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TTHHEE WWIICCKKEEDD WWIITTCCHH OOFF TTHHEE WWEESSTT
RRiiddeess aaggaaiinn
TTHHEE WWIICCKKEEDD WWIITTCCHH OOFF TTHHEE WWEESSTT
RRiiddeess aaggaaiinn
DDAARRRRIINN MMAASSOONN
PPHHIILLAANNTTHHRRIIUUMM PPRREESSSS
Copyright © 2013 Darrin Mason
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
transmitted in any form by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise,
without the prior permission of the publisher, except as provided by copyright law.
Published worldwide by Philanthrium Press.
www.amazon.com/author/darrinjmason
CCHHAAPPTTEERR OONNEE
The Wicked Witch of the West stood in front of the Great and Powerful
Ozzie Was- born- with- the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth. Smoke
billowed into the air around him. “What do you want?” he said in a loud
voice that echoed around the Aunt Esmeralda City.
The Wicked Witch bowed to the Great man. “I want the chance to
redeem myself,” she said, “O Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with-
the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth.”
More smoke billowed into the air.
“Rise, Wicked Witch,” the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with-
the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth said. The Wicked Witch rose. The
Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with- the- head- of- a- bat- in- his-
mouth continued, “I will give you your chance. But first you must answer
these questions three.”
The Wicked Witch turned her ear to the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was-
born- with- the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth. “Go on.”
“Question one. What . . . is your favorite color?”
“Green.”
“Correct.”
The Wicked Witch smiled.
“What . . . is your quest?”
“To redeem myself in the eyes of my father and my Holy God there goes
the bat you bit the head off.” The Wicked Witch ducked and the bat
whose head the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with- the- head-
of- a- bat- in- his- mouth bit off flew out the window and into the hands
of the Great and Powerful Babe Ruth- from- the- Book- of- Ruth- of- the-
Hebrew- Bible who swung it and - DONK - sent the ball flying over the
fence for a home “Run Forrest Run” all the way to the World Series that
the Yankees won four games to three before being disqualified for
fielding an unregistered pray-er not play-er. Phew and Holeee Shit.
“What . . . is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
A man came running onto the set. He was yelling and waving a handful
of papers in the air. “Stop the damned movie right there. Stop it I say.”
The Wicked Witch and the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with-
the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth turned to the man. “What the fuck is
it?” the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with- the- head- of- a- bat-
in- his- mouth asked.
“I represent the estate of the Sixty Foot Python and It’s Flying Sir
Custard Tart and you, Sir, are violating Law 487 Dash D Part C Plus 324
Equals MCHammer and I demand you cease and desist the making of
this movie right now.”
The Wicked Witch and the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was- born- with-
the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth looked at each other. “What do you
think?” the Wicked Witch asked. The Great and Powerful Ozzie Was-
born- with- the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth replied, “My dear, prove
to me your green is more blue than yellow.”
The Wicked Witch smiled then turned to the man. She pointed a bony
green finger at him and twirled it around. As she twirled it she said,
“Abracadabra Abracadee Give me your-”
KA-BOOM!!!
The smoke cleared and there in all his glory stood the man himself.
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” The Wicked Witch turned to the Great and Powerful
Ozzie Was- born- with- the- head- of- a- bat- in- his- mouth. “Do you
know anything about this shit?”
The Hulkstereo 104.3FM flexed his muscles. “What you gonna do,
Wicked Witch, when Hulkstereo-madness runs wild on you?”
The Wicked Witch turned back to the Hulkstereo 104.3FM. She eyed his
rock solid body that glistened like a diamond in the sun. “You wanna
play do you, Hulkstereo 104.3FM?” She moved slowly to the left then
jumped to the right. She put her hands on her hips. If she’d seen how
Goddam ugly she was she’d get a great big fucking fri-i-i-i-ght. She
conjured a ball of fire in the palm of her hand and threw it at the ground.
A huge plume of thick horrid black smoke rose from the ground and Bret
“The Hit-ma-noggin-against-yours-and-drop-you-like-a-sack-of-fuckin-
potatoes” Heart stepped out of it. The crowd went wild. Half of it
cheered The Hit- ma- noggin- against- yours- and- drop- you- like- a-
sack- of- fuckin- potatoes and the other half jeered him. That’s what he
was to them. A hero or a goddam villain. He grabbed the microphone
from the ring announcer who dropped and rolled out of the ring where
he would be safe and stepped in front of the Hulkstereo 104.3FM. He
poked the Hulkstereo 104.3FM on Facebook and said, “I’m the best
there is, the best there was, and the best there ever William Told- His-
Mother- on- Me- because- I- beat- the- shit- out- of- him- for- the-
apple- on- his- son’s- head. That’s how Capital B Bad I am.”
Just then the Killer- Bees- That- Are- The- Bees- Who- Kill ran into the
arena from the dressing room and down the ramp toward the ring. They
jumped in and started to attack The Hit- ma- noggin- against- yours-
and- drop- you- like- a- sack- of- fuckin- potatoes who turned and tagged
in the Wicked Witch. She climbed through the ropes and she was ready
to rock and whack a rolling pin over the back of their heads. With her
tongue hanging down over her chin she strutted her stuff from one side
of the ring to the other, egging on the crowd, giving them the heave-ho
ho ho the merrio Santa got stuck in the chimney and now he’s dead
because no one knew he was there when they lit the fire the next day.
She whacked the Killer- Bees- That- Are- The- Bees- Who- Kill from
Wednesday to Tuesday and back again and that gave The Hit- ma-
noggin- against- yours- and- drop- you- like- a- sack- of- fuckin-
potatoes time to get out of harm’s way. He rolled out to the apron and
dropped to the floor, hoping to catch his breath. The Hulkstereo
104.3FM grabbed a George “The Animal” Steel Chair whose tongue hung
lower than the Wicked Witch’s and was greener than her skin. The
Hulkstereo 104.3FM whacked the George “The Animal” Steel Chair over
The Hit- ma- noggin- against- yours- and- drop- you- like- a- sack- of-
fuckin- potatoes’ head, cracking it wide open and blood began to bleed.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, the Wicked Witch was taking care of
business. She flung one of the Killer- Bees- That- Are- The- Bees- Who-
Kill into the corner against the turnbuckle and ran in and KA-FUCKING-
BOOM went the Killer- Bee with a knee to the Wicked Witch’s sternum
and down she went, clutching her stomach and not letting go. The Killer-
Bee with a knee to the sternum grabbed her by the hair and dragged her
to her feet. The other Killer- Bee grabbed the Wicked Witch’s arm and
together they flung her against the rope hoping to execute a double-
clothes- line but when she came back she dived through the air and
executed a double- clothes- line of her own then climbed on her broom
and scooted into the air leaving a trail of thick black smoke which filled
the arena and she took off into the Starry Starry Night which is the first
line of a song called Vincent that is equally as well-known by its first line.
It was written by Don McLean in honour of Vincent Van There- Goes-
My- Fucking- Ear- So- Help- Me- God- It- Hurts- Like- Hell who saluted
the Wicked Witch as she flew past him on her way to Kansas where she
would have it out again with Dorothy.
O- 2- B- A- Waaan- Kanoby handed the controls to C- 3- Pee- Ohhhhhh-
My- God- I’ve- Sprung- A- Leak and R- 2- Am- Not and climbed out onto
the wing of the StarFighter. He lined up the Wicked Witch and dived off
the wing, collecting her with a powerful clothes line that near knocked
her into the middle of next month. Punches were thrown and O- 2- B- A-
Waaan- Kanoby applied the Volcano Death Grip, a move made famous
by Dr Spocketti who used it to win many a match against bigger and
better opponents until that infamous winter day on the way to where no
man has gone before when he turned the shower to HOT AS HELL and
cooked himself. Nothing ever goes to waste though and that night the
crew of the Starship Enterprise enjoyed a hearty meal of Spocketti
bolognaise.
One. Two. The Wicked Witch broke the Volcano Death Grip. Oh sooooo
close to three. She turned the tables on O- 2- B- A- Waaan- Kanoby,
applying a sleeper hold on him. C- 3- Pee- Ohhhhhh- My- God- I’ve-
Sprung- A- Leak and R- 2- Am- Not climbed out of the StarFighter they
were flying and jumped onto the Wicked Witch’s back, trying hard to
break the sleeper hold she had on O- 2- B- A- Waaan- Kanoby. Out of
nowhere the Starship Enterprise came into view. Captain Cucumber
turned to Scooter. “Beam me down, Scooter.” Scooter flicked a switch
and Captain Cucumber was transported to where the Wicked Witch was
about to put O- 2- B- A- Waaan- Kanoby to sleep with the sleeper hold.
He pushed C- 3- Pee- Ohhhhhh- My- God- I’ve- Sprung- A- Leak and R-
2- Am- Not out of the way and grabbed the Wicked Witch. He tossed her
across the ring into the waiting arms of Space In- Vader. He butted her
head with his helmet. The Wicked Witch crashed to the ground. Space
In- Vader tagged Captain Cucumber into the ring. The Wicked Witch
smacked him right between the legs. Captain Cucumber fell to his knees,
holding his cucumber. The Wicked Witch crawled to the other side of the
ring where Maid Marion was waiting to be tagged in. The Wicked Witch
tagged her and in she came, heavily armed with some rags and several
bottles of Mr Sheen. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s true. It’s going to
happen. Maid Marion is going to . . . CLEAN HOUSE!!! FUCK
YEAHHH!!!
The Wicked Witch took off again on her broom, heading for Kansas,
hoping for a piece of Dorothy Gale. In fact, not just hoping for it, but
demanding it. And not just from herself, but from me, the writer of this
crazy-ass shit.
EENNDD OOFF SSAAMMPPLLEE
AABBOOUUTT TTHHEE AAUUTTHHOORR
Darrin Mason has worked much of his
adult life as a freelance cartoonist (he is an
Australian Cartoon Award winner)
whose work has appeared in a number of
Australian newspapers and magazines
(People magazine and The Truth
newspaper to name but two) and as a
producer at 4BC radio in Brisbane,
Australia. Throughout his life, he has had
the good fortune of meeting and picking the brains of such notables as
Vicki Wilson (former Australian netball captain), Patrick McNicholl
(multi-millionaire businessman and television actor), Michael Perlin
(director and producer of the hit metaphysical film 3 Magic Words), and
any number of Australian politicians from both sides of the political
fence. Throughout his career as a cartoonist he also met and studied at
close quarters the works of Gary Clark (Swamp comic strip), Malcolm
McGookin (The Sunday Mail in Brisbane, Australia), and the late
James Kemsley (Ginger Meggs comic strip). In his time as a producer
at 4BC he was fortunate enough to have met and learned from the likes
of Greg Cary (whose Morning radio show is syndicated throughout
Queensland, Australia) and guests too numerous to mention who were
and still are specialists in their fields of endeavour. Most important of
all, he is a fan of Batman (the 1960s TV version, the late 1980s/early
1990s Michael Keaton version, and the Christopher Nolan/Christian
Bale trilogy. You can forget the rest). As the Metallica song goes, nothing
else matters.
You can purchase the full version of
TTHHEE WWIICCKKEEDD WWIITTCCHH OOFF TTHHEE WWEESSTT
RRiiddeess aaggaaiinn
from Darrin’s Amazon author page
www.amazon.com/author/darrinjmason
