THEPENELOPIAD 1
Selectionsfrom
THEPENELOPIAD
ByMargaretAtwood
MY CHILDHOOD
WhereshallIbegin?Thereareonlytwochoices:atthebeginningornotatthe
beginning.Therealbeginningwouldbethebeginningoftheworld,afterwhichone
thinghasledtoanother;butsincetherearedifferencesofopinionaboutthat,I'll
beginwithmyownbirth.
MyfatherwasKingIcariusofSparta.MymotherwasaNaiad.Daughtersof
Naiadswereadimeadozeninthosedays;theplacewascrawlingwiththem.
Nevertheless,itneverhurtstobeofsemidivinebirth.Oritneverhurtsimmediately.
WhenIwasquiteyoungmyfatherorderedmetobethrownintothesea.I
neverknewexactlywhy,duringmylifetime,butnowIsuspecthe'dbeentoldbyan
oraclethatIwouldweavehisshroud.Possiblyhethoughtthatifhekilledmefirst,
hisshroudwouldneverbewovenandhewouldliveforever.Icanseehowthe
reasoningmighthavegone.Inthatcase,hiswishtodrownmecamefroman
understandabledesiretoprotecthimself.Buthemusthavemisheard,orelsethe
oracleherselfmisheard–thegodsoftenmumble–becauseitwasnothisshroud
thatwasatissue,butmyfather‐in‐law'sshroud.Ifthatwastheprophecyitwasa
2 THEPENELOPIAD
trueone,andindeedtheweavingofthisparticularshroudprovedagreat
conveniencetomelateroninmylife.
Theteachingofcraftstogirlshasfallenoutoffashionnow,Iunderstand,but
luckilyithadnotinmyday.It'salwaysanadvantagetohavesomethingtodowith
yourhands.Thatway,ifsomeonemakesaninappropriateremark,youcanpretend
youhaven'theardit.Thenyoudon'thavetoanswer.
Butperhapsthisshroud‐weavingoracleideaofmineisbaseless.PerhapsI
haveonlyinventeditinordertomakemyselffeelbetter.Somuchwhisperinggoes
on,inthedarkcaverns,inthemeadows,thatsometimesit'shardtoknowwhether
thewhisperingiscomingfromothersorfromtheinsideofyourownhead.Iusehead
figuratively.Wehavedispensedwithheadsassuch,downhere.
Nomatter–intotheseaIwasthrown.DoIrememberthewavesclosingover
me,doIrememberthebreathleavingmylungsandthesoundofbellspeoplesay
thedrowninghear?Notintheleast.ButIwastoldthestory:thereisalwayssome
servantorslaveoroldnurseorbusybodyreadytoregaleachildwiththeawful
thingsdonetoitbyitsparentswhenitwastooyoungtoremember.Hearingthis
discouraginganecdotedidnotimprovemyrelationswithmyfather.Itistothis
episode–orrather,tomyknowledgeofit–thatIattributemyreserve,aswellas
mymistrustofotherpeople'sintentions.
ItwasstupidofIcariustotrytodrownthedaughterofaNaiad,however.
Waterisourelement,itisourbirthright.Althoughwearenotsuchgoodswimmers
asourmothers,wedohaveawayoffloating,andwe'rewellconnectedamongthe
fishandseabirds.Aflockofpurple‐stripedduckscametomyrescueandtowedme
ashore.Afteranomenlikethat,whatcouldmyfatherdo?Hetookmeback,and
renamedme–duckwasmynewnickname.Nodoubthefeltguiltyaboutwhathe'd
almostdone:hebecame,ifanything,rathertooaffectionatetowardsme.
Ifoundthisaffectiondifficulttoreciprocate.Youcanimagine.ThereIwould
be,strollinghandinhandwithmyapparentlyfondmaleparentalongacliffedgeor
ariverbankoraparapet,andthethoughtwouldoccurtomethathemight
THEPENELOPIAD 3
suddenlydecidetoshovemeoverorbashmetodeathwitharock.Preservinga
calmfacadeunderthesecircumstanceswasachallenge.AftersuchexcursionsI
wouldretiretomyroomanddissolveinfloodsoftears.(Excessiveweeping,Imight
aswelltellyounow,isahandicapoftheNaiad‐born.Ispentatleastaquarterofmy
earthlylifecryingmyeyesout.Fortunatelyinmytimetherewereveils.Theywerea
practicalhelpfordisguisingred,puffyeyes.)
Mymother,likeallNaiads,wasbeautiful,butchillyatheart.Shehadwaving
hairanddimples,andripplinglaughter.Shewaselusive.WhenIwaslittleIoften
triedtothrowmyarmsaroundher,butshehadahabitofslidingaway.Iliketo
thinkthatshemayhavebeenresponsibleforcallingupthatflockofducks,but
probablyshewasn't:shepreferredswimmingintherivertothecareofsmall
children,andIoftenslippedhermind.Ifmyfatherhadn'thadmethrownintothe
seashemighthavedroppedmeinherself,inafitofabsent‐mindednessorirritation.
Shehadashortattentionspanandrapidlychangingemotions.
YoucanseebywhatI'vetoldyouthatIwasachildwholearnedearlythe
virtues–ifsuchtheyare–ofself‐sufficiency.IknewthatIwouldhavetolookout
formyselfintheworld.Icouldhardlycountonfamilysupport.
4 THEPENELOPIAD
ASPHODEL
It'sdarkhere,asmanyhaveremarked.'DarkDeath',theyusedtosay.'Thegloomy
hallsofHades',andsoforth.Well,yes,itisdark,butthereareadvantages–for
instance,ifyouseesomeoneyou'drathernotspeaktoyoucanalwayspretendyou
haven'trecognizedthem.Thereareofcoursethefieldsofasphodel.Youcanwalk
aroundinthemifyouwant.It'sbrighter'there,andacertainamountofvapid
dancinggoeson,thoughtheregionsoundsbetterthanitis–thefieldsofasphodel
hasapoeticlilttoit.Butjustconsider.Asphodel,asphodel,asphodel–pretty
enoughwhiteflowers,butapersongetstiredofthemafterawhile,Itwouldhave
beenbettertosupplysomevariety–anassortmentofcolors,afewwindingpaths
andvistasandstonebenchesandfountains.Iwouldhavepreferredtheodd
hyacinth,atleast,andwouldasprinklingofcrocuseshavebeentoomuchtoexpect?
Thoughwenevergetspringhere,oranyotherseasons.Youdohavetowonderwho
designedtheplace.
HaveImentionedthefactthatthere'snothingtoeatexceptasphodel?
ButIshouldn'tcomplain.
Thedarkergrottoesaremoreinteresting–theconversationthereisbetter,if
youcanfindaminorrascalofsomesort–apickpocket,astockbroker,asmall‐time
pimp.Likealotofgoody‐goodygirls,Iwasalwayssecretlyattractedtomenofthat
kind.
Idon'tfrequentthereallydeeplevelsmuch,though.That'swherethe
punishmentsaredealtouttothetrulyvillainous,thosewhowerenotsufficiently
punishedwhilealive.It'shardtoputupwiththescreams.Thetortureismental
torture,however,sincewedon'thavebodiesanymore.Whatthegodsreallylikeis
toconjureupbanquets–bigplattersofmeat,heapsofbread,bunchesofgrapes–
andthensnatchthemaway.Makingpeoplerollheavystonesupsteephillsis
THEPENELOPIAD 5
anotheroftheirfavoritejests.Isometimeshaveayentogodownthere:itmight
helpmetorememberwhatitwasliketohaverealhunger,whatitwasliketohave
realfatigue.
Everyonceinawhilethefogspartandwegetaglimpseoftheworldofthe
living.It'slikerubbingtheglassonadirtywindow,makingaspacetolookthrough.
Sometimesthebarrierdissolvesandwecangoonanouting.Thenwegetvery
excited,andthereisagreat'dealofsqueaking.
Theseoutingscantakeplaceinmanyways.Onceuponatime,anyonewho
wishedtoconsultuswouldslitthethroatofasheeporcoworpigandlettheblood
flowintoatrenchintheground.We'dsmellitandmakeabeelineforthesite,like
fliestoacarcass.Therewe'dbe,chirpingandfluttering,thousandsofus,likethe
contentsofagiantwastepaperbasketcaughtinatornado,whilesomeself‐styled
heroheldusoffwithdrawnsworduntiltheonehewantedtoconsultappeared.A
fewvagueprophecieswouldbeforthcoming:welearnedtokeepthemvague.Why
telleverything?Youneededtokeepthemcomingbackformore,withothersheep,
cows,pigs,andsoforth.
Oncetherightnumberofwordshadbeenhandedovertotheherowe'dall
beallowedtodrinkfromthetrench,andIcan'tsaymuchinpraiseofthetable
mannersonsuchoccasions.Therewasalotofpushingandshoving,alotofslurping
andspilling;therewerealotofcrimsonchins.However,itwasglorioustofeelthe
bloodcoursinginournon‐existentveinsagain,ifonlyforaninstant.
Wecouldsometimesappearasdreams,thoughthatwasn'tassatisfactory.
Thentherewerethosewhogotstuckonthewrongsideoftheriverbecausethey
hadn'tbeengivenproperburials.Theywanderedaroundinaveryunhappystate,
neitherherenorthere,andtheycouldcausealotoftrouble.
Thenafterhundreds,possiblythousandsofyear–it'shardtokeeptrackof
timehere,becausewedon'thaveanyofitassuch–customschanged.Noliving
peoplewenttotheunderworldmuchanymore,andourownabodewasupstagedby
amuchmorespectacularestablishmentdowntheroad–fierypits,wailingand
6 THEPENELOPIAD
gnashingofteeth,gnawingworms,demonswithpitchforks–agreatmanyspecial
effects.
Butwewerestillcalledupoccasionallybymagiciansandconjurors–men
who'dmadepactswiththeinfernalpowers–andthenbysmallerfry,thetable‐
tilters,themediums,thechannellers,peopleofthatilk.Itwasdemeaning,allofit–
tohavetomaterializeinachalkcircleoravelvet‐upholsteredparlorjustbecause
someonewantedtogapeatyou–butitdidallowustokeepupwithwhatwas
goingonamongthestill‐alive.Iwasveryinterestedintheinventionofthelight
bulb,forinstance,andinthematter‐into‐energytheoriesofthetwentiethcentury.
Morerecently,someofushavebeenabletoinfiltratethenewethereal‐wave
systemthatnowencirclestheglobe,andtotravelaroundthatway,lookingoutat
theworldthroughtheflat,illuminatedsurfacesthatserveasdomesticshrines.
Perhapsthat'showthegodswereabletocomeandgoasquicklyastheydidback
then–theymusthavehadsomethinglikethatattheirdisposal.Inevergot
summonedmuchbythemagicians.Iwasfamous,yes–askanyone–butforsome
reasontheydidn'twanttoseeme,whereasmycousinHelenwasmuchindemand.
Itdidn'tseemfair–Iwasn'tknownfordoinganythingnotorious,especiallyofa
sexualnature,andshewasnothingifnotinfamous.Ofcourseshewasvery
beautiful.Itwasclaimedshe'dcomeoutofanegg,beingthedaughterofZeuswho'd
rapedhermotherintheformofaswan.Shewasquitestuck‐upaboutit,wasHelen.
Iwonderhowmanyofusreallybelievedthatswanrapeconcoction?Therewerea
lotofstoriesofthatkindgoingaroundthen–thegodscouldn'tseemtokeeptheir
handsorpawsorbeaksoffmortalwomen,theywerealwaysrapingsomeoneor
other.
Anyway,themagiciansinsistedonseeingHelen,andshewaswillingto
oblige.Itwaslikeareturntotheolddaystohavealotofmengawpingather.She
likedtoappearinoneofherTrojanoutfits,over‐decoratedtomytaste,but chacun à
son goût1.Shehadakindofslowtwirlshewoulddo;thenshe'dlowerherheadand
glanceupintothefaceofwhoeverhadconjuredherup,andgiveoneofher 1Peoplehavetheirownpreferences
THEPENELOPIAD 7
trademarkintimatesmiles,andtheywerehers.Orshe'dtakeontheforminwhich
shedisplayedherselftoheroutragedhusband,Menelaus,whenTroywasburning
andhewasabouttoplungehisvengefulswordintoher.Allshehadtodowasbare
oneofherpeerlessbreasts,andhewasdownonhisknees,anddroolingand
beggingtotakeherback.
Asforme...well,peopletoldmeIwasbeautiful,theyhadtotellmethat
becauseIwasaprincess,andshortlyafterthataqueen,butthetruthwasthat
althoughIwasnotdeformedorugly,Iwasnothingspecialtolookat.Iwassmart,
though:consideringthetimes,verysmart.ThatseemstobewhatIwasknownfor:
beingsmart.That,andmyweaving,andmydevotiontomyhusband,andmy
discretion.
Ifyouwereamagician,messingaroundinthedarkartsandriskingyour
soul,wouldyouwanttoconjureupaplainbutsmartwifewho'dbeengoodat
weavingandhadnevertransgressed,insteadofawomanwho'ddrivenhundredsof
menmadwithlustandhadcausedagreatcitytogoupinflames?
NeitherwouldI.
Helenwasneverpunished,notonebit.Whynot,I'dliketoknow?Otherpeoplegot
strangledbyseaserpentsanddrownedinstormsandturnedintospidersandshot
witharrowsformuchsmallercrimes.Eatingthewrongcows.Boasting.Thatsortof
thing.You'dthinkHelenmighthavegotagoodwhippingattheveryleast,afterall
theharmandsufferingshecausedtocountlessotherpeople.Butshedidn't.
NotthatImind.NotthatIminded.
Ihadotherthingsinmylifetooccupymyattention.
Which brings me to the subject of my marriage.
8 THEPENELOPIAD
MY MARRIAGE
Mymarriagewasarranged.That'sthewaythingsweredonethen:were
therewereweddings,therewerearrangements.Idon'tmeansuchthingsasbridal
outfits,flowers,banquets,andmusic,thoughwehadthosetoo.Everyonehasthose,
evennow;ThearrangementsImeanweremoredeviousthanthat.
Undertheoldrulesonlyimportantpeoplehadmarriages,becauseonly
importantpeoplehadinheritances:Alltherestwasjustcopulationofvariouskinds
–rapesorseductions,loveaffairsorone‐nightstands,withgodswhosaidtheywere
shepherdsorshepherdswhosaidtheyweregods.Occasionallyagoddessmightget
mixedupinittodabblearoundinperishablefleshlikeaqueenplayingat
milkmaids,buttherewardforthemanwasashortenedlifeandoftenaviolent
death.Immortalityandmortalitydidn'tmixwell:itwasfireandmud,onlythefire
alwayswon.
Thegodswereneveraversetomakingamess.Infacttheyenjoyedit.To
watchsomemortalwithhisorhereyesfryingintheirsocketsthroughanoverdose
ofgod‐sexmadethemshakewithlaughter.Therewassomethingchildishaboutthe
gods,inanastyway.IcansaythisnowbecauseInolongerhaveabody,I'mbeyond
thatkindofsuffering,andthegodsaren'tlisteninganyway.AsfarasIcantell
they'vegonetosleep.Inyourworld,youdon'tgetvisitationsfromthegodstheway
peopleusedtounlessyou'reondrugs.
WherewasI?Ohyes.Marriages.Marriageswereforhavingchildren,and
childrenwerenottoysandpets.Childrenwerevehiclesforpassingthingsalong.
Thesethingscouldbekingdoms,richweddinggifts,stories,grudges,bloodfeuds.
Throughchildren,allianceswereforged;throughchildren,wrongswereavenged.
Tohaveachildwastosetlooseaforceintheworld.
THEPENELOPIAD 9
Ifyouhadanenemyitwasbesttokillhissons,evenifthosesonswere
babies.Otherwisetheywouldgrowupandhuntyoudown.Ifyoucouldn'tbring
yourselftoslaughterthem,youcoulddisguisethemandsendthemfaraway,orsell
themasslaves,butaslongastheywerealivetheywouldbeadangertoyou.
Ifyouhaddaughtersinsteadofsons,youneededtogetthembredassoonas
possiblesoyoucouldhavegrandsons.Themoresword‐wieldersandspear‐
throwersyoucouldcountonfromwithinyourfamilythebetter,becauseallthe
othernoteworthymenaroundwereonthelookoutforapretexttoraidsomeking
ornobleandcarryawayanything.theycouldgrab,peopleincluded.Weaknessin
onepower‐holdermeantopportunityforanother,soeverykingandnobleneeded
allthehelphecouldget.
Thusitwentwithoutsayingthatamarriagewouldbearrangedforme
whenthetimecame.
AtthecourtofKingIcarius,myfather,theystillretainedtheancientcustomof
havingconteststoseewhoshouldmarryanoblybornwomanwhowas–soto
speak–ontheblock.Themanwhowonthecontestgotthewomanandthe
wedding,andwasthenexpectedtostayatthebride'sfather'spalaceandcontribute
hisshareofmaleoffspring.Heobtainedwealththroughthemarriage–goldcups,
silverbowls,horses,robes,weapons,allthattrashtheyusedtovaluesomuchback
whenIwasalive.Hisfamilywasexpectedtohandoveralotofthistrashaswell.
IcansaytrashbecauseIknowwheremostofitendedup.Itmolderedaway
inthegroundoritsanktothebottomofthesea,oritgotbrokenormelteddown.
Someofitmadeitswaytoenormouspalacesthathave–strangely–nokingsor
queensinthem.Endlessprocessionsofpeopleingracelessclothingfilethrough
thesepalaces,staringatthegoldcupsandthesilverbowls,whicharenotevenused
anymore.Thentheygotoasortofmarketinsidethepalaceandbuypicturesof
thesethings,orminiatureversionsofthemthatarenotrealsilverandgold.Thatis
whyIsaytrash.
10 THEPENELOPIAD
Undertheancientcustoms,thehugepileofsparklingweddinglootstayed
withthebride'sfamily,inthebride'sfamily'spalace.Perhapsthatis.whymyfather
hadbecomesoattachedtomeafterhavingfailedtodrownmeinthesea:whereI
was,therewouldbethetreasure.
(Whydidhethrowmein?Thatquestionstillhauntsme.AlthoughI'mnot
altogethersatisfiedwiththeshroud‐weavingexplanation,I'veneverbeenableto
findtherightanswer,evendownhere.EverytimeIseemyfatherinthedistance,
wadingthroughtheasphodel,andtrytocatchupwithhim,hehurriesawayasifhe
doesn'twanttofaceme.
I'vesometimesthoughtImayhavebeenasacrificetothegodofthesea,
whowasknowntobethirstyforhumanlife.Thentheducksrescuedme,through
noactofmyfather's.Isupposemyfathercouldarguethathe'dfulfilledhissideof
thebargain,ifbargainitwas,andthathehadn'tcheated,andthatifthesea‐godhad
failedtodragmedownanddevourme,thatwashisowntoughluck.
ThemoreIthinkaboutthisversionofevents,themoreIlikeit.Itmakes
sense.)
Pictureme,then,asacleverbutnotoverlybeautifulgirlofmarriageable
age,let'ssayfifteen.SupposeI'mlookingoutthewindowofmyroom–whichwas
onthesecondfloorofthepalace–downintothecourtyardwherethecontestants
aregathering:allthoseyounghopefulswhowishtocompeteformyhand.
Idon'tlookdirectlyoutofthewindow,ofcourse.Idon'tplantmyelbowson
thewindowsilllikesomehulkingmaidandstareshamelessly.No,Ipeek,from
behindmyveilandfrombehindthedrapery.Itwouldnotdotoletallthosescantily
cladyoungmenseemyunveiledface.Thepalacewomenhavedolledmeupasbest
theycan,minstrelshavecomposedsongsofpraiseinmyhonor–'radiantas
Aphrodite',andalltheusualclaptrap–butIfeelshyandmiserable.Theyoungmen
laughandjoke;theyseemateasewithoneanother;theydonotglanceup.
THEPENELOPIAD 11
Iknowitisn'tmethey'reafter,notPenelopetheDuck.It'sonlywhatcomes
withme–theroyalconnection,thepileofglitteringjunk.Nomanwilleverkill
himselfforloveofme.
Andnomaneverdid.NotthatIwouldhavewantedtoinspirethosekindsof
suicides.Iwasnotamaneater,IwasnotaSiren,IwasnotlikecousinHelenwho
lovedtomakeconquestsjusttoshowshecould.Assoonasthemanwasgroveling,
anditnevertooklong,she'dstrollawaywithoutabackwardsglance,givingthat
carelesslaughofhers,asifshe'djustbeenwatchingthepalacemidgetstanding
ridiculouslyonhishead.
Iwasakindgirl–kinderthanHelen,orsoIthought.IknewIwouldhaveto
havesomethingtoofferinsteadofbeauty.Iwasclever,everyonesaidso–infact
theysaiditsomuchthatIfounditdiscouraging–butclevernessisaqualityaman
likestohaveinhiswifeaslongassheissomedistanceawayfromhim.Upclose,
he'lltakekindnessanydayoftheweek,ifthere'snothingmorealluringtobehad.
Themostobvioushusbandformewouldhavebeenayoungersonofaking
withlargeestatesoneofKingNestor'sboys,perhaps.Thatwouldhavebeenagood
connectionforKingIcarius.Throughmyveil,Istudiedtheyoungmenmilling
arounddownbelow,tryingtofigureoutwhoeachonewasand–athingofno
practicalconsequence,sinceitwasn'tuptometochoosemyhusbandwhichoneI
preferred.
Acoupleofthemaidswerewithme–theyneverleftmeunattended,Iwasa
riskuntilIwassafelymarried,becausewhoknewwhatupstartfortunehunter
mighttrytoseducemeorseizemeandrunawaywithme?Themaidsweremy
sourcesofinformation.Theywereever‐flowingfountainsoftrivialgossip:they
couldcomeandgofreelyinthepalace,theycouldstudythemenfromallangles,
theycouldlisteninontheirconversations,theycouldlaughandjokewiththemas
muchastheypleased:noonecaredwhomightwormhiswayinbetweentheirlegs.
'Who'sthebarrel‐chestedone?'Iasked.
12 THEPENELOPIAD
'Oh,that'sonlyOdysseus,'saidoneofthemaids.Hewasnotconsidered–by
themaidsatleast–tobeaseriouscandidateformyhand.Hisfather'spalacewas
onIthaca,agoat‐strewnrock;hisclotheswererustic;hehadthemannersofa
small‐townbigshot,andhadalreadyexpressedseveralcomplicatedideasthe
othersconsideredpeculiar.Hewascleverthough,theysaid.Infacthewastoo
cleverforhisowngood.Theotheryoungmenmadejokesabouthim–'Don't
gamblewithOdysseus,thefriendofHermes,'theysaid.'You'llneverwin.'Thiswas
likesayinghewasacheatandathief.HisgrandfatherAutolycuswaswellknownfor
theseveryqualities,andwasreputednevertohavewonanythingfairlyinhislife.
'Iwonderhowfasthecanrun,'Isaid.Insomekingdomsthecontestfor
brideswasawrestlingmatch,inothersachariotrace,butwithusitwasjust
running.
'Notveryfast,onthoseshortlegsofhis,'saidonemaidunkindly.Andindeed
thelegsofOdysseuswerequiteshortinrelationtohisbody.Itwasallrightwhen
hewassittingdown,youdidn'tnotice,butstandinguphelookedtop‐heavy.
'Notfastenoughtocatchyou,'saidanotherofthemaids.'Youwouldn'twant
towakeupinthemorningandfindyourselfinbedwithyourhusbandandaherdof
Apollo'scows.'ThiswasajokeaboutHermes,whosefirstactofthieveryontheday
hewasborninvolvedanaudaciouscattleraid.'Notunlessoneofthemwasabull,'
saidanother.'Orelseagoat,'saidathird.'Abigstrongram!Ibetouryoungduck
wouldlikethat!She'dbebleatingsoonenough!''Iwouldn'tmindoneofthatkind
myself,'saidafourth.'Betteraramthanthebabyfingersyougetaroundhere.'They
allbeganlaughing,holdingtheirhandsovertheirmouthsandsnortingwithmirth.
Iwasmortified.Ididn'tunderstandthecoarserkindsofjokes,notyet,soI
didn'tknowexactlywhytheywerelaughing,thoughIunderstoodthattheir
laughterwasatmyexpense.ButIhadnowayofmakingthemstop.
***
THEPENELOPIAD 13
AtthismomentmycousinHelencamesailingup,likethelong‐neckedswanshe
fanciedherselftobe.Shehadadistinctiveswayingwalkandshewasexaggerating
it.Althoughminewasthemarriageinquestion,shewantedalltheattentionfor
herself.Shewasasbeautifulasusual,indeedmoreso:shewasintolerablybeautiful.
Shewasdressedtoperfection:Menelaus,herhusband,alwaysmadesureofthat,
andhewasrichasstinksohecouldaffordit.Shetiltedherfacetowardsme,looking
atmewhimsicallyasifshewereflirting.Isuspectsheusedtoflirtwithherdog,
withhermirror,withhercomb,withherbedpost.Sheneededtokeepinpractice.
'IthinkOdysseuswouldmakeaverysuitablehusbandforourlittleduckie,'
shesaid.'Shelikesthequietlife,andshe'llcertainlyhavethatifhetakesherto
Ithaca,ashe'sboastingofdoing.Shecanhelphimlookafterhisgoats.Sheand
Odysseusaretwoofakind.Theybothhavesuchshortlegs.'Shesaidthislightly,
butherlightestsayingswereoftenhercruelest.Whyisitthatreallybeautiful
peoplethinkeveryoneelseintheworldexistsmerelyfortheiramusement?
Themaidssniggered.Iwascrushed.Ihadnotthoughtmylegswerequite
thatshort,andIcertainlyhadn'tthoughtHelenwouldnoticethem.Butnotmuch
escapedherwhenitcametoassessingthephysicalgracesanddefectsofothers.
ThatwaswhatgotherintotroublewithParis,laterhewassomuchbetterlooking
thanMenelaus,whowaslumpishandred‐haired.Thebestthatwasclaimedof
Menelaus,oncetheystartedputtinghimintothepoems,wasthathehadaveryloud
voice.
ThemaidsalllookedatmetoseewhatIwouldsay.ButHelenhadawayof
leavingpeoplespeechless,andIwasnoexception.
'Nevermind,littlecousin,'shesaidtome,pattingmeonthearm.'Theysay
he'sveryclever.Andyou'reveryclevertoo,theytellme.Soyou'llbeableto
understandwhathesays.Icertainlynevercould!Itwasluckyforbothofusthathe
didn'twinme!'
Shegavethepatronizingsmirkofsomeonewho'shadfirstchanceataless
thandeliciouspieceofsausagebuthasfastidiouslyrejectedit.Indeed,Odysseus
14 THEPENELOPIAD
hadbeenamongthesuitorsforherhand,andlikeeveryothermanonearthhe'd
desperatelywantedtowinher.Nowhewascompetingforwhatwasatbestonly
secondprize.
Helenstrolledaway,havingdeliveredhersting.Themaidsbegan
discussinghersplendidnecklace,herscintillatingearrings,herperfectnose,her
eleganthairstyle,herluminouseyes,thetastefullywovenborderofhershining
robe.ItwasasifIwasn'tthere.Anditwasmyweddingday.
Allofthiswasastrainonthenerves.Istartedtocry,asIwoulddosooften
inthefuture,andwastakentoliedownonmybed.
ThusImissedtheraceitselfOdysseuswonit.Hecheated,asIlaterlearned.My
father'sbrother,UncleTyndareus,fatherofHelen–though,asI've'toldyou,some
saidthatZeuswasherrealfather–helpedhimtodoit.Hemixedthewineofthe
othercontestantswithadrugthatslowedthemdown,thoughnotsomuchasthey
wouldnotice;toOdysseushegaveapotionthathadtheoppositeeffect.I
understandthatthissortofthinghasbecomeatradition,andisstillpracticedinthe
worldofthelivingwhenitcomestoathleticcontests.
WhydidUncleTyndareushelpmyfuturehusbandinthisway?Theywere
neitherfriendsnorallies.WhatdidTyndareusstandtogain?Myunclewouldnot
havehelpedanyone–believeme–simplyoutofthegoodnessofhisheart,a
commoditythatwasinshortsupply.
OnestoryhasitthatIwasthepaymentforaserviceOdysseushadrendered
toTyndareus.WhentheywereallcompetingforHelenandthingsweregetting
moreandmoreangry,Odysseusmadeeachcontestantswearanoaththatwhoever
wonHelenmustbedefendedbyalloftheothersifanyothermantriedtotakeher
awayfromthewinner.Inthatwayhecalmedthingsdownandallowedthematch
withMenelaustoproceedsmoothly.Hemusthaveknownhehadnohopehimself.It
wasthen–sotherumorgoes–thathestruckthebargainwithTyndareus:inreturn
THEPENELOPIAD 15
forassuringapeacefulandveryprofitableweddingfortheradiantHelen,Odysseus
wouldgetplain‐JanePenelope.
ButIhaveanotheridea,andhereitis.Tyndareusandmyfather,Icarius,
werebothkingsofSparta.Theyweresupposedtorulealternately,oneforayear
andtheotherthenext,turnandturnabout.ButTyndareuswantedthethronefor
himselfalone,andindeedhelatergotit.Itwouldstandtoreasonthathe'dsounded
outthevarioussuitorsontheirprospectsandtheirplans,andhadlearnedthat
Odysseussharedthenewfangledideathatthewifeshouldgotothehusband's
familyratherthantheotherwayaround.ItwouldsuitTyndareusfineifIcouldbe
sentfaraway,meandanysonsImightbear.Thatwaytherewouldbefewerto
cometotheaidofIcariusintheeventofanopenconflict.
Whateverwasbehindit,Odysseuscheatedandwontherace.IsawHelen
smilingmaliciouslyasshewatchedthemarriagerites.ShethoughtIwasbeing
pawnedoffonanuncouthdoltwhowouldhaulmeofftoadrearybackwater,and
shewasnotdispleased.She'dprobablyknownwellbeforehandthatthefixwasin.
Asforme,Ihadtroublemakingitthroughtheceremony–thesacrificesof
animals,theofferingstothegods,thelustralsprinklings,thelibations,theprayers,
theinterminablesongs.Ifeltquitedizzy.Ikeptmyeyesdowncast,soallIcouldsee
ofOdysseuswasthelowerpartofhisbody.Shortlegs,Ikeptthinking,evenatthe
mostsolemnmoments.Thiswasnotanappropriatethoughtitwastrivialandsilly,
anditmademewanttogiggle–butinmyowndefenseImustpointoutthatIwas
onlyfifteen.
16 THEPENELOPIAD
THE SCAR
AndsoIwashandedovertoOdysseus,likeapackageofmeat.Apackageofmeatin
awrappingofgold,mindyou.Asortofgildedbloodpudding.
Butperhapsthatistoocrudeasimileforyou.
Letmeaddthatmeatwashighlyvaluedamongus–thearistocracyatelotsof
it,meat,meat,meat,andalltheyeverdidwasroastit:ourswasnotanageofhaute
cuisine.Oh,Iforgot:therewasalsobread,flatbreadthatis,bread,bread,bread,and
wine,wine,wine.Wedidhavetheoddfruitorvegetable,butyou'veprobablynever
heardofthesebecausenooneputthemintothesongsmuch.
Thegodswantedmeatasmuchaswedid,butalltheyevergotfromuswas
thebonesandfat,thankstoabitofrudimentarysleightofhandbyPrometheus:
onlyanidiotwouldhavebeendeceivedbyabagofbadcowpartsdisguisedasgood
ones,andZeuswasdeceived;whichgoestoshowthatthegodswerenotalwaysas
intelligentastheywantedustobelieve.
IcansaythisnowbecauseI'mdead.Iwouldn'thavedaredtosayitearlier.
Youcouldnevertellwhenoneofthegodsmightbelistening,disguisedasabeggar
oranoldfriendorastranger.It'struethatIsometimesdoubtedtheirexistence,
thesegods.ButduringmylifetimeIconsidereditprudentnottotakeanyrisks.
Therewaslotsofeverythingatmyweddingfeast–greatglisteninghunksofmeat,
greatwadsoffragrantbread,greatflagonsofmellowwine.Itwasamazingthatthe
guestsdidn'tburstonthespot,theystuffedthemselvessofull.Nothinghelpsglut‐
tonyalongsowellaseatingfoodyoudon'thavetopayforyourself,asIlearned
fromlaterexperience.
Weatewithourhandsinthosedays.Therewasalotofgnawingandsome
heavy‐dutychewing,butitwasbetterthatway–nosharputensilsthatcouldbe
THEPENELOPIAD 17
snatchedupandplungedintoafellowguestwhomighthaveannoyedyou.Atany
weddingprecededbyacontesttherewereboundtobeafewsorelosers;butno
unsuccessfulsuitorlosthistemperatmyfeast.Itwasmoreasifthey'dfailedtowin
anauctionforahorse.
Thewinewasmixedtoostrong,sothereweremanyfuddledheads.Evenmy
father,KingIcarius,gotquitedrunk.Hesuspectedhe'dhadatrickplayedonhimby
TyndareusandOdysseus;hewasalmostsurethey'dcheated,buthecouldn'tfigure
outhowthey'ddoneit,andthismadehimangry,andwhenhewasangryhedrank
evenmore,anddroppedinsultingcommentsaboutpeople'sgrandparents.Buthe
wasaking,sotherewerenoduels.
Odysseushimselfdidnotgetdrunk.Hehadawayofappearingtodrinkalot
withoutactuallydoingit.Hetoldmelaterthatifamanlivesbyhiswits,ashedid,he
needstohavethosewitsalwaysathandandkeptsharp,likeaxesorswords.Only
fools,hesaid,weregiventobraggingabouthowmuchtheycoulddrink.Itwas
boundtoleadtoswillingcompetitions,andthentoinattentionandthelossofone's
powers,andthatwouldbewhenyourenemywouldstrike.
Asforme,Icouldn'teatathing.Iwastoonervous.Isatthereshroudedinmy
bridalveil,hardlydaringtoglanceatOdysseus.Iwascertainhewouldbe
disappointedinmeoncehe'dliftedthatveilandmadehiswayinthroughthecloak
andthegirdleandtheshimmeringrobeinwhichI'dbeendeckedout.Buthewasn't
lookingatme,andneitherwasanyoneelse.TheywereallstaringatHelen,whowas
dispensingdazzlingsmilesrightandleft,notmissingasingleman.Shehadawayof
smilingthatmadeeachoneofthemfeelthatsecretlyshewasinlovewithhimalone.
IsupposeitwasluckythatHelenwasdistractingeveryone'sattention,
becauseitkeptthemfromnoticingmeandmytremblingandawkwardness.Iwasn't
justnervous,Iwasreallyafraid.Themaidshadbeenfillingmyearswithtalesabout
howonceIwasinthebridalchamber–Iwouldbetornapartastheearthisbythe
plough,andhowpainfulandhumiliatingthatwouldbe.
18 THEPENELOPIAD
Asformymother,she'dstoppedswimmingaroundlikeaporpoiselong
enoughtoattendmywedding,forwhichIwaslessgratefulthanIoughttohave
been.Thereshesatonherthronebesidemyfather,robedincoolblue,asmall
puddlegatheringatherfeet.Shedidmakealittlespeechtomeasthemaidswere
changingmycostumeyetagain,butIdidn'tconsiderittobeahelpfuloneatthe
time.Itwasnothingifnotoblique;butthen,allNaiadsareoblique.
Hereiswhatshesaid:
Waterdoesnotresist.Waterflows.Whenyouplungeyourhandintoit,allyoufeelisacaress.Waterisnotasolidwall,itwillnotstopyou.Butwateralwaysgoeswhereitwantstogo,andnothingintheendcanstandagainstit.Waterispatient.Drippingwaterwearsawayastone.Rememberthat,mychild.Rememberyouarehalfwater.Ifyoucan'tgothroughanobstacle,goaroundit.Waterdoes.
Aftertheceremoniesandthefeasting,therewastheusualprocessiontothebridal
chamber,withtheusualtorchesandvulgarjokesanddrunkenyelling.Thebedhad
beengarlanded,thethresholdsprinkled,thelibationspoured.Thegatekeeperhad
beenpostedtokeepthebridefromrushingoutinhorror,andtostopherfriends
frombreakingdownthedoorandrescuingherwhentheyheardherscream.Allof
thiswasplay‐acting:thefictionwasthatthebridehadbeenstolen,andtheconsum‐
mationofamarriagewassupposedtobeasanctionedrape.Itwassupposedtobea
conquest,atramplingofafoe,amockkilling.Therewassupposedtobeblood.
Oncethedoorhadbeenclosed,Odysseustookmebythehandandsatme
downonthebed.'Forgeteverythingyou'vebeentold,'hewhispered.'I'mnotgoing
tohurtyou,ornotverymuch.Butitwouldhelpusbothifyoucouldpretend.I've
beentoldyou'reaclevergirl.Doyouthinkyoucouldmanageafewscreams?That
willsatisfythemthey'relisteningatthedoor–andthenthey'llleaveusinpeaceand
wecantakeourtimetobecomefriends.'
Thiswasoneofhisgreatsecretsasapersuader–hecouldconvinceanotherperson
thatthetwoofthemtogetherfacedacommonobstacle,andthattheyneededtojoinforces
inordertoovercomeit.Hecoulddrawalmostanylistenerintoacollaboration,alittle
THEPENELOPIAD 19
conspiracyofhisownmaking.Nobodycoulddothisbetterthanhe:foronce,thestories
don'tlie.Andhehadawonderfulvoiceaswell,deepandsonorous.SoofcourseIdidashe
asked.
SomewhatlaterIfoundthatOdysseuswasnotoneofthosemenwho,aftertheact,
simplyrolloverandbegintosnore.NotthatIamawareofthiscommonmalehabit
throughmyownexperience;butasI'vesaid,Ilistenedalottothemaids.No,
Odysseuswantedtotalk,andashewasanexcellentraconteurIwashappyto
listen.Ithinkthisiswhathevaluedmostinme:myabilitytoappreciatehisstories.
It'sanunderratedtalentinwomen.
I'dhadoccasiontonoticethelongscaronhisthigh,andsoheproceededto
tellmethestoryofhowhegotit.AsI'vealreadymentioned,hisgrandfatherwas
Autolycus,whoclaimedthegodHermeswashisfather.Thatmayhavebeenawayof
sayingthathewasacraftyoldthief,cheat,andliar,andthatluckhadfavoredhimin
thesekindsofactivities.
AutolycuswasthefatherofOdysseus'smother,Anticleia,who'dmarried
KingLaertesofIthacaandwasthereforenowmymother‐in‐law.Therewasa
slanderousitemgoingaroundaboutAnticleia–thatshe'dbeenseducedby
Sisyphus,whowasthetruefatherofOdysseus–butIfounditdifficulttobelieve,as
whowouldwanttoseduceAnticleia?Itwouldbelikeseducingaprow.Butletthe
talestand,forthemoment.
SisyphuswasamansotrickyhewassaidtohavecheatedDeathtwice:once
byfoolingKingHadesintoputtingonhandcuffsthatSisyphusrefusedtounlock,
oncebytalkingPersephoneintolettinghimoutoftheunderworldbecausehe
hadn'tbeenproperlyburied,andthusdidn'tbelongonthedeadsideoftheRiver
Styx.SoifweadmittherumoraboutAnticleia'sinfidelity,Odysseushadcraftyand
unscrupulousmenontwoofthemainbranchesofhisfamilytree.
Whateverthetruthofthis,hisgrandfatherAutolycus–who'dnamedhim–
invitedOdysseustoMountParnassustocollectthegiftspromisedhimathisbirth.
Odysseusdidpaythevisit,duringwhichhewentboarhuntingwiththesonsof
20 THEPENELOPIAD
Autolycus.Itwasaparticularlyferociousboarthathadgoredhiminthethighand
givenhimthescar.
TherewassomethinginthewayOdysseustoldthestorythatmademe
suspecttherewasmoretoit.WhyhadtheboarsavagedOdysseus,butnotthe
others?Hadtheyknownwheretheboarwashidingout,hadtheyledhimintoa
trap?WasOdysseusmeanttodiesothatAutolycusthecheatwouldn'thavetohand
overthegiftsheowed?Perhaps.
Ilikedtothinkso.IlikedtothinkIhadsomethingincommonwithmy
husband:bothofushadalmostbeendestroyedinouryouthbyfamilymembers.All
themorereasonthatweshouldsticktogetherandnotbetooquicktotrustothers.
Inreturnforhisstoryaboutthescar,ItoldOdysseusmyownstoryabout
almostdrowningandbeingrescuedbyducks.Hewasinterestedinit,andaskedme
questionsaboutit,andwassympathetic–everythingyouwouldwishalistenerto
be.'Mypoorduckling,'hesaid,strokingme.'Don'tworry.Iwouldneverthrowsuch
apreciousgirlintotheocean.'AtwhichpointIdidsomemoreweeping,andwas
comfortedinwaysthatweresuitableforaweddingnight.
Sobythetimethemorningcame,OdysseusandIwereindeedfriends,as
Odysseushadpromisedwewouldbe.Orletmeputitanotherway:Imyselfhad
developedfriendlyfeelingstowardshim–morethanthat,lovingandpassionate
ones–andhebehavedasifhereciprocatedthem.Whichisnotquitethesamething.
Aftersomedayshadpassed,Odysseusannouncedhisintentionoftakingme
andmydowrybackwithhimtoIthaca.Myfatherwasannoyedbythis–hewanted
theoldcustomskept,hesaid,whichmeantthathewantedbothofusandournewly
gainedwealthrightthereunderhisthumb.ButwehadthesupportofUncle
Tyndareus,whoseson‐in‐lawwasHelen'shusband,thepowerfulMenelaus,so
Icariushadtobackdown.
You'veprobablyheardthatmyfatherranafterourdepartingchariot,
beggingmetostaywithhim,andthatOdysseusaskedmeifIwasgoingtoIthaca
withhimofmyownfreewillordidIprefertoremainwithmyfather?It'ssaidthat
THEPENELOPIAD 21
inanswerIpulleddownmyveil,beingtoomodesttoproclaiminwordsmydesire
formyhusband,andthatastatuewaslatererectedofmeintributetothevirtueof
Modesty.
There'ssometruthtothisstory.ButIpulleddownmyveiltohidethefact
thatIwaslaughing.Youhavetoadmittherewassomethinghumorousabouta
fatherwho'doncetossedhisownchildintotheseacaperingdowntheroadafter
thatverychildandcalling,'Staywithme!'
Ididn'tfeellikestaying.Atthatmoment,Icouldhardlywaittogetawayfrom
theSpartancourt.Ihadn'tbeenveryhappythere,andIlongedtobeginanewlife.
(Fromthispointinthetext,PenelopedescribesherjourneytoIthaka,thebirthofherson
Telemachus,thestartoftheTrojanwar(“HelenRuinsMyLife”),theyearsofwaiting,the
arrivalofthesuitors,andhertrickofweavingtheshroudforLaertes.Thisnextchapter
dealswithadream,sentbyAthena,inwhichhersisterIphthimetellsPenelopethat
TelemachuswillreturnsafelyfromhisjourneytoPylosandSparta.)
22 THEPENELOPIAD
BADDREAMS
Nowbegantheworstperiodofmyordeal.IcriedsomuchIthoughtIwouldturn
intoariverorafountain,asintheoldtales.NomatterhowmuchIprayedand
offeredupsacrificesandwatchedforomens,myhusbandstilldidn'treturn.Toadd
tomymisery,Telemachuswasnowofanagetostartorderingmearound.I'drun
thepalaceaffairsalmostsingle‐handedlyfortwentyyears,butnowhewantedto
asser!hisauthorityasthesonofOdysseusandtakeoverthereins.Hestarted
makingscenesinthehall,standinguptotheSuitorsinarashwaythatIwascertain
wasgoingtogethimkilled.Hewasboundtoembarkonsomefoolhardyadventure
orother,asyoungmenwill.
Sureenough,hesnuckoffinashiptogochasingaroundlookingfornewsof
hisfather,withoutevensomuchasconsultingme.Itwasaterribleinsult,butI
couldn'tdwellonthatpartofit,becausemyfavoritemaidsbroughtmethenews
thattheSuitors,havinglearnedofmyson'sdaringescapade,weresendingashipof
theirowntolieinwaitforhimandambushhimandkillhimonhisreturnvoyage.
It'struethattheheraldMedonrevealedthisplottomeaswell,justasthe
songsrelate.ButIalreadyknewaboutitfromthemaids.Ihadtoappeartobe
surprised,however,becauseotherwiseMedon–whowasneitherononesidenor
theother–wouldhaveknownIhadmyownsourcesofinformation.
Well,naturally,Istaggeredaroundandfellontothethresholdandcriedand
wailed,andallofmymaids–mytwelvefavorites,andtherestofthem–joinedin
mylamentations.Ireproachedthemallfornothavingtoldmeofmyson's
departure,andfornotstoppinghim,untilthatinterferingoldbiddyEurycleia
confessedthatshealonehadaidedandabettedhim.Theonlyreasonthetwoof
themhadn'ttoldme,shesaid,wasthattheyhadn'twantedmetofret.Butallwould
comeoutfineintheend,sheadded,becausethegodswerejust.
THEPENELOPIAD 23
IrefrainedfromsayingI'dseenscantevidenceofthatsofar.
Whenthingsgettoodismal,andafterI'vedoneasmuchweepingaspossible
withoutturningmyselfintoapond,Ihavealways–fortunately–beenabletogoto
sleep.AndwhenIsleep,Idream.Ihadawholerunofdreamsthatnight,dreams
thathavenotbeenrecorded,forInevertoldthemtoalivingsoul.Inone,Odysseus
washavinghisheadbashedinandhisbrainseatenbytheCyclops;inanother,he
wasleapingintothewaterfromhisshipandswimmingtowardstheSirens,who
weresingingwithravishingsweetness,justlikemymaids,butwerealready
stretchingouttheirbirds'clawstotearhimapart;inyetanother,hewasmaking
lovewithabeautifulgoddess,andenjoyingitverymuch.Thenthegoddessturned
intoHelen;shewaslookingatmeoverthebareshoulderofmyhusbandwitha
maliciouslittlesmirk.Thislastwassuchanightmarethatitwokemeup,andI
prayedthatitwasafalsedreamsentfromthecaveofMorpheusthroughthegateof
ivory,notatrueonesentthroughthegateofhorn.
Iwentbacktosleep,andatlastmanagedacomfortingdream.ThisoneIdid
relate;perhapsyouhaveheardofit.MysisterIphthime–whowassomucholder
thanIwasthatIhardlyknewher,andwhohadmarriedandmovedfaraway–came
intomyroomandstoodbymybed,andtoldmeshehadbeensentbyAthena
herself,becausethegodsdidn'twantmetosuffer.Hermessagewasthat
Telemachuswouldreturnsafely.
ButwhenIquestionedheraboutOdysseus–washealiveordead?–she
refusedtoanswer,andslippedaway.
Somuchforthegodsnotwantingmetosuffer.Theyalltease.Imightaswell
havebeenastraydog,peltedwithstonesorwithitstailsetalightfortheir
amusement.Notthefatandbonesofanimals,butoursuffering,iswhattheyloveto
savor.
24 THEPENELOPIAD
(PenelopesoonhearsnewsfromTelemachusabouthisjourneytoSpartaandhis
meetingwithHelen.Then,inthenextchapter,Odysseushimselffinallyreturns)
YELPOFJOY
Whoistosaythatprayershaveanyeffect?Ontheotherhand,whoistosaythey
don't?Ipicturethegods,diddlingaroundonOlympus,wallowinginthenectarand
ambrosiaandthearomaofburningbonesandfat,mischievousasapackoften‐
year‐oldswithasickcattoplaywithandalotoftimeontheirhands.'Whichprayer
shallweanswertoday?'theyaskoneanother.'Let'scastdice!Hopeforthisone,
despairforthatone,andwhilewe'reatit,let'sdestroythelifeofthatwomanover
therebyhavingsexwithherintheformofacrayfish!'Ithinktheypullalotoftheir
pranksbecausethey'rebored.
Twentyyearsofmyprayershadgoneunanswered.But,finally,notthisone.
NosoonerhadIperformedthefamiliarritualandshedthefamiliartearsthan
Odysseushimselfshambledintothecourtyard.
Theshamblingwaspartofadisguise,naturally.Iwouldhaveexpectedno
lessofhim.Evidentlyhe'dappraisedthesituationinthepalace–theSuitors,their
wastingofhisestates,theirmurderousintentionstowardsTelemachus,theirappro‐
priationofthesexualservicesofhismaids,andtheirintendedwife‐grab–and
wiselyconcludedthatheshouldn'tsimplymarchinandannouncethathewas
Odysseus,andorderthemtovacatethepremises.Ifhe'dtriedthathe'dhavebeena
deadmanwithinminutes.
Sohewasdressedasadirtyoldbeggar.Hecouldcountonthefactthatmost
oftheSuitorshadnoideawhathelookedlike,havingbeentooyoungornoteven
bornwhenhe'dsailedaway.Hisdisguisewaswellenoughdone–Ihopedthe
wrinklesandbaldnesswerepartoftheact,andnotreal–butassoonasIsawthat
THEPENELOPIAD 25
barrelchestandthoseshortlegsIhadadeepsuspicion,whichbecameacertainty
whenIheardhe'dbrokentheneckofabelligerentfellowpanhandler.Thatwashis
style:stealthywhennecessary,true,buthewasneveragainstthedirectassault
methodwhenhewascertainhecouldwin.
Ididn'tletonIknew:Itwouldhavebeendangerousforhim.Also,ifaman
takesprideinhisdisguisingskills,itwouldbeafoolishwifewhowouldclaimto
recognizehim:it'salwaysanimprudencetostepbetweenamanandthereflection
ofhisowncleverness.
Telemachuswasinonthedeception:Icouldseethataswell.Hewasby
natureaspinneroffalsehoodslikehisfather,buthewasnotyetverygoodatit.
Whenheintroducedthesupposedbeggartome,hisshufflingandstammeringand
sidewayslooksgavehimaway.
Thatintroductiondidn'thappenuntillater.Odysseusspenthisfirsthoursin
thepalacesnoopingaroundandbeingabusedbytheSuitors,whojeeredandthrew
thingsathim.UnfortunatelyIcouldnottellmytwelvemaidswhohereallywas,so
theycontinuedtheirrudenesstoTelemachus,andjoinedtheSuitorsintheirinsults.
MelanthoofthePrettyCheekswasparticularlycutting,Iwastold.Iresolvedto
interposemyselfwhenthetimewasright,andtotellOdysseusthatthegirlshad
beenactingundermydirection.
WheneveningcameIarrangedtoseethesupposedbeggarinthenow‐emptyhall.
HeclaimedtohavenewsofOdysseus–hespunaplausibleyarn,andassuredmethat
Odysseuswouldbehomesoon,andIshedtearsandsaidIfeareditwasnotso,astravelers
hadbeentellingmethesamesortofthingforyears.Idescribedmysufferingsatlength,and
mylongingformyhusband–betterheshouldhearallthiswhileintheguiseofavagabond,
ashewouldbemoreinclinedtobelieveit.
ThenIflatteredhimbyconsultinghimforadvice.Iwasresolved–Isaid–to
bringoutthegreatbowofOdysseus,theonewithwhichhe'dshotanarrowthrough
twelvecircularaxe‐handles–anastoundingaccomplishment–andchallengethe
Suitorstoduplicatethefeat,offeringmyselfastheprize.Surelythatwouldbringan
26 THEPENELOPIAD
end,onewayoranother,totheintolerablesituationinwhichIfoundmyselfWhat
didhethinkofthatplan?
Hesaiditwasanexcellentidea.
ThesongsclaimthatthearrivalofOdysseusandmydecisiontosetthetestof
thebowandaxescoincidedbyaccident–orbydivineplan,whichwasourwayof
puttingitthen.Nowyou'veheardtheplaintruth.IknewthatonlyOdysseuswould
beabletoperformthisarcherytrick.IknewthatthebeggarwasOdysseus.There
wasnocoincidence.Isetthewholethinguponpurpose.
Growingconfidentialwiththepurportedseedytramp,Ithenrelatedadream
ofmine.Itconcernedmyflockoflovelywhitegeese,geeseofwhichIwasveryfond.
Idreamtthattheywerehappilypeckingaroundtheyardwhenahugeeaglewitha
crookedbeakswoopeddownandkilledthemall,whereuponIweptandwept.
Odysseus‐the‐beggarinterpretedthisdreamforme:theeaglewasmy
husband,thegeeseweretheSuitors,andtheonewouldshortlyslaytheothers.He
saidnothingaboutthecrookedbeakoftheeagle,ormyloveforthegeeseandmy
anguishattheirdeaths.
Intheevent,Odysseuswaswrongaboutthedream.Hewasindeedtheeagle,
butthegeesewerenottheSuitors.Thegeeseweremytwelvemaids,asIwassoon
tolearntomyunendingsorrow.
There'sadetailtheymakemuchofinthesongs.Iorderedthemaidstowashthe
feetofOdysseus‐the‐mendicant,andherefused,sayinghecouldonlyallowhisfeet
tobewashedbyonewhowouldnotderidehimforbeinggnarledandpoor.Ithen
proposedoldEurycleiaforthetask,awomanwhosefeetwereaslackingin
aestheticvalueashisown.Grumbling,shesettowork,notsuspectingthebooby
trapI'dplacedreadyforher.Soonshefoundthelongscarfamiliartoherfromthe
many,manytimesshe'dperformedthesameserviceforOdysseus.Atthispointshe
letoutayelpofjoyandupsetthebasinofwateralloverthefloor,andOdysseus
almostthrottledhertokeepherfromgivinghimaway.
THEPENELOPIAD 27
ThesongssayIdidn'tnoticeathingbecauseAthenahaddistractedme.Ifyou
believethat,you'llbelieveallsortsofnonsense.InrealityI'dturnedmybackonthe
twoofthemtohidemysilentlaughteratthesuccessofmylittlesurprise.
(Penelopenextrefutessomeoftheslanderousgossipthathasbeenspreadabout
heroverthelastseveralthousandyears;thensheandHelenhaveaconversationabout
howmanymenwerekilledoverthetwoofthem.Inthenextchapter,shedescribesthe
deathofhermaids.)
28 THEPENELOPIAD
ODYSSEUS AND TELEMACHUS SNUFF THE MAIDS
Isleptthroughthemayhem.HowcouldIhavedonesuchathing?Isuspect
Eurycleiaputsomethinginthecomfortingdrinkshegaveme,tokeepmeoutofthe
actionandstopmefrominterfering.NotthatIwouldhavebeenintheaction
anyway:Odysseusmadesureallthewomenwerelockedsecurelyintothewomen's
quarter.
Eurycleiadescribedthewholethingtome,andtoanyoneelsewhowould
listen.First,shesaid,Odysseus–stillintheguiseofabeggar–watchedwhile
Telemachussetupthetwelveaxes,andthenwhiletheSuitorsfailedtostringhis
famousbow.Thenhegotholdofthebowhimself,andafterstringingitand
shootinganarrowthroughthetwelveaxes–thuswinningmeashisbridefora
secondtime–heshotAntinousinthethroat,threwoffhisdisguise,andmade
mincemeatofeverylastoneoftheSuitors,firstwitharrows,thenwithspearsand
swords.Telemachusandtwofaithfulherdsmenhelpedhim;neverthelessitwasa
considerablefeat.TheSuitorshadafewspearsandswords,suppliedtothemby
Melanthius,atreacherousgoatherd,butnoneofthishardwarewasofanyhelpto
themintheend.
Eurycleiatoldmehowsheandtheotherwomenhadcowerednearthe
lockeddoor,listeningtotheshoutsandthesoundsofbreakingfurniture,andthe
groansofthedying.Shethendescribedthehorrorthathappenednext.
Odysseussummonedher,andorderedhertopointoutthemaidswhohad
been,ashecalledit,'disloyal'.Heforcedthegirlstohaulthedeadbodiesofthe
Suitorsoutintothecourtyard–includingthebodiesoftheirerstwhilelovers–and
THEPENELOPIAD 29
towashthebrainsandgoreoffthefloor,andtocleanwhateverchairsandtables
remainedintact.
Then–Eurycleiacontinued–hetoldTelemachustochopthemaidsinto
pieceswithhissword.Butmyson,wantingtoasserthimselftohisfather,andto
showthatheknewbetter–hewasatthatage–hangedthemallinarowfroma
ship'shawser.
Rightafterthat,saidEurycleia–whocouldnotdisguisehergloatingpleasure
–OdysseusandTelemachushackedofftheearsandnoseandhandsandfeetand
genitalsofMelanthiustheevilgoatherdandthrewthemtothedogs,payingno
attentiontothepoorman'sagonizedscreams.'Theyhadtomakeanexampleof
him,'saidEurycleia,'todiscourageanyfurtherdefections.'
'Butwhichmaids?'Icried,beginningtoshedtears.'Dear,gods–whichmaids
didtheyhang?'
'Mistress,dearchild,'saidEurycleia,anticipatingmydispleasure,'hewanted
tokillthemall!Ihadtochoosesome–otherwiseallwouldhaveperished!'
'Whichones?'Isaid,tryingtocontrolmyemotions.
'Onlytwelve,'shefaltered.'Theimpertinentones.Theoneswho'dbeenrude.
Theoneswhousedtothumbtheirnosesatme.MelanthoofthePrettyCheeksand
hercronies–thatlot.Theywerenotoriouswhores.'
'Theoneswho'dbeenraped,'Isaid.'Theyoungest.Themostbeautiful.'My
eyesandearsamongtheSuitors,Ididnotadd.Myhelpersduringthelongnightsof
theshroud.Mysnow‐whitegeese.Mythrushes,mydoves.
Itwasmyfault!Ihadn'ttoldherofmyscheme.'Theyletitgototheirheads,'
saidEurycleiadefensively.'Itwouldn'thavedoneforKingOdysseustoallowsuch
impertinentgirlstocontinuetoserveinthepalace.Hecouldneverhavetrusted
them.Nowcomedownstairs,dearchild.Yourhusbandiswaitingtoseeyou.'
30 THEPENELOPIAD
WhatcouldIdo?Lamentationwouldn'tbringmylovelygirlsbacktolife.I
bitmytongue.It'sawonderIhadanytongueleft,sofrequentlyhadIbittenitover
theyears.
Deadisdead,Itoldmyself.I’llsayprayersandperformsacrificesfortheir
souls.ButI’llhavetodoitinsecret,orOdysseuswillsuspectme,aswell.
Therecouldbeamoresinisterexplanation.WhatifEurycleiawasawareofmy
agreementwiththemaids–oftheirspyingontheSuitorsforme,ofmyordersto
themtobehaverebelliously?Whatifshesingledthemoutandhadthemkilledout
ofresentmentatbeingexcludedandthedesiretoretainherinsidepositionwith
Odysseus?
Ihaven'tbeenabletoconfrontheraboutit,downhere.She'sgotholdofa
dozendeadbabies,andisalwaysbusytendingthem.Happilyforhertheywillnever
growup.WheneverIapproachandtrytoengageherinconversationshesays,
'Later,mychild.Graciousme,I'vegotmyhandsfull!Lookattheittypretty–a
wugglewugglewoo!'
SoI’llneverknow.
THEPENELOPIAD 31
HEARTOFFLINT
Idescendedthestaircase,consideringmychoices.I’dpretendednottobelieve
EurycleiawhenshetoldmethatitwasOdysseuswho'dkilledtheSuitors.Perhaps
thismanwasanimposter,I’dsaid–howwouldIknowwhatOdysseuslookedlike
now,aftertwentyyears?IwasalsowonderinghowImustseemtohim.I’dbeen
veryyoungwhenhe'dsailedaway;nowIwasamatron.Howcouldhefailtobe
disappointed?
Idecidedtomakehimwait:Imyselfhadwaitedlongenough.AlsoIwould
needtimeinordertofullydisguisemytruefeelingsabouttheunfortunatehanging
ofmytwelveyoungmaids.
SowhenIenteredthehallandsawhimsittingthere,Ididn'tsayathing.
Telemachuswastednotime:almostimmediatelyhewasscoldingmefornotgiving
awarmerwelcometohisfather.Flinty‐hearted,hecalledmescornfully.Icouldsee
hehadarosylittlepictureinhismind:thetwoofthemsidingagainstme,grown
mentogether,tworoostersinchargeofthehenhouse.OfcourseIwantedthebest
forhim–hewasmyson,Ihopedhewouldsucceed,asapoliticalleaderorawarrior
orwhateverhewantedtobe–butatthatmomentIwishedtherewouldbeanother
TrojanWarsoIcouldsendhimofftoitandgethimoutofmyhair.Boyswiththeir
firstbeardscanbeathoroughpainintheneck.
ThehardnessofmyheartwasanotionIwasgladtofoster,however,asit
wouldreassureOdysseustoknowIhadn'tbeenthrowingmyselfintothearmsof
everymanwho’dturnedupclaimingtobehim.SoIlookedathimblankly,andsaid
itwastoomuchformetoswallow,theideathatthisdirty,blood‐smearedvagabond
wasthesameasmyfinehusbandwhohadsailedaway,sobeautifullydressed,
twentyyearsbefore.
32 THEPENELOPIAD
Odysseusgrinned–hewaslookingforwardtothebigrevelationscene,the
partwhereIwouldsay,‘Itwasyouallalong!Whataterrificdisguise!'andthrowmy
armsaroundhisneck.Thenhewentofftotakeamuch‐neededbath.Whenhecame
backincleanclothes,smellingagooddealbetterthanwhenhe'dgone,Icouldn't
resistteasinghimonelasttime.IorderedEurycleiatomovethebedoutsidethe
bedroomofOdysseus,andtomakeitupforthestranger.
You'llrecallthatonepostofthisbedwascarvedfromatreestillrootedin
theground.NobodyknewaboutitexceptOdysseus,myself,andmymaidActoris,
fromSparta,whobythattimewaslongdead.
Assumingthatsomeonehadcutthroughhischerishedbedpost,Odysseus
losthistemperatonce.OnlythendidIrelent,andgothroughthebusinessof
recognizinghim.Ishedasatisfactorynumberoftears,andembracedhim,and
claimedthathe'dpassedthebedposttest,andthatIwasnowconvinced.
Andsoweclimbedintotheverysamebedwherewe'dspentagreatmanyhappy
hourswhenwewerefirstmarried,beforeHelentookitintoherheadtorunoffwith
Paris,lightingthefiresofwarandbringingdesolationtomyhouse.Iwasgladit
wasdarkbythen,asintheshadowswebothappearedlesswizenedthanwewere.
'We'renotspringchickensanymore,'Isaid.
'Thatwhichweare,weare,'saidOdysseus.
Afteralittletimehadpassedandwewerefeelingpleasedwitheachother,
wetookupouroldhabitsofstory‐telling.Odysseustoldmeofallhistravelsand
difficulties–thenoblerversions,withthemonstersandthegoddesses,ratherthan
themoresordidoneswiththeinnkeepersandwhores.Herecountedthemanylies
he'dinvented,thefalsenameshe'dgivenhimself–tellingtheCyclopshisnamewas
NoOnewasthecleverestofsuchtricks,thoughhe'dspoileditbyboasting–andthe
fraudulentlifehistorieshe'dconcoctedforhimself,thebettertoconcealhisidentity
andhisintentions.Inmyturn,IrelatedthetaleoftheSuitors,andmytrickwiththe
shroudofLaertes,andmydeceitfulencouragingsoftheSuitors,andtheskilfulways
THEPENELOPIAD 33
inwhichI'dmisdirectedthemandledthemonandplayedthemoffagainstone
another.
Thenhetoldmehowmuchhe'dmissedme,andhowhe'dbeenfilledwith
longingformeevenwhenenfoldedinthewhitearmsofgoddesses;andItoldhim
howverymanytearsI'dshedwhilewaitingtwentyyearsforhisreturn,andhow
tediouslyfaithfulI'dbeen,andhowIwouldneverhaveevensomuchasthoughtof
betrayinghisgiganticbedwithitswondrousbedpostbysleepinginitwithany
otherman.
Thetwoofuswere–byourownadmissionproficientandshamelessliarsof
longstanding.It'sawondereitheroneofusbelievedawordtheothersaid.
Butwedid.
Orsowetoldeachother.
NosoonerhadOdysseusreturnedthanheleftagain.Hesaidthat,muchashehated
totearhimselfawayfromme,he'dhavetogoadventuringagain.He'dbeentoldby
thespiritoftheseerTeiresiasthathewouldhavetopurifyhimselfbycarryingan
oarsofarinlandthatthepeopletherewouldmistakeitforawinnowingfan.Onlyin
thatwaycouldherinsethebloodoftheSuitorsfromhimself,avoidtheirvengeful
ghostsandtheirvengefulrelatives,andpacifytheangerofthesea‐godPoseidon,
whowasstillfuriouswithhimforblindinghissontheCyclops.
It.wasalikelystory.Butthen,allofhisstorieswerelikely.
(TheentiremanuscriptofthistextisavailablefromAmazon.com,aswellasfromvarious
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