Practical & Tactical Strategies for the Family Law Professional from a

Coaching & Mediation Perspective

EMOTIONALLY INTENSE RELATIONSHIPS

OC Mediation Odyssey 2010

Garden Grove, CAMarch 19, 2010

How to Work with High Conflict Personalities

Debra Dupree, MA, MFT #23250Credentialed Mediator

Certified Conflict Coach & High Conflict Diversion TrainerCertified New Ways for Families Therapist & MediatorMember, San Diego Superior Court Mediation Panel

1-800-743-1973www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

Breaking that down…

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 Personality disorders have substantial consequences for the probability and timing of marriage and probability of

marital disruption.

Understanding Personality Disorders & the HCP

Whisman, M. A., Tolejko, N., & Chatav, Y.Social consequences of personality disorders: Probability and timing of marriage and probability of marital disruption

KEY FINDINGSDamage to the brain

during childhood due to repeated exposure to abuseCorpus Callosum

Wiring between Right & Left Hemispheres

Amydala Alarm Center,

particularly to non-verbal behaviors

Frontal Lobe Cognitive Reasoning

Stuck in the upset emotions of the right hemisphere

Unable to access the left hemisphere for problem solving to resolve negative emotions

Distorted perceptions & expectations

The “issue” is not the issue!

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The Difference for HCPs

The ability to regulate, self-direct and engage in self-awareness is impaired

HCPs are literally unable to solve problems as other typically would

Chronic, public and intense, facial expressions of fear and anger are readily observable

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DSM-IV-TR

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• Ten Personality Disorders categorized in Four Clusters

Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior

Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior

Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain

Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events

Allow the Nervous System to Settle Down

De-escalateTone of VoicePlan aheadEmpathize, don’t argueAcknowledge fearsDemonstrate respectTime-outs

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Co-Parenting Parallel Parenting

Child focused. Adult focused.

Parents communicate regularly. Parents communicate over emergencies.

Parents can communicate in person or over the phone.

Parents use email, text messaging, or a third party (attorney, mediator or mutually agreed person).

Major decisions about the child are discussed jointly.

Major decisions are “communicated” rather than discussed.

Parents work together as needed to resolve issues related to the child.

Households are separate. Each makes decisions about the child when s/he is in their household.

Parents work together in the best interest of the child.

Parents work separately for the best interests of the child.

Allows smooth transitions from one home to the other.

Culture changes for the child may be abrupt. Use the “transition tradition” to lower the abruptness.

Allows for schedule change – can be flexible and negotiable.

Written parenting plan or court decree is followed exactly. Parents need an external authority.

Parents may be able to discuss issues between other parent and child.

Each parent is responsible for own relationship with child. “I am sorry, this is Mom’s/Dad’s House, we have different rules”.

Establishing Boundaries

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• HCPs and Boundaries– Push-back (spike in conflict)

• Strategies– Reducing Contact

• The role of the nervous system in continuing conflict

• Stress reduction• Disengagement

– No face-to –face communication– No verbal contact

» Nervous System Cycle (72 hrs)

Establishing Boundaries

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• Need for Iron-clad parenting plans• Neutral Exchanges• Fewer Exchanges (age appropriate)• Fewer parent initiated phone calls• Clear

SUMMARY OF HCP SKILLSConnect: Listen closely and respond with

Empathy, Attention & Respect

Analyze: Get the Client to make a list of problems/optioins and choose a task

Respond: Be brief, informative, friendly and firm

Set Limits: Don’t make it personal. Help client deal with policies and procedures. Use indirect confrontations.

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• Mediation

• Coaching• Telephonic• In-person

• Workshops• On-line• In-person

http://www.highconflict.nethttp://www.highconflictinstitute.org

Debra DupreeYour Presenter

www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

1-800-743-1973

1-619-417-9690

debradupree@relationshipsthatmatter.com

DEBRA DUPREE, founder of RELATIONSHIPS THAT MATTER, also established Vitali WORCS - Workplace Solutions in 1986, demonstrating early leadership in the application of conflict resolution strategies to workplace issues. 

Debra thrives as a catalyst for communication, leadership, and problem-solving.  She actively demonstrates collaboration through her work with numerous organizations.

She demonstrates over 25 years of proven leadership and success in family therapy, employee relations, team building, leadership development and organizational change.  She is a Certified Master Trainer for the Conflict Dynamics Profile and EDGE Systems certified leadership coach as well as a Certified Conflict Coach, Authorized New Ways for Families Therapist & Mediator, and High Conflict Diversion Program Workshop Leader & Trainer

Debra possesses a Master's degree in Education - Counseling Psychology, University of California, Santa Barbara and Pre-doctoral training in Organizational Development & Disability Management, San Diego State University. She is licensed as a Marriage & Family Therapist.

Debra's commitment focuses on relationships in all walks of life...the workplace, families and divorce, and business partnerships...seeking healthy alternatives to breakdowns in communication. 

RESOURCESIt’s All Your Fault, SPLITTING, High Conflict People

in Legal Disputes by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.Mom’s House / Dad’s House By, Isolina Ricce, Ph.D.New Rules of Marriage by Terrence RealRedirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn KvolsRaising Self-reliant children in a Self-indulgent

World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsonhttp://www.highconflict.nethttp://www.Highconflictinstitute.comhttp://www.relationshipsthatmatter.com

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