Vassals on the Loose

8/14/2019 Vassals on the Loose

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Vassals on the Loose Or

arbarians and Some WomeAn operetta in a bit more than three acts by William Ramsey and Jakob Hansen

Dramatis Personae

EnglishKing George Smith (fake bass)

Lord John Smith (tenor)Lord Henry Smith (bass)

Lord William Smith (tenor)Lord James Smith (bass)Queen Anne Smith (alto)

Lady Joan Smith (soprano)Lady Elaine Smith (alto)

Lady Gaby Smith (soprano)Lady Jean Smith (alto)

Timothy the Artisan (tenor)

BarbarianDictator Hector Smithader (bass)

Chief Jorok Smithader (bass)Chief Horker Smithader (tenor)Chief Willter Smithader (bass)

Chief Jamter Smithader (tenor)Dictatress Ankeir Smithader (soprano)

Chieftess Jorker Smithader (alto)Chieftess Elak Smithader (alto)

Chieftess Riella Smithader (alto)Chieftess Jeek Smithader (soprano)

Torve the Weaponsmaker (bass)Serf/Slave

Garrett the Garrett (in all acts, in background, optional)

ACT IA village street near King Georges palace

ACT IIA Barbarian campground

ACT IIIA battle eld near the Barbarian campground

CODAA small village near Rouen, France


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ACT I

[Assorted villagers walking by. Vassals are on stage, posing. Enter Timothy Hestares at them, incredulous.]

RECITATIVE Timothy Pray, gentlemen,

who are you?

SONG - VassalsWe enforce our will with spear and sword

And each of us is titled Lord For

We are vassals of our king. And that is why this song we sing.Each of us has our own little town,

And a beautiful wife, dressed in a gown.[Enter wives, they dance around a bit, and exeunt.]

Gaby [to William, singing continues]: What do you mean, GOWN! I haven't had anew gown in so long! I'm almost ashamed to wear my old ones! [She argues withWilliam, tugging him off the stage.]

Our servants and our slaves,Our knights, strong and brave

Fair damsels they do saveHenry [breaking in]: But our king![Enter George, unnoticed]John [to Henry, James is getting ready to stab George]: Yes, our king is one of themost vile, evil [sees George, clears throat] Oh, yes, I was about to say [George turns

around, James throws knife behind him, hitting Serf.] how wonderful our king is.[Enter William. He has obviously been in a fight.]

All:We are vassals of you, king,

Great homage unto you we bring.We're ready to do your every command,

For you are the ruler of all our land.[All bow]

Your taxes we have paid At our homes, you have stayed,

We've done all that you bade.

[spoken] Now what, O king, do you want of us?

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For,We are your vassals, king . . .

George [who has steadily been getting angrier and angrier]: STOP! STOP! YOUKNOW HOW I ABHOR SINGING!James: I am very sorry, king, but that is the one thing that we cannot do. After all,this is an operetta!Timothy: It's true.George: Oh, very well. Just don't sing in front of me.Henry: Now, what?George: I need your knights. All: Our knights?Henry: We already work almost all day for you. Our serfs and slaves are sooverworked they are almost dead! We can't work any harder than we are! Are youinsane?George: But you must! I need an army!Henry: An army of nights?!? Who ever heard of such a thing? I suppose the stars

will be swords, with the moon for a catapult?George: Guards! Take him away![Guards march in, take Henry. Exit George. Henry wrestles the guards off; theother 3 vassals drive them away.]

All:

We are vassals of that king,He's quite an annoying thing.

He always says that stupid word quive George [in background shouting at guards]: Oh, Quive! Where is Lord Henry!?

Always we wish that he wasn't aliveHe burdens us with debts

On our nerves he getsWe're sad his parents met.

We enforce our wills with spear and sword, And each of us is titled Lord

We are vassals of our king!!

Henry [to Timothy]: Who are you, anyways? You just barge in and expect us to singa song just for you without even introducing yourself.

Timothy: I'm Timothy.John: Go on, tell me more. [He lays down, holding his head up with his arm]Timothy: Well, this is the first time I've ever been out of my house.William: Ah! An invalid!

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Timothy: No. My father is very abusive. He would never let me go out. I just barelyescaped.William: Still a bloody invalid!Timothy: NO!

SONG - TimothyMy father married my mother. And then she had my brother.

And then she had another. An another who was me.

CHORUS:For he is an invalid

Timothy [spoken]: NO I'M NOT!CHORUS:

For he IS an invalid!

Timothy :I am an artisan! For I am my father's son.

And my father was an artisan before me! CHORUS:

His father was an artisan before he!

Timothy:My mother sadly, suddenly died

Father grew fat and wideHe turned to beer and wine And took it all out on me.

CHORUS

He married an ugly old hag Always, always she would nag

It made him very madHe began to torture me.

CHORUS

Another artisan aroseOf my father he disposed.

He could not buy his clothesHe stopped giving food to me.

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CHORUS

RECITATIVE TimothyI just escaped today. Already I have seen4 public executions,

3 evil spirits banished,2 epidemics of disease

and a partridge in a pear tree.

Timothy: Oh! And this makes 5 old people who really kind of hate each other, if youcount the King. Now, what are your names?[Each vassal says his full name] Vassals: NO relation!Timothy: What do you mean, no relation? You're all vassals, correct? I mean, yousang a song about it and everything.

William: No, no relation, none whatsoever. We've never met each other; I don'teven know how we managed to sing that song together. [Enter George while he isspeaking.]George: OH QUIVE YOU VASSALS! I NEED MY KNIGHTS!Timothy: I knew it. You are vassals.George: Yes, well, of course they are! They're mine. Now, my vassals. Where are myquiving knights?Henry: And why do you need the nights?George: I told you, I need a quiving army!John: Well this much was figured. But what exactly does a quiving army do?George [Obviously paranoid]: The barbarians are coming! They are coming! Theyare evil. We must protect our women!William: Why, exactly, do we need to protect our women?George: Well I haven't quite thought that through yet, but I think there's somethingabout children and the lack thereof if we don't. And I had a dream where thebarbarians told me to.John: Ahhh . . . that settles it. Well, I'm game.Serf: In that case, I'm afraid I'll have to shoot you.[Serf chases him off stage with bow and arrow]George: Right. . . and what say you, Henry?Henry: [Mumbles something unintelligible]

George: Well, that's two armies.Henry: What? Oh Big D!George [riled up]: Oh, what profanities! I am very offended! [Quickly calms] Onanother course, what about you, William?William: Huh? Were you saying something?

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George: Oh, quive it all!

SONG George[he acts out the events he describes during the song]

Oh quive it all! Oh quive it all! As I walk straight into a wall.

Oh quive that thing! Oh quive that thing! As a bee upon me stings.

Oh what the quive? Oh, what the quive? As someone stabs me with a knife.

CHORUS:Oh, quive it all.

Oh quive that thing.Oh what the quive?

That's what he sings.For he shan't swearOh beware!

Our king always says quive.

George:Oh quive it all! Oh quive it all!

As someone shoots me in the hall.Oh quive that thing! Oh quive that thing!

They all want to kill their king.Oh what the quive? Oh what the quive?

I am no longer alive!

CHORUS:Oh, quive it all.

Oh quive that thing.Oh what the quive?

Our king is dead! Our king is dead!

Too good to be true!

George: It is not. I was merely using it to show in what cases I use the word quive.Merely exaggeration for comic effect. All: Ah, I see, etc . . .George: Now, back to business. Does everyone commit their knights to my army?

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William: We're sorry sir, but they all disappeared. I'm not even sure they everexisted.George: Oh quive! I suppose I'll be going to plan strategy for our paltry forces.[Exit George] All: OH BIG BIG D!John: Strategy? Him? Someone go save us!Timothy: Ill save you! Vassals: Oh shut up!Timothy: Whoa! I didnt expect a Smith brother yell.John: Were not brothers!

SONG - TimothyEvery time I ask your name

You always answer Smith, with no relationNo relation

I never thought Id be in such A very odd and different occasionOdd occasion

Ill never understand the wayYou all can stand and say

Youre not related!

John:Why do you not understand

That we are all bloody English Bloody English

Because of this applianceOur last names are all Smith

Are all SmithOur progenitors were blacksmiths

Their name wasTheir occupation.

James: What did you have to do that for? We already knew that.Timothy: But I did not!John: We dont care. You are a simple invalid, excuse me, artisan .

James: All in all, that song was pointless.John: Yes.Henry: But he does have a point. Our last names are all Smith.William: Yes.John: But we dont care about him. He's just an invalid.

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James: Yes.William: Well I do!Henry: Yes.James: No, you dontJohn: Yes.Henry: Oh yes we do!William: Yes.John: I hate you.James: Yes.William: Well, I hate you too.Henry: Yes.[Enter Gaby]William [to Gaby]: I hate everyone!Gaby [shocked]: Yes.[Enter all wives]William: Yes! I hate everyone! They need to die! NOW! Especially the KING!

[Enter George as he says "KING"]George: Yes. Oh! A good manly argument. Can I join? All but George and Henry: NO!!!!Henry: Yes, I mean no, I mean maybe, or Oh quive it all . . .[George begins to sing]

Oh quive it all All: STOP!George: What? My finest song yet but you dont want me to sing?!?!? Youre all fools!Oh quive you quiving fools! I mean QUIVEers! [Stomps off in a rage]William: In conclusion, you are stupid.Henry: No!John: Yes!James: No, you're stupid![Vassals continue fighting and arguing.]

RECITATIVE AnneThere they go again.

Gaby:Constantly fighting.

Anne:They do this all the time.

Gaby:They always want to kill!

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SONG Wives[Vassals arguing and fighting in the background all throughout song]

Things are getting very bad.Our husbands are all very mad.

They will never stop yelling.Stop yelling!

All of us are going mad.

Gaby:Theyre angry and theyre lazy.Quite honestly, they're crazy.

And I still dont have my new GOWN!

All:Things are getting even worse.

We wish they were inside a hearse.

They will argue to the deathTo the death! All of us are going mad.

Elaine:We all share the same last name

And our husbands are all to blame.They forced us all to marry them!

All:Things are at their very worst.

Our marriages seem to be cursed.We dont know what we can do.

We can do! All of us are going mad!

Joan and Jean:We are always both confused And we're really not amused

We are Joan [Joan points finger to self] and Jean [Jean points finger to self]

All:Things are very bad!

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Anne: Let us have a compromise.Joan: Yes m'lady.[Ladies join the group of vassals] Anne: Order! Order! Now, let us go from argument to plain all out plotting andscheming.James: Yes m'lady.[They huddle into group]Gaby: Let us commence. Ill plot with John [say John with lilting voice] on thedeath of my husband [points to William].William: Good. While unwittingly ignoring you two, [points to Gaby/John] Ill beplotting the unfortunate ending of mortality of James with um. . . Gaby.Gaby: Well I object! Anne: Well me and, um . . . Joan. Yeah her! Will pl..kill the King and Henry.John: Never mind the why or wherefore, but Im going to kill all by myself, er. . .John! Yeah, John, which one is he again?Jean: You're John!

John: Well that will make that a good deal easier.Jean: Well, Ill, well, Ill just kill everyone, that's right! Kill you all! You hear me!James: Oh, can I help?Jean: Yes honey, and remember lunch with that lovely Smith couple.James: Okay.Henry: Well lets see, um. . . Ill kill um. . . . . .Elaine: Ill make this easy. Well both kill the King. Anne: But Im doing that!Elaine: Dont care.[They disperse pretending they know nothing of their assailants][Enter George]George: ALL RIGHT! LETS GO GET THOSE QUIVING BARBARIANS!!!!![enter Hector and Jamter]George: AND JUST WHO THE QUIVE ARE YOU?!?!?!?Hector: I am Hector Smithader the quive, the barbarian chief. I have come to makepeace by selling you weapons.Jamter: And I came along for no good reason.Henry: WHAT?!?!?!George [with an evil chuckle]: All right . . . why dont you show us what you have.Lets go to your place for the discussion.[Exeunt George, Hector, and Jamter]

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RECITATIVE All

The Barbarians don't know what's coming They don't know what's coming

What is coming! [exeunt]

. . .

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ACT II

[We discover the barbarians posing on stage, with fake beards on their faces.]SONG Barbarian Chiefs

CHORUS:Unga changa, unga changa,

Unga changa - chu! Unga changa, unga changa,

Unga changa - chu! We are all barbarians! We are all barbarians!

True to our dictator! True to our dictator! We all wear beards! We all wear beards!

Um chuck! Ooh chuck! Or chuck!

Slave: Hey! You cant rhyme the same line! [he gets stabbed]We kill everything

That gets in our waySame slave [slightly weaker voice]: You can do better than that! [gets stabbed]

HeySame Slave [even weaker voice]: You say 'hey' and you think thats rhyming. Imean the cat wore a hat with a bat at least. [stabbed again]

Jorok:

We have many womenThough we often kill them

But I bought mine a loin cloth today

CHORUS

Horker:We strive to take over All greater and lesser

For we are Germanic barbarians

Jorok: I hate that song, it's so. . . so. . . so stereotypical. [rips off beard, the othersfollow] I mean, of course since were barbarians we must want to go maliciously killeverything in our path.Horker: Oh, I know. Unga Changa! Who says that?

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Hector: But sadly, that is what is thought of us.[Enter Torve]Torve: [to Hector] Excuse me sir, can you tell me where High Chief Dictator HectorSmithander and his brothers live? (The chief summoned me here.)Hector [interrupts]: I am Hector, but I have no brothers.Torve: AhYou must be the wrong one because Im looking for a Hector, Horker,Wilter, Jamter, Jorok Smithander family.Hector: Fool, Smithander is a very popular last name in these parts. See . . .Torve [Interrupts]: Which parts, sir?Hector: Those parts. [points off into distance]Torve: Oh, those parts not these parts. I was curious because Smithander soundsvery Germanic and these are English parts.Hector: Look, are you Torve the Weaponsmaker?Torve: Well yes, but I hope someday to become a ceramicist.Hector: I dont care. Just come with me.[Exeunt Torve and Hector]

SONG Remaining BarbariansHow civilized our lives

For people called barbariansHow wonderful our wives And peaceful our lifestyle

Cultured and refinedElegantly defined

Wed never hurt a fly(We hate to see things die.)

CHORUS: Barbarian a misnomer

(Misnomer)Just because we are roamers

(Are roamers)We are called barbarians

(Barbarians) By evil, bad vulgarians

(Vulgarians) Barbarian How stereotypical

What an ugly wordWe really are humanitarians

With love toward all And malice toward none!

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How horrible the wordsWe are labeled with

The labelers are curds And their last names are all Smith.

Evil and corruptOur lives do they disrupt.

They like to fight a lotTheir lives are all for naught!

CHORUS

And malice toward none!

[Enter Torve and Hector]Hector: Torve, now that youve gone through the proper training to become ourweaponsmith, Ill introduce you to my sub-barbarians.

[Each barbarian says full name] All: No relation!Torve: All right. Let me get this straight. You want me to make weapons.[Other barbarians, exasperated, exeunt.]Hector: For us to sell to the English.Torve: But were German.Hector: Exactly.Torve: Exactly, what?Hector: We want to make peace with the English.Torve: By selling them weapons?Hector: Right.Torve: By selling them weapons.Hector: YES!Torve: So in order to make peace with the British you give them instruments of war?Hector: Right. Is that bad?Torve: Weapons, and peace a bit unorthodox if you ask me.Hector: SO?Torve: Well, I wouldn't take that course of action. See, in other circumstances Idthink you were looney, but since you're paying me, Im okay with that. But still . . .

SONG Torve An odd unorthodox plan

To sell the British weaponsOn war to make a ban

For peace to give them weapons?

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Hector:

Why do people call it oddTo make truce in this fashion?

My great plan is not flawed But shows our great compassion

To all our fellow men!

Torve:

But if we sell them armorWon't they just attack us?Give instruments of war

To the British we distrust?

Hector:

I don't follow what you say.We trust the British, don't we?

It will be a good tradeSell all our weapons for peace!

[Torve begins to reply, but is cut off by Hector, who continues singing.]

We will continue with this tradeThis deal we will have made

That is an order,From your barbarian chief!

Hector and Torve:

We will continue with this tradeThis deal we will have made

That is an order,From your/my barbarian chief! From your/my barbarian chief!

Hector: If you want my advice, Torve, forget all about it. That's what I intend to do.[Enter Jorok & Jamter]Jorok: Sir, the English they are getting ready for battle, our spies report.Hector: Wonderful! That means they'll need weapons. Ill go talk to them about

purchasing now.[Exit Hector]Jamter: I'll go help advise the Dictator on the deal-making for no good reason.[Exit Jamter]

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RECITATIVE - Ankeir

While were waiting,Lets have some merry

Singing! All women:

Yes!

SONG Women

[Ankeir directs the women]Everything is going great

Our husbands we will never hateCertainly we will not die

Will not die All of us are really glad!

Elak:

Theyre civilized and kindlyThey donate very blindlyHe bought me a new gown today!

All:

Things are even better now,We don't understand why or how.Our husbands are quite pleasant

Quite pleasant All of us are really glad!

Riella:

Our last names are just the sameOur husbands are to blame

But we think its really cute!

All:

Things are at their very best,We have just moved to this west

Here in scenic Great BritainGreat Britain

All of us are really glad!

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Jorker:

With peaceful husbands were bestowedThey are why we sing this ode

They are all the very best!

All:

[Aahhing from men in background] How did things just get better?

Our husbands bought us sweaters'Cause they were gone for one day

For one day All of us are really glad!

Jeek:

They say that theyre barbarians But our culture is agrarian

Its really quite a misnomer

All:

Things are really great! [Exeunt]

[Enter Hector, Jamter, George]Hector: So see to make sure theres no contention betwixt us were going to initiateinternational trade. You see, when two countries have a mutually beneficial tradegoing on, they have less of an incentive to wage war on each other, since they'reboth benefiting. So we're opening up and trading with you. We'll start by selling youweapons. Then you can sell us stuff.George: Youre going to make peace by selling weapons.Hector: What is it with you people? Everyone says that!Jamter: So, do you agree? We have very good prices.George: Well, Ill have to sleep on it.Hector: You'd have a very sore back weapons are very sharp, you know . . .George: Oh, well then, on second thought, I accept.Hector: Oh wonderful. Let's talk specifics. [He brings out the contract. It is about500 pages long.]So, if you'll just sign this and specify if you want the silver or gold package. . .George: What of the bronze one?

Jamter: Oh, you wouldn't want that.George: What's the difference between the two?Hector: Well, let's see. [flips to random page] The silver comes with the standard100 swords, 50 axes, about 112 bows plus sufficient arrows, and as a special wethrow in a trebuchet.

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George: The gold?Hector: That comes with a caboose.George: A caboose??Hector: Oh, no, not a caboose. Oh, what do you call it, a. . . a . . . Oh, yes, a ballistapiloted by one of these 3 fair maids.[maids appear dressed in bright red dresses in odd dancing positions]Maiden the first: YO! [slightly masculine voice]Maiden the second: YO! YO! [more masculine voice}Maiden the third: YO! YO! YO! [very masculine voice]George: Right. And darest I ask of the bronze?Hector: Yes um. . . that comes with your choice of 3 premium cheeses and onlycheeses.George: Very well, keep the maidens and cheese, I'll take the silver - oh and maybemaiden the first, but no caboose.Jamter: SOLD!!George: And how much is that?

Jamter: Oh right, Hector, how much do we owe them?Hector: No, they give us money!Jamter: Oh. In that case, how much do they owe us?Hector: What? ummm um.... 50 lbs [pronounce 'libbs'] gold, and your old cats bestfriend's owners uncle.George: Yes, well, that would be my oldest son.Jamter: In that case, a dead fish and 5 gallons of ranch dressing.George: You've got yourself a deal. Let's make for battle in oh, say, 4 hours?Hector: WHAT!?!?George: Cheerio.[Exit George][George's men exit leaving behind some gold and a dead squid, and taking a largesilver box.][Enter other Barbarians]Horker: A dead squid! Jamter! I told you to ask for a dead fish!Jamter: I did.Willter: And where's the ranch dressing?Hector: Never mind that. We have much a much more serious matter. The Britishseemed to want to engage in battle in about 4 hours.Willter: The peace offering didn't work?Torve: Told you so!

RECITATIVE Hector

Again we go,Off to war

Sorrow, sadness, oh the horror!

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SONG - Hector

I carry the sad name of barbarian Doomed to a life forced to kill

Why cant we be treated for who we are And not by a simple title

CHORUS:Sorrow, Sorrow

Doomed to a life of rageSadness, sadness

What are you going to do?

So many battles have been foughtJust because we were nearToo many lives been lost

Just on my behalf

CHORUS

But yet I have a plan nowYes its clear to me

I must do something about it But what should it be

CHORUS:Hurray! Hurray!

He created a plan this dayOddly, oddly,

He doesn't know what it is.

Jeek: So your plan is simply to make a plan, and you wonder why people think werestupid barbarians?Willter: She has a point, sir.Hector: Shut up you!Jamter: See there you go again, throwing violent rages, if you want to be an anti-conformist you must act like a gentleman.

Hector: I guess youre right.Jamter: Guess?Hector: Know.Jamter: No?Hector: No, Know!

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Jamter: What?Wilter: Stop arguing!Jorok: But what about those pesky little Brits? They are going to attack, no?Hector: Oh yeah, I guess I got too caught up in the recitative thing and then thesong and the argument thing and so yeah. . . Let's get ready for battle!!!

SONG - Barbarians

Off we go to battleHere we go again

And so we start this endless prattleTo pass the time from now till then.

Elak [Shouting]: But we have no weapons, or war material of any kind! What willwe do!?!

What can we use?

With what to fight?This is startling newsWe'll prob'ly die tonight!

Elak:

We sold them weaponsThey waged a war

How could this happen?My anger is sore!

All:

What can we use?What can there be?We have a caboose!

And also some cheese!

Horker:

We got their bright goldThey gave us squid

We wanted dead fishBut not some STINKING SQUID!!!

All:

What will we do?How shall we win?

How will we come through

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Against that British sin?

Jorker:

Those evil BritishWant us all to die

Its like they have a fetishI just want to cry.

All:

What is the point ?Why should we fight?

Our deaths will disappoint But that's truly trite

All: Who really cares?Jorok:

Let's not give up hope.

We can still fight.We'll all throw cantaloupe.We could even bite!

All:

But still we'll all dieNo matter what

Why don't we all sigh And give ourselves up?

RECITATIVE Jorok

Yes, but would you ratherdie

in shameor die in

GLORY?! All:

GLORY?Jorok:

YES, GLORY!! All:

OH FINE, THEN, GLORY!

[to the tune of When the Foeman Bares His Steel]We will off to battle go.

(Though unprepared and pacifist)

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Still onwards we will goTo meet our death!

And we never shall retreat . . .

Elak: That's enough! Let's get ready! What are we going to do?Jorok: We could use the cheese to our advantage.Jorker: And just how do you suggest we do that?Jorok: I'm not quite sure. But I'm sure we could if we really thought about it.Elak: Then what else will we do?Jorok: We have a squid. We don't really want it, and I'm guessing they don't either.So, we could, like, throw it at them or something.Riella: That's nice . . .Hector: Nah. Lets just wing it!Jorok: Whatever.

RECITATIVE All

We're going to battleWe're going to battle,To battle!

. . .

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ACT III

[George and Hector are standing on opposite sides of the stage, facing each other, infront of their respective forces. Timothy and Torve are absent.]George: Let the battle begin!Hector: NO!George: Yes!Hector: NO!George: Please?Hector: No!George: Pretty please?Hector: Oh, all right . . . Let the battle begin.[He runs off behind the caboose which the barbarians are using as a barricade.]George: ATTACK!!![The British begin throwing assorted weaponry at the barbarians. The barbariansreturn with a volley of cheese and politely give the weaponry back. The British arethankful for the return of their weapons and immediately throw them back at the

barbarians. The barbarians also throw several other things such as a dead squid, ablock of gold (which doesn't get very far), and pies.]George: Their new advanced weaponry is devastating! We must retreat!Henry: Um, King, they have no weaponry. We're winning.George: I know, but I've always wanted to say something like that. It's fun toretreat, you know.Henry: Um . . . Yeah . . . Sure. I mean, actually, no.George: Ah, you haven't experienced the joys of retreating? All right, Let'sRETREAT!!!![British run away to side of stage, the barbarians push the caboose farther up and

attack some more]Hector: Cheese them!!!!George: All right! That's enough! Let's go back! Wasn't that fun?Hector: YES!!!George: Now, let's proceed to march up and attack.William: Don't we need a marching song?George: Why, yes!

SONG British

Marching, ever marching, Always, always marching, never stopping, marching!

Shoot me, Shoot me, Shoot me,GO BRITS!

Shoot me, Shoot me, Shoot me,GO BRITS!

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There's way too much at stakeTo not kill them

CHORUS: British:

Let us plot to kill each otherWife and husband, sister, brother

If we'll still live togetherWe'll be miserable forever

We must kill or move apart for good!

Barbarians:

Let them all plot to kill each otherWife and husband, sister, brother

We'll catch them as they kill each other Keep our land and win our warThey must kill or move apart for good!

All: But we can't move apart because we're all Catholic!Serf: Well, I'm not! Im Protestant! [pronounced Pro-test-ant]

All British:

PAGAN!!!! HERESY!!!! TREASON AGAINST THE STATE!!!!

[The serf is dragged off the stage]

British Men:

With knife and swords we plot, Kill them and their lot.

Shrewish women and their pots:We must kill them

CHORUS: British:

Let us plot to kill each other

Wife and husband, sister, brotherIf we will still live togetherWe'll be miserable forever

We must kill or move apart for good!

Barbarians:

Let them plot to kill each other

Wife and husband, sister, brotherWe'll catch them as they kill each other

Keep our land and win our warThey must kill or move apart for good!

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Barbarian Women:

We love our husbands lotsWe'll against the Brits plot

When the war saves our butts (say 'bott')We must kill them

CHORUS (as before)

Barbarian Men:

The British will soon be late,If you catch my taste

Protect our female matesWe must kill them

CHORUS

We [Barbarians: They ] will kill or move apartFor good!

Jane: Anne, sneak behind them and stab them with this knife. [produces knife] Anne: Which one?Jane: I don't know John.Gaby: No!!! I mean, start with the most important the quive. . . Oh, silly me, theKing. Anne: But. . . I mean, Oh gosh, I can't do it! [Breaks out in tears]Jane: Neither can I! [starts to sob][other women do the same]Joan: We love all of us!Elaine: We don't want to kill you. Forgive us!George: Good, I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now where were we?[James whispers into his ear] Oh yes, back to the battle.[British men begin fighting again, British women cower in the background.]George: You're evil!Hector: No, you are!George: No, you are! You kill everythingHector [cuts him off]: That gets in my way, I know!!

[The British once again begin throwing weapons at the Barbarians.][Timothy & Torve run onto stage from opposite directions]Timothy & Torve: Will you just STOP fighting?!?!?!?!?

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SONG Timothy & TorveTimothy: Bicker,Torve: Quarrel,

Timothy: Argue, Both: FIGHT!

Morning, evening, day and nightSeems that's all you ever do.How do you get things done?

Do you?

The Brits -You attack all in your sight!

You don't understand! Might does not make right! (a horrible clich, we know, and we'll probably wind up eating crow.)

Barbarians - Did you think no one would ever fight?You sell your weapons for peace, you say,

You're gullible! They could have made you payFor the weapons of war you sold to them!

In fact, we think you did.

We're tired of your fighting This problem we'll be writing

We'll make you stop your contentionWithout any form of pretension

We'll force you to make peaceMake sure you don't forsake peace

By this simple mechanism:

Either sign this treaty we offer,Or we keep singing this song.La la la la la la la la de dah

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah de dahWe aren't bad singers,

Just a bad song!

La la la, Ah ah ah, Blah blah blah! Doo de doo de doo!

[They offer the treaty to both parties toward the end of the song. They immediatelysign.]

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George: It's settled then. Ankeir: Yes. Anne: Fine.Hector: Great!

RECITATIVE - All

Weve come to an agreement.Weve come to an agreement!

To an agreement! . . .

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CODA

[Enter George, Hector, Anne, Ankeir]

SONG All Hector:

Oh, how beautiful this morning Oh, how lovely 'tis todayThat is why I sing or say

All:For Peace! For Peace! Is what we sing today

Oh Peace! Sweet Peace! It is the only way

Oh Peace! Great Peace! On its anniversary

Men: Peaceful year

We celebrate our lovely peaceOh Peace!

How beautiful the soundOh, War is ugly, bring it down

For Peace!

George:

Our peace of fifteen years todayTo never let us from it stray

Is what each one of us doth prayIf we lose it there's no way

All:For Peace! For Peace! We celebrate its sound

Oh Peace! Sweet Peace! With vodka all around. [off stage someone shouts MORMON!]

Oh Peace! Great Peace! On its anniversary

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Women:

Peaceful yearWe celebrate our lovely peace

Oh Peace! And listen to its lovely sound

To this agreement we are boundFor Peace!

[Enter Barbarians and Vassals, mingling]Henry: What are you doing that is so loud? We can hardly mingle!Hector: It's the anniversary of our wonderful peace!Horker: No, that was yesterday.George: It was? All: YES!George: But I do so love that song!

Oh Peace . . .

Hector: Can't we just pretend it's Peace Day? Please? Pretty please?Wilter: Oh, all right. Let's sing and get it over with. Ankeir: With that kind of enthusiasm? That excitement? Come on. All [Perky, excited voices]: Oh, all right! Let's sing and get it over with!

All:

For Peace! For Peace! Thy lovely days enshrineOh Peace! Great Peace! Us in thy sweetest wine!

Oh Peace! The Peace! It is thy anniversary

Peaceful year And, Oh our arms enfold our peace

Oh Peace! And clasp it tight to hear its sound

For we do love it all around.Oh Peace!

John: That verse! That verse! It's just so cheesy ! I hate it! Anne: Well, I love it! Let's sing it again!

Vassals & Barbarians: NO!Wilter: Let's just get on with it. Anne: For this next verse we need the caboose.[Group of 4 leave and drag in caboose]

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RECITATIVE All

We have finished the operetta! The operetta! The operetta!

. . .

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Vassals on the Loose

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