The Secret Of Monkey Island

7/30/2019 The Secret Of Monkey Island

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TheSecretOfMonkeyIslandAdaptedforthestagebyPeterKimballEvans2011www.castlecake.co.uk

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The Secret Of Monkey Island

FINAL VERSION - Adapted for the stage by Peter Kimball-Evans

www.castlecake.co.uk

Cast

GUYBRUSH Threepwood - Elliot Leaver (12)

OLD MAN - David Lewis (3)

MANCOMB Seepgood - Michael Relph (3)

PIRATE 1 - Andrew Horigan (5)

PIRATE 2 - Zoe Cotton (3)

LECHUCK - James Bonser (3)

BONE Pirate - Kate Williams (3)

SHERIFF Shinetop - James Bonser (3)

Voodoo LADY - Patrick McHugh (2)ELAINE Marley - Kate Williams (2)

CARLA - Alex Diaper (3)

HERMAN Toothrot - Zoe Cotton (3)

Scene Index

Scene 1 Page 2 - Melee Island LookoutGUYBRUSH, OLD MAN

Scene 2 Page 2 SCUMM Bar

GUYBRUSH, MANCOMB, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2Scene 3 Page 5 LeChuck's ship

LECHUCK, BONE

Scene 4 Page 6 Melee TownGUYBRUSH, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2, SHERIFF

Scene 5 Page 7 House of VoodooGUYBRUSH, LADY

Scene 6 Page 8 Governor's MansionGUYBRUSH, SHERIFF, ELAINE, PIRATE 1, PIRATE 2

Scene 7 Page 12 Melee Town / Carla's PlaceGUYBRUSH, OLD MAN, CARLA

Scene 8 Page 14 SCUMM Bar

GUYBRUSH, MANCOMB, PIRATE 1, CARLA

Scene 9 Page 16 Governor's MansionGUYBRUSH, OLD MAN, CARLA, LADY

Scene 10 Page 18 LeChuck's ShipLECHUCK, SHERIFF, BONE

Scene 11 Page 19 Monkey Island BeachGUYBRUSH, HERMAN

Scene 12 Page 20 Giant Monkey HeadGUYBRUSH, BONE

Scene 13 Page 21 - Monkey Island BeachGUYBRUSH, HERMAN

Scene 14 Page 22 Melee Island ChurchGUYBRUSH, LECHUCK, MANCOMB, ELAINE, PIRATE 1

TheSecretOfMonkeyIslandandcharactersownedbyLucasArts.LucasartsisaregisteredtrademarkofLucasfilmEntertainmentCompanyLtd.


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place to regulate the distribution of Grog. Only place to

have it on Mle Island is the SCUMM Bar! Yarr!

GUYBRUSH Should I see the Governor about becoming a pirate?

MANCOMB The Governor's mansion is on the other side of town. But

pirates aren't as welcome around there as they used to be.

GUYBRUSH Why not?

MANCOMB Well, the last time the Governor had a pirate over for

dinner, he fell in love with her. He went to the Governor's

for dinner and never wanted to leave. She told him to drop

dead. So he did. Then things really got ugly.

GUYBRUSH What's so scary about this guy if he's dead?

MANCOMB LeChuck was a fearsome pirate. He tried to impress the

Governor by sailing off to find THE SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND.

But a mysterious storm came up and sank his ship, leaving nosurvivors. We thought that was the end of the fearsome

pirate LeChuck. We were wrong. He still sails the waters

between here and Monkey Island. His ghost ship is an unholy

terror upon the sea. That's why we're all in here and not

out pirating.

GUYBRUSH Well it was nice talking to you anyway. Uhh, Arrr! Hehe..

MANCOMB HAR HAR HAR! That's it lad, keep it up! Ye salty young

barnacle! Don't mind me, I'll be a-tendin' to my grog! Har

har harrrrr!

GUYBRUSH leaves MANCOMB and crosses the scene to the three

PIRATE LEADERS

PIRATE 1 What ye be wantin' boy?

GUYBRUSH I want to be a pirate.

PIRATE 1 ...So what?

PIRATE 2 Why bother us?

PIRATE 1 Do you have any special skills?

GUYBRUSH I can hold my breath underwater for ten minutes!

PIRATE 1 Well, alright. But you don't become a pirate just by ASKING.

PIRATE 2 You'll have to go through-

PIRATES

1,2

THE THREE TRIALS!

GUYBRUSH Er... which three trials are those?

PIRATE 2 They're the trials every pirate must pass. You must prove

yourself in each of these three areas: swordplay, thievery,

and, er, treasure huntery; then return with proof that

you've done them.

PIRATE 1 And then ye must drink GROG with us!

ALLPIRATES

GROG!!



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GUYBRUSH So swordplay first?

PIRATE 2 AYE! First, get ye a sword. You must seek out and defeat the

Sword Master of Melee Island

GUYBRUSH Sword master, got it. And the thievery?

PIRATE 2 We want ye to procure a small item for us...

PIRATE 1 The idol o' many hands!

PIRATE 2 In the governor's mansion. The Governor keeps the idol safe

in the mansion just outside of town.

PIRATE 1 You'll have to think of your own way to sneak in. One does

not simply walk into the Governor's Mansion.

PIRATE 2 -Naturally-

PIRATE 1 -Naturally-

PIRATE 2 -Yar.

PIRATE 1 I'm sure your limited mental mass is able to recall that the

third trial was the noble quest of treasure huntery.

PIRATE 2 Buried or maliciously acquired. We really don't mind-

PIRATE 1 BURIED, naturally. And buried only. More specifically, THE

LOST TREASURE OF MELEE ISLAND.

PIRATE 2 And don't forget: 'X' marks the spot!

PIRATES

1,2

Har Har Har!

GUYBRUSH I'll just be on my way now.

PIRATE 2 Aye, leave us to our Grog.

PIRATES

1,2

GROG!

All pirates raise their pitchers and drink heartily while

GUYBRUSH makes his exit. MANCOMB notices GUYBRUSH passing

and catches GUYBRUSH's attention.

MANCOMB You really think you have what it takes to become a pirate?

Good on ye lad! It's a rough sea at first. Mayhaps I can

help with the trials.

GUYBRUSH Have you taken the pirate trials?

MANCOMB Aye, have yet to complete them though. Found the SCUMM bar

and well, you know- still getting the rounds in!

GUYBRUSH You think you could help me with my trials while you wet

your whistle?

MANCOMB SURE! Ye be needing a treasure map to find the lost treasure

of Melee Island?

GUYBRUSH You know, forget that. I think I'll go straight for the

SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND

MANCOMB You're not scared by LeChuck?

GUYBRUSH I laugh at his particular brand of wretched villainy.



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Hahaha!

MANCOMB The last man to laugh at LeChuck found himself in the icy

cold waters around Melee Island. The Sheriff says there was

no sign of LeChuck at the scene, and that he must be

operating with strong, scary voodoo, from his hiddenstronghold in Monkey Island.

GUYBRUSH Voodoo?

MANCOMB These islands are teeming with voodoo spirits, ancient

curses, and powers far beyond our comprehension!

GUYBRUSH Well is there any help I can get to protect myself from him

when I look for the SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND?

MANCOMB If you're that sure set on getting yourself killed, you may

as well go to the International House Of Voodoo. You'll

need a ticket to get in. Here, have mine.

GUYBRUSH is handed the ticket

MANCOMB SHE may help prolong your undoubtedly messy demise.

GUYBRUSH Messy, really? That hardly fills me with confidence. You

sure I can take your ticket?

MANCOMB It's alright lad, they're handed out these tickets with

every two-hundredth tankard of grog.

GUYBRUSH Two-hundred tankards of Grog? How long have you been on this

quest?

MANCOMB Har har HAAAA!!! TWO DAYS! (Laughs himself to the floor

where he instantly passes out into a boozy snore)

GUYBRUSH leaves the SCUMM Bar. End scene

SCENE 3 Deep beneath Monkey Island, the ghost pirate LECHUCK's ship

lies anchored in a river of lava. LECHUCK is standing on

his room while a bone pirate approaches.

BONE Captain LECHUCK...sir...I...

LECHUCK Ah... There's nothin' like it here, my ghost ship docked in

the fiery lavas below Monkey Island, the hot winds of hell

blowin' in your face.

BONE No sir... Nothing like it... Ah... Sir... I...

LECHUCK (turns around) It's days like this that makes you glad to

be dead.

BONE Oh yes sir... glad to be dead...

LECHUCK You are glad to be dead, RIGHT?

BONE Oh yes sir. I feel so lucky that you happened to capture my

ship, then murdered me and everyone on board... ...yes

sir... lucky.

LECHUCK Glad to hear it. Now what was it you disturbed me for?



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BONE Ah...yes sir...well, you see, we might have a problem on

Mle Island.

LECHUCK PROBLEM?!? What possible problem could there be!? I've got

those sissy pirates so scared of the sea they're afraid to

take a bath!

BONE Well... There seems to be a new pirate in town. Actually,

he's a pirate wannabe. Young. Inexperienced. Probably

nothing to worry 'bout. Don't know why I bothered you with

it. Just forget I even bothered you (about to leave)

LECHUCK Wait! This will need to be handled at once! My plans are too

important to be messed up by amateurs.

BONE I'll go and sort it out at once.

LECHUCK No. I'll take care of this one personally. Go prepare the

ship for departure.

BONE Right away, sir!

They both exit hurridly. End Scene

SCENE 4 GUYBRUSH is in Melee Town, on his way to the International

House Of Voodoo. PIRATE 1 and PIRATE 2 are struggling with

moving a large barrel. When they notice GUYBRUSH, they

instantly 'play cool', as if they weren't trying to shift

it.

GUYBRUSH Hi. You need a hand with-

PIRATE 1 (PIRATE 1 pulls out a red fish and waves it in from of

GUYBRUSH) What's this?

GUYBRUSH What's that?

PIRATE 1 You'll be needing it for the trials!

GUYBRUSH Oh no I won't. That's a red herring! What's in that barrel?

PIRATE 1 (with PIRATE 2) Rum.

PIRATE 2 (with PIRATE 1) Jam.

Awkward pause, the PIRATEs look at each other

PIRATE 1 (with PIRATE 2) Jam.

PIRATE 2 (with PIRATE 1) Rum.

The pirates look at each other again

PIRATE 2 Er... rum and jam. It's an old pirate favourite, everybody

knows that.

GUYBRUSH Wait a minute, that's a barrel of GROG! Governor Marley has

laws in place to stop the unlicensed distribution of GROG

across the island!

PIRATE 1 (Draws his cutlass, and advances threateningly on GUYBRUSH)Well this here is MY licence, Mr Threepwood. (Holding the

sword to GUYBRUSH's neck)



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GUYBRUSH (Stern with strong eye contact) Well it seems I have no

choice... (Takes the cutlass from PIRATE 1, who happily

returns to the barrel, GUYBRUSH inspects the sword) How

could I say no to such a fine looking cutlass!

PIRATE 1 Just as long as there's no more trouble Guybrunt.

PIRATE 2 Best o' luck with the rest of your quests Mr Eastwood!!

The two PIRATEs lug the barrel offstage.

GUYBRUSH Awesome, now I can take on the Melee Island Swordmaster! I'm

sure this'll also come in handy with that itch on the small

of my back.

SHERIFF (From off stage, behind GUYBRUSH) Do you feel lucky, punk?

GUYBRUSH What?

SHERIFF (Enters quietly and jabs a gun into GUYBRUSH's back) So,

you're going to give me a little attitude, eh? I'd betterget your name.

GUYBRUSH I'm Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm a mighty pirate.

SHERIFF Listen Peepwood, I'm the sheriff around here. Sheriff Fester

Shinetop. Take it from me- This is a bad time to be visiting

Mle Island. A very BAD time. My advice to you is to find

somewhere else to take your vacation. (walks away) Little

man. (Exits)

GUYBRUSH (noticesthe international house of voodoo) This must be The

International House Of Voodoo. Looks touristy.

GUYBRUSH enters the International House Of Voodoo. End

Scene.

SCENE 5 The International House Of Voodoo. There are many voodoo

based objects around the room, some gross, some mysterious,

and some bizarre. The throne-like chair is at the back of

the room, and a fake chicken is displayed on a small table.

GUYBRUSH This Voodoo hoodoo gives me the heebee jeebees... (He picks

up the rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle from thetable). Maybe no one will miss just this one thing. (Voodoo

Lady appears as if by magic)

LADY What may I help you with, son?

GUYBRUSH Uhh... How much for this keen-looking chicken?

LADY ah... I sense the guilt of stealing my chicken grows. Take

it. It's yours.

GUYBRUSH Why don't you want it? Is it jinxed with an ancient voodoo

curse?

LADY No... the pulley squeaks.

GUYBRUSH Thanks. My name is-

LADY Wait... ...don't say anything. I can sense your name



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is... ...is... ...GUYBRUSH... ...GUYBRUSH Nosehair.

No... ...Threepwood. GUYBRUSH Threepwood. Am I not right?

GUYBRUSH Lucky guess. Half the people in the audience are named

Guybrush.

LADY I suggest you open your mind. It will help you in your

coming journey.

GUYBRUSH Journey? What can you tell me about my journey?

LADY I am getting a vision... ...I see you taking a voyage, a

long voyage. I see you captaining a ship.

GUYBRUSH Yeah!

LADY I see...

GUYBRUSH What? See what?

LADY I see a giant monkey.

GUYBRUSH Yikes!

LADY I see you inside the giant monkey.

GUYBRUSH Gross!

LADY Wait... it is all becoming clear. Your journey will have

many parts. You will see things better left unseen. You

will hear things better left unheard. You will learn things

better left unlearned.

GUYBRUSH What kind of things? I hate surprises.

LADY NO! The time is not right to know. When you know yourpurpose, come see me... ...I will let you know then.

GUYBRUSH Oh, wait! Before I go back outside, can you tell me what is

up with that Sheriff Shinetop guy? He's kind of got me

scared to go outside again.

LADY Guybrush, Sheriff Shinetop is a dark character. I haven't

managed to make a proper reading on his soul yet. We used to

have a fair, decent man for a sheriff- but he was discovered

bereft of life in the icy waters around Melee Island. Fear

not, Guybrush. Our new Sheriff is kept in check by the

Governor. Melee is fortunate to have her in charge.

GUYBRUSH Governor Marley?

LADY You're getting to know the island already, that's good.

Keep your head about you Guybrush, you will be tested

shortly before your trials end!

VOODOO LADY seems to disappear

GUYBRUSH Yikes!

End Scene

SCENE 6 GUYBRUSH approaches the Governor's mansion.

GUYBRUSH The Governor's mansion! It seems to be completely unguarded,



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these trials are going to be easier than I thought!

(SHERIFF Shinetop sneaks in behind GUYBRUSH and watches him

enter the mansion)

SHERIFF This looks like a job for Fester Shinetop. (Follows

GUYBRUSH into the mansion)

The following scene takes place in a blackout

GUYBRUSH This must be the idol! (CREAK OPEN) It's BEAUTIFUL!

SHERIFF Not so fast!

GUYBRUSH Eek! Put that down, you don't want to hit me with THAT!

Aaaaagh!

THWACK! CLANG! ...silence... GUYBRUSH strolls onto the

stage, lights up. GUYBRUSH walks out with the idol.

GUYBRUSH Phew! That was a close one. At least I got the idol.

SHERIFF (Appearing from offstage) I'm not done with you yet!

GUYBRUSH Uh oh!

SHERIFF Thought you could get away with the Idol o' Many Hands, did

you?

GUYBRUSH Look, I can explain...

SHERIFF So can I -Broke into the Governor's house-

GUYBRUSH The door was unlocked!

SHERIFF -and stole one of her most valuable pieces of art!

GUYBRUSH No, you've got it all wrong!

SHERIFF Oh really? Well, let's hear your explanation.

GUYBRUSH The pirate leaders told me to do it!

SHERIFF Ha!

Suddenly, Governor ELAINE Marley appears. Staggeringly

beautiful dressed in formal pirate attire.

ELAINE What's going on here Fester?

SHERIFF I caught this hoodlum making off with your idol, Governor.

He says the pirate leaders told him to do it!ELAINE The real question is, how did he get in here while you were

on guard?

SHERIFF I... Uh...

ELAINE Just go away, Fester. I can handle this.

SHERIFF Hmpf! (leaves, then talks to GUYBRUSH) I'll deal with you

later. (exits)

ELAINE Sorry about him. He's new. I'm Governor Marley... Governor

Elaine Marley. So, the pirate leaders made you do it, eh?

GUYBRUSH Gee...ELAINE Relax, Mr Threepwood. My lookout told me of your arrival.

I've wanted to meet you ever since I heard your fascinating



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name. Tell me, Guybrush, why do you want to be a pirate?

You don't look like one. Your face is too... ...sweet.

GUYBRUSH Jeepers....

ELAINE I see... Well, you're obviously not in the mood for idle

chitchat, are you? I suppose you've got many more exciting

things to do. I won't take up any more of your time, Mr.

Threepwood.

ELAINE exits.

GUYBRUSH Bgglw! Mfrnkf? Dmnkly... -sigh- I really wish I knew how to

talk to women.

GUYBRUSH begins to leave, but is confronted by the SHERIFF.

SHERIFF Where do you think you're going, Threepwood?

GUYBRUSH I'm going to put this idol in my safe-deposit box.

SHERIFF Oh really? I know a really safe locker you could put it

in... Davey Jones' Locker!!! Hand over your sword.

GUYBRUSH Uh oh.

GUYBRUSH hands over his sword and is tied up with thick

rope, the other end attached to the idol. SHERIFF Shinetop

digs GUYBRUSH's cutlass into his back. They walk to the

edge of the stage.

GUYBRUSH Who'd have guessed there was cliff here with a sheer drop

into the icy waters around Melee Island...

SHERIFF This is the end of the road, my little pantalooned pal. Myplans for the Governor are far too important and much too

near completion to risk letting a would-be pirate like you

get in the way. So long, Mr. Spicecake, or Droopface, or

whatever your name is.

The Sheriff kicks the idol down, and Guybrush is pulled

down into the sea/offstage.

SHERIFF Hmmm... This might actually turn out to be a pretty good

day. (leaves)

GUYBRUSH WOW. WHAT A VIEW! Good thing there was this ledge here, but

the idol is too heavy to climb with, and I'm tied to it. Ifonly Shinetop didn't take my sword...

PIRATE 1 and PIRATE 2 enter and stand above the cliff edge.

PIRATE 1 Thanks for helping me move that Grog.

PIRATE 2 It's all right. I'm just glad Shinetop wasn't around.

PIRATE 1 Shame that Otis and that Meathook guy tried to rat us out

to the Sheriff. Stupid little prigs. If they didn't kick

off about us, I wouldn't have had to cut 'em!

PIRATE 2 Yeah, shame you had to cut Otis and Meathook. Must have

been easy with such a big knife!

PIRATE 1 Yeah. What should I do with it?

PIRATE 2 Get rid of it!



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PIRATE 1 I'll throw it over this cliff!

PIRATE 2 No, don't do that!

PIRATE 1 Why not? I need to ditch it!

PIRATE 2 It might wash up somewhere!PIRATE 1 Why do I care? My prints won't be on it! I'm throwing it

in! (A brief pause) ...naaaah. I might need it. See you.

PIRATE 2 See you.

The two PIRATEs leave. After another short while...

GUYBRUSH I take it they didn't throw the knife down. Darn...

ELAINE enters

ELAINE GUYBRUSH?

GUYBRUSH Governor!

ELAINE You're alive!

GUYBRUSH Catch this idol and pull me up!

The tied up idol is thrown up to ELAINE who begins pulling

GUYBRUSH up.

ELAINE Hey, you can talk! Who'd have known?

GUYBRUSH What are YOU doing here?

ELAINE I came back to save your life. Fester wasn't acting on MY

orders when he threw you down there.

GUYBRUSH That rotten, conniving jack-a-ninny. If he didn't take mysword I'd show him a thing. Or maybe two things!

ELAINE Oh, this was your sword? (produces GUYBRUSH's cutlass) I

thought it was just some discarded child's plaything.

GUYBRUSH I feel like a discarded plaything, a nobody, a would-be

pirate.

ELAINE steps closer to GUYBRUSH

GUYBRUSH Who would have known, or even cared, if you'd let me die?

ELAINE I would have, Guybrush.

GUYBRUSH (walks away) Oh, Governor...

ELAINE (walks closer) Oh, Threepwood...

GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Oh, Elaine!

ELAINE (walks closer) Oh, Guybrush!

GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Love muffin!

ELAINE (walks closer) Sugar boots!

GUYBRUSH (walks closer) Honey pumpkin!

ELAINE (walks closer) Plunder bunny!

GUYBRUSH Kiss me!

ELAINE (turns away) No! We musn't!



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GUYBRUSH What?

ELAINE Not here, where everyone can see us.

GUYBRUSH Why, are you ashamed of me?

ELAINE No, no, it's not that at all... Many of these pirates havemade advances toward me. I've always told them that my

father made me promise never to fall in love with a pirate.

If they see us together, they'll know I was lying.

GUYBRUSH Okay then, let's go inside.

ELAINE Okay. (Starts to walk away) But finish your trials first. I

don't want you to be... preoccupied.

GUYBRUSH But...

ELAINE exits

GUYBRUSH I feel this sudden urge to complete the trials... quickly.

GUYBRUSH exits. End Scene.

SCENE 7 Outside Melee Town. The OLD MAN stops GUYBRUSH passing

OLD MAN Ah, Mister Thistleweed!

GUYBRUSH Hey, do you happen to know the way to the Swordmaster of

Melee Island?

OLD MAN Only I know the Sword Master's secret whereabouts. From my

lookout point I get a clear view into the clearing wherethe house is. On a clear day I can see the Sword Master's

underwear between the trees...

GUYBRUSH Thanks... Would you mind showing me how to get there?

OLD MAN Well I really must get back to my lookout. Goodness knows

what could be happening when I take my Grog breaks. If it

wasn't for the Governor's Grog licensing laws, I never have

to leave the island unguarded. I'll take you to the Sword

Master, no problem!

GUYBRUSH Thanks!

The two exit, scene shifts to outside Sword Master's house.

GUYBRUSH is following the OLD MAN

OLD MAN Alright Guythrush-

GUYBRUSH Eh. Close enough.

OLD MAN -This is it. You'd better hang back. If the swordmaster

knows I'm revealing this secret location, I'll be dead!

OLD MAN approaches the Sword Master's door. He knocks.

While he waits he grooms himself subtly, and pulls a flower

from about his person. CARLA appears at the door,

brandishing a sword. She is dressed as a well-travelledpirate rogue. She sees the OLD MAN, looks peeved, and puts

the sword away.



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OLD MAN Hello again, Carla

GUYBRUSH The Sword Master is a woman?

CARLA I thought I told you to get lost. Take a hike and don't

come out here again. Someone might follow you, and then I'd

become another Mle Island tourist attraction.

OLD MAN Hey, it's your loss, baby.

CARLA Yeah, right. Now SCRAM.

OLD MAN leaves. As he passes GUYBRUSH he talks without

revealing that he knows GUYBRUSH is there.

OLD MAN She's all yours. Hehehe.

The OLD MAN exits. GUYBRUSH leaves his cover and knocks on

CARLA's door. She answers but doesn't put her sword away.

CARLA How dare you approach the Sword Master without

permission... Which I surely didn't give you.

GUYBRUSH Hi, My name is Guybrush Threepwood, and I'm selling these

fine leather jackets

CARLA Do you have one in size 10? Wait you're not really a jacket

salesman! You're here to prove yourself to the Pirate

Leaders, in hopes of one day being as immoral as they are.

GUYBRUSH Yep, nailed right on the head...

CARLA Let's get this over with.

They take duelling stances, GUYBRUSH acting very amateur.

CARLA You should know that my wisest enemies run at the very

sight of me!

GUYBRUSH What?

CARLA Not familiar with fighting etiquette?

GUYBRUSH No actually. To be honest, this is my first ever sword

fight.

CARLA What? I could kill you you know! Just start some better

rapport, you're boring me. I can make this end very

sharply. Get the POINT?

GUYBRUSH Okay then. Uhh... Every word you say to me is stupid!

CARLA I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

CARLA whacks the hilt of her sword into GUYBRUSH's face.

GUYBRUSH drops his sword and falls. He moans as his face

hurts.

CARLA Really GUYBRUSH. You're going to use my own lines?

Pathetic.

GUYBRUSH Oooooowww...

CARLA You're either very brave or helplessly stupid. Either way,

I think you've got something. It's not always what you do,but what you say. We master swordsmen know just when to cut

our opponent with an insult... One that catches them off



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guard. Your wit's got to be twice as sharp as your sword.

Okay... ...imagine this: We're fighting up a storm...

There's a sudden break in the fighting and I say to

you...'You fight like a dairy farmer.' You respond with?

GUYBRUSH You must be thinking of someone else, I am not a farmer.

CARLA I can see we've got a lot of work to do here. You should

have responded with something like... 'How appropriate. You

fight like a cow.' You see. Let's try another. You're

trapped up against a wall... I say... 'Soon you'll be

wearing my sword like a shish-kabob!'...

GUYBRUSH How appropriate, you fight like a cow!

CARLA No! No! No! I suggest you go out there and learn some

insults!

CARLA enters her house, leaving GUYBRUSH alone outside.

GUYBRUSH I can't help but feel like I've been ripped off. I'm sure

you're feeling something similar.

GUYBRUSH leaves. End scene

SCENE 8 SCUMM Bar. GUYBRUSH bursts into the door, sword at the

ready and approaches MANCOMB. All occupants of the bar

watch in amazement. Inside are MANCOMB, and PIRATE 1.

Guybrush lunges his sword at MANCOMB

GUYBRUSH Nice night we're having isn't it?

MANCOMB Looks ta me there be somethin more on yer mind

GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die.

MANCOMB Oh? (Pulls out his sword and aims at GUYBRUSH)

GUYBRUSH My handkerchief will wipe up your blood

MANCOMB So, you got that job as a janitor after all.

GUYBRUSH is knocked back. MANCOMB takes the advantage

MANCOMB Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?

GUYBRUSH Why, did you want to borrow one?

A brief sword fight ensues, GUYBRUSH gains the advantage.

MANCOMB I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!

GUYBRUSH Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

Swords meet again, this time with MANCOMB submitting back

to his chair. PIRATE 1 bounds up to GUYBRUSH, excited for a

good battle

PIRATE 1 All right boy, I'll see if you're good enough for the Melee

Island Sword Master.

GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die.

PIRATE 1 This is the END for you, gutter crawling cur!



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GUYBRUSH Uh that's what SHE said!

PIRATE 1 engages in battle, and obviously has the advantage

as he knocks GUYBRUSH onto his backside. He then holds his

sword to GUYBRUSH's throat.

PIRATE 1 There are no clever moves that can help you now.

GUYBRUSH Yes- there are (knocks PIRATE 1's sword away from his

throat and jumps to his feet) YOU just never learnt them.

Guybrush makes a great return to form as their swords clash

again

PIRATE 1 Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.

GUYBRUSH I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Guybrush gains the advantage in the fight

PIRATE 1 I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman

GUYBRUSH I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

GUYBRUSH manages to win the fight, causing PIRATE 1 to drop

his sword

GUYBRUSH Haha!

PIRATE 1 Good work. I think you may be ready to take on Carla the

Sword Master

Carla bursts into the bar

CARLA I'll be the judge of that! (Sees the defeated pirates)

Guybrush, it seems you've been busy.GUYBRUSH My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die.

CARLA Let's get this over with.

The two engage in heated battle

CARLA Only once have I met such a coward!

GUYBRUSH He must have taught you everything you know.

GUYBRUSH knocks CARLA back, but she lunges forward again.

CARLA My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!

GUYBRUSH Too bad nobody's ever heard of YOU at all!GUYBRUSH disarms CARLA, then holds his blade to her throat

CARLA OK, you win. Well, I hope you're happy. You can go back and

brag to all your friends about how you beat the Sword

Master. If you want to fight again Guybrush, you know where

to find me. (She collects herself and leaves)

PIRATE 1 Well. You've defeated the swordmaster, and I've heard that

you have procured the idol o' many hands from the

Governor's mansion. All that's left now is for you to find

the Lost Treasure of Melee Island!

MANCOMB Ha! Better than that!

GUYBRUSH Uh oh



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MANCOMB He told me that he'll be forgetting about your nancy little

'Lost Treasure of Melee Island', and will instead find the

'Secret Of Monkey Island'!

PIRATE 1 Well, it seems we underestimated you Mr Threepwood. Of

course, merely sailing to Monkey Island will prove youtwice the pirate any man here could wish to be. Good luck

finding yourself a crew who would go along with your crazy

plan though.

MANCOMB Ha! There's no reason why anybody would leave the safety of

Melee while LeChuck is still alive, or as the case seems to

be, still undead!

GUYBRUSH Next time I see you gentlemen, I'll have found the Secret

of Monkey Island, and you will all know me as the most

respected and feared name in the Tri-Island area. No, in

the Caribbean! Better still- in the whole world!

GUYBRUSH exits.

PIRATE 1 He'll be dead soon that one.

End Scene.

Scene 9 GUYBRUSH walks up to the Governor's Mansion. Nobody is

around.

GUYBRUSH Elaine wants me to finish these quests as much as I do.

With any luck she can lend me enough money to buy a ship.

GUYBRUSH enters the mansion

GUYBRUSH Elaine? ELAAAINE? Honey Muffin? Love Pumpkin?

GUYBRUSH emerges from the mansion.

GUYBRUSH ...Where could she be?

OLD MAN runs breathlessly up to GUYBRUSH

OLD MAN Hey, what are you doing just standing around? The

Governor's been kidnapped!

GUYBRUSH What? By whom?

OLD MAN LeChuck's got her on that ship that just sailed off. I'm

afraid we've seen the last of her.

GUYBRUSH I'll go get a crew and a ship and go rescue her!

OLD MAN That's not going to be easy, you know. LeChuck's taken the

Governor back to his hideout on Monkey Island. I'm afraid

that no pirate on this island is brave enough to follow him

there. But, hey, good luck. (walks away) Oh yeah, I almost

forgot... They left this note.

The OLD MAN hands a note over to GUYBRUSH

OLD MAN You can have it, but I don't think you'll like what itsays.



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OLD MAN starts to leave

GUYBRUSH Hey, wait- won't you help me form a crew?

OLD MAN Are you kidding? I doubt I have much life left in me, and

I'd rather it wasn't taken by LeChuck! Besides, who would

keep lookout with me gone?

GUYBRUSH Because you've done such a wonderful job so far...

OLD MAN Exactly! Goodbye Mr Thrifflepants.

OLD MAN Exits

GUYBRUSH (Reading LeChuck's note) Attention, pirates of Mle: Your

governor is alive and well and by my side as she was always

meant to be. If you try to find us you will only meet with

horrifying disaster. Yours truly, Captain LeChuck.

CARLA approaches the mansion

CARLA Oh... It's you. I'm here to talk to the Governor.

GUYBRUSH Carla, the Governor's been kidnapped!

CARLA What? That's ridiculous.

GUYBRUSH shows her the note from LECHUCK

CARLA Oh, no. This looks bad. Very bad.

GUYBRUSH I'm getting a ship and a crew together to rescue her.

CARLA Hmmm... I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but

count me in. I need to grab a few things. I'll meet you at

the dock, I have a ship there I keep for times like this.The Sea-Monkey. I acquired her after she sailed back

alone from Monkey Island. Some say it was crewed by nothing

more than a team of monkeys! No other ship has made the

voyage to Monkey Island and back again so it'll be perfect

for rescuing the Governor. Get the rest of your crew to

come too, captain.

Carla leaves. The VOODOO Lady appears without warning in a

plume of smoke and a flash of light

GUYBRUSH Holy mackeral!

LADY Quiet! I am getting a vision. You must...

GUYBRUIS

H

Must what?

LADY You must go to Monkey Island. Once there, you will search

for the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. He hides deep... ...deep

beneath Monkey Island. There is only one thing powerful

enough to destroy LeChuck.

GUYBRUSH What?

LADY It's an ancient root. Once prepared, the root can destroy a

ghost with one touch.

GUYBRUSH Yeah!

LADY Now go and find the one that loves you.



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GUYBRUSH Wait, will you join my crew and help battle the forces of

evil on Monkey Island?

LADY I am afraid not Guybrush. This is your journey, not mine-

and the sheer power of LeChuck's dark voodoo would render

my assistance useless. I am better off helping from here.For instance, I see a deception! Do not be easily fooled by

those close to you, by those you trust.

GUYBRUSH Sounds like something I can watch out for. When will it

happ-

LADY LOOK OVER THERE! A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!

GUYBRUSH What? Where?

GUYBRUSH turns around and the VOODOO LADY disappears

GUYBRUSH ...Great. I thought we were done with the cheap jokes.

End Scene

Scene 10 Meanwhile, the scene shifts to LeChuck's ship. SHERIFF

Fester stands in the room that used to be LeChuck's, and

the BONE pirate approaches.

BONE Captain, sir... I just stopped by to congratulate you on

your kidnapping mission.

SHERIFF Fester Shinetop walks around)

BONE Captain?

The SHERIFF's body deforms weirdly

BONE Captain? Are you all right?

The SHERIFF turns into LECHUCK

LECHUCK NEVER FELT BETTER! And how fares our prisoner?

BONE Ah yes, the prisoner. We had a little trouble...

LECHUCK TROUBLE?

BONE (Starting to walk away) Nothing to worry about, sir...

...everything's under control. She escaped a fewtimes... ...but we've got her locked up in the brig. No

one's getting in or out of there.

LECHUCK For your sake I hope not. (walks to the window) With years

of planning almost destroyed by my death, I'm not taking

any chances now.

BONE You took care of Mr. Threepwood, then?

LECHUCK Guybrush Threepwood will not be a problem. At this very

moment, he's twenty feet under water... ...probably bloated

up like a fattened pig. 'Is eyes being eaten out by crabs.

Fish peckin' at his fingers. Kinda makes you wish you werethere to watch.

BONE Ah...yessir... (wretches) ...sure does at that.



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LECHUCK Now go check on the root. Make sure it's locked up tight.

BONE Aye aye, captain.

Scene 11 GUYBRUSH walks onto the beach on Monkey Island.

GUYBRUSH Monkey Island. I made it. Carla said it would be impossible

to find Monkey Island with a crew of only two, but here we

are. Just as soon as she's worked on her tan she'll join me

on the island. Call me paranoid, but she's had the last 3

weeks at sea to work on the tan, and I'm sure she mentioned

something about Cannibals the other day...

GUYBRUSH takes down a note stuck on a banana tree and reads

GUYBRUSH Somebody lives on this island. They've left a note! "To the

ghost pirate LeChuck: I must ask you once again to curtailyour nightly activities in the Monkey Head area. Decent

people are trying to sleep. Kindly keep the noise level

down. -Herman Toothrot. P.S. I saw you taking that woman

with the scarf down there!" Elaine!

GUYBRUSH pockets the note. HERMAN enters.

HERMAN Hey, nice notice. Looks just like -- Say, where IS my

notice? Oh, perfect. I'm gone five minutes and somebody

comes in here and tears down my notices. Naturally I don't

think YOU had anything to do with it. I'm sure it's just a

coincidence that you came in here to prowl around right

after some MYSTERIOUS person tore my notice down.

GUYBRUSH Er, sorry.

HERMAN Look at that fabulous ship out there! Did you come in that?

Actually, it looks a lot like a ship I used to own... Big

problem with that ship- using the rowboat would unbalance

the ship, and lead to the whole thing capsizing.

GUYBRUSH Uh oh. (Looks out to the ship) Now that you mention it, my

ship is looking a little... sideways. I'm sorry, are you a

castaway here?

HERMAN You think I stay here for my health? (looks at audience)Hoo, boy. My name's Herman Toothrot. I was 'shipwrecked'

here 20 years ago when my ship was commandeered by monkeys.

And who are you, ponytail boy?

GUYBRUSH I'm Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate. I'm here to rescue

someone.

HERMAN Well, here I am. Glad you came to rescue me. ...Though you

might have been earlier. The fine on that overdue library

book should be pretty big by now. Let's go.

GUYBRUSH Er... That's not exactly what I meant. I sailed here in

pursuit of the Governor of Mle Island, who's beenkidnapped by a ghost.

HERMAN Oh fine, DON'T rescue me. I like it here. The rain on my



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head, the wind at my back... ...the bugs on my plate...

GUYBRUSH Um... Well, perhaps I could take you back, too... ...but

I've got to rescue the governor, first. I think she's on

that ghost-ship underground.

HERMAN Oh, OK. (To the audience) He's probably talking about the

pirates under the giant monkey head.

GUYBRUSH Who are you talking to?

HERMAN Why, the people watching, of course.

GUYBRUSH (looks at audience) Um... sure. (Back to HERMAN)

HERMAN Those ghost jerks have been bugging me for months! Wailing

and moaning until all hours of the morning... scaring away

every passing ship that could rescue me!

GUYBRUSH But if I can get to LeChuck, I heard that I need an ancient

voodoo root to destroy him.

HERMAN He keeps the root close to him underground. Going down

there practically enlists you onto his crew.

GUYBRUSH You'll be enlisted?

HERMAN You'll be dead!

GUYBRUSH Yeah. I was also told to watch out for Cannibals on this

island

HERMAN I'm sorry, but there aren't any cannibals here!

GUYBRUSH Can you take me to the ghost pirate's secret lair?

HERMAN At the Giant Monkey Head? Sure, but I won't take you

inside, that's your own funeral. (Looks at audience) Hehehe

They exit. End Scene

Scene 12 Giant monkey head. GUYBRUSH is clambering inside. Lighting

is very red (Hell-like). BONE stands there alone.

GUYBRUSH Wow, that was the second biggest monkey head I've ever

seen! Wait, what's going on here? Where's the legion of

undead pirates? I was ready to fight my way to the root and

finish this once and for all.

BONE EEP! You scared me half to death!

GUYBRUSH What happened to LeChuck's ship?

BONE They all left for the wedding.

GUYBRUSH What wedding?

BONE LeChuck is marrying the Governor of Mle Island.

GUYBRUSH WHAT? But how will they... Where is the wedding?

BONE There's a lovely church on Mle Island. They're headedthere.

GUYBRUSH Mle Island? Oh, no! Why are YOU still here?



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BONE Captain LeChuck decided it would be too dangerous taking

the voodoo root with him to Melee Island, what with all

those pirates that would rather he wasn't unliving anymore.

So I'm here, guarding it. Shame, too. I hate to miss the

wedding.

GUYBRUSH Good news! Captain LeChuck actually sent me to look after

the root.

BONE You don't look very ghostlike to me. You're very pink...

GUYBRUSH I suffer from a rare pigmentation efficiency syndrome.

BONE Well, OK. But where's that dank, musty, beyond-the-grave

ghostly smell?

GUYBRUSH It's busy being overpowered by your own deathly stench.

BONE Aww thanks, glad you noticed? I rubbed a dead crab over me

for the wedding. Okay, you take the root, I'll see if I cancatch up to the ship. Bye!

BONE hands GUYBRUSH the root and runs off.

GUYBRUSH I've got to go after them! I've got to stop that wedding!!

GUYBRUSH leaves. End Scene.

Scene 13 GUYBRUSH arrives back at the beach. HERMAN is stood there

staring out to sea.

GUYBRUSH Darnit, there goes LeChuck's ship.

HERMAN You missed quite a show! Your ship capsized! It was

amazing, first the mast hit the water, then this pirate

looking type fell straight into the drink. Yessir, it was

quite the spectacle!

GUYBRUSH Herman, I've got the root!

HERMAN Wow! Not Kidding! You're not such a wimp afterall! I just

need to make a brew from the fermented root.

Herman turns around

HERMAN A secret voodoo technique I learnt... No peeking. I can'tdo it when people are watching... (Turns head to address

audience) That means you too (Turns away again).

HERMAN finishes up and hands it to GUYBRUSH

HERMAN One squirt of that stuff and the ectoplasm really hits the

fan! And if you have any left over, it's delicious with a

little vanilla icecream.

GUYBRUSH Thanks for this, but it's useless now. I missed the boat to

the wedding.

HERMAN Hey! No problem! We can take mine! Let's go!

GUYBRUSH If you have a ship, why are you waiting to be rescued?

HERMAN Why, heck, if you're stranded, you've GOT to be rescued.



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Says so in the rules.

GUYBRUSH Will you take me to Mle Island?

HERMAN I'll lend you my ship, if you promise to rescue me with it.

GUYBRUSH OK.HERMAN Let's go.

They run out. End Scene.

Scene

14.

The wedding! LECHUCK stands at the alter with his bride,

MANCOMB is marrying them. GUYBRUSH enters the church.

GUYBRUSH Well, that was certainly easier than the trip TO Monkey

Island

MANCOMB ...if there be any man with reason that these two...

...er... ...people should not be united in blissful

matrimony... ...let him speak now or forever hold his

peace.

GUYBRUSH STOP THE WEDDING!!

MANCOMB Hey! It's Guybrush Threepwood!

GUYBRUSH comes closer.

LECHUCK You!

GUYBRUSH Take THIS, you vaporous voodoo vermin!

LECHUCK Take WHAT? Are ye trying to bribe me?

Suddenly, ELAINE leaps in, sword in hand.

GUYBRUSH Governor!

LECHUCK Governor!

MANCOMB Governor?

LECHUCK What's going on?

ELAINE Oh, Guybrush, you mad fool! I'm impressed that you came to

rescue me, but it really wasn't necessary. I had everything

well in hand. Unfortunately, your arrival has made itnecessary for me to tip my hand early.

LECHUCK ...how... ...who... but... ...what... ...I... ...um...

GUYBRUSH How did you manage to escape?

ELAINE Oh, that was easy. LeChuck is a bozo,

LECHUCK Hey!

ELAINE and lots of his crew members were friends of mine, when

they were alive.

GUYBRUSH I thought LeChuck was going to marry you.

LECHUCK Yes, so did I!

ELAINE Yes, so did he! But I arranged for a little surprise when



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it came time to kiss the bride.

GUYBRUSH If you're here, then who's that in the dress?

The bride turns around, revealing that it is actually

PIRATE 1 holding a bottle of root beer.

GUYBRUSH I see! He's got a bottle of the voodoo root that destroys

ghosts!

LECHUCK He's got WHAT?

LeChuck kicks down PIRATE 1, who loses the bottle of root.

GUYBRUSH ...oops...

ELAINE Nice going, Guybrush.

GUYBRUSH ...but... ...I... ...er... ...hey...

LECHUCK You dared to come here and confront me! I can't believe

your audacity!

GUYBRUSH Well, I can't believe your stupidity.

LECHUCK Well, I can't believe your frivolity.

GUYBRUSH Well, I can't believe your enormity.

LECHUCK I grow tired of you. (pulls out his sword)

GUYBRUSH A swordfight, eh? (Pulls out his sword) No one will ever

catch me fighting as badly as YOU do!

LECHUCK Oh really? You run that fast?

LECHUCK knocks GUYBRUSH down with the hilt of his sword.

GUYBRUSH Oh no!

LECHUCK Come now Guybrush.

LECHUCK helps GUYBRUSH to his feet

LECHUCK What is this? (Finds the root that GUYBRUSH is carrying)

Now I thought we'd be fighting fairly. Ye won't be needin'

THIS!

LECHUCK throws the root away and drops GUYBRUSH onto his

feet. Fighting stances.

LECHUCK My last fight ended with my hands covered in blood!GUYBRUSH I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

GUYBRUSH knocks LECHUCK's sword out of his hand.

GUYBRUSH Haha!

GUYBRUSH stabs at LECHUCK who just laughs, pulls out and

discards the sword. LECHUCK punches Guybrush under the

audience.

GUYBRUSH Hey, nice shoes. Wait, Root beer? (Getting up with root

beer, addressing the nearest audience member) May I borrow

this? It's a long shot but...

LECHUCK picks GUYBRUSH up again.

LECHUCK You fight like a coward!



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GUYBRUSH How appropriate, you fight like a cow!

Before he can get a punch in, GUYBRUSH uses the root beer

on LECHUCK.

LECHUCK --urk-- Gasp! --choke-- Aiiieeee! (dies)

As Lechuck dies, the rooms flickers like a fireworks

display. Elaine enters.

ELAINE Hey...

GUYBRUSH Yikes! Don't sneak up on me like that!

ELAINE Sorry

GUYBRUSH That's OK. You know, LeChuck was a deviant, obnoxious,

slithery, creepy-crawly sort of a guy, but I'll say one

thing for him...

ELAINE What's that?

GUYBRUSH He sure looks nice exploding.

ELAINE Yes, it's very romantic. Can I buy you a root beer?

GUYBRUSH Actually, I'm a bit sick of root beer. I wish me crew could

have seen this...

MANCOMB and PIRATE 1 begin to leave together

MANCOMB That was something. Nice dress.

PIRATE 1 Thanks, I found it at the Swordmaster's house. She wasn't

in, so I just took it.

MANCOMB Funny that.

MANCOMB AND PIRATE 1 exit

GUYBRUSH At least I learned something from all of this...

ELAINE What's that?

GUYBRUSH How to deal with frustration, disappointment, and

irritating cynicism.

ELAINE That sounds like something my husband would say.

GUYBRUSH Yikes!

THE END

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The Secret Of Monkey Island

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