions, or do not

feel personal responsibility for those consequences. Learning that can take place

in these early years can prevent such behaviors. Particularly when we have

outlined the consequences of specific choices, we must be willing to love children

enough to let them experience the consequences they have chosen.

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Consequences vs. Punishment

Consequences are not really about punishment. It’s not about exerting

authority or inflicting unpleasant conditions. Allowing consequences is simply a

matter of giving children the opportunity to learn about choices. It’s about giving

them ownership of their behavior.

We, as adults, come from a position of authority and often try to control

the situation, perhaps too much so. When we implement a mentality of choice

and consequence we come from a place of empathy and support. We allow the

children to choose, and to fully experience that choice along with its

consequences. We are there to support and coach, but the choice and the

consequence are owned by the child.

As we talk about consequences, there are two types: natural consequences

and logical consequences. The two will be discussed and clarified here.

A Natural Consequence

Sometimes, all that is necessary to implement a consequence is simple

hesitation. All we have to do is, well, do nothing. The consequence will occur on

its own as a matter of natural laws. As an example, if a child chooses not to eat

dinner, that child will become hungry.

We, as adults, must use reason in deciding which natural consequences we

will allow to happen. Not all are appropriate. A natural consequence of not

brushing one’s teeth is severe decay and cavities. Simply allowing that to happen

is not an effective learning opportunity and is negligent on our part. Any natural

consequence that results in injury or humiliation is not an appropriate learning

opportunity. Waiting for a child to break an arm is not an effective way to teach

that jumping off of a slide is not safe. Obvious, I know, but you get the point!

A Logical Consequence

Logical consequences may not happen on their own, but are logically

connected to the initial behavior. As in the previous example, where a natural

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consequence of not eating dinner would be hunger, a logical

consequence would be not getting dessert. It’s logical that if a child does not

first have a healthy dinner, she can not have a rich dessert. An illogical

consequence would be not getting computer time or not getting a sticker

because she did not eat her dinner. In these examples, the consequence and the

choice have very little to do with each other.

A logical consequence should be timely so that the connection can easily

be made. It should also teach the cause and effect concept of choice. Logical

consequences connect the behavior to the result and may be a preferred

substitute for natural consequences that may not be appropriate or safe or that

may take too long to occur for learning to be connected.

Positive Consequences

As we teach children about choice and consequence we must not forget

that their choices often have positive consequences as well. We should be just as

diligent in emphasizing these consequences as we are in supporting the

undesired consequences. If a child is particularly timely in getting ready for bed,

it is logical that as a consequence, there is more time for stories. If a child works

hard at the art table, it may be a natural consequence that she has several

magnificent projects to take home. We can draw her attention to that

consequence by commenting, “Sylvia, you worked so hard today! I noticed you

spent a long time at the art table. Look at all these things you were able to make!”

As we allow children to make choices, and as we allow them to experience

the consequences, we begin to build a foundation for future decision making.

When we can allow them full ownership of their behavior, they will begin to

recognize that their choices have consequences and that they are able to control

those consequences by carefully choosing their actions.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are

not free to choose the consequences of our

actions.” – Stephen R. Covey

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Tool #10: Disengage

My childhood and teenage years were shaped quite a bit by the fact that

my dad was a lawyer and then a judge. Building and presenting a logical and

convincing argument was a favorite family pastime. We engaged in (usually)

friendly debate the way other families play Scrabble. As my father’s child, I

learned the art of pursuing an argument. As a parent and a teacher, I have

learned the art of ending one.

Often times, when we find ourselves engaged in an argument with

children, the logic is sometimes lacking. But that doesn’t matter much to the

child. It all makes perfect sense to him. He still wants a sucker for breakfast in

spite of the fact that you already told him he needs to choose from one of the

healthy options. She wants to play at her friend’s house NOW, even

though you’ve explained that her play date is tomorrow. We often get

passionate arguments from children who have realized the consequences of their

choices and are trying to escape. She begs for you to pick up the puzzle pieces,

even though she is the one who threw them. When a discussion with a child

reaches a point where you find that logic isn’t going to bring you eye-to-eye, and

that you’re simply going around in circles, it’s time to disengage.

Disengaging means you, as the adult, have to take the high road and stop

feeding the flames so that the fire of argument can go out rather than flare into

an all-consuming inferno. Monitoring your attitude and voice, very kindly and

softly explain just one last time what the situation is, so that the child knows he

has been heard. Then follow it up with a terminal statement.

Here’s how that would sound:

“John, I understand that you want to watch the show. But you chose to play

with your Legos for twenty more minutes instead. That time is gone and now it’s

time for bed. I’m not going to argue about this anymore.”

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“Sadie, I understand that you want a sucker, I like suckers too. But I don’t

even have any to give you. So I’m not going to talk about that with you anymore.”

“Tyler, I know you want to paint now, but your name is right here on the sign

up list. So as soon as Ellen is done it will be your turn. Arguing with me won’t

change where your name is on the list, so I’m not going to talk about that

anymore.”

Or my favorite from Love and Logic: “I love you too much to argue.”

I can’t stress enough the importance of monitoring your tone and temper

as you make these statements. The point of disengaging is to diffuse the

situation. If you say all the right words, but with all the wrong non-verbal cues,

you’ve just upped the tension. Say it calmly – even empathetically, give a little

hug, and then stick to it. You can’t disengage and then jump back into the

argument when the child inevitably tries one last shot. You can ignore, change

the subject (“Now who wants to read this hilarious story?”), or calmly repeat your

terminal statement (“I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”) like a broken

record.

Now, when a child feels like they really need to get you back in the

argument, she may go for the big guns like, “I hate you” or “You aren’t my friend

anymore” or, possibly worst of all in the land of the little ones, “You’re not invited

to my birthday party.” In these highly emotional situations, it’s tempting to say,

“I’m not particularly fond of you right now either,” or “Well, I don’t like people who

throw things at me.” These kinds of comments only serve to escalate the

argument and teach that your love is conditional. I’ve found that the best

response to such angry words is a word of kindness. “Well, I will always love you.”

It may not end the argument instantly, but it certainly keeps it from escalating,

and it definitely brings things back into perspective.

Sometimes a child will turn from an argument to a tantrum when she sees

that you have decided to disengage. Just one last desperate attempt to get your

attention. Treat that as a new situation. Give the child space and help her to

get control. Then offer some choices of where to go from here. (“Do you want to

play with some playdough now, or go play outside?” “Do you want to pick up those

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puzzle pieces now or in five minutes?”) Trying to reason with them while they

are out of control, going back to the argument, or simply caving into their

demands aren’t options.

You’ll find that as you are consistent in disengaging, it will become more

effective in the future. Your children will soon realize that when you say you’re

done, you mean it. This practice also lets the child know that we each own our

own behavior. Just as he gets to make his choices, you, as the adult, make yours.

When you choose not to argue, you are modeling positive behavior. So even if

you are a passionate debater like I am, with careful application, you’ll find that

you can “win” more arguments, simply by ending them.

When to Disengage

The discussion is becoming redundant. The point it not negotiable. The discussion is becoming personal, not topical. The tactics are becoming manipulative.

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Chapter Seven: Putting the Tools to Work

Not too long ago, I asked the readers of my blog to comment on the

behaviors that really got under their skin. They certainly didn’t let me down,

listing a variety of challenges from their own experiences. Taking from their

suggestions, let’s look at how we can apply the 10 Tools to a few specific

scenarios.

Most situations use more than one tool, and there’s rarely one right way to

address a challenging behavior. Knowing the cause, the child, and the situation

will certainly influence how you proceed. For the sake of examples, I’ve taken

from the list of suggestions from my readers and created some hypothetical

situations, and possible solutions.

Fights Over Toys/ Not Sharing

In general, I would say that this is a learned social skill that requires

teaching. Practice using a social script like, “Can I have a turn with that when

you’re done, please?” Act it out and practice using “neutral” toys. When the

situation arises, gently coach the children through the same script that you

practiced together previously.

You could also use this opportunity to involve children in the problem

solving process. Invite suggestions on how you can fairly take turns with the

toys. Perhaps the children could negotiate how much time will be on the timer.

In addition to building negotiating skills, when they are involved in the solution,

they are more likely to comply.

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Bad Attitudes and Backtalking

This doesn’t happen in your house, does it? There a several tools you could

use in this type of situation, independently or in combinations.

Use a coaching time out to step away from the charged situation

and calmly talk to your child about respect and acceptable behavior.

Be sure that you are modeling respect and positive attitudes

yourself.

Validate their frustrations, but clarify the appropriate ways to

express that.

Disengage from the argument.

If it’s a bad attitude about an activity or task, make it more exciting

by adding pretend play and/or story telling (“When I was a little girl,

I didn’t like to make my bed either. But then I started pretending that I

was a princess, locked in a tower….”)

Spitting/ Biting

Spitting and biting can mean very different things depending upon the age

of the child. For young toddlers, the behavior is age-appropriate. It’s still not

socially appropriate, and requires intervention and reminders until the child

masters the appropriate behavior. (A great article by NAEYC outlines some

approaches here.)

When spitting and biting is occurring, looking at the cause is extremely

important. (Are they teething, verbally limited, expressing emotions, getting

attention, etc.?) Different causes lead to different approaches, but here are some

tools you might consider using:

Take a coaching time-out. Spitting and biting usually happen in a very

emotionally charged situation, and your child may need some space to

calm down.

Validate feelings, but clarify appropriate behaviors. (“I know you were

really excited about Keisha coming, but biting Mommy hurts and makes me

sad. When you’re excited you can clap your hands or jump up and down….”)

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Particularly with older children who have already been educated as to the

social rules about spitting, you can utilize choice and consequence. (“We

are going to the library today, but I can only bring children who I know will be

polite at the library. Spitting isn’t polite, so I think you’ll need to stay home

with Sandra today.”)

You can redirect the behavior, giving an appropriate outlet for the

behavior. (Allowing spitting in the sink or providing a teething toy or

crunchy foods.)

Not Listening

Not listening often has as much to do with how we are communicating as it

does with how our children are listening. If you really want to get your children to

listen, get close to them and make eye contact, keep your instructions short and

clear, and ask your child for feedback to be sure you were understood.

As for the child being a good listener, that skill often needs to be taught.

Teach your children active listening skills so they know what is expected of

someone in a conversation. Model good listening yourself.

You may even use humor to get your child’s attention. If you’re talking to

your child and not getting a response, start saying something silly (“I was thinking

we’d invite some gorillas from the zoo over for dinner tonight…”) and watch for

your child to suddenly tune in!

Defiance

Few things make smoke come out of parents’ ears as fast as outright

defiance. When I’m talking with parents concerned about defiant children, I first

point out that this strong will can be a very good personality strength for their

child as long as it’s pointed in the right direction. The important thing is that they

learn to exercise that will in positive ways. The best way to do this is to offer

plenty of choices with consequences.

A child who is being defiant generally just wants to do things on her own

terms. So make your boundaries clear and allow her to make her own choices

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within that. For example, “We need to leave by 5:00. Do you want to go right now

or leave in 5 more minutes?” It’s amazing how differently the strong-willed child

will react to that scenario than to the usual, “It’s time to go! Get in the car!

Because I said so!”

One lucky reader shared that her biggest battle with her son was getting

him to wash his hands. She and her son had conflicting expectations. They could

use problem solving to work out this incongruence. Mom can explain why she

expects her son to wash his hands, and he can talk about why he doesn’t like to.

Together they could brainstorm solutions that would be acceptable to both of

them. (New foamy soap? Hand sanitizer? Cool hand towel?) They could try out

their compromise and then evaluate how it’s going from there.

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Part Three: Bringing It All

Together

”Treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is.

Treat a man as he ought to be and could be and

he will become as he ought to be and could be.”

–Goethe

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Chapter Eight: Building a Positive Culture

with Simple Tools

Dr. Clayton M. Christensen, a distinguished professor at Harvard Business

School, and father of five, correlated models for a successful business and models

for a successful life in a popular article in the Harvard Business Review, entitled,

“How Will You Measure Your Life?” Comparing managing a company to

managing a family, he wrote about a model used in business called “Tools of

Cooperation”. I’m no business expert myself, but Christensen’s description of

what he calls “power tools” (threats, punishment, and coercion) and its correlation

from business to family life seems spot-on. He explains that when managers find

too much friction between themselves and the members of their business

organization, they turn to these “power tools” to essentially strong-arm their

associates into complying. He further notes that we as parents often revert to

these tactics as well.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, we have a few tools around our house and

we’ve probably had more than our fair share of home improvement adventures.

And I’ll be the first to say I would much rather hang shingles with a nail gun and

an air compressor than sit on my roof top for six months while I tap in tiny nails

with a hammer. At first glance, the term “power tool” seems like a superior

alternative, but we soon see that stronger and faster doesn’t always translate

into better results when working with children. Christensen goes on:

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“ But there comes a point during the teen years when

power tools no longer work. At that point parents start

wishing that they had begun working with their children

at a very young age to build a culture at home in which

children instinctively behave respectfully toward one

another, obey their parents, and choose the right thing

to do. Families have cultures, just as companies do.

“Those cultures can be built consciously or evolve

inadvertently.

“If you want your kids to have strong self-esteem and

confidence that they can solve hard problems, those

qualities won’t magically materialize in high school.

You have to design them into your family’s culture – and

you have to think about this very early on. Like

employees, children build self-esteem by doing things

that are hard and learning what works.”

The tools I’ve written about here are very simple. They may not be easy,

but they are very simple. Too often parents resort to using the “power tools”

Christensen spoke of as a type of reactive parenting. They get fast results with

these strong tools, but they soon find that these tools eventually dull as children

quit responding, or they finally realize that they were using a tool far too forceful

for the delicate material they were working with and their child’s self-esteem lies

shattered in their wake. If you want to change a child’s immediate actions, the

power tools may work. But if you want to influence a child’s heart, you need a

toolbox full of simple tools and an intentional positive culture.

Building a Positive Culture

A few years ago, my husband and I built a house. For months we were

consumed with drafts of blueprints, lists of subcontractors, and so many paint

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samples I thought I had gone color-blind. Somewhere in that process a thought

struck me. Was I putting as much care and planning into creating our home as I

was into creating our house? Just as a house cannot be built by happenstance, a

home with a positive culture can not be built without thought and careful

planning.

When you first think about creating discipline in the home, you may think

of the rules you need to enforce. But to build true discipline, the kind that comes

from the inside out, rule-setting is not as important as culture-creating. This

doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have rules, but there’s no way to have a specific rule

for every decision your child will make. Those must be based on a broader

culture of values. Value statements jointly created that help them define

appropriate behavior for themselves. What they can do, not just what they can

not do.

When you create a culture for your family, you set the tone in your home.

You define what your family values, what is expected, and what is hoped for.

When there is a strong positive culture in the family, children can better choose

for themselves based on what they value, rather than looking at a multiplicity of

rules for a loophole. It’s the same principle as Tool #3 – Say What You Need to

See. Stating clearly and positively what you want children to do will be more

effective than trying to list every rule they shouldn’t break.

Choose the Write Way

So how do you create a positive culture? It helps to spend some time

defining for yourself, as parents, what you value, what you expect, and what you

hope for. Talk with each other and make some written statements in the form of

a family vision or mission statement. Then talk as a family and solidify the

statement together. Encourage your children to contribute in their own way at

their own level. Really get to know what they think is important and let them

know what is important to you.

If you’re looking for some direction in creating your family’s mission

statement, there are some great resources ready to help you take on the task,

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which are listed at the end of this chapter. Check them out and then follow or

adapt them to create a written statement that best serves your family.

Live It

The overriding culture of our family is largely dependent on our own

reactions as parents. We cannot demand a standard we aren’t willing to keep

ourselves. If we want a culture of respect, we must show respect, even when

we’re angry. If we want a culture based on values, we must talk about values and

also act on those values – individually and as a family.

Once you’ve defined what you value in your family and how you expect the

members of your family to conduct themselves, be sure that you live it. Be a

positive role model and set the tone for others in your home by the way you

conduct yourself. You can’t get a pass just because you’re an adult. How you

handle your missteps along the way (they’re bound to happen, you are human

after all) is just as important. When you slip up, lose your cool, or have a sudden

lapse in judgment, remember to model how to make things right again. Show by

example how to apologize and rectify the situation.

There’s no such thing as perfect parents or perfect children. We imagine

an ideal home, free from conflict, tantrums, and pouting. The truth is, no one

escapes conflict. We learn through conflict. You have to let children do hard

things, as Christensen writes. This includes giving them (and yourself) room to

make mistakes and to learn from consequences. You may be tempted to use

“power tools”, to force or coerce children to “do good”, but to truly “be good”

one has to be allowed to make choices. And with choices come mistakes. We

have to recognize that, and respect that. The key is to respond by letting each

person own their own behavior, using the moment to teach for the future, and

guiding out of love.

Creating a positive family culture based on shared statements of vision,

values, and purpose, combined with using the simple tools of child guidance,

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allows you to thoughtfully and proactively parent your children. It enables you to

teach children to develop discipline, to solve problems, to love, and to respect. It

helps them to make choices based on what they know is right, based on what you

value as a family, and based on goals you share together.

Create Your Culture :::Here are some great resources for creating a family vision or mission

statement to help you as you create your positive family culture-

FranklinCovey: Mission Statement Builder

SimpleMom: Back to the Basics: Create a Family Mission Statement

Families with Purpose: Creating a Writing a Family Vision and Mission

Statement and How to Use a Family Mission Statement

*Underlined titles are hyperlinked, addresses also appear in the resource section.

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Chapter Nine: Love…to Teach

The bottom line to this book is that we must intentionally guide from a place

of love and create an environment where children can learn proper social skills

and emotional regulation. If we simply want children who comply, we might be

able to threaten, punish, and bully our way through it for a while, but if we want

children who will one day become independent adults who are good people, we

have to put in the work, build a positive family culture, and deliberately teach our

children positive behaviors.

One of the most effective ways to influence child behavior is through positive,

caring relationships. I read a passage way back during my days as an undergrad

that has stuck with me all these years. Its premise was this, “If you first teach a

child that you love him, you can then teach him anything else.” I really think

this is true. Whether you’re teaching proper behavior or names of shapes, any

child (any person for that matter) is more receptive to direction and correction

when it comes from a person with whom they have a positive relationship.

Think of it this way, if you’re playing a sport of some kind, and the referee

keeps making calls against you and never in your favor, are you inclined to think

of this referee as a fair judge anymore? Do you continue to think of this person as

an expert with a valid opinion, or simply someone who is biased and has a grudge

against you?

Similarly, I have observed some parents who approach their role

as referees. They lean against the wall as the children play and step in and

interact with individual children most often as a means of correcting them. This

correction is more likely to be received negatively when it is not within the

context of a secure, positive, loving relationship. Here are a few suggestions for

building positive relationships with your young children.

Use Your Words. I once asked my (then) three year old how he knew that I

loved him. His answer was simple. “ ‘Cause you tell me all the time.” We

need to let the children know that they are loved with our words. You

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can say “I love you” in many ways. I’m glad you’re here! I’m so happy to see

you! I really love the time we get to have together! I’m so lucky to be with

you today! Greet and acknowledge each child as they enter your care.

Whether that means hugging and cheerfully greeting them as they wake

up in the morning or cheerfully welcoming them home from preschool,

noticing them and acknowledging them sends the message that they are

noticed, wanted, and important to you.

Really Look, Really Listen. Getting down to a child’s level and looking her

in the eye really goes a long way to communicate that you are listening and

value what she has to say. It is such a simple thing, really, but can be quite

a challenge. As a parent in this age of multitasking, we have so many

things pulling us in so many different directions. Too often I find myself

calling over my shoulder, talking to one of my sons as I whip past him to

tend to three other things at once. When we slow down, get on their level,

look them in the eyes, and are really present as we talk and listen, we build

a stronger relationship.

I find that I’m really good at getting down to eye level and focusing on only

the child when I really want the child to hear what I’m saying (correcting

behavior, for example), but I need to do a better job of getting down and

listening when my child really wants me to hear what he’s saying! One of

my favorite mentors would often say, “Working with children is great

exercise, because you have to be willing to do a lot of deep knee bends.”

Make Contact. Give high-fives, hugs, snuggle for a story, put your arm

around your child as you talk, hold hands. Appropriate human touch is

amazing in its power to connect people.

Use Your Voice. Monitor the way you use your voice to communicate

caring. Use inflection to convey enthusiasm, empathy, interest, or

cheerfulness.

Particularly monitor your voice in stressful moments as you are correcting

behavior. It’s been shown in studies that a lowered voice actually is

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more effective in getting children’s attention than a raised

voice. Children will listen when they feel safe.

As I’ve mentioned before, my dad is a judge, and I’ve been told many times

that he is known for calmly and serenely making judgments and doling out

sentences. I’ve been told by his staff that many offenders would prefer to

appear before the judge who was more notorious for yelling and becoming

quite animated in court. It sounds less pleasant, but it was actually

preferred. You see, when an authority figure becomes overly emotional

and even offensive in tone and words, it is easy to stop listening to the

words and feel only the offensive emotion being conveyed. It becomes

easier to take personal offense (He’s so mean! He doesn’t like me!) rather

than to take personal responsibility. Use a matter-of-fact, calm, lowered

voice when dealing with behavior issues. Becoming overly emotional takes

away from the child owning his own behavior.

Be Dependable. Build trust by being consistent. Consistent in your

routines, consistent in your reactions, consistent in keeping your promises.

This doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible or spontaneous, but you should be

consistent enough you’re your children can feel secure in knowing there is

some element of predictability and that they can rely on you.

See the Best in Them. Catch them being good. Make comments about

what they do well, especially when you know it came with great effort, but

also to notice those talents that come naturally. It’s easier to be corrected

once if that has already been off-set by 3-5 commendations.

See Them for Who They Are. It’s important to catch children being good,

but it’s also important to just catch them being themselves. Join them as

they play and talk about what they’re doing. Simply asking them to tell

you about it shows that you care enough to want to know what they think.

Talk to them about their day – what was great, what was hard, what was

interesting. Join them where they are and ask them to show you around

“their world”.

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Make a mental note of the things they like, and make a point of including

those interests when you can. Pointing out that you were thinking of them

communicates your love and interest in them. (“I think you’re really going to

like snack today because you like blueberries so much.” “I thought you might

like to read this train book because I noticed you playing with the train set a

lot last week.”) You can’t provide each child’s favorite things everyday, but

doing it when you can communicates to the child that she is noticed,

heard, and cared for.

Share Fun Experiences. In a fast-paced, multi-tasking to-do list world we

have to remember to slow down and enjoy positive experiences with our

children. This is their childhood. They’ll only get one, and it is precious

time that will be gone before either of you know it. Be sure to experience it

together. Plan for fun experiences and enjoy the spontaneous ones that

pop up along the way. Be silly together. Eat breakfast in bed. Tell corny

knock-knock jokes. Read books. Go on walks. Create art together. Have

treasure hunts. Create family traditions. Sharing positive experiences

together strengthens bonds and communicates love.

Having a positive relationship allows moments of correction to simply be

incidents related to behavior, rather than the defining feature of the

relationship itself. When children are secure in the relationship, they are less

likely to feel that your correction reflects your overall opinions and feelings about

them, because you have made those positive feelings known in other ways. This

makes it easier for you to disapprove of behavior while still communicating that

you are accepting of the child. Likewise, a child who feels he already has a

positive relationship with you, based on who he is, feels safer taking a risk and

learning new skills. He knows that failures that come with learning will not

dictate your approval of him as a person.

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Chapter Ten: Putting Principles into Practice

When our oldest son was about six months old, he was not only still waking

at night, but began waking every two hours. Exhausted and frustrated, I went to

the local library and essentially cleared out the shelves in the parenting section,

snagging every book I could find that promised an uninterrupted night’s sleep.

I still vividly remember my husband returning home from work one day

and coming into our son’s room, where I sat rocking him and reading one of these

books at the same time. On the floor around me were four or five more books

that had been examined for the secret to sleep. He asked if the experts had any

great gifts to offer our beleaguered little family. Becoming emotional (as tends

to happen to tired moms) I explained that each book seemed to recommend

something different. How could I know what to do when one book suggested

one technique while the other said the complete opposite?

My husband, who has a tendency to give sage advice, said, “At some point

you just have to close the books and listen to yourself. You are his mom. That

makes you the expert on him.” From that perspective I was finally able to take the

information that I had read, sift out the principles, and apply them in a way that

felt right to me and worked best within our family.

I believe that with the stewardship of parenthood comes the capacity to

know your child like no one else does. You have to be the one to decide how to

best apply the principles of this book.

What do I mean by principles? One definition of principles that I’ve come

to appreciate is: “Principles are concentrated truth, packaged for application to a

wide variety of circumstances.”ii I like that word, “concentrated”. Think of it this

way. If I’m an orange farmer in sunny Florida, I would like nothing more than to

have people all over the world drinking the juice from my oranges. But if I were

to squeeze a fresh glass right here in my kitchen and send it to your home, it

would likely spill and/or spoil before ever reaching your door. That’s not a very

effective way for you to get orange juice. So instead, I take the juice from my

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oranges and concentrate it. Essentially, I take out a large portion of the water

and send it to you. Then you add your own water from your own home to

reconstitute that juice for your morning glass of OJ.

The principles in this book work the same way. They are concentrated

truths that can be applied in a variety of ways and in a variety of circumstances. I

have written about these principles as they have been applied in my home and in

my experiences. You now have to reconstitute those principles with your own

“water”. Apply them in your unique circumstances within your own values and

boundaries and under the consideration of the personalities within your family.

I’ve written about principles that I know are valuable in guiding children to

positive behavior. I know that positive guidance is the best method for building

internal discipline and fostering self-control and self-esteem while also

strengthening an appropriate and emotionally healthy parent-child relationship.

I know they work. I’ve seen it over and over. But the examples I’ve given here

come from my experiences, my family, and my observations. I don’t know your

child. You are the expert there. Now it’s your turn. Take these tools and start

building your child’s discipline from the inside out.

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Resources and References

Introduction:

Not Just Cute: www.notjustcute.com

Chapter 1:

Positive Guidance Resources-

Gartrell, Daniel. 1995. Misbehavior or Mistaken Behavior? Young Children 50 (5):

27-34.

Gartrell, Daniel. 1997. Beyond Discipline to Guidance. Young Children 52 (6):34-

42.

Gartrell, Daniel. 2001. Replacing Time-Out: Part One- Using Guidance to Build

an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 56 (6): 8-16.

Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf

Gartrell, Daniel. 2002. Replacing Time-Out: Part Two- Using Guidance to Build

an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 57 (2): 36-43.

Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2002.pdf

Read, Katherine. Guides to Speech and Action . From: Read, Gardner, Mahler.

1992. Early Childhood Programs: Human Relationships and Learning 9th Edition.

NY: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston Summary Available:

http://virtual.yosemite.cc.ca.us/Childdevelopment/Lee_Jones/Spr10/GuidesSpeechAction.pdf

Saifer, Steffen. 2003. Practical Solutions to Practically Every Problem. St. Paul:

Redleaf Press. (Available at Amazon.com.)

Chapter 2:

My Blog: www.notjustcute.com

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The Children’s Center: www.tccslc.org

Deutschman, Alan. 2007. Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and in

Life. New York: Harper Collins Publishing. (Available at Amazon.com.)

Are You Looking for More Patience from Your Preschooler?:

http://notjustcute.com/2010/05/03/are-you-looking-for-more-patience-with-your-preschoolers/

Chapter 3:

Education.com: How to Discipline a 2-Year Old Boy:

http://www.education.com/question/discipline-year-boy/?cid=90.

American Academy of Pediatrics, Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child

and Family Health. 1998. Guidance for Effective Discipline. Pediatrics 101 (4):

723-728. Available: http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/pediatrics;101/4/723.pdf

i: Gartrell, Daniel. 2001. Replacing Time-Out: Part One- Using Guidance to Build

an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 56 (6): 8-16.

Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf

Coach Mike Krzyzewski : http://coachk.com

“Coach K says”: http://coachk.com/coach-k-media/quotes/

Chapter 4:

“Can I Play”: http://notjustcute.com/2009/09/15/teaching-social-skills-can-i-play/

CARE Form Download: http://notjustcute.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/care-child.pdf

“A Script for Sharing”: http://notjustcute.com/2009/09/15/teaching-social-skills-can-i-play/

“How to negotiate a trade”: http://notjustcute.com/2010/07/13/lets-make-a-deal-teaching-

children-the-art-of-trading/

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Chapter 5:

“Patience comes from understanding.”: http://notjustcute.com/2008/06/21/patience-comes-

from-understanding/

Chapter 6:

“I am not a role model”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMzdAZ3TjCA

“Scaffold”: http://notjustcute.com/2009/07/28/what-is-scaffolding-and-the-zpd/

The Children’s Center: http://www.tccslc.org

Camer, Richard. 1983. Soft Words Speak Louder with Kids. Psychology Today.

(December).

Children’s Book List for Social Skills: http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/documents/booklist.pdf

Paley, Vivian. 2005. A Child’s Work: The Importance of Fantasy Play. Chicago:

University of Chicago Press. (Available at Amazon.com.)

Adele Faber: http://www.fabermazlish.com/

“Scaffolding”: http://notjustcute.com/2009/07/28/what-is-scaffolding-and-the-zpd/

“Sensory bin”: http://notjustcute.com/2008/12/08/the-sensory-table-on-a-budget/

“Love and Logic”: http://www.loveandlogic.com/what-is-for-parents.html

Chapter 7:

NAEYC Resource on Biting: http://www.rightchoiceforkids.org/families/biting

Chapter 8:

Christensen, Clayton M. 2010. How Will You Measure Your Life? Harvard

Business Review. (July). Available: http://hbr.org/product/how-will-you-measure-your-

life/an/R1007B-PDF-ENG?Ntt=r1007b

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FranklinCovey: Mission Statement Builder: http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/

SimpleMom: Back to the Basics: Create a Family Mission Statement: http://simplemom.net/back-to-the-basics-create-a-family-mission-statement/

Families with Purpose: Creating a Writing a Family Vision and Mission

Statement : http://family-life.familieswithpurpose.com/2009/01/05/creating-and-writing-a-family-

vision-and-mission-statement/

Families with Purpose: How to Use a Family Mission Statement: http://family-

life.familieswithpurpose.com/2009/04/02/how-to-use-a-family-mission-statement/

Chapter 10:

ii: Scott, Richard. 1993. Acquiring Spiritual Knowledge. Ensign. (Nov.)