Waldfield's Zine

7/28/2019 Waldfield's Zine

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anfinspirationalguide for the

imperfectChristian

#rDFrD


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your heolthy@stitution, ond yourore ondprudence, ond bestcontrivonce, ond ollyour righteousness,would hove no moreinfluence to uphold youond keep you out ofhell, thon o spider's webwould hove to stop ofolling rock.Jonothon Edwords, 1741"+jj.d;rE

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PrefaeeSinners, I am talking to thee. I hath observed thy sinful sinnitudefor as long as the day is sinful, and I am aghast at what I see. Isee couples engaging in hand-holding before sunset; I see teen-agers enjoying their chocolate wafers before completing theirChristian dinners; I see mothers hitting their children fewer thanfive times a week-and worse still, God sees what thou do. Andlord, howthe Lord shalljudge thee.Repent now, sinners, or He shall zap thee with lightning. TheLord hath mighty powers-He can runneth faster than thecheetah, jumpeth higher than the kangaroo, swimmeth deeper thanthe sea lamprey-and He shall use everything in His disposal tosmite thee as the need arises. He shall trap thee in a glass box andsuffocate thee; He shall entwine thy neck with bless6d ropes andstrangle thee; He shall place thee precariously near the edge of awindowsill and summon a gust of wind to defenestrate thee... ifthee do not repent thyselfnow.If thee do not abandon thy blasphemous ways at once, He shallchew thee up and spit thee out; He shall watch thee writhe on hisplate as his still-warm saliva continues to digest thee; and He shallthen discard thee along with the other scraps on his plate into hisdog's feeding bowl. Thou shalt beggeth Him for forgiveness, yetHe shall spit in thy face, serving only to accelerate thy digestioneven further. The Lord's enzymes are strong.Thou hast repulsed the Lord in every which way, but it is not toolate to turn thy life around. Embrace The Book, embrace its HolyWord, and then embrace this book-arguably a lesser book thanThe Book, yet still a fine publication-and do everythinginstructed to thee therewithin. Live a better life; be a betterChristian; demonstrate to the Lord why He should tolerate thyexistence. Cast away thy sins like God cast Adam and Eve out ofHis garden, and then step on thy sins like Adam ought to havestepped on the snake, and then cover up thy sinful past like the figleaf covering Eve's genitals.


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Daily Sermon:The True Meaning of ChristmasEvery year, when man ought to celebrate the birth of our Savior,he instead celebrates the birttr of Saint Nick-a man whom isdisbelieved by many to be a true saint in the frst place.Saint Nicholas goes by many names-Kris Kringle, Jolly OldMan, Satan Claus, Red Tums, and Red Roofus, to name just afew-but the one I prefer most is "Profaner of Truth."Sinners, believe not in Santa Claus, for your parents have createdhim as a lie. Believe instead in the Lord Jesus Christ, who Iassure you is not a lie.Santa is alleged to fly at supersonic speeds on a sleigh pulled bymagical reindeer. Is this plausible? The Holy Bible states that thepower of supersonic flight belongs exclusively to the Lord. OnlyHe can fly upwards of Mach l; only He can create the sonicboom. The myth of Santa is just that-a myth.Believe not that Santa is keeping a list and checking it twice, for itis only up to Jesus to judge who is naughty and nice. And Jesusneed not check his list twice, for the Bible states that Jesus nevermakes mistakes in accounting. The Lord's mind is stronger thaneven Microsoft Excel.

It is Jesus, not Santa, who doth see you when you sleep, and it isJesus, not Santa, who knows when you're awake. Our Lord JesusChrist knows if you've been bad or good, so be good before Hezaps thee with lightning.Thou hadst better not pout, thou hadst better not cry, unless thytears are contrition for thy countless misdeeds. Jesus Christ cameto town two millennia ago.Santa did not.


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,, - .Crime-Fighting JesusWho knows what evil lurks in the heart of man? The Lord JesusChrist knows.The Lord Jesus Christ can see into thy hearts with His x-rayvision. He can see thy every heartbeat, and He can see thyclogged arteries, and He begs thee to eat better and exercise more.Gluttony is only one of many deadly sins.Sinners, every time you steal a candy bar, murder somebody, orforget to return your library books on time, you are being watchedby a force more deadly than any security camera or police officer:you are being watched by Jesus Christ The Crime Fighter.Crime-Fighting Jesus doesn't have a badge or a gun, but askyourself this: does that make Hirn /ess dangerous -- or moredangerous?Picture Jesus as the loose-cannon detective who got fired from theforce for his any-means-necessary approach. He was the only onewho could bring down the drug czar, sure, but did he have to blowup half the city block along the way? Those kinds of methodsmay have been tolerated where he came from, but unless he wantsto spend the rest of his career writing parking tickets he had betterplay this next one by the book. "I'm a damn good cop and youknow it," growls Jesus. "Nobody but me has got what it takes tocatch Lopez-not Tommy, not Tito-nobody." He slams hisbadge and his gun on the desk and storms out of the room.After leaving the force, Jesus has become sharper and morefocused than ever. And just because He is now stuck sitting on acloud for etemity, it does not mean He can't still punish thymisdeeds by zappngthee with lightning. On the contrary, itgives Him the perfect vantage point.If there is one thing that Jesus hates the same amount as sin, it iscrime, because crime is a type of sin.


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Drily Prayer.:Dear God, Be a Vengeful GodDear God, be a vengeful God. Find the strength to be evermerciless in your wrath; find the vigor to be ever vigilant in yourwatch; find the time to be ever present in our lives as you rainfurious hails of arrows and sulfi.u upon those of us who havesinned.Father in Heaven, be a vengeful Father. Impale those who havesinned upon a many-pronged fork; leave the fork out in the rainfor several days first to ensure its rustiness prior to impalement;coat the fork with something highly acidic to maximize the painupon receipt of its thrust.Crime-Fighting Jesus, be a vengeful Crime-Fighting Jesus. Senda Mack truck barreling towards a sinner's house at speedsupwards of fifty miles per hour with its breaks cut while shootingat its gas tank so it explodes moments before plowing into theirhouse and obliterating all in a flaming inferno the likes of whichthey will not see again until mere seconds later when theydescend into hell.Satan, although I do not pray to you often, be a vengeful satan asyou prod the sinners' bottoms with your pitchfork.


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Learning fi:orn R,eal Life:The Man Who Renounced the BibleMark had it all: a pleasant Christian home, a lovely Christianwife, and six adoring Christian children. He had a humble jobbaking bread, he went to church twice a week-donating verygenerously, rnight I add-, and he had never smoked cigarettesonce in his life.One day, his friend Donald offered him a cigarette."I don't know," Mark did sayeth, "doesn't the Lord Jesus Christdeclare the smoke from tobacco to be sinful?""Ease up," Donald said. "I don't believe Jesus would etemallydamn you for having just one cigarette. Doesn't that seemexcessive to you?""No!" Mark did howl as he knocked the cigarettes out ofDonald's hands. "I believe in Jesus Christ and I love Him morethan anything and I shall have this conversation with you nolonger!" Mark stormed off into the distance, leaving Donaldbehind.Many years later, after Mark had died, he was sent to hell-henever did have that cigarette, but God was angry at him forsocializing with a nonbeliever like Donald. Mark cried over hismisdeeds as Satan whipped him, and he apologized for havingrenounced the Bible so, but it was too late: he was in hell, wherehe belonged.Don'tyou be like Mark. Repent now, while you're able. (If youdo not tell this story to 20 people, verbatim, the Lord shall zapthee with lightning.)


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An Enlightened Essay:Can Science and Religion Coexist?The devout Christians among us know that science is both eviland a sin. It exists solely to undermine God's glorious Word andtempt all those who have wavering faiths. But is there anythingthat can be said in favor of this comrptible institution? Actually,yes-for although science is to be distrusted and denounced whenit contradicts the Bible's teachings, the Lord pennits thee toembrace it on the rare instances when it does not. One suchinstance: both science and religion agree that it would hurt to getzapped with lightning.Scientists have used their equipment and laboratories to deducethat lightning travels at 186,000 miles per second-a full one-tenth as fast as the Lord himself travels-so just imagine howmuch it would hurt for something that fast to run into you. Itmakes you want to start pleasing God right now, doesn't it, soperhaps He won't have a reason to'send any lightning your way?Scientists also tell us that lightning can split trees in halfandrrake them catch fire. Indeed, even ifyou are not a tree, youshould still be wary of such a fate. One never knows.Scientists tell us that lightning travels faster than does thunder,which Christianity has not yet come to consensus on.Finally, scientists tell us that rain, which often occurssimultaneously with lightning, represents God crying; if this is thecase, then lightning represents God smiting sinful heathens.Every time you see lightning flash across the sky, picture someunlucky person or tree who has recently sinned. Be thankful thatit was not you-and start readjusting your life to make sure its/ays not you.No longer is science good for nothing. Now it is good for onething.


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Ileecling Good lMords:A Wholesome Christian Interviewwith Biblical Scholar Dr. T. H.JamestonThis interview was conducted by Lewis Hinner, an intern at HolyZines Publications.Lewis Hinner: First of all, Dr. Jameston, thank you so much forblessing us with your presence.Dr. T. H. Jameston: I think you have me confused with a priest;I am a biblical scholar. Only priests can bless things.LH: I'm sorry, Dr. Jameston; please forgive me.THJ: The Bible does tell us that only the Lord can forgivepeople.LH: Dr. Jameston, please do not forgive me, then, and insteadhold a lifelong grudge against me-a grudge so severe, soirreversible, that not even a lobotomy could undo it.THJ: Gladly, my pupil. Now, what are we here to talk abouttoday?LH: Well there are a number of topics: first off, what do-THJ: Excuse me, Mr. Hinner, but the Bible does also declare it asin to slouch in one's chair.LH: -my apologies, Dr. Jameston----our first topic is: What doesthe Bible say about the matter of, how shall I put this, pre-marital,erm... that is to saY, um...THJ: Pre-marital pleasantries?LH: Yes, Dr. Jameston.THJ: Pre-marital pleasantries are, like all other pleasantries,forbidden by the Holy Word of God. He does state that we mustsing of our love often, but that we must derive no pleasure fromour doing so. Our song must be performed for the sake ofspreading His glory, not of making ourselves happy. We mustlive ajoyless existence of servitude to the Lord.LH: I see. And how does this change after the marriage occurs?THJ: The blessed bonds of matrimony are a glorious thing. Thesong of our love is infinitely stronger when it is sung as a duet.Just make sure that, during the duet, you are still not deriving anypleasure. You must refrain from such salacious feats as


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harmonizing with each other or providing instrumentalaccompaniment.LH: So my wife and I are to be completely discordant if we are tolive healthy Christian lives?THJ: Oh yes, absolutely.LH: Now, can you explain to our readers at home exactly whatyou're refening to when you say "instrumental accompaniment"?THJ: Tambourines, cymbals, harpsichords, and so on.LH: And these are rnetaphors for...?THJ: I'm afraid I don't understand the question.LH: Aren't we using this whole music thing as a metaphor for,please pardon my bluntness, romantic relations?THJ: We are not.LH: We were speaking literally?THJ: Very much. For you see, the Bible does hold metaphors tobe a dreadful abomination. They are described in Leviticus l5:22as a dark plague-cloud against the white sky ofjustice.Metaphors are a burglar lurking in the shadows, a tiger crouchingin the brush. They are a communicable disease, if you will, onethat atrophies both rnind and body irreversibly, and we must washour hands clean of them before we are infected with their poisons.LH: I am so confused.Dr. T. H. Jameston's book, Keep That Frown Right-side Down:The Rewards of Joyless Servitude to the Lord, will be available inboolrstores everywhere this spring.


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Daily Prayer:I Am No GoodLord, please hear me when I say, please believe ,o" *h.n Luy,please pity me when I say: I am no good.I am lousy; I am contemptible; I am trash. I am utter trash and Iam gutter trash.

I have seen good before, and I know that I am not it. I amsomething else entirely. Not necessarily its opposite, but certainlyits absence.My soul is tainted with sin. My mind is tainted with filmicdepictions of violence and pomography and various other formsof smut. My bed is tainted with unholy unions in unholypositions.Every day that I live is a day that I sin. I claim to be a goodChristian, but both you and I know such a claim to be unfoundedin truth. It is as foul an untruth as an untruth sent from satan'sown lips-lips which, might I add, I have heeded the call of fartoo oft.Although I have done nothing yet in my life to please you, I shalltry with all of my might to do better tomorrow. Please be patientwith me, Lord, for I am no good.(Ihese words represent what you are supposed to say, not whatthe author of this publication would say himself. -Ed.)

-LEAP-[O THESAN,{E PN.ACE.".


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Daily Sermon:Hollywood Shall Be Among the FirstZappedThe Lord and I know that Hollywood is the devil. And althoughthe devil is too far underground to be zapped with God'slightning, Hollywood is at just the right height.Every great civilization has been brought to its demise as a directresult of violence being used as a form of entertainment.Consider the fall of ancient Rome, for Example, which was causedby the colosseum and the way it comrpted people's morals. Ihave just provided irrefutable proof.But just as bad as these directors are the people who reward them.Not long ago, a "film" titled Pulp Fiction was awarded the PalmeD'Or. And for what? Its glamorization of tobacco and firearms.I venture that if I were to make a film glarnorizing wholesomeChristian values, it would never win a Palme D'Or. And I'm justas talented a director as Mr. Quentin Tarantino.In fact, I am more talented, for I have God as rny script editor.

accepting JesusChrist as yourLord andpersonal Savior

ON]E:


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rF et Enlightened Dssay:How To React To Non-Christia_nsIt has happened to all of us: we are walking our family to a biblestudy meeting, when whom do we pass on the sidewalk but agroup of non-Christians! What is one to do? Our instinct is topull our loved ones closer to us, lest they fall under the sweet,seductive spell ofour aberrant passersby, but such a sudden actionmight only startle our enemies into striking us. Remember: wemustn't provoke them in any way, as they are jealous of ourloving family and will likely try to kidnap one of its mernbers.Fortunately, ifyou perform one ofthe below suggestions, you cankeep both yourself and your family safe and untainted. Theseshould work well no matter what type of non-Christians you aredealing with-satanists, punk rockers, sodomites, jews, et cetera.l. Swiftly drop into genuflection and perform a prayer that willbring God's attention to these heathens, thus accelerating theireventual fate of being zapped with lightning. For addedefficiency, encourage your family to join in.2. Grasp your crucifix while howling at the heathens, "Myfamily neither adheres to nor endorses your sinful ways, and wewill absolutely not succumb to them! This leaves you littlerecourse but to prey on some other family, for example that oneacross the street, who is less likely than we to be concealingvampire-proof collars beneath their coats!" Then spit at them.3. Feigning politeness, invite them to the bible study meetingwith you. As soon as they arrive, dunk their heads in thebaptismal font and watch them dissolve. Make sure not to inhalethe fumes.4. Look them dead in the eye and tell them you're giving themone chance, and only one chance, to accept Jesus Christ as theirLord and personal Savior. When they invariably say no, killthem.


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Chr.istian Media GuideWholesome, Christian Films ExistAfter AIIWe all know that Hollywood is run by the "Old Deluder" himself(satan), but did you know that occasionally, by some miraculouswindfall of fortune, he accidentally lets a wholesome, Christianfilm slip through his sulfury cracks? Blessdd are these occasions,for they provide our families with something to do while they arerecovering from sunstroke (but as soon as the credits roll, it isback into the fields with them!). Note; Our VCR is not yet backfrom the repair shop, so as ofpublication time we were unable toactually view the below films. We are recommending them basedon their titles and what we imagine their premises to be.Jimmy Has Two Fathers (1955), 22 minutes. We praise thisfilm's mission, which is presumably to uphold the sanctity oftraditional familial values. In this film, a young Jimmy honorsboth of his fathers: his biological father, and the Lord. Requiredviewing for anybody who wishes to help preserve the rapidlycrumbing nuclear family. Five stars.Sorority Girls Find Ecstasy (1971),54 minutes. This delightfulfilm follows a group of learn6d college students who for the firsttime in their lives experience true ecstasy, when they accept Jesusas their Lord and Savior. Their joy is limitless as they spread Hisdivine teachings to their fellow students. Five stars.Chainsaw-Wielding Sociopaths, Part IV (1974),80 minutes. Inthis film, the sinners who killed Jesus are made to look like thedemonic, soulless, raving sociopaths that they are. We do notappreciate the anachronism of giving them chainsaws, but thisconcession was likely a ploy to draw in today's jaded youth. Weare pleased to finally have an effective way to bring His messageto young people. Perhaps this could be shown in SundaySchools? Five stars.F''ecalfreaks, Vol. l4 (1979),40 minutes. We are also pleased tosee this film's title on our shelves, for its producers must have avery strong commitment towards improving our nation'svocabulary levels. As soon as we can find where we put our


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dictionary, we will look this word up ourselves, but in themeantime we admire the endeavor all the same. Five stars.Blood Drinkers Are Ready to Feast, The (1975, Italy), 131minutes. Finally, a film about Communion. We look forward toa sequel one day-perhaps it could be titled "Eating Christ'sBody"? "Devouring Christ Whole"?Deep Throat (1972),61 minutes. {AU: is tlris filnr supposed tobe listed on here? Find out before rve send this to the typesetter.)

Unwholesome, Anti-Christian Filmsare as Abundant as EverOf course, you should not let the above list fool you into thinkingthat your local video rental store is anything other than a den ofmoral depravity. Please beware the following films, which wemost certainly have seen-multiple times, so as to notice theirevery flaw.Snow White And The Seven Dwarves (1937), 83 minutes. Inthe titular role is a provocatively dressed heroine who enables thevagrancy of her otherworldly beast-friends, of whom there are(not coincidentally) seven. What else are there seven of? That'sright-deadly sins. (Sleepy represents Sloth, Sneezy representsWrath, and so on.) Worse still, whom does Snow White battle butan "evil queen," a crude and insulting characterization ofChristianity itself. Zero stars.Mr. Rogers'Neighborhood (1968). Satan takes many forms.Do not be fooled simply because he is smiling and wearing a nicesweater. We will certainly nol be satan's neighbor. Zero stars.Every film that has won an Academy Award. The AcademyAwards are distributed by the same company who owns a printingpress who once printed a magazine featuring the same managingeditor who once oversaw the publication ofa pornographic book(Hamlet). Also, their syrnbol is a golden, naked man. Disgusting.Every film on AFI's Top 100 Films list. Some of the films onthis list contain such anti-Christian elements as nudity and/orcursing. The other films on this list are guilty by association.


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Daily Prayer:Lord, Let Me Live Another DayLord, I know the pains ofhell are great, and Lord, I know I can donothing to revoke your decision to damn me. But please, Lord,before you cast me into the incendiary bowels of hell, let me liveanother day.Even if for only a single day, Lord, I ask you to forestall mydeath, Each day I am allowed to enjoy the glories of earth is oneday fewer I must spend getting whipped by Satan's minions whileboiling sulfur is poured upon me. I would muchiather bask inyour sun and lie in your grass than walk on barbed wire and getstabbed with a pitchfork. I've felt stabs from a one-prongedinstrument, and they're painful enough; those from a three-pronged instrument could only be worse.It's really very nice here on earth. I have complained about itbefore, and I have squandered your gift oflife by spending itsinning, but as I take a mornent to reflect I realize that things hereactually compare quite favorably to things down below. For one,there is no lake offire up here. For another, there are no hundred-pound bricks I must carry uphill to build Satan's palace with.Lord, before yotJ zap me with lightning, before you crisp me likea potato chip, before you slice me and dice me, please wait,because sulfur smells gross, and because boiling things hurt.

Stin not convinced?Consider the following odvontoges of eorlh over hellocompiled by our expert research staff:

{F fewer whips, chains{F less sulfur{F lakes made of actual waterf not all animals attempt to gore us{F bouts of suffering feature brief pauses of relief in between{l greater Bingo opportunities


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LIIoly Zines feature:Empfying the Bless6d MailbagDear Holy Zines,My little Silas, bless his heart, has just started college, anddespile my and my wife's earnest pleas, he refuses to major inreligious studies. He has instead chosen to major in graphicdesign. He claims that it's what he "loves to do" and is "his onetrue passion," yet I am uncorwinced. Surely we can change hismind? -Nathaniel L., MissouriNathaniel, this may not be what you wanted to hear, but it soundslike you cannot change your son's mind. It would be far better ifyou listened to him, and believed that it's what he loves to do, andthen disowned him. Presumably you have several other childrenwho are younger than he and who can succeed where he has failedin life.Dear Holy Zines,My little Abraham, bless his heart, is getting to that age where hestarts to ask questions about his faith. Dfficult questions-onesthat my husband and I are sometimes uncertain how to answer.How can we help our son to love the Bible and see its beauty, theway we do, without doubting its teachings? -Candace R.,KentuckyIn fact, Candace, such curiosity is a natural stage in a child'sdevelopment. Fortunately, a child is never too old-or tooyoung-to have such devilish curiosity stamped out. Simply tellAbraham that "faith is called faith for a reason," and that if he'sgoing to ask questions it's clear he doesn't have any faith. Alsoremind him that not having faith will result in his eternaldamnation. Also, hit him with a rod.Dear Holy Zines,My liltle Abigail, bless her heart, has just had her first period.My husband and I are uncertain how to react, as we on one handwant to celebrate our daughter's passage into adulthood, but onthe other hand are told by Leviticus that menstruation isuncleanly. Are we really required by Biblical law to exile our


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our own daughter for an entire weelc, and to wash every surfaceshe's touched before leaving? -Sharon H., KansasSharon, it is regrettable to hear that your daughter has chosen tobegin this life of sin. Encourage her to take her Biblical studiesmore seriously in the future (but not until the entire week haselapsed).Dear Holy Zines,I, bless my heart, am e woman in modern-day America whostruggles to be successful and career-oriented while at the samejuggling my Christian beliefs, which is increasingly dfficult to do.The Bible tells me I'm inferior to ruen, and that I shouldn't seek toadvance myself in society, but I know in my heart that I'm sntartand capable and deserving ofthe success I've achieved. How doI reconcile my career and my beliefs? -Miriam N., NevadaIt upsets me to hear you talk about the Bible that way. The Bibleis supposed to be something that you love-something that helpsyou through life-not something that you view as an obstacle!Frankly, you can't give the Bible the love it requires when yourcareer is getting in the way, and for this reason you should quit,marry, and become a stay-at-home mother of six, immediately.Tramp.

(The above letlers were received between one andfive years ago.)


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Daily Sermon:

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Be a Better Christian Than YourNeighborsDo you really think that heaven awaits you? How can it, whenyour neighbor has just purchased a new lawn mower, whereasyours is a decade old?The only way to impress God is by being a better Christian thanyour neighbors. You must dress nicer; you must act nicer; youmust pray harder.You must donate more to charity.Each April, as tax season comes, casually ask your neighbor howmuch he has donated to charity during the previous fiscal year. Itis now your responsibility to donate twice that amount, and beforeyou file your return. God is watching, and the IRS is watchingtoo.If you sense that your neighbor is trying to use that same ploy onyou-if he ever asks you how much you've donated to charity-lie. The Bible doesn't ordinarily condone lying, but you mustn'tlet him get the upper hand.You must impress God at all costs.You must also excel beyond your neighbor in the category oflingual ability. Does your neighbor end sentences withprepositions? Does he split his infinitives? Perhaps he fails todistinguish between restrictive and nonrestrictive clauses? In anyofthese cases, point out his error, loudly enough so that the entiresupermarket can hear, and then criticize his groceries'healthcontent. End by quoting a well-selected passage from the Bible.When the time comes to pay for your groceries, ensure that yourcoupons are as neatly folded and ironed as they were when youleft the house.


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Ileeding Good \Yortls:A Wholesome Christian lntervicwwith Christian Potitical Analyst Dr. C.R. MercerThis interview was conducted by Lewis llinner, who, dul lo hbstrong Christian work ethic, was recenlly promoledlrom lnlsrn alHoly Zines Publications to senior intern al Holy ZlnetPublications.Lewis Hinner: Dr. Mercer, thank you so much for rlttlng downwith us today.Dr. C. R. Mercer: Please, call me by my full namo,LH: Absolutely, Doctor Colby-Tobias Ronaldo'Lukas Morccr, itwould be my pleasure.CRM: I am giateful to Jesus for providing you with thisopportunity for pleasure.LH: I am as well.CRM: Praise be unto Him.LH: Let us praise Him with our Thanksgiving.CRM: Deai Lord, who art great; dear Lord, who arlfar bellerthanwe; Dear Lord, who doth know that we are but a rancidbacterial growth despoiling your leftovers, which you had hopedwould lqst the entire weekend.'.LH: ...Dear Lord, who hath already been through enough troublesimply finding the right-sized leftover dish, and does not need thisgrii| cintpoirding your preexisting ones, like for example theSriiffro* the timeyou gaveyour only begottenson, or,forarothrr example, front the time Adam created original sin""CRM: ...Deir Lord, who doth hate original sin almost as muchas you hate modern day sin, for example the time I coveted myneighbor's wtfe, for which I am deeply repentant."LH: ...or the time I coveted my neighbor's new laptop, for which Ianx even more deePlY rePentant.-.CRM: ...but not as repentant as I was the time I borefalsewitness against mY neighbor'.'LH: You did that?CRM: I said I was repentant.LHt ...Dear Lord, wi thank theefor blessing us with this life andthis earlh...


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CRM: ...because each day o/'this life held on this earth is achance to sing thy holy praise, to spread thy holy word...LIJ: ...and to repentfor our many sins,CRM: What's that supposed to mean?LH: Moving along, Dr. Mercer, you-CRM: Full name, please.LIf: Doctor Colby-Tobias Ronaldo-Lukas Mercer, you'reactually here notjust as a blessed fellow Christian and servant toGod-CRM: Praise be unto Him.LH: -praise be unto Him-but specifically as a Christianpolitical analyst, is that correct?CRM: Correct: I have been studying Christian political analysiswith my Christian brethren for over two decades now.LH: Wow! So, what can you tell our readers about politics?How ought our Christian beliefs to impact our politicalaffiliation? What political party should a good Christian be?CRM: Republican.Dr. C.R. Mercer has been studying Christian political analysis forover two decades.

ffi Republicans I christians


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In Surnmation:A Terrible World Awaits YouYou weren't even listening for the last l8 pages, were you? Ofcourse not; you were too busy sinning.You might not realize it, but you are in fact sinning right now.Even as you read this holiest ofpublications, you are havingimpure thoughts. Thoughts about jungle-rhythm music andpackets of artificial sweetener and automobiles with flame decalson them. But as you wallow in filth and laugh all the while, satanis laughing as well, and concurrent to both of these events God isweeping.It is time that you joined God's side and started weeping as well.Weeping because you are flawed and disgusting. Weepingbecause you are squandering your life. Weeping because youhave no hope for the futue. Weeping because, after you die,a terrible world awaits you (hell).Perhaps you are wondering if preaching a doctrine of fear is thebest way of communicating a message of morality and peace.Perhaps you are wondering if telling people they are inherentlyevil and have little hope for redemption is a good idea. Perhapsyou are wondering if demanding strict obedience to our rulesmakes any sense when these rules were designed over nineteen-hundred and sixty years ago, when man's social morays andscientific knowledge and medicinal abilities and philosophicalbackgrounds and economic systems and technological capacitiesand intercultural awareness were vastly different than they aretoday.The answer is yes.Start praying.


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AboutFor over a year now, authorWallid H. Fielding

has been editing and uploadingunspeakably vulgar videos ontoYouTube. You can see them atwww.youtube.com/waldfi eld. Theyhave very little to do with thispublication.Wallid's hobbies include attaching fakespiders to long poles and dangling theminconspicuously. He is an amazing chefand his favorite food is soup in a can.He once was able to drink an entireglass of water-a feat which has sincebeen repeated.wald field@ grnail. corn

All writing is @2009 by Waldfield. All design layout and copyediting areby Waldfield as well, so if you see a typo, it is his fault (and he wouldactually like to hear about it).All clipart is takenfrom the Dover CIip Art Series, whose designs arecopyright-free.

the AUthOf


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ng of these men

to' ryerur(Can you guess which?)

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