Issue #1085 - Weekly issue of Tidbits - Denver Metro Area. The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read
8
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Transcript
Chapter 7 or 13
Bankruptcy
20 years experience | a�ordable | fast | personal service
Call Now For Your FREE Estimate!START WITH AN IDEALET US FINISH IT TODAY!
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Front Page Classifieds
Pottery Barn Style 100% Leather Sofa & LoveseatBrand New. Very nice. Value over $5,500 must sell only $1550. Solid hardwood construction frame with lifetime warranty. Can separate, also has chair and ottoman avail. Can Deliver.
303-758-1312.
$250 NEW KING3 PC PILLOWTOP
Mattress/Foundation w/warranty. Delivery Avail.
Call 303-758-1312
NEW Temperpedic type memory foam mattressSpecial microbial cover w/ warranty. Contours for a bet-ter night’s sleep. Retail $2000.
Asking $599. Can deliver. 303-758-1312 Please call. 100% Leather Sofa
New - never used. In original plastic w/ warranty Sell $395. Delivery Avail. 303-758-1312
QUEEN PILLOWTOPMattress Set. Brand new in plastic. Sell $155. Can
deliver 303-758-1312
MICROFIBER SOFA & LOVESEAT
Brand New! Stain Resistant Life-time Warranty. List $1500 - sell:
$599 Call: 303-758-1312
6 Pc. Bedroom Set: CherryBrand new still in boxes. List $1800. Sell $599. Can deliver.
303-758-1312.
LIONS, TIGERS & BEARS, OH MY!TIDBITS® PRESENTS
FREAKY FAUNA FACTSby Sarah Bates
Purple frogs? Sightless amphibians? Things that go bump in the night? Well, maybe not that, but Tidbits has certainly compiled some interesting facts on some pretty weird animals.
One of •the most endan -g e r e d species in the w o r l d is the Yangtze river dol-phin, locally called the baiji. The dolphin may already be extinct, as a recent sur-vey was unable to locate any dolphins in the river.The olm is a blind amphibian that can live •up to one hundred years. It can go ten years without food and can be found in subterranean waters in Italy and Croatia.The dugong is related to the manatee. •It will perch on its tail in the water and stick its head above – a trait that some researchers believe inspired the myth of mermaids.A giraffe can clean its ears with its •tongue.
turn the page for more!
Issue #1085April 27, 2009
Denver Metro Area Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC FOR ADVERTISING CALL (303) 688-1987 [email protected]
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information.
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Page 2 Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area April 27, 2009
The ivory-billed woodpecker was thought •to be extinct until 2005, when the bird was caught on video in Arkansas.The tiger is the largest member of the •modern cat family.There is a largerAsian freshwater fish,•though scientists fear it might already be extinct. The scaled Chinese Paddlefishcan reach up to 23 ft (7 m), but has not been sighted since 2003.The Giant Squid, with eyes as big as •beach balls, is still one of Earth’s great-est mysteries. Scientists show that the average Giant Squid weighs about 440 lbs (200 kg) and measures 33 ft (10 m) in length. The largest Giant Squid ever found weighed 900 kg, nearly one ton, and was measured at 59 ft (18 m). In 2006, Japa-nese scientists brought a living, female Giant Squid to the surface that measured 24 ft (7 m) long.The Ozark big-eared bat is an endan-•gered species in the Central Southern United States. They are named for their unique ears, which can be over 1/4th the length of their 4 in (10 cm) body.Wildebeest is the Afrikaans name for the •gnu, a member of the antelope family. Gnu calves learn to walk in a matter of minutes and are able to keep up with the heard after a few days.The Amazonian Arapaima is a large, •scaled, freshwater fish that surfaces totake air. It can stay underwater anywhere from ten to twenty minutes at a time and can weigh up to 440 lbs (200 kg).
FREAKY FAUNA FACTS (continued)
A group of geese on the ground is called •a gaggle. A group of geese in the sky is called a skein.Thesailfishisthefastestswimmeratsix-•ty-eight mph (109 km/h).The slowest fish is the seahorse, at .01•mph (.016 km/h). They are also monoga-mous and mate for life.Adèlie penguins can live up to twenty •years.Thekiwiisalsoaflightlessbirdthatmates•for life and has the most developed sense of smell of modern birds.Crocodiles are color blind.•Owls are the only bird with the ability to •see the color blue.Giraffes have no vocal chords.•The Purple Frog is an Indian frog that •wasn’t discovered until 2003 because of a very unique trait. Purple Frogs live thir-teen feet beneath the ground and only come up for two weeks during the mon-soon season to mate – making them very hardtofind!The horn of •a narwhal is actually a tusk. It is rare, but not impos-sible, for a narwhal to have two tusks like an elephant.The solendon is a mammal in Cuba and •Hispaniola that injects venom into its prey through its teeth. It is the only mammal that does so.TheBumblebeeBat issosmall itcanfit•inside a bottle cap.The kakapo, a New Zealand native, aver-•ages at eight pounds and is the heaviest parrot in the world. There are approxi-mately sixty kakapos left in the world to-day.ThefishwiththeglowingantennainFind-•ing Nemo? That’s a female Angler. The male is 1/20th her size and spends his life attached to and slowly fusing with the fe-male.Ahouseflyonlylivesabouttwoweeks!•The heart of a blue while is about the size •of a small car. The echidna and platypus are the only •egg-laying mammals in the world. An egg-laying mammal is called a monotreme.Theduck-billedplatypusisvenomous!•Kangaroos cannot walk backwards.•
A hippopotamus can open its jaw so wide •that an eight year old could stand up in its mouth.A sloth can turn its head 270º.•The Chinese Giant Salamander can grow •tothelengthofanaveragehuman!The Gardiner’s Seychelles frog is the •world’s smallest frog. It measures less than half the length of its name when typed.Elephants cannot jump.•TheMekongGiantCatfish is the largest•scalelessfresh-waterfishintheworld. Itlives in the Mekong river system in Asia, which spans through the countries of Viet-nam, Thailand, Cambodia and Laos. This endangered species can grow up to 650 lbs (295 kg), can live up to sixty years, and can reach up to 10 ft (3 m) long.Armadillo is a Spanish word meaning “lit-•tle armored one.”The ostrich’s eye measures two inches •(fivecentimeters)–thelargestofanylandanimal!While it resembles a small bear, the wol-•verine is actually part of the weasel fam-ily.The Andean condor has a wingspan of •10.5 ft (3.2 m) - the largest of any bird in the world.Anewbornkangaroocanfitinsideatea-•spoon.Wallace’sflying frog isaspecies inMa-•laysia and Borneo that can glide in the air likeaflyingsquirrel.The Blue-footed booby is a type of booby, •a sea bird, with bright blue feet. The bluer the hue, the more attractive the male is to a female, though both sexes have blue feet.Firefliesareactuallybeetles.•Corals are carnivorous. While they can •survive off algae, they are also armed with venomous barbs, which they can use tograbsmallfish.
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area Page 3April 27, 2009
On • April 27, 1865, days after the end of the Civil War, the worst maritime disaster in American history occurs when the steamboat Sultana, carrying 2,100 passengers, explodes and sinks in the Mississippi River, killing all but 400 of those aboard.
On • April 30, 1927, the Federal Industrial Institution for Women, the first women’s federal prison,opens in Alderson, W.Va. All women serving federal sentences of more than a year were to be brought there, with the vast majority imprisoned for drug and alcohol charges imposed during the Prohibition era.
On • May 1, 1931, President Herbert HooverofficiallydedicatesNewYorkCity’s Empire State Building. The entire 102-story building went up in just over a year, under budget (at $40 million) and well ahead of schedule. During certain periods of building, the frame grew an astonishing four-and-a-half stories a week.
On • April 29, 1944, the last “Our Gang” film, “Dancing Romeo,” isreleased.The first film, featuring aband of mischievous youngsters, was produced in 1922. In all, more than 100 “Our Gang” films weremade. Later, they were shown as TV comedies under the name “The Little Rascals.”
On • April 28, 1958, “The Witch Doctor” hits the No. 1 spot on Billboard’s pop charts. The song used the unusual technique of recording the singer’s voice at a different speed than the music. Songwriter and singer Ross Bagdasarian (who recorded under the name David Seville) topped the charts again at the end of the year with “The Chipmunk Song,” sung by his chipper cartoon band creation, the Chipmunks.
On • May 3, 1960, the musical comedy “The Fantasticks” opens in an off-Broadway playhouse in New York’s Greenwich Village. The show, about a young man and woman whose ostensibly feuding parents are actually scheming to bring the couple together, became the longest-running musical of all time and is still running today.
On • May 2, 1972, Steven Spielberg begins filming “Jaws.” Theproduction, which used three mechanical sharks to great effect, enthralled audiences and grossed $458 million in its theatrical release.
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
1. ANCIENT WORLD: Who was the king of Troy during the Trojan War?2. MEDICAL TERMS: What happens during sternutation?3. MOVIES: What movie featured the famous line, “It ain’t gonna be no rematch”?4. LITERATURE: In which of Shakespeare’s plays does the character of Titania appear?5. WEIGHTS AND MEASURES: If a standard quarter weighs .2 ounces, how many quarters would it take to equal 1 pound?6. SCIENCE: What geological process formed the Grand Canyon?7. EXPLORERS: WhowasthefirstEuropean explorer to travel the length of the Mississippi River?8. ENTERTAINERS: In “The Gene Autry Show,” who was Autry’s well-known comic sidekick?9. TELEVISION: What was the name of the chimpanzee on “The Beverly Hillbillies”?10. MUSIC: What kind of instrument is a euphonium?
Answers:1. Priam2. Involuntary sneeze3. “Rocky”4. “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”5. 806. Erosion7. La Salle, in 16828. Pat Buttram9. Cousin Bessie10. Brass instrument that
resembles a small tuba
Quips & Quotes
A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.
— Lucius Annaeus Seneca
A big shot is a little shot that kept shooting.
— Anonymous
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
Page 4 Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area April 27, 2009
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A Modern Take on FlowersBy Beverly Clark
Noweddingiscompletewithoutflowers,andthat can mean anything from a simple daisy bouquet carried by the bride to elaborate centerpieces at every reception table. In whatever way you’re planning to use them, keep these elements in mind in order to complete your wedding look with a dose of floralfreshnessandbeauty:Color: It’soneof thefirst thingsyou thinkofwhen you think of flowers. You can matchthe flowers to your overall wedding colorsor choose something that contrasts. If your color is pale pink, consider more-saturated hues such as fuchsias or roses; vice versa, if your palette is brighter. You could also try varying shades within the same color family for a romantic feel or different colors of the same variety, such as roses. One look that has become fashionable and fresh is a single-bud (rather than multi-varietal) arrangement tied with a simple green or metallic ribbon or raffia.Size:As with jewelry, the flowers you carryshould match your stature. If you’re petite, for example, you might not want an arrangement that features tall irises or sunflowers, evenif they’re your favorite. Use them on tables instead. On the other hand, a bunch of baby’s breath and buttercups does not a bridal bouquetmake. Choose flowers your guestswill be able to see, that will show up well in photos, and that won’t wilt easily.Cost:Blowingyourbudgeton somethingasshort-lived as flowers does not make goodsense. Even if you have your heart set on a roomfilledwith long-stemmed roses, talk toyour florist aboutwhathe/shecandowithinyour budgetary means, whether it’s spending the majority of your allotment on the bouquets and boutonnieres or on the reception, or spreading it throughout. And remember that sometimes less is more.Vases:Here’swhereyoucangetcreative—and budget-conscious, too. Many items that either you already own or that don’t cost much can serve as beautiful vases for centerpieces. Youmightevencomeacrosssomegreatfindsat garage sales, thrift stores, vintage shops or your parents’ attic: light fixtures, servingbowls—even sand pails and lined baskets—could work, depending on how formal your wedding is. Try clustering vases of different heights together to create a visually interesting look.Also consider all of the places you can (but don’tnecessarilyNEEDto)incorporateflowersintoyourwedding,including:
in yourhair, yourbridesmaids’andflower•girl’s hair in corsages for mother of the bride, mother •of the groom, and any other female guests you wish to honorin boutonnieres for the groom and all male •attendants and ushers, as well as father of the bride and/or father of the groomall bouquets being carried•decorating the ceremony area, altar, aisle •runner and entrance to seating/pewsreception table centerpieces including •buffet table (if applicable), dais, individual tables and cake tableon the cake itself•
You can get numerous ideas from wedding magazines and bridal shops, and then be suretotalktoyourfloristabouthowtomakeagorgeousstatementwithflowers.
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To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail [email protected]
EventsMicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips!Visitwww.ChipYourCat.comfordetails.Cinco de Mayo Celebrate Culture Festival - May 9, 2009 - May 10, 2009, SaturdayandSunday10:00am-8:00pm, Civic Center Park, Denver. FREE. Spice up your weekend and head to Civic Center Park for the largest Cinco deMayocelebrationintheUnitedStates!Mexicanculturefillstheparkwithartsand crafts , strolling Mariachi bands, colorfully costumed Aztec dancers, several stages featuring traditional and contemporary Latino entertainment and a varietyofMexicanculinarydelights!www.CincoDeMayoDenver.comBikers Against Diabetes: May 17, 2009; Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1151 S Galena St, Denver. $20 Single/$10 Passenger(includesLunch)BenefitsChildren’s Hospital Diabetes Research. www.EagleRiders3224.com or call (303) 695-0673.Fuel-Fest: June 12, 2009, - June 14, 2009, May Farms, Byers. A bold new Western festival that merges astonishing music and family entertainment with an extraordinary marketplace of clean technologies and educational workshops. A grand new event showcasing Colorado’s national leadership in shaping a new energy future. Presented by May Farms in partnership with:TheUSDepartmentofEnergy’sNational Renewable Energy Laboratory, ColoradoGovernor’sEnergyOfficeandtheColorado Department of Agriculture. Music, workshops, market place and expo, hands-on interactive educational activities for kids -suchaskiteflying-aswellasahealthymix of barnyard fun - hayrides and a petting zoo. For More information - www.Fuel-Fest.org.Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday5:00pm-11:00pm.Saturdy9:00am-11:00pm.Sunday9:00am-10:00pm. www.ParkerOnLine.orgJazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE!ShowTimesToBeAnnounced.Music, Food, Friends and Fun. The festival will showcase multiple performances featuring this year’s brilliant group of JAS Academy artists at a variety of clubs. www.SnowmassVillage.comCoolest Car Show: July4,2009;10:00am-4:00pm.DowntownEstesPark,betweenWest Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FORJUST$10!ProceedsbenefittheEstes Park Museum. The Coolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of thecarsisencouraged!Informationandtoregisteryourcar:www.EstesParkcvb.com
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Free EventsBus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.comChildren’s Museum -FreeadmissionfirstTuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.orgColorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm BroomfieldAuditorium,3CommunityParkRd,303-469-3301x7999www.broomfield.orgDenver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.orgDenver Botanic Gardens-Freeday:FirstFriday of each month, 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.orgDenver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Freedays:Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.orgFirehouse Tales For Tots- DenverFirefightersMuseum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. FirstWednesdayofeachmonth10:00am-10:30am.Ages2-6Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturdayofeverymonth-Admission:1penny1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.orgU.S. Mint-Free:Mon-Fri;8am-3pm;reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov
SportsColorado Rockies - Major League BaseballRockieshostSanDiego;MonApr27,6:40pm,TueApr28,6:40pm,andWedApr29,1:10pmSanFranciscohostsRockies:FriMay1,8:15pm,SatMay2,2:05pm,SunMay3,2:05pmSanDiegohostsRockies:MonMay4,8:05pm,TueMay5,8:05pmRockieshostSanFrancisco:WedMay6,6:40pm,ThuMay7,1:10pmRockieshostFlorida:FriMay8,7:10pm,SatMay9,6:10pm,SunMay10,1:10pmRockieshostHouston:TueMay12,6:40pm,WedMay13,6:40pm,ThuMay14,1:10pmPittsburghhostsRockies:FriMay15,5:05pm,SatMay16,5:05pm,SunMay17,11:35amAtlantahostsRockies:MonMay18,5:00pm,TueMay19,5:00pm,WedMay20,5:00pm,ThuMay21,5:00pmDetroithostsRockies:FriMay22,5:05pm,SatMay23,5:05pm,SunMay24,11:35amRockieshostLosAngeles:MonMay25,1:10pm,TueMay26,6:40pm,WedMay27,1:10pmRockieshostSanDiego:FriMay29,7:10pm,SatMay30,6:10pm,SunMay31,1:10pmHoustonhostsRockies:MonJun1,6:05pm,TueJun2,6:05pm,WedJun3,6:05pm,ThuJun4,6:05pmColorado Rapids - Major League SoccerRapidshostSaltLake:SatMay2,7:30pmN.EnglandhostsRapids:SatMay16,5:30pmRapidshostSeatlle:SatMay23,7:30pmNewYorkhostsRapids:SatMay30,5:30pmSaltLakehostsRapids:SatJun6,8:00pmDenver Outlaws - Major League LacrosseOutlawshostChicago:SatMay16,7:00pmBostonhostsOutlaws:FriMay22,5:30pmOutlawshostWaashington:SatMay30,7pmMachinehostsOutlaws:SunJun7,2:00pmColorado Avalanche - NHLDenver Nuggets - NBAColorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League
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then repacked onto a shipping container to be sent to another warehouse to be unpacked and repacked onto another truck – this is how your boxes and household goods get lost and damaged.Mr. Crespin will pack your goods onto a truck and deliver them directly to their destination–nomiddleman!Are you looking to move an entire household? Get It ‘N’ Go is the job for you! What about your child leaving forschool? Don’t worry about overloading your car – call Get It ‘N’ Go and they will handle that smaller move for you so you can drive your child to school in comfort. Are you buying or selling a piece or suite of furniture and need to move it from one place to another? Get It ‘N’ Go willhandlethatshufflemoveforyou!Noneed to borrow a truck from your friend or rent a truck for the move – call Get It ‘N’ Go and they will pick it up and drop it off for you. Get It ‘N’ Go is licensed, bonded and insured. Your valuables are in good hands and protected. Mr. Crespin offers a few tips for your move, “Be sure to label each box with a key word of phrase that will tell you which room it belongs in at its destination and perhaps what’s in it. As an example, ‘Master Bedroom – Night Stand’. Another thing to remember is to pack fragile items with a cushioning material such as newspaper, Styrofoam peanuts, bubble wrap or even towels. When moving lamps, or anything
else with a light bulb; r e m o v e the light bulb before the move. Wrap and tape cords to the appliance, this not o n l y helps cut down on po ten t ia l damage to the cords but also eliminates tangles if many small appliances are shipped together.”Mr. Crespin also offers another bit of advice for moves, “If you need to disassemble something for a move, place all of the screws, bolts, nuts, etc. into a Ziploc bag. Label the contents and tape it closed. Tape the Ziploc bag to one of the disassembled pieces and when your belongings arrive at their destination, you will have everything in place for the reassembly.Get It ‘N’ Go – YOUR moving, delivery and shuffle specialists, can be reached by calling (720) 447-5862 or by emailing [email protected]
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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area Page 7April 27, 2009
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It was Ludwig Wilhelm Erhard, chancel-•lor of West Germany in the 1960s, who madethefollowingsageobservation:“Acompromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece.”You think you’re a chocolate lover? In •Spain in the 16th century, people loved chocolate so much that it was not uncom-mon for royal families to give cocoa as part of their daughters’ dowry. Chiffon is a perennially fashionable light-•weight sheer fabric used in many beautiful gowns -- you yourself might have worn a chiffon dress to your prom. But you prob-ably didn’t realize that the word “chiffon” is actually French for “rag.”If you’ve ever lived with another person, •whether a sibling, a spouse or a room-mate, it’s almost certain that no matter how good the relationship, there was friction over sharing the bathroom. A few years ago those who study such things decided to conduct a survey to determine what the most annoying bathroom-related habitsare.Theresults:Thehabitthatan-noys people more than any other is fail-ing to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out. Leaving blobs of toothpaste in the sink was a close second.There was once a law in Hawaii that re-•quired anyone not owning a boat to pay afine.Dooley Wilson, the actor who played Sam •the piano player in the Academy Award-winning1942film“Casablanca,”wasac-tually a drummer -- he couldn’t play the piano at all.Talk about being desperate for immortal-•ity:GreekphilosopherEmpedocleswant-ed people to believe that his body had disappeared and he had been turned into a god, so he threw himself into Mt. Etna, an active volcano.
Thought for the Day: “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”
-- Robert Orben
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her hus-band burst into the kitchen. “Careful. CARE-FUL!Putinsomemorebutter!OhmyGOD!You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!Turnthem!TURNTHEMNOW!Weneedmorebutter.OhmyGOD!WHEREarewe going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re goingtoSTICK!Careful.CAREFUL!Isaidbe CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to mewhen you’re cooking! Never! Turn them!Hurryup!AreyouCRAZY?HaveyouLOSTyour mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use thesalt.USETHESALT!THESALT!”Thewife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. “What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong, it’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talk-ing clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup,” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Sud-denly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,“Hey!Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?It’sthree-fifteeninthemorning!”Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec-reation room of the men’s retirement home. Sheholdsher clenched fist in theair andsaucily announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make wild passionate lovetometonight!”Awitty,elderlygentle-man in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tre-mendousfight.However,thethiefmanagedto get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could findonTimwas25cents.Thethief was so surprised at this that he asked Timwhyhehadbotheredtofightsohardfor
25 cents. “Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied. “I thoughtyouwereafter thefivehundreddollarsI’vegotinmyshoe!”Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him, “Tomorrow morning, I expect tofindagiftinthedrivewaythatgoesfrom0 to 200 in seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.” The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in to the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. A burglar burst into a bank and pulled out a gun. He yelled, “If you guys don’t give me all yourmoney, everyonewill bemath!”Abrave man asked, “Don’t you mean, ‘histo-ry’?” The burglar replied, “Don’t change the subject.”
By Samantha Weaver
(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.
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Page 8 Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area April 27, 2009
You Know You’re A Mom When...
Yourfeetsticktothekitchenfloor.....•and you don’t care.When the •kids are fighting,youthreaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.Youcan’tfindyourcordlessphone,so•you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.You spend an entire week wearing •sweats.Your idea of a good day is making it •through without a child leaking bodily fluidsonyou.Popsicle’s become a food staple.•Your favorite television show is a •cartoon.Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least •in one meal a day.You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-•
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boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.Yourbaby’spacifierfallsonthefloor•and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because you’re too busy to wash it off.You’re so desperate for adult •conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangsuponYOU!You sing “Dora Dora Dora the Explorer” •in the shower.Spit is your number one cleaning agent.•In your bathroom there is toothpaste on •thelightfixtures,wateralloverthefloorand a dog drinking out of the toilet.You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.•The closest you get to gourmet cooking •is making Rice Krispie bars.You count the sprinkles on each kid’s •cupcake to make sure they’re equal.You have time to shave only one leg at •a time.You hide in the bathroom to be alone.•Your kid throws up and you catch it.•Someone else’s kid throws up at a •party. You keep eating.Youconsiderfingerpaintstobea•controlled substance.You cling to the high moral ground on •toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.Youhavenoissuewithsniffinganother•person’s butt for a poopie diaper.
