subjects in the Bible. Aspastor Gary Inrig points out inthe following pages, forgivenessin our time has become littlemore than a therapeutic way ofdetaching ourselves from thosewho have harmed us. Yet theheart of true forgiveness is somuch richer than many of usrealize.
What about “forgiving God,”or “forgiving ourselves”? Do wewait for the one who has harmedus to say, “I’m sorry”? These areonly some of the questions thatpastor Inrig answers in thefollowing pages. If you’re like me,you will find this booklet one ofthe most helpful perspectives onforgiveness you have ever read.
Martin R. De Haan II
CONTENTS
Wrestling With Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . 2
What Is True Forgiveness? . . . . . . . . . . 7
True Forgiveness Begins By Dealing With Sin Honestly . . . . . 8
True ForgivenessRequires The Offender To OwnSin Repentantly . . . . . . 21
IIn 1944, young Simon Wiesenthal was a prisoner in a
concentration camp locatedon the outskirts of the townin which he had beenraised. One day his workdetail was marched throughthe town where he hadonce lived. Along the way,his group passed a militarycemetery with a sunflowerplanted on each grave. Hecould not help but contrastthat careful remembrancewith the mass grave thatalmost surely would be hisdestiny, with other corpsespiled on top of him,unmarked and unknown.
They finally came to thehigh school Wiesenthal hadattended, a building full ofmemories of anti-Semiticharassment now turned intoa makeshift hospital forwounded German soldiers.
Wiesenthal’s group carriedcartons of rubbish out of the hospital. While workingon this detail, he wasapproached by a Red Crossnurse. “Are you a Jew?” sheasked. When he indicatedyes, she summoned him tofollow. She led him to thebedside of a young Germanofficer covered withbandages, barely able tospeak. He had asked her tofind a Jew to whom he couldspeak, and Wiesenthal hadarbitrarily become thatperson.
The officer said his namewas Karl. He knew he wasdying, and before he diedhe needed to talk aboutsomething that wastorturing him. As hesummarized the story of his life and military action,Wiesenthal tried to leavethree times, but the manreached out to grab his armeach time. He needed to tellhim his story. Finally hetold of an atrocity he had
participated in whilepursuing the retreatingRussians. Thirty Germansoldiers had been killed in booby traps set by theRussians. In an irrationalact of revenge against theinnocent, he and his menrounded up a group of 300Jews, herded them into ahouse, doused it withgasoline, and set it on firewith grenades. They thenshot anyone who tried toescape.
He recounted with great emotion his memoryof hearing the screams, ofwatching terrified womenand children jump from the building, and of his own gunfire. One scene inparticular haunted him: adesperate father and motherjumping with a child withblack hair and dark eyes,only to be riddled withbullets.
The man kept talking,recounting a later battle,when he had been given
orders to shoot a similargroup of unarmed Jews.That time he wouldn’t orcouldn’t squeeze the trigger.As he froze in place, a shellexploded, giving him thewounds that were nowtaking his life.
His story told, hepleaded with Wiesenthal:
I cannot die . . . withoutcoming clean. This mustbe my confession. . . . I am left here with myguilt. In the last hours ofmy life you are with me.I do not know who youare, I only know thatyou are a Jew and that isenough. . . . I know thatwhat I have told you isterrible. In the longnights while I have beenwaiting for death, timeand time again I havelonged to talk about it to a Jew and begforgiveness from him.Only I didn’t knowwhether there were anyJews left. . . . I know
what I am asking isalmost too much for you, but without youranswer I cannot die in peace.1
Wiesenthal stood therein silence, wrestling withwhat he should do. “At lastI made up my mind, andwithout a word I left theroom.”
The officer died,unforgiven by a Jew. Butthat was far from the end of the story for Wiesenthal.He anguished about hisresponse. Had he made theright choice? He discussedit with his fellow prisonersin the death camp.
After the war he visited Karl’s mother inGermany, trying to judgethe authenticity of theyoung officer’s remorse.Finally, 20 years after theend of the war, Wiesenthal,now an international figureas a Nazi hunter, feltcompelled to write the story. He ended it with
two plaintive questions:“Was my silence at thebedside of the dying Naziright or wrong?” and “Whatwould you have done?”
Wiesenthal then sent thestory to theologians, moraland political leaders, andwriters for their answers tothose questions. The story,with 32 responses, waspublished in 1969 in a booktitled The Sunflower, whichwas then reissued yearslater with 32 new responsesand 11 retained or revisedfrom the first edition. Theresponses are fascinating.The vast majority ofcontributors agreed that Wiesenthal did the right thing. The Jewish respondents wereunanimous; Wiesenthal didnot have any obligation, oreven any right, to forgivethe man. Only the victims could forgive theperpetrator of such anatrocity, and the man didnot display the marks of
true repentance as definedby Jewish tradition, whichincludes reparation.
Others contended that the entire notion ofasking for and grantingforgiveness was dangerous.Herbert Marcuse, a Marxistphilosopher who was veryinfluential in the troubleddecades of the 60s and 70s, wrote:
One cannot, and shouldnot, go around happilykilling and torturing andthen, when the momenthas come, simply ask,and receive, forgiveness.In my view, thisperpetuates the crime. . . . I believe theeasy forgiving of suchcrimes perpetuates thevery evil it wants toalleviate.2
A few of those whoidentified themselves asChristians did suggest thatthe Christian ethic calledfor a person to forgive, even in such a situation.
A book such as TheSunflower takes the issue of forgiveness out of therealm of the idealistic andthe sentimental and makesus face the ugly realities oflife in a fallen world. Attimes, issues related toforgiveness becomeanything but theoretical.Anytime I stand before acongregation to proclaimGod’s Word, I know that in the congregation thereare marriages that willdisintegrate if some do not find a way to forgive,families that will unravel,friendships that willcollapse, and groups thatwill split. I also know thatsome listeners have beendone great evil by marriage partners, parents,employers or employees,supposed friends, orcomplete strangers. And I know that you may bereading this bookletbecause you feel a deepneed to forgive or to be
forgiven. Others havewatched sadly as a friend’slife has unraveled over aninability or unwillingness toforgive or to admit the needof forgiveness.
In recent years,researchers have devoted a great deal of attention toquestions of forgiveness.Much of their work, done in purely secular terms, isextraordinarily helpful. It is not hard to see theescalating damage causedby unforgiveness on thelarge scale of internationalcrises in the Middle East,the Balkans, Ireland, andthe subcontinent of India-Pakistan. But researchershave also documented thatunforgiven or unforgivingpeople have higher rates of
stress-related disorders,cardiovascular disease, and clinical depression, as well as lower immunesystem function and higherdivorce rates. Unforgivenessis deadly, in more waysthan one!
But what doesforgiveness look like? Is it something we doautomatically? Do we do itimmediately? Is it a singleact or a process? Do wewait until we feel ready toforgive? Do we require theother person to repent, or isforgiveness personal andinternal, something we dofor ourselves? If we forgive,does that mean we mustimmediately return to apersistently abusiverelationship? These and a host of other practicalquestions require goodanswers. As always, thebest answers begin to comewhen we listen carefully tothe master Forgiver, ourLord Jesus.
statement aboutforgiveness found on thelips of Jesus is recorded inLuke 17:3-4. His wordsdeserve careful attentionand need to be read in the larger context of verses 1-10:
Jesus said to Hisdisciples: “Things thatcause people to sin arebound to come, but woeto that person throughwhom they come. Itwould be better for him to be thrown into the seawith a millstone tiedaround his neck than forhim to cause one of theselittle ones to sin. Sowatch yourselves. If your brother sins,rebuke him, and if herepents, forgive him. If he sins against youseven times in a day,
and seven times comesback to you and says,‘I repent,’ forgive him.”The apostles said to theLord, “Increase ourfaith!” He replied, “If youhave faith as small as amustard seed, you cansay to this mulberry tree,‘Be uprooted and plantedin the sea,’ and it willobey you. Suppose one of you had a servantplowing or looking afterthe sheep. Would he sayto the servant when hecomes in from the field,‘Come along now and sitdown to eat’? Would henot rather say, ‘Preparemy supper, get yourselfready and wait on mewhile I eat and drink;after that you may eatand drink’? Would hethank the servant becausehe did what he was toldto do? So you also, whenyou have done everythingyou were told to do,should say, ‘We are
unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ ” In Luke 17, Jesus was
setting forth kingdom valuesfor His followers. Strikingly,His message was builtaround a warning: “So
watch yourselves” (v.3). On the one hand, we needto guard against causingothers to sin. On the otherhand, we need to resist thetemptation to keep thosewho have sinned against
us in an emotional penaltybox, making them serveendless hard time for theiroffenses.
The message is not especially hard tounderstand, but it ispenetrating and convicting.In fact, the statement aboutforgiving seven times a daywas so counterintuitive thatit caused the Lord’s hearersto cry out: “Increase ourfaith!” (v.5). The disciplesinstinctively knew that theycould obey the Lord’sdirections only bydepending on Him.
TRUE FORGIVENESSBEGINS BYDEALING WITH SIN HONESTLYThe Lord’s initial words are deceptively simple: “Ifyour brother sins, rebukehim” (v.3). But they areextremely important andcommunicate at least threefoundational aspects to the
8
We need to resistthe temptation tokeep those who
have sinned againstus in an emotional
penalty box,making them serveendless hard timefor their offenses.
giving and receiving offorgiveness. Jesus was notgiving us a simple recipethat we are to follow in rotefashion, but He was givingus the essentials that mustbe present.
Define The OffenseCarefullyFirst, we must define theoffense carefully: “If yourbrother sins . . . .” The useof the term brother puts thisin the context of kingdomrelationships and reminds usthat the primary place whereforgiveness needs to be livedout is within the communityof faith, the band of Christ-followers who are called toobey and imitate their Lord.This is not to suggest thatthe Lord’s words do notapply outside the church; it is to say that they are offirst importance within thechurch. Christians, morethan any others, are toforgive one another. That, of course, applies with
special force to Christianmarriages, families, andchurches.
Equally important is the obvious, but essential,recognition that the LordJesus was talking about sin,specifically about someonewho “sins against you”(v.4). This must not bepassed over quickly. Manythings may irritate, annoy,or upset us about someoneelse. Those things mayrequire enduring; they donot involve forgiving.
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Many things mayirritate, annoy, orupset us aboutsomeone else.
Sometimes we feel that someone has wrongedus. But the truth is thatjealousy, insecurity, orambition easily distort ourperspective. In the Bible,Miriam was jealous ofMoses, and Saul of David,but in neither case was thefeeling justified. Someonedisagreeing with us orhurting our feelings doesnot necessarily bring us intothe realm of forgiveness.Not all wounds are createdequal, which is whyProverbs 27:6 tells us that “wounds from a friendcan be trusted, but anenemy multiplies kisses.”Forgiveness operates in therealm of sin, when there isviolation of God’s standardsof behavior in my relationwith another.
Forgiveness neverminimizes the reality of sin.This means that forgivenesscannot mean ignoring thereality of evil. Forgivenesscannot be our first
response. John Ensorreminds us of the priority of wise love, as he vividlyportrays the foolishness ofsome suggested responsesto evil:
If I come across a man raping a woman, Icannot love both of themin the same way. . . .Love is inherently moral in character anddemands a moral forcethat is as much opposingas it is defending. I can’tgo up to the struggling,terrorized woman andthe overpoweringassailant and say, “I loveyou both just the same,and so does God. Hedoesn’t want you toharm this girl, but pleasedon’t think He is angryat you right now.Because God is love, Hedoesn’t get mad. Isn’tsuch love amazing?” Thewoman would denouncemy love as sick andworthless, even cowardly
and evil. She wouldknow that love musthave a passionatecommitment to right overwrong. It must be willingto vindicate and disarm;to reward and to punish.To act in love in thissituation I must hatewhat the attacker isdoing and push himaside, scream my lungsout for help, grab thewoman, and run.3
Therefore, forgivenessdoesn’t involve excusing anact. If it can be excused, itneeds to be understood, not forgiven. Forgiveness isabout the inexcusable. Nordoes forgiveness involveignoring or denying sin,turning a blind eye to themisdeeds of another, orpretending it didn’t happen.Such a response indulgessin, rather than dealing withit surgically by the hardwork of forgiveness. Bykeeping it in the darkness,we allow the evil to remain
unchallenged, puttingothers at risk.
Forgiveness is nottrivializing sin, trying to putit in the best possible light.C. S. Lewis said it well:
Real forgiveness meanssteadily looking at thesin, the sin that is leftover without any excuse,after all allowances havebeen made, and seeing itin all its horror, dirt,meanness, and malice.4
The Lord was not talkingabout burying sin, underthe naïve assumption that
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Forgiveness doesn’tinvolve ignoring ordenying sin, turning
a blind eye to the misdeeds of another, orpretending it
“time heals all wounds.”Untended wounds do notautomatically heal. As MarkMcMinn says, “Time healsclean wounds. Soiledwounds fester and infect.”5
The same thing happensboth in our inner being andin our relationships whenwe attempt to suppress thesins done to us. Thosedenied offenses have a wayof continuing to pump theirpoison into the systemswhere they live.
Note that the Savior wasnot talking about simplyforgetting sin, as issuggested by the naïvecliché “forgive and forget.”Often such an idea gains
credence by quoting thebiblical idea that God“forgets” our sins. Thatlanguage is certainly used,for example, in Hebrews10:17,
Their sins and lawlessacts I will remember no more.But we must not misread
that to mean that our sinsare somehow erased fromGod’s memory. If so, Hecould hardly be the all-knowing God! He wouldknow almost nothing ofhuman history. How couldHe have inspired the Bible,which graphically recordsthe failures of even thegreatest of saints? He didn’tforget their sins; Herecorded them so that allfuture generations wouldknow about them and learnfrom them.
So when God says thatHe does not remember oursins, it means that He doesnot remember them againstus, that He does not treat
us on the basis of our sins.Besides, our minds do notfunction like computerswith their convenient“delete” function. We doremember the bad thingsothers have done to us. Thecentral issue is not that Iforget, but what I do when Iremember how the personhas wronged me. GregoryJones puts it well:
It is largely a mistake tosay, “Forgive and forget.”Rather, the judgment of grace enables us,through the power of the Holy Spirit, toremember well. When God promises to “blot out [Israel’s]transgressions” and “notremember [Israel’s] sins”(Isa. 43:25; see also Jer. 31:34), God is notsimply letting bygones bebygones. Rather, God istestifying to God’s owngracious faithfulness.6
It is possible that wegenuinely do not remember
what someone has doneagainst us. On the onehand, that may mean thatthe incident was relativelytrivial, hardly amounting tothe level of an act requiringforgiveness. On the other,the human mind cansometimes deal withprofound pain by hiding it in some deep recess ofone’s being.
About such “forgetting,”Lewis Smedes wisely writes:
The pains we dare notremember are the mostdangerous of all. We fearto face some horriblethings that once hurt us,and we stuff it into theblack holes of ourunconsciousness wherewe suppose it cannothurt us. But it onlycomes back disguised; itis like a demon wearingan angel’s face. It layslow for a while only toslug us later, on the sly.7
remembering. It isimportant that we do not make a simplisticconnection betweenforgiving and forgetting.True forgiveness requires acareful look at what hasactually happened to us.
Perhaps here, in thisdiscussion of defining theoffense, we should brieflynote two things that aresaid about forgiveness: first,that we may need to forgiveGod; second, that we needto forgive ourselves.
I don’t want to quibbleabout words, but it’sextremely important that wethink clearly about this firstpoint. Forgiveness alwaysinvolves sin. Because Godcan never sin, it is alwayswrong to speak aboutforgiving Him; He has not,cannot, and will not eversin against us. I have metmany people who blameGod for what has happenedto them, but the blame ismisplaced. Behind it is the
sense that we are somehowentitled to some things fromHis hand. We may need tocome to terms with whatthe sovereign God haspermitted in our lives. Wemay even feel the need tovent our anger to God orour disappointment withhow He is working.
The Psalms, the book of Job, and the writings of Jeremiah carry manyillustrations of suchoutbursts. But in nearlyevery case the writer followswith an acknowledgmentthat his anger is misplaced.The language of forgivenessdoes not apply. Faith does not mean that wenecessarily understandGod’s ways or purposes, butit does mean that we are totrust His goodness andsubmit to His purposes.
The concept of “forgivingmyself” is somewhatdifferent. Logically, if I havesinned, I am the offender,the perpetrator, not the
victim of my actions.Clearly I have no moralright to “forgive myself” forwhat I have done. On theother hand, my actionshave harmed me, becausesin always boomerangs. The harm may be severe, and I may feel a combination of guilt,shame, disappointment,and anger at myself. When people speak aboutforgiving themselves, theynearly always are talkingabout alleviating suchfeelings. Let me make a fewobservations about this.
First, such talk oftencarries the underlyingassumption that I,somehow, am better thanother people and should beabove such behavior. Thereis a significant element ofpride in this. (“I can seewhy others would do this,but not why I would.”)
Second, there is dangerof turning forgivenessinward, so that my focus is
on how I feel rather than on what I have done. Mygoal should be deeprepentance and charactertransformation more thanemotional release.
Third, and mostimportant, what I need to develop is a robustconfidence in God’sforgiveness and a gratefulreception of the forgivenessof the other person. I do notneed to forget what I havedone as much as I need toface what I have done,
building a firewall ofprotection againstrecurrence and walking in self-doubt.
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I do not need to forget what I have done asmuch as I need
Thank God that genuine repentance andGod’s forgiveness do bringthe restoration of joy!When David, in Psalm32:1, writes, “Blessed is hewhose transgressions areforgiven,” his joy comes notfrom the fact that he hasforgiven himself, but thatGod has forgiven him.
Confront The SinCourageouslyThe second implication of the Lord’s words is thatwe must confront the sincourageously. When theLord commands, “If yourbrother sins, rebuke him”(Lk. 17:3), He is clearlytelling us that we must hold people accountable for their behavior. Thisobviously requires that we have carefully andprayerfully determined thatthe other person’s behavioris truly sinful. In such acase, we are not called to ignore the behavior
or simply to endure it. Theword the Lord uses calls us“to speak seriously, to warn, to challenge.”
I don’t think it’s possibleto overstate the importanceof this step. It means that Iam to speak to the persondirectly, not about him toothers. We are not tocriticize or to nurse grudges.Instead we are to confronthonestly the offender withthe sin involved in hisbehavior. This introduces a very important distinctiveof biblical forgiveness. It’snot simply an internalprocess that I engage in formy own sake; it is also aninterpersonal process that I engage in for the largergood of both the otherperson and the communityin which we participate. Toforgive without confrontingshort-circuits the process.
The goal of suchconfrontation is not toexpress our anger or to get something off our
chests, but to bring aboutrepentance, restoration, andreconciliation. It also is forthe benefit of others whowill be victimized if thisbehavior is not challengedfor what it is.
In calling us to thisbehavior, Jesus is reflectingthe instructions of the OldTestament, such as thosefound in Leviticus 19:17-18,
Do not hate your brotherin your heart. Rebukeyour neighbor frankly soyou will not share in his
guilt. Do not seek revengeor bear a grudge againstone of your people, butlove your neighbor asyourself. I am the Lord. Most of us will find the
Lord’s words tremendouslychallenging. When we havebeen mistreated, the lastthing we want to do is toface the offender. It’s mucheasier to complain abouthim to others or to bear thewrong in silence while weavoid and withdraw, orperhaps to put on a goodpublic face, despite whatwe are feeling inside. We have an instinctive fear of the potentialunpleasantness ofconfrontation, and werealize that going to theother person may resemblewalking through a fieldstrewn with landmines. But the Lord leaves us no option. He calls us to the risky business ofchallenging the personabout his sin.
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The goal ofconfrontation is
not to express ouranger or to get
something off ourchests, but to bringabout repentance,restoration, andreconciliation.
Honesty requires us to admit that some peopleenthusiastically jump on acommand like this. Theyseem to relish the task ofrebuking others for theirsins and shortcomings. Ifwe enjoy the prospect ofrebuking people for theirsin, we need to rememberthat the Lord Jesuscondemns a judgmental,critical spirit. But do notmiss the point: Trueforgiveness requires anhonest confronting of sin.Anything less cheapens andshort-circuits the process.
Confront The Sin ProperlyAlthough the Lord does notexpand on the process ofrebuking here in Luke 17,in the light of what Heteaches elsewhere we needto understand a thirdfoundational aspect: Wemust confront the sinproperly. In a closelyrelated passage in
Matthew 18:15, Jesus gaveadditional teaching:
If your brother sinsagainst you, go and show him his fault, justbetween the two of you. If he listens to you, youhave won your brotherover.
It has become common to emphasize the therapeutic benefits offorgiveness. Lewis Smedeswrites of “our need toforgive for our own sakes.Every human soul has aright to be free from hate,and we claim our rightfulinheritance when we forgive people who hurt us deeply.”8 Another writer
goes so far as to say, “Make a commitment toyourself to do what youhave to do to feel better.Forgiveness is for you andnot for anyone else.”9
I do not want to denythe therapeutic benefits offorgiving another or missthe obvious point that, ifthe other person rejects mygift of forgiveness, I am theonly one to benefit by theprocess. But we do need todecentralize it. Forgivenessmust not be reduced to a simply internal andpersonal process. It’s notjust about me. The LordJesus did not forgive us forHis sake, but for ours! AndI must remember, walkingin the steps of His love, thatforgiveness is not “for meand not for anyone else.”Although it certainlybenefits me in a host ofways, it is not just about meand my healing. The hopeis to gain my brother, thevery one who wronged me,
to bring him back tospiritual health too. It isalso about the larger good:the protection of others andthe promotion of thecommunity’s well-being.
Before we move on, weneed to return to the wordthe Lord used, which istranslated “rebuke.” Thestandard Greek lexicondefines it as follows:“express strong disapprovalof someone, rebuke, reprove,censure; also speak seriously,warn in order to prevent anaction or bring one to anend.”10 It’s a strong word,but it reminds us that there are times when it isappropriate to inflict pain.This stands against theideas of many. One writersuggests: “This then is totalforgiveness: not wanting ouroffenders to feel guilty orupset with themselves forwhat they did and showingthere is a reason God let it happen.”11 He alsosuggests that because many
of the people who have hurtus will not believe that theyhave done anything wrongat all (an observation I’msure is completely true), we should usually forgivethem in our hearts and say nothing to them.
I think that hissuggestion is sentimental,but not scriptural. It’sclearly wrong to “confront”someone with a goal ofhurting that person. That’srevenge, not constructiveconfrontation. But the Lordinsists that I am to confronthim.
Furthermore, it strikesme as somewhat dangerousto give the reason “Godmay have let it happen.”Although we occasionallymay be able to discern this (as Joseph did inGenesis 50:20), such talk is significantly out of placebefore the person hasrepented (as the brothershad, in the Genesispassage).
Several passages do giveus a handle on how weshould approach a sinningbrother and how best to goabout “speaking the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15).• We should do it
privately, not publicly.“If your brother sinsagainst you, go andshow him his fault, justbetween the two of you”(Mt. 18:15).
• We should do it humbly andrepentantly, notarrogantly and self-righteously. “Why doyou look at the speck ofsawdust in your brother’seye and pay no attentionto the plank in your owneye? How can you say toyour brother, ‘Let metake the speck out ofyour eye,’ when all thetime there is a plank inyour own eye? Youhypocrite, first take theplank out of your owneye, and then you will
see clearly to remove the speck from yourbrother’s eye” (Mt. 7:3-5).
• We should do itspiritually, notcarnally. “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who arespiritual should restorehim gently. But watchyourself, or you also maybe tempted” (Gal. 6:1).
• We should do itreluctantly, not gleefully.
• We should do itrestoratively, notpunitively.
TRUE FORGIVENESSREQUIRES THEOFFENDER TO OWN SINREPENTANTLYThe Lord’s next phrase inLuke 17:3 tells me not onlyhow I am to respond if Ihave been sinned against,but also how I am to
respond if I have been theoffender. The simple wordscontain a wealth ofsignificance: “and if herepents . . . .”
The way I respond to thecourageous confrontation ofsomeone who cares enoughto challenge the sinfulbehavior in which I haveengaged is character-defining. In fact, the bookof Proverbs makes it clearthat my response toappropriate rebuke is an index of my wisdom.One of the best-knownverses in Proverbs (9:10) is introduced by Solomon’sdescription of the responseto rebuke:
Whoever corrects amocker invites insult;whoever rebukes a wickedman incurs abuse. Do notrebuke a mocker or hewill hate you; rebuke awise man and he will loveyou. Instruct a wise manand he will be wiser still;teach a righteous man
and he will add to hislearning. The fear of theLord is the beginning ofwisdom, and knowledgeof the Holy One isunderstanding (9:7-10).Genuine repentance
goes deeper than apology or the expression of regret.The biblical words describea change of mind thatproduces a change ofdirection. Repentanceinvolves more than a feelingof wrongdoing or regret, andproduces more than anapology.
Suppose that on a visit to my home, you
accidentally spill somethingon my new carpet. Clearlyyou ought to apologize. But you would not need to repent. Or suppose yourealize you should end aromantic relationship. Youwill almost certainly hurtthe other person. This maycause regret. And you mayneed to apologize for theawkward way you handledthe breakup. But thebreakup itself does notrequire repentance(although wrong behaviorin the relationship may!). As I pointed out earlier(pp.9-11), if someone hashurt me, that does notnecessarily mean theperson needs to repent.Repentance is the way wedeal with sin. It is deeperthan regret, because itinvolves a determination tochange. But repentance canbe genuine, even if it doesnot instantly producecomplete change. After all, Luke 17:4 suggests
someone could repentseven times in a day! Alsonote that the repentancedescribed here is not merelyfelt, it is expressed (if he“comes back to you andsays, ‘I repent’ . . .”).
It’s important torecognize that withoutrepentance, the process is broken. The Lord Jesussaid, “If he repents, forgivehim.” True forgiveness flowstoward repentance. Theideal is clear: I am sinnedagainst; I confront theoffender; he sincerelydeclares his repentance; I declare my forgiveness.That is the way it’ssupposed to work.
The fact is, however, that sin contaminateseverything. Too many times,there is no repentance.Sometimes the offender willnot admit the sin, no matterhow clear the facts. (“Ididn’t do anything wrong.”)Sometimes he has no regretfor the sin. In fact, he may
celebrate the evil he has done. (“You had itcoming.”) At other times,the person cannot repentbecause he has died or istoo ill to respond. What dowe do then? Do we forgiveanyway, even when theoffense sits there, like ahuge elephant, in themiddle of the relationship?We need to let go of theoffense, even when theother person won’t. Romans12:19 says, “Do not takerevenge, my friends, butleave room for God’s wrath,for it is written: ‘It is Mineto avenge; I will repay,’ saysthe Lord.” That processtakes us beyond Luke 17:3-4. In this context, Jesusdoes not tell us to declareour forgiveness to anunrepentant offender. Infact, were we immediatelyto forgive this unrepentantperson, we may well onlyharden his conscience andaccelerate the repetition ofthe sin.
TRUE FORGIVENESS IS GIVENGRACIOUSLY ANDGENEROUSLYThe Lord Jesus does notturn aside to discuss thecase of the unrepentant.His command is clear: If he repents, forgive him. Toforgive is to wipe the slateclean, graciously to cancel a debt. The word for forgivethat Jesus uses has variousmeanings. It means “to setfree, release” and in certaincontexts “to wipe away,release.” A forgiven personhas been set free from hispast behavior and had hisrecord wiped clean.
The Lord underlined the amazing nature offorgiveness by His words of clarification in Luke 17:4,“If he sins against youseven times in a day, andseven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’forgive him.” We canstumble on this if we
dwell on puzzling over howa person could truly repent,not merely apologize, seventimes a day.
Clearly the Lord was notencouraging cheap words ofregret, but He was sayingthat His followers are toimitate the amazing grace of God, which pursues us in the midst of our determined sinfulness andwaywardness. Forgivenessis not earned but given,and, in imitation of ourFather, it is to be givengenerously and graciously.
Notice that only thewronged party can forgive.On more than one occasionI have had people confessto me a sin that wasdirected against anotherperson or an organizationand then ask for myforgiveness. But if I’m not a party to the offense, howcan I forgive? I can assurethem, if they have dealtwith the matter biblically,that God has fully forgiven
them. If their actions insome way cast a shadowover me, I can forgive themfor that. But in most casesthe sin isn’t mine to forgive,and I need to direct them togo to those who are thevictims of their behavior.Forgiveness must comefrom those who have beenwronged, and we must becareful that we do notshort-circuit the processthat God intends in a desireto alleviate the pain of theperson who has come to us.
Jesus requires us toforgive the repentant. Toforgive is to win one’sbrother, to reclaim him from the bondage of sin. Itmeans to release the desireto get even or the “right” torequire him to pay for whathe has done. To forgive is to say, “You are free. Yourdebt is paid. I’ll pay; notyou.”
Forgiveness doesn’tmean forgetting toremember, but remembering
to forget. That sounds like a paradox, but it isn’t.We do remember what hashappened, probably everytime we meet the offender.
When I declare, “I forgiveyou,” I am not engaging inan act of willful amnesia. Iam committing myself notto treat you on the basis ofwhat you have done, eventhough I remember verywell what it was. Time may dull the pain, but it isunlikely ever to be erasedcompletely from memory.
Desmond Tutu, who ledthe nation of South Africathrough a national process
Forgiveness and beingreconciled are not aboutpretending that thingsare other than they are.It is not patting oneanother on the back and turning a blind eyeto the wrong.12
Forgiveness looks sin in the eye and neverthelessspeaks the costly words: “I forgive you.”
At the same time, wemust recognize thatforgiveness doesn’tnecessarily restore the statusquo. Forgiveness isn’t thesame as reconciliation.Forgiveness clears the ledger;it does not necessarilyinstantly rebuild trust.Forgiveness is given;reconciliation is earned.Forgiveness cancels alldebts, but it does noteliminate all consequences.This is extremely important.For example, a wife who hasbeen abused by her husband
may forgive him, but she isvery unwise to allow him toreturn to her home, unlessthere is clear evidence, overtime, of deep change. Ahusband may genuinely
forgive his adulterous wife,but that may not mean thatthe marriage can be restored.Reconciliation andforgiveness are related, but quite distinct.
In short, forgivenessinvolves both a choice anda process. True forgiveness
26
Forgiveness is given;
reconciliation is earned.
Forgiveness cancels all debts,but it does noteliminate all
cannot be reduced to asimple formula, but it isuseful to consider foursteps.
Face The FactsAs we have indicated,authentic forgivenessrequires that we identifywhat has happened. Here are four diagnosticquestions:• How serious was the
offense? All offenses are not created equal.Some things requireforbearance more thanforgiveness. If I turnevery offense into a Luke17 issue, I will devastatemy relationships with my intensity and self-absorption.
• How raw is the wound?This is not an issue oftime alone. It’s possiblethat I am “picking thescab” to keep it open.
• How close is the person?• How significant is the
relationship to me?
Feel The Feelings There’s a danger of “quickforgiveness,” a hasty verbaldeclaration that keeps me from processing theviolation involved. If we arein a period of emotionalnumbness or even denial,as we try to make sense of the violation we haveexperienced, we are in no condition to declare the work of forgivenessfinished. Ironically, ourdesire for quick closure may actually prolong theprocess. The other extremeis the temptation to “slowforgiveness,” an ongoing “Idon’t feel ready yet,” whichcan be a disguised way ofinflicting punishment on the offender, by consigninghim to an emotionalpurgatory. Between thesetwo extremes, there’s anappropriate time to grievethe loss of what might havebeen. This will be a griefmixed with anger over thewrong done to us. But that
anger, justified as it may be,must be carefully monitoredin view of the clearcommand: “ ‘In your angerdo not sin.’ Do not let thesun go down while you arestill angry” (Eph. 4:26).
Forgive By Making A Decision And ADeclarationForgiveness is ultimately anact of the will, not a stirringof the emotions. For aChrist-follower, it is achoice to obey God and let it go. This is an inwardchoice that produces adeclaration given, a promisespoken: “I forgive you.”When I speak those words,I declare that the issuebetween us is dead andburied. I’m saying that Iwill not rehearse it, reviewit, or renew it. When itcomes to my mind, I willtake it to the Lord and tothe foot of the cross, not to you.
There is an old story
of a man who complainedto his counselor: “Everytime we argue, my wife getshistorical.” “Do you meanhysterical?” “No. I meanhistorical. She drags upeverything I’ve ever donewrong!”
No. Saying “I forgiveyou” means I shut the dooron such behavior. Some ofmy saddest counselingexperiences have comewhen someone who
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When I say,“I forgive you,”I declare that
the issue betweenus is dead and
buried. I’m sayingthat I will notrehearse it,review it, or renew it.
declared, with apparentsincerity, “I forgive you,”later chose to go back andreopen the file on thewrongdoing. The violationof trust that occurred insuch cases made allattempts at reconciliationvirtually hopeless.
When I was 15 yearsold, I talked my dad intoletting me drive the carhome from church oneSunday. Unfortunately, Ilost control of the car at acorner and hit a light pole,doing hundreds of dollarsworth of damage to the car.I was both ashamed andafraid. As steam hissed outof the radiator, before weeven left the car, my fatherturned to me and said, “It’sokay, Gary. I forgive you.”Never once, for the rest ofmy life, was that event evermentioned by my father,even though it cost him agreat deal of money. (I didremind him of it years later,to thank him.) And he
gladly let me use the carwhen I did get my license.
That fender-bender wastruly an accident and notrelated to sinful behavior on my part. So technicallyspeaking, my dad didn’tneed to forgive me. But his words told me that hewouldn’t hold my failureagainst me. What awonderful thing it is to be forgiven, and not to beconstantly hit over the headwith your past failure!
Refresh ItForgiveness may be adecision but it is not a one-time decision. Iremember, when I hadforgiven someone who hadhurt me deeply, how much I struggled with my feelingsover the following days and weeks. I had said, “I forgive you,” and hadmeant it. But I had toremind myself repeatedlythat I needed to hold on tothat commitment. The sin
certainly wasn’t erased frommy memory; in fact, I had atendency to dwell on it, toruminate on it over andover. So I fought an inwardbattle, and it was only bycontinually bringing it tothe Lord and relying on His help that I could keepfrom bringing it out in theopen again. Otherwise, itbecomes what someone hascalled “hollow forgiveness,”a statement without anysubstance, if we go onharboring our grudges.
C. S. Lewis wiselyobserved, “To forgive for themoment is not difficult, butto go on forgiving, to forgivethe same offense every timeit recurs to the memory—that’s the real tussle.”13
Clarissa Pinkola Estes rightly observed,“Forgiveness has manylayers, many seasons. The important part offorgiveness is to begin andto continue. The finishing of it all is a life work.”14
I have foundencouragement in the story of Clara Barton, thenursing hero of the CivilWar and the first presidentof the American Red Cross.
A friend mentionedsomething cruel thatanother person had done to her and asked her,“Don’t you remember?”Barton’s answer is classic:“I distinctly rememberforgetting that.”
As Martin Luther King,Jr., said well, “Forgivenessis not an occasional act. Itis a permanent attitude.”That is why a declaration of forgiveness needs to be accompanied by acommitment to loving actstoward the forgiven person,regardless of how much westruggle with unlovingfeelings.
During World War II,Corrie ten Boom’s familyhad been caught hidingJews. She and her sisterwere sent to Ravensbruck,one of the Nazi deathcamps, where Corriewatched her sister andmany others die. In 1947,she went back to Germanyto preach the gospel.
In one of her meetings,Corrie had spoken aboutthe forgiveness of God.After the service, a long lineof people waited to talk toher. She saw, standing inline, a terribly familiarface—a man who had been
one of the cruelest guardsin the prison camp. As shesaw him, a score of painfulmemories flooded her mind. The man came up to her,stuck his hand out, andsaid, “A fine message,Fraulein. How good it is to know that all our sins are at the bottom of thesea.” Corrie didn’t take hishand but fumbled in herpurse. Her blood froze. Sheknew him, but he obviouslydidn’t recognize her. Thatwas understandable. Afterall, she was only onefaceless prisoner amongtens of thousands. Then he said: “You mentionedRavensbruck. I was a guardthere. But since then, Ihave become a Christian. Iknow God has forgiven thecruel things I did there, butI would like to hear it fromyour lips as well.” Again he stuck out his hand:“Fraulein, will you forgiveme?”
that had happened? Herhand wouldn’t move, yetshe knew that the Lordwanted her to forgive him.All she could do was cryinwardly: “Jesus, help me. I can lift my hand, butYou’ll have to do the rest.”Woodenly, mechanically,she raised her hand to takehis. She was acting out ofobedience and faith, notout of love. However, evenas she did, she experiencedGod’s transforming grace.She writes:
“I forgive you, brother!”I cried. “With all myheart!” For a longmoment we graspedeach other’s hands, theformer guard and theformer prisoner. I hadnever known God’s loveso intensely, as I didthen. But even then, Irealized it was not mylove. I had tried, and didnot have the power. Itwas the power of theHoly Spirit.15
1 Simon Wiesenthal, The Sunflower, rev.ed. (New York: Schocken, 1997), 53-54.2 Wiesenthal, The Sunflower, rev. ed.,198. 3 John Ensor, Experiencing God’sForgiveness (Colorado Springs: NavPress,1997), 66. 4 C. S. Lewis, The Business ofHeaven (San Diego, Calif.: Harcourt,1984), 62. 5 Mark R. McMinn, Why SinMatters (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale, 2004),161. 6 L. Gregory Jones, EmbodyingForgiveness (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans,1995), 147. 7 Lewis Smedes, Forgive andForget (San Francisco: HarperCollins,1984), 39. 8 Smedes, Forgive and Forget, 12–13. 9 Frederic Luskin, “Nine Steps to Forgiveness” fromwww.learningtoforgive.com/nine_steps_to_forgiveness.htm. 10 Walter Bauer andFrederick Danker, The Greek-EnglishLexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature. 3rd ed.[electronic version]. (Chicago: Universityof Chicago Press, 2000), loc. cit. 11 R. T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness (LakeMary, Fla.: Charisma House, 2002), 54.12 Desmond Tutu, No Future WithoutForgiveness (New York: Doubleday,2000), 270. 13 C. S. Lewis, Letters toMalcolm, Chiefly on Prayer (San Diego,Calif.: Harcourt, 1991), 27. 14 Cited inUna Kroll, Forgive and Live (London:Mowry, 2000), 111. 15 Corrie ten Boomwith Jamie Buckingham, Tramp for theLord (Fort Washington, Pa.: ChristianLiterature Crusade, 1974), 57.
hThis booklet is excerpted fromForgiveness by Gary Inrig, which ispublished by Discovery HousePublishers, a member of the RBCMinistries family. Gary is a graduateof Dallas Theological Seminary andcurrently pastors Trinity EvangelicalFree Church in Redlands, California.
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