178
The Spiral Life (Novel)
Copyrights are reserved for the
author– Abbas Ali Mahmood
Elictronic First edition–2014
All rights are reserved. No part of this book should
be published, reduced for retrieval, copied in any
method: electronic, mechanical, photography,
recording or otherwise without the prior and written
consent of the author.
Other Publications of the Author:
1. Islamic Strategy
2. Your Career Path - Develop your Business Portfolio
Translated By:
Dr. Hassan Ahmed Al Lawati
Contact the Author
00968 9538 5151 (WhatsApp)
Contents
About the Author
Prologue
Lost
Tough Situations
Story of Life
Perpetual Spiral of Life
Love Makes Miracles
4 About the Author
About the Author
A holder of a range of fellowships, academic
and world professional qualifications such as
"Certified Public Accountant" (CPA) from USA,
"Certified Management Consultant” (CMC) from UK,
"Chartered Manager” (CMgr) from UK and "Certified
Fraud Examiner" (CFE) from USA. He is a Fellow of
the “Institute of Consulting” (IC) - UK, a
professional member of the “Institute of
Management Consultancy” (IMC) – USA and a
Fellow member of the “Chartered Management
Institute” (CMI) - UK. Abbas holds two B.A.
degrees, one in Accounting and the other in
Economy, in addition to "postgraduate diploma
degree in Business Administration" from Heriot -
Watt University, UK.
One of a few thousand globally who is
authorised by the “International Council of
Management Consulting Institutes” (ICMCI), a UN
sanctioned non-government organisation to practice
as a Management Consultant.
Awarded the title of "Fellow" in management
consultancy i.e. the highest level of professional
membership, and is awarded to those who can
demonstrate evidence of significant contribution to
5 About the Author
the management consultancy profession. This status
is awarded to less than a thousand management
consultant around the world until 2009.
Over 20 years’ experience in Strategic
Management, Leadership, Risk Management,
Change Management, Organizational Development,
Business Processes, Audit, Finance, Accounting,
Budgets and Plans, Business Development, and
Human Resources Development in challenging and
senior executive level positions within renowned
professional firms and large and multidisciplinary
organizations.
Studied Islamic doctrines and creed in Iran for
6 years.
6 Prologue
Prologue
I am not a scholar in religion, nor am I
specialized in the Islamic doctrines. I am not a
novelist or an author. I do not claim any of these
titles. I am just an ordinary person who sails in this
life with his small family, in pursuit of a good life,
security, truth and Allah’s blessing. Life faces me,
like anyone else, with all of its might and
complexities, as if meaning to challenge him, and
yet I do not panic or retreat, but go forward
defending my survival, dignity, and values. My
armor is patience, will, and contemplation. I find
help in what my humble understanding can reach in
the wonderful values, concepts, and techniques of
Islam that are embedded in the Islamic texts and
embodied in our Islamic doctrines. At times I was
thrilled by victory, and other times I sipped through
bitterness of defeat. I occasionally outdid myself,
and often felt powerless, but each time I felt weak, I
sensed the divine hand extending towards me. In all
this, I wondered at the pressing mysteries and
dilemmas of life, existence and universe. But while I
was challenged by these mysteries, I started seeing
through them one by one and integrating the jigsaw
pieces for the bigger fascinating picture of the
creation by the divine hand.
7 Prologue
This novel is allegorical because the concepts
and techniques in it are real. I have tried and
practiced them myself time after time in situations
even tougher than that of the protagonist of this
novel. These concepts and techniques enabled me
to enjoy happiness and peace of mind in a life in
which, it seemed, the stronger you prove to be, the
rougher and harsher it becomes.
Many were the questions about life and the
existence that disturbed me. I am sure they disturb
many others around me, but we avoid them in a
way we avoid many things in life. I chose to face
these questions since my childhood and I chose not
to believe in anything just because I am told. When
I believed in Allah and recognized his beauty and
might, as much as my limited mind allows, I
realized how big the secrets and facts in the
universe are.
1- Does God (Allah) really exist? Or is his merely
fiction? Why must there be a creator? Why can’t
the creator have a creator? Can there be a co-
creator? How do we know that Allah is generous
and honest in his promises to us? How do we
know that He has all the attributes of perfection
as described by Him? What is Allah? Will we be
able one day to see Him?
2- Does Allah really love us and have mercy on us?
Why then, did He create ailments and diseases?
Why does He allow people to starve and die of
8 Prologue
sickness? Why did He create the criminals,
germs and beasts? Why did He make some of
us smarter and wealthier while others are poor,
sick or less smart? Why did He not create us
directly in the heavens instead of on Earth
where we suffer torments, err and then are
subject to His wrath?
3- Why did Allah create us? What does He want
from us in this life? Is it to reconstruct Earth?
But then why? Does He need us to reconstruct
Earth? Is Earth more important than humans?
Why did He create Earth in the first place? Did
He create us to worship Him? But why? He does
not need our worship; it does not add anything
to Him.
4- Is death indignating and torment? How could it
not be; we hear that those who die suffer the
severest of torment, right from the moment of
dying to the compression in the grave and the
torture in Al Barzakh (1) by ‘Monker and Nakeer
(2)’, and ending up in hell. But, do they not say
that death is the ascension to Allah? How, then,
1 ‘Al Barzakh’ is an Arabic word meaning an isthmus or separation and in
Islamic literature it denotes the intermediate life between this life and the final
life. It begins with death and ends with resurrection at the judgment day.
(Translator)
2 Monker and Nakeer are the names in the Islamic literature of the two angels
who would undertake the initial questioning of people right after death.
(Translator)
9 Prologue
could the ascension to Allah be torture and
misery?
5- Why would he torture us in hell? What would he
lose if we committed few sins without meaning
to challenge His authority? We did it only out of
our whims of lust, weakness, and ignorance.
Why are we punished for short-lasting sins like
listening to songs for long periods of times that
is millions of time out of proportion to our sins?
Do we not consider unjust to burn someone
cursing us? Why, then, do we consider the
burning of cursers in hell as a just punishment?
Is it because it came from Allah? Is it because
He is stronger than us?
6- Why did Allah insist that we pray to Him and
ask Him our needs? If He already knows my
desires and needs, and He can fulfill them, then
why would He make it a condition that we pray
to Him? Does He need the prayers?
7- Did Allah not create us to worship Him? Why,
then, he allowed Satan to seduce us, exploiting
our lusts and weaknesses resulting in afterlife
misery? Why did Allah answer the request of
Satan to live long enough to seduce us? Is it
because Satan provoked Him, highly exalted be
He above this. Or is it that Allah hates us? Is
this not a great injustice? Is this not
contradicting the purpose of creation to begin
with?
10 Prologue
All these questions and many more, are what
this novel tries to deal with in a simple, but realistic
way. I have tried to make the allegory suitable for
the public taste and human instincts. I have
certainly attempted to abide by the religious texts
as well as the life around us. Hopefully this makes
the narrative vibrant and resonant with happiness.
Chapter One
Lost
12 Lost
Lost
July 1996
Muttrah, Sultanate of Oman
With all the grief in my heart, gripping my
chest, seizing my entire being, my feet barely
carried me. I was frustrated like never before, my
feelings painted everything around me with dark
colors. The skies over me roared in violence, dark
clouds overshadowed the sun with gloom and
sorrow, rain poured in heavily. I was walking on the
seaside street known as ‘Corniche’ to no particular
destination. My tears were burning hot, mixing with
cold rain drops. My body shivered in chills in this
cold air, or perhaps it was my helplessness.
Memories passed slow and bitter in my mind,
uprooting the remains of peace in my depths.
Questions were storming me, throwing me in the
hell of doubt.
“Why me?” I wondered “Why fate insists to
fight me? I am not asking for much. Why should I
be deprived of the little that everyone else has? I
work harder than others. Why?
I lived poor, yet I never complained. Instead, I
studied well and replaced my poverty with
13 Lost
excellence in school. Father always told me that our
poverty is a blessing of Allah, as it keeps us pushing
in life to excel and get rewarded on afterlife;
whereas, the rich don’t have this motivation.
Where are you father? I need you so much. I
miss you so much. Why did you leave me? With
whom have you left me? I had this fate. How
horrible it is turning moments of peace and
happiness to a calamity! How harsh it could be! Woe
to it. I do not want to be an unbeliever, but I can’t
take it anymore. Why God? Why?
My father told me you love us and you created
us to make us happier and that you reward those
who thank you with good and abundance. Why then
make me miserable when you know that I love you?
I was regular on prayers. I prayed with all my heart.
I trust you without limits. You were good with me
and kept on telling me you will support me. I never
forgot your support of me during all the hardships in
my life. So why give up on me now? What did I do
to deserve the punishment? You know well I do not
disobey you on purpose. Could it be that you were
angry at me because I had moments of weakness
and was listening to the songs in private? I swear to
you I did not do it in disregard to you, but only
because of my frail will, and I was repenting every
time. Is it possible that you are avenging me for my
disobedience? But you are not like that. You love us
and know how weak we are; that’s what my father
14 Lost
kept telling me. Was my dad wrong? O’ God, what is
happening to me? I started to become an
unbeliever. I can’t go on thinking.
Father, where are you? I loved your
passionate, warm smile. I loved your inspiring,
encouraging looks. I loved your hand caressing my
head with love. I loved talking and playing with you.
You were my friend, my idol, and you inspired my
strength. Looking at you, I used to find my bearings
and felt like owning the whole world. I never
imagined one day you would leave me. I never
thought I could survive without you. But you let me
down O’ father. But no, you didn’t; you were made
to leave me– it is the fate. You left me alone when I
was in most need of you, in my high school year,
the pivotal year that would determine my future and
fate. Why father? Why?
Father, remember when one day you came
into the house with an elegant table as a gift for me
being promoted to the high school. It was the first
piece of new furniture we had at home, which made
the day of everyone. Despite being small, it
occupied a lot of space, but everyone was happy as
it made studying easier for me in that critical year.
The goal was clear– I should attain the first rank in
Oman.
A call of alert was declared at home–everyone
was set to serve me and work for my ease. My
younger twin sisters, born after a long time of
15 Lost
waiting, stopped bugging me and understood the
situation despite their young age. My grandmother
never stopped praying for me. My mother made me
her sole and highest priority. Everything was so
wonderful for one month–a month of happiness like
never before. But it was only a month.
Happy things don’t last. On that gloomy day
fate declared war against me, a reckless driver took
everything from me. My dad was dead, and with
him, all my dreams were over. It was an unbearable
pain and sorrow. A feeling of loneliness mixed with
fear. My father was gone. I wished I had gone with
him. In my life, I never wanted anything other than
him. I wish I could understand this cruel life. Oh
God, I am so lost.
Days went by slowly and bitterly as if taking
delight in my torment, increasing my sorrow and
depression. I was helpless and gave in. I lost my
desire for life and wished death; the death that I
hated for taking away my father. It wasn’t getting
used to pain that made me come back to life. I
mustered the remnants of strength from the depths
of my heart. I had another nightmare to consider–
my mother; she was mourning my father silently. I
had to take care of my family, for whom I felt
obliged to provide.
I went back to school after several weeks of
absence. I tried catching up with whatever I missed
during that time. I had to make my late father
16 Lost
proud of me. That seemed impossible initially. I
started taking the role of my father providing
comfort for my family. But I was trapped in deep
sorrow every now and then, and had lapses of
control over my feelings. I was able to recompose
myself, or whatever pieces left of me to be precise.
The days of final exams came and I was
prepared for them. But the target was to get a
grade entitling me for admission in Sultan Qaboos
University–the best university in the country, or at
least in one of the governmental technical colleges.
I was all set and felt confident even without my
father beside me. I felt that Allah would never let
me down. My father told me time and again that
Allah gives more of his blessings to those who thank
him. He told me Allah never disappoints those who
seek His help and believe in Him. No doubt I was
one of them. I prayed, trusted and loved Him. I
even loved Him more than I loved my father. He is
my God. He can’t let me down, not when I made
such huge efforts and showed a supreme will.
I appeared for the exams, one by one, and did
well, probably great, till the last one–math. I don’t
know what happened to me on that day. I dipped
back in intense grief and lost my grip; my eyes
welled in tears and I couldn’t focus on the exam. I
prayed to Allah to help me calm down. I tried my
best. Minutes passed slowly till the end of the exam.
I walked out not knowing how I did, but I kept my
17 Lost
faith in God. He surely knew that I was the hope for
my family after my father is gone. He knew there
was no way I could provide for my small family
unless I got in to college. He would never abandon
me, if not for my sake, probably because I listened
to songs sometimes, then at least for the sake of
my believing and faithful family.
I wish I did not trust Him. O’ God forgive me.
But had I not raised my hopes, I would not have
exhausted myself in vain. I wish I knew why? Why
God? I only needed a few more marks to get into
the college, just a few more. It is easy O’ God, so
why didn’t you help me? I was asking but for a
little. Why were you doing this to me? Why? I
couldn’t understand you. Why give me up when I
most need you and what I was asking was so easy
to you? Did you not create us? Are you not in
charge of us? Are you not the absolute almighty?
Did you not say in the Quran ‘Call upon Me, I will
answer you?’ Well, I called upon you so many times,
so where was your answer? Do you really love us?
were you hearing me? Do you even care? Will you
help me? Are you really there or are you just an
illusion in my mind? If you were there, how could I
know you are capable of everything? And that you
were up to your word? And that you love us?
Indeed, if you were perfect, then why create us? Is
it to make us happy as they keep saying? How could
I have believed that when you abandoned me and
didn’t even help me get the grade to get in to
18 Lost
college despite my love for you since childhood, and
despite my faith and prayers?
Rain became heavier and the skies got darker.
Thunder drummed louder roaring in anger of what I
was thinking. Were my thoughts that of the
unbeliever? Were you angry at me? I love you and
have no one but you. O’ God, if you leave me I shall
perish. Please help me. I am lost and helpless.
My feet led me to ‘Riyam Park’, the place I
used to play soccer with my father. I laid down on
the grass exhausted and surrendered to fate. I
closed my eyes and went in to deep sleep. I woke
up to the sound of my mother’s weeping as she
embraced me in horror.
“Mom? What are you doing here in this
weather? You will get sick?”
“Come on son. Let’s go home.” And she burst
to tears.
I embraced my mother holding her hand and
walked with her toward home. At that moment, all I
thought of was my poor mother, who had a lot more
to worry about than me. She had to keep her
bearings for the sake of the family.
The road back from Riyam Park to our home at
‘Sur Al Lawatia (3)’ was long and scary in this
3 Sur Al Lawatia is a residential area near the Corniche street in Muttrah city.
It used to be the stronghold of Al Lawatia tribe before they scatter over the
19 Lost
stormy weather. I even felt we could be blown off
by the wind or dragged by the high tide. I felt
sorrier when I saw my grandmother and my two
sisters waiting on the doorstep praying and crying
of fear.
It was warm in the house and a few minutes
later, I changed my clothes. I had a quick look at
my mother, dumped myself over my cotton
mattress, covered myself with the blanket and went
into a deep sleep. I woke up feeling feverish and
hot. I was exhausted and sick after the cold rain
shower earlier. I felt better when I knew my mother
was fine.
I guess my sickness was a sort of punishment
for my stupid behavior yesterday when I ran outside
feeling I could outrun my destiny leaving my mother
and family. The real punishment was not in my
sickness, but that my mother had to bring in a
doctor to the home to have a look at me. This cost
us more and we had to buy the medicines also. At
that point, I vowed not to lose control over myself
ever again. Losing control meant more suffering for
my family, and they had enough already.
# # # # #
rest of the capital area in the 1980s. It is still inhabited by some elderly people
(around 60 houses of the total 240 houses in the place). It remains a
rendezvous for many social and religious functions of the tribe.
20 Lost
Days went by and I fought the fever.
Gradually, I felt better and my mood became
clearer. One day I woke up and found my mother
sewing the ‘Kumma (4)’ to pay for our increasing
financial demands. I thought of my family’s
situation and of the available options. The 229 riyal
(5) pension salary for my late father was barely
enough. Luckily, the installments of the car were
taken over by the insurance company after the
death of my father, and the rent for our small house
in Sur Al Lawatia was inexpensive, but even with
that, the pension salary was hardly enough for us to
eat, especially with the growing cost of living.
I don’t know, maybe this was why Allah did
not help me to get into the college. Maybe I had to
work to take some burden off my mom’s shoulders
and help provide for my sisters, but who would hire
a high school graduate? And for what salary? Maybe
I should look for a sales representative post in one
of the departmental stores.
“Mom. I will go out looking for a job.”
“Good morning, sweetheart,” she said with a
sweet and warm smile.”Don’t worry about that right
now. Allah will work it out for us, and you will
4 Kumma is a hat made of fabric and is part of the local Omani customs. Its
sewing takes around a month and is sold for around 100 USD.
5 Around 600 USD
21 Lost
complete your college and become the best doctor
in the world.”
A bitter smile mixed with sadness imprinted on
my face. It was the wish of the whole family that I
become a renowned doctor. But these were only
dreams. Fate hated me and countered me. I had no
strength to fight the circumstances. I had to be
realistic and leave these sweet dreams for the
wealthy ones.
“Mom. Do you still trust in Allah after all that
He did to us?” I asked.
“I ask forgiveness of Allah. Dear son, please do
not say that. Allah did only good to us,” she said.
“I wish I had your faith, mom. How do you
keep your faith?”
“Sweetheart, your father did not die. He only
waits for us in the world of Al Barzakh. We shall
meet him there one day. It is a world of no pain
where we are guests of Allah and He shall be
generous to us.”
“If Allah is so generous, then why does He not
be generous right not? Why does He torture us in
this world?”
This must have provoked my mother. Her tone
became louder as she decisively replied, “Allah does
not torture us. He is not unkind. Don’t ever say that
again. I can’t bear hearing this nonsense about
22 Lost
Allah. Sweetheart, listen well. Allah was able not to
create me, but He did, and He does not want
anything from me. He gave me you and your
sisters, and your grandma, and your dad. When
your dad went to paradise, I knew there is
something awaiting us, and we shall all go there
and be together. But for now, and until we meet
Allah, it is enough to be happy with you. I love Allah
because He loves us back and bestows His graces
on us even if we do not know how. Allah says in the
Quran ‘and it maybe that you dislike a thing while
it is good for you, and it maybe that you love a
thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows,
while you do not know.’
The zealous answer of my mother and her
defense and trust of Allah were inspirational. Is it
the faith of the elderly? I wish I had it, but my
mother was not elderly. She was just sixteen years
older than me. She was in her mid-thirties. While it
was true that she did not complete her college, she
remained well-read, although after my father
passed she kept her readings to the Quran and
prayers. Anyway, this was one of the rare occasions
I saw my mother so intense.
“I am sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to offend
you,” I apologized while I kissed her blessed hand
tenderly.
“I am sorry, sweetheart, for my impulse. Why
don’t you discuss this matter with your uncle Issa?
23 Lost
He used to be a student in the religious school long
ago.” She returned to her calm voice.
“I will go to him right now. I need to talk to
him about a job also,” I said.
She hesitated to allow me out as I wasn’t fully
recovered, but she was also concerned about the
bad ideas I had about God, so she let me go. I
changed and set out right to my uncle’s office. I
wasn’t sure he would be there or if he had time to
see me, but I had to try. Our phone line was
disconnected two months after my father’s death for
unpaid dues, so I could not call him to set an
appointment. Anyway, I was prepared to wait for
hours if I had to in order to see him. It just couldn’t
wait.
My uncle is a wonderful person, full of passion
and good. He worked as a Human Resources
Director in one of the oil companies. He was
educated and smart. He conversed well with others
and was a religious person. His personality inspired
peace and comfort. He was the closest of my uncles
to me, perhaps because he was the youngest one
(he was two years younger than my mother) or
perhaps because of his style with people.
# # # # #
Like any other summer day in the Arabian
Peninsula, it was a hot sunny day. You would not
24 Lost
believe that it was raining cats and dogs just a few
days ago. Fifteen minutes of walk and I was
knocking on the door of my uncle’s office. He was
on his way out. I apologized for showing up without
an appointment, but he was happy to see me.
“I can spare 10 minutes for a cup of tea while
you tell me about this pleasant visit. Then I will
leave you for an hour till the lunch break. We can go
out for lunch.What do you think?”
“Sounds great.”
“I will put on the tea, while you talk.”
“Uncle… I don’t even know how to start, but I
have a problem. Please hear me out and advise me,
but don’t be mad at me.”
“Sure. Go on.”
“You know all the problems we have been
through lately. My father died, we have financial
issues and I had a grade that was 1% less than
needed to get into the college.”
“I know dear,” he said it in a low and sad
voice.
“Right now, I have to look for a job. I have to
take off some of mother’s burden. I need you to
help me in this.”
“Sure, but tell me; don’t you want to finish
your college first?”
25 Lost
“Of course I do, but these dreams are not for
the poor ones. Fate hates me,” I said calmly but
sadly.
My eyes welled in tears. I planned to hold my
gloomy feelings back, but I couldn’t. My uncle got
up from his chair, sat next to me and held my hand.
“This is my second problem. I have lost faith in
Allah. I know this is sort of blasphemy, God forbid,
but it is out of my hand, and I can’t think away the
doubt. I do believe in Allah and I am a Muslim, but I
can’t settle in my mind that Allah is there and that
He loves us, is not unjust with us, and that He is
omnipotent.” I spat it all out.
“You feel Allah abandoned you when your
father passed away and because you couldn’t get
enough grades to get into college despite your hard
work.” He was trying to put things into perspective.
“We never stopped praying, but He did not
help us. He let me down. He let my whole family
down despite we all love Him so much. If He were
there, or if He had the goodness of any ordinary
human, He wouldn’t abandon us after our faith and
trust in Him.”
“What if I proved to you the contrary; that
your prayers were answered and you were stopped
from committing a big mistake you would have
made if you had the grades to enroll in the college?
And He had done so knowing that you will be happy
26 Lost
and thankful if He let you on the wrong path and
feeling disavowed if He acted in your best interest.
Maybe this is by itself a lesson to learn.”
“I don’t quite understand.”
“That’s because I didn’t explain yet. Listen, I
have to leave now, but I will be back in an hour. I
will explain to you how Allah actually protected you
and answered your prayers and paved the way for
you to complete college for a brighter future when
He didn’t allow you to get the required grades for
the scholarship.”
“This doesn’t make any sense. Anyway, you go
now and I will wait.”
“Feel at home here; nobody will disturb you.
You can pray over there as it is time for noon
prayer. Call auntie Safia, your mother’s neighbor, so
she can tell her that you will stay with me till
Maghreb prayer. And when you finish prayer, use
this computer to search the internet for ‘Career path
planning’. See you later.”
“Ok.”
He left the office, but his words stayed with
me and were like a fine thread of light in my dark
situation. Is he right in what he said? Was I hasty in
my judgment of Allah? “Forgive me God. Are you
angry of me now? I love you despite of what I say
and feel. I am lost. Please God, if you love me, then
make me understand and don’t leave me in my
27 Lost
confusion. After that do whatever you want with
me. I need you; will you abandon me while I pray
for you?”
Once more, my eyes welled in tears, only this
time I let it go. I found my hand extending towards
the office of my uncle to grab the copy of Quran on
it. I opened it to a random page and read inside. A
deep chill struck me when I read the verse ‘and (as
for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most
certainly guide them in our ways; and Allah is
most surely with the doers of good’. I couldn’t
contain myself and started weeping loud, but this
time in gratitude and appreciation, albeit still not
understanding how.
I prayed and called our neighbor Safia. I was
in no mood to search the internet, so I laid down on
the comfy couch in the office and shut my eyes to
rest.
I woke up when my uncle’s hand touched my
shoulder. “Seems you are still tired and ill. Want me
to take you home and postpone the lunch for later?”
“Not a chance; not after I found hope. I am
fine, and by the way, how is Tamer?” Tamer was his
nine-year-old son.
“He also mentions you a lot. He likes playing
soccer in the ‘Nintendo (6)’ with you. By the way, I
6 An electronic game before the days of PlayStation.
28 Lost
took the rest of the day off so we can enjoy like the
good old days.”
We left the office and got into his car. I was
waiting for him to start talking. After few minutes of
silence, he finally spoke.
“Tell me, if you had passengers you want to
take from one place to another, would you use a
luxury BMW car or a minibus?”
“A BMW.” I answered.
“And your answer is incorrect. If the number of
passengers is more than four, you will have to
divide them over two trips and in this case a
minibus would be a lot better than the BMW. If,
however, their number is less than four, then the
BMW is the right choice. Isn’t that right?”
“Indeed it is. I didn’t think of the number of
passengers.”
“And you would have made the same mistake
if you were to be admitted to the Sultan Qaboos
University or any other college. Allah protected you
and made you get a slightly less grade that keeps
you from this mistake. Perhaps the slight difference
in grade denotes his care of you and to make you
wonder about the reason, as you actually did.”
“I fail to see how my admission to the college
could be a mistake when I want to be in college!”
29 Lost
“Let’s say you got into the college. In a few
months your sisters will get into the school and the
living costs would rise. It is possible that your
mother will get tired of sewing Kummah. You and
your mother absolutely refuse our help. Tell me how
you would continue your college without enough
income for your family’s daily life.”
I pondered his words for moments. “So what is
the solution?”
“The minibus.”
“Meaning?”
“Means you work at a day job to add to the
income and to get some experience to help you
succeed in your career. In the evening you can
study at a private college, which will cost you part
of your salary.”
“Sounds reasonable.”
“But it is difficult to work and study at the
same time.”
“No doubt it is, but I am not worried about
that. I don’t know how I missed this solution.”
“Because we are used to do what others do
and we don’t plan for our lives individually. Anyway,
if you liked this solution, then I have some advice
for your career. We will discuss that at home.”
I spent a good time at my uncle’s house. We
had lunch in a cozy ambience and then I continued
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my talk with my uncle. We discussed my career
target. My plan involved working in a public
relations job and preparing a professional
qualification in management accounting like CME.
This was expected to last for about a year, after
which I would look for a job in accounting with a
bigger salary. At the same time, I would start the
college studies in the evening time by my own
funding. If things went as planned, in five years
from now I would have a degree and five years
experience, four of which in accounting. I would also
have an international fellowship in management
accounting from the States. This meant I would be
far better off than my colleagues who went to the
college right after the high school.
# # # # #
I felt very happy that night, coiled in my bed
and covered by a heavy blanket. It was a small
room and the air conditioning unit was right in front
of me. My grandma and my twin sisters were
asleep, whereas my mother, as usual, was praying
with devotion, crying silently.
I have never felt that comfortable since the
death of my father. The last few weeks were like
being in a boat in a thunderous storm, tossed by
high surf. But now I felt as if the storm had thrown
me on a beautiful island where I found a treasure I
had never dreamt of—solution for our financial
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problems, a bright future and a faith I had almost
lost in Allah.
The fact that I had been through this tempestl
haunted me and muddied my happiness. I didn’t
want to undergo the same situation of loss of faith
again, so I agreed with uncle Issa to see him after
the Friday prayer for a longer talk to reexamine the
foundations of my faith.
# # # # #
It was one of the hottest days in summer. We
walked to uncle Issa’s luxurious car. I was trying to
arrange my thoughts and questions in my mind. The
car had leather seats, although a sign of luxury in
cars, it had an adverse effect of being very hot in
summer.
“Sorry, I forgot to cover the screen.”
“No problem.”
“You seem to accept the fact that the seat was
very hot. Why?”
“Isn’t it natural? The weather is really hot.”
“What if it was one of the winter days? Would
you have thought the seat was very hot?”
“Of course not. The seat wouldn’t be hot in
winter.”
“Why?”
32 Lost
“There is no reason for it to be hot. What is
your point?”
“Bear with me. Would you accept that fire is
hot even in winter?”
“Yes, sure.”
“So what is the difference between the seat
and the fire with regards to being hot? Why would
you accept the fire being hot in winter, but not the
seat?”
“Fire is fire, and can never be other than hot,
while the temperature of the seat depends on the
temperature of air around it.”
“Let me rephrase your statement. You believe
that heat cannot be separated from fire because
heat is inherent to fire while other things can be
separated from heat and be hot or cold according to
the outside temperature and therefore, are
contingent or accidental upon theoutside
temperature.”
“Yes, you can say so.”
The streets were becoming lighter as the heat
built up, so it didn’t take us long to reach Kargeen
restaurant at Madinat Qaboos. Uncle Issa invited me
to lunch there. He parked his car beside the
restaurant, reclined his seat and looked at me.
33 Lost
“Great. Note that even the chair has to be
attributed by some degree of heat regardless of its
temperature, right?”
“True, the outside heat, as you expressed, is
accidental to the seat. That much is clear, but how
do we distinguish between the inherent and
accidental attributes?” I asked.
“You said it in the beginning. If you can
separate the attribute from the object it is
attributed to, then it is an accidental, otherwise it is
inherent. This separation need not be external or
physical; it can be mental also. Let me ask you this:
Is tall stature an inherent or accidental to man?”
“Obvious, it is accidental. Would you now tell
me what does all of that has to do with our
subject?”
“Don’t rush it, and tell me: what about the
liquidity in the liquid water?”
“Inherent.”
“So you see; if the attribute is accidental, you
would naturally ask about the reason it is there,
whereas if it is inherent, you would not. If the paper
is wet, you would ask why, but you need not ask
why water is wet, it would not be a smart question,
would it?”
“Yes.”
34 Lost
“So is existence an inherent feature of you or
an accidental one? Is your existence mentally
separable from you or not?”
“It is accidental because there was a time I did
not exist as I am and there will be a time when I
die.”
“Right and what about the other things around
you? Is existence inherent in it or accidental to it?’
‘By the same token, because it could have
been non-existent, existence is accidental to it.”
“Very well. If existence is accidental to it and
not inherent to it, it must be lacking existence in its
core, and therefore, existence must have been
given to it. Isn’t it? And it also means there must be
another being as a source for being.”
I pondered upon his words for some time.
“Yes, indeed.”
“This source of being is rich in existence and
existence is inherent to it and inseparable from it.
You can say it emanates existence, or let’s say it is
The Existence, which we call Allah.”
“Uncle, this is a clear proof for the being of
Allah, but can I speak honestly?”
“Sure you can.”
“I acknowledge that this proves the presence
of a creator, but it does say nothing about Him
being benevolent and omnipotent and kind to us, or
35 Lost
that He does not fool us or does injustice to us, or
that He is not incomplete.”
“Yes, it does. Didn’t you agree that existence
is accidental to all other beings? What criteria did
we use to decide if it was accidental or inherent?”
“Refresh my memory please.”
“We said if the attribute is mentally or
physically separable from the object it is attributed
to, then it is accidental to it, otherwise it is inherent
to it.”
“So why do you think existence is accidental to
these creatures?”
“Because all of these things can be imagined
without really being there.”
“And that implies it has an aspect of deficiency
in its existence, because to imagine something is to
have a mental boundary for it, and if it has a
boundary, it has a limit and deficiency beyond that
limit. Do you agree?”
I thought about it for some time. “Yes. I
suppose it is.”
“And therefore, the source of existence cannot
be imagined without really being there. It cannot be
imagined at all, or it would fall in the same group of
these contingent creatures.”
“Right.”
36 Lost
“This means it has no limits, for if it had limits,
it would have a boundary and we would be able to
mentally imagine it. In other words, it has no limits
or boundaries in its existence. It also implies it is
one simple non-compound being that has no parts
or separable attributes. Compound things can be
imagined by imagining their parts, and limited
things can be defined. Isn’t that how we define
things—by their limits and boundaries?”
“Oh boy, it is so simple, yet so complicated.”
“It proves that Allah is attributes of completion
and full existence. It also proves that is impeccable
of any deficiency.”
“It seems clear, yet I need to rethink it over
and over for some time”
“Now think about this: what could be simple,
one, unlimited, and a source of existence? In other
words, existence emanates from it.”
“Oh my God,” I said it loudly, “it is The
Existence. How many times I heard that Allah is
pure existence, but I never understood it this way.”
“Yes. That is right. As there is nothing out
there but existence, and there is no such thing as
nothingness, all there is out there is existence, pure
existence, and that must be limitless existence
because what could be the boundary of existence if
there is nothing else out there?”
37 Lost
“This is getting complicated.”
“I will stop at this point to let you contemplate
longer, but before that I need to clarify one more
point. Pure existence is simple, not compound and
has no parts as I just said. This means the
attributes of existence are nothing but existence
itself. What I mean is that there is no duplicity of
the attribute and the attributable. It is just one
thing: the attribute and the attributable.”
“This is really big.”
Silence fell in for few moments, then I said,
“Now I can relate to the words of Imam Ali in one of
his sermons: ‘Praise is due to Allah…. Whom the
height of intellectual courage cannot appreciate,
and the divings of understanding cannot reach; He
for whose description no limit has been laid down,
no eulogy exists… the foremost in religion is the
acknowledgement of Him, the perfection of
acknowledging Him is to testify Him, the
perfection of testifying Him is to believe in His
Oneness, the perfection of believing in His
Oneness is to regard Him Pure, and the perfection
of His purity is to deny Him attributes, because
every attribute is a proof that it is different from
that to which it is attributed and everything to
which something is attributed is different from
the attribute. Thus whoever attaches attributes to
Allah recognizes His like…and who pointed at Him
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admitted limitations for Him; and who admitted
limitations for Him numbered Him…”
Uncle Issa smiled in satisfaction. I also
enjoyed understanding. I felt a chill as if a divine
energy moved in my whole body and soul. I never
felt this peaceful; it was a beautiful feeling. We got
out of the car, but spoke nothing. I was deep in my
thoughts turning the new concepts over and over. I
was lost, but now I have more certainty. Uncle left
me in my silence. We settled at a table in the
restaurant.
“Why don’t they teach us these wonderful
things in the mosque? Why none of the scholars at
the mosque brings this forth in their speeches?”
“We shall think into that after we order our
lunch.”
“I am not familiar with this place. You do the
ordering.”
When the food came, we were still silent. I was
still digesting the new concepts. “Uncle. By this
notion, we can also prove the monotheism, can’t
we?”
“I agree, but you tell me how.”
“If there were other gods, then each would be
limited by the other, as the second would begin
where the first ends, and vice versa, and that would
39 Lost
make both of them limited, which would make their
existence accidental instead of inherent.”
“Excellent, you got it right.”
“But then, don’t we make the boundaries for
Allah? I mean wherever I am, Allah can’t be–no two
things occupy the same place.”
“Our existence, as real as it is, is not the same
as the existence of Allah because that –as you
implied– would set limits to Allah and defeat the
whole proof, won’t it?”
I was trying to get to an answer for the riddle.
How could our existence be real and at the same
time not the same as Allah’s existence? What does
that mean?
“Let me make it easier for you, do you know
anywhere in the universe where there is absolutely
nothing else so that Allah can be in it?”
“What I know of my physics in school is that
there is no such thing as absolute vacuum, there is
always something everywhere. Are you trying to say
there is no place for Allah to be?”
“That can’t be true, can it? You find in Quran
and Hadeeth ample references that there is no place
free of Allah. ‘We are nearer to him than his life-
vein’, so how could Allah be nearer to man from the
man to himself?”
“That’s right, I never thought about it before.”
40 Lost
“Although we and the other things really exist,
our existence is merely an emanation for the divine
existence. This is much like the light and heat being
emanations of the sun. Neither of them is the sun,
nor do they compete with the sun for place.”
“That reminds me of Imam Ali’s description of
Allah: ‘He is with everything but not in physical
nearness. He is different from everything but not
in physical separation’, but I still can’t imagine how
we are emanations of Allah and yet not part of Him
and still have a real existence.”
“You can’t. Because imagination requires fully
comprehending Him and we know that full
comprehension of Allah is not possible.”
# # # # #
That evening, uncle Issa dropped me home. I
was utterly thrilled in happiness while I walked
home in the narrow and intricate alleys of Sur Al
Lawatia. I was eager to see my mother and
grandmother and to play with my sisters. I felt I
was too busy with myself for too long when they
needed me. I was selfish and it was time to make it
up to them.
When went home I said hello to everyone like I
had come from a long and bitter trip away. I told
my mother about the discussion with uncle Issa. My
mother listened attentively and smiled every now
41 Lost
and then. She felt happy for me. Grandma,
however, was frowning and feeling unhappy about
the topics I discussed with my uncle.
I felt sleepless that night. I got up and sat on
my bed ruminating hadith quotes of the Prophet and
the Imams, and the texts of prayers that related to
the concepts of uncle Issa’s discussion. I felt like
someone who had come back to his beloved after a
long time. Everyone else was asleep. I sneaked out
of the bed, ablated (7) and started praying the
night prayer. I felt deep reverence of Allah with
every bit of my being and every corner of my heart.
There was nothing that could express my feelings
towards Allah. I took the book of prayers, but this
time, I was browsing it with new ideas and concepts
in my mind. I hardly felt the time passing till I heard
the chanting for dawn prayer (8). I prayed the dawn
prayer and went back to bed and slept deeply.
I don’t know how long I had been sleeping, but
I woke up with a part of Imam Hussain’s prayer in
my mind. It was part of his prayer on the day of
Arafa (9): ‘How can You be figured out through
that whose existence relies on You? Can anything
other than You hold a (kind of) manifestation that
7 is the Islamic procedure for washing parts of the body using water, typically
in preparation for formal prayers (Translator). 8 Al Fujr or the dawn prayer is the first of the five daily prayers offered by
practising Muslims (Translator). 9 The day of Arafa is the 9th day of the 12th month in the Arabic calendar. It is
part of the days of pilgrimage of Muslims to Mecca (Translator).
42 Lost
You lack and thus it may act as an appearance for
You? When have You ever been absent so that You
may need something to point to You? When have
You ever been far-off so that traces may lead to
You?’ I reflected about the subject: when there is
heat, we spontaneously and without further thought
know that there must be a self-generating source
for that heat even before we discover it physically
out there. This is what this prayer tries to highlight:
that existence in itself, regardless of the various
existing things, is a proof for an inherent source of
existence or “pure existence”, which is God. So we
don’t even need further proof for God’s existence.
How could we be so stupid and need further proof
for the existence of Allah. Later on, I knew that this
proof is called the “proof of the righteous”.
# # # # #
The climate was temperate that night and the
sky was clear as usual. Moonlight shone over the
horizons. It was beautiful and I felt calm as the
waves of the beach on Saih Al Maleh. I touched the
soft and cold sands. The sounds of the sea were
inspiring like a divine chanting coming out in clear
whispers revealing what you didn’t know about
yourself.
A year full of sadness, despair and frustration
passed; I suffered beyond description. I disbelieved
in everything around me. But now, it was over with
43 Lost
nothing left but bitter memories, like it was never
there. My father had died and I still felt the loss
stabbing my heart. But this ordeal helped me grow
and mature. I felt as if I had grwn up decades in
age. I realized things I hadn’t realized otherwise. My
potential expanded and my self-confidence grew
larger. I am not the small child I was a year ago. I
wouldn’t have planned my future in this wonderful
way if there were no problems. My suffering made
me doubt Allah before I got to the truth of knowing
Allah with certainty. What happened to me was like
being vaccinated with a weak virus that gives you
temporary flu, but long lasting immunity. This
experience rooted my faith and confidence in Allah.
It made me love Him with every bit of me. It made
me talk to him easily at every moment of every day.
It made me appreciate and thank Him for all His
graces and ask his help in tough times, even if I
could not see His answers to my prayers. Could this
be why Allah made me suffer? Is this why my father
died? Maybe, but what is the fault of my father, two
sisters, mother and grandmother?
Why am I thinking of death like it is an
indignation and torture? But how could it not be so
when we hear that those who die suffer the severest
of agony? We hear about the agony of dying and
compression of the grave, and the torture of Al
Barzakh by Monker and Nakeer, and then ending up
in hell. How could they say that death is ascension
to Allah when it is misery?
44 Lost
But then why do I assume that Allah is the
reason for my misery and the death of my father? Is
Allah who moves things around us at the universe?
Or is it us who do that? The driver who killed my
father did that because he was reckless, not
because Allah asked him to. This is why he deserved
to be punished. But if it is so, then why do we pray
and ask things of Allah?
Who are we? Why does Allah care about us so
much? Who am I? Am I so important that Allah
watches me closely every moment of my life and
interferes in my interest? Does Allah do that for all
things? Why, then, He did not create us directly in
heaven instead of Earth, where we suffer day after
day and make mistakes for which we get punished?
Why does He punish us in hell? What would He
lose if we commited few sins that we don’t mean to
challenge Him with? We just lose control due to our
bodily urges and fall into the forbidden acts. The
time we spend commiting the sin like listening to
songs is short, so why does He torture us for
periods millions of times longer? For example, we
would say that burning someone who cursed us is a
hideous act, so how come Allah burns those who
utter profanities? Is it because He is stronger than
us?
Why did Allah create us? What does He want
us to do in this life? I remember once asking the
teacher of Islamic studies in school this question.
45 Lost
His answer was “to construct and civilize Earth”, but
then why? Does God need us to do that for this
planet? Is this planet more important than us? Why
did He create Earth in the first place? Another
teacher said “to worship God.” Well, I can’t reject
this answer; the Quran stated it clearly in the verse
‘and I have not created the jinn and the men
except that they should worship Me’, but I don’t
understand this verse. Allah does not need our
worship at all.
More and more questions stormed in my mind
with no answer in the horizons. I used to like riddles
at my early days, but I hate them now. I felt
restless in my confusion. I was sure there were
good answers for these questions because now I
know as a general rule that Allah is wise and kind to
us, and that He does not act without very good
reasons for whatever He does. There must be many
secrets to this universe and this life. There must be
wonderful things we don’t know about. Maybe if we
knew these things, our lives would be much
different. I know how much my life changed when I
learned some things I didn’t know before about the
way Allah made events happen in my life. But, how
do I get to know these secrets? Must I get into more
difficulties to discover these secrets? Is this what
they call learning by practicing? God help me find
the truth. I remembered the verse in the Quran that
says ‘And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We
46 Lost
will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and
Allah is most surely with the doers of good.’”
Chapter Two
Tough
Situations
48 Tough Situations
Tough Situations
I continued my endeavor ardently with a firey
will inside me. I also was anxious of the unknown
future. I knew my path was not paved, and at
times, I doubted if I could change my reality, but I
had nothing to lose. I dearly wished that I excel and
make my father proud of me wherever he settled.
My first mission was to get a public relations
officer job with a reasonable salary (at least 250
Omani riyals with a car and fuel), preferably in a big
firm. At the same time I aimed to prepare for the
CMA certification by correspondence with a US
university.
Uncle Issa managed with his wide network of
contacts to arrange a number of interviews in some
companies looking for a good PRO.
My first interview was on Wednesday 1 pm at
a local firm working with the stock market and
business investments. It was located in Muttrah
Commercial Street. I was apprehensive as I had all
my hopes tied to this job. I could not sleep after
dawn prayer. I was frightened of disappointment
and loss of opportunity.
49 Tough Situations
In my bag, where I kept clothes and stuff,
there were only two dishdashas apart from the ones
in the washing machine and both of them were
bespotted. I picked the better of the two and asked
by mother to iron it for me. The ironing machine
was broken, so I had to take it to aunt Safia’s house
and she did it for me.
I didn’t have money for gas to drive my
father’s car, so I went to the Corniche for public
transport. It was very hot and I was drenching in
sweat. It took longer than I expected before I found
a minibus taxi to take me to Al Wadi Al Kabir area
near the company.
It was almost 1 pm now and I was running
late. O God, please help me. I need this job. The
traffic was heavy where I was going. It felt as if the
clock was ticking faster than usual, intent to add to
my burden.
It was 1:19 pm when I got to the block of the
company, and I had to ask for the exact location of
the company. It was almost 1:30 when I got there.
Someone was at the door getting to leave. I asked
him about Mohammed Attiya, the director of
administrative affairs of the company. It was him. I
was panting and sweaty. Added to my spotted
clothing, I looked like a homeless bum. I told the
guy that I am the one he is supposed to interview.
He looked at me with disgust, reproved me for
50 Tough Situations
being late and told me I was not suitable for this
job. Then he walked on.
I was struck by a lightning. Humiliated, I froze
in my place. My chest pained with fury and blood
boiled in my arteries. I ran out of the place.
Everything was wrong. I was filled with despair and
frustration. With no fare, I walked back five
kilometers home in this hot climate. I felt like
smashing the windows of these rich people’s fancy
cars, but I didn’t.
One hour in this simmering heat and anger
turned to depression and exhaustion. I got home
almost devastated. I could not say a word. I
switched on the air conditioner and fell on the
mattress in a curled, fetal position. “I am tired. I will
lie down until I die,” I told my mother. She kept
crying which added to my pain and anger.
“Enough!” I shouted at her. “If you don’t stop
crying, I will run out and never come back!” It was
the first time I raised my at over my mother. She
was dumbfounded and scared, and moved back.
The demons were dancing around me, but a
thin thread still tied me to Allah. I kept on praying
for His help before I went into deep sleep. I woke up
at night to the voice of uncle Issa. “I am sorry, it is
entirely my fault,” he said softly.
51 Tough Situations
The sleep helped me calm down and my
uncle’s presence soothed me. I, indeed, needed to
see him.
“Uncle!”
“After your mother called me, I called
Mohammed Attiya, and knew how things went. I
apologized to him for you being late and asked him
to give you another chance.”
“No uncle. I can’t work in this company after
what happened. It was my fault.” I said that while
getting up to sit.
“Ok, there are many other places you can
work in. It was not your fault, but mine. I will stay
with you until you settle. I am sorry.”
“Please uncle, don’t apologize, you did enough
for me.”
“Listen, sweetheart, we both know we can’t
send a soldier to battle without enough preparation.
You can’t go to interviews without some prepration.
You need good clothes and other accessories like
sandals, a watch, a good Kumma and some cash to
be able to use the car.”
I couldn’t respond to that. He knew we
couldn’t afford all that and I could not accept any
money from him. I would never do that.
52 Tough Situations
“I borrowed some money for you from the
youth fund in the community. You can pay it later
when you get hired,” he said.
That sounded good. The youth fund was a
voluntary venture by some people in the community
to help young people like me to get up on their feet
and I was eligible for it.
“Thank you, uncle. I am on for that, but the
loan has to be in my name and you my guarantor.”
“Deal.”
# # # # #
I was not skilled at job interviews, but after
each one, I got better. With my good English
command, my ability to write letters, I had some
edge in the interviews. It was not long before I
ended up with three job offers, the best of which
was from an English company for a job as a driver
and a PRO. The company offered a salary of 450
riyals including the expenses of the car. It was good
enough for me. It also allowed me enough spare
time to study in the office as well as during the time
I waited in the long queues of government
institutions to carry on the chores of the company.
A comfortable and eventful year passed by—
our financial situation improved, we paid all our
family debts and moved to a bigger house in the
same neighborhood. The only challenge I had during
53 Tough Situations
this year was my struggle with my preparation for
the American Management Accounting exam (CMA).
It was next to impossible and caused me deep
frustration initially, but with the gradual
improvement of my English skills and my hard work,
I managed to move on. I failed in the examinations
several times, but finally I passed all four modules.
It was not just any success; it was THE success for
me. I wished my father had been beside me at
these moments so he could share my happiness. Is
he aware of my success right now? Is he proud of
me there? Or does this make no difference in the
world where he is right now? I missed him.
# # # # #
My next mission was another kind of
challenge, but it was a reward for my success in my
previous one. I had to find a job in accounting with
a better salary than my current one. At the same
time, I had to enroll for a graduate degree in
Commerce at one of the private colleges during
evenings.
One might say I was lucky, but the way I saw
it was that I was being cared for by Allah. The day
after I passed the exam, I went to see the regional
manager of my company. During the last year, I
had managed to build good rapport with everyone I
had come in contact with in the company including
54 Tough Situations
the regional manager—I helped him several times
tend his personal business.
Andro, that was his name, was hunched under
the desk, as usual, looking for his pen that fell
down, so I had to wait till he got up. Moments later
he settled on his fine chair and peeked at me above
his slim spectacles.
“Mohammed, how can I help you?”
“I passed my CMA, sir.”
“You did? Congratulations, you earned it. So,
what next?”
“To find a job in accounting and complete a
graduate degree in business.”
“Obviously you planned your career well.
Would you like to move to our accounting
department?”
That was indeed surprising. I was not used to
things going my way so easily. I immediately
agreed.
“Good, then you must find us an excellent PRO
to replace you, and then you can move on to
accounting. Will two months suffice to get it done?”
he smiled encouragingly.
“One month will do. I promise the new PRO
will be excellent.”
“Great, take care.”
55 Tough Situations
“Thank you, sir.”
It wasn’t so hard to find a replacement PRO;
our company paid good salaries and during my
work, I came to know several good PROs.
# # # # #
The job took the best part of my time and
effort—I had to work nights and weekends to get
my job done, particularly at the end of the month,
but that did not stop me enrolling at the evening
batch of the college of commerce. I returned home
every night dead-tired dragging my feet to eat
mom’s delicious dinner, savor a cup of tea and
spend some time with my family. It was my timeout
in this busy world.
Despite the fatigue, I felt very active when I
saw my mother sitting and knitting a beautiful
Kumma for me.
As the days passed, my responsibilities and
burdens increased. I slept only four hours daily. I
had perpetual headaches and I repeatedly used
analgesics. My body felt like it weighed a ton and I
was always heavy-eyed, especially while driving.
Finally, my performance at work and study
plummeted and my mistakes increased. I suffered
nervousness and stress, and if it was not for the
twenty minutes of solitude I made sure I had every
night, I might have had a nervous breakdown.
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I had no other choice. I had to continue till the
last breath. I kept telling myself that years will soon
pass; I will graduate and enjoy a comfortable life. I
was always praying to Allah to help me and I asked
my mother to pray for me, but deep down, I
doubted any way out of my dilemma without a
miracle by Allah.
One day while I was praying in the evening, a
strange idea flashed through my mind. I remember
during my early school days faking sickness to get
away for a day or two from school. I had to
convince my parents to make it work, so I first
convinced myself that I was not feeling well, and
guess what? I made myself sick enough to at least
convince my mother. And it worked the other way
round as well. When it was safe enough; I was
reversed the process to be able to play in the
neighborhood. So I thought that maybe if I talked
myself into feeling good and rested enough with
only four hours of sleep, I would do well with it. It
was a weird idea, but I tried it anyway. The results
were spectacularly prompt. I felt much better and
my activity was enhanced, though I still had trouble
driving for long distances.
I was thrilled at this achievement not only
because my work and study improved, but also
because I enjoyed life more. I felt this was Allah’s
answer for my prayers. He made me recognize my
true potential and harvest it. This auto-suggestion
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helped me get rid of insomnia. I also used it to
enhance other potentials that I hadn’t fulfilled.
# # # # #
The prayer room in the college was small and
deserted. Few people used it and the lighting was
dim. I felt uncomfortable in the beginning, but over
time I began to get used to it and felt comfortable
in it. I felt more reverence in my prayer without
attracting any unwanted attention.
It happened once when I was praying in the
evening and pleading for the will to quit listening to
songs. One of my colleagues entered the prayer
room and I immediately wiped my tears quickly. I
was anxious that he might have seen me crying,
perhaps because it was not usual for people to cry
while they pray, or perhaps because I was scared to
be thought of a zealot and, therefore, become the
object of cynicism of my fellows. I already was seen
as “different” because I did not mingle with or shake
hands with women, and because I refused to listen
to songs. Well, at least in the presence of others as
I did that in my private moments. But it happened,
and in no time the other fellows started making fun
of my adherence to religious doctrines, and they did
in a very improper way. Blood simmered in my
veins, but I managed to stay composed in
appearance. I felt like responding to them harshly,
but I couldn’t. It never happened to me in my life
58 Tough Situations
that I lashed out anyone harshly. I gripped hard on
the chair beside me and wanted to break it over
their heads. I almost gave into it, if it was not that I
remembered the patience of the Prophet in
response to the intensive malice of some people. I
decided to follow the example of the Prophet.
I calmed down. I put on a confident smile and
felt a chill while I reflected on a verse of the Quran
‘And not equal are the good deed and the bad.
Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and
thereupon the one whom between you and him is
enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted
friend (34) But none is granted it except those
who are patient, and none is granted it except one
having a great portion [of good] (35).’ That made
me feels peace and calm. I decided to hear them
out and understand the way they think. I noted that
despite their cynical commentary, some of their
words reflected respect for me and my adherence to
religion. I think they were not used to the way I saw
things.
It was going to be over, but Amer, the one
who saw me crying in the prayer room, did not let it
go. He was not wicked. He used to be very religious
in the past and we used to spend long hours on the
Corniche discussing various religious and social
issues. We were mature for our ages. But he was
deeply shocked when his “religious” father left them
and his mother got cancer. He lost his faith in Allah
59 Tough Situations
and reverted 180 degrees. His good financial status,
sharp mind, handsome look, and absent parental
supervision helped this transition.
“Mohammed, since you read so much in
religion, maybe you can help me. I have some
questions about these doctrines and can’t figure out
the answers by myself.” The tone of challenge was
obvious in his words. I knew his questions were
meant to embarrass me, but I accepted the
challenge. I looked at him with a smile.
“I am just someone who tries to learn. I only
know little, but please go ahead and ask. If I don’t
know the answer, I will ask and find it out for you,”
I retorted with a strong and confident voice.
“The question that puzzles me is that if Allah
loves us and is merciful then why did He create
ailments and diseases? Why does He let people
starve and die of diseases? Why did He create
criminals and germs and monsters? Why did He
make some of us smart, rich and healthy while
some others are poor, sick and dumb?” Amer shot
his questions in rapid succession and caused it an
uneasy feeling with the rest of the guys—these were
tabooed issues in the common culture—and I did
not have a detailed and satisfying answer. However,
I could not afford to let go unanswered.
“We don’t know many things in this universe.
Allah says ‘And mankind have not been given of
60 Tough Situations
knowledge except a little,’ what we don’t doubt is
that Allah is omnipotent and omniscient. He loves us
and is merciful on us. Our minds can’t comprehend
his wisdom in some of the issues including these
questions you asked. That does not mean He does
not love us? He said in the Quran ‘Indeed Allah is,
to the people, Kind and Merciful.’”
“But…” Amer wanted to interrupt me, but
Omar didn’t allow him and asked me to continue.
“I am almost over with my answer. Let me
give you an example. Do you remember when your
father took you to the taekwondo sessions years
ago? You hated it and thought your dad didn’t love
you and forced you to do things you didn’t like. He
watched you getting beaten over and over in the
practice. Well, do you still think he didn’t love you?
Or was it that he loved you and made you strong?
You couldn’t realize that at that time.”
“That is not answering my question,” Amer
said, but before he could go on, Salim, another guy,
interjected:
“Honestly, Amer, your question is improper.
We were just kidding and you made it serious. It
was improper to second guess Allah’s wisdom.
Mohammed is trying to answer you and you don’t
want to listen.”
“No, Salim, I didn’t mean to second guess
Allah’s love for us.”
61 Tough Situations
"Yes, you did. Anyway, let’s drop it. If you
have any further questions, go to the scholars and
they will answer you, but don’t just throw it to
students.”
The debate went on between a group of them,
but I was done with it. I thanked Allah for inspiring
my answer. I was not prepared for this debate.
Honestly, what I said, though partially true, was
evading the proper answer. Why did Allah create
evils? Why is there so much discrepancy in wealth
distribution between people? Puzzling questions with
no answer. The example of Amer’s father that I
used in my argument was not sufficient. Amer’s
father could not get to his objectives without forcing
his son into training on combat, but Allah does not
need means to achieve what He wants. Allah said
‘His command is only when He intends a thing
that He says to it, "Be," and it is.’
I don’t understand why Allah didn’t create us
in heaven directly instead of creating us in this
Earth then let us suffer so much to commit sins that
lead us to hell.
They say that Allah created Prophet Adam in
heaven, but when he ate of the forbidden tree, Allah
took him down to Earth as a sort of punishment.
Why did Allah create that tree? Why did He make it
accessible to Adam? Why didn’t He stop him from
doing wrong? Why did He allow Satan to fool
62 Tough Situations
Prophet Adam? If Adam deserved that punishment,
then what is our fault to remain on this Earth?
These questions buzzed in my head with no
answer. No doubt that Allah is wise and merciful,
but I don’t know the answer for these riddles and
my heart tells me there were deep secrets behind it.
# # # # #
In the lecture hall, just before the lecture in
marketting, the debate was still hot between Amer
and Salim. Other students gathered around. Their
voices were loud and the scene was notable. It was
unusual to see such an exchange. The lecturer
entered the room and everyone lined up in their
seats; everyone except our group, which went on
uninterrupted. The lecturer asked them to be seated
then listened to a brief account of what was going
on. He proposed to make this discussion a formal
one as part of the activities in the class. Some guys
tried to object, for this was a specialized issue and
required a religious scholar, but the lecturer was
convincing and the voting was in favor of the
debate. It was scheduled one month from now so
that each side could prepare well.
Most of the members of my team, and
ironically, most of the members of the other team,
led by Amer, were confident of my ability to prevail
and reveal the truth. I did not share them this
63 Tough Situations
confidence. It is no longer a matter of a few
questions in my mind. The responsibility of the faith
of dozens of students depended on my ability to
come up with satisfactory answers for Amer’s
questions and many more unforeseen ones. I knew
Allah would not abandon me, but I had no idea
where and how I could get my answers. If uncle
Issa was here, I would have sought his help, but he
was on a trip to Germany for treatment, and he
would not be back soon. I went to some religious
scholars, but I was shocked to find that none of
those I had been to had any better answer than
what I already had given Amer that day. It was no
good. If I probed them for any deeper answers,
their response was to get upset and warn me
against delving into these issues. But I could not
take any of their warnings seriously. I persisted in
my search, particularly with this new challenge of
public debate and the fierce opponent of Amer.
The days passed quickly by and the date of
debate was near. My uncle was just few days out of
his surgery, and I felt I shouldn’t call him for these
matters, but the stakes were high. I picked up the
phone and called him. His voice was weak. I asked
how he was doing and he spoke heavily. I told him
the short version of what happened and asked for
his help. He told me that He did not have the full
answers for these questions and advised me to go
to his home and check his library for a book titled
The Divine Justice by Sheikh Murtadha Mutahari.
64 Tough Situations
I spent days reading the book, especially the
second chapter entitled “The Solution”. I reread it
over again, but didn’t feel I understood it quite well.
The day of the debate dawned. I was very
anxious. The answer was in the book in front of me,
but I couldn’t digest it in a way that I could easily
present it. I thought of all those who waited to get
the answers and would be disappointed. I dozed
after the dawn prayer with tearful eyes. I was
prayed from the depths of my heart and asked Him
for the sake of the Prophet and his household to
help me. I knew He could inspire me the answer.
I woke up and the answer was clear in my
mind. Oh God, it was so simple. I don’t know why I
hadn’t seen it before. I thanked Allah and hopped
out of the bed. I grabbed the book and started
skimming the second chapter once more. This time,
I saw it.
# # # # #
It looked like a busy market in the lecture hall
that evening. Everyone made sure to attend and see
this long-awaited debate. Some of them patted my
shoulders on their way to be seated and uttered
words of encouragement and support. I was too
occupied to pay attention to that. My forehead
sweated and my hands shook. It was supposed to
be a simple discussion between two groups, but the
65 Tough Situations
issue had become a personal challenge between me
and Amer. My team members gathered around me.
The supervisor asked Amer to start his motion
and then my reply. I asked the supervisor for a
longer time to reply as the issue I was about to
explain was intricate and required some
introduction. He approved no longer than fifteen
minutes.
“At the beginning I felt it is a very complex
issue indeed,” I broke the ice with this statement.
“But then when I realized the answer, I found it
easy and clear. I want to start by asking Amer a
question, if I may.”
“Go ahead,” the supervisor said and Amer also
approved.
“Thank you. You wonder why Allah gave you
the facial features you have right now, don’t you?”
“You can say that for an example, yes.”
“If your father took you to a plastic surgeon
and had you change the way you look, would you
still wonder why Allah gave you the new look?”
“No, but then I would ask my father and the
surgeon why they gave me that new look.”
“Exactly!” My agreement surprised Amer. He
expected a different answer.
66 Tough Situations
“Are you implying that we, humans, created
these evils, not Allah? Because then I would ask
why Allah created evils in the first place?”
“Don’t rush me. Let me complete my answer
and then object as you like,” I said with all the
confidence I could muster. “I need to clarify two
issues before giving the answer. First, whatever
potential and attributes we have like intelligence,
strength, height, and skin color are the same as our
existence. It is nothing outside our own existence.
Our existence is nothing but the sum of our
potential and attributes. The same is true for
everything else like the rocks, oceans, stars,
jellyfish and all other creatures. Its existence is the
sum of its potentials and attributes. Your facial
features, for example, however it is, your face itself.
The facial features are nothing but the limits and
attributes of the face. The body, whatever it is, the
spatial extension, volume, and mass and all the
other physical attributes it has. Does anyone
disagree so far?” I looked around the audience, but
no one spoke a word. It seemed so true what I said.
The supervisor gestured me to go on.
“The attributes and potential of each being in
this universe interact with the attributes and
potential of all other beings around it, and this
makes up the motion of the universe. Take for an
example the interaction of the nature of tissue
paper with the nature of liquid water. The tissue
67 Tough Situations
paper will get wet if falls into the water. Another
example is our human physical nature that interacts
with the nature of Earth. We can walk, run, and
jump, but we can’t fly like birds or breathe in water
like fish or crawl like reptiles because we have
different natures.”
“Mohammed.” The supervisor interrupted me.
“Would you explain this issue further for the
audience?”
“Sure, prof. What I am saying is that all
creatures and beings with its vast diversity including
humans, animals, and even angels and demons
interact with each other with whatever attributes
and potential they own. This mutual interaction
between things forms all the natural laws that
govern the universe like gravity, sea tides, cause-
effect, and all the other laws of physics. This leads
us to deduce that all these laws, despite governing
and outlining the motion of existence, are not
something external or independent of the existence
of things. Laws are the same as the things. For
example, if a piece of rock fell on an egg, it would
break it. If it didn’t, there must be a reason that
protected the eggshell, otherwise, the rock wouldn’t
be a rock or the eggshell wouldn’t be an eggshell.
“This is the basis upon which all sciences are
founded and it is the foundation for all the systems
in existence. No one would ever believe that pouring
water on the ground would cause a nuclear
68 Tough Situations
explosion. If the USA claimed that it never bombed
Hiroshima, but threw a bouquet of flowers and that
caused the explosion, we would be laughing,
wouldn’t we?
“These laws are what The Quran calls
collectively ‘Sunnat Allah’ [the way of Allah] and
ensures that it cannot be varied ever. ‘But you will
never find in the way of Allah any change, and you
will never find in the way of Allah any alteration.’”
“Excellent point. Go on,” the supervisor said.
“The second issue I want to introduce is that
Allah did not create each being with a separate will.
He did not create my father with a will that is
different than the will created in me or that created
in all the other things. Everything in this universe is
created with one simple [non-compound] will, a
continuous flow of existence as described by the
Quran ‘Indeed, all things We created with
predestination (49) And Our command is but one,
like a glance of the eye.’ The creatures were
created and formed according to the laws governing
the universe and work by cause and effect.
“This point in the introduction is a natural
result of the previous one. According to the law of
cause and effect, my being with all my attributes
and potential is a natural and inevitable result of the
fertilization of the ovum in my mother’s womb with
one particular sperm among billions of sperm in my
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father, with the subsequent inheritance of specific
features.
“If it was another sperm that fertilized the
ovum, or if it was another ovum that was fertilized,
then it wouldn’t be me who came out, it would have
been someone else. This logic applies to all other
creatures and things. Every creature and every
being is the result of a particular set of causes that
created him in this particular way and thereby
determined his characteristics and potential.”
“Do you imply that Allah created the universe
and then it is acting all alone using the natural laws,
with no interference of Allah?” Amer asked.
“Of course not. The whole universe is
perpetually and innately dependent in its existence
on the independent existence of Allah. Allah’s
bestowal of existence on the universe is a perpetual
one, much like the light emitted by sun to Earth.
This makes things existent and visible. Allah
describes Himself as The Light ‘Allah is the Light of
the heavens and the earth.’”
“So, in effect, did Allah create me with my
attributes and potential or did my parents make
me?” asked Amer.
“Both answers are true. Allah created you and
your parents also created you. Let me ask you: who
grew the mango trees in the backyard of your
home?”
70 Tough Situations
“My father did.”
“But Allah says: ‘And have you seen that
[seed] which you sow? (63) Is it you who makes it
grow, or are We the grower?’ Allah attributes
growing plants to Himself. Let me clarify that part.
When we make a fire, we also get intense heat.
When we put an egg over fire it gets cooked. So
what cooked the egg? Is it the fire or the heat?”
I felt very comfortable hearing many voices
among the audience say ‘Both.’
“Well then. Back to the question of Amer: Why
one is smarter or stronger or richer than other? Why
create germs and monsters? The answer is that
Allah bestowed one simple perpetual existence on
all that could be, even if it was an incomplete being?
He did not withhold existence on anything that can
be because He is gracious and giving. Existence is in
itself good and everything supplements of this good
as much as its potential that it had as a result of the
interaction of everything with each other under the
system of causes and effects.
“Allah gives an analogy for this system ‘Say,
Allah is the Creator of all things, and He is the
One, the Prevailing (16) He sends down from the
sky, rain, and valleys flow according to their
capacity’ Valleys can only accommodate as much as
their size is, not as much as they are offered by
rain, and likewise, everything receives as much
existence as it could accommodate, not as much as
71 Tough Situations
it is offered by Allah. The reason for this variation is
their direct causes that preceded their creation.
“It follows the analogy I started my talk with
when I asked you about the new looks you would
get by a plastic surgeon. You said you wouldn’t
blame Allah because the surgeon and your father
are the reason for the change of your facial features
not Allah. By the same token, your other attributes
are the natural outcome of your genes you inherited
from your parents, and the same is true for
everything happening in the universe, which is a
natural result of the motion and interaction of things
with each other.”
I paused for few moments to allow it to sink
in, then to drive the point home, I asked the
audience, “Let me ask you; we all find some sort of
deficiency in ourselves, but would you rather not be
at all? Do you wish that Allah had never created
you? Or do you feel happy you exist and that Allah
did not deny us existence just because we have few
things short of perfect?” I was so touched by my
own idea and feeling so grateful for Allah. The
supervisor clapped his hands intensely, followed by
the other students and, surprisingly, Amer himself.
“I asked many people about this dilemma, but
I never got such an answer before,” Amer said, “But
I have two more questions.”
“Ok.”
72 Tough Situations
“The first question: If Allah bestowed one
simple, and perpetual existence and if every being
receives this bestowal as much as it could according
to its creating causes, then there must be one being
that received its existence directly from Allah and
did not have any prior causes for it other than Allah.
Right?” asked Amer.
“That’s right. This first effected being or the
first emanation of Allah as some call has all the
attributes of perfection, strength and intensity in
existence that any creature could ever have
including the will and cognition. Of this first
emanated creature, all other creatures and beings
came through with consideration to the hierarchy of
the system of causes and effects as I have clarified
previously.”
“To be honest, this notion is novel to me and it
will take me some time to absorb fully. Anyhow, let
me get to the second question: correct me if I am
wrong. What you are saying is that the universe is
operating according to systems and rules that are
determined by the interaction of the existents with
each other, and that these interactions are
governed by its attributes and potentials, which in
turn are nothing but its very existence, and nothing
foreign to it, right?”
“That, pretty much, sums it up, thank you.”
“These rules governing the universe, you said
are ‘Sunnat Allah’ and cannot lag or differ no matter
73 Tough Situations
what happened. The egg won’t be an egg if it didn’t
break when a rock falls on it, and the water won’t
be water if it caused a nuclear explosion. Is that
right?”
“Yes.”
“My question, then, is: what is prayer for? Why
do we ask Allah to do certain things for us if
everything in the being is governed by the
interactions of things?” asked Amer.
I took few moments to think. At that moment I
remembered how Allah was always supporting and
caring for me at each moment of my life, even when
I didn’t realize it or even thought that He let me
down. A chill went through my body.
“If you found something burning beside your
little brother’s bed when he is asleep, what would
you do?”
“I would wake him up and try to put it out.”
“How would you put it out?”
“Using a fire extinguisher of course.”
“Let’s say you could put it out by blowing it
once only, would you wake up your brother or just
put it out?”
“What is your point?”
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“Bear with me. If you had the superpowers of
Superman, would blowing the fire out be violating
natural laws?”
“No, it would be in accord with natural laws.”
“In other words, deciding what is in violation of
laws of nature and what is not depends on the
available resources and its attributes and potential,
right?”
“I guess that is right.”
“You put out the fire using an extinguisher.
Your little brother can’t do that because he is too
small to carry or control the cylinder, but Superman
wouldn’t even need the extinguisher because he
could just blow strong wind at it and put it out as he
is strong and has higher powers. Now, would Allah,
the omnipotent, not be able to put out the fire as
well?”
Amer didn’t speak. I continued.
“Yes He could, and He wouldn’t need an
extinguisher or even the wind blow. The Quran says
‘His command is only when He intends a thing
that He says to it, "Be," and it is.’ His intervention
would not be violating any laws of nature at all. We
pray for Him and ask Him things because He is the
omnipotent and graceful to us. Everything including
us is His and goes by His command. He commanded
us to pray and ask, and He guaranteed the answer
75 Tough Situations
in one way or another. Quran says ‘Call upon Me; I
will respond to you.’”
“That is wonderful.” Amer clapped his hands
and seemed very satisfied. I was surprised by his
reaction. I thought he would keep arguing and he
would find something to prolong the discussion, but
it seems I had misjudged him.
“Thank, you Amer. I ask you, the supervisor,
and the audience to allow me a few more minutes
to share my experience in this regard.”
I took a few moments to gather my ideas and
memories. When I spoke, my voice was calm and
deep but also reflected an obvious conviction.
“We all have bad days and bad periods from
time to time, but I may have had the worst among
you. In my whole life, my family was poor. My
father passed away when I was in high school, a
critical time of my life. I was very attached to him,
and this led me to fail to get to the university. Right
now, I am juggling several responsibilities at home,
my job and here in college. I don’t have enough
time to sleep. It may appear I am the most
miserable among you, but the truth is I am the
happiest. I discovered that all the difficulties I had
were for my good. I had a bad depression for a full
year after the death of my father, but on the other
hand, it opened my heart and soul for true love:
Allah’s love. If it were not for my father’s death and
76 Tough Situations
its consequences, I would still be that soft boy. My
failure to enroll in the university opened great new
horizons for me. The pressures I have from my
various responsibilities strengthened my will and
perseverance. It sharpened my mind and made me
discover a lot about myself that I wouldn’t otherwise
without it. In summary, what I want to say is that
these apparent evils are doing us good if we look at
the big picture, and Allah is witnessing our
endurance and caring for us. In fact that is why he
tests us from time to time with hardship. The Quran
says, ‘And We will surely test you with something
of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives
and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient,
(155) Who, when disaster strikes them, say,
"Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we
will return (166) Those are the ones upon whom
are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is
those who are the [rightly] guided.’ There is no
such thing as absolute evil in existence. How could
there be when the only source of existence is Allah,
who is nothing but absolute good, perfection,
beauty and has no deficit or evil in Him? The
problem is that we look at things from a narrow and
limited perspective of our egos and how much
pleasure we would get from things, even if that
pleasure is momentary. Take school as an example;
kids hate it as Amer hated the Taekwondo classes.
Death represents an absolute evil in general human
culture, but in reality it is an unparalleled good
77 Tough Situations
because it transcends human to a greater phase of
life. It is like the day of birth to another world. Yes it
is good and wonderful for being ascension to Allah
and eternal happiness. My father died and we felt
sad for parting with him and that was out of our
belief that an evil thing happened to him, but in
reality that was the best thing that happened to
him.”
I stopped talking and a heavy silence set in the
hall. Everyone was touched, perhaps by the mention
of death, the issue that we always avoid talking
about as if it might become real. Or perhaps I
presented my idea vehemently. The supervisor was
the first to clap followed by all others.
“That is great, Mohammed. Nice presentation
and optimistic perspective to life. We need to learn
to think like you.”
He then asked the audience if they had any
question, but there was none.
# # # # #
I was exhausted, probably because of the
continuous vigilance and anxiety I had during the
last month. Now that I was unburdened, I should
have felt thrilled by the victory, but something deep
inside me denied me that feeling. I didn’t know
what exactly it was, but it was strong enough to be
78 Tough Situations
oblivious to all the complements I got from the
students and dive within to find out.
I drove to the beach. There were very few
people around. I laid on my back. The soft and cold
sand absorbed the exhaustion of my body and the
cool breeze filled my lungs with fresh energy.
“Yes, that is right. My thirst is not quenched
yet,” I thought. “Although I solved the mystery of
divine justice and that reduced much of the buzzing
in my mind, it also increased my eagerness to know
the truth, the whole truth. The picture still had
many missing pieces.
“Why did Allah create us? To worship Him?
Then why did He allow Satan to seduce us and get
us into hell? Why did He grant Satan his request,
which would end up harming us? Is it that Satan
provoked Allah? Or is it that Allah loves Satan? Or
does Allah hate us? All these answers are
unacceptable but then, what is the answer?
“If I had a good horse and I intended to use it
in an important race, would it not be total ignorance
if I allowed my enemy access to the stable and
allow him to cripple my horse? Wouldn’t that defeat
the purpose of buying the horse in the first place?
Moreover, wouldn’t it be unfair to punish the horse
for eating from the hand of someone else instead of
mine. Why does Allah create us to worship Him and
for His succession? He surely knows we are beings
of lust and desire. Even the angels’ described man
79 Tough Situations
as the one ‘who causes corruption therein and
sheds blood’, and then He [Allah] allows Satan to
exploit our earthly desires leading to one sin after
another. This, then, fulfills the prophecy of the
angels and we end up in hell for very long times.
Why? Is that not evil itself? Is that not the result of
Allah’s will?”
My eyes filled with tears and a bitter sense of
defeat filled me. “O God, forgive me for having the
face to think like that, but how can I silence my
mind? Do you want me to silence my mind? You are
the one who invited us to think. I am sure there is
much I have to know and that there is a great story
for this universe, told by you. O God, I love you
from the depths of my heart. I know you are the
most merciful, the most gracious, and that you love
us.”
I slept deeply.
Chapter Three
Story of
Life
81 Story of Life
Story of Life
Friday, June 22nd 2001
7:05 AM
I was deep in sleep and coiled in my bed
deeply under the thick blanket to protect me from
the cold air conditioner. My twin sisters started
jumping around me trying to wake me up. I was
about to burst in anger, as I hadn’t gone to sleep
until after dawn prayer, but when I heard their
innocent giggles and happiness, I smiled to them. I
was the closest thing they had for a father.
Today is the monthly family gathering. My
maternal uncles and aunts and their families gather
in on Uncle Issa’s farm one Friday each month. I
enjoyed these gatherings, but this time I was
exhausted after my sleepless night. I had promised
my sisters a week ago to take them to the
gathering, and everyone else was ready, waiting for
me to wake up. I got up and washed and changed.
We drove to the farm.
I hadn’t noticed that I was wearing two
different shoes until my sister Khawla started
laughing and pointing to my feet. Everyone burst in
laughter and I became the object of their jokes for
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the next fifteen minutes. I had to divert their
attention by proposing to play the ‘15 questions’.
My sister Khadija challenged us with a puzzle.
“If there were two doors,’ she started telling, ‘one
door leading to heaven, and the other to hell, and
each door had a guard, but one of them was a liar
and the other told the truth. You didn’t know which
one was liar and you didn’t know which door leads
to where. You were allowed to ask only one
question and only to one of the guards. The
question has to be a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ type. What would
you do?”
The challenge took us some time to think, but
then I noticed I was the only one who bothered to
think about it. My grandma dozed off, my mother
was reading the Quran, and the twins were playing.
We were very happy to begin the summer
holidays and end the long, and tiring year of study.
We were also happy to plan to spend some time in
Turkey and then during Omra (10) visit the shrine
of the Prophet. Our financial status improved since I
was hired in accounting last year with a monthly
salary of 1,200 Omani Riyals.
My happiness was indescribable; this would be
my first trip by air flight. That would satisfy my ego
and dignity, which I thought I had lost in the days
10 The optional pilgrimage that can be done at any time of the year [Translator].
83 Story of Life
of poverty. Yes, travelling will prove to everyone
that we are no longer poor.
The mere idea of visiting the shrine of the
Prophet gave me a chill. I was so eager to get there
to ventilate my concerns and feelings that I could
no longer bottle up. I needed to tell the Prophet that
I outdid myself again and got the graduate degree
with merit despite all the difficult circumstances I
had been through. I hoped he would be pleased
with me and pray for me.
Years passed since the beginning of my career
path, during which I made gigantic efforts. I had
plowed ground with my fingers, watered it with my
sweat and tears, and reaped a harvest beyond my
dream. A feeling of strength, determination and
happiness was in every bit of me.
Even those questions about the universe and
life quieted and I seldom remember them. I no
longer have the time to dwell on the depths of the
mysteries.
The only thing that still defeated me was my
failure to quit listening to the songs. I could succeed
in that for periods that lasted weeks, but I soon find
myself back to it. This sin maybe seen as small by
many people, or it could be regarded as not a sin at
all, much like many other bad habits like gossiping
or lying, but I don’t accept that.
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Every time I came back to my senses, I
despised myself for doing it. Feelings of shame and
guilt overwhelmed me. Very often I cried in prayers
regretting my sins, and yet, I couldn’t quit the
songs for good. I wondered, what makes me so
fond of the songs? What kind of joy it gave me that
defied my attempts of quitting or even replacing it
with the cantata or instrumental music. How could
my will that was so triumphed in other issues be
soft in a matter like this? Why couldn’t I use the
auto-suggestion techniques to overcome it? It sure
helped cure my anxieties and insomnia! I am not
trying to justify myself; I know I am doing it with
my free will, but I can’t understand my complex
psychology. Maybe these back-and-forth swings
between committing the act and regretting it
created a sort of immunity that makes it ever more
difficult to quit. I decided to forget the issue of
songs for some time and focus on other self-
development issues until I am better equipped for
resolving my songs issue.
“Khadija, the answer to your riddle is to ask
one of the guards this question: ‘if I asked the other
guard: is your door leading to heaven? Will his
question be yes?’ If he said yes, then the other door
is the one leading to heaven, and vice versa.”
“You are kidding me. The answer is wrong.”
“Nope. It is the right answer.”
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Although she was the one who told the riddle,
it was nearly impossible to make her understand the
answer as she only copied it from elsewhere, and I
doubt if she even understood it herself.
# # # # #
Uncle Issa’s family stayed the night before on
the farm. We were the first to reach there, and that
suited me as I wanted to discuss a few issues with
him about the next step in my career.
Uncle Issa was swinging on a swing he made
on a large branch of the big tree in the front yard of
the farm house. He hopped off to greet us. He gave
me a big hug and congratulated me for the graduate
degree and reminded me how Allah gave me the
best when I couldn’t get into the college.
Tamer, his son, joined in and we sat on the
grass. Uncle Issa set up some air coolers and my
mother went to help uncle’s wife in making
breakfast. My twin sisters were playing with Reem,
Uncle Issa’s young daughter. Grandma went to the
room to ease up the exhaustion of the trip.
“Uncle, what is the next step?”
“Take a break,” uncle laughed.
“I indeed need a break, but I also needed to
know what I should do next in my career.”
86 Story of Life
“Well, now that you have a graduate degree, a
professional degree of CMA, and five years of
experience, you may want to consider an MBA from
one of the elite universities.”
“I have another view and I want your opinion
about it. I read once that adaptability in various
institutional environments is an important skill,” I
said.
“It is.”
“Then staying in the same establishment for
many years, especially in the beginning of my
career, would make me lose this ability to adapt. I
am suffering intense pressure from my expatriate
superior for some time now. I think he is concerned
about the competition I pose to him on his job. Our
new regional manager likes him and if I start the
MBA, my superior will give me hell at work and may
even ditch me with the help of the regional
manager. On the other hand, I feel I need more
experience in accounting, auditing and analysis of
financial and operating risks along with systems of
monitoring.”
“So what are you thinking of?”
“I am considering to move to one of the four
big international companies of auditing and to stay
there for two years to master accounting and
auditing. Meanwhile, I can do the CPA.”
87 Story of Life
“That is very good, but then I guess you would
have to settle with a lower salary. I don’t expect
them to pay you as much as you are getting right
now.”
“I can live with that.”
“And do you consider the MBA at any stage?”
“Although I have a year’s experience in
administration as the head of accounting, I think I
need more experience in administration to get the
maximum benefit of the MBA, and so, I prefer not to
start it till I have enough experience in the
international auditing company.”
“Very reasonable. You need my help for the
job?” uncle asked.
“Thanks, uncle, but not this time. Tomorrow I
will request a meeting with the partner in the
company who audits my company. It is one of the
big four.”
“Good luck.”
# # # # #
We were near the tree when my other uncles
and aunts started coming one after the other. Out
of five aunts and eight uncles, only nine said they
would come, and two aunts and four uncles had
come so far.
88 Story of Life
They praised me for succeeding in my
graduation. Uncle Hassan was very happy as he
had strong ties with my father since childhood.
“Your father would have been proud of you,”
Uncle Hassan said.
“Allah shall have mercy on him. He is alive in
the realm of Al-Barzakh and knows about the
achievement of Mohammed,” Aunt Zainab said.
“That’s right; unfortunately we used to
consider death as the end of life,” Uncle Sulaiman
added.
“Honestly, I would rather have death as the
end of life. I can’t imagine living in a tight hole
under dirt. They say the grave compresses you and
angels torture us because of our sins, only to end
up in hell on judgment day.” Aunt Najla said.
“That can’t be true. Isn’t Allah the most
merciful?” Uncle Salman interrupted her.
“Yes he is, but only for obedient ones. We, on
the other hand, are sinners and will end up in hell,”
she replied as quickly.
“I don’t know much about religious matters,
but I know that this is impossible and very unfair.
Allah would never be unfair. He doesn’t need to,”
Aunt Zainab said.
89 Story of Life
Aunt Najla replied with a quote from the Quran
“And We did not wrong them [thereby], but they
were wronging themselves”
“Guys, what is the saying of “Sheikh” Issa on
this?” Uncle Hassan asked.
“Isn’t what I said correct, Issa?” Aunt Najla
asked him.
“I have a different opinion,” Uncle Issa replied,
but before he continued, the rest of my uncles
arrived together. It was a hubbub when a group of
people was talking at the same time. Women, as
usual, gathered in one hall, while men stayed under
the tree exchanging small talk. Most of the young
men started playing soccer. We played for quite
some time until Uncle Hassan announced prayer
time.
# # # # #
We prayed under the tree behind Uncle Issa,
who was the eldest one of my uncles and the most
acquainted with religion because he studied for
several years in a religious school. After prayer, we
organized again under the tree in smaller groups.
Some played carom, some played card games, a
group was talking and others went for a stroll on the
farm. After an hour, a group of them started
discussing death and after death, and turned to
90 Story of Life
Uncle Issa asking him to share his opinions. Uncle
Issa gathered his thoughts and started talking.
“The Quran says: ‘And certainly did We create
man from an extract of clay (12) Then We placed
him as a sperm-drop in a firm lodging (13) Then
We made the sperm-drop into a clinging clot, and
We made the clot into a lump [of flesh], and We
made [from] the lump, bones, and We covered the
bones with flesh; then We developed him into
another creation. So blessed is Allah , the best of
creators (14) Then indeed, after that you are to die
(15) Then indeed you, on the Day of Resurrection,
will be resurrected (16).” Uncle Issa seemed serious
when he started this issue like he was going to talk
about something very important.
“In the beginning, please remove the idea of
death, ending, and annihilation or any similar word
from your minds and enjoy this story that I am
about to tell you.
“Everyone on this earth has a beautiful story of
his existence. The story is over four phases. These
tales are seemingly similar, but each one is as
distinctive as our fingerprints. It is a story with a
beginning, but with no end. The first phase of our
existence started with the fertilization of the one
ovum, out of millions of ova from our mothers, by
the one sperm, out of millions of sperms from our
fathers. With each fertilization, starts the story of
each of us. A new person has been chosen out of
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trillions of possible combinations of the DNA of his
parents. We have been chosen.”
“Fascinating,” Uncle Jafer couldn’t hold his
admiration.
“If anyone could tell the chosen sperm or
ovum that the vast world it lives in is no larger than
a drop in a colossally large world, and that within
nine months, it will become a complete human
being, a vastly larger and stronger creature, capable
of feeling pleasure and pain trillions of times more
than what it is, that sperm or ovum would laugh
and dismiss the thought.
“Fertilization is complete, but that is just the
beginning. The road is very long, strenuous and
risky. There are several stages this single-celled
creature has to cross to become a full-fledged
human being. This long and perilous journey starts
in the womb, which is larger and more complex
than the world of the sperm. Days and months pass
and this single cell divides and reproduces
unimaginably fast to become something
unimaginable as well. Within a few months, it
becomes a human with a heart, mind, senses, and a
soul. The soul can use all potential and tools of the
body. The nine month old fetus would frown on the
claim that he would see or hear or think, but we
know he could and would do much more. He
wouldn’t understand what seeing, or hearing, or
love is, and we don’t expect him to understand at
92 Story of Life
that time. The world of the fetus is so limited that
there is no way to perceive such potential and
capabilities at that time. The fetus would feel that
the womb is much better as a home than the world
of the sperm and comfortable enough to stay in
forever. If you were an observer inside the womb
and you were following the life of the fetus, you
would find that he dies at the end of pregnancy as
far as that life is concerned. What we call as “birth”
in this life is exactly seen as “death” in that world.
Birth is not an easy process; the newborn has to
pass through a very tight opening and gets
thoroughly squeezed. The newborn starts his new
life crying, but, we, those who love him or her,
cherish the birth and celebrate it. We never
underestimate the hardship of being born, but we
look towards the happiness awaiting the child in the
new world. And here we are, in this world, we
realize what happened to us in the previous worlds,
but we don’t remember any details, as if it never
happened. All we feel here is the joy of the new life
with our new potentials and capabilities.”
“This is the second phase of the story of life,
isn’t it Issa?” Uncle Jafer asked.
“That’s right, Jafer, the phase of Al Dunya
World (11), which continues, usually, for no more
than 100 years, and is followed by the third phase
11 Al Dunya world or life is literally translated as (The Lower World or life), which denotes the Islamic view for this life being the lower order of the next life. [Translator]
93 Story of Life
starting the moment of our death in Al Dunya
World, or let’s say our birth in Al Barzakh world and
lasts for probably thousands of years. The fourth
and last chapter or phase of our life is Al Akhira
World or Life (12), which is eternal and endless.
Mathematically speaking, the first three phases of
life are nearly zero in relation to the last one. What
do these coming worlds look like? I don’t know.
Imagine one sperm asking another: ‘hey, they say
there is a very big world beyond this one and it is
called Al Dunya World. Do you believe that?’ His
buddy would say: ‘Yep, I heard that too. They say it
is huge and vastly complex and wonderful beyond
imagination.’
‘Is it? You made it appealing. Can you please
describe it for me?’ the first sperm said.
‘Sure. I read that Al Dunya World is trillions of
times larger than ours. Creatures there live on a
giant globe called Earth and they have a source of
very bright light and heat called Sun. They have
huge oceans similar, but bigger than our seminal
fluid,’ The second sperm answered.
‘Wow that seems cool. I wish I could go there.’
“Now, can you really imagine a sperm
comprehending the whole universe? Can he
understand love or science or good and beauty? Can
he understand happiness, misery or motherhood?
12 (Al Akhira World or life) is translated as (The afterlife) or the (Latter life). [Translator]
94 Story of Life
“Our case is not much different than the
sperm’s case. We think of Al Barzakh world and
describe it in a similar way the hypothetical sperm
talks and thinks about our world, but we don’t really
comprehend it well. Similarly, people in Al Barzakh
World don’t know much about Al Akhira World. At
least we can try to extrapolate the differences by
comparing the world of the sperm to ours. What is
the ratio of the world of sperm to our universe that
extends over billions of light years and continues to
expand every second? You do the math and imagine
the ratio of our world to Al Akhira World. Even then,
I am just using common analogy to bring the idea
closer to understanding, but the reality is much
bigger than that. Let me remind you that all of my
previous examples of the world of sperm, the
womb, and the universe are of material nature.
They differ from each other in time and space
dimensions and complexities of material worlds. The
next worlds, however, transcend matter and the
common time and space dimensions.” Uncle Issa
paused to take a sip of water.
“It seems to me we can visualize that.” Aunt
Najla said.
“No, we can’t,” Uncle Issa replied decisively.
“It is impossible. Allah said in Quran ‘…and produce
you in that [form] which you do not know.’
"Our ability to feel pleasure and happiness, or
pain and misery corresponds to the ratio of our
95 Story of Life
growth from this world to Al Barzakh World.
Happiness and heaven or misery and hell become
part of our existence; much like the food we eat
becomes part of our bodies. A similar
transformation occurs when we leave the World of
Al Barzakh to enter the World of Al Akhira.
“Our initial potential and traits in this world are
decided by external factors like our genetic
inheritance and we have no choice in that, but our
potential and traits in Al Barzakh, and later in Al
Akhira with the resultant happiness or misery are
decided by us through our choices and deeds in this
World of Al Dunya. We decide our make-up and the
way we are created in Al Barzakh and Al Akhira.”
“Would you elaborate on this last issue
please?” Uncle Salman asked.
The maid brought lemonade and Uncle Issa
took one of the glasses and sipped it. Then resumed
talking.
“Do you mean explain how we create our own
status in the coming lives?”
“Yes.”
At that moment, I couldn’t hold the thought in
my mind, “Thank you Uncle Issa, you have
answered one of my vexing questions.”
“Which is?” Uncle Issa asked.
96 Story of Life
“Why Allah throws us in hell? What harm is
done when we have committed few sins out of our
weakness and with no intention of challenging His
will? Why is the punishment disproportionately
longer than the duration of the sins?”
“That’s right. Allah does not punish or torture
us. We do that to ourselves in the way we create
our forms in Al Barzakh and in Al Akhira. Allah
wants us not to do that to ourselves. Allah gave us
every possible means so that we willfully do good to
ourselves, much like mothers warn their beloved
sons to avoid drugs. Although it takes seconds to
take the drug, the consequences can be lifelong or
even cause death. Now back to Salman’s question:
how is that we are the ones who form our reality in
the coming lives?
“The answer to this question lies in the rest of
the story of the second phase of our existence.
Although the details differ from one person to
another, the basis is the same in all, Allah said in
the Quran: ‘[So mention] when your Lord said to
the angels, "Indeed, I am going to create a human
being from clay (71) So when I have proportioned
him and breathed into him of My [created] soul,
then fall down to him in prostration.’ We come to
this world having two aspects or dimensions: an
animal or body-related aspect, and a spiritual or
soul-related aspect. Traits like color of skin, hair,
length, and other physical attributes, and traits like
97 Story of Life
our IQ, courage, love and other psychological
attributes and potential are predetermined by our
genetic make-up. We, also, are born with some
built-in information such as knowing Allah and
loving Him. This package is called “Fitra” (13).
Physical traits maybe hard or even impossible to
change. Psychological traits, that are the basis of
our activity in Al Dunya World, on the other hand,
and our potential and the innate ideals “the fitra”,
are not immutable. It all changes constantly, either
growing or diminishing, one way or the other,
depending on what we do and the knowledge we
acquire. It changes in accordance with our views of
life and our simple daily practices like when we
study, work, play, sleep and interact with others. It
changes with how we think, feel and deal with
everything else around us. In short, your life here is
the pen with which you scribe your life in the next
one, and the most important text written is your
realization of your servitude and subjection to Allah.
“We come to this world with needs of body and
soul. We need to eat, to drink, to wear clothes, to
have fun, to learn and to think. We interact with the
components and inhabitants of the world in order to
satisfy our needs, and as a result, we learn and
13 The literal dictionary meaning of “Fitra” is instinct, but fitra is not meant to denote the physiological body-related instincts or survival-related set of skills in organisms; it has a distinct meaning in human beings related to their innate, natural, and background knowledge of a set of higher ideals that are spontaneously pursued in life unless overrode by nurture and education. [Translator]
98 Story of Life
seek truth, and we work and struggle. New needs
emerge and the cycle goes on to the moment we
die. The sum of the various situations and
challenges you face and the choices you make
during life creates your potential and traits in the
next life. You start with yhe inherited traits you get
from your parents, and you are building on it. If you
are used to having weak and languid attitudes, you
are creating fear in yourself, which will be part of
yourself. On the other hand, if your attitudes are
mostly courageous, you are forming courage to be
part of yourself. In short, you are the one who
sculpts your own statues. Prophet Mohammed
(PBUH) said, ‘Truthfulness leads to righteousness,
and righteousness leads to heaven. And a man
keeps on telling the truth till he is written before
Allah a truthful person. Falsehood leads to
debauchery, and debauchery leads to the hellfire,
and a man may keep on telling lies till he is
written before Allah, a liar.’ The same logic applies
with every other trait like knowledge, will, piety,
wisdom, patience and so on. At the end of the
second phase of life, when the body is no longer
able to keep up with the journey, the soul has to
leave it and go on to the next life. The next life is
bigger, better and more beautiful than this one. We
start a new phase of life, one we helped determine
the quality of, a life where bonding with Allah is the
measure of happiness.”
99 Story of Life
Everyone felt the silence and reverence of the
moment.
“In summary,” Uncle Issa cut the silence,
“since we started this life, we are in a perpetual
evolution and development towards perfection. Allah
said, ‘O mankind, indeed you are laboring toward
your Lord with [great] exertion and will meet Him.’
We move from one world to another when we have
completed our mission and goal in the previous
world, or when our evolution in it stops. Only when
the sperm fertilized the ovum, it could be implanted
in the inner lining of the uterus. And only when the
zygote completed its development in the uterus, it
could be born to this world. And here we are,
continually evolving till we are qualified to move on
to Al Barzakh through what we call “death”. At Al
Barzakh, we keep evolving in a different way, and
together with the rest of souls in it till we are
qualified to move on to Al Akhira World, the last and
permanent one. The transition to Al Akhira is
through the process of resurrection. There, we
continue in a perpetual transcension and integration
towards Allah.” Uncle Issa seemed to rest his case
at that moment.
“Issa, that was truly a great presentation. I
wish I had it at my early days, but anyway, it is not
too late. Tell me what do you mean by getting close
to Allah? Isn’t Allah closer to us than we are to
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ourselves? He said in the Quran, ‘and We are closer
to him than [his] jugular vein.’”
“The proximity mentioned in this verse is the
proximity of His bestowal of existence to us and His
encompassing omnipotence. Nothing escapes His
Knowledge, be it what we say, do, or even think of
and intend to. The proximity I talked about,
however, is the one we obtain with the integration
and evolution in existence.”
“I didn’t get it yet,” Uncle Hassan said. “What
does our integration and development have to do
with our proximity to Allah?”
“The proximity of servitude to Allah is the
extent to which we realize and interact through our
behavior, knowledge, and psyche, consciously, or
unconsciously to being in a state of worship to Allah.
One can reach a state of totally dissolving (14) in
the love of Allah, where he can see nothing without
the context of Allah. Imam Ali said, ‘I saw nothing
without seeing Allah before it, after it, with it, and
in it.’”
“But what is the relation of our worship and
servitude to Allah and our recognition of that to our
14 In the context of Sufi spiritual descriptions of the heights of relationship of man to Allah, common words fail to reflect the true meaning. In this particular case, dissolving is commonly used to denote the breakdown of a solute in a solvent to form a solution, a material description that obviously defies the requirement. The reader is advised to keep a vigilant eye on such instances to avoid confusing the spiritual notions with material examples. [Translator]
101 Story of Life
evolution and development? These are two different
issues, aren’t they?” Uncle Hassan asked.
“To the contrary, they are very linked to each
other. Our proximity to Allah and our recognition of
our servitude to Him are the result of two elements:
first, the intensity of our worship and servitude to
Allah, and second, our intellectual and emotional
knowledge and cognition of this servitude, agree?”
Uncle Issa asked him.
“Honestly, you lost me there. I think I had my
dose of knowledge for today.” Uncle Jafer seemed
overwhelmed.
“Please continue, I need to know more, and
my answer to your question is yes,” Aunt Zainab
urged.
“‘I also don’t understand,” Aunt Najla said.
“Najla,” Uncle Salman volunteered to explain,
“think about it in this way. If your true worship to
Allah is estimated to be 1000, and your sensing or
realization of it is scaled as 60%, then your net
servitude is 600 only, is that right, Issa?”
“Obviously our realization of our servitude to
Allah is variable from person to person depending
on his piety and cognition, but how can we scale the
servitude in each of us? Isn’t our servitude to Allah
absolute and limitless?” Uncle Jafer shot another
question before Uncle Issa could say anything.
102 Story of Life
“It is true that our servitude is absolute and
equal to our whole existence in every aspect. In fact
it is nothing but our very existence bestowed upon
us by Allah. Servitude and existence are two facets
of one coin, agree?” Uncle Issa said.
“Go on,” Aunt Zainab encouraged him to
continue.
“The more intense our existence becomes, the
more true our servitude to Allah becomes. And that
is true even if we don’t realize that we are slaves of
Allah or even if we didn’t acknowledge it or denied it
and dared to challenge Allah as did Satan. In that
sense, our servitude to Allah is more intense than
the jellyfish’s servitude to Allah.
“Our proximity to Allah is the product of the
intensity of our subjection and servitude to Allah,
and our realization of this subjection and sensing
the servitude in our consciousness. On the other
hand, the intensity and strength of our subjection
and servitude to Allah is linked to the intensity of
our development. If we work on developing our
skills, and capabilities and gain noble attributes like
generosity, courage, wisdom, and determination,
then our servitude and proximity to Allah increase
correspondingly and vice versa.”
“These two factors are very related; the more
we develop and integrate, the more we bond to
Allah and vice versa,” Uncle Hassan agreed.
103 Story of Life
“That is true, but keep in mind that though
these two elements are very related to each other,
there is no necessity in this relation, Satan is an
example of that dissociation.” Uncle Issa added.
“I have another burning question, if you don’t
mind?” Aunt Najla asked.
“I don’t mind. If the rest of us are tired of
discussion, we can continue one-to-one,” Uncle Issa
replied.
“What about the punishments in the grave,
and the horrors of death that we keep hearing
about?” Aunt Najla inquired.
“Death, much like birth, is hard on man. It
takes him to an unknown world where he is
unprepared psychologically.. But soon we get used
to the new wonderful life of Barzakh. Death is not
necessarily synonymous with misery or punishment.
When we die, we are born in Barzakh with our true
identity and form that we had in this life. We
possess the capabilities that we gained here. Our
happiness or misery in Barzakh is the result of our
interactions in this world.”
‘Imagine a fetus who is immunodeficient in the
womb of his mother. As long as he is in the womb,
which is a sterile environment, he has no trouble
with germs and infections. But as soon as he is born
and faces the myriad of germs and bugs, his
suffering starts from recurrent infections. It is the
104 Story of Life
same logic for us when we move to Al Barzakh
World. Notice that the Quran describes the death of
the believers in Allah as in ‘The ones whom the
angels take in death, [being] good and pure; [the
angels] will say, "Peace be upon you’ while
describing the same for the unbelievers as in ‘And if
you could but see when the angels take the souls
of those who disbelieved... They are striking their
faces and their backs.’”
# # # # #
On the way back, I was thinking about what
Uncle Issa said. I had never heard or read of such
things before or at least not that clear. He radically
changed the way I think. Although I wasted no time
since I finished high school building on my career
and taking care of my family well, my worldview
was limited to this World of Al Dunya. Never before
had I looked upon all stages of my life from the day
I was conceived till Al Akhira World as one
panoramic view. All I had thought of was to one day
become a CEO of a big firm to make my father
proud of me. I always loved Allah, and I still do, but
I never thought of my servitude to Him. I didn’t
think of how I could please Him. My thinking was
focused on myself, pivoted on what I wanted,
desired, and felt.
Even if all my dreams in the world of Al Dunya
come true, and I became the richest and strongest,
105 Story of Life
what good would that be when I will soon leave all
that behind me and head for my destiny. What a
shame! How would I confront Allah the day I die?
What would I say to Him about my dereliction? How
much I contributed to serve Him and make other
people know Him as I do now?
All the prophets and imams over the history
mingled with people helping them to know Allah and
serve Him. They sacrificed everything including their
lives and their families for that purpose. What did I
give? I live with luxury in good life as if I have no
duties towards Allah, but I don’t know what I should
do. I considered travelling to enroll in religious
studies and get back to my community as a
dedicated preacher, but I didn’t know how I would
earn my living. Tears welled in my eyes and I had to
pull over weep.
Chapter Four
Perpetual
Spiral of
Life
107 Perpetual Spiral of Life
Perpetual Spiral of Life
Al Madina Al Munawara [The Luminous City], July 13th 2001
Many thoughts circulated my head while I was
sitting in the mosque of the Prophet (PBUH)
oriented to the holy shrine and contemplating the
graces of the Prophet on us.
The Prophet (PBUH) sacrificed everything, and
endured like no other prophet before for the sake of
delivering the true message of Islam to us. Now
after fourteen hundred years, the Prophet is still
alive with Allah, watching our deeds and feeling hurt
by our humiliating situation in the world. He feels
hurt by our sins and ignorance of Allah's teachings,
which the Prophet spent his holy life delivering to us
and sacrificed even his household for.
I felt shame in the Prophet’s presence; I am
one of those who hurt him with my sins. I vowed
not to hurt him again. My phone rang at that
moment. It was my mother calling me to get back
to the hotel. I stood up feeling my legs numb of
prolonged squatting posture. I walked to the agreed
assembly spot to meet my mother and go back to
hotel.
108 Perpetual Spiral of Life
I was feeling perplexed ever since I heard
what Uncle Issa said at the farm. I am eager to
dedicate myself to serve Allah. I have read many
books about the path to Allah and all pivoted about
increasing servitude to Allah, but the problem was
that my full daily life doesn’t give me enough room
for additional acts of worship. Should I cut down the
care I give to my family? That would undoubtedly
not satisfy Allah. Should I abandon my pursuit of
career development? Perhaps yes, particularly that
preparing for exams and working at the same time
consumes most of my time and preoccupies my
mind. Socializing with other people also takes a lot
of my time, particularly after prayer. I read in some
books that mingling with people distances us from
Allah.
“Mohammed!” I startled when my bully sister
yelled at me at close distance. Everyone started
laughing at me.
“You are annoying. Allah will not accept your
pilgrimage, and instead, he will give me your
reward!” I said angrily, but that only added to her
joy.
“Will you tell us who the lucky girl is?” my
mother whispered on the way.
“Who? What?”
“The one who is keeping you absent-minded.”
109 Perpetual Spiral of Life
A hot wave of shyness overtook me. We never
spoke about this subject before, and I never
thought of it before either.
“Mom! You can’t say that in the presence of
the Prophet. You know I am not that kind of guy,” I
said defensively.
“What’s wrong with that? Marriage is desirable
not forbidden,” she said.
“Yes, but you know I have more important
things to think of.”
“And you will always have. That does not
mean you won’t get married all your life. Didn’t the
Prophet say ‘That who gets married has completed
half his religion’? is there anything more important
than your religion?” she argued.
“But who will accept to marry me? You know I
intend to go abroad for religious studies as soon as I
ensure a source of income. Who would marry a
religious scholar? And who will accept to come with
me abroad?” I protested.
“You don’t worry about that. You just say yes
and we will do the rest. Our society is not short of
devout girls.”
I didn’t fool myself, I liked the idea. It seemed
that being busy in self-development and attention
about my exams and my work made me overlook
this subject. I whispered in my mother’s ear.
110 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“In this case, find me a beautiful and agile girl.
That condition is necessary. I also want her to be
generous, good-hearted, innocent and educated. I
tell you what; I will give you the list of conditions
tomorrow.”
“Good,” she laughed.
# # # # #
The Omrah pilgrimage was soon over and we
went back home. These were the happiest days I
had ever in my life. I felt peace and longing to be
near Allah and his Prophet. During the pilgrimage, I
used to stay all night near the Ka’aba in prayer and
meditations. I felt love of Allah filling every bit of
me and every cell in my body prayed for Allah. I
prayed that Allah enabled me to dedicate myself for
His service. What good is life if not for Allah?
And here we are once again, back to this world
and its every busy life. Years pass while we struggle
for earthly needs and a perpetual spiral of life until
death snatches us away. Oh God, how much I hate
this world and feel eager to leave it. In Al Akhira
there are no responsibilities to worry about except
worship Allah in a state of love and innocence. O
God, take me to you, but then who will take care of
my family when I am gone? I can’t let them beg
from anyone, not even my uncles. I pray for Allah to
let me live long enough to ensure a good life for my
family and until my sisters are independent enough
111 Perpetual Spiral of Life
to take care of my mother and grandmother. But
then, what have I prepared for Al Akhira World?
What did I give for my religion and the people who
Allah loves and who love Allah? What did I give to
humanity? I pray that Allah helps me establish a
good source of income that allows me to have more
time to serve Him.
But to establish a good source of income, I
have to develop myself and invest part of my
income in commercial real estate. But, that means I
have to be busy in this world at the expense of
worshipping and remembering Allah. No, these are
the whispers of satan to trick me. I will trust in Allah
and not preoccupy myself with the source of income
more than needed. I will dedicate the rest of my
time for remembrance of Allah and worshiping Him.
I have faith that Allah will arrange things for me in
my endeavor. I decided to look for a job in the
government; the working hours are more
comfortable and the job is less stressful. This shall
enable me to have more spare time for worship,
especially when my responsibilities pile up with a
wife and children. Although I felt good about my
decision, I wanted to consult with Uncle Issa. He
was away for a few months in the Netherlands, so I
started looking for a job in the government and let
my mother look for a bride.
# # # # #
112 Perpetual Spiral of Life
My mother threw in a question about how my
future wife should look. That should have been fine
if it was not on the dinner table while everyone was
listening.
“How about Marwa, Aunt Safia’s daughter?”
my sister Khadija asked.
“Mind your business,” I told her. I used this
slightly harsh tone with her when she bullied me. I
meant to bully her back, but she seemed to be
offended, so I hugged her and apologized.
“I will forgive you if you will accept Marwa,”
she said.
“But I feel she is like my sister,” I said.
“I have made a list for you, with photographs,”
my mother said.
“Can we discuss this later on in private?”
My sister Khawla protested, “We have the right
to be part of this decision.”
“Only if you won’t make fun of it.”
“Deal.”
We spent a few hours going through the list
and discussing each one at length. Finally I picked
one, but I had to talk to her and find out how well
we got along with each other. My mother asked
Uncle Issa’s wife to talk to the girl’s mother for an
appointment.
113 Perpetual Spiral of Life
Two weeks went by before we were told about
the approval for the appointment. It was to be at
half past five next Thursday evening. I waited
impatiently and counted minutes and seconds. I felt
it was Allah’s reward for the pilgrimage we just had.
Finally, the day of the meeting came and I
made sure to be there right on time. I was feeling
hot despite turning the air conditioner on, and my
heart was pounding fast.
The sitting room was elegant and revealed
good taste in furnitioning. My mother and I sat on
one side, and on the other sat Nada, and her
parents, Qasim and Batool.
I was joyful, but her father’s questions were
tough, as if I was going to snatch his only child from
him. I kept myself composed and calm.
Half an hour of questioning by her father
passed and I didn’t have the chance to talk to my
bride-to-be yet. A bit later, things started to ease
when my mother gestured at her mother to let us
alone to talk. Both of her parents greeted me again
and left with my mother. My mother and her mother
both sat in the adjacent hall and the door was kept
open to our hall.
The talk with Nada was great. She shared
many of my principles and values. She was very
sweet and pure. I liked her and I felt she would like
me back. I wished the clock to stop there and then,
114 Perpetual Spiral of Life
but alas, time passed so quickly and I had yet to tell
her about my wish to immigrate for religious
scholarship. I believed she wouldn’t mind as she
had the same mission in life as I did, but when I
told her, she felt disappointed and kept silent as if
she was trying to absorb the shock. Then she said
she believed in my endeavor, but was not sure she
could take it with me. Life was not easy for the
wives of religious scholars.
The visit was over. I was very sad. I really
liked her, perhaps because I never talked to another
girl who was not a relative of mine. Or perhaps I felt
we had a lot in common. But the price was going to
be letting go of my plans to study religion. I was not
willing to pay it. I remembered the verse in Quran
‘Have you seen the one who takes as his god his
own desire?’
I didn’t have to wait for long. In two days, we
received the answer—no. Although I anticipated it, I
was frustrated; perhaps I was still hoping that she
would agree despite everything. Yes I was
frustrated, but my feelings towards Allah and my
willingness to sacrifice for Him were stronger. I felt
hot tears running down my cheeks and my heart
raced in reverence to Allah. I whispered to Allah: O
Lord, please accept this offering from me in your
love. I know it is little, but you know I am willing to
give everything to you.
115 Perpetual Spiral of Life
I learned a hard lesson from this experience. I
asked my mother to tell up front any future bride
about my plans for religious scholarship abroad. And
that was it.
Months passed and one girl after another let
me down, until I thought there were no more girls
in town. I had to reduce my prerequisites in the
bride, and still I was rejected by every one of them.
Each time I was rejected, I felt wounded and hurt in
my dignity, and with each rejection, I thought my
chances to make a family were fleeting. It is true
that I was not thinking of getting married in the
beginning, but ever since my mother talked me into
it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It hurt me to see
my mother hurt every time I was refused. It must
have felt like her only son was a leper. It was pity
what society had become— going abroad for
religious scholarship was like a sin or a taboo to
some. They won’t have them as in laws. They like
those religious scholars and students, but only as
long as they stay away from their daughters their
own children are not among them.
Uncle Issa’s wife suggested I do not reveal my
plans for the religious studies, but I refused and
considered that to be fraud. Yes it hurt, but I
remained upright, loved Allah and embraced even
more.
# # # # #
116 Perpetual Spiral of Life
With time, I managed to root the attachment
to my career from my heart. I quit chasing
promotions, but made sure to fulfill my
commitments at work as Allah taught us. I reduced
my interaction with people and stayed silent for long
periods, reiterating supplications at all times. Allah
was present in my mind at all times even when I
slept and I dreamt of being in paradise with good
people. Allah rewarded me for that by helping me
quit listening to the songs. I hadn’t listened to them
since I took vows at the shrine of the Prophet. I
became quieter and calmer. My servitude to Allah
strengthened, but this did not last.
In a few months, a terrifying feeling creaped in
my heart. I started feeling that I am superior
toward others. While I was dedicating my time for
Allah and sacrificing everything for Him, others were
oblivious in their earthly world chasing material
goals. They seldom remembered Allah and they
were not as genuine in prayer. Yes, I was closer to
Allah than them. I started to notice that I couldn’t
cry while praying and the warmth I used to have in
my relationship with Allah started to become colder.
I even stopped fearing Allah; why would He punish
me when I don’t commit sins anymore?
O God, I missed the old days when I had those
sincere feelings towards Allah. I recognized what
was wrong with me. It was a condition called
117 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“Ojob(15)”, and it was more of a curse. I had read
about it once. It is a serious disease of the soul,
particularly of the devout ones and it disintegrates
faith and servitude to Allah. It is worse than the
obsessions induced by Satan. In fact, Ojob is the
disease that brought Satan down as a cursed being.
I was mentally terrified, but paradoxically, I was
emotionally fine. I prayed for Allah to lift this curse.
I asked religious scholars how to treat it, but to no
avail. Time passed quickly, and that was not in by
interest. With each passing moment, this disease
was metastasizing in my soul and attacking my
mind as well. I began to think that I do not have
Ojob. I realized that with this pace, I may end up
like Satan. No way, I would do anything to get back
to Allah. I had only one solution, one that I never
dared to consult with anyone about, but I did it
anyway and hoped to be right. I reverted back to
listening songs and limited my prayers to those that
are mandatory. I started socializing with people
once again. I resumed my camping activities with
my friends like before. We had fun without
committing any sins. I also joined a program for the
American Chartered Accounting (CPA) with intention
to appear for examinations in the coming May.
Within days of joining the CPA program, what I
feared did happen. The financial officer managed to
15 “Ojob” is a state when one feels he is good and deserves to be rewarded by Allah. It is not a mere cognition, but associated with a feeling of worthiness of the rewards and unworthiness of punishment. [Translator]
118 Perpetual Spiral of Life
convince the new regional manager that I am
incompetent and that it is best to get rid of me.
Both of them requested me to resign and they
offered a compensation of three months salary. It
was a shock to me. I resigned.
I didn’t understand, why me? What was
happening to me? Is it a punishment of Allah? Why
would Allah turn his wrath on me? Was it because I
was afflicted with ojob? Was it my fault to have it?
It had gotten into me without my intention. Can you
blame the sick for getting sick? Or perhaps Allah
was angry at me because I tried to solve the
problem of ojob in a wrong way? But was there any
other way I could follow? Could this be just another
test by Allah? But what sort of test was to have
ojob, lose the job that provides for my family and
not finding a girl who would marry me? But why
was I portraying things this way? Maybe it was the
way life goes and I am just another unlucky person.
I should not distract myself or otherwise I would be
chasing my tail. Whatever happened is past, the
future is in the hand of Allah and I have to look
toward that. I have to be positive and not submit to
obsessions or despair. I have to search harder for
the job, even if it is in the private sector. I should
welcome every failure I face and then ignore it as if
it never happened and move on. That would please
Allah with me. I have to work harder for the CPA
abd that would improve my chances to get a better
job.
119 Perpetual Spiral of Life
I don’t know how many months passed in this
situation, but I was persistent and determined. I
didn’t allow feelings of despair or boredom to
discourage me despite all the rejections I had, both
in looking for job and for a wife.
The bright side of it was that I started to
regain my old relationship with Allah, but this time I
was vigilant not to proceed too fast lest I lose it like
before.
However, since I had come back from the
pilgrimage, I had failed in everything. I was sacked
from the job. I had failed to find another one, a girl
to marry and get closer to Allah. O God, I have no
more desire to live. If you will not allow me closer to
you, and then just take me, don’t let me live with
sins.
# # # # #
Thursday, February 7th 2002, Afternoon
I was happily swinging on the swing and
rhyming cantata when Uncle Issa showed up.
“Uncle!” I jumped off the swing and hugged
him. “When did you come back? Why didn’t your
wife tell us so we could come to airport?”
“I told her not to; I wanted to surprise you.”
“A good surprise.”
120 Perpetual Spiral of Life
‘Where is everyone?’
“My mother and grandmother went for some
visits to neighbors. Khadija and Khawla went for a
lesson in the mosque.”
“And you found it suitable to try your voice out
loud.”
“Was it so loud?” I asked.
“No, just kidding you.”
“Have you heard what happened to me?” I
asked.
“Yes, I was following it up. What happened
since we last talked on the farm?”
“I need to talk to you. Would you walk with me
on the Corniche till the time of Maghrib prayers?” I
asked.
“Yes, why not.”
The breeze was cool on the Corniche and the
tide was high and splashing mist in the face, which
made it refreshing to walk. I told Uncle Issa
everything I have been through since we were back
from the pilgrimage; apart from that I started
listening to the songs again. Instead, I used the
expression ‘something wrong I do’. It was
embarrassing, but I needed his advice.
121 Perpetual Spiral of Life
He was silent for a long period, maybe
gathering his thoughts, or maybe despising me for
the wrong I do.
“Mohammed, can I be honest with you?”
“Of course, that’s why I told you everything so
you can help me overcome this,” I said uneasily.
“Despite the wrong you said you are doing, I
have no doubt you are good and love Allah a lot.
Allah rewarded you with good faith, but whatever
happened to you after the pilgrimage is because of
you.”
“Me? How?”
“You tried with your own hands and will to
prevent yourself from three of the most important
ways leading to Allah.”
“Me? No way.”
“First, you left your pursuit in developing your
career. Second, you left socializing with people.
Third, you tended to be silent and avoided talking.”
“But I did that to have more time to worship
Allah and avoid forbidden acts that result from
interacting with people. And how do these three
things lead to Allah?” I was perplexed.
“Remember when we discussed on the farm
how the real servitude to Allah is the level of
intensity of existence we have? And how that
intensity of existence is made of our total
122 Perpetual Spiral of Life
capabilities, skills and knowledge? And how our
existence becomes more intense proportionally with
the strengthening of our good attributes and
capacities? How these unite with ourselves?”
“Yes, I remember that.”
“Then how do you think we can obtain these
skills other than living life and experiencing
challenges? The more challenges we face, and the
more persistent we are to overcome it, the stronger
we get and thus the closer we get to Allah.”
“That’s right. I don’t know how I missed that.”
“Does career development enhance our
capacities to perform and achieve?”
“Yes, it does.”
“Then, your career development greatly led
you toward Allah and made you happier and fulfilled
in this life as well.”
“That is right; I don’t know what got into me.”
“The same applies to social interaction with
people and to talking.”
“Uncle, isn’t the love of this world the doorway
to all sins?” I asked.
“That is right, but you understand it wrong. It
is the way to sins if you forget the afterlife. The
Prophet said: ‘Al Duniya is the farm for Al Akhira’;
whatever we grow here, we shall harvest there. The
123 Perpetual Spiral of Life
balanced equation between Al Duniya and Al Akhira
is what Imam Ali (PBUH) said: ‘Work for your
Duniya as though you shall live forever, and work
for your Akhira as though you shall die
tomorrow.’”
“What about that sin, I mean wrongdoing, I
commit and can’t quit? Can I still get closer to Allah
while I do that?”
“I appreciate that you kept that thing to
yourself. I am not sure if that thing you do is a real
sin or you just exaggerate it.” He then kept silent
for a while and picked a pebble on the fence and
threw it in the sea.
“The sin is a sin, and we shall not take it
lightly and we must repent and try to quit as much
as we can. But at the same time, we should not
allow it to stop us getting closer to Allah, even if we
could not quit doing it,
“We can increase our integration and
development and get closer to Allah even with the
weaknesses we have towards few things. The
Prophet said, “The slave reaches, with his good
manners, the highest levels at Al Akhira and
honorable status, though he is weak in devotions”
and he also said ‘If it had not been that you are
repenting after your sins, Allah would have
created another set of creatures who repent after
sinning. Believers repent after sins. Have you not
heard Allah’s saying: ‘Allah loves those who are
124 Perpetual Spiral of Life
constantly repentant and loves those who purify
themselves?’ And also said: ‘Seek forgiveness of
your Lord and repent to Him.’
“Do you know that there are many texts
narrated from Ahlil Bait [family of the prophet]
which indicate that believer has better connection
with Allah when he is in a state of suffering and guilt
even if he has sinned. Contemplate the quote of
Imam Sadiq, ‘Allah knew that sinning is better
than ojob for the believers, otherwise, he would
have not let any believer sin.’”
“I am the best one to appreciate this quote,” I
smiled.
Uncle Issa laughed and sat on the bench. I sat
beside him and said, “I need to know more about
the way to Allah.”
“The problem with the conventional books
about the way to Allah is that they either propose
practices that are offensive to human nature and
violate the Islamic doctrines or they revolve around
the prayer and remembrance of Allah and the
specific devotions, which are great, but shouldn’t
limit the way to Allah.”
“What do you mean by the specific devotions?
Are there also general devotions?”
“Yes, there are. The general intention of
devotions is to do everything as a service to Allah
and in accordance to his will.”
125 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“Seems difficult.”
“The difficulty is to reach close to the top of
the way, but you can very well reach high levels.
Imam Zain Al Abideen said in the prayer named as
(Abi Hamza Al Thumali), ‘That who travels to you is
close; You are not veiled of Your creatures, but
their deeds cover them of You.’ Do not forget that
Allah created us to pursue Him and He would help
us to reach to Him.”
“I realized this notion also, by experience.
Please go on,” I urged him.
“I am not qualified in this. I am not a religious
scholar, and this matter requires a high degree of
knowledge and experience.”
“But I have no one else. I need to understand
more about it.”
“Fine, but not now. Let’s go pray now, and
then I have to go home. Why don’t you and your
family come tomorrow to the farm so we can talk?”
“I would love to, but I have to ask my mother.
I will call you.”
# # # # #
The breeze was cool and refreshing in the
farm. I was walking with Uncle Issa between the
trees. He was silent and trying to gather his
126 Perpetual Spiral of Life
thoughts, but when he started to talk, I said ‘Do you
mind if I record this? I want to hear it over again.’
“No problem.”
I removed the recorder from my pocket and
started recording.
“I was reading The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People by Steven Covey. You know it was
one of the best sellers for some time. One quote in
the book caught my attention— ‘We could spend
weeks, months, even years laboring with the
personality ethic trying to change our attitudes and
behaviors and not even begin to approach the
phenomenon of change that occurs spontaneously
when we see things differently. It becomes obvious
that if we want to make relatively minor changes in
our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our
attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make
significant, quantum change, we need to work on
our basic paradigms.’ This is what the holy Quran
stress on, ‘To Him ascends good speech, and
righteous work raises it,’ As well as the Prophet
when he said, ‘The intention of the believer is
better than his deed,’
“In the realm of getting closer to Allah, we
have first to realize that the targeted change has to
start with our feelings, and perceptions rather than
our behaviors and deeds. The most important factor
that enables us changing ourselves and getting
127 Perpetual Spiral of Life
closer to Allah is the set of concepts and instructions
that Islam established in us through the Fitra, which
includes the Islamic doctrines as well.”
“You mean like Al Tawheed (16) and Divine
Justice.”
“Yes and also like the belief that Allah’s
creation of us is nothing but goodness and bestowal
and generosity. He bestows existence on anything
that could be. Do you remember when I previously
told you that the intensity of our existence and our
servitude to Allah are two sides of the same coin?”
“Yes, I was very impressed by the notion.”
“Then it is time to take it one step further.
There are, in fact, three aspects. The intensity of
existence, the servitude to Allah, and the level of
appreciation of happiness and misery. The more
intense the existence becomes, the stronger the
servitude to Allah, and the higher the appreciation
of happiness and misery.”
“Why misery? Is the existence not supposed to
makes us happy?”
‘Maybe in Al Duniya World, but after that, the
level of intensity of our existence determines our
appreciation of happiness or misery. What really
determines whether we are happy or miserable is
our realization of the servitude to Allah and how far
16 Al Tawheed is the doctrine of monotheism.
128 Perpetual Spiral of Life
this affects us in our behavior. The more positive it
is, the more our happiness becomes until we
ourselves become The Happiness and vice versa.
Note how great is the mercy and love of Allah for
us. He made our goal in life to increase our
servitude to Him and getting closer to Him.’
“and the more we bond to him as His slaves,
the happier we become and the more intense our
existence, but what do we exactly mean by
servitude.”
“Servitude to Allah means to set free from
every other bond around you and from every
injustice in the world and from all negative emotions
like fear, anxiety, weakness and even self-slavery.
Nothing in the world, no matter how small or big,
should affect you other than Allah.”
“I think this notion is indicated in the Quran
‘Allah is the ally of those who believe. He brings
them out from darkness into the light. And those
who disbelieve - their allies are Tyrants. They take
them out of the light into darkness,’ and in ‘Allah
is the Light of the heavens and the earth.’”
“That’s right. That person who attains this
level of servitude to Allah is called (The Perfect
Human), and he is our means to get closer to Allah
and for integration.”
“Uncle, what do you mean by integration?”
129 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“Growth and development of ourselves
including our humanitarian values and skills in
harmony and proportion. No one skill to lag behind
the others until all reach peak levels and root in our
conscious and subconscious mind. It should appear
in everything we do, and should unite with
ourselves. The most important of these values is our
realization of our servitude to Allah.”
“And how can we get ourselves to such a level
of servitude?”
“Allah outlined the methodology for us. It
includes practicing normal daily life in accordance
with Islamic guidelines in a balanced way. All your
humanitarian values and ethics should grow in a
comprehensive and balanced way. The love and
satisfaction of Allah should be your direct guide at
each moment of your life,
“The Islamic Shari’a (17) is a training program
that Allah approved for our growth and for the
development of the community. It is harmonious
with the basic human nature as well as the cosmic
laws. This is the general approach, but the
applications are as many as the breaths of all
creatures. Each man has a unique make of potential
and attributes that he inherited and each man has a
different surrounding environment and different
challenges and events.”
17 Islamic Shari’a is the set of rules and regulations set by Islamic legislator to organize life at the level of individuals, communities, and nations. [Translator]
130 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“I tried to follow the Islamic guidelines as
much as I understand it, but I almost fell into a
deep abyss of the Ojob.” I said.
“That is true; you could be honest and hard
worker, but you still could miss the right way due to
ignorance of the right Islamic guidelines or
negligence. However, both could be remedied.”
“And what is that remedy?”
“Ignorance in Islamic guidelines can be treated
by learning and reading the Quran and the holy
quotes of the Prophet as well as the supplications
and contemplation. The negligence, on the other
hand, can be remedied by solitude and self-auditing
daily at night, even if it were briefly for half an hour.
Having good friends and advisors helps also.”
Memories of my childhood friendship with
Amer flooded me. He was the only friend who could
be described as the honest advisor.
“Are you still in here?”
“Yes. I just remembered one of my dearest
friends. Please continue.”
“The core idea is that your ability to enact
humanitarian values and faculties depends on three
factors in you. Your desire, your practice and your
psychological nature.”
131 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“And by the psychological nature, you mean
the set of skills, faculties, mental images and
mental maps that we used to talk about?”
“That’s right, our psychology is continually
changing. It is the sum of all of your responses to
all of the stimuli that you come across in your life no
matter how small and whether you know about or
you not.”
“In this case, why did Allah judge Abu Lahab
(18) and Satan before their lives are over? Could
they have not repented before death?”
“Allah knew that they would not repent. The
possibility of any change of any attribute, habit or
mental image in you depends on the three factors I
just mentioned. Let me say it again; your desire to
change, your behavior and how deep this thing is
rooted in you. Wickedness could be so strong in a
person due to his desires and practices to the
degree that the person and wickedness become one
and impossible to part, as did happen with Satan.
The Quran described this as “Allah has set a seal
upon their hearts.” On the other hand, beauty and
perfection could become so much in a person, also
due to his desires and practices, to the degree that
perfection unites with him and impossible to part
with him, as did with the infallibles.” He said.
18 Abu Lahab was the paternal uncle of Prophet Mohammed and one of the enemies Islam. [Translator]
132 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“This would shed light on this verse in the
Quran ‘Say, [O Muhammad], "Shall we inform you
of the greatest losers as to [their] deeds? (103)
[They are] those whose effort is lost in worldly life,
while they think that they are doing well in work.’
The verse indicates those whom ugliness becomes
part of them because of their deeds; they believe
the good is bad and vice versa, right?” I asked.
“True, the psychological nature of any person
is the lens, through which he looks to the world and
interacts with it in daily life. You may look at the sea
and see beauty and goodness. You may feel the
sound of waves as music. You, also, may look at it
as a terrifying mysterious giant and feel the sound
of waves as a sad rhyme for all those who drowned
in it. Sunset may give you gripping feelings, or it
may mean peace and beauty to you. You maybe
somewhere and hear somebody’s mobile phone’s
ringtone that used to be yours when you received a
bad news and that awakens bad feelings in you or
the opposite in different circumstances. All that is
related to your mental maps. Maybe this is the
reason for the obvious concern felt in Quran and in
the books of supplications and the rest of our
religious practices about changing our mental
imagery and mapping and making it healthier and
more positive and with more monotheistic servitude
and on leaving behind all negative feelings of fear
and weakness.
133 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“Not only that, our psychological environment
naturally and spontaneously determines our
responses at various daily issues.” He said that and
thought for moments before adding with a slow tone
of emphasis “Of course we can act in discordance to
our psychology, negatively or positively.”
“I think you lost me here.”
"If your psychology is of purity, strong will,
and love of good, and is in accordance with the fitra
and there are no psychological obstacles, you can
attain values and skills that will take you closer to
Allah with a mere desire, but practice will enhance
that.
“Your continuous practice of any value or
attribute, good or bad, ingrains it in you, even if you
don’t want to. It finally becomes one with you and
impossible to part with you.”
“Ok. Let’s take the example of someone who
feels sad seeing the sunset. What can he do?” I
asked.
“First, you have to understand the reasons for
these feelings in you. You have to dive deep in your
memories and find what caused the problem. Focus
and concentrate in your search, and when you get
tired, forget it for a while. Get back to the task
again later, maybe three times a day. This will
stimulate your subconscious mind to work on it
even when you are asleep. You may get to the
134 Perpetual Spiral of Life
bottom of it immediately, or it may take several
days of weeks, but, you will, most likely, get to it
eventually. Now, it could be that your boss, who
likes the orange color in his clothing, is not so good
with you, giving you bad days at work and sunsets,
therefore, could be evoking subconscious memories
of him.”
“What if the reason goes back to childhood?” I
prompted him for more.
“You may have been scared of demons and
ghosts at night, and sunsets are telling you that
night is just starting. These negative feelings would
have stayed in there if not properly treated. The
mere knowledge of the reason helps you uncouple
your vague feelings of sunsets with the old stimuli.
We talked about the desire and the psychology, but
you still need the practice. To establish the new
positive attitudes towards the sunset, while you
watch sunset, you should practice something that
used to give you feelings of relaxation like a walk
with a friend on the beach. This practice shall
replace the old negative association with a new
positive one.” He took few breaths after saying this.
“I have been using this method since I passed
the high school crisis, and it works quite well,” I
said.
“This makes you in closer contact with your
subconscious mind, and it strengthens your self-
esteem and thus makes you in better ablility to take
135 Perpetual Spiral of Life
care of your own issues and development. You may
eventually become capable of changing your mental
mapping without much practice.”
“That, too, happened to me some time ago.”
“Then you are lucky. I am still unable to do
that. Anyway, these three elements are realized
through practicing daily life in a positive way by
struggling and striving to make it better, both
materially and morally, and in accordance with the
guidance of the Islamic legislation.
“By leading a positive life, we grow, learn, and
become wiser and transcend with our morals and
souls to love Allah and his attributes. Our
responsibilities to our families, jobs, communities,
and all of humanity become more welcome and
comforting. We love more all humans and each and
everything else in the universe. We become purer
and more beautiful and perfect. Our psyches
become free of ills. We know Allah better and relate
to Him stronger.”
“That is a wonderful life you are describing.” I
said.
“It is. Islam does not view life as evil. On the
contrary, Imam Ali describes it as ‘Al Duniya is a
home of honesty for the honest ones, a home of
prosperity for that who prepares in it, a home of
salvation for that who understood it. It is where
Allah’s revelation descended, and where Prophets
136 Perpetual Spiral of Life
of Allah prayed, and a store in which Allah’s allies
gain mercy and win the paradise’
“How could anything Allah created be evil? It
would not be good to cocoon in Al Duniya and forget
what is beyond. Conversely, the good is in investing
life to gain what is beyond Al Dunya.”
“In this case, asceticism in Al Duyna for the
sake of full-time dedication of worship denies us the
opportunity to transcend ourselves to Allah, right?”
“Indeed, the real test is not in not getting wet
while walking on the banks of the river, the real test
is to swim and dive in the river and stay dry. This
won’t come without long practice. That is why Allah
created Al Duniya for us to practice. The test is to
struggle in this world with all your capacity to earn
your living, to make life easy for your family and
kids, to educate your kids in the best schools, to live
in a comfortable house, to drive the best of cars,
and yet, not to be captive of these pleasures.
Success is being ascetic in these pleasures whilst
having them, so that if you had to lose it, you won’t
fall apart. If you could do that, then you are a true
ascetic. And then you would have to practice it till it
roots in you and becomes one with you. Allah said
in Quran ‘In order that you not despair over what
has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what
He has given you.’”
“I heard once that asceticism is not owning
things, but not being owned by things.” I said.
137 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“Remember that your goal is not being fully
dedicated to Allah while you are leading a life of
solitude and loneliness, but rather to be fully
dedicated to Allah while you live fully with people.
The challenge is to continue not seeing other than
Allah when you are amidst all those things and
people in life. Your goal is to be dedicated to Allah
while you eat, sleep, study, work, play with your
kids, have fun with your friends, and live every
details of your life. Dedication to Allah shall not
mask life, and your life shall not mask your
dedication to Allah. There is not exclusivity in these
two, they perfectly overlap.”
“Uncle, would you elaborate on the issue of
overlap and no-exclusivity please?”
“You watched any of the good soccer players?
Have you seen how that player gives everything he
has to the game?” He asked.
“Yes.” I was not sure where he is going.
“Why do you think they are so deeply involved
in the game?”
“Because winning and having the cup is their
ultimate goal.”
“Yes, they give everything they have because
they have a dream and they are so deeply
immersed in that dream that it takes over their
minds and emotions and inspires them to give their
best.”
138 Perpetual Spiral of Life
“That is true.”
“So their concentration and focus on playing is
in perfect line with their goal of winning the cup. In
fact, it is their prime driver and motivator.”
“Indeed.” I agreed “They wouldn’t do as good
if they lost sight of the cup.” Silence fell in for a long
moment and I looked down pondering on what he
said.
“But how do we know we will have the
necessary challenges to develop all aspects of our
personalities?” I restarted the dialogue.
“You would be responsible for that. Through
the practice of solitude and self-auditing as well as
by contemplation and meditation.
“But you can also rest assured that if you are
honest in your endeavor, Allah will lead your way.
He said in Quran ‘And those who strive for Us - We
will surely guide them to Our ways’.
“You are required to live your life in a positive
and balanced way and try your best to develop, and
Allah will do the rest.”
“So, Allah wants us to enjoy the allowed
pleasures of life, and even to pursue it in a positive
and balanced way. That pursuit encompasses the
challenges we need to develop and integrate. The
challenge would be not to fall captive of these
139 Perpetual Spiral of Life
pleasures, right?” I tried to paraphrase the notions
to make sure I got it right.
“Yes. To go a step further, Allah wants us to
love ourselves but not to be captive to it. To put it
more clearly, Allah wants us to dissolve in Him and
have no other entity other than His, not even our
own entity.”
“How can one break free of his own self?”
“Our pursuit of fulfilling our bodily needs
strengthens our attachments to our Selves and we
might end up pivoting around it, but Allah wants us
to break free of that attachment. This attachment is
a barrier to getting close to Allah as happened with
Satan. Allah, therefore, asks us to practice giving
and altruism and to wish good for others as we wish
that for ourselves and to help others get what they
need, considering it much more impprtant than
Pilgrimage!
“Pilgrimage is a great act of worship and lasts
for several days during which we get closer to Allah;
helping someone to get what he wants may not take
more than few minutes, but it helps us to move out
of our self-centralism.
“Islam outlined four axes for individuals’ lives,
and asks us to pursuit it in a balanced way and in
accordance to the guidance of Islamic legislation.
These are: first, the pursuit of fulfilling the basic
human needs in a balanced way, second, self-
140 Perpetual Spiral of Life
development, third, giving to others, and guiding
them to do good and abstain from doing evil, and
fourth, continuous of worship and remembrance of
Allah“
# # # # #
Two weeks passed after my last talk with uncle
Issa, but I can still hear it echoing in me. This
discussion was crucial for me; my views to life were
radically changed. I started looking to everything in
a different spontaneous way. I saw everything and
every event, good or bad, as a path to Allah.
I used to use my will and determination to
stay positive and fight feelings of anxiety and pain,
but now, I feel happy and peaceful from within. All
that goes around me is just another challenge and
test to give me more opportunities to get closer to
Allah.
Eid Al Adha (19) approached and I was feeling
much better than I did in Eid Al Fitr (20) that was
not so happy. We enjoyed spending few days in the
farm of uncle Issa and his family. Right after the
19 Eid Al Adha, also called Feast of the Sacrifice, the Major Festival is an important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide to honor the willingness of the prophet ʾIbrāhīm (Abraham) to sacrifice his young first-born son Ismā'īl (Ishmael) as an act of submission to God's command and his son's acceptance to being sacrificed, before God intervened to provide Abraham with a Lamb to sacrifice instead. [Translator: from Wikipedia]
20 Eid Al Fitr, also called Feast of Breaking the Fast and the Lesser Eid, is an
important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide that marks the end of Ramadan holy month.
141 Perpetual Spiral of Life
holidays of the Eid, I got a job offer from an
international auditing company that used to audit
my previous employer. I had the interview some
time ago. The salary was 20 percent lower than my
earlier salary, but the job was the one I looked for.
The managing partner promised me a raise after
completion of my CPA. As I had no other choice,
and since I only had a couple of months to finish my
CPA, I took the job. It seems good things come
together as well; as soon as I got back home, my
mother told me she found a good girl for me and
who is very likely to accept my plans of religious
studies abroad. She was in her last year of college. I
asked them to ask her hand immediately, but I was
prepared for the worse. Few days later, I was told
she requested a couple of months to think since she
was just out of another engagement that lasted a
couple of years. I respected her request and started
the wait.
Chapter Five
Love Makes
Miracles
143 Love Makes Miracles
Love Makes Miracles
Days passed slowly; I counted hours and
minutes waiting for Sara’s answer. I couldn’t help
thinking she will reject me as others did. Luckily, I
didn’t have much of spare time these days. I was
busy in my new job and the final preparations for
the CPA. I had to reduce my social hours and my
trips to the mosque and cut down my sleep to less
than four hours daily. But even then, I couldn’t help
think of her time and over.
The two months finished and I was waiting for
the answer even more eagerly. This was not a good
time to stress out, not when I was about to appear
for my exams. I flied to the states for the exams
feeling distracted between my exams and my future
bride.
I did four exams over two days, each exam
lasting around four hours. It was very exhausting
but exciting, especially when there were hundreds
of others from all over the world in the hall. Most
important was that, contrary to what I kept hearing
about the exams, I found it easy. The next day, I
was on my way back home and this time, I had the
luxury of daydreaming all the nice things I wanted
in the coming days. I had many dreams about the
144 Love Makes Miracles
new job, the results of my CPA, and most of all, the
answer of Sara.
# # # # #
The answer, finally, came on. I couldn’t believe
it. It was a dream I never thought will realize. Sara
said yes. May 27th 2002 will be a day to celebrate
for the rest of my life.
I loved Sara the moment I heard her name,
even before I knew much about her or even see
her. I felt towards her what I never felt towards any
other girl before. I felt I knew her for long.
Sara lost both of her parents early in her life in
a car accident when they way on their way from
Muscat to Dubai, and since then, she has been
cared of by her elder sister. Her family is well
known for its religious dedication, outstanding
morals, and sharp wits. It caught my notice what I
heard about her strict hijab.
The meeting took place in her sister’s house. It
was a luxurious house in the Shati Al Qurum area.
For a while I felt all this is bigger than I am; I
always lived as a modest and poor guy, and
although my financials are not so bad now, I
certainly can’t afford to provide all this. We went in,
me my mother, and uncle Issa’s wife. The gathering
was wonderful and friendly.
145 Love Makes Miracles
After a while, our folks quietly withdrew to the
other side of the hall where they can see but can’t
hear us. Despite all the feelings I had towards Sara,
I managed to stay composed. Sara was poised all
the time and talked maturely. After a long talk, we
got to know more about each other and then she
took me off guard with a question “You know why I
broke up my last engagement?”
“No,” I replied, “I asked, but couldn’t know.”
“My ex-fiancé insisted that we live in his
family’s home.”
“Is that a problem?” I asked.
“Yes, all my life I dreamt of my own home. If I
lived with my mother in law, then I will be under
her watch and won’t feel my own. I will be a guest
in her house.”
“It will be your house.”
“No, it won’t, and I will not allow myself to
dispute with my mother in law at her house. If you
want me, then we must live elsewhere. That is not
negotiable.”
That was very frustrating. She said it in a stern
way. I can’t give up my family, even if I had to
spend the rest of my life unmarried.
“What if I told you I can’t let go my family?
Think about it, if I let them go now, what makes
you sure I won’t do that to you tomorrow?”
146 Love Makes Miracles
She thought about it for a while, then said,
“God forbid I ask you to let them down or part with
them. You can spend with them all you like. We can
have dinner at your mother’s house every night, but
we must have our own house. You are about to
make a new family, and you will have two families,
not one, so you will need to have some privacy in
each one.”
I was took a back with her logic. I never
thought about from this angle. She was right, but I
couldn’t tell my mother about it.
“Let me sleep on it for few days.” I requested.
“I am sorry to put you in this tough situation,
but I want you to know that I like you mother a lot
and feel that she is the mother I lost at my
childhood, but then, I would have done the same if
my mother was alive”
“I understand. I will get back to you in few
days” I said that with a pale smile. On the way
home, I told my mother and uncle Issa’s wife about
this and expected the worst, but was astonished to
see that they agreed with Sara in her view.
# # # # #
The engagement was good and we agreed to
get married three months later, in August, few
weeks after she would start working as a teacher. I
didn’t have enough savings to furnish a house, not
147 Love Makes Miracles
after I spent a good chunk of it in getting the CPA,
so I had to borrow from the bank. The new car’s
loan, the previous loan from the bank, the rent of
the new house, and the monthly aid I gave to my
mother were covering almost all my salary. I hardly
had anything left for another house, but then, I was
promised to get a raise after the CPA, and I am
almost about to get the results.
I was shocked after opening the envelop at the
post office to see that I only passed two modules,
and failed the other two by only 1 or 2% of the
grade. It wasn’t just frustrating, it was almost
crushing. I needed the cash, and it wasn’t the right
time to fail. I should be getting married three days
later. I felt my chest gripping, and as usual in
similar circumstances, I went to the place that
makes me feel better – the beach. After few hours
of despair, I made few decisions. I will reappear for
the exams in November this year, three months
later and I will get a top up of the loan by two
thousand riyals.
# # # # #
Today, Saturday, is my first working day after
the wonderful honeymoon in Turkey, but as much I
wished to stay in the honeymoon, as much I was
eager to get back to the working life.
148 Love Makes Miracles
I fixed tea and breakfast for me and Sara, who
was still sleeping. I woke her up, we had the
breakfast, and then we both left, each in his own
car to work.
I was getting late; it was half past eight when
I left home. The secretary called to check if I was
coming and I reassured her I am on my way. Upon
reaching the office, there was a surprise waiting for
me: my colleagues prepared a small reception party
for me and they gave me a nice watch as a wedding
gift.
That was a great start of work and it sure
injected some enthusiasm in my blood. I needed it
as I was going to participate in a preliminary audit
for a bank that was one of our most important
clients.
The auditing period was not supposed to
exceed a month, but because of the corrupted
monitoring systems in the bank, it took me a little
more than two months, but at the end of the task,
my report was professional. I outlined ten major
weaknesses in the monitoring systems of the bank
and provided correctional recommendations. I
realized that this report meant a problem for both
the bank and my firm, but I couldn’t help but be
honest in my work. Few days later, and just before
my travel to the States for exams, I was summoned
by the Partner at his office. He congratulated me for
the wedding, and praised my skills in auditing and
149 Love Makes Miracles
thanked me for it. During this time I was expecting
“a but” and anticipated being reprimand for the
report, but when I didn’t find it, I asked him if he
expects me to make alterations in the report. The
question surprised him and he didn’t feel good
about it. I sighed within and thought I must have
either misjudged him or overrated my report. At the
end of the meeting, he congratulated me for the
good results in the CPA and ensured me that he will
give me a raise as soon as I pass the two exams
next week. He, however, asked me to add one
sentence in the report: ‘there is a set of alternative
and effective monitoring procedures in the bank and
sufficient for its work.’ I smiled and said “I can’t”.
Once again I expected a rage response, but once
again he surprisingly said, “no problem, forget
about it.”
Later on that day, my direct supervisor told
me the Partner asked him to add this sentence to
the report and countersign it. He did it and was not
too happy about it. It wasn’t, he told me, the first
time, and it wouldn’t be the last.
# # # # #
My trip to the States lasted a week. When I
got back to work, I found that my life turned to hell.
The Partner wanted me to resign, which I couldn’t
afford to before I complete the two years required
for my CPA. The local labor law didn’t allow him to
150 Love Makes Miracles
fire me, so he used the “bone crushing strategy”. He
spared no opportunity to humiliate me and show me
as a failure. He overwhelmed me with work, and
even downgraded my pay. He continuously tasked
me to remote areas, and used many ways to stress
me out.
In the beginning, I felt very stressed, finding
myself in tight situations. I couldn’t believe it is
happening to me, with premeditated intent that it
comes of a mentality so used to devious methods
and conspiracies. Then, as the aggravations
escalated and my life at work worsened, I hated
getting up at morning and needed more sleep,
perhaps to evade the painful time at work. I found
myself eroding from within, and it reflected on my
family and home. I was unable to focus at work
either. My ties to Allah remained strong, but at the
Thursday night in the last week of January, my
heart pounded as I invocated to Allah and prayed as
quoted in Quran ‘Indeed, I am overpowered, so
help.’ At that night, when I was listening to the
Supplication of Kumail, I decided not to give in for
the pressures. How could I, when I know this is my
opportunity to become what Allah wants me to
become? I must be stronger gather myself. At
midnight, when it was so quiet, I got up and
sneaked to the balcony. The breeze was cool and
refreshing. I filled in my lungs with air, trying to
wash out all the stress. I prostrated and prayed
deeply. I got up and thought it over. The more I
151 Love Makes Miracles
thought, the more I realized I am up to a boss, who
would not let me without either pushing me to
resign or breaking me down, neither of which I
could allow. I had to stay in shape until I moved on
to another company after I complete my two years
in this one, which was the requirement of my
chartered accountant certifications. I almost did one
year, and I had one more to go.
I decided to use the “don’t care strategy” and
stay composed. I decided to focus on acquiring as
much experience as I could meanwhile, so I had to
stay for long hours averaging 11 hours daily.
I also decided to keep everything related to
work at the doorstep of work. My time at home was
for my wife, and she didn’t ask for more than I be
happy at home.
The plan worked well and I was rewarded by a
pleasant surprise. I passed the last two exams. I
needed this, not only to demand a raise, but to stay
tall at the company, even in an international
auditing company like I work for; those who have
this certification are handful. It induces feelings of
awe in everyone, for it requires not only so much of
preparation, but also a high mental potential; at
least, this is what they kept saying. In the world of
auditing, this certificate is considered a real
standard and renders those who have it as
professional auditors. God, that feels great!
152 Love Makes Miracles
The next morning I was the first to reach the
company, and awaited the Partner to show him that
I am resistant to breaking techniques, and to
demand a raise, and probably to open a clean slate.
It seems, though, I don’t read people well. I was
expecting him to feel bad, but far from that, he was
happy to hear the news, or so he seemed. He
congratulated me for the achievement. I requested
the raise, but his answer was a clear “No.” He said I
don’t deserve it because I am not good at work, and
my performance is not as expected. He said he had
to demote me to less than a graduate in my pay
grade.
That was too much for me to take; I couldn’t
speak a word. I left his office and went to the
beach. I went for a swim with all my clothes on me,
perhaps the cold waters could put off my fire.
# # # # #
It was so frustrating; my salary was not
enough for my financial responsibilities. I suggested
to my wife we move to my mother’s house to save
rent, but she totally refused and I couldn’t push
her; it was her condition to begin with.
I had no other choice than to move to another
job, with a bigger salary, especially that I was a
CPA. That was not a pleasant choice; in order to get
better in auditing, and to get the fellowship of CPA,
153 Love Makes Miracles
I need at least two years’ experience in this
company, of which I only had one. Moving to
another company would mean I throw away all my
goals for this phase and to start over, probably with
another set of goals. I was incensed at the Partner.
Wouldn’t have if my financials were good, but with
this situation, I was cursing him for all the problems
I had.
That night, I was driving to my mother’s house
for dinner. My wife was talking as usual, but she
noticed I was somewhere else. I sighed and said
“Allah curse him.”
My wife was stunned to hear me curse,
“Sweetheart. You are not the kind that curses
people, no matter what they do.”
“You have no idea what trouble we are in.” I
said a bit harshly.
This seemed to hurt her; her eyes welled up.
“I have been in this with you since we got married.
How could you say I have no idea about it?”
“I am sorry honey. Please forgive me.”
“Only if you won’t say it again. One more
thing.”
“Yes?”
“Smile and leave it to Allah.”
“I will smile, but I can’t just forget our
problems.”
154 Love Makes Miracles
“Few days ago, you said Allah wants us to face
our problems with a positive attitude, didn’t you?”
“Yes I did.”
“I don’t see much of positivity here.”
“You are right.”
“Don’t let it show up on you. We are going to
your mother’s house. I don’t want her to know or
feel you have any problems. We don’t want to
burden her with that.”
“You got it.”
When we were about to get into my mother’s
house, she whispered to me “Please pretend to be
happy. I don’t want them to think I give you
problems.”
“I AM happy honey because you are with me.”
# # # # #
In the darkness of the night at the beach, I
took her hand and embraced it in passion. The
breeze was cool in February. We walked bare-feet
on the soft sands and listened to the sounds of the
deep waves.
We walked for few minutes, savoring the
majestic beauty of the sea and discharging our
negative feeling in it.
155 Love Makes Miracles
“Why all this is happening,” I said in muffled
pain. “Why do people cheat, and lie? Why are they
so evil?”
“Sweetheart, forgive your boss. Satan seduces
people to do these things.” She answered with a
sweat smile. Her infinite goodness makes me love
her even more.
“I forgave him, but I don’t think Satan is the
reason. Man, himself, is responsible for his own
deeds. All that Satan is doing is to cheer for him. It
is much like a soccer game; we are the players, and
Satan is the spectators.”
“Right, but why does Allah allow Satan to
seduce us?”
“I don’t know the answer despite that I have
been thinking about it for years. Anyway, let us
think about our problem.”
“Ok, what is the worst thing you fear?” she
asked.
“The worst already occurred. The Partner
refused to increase my salary and I have to find
another job and throw away the two years’
experience that I need. These two years meant a lot
to me.”
“And how much do you expect to be paid in
the new job?”
156 Love Makes Miracles
“With the CMA and CPA and the experience I
have, I expect an administrative job in accounts or
finance with at least 2000 riyals pay.”
“We calculated our monthly needs around
1300 riyals, right?”
“That’s right, but I am not worried about the
salary. I feel sorry to leave the company and my
goals with it behind my back. I wanted to be good
in auditing.”
“To get the fellowship, right?” she interjected.
“Right.”
"Wrong. You can move to another international
auditing company to patch up the two years’
experience. I am confident that with your
experience and qualification and that you are a
citizen, you will be head-hunted by all auditing
companies.”
“But I don’t like jumping from one job to
another; keep in mind I plan to move from auditing
to services sector as soon as I get my experience.”
“You make it sound like a disaster.” She
grinned.
I pondered on that for some time. Once again,
she is right and I was creating unnecessarily
additional stress to myself just by clinging to my
comfort zone.
157 Love Makes Miracles
“You are still 24 years old. This is the time
many people start their carrier, but you are already
way ahead. You have qualifications very few people
in the country have. Don’t overlook all that just
because you don’t like to switch jobs.”
“You are right, again.”
She laughed “Am I not always?”
We were silent for moments, and then she
asked “Would he be any trouble to you anymore? I
mean on your job performance.”
“Don’t think so, I considered his behavior as
an opportunity to get stronger. I can work well
despite his provocations.”
“Then, we don’t have a real problem, do we?”
“No.”
“I do have one.”
“You got my undivided attention.” I said with a
bit of concern. I was absorbed all the time with my
own problem, and I may have missed looking after
her.
“Are we partners? I mean for real.”
“Of course we are partners.”
“It seems to me we are not living up to this
aim.”
“I don’t follow you.”
158 Love Makes Miracles
“You keep talking about your salary and worry
that it may not cover our expenses, but you forget
about mine. I work too, remember?”
“But.”
“But what? Isn’t the home mine too? Isn’t this
my life too?” her voice was getting louder.
“It is. Of course it is, but I am responsible for
the living.”
We had a long discussion, but she, as usual,
managed to convince me. We agreed that I stay in
my current job to complete my two years’
experience, and she would fill in the financial gaps
with her salary.
# # # # #
May, 19th 2003
“Hand me that bag, quick, I will throw up.”
I gave her the bag, and pulled over to the
shoulder of the road. She was feeling sick since last
night and kept on throwing up. I took her to the
doctor, who after few questions and a bit of
examination, smiled and asked her to do a
pregnancy test.
No. That can’t be true. We planned to be child-
free for the first three years of our marriage. Could
159 Love Makes Miracles
we have miscalculated things? She IS pregnant, in
the second month.
Well, on the other hand, I was glad to hear it.
I will be a father. I was feeling anxious at the same
time. It is a big responsibility after all. Will I be able
to handle it? Will I be like my father?
The days were slow, painful, and exhausting;
my wife suffered of hyperemesis gravidarum—
severe nausea and vomiting of pregnancy. She was
bedridden, and exhausted. She was vomiting a
dozen of times daily.
At night, she was sleepless, having body aches
and parasthesiae—that is pins and needles at feet
as the doctor explained.
We moved to my mother’s house till we get
this over. My wife resigned her job in the school.
Thanks to Allah I didn’t move to another job; my
work performance plummeted to a trough. I couldn’t
work for more than 8 hours daily. That was the legal
duration of work as stipulated by the law, although
the company resented that. They threatened to fire
me, as if I could feel any more pain! Not only that,
at lunch time, I stopped working. I was going to the
car and sleeping in the back seat. That was helping
me to stay awake for the rest of the day and most
of the night as well to help my wife.
With the new situation of my wife not working,
I was going to face a steep financial burden, but she
160 Love Makes Miracles
was not oblivious about it and she begged me to
accept spending her savings in the bank account.
My wife’s sickness lasted for three months,
then it began to ease out and she was able to do
simple and light activities like watching TV and
eating a bit normally. She was able to have
conversations and sleep better. For me, it felt like
getting to heaven compared to the first three
months. We were eagerly awaiting a wonderful
newborn.
In the seventh month of her pregnancy, my
wife’s condition improved a lot and we moved back
home. My sister was passing by every day to help
taking care of the home.
# # # # #
The moon was full and the breeze was
refreshing. I raised the blinds of the bedroom,
opened the windows, and switched off the lights.
The serenity of the ambience was overwhelming.
My wife was sleeping, and I was sitting beside
her savoring this wonderful and quite room. I let
loose my thoughts and went into a trance. After a
while, an idea flashed in my mind; I have not been
listening to the songs since I got married, I almost
forgot it. This formidable problem that defied my
efforts for a long time just vanished. How did that
happen? I was thrilled to be free of my attachment,
161 Love Makes Miracles
but I still wanted to understand what really
happened. My heart told me I was about to unmask
yet another of the mysteries of this universe. I knew
I won’t get anywhere with this turbulence in my
mind, so I started to take deep breaths and relax. I
dived within, and went back in memory to the day I
got married.
Yes. That must be it. Love; it must be the love
my wife filled my in. Her love made me lose my
appetite to the songs because she distasted it, like
she distasted all the other forbidden things.
But why wasn’t my love to Allah enough to
make me distaste songs; I love Allah more than
anything else. Is it because Allah is not a material
being? Is it that I grasp His love at the intellectual
level only, while, since my wife is a material being, I
feel her love in my heart? Perhaps, someday I will
come across a psychologist who could figure it out
for me. All I know for now is that my love for my
wife not only enabled me to abandon hearing songs,
but it made me more innocent and good, as if I
absorbed her traits.
Is that why Allah directed us to love the
Prophet and His Family? Is that why we should love
good people. In the Quran, out of the many verses
that stressed that the Prophet does not want any
reward from us for him, only one verse made an
exception; the verse says that loving the family of
the Prophet is the reward we pay for the Prophet "I
162 Love Makes Miracles
do not ask you for this message any payment [but]
only love of kinship."
I got up and sneaked to the room where I
keep the library and took the book of word indexing
of Quran. I went back to the bedroom and checked,
using a small lantern, the verses of Quran that
talked about the reward of the Prophet people must
provide. I was astonished with what I found.
One verse said ‘And I do not ask you for it
any payment. My payment is only from the Lord
of the worlds,’ only one verse specified the reward,
the one that demanded the love for the kinship, but
why? I found another verse answering this. ‘Say, "I
do not ask of you for it any payment - only that
whoever wills might take to his Lord a way.’ So,
the love of the Prophet’s family takes us on a way to
Allah, for our own happiness. I felt a chill in my
body and my eyes welled up in tears in awe and
reverence.
I remembered my last discussion with uncle
Issa, and what he said about how our ability to gain
humanitarian values requires the presence of three
elements—first, the desire; second, the
psychological nature of one to gain the values; and
third, practice. I tried to forget for a moment all my
preconceived feelings and concepts about the family
of the Prophet and look with a fresh perspective at
them in view of the new light shed by these verses.
I recalled the saying of the Prophet about his family,
163 Love Makes Miracles
the one that is quoted in the books of all schools in
Islam, repeatedly; "I am leaving among you, that
which if you hold fast to them, you shall not be
misguided after me. One of them is greater than
the other: The book of Allah is a rope extended
from the sky to the earth, and my family, the
people of my house (Ahlil Bait), and they shall not
split until they meet me at the hawd, so look at
how you deal with them after me."
I am fully aware of the greatness of Quran—it
is the book of Allah, and Islam is in it from cover to
cover; but what is the role of Ahlil Bait—the family
of the Prophet, which made them the counterpart of
Quran and which necessitated their love and
following them.
I don’t know how long was it while I was
contemplating this matter, but I heard Azan—the
call for the prayer. I startled and leapt to shut down
the window lest my wife wakes up, but she already
wok up.
“Honey, why are you still awake?”
“I will pray and get to sleep.”
“Ok, wake me up when you are done, so I can
pray.”
“You know what, I discovered a great…” never
mind, she were sleep again.
# # # # #
164 Love Makes Miracles
In the morning, I was very eager to tell my
wife about my mental discovery last night, but we
were in rush to reach uncle Issa’s farm before
lunch.
On the way, she asked me about the thing I
am trying to tell her since morning.
“I figured out few great ideas about Islam and
Allah’s grace on us.”
“Ah huh!”
“Tell me, why did Allah create us?”
“We have been through this before; you told
me Allah created us to strengthen our bondage with
Him.”
“And what would be the Sharia’s—the Islamic
legislations role in this?”
“Why don’t you get into the subject directly?”
“humor me for a minute.”
“Islamic legislations or Sharia is the guidance
for our path to Allah; the dos and don’ts.’
“And how do we get the Sharia?”
“From Quran and Sacred Quotes of the Prophet
and his family.”
“So, how do we implement Sharia?”
“By practice.”
“What if it was difficult to do that?”
165 Love Makes Miracles
“Use your willpower.”
“What if my willpower was not sufficient
enough?”
“Then, you are in a big trouble.”
“Tell me, what if the guidance of the Sharia
was transformed from written words to a theatrical
play or a movie that embodies these values and
instructions? Will this make it any easier to you to
follow it?”
“Of course it will, to a large extent.”
“Ok honey, this is one of the main roles of the
Prophet and his family; to be live examples of this
guidance and mission of Islam in daily life.”
“Great.”
“And this is why Ahil Bait—the family of the
prophet, deserved to be the counterpart of Quran.”
“Honey, this is a great discovery.”
“Not only that. I just asked you, what if my
willpower was not sufficient to follow the Sharia.”
“And I answered you that you will be in big
trouble.”
“There is a mechanism that supplements the
effects of my willpower, and facilitates the matter to
me, helping me to root these values in my psyche
effortlessly.”
“No way; you must strive.”
166 Love Makes Miracles
“Of course we must exert an effort. I didn’t
mean that things are done without effort at all. I
mean something will help us do less and get more.”
“That would be magic.”
“This is as real as you and me. You remember
last week we talked about the three elements that
help us gain new attributes?”
“Yes and I liked the idea.”
“I know you like the motivational books. Did
you read “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective
People” for Stephen Covey?”
“Twice.”
“I didn’t read it yet, but my uncle quoted for
me one paragraph of the book and I liked so much
that I memorized it.”
“What was that?”
“He said ‘If we want to make relatively minor
changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately
focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want
to make significant, quantum change, we need to
work on our basic paradigms.’”
“I remember something like that, yes.”
“So, if there is a mechanism that could change
our fundamental mental paradigms to something
full of Islamic values and concepts, with all the
beauty it embodies, then we would require very
167 Love Makes Miracles
much less efforts in our behavior modification,
wouldn’t we?”
“Yes indeed, but what would that mechanism
be?”
“Love, honey, love.”
“You said love?”
“Yes, love.”
“Are you watching too many Indian drama
without me knowing?”
“No, seriously, the theory behind it is like this.
We agreed that the Imams (21) are the real-life
embodiment of the divine attributes called upon by
Islam.”
“No doubt in that. Allah referred to them in
Quran as in ‘Allah intends only to remove from you
the impurity [of sin], O people of the [Prophet's]
household, and to purify you with [extensive]
purification.’ “
“This makes people naturally love and adore
them and get attached to them, for what they see in
them of attributes loved by psyches and minds.”
“I agree.”
21 In the Shi'a context, Imam refers to leaders of the community. Twelver Shi'a believe that these imams are chosen by God to be perfect examples for the faithful and to lead all humanity in all aspects of life. They also believe that all the imams chosen are infallible and impeccable which is called ismah. These leaders must be followed since they are appointed by Allah [Translator: adapted from the English Wikipedia site on 16/4/13.]
168 Love Makes Miracles
“All what Islam did in this regard is to
emphasize on loving them and rooted that in our
beings. Loving them was regarded as the reward we
pay to the Prophet for his good work on us. We are
rewarded for loving them. Al Tirmithi, one of the
known books for the prophetic quotes and sayings
mentioned that ‘Prophet took on the hands of
Hassan and Hussain and said: that who loves me
and loved these two, and their father and mother,
shall be with me in my grade at the Day of
Judgment.’ “
“I don’t think there would be any Muslim who
would disagree with that, but is love not useless if
we don’t follow their example and do as they did?”
“That is the secret. Loving them makes us love
their attributes.”
“Yes. That would be only one element of the
three we need for behavior modification.”
“But it is not all; our interaction with Ahlil Bait
in their stances, and their fierce defense of the
values and concepts of Islam, and their embodiment
of it in their lives despite all the suffering and
sacrifices they made results in deepening these
roots in our psyches, which is element number two.”
“Wow, I am touched. So by interaction with
Ahlil Bait and their lives makes its works in us
unconsciously.”
169 Love Makes Miracles
“Yes it does. The Prophet said ‘That who loves
someone, will be resurrected with them [at the day
of judgment], and that who loves the deeds of
someone, will share them in its reward [or
punishment]’
“But I don’t want you to think that the love of
Ahlil Bait is just means to the end of behavior
modification, it is required per se.”
“I lost you here.”
“We have to love anyone and anything that
has ties to Allah or any of His prophets. This is one
of the ways to get closer to Allah. Take the example
of prayer; it helps us avoid bad deeds, but it is also
required for itself, as it represents worship of Allah.”
“What about the third element—practice and
rehearsal?”
“Humans are inclined to imitate those who
they love and follow their example. Islam stressed
on this in many verses like ‘There has certainly
been for you in the Messenger of Allah an
excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in
Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah
often [33:21].’ ”
“In that case, the more one follows them, the
more the divine values and attributes are rooted in
him.”
“On the other hand, if someone was overtaken
by his earthly whims and urges and was a captive to
170 Love Makes Miracles
his self, and not to the love of Ahlil Bait, then this
would be one of the obstacles to him from gaining
the divine value and attributes. With time, it will
gain further rooting in him and will have nothing but
the name of being a follower of Ahlil Bait.”
“Allah is great.”
“Do you know that loving Ahlil Bait is not the
only mechanism Allah gave us to ingrain the divine
values in us? There is another mechanism to that
end also, and it integrates with the love of Ahlil Bait.
None of the two can do without the other.”
“Yah? Tell me. Seems I am rediscovering
Islam.”
“We are about to reach the farm. Why don’t
we pick it up later on our way back home?”
‘No, lets us park here for a while and finish it.’
“Alright.”
I parked the car at the side of the entrance.
“The other mechanism is the collection of
practices of worship including the prayer, reciting
Quran, pilgrimage and other rituals of worship that
Islam stressed on.”
“I don’t doubt the importance of worshiping
practices, but how do they ingrain the divine value
in us unconsciously?”
171 Love Makes Miracles
“In two ways: first, they deepen in us the
sense of bondage to Allah, which makes us desire
His attributes and our psyches become clearer and
more beautiful and less prone to earthly whims.”
“Probably that is what is meant in the verse
‘and establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibits
immorality and wrongdoing.’”
“Indeed. Also, we find in Sahih Muslim, that
the prophet said ‘The five [daily] prayers are like a
running stream of a river on the doorstep of yours;
cleansing you five times daily.’”
“and what is the second way?”
“Acts of worship cover most of our times
throughout the day and the year, and we come
across various visual, auditory, physical, spiritual,
and mental activities and emotions like love, awe,
fear, hope, and mercy. These acts and worships
embody the divine concepts and values and our
interaction with it works to permeate us with these
values.”
“Of course this depends on how much we
interact with these rituals, and how much heart we
put in doing it.”
“Sure it does; the third element—the practice
and rehearsal remains important in behavior
modification and in permeating with these values.
Quran also stressed on the element of “intent” of
any act of worship. ‘Their meat will not reach
172 Love Makes Miracles
Allah, nor will their blood, but what reaches Him
is piety from you.’
“Ok, so Allah created two mechanisms that
work in ingraining the divine values and attributes
in us unconsciously as well as three elements: the
mind, the willpower, and the fitra.”
“What bothers me is that despite all these
endowments that Allah gave us, we still dare to
commit sins.”
“Not just these endowments, Allah made the
whole heavens and earth subservient to us, and to
prepare us to the higher status he intended for us,
the status that none of the angels could have.
Quran said ‘And He has subjected to you whatever
is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth - all
from Him. Indeed in that are signs for a people
who give thought?’ Even the angels are made to
serve humans to reach their potential status in
bondage to Allah. You recall that Allah made angels
kneel to Adam. Quran described this in the verse
‘when your Lord said to the angels, "Indeed, I am
going to create a human being from clay, So when
I have proportioned him and breathed into him of
My [created] soul, then fall down to him in
prostration, So the angels prostrated - all of them
entirely Except Iblees; he was arrogant and
became among the disbelievers.’”
“But then, how could satan, after all this help
from Allah, control the majority of people and
173 Love Makes Miracles
interfere with the purpose of Allah in creating
humans?”
“Who said Satan controls the majority of
people?”
“It is mentioned in Quran ‘[Satan] said, "My
Lord, because You have put me in error, I will
surely make [disobedience] attractive to them on
earth, and I will mislead them all, Except, among
them, Your chosen servants.’”
“Yes, that was what satan wished for, and
imagined he could do, but Allah falsified his claim
‘[Allah] said, "This is a path [of return] to Me [that
is] straight, Indeed, My servants - no authority will
you have over them, except those who follow you
of the deviators,’”
Allah replied to satan that he [satan] has no
power over humans, and that is the rule. His power
is applicable only and exceptionally to those who
willfully choose to follow him, and these are the
ones whose bad deeds take over them, and are
truly called, deviators.
“Where do you get these nice ideas from?”
“These are not my ideas; I just read them
from the books of religious scholars. Shall we get
into the farm? We are late.”
“Yes, I feel tired; let’s get in.”
174 Love Makes Miracles
At that moment, a great idea flashed in my
mind, so I stopped the car and faced my wife. I
seemed to be very thrilled with the discovery.
“You know what? Not only that satan could not
interfere with Allah’s purpose of creation of the
universe, he, in fact, plays a role in the realization
of the purpose of creation. Yes, that makes sense.”
“I am not following.”
“Satan’s presence, and his evil attempts to
deviate people from the path of Allah makes bigger
number of people better than they would be
otherwise. His attempts to ruin the life of people
stimulate them and move their minds and will to
defend themselves and get even better. The result
is that bigger numbers of people get in heaven, and
bigger number get to reach higher levels of
integration. It is much like the vaccination of
children. We give them a weak bug and train their
immune system to fight infection.”
“But we find that many people sin.”
“That is right; much like the few symptoms we
get after vaccinations like fever, but that is only
because their bodies fight back the bug. The same
applies to fighting the temptations presented by
Satan to us. We used to judge people in a narrow
perspective; when we find someone committing a
sin, we immediately consider him a very bad person
and taken over by Satan, but we overlook all his
175 Love Makes Miracles
other good deeds and his successes in resisting
Satans seductions, which are much more than his
sins. We ignore the efforts he makes in his school or
college, or his work to provide for his family, or his
community services, or his kindness to people. All of
these, Satan wishes if not were done at all. When
we look at a master piece of art, and find a small
blemish, we should not judge the whole work as
hideous.”
“I very much like to discuss this further, but I
am exhausted. Can we pick this up later?”
“Yes, we can.”
# # # # #
I was sitting in the room of the director of HR,
and despite the apparent calm on my face, my heart
was frantically pounding; my insides were in
turmoil; and my hands were restless. I was waiting
for the director to come to sign on my new job
contract in a semi-governmental corporation that
was recently established. I applied for the job of
Director of Financial Affairs with a monthly salary of
3160 rials. I was to be trained for the first two years
to get promoted to a CFO, and to work after the
three-month’ notice period I have to give for my old
auditing company. I completed the two years that I
strived so long for, and it was the job I didn’t even
dream of. In fact, this was not the issue stressing
176 Love Makes Miracles
me right now, but I just left my wife in the delivery
suit in the hospital waiting for the baby that we
endured so much for. Sara felt labor pains last night
and I took her to hospital, and stayed all night
beside her. In the morning, I called my mother and
Sara’s sister to tell them. I was concerned on my
wife and the baby.
The director finally showed up. He greeted me
with a cold smile. He took his seat and sipped his
tea, and then he told me that the board of directors
appointed someone else in the job.
I felt like a bolt of lightning hit me; I froze in
my place. Before I realize what was happening, my
phone rang and it was my mother crying and in
panic. The baby died, and my wife was in serious
condition. I didn’t know what to say, the world
started spinning around me; the left side of my
body went numb; I dropped the phone, and passed
out in the room of the director.
I woke up. It was a bad dream. Sara was
sleeping beside me, peacefully. Nabil, my son, was
in his cradle on my right. He was sleeping like his
mother. Thank God, everything was fine.
I got up of the bed and went to wash. I had
ablution, and prayed in the middle of night, then sat
in the balcony thinking.
Today, I was completing the two years in the
company. I also had been looking for a job
177 Love Makes Miracles
elsewhere for the past three months. I applied for
over two hundred posts, to no avail.
I don’t get it. How could I have so much of
experience and qualification, and not be hired.
Someone told me I was cursed, and someone else
said it is the jinn, yet a third one said it must be the
director of finance in my old company, chasing me
to ruin my life. I believe it was none of that. It was
my reputation preceding me everywhere. I worked
in two jobs, in both of which I had troubles and was
asked to resign and in both I showed resistance.
Personally, I wouldn’t hire someone with that
reputation. Now what? I had no job I did not apply
for. O’ Lord, help me, I feel helpless.
To be continued
