Relational Need in English.pdf

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Copyright 1994 by Relationship Press. Revised Edition, 1999. Second RevisedEdition, 2003. Third Revised Edition, 2009. All rights reserved. No portion of thisbook may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or

by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexceptfor brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior written permission of thepublisher.

Relationship Press 2511 S. Lakeline Blvd. Cedar Park, TX 78613

ISBN 0-9642845-0-2

Library of Congress Card Catalog Number 94-72620


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Table of Contents

Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs 4

Chapter 1:

Needs: An Important Aspect of How You Are Made! 5

Chapter 2:The Top Ten Relational Needs 18

Chapter 3:

Overcoming Hindrances to Grateful Giving 37

Chapter 4:

Which Needs Are Most Important? 57

Chapter 5:

How Needs Impact Thoughts, Feelings, and Behavior 79

Chapter 6:

Giving to Meet the Needs of Others 96

Chapter 7:

Challenges to a Giving First Lifestyle 120

Chapter 8:

The Journey Into Intimate Relationships 134

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Welcome to Top Ten Relational Needs

Top Ten Relational Needs is a course of study designed to help you explore the natureof the key relational needs that all humans share. It is our hope that this resourcewill help you to gain greater insight into how your relational needs are being met, aswell as equipping you to better recognize and meet the needs of others.

The fact that God has created each of us with relational needs points to animportant principle: We were never intended to live our lives alone. Like the faithful

of old, we are to be devoted to real community, or open, honest, authentic relation-ships with other people. Thus, this course is not intended to be a study that youundertake on your own. Rather, it is designed to be experienced in community withothers.

As a means of facilitating meaningful interaction among those who use this

resource, each of the books eight chapters contain the following features:

Gratitude for LoveAn experiential exercise in which you will bechallenged to reflect on the ways in which your needs are being met, and torespond in gratitude. It is only when we recognize how our needs arelovingly being met that we are empowered to do the same for one another.

Living It OutAn experiential exercise in which you will have anopportunity to share with others the insights being discoveredconcerning your relational needs and the needs of those closest to you. Thistime of sharing is intended to prompt mutual support and encouragement.

Enrichment Group Notes Enrichment of relationships takes placein community with others; these additional readings, discussion questions,

and interactions provide for a deepened experience of enriched relation-ships.

We hope that you will be equipped and transformed by this course as you pursue adeeper understanding of our human neediness and the joy of giving to others.

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Needs:

An Important Aspect

of How You Are Made!

And my God will meet all your needs according

to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus

(Philippians 4:19).

e all have needs. Neediness is an intrinsic characteristic ofour God-given identities, an inescapable part of beinghuman. This reality is apparent in several different areas ofour lives.

First, we all share certainphysicalneeds, such as our needs for the following:

food

water

sleep

oxygen

But humans are more than merely physical bodies. We also have spiritualneeds, suchas our needs for:

hope and peace

a sense of morality and justice

life meaning and purpose

Chapter 1

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Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

Consider the implications of being needy of things like air, food, water;Why might we have been created to need such things?How do you feel about having to depend on breating, sleeping, food, etc.?

Finally, in addition to physical and spiritual needs, we all have relational needs. Tenof the most significant relational needs that we share are our needs for the

following things: acceptance comfort

affection encouragement

appreciation respect

approval security

attention support

Pause and Reflect:


Think about a time recently when you may have met one of the above needs in thelife of a family member or friend.

I recently met the need for (which need) _______________________________by (what) _________________________________________________

In this resource, we will explore the nature of each of these ten relational needs,discuss why it is so important that we understand relational needs, and learn howlove is expressed through us as we meet the relational needs of others. But first, letus explore five general characteristics of all needs, whether physical, spiritual, orrelational.

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FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF NEEDS

1. Needs Are Cross-Cultural.

Neediness transcends all cultural differences. People of every race, ethnicity,language, religion, and socio-economic group share physical, spiritual, and relationalneeds. The truth of this claim becomes especially clear when we consider that ourearliest ancestors experienced these needs long before any such cultural distinctionsarose.

2. Needs Exist in All Generations.

Adam, Augustine, Michelangelo, Mozart, Ceasar, Churchill, you, and I all havesomething important in commonwe were all created with physical, spiritual, and

relational needs. Needs are not a 21st-century phenomenon; every person who hasever lived has had needs.

3. Needs Are Lifelong and Continuous.

We all know that our basic physical needs remain constant throughout our lives

human beings never reach a developmental stage where food, water, sleep, oroxygen become optional luxuries. Likewise, our core spiritual needs do not diminishwith age. But it is important that we recognize that the same also holds true for ourrelational needs. The increased knowledge and confidence that come with life expe-

rience can never negate our need for intimate and loving relationships with otherpeople.

Relational needs are generally easy to spot in children. Even if they are comfortable,dry, fed, and well-rested, infants may cry just because they want some attention.Similarly, toddlers who fall down may cry even when they are not badly hurtbecause of their need for comfort. Some children might hold up their arms toward

their mother or father in order to signal their desire for affection, while others try toget their parents to notice their developing academic, artistic, or athletic abilities

because of their need for approval.

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The relational needs of adults, by contrast, are often less readily visible. This doesnot mean, however, that we gradually grow out of our relational needs as we getolder, or that our relational needs can somehow be met once and for all duringchildhood. Rather, it is merely indicative of the fact that adults often labor toconceal or deny the relational needs that they expressed so freely as children. Thetruth is that, just like our needs for food and air, our relational needs must be

consistently met throughout our lives.

4. It Is OK to Have Needs; Neediness Is Not a Defect.

We have asserted that all peopleregardless of their cultural background, historicalsetting, or ageshare certain basic physical, spiritual, and relational needs as part ofhow we are created. Having thus established that God created each of us withneeds, it stands to reason that it is all right for us to admit that we have them!Unfortunately, however, many of us seem to have bought into the idea that if we

are mature or tough enough, we will not have certain needs (or at least we willnot have to admitto having them). This is particularly true when it comes torelational needs. Thus, for example, some people have come to believe one or more

of the following:

Those who need appreciation are merely insecure.

Those who need attention are self-centered.

Those who need comfort are too emotional.

Those who need security lack true faith.

Those who need support are simply weak.

An admission of neediness, however, is not a sign of some character defect. Rather,it is an honest and humble confession of our humanity. We all have needs; that is

simply the way we are made. Denying this truth is not only pointless, but potentiallyvery harmful.

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5. We Cannot Meet Our Own Needs; Needs Can Only Be Met in

the Context of Meaningful Relationships

Finally, we must recognize that we do not have the ability or resources to meet ourown needs. For example, we cannot meet our own relational need for comfort.Imagine coming home after a hard day at work, wrapping your arms around yourown neck, gently patting yourself on the back, and saying to yourself, Im so sorryyou had a hard day. Tell me all about it. Not only would you look and feel

ridiculous, you would probably not feel comforted in the least.

Similarly, imagine trying to meet your own spiritual need for peace of mind by look-ing at your face in the mirror and attempting to calmly reassure yourself that there

is no need to be concerned about all of the difficulties that you are facing becauseeverything will work out in the end. Such methods might be advocated by some, butthey inevitably leave us feeling isolated and overcome by our problems.

While most of us do not behave in such extreme ways in our attempts to addressour neediness, we are often guilty of trying to meet our own needs by other means,such as through our accomplishments and material possessions. But temporal, mate-

rial things can never truly satisfy our spiritual or relational needs: A house cannot meet our need for affection.

A car is not a substitute for acceptance.

Degrees and diplomas will not satisfy our need for respect.

A position of authority is no alternative for approval.

Successful projects will not meet our need for appreciation.

A cigarette or bowl of ice cream does not bring genuine comfort.

By definition, our relationalneeds can only be met in the context of deep,

meaningful relationships.The same is true of our spiritual needs. These needs areonly effectively addressed as we live our our religious beliefs, convictions and prac-tices in the context of our relationship with God.

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You may be thinking to yourself, Ah, but what about my physical needs? I cancertainly meet those for myself. But can you? Yes, you may be able to earn moneywith which to buy food, and you may be able to prepare and cook meals, but wheredid the food actually come from? Who made the seed? Who created the soil inwhich the seed grew, and provided the oxygen that gave it life? Who caused the sunto shine and the rain to fall? Farmers may be able to plant, cultivate, and harvestcrops, and we may be able to purchase and prepare food, but the source of all these

good things is God!

Pause and Reflect:


How do you feel about possibly needing things like appreciation, respect or supportfrom others in your life?

WHY DID GOD CREATE US WITH NEEDS?

It should now be obvious that we all have needs, but the question remains, why?Why do we have a need for sleep? Why do we require oxygen to sustain us? Why do

we long for comfort, attention, and security? After all, God could have created uswithout any needs whatsoever. Should we then conclude that our needs representflaws in our design? The answer must be a resounding, No! So why do we haveneeds?

1. Our Neediness Encourages Humility and Valuing of

Relationships.

So far, we have seen that (1) everyone has needs, and (2) we cannot meet our ownneeds. Therefore, we can only conclude that, in order to have our needs met, wemust look beyond ourselves. We are not to live as an island unto ourselves. Our

relationships in life can provide meaning and fulfillment.


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2. Our Neediness Encourages Interdependence.Just as our neediness and our inability to meet our own needs compel us to valuerelationships, so they should also motivate us to support and encourage one anoth-er. We cannot live our lives as if we were computerized robots on an assembly line,doing our own thing with no regard for the needs of others.

Fortunately, a number of relationships serve to promote interdependence and mutu-

al need-meeting. Most basically, many of us have been granted the blessings ofhealthy marriages and other close family relationships, which serve as environments

within which we both give and receive loving care in order to meet one anothersneeds.

In addition, through friends, colleagues and community, , we are challenged to lookfor ways in which we can give to the needs of others.

3. Accepting the Reality of Our Needs Helps Us to Develop a

Heart Filled with Compassion for Others.

Our ability to respond effectively with care and compassion toward others is closelytied to our willingness to admit that we have needs.

The sad truth is that those who tend to deny their own needs often lack compassionfor others who are in need. Having chosen to adopt an attitude of self-reliance, theyare likely to respond to neediness in others by thinking, Why should I care abouttheir needs? If they have problems, they should take care of them themselves! Aswe come to accept the reality of our own needs and to humbly receive care and

compassion, we are in turn empowered to respond to the needs of others with gen-uine feelings of compassion and concrete acts of kindness.

4. Admitting Our Needs Frees Us to Both Receive and Give Care.

It is difficult to give others what we have not received. A woman who was nevercomforted as a child may find it incredibly challenging to offer words of comfort to

her own children. A man whose parents failed to consistently display affection forhim may struggle to adequately express his affection for his wife. An employer whohas rarely received encouragement from others may find it hard to effectively

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By contrast, those who havehad their own needs met are much better equipped tomeet the needs of others. But in order to have our needs met, we must first admitthat they exist. When we willingly acknowledge our neediness, we allow ourselves toreceive care and we are better able to give more freely in turn.

5. Meeting the Needs of Others Expresses Care and Produces

Togetherness.

If we desire to decrease the number of divisions within our families, communities,and culture, we must begin by increasing care. Countless conflicts and breakdownscan be traced to a lack of trusting, caring relationships between marriage partners,family members, business and country leaders. How do we demonstrate that we

truly care for one another? By meeting each others needs. As loving care is increas-ingly demonstrated through mutual need-meeting, divisions are mended and unity isstrengthened.

Pause and Reflect:


Consider the above list of five possible benefits of being needy in relationships.1. More humility and valuing of relationships2. Encourages interdependence3. Deepened compassion for others

4. Freedom to both receive and give care5. Increased expressions of care and togetherness

Which of these five possible benefits might you enjoy more of in your life?

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NEEDS ARE AN ESSENTIAL ASPECT OF HEALTHY, CLOSE

RELATIONSHIPS.

There is a big difference between superficial relationships and intimate, caring rela-tionships. It is possible to be around people all day long and still be lonely. In fact, a

recent survey in the United States indicated that 70% of

Americans suffer from loneliness. Similar stories in Europe and other countrieshighlight the fragmentation and emptiness of relationships.

Surely this does not indicate that seven out of ten Americans have completely iso-lated themselves from society, but rather that their relationships with otherswhichare often numerous lack genuine closeness.

Even within the context of marriage, superficial relationships are troublinglyprevalent. Can you imagine the pain and disillusionment that must result when amarriage relationship dissolves into indifference, distractions and avoidance becauseone or both partners essentially decide that, we dont really know each other, and

we dont really want to?

Tragically, it is possible to drift through life without ever experiencing the joy of car-ing intimacy with another human being. Indeed, far too many people find them-

selves trapped in a world of shallow, unfulfilling relationships. But we must recog-nize that this is not how we were created! We were created to relate in caring, givingways. Instead of settling for relationships that are distant, formal, or superficial, wecan experience relationships that are personal, deep, warm, and intimate. The popu-lar topic of Emotional Intelligence represents a recent emphasis on people comingto value the relational skills of identifying various feelings and expressing empathy.

How can we develop, deepen, and maintain this sort of caring intimacy? By drawingupon the strenghts of our religious beliefs, our relationship with God, and lovinglyreaching out to meet the needs of others. Closeness in relationships is the naturalresult of mutual need-meeting.

In the next chapter, we will take a closer look at the ten most significant relational

needs that we all share. But for now, complete the following assessment in order toclarify your attitudes about neediness.

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Strongly Disagree Disagree Not Sure Agree Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5

1. I believe that God created me with physical, spiritual, and relational needs.1 2 3 4 5

2. I believe that other people have these same needs.1 2 3 4 5

3. I believe that I should be active in seeking to meet the needs of others.

1 2 3 4 5

4. I would prefer trying to meet my own needs rather than asking others for help.1 2 3 4 5

5. I sometimes think other people should meet their own needs.1 2 3 4 5

6. I usually view my own needs as more important than the needs of others.

1 2 3 4 5

7. I feel guilty or bad that I have needs.1 2 3 4 5

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Personal Assessment


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It is important to recognize that we are needy, but it is equally important that werealize that close relationships in life have expressed care about our needs.

This connection between human need and caring relationships is evident across the

ages. How do you feel in your heart as you consider that important relationships inyour life have at times noticed, understood and given to your needs?

Then take some time to recall specific occasions when you sensed special care onyour behalf. Remember a time when you were provided for, encouraged, supportedor some other way loved. Then complete the following statement and share it asa testimony of gratitude:

I remember when (who)_____________________________ met a special need inmy life by ____________________________________.

Recently, (who) _____________________________ expressed care to me by

__________________________________________________________.

As I reflect on how these needs were met in my life my heart is moved with____________________________________________________________.

As you live life in the coming days - be aware of how important relationships inyour life may be meeting important needs like support and encouragment, apprecia-tion and respect.

As you experience family, friends and others noticing and giving to your needs -

express your gratitude!

Thank you for __________________________________________________

I appreciate you ________________________________________.

Im grateful that ________________________________________.


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Small Group Notes

We have been created with physical, spiritual, and relational needs. In this chapter,we have discussed five characteristics of those needs and five positive results of ourneediness. As we learn to admit our own needs, we will increasingly be able toexpress gratitude for the beneficial aspects of our neediness. In addition, we will befilled with compassion for others and begin to look for ways in which we can giveto meet their needs.

Starter Question

If you found yourself alone on a desert island without any human contact, what

would you miss most? Who would you miss most? - and why?

Discussion Questions

1. In small groups examine your responses to the Personal Assessment on p. 14,particularly statements #4 through #7. Take turns discussing these fourstatements with your group, sharing with each other which of the four you agreedwith most strongly. Meet one anothers need by giving your undivided attention andexpressing appropriate care.

2. When are you tempted to deny that you have needs?

3. When are you most challenged to give to the needs of others?

4. What kinds of selfish behaviors might lead to divisions and conflicts in relation-ships?

Homework- Share with someone the following sentences:I was reminded today how much I love you, and how proud I am that youare my son/daughter.

I was reminded today how much I love you, and how glad I am that you aremy husband/wife.

I was reminded today how much I love you, and how glad I am that I amyour daughter/son.


Enrichment Group Notes


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The Top Ten

Relational Needs

ow that we have examined some general characteristics of ourneediness, we are ready to undertake a more detailed explorationof our relational needs. In this chapter, we will survey ten significantrelational needs that are shared by all humanity: acceptance,

affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect,security, and support. As we will see, we each have opportunity to both receive

and give in relationship to these needs as we live life to the fullest in relationshipwith God and others.

ACCEPTANCE

The need for acceptanceis met by receiving others willingly and unconditionally (evenwhen their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differencesthat may exist between you.

Critical to this need for acceptance is to separate a persons worth and value from

their behavior and performance. Each person has worth and value which should beacknowledged by each of us. For example in parenting, I can still accept and lovemy child even while providing correction and discipline of their behavior. Even asjustice is sought and lived out in the affairs of men, dignity and significance ofhuman life remain important. To communicate acceptance is at times to value aperson while at the same time disapproving or even deploring their behavior.

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How Might You Meet Others Need for Acceptance?

1. Look beyond peoples faults, realizing that we all have them! The closer we get to

others, the more we notice their imperfections. Acceptance requires that we lookpast these flaws and focus instead on meeting their needs. We may need to addressfaults but we need to continue to care.

2. Forgive others when they commit offenses against you. Unforgiveness short-cir-

cuits acceptance and we all need the understanding and forgiveness of others.

3. Make a special effort to help others feel accepted when they experience failure ordisappointment, as peoples relational need for acceptance is greatly accentuatedduring such times.

4. Demonstrate genuine acceptance of those who are of a different race, nationality,or socio-economic group from your own. Strive to talk with them, welcome them,include them, and invite them to join you in various activities.

5. Be especially sensitive to others need for acceptance when they enter into a newenvironment. When people move to a different city, job or school, they have anacute need to be accepted and actively received into the new group.

Pause and Reflect:


Take a moment to recall a time when someone looked beyond your faults and sawyour needs. When did you receive acceptance in spite of your behavior? When did

someone look past your inadequacies or failures and communicate their care?

Now, share that memory with your partner or small group. Recount both yourexperience and your feelings related to the acceptance you received.

Someone looked past my faults/failures and expressed care to me by ___________.As a result, I remember feeling _______________.

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Make certain to give accepting responses to one another as you share. Acceptingresponses might sound like: I know that time must have been hard for you. Imgrateful that you received his/her acceptance, or I am sad that you experienced

those difficult things, yet I am happy that there was someone in your life to showyou acceptance.

AFFECTION

The need for affectionis met by expressing care and closeness through physical touchand through words such as I love you or I care about you.

Appropriate expressions of affection are obviously important within marriage.

Infants and children are born needing to be held and hugged in order to developin healthy ways.

Even youth and young adults, while they may not admit it, also benefit fromfamily and friends who express caring affection.

Friendships benefit from heart-felt expressions of caring words and reassuringpresence.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Affection?

1. Give affection through physical touch. Different gestures will be appropriatedepending on the nature of your relationship with the other person:

Your spouse hold, caress, hug, embrace, hold hands, kiss. Many married couplescan benefit by increasing their non-sexual expressions of affection.

Your children hold, hug, kiss, hold hands, wrestle.

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Friends shake hands, embrace, friendly kiss, give a gentle pat on theback...always being consistent with appropriate culture and customs.

(Note: Someone might indicate that they are uncomfortable receiving affectionthrough physical touch, be careful about persisting to offer it.)

2. Verbalize your love and care by speaking tender words of endearment. For manypeople in your family it may be particularly meaningful to receive an unsolicited,spontaneous I love you. If you have difficulty speaking words of love and affec-tion, begin by writing your thoughts on cards and notes before progressing to verbalcommunication.

APPRECIATION

The need for appreciationis met by expressing thanks, praise, or commendation,particularly in recognition of someones accomplishments or efforts; appreciationhas a specific focus on what a person does.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Appreciation?

1. Make it a point to praise people verbally. When someone performs a positivedeed, makes a significant contribution, or simply tries hard, commend that person.For many people, such verbal praise is particularly effective when given publicly.

2. Focus on the things that people do right, not just on the things that they dowrong. Your spouse, children, employees, and friends will almost certainly be moremotivated by positive affirmation than by negative critiques.

3. Generously give tangible expressions of appreciation, such as cards, notes,plaques, and special gifts that reflect a knowledge of the recipients unique interests,contributions and accomplishments.

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Pause and Reflect:


First list below a few of the important relationships in your life...spouse, one ormore of your children, friend, co-worker, etc. Then, Recall a recent time when youwere grateful for something that they did in a helpful, positive, supportive way.

IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP1. Im appreciative that2. Im appreciative that3. Im appreciative that4. Im appreciative thatExample: My wife Teresa Im appreciative that she is very supportive with

meals, helping with my

clothes and many household

maintenance items.

APPROVAL

The need for approvalis met by building up or affirming another person, particularlyfor who they are(as opposed to what they do). It is also met by affirming both thefact and the importance of our relationship with another person.

Approval is best understood as a process of discovering and expressing your grate-fulness for another person in terms of who they are (i.e. their character, strengths,talents, gifts). Approval can be expressed privately as well as publicly. It can be

expressed verbally, in writing, or in other creative ways. Being able to give another

person Approval requires getting to know him/her more deeply.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Approval?

1. Publicly and privately express to people their great value to you by saying thingslike, I am so fortunate to have a friend like you, I am so blessed to have you asmy father, or I could not ask for a better co-worker than you!

2. Affirm people for who they are and for the positive character qualities theyexhibit, such as diligence, gentleness, honesty, purity, dependability, faithfulness,punctuality, compassion, joyfulness and initiative.

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3. Make it a priority to give explicit approval to your immediate family members. Ifyou are married, tell your spouse: God has blessed me so much by giving me youas my spouse! If you have children, tell them: I am so proud that you are my

daughter, or I am so glad you are my son, I love you. When parents voice theirapproval of a childs unique character qualities, it helps to free that child from feel-ing like he or she has to compete with siblings or peers for approval. As childrenexperience the security that comes with parental approval, they are enabled to growand mature without being paralyzed by a fear of failure.

4. When you are in a position of authority over others, your approval is especiallyimportant to them. Affirming those over whom you have supervision bringspersonal encouragement, strengthens group morale, and keeps people frombecoming weary in doing good.

Pause and Reflect:


From the list below select a character quality that some key people in your life pos-sess. After youve selected a person and a character quality, think of specific eventsor experiences that reveal or display these attributes.

Contentment Gratefulness Sensitivity Hospitality Truthfulness Diligence Understanding Discernment Patience Generosity Self-Control Resourcefulness

Creativity Loyalty ForgivenessIMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP

1. Im grateful that(who) is2. Im grateful that(who) is3. Im grateful that(who) is4. Im grateful that(who) isExample:

Im grateful that (who)Teresa isvery forgiving-especially of my shortcomings.

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ATTENTIONThe need for attentionis met by conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care.

Addressing this need requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to

enter into their respective worlds.

Meeting the need for Attention often involves the simplest of the relational skills:simply noticing, listening and showing interest. Even though simple, a price must

be paid and the price is to think of others more often rather than merely thinkingof ourselves.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Attention?

1. Spend timewith people. There is no substitute for simply being with someone.Time is a valuable commodity, and giving it to others is thus a wonderful way to

express attentive care.

2. Do not just spend time with groups of people; arrange forprivate meetings withspecific individuals. Our need for attention simply cannot be met as well in groups

as it can in a one-on-one setting. For instance, if you have three children, you mightspend private time with each child on a regular basis in order to meet their individ-ual needs for attention.

3. Meet people where they are. Enter into theirworlds. Let your child take you tohis or her favorite park. If you have a business luncheon, pick up your client at his

or her office. When your spouse, child, or friend has a performance, concert, sport-ing event, or awards ceremony, be there. Even though it might not be your favorite

way to pass the time, invest yourself in the hobbies, activities, and pasttimes of oth-ers.

4. Listen to people. Speak less and listen more! Do not dominate conversations,

but encourage others to talk about themselves and their feelings, plans, goals, anddreams. Arrange to meet people in an environment where you will not be interrupt-ed.

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Concentrate on the conversation; do not daydream or succumb to distractions(t.v.s, cell phones, etc.). Give eye contact, show interest, ask questions-in order tobetter know people.

Pause and Reflect:


Who Entered Your World? Becoming a person who cares for others begins withlearning to truly be with them and getting to know them. Consider your growing-up years. Do you remember someone who entered your world and really got toknow you-a parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent, teacher, coach, other friend? Didthese people know you more than at a superficial level-knowing what you enjoyed,hoped, dreaded, or when you were hurting or afraid?

In the space below, write the names of the people who did know you and describe

how they entered your world and got to know you. Then share one of your exam-ples with others in your group.

Who Knew You? What Did Entering Your World Look Like?

COMFORT

The need for comfortis met by caringly responding to a hurting person throughwords, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch. Meeting this need requiresus to truly hurt with and for another person in the midst of their grief or pain.

A story is told of a young girl named Jane, late for dinner after playing next door ather friend Marys house. Her mother inquired as to why she was late, and Jane

responded Marys favorite doll broke! So her mother continued to inquire So

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you stayed to help her fix it? No, said Jane, I stayed and helped her cry.Comfort is to hurt with another person. Comfort is an emotional, heart-feltresponse to anothers heart-felt sadness, pain, loss or discouragement. Comfort is

NOT facts, logic or reason, but rather it is to be moved with compassion to expressCARE to another at their point of pain.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Comfort?

1. Learn to recognize when people need comfort, and be available and willing tocare for them during such times. Peoples need for comfort is most acute when theyare physically ill, dealing with the illness or death of a loved one, going through adivorce or separation, unemployed, under significant stress, or facing a major changein their normal routine as a result of a job change, relocation or a similarly disrup-tive circumstance. Acute trauma from violence, abuse, abandonment and betrayal

most definitely need the blessing of comfort.

2. When someone needs comfort, refrain from analyzing the root causes of theirmisfortune (The reason this happened was), giving advice (If I were you, Iwould), and criticizing their behavior (If you had not _____, this would nothave happened to you.). Instead, learn to empathize with those who are hurting,identifying with their feelings, joining them in their mourning, and offering sensitive,sympathetic care. Remember that comfort is an emotionalresponse to another per-

sons emotionalpain. The need for comfort cannot be adequately met by rationalresponses such as analysis, advice, or criticism.

3. Use words that convey genuine comfort, such as, I am so sorry that you arehurting, I hurt for you, I love you and I want to care for you or I am on yourside and I am committed to help you through this. Such expressions of comfortcan be communicated both verbally and in writing.

4. In addition to verbal expressions of comfort, use appropriate physical touch toshare your care. If administered sensitively and sincerely, a warm embrace, a squeezeof the hand, or simply your quiet presence can bring great comfort to a hurtingperson.

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5. Sometimes simply being with others in a time of difficulty or losssitting quietlybeside them in a hospital room, at a funeral, or in their home after a significant cri-sis provides great comfort.

6. Sincere and emotional responses such as a sad look or even tears can powerfullyconvey your compassion and bring comfort.

ENCOURAGEMENT

The need for encouragementis met by urging others to persist and persevere in their

efforts to attain their goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.

Life in an imperfect world inevitably brings its measure of discouragement, disillu-sionment and anxiety. From the youngest age we face challenges, difficulties, fail-ures and inadequacies. Its at such times that we dont need to be alone! We needsomeone to believe in us, urge us on and re-focus our hopes on the future; such isthe importance of encouragement.

How Might You Meet Others Need for Encouragement?

1. Encourage your spouse, children, and friends to live productive lives by helpingthem to develop plans and goals for the future, actively assisting them in reaching

those goals. If they are already goal-oriented, learn what their goals are and helpthem to succeed.

2. Recognize when others are discouraged and give encouragement to them. Listenclosely for verbal evidence of discouragement, including statements such as, I willnever be able to I just cant or Its no use. Respond with caring,comforting words such as, It hurts me to hear you say that or I am sad that youare feeling this way. Then offer a few words that will build them up, such as: Ibelieve in you or I know that you can do this.

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3. Encouragement can be given through a phone call, a card or letter, or a personalvisit. Make it a habit to perform several encouraging gestures each day.

4. Let people know that you are thinking of them...that they have recently been onyour mind. Remember things that are important to them, asking about them often.

5. When others are discouraged, include them in a meal, invite them to join you inan activity or spend a day out together. Often, a simple change of routine, along

with meaningful companionship, can lift a persons spirits and encourage their heart.

Pause and Reflect:


Be on guard to some of the personal challenges of being a great encourager!

We will miss opportunities to encourage others when we are:Focused so much on our own needs, giving little attention to othersFocused more on the past rather than the futureInsistent on perfection, precision, and our own timingControlling, nagging, and complainingPutting activities and accomplishments before peopleFocusing on what we dont have and what we cant doLacking hope-filled goals ourselves

After youve marked those items in each category you believe describes you, discussyour answers with one another.

RESPECT

The need for respectis met by valuing one another highly, treating one another asimportant, and honoring one another with our words and actions.

Conveying Respect is to affirm the significance, value and worth that the creatorintends for each human being. Respect for individuals is one of the ways we com-municate the unique place that people hold in Gods creative order of all things.

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How Might You Meet Others Need for Respect?

1. Before making an important decision that will impact other people, take time to

discuss the matter with them. For instance, husbands and wives should discussbusiness and employment commitments, trips, guests, major expenditures, and othersignificant issues before any commitments are made. Likewise, parents should dis-

cuss with each other (and even with older children) issues such as household choresand disciplinary procedures.

2. Ask others to share their ideas and give their input and, whenever possible andappropriate, defer to their opinions. For example, rather than tellingyour familywhere they are going on holiday, ask them where they would like to go. Instead ofalways handing down orders to your employees, allow them to be involved in the

decision- making process.

3. Respect the property, privacy, and personal preferences of those around you. Ifyou borrow something from a friend, return it in better shape than you received it.When you are visiting someones home or office, show proper respect for his or herpreferences regarding how it is kept. Honor other peoples privacy: allow yourspouse to enjoy needed times of solitude, knock before entering your childs room,and ask before sitting at a co-workers desk or looking through another personsbelongings.

4. Respect other peoples time by being prompt for appointments. Being late andmaking others wait on us indicates a measure of disrespect for their schedule andeffectively robs them of an irreplaceable commodity--time!

5. Eliminate all prejudices related to the issues of race, ethnicity, gender, and

socio-economic standing. Any such form of cultural bias or favoritism underminesrespect and distracts from the creators having given unique value to every person.

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How Might You Meet Others Need for Support?

1. Anticipate and notice when people are experiencing periods of stress, and be

available to help them. High stress can be produced by busy schedules,unemployment, illness, death in the family, divorce, financial instability, family prob-lems, relocation, or pressures at work. Such occasions can produce more pressure

than one person can bear without the support of others.

2. Be willing to do practical tasks to help others. Providing a meal, running errands,

cleaning, child-care, or household assistance may provide just the emotional lift thatsomeone needs.

3. Offer to use your personal resources to help support others. Not only will you

meet the practical needs of others by aiding them in this way, but they will also beuniquely encouraged and blessed by your generosity.

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Imagine a beautiful, many sided diamond, brilliant in color and clarity. This is the

image of love in its many forms. Just as a diamond has many facets that eachreflect light in a unique and stunning way, so love has many aspects, each of whichbecome visible in our lives at various times according to need. Picture this multi-faceted diamond being offered to you as a gift, with each side of the diamond rep-resenting the love necessary to address one of your ten key relational needs.

Extended to you is loving acceptance, affectionate care, appreciation for yourefforts, approval for who you are, comfort when you are in pain, encouragementwhen you are down, respect for you as an individual, security in the midst of uncer-tainty, and support when you are burdened. What have you or I done to deservesuch a wondrous gift? We have done nothing. We cando nothing. It is only in lovethat our needs are met.

Pause to reflect on a time when you were discouraged and you were encouraged

through someone who cared. Remember a time when you were hurting and youwere comforted or when you were lonely and someone took thought of you. Thencomplete the following statement:

I remember a time when I felt , and love was extendedto me by as he/she .

For example:

I remember a time when I felt lonely, and love was extended to me by a friend ashe/she called me and showed me love and concern.

Pause to reflect on your gratitude for the precious, multi-faceted gift of love.

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When relational needs are met, our lives are enriched. It is important to learn what

those needs look like in ourselves and others. In this chapter, we have explored tenspecific relational needs, focusing on how we can meet these needs for others.

1. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special inmy family/marriage when.....

Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and then

note which relational need this may be meeting.

For example:*I feel cared for when my family members help me with the chores around the

house. (support)*I feel loved when my husband surprises me with appreciative words.

(appreciation)

2. Complete the following sentence: I feel loved, cared for, important, or special inmy friendships when.....

Now review the list of Ten Relational Needs, along with their definitions and thennote which relational need this may be meeting.

For example:

*I feel important to a friend when he/she seeks my input, advice or opinion.(respect)

*I feel connected to a friend when he/she takes initiative to contact/check on me.(attention)

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Getting to know a person well involves learning about what is on the inside(thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc.) as well as what can be observedexternally (physical attributes, abilities, occupation, etc.). A good way to do this is to

engage someone in discussion using open-ended questions (ones that cannot beanswered with a simple yes or no).

Here are a few examples of meeting a persons need for Attention

Tell me about yourself and some of the things you enjoy. What do you like most about living here/working there, etc.? If you could do anything you wanted to, what would it be? You seem upset today. Would you like to talk about it?

In addition, occasional responses of concern, celebration, sadness, or appreciationwill assure the person that you care about what they say.

3. In groups of two or three, take turns learning something new about each otheras you practice using open-ended questions.

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Overcoming Hindrances

to Grateful Giving

ince we are created with needs that canonly be met through relationships, how we interact with one another

concerning our needs will determine the health and fulfillment in our families,

friendships, workplaces, and communities. In healthy relationships, a dynamic ofgrateful giving is present.

Grateful giving might include:

Initiating quality time to better know a family member or friend.

Surprising a relative or friend with an unexpected phone call.

Supporting people with difficult circumstances in practical ways with food,clothing, etc.

Volunteering as a mentor to needy children or youth.

Remembering to acknowledge a friends birthday with a card, call or gift.

Surprising a friend or family member with their favorite snack or soft drink.

Regretably, relationships at home, in the workplace, at school or in the community

are very often not characterized by grateful giving. Exploring the three commonhindrances to needs being met can assist us in becoming more of a giving firstperson.

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Reflections on Grateful Giving: Consider Your Recent Giving

First Experiences to Family, Friends and Others...

Recently I was able to give first to (who) __________ by____________.

Recently I was able to show (who)___________ attention by __________.

Recently I was able to encourage (who)__________ by ______________.

Recently I was able to give comfort to (who)__________ by __________.

Share at least one example with your group.

Hindrances to Relational Closeness

What hinders and limits our relationships, keeping them superficial and disengaged?What tendencies do you see in yourself that have caused relationships to struggle orbe disrupted? What blocks us from expressing more of the love our family and

friends need?

Three of the most damaging obstacles to closeness and abundance in relationshipsare selfishness, self-reliance and self- condemnation.

SELFISHNESS - EXALTING OUR OWN NEEDS

My needs are the most important! You owe me. Demanding or manip-

ulating to get needs met; taking from others instead of patiently receiving.

A person hindered by selfishness is exalting his needs, demanding that they be met

or selfishly taking what he needs. Underlying this attitude is a belief that, I will notbe okay unless my needs are met and I must take matters into my own hands. We

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might see this tendency revealed by a person who talks constantly and at greatlength about himself without asking about others. This behavior suggests an unmetneed for attention. Rather than trust others to inquire of him, he demands theirattention by dominating the conversation. In a more subtle way, selfishness may beat work in someone who works excessively, compulsively seeking approval through avariety of achievements. The tragedy of selfish taking is that we end up securingonly a counterfeit of that which we really need-unconditional love demonstrated

through the meeting of relational needs.

Miss out on the joy of giving.

Giving to others brings an inner sense of joy that we have positively contributedto the life of another. Giving also guards our heart from a destructive sense of our

own self-entitlement. Failure to recognize and put away this tendency can cause usto miss out on the true joy of giving to meet others needs. In addition, we mayexperience rejection as others are pushed away by our self-centered behavior.

Become even more dissatisfied.

Ironically, when we selfishly take to have our needs met, even when someonemeets our need, were not satisfied. When we take a hug from our spouse, ourneed for affection is not satisfied. When we manipulate or make demands to getattention, even if we get it, our need is not met. When we intimidate someone intoasking our opinion, our need for respect is not satisfied. We cant experience grate-fulness for the affection, attention or respect we received from others because downdeep we know that it was not freely given, but we took it.

Selfishness doesnt satisfy. It actually hinders our ability to experience close andabundant relationships. Focus exclusively on our own needs and our friends will be

few!

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You Might be Hindered by Selfish Taking When:

You find yourself talking more than listening.

You are frequently disappointed by others lack of noticing you or expressing care.

You become demanding towards others or often angry at their insensitivites towardyou.

Others might at times avoid you, lose interest in you or rarely give to you.

Over-coming SelfishnessA. Thinking More of Others Than Yourself

Pause and Reflect:


Before you begin sharing, plan to listen carefully, give good eye contact and focusyour thoughts on seeking to better know your partner. Make brief notes if you

need to, but seek to remember whats being shared.

Be slow to speak, quick to listen.

Listening Exercise: Practice listening attentively to a partner in your group as you

each take turns sharing such things as:

1. A very special person in your life as you were growing up.2. A place you would like to visit if you could visit anywhere in the world.3. A favorite food, snack or beverage.4. Two words that others might use to describe you.

Pause and Reflect:


Now in your small group, take turns introducing your partner to the group. Forexample: Davids grandfather was a very accepting and supportive person in his

life. David loves visiting South Africa with his wife Teresa, especially to see herexcitement in seeing animals. A favorite food would be chips and hotsauce andfriends might describe David as laid back and a visionary. (Note: use as few ofyour notes as possible, sharing as much as possible from memory.)

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Group Member Name Notes

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

B. Give First - Dont Try to Overcome Wrong with Wrong - but

Overcome Wrong with Right

The wrong of selfish-taking is best overcome by grateful giving. Its difficult tothink of yourself when youve focused on thinking of others (reflect on your

Listening Exercise on the previous page). Begin each day asking - who will I giveto today? and it will help overcome selfishness.

Pause and Reflect:Consider now a few ideas for giving first to your group members based uponwhat you have come to know about them.

For Example:

I could find and send an article on their favorite place to visit.

I could send a note or mention privately/publicly my appreciation for having seenone of the descriptive words that others might have used to describe this groupmember.

I could ask, what made your grandfather or other special person so meaningful in

your life - could you share a story?

I could surprise my group member with their favorite food, snack, etc. next time Isee him/her.

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Pause and Reflect:

Consider at least two or three giving first ideas you can follow through on withmembers of your group between now and your next meeting.

Group Member Name Giving First Plan

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

SELF-RELIANCE - DENYING OUR NEEDS

I dont have any needs, but if I did, I would meet them myself.

Self-reliance is another obstacle to genuine health and abundance in relationships.

Self-reliance reflects a denial of our neediness and stems from a core belief that, Idont have any needs that cannot be met on my own. The danger of denying ourneed for others is that prideful self-reliance can develop hardness of heart and causeus to blindly miss caring for the needs of others from a grateful heart.

Not only does self-reliance blind us from the truth of our neediness, it also inhibitsour ability and willingness to meet the needs of others. We will often minimize theneeds of others (since we refuse to validate them in ourselves). When we begin to

understand and face our own neediness, we become more understanding, sympa-thetic, patient, caring, and respectful.

Denying our needs seriously hinders healthy relationships. If were not willing toadmit that we have needs, we may be reluctant to acknowledge the needs of otherpeople and well often tend to resist meeting them.

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If I think I dont need comfort, I may show little empathy when someone

else needs comforting.

If Im unwilling to admit that I need attention, I may resist meeting even mychildrens need for attention.

If I think everyone ought to take care of themselves when they are dis-couraged, I may be reluctant to offer supportor encouragementwhen others are

going through hard times.

When people attempt to express their needs, our attitude may be Whats wrongwith you? I dont have any needs, why do you? We may impatiently resort to crit-icism, lecturing, correcting, teaching, belittling, or just plain neglect.

Sadly, self-reliance hinders your own needs being met. When others try to comfortus we may respond with, Im fine. When someone attempts to support us we maycommunicate, I can do it myself. In summary, two common painful outcomesfrom self-reliance often are:

Miss out on the Closeness of Connected Relationships and Community.Recall the thought that aloneness is not good - we were made to relate!Fulfillment in life comes in large part through the closeness of family and friend-ships plus the connection with others in caring community. You miss out on theintimacy that comes from others caring for you when self-reliance is not addressed.

Miss out on the Joy of Giving

The joy of seeing others positively impacted through the thoughtfulness and caringinitiatives of our lives is missed as we entertain the self-reliant lie that since I reallydont need other people - why should they need me?! Giving first to othersprompts gratitude and often a contagious giving follows as our life impacts otherswith a legacy of thoughtful care.

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You might be hindered by self-reliance when:

You are more task-focused than people focused.

You often miss the important needs of others in your life.

Others might view you as non-relational, cold, insensitive, aloof.

You view others who express needs as if they are weak.

You become prideful about how well you can take care of everything by yourself.

Pause and Reflect:


Consider again the important person you mentioned from your growing up. Inwhat ways would you say they gave to you?

I sensed (who)________________ was an important person in my life especiallyas he/she gave __________________.

Example: I sensed my grandfather was an important person in my life, especially ashe continued to spend quality time with me and show interest in my life, even whenas a teenager, I was very rebellious.

Overcoming Self-Reliance

A. Vulnerability with Your Own Needs, Pain & Struggles

Risking openness in safe relationships about our own struggles and pain is criticalto addressing the self-reliant lie.

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I need to be more open and vulnerable with (who)______________________

about __________________________________.

Example: I need to be more open and vulnerable with my small group about

my struggles with my temper.

Risking openness with family and friends about our needs, opens the way for deep-er, closer relationships.

Pause and Reflect:


It means a lot to me when a friend ____________________________.

Example: It means a lot to me when a friend initiates contact just to check

on me.

I enjoy it when someone I know ______________________________.

Example: I enjoy it when someone I know notices Im down, or notmyself and asks why?

Take turns sharing and possibly note what each member shares:

Group Member Ideas for Caring Connection

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

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B. Giving First

Again a critical part of breaking self-reliance is to gratefully give to others evenwhen our natural tendancy might be to think they shouldnt need me!

Pause and Reflect:

Look at giving first opportinities from the previous list. Consider a giving-first

plan for two or three group members between now and your next meeting.

Group Member Name Giving First Plan

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

SELF-CONDEMNATION - CONDEMNING OUR NEEDINESS

I think I have needs, but I feel guilty that I do. Maybe Im needy because

theres something wrong with me.

A third obstacle to health and abundance in relationships is self-condemnation.This tendency reflects a condemnation of our neediness and reveals an underlyingbelief that, There must be something wrong with me because I am needy. Imeither inadequate or not worth having needs met. Here, the presence of neediness

is admitted, but condemned. It might appear in a person apologizing because shecried in your presence. You may also see self-condemnation at work if a friend

apologizes for making an issue of the disappointment felt when you failed to callor drop by for several weeks.

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Most of us are unaware that these obstacles to healthy relationships are at work

within us. Few of us awoke one day and decided to begin being self-condemning orselfish or self-reliant. We gradually developed these tendencies without consciousawareness. A pattern of self-condemnation may be related to having received muchcriticism and blame. Self-condemnation could also be related to home environ-ments where very few relational needs were met.

Self-condemnation is a subtle trap that says:

I want to spend time with other people; I must be overlydependent.

I cannot do this project by myself; I guess I must be incompetent.

I seem to need my spouse to encourage me; is there something wrongwith me?

Self-condemnation robs us of life abundance in at least two ways:

Miss Out On Gratefully Receiving from Others

Condemnation tends to block receiving from others even when they seek to initiatecare. Since condemnation tends to bring questions about my worth and value, when

a family member or friend seeks to give to me in some way, I might discount theircare as if its not true or Im not deserving.

For Example:

Receiving Affirmation: Youre really good at (computers, music, sports, etc.)

might prompt, Im not nearly as good as I ought to be.

Receiving Appreciation: I really appreciate you for (your kindness, phone call,

help, etc). might prompt, Oh, its not that big a deal.

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When our receiving is hindered, our gratitude is hindered and then our giving toothers is hindered! Those who struggle with self-condemnation tend not to be gen-uinely grateful, joyful people.

Miss Out on Giving First to Others

With gratitude hindered, thoughtful giving to others is often hindered. Additionally,even as I might seek to give to others - Im hindered in seeing that others wouldreally value my encouragement, my appreciation, my attention - because after all Im

not very important anyway!

You might be hindered by self-condemnation when:

You doubt why others would want to spend time with you.

You apologize - Im sorry for an excessive number of things which are not yourfault. Or, you resist admitting when you are wrong.

You discount/reject others expressions of appreciation/approval.

You often feel inadequate about many things.

You might often avoid close relationships or relational settings.

Overcoming Self-Condemnation

A. Receive from OthersWhen given a compliment or apprecation - simply say thank you- dont discount

or minimize what a friend or family member is seeking to give.

When someone wants to rejoice and celebrate with you - let them - youre worth it!

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Pause and Reflect:


Consider the list of selected character qualities below and then take turns sharingwords of grateful approval with one another. Start with each person giving andreceiving at least one affirming sentence.

Selected Character Qualities:

Sensitive Understanding ResourcefulThoughtful Creative Hospitable

Supportive Diligent GenerousCaring Dependable Grateful

(Who)___________, Ive come to really appreciate you for your__________________________especially when ________________.

(Who)___________, Im grateful for your _________________ as you have______________________.

Summary:

Contagious, grateful giving is a key to healthy homes, workplaces, friendships, com-munities and relationships of all kinds. Overcoming our hindrances is a lifelongchallenge but well worth the effort.

To help overcome selfishness, listen and give to others.

To help overcome self-reliance, be vulnerable and give to others.

To help overcome self-condemnation, receive and give to others.

Notice the importance of becoming a giving first person!

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The Benefits of Gratefulness

As we mentioned previously, all humans have physical, spiritual, and relationalneeds. Meeting those needs will cause us to have a heart of gratitude. Some bene-fits of gratitude are:

Gratefulness helps prompt our giving to others.

Gratefulness guards us from a critical, negative attitude.Gratefulness guards us from a judgmental spirit.Gratefulness, when expressed to others, can motivate them to continue in

their lifestyle of giving.Gratefulness to God is an important element of our relationship with Him.

It also reminds us to remember Gods benefits and to count our bless-ings.

Sharing Blessings

Take time to identify benefits youve experienced during this study. Consider how

youve been blessed through your family, friends, co-workers or other group mem-bers.

Additionally, you might regularly involve family members in a sharing of recentblessings and expressing appreciation. Some of the blessings could be:

Loved ones, whom you've recently been reminded of in a special way.

Character qualities in your spouse, children, family or friends which areinspiring to you.

Often overlooked blessings of creation, life, health, and provision.Specific caring initiatives toward you.Spiritual realities such as peace, prayer and reassurance.

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The Expression of Appreciation

Appreciation helps seal in our hearts the reality of the blessings, and when weexpress appreciation, others are pleased and encouraged. Appreciation can beshared:

Verbally with a simple "thanks."In writing, with a note or email of appreciation.

Publicly as we tell others of our genuine gratitude.

Look for expressions of family members love, special people, events, and experi-ences that have impacted our lives. Then privately or publicly, verbally or in writing- express your gratefulness.

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Learning to Identify Peoples Needs

by Listening to What They Say

People often express their relational needs through their words. The more familiarwe are with the Top Ten Relational Needs, the better equipped we will be to identifyothers needs by simply listening to what they are saying. Listed below are somephrases you might hear from your spouse, children, friends, or co-workers. Beside

each phrase, write down the relational need(s) that the statement reflects.

Acceptance Affection Appreciation Approval AttentionComfort Encouragement Respect Security Support

You are always so busy. ______________________________Look what I did! ___________________________________Are you interested in what I think?______________________Do you love me? ___________________________________I just cannot do this. ________________________________

I feel so out of place. _______________________________I have had a really bad day. ___________________________Could we spend some time together? ___________________I am really upset! ___________________________________I just need you to hold me. ___________________________Would you help me? ________________________________I wish my nose was not so big. ________________________What do you think of my project? ______________________I cannot do anything right! ___________________________

I quit! ___________________________________________You always make all the decisions. _____________________

I just want a place we can call home. ____________________

Slow to speak - quick to listen! Now that you have listened, give first to their

needs!

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Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

2. Thanks List

Begin by listing at least six areas of genuine thankfulness you have about your rela-tionships at home, with friends and at work. Be specific. Look particularly forthings you may take for granted. (For example: Im grateful for my husbands hardwork as a provider for our family. Im thankful for my friends loyalty and faith-fulness to our friendship. Im thankful for the way my family member shows carewith words and affection. I appreciate my co-workers sensitivity to others feel-ings.)

Thanks List1.______________________________________________________________

2.______________________________________________________________

3.______________________________________________________________

4.______________________________________________________________

5.______________________________________________________________

6.______________________________________________________________

Now share at least one of these with a partner or your small group as you receivetheir celebration with you.

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3. Giving to someone you might avoid!

We all have people in our lives who we might avoid.

Maybe someone who has hurt us, someone with whom we have had conflict, etc.

Our becoming a person who gives first means we may want to re-consider ourattitude and actions.

Pause and Reflect:

A person in my life I need to consider giving to might be (who) ___________.I could give to him/her by ________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

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Which Needs Are Most

Important?

e were all created by God withcertain physical, spiritual, and relationalneeds. These needs are part of whatwe all have in common as humans.However, while we all share the same relational needs, their order of

importance may differ greatly from person to person. For example, your mostsignificant need may be for affection, while your friend or spouses greatest needmay be for security. One of your children may have a strong need for comfort, butanother childs greatest need may be encouragement.Appreciation may be at thetop of the list for your neighbor, while someone you work with might needapproval more than anything else.

If we do not recognize this important truth, we may fall into the trap of attemptingto meet other peoples needs by providing them only what is most important to usor what we think they need. For instance, if your greatest need is for affection, youmay sincerely inundate your spouse with affection without realizing that it may be atthe bottom of his or her needs list. You may then become upset when your spouse

is not overwhelmed with gratitude for what you perceive as your generous gift ofaffection. It would be an innocent, well-meaning mistake on your part, but a mistakenevertheless. Maybe your best friend needs encouragement but you with goodintentions consistently share appreciation; without realizing it, you have missed outon loving them well.

Learning to love others well requires that we take the time to know them and todiscover their high-priority needs.

What determines the order of importance of our relational needs? Why might onepersons greatest need be another persons least significant one? In this chapter, wewill explore the concept of high-priority needs and how these possibly became so

important.

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DISCOVERINGYOURHIGH-PRIORITY RELATIONALNEEDS

We have provided two tools to help determine high-priority needs. The Top TenRelational Needs Assessment(page 60) will simply ask you to select the three needs thatyou believe to be of greatest importance to you based on their descriptions. The TopTen Relational Needs Questionnaire (page 61) will help you to create a more thoroughconsideration of your needs by asking you to respond to a series of statements thatare designed to reveal the degree to which each of the ten relational needs is signifi-cant to you. We will encourage you to seek opportunities to utilize these tools with

friends, family and others in order that you can better know and care for others.

After you have completed both the needs assessment and the questionnaire,compare your two sets of results. Sometimes the questionnaire reveals that ourhighest-priority needs are different from those that we selected on the needsassessment. It can be insightful to consider why such differences occur, and it isparticularly important to reflect on whether some of the inconsistencies are relatedto the fact that certain needs are harder for us to admit that we have. Another rea-son our guesses might not match the inventory is that often we may not knowourselves and be aware of ourselves in this relational way, which is often associ-ated with others in our life not giving priority to relational connections. We alsoencourage you to use this assessment and questionnaire with others in order to gain

greater insight into their unique mix of relational needs.

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Instructions: Read the definitions below and select the three needs that you believeare most important to you.

Acceptance: Receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even when theirbehavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any offenses or differ-ences that may exist between you.

Affection: Expressing care and closeness through appropriate physical touch andthrough words such as I love you or I care about you.

Appreciation: Expressing thanks, praise, or commendation, particularly in recog-nition of someones accomplishments or efforts; appreciation has a specific focuson what a person does.

Approval: Building up or affirming another person, particularly for who theyare(as opposed to what they do) and their characteristics. It is also met by affirmingboth the fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.

Attention: Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care. Addressing thisneed requires us to take notice of others and make an effort to listen to them, give

them time, and enter into their respective worlds for their sake.Comfort: Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emo-

tional responses, and appropriate physical touch.

Encouragement: Urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attaintheir goals, and by stimulating them toward love and good deeds.

Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and hon-oring one another with our words and actions. Valuing anothers opinion, privacy,and properties.

Security: Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and provid-

ing freedom from fear or threat of harm.

Support: Coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistancewith a problem or struggle.

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Which Needs Are Most Important?

Top Ten Relational Needs Assessment


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Instructions: Respond to these statements by placing the appropriate numberbeside each item.

Strongly Disagree Disagree Not Sure Agree Strongly Agree-2 -1 0 +1 +2

____ 1. It is important that people receive me for who I am, even if I am alittle different.

____ 2. It is important to me that my world is in order.____ 3. I sometimes grow tired of trying to do my best.____ 4. It is significant to me when others ask my opinion.____ 5. It is important that I receive frequent physical hugs, warm embraces, etc.____ 6. I feel good when someone takes a special interest in the things that are

important to me.____ 7. It is important to me to know where I stand with those who are in authority

over me.____ 8.It is meaningful when someone notices that I need help and then offers to get

involved.____ 9. When I feel overwhelmed, I especially need someone to come alongside me

and help.____ 10. I feel pleased when someone recognizes and shows concern for how I am

feeling emotionally.____ 11. I like to know that who I am is significant and valued by others.____ 12. Generally speaking, I dont like a lot of solitude.____ 13. I like it when my loved ones say to me, I love you.____ 14. I dont like being seen only as a part of a large groupmy individuality is

important.____ 15. I am pleased when a friend calls to listen to me and encourage me.____ 16. It is important to me that people acknowledge me not just for what I do,

but for who I am.____ 17. I feel best when my world is orderly and somewhat predictable.____ 18. When I have worked hard on a project, I am pleased to have people acknowl-

edge my work and express gratitude.____ 19. I am happy when others who enjoy my company are with me.____ 20. It is encouraging to me when I realize that others notice my efforts and

accomplishments.____ 21. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and discouraged.

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Top Ten Relational Needs Questionnaire


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____ 22. It is important to me to be treated with kindness and equality regardless ofmy race, gender, looks, and status.

____ 23. To have someone I care about touch me on the arm or shoulder or hugme feels good.

____ 24. I enjoy it when someone wants to spend time with just me.____ 25. It is meaningful when someone I look up to says, Good job.____ 26. It is important to me for someone to show concern for me after Ive had a

hard day.____ 27.While I may feel confident about what I do (my talents, gifts, etc.), I also

believe that I need other peoples input and help.

____ 28. Written notes and calls expressing sympathy after the death of a lovedone, health problems, or other stressful events are (or would be) very mean-ingful to me.

____ 29. I feel good when someone shows satisfaction with the way I am.____ 30. I enjoy being spoken well of or affirmed in front of a group of people.____ 31. I would be described as an affectionate person.____ 32. When a decision is going to affect my life, it is important to me that my

input is sought and given serious consideration.____ 33. I am pleased when someone shows interest in current projects on which I

am working.____ 34. I appreciate trophies, plaques, and special gifts, which are a permanent

reminder of something significant that I have done.____ 35. It is not unusual for me to worry about the future.

____ 36. When I am introduced into a new environment, I typically search for agroup of people with whom I can connect.

____ 37. The possiblility of major change (moving, new job, etc.) produces anxietyfor me.

____ 38. It bothers me when people are prejudiced against others just becausethey dress or act different.

____ 39. It is necessary for me to be surrounded by friends and loved ones who will bethere for me through thick and thin.

____ 40. Receiving written notes and expressions of gratitude particularly pleaseme.

____ 41. To know that someone is thinking of me is very meaningful.____ 42. People who try to control me or others annoy me.____ 43. I am pleased by unexpected and spontaneous expressions of care.____ 44. I feel important when someone looks me in the eye and listens to me

without distractions.____ 45. I am grateful when people commend me for a positive characteristic I

exhibit.

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____ 46. I dont like to be alone when experiencing hurt and trouble; it is importantfor me to have a companion who will be with me.

____ 47. I dont enjoy working on a project by myself; I prefer to have a partneron important projects.

____ 48. It is important for me to know I am part of the group.____ 49. I respond to someone who tries to understand me emotionally and who

shows me caring concern.____ 50. When working on a project, I would rather work with a team of people

than by myself.

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Identifying Your Top Needs Form1. Add up your responses to statements: 6. Add up your responses to statements:

1 ______ 5 ______

19 ______ 13 ______

36 ______ 23 ______

38 ______ 31 ______

48 ______ 43 ______

Total _________ Total ________

These responses relate toAcceptance. These responses relate toAffection.

2. Add up your responses to statements: 7. Add up your responses to statements:

2 ______ 6 ______

17 ______ 12 ______ 35 ______ 24 ______

37 ______ 30 ______

39 ______ 44 ______

Total _________ Total ________

These responses relate to Security. These responses relate toAttention.


18 ______ 7 ______

20 ______ 11 ______

25 ______ 16 ______

34 ______ 29 ______

40 ______ 45 ______

Total _________ Total ________

These responses relate toAppreciation. These responses relate toApproval.


3 ______ 10 ______

15 ______ 26 ______

21 ______ 28 ______

33 ______ 46 ______

41 ______ 49 ______

Total _________ Total ________

These responses relate to Encouragement. These responses relate to Comfort.

5 Add up your responses to statements: 10. Add up your responses to statements:

4 ______ 8 ______

14 ______ 9 ______

22 ______ 27 ______

32 ______ 47 ______

42 ______ 50 ______

Total _________ Total ________

These responses relate to Respect. These responses relate to Support.

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1. What were your three highest totals? Which needs do they represent?____________________ ____________________ ____________________

2. What were your three lowest totals? Which needs do they represent?____________________ ____________________ ____________________

Pause and Reflect: Share with a partner or enrichment group:As you have considered your high-priority needs, what surprises have you found?What high-priority needs from the questionnaire would you have not anticipated?What low-priority needs are surprising?

Considering my highest three needs I am somewhat surprised by:____________________________________________________.

Considering my lowest three needs I am somewhat surprised by:____________________________________________________.

Considering the three needs I guessed from page 60, I am somewhat surprised by:

____________________________________________________.

Next, we will explore four of the most common factors that tend to drive ourhigh-priority needs, i.e., Why do some people tend to need more security andencouragement, while others tend to need more respect and appreciation? The fourfactors we will explore relate to:

1. How God has made us.2. Our current life situation3. How needs were abundantly met in childhood.

4. How needs were missed in childhood.

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1. HOWGODHASMADEUS ASUNIQUEINDIVIDUALSHELP

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