Verum , Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issues 40 to 42

Local horse prophet rubbishes Mayan calender prediction

"World will end in June, not December", says Jake

A Dargate horse has caused panic amongst locals by predicting that the world will end in June. Jake, who lives in a stable in Dargate, was featured in Issues 9 and 25 after his innacurate prophesising landed him in trouble. In September, Jake was hauled before the board of animal prophets after failing to predict the Tottenham riots, which he predicted would take place in Yorkletts. He also got the date of the royal wedding wrong, despite it being in all the papers and predicted that a small rubber swimming pool would burst 'somewhere in Asia', three weeks before what turned out to be the Japanese Tsunami.

Despite this, some locals are said to be terrified by his predictions, and speaking from his stable, Jake said "I have seen the end of the world and it comes in April, no, not April, June. I saw it in the shape of one of my turds...".

Jake is remaining tight lipped about exactly how the world will end, but has predicted some events which point the way to Armageddon. Jake claims that between January and June:

Whitstable FC will win the FA Cup

Sweary Seagull will enter politics, with an aim to be Prime Minister by 2015

Harbour Street island will declare itself an independent Sovereign State

Clyde whassisname will be awarded a Michelin star at the Harbour Cafe

Dave Lee Travis will take over as house DJ at the Brewery Bar A local man, possibly called Snatch or Satch, will discover a cure for

clubfootedness

More than 100 saxophonists will turn up at the Deco 5 open mic night and their collective sound will produce a Black Hole

Lisa Stansfield will finally find her baby - in Reculver Whitstable band Natural Selection's ascent will be cut short when Ry

Robson explodes on stage due to ink poisoning

"Mark my words", Jake said "It will be a very interesting year for Whitstable up until August when the world ends. I mean June. Definitely June".

....'ere. You know that Doctor, Dr. Phillips at the Health Centre? Been struck off, he has. Yeah! Sent packing. My sister's boyfriends cousins daughter works as a receptionist there, and she reckons he got the sack for - get this - prescribing bananas as a cure for everything! Yeah! Bananas of all things. Reckons this woman walked in with athlete's foot or bunyons or something, and he recommended rubbing banana pith on her feet. Ironic thing is - it worked! Cleared her bunyons...after a week, but then she slipped and broke her arm. Sued the

doctor, she did. Then everyone came out of the woodwork, didn't they? Woman reckoned that he told her to use a banana for her headaches, had to lie down with a banana skin on her head. Didn't work.....some bloke kept getting nosebleeds, and Dr Phillips said to stick a banana up each nostril....broke his nose in the end....they reckon he's going to fight it though. Got his tribunal at the BMA coming up and they reckon he's not using a medical lawyer, but a gorilla to represent him....You know John Bonham out of Led Zeppelin? They reckon he died of from eating bananas. Loved 'em, he did....ate 36 in one go and exploded from potassium poisoning....you shouldn't eat too many bananas in one go, reckon 5 a day is the safe limit. They said he died from choking on too much alcohol.....but it was bananas. S'true.....you ask Robert Plant next time you see him. Reckon he's moving to Whitstable an' all....got a beach hut on West Beach.....

Sweary Seagull's award for...

'Services to being a complete twat and parking your 4x4 outside Jones' Fish and Chip shop on a busy Saturday afternoon without so much as

putting your hazards on, causing a traffic jam in 2011' goes to.......

THIS TWAT!!

Discarded Barbie......

Happy New Year Barbinos! Well, I was doing really well with my resolutions. No drinking, no drugs, no lard. I was feeling so positive about the year ahead. Woweee!! I just felt that anything could happen. I felt that life was worth living, that all my dreams could come true, just strolling around, enjoying the crisp, fresh January skies feeling that this year was going to be THE year. Maybe even the year that I find like, true love and stuff. Maybe the year when I finally reach my goal weight. Maybe the year I finally work out what that weird smell is on my stairs. What a magical time! Then I came home, put my feet up and put my telly on, only to spend an hour watching Pat Butcher writhing around on her death bed, finally dying with the words ‘I don wanna diiieee . . . I’m scared.’ Oh Pat Butcher,

Do not go gentle into that good night, Rage, rage, against the dying of the light. Sniff . . .sniff . . .laters . . . sniff . . . darlings . . . mwah . . sniff . .. mwaaaaaaah!!

Ask Sweary

Dubious advice from Whitstable's angriest

Seagull

Dear Sweary

My band has booked a venue for a gig, but ticket sales are slow. Any advice?

S. Gadd, London

Sweary Says

Aaaah, you musicians! You're a tricky bunch, aren't you? Honestly, I don't know why you bother sometimes.....here's an old trick - get a 'support' band in who's more popular than you, but stick them on first. Make a big hoo-har about it so everyone comes and hey presto, you'll sell out in no time. Course, with so many musicians to pay (double that if they're session musicians), they'll be fuck all to go round, but you can still boast that you sold out. Simple, mate....

Dear Sweary

I'm lumbered with a huge hairy twat, and it's becoming embarrassing. What can I do?

K. Perry, California

Sweary Says

Have you tried going to a waxing clini....oh! I seeeee! Oh simple, divorce him quickly. No-one likes him and he's as funny as cancer, love. (I thought you were talking about ya ol' girl!)

Dear Sweary

A few months back, I left my old club to join another one and now we've been dumped out of the Champions League but my old club are still in it. Do you think they'll have me back if I ask nicely?

S. Nasri, Manchester

Sweary Says

Sure they will mate. They'll welcome you with open fucking arms in January when Van Persie takes your place....Mind, QPR are looking for a couple of new players.

Dear Sweary

Marvel comics have just released a collection of comics in the newsagents, but the price is £2.99 which is the same as a price of condoms. I'm skint and can't afford both...which should I buy? The comics or the condoms?

D. Nerd, Canterbury

Sweary Says

Mate....anyone who collects Marvel comics isn't going to have much use for a pack of rubber Johnnies, is he? Think about it, mush....

There was a tragic incident this week in a Herne Bay cul-de-sac famous for its annual lighthearted Christmas lights rivalry between householders.

For many years residents of Smeg Street have, when the first Argos Christmas adverts appear sometime around the Summer Solstice, engaged in a competition to see who can cheapen their house the most by decking it with giant inflatable Santas, snowmen and reindeer, ‘Merry Christmas’ ‘neon’ displays and several hundred billion coloured lights from Lidl, Asda and eBay.

For the last few years, Harry and Clarice Jism from number seventeen have been the unofficial winners and have pressed their advantage by leaving it all up throughout the year and adding to it each time with more and more lights and glittery stuff. Matters came to a head one Friday evening last summer when Barney Tossa, number twenty two, challenged Mr Jism as he returned home from the pub, calling him a cheating bastard whose wife was a fat-arsed old boot with syphilis and a face like two pounds of raw tripe. Mr Tossa also ended up in a fist fight with the Jisms’ son, George, whilst walking his dog on the beach. No animals were hurt but Mr Tossa trod on a piece of seaweed and several sandcastles, left over from May

Day Bank Holiday, were damaged in the fracas.

Seven fire engines attended the scene on Saturday (Christmas Eve) night. Chief Fire Officer, Stefan McQueen, said crews spent Christmas Day damping down, drinking sherry and eating mince pies provided by other residents, Alberta Fyver, from number twelve, told our reporter,

“We are so grateful to the firemen for not turning up too quickly because if they had done they might have been able to prevent the pikies’ houses burning down completely. As it is they will now have to piss off somewhere else and we won’t have to put up with this every year. We thought, as Father Christmas won’t be coming now, the lads might as well have the stuff we normally leave out for him as a token of our gratitude”

Neither the Tossas nor the Jisms were available for comment as they were in Whitstable getting rat-arsed with That Pissed Bloke who was so impressed by it all that he broke into several shops so he could nick enough money to treat them all to a night on the lash and a curry.

Channel 5 are reported to have approached the families with a view to making a twenty-four week fly-on-just-about-every-surface docusoap and The Sun is apparently interested in publishing cut-out masks unless Margaret Thatcher snuffs it in the interim.

Report By Andy Sanson – Northern Herne Bay Correspondent.

Herne Bay lights up temporarily after something

interesting happens there.

"The Wind Farm ruined my Christmas...."

Local DJ slams issue 40 for not being funny enough.

A Whitstable DJ has vowed never to read The Wind Farm again after some bad gags made him ill over Christmas. Matthew Field, also known as DJ Shallow, claims that issue 40 was so bad that he put his boot through the laptop screen and immediately shut down his internet connection. He also claims to have thrown his mobile phone against the wall after realising that The Wind Farm could be read there also. Concerned friends visited Field after trying in vain to contact him and described his mood as 'Bleak'.

"He was in a terrible way. He hadn't slept properly for days and was refusing to eat anything", a friend told us. Field's wife has been comforting him through his ordeal and said, "Christmas just wasn't the same this year. Matthew read The Wind Farm first thing Friday morning and said it was piss poor, and he went downhill soon after that. He has been to see a doctor, who recommended plenty of rest and abstaining from reading local on line spoof news blogs. Luckily, I bought him this year's Viz annual and that has managed to take his mind off things a bit".

Matthew, of Harwich Street, told us, "I was reading The Wind Farm and was disappointed with the headline story about the dithering shoppers, The Oyster gag was terrible and I felt quite ill by the time I'd read the rogue chef story. And I didn't laugh at all at Sweary Says....", He said, adding "I felt let down and very angry, especially as I was looking forward to a funny Christmas edition, but I didn't laugh once. It was shit this week, it totally ruined my Christmas and I may even sue TWF for the damage I did to my laptop". A spokesman for The Wind Farm said, "We're very sorry that Matthew's Christmas was ruined by a weak issue, and rest assured we'll try harder to be funnier in the future". If Matthew manages to get back on line, check out his link at http://www.mixcloud.com/djshallow/

Many locals spending New Year in Belgium

Whitstable residents head to Brussels following Wind Farm article.

The Belgian tourist board announced this week that there had been a record number of tourists visiting its capital - with most of them coming from Whitstable. "We noticed a sharp increase in tourists wishing to visit Bruges and Liege and places like that. and most of them came from Whitstable", said Leo Barneveldt, head of Belgian tourist information, "We don't know why we've become so popular, but they are more than welcome", he added.

A survey was commissioned to investigate the renewed interest from Whitstable residents, and many of them said they visited Belgium after reading the Django Reinhardt article in The Wind Farm (See issue Issue 35). Another resident, Adam Goodall of Sunrise Avenue said "Any country that produced Django Reinhardt, Audrey Hepburn and the bloke that invented the racing bike is well worth a visit. The beer's good, too". Arnold Panpipe, of Walmer Road, said "To be

honest, I always thought Belgium was a strip of waste land between France and Holland. But it's a lovely place, we particularly like Bruges and may even move there. I'm looking forward to seeing the new year in there. The beer's good, too". When The Wind Farm explained to Barneveldt that the re-newed interest in his country stemmed from an article claiming that Django Reinhardt was Belgian, he said "Really? I always thought he was French".

Santa Claus to sue Jolly Green Giant over use of 'HO! HO! HO!' catchphrase.

Lawyers representing Santa Claus are to issue an injunction against the Jolly Green Giant over his use of the 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' catchphrase. The move follows letters sent to lapland by children, including Hannah Baker of Pierpoint Road in Whitstable, who were terrified that the Jolly Green Giant would be delivering their presents this year, after his recent re-emergence in TV adverts. Max Baglestone, representing Santa Claus said "We have approached Bird's Eye and asked them to have a word with Mr Green Giant.

We want him to change his catchphrase to "Hee! Hee! Hee!", which retains its jolliness, and is unlikely to be confused with Santa".

In total, Santa received 713,355 letters from children who were concerned that their houses would be destroyed by the 80 foot giant trying to climb down their chimney, with many of them urging him to leave their presents by the front door instead. "The children's concerns are quite valid", Baglestone said, "There probably isn't a chimney in the world big enough to accommodate him and his sack of toys".

Speaking from a field in Minnesota, the Jolly Green Giant said "I have been saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" since 1921, and no-one has complained. If Santa wants to get eggy about this, I'll happily meet him and his reindeer face to face. Who's going to buy Sweetcorn and Peas from a giant that says "Hee! Hee! Hee!"? That just sounds Gay". Green Giant lawyer Helen Batt, said "I don't think this will go to court somehow. Santa Claus doesn't officially exist, except on the side of Coca-Cola lorries. If we have to take Coca Cola on, however, it could get tricky".

Guess what I heard??! Local gossip with That Pissed Bloke From The Albert....

....'ere. Boughton, right? Y'know...between Faversham and Canterbury....you know Dunkirk at the top of the hill? Well, the bird that works in my local reckons it was invented by a Francophile....yeah! Loved France that much that he invented Dunkirk and named it after the other one in France, you know....the one that all the documentaries spell wrong....Dunquerrke, or whatever the fuck it's called...you know, where all the soldiers had to swim away from the Germans.....? Wanted to get the locals to speak French and wear berets and stripy shirts.....Mayor of Canterbury he was, even changed his name to Frank O'Phile.....you want proof? Check out the picture, right....it's a TV mast thing now, but it was

originally going to be a copy of the Eiffel Tower. Dunkirk was originally called 'Upper Boughton', but he re-named it....was going to call it Pariss with two S's....they didn't all swim, mind....everyone sent boats to collect them, reckon his grandad was one of the soldiers, that's why he called it Dunkirk.....closed now, mind. It was actually a tourist attraction in the 60s, people used to climb it and they reckon that on a clear day, you could see the other Dunkirk, the French one....then they invented TV and Canterbury council bought it for £60 and use it as a TV mast. Reckon the scrap metal value is worth ten times that much....reckon they're pull it down and flog it to the pikies when TV goes digital this year....that's what I heard....

The Year in Brief – With Wind Farm correspondent Michelle Deedigan (The fit one in the picture)

In January, Serco was yet again awarded the £3 billion contract to occasionally collect rubbish. Although they didn’t bother, the uncollected waste was gradually kicked and blown seawards, accidentally fortifying our sea defences and culminating in a ceremony attended by the Lord Mayor where it was announced that Whitstable is now twinned with Barking in Essex.

In March, roadworks commenced outside the Duke of Cumberland forcing traffic the wrong way down Harbour Street. Subsequent confusion resulted in pedestrians having to look both ways before crossing the road from the newsagent’s to Dave’s deli and cost each individual an additional 3.5 seconds of their time. After six weeks of inconvenience and a cost of £2 willion, no one noticed any discernible difference prompting local wags to declare that Whitstable was soon to be twinned with the M25. We have their names.

Prime Minister David Cameron visited Whitstable Harbour in June. His initial schedule allowed for a trip on the Greta to visit the wind farms, although inclement weather and a complete lack of interest resulted in him merely waving at them and nodding sagely, while eating two-day old whelks. He

wasn’t even going to bother with the whelks until someone pointed out that Blair partook of cockles on his visit, so Cameron duly upped his game.

July saw the release of The Wind Farm Tourist Video. It was met with universal acclaim, but was also severely slagged off after it emerged that the maker wasn't born and bred in Whitstable - but came from Faversham! The Wind Farm received some nasty messages from incensed viewers and a spoof video was knocked up in a couple of hours. Video director Noogy Fisher said "I was terribly upset and immediately burnt all of my film making equipment

when I realised I had upset people". Fisher is expected to stop crying around Springtime.

In August, there were unconfirmed reports of Fay Ripley walking her dog on the seafront. Local publican Darren

Wilton of the Old Neptune confirmed that business was up by four Cold Feet fans that month so the lure of celebrity is still proving irresistible to tourists. The Duke of Cumberland changed hands in September prompting outrage among locals who sported placards saying ‘Down with this sort of thing’ in protest at the anticipated levels of merriment and all-round enjoyment a nice pub with a good atmosphere would attract.

The last few months of 2011 were filled with pub quizzes and curry nights at the Wetherspoons until the weather got a bit shit and everyone stayed in.

East Kent traders report record

number of shoppers saying "Hmmm...I may pop back

later"

Stores staying open late for procrastinating public Shops throughout East Kent have

been staying open late to

accommodate customers who claim they 'may come back later'

for their Christmas gift. With

Christmas only a few days away,

and shopkeepers reporting slow

sales, traders are staying open

beyond midnight in the hope that customers who didn't buy

anything the first time round will

return and buy the thing they

said they may come back for.

Edward Windwood, of the EKTA

(East Kent Traders Association), said "There has been a 60%

increase in shoppers saying they

might pop back later, but sadly

not many of them do. It has been

estimated that £1m has been lost

in sales by shoppers failing to make good on their pledge to

return".

One trader, who asked to remain

nameless, said "I'm getting sick

of them now, there are more of

them than people who actually

put their hand's in their pocket

and buy something. I actually

hate them".

Another trader stayed open 'til 2am after deciding to wait for the

customers who said they would

return, "What a fucking waste of

time THAT was", said gift shop

owner Jemima Puddleduck-

Denby, "I had 17 customers come in my shop and say that they'd

come back later, but I waited til

2am in the freezing cold and none

of them turned up. It's so rude -

you wouldn't walk into a pub and

look at all the drinks on offer and then say, 'I may come back later',

would you? I could've been at

home watching Downton Abbey".

It seems, however, that the local

pubs are suffering also despite

Jemima's claims. Barmaid Helen Croucher, who works at the

popular Pearson's pub said,

"There have been a few people

wandering in, looking at the wine

on offer and saying that they may

come back later, but never do.

Lord knows where they all come from".

Chaos as coach sheds

load of Nicholas Cage impersonators

Thanet Way closed as Cage fans rounded up.

A stretch of the Thanet Way was closed on Thursday after a coach load of

Nicholas Cage impersonators overturned, shedding it's load. The accident

happened between Herne Bay and Reculver and emergency services

spent two hours rounding the passengers up. A spokesman for Whitstable police said, "It was

chaos. Many had escaped to nearby fields and

had to be 'kettled' by specially trained officers".

Sgt Harold Par-Boil said, "They were a tricky

bunch. We'd manage to corner one and he'd

appear placid at first. Then he'd launch into a bulgy eyed- rage and start fighting us. A few of

them had to be tazered".

Par-Boil's report also stated that one of his

officers was injured by a Cage impersonator

wearing a snakeskin jacket and doing a

dangerous dance whilst shouting "Lullaaaaa!".

Another was pepper- sprayed after attempting to bite an officer's neck.

The rounding- up operation lasted for two hours, but officers admitted

that one has yet to be found and has probably escaped for good. Sgt Par-

Boil issued a warning to the public, saying "Nicholas Cage impersonators

should not be approached. If you see him, please call the Police on

Whitstable 999". There have been various sightings, however, with a local primary school

teacher reporting that a stranger had visited their school asking for help

in looking for a missing schoolgirl, whilst doing a 'Terrible Edward

Woodward impersonation'. And a local gangster claims that he was

approached by a well- dressed man claiming to be an international arms

dealer.

Discarded Barbie Diary

Friday 16th – Friday 23rd December Chrismas time missel toes and winess, Chiiilren sinning chrissstian rimes wiv logs on me fii yurr and giffs on me trees, time to relaaax in tha joy tha it brrrrins! Oh my it’s nearly HIC chrisssmass. Yaayyy! MWARRRP! Whoopsie, HIC. Serioslee though sweethearts, this is a special time of yeeare HIC coz iss chrissmass. Cliff Reashard is soooo deep innee? HIC Did you know thaa aa the supermarkets the bottles of wine that are harrf price now there are so many? Very speshull time. I’ve been doin the rouns y’know darlings, catching up wiv me frens, deliverin me cards and HIC carn wait for chrissmass day. I don need a man jus coz ish chrismass. I can make it on me own. I’m FINE honestly. I’M FINE. I’M FIIINE. I’M FFFIINNNNEEE. MWAAAARPRGHRGH!!

Ask Sweary

Dubious counsel with Whitstable's

angriest Gull...

Dear Sweary

I'm all for our saviour returning in 2012, but is it really true that when he comes back he'll be singing that dreadful Chris De Burgh song? If this is true, I may have to abandon my faith.... R. Carey, Canterbury

Sweary Says

Mate, in the unlikely event of this happening, I suspect that our lord and saviour would not be playing anything by Chris De Burgh. I reckon he's a big fan of KISS and possibly, Billy Jo Spears.....relax mate, even a vengeful God wouldn't inflict Chris De Burgh on the world.

Dear Sweary

I fancy the tattooed woman that sings the lead vocal with the military wives....with her ol' man away in Afghanistan, any chance you can pass my number on to her? Thanks Sweary

J. Terry, Kensington

Sweary Says

I must admit, I hated that song at first...still do in fact, but I have a soft spot for Gareth Malone and everything he's done for music. Anyway, I gave your number to her husband as he's back from Afghanistan for Christmas.

You can expect a visit from him and a few of his mates any day now. Meeeeeeh! Meh! Meh!

Dear Sweary

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Turns out that it was a puppy. They were terribly upset and I don't know what to get them for Christmas now. Any suggestions? M. Smith, Dover Sweary Says Get them pissed, they'll soon forget about it. And if they're pissed enough on Christmas day, they'll eat their brussell sprouts an' all....best advice I can give you mate. Dear Sweary I know for a fact that come Christmas day, I will get pissed by lunchtime, have a row with the wife about the cheap presents I bought the kids from George's Mini Market, and will call the mother-in-law a fucking miserable old cunt. I'll be too pissed to carve the turkey and will fall asleep on the sofa during Toy Story and piss myself in front of all of them. Can you recommend a good pub to go and get a Christmas dinner to avoid all this? D. Runkerd, Seasalter Sweary Says The Smack. Hands down, they do the best Christmas dinner anywhere - and they don't charge the earth, neither....

Rogue chef gang

strike again

Bus driver injured after falling from Croque En Bouche

A Birchington bus driver was in hospital last night after being attacked by

a gang of desperado chefs. The gang, believed to be the same chefs who

forced a Whitstable man to make a Tarte Tatin last month (See Issue 34),

stormed Henry Dull's bus as he was finishing his shift and demanded he

make a twenty foot high Croque En Bouche.

Speaking from Kent and Canterbury Hospital, Dull told The Wind Farm, "There were four of them and they hi-jacked my bus, forcing me to drive

down a country road. When we stopped, one of them shined a torch in my

face and handed me a recipe for a Croque En Bouche. I didn't have a clue

what they were on about, I can do croquet potatoes, but not this".

Dull claims that the chefs, who were all

wearing Jamie Oliver masks, demanded he make the tricky French dessert by Saturday

as it was needed for a wedding. "They meant

business", Dull said, "One of them held a

creme brulee blowtorch at my feet and

threatened to melt my shoes if I didn't do it".

Dull says he spent the next three days constructing the 20 foot high pastry dish,

even phoning in sick at work. "I was terrified of what they might do".

But disaster struck when Dull attempted to pour melted chocolate over

the summit of the Croque en bouche, as he explained. "I'd nailed it, but

when I climbed the stepladder to pour the chocolate on, I slipped and fell,

destroying it and breaking my arm in the process". Fearing the worst, Dull called the emergency services and was given a police escort to KCH,

where he is currently under 24 hour guard.

DC Frank Fricasse of Canterbury Police said, "We have him under guard in

case the chefs make good with their threats and are investigating all local

weddings where such an ostentatious dish may have been in demand. It's

proving difficult, though. Croque En Bouche is a very popular dish these

days".

...'ere, get this right? You know the Castle, right? Where Sweary lives in that tree by the cigarette bin? - Guess who designed it....the castle gardens, that is....not the bin. Eh? Go on, guess.....KIM WILDE! Yeah! Her from Team America......no, Kids.....yeah, she's a gardener these days. Don't see her in the charts these days, do ya? ....anyway, she was given the contract to design the

garden at the castle a coupla years ago. Did most of the work herself, no-one recognised her, bit lardy these days, but still fit. They reckon she built that little bandstand thing herself, you know, where Nigel Hobbins played in April...I like Nigel Hobbins, they reckon he might do an acoustic gig with her soon....anyway, she did most of the work and employed the bass player from her old band to do all the heavy lifting...undercut the other gardeners to get the contract, pissed the local gardeners off no end, apparently. My mate's girlfriends sister works there in the tea rooms, and she got Kim Wilde's autograph when she was on her lunch break....nice woman, apparently. Reckon she's gonna do a kind of horticultural folk version of Kids In America, gonna re-name it Orchids in America, may do a gig at the Brewery Bar.....and get this. Guess who got the contract to clean the moss off the castle walls? That bird that used to sing with All About Eve....you know, Bette Davis wasn't it? Good singer but her career dried up and she went into Moss Removal.....that's what I heard.