THEPENELOPIAD 1

Selectionsfrom

THEPENELOPIAD

ByMargaretAtwood

MY CHILDHOOD

WhereshallIbegin?Thereareonlytwochoices:atthebeginningornotatthe

beginning.Therealbeginningwouldbethebeginningoftheworld,afterwhichone

thinghasledtoanother;butsincetherearedifferencesofopinionaboutthat,I'll

beginwithmyownbirth.

MyfatherwasKingIcariusofSparta.MymotherwasaNaiad.Daughtersof

Naiadswereadimeadozeninthosedays;theplacewascrawlingwiththem.

Nevertheless,itneverhurtstobeofsemidivinebirth.Oritneverhurtsimmediately.

WhenIwasquiteyoungmyfatherorderedmetobethrownintothesea.I

neverknewexactlywhy,duringmylifetime,butnowIsuspecthe'dbeentoldbyan

oraclethatIwouldweavehisshroud.Possiblyhethoughtthatifhekilledmefirst,

hisshroudwouldneverbewovenandhewouldliveforever.Icanseehowthe

reasoningmighthavegone.Inthatcase,hiswishtodrownmecamefroman

understandabledesiretoprotecthimself.Buthemusthavemisheard,orelsethe

oracleherselfmisheard–thegodsoftenmumble–becauseitwasnothisshroud

thatwasatissue,butmyfather‐in‐law'sshroud.Ifthatwastheprophecyitwasa

2 THEPENELOPIAD

trueone,andindeedtheweavingofthisparticularshroudprovedagreat

conveniencetomelateroninmylife.

Theteachingofcraftstogirlshasfallenoutoffashionnow,Iunderstand,but

luckilyithadnotinmyday.It'salwaysanadvantagetohavesomethingtodowith

yourhands.Thatway,ifsomeonemakesaninappropriateremark,youcanpretend

youhaven'theardit.Thenyoudon'thavetoanswer.

Butperhapsthisshroud‐weavingoracleideaofmineisbaseless.PerhapsI

haveonlyinventeditinordertomakemyselffeelbetter.Somuchwhisperinggoes

on,inthedarkcaverns,inthemeadows,thatsometimesit'shardtoknowwhether

thewhisperingiscomingfromothersorfromtheinsideofyourownhead.Iusehead

figuratively.Wehavedispensedwithheadsassuch,downhere.

Nomatter–intotheseaIwasthrown.DoIrememberthewavesclosingover

me,doIrememberthebreathleavingmylungsandthesoundofbellspeoplesay

thedrowninghear?Notintheleast.ButIwastoldthestory:thereisalwayssome

servantorslaveoroldnurseorbusybodyreadytoregaleachildwiththeawful

thingsdonetoitbyitsparentswhenitwastooyoungtoremember.Hearingthis

discouraginganecdotedidnotimprovemyrelationswithmyfather.Itistothis

episode–orrather,tomyknowledgeofit–thatIattributemyreserve,aswellas

mymistrustofotherpeople'sintentions.

ItwasstupidofIcariustotrytodrownthedaughterofaNaiad,however.

Waterisourelement,itisourbirthright.Althoughwearenotsuchgoodswimmers

asourmothers,wedohaveawayoffloating,andwe'rewellconnectedamongthe

fishandseabirds.Aflockofpurple‐stripedduckscametomyrescueandtowedme

ashore.Afteranomenlikethat,whatcouldmyfatherdo?Hetookmeback,and

renamedme–duckwasmynewnickname.Nodoubthefeltguiltyaboutwhathe'd

almostdone:hebecame,ifanything,rathertooaffectionatetowardsme.

Ifoundthisaffectiondifficulttoreciprocate.Youcanimagine.ThereIwould

be,strollinghandinhandwithmyapparentlyfondmaleparentalongacliffedgeor

ariverbankoraparapet,andthethoughtwouldoccurtomethathemight

THEPENELOPIAD 3

suddenlydecidetoshovemeoverorbashmetodeathwitharock.Preservinga

calmfacadeunderthesecircumstanceswasachallenge.AftersuchexcursionsI

wouldretiretomyroomanddissolveinfloodsoftears.(Excessiveweeping,Imight

aswelltellyounow,isahandicapoftheNaiad‐born.Ispentatleastaquarterofmy

earthlylifecryingmyeyesout.Fortunatelyinmytimetherewereveils.Theywerea

practicalhelpfordisguisingred,puffyeyes.)

Mymother,likeallNaiads,wasbeautiful,butchillyatheart.Shehadwaving

hairanddimples,andripplinglaughter.Shewaselusive.WhenIwaslittleIoften

triedtothrowmyarmsaroundher,butshehadahabitofslidingaway.Iliketo

thinkthatshemayhavebeenresponsibleforcallingupthatflockofducks,but

probablyshewasn't:shepreferredswimmingintherivertothecareofsmall

children,andIoftenslippedhermind.Ifmyfatherhadn'thadmethrownintothe

seashemighthavedroppedmeinherself,inafitofabsent‐mindednessorirritation.

Shehadashortattentionspanandrapidlychangingemotions.

YoucanseebywhatI'vetoldyouthatIwasachildwholearnedearlythe

virtues–ifsuchtheyare–ofself‐sufficiency.IknewthatIwouldhavetolookout

formyselfintheworld.Icouldhardlycountonfamilysupport.

4 THEPENELOPIAD

ASPHODEL

It'sdarkhere,asmanyhaveremarked.'DarkDeath',theyusedtosay.'Thegloomy

hallsofHades',andsoforth.Well,yes,itisdark,butthereareadvantages–for

instance,ifyouseesomeoneyou'drathernotspeaktoyoucanalwayspretendyou

haven'trecognizedthem.Thereareofcoursethefieldsofasphodel.Youcanwalk

aroundinthemifyouwant.It'sbrighter'there,andacertainamountofvapid

dancinggoeson,thoughtheregionsoundsbetterthanitis–thefieldsofasphodel

hasapoeticlilttoit.Butjustconsider.Asphodel,asphodel,asphodel–pretty

enoughwhiteflowers,butapersongetstiredofthemafterawhile,Itwouldhave

beenbettertosupplysomevariety–anassortmentofcolors,afewwindingpaths

andvistasandstonebenchesandfountains.Iwouldhavepreferredtheodd

hyacinth,atleast,andwouldasprinklingofcrocuseshavebeentoomuchtoexpect?

Thoughwenevergetspringhere,oranyotherseasons.Youdohavetowonderwho

designedtheplace.

HaveImentionedthefactthatthere'snothingtoeatexceptasphodel?

ButIshouldn'tcomplain.

Thedarkergrottoesaremoreinteresting–theconversationthereisbetter,if

youcanfindaminorrascalofsomesort–apickpocket,astockbroker,asmall‐time

pimp.Likealotofgoody‐goodygirls,Iwasalwayssecretlyattractedtomenofthat

kind.

Idon'tfrequentthereallydeeplevelsmuch,though.That'swherethe

punishmentsaredealtouttothetrulyvillainous,thosewhowerenotsufficiently

punishedwhilealive.It'shardtoputupwiththescreams.Thetortureismental

torture,however,sincewedon'thavebodiesanymore.Whatthegodsreallylikeis

toconjureupbanquets–bigplattersofmeat,heapsofbread,bunchesofgrapes–

andthensnatchthemaway.Makingpeoplerollheavystonesupsteephillsis

THEPENELOPIAD 5

anotheroftheirfavoritejests.Isometimeshaveayentogodownthere:itmight

helpmetorememberwhatitwasliketohaverealhunger,whatitwasliketohave

realfatigue.

Everyonceinawhilethefogspartandwegetaglimpseoftheworldofthe

living.It'slikerubbingtheglassonadirtywindow,makingaspacetolookthrough.

Sometimesthebarrierdissolvesandwecangoonanouting.Thenwegetvery

excited,andthereisagreat'dealofsqueaking.

Theseoutingscantakeplaceinmanyways.Onceuponatime,anyonewho

wishedtoconsultuswouldslitthethroatofasheeporcoworpigandlettheblood

flowintoatrenchintheground.We'dsmellitandmakeabeelineforthesite,like

fliestoacarcass.Therewe'dbe,chirpingandfluttering,thousandsofus,likethe

contentsofagiantwastepaperbasketcaughtinatornado,whilesomeself‐styled

heroheldusoffwithdrawnsworduntiltheonehewantedtoconsultappeared.A

fewvagueprophecieswouldbeforthcoming:welearnedtokeepthemvague.Why

telleverything?Youneededtokeepthemcomingbackformore,withothersheep,

cows,pigs,andsoforth.

Oncetherightnumberofwordshadbeenhandedovertotheherowe'dall

beallowedtodrinkfromthetrench,andIcan'tsaymuchinpraiseofthetable

mannersonsuchoccasions.Therewasalotofpushingandshoving,alotofslurping

andspilling;therewerealotofcrimsonchins.However,itwasglorioustofeelthe

bloodcoursinginournon‐existentveinsagain,ifonlyforaninstant.

Wecouldsometimesappearasdreams,thoughthatwasn'tassatisfactory.

Thentherewerethosewhogotstuckonthewrongsideoftheriverbecausethey

hadn'tbeengivenproperburials.Theywanderedaroundinaveryunhappystate,

neitherherenorthere,andtheycouldcausealotoftrouble.

Thenafterhundreds,possiblythousandsofyear–it'shardtokeeptrackof

timehere,becausewedon'thaveanyofitassuch–customschanged.Noliving

peoplewenttotheunderworldmuchanymore,andourownabodewasupstagedby

amuchmorespectacularestablishmentdowntheroad–fierypits,wailingand

6 THEPENELOPIAD

gnashingofteeth,gnawingworms,demonswithpitchforks–agreatmanyspecial

effects.

Butwewerestillcalledupoccasionallybymagiciansandconjurors–men

who'dmadepactswiththeinfernalpowers–andthenbysmallerfry,thetable‐

tilters,themediums,thechannellers,peopleofthatilk.Itwasdemeaning,allofit–

tohavetomaterializeinachalkcircleoravelvet‐upholsteredparlorjustbecause

someonewantedtogapeatyou–butitdidallowustokeepupwithwhatwas

goingonamongthestill‐alive.Iwasveryinterestedintheinventionofthelight

bulb,forinstance,andinthematter‐into‐energytheoriesofthetwentiethcentury.

Morerecently,someofushavebeenabletoinfiltratethenewethereal‐wave

systemthatnowencirclestheglobe,andtotravelaroundthatway,lookingoutat

theworldthroughtheflat,illuminatedsurfacesthatserveasdomesticshrines.

Perhapsthat'showthegodswereabletocomeandgoasquicklyastheydidback

then–theymusthavehadsomethinglikethatattheirdisposal.Inevergot

summonedmuchbythemagicians.Iwasfamous,yes–askanyone–butforsome

reasontheydidn'twanttoseeme,whereasmycousinHelenwasmuchindemand.

Itdidn'tseemfair–Iwasn'tknownfordoinganythingnotorious,especiallyofa

sexualnature,andshewasnothingifnotinfamous.Ofcourseshewasvery

beautiful.Itwasclaimedshe'dcomeoutofanegg,beingthedaughterofZeuswho'd

rapedhermotherintheformofaswan.Shewasquitestuck‐upaboutit,wasHelen.

Iwonderhowmanyofusreallybelievedthatswanrapeconcoction?Therewerea

lotofstoriesofthatkindgoingaroundthen–thegodscouldn'tseemtokeeptheir

handsorpawsorbeaksoffmortalwomen,theywerealwaysrapingsomeoneor

other.

Anyway,themagiciansinsistedonseeingHelen,andshewaswillingto

oblige.Itwaslikeareturntotheolddaystohavealotofmengawpingather.She

likedtoappearinoneofherTrojanoutfits,over‐decoratedtomytaste,but chacun à

son goût1.Shehadakindofslowtwirlshewoulddo;thenshe'dlowerherheadand

glanceupintothefaceofwhoeverhadconjuredherup,andgiveoneofher 1Peoplehavetheirownpreferences

THEPENELOPIAD 7

trademarkintimatesmiles,andtheywerehers.Orshe'dtakeontheforminwhich

shedisplayedherselftoheroutragedhusband,Menelaus,whenTroywasburning

andhewasabouttoplungehisvengefulswordintoher.Allshehadtodowasbare

oneofherpeerlessbreasts,andhewasdownonhisknees,anddroolingand

beggingtotakeherback.

Asforme...well,peopletoldmeIwasbeautiful,theyhadtotellmethat

becauseIwasaprincess,andshortlyafterthataqueen,butthetruthwasthat

althoughIwasnotdeformedorugly,Iwasnothingspecialtolookat.Iwassmart,

though:consideringthetimes,verysmart.ThatseemstobewhatIwasknownfor:

beingsmart.That,andmyweaving,andmydevotiontomyhusband,andmy

discretion.

Ifyouwereamagician,messingaroundinthedarkartsandriskingyour

soul,wouldyouwanttoconjureupaplainbutsmartwifewho'dbeengoodat

weavingandhadnevertransgressed,insteadofawomanwho'ddrivenhundredsof

menmadwithlustandhadcausedagreatcitytogoupinflames?

NeitherwouldI.

Helenwasneverpunished,notonebit.Whynot,I'dliketoknow?Otherpeoplegot

strangledbyseaserpentsanddrownedinstormsandturnedintospidersandshot

witharrowsformuchsmallercrimes.Eatingthewrongcows.Boasting.Thatsortof

thing.You'dthinkHelenmighthavegotagoodwhippingattheveryleast,afterall

theharmandsufferingshecausedtocountlessotherpeople.Butshedidn't.

NotthatImind.NotthatIminded.

Ihadotherthingsinmylifetooccupymyattention.

Which brings me to the subject of my marriage.

8 THEPENELOPIAD

MY MARRIAGE

Mymarriagewasarranged.That'sthewaythingsweredonethen:were

therewereweddings,therewerearrangements.Idon'tmeansuchthingsasbridal

outfits,flowers,banquets,andmusic,thoughwehadthosetoo.Everyonehasthose,

evennow;ThearrangementsImeanweremoredeviousthanthat.

Undertheoldrulesonlyimportantpeoplehadmarriages,becauseonly

importantpeoplehadinheritances:Alltherestwasjustcopulationofvariouskinds

–rapesorseductions,loveaffairsorone‐nightstands,withgodswhosaidtheywere

shepherdsorshepherdswhosaidtheyweregods.Occasionallyagoddessmightget

mixedupinittodabblearoundinperishablefleshlikeaqueenplayingat

milkmaids,buttherewardforthemanwasashortenedlifeandoftenaviolent

death.Immortalityandmortalitydidn'tmixwell:itwasfireandmud,onlythefire

alwayswon.

Thegodswereneveraversetomakingamess.Infacttheyenjoyedit.To

watchsomemortalwithhisorhereyesfryingintheirsocketsthroughanoverdose

ofgod‐sexmadethemshakewithlaughter.Therewassomethingchildishaboutthe

gods,inanastyway.IcansaythisnowbecauseInolongerhaveabody,I'mbeyond

thatkindofsuffering,andthegodsaren'tlisteninganyway.AsfarasIcantell

they'vegonetosleep.Inyourworld,youdon'tgetvisitationsfromthegodstheway

peopleusedtounlessyou'reondrugs.

WherewasI?Ohyes.Marriages.Marriageswereforhavingchildren,and

childrenwerenottoysandpets.Childrenwerevehiclesforpassingthingsalong.

Thesethingscouldbekingdoms,richweddinggifts,stories,grudges,bloodfeuds.

Throughchildren,allianceswereforged;throughchildren,wrongswereavenged.

Tohaveachildwastosetlooseaforceintheworld.

THEPENELOPIAD 9

Ifyouhadanenemyitwasbesttokillhissons,evenifthosesonswere

babies.Otherwisetheywouldgrowupandhuntyoudown.Ifyoucouldn'tbring

yourselftoslaughterthem,youcoulddisguisethemandsendthemfaraway,orsell

themasslaves,butaslongastheywerealivetheywouldbeadangertoyou.

Ifyouhaddaughtersinsteadofsons,youneededtogetthembredassoonas

possiblesoyoucouldhavegrandsons.Themoresword‐wieldersandspear‐

throwersyoucouldcountonfromwithinyourfamilythebetter,becauseallthe

othernoteworthymenaroundwereonthelookoutforapretexttoraidsomeking

ornobleandcarryawayanything.theycouldgrab,peopleincluded.Weaknessin

onepower‐holdermeantopportunityforanother,soeverykingandnobleneeded

allthehelphecouldget.

Thusitwentwithoutsayingthatamarriagewouldbearrangedforme

whenthetimecame.

AtthecourtofKingIcarius,myfather,theystillretainedtheancientcustomof

havingconteststoseewhoshouldmarryanoblybornwomanwhowas–soto

speak–ontheblock.Themanwhowonthecontestgotthewomanandthe

wedding,andwasthenexpectedtostayatthebride'sfather'spalaceandcontribute

hisshareofmaleoffspring.Heobtainedwealththroughthemarriage–goldcups,

silverbowls,horses,robes,weapons,allthattrashtheyusedtovaluesomuchback

whenIwasalive.Hisfamilywasexpectedtohandoveralotofthistrashaswell.

IcansaytrashbecauseIknowwheremostofitendedup.Itmolderedaway

inthegroundoritsanktothebottomofthesea,oritgotbrokenormelteddown.

Someofitmadeitswaytoenormouspalacesthathave–strangely–nokingsor

queensinthem.Endlessprocessionsofpeopleingracelessclothingfilethrough

thesepalaces,staringatthegoldcupsandthesilverbowls,whicharenotevenused

anymore.Thentheygotoasortofmarketinsidethepalaceandbuypicturesof

thesethings,orminiatureversionsofthemthatarenotrealsilverandgold.Thatis

whyIsaytrash.

10 THEPENELOPIAD

Undertheancientcustoms,thehugepileofsparklingweddinglootstayed

withthebride'sfamily,inthebride'sfamily'spalace.Perhapsthatis.whymyfather

hadbecomesoattachedtomeafterhavingfailedtodrownmeinthesea:whereI

was,therewouldbethetreasure.

(Whydidhethrowmein?Thatquestionstillhauntsme.AlthoughI'mnot

altogethersatisfiedwiththeshroud‐weavingexplanation,I'veneverbeenableto

findtherightanswer,evendownhere.EverytimeIseemyfatherinthedistance,

wadingthroughtheasphodel,andtrytocatchupwithhim,hehurriesawayasifhe

doesn'twanttofaceme.

I'vesometimesthoughtImayhavebeenasacrificetothegodofthesea,

whowasknowntobethirstyforhumanlife.Thentheducksrescuedme,through

noactofmyfather's.Isupposemyfathercouldarguethathe'dfulfilledhissideof

thebargain,ifbargainitwas,andthathehadn'tcheated,andthatifthesea‐godhad

failedtodragmedownanddevourme,thatwashisowntoughluck.

ThemoreIthinkaboutthisversionofevents,themoreIlikeit.Itmakes

sense.)

Pictureme,then,asacleverbutnotoverlybeautifulgirlofmarriageable

age,let'ssayfifteen.SupposeI'mlookingoutthewindowofmyroom–whichwas

onthesecondfloorofthepalace–downintothecourtyardwherethecontestants

aregathering:allthoseyounghopefulswhowishtocompeteformyhand.

Idon'tlookdirectlyoutofthewindow,ofcourse.Idon'tplantmyelbowson

thewindowsilllikesomehulkingmaidandstareshamelessly.No,Ipeek,from

behindmyveilandfrombehindthedrapery.Itwouldnotdotoletallthosescantily

cladyoungmenseemyunveiledface.Thepalacewomenhavedolledmeupasbest

theycan,minstrelshavecomposedsongsofpraiseinmyhonor–'radiantas

Aphrodite',andalltheusualclaptrap–butIfeelshyandmiserable.Theyoungmen

laughandjoke;theyseemateasewithoneanother;theydonotglanceup.

THEPENELOPIAD 11

Iknowitisn'tmethey'reafter,notPenelopetheDuck.It'sonlywhatcomes

withme–theroyalconnection,thepileofglitteringjunk.Nomanwilleverkill

himselfforloveofme.

Andnomaneverdid.NotthatIwouldhavewantedtoinspirethosekindsof

suicides.Iwasnotamaneater,IwasnotaSiren,IwasnotlikecousinHelenwho

lovedtomakeconquestsjusttoshowshecould.Assoonasthemanwasgroveling,

anditnevertooklong,she'dstrollawaywithoutabackwardsglance,givingthat

carelesslaughofhers,asifshe'djustbeenwatchingthepalacemidgetstanding

ridiculouslyonhishead.

Iwasakindgirl–kinderthanHelen,orsoIthought.IknewIwouldhaveto

havesomethingtoofferinsteadofbeauty.Iwasclever,everyonesaidso–infact

theysaiditsomuchthatIfounditdiscouraging–butclevernessisaqualityaman

likestohaveinhiswifeaslongassheissomedistanceawayfromhim.Upclose,

he'lltakekindnessanydayoftheweek,ifthere'snothingmorealluringtobehad.

Themostobvioushusbandformewouldhavebeenayoungersonofaking

withlargeestatesoneofKingNestor'sboys,perhaps.Thatwouldhavebeenagood

connectionforKingIcarius.Throughmyveil,Istudiedtheyoungmenmilling

arounddownbelow,tryingtofigureoutwhoeachonewasand–athingofno

practicalconsequence,sinceitwasn'tuptometochoosemyhusbandwhichoneI

preferred.

Acoupleofthemaidswerewithme–theyneverleftmeunattended,Iwasa

riskuntilIwassafelymarried,becausewhoknewwhatupstartfortunehunter

mighttrytoseducemeorseizemeandrunawaywithme?Themaidsweremy

sourcesofinformation.Theywereever‐flowingfountainsoftrivialgossip:they

couldcomeandgofreelyinthepalace,theycouldstudythemenfromallangles,

theycouldlisteninontheirconversations,theycouldlaughandjokewiththemas

muchastheypleased:noonecaredwhomightwormhiswayinbetweentheirlegs.

'Who'sthebarrel‐chestedone?'Iasked.

12 THEPENELOPIAD

'Oh,that'sonlyOdysseus,'saidoneofthemaids.Hewasnotconsidered–by

themaidsatleast–tobeaseriouscandidateformyhand.Hisfather'spalacewas

onIthaca,agoat‐strewnrock;hisclotheswererustic;hehadthemannersofa

small‐townbigshot,andhadalreadyexpressedseveralcomplicatedideasthe

othersconsideredpeculiar.Hewascleverthough,theysaid.Infacthewastoo

cleverforhisowngood.Theotheryoungmenmadejokesabouthim–'Don't

gamblewithOdysseus,thefriendofHermes,'theysaid.'You'llneverwin.'Thiswas

likesayinghewasacheatandathief.HisgrandfatherAutolycuswaswellknownfor

theseveryqualities,andwasreputednevertohavewonanythingfairlyinhislife.

'Iwonderhowfasthecanrun,'Isaid.Insomekingdomsthecontestfor

brideswasawrestlingmatch,inothersachariotrace,butwithusitwasjust

running.

'Notveryfast,onthoseshortlegsofhis,'saidonemaidunkindly.Andindeed

thelegsofOdysseuswerequiteshortinrelationtohisbody.Itwasallrightwhen

hewassittingdown,youdidn'tnotice,butstandinguphelookedtop‐heavy.

'Notfastenoughtocatchyou,'saidanotherofthemaids.'Youwouldn'twant

towakeupinthemorningandfindyourselfinbedwithyourhusbandandaherdof

Apollo'scows.'ThiswasajokeaboutHermes,whosefirstactofthieveryontheday

hewasborninvolvedanaudaciouscattleraid.'Notunlessoneofthemwasabull,'

saidanother.'Orelseagoat,'saidathird.'Abigstrongram!Ibetouryoungduck

wouldlikethat!She'dbebleatingsoonenough!''Iwouldn'tmindoneofthatkind

myself,'saidafourth.'Betteraramthanthebabyfingersyougetaroundhere.'They

allbeganlaughing,holdingtheirhandsovertheirmouthsandsnortingwithmirth.

Iwasmortified.Ididn'tunderstandthecoarserkindsofjokes,notyet,soI

didn'tknowexactlywhytheywerelaughing,thoughIunderstoodthattheir

laughterwasatmyexpense.ButIhadnowayofmakingthemstop.

***

THEPENELOPIAD 13

AtthismomentmycousinHelencamesailingup,likethelong‐neckedswanshe

fanciedherselftobe.Shehadadistinctiveswayingwalkandshewasexaggerating

it.Althoughminewasthemarriageinquestion,shewantedalltheattentionfor

herself.Shewasasbeautifulasusual,indeedmoreso:shewasintolerablybeautiful.

Shewasdressedtoperfection:Menelaus,herhusband,alwaysmadesureofthat,

andhewasrichasstinksohecouldaffordit.Shetiltedherfacetowardsme,looking

atmewhimsicallyasifshewereflirting.Isuspectsheusedtoflirtwithherdog,

withhermirror,withhercomb,withherbedpost.Sheneededtokeepinpractice.

'IthinkOdysseuswouldmakeaverysuitablehusbandforourlittleduckie,'

shesaid.'Shelikesthequietlife,andshe'llcertainlyhavethatifhetakesherto

Ithaca,ashe'sboastingofdoing.Shecanhelphimlookafterhisgoats.Sheand

Odysseusaretwoofakind.Theybothhavesuchshortlegs.'Shesaidthislightly,

butherlightestsayingswereoftenhercruelest.Whyisitthatreallybeautiful

peoplethinkeveryoneelseintheworldexistsmerelyfortheiramusement?

Themaidssniggered.Iwascrushed.Ihadnotthoughtmylegswerequite

thatshort,andIcertainlyhadn'tthoughtHelenwouldnoticethem.Butnotmuch

escapedherwhenitcametoassessingthephysicalgracesanddefectsofothers.

ThatwaswhatgotherintotroublewithParis,laterhewassomuchbetterlooking

thanMenelaus,whowaslumpishandred‐haired.Thebestthatwasclaimedof

Menelaus,oncetheystartedputtinghimintothepoems,wasthathehadaveryloud

voice.

ThemaidsalllookedatmetoseewhatIwouldsay.ButHelenhadawayof

leavingpeoplespeechless,andIwasnoexception.

'Nevermind,littlecousin,'shesaidtome,pattingmeonthearm.'Theysay

he'sveryclever.Andyou'reveryclevertoo,theytellme.Soyou'llbeableto

understandwhathesays.Icertainlynevercould!Itwasluckyforbothofusthathe

didn'twinme!'

Shegavethepatronizingsmirkofsomeonewho'shadfirstchanceataless

thandeliciouspieceofsausagebuthasfastidiouslyrejectedit.Indeed,Odysseus

14 THEPENELOPIAD

hadbeenamongthesuitorsforherhand,andlikeeveryothermanonearthhe'd

desperatelywantedtowinher.Nowhewascompetingforwhatwasatbestonly

secondprize.

Helenstrolledaway,havingdeliveredhersting.Themaidsbegan

discussinghersplendidnecklace,herscintillatingearrings,herperfectnose,her

eleganthairstyle,herluminouseyes,thetastefullywovenborderofhershining

robe.ItwasasifIwasn'tthere.Anditwasmyweddingday.

Allofthiswasastrainonthenerves.Istartedtocry,asIwoulddosooften

inthefuture,andwastakentoliedownonmybed.

ThusImissedtheraceitselfOdysseuswonit.Hecheated,asIlaterlearned.My

father'sbrother,UncleTyndareus,fatherofHelen–though,asI've'toldyou,some

saidthatZeuswasherrealfather–helpedhimtodoit.Hemixedthewineofthe

othercontestantswithadrugthatslowedthemdown,thoughnotsomuchasthey

wouldnotice;toOdysseushegaveapotionthathadtheoppositeeffect.I

understandthatthissortofthinghasbecomeatradition,andisstillpracticedinthe

worldofthelivingwhenitcomestoathleticcontests.

WhydidUncleTyndareushelpmyfuturehusbandinthisway?Theywere

neitherfriendsnorallies.WhatdidTyndareusstandtogain?Myunclewouldnot

havehelpedanyone–believeme–simplyoutofthegoodnessofhisheart,a

commoditythatwasinshortsupply.

OnestoryhasitthatIwasthepaymentforaserviceOdysseushadrendered

toTyndareus.WhentheywereallcompetingforHelenandthingsweregetting

moreandmoreangry,Odysseusmadeeachcontestantswearanoaththatwhoever

wonHelenmustbedefendedbyalloftheothersifanyothermantriedtotakeher

awayfromthewinner.Inthatwayhecalmedthingsdownandallowedthematch

withMenelaustoproceedsmoothly.Hemusthaveknownhehadnohopehimself.It

wasthen–sotherumorgoes–thathestruckthebargainwithTyndareus:inreturn

THEPENELOPIAD 15

forassuringapeacefulandveryprofitableweddingfortheradiantHelen,Odysseus

wouldgetplain‐JanePenelope.

ButIhaveanotheridea,andhereitis.Tyndareusandmyfather,Icarius,

werebothkingsofSparta.Theyweresupposedtorulealternately,oneforayear

andtheotherthenext,turnandturnabout.ButTyndareuswantedthethronefor

himselfalone,andindeedhelatergotit.Itwouldstandtoreasonthathe'dsounded

outthevarioussuitorsontheirprospectsandtheirplans,andhadlearnedthat

Odysseussharedthenewfangledideathatthewifeshouldgotothehusband's

familyratherthantheotherwayaround.ItwouldsuitTyndareusfineifIcouldbe

sentfaraway,meandanysonsImightbear.Thatwaytherewouldbefewerto

cometotheaidofIcariusintheeventofanopenconflict.

Whateverwasbehindit,Odysseuscheatedandwontherace.IsawHelen

smilingmaliciouslyasshewatchedthemarriagerites.ShethoughtIwasbeing

pawnedoffonanuncouthdoltwhowouldhaulmeofftoadrearybackwater,and

shewasnotdispleased.She'dprobablyknownwellbeforehandthatthefixwasin.

Asforme,Ihadtroublemakingitthroughtheceremony–thesacrificesof

animals,theofferingstothegods,thelustralsprinklings,thelibations,theprayers,

theinterminablesongs.Ifeltquitedizzy.Ikeptmyeyesdowncast,soallIcouldsee

ofOdysseuswasthelowerpartofhisbody.Shortlegs,Ikeptthinking,evenatthe

mostsolemnmoments.Thiswasnotanappropriatethoughtitwastrivialandsilly,

anditmademewanttogiggle–butinmyowndefenseImustpointoutthatIwas

onlyfifteen.

16 THEPENELOPIAD

THE SCAR

AndsoIwashandedovertoOdysseus,likeapackageofmeat.Apackageofmeatin

awrappingofgold,mindyou.Asortofgildedbloodpudding.

Butperhapsthatistoocrudeasimileforyou.

Letmeaddthatmeatwashighlyvaluedamongus–thearistocracyatelotsof

it,meat,meat,meat,andalltheyeverdidwasroastit:ourswasnotanageofhaute

cuisine.Oh,Iforgot:therewasalsobread,flatbreadthatis,bread,bread,bread,and

wine,wine,wine.Wedidhavetheoddfruitorvegetable,butyou'veprobablynever

heardofthesebecausenooneputthemintothesongsmuch.

Thegodswantedmeatasmuchaswedid,butalltheyevergotfromuswas

thebonesandfat,thankstoabitofrudimentarysleightofhandbyPrometheus:

onlyanidiotwouldhavebeendeceivedbyabagofbadcowpartsdisguisedasgood

ones,andZeuswasdeceived;whichgoestoshowthatthegodswerenotalwaysas

intelligentastheywantedustobelieve.

IcansaythisnowbecauseI'mdead.Iwouldn'thavedaredtosayitearlier.

Youcouldnevertellwhenoneofthegodsmightbelistening,disguisedasabeggar

oranoldfriendorastranger.It'struethatIsometimesdoubtedtheirexistence,

thesegods.ButduringmylifetimeIconsidereditprudentnottotakeanyrisks.

Therewaslotsofeverythingatmyweddingfeast–greatglisteninghunksofmeat,

greatwadsoffragrantbread,greatflagonsofmellowwine.Itwasamazingthatthe

guestsdidn'tburstonthespot,theystuffedthemselvessofull.Nothinghelpsglut‐

tonyalongsowellaseatingfoodyoudon'thavetopayforyourself,asIlearned

fromlaterexperience.

Weatewithourhandsinthosedays.Therewasalotofgnawingandsome

heavy‐dutychewing,butitwasbetterthatway–nosharputensilsthatcouldbe

THEPENELOPIAD 17

snatchedupandplungedintoafellowguestwhomighthaveannoyedyou.Atany

weddingprecededbyacontesttherewereboundtobeafewsorelosers;butno

unsuccessfulsuitorlosthistemperatmyfeast.Itwasmoreasifthey'dfailedtowin

anauctionforahorse.

Thewinewasmixedtoostrong,sothereweremanyfuddledheads.Evenmy

father,KingIcarius,gotquitedrunk.Hesuspectedhe'dhadatrickplayedonhimby

TyndareusandOdysseus;hewasalmostsurethey'dcheated,buthecouldn'tfigure

outhowthey'ddoneit,andthismadehimangry,andwhenhewasangryhedrank

evenmore,anddroppedinsultingcommentsaboutpeople'sgrandparents.Buthe

wasaking,sotherewerenoduels.

Odysseushimselfdidnotgetdrunk.Hehadawayofappearingtodrinkalot

withoutactuallydoingit.Hetoldmelaterthatifamanlivesbyhiswits,ashedid,he

needstohavethosewitsalwaysathandandkeptsharp,likeaxesorswords.Only

fools,hesaid,weregiventobraggingabouthowmuchtheycoulddrink.Itwas

boundtoleadtoswillingcompetitions,andthentoinattentionandthelossofone's

powers,andthatwouldbewhenyourenemywouldstrike.

Asforme,Icouldn'teatathing.Iwastoonervous.Isatthereshroudedinmy

bridalveil,hardlydaringtoglanceatOdysseus.Iwascertainhewouldbe

disappointedinmeoncehe'dliftedthatveilandmadehiswayinthroughthecloak

andthegirdleandtheshimmeringrobeinwhichI'dbeendeckedout.Buthewasn't

lookingatme,andneitherwasanyoneelse.TheywereallstaringatHelen,whowas

dispensingdazzlingsmilesrightandleft,notmissingasingleman.Shehadawayof

smilingthatmadeeachoneofthemfeelthatsecretlyshewasinlovewithhimalone.

IsupposeitwasluckythatHelenwasdistractingeveryone'sattention,

becauseitkeptthemfromnoticingmeandmytremblingandawkwardness.Iwasn't

justnervous,Iwasreallyafraid.Themaidshadbeenfillingmyearswithtalesabout

howonceIwasinthebridalchamber–Iwouldbetornapartastheearthisbythe

plough,andhowpainfulandhumiliatingthatwouldbe.

18 THEPENELOPIAD

Asformymother,she'dstoppedswimmingaroundlikeaporpoiselong

enoughtoattendmywedding,forwhichIwaslessgratefulthanIoughttohave

been.Thereshesatonherthronebesidemyfather,robedincoolblue,asmall

puddlegatheringatherfeet.Shedidmakealittlespeechtomeasthemaidswere

changingmycostumeyetagain,butIdidn'tconsiderittobeahelpfuloneatthe

time.Itwasnothingifnotoblique;butthen,allNaiadsareoblique.

Hereiswhatshesaid:

Waterdoesnotresist.Waterflows.Whenyouplungeyourhandintoit,allyoufeelisacaress.Waterisnotasolidwall,itwillnotstopyou.Butwateralwaysgoeswhereitwantstogo,andnothingintheendcanstandagainstit.Waterispatient.Drippingwaterwearsawayastone.Rememberthat,mychild.Rememberyouarehalfwater.Ifyoucan'tgothroughanobstacle,goaroundit.Waterdoes.

Aftertheceremoniesandthefeasting,therewastheusualprocessiontothebridal

chamber,withtheusualtorchesandvulgarjokesanddrunkenyelling.Thebedhad

beengarlanded,thethresholdsprinkled,thelibationspoured.Thegatekeeperhad

beenpostedtokeepthebridefromrushingoutinhorror,andtostopherfriends

frombreakingdownthedoorandrescuingherwhentheyheardherscream.Allof

thiswasplay‐acting:thefictionwasthatthebridehadbeenstolen,andtheconsum‐

mationofamarriagewassupposedtobeasanctionedrape.Itwassupposedtobea

conquest,atramplingofafoe,amockkilling.Therewassupposedtobeblood.

Oncethedoorhadbeenclosed,Odysseustookmebythehandandsatme

downonthebed.'Forgeteverythingyou'vebeentold,'hewhispered.'I'mnotgoing

tohurtyou,ornotverymuch.Butitwouldhelpusbothifyoucouldpretend.I've

beentoldyou'reaclevergirl.Doyouthinkyoucouldmanageafewscreams?That

willsatisfythemthey'relisteningatthedoor–andthenthey'llleaveusinpeaceand

wecantakeourtimetobecomefriends.'

Thiswasoneofhisgreatsecretsasapersuader–hecouldconvinceanotherperson

thatthetwoofthemtogetherfacedacommonobstacle,andthattheyneededtojoinforces

inordertoovercomeit.Hecoulddrawalmostanylistenerintoacollaboration,alittle

THEPENELOPIAD 19

conspiracyofhisownmaking.Nobodycoulddothisbetterthanhe:foronce,thestories

don'tlie.Andhehadawonderfulvoiceaswell,deepandsonorous.SoofcourseIdidashe

asked.

SomewhatlaterIfoundthatOdysseuswasnotoneofthosemenwho,aftertheact,

simplyrolloverandbegintosnore.NotthatIamawareofthiscommonmalehabit

throughmyownexperience;butasI'vesaid,Ilistenedalottothemaids.No,

Odysseuswantedtotalk,andashewasanexcellentraconteurIwashappyto

listen.Ithinkthisiswhathevaluedmostinme:myabilitytoappreciatehisstories.

It'sanunderratedtalentinwomen.

I'dhadoccasiontonoticethelongscaronhisthigh,andsoheproceededto

tellmethestoryofhowhegotit.AsI'vealreadymentioned,hisgrandfatherwas

Autolycus,whoclaimedthegodHermeswashisfather.Thatmayhavebeenawayof

sayingthathewasacraftyoldthief,cheat,andliar,andthatluckhadfavoredhimin

thesekindsofactivities.

AutolycuswasthefatherofOdysseus'smother,Anticleia,who'dmarried

KingLaertesofIthacaandwasthereforenowmymother‐in‐law.Therewasa

slanderousitemgoingaroundaboutAnticleia–thatshe'dbeenseducedby

Sisyphus,whowasthetruefatherofOdysseus–butIfounditdifficulttobelieve,as

whowouldwanttoseduceAnticleia?Itwouldbelikeseducingaprow.Butletthe

talestand,forthemoment.

SisyphuswasamansotrickyhewassaidtohavecheatedDeathtwice:once

byfoolingKingHadesintoputtingonhandcuffsthatSisyphusrefusedtounlock,

oncebytalkingPersephoneintolettinghimoutoftheunderworldbecausehe

hadn'tbeenproperlyburied,andthusdidn'tbelongonthedeadsideoftheRiver

Styx.SoifweadmittherumoraboutAnticleia'sinfidelity,Odysseushadcraftyand

unscrupulousmenontwoofthemainbranchesofhisfamilytree.

Whateverthetruthofthis,hisgrandfatherAutolycus–who'dnamedhim–

invitedOdysseustoMountParnassustocollectthegiftspromisedhimathisbirth.

Odysseusdidpaythevisit,duringwhichhewentboarhuntingwiththesonsof

20 THEPENELOPIAD

Autolycus.Itwasaparticularlyferociousboarthathadgoredhiminthethighand

givenhimthescar.

TherewassomethinginthewayOdysseustoldthestorythatmademe

suspecttherewasmoretoit.WhyhadtheboarsavagedOdysseus,butnotthe

others?Hadtheyknownwheretheboarwashidingout,hadtheyledhimintoa

trap?WasOdysseusmeanttodiesothatAutolycusthecheatwouldn'thavetohand

overthegiftsheowed?Perhaps.

Ilikedtothinkso.IlikedtothinkIhadsomethingincommonwithmy

husband:bothofushadalmostbeendestroyedinouryouthbyfamilymembers.All

themorereasonthatweshouldsticktogetherandnotbetooquicktotrustothers.

Inreturnforhisstoryaboutthescar,ItoldOdysseusmyownstoryabout

almostdrowningandbeingrescuedbyducks.Hewasinterestedinit,andaskedme

questionsaboutit,andwassympathetic–everythingyouwouldwishalistenerto

be.'Mypoorduckling,'hesaid,strokingme.'Don'tworry.Iwouldneverthrowsuch

apreciousgirlintotheocean.'AtwhichpointIdidsomemoreweeping,andwas

comfortedinwaysthatweresuitableforaweddingnight.

Sobythetimethemorningcame,OdysseusandIwereindeedfriends,as

Odysseushadpromisedwewouldbe.Orletmeputitanotherway:Imyselfhad

developedfriendlyfeelingstowardshim–morethanthat,lovingandpassionate

ones–andhebehavedasifhereciprocatedthem.Whichisnotquitethesamething.

Aftersomedayshadpassed,Odysseusannouncedhisintentionoftakingme

andmydowrybackwithhimtoIthaca.Myfatherwasannoyedbythis–hewanted

theoldcustomskept,hesaid,whichmeantthathewantedbothofusandournewly

gainedwealthrightthereunderhisthumb.ButwehadthesupportofUncle

Tyndareus,whoseson‐in‐lawwasHelen'shusband,thepowerfulMenelaus,so

Icariushadtobackdown.

You'veprobablyheardthatmyfatherranafterourdepartingchariot,

beggingmetostaywithhim,andthatOdysseusaskedmeifIwasgoingtoIthaca

withhimofmyownfreewillordidIprefertoremainwithmyfather?It'ssaidthat

THEPENELOPIAD 21

inanswerIpulleddownmyveil,beingtoomodesttoproclaiminwordsmydesire

formyhusband,andthatastatuewaslatererectedofmeintributetothevirtueof

Modesty.

There'ssometruthtothisstory.ButIpulleddownmyveiltohidethefact

thatIwaslaughing.Youhavetoadmittherewassomethinghumorousabouta

fatherwho'doncetossedhisownchildintotheseacaperingdowntheroadafter

thatverychildandcalling,'Staywithme!'

Ididn'tfeellikestaying.Atthatmoment,Icouldhardlywaittogetawayfrom

theSpartancourt.Ihadn'tbeenveryhappythere,andIlongedtobeginanewlife.

(Fromthispointinthetext,PenelopedescribesherjourneytoIthaka,thebirthofherson

Telemachus,thestartoftheTrojanwar(“HelenRuinsMyLife”),theyearsofwaiting,the

arrivalofthesuitors,andhertrickofweavingtheshroudforLaertes.Thisnextchapter

dealswithadream,sentbyAthena,inwhichhersisterIphthimetellsPenelopethat

TelemachuswillreturnsafelyfromhisjourneytoPylosandSparta.)

22 THEPENELOPIAD

BADDREAMS

Nowbegantheworstperiodofmyordeal.IcriedsomuchIthoughtIwouldturn

intoariverorafountain,asintheoldtales.NomatterhowmuchIprayedand

offeredupsacrificesandwatchedforomens,myhusbandstilldidn'treturn.Toadd

tomymisery,Telemachuswasnowofanagetostartorderingmearound.I'drun

thepalaceaffairsalmostsingle‐handedlyfortwentyyears,butnowhewantedto

asser!hisauthorityasthesonofOdysseusandtakeoverthereins.Hestarted

makingscenesinthehall,standinguptotheSuitorsinarashwaythatIwascertain

wasgoingtogethimkilled.Hewasboundtoembarkonsomefoolhardyadventure

orother,asyoungmenwill.

Sureenough,hesnuckoffinashiptogochasingaroundlookingfornewsof

hisfather,withoutevensomuchasconsultingme.Itwasaterribleinsult,butI

couldn'tdwellonthatpartofit,becausemyfavoritemaidsbroughtmethenews

thattheSuitors,havinglearnedofmyson'sdaringescapade,weresendingashipof

theirowntolieinwaitforhimandambushhimandkillhimonhisreturnvoyage.

It'struethattheheraldMedonrevealedthisplottomeaswell,justasthe

songsrelate.ButIalreadyknewaboutitfromthemaids.Ihadtoappeartobe

surprised,however,becauseotherwiseMedon–whowasneitherononesidenor

theother–wouldhaveknownIhadmyownsourcesofinformation.

Well,naturally,Istaggeredaroundandfellontothethresholdandcriedand

wailed,andallofmymaids–mytwelvefavorites,andtherestofthem–joinedin

mylamentations.Ireproachedthemallfornothavingtoldmeofmyson's

departure,andfornotstoppinghim,untilthatinterferingoldbiddyEurycleia

confessedthatshealonehadaidedandabettedhim.Theonlyreasonthetwoof

themhadn'ttoldme,shesaid,wasthattheyhadn'twantedmetofret.Butallwould

comeoutfineintheend,sheadded,becausethegodswerejust.

THEPENELOPIAD 23

IrefrainedfromsayingI'dseenscantevidenceofthatsofar.

Whenthingsgettoodismal,andafterI'vedoneasmuchweepingaspossible

withoutturningmyselfintoapond,Ihavealways–fortunately–beenabletogoto

sleep.AndwhenIsleep,Idream.Ihadawholerunofdreamsthatnight,dreams

thathavenotbeenrecorded,forInevertoldthemtoalivingsoul.Inone,Odysseus

washavinghisheadbashedinandhisbrainseatenbytheCyclops;inanother,he

wasleapingintothewaterfromhisshipandswimmingtowardstheSirens,who

weresingingwithravishingsweetness,justlikemymaids,butwerealready

stretchingouttheirbirds'clawstotearhimapart;inyetanother,hewasmaking

lovewithabeautifulgoddess,andenjoyingitverymuch.Thenthegoddessturned

intoHelen;shewaslookingatmeoverthebareshoulderofmyhusbandwitha

maliciouslittlesmirk.Thislastwassuchanightmarethatitwokemeup,andI

prayedthatitwasafalsedreamsentfromthecaveofMorpheusthroughthegateof

ivory,notatrueonesentthroughthegateofhorn.

Iwentbacktosleep,andatlastmanagedacomfortingdream.ThisoneIdid

relate;perhapsyouhaveheardofit.MysisterIphthime–whowassomucholder

thanIwasthatIhardlyknewher,andwhohadmarriedandmovedfaraway–came

intomyroomandstoodbymybed,andtoldmeshehadbeensentbyAthena

herself,becausethegodsdidn'twantmetosuffer.Hermessagewasthat

Telemachuswouldreturnsafely.

ButwhenIquestionedheraboutOdysseus–washealiveordead?–she

refusedtoanswer,andslippedaway.

Somuchforthegodsnotwantingmetosuffer.Theyalltease.Imightaswell

havebeenastraydog,peltedwithstonesorwithitstailsetalightfortheir

amusement.Notthefatandbonesofanimals,butoursuffering,iswhattheyloveto

savor.

24 THEPENELOPIAD

(PenelopesoonhearsnewsfromTelemachusabouthisjourneytoSpartaandhis

meetingwithHelen.Then,inthenextchapter,Odysseushimselffinallyreturns)

YELPOFJOY

Whoistosaythatprayershaveanyeffect?Ontheotherhand,whoistosaythey

don't?Ipicturethegods,diddlingaroundonOlympus,wallowinginthenectarand

ambrosiaandthearomaofburningbonesandfat,mischievousasapackoften‐

year‐oldswithasickcattoplaywithandalotoftimeontheirhands.'Whichprayer

shallweanswertoday?'theyaskoneanother.'Let'scastdice!Hopeforthisone,

despairforthatone,andwhilewe'reatit,let'sdestroythelifeofthatwomanover

therebyhavingsexwithherintheformofacrayfish!'Ithinktheypullalotoftheir

pranksbecausethey'rebored.

Twentyyearsofmyprayershadgoneunanswered.But,finally,notthisone.

NosoonerhadIperformedthefamiliarritualandshedthefamiliartearsthan

Odysseushimselfshambledintothecourtyard.

Theshamblingwaspartofadisguise,naturally.Iwouldhaveexpectedno

lessofhim.Evidentlyhe'dappraisedthesituationinthepalace–theSuitors,their

wastingofhisestates,theirmurderousintentionstowardsTelemachus,theirappro‐

priationofthesexualservicesofhismaids,andtheirintendedwife‐grab–and

wiselyconcludedthatheshouldn'tsimplymarchinandannouncethathewas

Odysseus,andorderthemtovacatethepremises.Ifhe'dtriedthathe'dhavebeena

deadmanwithinminutes.

Sohewasdressedasadirtyoldbeggar.Hecouldcountonthefactthatmost

oftheSuitorshadnoideawhathelookedlike,havingbeentooyoungornoteven

bornwhenhe'dsailedaway.Hisdisguisewaswellenoughdone–Ihopedthe

wrinklesandbaldnesswerepartoftheact,andnotreal–butassoonasIsawthat

THEPENELOPIAD 25

barrelchestandthoseshortlegsIhadadeepsuspicion,whichbecameacertainty

whenIheardhe'dbrokentheneckofabelligerentfellowpanhandler.Thatwashis

style:stealthywhennecessary,true,buthewasneveragainstthedirectassault

methodwhenhewascertainhecouldwin.

Ididn'tletonIknew:Itwouldhavebeendangerousforhim.Also,ifaman

takesprideinhisdisguisingskills,itwouldbeafoolishwifewhowouldclaimto

recognizehim:it'salwaysanimprudencetostepbetweenamanandthereflection

ofhisowncleverness.

Telemachuswasinonthedeception:Icouldseethataswell.Hewasby

natureaspinneroffalsehoodslikehisfather,buthewasnotyetverygoodatit.

Whenheintroducedthesupposedbeggartome,hisshufflingandstammeringand

sidewayslooksgavehimaway.

Thatintroductiondidn'thappenuntillater.Odysseusspenthisfirsthoursin

thepalacesnoopingaroundandbeingabusedbytheSuitors,whojeeredandthrew

thingsathim.UnfortunatelyIcouldnottellmytwelvemaidswhohereallywas,so

theycontinuedtheirrudenesstoTelemachus,andjoinedtheSuitorsintheirinsults.

MelanthoofthePrettyCheekswasparticularlycutting,Iwastold.Iresolvedto

interposemyselfwhenthetimewasright,andtotellOdysseusthatthegirlshad

beenactingundermydirection.

WheneveningcameIarrangedtoseethesupposedbeggarinthenow‐emptyhall.

HeclaimedtohavenewsofOdysseus–hespunaplausibleyarn,andassuredmethat

Odysseuswouldbehomesoon,andIshedtearsandsaidIfeareditwasnotso,astravelers

hadbeentellingmethesamesortofthingforyears.Idescribedmysufferingsatlength,and

mylongingformyhusband–betterheshouldhearallthiswhileintheguiseofavagabond,

ashewouldbemoreinclinedtobelieveit.

ThenIflatteredhimbyconsultinghimforadvice.Iwasresolved–Isaid–to

bringoutthegreatbowofOdysseus,theonewithwhichhe'dshotanarrowthrough

twelvecircularaxe‐handles–anastoundingaccomplishment–andchallengethe

Suitorstoduplicatethefeat,offeringmyselfastheprize.Surelythatwouldbringan

26 THEPENELOPIAD

end,onewayoranother,totheintolerablesituationinwhichIfoundmyselfWhat

didhethinkofthatplan?

Hesaiditwasanexcellentidea.

ThesongsclaimthatthearrivalofOdysseusandmydecisiontosetthetestof

thebowandaxescoincidedbyaccident–orbydivineplan,whichwasourwayof

puttingitthen.Nowyou'veheardtheplaintruth.IknewthatonlyOdysseuswould

beabletoperformthisarcherytrick.IknewthatthebeggarwasOdysseus.There

wasnocoincidence.Isetthewholethinguponpurpose.

Growingconfidentialwiththepurportedseedytramp,Ithenrelatedadream

ofmine.Itconcernedmyflockoflovelywhitegeese,geeseofwhichIwasveryfond.

Idreamtthattheywerehappilypeckingaroundtheyardwhenahugeeaglewitha

crookedbeakswoopeddownandkilledthemall,whereuponIweptandwept.

Odysseus‐the‐beggarinterpretedthisdreamforme:theeaglewasmy

husband,thegeeseweretheSuitors,andtheonewouldshortlyslaytheothers.He

saidnothingaboutthecrookedbeakoftheeagle,ormyloveforthegeeseandmy

anguishattheirdeaths.

Intheevent,Odysseuswaswrongaboutthedream.Hewasindeedtheeagle,

butthegeesewerenottheSuitors.Thegeeseweremytwelvemaids,asIwassoon

tolearntomyunendingsorrow.

There'sadetailtheymakemuchofinthesongs.Iorderedthemaidstowashthe

feetofOdysseus‐the‐mendicant,andherefused,sayinghecouldonlyallowhisfeet

tobewashedbyonewhowouldnotderidehimforbeinggnarledandpoor.Ithen

proposedoldEurycleiaforthetask,awomanwhosefeetwereaslackingin

aestheticvalueashisown.Grumbling,shesettowork,notsuspectingthebooby

trapI'dplacedreadyforher.Soonshefoundthelongscarfamiliartoherfromthe

many,manytimesshe'dperformedthesameserviceforOdysseus.Atthispointshe

letoutayelpofjoyandupsetthebasinofwateralloverthefloor,andOdysseus

almostthrottledhertokeepherfromgivinghimaway.

THEPENELOPIAD 27

ThesongssayIdidn'tnoticeathingbecauseAthenahaddistractedme.Ifyou

believethat,you'llbelieveallsortsofnonsense.InrealityI'dturnedmybackonthe

twoofthemtohidemysilentlaughteratthesuccessofmylittlesurprise.

(Penelopenextrefutessomeoftheslanderousgossipthathasbeenspreadabout

heroverthelastseveralthousandyears;thensheandHelenhaveaconversationabout

howmanymenwerekilledoverthetwoofthem.Inthenextchapter,shedescribesthe

deathofhermaids.)

28 THEPENELOPIAD

ODYSSEUS AND TELEMACHUS SNUFF THE MAIDS

Isleptthroughthemayhem.HowcouldIhavedonesuchathing?Isuspect

Eurycleiaputsomethinginthecomfortingdrinkshegaveme,tokeepmeoutofthe

actionandstopmefrominterfering.NotthatIwouldhavebeenintheaction

anyway:Odysseusmadesureallthewomenwerelockedsecurelyintothewomen's

quarter.

Eurycleiadescribedthewholethingtome,andtoanyoneelsewhowould

listen.First,shesaid,Odysseus–stillintheguiseofabeggar–watchedwhile

Telemachussetupthetwelveaxes,andthenwhiletheSuitorsfailedtostringhis

famousbow.Thenhegotholdofthebowhimself,andafterstringingitand

shootinganarrowthroughthetwelveaxes–thuswinningmeashisbridefora

secondtime–heshotAntinousinthethroat,threwoffhisdisguise,andmade

mincemeatofeverylastoneoftheSuitors,firstwitharrows,thenwithspearsand

swords.Telemachusandtwofaithfulherdsmenhelpedhim;neverthelessitwasa

considerablefeat.TheSuitorshadafewspearsandswords,suppliedtothemby

Melanthius,atreacherousgoatherd,butnoneofthishardwarewasofanyhelpto

themintheend.

Eurycleiatoldmehowsheandtheotherwomenhadcowerednearthe

lockeddoor,listeningtotheshoutsandthesoundsofbreakingfurniture,andthe

groansofthedying.Shethendescribedthehorrorthathappenednext.

Odysseussummonedher,andorderedhertopointoutthemaidswhohad

been,ashecalledit,'disloyal'.Heforcedthegirlstohaulthedeadbodiesofthe

Suitorsoutintothecourtyard–includingthebodiesoftheirerstwhilelovers–and

THEPENELOPIAD 29

towashthebrainsandgoreoffthefloor,andtocleanwhateverchairsandtables

remainedintact.

Then–Eurycleiacontinued–hetoldTelemachustochopthemaidsinto

pieceswithhissword.Butmyson,wantingtoasserthimselftohisfather,andto

showthatheknewbetter–hewasatthatage–hangedthemallinarowfroma

ship'shawser.

Rightafterthat,saidEurycleia–whocouldnotdisguisehergloatingpleasure

–OdysseusandTelemachushackedofftheearsandnoseandhandsandfeetand

genitalsofMelanthiustheevilgoatherdandthrewthemtothedogs,payingno

attentiontothepoorman'sagonizedscreams.'Theyhadtomakeanexampleof

him,'saidEurycleia,'todiscourageanyfurtherdefections.'

'Butwhichmaids?'Icried,beginningtoshedtears.'Dear,gods–whichmaids

didtheyhang?'

'Mistress,dearchild,'saidEurycleia,anticipatingmydispleasure,'hewanted

tokillthemall!Ihadtochoosesome–otherwiseallwouldhaveperished!'

'Whichones?'Isaid,tryingtocontrolmyemotions.

'Onlytwelve,'shefaltered.'Theimpertinentones.Theoneswho'dbeenrude.

Theoneswhousedtothumbtheirnosesatme.MelanthoofthePrettyCheeksand

hercronies–thatlot.Theywerenotoriouswhores.'

'Theoneswho'dbeenraped,'Isaid.'Theyoungest.Themostbeautiful.'My

eyesandearsamongtheSuitors,Ididnotadd.Myhelpersduringthelongnightsof

theshroud.Mysnow‐whitegeese.Mythrushes,mydoves.

Itwasmyfault!Ihadn'ttoldherofmyscheme.'Theyletitgototheirheads,'

saidEurycleiadefensively.'Itwouldn'thavedoneforKingOdysseustoallowsuch

impertinentgirlstocontinuetoserveinthepalace.Hecouldneverhavetrusted

them.Nowcomedownstairs,dearchild.Yourhusbandiswaitingtoseeyou.'

30 THEPENELOPIAD

WhatcouldIdo?Lamentationwouldn'tbringmylovelygirlsbacktolife.I

bitmytongue.It'sawonderIhadanytongueleft,sofrequentlyhadIbittenitover

theyears.

Deadisdead,Itoldmyself.I’llsayprayersandperformsacrificesfortheir

souls.ButI’llhavetodoitinsecret,orOdysseuswillsuspectme,aswell.

Therecouldbeamoresinisterexplanation.WhatifEurycleiawasawareofmy

agreementwiththemaids–oftheirspyingontheSuitorsforme,ofmyordersto

themtobehaverebelliously?Whatifshesingledthemoutandhadthemkilledout

ofresentmentatbeingexcludedandthedesiretoretainherinsidepositionwith

Odysseus?

Ihaven'tbeenabletoconfrontheraboutit,downhere.She'sgotholdofa

dozendeadbabies,andisalwaysbusytendingthem.Happilyforhertheywillnever

growup.WheneverIapproachandtrytoengageherinconversationshesays,

'Later,mychild.Graciousme,I'vegotmyhandsfull!Lookattheittypretty–a

wugglewugglewoo!'

SoI’llneverknow.

THEPENELOPIAD 31

HEARTOFFLINT

Idescendedthestaircase,consideringmychoices.I’dpretendednottobelieve

EurycleiawhenshetoldmethatitwasOdysseuswho'dkilledtheSuitors.Perhaps

thismanwasanimposter,I’dsaid–howwouldIknowwhatOdysseuslookedlike

now,aftertwentyyears?IwasalsowonderinghowImustseemtohim.I’dbeen

veryyoungwhenhe'dsailedaway;nowIwasamatron.Howcouldhefailtobe

disappointed?

Idecidedtomakehimwait:Imyselfhadwaitedlongenough.AlsoIwould

needtimeinordertofullydisguisemytruefeelingsabouttheunfortunatehanging

ofmytwelveyoungmaids.

SowhenIenteredthehallandsawhimsittingthere,Ididn'tsayathing.

Telemachuswastednotime:almostimmediatelyhewasscoldingmefornotgiving

awarmerwelcometohisfather.Flinty‐hearted,hecalledmescornfully.Icouldsee

hehadarosylittlepictureinhismind:thetwoofthemsidingagainstme,grown

mentogether,tworoostersinchargeofthehenhouse.OfcourseIwantedthebest

forhim–hewasmyson,Ihopedhewouldsucceed,asapoliticalleaderorawarrior

orwhateverhewantedtobe–butatthatmomentIwishedtherewouldbeanother

TrojanWarsoIcouldsendhimofftoitandgethimoutofmyhair.Boyswiththeir

firstbeardscanbeathoroughpainintheneck.

ThehardnessofmyheartwasanotionIwasgladtofoster,however,asit

wouldreassureOdysseustoknowIhadn'tbeenthrowingmyselfintothearmsof

everymanwho’dturnedupclaimingtobehim.SoIlookedathimblankly,andsaid

itwastoomuchformetoswallow,theideathatthisdirty,blood‐smearedvagabond

wasthesameasmyfinehusbandwhohadsailedaway,sobeautifullydressed,

twentyyearsbefore.

32 THEPENELOPIAD

Odysseusgrinned–hewaslookingforwardtothebigrevelationscene,the

partwhereIwouldsay,‘Itwasyouallalong!Whataterrificdisguise!'andthrowmy

armsaroundhisneck.Thenhewentofftotakeamuch‐neededbath.Whenhecame

backincleanclothes,smellingagooddealbetterthanwhenhe'dgone,Icouldn't

resistteasinghimonelasttime.IorderedEurycleiatomovethebedoutsidethe

bedroomofOdysseus,andtomakeitupforthestranger.

You'llrecallthatonepostofthisbedwascarvedfromatreestillrootedin

theground.NobodyknewaboutitexceptOdysseus,myself,andmymaidActoris,

fromSparta,whobythattimewaslongdead.

Assumingthatsomeonehadcutthroughhischerishedbedpost,Odysseus

losthistemperatonce.OnlythendidIrelent,andgothroughthebusinessof

recognizinghim.Ishedasatisfactorynumberoftears,andembracedhim,and

claimedthathe'dpassedthebedposttest,andthatIwasnowconvinced.

Andsoweclimbedintotheverysamebedwherewe'dspentagreatmanyhappy

hourswhenwewerefirstmarried,beforeHelentookitintoherheadtorunoffwith

Paris,lightingthefiresofwarandbringingdesolationtomyhouse.Iwasgladit

wasdarkbythen,asintheshadowswebothappearedlesswizenedthanwewere.

'We'renotspringchickensanymore,'Isaid.

'Thatwhichweare,weare,'saidOdysseus.

Afteralittletimehadpassedandwewerefeelingpleasedwitheachother,

wetookupouroldhabitsofstory‐telling.Odysseustoldmeofallhistravelsand

difficulties–thenoblerversions,withthemonstersandthegoddesses,ratherthan

themoresordidoneswiththeinnkeepersandwhores.Herecountedthemanylies

he'dinvented,thefalsenameshe'dgivenhimself–tellingtheCyclopshisnamewas

NoOnewasthecleverestofsuchtricks,thoughhe'dspoileditbyboasting–andthe

fraudulentlifehistorieshe'dconcoctedforhimself,thebettertoconcealhisidentity

andhisintentions.Inmyturn,IrelatedthetaleoftheSuitors,andmytrickwiththe

shroudofLaertes,andmydeceitfulencouragingsoftheSuitors,andtheskilfulways

THEPENELOPIAD 33

inwhichI'dmisdirectedthemandledthemonandplayedthemoffagainstone

another.

Thenhetoldmehowmuchhe'dmissedme,andhowhe'dbeenfilledwith

longingformeevenwhenenfoldedinthewhitearmsofgoddesses;andItoldhim

howverymanytearsI'dshedwhilewaitingtwentyyearsforhisreturn,andhow

tediouslyfaithfulI'dbeen,andhowIwouldneverhaveevensomuchasthoughtof

betrayinghisgiganticbedwithitswondrousbedpostbysleepinginitwithany

otherman.

Thetwoofuswere–byourownadmissionproficientandshamelessliarsof

longstanding.It'sawondereitheroneofusbelievedawordtheothersaid.

Butwedid.

Orsowetoldeachother.

NosoonerhadOdysseusreturnedthanheleftagain.Hesaidthat,muchashehated

totearhimselfawayfromme,he'dhavetogoadventuringagain.He'dbeentoldby

thespiritoftheseerTeiresiasthathewouldhavetopurifyhimselfbycarryingan

oarsofarinlandthatthepeopletherewouldmistakeitforawinnowingfan.Onlyin

thatwaycouldherinsethebloodoftheSuitorsfromhimself,avoidtheirvengeful

ghostsandtheirvengefulrelatives,andpacifytheangerofthesea‐godPoseidon,

whowasstillfuriouswithhimforblindinghissontheCyclops.

It.wasalikelystory.Butthen,allofhisstorieswerelikely.

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