The alternate Primarch story p2

8/12/2019 The alternate Primarch story p2

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= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHT***= = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: Blessed be sock that is never lost, for many an Exterminatus wasconducted by an irate Inquisitor with a single bare foot

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after a

crushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now findthemselves aboard armaster !"ekyle Abaddon#s flagship, the Vengeful Sirit III,hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt togain more than a polite mention in the next $odex: $haos %pace &arines'

After a rude interruption by a random encounter, our (sometimes) heroes press

onwards, their *P +uota satisfied for today, but the +uestion has to be asked '''

Ferrus: !"here did Sanguinius go#!

Mortarion:!$e vanished as soon as $orus aeared!%

Horus: !$ah& 'he feathered cowered& (lways a bad loser, remember the hoto)shoot for&en of the reat $rusadecalender way back when#!

Lorgar:!I remember the stro he went into after they insisted on lacing you as *+r%

ecember*!

Horus: !-ood times %%%!

Mortarion: !"e*re not going to have a flashback are we# 'hose things give me .et)lag %%%!

Lorgar: !$ow the hell does that work#!

Sanguinius:!$alt&!

Perturabo: !"hat the %%% #!

Ferrus: !'here you are&!

Angron: !/ice katana&!

Lorgar: !/ice yellow .umsuit %%%!

Sanguinius: !Save your breath 0orgar, for I have a 12 Save against your sarcasm ) and

I assed&&!

Magnus: 3flicking through rulebook4 !"here does it say that#!

Lorgar: !5ut the rulebook down +agnus, he*s making a lame attemt at a .oke, and ahomage by the looks of his attire!%

Horus: !So kiddo, is this the rematch#!

Sanguinius: !6ou better believe it& So come at thee& 0et us clash swords and decide

once and for all who should have worn the title of "armaster&!

Horus: !6eah %%% with what# I have no arms!%

Sanguinius: !"hat# Since when# $ow did I not notice that before#!

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Magnus: !"ell if eole would ut some ranks into Sot, maybe this wouldn*t come as a

surrise to you!%

Horus: !+y fault7 I should have tought (baddon how to undo safety stras on 0ightning8laws% $e got a bit imatient in his hurry to loot the gear he tore my arms off with the

'alons% 9nfortunately, while my uber)5rimarch)regeneration skills have recovered fromdad*s 1nd Ed sychic megadeath blast, they can*t regrow entire limbs% I need to getthem reattached, which means finding out where E:ekyle ut the damn things!%

Mortarion: !Bummer %%%!

Horus: !'ell me about it, I haven*t)!

Lorgar: 3cough4

Horus: !In millennia %%%!

Lorgar: !$orus, try and remember this is a 5-);< forum %%%!

Horus: !Sorry% (nyway, how about we ut this on hold until I get my arms back#!

Angron: !6ou did > against those Bloodthirster %%%!

Horus: 3whisering4 !I don*t have 28haos to all my stats this time& "hat am I going todo, kick him to death#!

Angron: !8huck /orris could do it %%%!

Horus: !0eave granda out of this&!

Sanguinius: !Very well, this shall wait until the fight is fair&!

Perturabo: !'hat is why you lose %%%!

Sanguinius: !eends on the game7 when did you last get a girlfriend#!

Mortarion: !ude %%% owned!%

Perturabo: !Shut it&!

Horus: !Enough, the (uditorium is before us& 0et us enter and instruct E:ekyle on the

new order of things&!

Angron: !$ell yeah&!

Lorgar: !(ngron, ut the Bloodthirsters dow) %%% wait, why have you attached themtogether with a chain#!

Angron: !+y new invention ) Blood)chucks&& ?ust swing them around and they do all thehitting for you&!

Lorgar: !+y brain hurts %%%!

3$orus kicks the door oen, which squeels in ain and runs away4

Horus: !E:ekyle&&&!

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3(baddon looks at $orus from where he is held five feet above the ground by a very

angry)looking @oboute -uilliman% $e swings rach*nyen through -uilliman without anyeffect4

Abaon:!$orus& o something& 'hey took away the insta)kill function last edition&&!

Horus: !Aear no more& 8ur:e&!

!onra Cur"e: 3aearing from the darkness to throw a small red white ball before

@oboute4 !I choose you +*0hindi&!

3the ball os oen, and a 8allidus assassin aears% 'hrusting her 8*tan 5hase swordinto @oboute*s groin% 'he 5rimarch collases as everyone in the (uditorium winces and

clutches their own resective anatomy% 'he 8allidus grins, then os back into the ball4

Cur"e: !-ood girl% She levelled u from that encounter&!

Lorgar: !>onrad&& 6ou*re alive& (nd still collecting assassins so it seems %%%!

Cur"e: !Indeed, I have a coule more 8allidus* in my collection as well as Vindicare,8ulexus, Evesor, and some Venenom!%

Magnus: !Still no Vanus#!

Cur"e: 3shakes his head4 !'hat*s an ultimate rare&!

Lorgar: !/o matter, it*s good to have you back% 'hat .ust leaves Vulkan %%%!

#u$%an: !id somebody call my name#!

3theme music begins %%%

ho#s that cool-ass Primarchwho#s a sex machine to all the chicks.

(/ulkan0)1ou#re damn right '''

ho is the manho would risk his neck for a brother marine.(/ulkan0)$an ya dig it.

Mortarion: !"ait %%% that doesn*t even rhyme&

Lorgar: 3dancing along with everyone else4 !So# ?ust get down with the beat&!

Mortarion: !6ou*re all sad %%% if anyone wants me I*ll be in my corner %%%!

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER EIGHT***= = = = = = = =

ho#s the li"ard that won#t know fearhen there#s danger all about(/ulkan0)

2ight on

1ou see this li"ard /ulkan is a bad mother--(Lorgar: 3P$-45003)

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6ut 7#m talkin# about /ulkan(Then we can dig it)

He#s a complicated Primarch6ut no one understands him but his flamers(/ulkan00)

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER &I&E***= = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day: (steroids are exensive% n a budget for the aocalyse# rderyour Exterminatus now for a reduced 8hristmas rice& 8urtesy of your Ariendly

/eighbourhood Inquistion%

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after acrushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now findthemselves aboard armaster !"ekyle Abaddon#s flagship, the Vengeful Sirit III,hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt togain more than a polite mention in the next $odex: $haos %pace &arines'

2e8oined with their dead, missing, and (in one case) supposedly-utterly-annihilatedbrothers, our (when they can be bothered) heroes now confront the ob8ect of ten

thousand years of frustration - former first company captain, now self-declaredarmaster, !"ekyle Abaddon'

Lorgar: !I say we force him to listen to +ort*s entire collection!%

Perturabo: !By the -ods man& I know we*re suosed to be evil, but there is a $i'it&!

Mortarion: 3giant bundles of aer in his massive, us)ridden hands4 !5lease& It*ll benice to read to someone other than -randay /urgle&!

Perturabo: !"ar hel anyone other than the only sentient creature more deressedthan you are who hears the oor excuse for *emotional literature* that you call oetry!%

Mortarion: 3eyes begin to bubble with diseased)infested tears4

Perturabo: !h for the love of %%%!

Horus: !Cuiet, all of you!%

Perturabo: !$ey, don*t come back after ten thousand years and think you still own the

lace ) we*ve moved on& "e*re older and wiser and we don*t need you to tell us what to

do anymore#!

Abaon: !h really# (nd what, ray tell, have you done in those ten thousand years$orus hasn*t been holding your hand#!

3silence4

Angron: !I failed to ravage a small hive world %%%!

Peturabo: !'hat seriously didn*t hel (ng %%% seriously didn*t hel!%

Magnus: !'hanks (ngron, what little self)esteem and confidence I have from being

ossibly the biggest nerd in the galaxy has now been violated like a fourteen)year)old?aanese schoolgirl in a Slaaneshi summoning ritual% Arom the bottom of my heart andwith all the sarcasm I can muster, I thank you% /ow, if anyone wants me, I*ll be with

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Aerrus surfing Dchan %%%!

Angron: !Sheesh %%% a simle *shut it* would have sufficed% /o need for the grahicanalogy %%%!

Horus: !(baddon, however, and for the first time in years, does have a oint% 6ou,

collectively, including you my loyalist brothers, have done squat)all for ten thousandyears!%

Rano' S(uat: !$ey&!

Horus: !h sorry, that was exceedingly olitically incorrect of me!%

Rano' S(uat: !amn straight&!

Lorgar: !I thought you guys were ret)conned out last edition#!

Rano' S(uat: !(ye& But think about it& ur homeworlds ere eaten by the bugs, but

)ustour homeworlds& "e squats are everywhere7 it*s not as if the bugs can track all ofus down no matter where we are&! 3bursts into laughter&4

3( 0ictor bursts from the shadows, ins the squat to the ground and quicky devours

him, disaearing afterwards as suddenly as it had aeared4

Lorgar: !6eah, you were .ust asking for that!%

Horus: !(nyway, where was I# (h yes, (baddon*s oint %%%!

Tari% Torgaon: !Bloody hell& ( oint& E::i, make a oint& "e*ll see igs flying noweh#! 3barrels a huge aemonic elbow into (baddon*s side4

Abaon: 3rolling eyes4 !"hatever% (llow me to reintroduce you to your +ournival

$orus, this irritating excuse for a aemon 5rince is 'orgaddon, revious second comanycatain, now ermanent shi*s .ester!%

Torgaon: !See, when you become! 3wiggles fingers4 !*corruted* by 8haos yourmain ersonality trait is enhanced to the oint where anything else is forgotten,rendering you a two)dimensional caricature% Being the token *funnyman* of the grou,my entire existence is now built around making endless unfunny .okes about anysituation that occurs!%

Abaon !$e will die again in a moment as well% (hriman, re another soul)binding

ritual!%

Ahri'an !h, for the love of %%% > someone get me another cute furry animal& I needsomething cute and innocent for the sacrifice&!

Thra$$ i"ar: !"e*ve got akota Aanning out back!%

Ahri'an: !'hat*ll do!%

Abaon: 3gestures to a rather normal)looking Sace +arine bound by various

aemonic 8hains4 !I*m sure you remember -arviel 0oken#!

Lo%en: !9nbind me E:ekyle& Aace the wrath of the Emeror& 6ou will ay for your sins&5ay for the deaths of every innocent you butchered& In the name of .ustice and the

Imerial 'ruth&!

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Lorgar: !$as he always been such a FFFF#!

Abaon: !$e was the main character for the first three $orus $eresy novels, and beinga Black 0ibrary main character is a walking self)righteous moralistic do)gooder .ust incase the reader is under the mistaken imression he*s reading a %tar arsnovel!%

Lo%en: !If you had a lightsaber E:ekyle, it would be red %%% so very re++!

Abaon: !6eah, because we naturally colour)code villains for your convenience %%%!

3rolls eyes4

Lorgar: !'hat also exlains the overabundance of sikes around the lace in recentyears %%%!

Abaon: !6eah, I*m getting those all removed ) health and safety ha:ards!%

Horus: !-arvi still loyalist I see# "hy do you kee him around#!

Abaon: !'o ignore him!%

Lo%en: !If you hadn*t turned traitor E:ekyle, we would be laying with Assau$t

Cannonsby now&& (SS(90' 8(///S EGE>60E& $E(V6 A9@ @E/I/-("ES+E/ESS&& E+5E@@ $E05 +E I $('E 69 S +98$&&!

Abaon: !I think he*s annoyed about something %%% anyway, lastly we come to $orus(ximand, who*s oinions I do ocassionally listen to %%% once a millennia or two %%%!

,Litt$e, Horus A-i'an !8heers E:ekyle, it*s good to see you again $orus!

Horus: !0ikewise, although I think you need a new nickname% 8an*t call you *0ittle $orus*anymore when you look like that% I don*t have quite so many teeth %%% or mouths %%% or

heads for that matter %%%!

Lorgar: !(nd he*s significantly larger than you %%% by a good forty feet!%

Horus: !Indeed %%% -argantuan 8reature by any chance#!

A-i'an: 3grins4

Magnus: 3looking u from the hololithic monitor4 !( brother in 9nit 'ye&!

Horus: !Excellent, now move your ungodly 'oughness and "ounds over a bit so I cansit down next to E:ekyle %%% you owe me some arms by the way!%

Abaon: !I*ll have to ask Aabius to grow some new ones, I sold the old on "arBay!%

Horus: !"hat#!

Abaon: !I needed the cash, and you*d be surrised how much eole will ay for aiece of a celebrity!%

Mortarion: !'hen why won*t any of my oems get a bid %%%#!

A$$: !Because you suck&!

Mortarion: !(nd you wonder why I*m deressed all the time %%% 0oken, will you be my

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friend#!

Lo%en: !I may be the good guy but have to draw the line somewhere %%% now if you*llexcuse me ) $E(V6 A9@ @E/I/-&&&!

Abaon: !'$I@'6 5I/' 'E@+I/('@S&&&!

Lo%en: !oh %%% touche!= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER &I&E***= = = = = = = =

9h when will the pain end.The eternal suffering of my mind'

hen will the pain be over,it burns inside like a thousand knives'

et me end, let me go,pass into the endless nothing'7 wish to do, how 7 do so,to leave this world and embrace

the entropic bliss of nothing'

Praise be to ;urgle00- 3!ntropic 6liss3, by &ortarion'

5F@FIF+F(F@F8F$FS= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TE&***= = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day:@emember ) when set alight, sto, dro, and roll those H*s&



ith introductions between the two ma8ors $haos powers - the Primarchs of old, and thefollowers of Abaddon who have en8oyed a ten thousand year long frat party without theadults around - now complete, $haos


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Strange .o'an: !h $orus darling %%% don*t you want me anymore#!

Stranger .o'an: !h %%% how disaointing% Esecially when he was so much fun totoy with %%% like a little uet with a ull)string %%% a cheese ull string, with califlower %%%so many catch)hrases %%%!

Fat 'an:!"hat in the infinite hells are you babbling about#!

/u$%y 'an:!on*t even bother, its mind works in ways beyond our understanding!%

Strange .o'an: !5erhas .ust yours %%% we all know there*s nothing much going on uthere, darling, than thoughts of blood %%%!3sucks her fingers absent)mindedly4

Horus: !I would say it*s a lesant surrise to see you all here, but that would be the

biggest lie since I sent out all those invites for Istvaan +ash)9 +%


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Ahri'an: 3shudders4 !Ergh %%%!

Angron:!>ee away from anything I want to cut u!

/u$%y 'an 0 !horne:!'hat*s the sirit& I see you*ve learnt well& "hat*s that you*re

holding#!

Angron: !Blood)chucks& +y own invention&!

!horne: !'ell me more %%%!

Abaon: !Is everyone here yet# I want to get this meeting started soon!%

Lorgar: !"ell we*re still missing a few %%%!

3doors burst oen4

Abaon: !h for the love of %%% does anyonein this galaxy know how to oen doors#'$E6 $(VE +'I/ SE/SES A@ 8@6I/- 9' 09&!

Le'an Russ: !(nd they sensed my motion&! 3dee laughter of the Brian Blessed kind4

Cora-: !5itiful %%%!

!han: 3iercing stare4

Lorgar: !@uss, orn, 8orax, and >han& I*m glad you guys could make it% -ood to seeyou again >han&!


Lorgar: !Erm %%% how have you been#!


Lorgar: !-ood tour#!


Lorgar: !Erm %%% well you*re as talkative as ever %%% I think we*re ready to being now(baddon %%%!

Cora-: !So this is /urgle, good to meet you!

&urg$e:!8orax& I admire your oetry %%% it seaks from the heart&!

Cora-: !Ainally someone who understands my ain&!

Lorgar:3rolls eyes4

Fu$gri': !@9SS& -E' ("(6 A@+ +6 -&& Slaanesh ut him down ) you don*t know

where he*s been&!

S$aanesh:!on*t care darling %%%!

Russ: !"ait, Slaanesh#& 6a said yer name wa (gnus&!

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Abaon: !8an -ods, 5rimarchs, and us *mere* mortals take our seats before I start

breaking out the Strength hurt#!

3everyone ignores him4

Abaon: !0(S' /E ' SI' "/ -E'S ( A@EE 856 A '$E ("/ A "(@'@I0-6 SI-/E B6 8 S -''&!

3everyone is seated4

Abaon: !+ortarion, sitting inside /urgle doesn*t count% So here*s your book %%%!

Mortarion: !'(>E I' ("(6& '$E "@S ) '$E6 B9@/ +6 5@E8I9S E6ES&&!

Abaon: !@ight, agenda number one %%%!

3mass snoring4

Abaon: !It*s going to be one of those days %%%!

GREAT #2ICE 2F AES2ME: !'$E/ 0E' +E SI+50IA6 I'&!

3all eyes turn to the doorway, where a great golden weelchair is being ushed in by a

cloaked figure% 9on the weelchair sits '$E E+5E@@ A +(/>I/&4

Horus:!A('$E@&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !$orus& It has been too long&!

Horus:!I am sorry for what I have done, do you forgive me father#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !f course my son %%% but you*re still grounded for an eon!%

Horus: 3bows head4 !I understand father %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !(nd I*m taking your Jbox away for the duration!

Horus:!ad& I was going to lay that when E:ekyle grew my arms back&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'ough %%% and @uss, Sanguinius, @oboute, 8orax, Vulkan,Aerrus, >han, and orn lease get u& Send any more time enitent and I*ll class it as

worshi, and you know what I do to worshiers#!

Lorgar: !'he horror %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !0orgar still remembers% @ight, E:ekyle, mind if I take over#!

Abaon: !o I have a choice#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!/ot at all% @ight, I now with my owers of suremeawesomeness declare this 8hater ended&!

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TE&***= = = = = = = =

Dorn: !"ait %%% haven*t we forgotten someone#!

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***CHAPTER ELE#E&***= = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day:( -rot is for life, not .ust for 8hristmas% -ive your -rot over tothe >iller >an 8harity Aor +aking 9se f ur -retchin&



ith the arrival of TH! !&P!292 9= &A;>7;D0, the =orces of $urrently horne, /urgle an':eentch by itse$fwas a retty

stuid idea!%

T"eent1h:!5eanut colon, sideways inuendo with cheese%

S$aanesh:!She says *you wish*% +e, on the other hand baby, I*m all Eldar% ne hundredand one ercent %%%!

Mortarion:!0ooks like someone needs to learn basic maths again %%%!

S$aanesh:!on*t make me come over there and give you affection&!

Mortarion: !5ositive emotional connections& >EE5 '$E+ ("(6 A@+ +E&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !"hen you two have quite finished#!

3silence4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !Excellent %%% now7 onto more serious matters)!

Lorgar: !"e*re not shifting the tone of this scrit already are we#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !/o we*re not, now with all my sureme +erret)given

owers of absolute awesomeness I demand SI0E/8E&!

3cricket chirs4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: 3deathly ga:e4

3cricket exlodes4

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EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !@ight %%% where was I# (h yes %%% we*re gathered here today,all of us)!

Dorn: !0ion*s still missing!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !+S' of us ) I*ll give 0ion a "ar)mail of this meeting*s

contents later when the la:y git wakes u ) are gathered here today with the same singleburning desire held within their soul&!

Lorgar:!6ou want to go back to the ub too#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !"hat# /o&!

Angron:!6ou want a Bloodthirster)morningstar#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !$ow does that work# I +E(/ /&&!

S$aanesh:!arling, I rea$$ydoubt you want what I want %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'hat we*re in agreement over %%%!

Ferrus:!ad %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !A@ '$E 0(S' 'I+E I (+ &2T5(6I/- A@ 69@

9/0I+I'E "(@5B(/ (88ESS& 6ou can ay for your own damned torrenting %%%!

Ferrus: 3shrug4 !"orth a shot %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!(/6/E E0SE#!

3cricket chirs4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !@E?E8'E&!

3cricket is torn inside out, then exlodes4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !Aor the love of %%% >, back to the main storyline %%% '$E8*'(/&&!

3general boos and hissess erut from the audience4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !/ice resonse %%% these damn so)called *-ods* must go& I

cannot stand seeing highly advanced, suer)intelligent, ultra)owerful immortal energybeings assing themselves off as deities!%

Lorgar:!6ou were -ene @oddenberry in a ast life weren*t you#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!I may have been %%% but that*s immaterial!

S$aanesh: 3holding u a small ocket)dimension of "ar)matter4 !/o, thisisimmaterial&!

3cricket lays the drums ) ba boom da&4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!/' A9//6&!

3cricket turns inside out, sontaneously combusts, then exlodes4

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EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !$ow many of the damn things are there#!

Abaon: !Sorry, I*ve been meaning to call est control for a while %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !-et around to it %%% right!3comoses himself4 !'he 8*tan

are immensely owerful, and desite having layable stats for several editions now aresignificantly more owerful than we are% 'hey also have legions of undying servants, anda good hold over half the (detus +echanicus% 'heir insidious cult is sreading fasterthan an S'I on a college camus ) S'5 -@I//I/- S0((/ES$& ) and within the century

they could have a destructive hold uon the misguided citi:ens of the Imerium% "eneed to destroy this menace once and for all& 'o do to them what the 'yranids did to the

Squats %%% only without leaving a die)hard fanbase in its wake% "ith me so far#!

Peturabo: !Sorry you lost us when you said you weren*t more owerful than the 8*tan!%

Russ: !(ye% 'ha* concet takes some ge*in used to!%

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: 3shrugs4 !$ey, I hit on a E @(-E&&&4

!horne:!"ord of advice ) don*t mention the ex)boyfriend% 'hey have a history!%

Angron: !(h %%% cheers!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !(ny further interrutions#!

3cricket %%%4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !on*t even think about it& 'he 8*tan are owerful, but theyhave a weakness& "e must strike them when they were at their most vulnerable, whenthey did not have the allies they have now& "e must travel back in time and destroythem when they are young and weak&!

Magnus: !'ime)travel# But this setting doesn*t have such a science fiction stale&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'hat*s where you fail %%% for this franchise does have a way

of traversing time% "hen our universe was .oined to that of arhammer =antasy 6attleswe shared the same small hoe that one day arhammer Armies: =ishmenwill see the

light of day& ( small iece of background leaked onto the "arnet soke of the greatdeity of the Aishmen ) '$E AIS$ A 'I+E&!

3dramatic music4

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !"ow, that cricket*s actually quite useful% 6ou may live mylittle furry friend!%

Dorn: !But where may we find this Aish of 'ime#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'he Aishmen reside beyond the established canonbackground ) beyond the -ates of Varl&!

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Cora-: !But how to ass through the -ates# 'hey are rotected by eliberateBackground (mbiguity&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'he Eldar hold the way& 'hey alone know of the six >eys ofVarl that will unlock the way&!

Fu$gri': !'he Eldar#!

E$ra 3$thran4 Cos'o5o$iton,s &o67 Most E$igib$e /a1he$or: !$e seaks the truth&"e Eldar are once again your only hoe, itiful $umans& >arma sucks big)time doesn*t

it#!

Abaon: !$ow the hell do these eole kee aearing insie the su55ose$y 'osthea8i$y efene roo' in this shi5+"here the hell is my security& "ho*s in charge of

them anyway#!

Torgaon: !h %%% that*s me!%

Abaon: 3face)alms4

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER TEL#E***= = = = = = = =

E11$esiar1hy Pub$i1 Ser8i1e Announ1e'ent:Aight for the Emeror, and you may die%on*t fight for the Emeror, and you .i$$die% "e like making choices easy for you%

The story so far: After spending ten thousand years drinking off their depression after acrushing defeat at the climax of the Horus Heresy, the Daemon Primarchs now findthemselves aboard armaster !"ekyle Abaddon#s flagship, the Vengeful Sirit III,hoping to regain their shattered pride, fix some broken ego, and generally attempt togain more than a polite mention in the next $odex: $haos %pace &arines'

ith the knowledge of a great power, the Primarchs listen attentively to the reborn !ldar=arseer, !ldrad


15/28

''' starting now' Hey, this is kinda cool' Testing, testing ''' can you hear me all righteveryone.

A$$:!6es& /ow get on with it&!

=air enough' 9ur story continues with the arrival of the !ldar witch !ldrad eys and the mission our braveheroes must endure to save the galaxy from the perils of the $#tan '''

E$ra: !amn straight I will% -ods, heroes, mortals, and crickets, I stand before youreborn from the clutches of the corruted 'alisman&!

E$ar ai: !Er %%% sir# 9se of *corrut* to describe 8haos is being discouraged %%%!

E$ra:!"hat#!

E$ar ai: !It*s olitically incorrect sir, and insensitive to our 8haos allies% 'hey refer ifyou would use *alternative existential style* instead!

E$ra: !Bloody hell %%% oh very well I escaed from the *alternative existential styled*'alisman a new man, which greater owers, a new model ) sculted by ?es -oodwin noless& ) and sexy new rules!

Ahri'an:3reading 8odex Eldar, fifth edition4 !6ou can use ho. 'anyowers a'urn# 'hat*s .ust broken %%% who wrote this anyway#!

E$ra:!/ot -av 'hore, I can assure you% $e*s too busy with the fifth edition 8haosSace +arines %%%!

3deathly silence4

Page 15 of 28



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Mortarion: !I have a bad feeling about this guys %%%!

Ahri'an: 3Bolt 5istol to ear4 !"hat*s that you say trusty Inferno Bolts# (5 1# 'wowounds an a D2 Invulnerable Save# 5ete $aines made to lay 'housand Sons atgunoint# I sense a bright future ahead of us %%%!

Perturabo: 3reading over shoulder4 !ne wound bliterators# 8hoose a single weaonfor the entiregame# 'here*s backlash then there*s sing$e0'ine 8engean1e&!

Magnus:!h isn*t that sweet %% -av and (lessio sent me a birthday card %%%!

Perturabo: !"$('# h no.it*s ersonal&!

e'5eror of 'an%in: !5ersonal vendettas against the designers will have to wait until

the end of the camaign %%% wait %%% did you .ust sell my name in lower case#!

1eah' hat you going to do ''' Tracy.3

e'5eror of 'an%in: !6ou did not.ust call me by my name#!

E$ra:!*'racy*#! 3snigger4

e'5eror of 'an%in: !S$9' 95&!

Gos: !$ey 'racy&!

e'5eror of 'an%in: !C9IE'&!

3cricket chirs *'racy*4

e'5eror of 'an%in:!I*m going to sit with +ort in the corner %%%!

3cricket lays sad music on violin4

e'5eror of 'an%in:!/ow that*s .ust going too far!

Promise to behave.

e'5eror of 'an%in:! %%% alright!%

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !("ES+E& +y name*s back& "itness the awesomeness&!

E$ra:!"itnessed %%% whatever% (nyway, I*m back, all is good% /ow it*s time to kickass, 8*tanic ass that is% 'o ass through the -ates of Varl and obtain the ower of the

Aish of 'ime, one needs the six >eys of 8arl&!

Lorgar:!on*t you mean *Varl*#!

E$ra: !/o %%% 8arl% on*t you remember#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !I had their memories wied, along with all 0egionrecords %%%!

Perturabo:!0egions records# "ho*s 8arl#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !5rimarch of the Eleventh 0egion!%

Page 16 of 28



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Horus: !'here was a 5rimarch# I thought that was .ust a bad dream to convenientlyexlain away my surrisingly quick choice to side with 8haos#!

T"eent1h:!8urse +c/eil for condensing my seven thousand age argument into four&!

Magus:!$($& 6ou 1antalk sense if you want&!

T"eent1h: !I wasn*t talking sense7 you*re going insane so now you can understandme %%%!

Magnus:!h %%%!

T"eent1h: 3whisering to herself4!So easy %%%!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!9nfortunately not% (s quite clearly stated in multileublications all twenty 5rimarchs were found, although we had to get trid of two on thevery logical grounds% In 8arl*s case ) he was FFFFing la:y %%% hey I*m the E+5E@@ A+(/>I/& $ow dare you blee my swears&!

arseer rules ''' sorry'

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !But I*m the Emeror %%%%!

Lorgar:!So what haened to him#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !$e*s still robably la:ying about somewhere smoking,in.ecting, snorting and whatever else)ing various substances and watching endlessreeats of $heersin an effort to destroy what little brain cells he has left %%%!

Dorn:!"hat was his 0egion called#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!'he Aear 0oathers %%%!

Russ:!*an he has te keys#!

E$ra:!/o, unfortunately he lost them many thousands of years ago to ay for theentire V box set of =riends% 'heir current whereabouts are unknown, but I do haveclues to set us going&!

Sanguinius:!"ell tell us, and we shall be on our way&!

E$ra:!Very well orn, 5erturabo, and 8orax7 there*s a small rk Emire to the

galactic southeast that may hold clues to the $oe >ey& @uss, +agnus, and Aerrus7 headto @uins of (l*cir, the (ncient 8raftworld of esair for clues on the esair >ey& Vulkan,

@oboute, and (lharious can tackle the Aields of -lory for the -lory >ey& +ortarion,Sanguinius and Aulgrim can en.oy the lures of the aemonworld of Ibris for the esire>ey& >han, (ngron, and >onrad can tackle the Endless $ells of >ith for the Battle >ey&(nd 0ion, 0orgar and $orus can talk to the racle of blivion for the Ainal >ey&!

Lorgar: !Sounds like you know exactly where they are!%

E$ra: !nly becaused I scryed to the end of this lot!%

Lorgar: !Aair enough, do we win# (nd look goo#!

E$ra: !6eah %%% whatever!%

Page 17 of 28



18/28

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !Enough lot establishment& / "I'$ '$E 8@9S(E&5@I+(@8$S& /"(@S ' -0@6&!

A$$: 3rousing battle)cry4

3'he 5rimarchs leave the (uditorium, eager to being their new quest4

Abaon: !(nd what do we do#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !'ake back 'erra now I*ve give my useless sons something

to occuy themselves with!%

Abaon: !6ou mean that was all a lie#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+:!f course& Aish of 'ime# "hat nonsense& "e*ll win thiscamaign the old fashioned way& @olling lots of dice and killing things until they stomoving&!

Torgaon: !Er %%% sir# 5hone call for you!%

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !@eally#!3takes receiver4 !6eah#!

DECEI#ER: !$ey, 'racy)dude& It*s me, eceiver!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !h %%% hi!%

DECEI#ER:!?ust thought you*d like to know, as I*m sitting on your throne here on 'erra(00 69@ B(SE (@E ) 0I>E ''(006 ) BE0/- ' 9S&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !amnyou&!

DECEI#ER:!I*+ I/ 69@ B(SE, >I00I/- 69@ 9ES&&!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: 3slams receiver down4 !h, now it*s ersonal& +alcador&!

C$oa%e 'an: !6es sir#!

EMPER2R 2F MA&!I&D+: !-et me my Sword of a 'housand 'ruths& It*s time to wnsome /ecrons&!

Abaon: !(s soon as the 5rimarchs leave, set course for 'erra& /ever thought I*ll bedefendingthe lace, of all things!%

Torgaon: !'he irony eh#!

Abaon: !5lease sto talking %%%!

= = = = = = = FFF8$(5'E@ '$I@'EE/FFF = = = = = = = =

Thought for the Day:Blessed be the


19/28

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the ates of /arl

carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch $arl of the !leventh egion,the =ear oathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the $#tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the %tar ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the =ish of Time0

e now 8oin orgar and Horus aboard Horus# new flagship, the9ltimate Badass, as it8ourneys towards the last known location of the 2ock, the fortress-monastary home ofthe Dark Angels $hapter'

Lorgar:!"ow, a new oening narrative!%

Horus:!Indeed, it fits these deserate times% $asten& 5ush these engines faster so we

might reach the @ock and secure the hel of our brother 0ion El*.onson& Aaster I scream&Aaster into the deth of the "ar& Aaster unto)!

Lorgar:!"hat the hell are you doing#!

Horus:!-etting into the sirit of things, you know %%% over)acting# ?ust in case this

scene is being recorded for a "hite warf feature on the camaign!

Lorgar:!5utting aside the imlausible concet of "hite warf featuring anything butadvertisments for ?o*s Snotling iner and ame ona*s aemonettes of evilishy

elightful uties, is it ossible to get through at least one short story without beingbeaten to death by dialogue that seems to be written as an ode to -eorge 0ucas* writingskills# Because we all know what killed the Star "ars requels %%%!

Horus:!ver abundance of 8-I#!

Lorgar:!/o, the other thing %%%!

Horus:!$ayden 8hristensen#!

Lorgar:!Isn*t he a aemon 5rince# /o, kee going %%%!

Horus:!?ar ?ar Binks#!

Lorgar:!> %%% fair oint% I*ll give you that% I was aiming for cray dialogue, but I*llconcede to your wisdom there!%

Horus:!Score one for the $)meister&!

Lorgar:!-ive me a card %%%!

Horus:!"hat# ww %%%!

Horus reluctantly hands over orgar a small card with #$oolness =actor# written on it'

Lorgar:!"hat did I say before we left the Vengeful Sirit III#!

Horus:!*"e*re not reducing this tri to another +errett)style camy run around the

galaxy% Every time I say something daft, cliche, cam, or 0ucas)esque in its abuse of theEnglish language and general glurge)i)ness you take a *8oolness Aactor* card away from

me*!

Lorgar:!-ood% /ow how many do you have left#!

Page 19 of 28



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21/28

Lorgar:!'here it is&!

Horus:!$ow did we not see something so large until now#!

Lorgar:!Sot check enalties are exonential, I only get a 2;L "isdom bonus on myroll!%

Horus:!-ood oint %%%!

Thra$$:!Sir, I hate to disturb your musings once again and I stand well aware of my

shortening life san due to your all)round evil that will robably offer my soul as asacrifice to the dark gods as soon as I sto seaking, but I have the @ock traffic control

on line one, shall I ut them through to seaker)hone#!

Horus:!f course!%

Thra$$:!/ot going to kill me#!

Horus:!"hat# /o!

Thra$$:3wanders off, muttering4 !'hat*s twice now% "hat kind of evil overlord does hethink he is#!

Ro1% Traffi1 Contro$:!9nidentified vessel, you are aroaching @ock sace %%% er %%%

sace %%% lease state your intentions!%

Horus:!'his is "armaster $orus of the


22/28

Horus:!"ait %%% I thought .e were the evil ones#!

Lorgar:!/o, we*re 8haos% "e embrace all morality and discard it as restrictiveorganisational boundaries established to bring order to a chaotic emotional state ofsentient existence!%

Horus:!"ait %%% we embrace it an discard it#!

Lorgar:!$ow else can we talk about being evil yet not believe any of it#!

Horus:!'hat didn*t make much sense to me either %%%!

Lorgar:!I hoe we don*t trigger another random encounter %%%!

Horus:!on*t worry I*m wearing /o Encounter armour!

Lorgar:!"ell that exlains the lack of anybody!

2'inous Latin Chanting:!Estuans interius ira vehementi %%%!

Horus:!"hat was that#!

Lorgar:!"ait %%% I know this&!

2'inous Latin Chanting:!Estuans interius ira vehementi %%% E0*?/S/&!

%uddenly a large figure descends from the darkness above and lands before the twoPrimarchs'

Lorgar:!I thought I recognised that music& It*s El*.onson*s theme tune 9ne ing Angle&!

Lion E$,)onson:!-reetings %%% brothers %%%!

Horus:!0ion& 0ong time no see& /ice black leather&

Lorgar:!/ice katana&!

Horus:!(nd was your hair always this long %%% and ale#!

Lion:!"e do not %%% have the time %%% to talk %%%!

ith a speed that defies logic, ion spins round to parry the blow of A"rael, who has also

appeared from seemingly nowhere to attack ion'

Lorgar:!Aor the love of %%% I have got to ut more ranks in Sot&!

A"rae$:!0ion& I cannot let you leave&!

Lion:!6ou have %%% no choice %%% I will not %%% be reduced %%% to a memory %%%!

A"rae$:!But if the galaxy finds out& I*ll never be able to look 0ogan in the eye again nextub drink)u&!

Lion:!'he shame is %%% my burdon %%% to bear %%% not yours %%%!

A"rae$:!/o& I will not allow it& I have a reutation&!

Page 22 of 28



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Lion:!(s do I %%% that is why %%% I must save %%% the galaxy %%%!

9ur heroes are suddenly surrounded by do"ens of small, robed figures'

at1her in the Dar% 7:!"e cannot allow that 0ion& %%% kuo!

Lorgar:!"ait %%% what#!

at1her in the Dar% 9:!(greed% 'he Aish of 'ime must not be found& therwise allthat we have worked for will be in vain& >uo&!

Horus:!"ho the hell are they#!

A"rae$:!"atchers# "hat*s this you seak of# Aish of 'ime# $ave you your own

agenda#!

at1her in the Dar% :!f course, kuo!

at1her in the Dar% 9:!6ou*re a fool (:rael %%% kuo&!

Lorgar:!>uo# 6ou*re &oogles#!

The head atcher throws back his hood, revealing the dreaded red pom-pom of D99&0

at1her in the Dar% 7:!'hat*s right kuo&!

Horus:!"hen did this become a =inal =antasycrossover fic#!

at1her in the Dar% 9:!"e*ve been waiting thousands of years, slowly uttingtogether our master lan&!

at1her in the Dar% 7:!(hem %%%!

at1her in the Dar% 9:!h sorry %%% >95&!

A"rae$:!"hat evil lan do you small bundles of diabolic cuteness have to unleash#!

at1her in the Dar% 7:!'o bring into this universe the greatest acifier known toman %%% the ower of 8$IBI&&& %%% kuo!

$ollective gasps of horror are heard from the Primarchs and $hapter &aster'

Horus:!6ou evil creatures&!

at1her in the Dar% 7: !Indeed, and soon you too shall squeal *S >("(II&&* beforeour overwhelming cuteness&& >uo&!

Horus: !/EVE@& 'his is a grim and dark universe, and with the owers invested withinme by British essimism it shall remain so& In the grim darkness of the forty)firstmillennium, there is no room for cute %%% there is only AR+++!

Lorgar: !$ave another card %%%!

Horus: !8heers!%

at1her in the Dar% 7: !"e shall see %%% >95&& +"($($($(&&&

Page 23 of 28



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&eanwhile ''' on Terra '''

DECEI#ER: $ave we secured the 5lot evice#

&e1ron Lor: !6es, my lord% 'he "ebway -ate has been activated and its energiesstabilised with our suerior technology!%

DECEI#ER: Excellent% I cannot enter the "ebway, so I entrust this mission to you% Seekout the Black 0ibrary, and obtain for me the 90'I+('E "E(5/&&&

&e1ron Lor: !(s you wish %%% my lord!

e shall now leave our heroes on this cliffhanger, will they triumph over the power ofchibi. How are the other five teams doing. hat is the reat $#tan &asterplan. ill

Horus find his arms. ill the !mperor reclaimTerra. All these +uestion, and a few more,will be unnecessarily answered in the next few chapters000

= = = = = = = FFF8$(5'E@ A9@'EE/FFF = = = = = = = =Thought for the Day: 6ou don*t want to be thinking7 we don*t ay you to think%

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left theirwallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and theirDaemonically-challenged brothers have ended the ong %tare-off and combined forces to

combat the greatest evil known to the arhammer @, universe - the =orces of2etcon and their harbingers, the $#tan'

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the ates of /arl

carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch $arl of the !leventh egion,the =ear oathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the $#tan by obtaining the onlycanon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the %tar ods when theywere young (and without their undying servants) - the =ish of Time0

e now 8oin /ulkan, 2oboute and Alpharious as they head towards the fabled =ields oflory aboard the mighty capital ship 9ltra $ammer, on loan from the


25/28

the $eresy doing roactive deeds for the greater good of $umanity% (l#!

A$5harious: !uring the -reat 8rusade I bought ma.or shares in all @emembrancer"ar /etworks, which I then sold before the beginning of the $eresy and used themoney to buy -renade manufacturing lants, this being the time of 1nd Edition% I soldoff all my -renade manufacturing lants before the release of


26/28

#u$%an: !>indly don*t do that again% 6ou could kill a Squiggoth with the testosterone

acked into that slogan!%

A$5harious: !(greed% "e may be 5rimarchs, but there*s a limit to the bravo% (nyway,how far to the Aields of -lory#!

F$ight Lieutenant: !'wo weeks sir!

A$5harious: !"hat#!

#u$%an: !+an, do you have @ealistic "ar 'ravel switched on#!

F$ight Lieutenant: !h, sorry sir% Shall I switch it over to /arrative 8onvenience#!

#u$%an: !o, we*re kinda in a hurry!%

F$ight Lieutenant: 3flicks a switch4 !"e*re here sir!%

Roboute: !$ot damn %%% !

#u$%an: !$ot)! 3casts a glare at @oboute4 !)darn %%%!

A$5harious: !"ell FFFF me in the FFFF with a FFFF in FFFFFF with a FFFFF u your

FFFFF with FFFFF on the side!%

#u$%an: !(nd what was that all about#!

A$5harious: !Sorry, I thought if I eered random blees in that seech it would soundcool% id I overdo it#!

#u$%an: !( little %%%!

Roboute: !/o we*re here, I can get the crew together and roll out the hot)damn

soued)u rigs we*ve ulled together on last season of Pimp my 2hino!%

#u$%an: !Someone save me %%%!

A$5harious: !Sorry, Suerman works for me% (s do most of the ?ustice 0eague %%%!

#u$%an: !(nything you don*t own#!

A$5harious: !'hat! 3he oints towards the desert world beneath them4

#u$%an: !6eah% Some *Aields* of -lory down there!

Roboute: !I*m betting there*s Sandworms %%%!

A$5harious: !/ow there,san original concet!%

#u$%an: !Enough kids, it*s time to roll out!%

%everal hours and one bad landing later '''

A$5harious: !"here did you get that ilot#!

Roboute: !(round %%%!

Page 26 of 28



27/28

A$5harious: !$mm %%% #!

Roboute: !>, he was ma hair sylist ) I told him he could fly my rig next time I took itout for a sin %%%!

A$5harious: !"ell %% good .ob he*s dead %%% otherwise I would have killed him myself!%

Roboute: !$ey, chill man% It*s all cool% @elax, man %%%!

#u$%an: !/ow I*d had it with you and your *wanna be a black guy* attitude% 6ou*re notablack man7 you*re a asty white dude who .isheshe was black&!

A$5harious: !Aar be for me to interrut this argument, which is aroaching dangerous

grounds surrisingly fast, but we*re Sace +arines% "e can change the colour of our skinwhenever we want% "e can be any ethnic grou we want ) we*re the most oliticallycorrect fighting force in history&!

#u$%an: !( good oint my brother, but the fact remains that while you may $oo%like ablack man, and in this heat we all do, insie! 3beats his chest4 !you*re not!%

A$5harious: 3checking himself out in the reflection of his armour4 !$mm %%% is it a bad

thing that I look like 8hris @ock#!

#u$%an: !5robably, considering you looked like 'om 8ruise five minutes ago!%

Roboute: !/ow that,san imrovement!%

#u$%an: !'his we agree on% (nyway, dro the charade man, I remember when you usedto be all stoic and serious% "hat haened man#!

Roboute: !It was a horrifying exerience %%% so many years ago %%%!

A$5harious: !"ait %%% are we having a flashback#!

#u$%an: !/ot if I have any say in it% 'ell us here, in the now, @ob!%

Roboute: !Aine% It doesn*t matter anyway% I challenge you Vulkan#!

#u$%an: !"hat#!

Roboute: !( challenge7 I*ll rove to you you*re not the only token black guy in this

family&!

#u$%an: !%%% what#!

Roboute: !"e*ll settle this like men& I challenge you %%% to a drag race&&!

#u$%an: !"hat#&!

Roboute: !o you accet#!

A$5harious: !"hat# /ow# -uys, we have a universe to save&!

#u$%an: !Very well% 8hallenge acceted&!

A$5harious: !'his is cra:y&!

Page 27 of 28



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Robute: !$iggins, get the Blue +obile %%%!

A %pace &arine salutes, then runs off to the landing craft' A short while later, a 2hinodecked out with far more fur and neon lights than should be legal rolls down the ramp infront of the Primarchs'

Roboute: !Introducing the Blue +obile, a suer)hotrod umed)u sni::)sna:: cool)road wheel)turning babe)magnet extraordinare& 8hoose your rig Vulkan&!

#u$%an: 3.erks a thumb over his shoulder4 !Betty back there!%

Roboute: !'hat old thing# "hat makes you think she stands a chance#!

#u$%an: !*cause while you*ve covered your rig in worthless cra, I relaced the enginewith one designed for Salamander scout 8himeras with an in)built nitrogen oxidein.ector% In short, man7 fu::y dice don*t do cra for seed!%

Roboute: !"e shall see %%% $I--I/S&!

Higgins: !@hinos, line u on the starting line&!

A$5harious: !I can*t believe they*re doing this %%% you*re both stuid, I hoe you realisethis&&!

ho will win. ho cares. =ind the answers to these exciting +uestions in the next fewchapters of Primarchs00

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The alternate Primarch story p2

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