MEET THE WRITERS...

Arwa Alfayez A great believer in learning from Saudi Arabia,Master degree student in Reading Education,Love to try new ways of writing,Enjoy reading.I am a tree that will never stop growing No matter how slow I grow I will yield

Chen Chen A funny girl from China,Second year master student in German studies,Have been teaching German since 2010 at Mizzou,Travelling and reading are my hobbies.

Cheng Zhang A Chinese girl who loves teaching.Second year of my master in TESOL at the College of Education.Teaching Chinese to three children at weekends.Working at Campus Dining Service.Enjoying creative writing.

Eka Putra Have been living in Columbia since 2005. Received my B.S. in Finance from University of Indonesia. Earned my M.B.A. from Columbia College. Second year Ph.D. student at MU in Department of Hospitality Management. Work as an RA and a TA. Writing is not something I am passionate about but this class (Creative Writing Workshop) has helped me to think out of the box.

MEET THE WRITERS...

Enzhan Song Hi, this is Enzhan Song. I tell everybody call me Steve. I’m a Masters student works in Division of Plant Science, trying to graduate this summer. I came here in the fall of 2009, before that I got my BS degree from a joint program initiated by both Beijing Forestry University and Michigan State University. Be honest, I was lured to this class by its title at beginning: ‘Hey, I come here for my thesis!’. Well, right now I’m rooting for this class. As a huge Sci-fi fan, I got my first short Sci-fi story done, which has been one of my ‘must do’ things for years! Join us if you can.

Eunjoo Lee A mom of two kids, from Seoul, KoreaSecond semester of M.S. in Textile and Apparel ManagementHave been living in Columbia, Missouri for a yearWorked as a Tax accountant at a small accounting firm in KoreaLove Hemingway and Fitzgerald more than anyone else.

Hui-yen Huang 

A child, a mom, a wife, and a grad student in Columbia, MO where far away from my lovely home country, Taiwan. With two master’s degree, in Communication and in Higher Education Administration, I am ready for my next career step. GO!

MEET THE WRITERS...

Ignacio Idoate A native of the Basque region of Northern Spain.  I completed my education in this country.  After graduating from veterinary school, I owned and operated my own mixed animal veterinary practice for 14 years in Eastern Montana.  I decided to leave the riches behind to pursue a specialty in Food Animal Internal Medicine and Surgery at MU in an attempt to satiate my thirst for constant knowledge.  I am hoping to pursue a career in higher education when my training here is done.  I took this class to stimulate my non-artistic side of my brain.  Without a doubt it has been an incredibly positive and rewarding experience.  Hope to some day write a compilation of memoirs from my time as a vet in private practice.

Jie Gao A "sunshine" girl from Southern China,Born in Huangshan, a tourism city.Happened to major in Tourism for college,Luckily came to Mizzou for pursuing M.S. degree in Tourism.For academic dream,The girl will continue researching in the field.Love life,Using words to record;Love traveling,Putting every beauty into eyes;Love food,Tasting the nature;Love families and friends,Giving back my thanks.

Laura Kim Lucky Korean girl studying fashion history which is full of fun and amazeArtist wannabe and will-beUgly for others can be pretty for LauraReady for dancing if there is any musicAdventure of Laura has been exciting and become more interesting after coming to Mizzou!

MEET THE WRITERS...

Lin Li Originally come from southeast China,Worked in Shanghai as a TV assistant editor,M.S. in Parks, Recreation and Tourism,Showing an artistic side in painting and photography,And, love day dreaming…

Lingyuan Zhang

I come from Beijing, China. I graduated from Beijing Institute of Fashion Technology. This is my first year as a graduate student in Textile and Apparel Management. To be part of this creative writing seminar deeply inspires my poem writing.

Sirinat Sriumporn

I am original from Thailand, a small country in South East Asia. I have been here for my Ph.D in nursing at Sinclair School of Nursing, the University of Missouri. Writing is the most difficult part of my study. However, being a part of this Writing Workshop class made me think thoughtfully and imaginably, especially, when I read my writing out loud!

Tianyu Liu I come from China. My name, Tianyu, means sky and universe. It seems that I am destined to major in physics. I came to Mizzou in 2008 Fall. At close to my graduation, I realized that I use my right-half brain all the time and need a break, so I choose this workshop. Jill and Jinju make each class very friendly and efficient. Gradually, I feel that writing is so easy that all you have to do is to follow your heart and flow your stories through words.

MEET THE WRITERS...

Tie Nie A big boy from China,First year in Columbia,Loving sport, loving tourism.Dreaming touring around the world, with my wife.Not good at writing, but still try my best.

Wen Zhang I come from the northern part of China, graduated from China Agricultural University in 2011. Now I am studying as the first year master student on Food Science. Because of my scientific study for 4 years, I totally forgot how to do creative writing, how to express my feeling by beautiful words in both Chinese and English. Being a part of Writing Workshop gives me an opportunity to write for myself again. Don’t be afraid to use a foreign language. Just say whatever you want by your pen and words. You will have fun from that!

Wenxu Xu Wenxu is a rising third year at the University of Missouri-Columbia Department of Educational, School, and Counseling Psychology, where he is pursuing his doctoral studies in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis on International Development. He received his B.A. in Japanese Studies from China and M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy from the bay area, San Francisco. He is interested in human rights and mental health advocacy. At his leisure, he enjoys creative writing, watching animation, and spending time with family/friends.

Witriani Soegijardjo

     A              Not            so    simple  soul            who  has  lost  their  thirst                              to            write                        and    read    although    some4mes                    they    s4ll              find  reading  as  a  be8er  way    to  see          the    world        apart                    from                  their  journey    to  pursue      a    PhD              at                    the                            home          of  the  Tigers.

Contents ~

Advice

To Be a Super Soccer Fan………………………… Tie NieEating Buffet101…………………………… Cheng ZhangThree Simple Strategies How to Get to Know Your Neighbor... Eka PutraAdvice to a Young Man…………………………… Eunjoo LeeTV: Trick or Treat………………………………… Tianyu LiuKeeping Fit………………………………… Wenxu Xu

Letters

No More Handwriting…………………………………. Chen ChenA Letter from Mr. Allergy……………………………… Hui-yen HuangThank You!………………………………….… Jie Gao

Journeys

My Journey……………………………………………. Eka PutraThe Other Side of the Coin………………………………. Ignacio Idoate

Poetry

Secret in the Library……………………….. Wen ZhangDiversity………………………..…………… Hui-yen HuangWindow………………………..………… Li LinThe Other Shore………………………..…… Lingyuan ZhangUniversal PINK Universal LOVE…………… Sirinat SriumpornTrapped…………………………………… Arwa Alfayez home………………………..………….. Witriani Soegijardjo怀瑾………………………..………….. Wen ZhangEuskal Herria………………………..… Ignacio Idoate

Experiential Essays

Claiming the Clouds of Imagination………………… Arwa AlfayezReading the Language of God ………………… Lingyuan ZhangA Realm of Objects…………………… Laura KimI Just Hate.…………………………… Cheng ZhangLove May Go, But Memory Remains.………… Eunjoo LeeThe Forbidden Room……………….………… Tianyu Liu

爱非即表…………….………….… Li Lin

SMI, Can it be Overcome?……… Wenxu XuYes, Mom!…………………… Jie GaoLimitation……………….…… Enzhan SongYou See! Fish!………………. Tie NieBeing a Nurse……………….………… Sirinat Sriumporn

浪与宅……………….………….……. Chen Chen

Fiction

Awake…………………………………… Enzhan Song 뇌의 대화…………………………………. Laura Kim

Shadow……………………………………… Witriani Soegijardjo

To Be Super Soccer Fan Tie Nie

This is what exactly we super fans are —applause, cheer up, being excited and even insane for our love — soccer. We are die hard！We are the twelfth man of our team！We ultimately all speak one language, the language of soccer.

We live with soccer together, from the bottom of our heart, we are die hard! We are not fair weather fan, those who only attach with their team when it performs well and abandon it suddenly when it’s in hard period. Our duty is not only attend matches as often as we can, but also to engage emotionally with the team in order to impact positively on its performance. Attending away games is an important ritual for us, which shows vividly our dedication of our faith to our love. Demonstrating our own knowledge in the presence of others also identifies our absolute priority to be a “real” one of our loved team.

We are the 'twelfth man' of our team, exerts the same essential function to the success of the team as the players and coaches. Chants, songs, banner or fans waving, all of which are our effective weapon, motivating our team, intimidating the opposition players, and perhaps even influencing referees' decisions. We truly believe we must attend the game to 'help the team to win', not just to watch the event.

We enjoy sharing our experiences with our family members, especially across generations. We have a lasting sense of tradition and belonging because of soccer. The strongest of these relationships is that of father and son. Most of us become fans because our fathers would take us to matches when we were children, many seniors still retain strong memories of those formative experiences. It is also an important means for us to form and maintain strong friendships that might otherwise not exist, cause we share the special experience which we believe only belongs to our group, we communicate with our language we think only can be took the hint by ourselves. Such bonds are so solid that we call each other 'my brotherhood'.

We own strong identity of nation, state, and community. We unite together through soccer. Whether games between local clubs, national clubs or on an international stage, we are strictly devoted to our team and identify with our belonging group. There is always high level of elation and depression around us following a win and a loss, since wee live and breathe for our team. It is soccer that provides opportunities to affirm our commitments to beliefs, values, and myths that underlie our culture.

All in all, we dedicate our emotion to the soccer for our whole life, and we deserve it! We are committed and united together. We share experience and get identity with each other. We love what is worthy being loved, and add chapters to the legacy of our team!

Eating Buffet 101

by

Cheng Zhang

Have you ever felt as if you were so hungry that you could eat a horse but ended up eating so fast that you got full too soon?

I have some strategies for eating in a buffet so this won’t happen to you anymore.

Tip 1: Get ready. Don’t eat anything four hours before heading to a buffet, nothing at all except for water. It sounds crazy, but what does a buffet mean to you? Eat as much as you can; choose whatever you want. Trust me. Once I had a small latte before going to a buffet, I didn’t have a good enough appetite for the buffet.

Tip 2: Warm up. A lot of people choose soda but I don’t recommend that. It’s easier to be full because of carbonation. I always order a 20 oz. glass of water. From my experience, food in a buffet tends to be oily and salty which does taste better but not healthy. Therefore, water helps weaken the strong flavor. Remember, don’t drink too much. Then, I will take a few veggies or salads which are light and don’t cost so much energy to digest. Now, your stomach starts working.

Tip 3: Go for it. Take smaller plates at each walk through. This way, you give your stomach a chance to digest a little bit after each eating. You may also use the restroom once or twice. Make sure to keep a balance of meat, seafood and veggie. Don’t be silly. Put the lettuce down! It only costs three bucks for a whole package in Wal-Mart. Grab something expensive like seafood and something you don’t usually cook at home. For example, I choose teppan-yaki every time I go to an Asian buffet since I don’t have a hot plate and so much sauce.

Tip 4: Heads up. Stay away from starchy food like rice, noodle, bread, pizza, etc. If you really like them, take less at least. But if that kind of food is the reason you eat in a buffet, go ahead. I’m crazy about sushi but I just take two or three pieces, too much rice in it. Also, it’s by no means wise to eat a lot of fried stuff. The crunchy, dehydrated food makes you drink much more water. Don’t wolf down the food like you haven’t eaten for a couple of days. Take it slow, chat with friends and enjoy the food. Feel free to have a debate during eating if you want. It may largely enhance the work of the stomach. Try it!

Tip 5: Wrap up. I’m almost done. Honestly, even if I’m pretty full, I don’t want to stop eating. Stand up and walk the last round. Don’t forget dessert and fruit which may refresh your mouth and make a perfect ending as well.

How is your eating going? I can eat a horse for sure.

Three Simple Strategies How to Get to Know Your Neighbor By

Eka Putra  Getting to know your neighbors while living and studying in a different country is really important. Not only will it help you to improve your language skill and increase your self-confidence in speaking, but it will also help you learn a new culture. In most cases, your neighbors could be the one to help you when you run into a problem. However, getting to know your neighbor is not as easy as it may sound. It is a common problem for many international students because they don’t feel comfortable to talk to anybody due to language and culture barrier.

It was about 7 years ago when I came to the U.S. to continue my study. I didn’t know much about English and American culture. I had thought I would have some difficulties living in the US. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was wrong. It took me less than a month to overcome some of my difficulties. The important key was that I tried to get to know my neighbors as soon as I moved into my apartment. I interacted with them a lot. Even though it was not easy, I forced myself to do it. I would like to share three strategies that I applied when getting to know my neighbors.

Introduce yourself. Knock on your neighbors’ doors. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, catch them when they are leaving or coming home. Introducing yourself to your neighbors shows that you are friendly and willing to be social. Don’t forget to smile and look the person in the eye when you talk because eye contacts show that you are confident. You don’t want to take too much of their time, so make it short.

Greet your neighbors. This is a follow up action after introducing yourself. Greet your neighbors and start a conversation. It can be done when you meet your neighbors on the way to the parking lot or on the way to campus. Since you are new to the place, you can ask questions about the area you just moved into. For example, you might ask about how long he or she has been living there, whether he or she liked it or not and what is the neighborhood like, and so on. If he or she is a student, you also might ask about their school or semester. You might talk about weather, sports, or anything that you think they are interested in. But be careful with your questions and stay away from personal questions such as their age, relationship status. You might want to keep these questions for when you have talked to them regularly and knew them long enough. I usually start the conversation by asking how they are doing and then I will ask about the weather. If my neighbor is a man, I usually talk about sports because I like sports and I know most men do.

Last but not least, invite them to your apartment. When you feel comfortable talking with your neighbors and know them long enough, you might consider inviting them to your home. Since you don’t know American culture really well yet, ask them about the time and what do they expect you to provide. Or you can have a potluck party where each person will bring something that can be shared. You may talk to your neighbor about it. I did this after several weeks or months after I moved into my apartment by throwing a potluck party and they loved it.

So, if you want adjust to your new life in America better, these three simple steps will help you to get to know your neighbors as I have.  

Advice to a Young Man Lee, Eunjoo Dear John, my beloved nephew, Following this paragraph, I have summarized a sentence by Hemingway. It was from acceptance speech when he was awarded Nobel Prize in 1954. I was surprised and thrilled to find the speech because I received a very similar advice from one of my senior students, when I became a college freshman more than twenty years ago. My letter from now will be both as a form of advice and my own repentance about my adulthood as well. “If you will not work with your all might, others will do. In the end, they will defeat you in the race,

and take the prize from your grasp.” Hemingway’s address has been in many books for youngsters in Korea, you might have heard a similar version. I think the main contents were far away from what Hemingway really said because he didn’t say this sentence alone in his address. The main theme is also very different from his original intention, in that he didn’t want you, many youngsters to pursue success only in life. John, I would like to give you some more sincere advice, based on his address, and it is the main reason why I am writing this letter to you, my beloved nephew. I am adding to his advice some more advice that occurred to me. I assume that I am the right person to give you this kind of advice because I can be the one who is between you and your parents. In Korea, where it is notorious for the most severe competition of the entrance exam for universities, you are about to start your new life as a college man. I hope my sincere advice will give you some insights for your future life and it will be able to serve as the guidance to you.

The followings are what I’d like to add as my advice to Hemingway’s. The f irst advice is: “Have your rel igion.” The advice that I really want to give you, my nephew, is to “believe in God.” The god I mention is not confined to a specific God, such as Christianity but rather a more inclusive one. What I mean is that ‘we have to believe in an almighty existence, more powerful and much higher than human beings’. With this in mind, we can get along with all other living things including various races, and Mother Nature, etc, in a modest way. Modern humans like you and me have been educated to believe in what we can see and experience for ourselves as the name of science. Thus we are likely to despise what seems to be vague and obscure. I was, at one time, of the opinion that I couldn’t believe in God, because I didn’t witness Him with my own eyes. But I have been coming across for my life something that couldn’t be explicable with science. Thus, I realized that the world is composed of what is visible

and what is invisible together. There are many things that we human beings cannot explain using our languages. I expect you to understand that there is something more important than what we can see and touch around us, and to be more modest in your attitude towards everything. The second advice is: Be f lexible in your thought.” Flexibility in your thought cannot be emphasized too much. Among the people I have met since I was admitted to Seoul National University, I can count so many with my fingers who must have been intelligent and of competence that could not arrive at what they intended to, for the reason that they were not flexible in their thoughts and viewpoints. Their strictness can make people around them feel uncomfortable or even resent them. I hope you are not too obstinate or arrogant as to be set into your own opinions or to turn a deaf ear to what anyone else says to you. The third advice is: “Try to look at someone’s nature.” This is what I think is the most difficult thing as far as I am concerned. What I mean is to look into the inner truthfulness of someone rather than the superficial, outer appearance. When you are on the verge of adulthood, this is an important skill that you have to obtain. If you run after the skin-deep and superficial beauty only, you will get nowhere other than regrettable results in the near future. My peace in mind is sometimes disturbed by the thought that I lost so many opportunities, to meet more friends, to read more books and to study more various topics while I was in campus because I gave them up, lost in the prejudice that they were hard to understand, and they were not agreeable with me at the first glance. Don’t make any stereotypes in your mind as to someone and something at all only after you look at outer look. Don’t give up anything because it looks unprofitable now. No one knows which will be good to you at the first glance. Life is beautiful, I think, because it proves to be good or bad after you live up to the last day of your life. The fourth advice is: “Don’t run after success only.” The truth is that I can’t define what success means in my life in a concrete way. I can’t be clear as to what you should do to be successful in your life. What I like to say is that it depends on each person with regard to who is more successful and who is less successful. I have witnessed so many people who are said to be successful, that can’t get much respect from others because they are not generous to those poorer around them. And I have witnessed so many people, who have much privilege who are not thought highly of by others because they are so arrogant and willful. Can you say that these people are successful? A successful person is the one who is balanced in everything, who does his work with happiness, and who is confident in what he does with a healthy body and mind. Therefore, don’t run after success only. Success can’t be attainable without continuous efforts, as Hemingway said. You have only to make your own success according as you like to live. The f i f th advice is: “Don’t be too excited at your f irst success.” In Korea, the entrance exam to a privileged college is regarded as the first obstacle in your life,

even though it sounds ironic. You passed the first obstacle and became a college man. You might think that you can do everything if you are admitted into the college to which you were longing for being admitted. Life is long, as you have been told so many times. You are now starting your first step in your life, to choose your main course among so many paths before you. You might encounter more challenges in the time to come and you have to be prepared for them. Thus, don’t become overly confident for the first success you have just made. Don’t be carried away in triumph. A person will be stronger with getting over as many difficulties as possible and you will be more tempered with the adversities in your life. To be stronger you have to take for granted both obstacles and adversities. The sixth and the last advice is: “Be faithful to your connections.” I know how it is important to all of us to meet our life partners who will be along with us forever. But I also know how it is difficult to meet them because we can’t find them at first glance. As a result, I came to the firm conclusion that we should be faithful to our connections whether they are girls or boys until we find our life partner. More precisely, I’d like to advise you to wait for someone to come to you while you are making the efforts to be sincere. Don’t waste your feelings on many people as if they were your last one to be with you. All my six advice is what I want to give you at the moment. John, I hope they will be beneficial to you. Wish you good health and happiness. Sincerely yours, Your eldest aunt, in Columbia, Missouri. P.S.) John,

I am attaching the whole essay written by Hemingway, the writer I like most. Please read it and keep in mind that he is trying to give sincere advice like me.

“Advice to a young man”. By Earnest Hemingway. I consider ignorance the primary enemy of mankind. The worst fool in the world is the man who will admit nothing that he cannot see or feel or taste. And such a fool has no place for imagination or vision or faith.

Man is capable of various kinds of education. He is possessed of physical, social, religious, intellectual, and moral capabilities. Each requires education. The education of all makes him complete; the education of part only leaves him deficient. An educated man is a man who can do something, and the quality of his work marks the degree of his education. The best

investment a young man can make is in good books, the study of which broadens the mind. We cannot travel every path. Success must be won along one line. We must make our business the one life purpose to which every other must be subordinate. I hate a thing done by halves. If it is right, do it boldly; If it is wrong, leave it undone.

To live with an ideal is a successful life. It is not what one does, but what one tries to do, that makes a man strong. "Eternal vigilance," it has been said, "is the price of liberty." With equal truth it may be said, "Continuing effort is the price of success." If we do not work with all our might, others will, and they will beat us in the race and pick the prize from our grasp. Success grows less and less dependent on luck and chance. Self-distrust is the cause of most of our failures. A great and indispensable help to success is character. Character is crystallized habit, the result of training and conviction. Every character is influenced by heredity, environment, and education. But besides these, if every man were not, to a great extent, the architect of his own character, he would be a hopeless person, an irresponsible creature of circumstances. It is important to have a good reputation. The good opinion of our associates and friends is not to be despised.

There is often a great distinction between character and reputation. Reputation is what the world believes us to be for the time being; character is what we truly are. Reputation and character may be in harmony, but they are frequently as opposite as light and darkness.

The best equipment a young man can have for the battle of life is conscience, common sense, and good health. There is no friend so good as a good conscience. There is no enemy so dangerous as a bad conscience. Conscience makes us either kings or servants. Never have I been basically pessimistic, although I have appeared so to some readers. Pessimism is a waste of force. Happiness is in action, and every power is intended for action. It is a good policy to strike while the iron is hot. It is still better to make the iron hot by striking. I have always found that it's more painful to do nothing than something. Of all the virtues, cheerfulness and enthusiasm and the most profitable, Enthusiasm thrives more often in adversity than it does in prosperity. Contentment grows out of an inward superiority to our surroundings. We fall into the mistake of supposing that to look forward must mean to look anxiously forward. It is just as easy to look forward with hope as with sadness.

There can be no great literature until writers have learned to trust and love their countries. Writers nowadays spend too much energy on the subsidiary activities of talking and making money, which leaves them too little time for serious writing.

Today the world is flooded with cheap, worthless fiction, the general tendency of which is not only not educational, but also certainly destructive. The novel is a kind of battlefield on which a

writer fights his eternal struggle between good and evil.

Reply from my nephew I received a reply from my nephew two days after I sent my letter of advice. His reply was just a sentence. It read, “Thank you very much, my aunt.” I am sure that he must be busy in these days enjoying his life as a freshman. I want to meet him as soon as possible.

1    

TV:  Trick  or  Treat  By  

Tianyu  Liu  

 

I  have  always  rebelled  against  the  rule  that  TV  must  only  be  watched  after  my  homework  is  done.  It  is  quite  unfair,  especially,  since  my  favorite  cartoon  starts  at  6pm  and  I  can  never  finish  my  homework  before  that  time.  I  would  like  to  share  some  of  my  favorite  tricks  on  how  I  pretend  to  domy  fourth-­‐grade  homework  while  I  am  actually  watching  TV  when  my  parents  are  not  at  home.    Step  1:  Observation  It  decides  whether  or  not  you  are  caught.  For  example,  I  know  my  parents  will  never  come  home  before  6:30pm,  right  at  the  time  when  the  TV  starts  playing  the  theme  song  of  my  favorite  cartoon.  My  home  is  on  the  fourth  floor  of  our  apartment  building  and  thanks  to  my  good  ear  I  can  hear  my  parents  once  they  enter  the  building.  Including  the  time  they  search  for  their  keys  to  open  the  door,  I  have  a  total  of  one  minute  to  react.  These  observations  work  well,  but  the  following  list  I  have  to  check  every  time:  where  Iputthe  remote,  what  is  on  the  TV,  (turn  on  the  TV)  what  is  the  channel,  what  is  the  volume.  With  all  the  information  in  hand,  the  leverage  is  already  in  my  favor.    Step  2:  Preparation  for  Escape  I  am  quite  lucky  to  live  in  a  small  apartment  -­‐-­‐  it  takes  me  only  three  seconds  to  run  from  the  living  room  to  the  desk  in  my  bedroom  where  I  study.  What  I  need  to  do  is  just  to  open  my  notebooks,  randomly  place  my  pencils  on  the  table  and  take  out  some  scratch  paperI  have  used  during  the  day.  However,  I  always  have  some  back  up  excuse  for  why  it  sounds  like  TV  being  on  in  the  living  room  in  case  I  concentrate  too  much  on  my  cartoon  and  do  not  realize  their  coming  back  until  they  insert  the  keys.  A  successful  excuse  might  be  that  I  am  practicing  a  play  for  my  English/Chinese  class.      Step  3:  Show  Time  I  turn  on  the  TV,  use  the  number  keys  to  go  directly  to  my  favorite  channel.  In  this  way  I  can  easily  jump  back  to  the  channel  they  were  watching  last  night.  The  sound  is  the  tricky  part:  Since  I  want  to  hear  what  happens  outside  the  door,  I  have  to  turn  it  down  to  the  level  below  my  parents  usually  have;  and  the  stupid  TV  only  allows  me  to  adjust  the  volume  continuously,  so  I  really  have  to  practice  to  gain  a  precision  control  on  it.  Finding  a  way  to  cool  down  the  TV  is  another  challenge.  It  is  not  a  big  deal  in  summer,  since  I  can  easily  get  the  fan  to  send  wind  towards  the  screen  while  I  am  watching  my  cartoon.  The  real  challenge  comes  in  winter,  when  the  only  cool  thing  I  can  use  is  ice/ice  cream.  Put  the  ice/ice  cream  in  three  containers  and  place  them  on  the  top  surface  and  next  to  the  two  sides  of  the  TV,  respectively.  Oh,  

2    

remember  to  put  a  dry  towel  under  each  container.  Once  I  almost  ruined  the  TV  just  because  of  the  water  formed  on  the  outside  of  the  containers  flowing  down  onto  the  TV  set.      So,  good  luck  to  you  who  are  struggling  with  TV  and  homework.  I  hope,  following  my  tricks,  you  can  enjoy  the  TV  while  avoiding  your  homework  too.  Of  course,  常在河边走哪有不湿鞋 1.  Once  I  get  caught,  I  will  just  confess  it.  A  simple  apology  goes  a  long  way.  We  all  know  the  truth  that  parents  are  very  forgiving.      1.  He  that  touches  pitch  shall  be  defiled.  Nothing  is  one  hundred  percent  for  sure.  

                 

Keeping  Fit  By  Wenxu  Xu  

 “bang…”  all  of  sudden,  the  bump  room  was  reduced  into  silence.  I  turned  around  and  only  witnessed  a  weight  sack  hanged  upon  the  shoulder  of  a  chubby  guy.    Trapped!  “call  the  staff,”  someone  shouted.  The  guy  was  trying  not  to  moan  but  tears  were  already  bursting  out.  It  is  probably  his  pride  of  being  male  and  sense  of  masculinity  that  keeps  him  from  asking  for  help.  Keeping  fit  is  easy  but  in  the  meanwhile  not  that  easy.      Maybe  you  have  dreamed  of  waking  up  with  a  perfect  body.  Possibly  you  considered  joining  the  wellness  club  but  have  never  ever  made  it  to  the  gym.  Well,  maybe  you  are  satisfied  with  your  body  image  but  obsessed  with  each  single  food  you  put  into  your  mouth.  Maybe  even  calculate  calories  constantly  and  unconsciously?  Sounds  like  you?  Lots  of  people  think  alike.  Like  going  to  buffet,  goals  vary  depending  upon  how  much  each  individual  take  in.  I  want  to  talk  about  setting  realistic  goal  to  keep  fit.    Setting  goals  serves  as  the  key  to  your  succeed  in  keeping  fit.  Some  aim  high  for  body  competition,  whereas  others  exercise  for  the  sake  of  health.  For  me  as  a  graduate  student,  I  would  favor  the  latter.  I  exercise  to  get  my  brain  enough  oxygen  so  that  I  can  work  more  efficiently.  Most  importantly,  exercise  helps  me  live  longer  and  feel  happier.  Research  also  demonstrates  exercising  helps  us  develop  positive  self-­‐image  of  ourselves.  It  sounds  like  cliché  but  it  is  true.      Some  of  you  might  already  disagree  but  I  will  not  discourage  you  to  take  the  former  route  but  it  is  most  likely  you  will  end  up  either  in  emergency  room  like  the  guy  or  give  up  your  glorious  champion  dream  completely.        Another  critical  reason  for  us  to  set  realistic  goals  is  realistic  goals  keep  us  grounded  on  what  and  how  much  we  can  achieve.    I,  other  than  going  to  school,  most  of  us  work  part-­‐time  (maybe  full-­‐time),  and  might  even  carry  a  family.    I  often  hear  people  whine  that  it  literally  takes  them  years  to  make  up  their  minds  to  step  on  to  the  land  of  the  gym.    If  that  is  the  case,  I  suggest  examining  whether  we  should  adjust  our  goal,  one  that  is  more  compatible  with  other  objectives  in  our  life.  If  you  are  already  preoccupied  with  assignments,  deadlines,  household  issues,  or  basically  working  24/7,  barely  sparing  any  time  for  your  health,  then  it  is  probably  not  realistic  to  force  yourself  to  run  15  miles  per  day  or  weight  train  yourself  ten  hours  per  week.    I  personally  find  it  useful  to  keep  a  log  to  prioritize  needs  and  responsibilities  so  that  I  can  estimate  how  much  I  can  allocate  for  exercising.  I  usually  work  out  three  times  a  week  and  over  the  weekend.    It  did  take  some  time  to  integrate  exercise  into  my  schedule  but  it  did  work  after  trial  and  error.      So  what  is  your  goal  and  what  is  your  plan?        

No More Handwriting

by

Chen Chen

“陈晨”, do you recognize these two characters? Can you write them down? Is it hard?

What do you think about your Chinese calligraphy? I never realized that my Chinese

handwriting was bad until I entered middle school. My teachers always complained about

my bad handwriting. It wasn’t just me. Our teacher made us spend 10 minutes a day

practicing writing clearly and beautifully using character models. When my father heard

from my teacher about the issue regarding my handwriting, he decided that I should take

a calligraphy course on weekends! On the weekends we were supposed to have fun, go to

the park, play games; my extracurricular activity was to work on my handwriting. It was

really a torture for me. And even worse, I had to take this very seriously. Before I started

writing I had to think: how and where I should start my first step? It was horrible. Why

couldn’t I just go and write? Why should I think before I write, and why did I have to

take the course in my spare time? Was it terrible, that my handwriting was bad?

I don’t believe calligraphy should be taught so laboriously in school anymore. One big

reason that people consider handwriting important is that they believe handwriting

reflects personality. Neat and orderly handwriting implies that the writer likes to follow

the rules. Hasty and carless handwriting shows an impatient and casual personality. Small

handwriting indicates the writer is cautious and careful. Big handwriting presents a

generous and confident personality. Girls prefer to write with colorful inks such as pink

and purple, while boys prefer black ink. Women’s handwriting is normally small, soft

and light, while men’s handwriting is big and heavy. This idea might be partially true, but

is it really always right? For example, my handwriting is hasty and careless, but I’m a

well organized and responsible person. I want and try to keep everything in order. My

handwriting doesn’t reflect my personality at all. And there are also certain people who

are very good at copying others’ handwriting. If handwriting really reflects personalities,

does it mean those copycats have multi-personalities? In my opinion, personality is

something we were born with and comes from our nature and can’t be altered by

practicing handwriting.

Another reason people believe we should work on handwritings is that handwriting is

part of our appearances and functions as our face. When applying a job or doing

homework, horrible handwriting would give others a bad impression. My teachers always

told me that the content of my essay was good but they couldn’t read the characters so

my grades would be affected. In the old days, when computers were not often used, this

might be a problem. We might not be able to get a job due to our bad handwriting in the

cover letter. We might only get a “B” instead of an “A” because the teacher had

difficulties reading our handwriting in the essays. However, with the development of the

technologies -thanks to the increased availability of computer- this should no longer be a

problem. We can write our essay on a computer like I do right now. We can type our

cover letter on the computer and print it out. We can choose whatever font that makes us

happy. The only hand written part is the signature. If you want to impress others, you

might need to work on your signature.

The time has changed and so should our ideas. It won’t hurt to practice out of personal

interests, but it is no longer necessary to force others to practice handwriting. We should

utilize our time to do those things that make us happy rather than things that torture us.

Life is short!

A Letter from Mr. Allergy

By Hui-yen Huang

Dear Yen:

It’s time! It’s time again! I’m extremely excited to see you again in

this warm and beautiful spring which reflects my heart to you. Sadly you won’t

be able to “see” me but I will make sure that you “feel” me. Yes, feel me in this

blooming spring. I promise! If you ever forget how much you really mean to me

after a year we separated, I will remind you every day from now.

I’m getting breathless and you don’t really know. So I’m trying to make

you see; I’m trying to find a way to tell you every day how much my love is. If

you ever once feel the same as I do, you know that’s my unique way to make

you feel and see. I know it should be insane that I want you to feel me but you

know I will lose you again when spring goes, so I’m trying my best to let you

feel what I feel to you, my love. Do you feel I’m getting hard to breathe again

when I’m thinking of you now?

In an Eastern Asian country far away from here, people believe that

while you are sneezing, there must be someone thinking of you. Oh how lovely

the belief is! I then decide to let your know that I always think of you. So I

make you sneeze day and night even while you are sleeping. Every night you

wake up while you are sneezing. Hey baby, that’s my way to say “I’m here

watching you sleep.” You know that you are always in my mind and I’m

always here next by you.

Have you ever heard of an old saying that “valentines cannot tolerate

even a little sand in their eyes” which means the feeling of jealous is similar

with a little sand in their eyes? When I saw you talking and laughing with the

man in the bar at the corner the other night, you looked so happy and you

could not feel and see my sorrow. So I, again, want to make you feel my sorrow.

I want you to feel how it is when there is sand in your eyes. I sprayed some

magic powder into your eyes, then you know how itchy and thinly my eyes,

and yours, could be. Also, the sand makes me tearing, as well as yours. These

are my feelings when I saw you laughing with the men in the bar. Every

morning, I give you puffy eyes so you will think of me at your every first

glance in the mirror to start day off. I did not mean to hurt you but show you

how much I care about you.

Do you still remember when you were a little girl? Your little cute face is

vivid still in front my eyes. I fell in love with you since you were a tiny snively

girl. You had runny nose all the time then. But you don’t do that much since

you are no longer a little girl. Oh God knows how much I miss your little

snively face. You might blame on my selfish to make you have runny nose

again every spring we meet, but my girl, I’m just greedy for seeing your cute

snively face.

Words are far from expressing my love to you. We are Chinese Star-

Crossed Lovers who meet each other once a year, only if you can physically see

me. In order to leave with no regret, I promise you feel me every day while I’m

here. Yes, feel me in this blooming spring. I promise! If you ever forget how

much you really mean to me after a year we separated, I will remind you

every day from now.

Love,

Your love, Allergy.

 

THANK  YOU!  

 

Dear  Carla,    

 

I  have  been  wanting  to  write  something  to  you  for  a  long  time.  As  my  graduation  is  around  the  corner,  I  have  recorded  many  memories  over  the  last  two  years.  

 

DO  YOU  REMEMBER    

the  first  day  we  met?    

Receiving  your  note-­‐paper  with  an  attached  map,    

being  drawn  a  line  and  several  arrows,  

directing  me.    

 

DO  YOU  REMEMBER    

our  first  picture  together  at  Shakespeares?    

Smiling  crazily  towards  the  shot,  

as  the  purest  happiness  from  my  heart,  

appreciating  the  chance  you  offered  me,  

helping  me  realize  my  study-­‐abroad  dream.  

 

DO  YOU  REMEMBER    

me  -­‐  the  timid  girl?    

So  shy  to  hand  up  answering  questions,    

Involved  in  class  discussions;  

sometimes  even  hard  to  understand  and  accept  some  cultural  topics.  

 

DO  YOU  REMEMBER    

the  scene  of  my  first  presentation  rehearsal?    

As  an  international  student,    

I  met  lots  of  language  difficulties  during  my  first  days,  

but  not  alone  with  your  company.    

 

DO  YOU  REMEMBER  

 the  moment  when  I  passed  my  thesis  defense?    

My  brain  did  not  stop;  I  was  so  excited.    

Instead,    

all  the  scenes  in  the  two  years  that  we  worked  together    

flashed  through  my  mind:    

our  weekly  meetings,    

your  word-­‐by-­‐word  reviews,    

7:30  mornings,    

holiday  seasons…    

 

I  still  remember:  

the  many  times  you  patiently  wrote  down  each  detail  for  me;  

your  encouraging  words:  

“Why  not  take  the  unique  chance  to  experience  the  difference?”;  

your  mentoring  and  close  guidance  on  my  thesis,  

your  willingness  to  sacrifice  your  own  hours  only  for  my  academic  and  personal  development.    

 

I  will  remember:  

These  last  two  unique  years  of  my  life.  

It  can  be  short,  

just  like  a  wind  blowing  by.  

Your  outstanding  mentoring,  teaching,  research,  and  dedication  to  students    

will  influence  me  in  my  long  life.  

 

I  appreciate:  

Everything  you’ve  done  for  me.  

I  wouldn’t  have  achieved  all  that  I  have  without  your  mentoring.    

 

I  have  to  say:    

Your  guidance  and  encouragement  tremendously  enhanced  my  confidence  and  research  ability,  helping  me  get  through  every  stressful  process.  As  the  best  advisor  in  my  heart,  it  is  your  research  passion  that  has  solidified  my  decision  to  embark  on  further  research.  I  will  keep  in  mind  all  your  advice  on  my  future  research  path.  Please  keep  in  touch  closely.    

 

Your  wonderful  personality  has  made  you  a  great  advisor,  faculty,  and  superb  mentor.  I  hope  everything  goes  well  with  you!  

 

Best  wishes,    

Eka Putra My Journey

1    

How long do you want to fly in an airplane from one place to another? Two hours? Three hours? How about 25 or 30-hour flight? Does it sound long to you? I bet it does. Actually that was my flight time when I first came to the US from my country, Indonesia. Excited, scared, and nervous feelings were mixing in my mind and crawling in my body. However, neither the flight nor the people made me had such feelings but one, my ability to communicate in English. What if I lost direction, whom did I need to talk to? What if the flight flew me to a wrong country, whom did I need to speak to?

Indonesia is the world’s fourth most populous country in the world after the US with about 240 million people live in five big islands and surrounded by approximately 17,500 small islands. There are more than 700 spoken languages and dialects in Indonesia and it makes Indonesia is the second most linguistically diverse in the world after Papua New Guinea. However, from 700 languages and dialects, English is not one of them.

Back when I was in high school around 14 years ago, English was not a favorite subject at all for most students. Out of 800 students, in my high school, probably there were only 10 percent really interested in the subject. Of course, I was not one of them. Even though I was taking several years of English lessons outside my formal class, I was still not confident communicate in English.

Sitting next to an American man during my flight from Jakarta, Indonesia to Incheon, South Korea, was a nightmare to me. As I recalled I did not make any communication at all with him. Well, I think I did say hi. That’s it. In order to avoid the awkwardness, I applied the best strategy ever, SLEEPING. And he did, too. I think you must agree with me that sleeping is the best strategy to avoid having communication. Well, you cannot use that strategy in every situation. But for sure it worked perfectly in my situation. No doubt about it.

It was six o’clock in the morning when the plane touched down at Incheon International Airport, South Korea. Before went out, I checked my flight ticket to make sure that I was in the right place. And I was. When I got into the airport, I was amazed. The airport was really nice, clean, and beautiful. Even though it was my first time to travel abroad, I could feel that the airport was one of the most beautiful airports in the world. When I looked up on internet, I was right. It was ranked the world’s fifth most beautiful airports.

My next flight to Chicago did not leave in the next six hours. But it was okay because I was waiting in one of the most beautiful airport in the world. In this case, I didn’t mind at all if I had to stay more than six hours.

As soon as I entered the airport, my eyes were wandering around looking for the best spot to sit with not many people around so that I could take a rest. I finally found a spot where I could relax while watching news on CNN. After several minutes sitting and watching, I started feeling hungry and realized I only had a bottle of chocolate milk in my backpack. Without thinking too much, I finished the milk in less than a minute. Then, I decided to walk around the airport to find a convenience store so that I could grab something to eat. While looking for food, my eyes were struck on an internet café. I suddenly forgot about my hungry and wanted to use the internet to check my email instead. However, in order to use the internet, I had to convert my US dollars to Korean currency, Won. I remembered the rate for one hour was 3000 KRW (Korean Won) or about $3.00. I was thinking it was quite expensive. Then I realized I was at the airport. And I think everyone would agree that everything is expensive at the airport because customers have no choice and cannot find any alternative. The good thing is that I don’t live at the airport so I don’t have to spend more money on everything.

Eka Putra My Journey

2    

Back when I was in Indonesia, Internet café was very popular, especially in big cities such as Jakarta where I went to college. In every corner of the street, we could find an internet café. I usually went to an internet café for about one hour every day just to check my email. However, I would spend more than an hour if I had homework. On the weekends, any café would offer a half price from 12:00PM to 6:00AM but we had to spend at least four hours if we wanted to get the special offer. Sometimes if I had a lot of assignments, I went to the café at night so that I could get the deal. Most of the internet cafés opened 24-hour and they were close to my apartment. So, I didn’t have to worry going back home at night from the internet café.

After using the internet, I went back to my spot. I was still hungry but the milk helped a lot. Instead of buying something to eat, I decided to wait and get a meal on the plane. It was four hours left before my next flight and I was thinking it shouldn’t take long. I also felt tired and tried to sleep. But I couldn’t because I was afraid I would miss my next flight. So, I tried to read a book that I had in my backpack. If I was tired of reading, I watched TV. Since there were no people around, I was able to change the channel from daily news to sport channel. I loved sports and I still do. Swimming, soccer, basketball, ping-pong, volleyball, tennis and badminton are some sports that I can play. I think I consider myself a mediocre player for those sports. Not great but not bad either.

When I saw the clock, it was only 10:10AM. I started to feel bored. I was thinking I should take my previous words that I said before that I didn’t mind at all staying more than six hours at the airport. It really was a long time especially when I didn’t have anything to do besides reading and watching. No matter how beautiful the airport was, six hours was a long time and I was trapped inside the airport.

After several announcements, around 11:00 AM, I realized it was for my next flight. I grabbed my ticket and went to the gate to checked-in. 30 minutes to go and it felt like 3 hours to me. I really wanted to get into the plane, have lunch and go to sleep. Finally, the gate opened and all passengers entered the plane. There were more passengers compared to my first flight from Jakarta, Indonesia.

This trip reminded me about my first time taking an airplane. I was five years old. At that time, my sister just got married but she had to move to Medan, the capital city of North Sumatera province, due to her husband’s job as a dentist. It was about 400 miles from Padang, the capital city of West Sumatera where I lived. My sister and I have 18-year age difference. I was very close to her and I usually slept in her room almost every night. After she got married, my sister and her husband stayed in my parents’ house for couple of days before heading to Medan. On the first night after she got married, I wanted to sleep in her room and I remembered everyone was laughing when they heard about it. My mom told me that I could not sleep in her room because she was married and her husband had to sleep there. I was a kid and I didn’t understand what was happening. But I didn’t complain and I wasn’t upset about it.

In summer, after several months of my sister’s wedding, my mom took me to visit my sister by taking a bus. However, my mom could only stay for two weeks but I wanted to stay longer. Finally my mom and my sister had an agreement to let me stay longer and I was so happy. I did not have any thought what the agreement was about, how I would go back home and who was going to take me back home to Padang. There was only one thing in my mind that I could stay longer.

Finally, before the summer ended, I had to go back home. I didn’t remember if my sister ever told me that I was going to be taking an airplane by myself. The only thing I remembered was that she took me to the airport. When we arrived to the airport, my sister talked to a man in a

Eka Putra My Journey

3    

uniform and introduced me. I didn’t remember who he was until several years later when my mom and my sister retold the story. They told me that the man at the airport was our neighbor in Padang and he was a pilot but he didn’t fly the airplane that I was taking on that day. I recalled he took me to the plane and showed me my seat. He talked to the pilot of the plane, to the stewardess, and to the passenger who sat next to me. I think he told them to take care of me because I was flying by myself.

When the plane took off, I was wondering if it was going to fly me to another city. I was nervous and scared but I could not do anything. At least I didn’t cry because I knew I would be fine. So I just sat still in my seat for about one hour. I believe the person next to me tried to calm me down by asking some questions that I didn’t even remember any of them. Probably he asked me some typical questions such as how old I was and what was my name. However, I did remember that he gave me some stickers of a company where he was working, which was Semen Padang (Padang Cement, Inc.), a very well-known company in Padang as well as in Indonesia. When the plane landed, the stewardess helped me out and I saw mom and my dad were waiting outside the airplane parkway. I think they were worried about me and asked for permission to wait on the airplane parkway instead so that they could see me first.

It took 14 hours to fly from Incheon to Chicago, which was two times longer than my previous flight from Jakarta, Indonesia to Incheon, South Korea. It was another nightmare for me. However, I did not feel as nervous as before. After I had my lunch, I tried to sleep because I was so tired. I didn’t really care about the person next to me. I think I was sitting next to another American and I smiled and said hi to him. I was woken up by one of the flight attendants and asked me if I was ready for my dinner, and I said yes. Then she started talking about the menu in English and I could not understand her at all. I finally heard she was saying about beef or steak and I just picked that one without asking more. As a result, I didn’t like the steak because I liked my steak well done and I forgot to tell her. I just had the steak for two or three bites and I couldn’t finish it. I decided to eat the veggies part only because I didn’t want to feel hungry at night. After finishing my dinner, I watch a movie on a big screen TV before going to sleep again.

Chicago was only an hour to go and the flight attendants started to distribute the immigration form that we needed to fill out. It was about 11:00AM when the plane was landed at O’Hare airport in Chicago. And I was surprised with the amount of people taking flights. I was thinking it was ten times more crowded compared to Incheon Airport. No wonder it was the world’s fourth busiest airport in the world. I started to feel nervous and scared. I tried to calm myself by following some passengers who were taking the same flight with me. Then I was asked to go to the immigration office to fill out some forms. I filled out everything I knew and waited for my name to be called.

My next flight to Saint Louis was scheduled at 2:00 PM. After an hour waiting, they still didn’t call my name and I started to worry missing my next flight. Then they called my name after I waited for two hours. I said to myself that I would be fine because I still had 30 to 45 minutes before my next flight. It didn’t take long for the immigration office to let me go after they checked everything. I was happy because there was no problem. Then I realized the airport was so big and I had to go to domestic terminal by using metro train for my next flight. Good thing there was somebody helping me and showing me how to get there. When I checked in, they told me my flight already took off. When they checked my ticket, they understood the situation and told me that I could take the next flight to Saint Louis in an hour. I was relieved that I was able to take the next flight. Then I decided to wait at the gate for my next flight so that I would be ready. Now I felt really hungry and there were so many cafés or restaurants inside the airport

Eka Putra My Journey

4    

but there was only one restaurant I recognized very well, McDonald. I went there and looked up at the menu. I didn’t know how to order food so I just picked the one number on the combo menu that had a hamburger, fries, and a soda. I went back to the waiting seat and ate the hamburger. It was my first meal and my first hamburger in the US that I won’t forget for the rest of my life.

It was almost three o’clock in the afternoon. After finishing my food, I sat and looked around and couldn’t believe myself that I was in America. I had never had any dream before in my life to come to the US. I didn’t know anything about America. The only thing I knew was NBA, Chicago Bulls, and Michael Jordan.

Before I continue my daydreaming, the gate to my next flight was opened. I stood up and walked in line to get into the plane. The plane was much smaller compared to my previous two flights. There were not many people on board and nobody was sitting next to me either. I was glad because I could relax without thinking about the person next to me. It took only 30 to 45 minutes from Chicago to Saint Louis so I didn’t have to sleep. I was looking down through the window and enjoyed the view. Because of my previous two flights counted in hours, 30 minutes was nothing. I just didn’t realize that I was already at the airport in Saint Louis and it was the last airport that I had to deal with for my long trip. When I got out, I saw my brother was waiting for me. My nervous, worry and scared feelings were gone. Now I felt happy and excited. And then, three words came up in my mind, WHAT A JOURNEY.

The  other  side  of  the  coin  

By  

Ignacio  Idoate  

 

Bravado,  defiance  and  ignorance,  were  soon  to  be  met  by  a  dose  of  harsh  and  unforgiving  reality.    My  parents  wanted  me  to  spend  a  year  abroad  in  order  to  learn  and  perfect  my  fourth  language-­‐English.    A  language  of  critical  importance  for  me  to  command,  if  I  was  to  have  any  hopes  and  aspirations  at  pursuing  and  reaching  the  pinnacle  of  any  professional  career  in  my  homeland.    Or  at  least,  this  is  what  my  parents  believed.    This  was  their  sales  pitch.    Their  justification  for  the  personal  sacrifice  I  would  have  to  endure  for  my  own  good.    “An  individualized  forbearance  that  without  a  doubt  would  bare  its  fruits  in  the  not  so  remote  future”.    Furthermore,  they  emphasized  the  fact  that  my  year  as  an  exchange  student  would  be  a  year  filled  with  exciting  adventures.  

My  rationale  for  acceding  to  their  challenge  and  opportunity  offered  to  me  at  that  time  was  far  different  from  theirs.    As  a  young  man,  a  budding  17  year  old  teenager,  I  was  aimlessly  rowing  upstream.    Full  of  vigor  and  uncapped  energy.    A  teenager  with  an  infinite  compilation  of  Grandiose  and  daring  ideas.    I  was  swimming  in  muddy  and  revoltous  waters.    A  sparkling,  vibrant  and  ebullient  teenager  with  hormonal,  physical  and  ideological  changes  as  the  genesis  of  my  metamorphosis.      I  was  not  yet  focused  on  any  future  career,  thus  their  concern  seemed  too  distant  and  unimportant.    I  was  concentrated  in  the  present,  in  that  suffocating,  suppressive  and  inhibited  part  of  my  life.    I  felt  like  a  puppet-­‐  controlled,  manipulated  and  over  scrutinized.    The  rules  of  the  house  were  overwhelming  and  smothering.    Chores,  curfews,  constant  drowning  supervision  and  endless  tasks  seemed  demonic,  wicked  and  unjust.      I  felt  trapped  and  unable  to  unleash  the  real  me.    Unable  to  invent  and  create  my  own  identity.    I  was  kept  on  a  short  authoritarian  parental  leash.      I  envisioned  that  year  abroad  as  my  opportunity  to  finally  escape  my  parental  grip  by,  establishing  and  asserting  the  nymph  stages  of  what  at  the  time  seemed  as  a  forbidden  and  vetoed  utopia-­‐My  independence!  

I  was  rebellious,  defiant  and  confident.    At  my  uncle’s  dairy  where  I  worked  and  pursued  refuge  from  my  suffocating  and  coerced  reality.    I  was  treated  with  respect  and  as  an  equal  adult.    I  was  given  room  to  grow  as  a  person.    I  was  assigned  unsupervised  tasks  and  was  able  to  efficiently  conquer  them  time  and  time  again.    At  home  with  my  parents,  I  was  ready  to  cut  the  proverbial  umbilical  cord.    The  constant  suppressive  and  dictatorship-­‐like  environment  had  spurred  an  inner  revolt.    I  was  ready  to  demonstrate  to  my  rulers,  that  I  was  no  longer  the  kid  they  once  knew.    The  one  they  could  easily  tame  and  control  by  their  schemes  and  ploys.    I  wanted  to  flee  the  oppressive  and  totalitarian  regime  of  my  progenitor’s  cocoon.    I  wanted  to  attest  and  proclaim  that  I  would  no  longer  be  compliant  and  submissive.    I  wanted  to  spread  my  wings.    I  was  ready  to  embark  in  my  own  uninhibited  voyage.    I  was  ready  to  carpe  diem  and  to  conquer  the  world.    

The  flight  over  the  Atlantic  physically  distanced  me  from  the  motive  that  incited  my  initial  impetuous  bold  enterprise.    I  had  flown  for  the  first  time  on  a  plane  full  of  peppy  and  vivacious  teenagers,  headed  

for  a  novel  and  unknown  adventure.    As  we  approached  New  York,  my  curious  and  fatigued  eyes  searched  for  clues  of  the  new  country  and  culture  I  was  about  to  acquaint  myself  with.    The  first  site  my  eyes  were  engrossed  and  fixed  on  was  a  historic  landmark  I  recognized  from  the  Hollywood  films,  the  majestic  Statue  of  Liberty.    That  first  glimpse  of  America  will  forever  stay  engraved  in  my  memory.    There  she  stood  gracefully,  proudly,  audaciously  and  welcoming.    Somehow  she  embodied  and  validated  the  inspiration  and  motivation  of  my  private  crusade-­‐  my  search  for  independence  and  freedom.      

The  Big  Apple  provided  an  initial  contact  to  a  diverse  multicultural  society  that  appeared  noisy,  rude  and  in  a  hurry  at  a  first  glance.    We  were  introduced  to  the  American  city  by  sightseeing  the  obvious  landmarks,  thus  The  Empire  State  building,  the  Statue  of  Liberty,  the  Brooklyn  Bridge,  Times  Square  and  Central  park.    I  was  dazed  by  the  constant  stimuli  of  the  city.    I  was  unsettled  by  the  unfamiliar  rapid  pace  that  New  Yorkers  appeared  to  lead  their  lives.    People  came  and  went,  saluting  was  a  lost  art,  rudeness  abounded,  ignorance  was  blissed,  animosity  appeared  to  be  the  norm  and  personal  safety  seemed  perilous.      

The  enormity  of  it  all  seemed  overwhelming.    The  buildings  were  gargantuan  and  Herculean-­‐like;  their  vehicles  were  unfamiliarly  gigantic,  and  its  public  transportation  emerged  as  daunting  as  roller-­‐coaster  rides.    The  unfamiliar  smells  and  novel  foods  contributed  to  baffling  my  new  confused  and  bewildered  state  of  mind.    Furthermore,  to  increase  my  anxiety,  I  was  unable  to  communicate.    I  was  not  able  to  understand  a  word  of  English.    I  found  refuge  on  my  fellow  traveling  mates.    I  knew  that  as  long  as  I  surrounded  myself  with  my  cohort,  I  could  temporarily  neglect  reality,  and  the  precarious  situation  I  was  in.    I  had  suddenly  become  a  feeble  small  fish  in  a  very  unfamiliar,  engulfing  and  inundating  ocean.      New  York  had  established  its  reign.    The  loss  of  self-­‐control  and  self-­‐esteem  was  palpable  and  indubitable.    My  pride,  resolution,  confidence  and  bravado  seemed  to  forsakenly  evaporate  into  the  thick  and  heavy  smog  of  the  city.  

As  I  laid  on  that  cold,  hard  bed  on  my  first  night  in  the  big  apple,  I  suddenly  realized  that  I  was  no  longer  home.    I  was  in  an  unfriendly  and  hostile  place.    My  present  surroundings  facilitated  my  moment  of  reflection  to  analyze  my  predicament.    A  conflicting  clash  quickly  arose  between  my  once  overzealous  but  now  quickly  waning  and  vanishing  bravado,  and  the  yearning  for  what  I  refused  to  concede,  the  need  for  parental  shield.    What  had  I  done?  What  did  I  get  myself  into?    My  inexperience,  impatience  and  rebellious  attitude  got  me  into  an  unknown,  outlandish  and  alien  quandary.    There  was  no  going  back,  not  turning  the  clock  back.    I  inadvertently  found  myself  at  a  crossroads  of  my  young  life.    My  options  were  crystal  clear.    Wave  the  white  flag  and  admitting  defeat,  return  to  seek  refuge  under  my  parental  security  blanket.    Or,  own  up  to  the  decision  to  run  away  from  home  to  seek  my  independence.    I  had  too  much  pride  and  resiliency  to  admit  defeat.    It  was  a  defining  and  pivotal  point  in  my  life.    With  ignorance  and  heresy  as  my  badges  of  honor,  I  decided  to  go  through  with  the  year  as  an  exchange  student.    It  marked  and  defined  me  as  a  person.    It  helped  me  mold,  burgeon  and  flourish  into  who  I  am  today.    It  was  a  decision  that  I  have  never  regretted  or  self-­‐reproached.        

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

Secret  in  Library     By  Wen  Zhang  Secret  place  in  library     at  the  corner  of  the  second  floor,       far  away  from  stairs  and  door,       beside  windows  where  to  look  for  more:         Pink  blossom  in  spring  

bright  sunshine  in  summer    golden  leaves  in  fall  white  snow  in  winter.  

Hides  itself  into  rows  of  shelves,  as  hiding  myself  into  stacks  of  books.  

 Tranquil  place  to  spend  wonderful  time  

wonderful  place  to  enjoy  tranquil  world    One  large  piece  desk  which  is  shared  with  other  four     is  made  of  wood  in  walnut  color,       warmer  than  plastic  and  metal       in  every  freezing  winter  morning;     shows  a  long  history  with  lively  scrawls,       words,  formulas,  and  cute  paintings       recording  the  time  students  spent    

generation  by  generation.    

One  yellow  wooden  chair  which  I  prefer  much  more     not  as  soft  as  sofa,  located  on  the  ground  floor,       keeps  me  away  from  the  sleepy  moment.    Do  you  have  a  similar  experience?    Mild,  creamy  aroma  in  the  air,     warm  sunlight  shining;       low  pitch  of  voice  surrounded,       writing  and  paging;  

sitting  in  a  navy  blue  sofa,     as  lying  in  the  cotton  candy.  

Then  immerse  into  a  sweet  dream     in  the  twinkle  of  an  eye.  No  matter  what  you  are  reading,     textbooks,  magazines,  poetries,     or  even  horrible  fictions.    A  hypersomnia?    No.  Just  due  to  soft  sofa-­‐shaped  “bed”,  

get  lazy,  tired,  and  sleepy.    Wooden  chair  and  desk,  old  but  solid  

make  me  be  aware:       I  am  in  the  library,       not  on  my  second  bed  in  my  second  home.    

D I V E R S I T Y

By Hui-yen Huang

All of us call Columbia HOME!

r. King’s dream of peace, justice and equality for all.

have a dream, he shouted out that

friends come from different colors.

arying ethnic groups, religions, and culture vividly live out

around my diverse community.

very afternoon, the wind brings me the

ich small of curry chicken made by the Indian lady next door.

cene of children with distinguishable tones

playing happily at dusk at the playground.

A big red character of “福” stand proudly up on the door above us.

The plain but elegant Islamic turban flows confidently over the

community clothesline shining under the sun.

t is not the outside that matters, but the inside.

ake and stretch your hands out

embrace and welcome diversity.

ou and I that share this community

all have our own unique and valuable

stories that shapes us who we are.

All of us call Columbia HOME!

Window

Wri$ng  and  photo  by  Li  Lin

In  my  dic)onary

Window  exists  as  a  myth

Looking  into  the  window

I  see  “indo”

Looking  outward

Looking  inward

Window  opens  the  eye  to  me

I  see  a  heart  

Full  of  curiosity

Stay  hungry  

Stay  open

彼岸 The other shore

---张凌媛 -----Lingyuan Zhang

请喝下我的影子 Please drinking my shadow

浑浊的眼睛 才能看见我彻骨的悲伤 turbid eyes will see my piercing sorrow

请喝尽我的影子 Please drink in my shadow

疲劳的双手 就会为我编织 tired hands will weave me

一对巨大的黑色的翅膀 a vast black wings

黑色 black

住在我眼睛的深处 living in the heart of my eyes

黑色 black

丈量我灵魂的温度 measuring the purity of my soul

在每个随时都会死去的夜晚 Every night, Death is on his way

我心怀敬畏 fondling the wings with my honest awe

抚摸着沾满我骨血的翅膀 reek with my flesh and blood

求它长进我的身体 beg it grows into my body

求它带我去到那里 beg it leads me there

传说中 In the legend

有棵叫做思念的树 长在路的尽头 There is a tree named missing

那里除了遥远 一无所有 Standing on the far shore

但我知道 There is nothing but remote

七颗星会给我指引方向 But I know

The seven stars will guide me the direction

我知道 I know

一只蓝色的鸟 会在树下歌唱 A blue singing bird will wait me on the tree.

1

Universal  PINK  Universal  LOVE  By  

 Sirinat  Sriumporn   PINK… PINK… PINK LOVE… LOVE… LOVE PINK Being universal love. Everyone knows. The right to be a girl. I know. Speaking freely. I know. Understanding, Caring, Giving Receiving of nurturing. Everyone wants. Tenderness, Kindness, Self-worth, Acceptance. I want. ROSE Gardening rose’s rosy. I do. Listening soft songs, Smooth rhythm. I do. Relaxing, Sleeping. I need. Brightness, Lightness. I feel. STRAWBERRY Social Smiling, Smiling with self. I need. Cartoons, Dresses, Candy. I enjoy. Understanding Friendship. Everyone needs. MAGENTA Cherry Blossom, Magenta Tinted, Hydrangea flowers. I touch. Beautiful, Sexy. I am. Strong feeling, Romantic. I feel. Light hearted brides, Wedding. Ladies dream. Heaven, Openness. Everyone needs.

2

FUCHSIA Holiday. I want. Sunset Sky, Sun fades into water, Spring sun rises. I see. The passion of women being love. I thought. Powerful, Successful, Energies. I need. Angry, Aggression. I wonder. PRIMROSE Pink skin. I see. Being a mother. I am. Singing to baby girl. I do. Unconditional love. I feel. Pure, Hopeful, Soft, Loving, Comfortable. I hope. ROUGE Abandonment, Neglect, Violent. I hate. Gaya, Lesbian. I wonder. Stress, Painful. I face. Blue Emotion. I fear PINK… PINK… PINK LOVE… LOVE… LOVE

Trapped

By Arwa Alfayez

Oceans of wonder with rise of high heavy waves led to fearful floating

Screams of pain Coming from all around Crashing eyes full of fear Shocking tears of worry

Oceans of wonder Rise again Tearing my pride

The Eaten soul is yet to come a Shocking anger with a Crying laughter

High heavy waves Falling apart Tripping me in the dark

Wishing for a mercy to Bury the wound Bleeding in my heart

Fearful floating Weakens the patience of my Drained self

Asking where am I? What have I done?

My guilt, Conscience Sentenced me to be

Trapped in a cage of honesty

home

by

Witriani Soegijardjo

flawless day

strange foreign beauty1

sunlight

unblinding brightness

cannot be seen

no squinting

can be felt

warm on skin

air

untainted

not humid

not dry

reviving smell

freshly cut grass after the rain

soft breeze

reasonless smile

time freezes

divine morning

unflawed

peaceful

perfect time to go

night falls

six feet under

will not be missed

                                                                                                                         1 “Strange Foreign Beauty” is the title of a song by Michael Learns To Rock (1999)

home at last

a plea:

why small?

no capital?

not a spiritual being

but rely on God’s Blessing

capitals belong only to Him

me?

nothing but

undying search for meaning

not eternal

infinitesimal

怀瑾 (lyric by Wen Zhang)

曲：林海 《踏古》

惊涛水面回荡

夜与风凉

那小窗透微光

万千思量

筹谋天下事

半壁江南

昔日舒城少年儿郎

锋现芒展

他酹酒立寒川

锐意难当

墨发衣锦衫

战血漫银冠

旌旗飞扬

江东永固十年誓言不忘  

 

 

 

NOTE:

This song is written for Yu ZHOU, which I am interested in and respect. Besides a famous general, Yu ZHOU was good at music and always praised by the public about his gentle characteristic. So I pick up a little gender music instead of the powerful one which is always used to describe wars.

The title is Huai Jin. Jin is picked from Yu ZHOU’s style name. In ancient China, males would have a style name to replace their first name as a symbol of adulthood and respect. Both style name (Jin) and first name (Yu) represents for the jade. The jade is always used to describe the gentle characteristic in China. The word “Huai” means holding and memorizing. So the title may have two meanings: 1) Holding jade, which means Yu ZHOU has a gentle characteristic; 2) In memory of Jin (Yu ZHOU).

In this song, the blue words are the first part to give audience a picture of Yu ZHOU’s life briefly. In the green part, I choose the Battle of Red Cliffs to describe Yu ZHOU in details.

This music is called Ta Gu in Chinese (composed by Hai LIN), which means “stepping into the ancient time”. The melody begins with the Africa drum, and then Pipa comes in. When the first part finishes, there is a period of time of female voice, singing without any exact words.

赤壁四方云动

轻舟穿浪

那厮杀震长空

血未成霜

东风乱龙幡

江火缭乱

三万将士埋骨战场

无人归乡

他雕翎战衣寒

独立江上

隔岸抚琴弦

策马引长弓

千载

周郎功

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Nestled  in  the  Western  slopes  of  the  Pyrenees

Straddling  the  Bay  of  Biscay

Embracing  Southern  

 France  and  Northern  Spain

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Much  debated  unknown  origins

 Indo-­‐Europeans,  Neanderthals  or  Cro-­‐Magnons                

 An  unrelenFng  irresoluble  query  for  historians

ElucidaFon  with  no  acknowledged  consensus  

 Land  of  the  Basque  

A  land  yearned  by  many  cultures  

From  Pre-­‐historic  Germanic  hordes  from  Asia  and  the  Celts

The  Roman  Empire  in  Roman  Fmes

 Middle  age  Visigoths,  Franks  and  Muslims

Neoclassical  epoch  advances  of  Napoleon  Bonaparte

To  Franco  led  dictatorship  aLer  the  Spanish  civil  war

Allied  with  Mussolini  and  Hitler  invading  troops  in  World  War  II

Euskal Herriaby

Ignacio Idoate

                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 Land  of  the  Basque  

The  land  colonized  by  survivors,  exultant  and  triumphant  people

The  oldest  in  Europe

Unmoved  in  a  history  of  thousands  of  years

Unswayed  by  blows  and  chagrins  of  famine

Unscathed  by  misfortunes  of  disease

Untouched  by  calamiFes  of  wars

Uninfluenced  by  the  torments  of  their  assailants

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  heterogeneous  and  sundry  terrain

Land  of  high  quiet  green  mountains

Land  of  everlasFng  forests  of  oaks  and  maples

Land  of  eerie  and  dantesque  rocky  cliffs

Land  of  lively  and  jazzy  plains

Land  of  breathtaking  coast  lines

 

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  Euskara

An  unchanged  ancient  living  language

An  aTuned  language  with  a  bewildering  dawn

A  complex,  exoFc  and  ardent  language

A  language  entrusted,  bestowed  and  imparted  through  generaFons  

An  enduring  persecuted  language  

A  language  excepFonally  and  ruthlessly  suppressed  by  Franco

Euskara

The  main  unifying  and  disFnguishing  hallmark  of  the  Basque

Their  crown  jewel  and  emblem

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Cradle  of  Conquistadors

Birthplace  of  historic  icons

Origin  of  trailblazing  missionaries  of  the  ChrisFan  gospel

Home  to  Saint  Ignacio  de  Loyola,  founder  of  the  Jesuit  movement

Fountain  of  pioneering  and  archetypical  entrepreneurs

Commencement  of  innovaFve  and  chivalrous  fishermen

Root  of  zealous  and  avant-­‐garde  miners  and  steel  workers

Reservoir  of  noble  and  acclaimed  sheepherders

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  enchantment,  myths  and  legends

Land  of  Akelarre

Land  of  witchcraLs  and  Sabbaths

Land  of  witch  hunts,  trials  and  burnings

Paraxosysm  of  terror

AvocaFon  for  the  inquisiFon

Land  of  Mari

Goddess  of  Basque  mythology

Home  to  Basajaun

Wild  Lord  of  the  forest

Land  of  Olentzero,  a  jenFl  

The  Basque  version  of  Santa  Claus

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  folklore  and  tradiFons

Home  to  Bertsolaritza

The  most  important  and  tradiFonal  display  of  Basque  poetry

Home  to  the  Txistu  and  Trikitrixa

Vivacious,  animated  and  harmonic  engendering  musical  instruments

Home  to  Txalaparta

A  prehistoric  device  consisFng  of  two  thick  wood  staffs  

Harmonically  and  strategically  banged  on  a  hard  surface

To  create  mesmerizing  and  hypnoFzing  melodies  

 

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Home  to  Herri  kirolak

Exhibits  of  wide  ranging  rural  sports  

RepresenFng  daily  acFviFes  of  the  Basque,  from  sea  coasts  to  high  mountains

Land  of  estropadak,  courageous  and  zealous  rowing  regaTas  in  obliging  sea  waters

Land  of  txinga  and  arri  jasotzailes,  Herculean,  colossal  and  gargantuan  athletes  

Land  of  pelotaris,  dynamic  and  vigorous  arFsts  of  peculiar  amphitheaters    

Land  of  aizkolaritza  and  sokaFra,  beastly,  omnipotent  and  strenuous  spectacles    

Land  of  Txakur  probak  or  sheepdog  trials

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  unequaled  and  exquisite  cuisine

Land  of  Txokos  or  gastronomical  socieFes

Land  of  exoFc  and  outlandish  compilaFons  of  culinary  marvels

Land  of  Sagardotegiak  or  cider  houses

Land  of  kokotxas,  squid,  and  marmitako    

Land  of  mouthwatering  beef  and  lamb  fares  and  medleys

Land  of  cider  and  txakoli,  slightly  sparkling  libaFons  

Land  of  gaudy,  vibrant  and  world  renowned  wines

Land  of  luscious  gateau  Basque  and  scrumpFous  cheeses

 Land  of  the  Basque  

Land  of  culture,  tradiFons  and  history

Land  of  personal  affecFon  and  devoFon

Land  of  my  ancestors  and  heritage

A  remote,  aloof,  distant  and  much  languished  land

Euskal  Herria

My  motherland  and  quintessence

My  home

1    

Arwa Alfayez Claiming the Clouds of Imagination I find myself flying through clouds when I describe emotions about my family. I enter the world of imagination. This world becomes windy passing through my memories. Breezes of laughter, love, and passion hug my body. While gliding between these clouds I feel warm. I decide to stop and enjoy this feeling. It is not a surprise for me to stay on this cloud; “my parents bedroom”. After our full day is over, my family gathers in my parent’s bedroom. In their room we sense the coziness and the cordiality from the deep red color that surrounds us. Purity and affection from the long off white curtains cover the huge windows. Falling so smoothly like rain drops. As soon as I enter their room, the aroma of my mother’s perfume mix with the strong but exquisite “ببخخوورر” arrives slickly and delightfully to my nose. The fragrance of sweet musk, the strong sandal, and the deep saffron fills the room. This gorgeous scent drives calmness to our souls. On the right, a large off white wooden dresser stands with pride. Huge selections of perfumes are ordered in a neat way. My mother’s jewelry is displayed on a red velvet holder. Her pearls, gold, and silver necklaces are hanged on charmingly. Her magnificent colored rings are a pleasure to one's sight. I try them every day in joy. My late grandmothers gems are kept safely in an old traditional timber container that belonged to her as well. This jewelry box has been an important object in my mother’s life since she was a little girl. It’s a polished dark ligneous box, which contains three different compartments. One is for necklaces and bracelets, the second is for earrings, and the third is for rings. My parent’s bed is spectacular. Four thick wooden posts engraved with wonderful floral design almost reach the ceiling. Immense headboard with simple leaf sketch ties it all together. Stunning like an Indian bed with different patterns joined together. Their bedding has an off white background with giant inflamed roses. I feel like jumping on a cloud of comfort, coasting over a garden of stunning dark red roses with a hint of lime green from the leaves. It is definitely the focal point of their room. Countless pillows that vary in shape and size are laid on the bed effortlessly. Each one of us has his own favored pillow. Sarah likes to lay her head on a huge red furry headrest. While Roaa likes to embrace a rosy silk and velvet cushion, Osamah rests his feet on a cylindrical bolster. My twin brothers share a long comfortable one. I question myself how did we fit in that bed. We are definitely a big family. Two parents, three daughters, and four sons in one bed, just imagine. We are like a colorful rainbow where each shade completes and complements the other. We melt in our wishes and desires. Is it because our atmosphere is filled with love? No love is not the word. It is too poor for a description. Gathering in their bed makes me feel that we are in a journey. A journey that has no destination, no limits, and no rules. We feel free. Free from reality. We talk about our dreams, hopes, what we want to be when we grow up. In that bed, I return a child where my dreams have no end.

2    

Although we elapse through what we did in our daily life with its frustration and tiredness, my parents’ words, affection, and empathy can not only relieve our weariness but also motivate us in going forward. My accomplishments, ambition, and goals are a direct result of my parents. It is the impact of these two people that made my existence full of blessings, and also made me who I am today. Without their help and direction in life I would be lost like a young bird missing in the sky. They help me with every step in my life. Remembering these days makes my eyes tear. As soon as I get out of their room, reality hits. You were dreaming.  

Reading the language of God

-------By Lingyuan Zhang

“God’s silence ripens man’s thoughts into speech”----Tagore

Poem is the language of god. Poets are the people who use the general words to create their own

amazing sentences.

In my early memory, my mom treasured a huge mystic notebooks filled with the sentences that I

didn’t understand. They were all written in the neat and similar form. This is my first impression

about poem---recondite and boring. However, along with the growth of age, I discovered the

beauty and treasure in poem. I found reading poem bring lots of fun and relaxation to me.

Perhaps, my gene contains the love for poem.

Planting a lotus

In Chinese culture, lotus represents peace and harmony. Reading poem, just like planting a lotus

in my body, leads inherent peace to me. When I feel weak or anxiety, especially during the night, I

prefer to read a poem. The keen eyes of poet help them to find out impressed beauty. They are

moved by the smile on the children’s face. They are appreciated the exquisite world in the

dewdrop. They feel grateful about the gifts that life gave them. Their vivid sentences bring me

into the descriptive world. Those neat but powerful words impressed me with the simplest

touching. “Sorrow is hushed into peace in my heart like the evening among the silent trees”.

Those wonderful sentences like the clean spring flow through my blundering heart.

Breed a phoenix

I also receive encouragement from poem. In our legend, phoenix will never die. He will rises from

his ashes. I believe that poem summons a phoenix in my heart. Many poets experience the hard

life. Their words contained their struggle, their unyielding. The harsh experiences are the source

for their inspiration. Beidao is my favorite Chinese poet. He was persecuted by the political

reason. However, he never loses his enthusiasm to express his voice. “All is fate, all is empty, all is

beginning with no ending, all joy has no smiles, all suffering has no tears, all explosions with a

moment of tranquil, all deaths echo lonely.” How powerful those simply sentence. But they

always haunt in my heart, leads me go cross the hard times.

I appreciate what the poem brings to me--Love, brave and a grateful heart.

“I cannot choose the best, the best chooses me.” ----Tagore

A  Realm  of  Objects  By  

Laura  Kim  

 

The  Room  

Keeping  a  room  clean  and  comfortable  might  be  one  goal  of  every  person.  Here  I  am  as  a  room  filled  with   somebody’s   belongings   and  meanings.   I   am   a   part   of   one   of   apartments   in  West  Columbia.  The  occupier’s  name   is   Laura  Kim  who  came   from  South  Korea   to   study  history  of  dress  in  Mizzou.  I  had  spent  almost  8  years  with  the  last  tenants  before  I  met  Laura  Kim.  When  I  first  met  her,  she  said,  ‘what  a  small  room.’  However,  regardless  of  her  complaint,  Laura  had  to  choose  me  since  her  roommate  asked  that  she  had  to  use  a  bigger  room  because  of  her  cat.  I  did  not   think   that   I  am  a  small   room  until   she  packed  me  with  her   stuff.   I  have  been  a  quite  decent  room  since  1970s  when  I  was  built.    

In  a  month  after  she  entered  my  room,  Laura  brought  her  twin  bed,  a  desk  and  a  chair,  three  plastic  drawers,  and  a  lot  of  clothing.  Especially,  my  closet  seemed  not  enough  for  all  of  her  clothing  when  she  received  winter  coats  from  her  parents.  Her  shoes  and  boots  were  too  many  to  be  laid  in  my  closet;  consequently,  they  had  to  move  to  other  closet  in  the  apartment.  Her  books  were  also  too  many  to  be  put  in  her  bookshelf  which  her  roommate  parents  made.  When   the  bookshelf  was  made,   she  made  a   resolution   that   she  will  not  buy  anymore  books,  which  did  not  happen.  In  fact,  she  ended  up  buying  a  low  shelf  from  a  garage  sale  for  the  new  books.    

Now,  I  am  filled  with  one  desk,  which  has  been  newly  brought  from  her  friend’s  house  and  one  long  party  table  which,  now,  almost  seems  like  a  table  for  books,  three  plastic  clothing  drawers,  two  plastic  drawers  for  stationary  and  some  stuff,  a  full  closet,  a  black  book  shelf,  and  her  twin  bed.  That’s  not  even  including  posters  on  my  walls.  On  the  walls,  there  are  two  maps,  three  small  posters,  her  mother’s  montage  of  family  photos,  a  calendar,  a  white  piece  of  paper  filled  with  notes  about  her  thesis.  Moreover,  she  used  to  keep  all  of  her  plush  toys  in  me;  but  all  of  her  plush  toys  had  to  go  out  and  place   in  a  table   in  the   living  room.  Obviously,  as  you  can  imagine,   she   has   shopped  quiet   a   lot   ranging   from   clothing   to   books,  which  made   the   room  even  hectic.  The  closet  is  too  packed  that  I  don’t  even  want  to  talk  about  what  are  there.  How  could  she  even  organize  them?  

The  scenery  of  me  is  so  messy  but  I,  myself,  reflect  Laura’s  versatile  personality.  It  takes  a  while   for  me  to  realize   that  Laura   is  a  person  who  has   to  be  surrounded  by  something  and  think  of   something  every  moment.  Her  belongings  are   the  source  of  her   ideas  and  creativity.  None  of  her  belongings  are  unnecessarily  kept.  She  appreciates  what  she  purchased,  what  she  received,  and  what  she  created.  I  am  so  about  to  throw  up  all  of  her  stuff  if  there  is  any  chance;  however,  I  know  it  can’t  be  my  decision  to  clear  up  her  stuff.  But,  as  I  feel  like  I  am  throwing  up,  sometimes,  I  see  her  anxiety.    She  suddenly  grabs  her  head  with  both  hands  and  mumbling  that  she   has   too   much   stuff.   That   is   the   moment   when   she   cleans   up   her   stuff,   and   it   happens  several  times  throughout  a  year  and  a  half.    

Laura   cleans   up   what   her   detached   meanings,  such   as   receipts   which   she   does   not   need   longer.  However,   throwing   away   what   she   cherished   is   not  happening  easily.  On  the  other  hand,  when  she  feels  that  she   can’t   stand   a   certain   situation;   she   literally   knocks  over   the  entire  appearance  of  me.   It  happens  when   she  confronts   a   highly   complex   issue,   which   can   be   even  more   complicated   by   listening   to   and   seeing   her  belongings.  She  has  gone  through  three  major  overturns  and   miscellaneous   changes   of   layout   of   furniture   since  she  got  here.  The  first  one  was  giving  away  her  old  desk  and  chair  to  her  friend  and  replacing  it  to  a  new  party  table  and  a  monstrous  office  chair.  The  second  one  was  adding  her  second  desk  received  from  her  other  friend  for  her  old  laptop  and  a  monitor  and  moving  her  party  table  next  to  her  bed.  Third  one  was  moving  one  of  her  clothing  drawer  into  her  closet  and  relocating  her  party  table  into  the  middle  of  her  room.    

Maybe,   clearing  out  part  might  not  be   finished  as  well   as  her   refreshment.   Laura   still  sometimes  wants   to  deal  with  overflowing  clothing   from  the  plastic  drawers.  She  consciously  keeps   her   away   from   shopping.   She   recently   stopped   at   her   favorite   shopping   at   Goodwill.  Having  a  huge  party  table  might  be  the  actual  first  warning  that  she  cannot  hold  more  in  this  room.  Fortunately,   that  big  party  table  will  be  folded  and  stored  after  her  thesis   is  done.  She  might  learn  a  lesson  that  having  ‘all’  you  need  could  harm  you.  I  still  believe  that  a  room  packed  with  “materials”  will  not  give  person  comfortable  feeling.    

However,  my  belief  might  not  work  for  Laura.  I  can  see  Laura’s  love  of  her  belongings,  although   she   sometimes   screams,   “I   have   too  much!”   She  needs   “materials”   to   do   anything.  Maybe,  in  her  case,  she  might  actually  feel  more  comfortable  with  materials.  What  a  material  person  she  is!  As  a  room  wants  to  be  cleaned  and  neat,  what  I  can  do  is  probably  just  watching  her  since  I  cannot  break  myself  to  teach  her  something.  I  think  this  is  the  time  she’d  better  to  

step  out  and  reduce  her  belonging  if  she  wants  to  stay  with  me  longer.    Unfortunately,  now  I  have  a  few  months  to  live  with  her.  I  don’t  think  that  she  will  clean  up  more  before  moving  out;  but,   I   hope   she   could   meet   a   bigger   room   next   time   so   that   she   doesn’t   feel   like   her   as   a  hoarder.    

The  Wall  

Although   the   room  might   be   very  much   shocked   by   Laura’s   overflowing   random   belongings  comparing  to  her  size,  I,  the  walls  of  Laura’s  room,  think  that  Laura  is  a  very  nice  person.  She  is  interested  in  how  to  decorate  me  regardless  of  how  big  or  small  I  am.  I  must  be  the  ones  that  have  experienced  the  most  touch  of  Laura.  She  couldn’t  leave  me  blank  no  matter  what  kinds  of  walls  I  am.  I  consist  of  five  different  sizes  of  white  painted  wooden  walls,  two  windows  in  one  of  the  walls,  one  closet  with  two  wood  panel  sliding  doors,  and  the  wood  door.  All  parts  of  me  are  decorated  with  different  objects,  which  she  can  easily  approach  and  look  at.  I  have  enjoyed  how  she  lays  and  sticks  something  one  me  because  it  is  kind  of  boring  to  be  blank  and  clean.    

Originally,   Laura   had  maps   of   Korea,   Japan,   and   the  U.S.  The  Korean  map  was  facing  Japanese  and  the  U.  S.  map;  The  Korean   map   still   remain   in   the  same   spot,  which   is   on   the   side  with  her  bad.  The   Japanese  and  the   U.   S.   maps   were   above   of  her   old   desk.   She   also   attached  hundreds  of  post-­‐its  on  the  U.S.  map.   Her   notes   were   about  issues  of  locations.  For  example,  she   attached   a   post-­‐it   saying  “1876   Pennsylvania   World’s   Exposition”   next   to  Pennsylvania.  She  tagged  a  note  of  “1920s  Italian  Gangsters;  prohibition;   flappers;   art   deco”   on   Chicago.   There   were   other   miscellaneous   notes,   such   as  “Don’t  shop  more,”  which  might  be  her  will  to  stop  shopping.    On  the  wall  of  the  Korean  map,  a  big  Hokusai  sea  wave  poster,  “The  Great  Wave  off  Kanagawa,”  used  to  be  set.  The  great  wave  poster,  which  is  as  wide  as  a  half  of  her  open  arms,  with  cream  thick  border  was  the  accent  of  her  room,  reminding  her  of  the  swirling  sea.  She  enjoyed  looking  at  the  poster  from  the  other  side.  One  small  poster  of  Matisse  used  to  be  fixed  on  the  room  door  and  two  small  posters  of  Matisse  and  Hiroshige  were  posted  on  the  sliding  door  of  the  closet.    

Hokusai,  The  Great  Wave  off  Kanagawa  

But  now,  after  the  last  winter,  when  she  faced  a  major  stress  of   her   life   in   Columbia,   she   overturned   all   the   decoration   on  me.  Although   I   think,   at   that   moment,   she   didn’t   have   a   thought   of  leaving  me  as  blank  as  possible.  If  you  open  the  door,  you  can  see  a  half   of  my   side  with  windows   and   then,   on   the   left,   a  wall  with   a  small   poster   of  Magritte’s   “The   Son   of  Man”   is   next   to   a   calendar  which  she  received  from  the  Parish  of  Korean  Catholic  Church  in  St.  Louis.  I  think  it  is  brilliant  to  match  “The  Son  of  Man”  with  the  article  of  the  religion  of  “the  Son  of  God.”    

On  the  right  side,   it   is  blank  but   if  you  take  one  more  step,  you   can   see   the  whole   side   of   the  wall  with  windows.   Each   blank  space  next  to  windows  has  something:  on  the  left,  a  drawing  paper  filled  with  her  notes  and  post-­‐its  of  her  thought,  and  on  the  right,  a  

montage  of  her  family  photos  made  by  her  mom,  which  reminds  her  of  her  early  days.  She  from  time  to  time  spends  some  minutes  in  front  of  that  montage.  I  think  when  she  feels  homesick,  that  montage  could  help  her  to  remember  her  family  in  South  Korea.  

Moreover,  on  the  open  wall  between  window-­‐wall  and  a  closet  wall,  there  are  a  Korean  map  and  a  World  map  and  two  small  posters  which  are  Hiroshige’s  “Drum  Bridge  at  Meguro”  and  Matisse’s   “Gold  Fish.”   Laura   really  appreciates  her  Korean  map  not   just  because   it   is   the  map  of  her  nation  but  she  imagines  the  places  she  has  visited  through  the  roads  on  that  map.  The  world  map  is  also  used  in  the  similar  way.  She  thinks  about  where  she  wants  to  go  and  have  a  travel  of  fantasy  in  her  mind.  Henri  Matisse  is  the  common  favorite  artist  of  her  mother  and  her.  And  Hiroshige  is  one  of  Japanese  artists  she  studies  recently  as  well  as  Hokusai.  If  you  turn  yourself  to  right  side,  there  is  my  last  part,  the  wall  with  a  closet.    And  her  closet  is  always  open,  so   you   can   only   see   one   side   of   her   sliding   door   which   has   two   small   posters,   which   are  Hiroshige’s  swirling  sea  wave  series,  “Inlet  at  Awa  Province,”  and  “Navaro  Rapids.”  Next  to  the  closet,  there  is  a  plastic  storage  and  above  it,  there  is  a  long  mirror  with  a  hot  pink  frame.  So,  the  entire  part  of  me  except  one  wall  next  to  the  door  is  filled  with  something.  And,  all  of  those  decorations  have  meanings  and  usages.    

 My  face  might  be  looked  ugly  for  someone.  My  face  might  be  regarded  as  the  dirtiest  

Matisse,  Gold  Fish;  Hiroshige,  Drum  Bridge  at  Meguro;  Hiroshige,  Inlet  at  Awa  Province;  Hiroshige,  Navaro  Rapids  

Magritte,  The  Son  of  Man    

wall  you  could  have  ever  seen.  I  have  pin  holes  from  multiple  changes  of  posters.  I  have  gummy  stuff  on  my  face  due  to  scotch  tapes.  The  room  might  complain  about  all  the  wall  decorations;  but,  I  appreciate  Laura  that  she  saved  me  from  being  just  “white  painted  walls,”  and  turned  me  into  “walls  of  Laura’s  ideas.”  Her  maps  and  posters  are  her  way  of  expressing  her  interest  and  her  aesthetic.  Her  wall  decorations  are  the  exit  and  the  entrance  of  a  trail  of  her  mind.  I  became  her  dream  sketchbook  and  I  like  it!  Maybe  when  the  first  time  she  put  her  U.S.  map  on  my  face,  that  must  be  the  moment  I  became  walls  of  her  dreams.    

The  Closet  

You   never   thought   that   a   closet   can   have   an   opinion   of   its   owner.   I   am   just   a   small   closet  located   in   Laura’s   room.   I   am  with   sliding  door   consisting  of   two  wood   sliding  panels.   I   have  never  been  in  a  dark  owing  to  her  generosity  of  much,  much  clothing,  many,  many  bags,  and  so  much  other  stuff.  I  feel  always  full  and  satisfied,  although  I  do  not  think  I  satisfied  her.  Being  in  a  dark  with  clothing  is  fun  to  talk  back-­‐  not  necessarily  gossip-­‐  about  her;  on  the  other  hand,  it  is  almost  hard  to  get  away  from  keeping  smells  and  moistures  and  losing  attentions  of  owner,  Laura.    

I   remember   the  moment   that   she  closed  my  door;  but   she   failed,   simply  because   she  just  could  not  keep  eye  on  her  clothing.  She  does  not  want  to  spend  any  minute  to  open  me  and  look  in  clothing.  If  she  needs  something  to  wear,  her  clothing  has  to  speak  up  not  wait  in  a  dark.  It  is  such  an  honor  for  those  clothing  because  if  they  are  not  in  her  face,  they  would  not  get  any  attention  as  much  as  they  can  get  when  they  are   in  drawers.  Actually,  on  the  side  of  two   sliding   panels   overlapped,   clothing  behind  of   the  doors   is  mostly   in   off-­‐seasons,   such   as  winter  clothing  during  the  summer.  That  means,  Laura  cleans  and  turns  over  her  clothing  every  season.  So,  it  is  not  true  that  she  keeps  everything  randomly.    

My  companies  –her  clothing,  her  bags,  her  hats,  her  toys,  her  fabrics,  and  her  blankets  are  always  waiting  for  Laura.  New  comers  are  always  welcomed  in  their  minds  but  at  the  same  time,  older  buddies  feel  suffocated  due  to  running  out  of  space.  In  every  morning,  members  of  clothing  are  always  fighting  each  other  to  be  picked  by  her.  There  are  some  her  favorites  which  have  been  chosen  often,  such  as  shirts.  This  spring  is  not  a  happy  time  for  her  and  dozens  of  her  spring   jackets   because   the   unusual   hot   weather   keeps   her   from   choosing   them   and   shining  herself.  While  they  are  complaining,  her  winter  jumpers  take  some  rest  although  they  were  not  as  happy  as  spring  jackets  now  due  to  other  heaver  winter  coats  which  had  been  worn  during  the  winter.    

Nicer  dresses  are  ever  waiting  companies  since  Laura  came  to  the  U.S.  Laura  has  not  as  many  chances  to  wear  them  as  she  was  in  Korea.  She  no  longer  goes  out  as  often  as  she  did  in  

Korea.  She  doesn’t  dress  up  as  much  as   she  did.   In   fact,   she   seems   that   she  doesn’t  want   to  wear   them   for   school   because   she   feels   like   no   one   around   her   really   understands   and  appreciates   her   fashion   and   styling,   although   I   think   she   has   some   interesting   philosophy   in  fashion  which  is  hard  to  understand.    Her  bags  in  me  have  had  the  most  miserable  time  in  the  U.S  just  like  the  fancy  dress  ladies.  There  are  some  privileged  bags  with  less  privileged  looking  outside  of  me  except  her  most  expensive  bag,  the  Freitag.  They  got  the  most  love  from  her  for  better  function.  Her  hats  are  sitting  in  my  shelf  also  waiting  for  Laura’s  call.  Her  designers  toys  are   anxious   to   be   displayed   somewhere   than   inside   of   me;   her   fabrics   are   expecting   to   be  turned  into  something.  Her  blankets  are  sleeping  until  she  needs  them.  

I  feel  sorry  that  fewer  special  occasions  led  her  to  be  a  boring  person.  She  sighs  a  lot  in  front   of  me  when   she  matches   up   clothing   pulled   out   from  me.   She   yields   all   the   beautiful  pieces  to  me  and  chooses  the  most  casual  and  sometimes  boring  pieces.  I  am  not  making  a  bad  comment  about  the  plain  buddies  but  I  hope  that  all  the  other  my  fashionable  friends  also  can  have   a   chance   to   be   chosen   by   her   as  much   as   they  want   to   be   so   that   Laura   can   be  more  colorful  than  now.    

To  my  all  needy  friends,  I  want  to  say  that  there  is  a  reason  why  she  brings  you  all  the  way  from  Korea  and  keeps  you  inside  of  me.  Laura  does  not  lose  her  love  for  them.  Laura  does  still  need  you  to  be  a  part  of  her  world.  I  am  not  her  belong  but  a  space  to  keep  her  stuff,  and  I  partly   envy  my   friends-­‐   clothing,   bags,   toys,   fabrics,   and   blankets   who   can   be   with   her   and  dream  of  a  travel  with  her.  Unfortunately  I  am  not  the  best  fit  for  all  of  the  buddies;  but  I  am  a  happy   closet  with   all   different   friends   and   a   devoted   user,   Laura.   I   already   feel   like   I  will   be  lonely  and  missing  when  they  and  Laura  all  gone.    

 

Reference:  

Hokusai,  “The  Great  Wave  off  Kanagawa,”  retrieved  from  http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-­‐HSID_USYhbE/TxBDlG-­‐qVbI/AAAAAAAAB_M/CUm1BZcoVUY/s1600/hokusai-­‐great-­‐wave.jpeg  

Rene  Magritte,  “The  Son  of  Man,”  retrieved  from  http://www.leninimports.com/rene_magritte_the_son_of_man_shop_a_print.jpg    

Henri  Matisse,  “Gold  Fish,”  retrieved  from  http://cache2.artprintimages.com/p/LRG/20/2058/RCB2D00Z/art-­‐print/henri-­‐matisse-­‐goldfish.jpg  

Utagawa  Hiroshige,  “Drum  Bridge  at  Meguro,”  retrieved  from  http://www.poster.net/hiroshige-­‐ando/hiroshige-­‐ando-­‐drum-­‐bridge-­‐at-­‐meguro-­‐9968905.jpg  

Utagawa  Hiroshige,  “Inlet  at  Awa  Province,”  retrieved  from  http://www.diversitystore.com/ds/images/products/AwaXL.jpg  

Utagawa  Hiroshige,  “Navaro  Rapids,”  retrieved  from  http://cache2.artprintimages.com/p/LRG/9/912/9BHX000Z/art-­‐print/ando-­‐hiroshige-­‐navaro-­‐rapids-­‐c-­‐1855.jpg  

I Just Hate…

By

Cheng Zhang

Serve? Eat? I love. I hate.

I hate the uniform set, a sloppy cheap dark yellow polo which we have to tuck in pants, and a black MIZZOU cap which shrinks a lot in the wash and makes hair stick on my forehead.

I hate wearing “powder free” plastic gloves which do have powder inside and we are asked to change every half an hour. I hate the chemical factory smell on my hands when I’m done working.

I hate the full timers who always lazily lean on door texting messages, doing trash talk and asking student employees to do the work they are supposed to do.

I hate student supervisors tell me how to serve and do cleaning with a long cold face although I have been working much longer. You know what? They are not my boss. Why do they leave me a face like that?

I hate the warmers and toast machines where I got burned a couple of times on the arm. Once it hurt, I rushed to the office applying gel on the red, burning skin. Watch out! I don’t want my arm to be toasted. Poor me!

I hate some odd ladies ask for four pieces of banana pepper, four pieces of black olive, four types of seasoning and dressing, and have the sandwich cut in triangle.

I hate full timers try to explain something to me with a loud, slow and stupid voice as if I don’t know English. “Put…the…pot…ON…the…fire!” “Do you know soapy water? Soapy! Oh, you know that?” Come on!

I hate smelling cookies during the shift but I just CAN’T try but see them being taken by customers. Don’t tell me cookies are sooo good. Don’t, please!

I hate “can I have the chicken leg in the corner”, “can you make a melt without tomato”, “can I have xxx, xxx…oh, never mind, it looks nasty”.

I hate after filling the lettuce in five minutes, it’s all gone and just several pieces scatter around the counter. If customers really want to be green, why do they grab a whole plate of fries?

I hate removing oil stains from windows. Wipe down with a soapy rag, spray with a glass cleanser and clean with paper towels. If it doesn’t look perfect, we have to do all those again…

I hate…

I just hate…

�39)��%<��3��87��)135<� )1%-26��� � �<���82.33��))�

����<�,31)73:2��7,)�40%')�3*�2367%0+-%�� �

�3�75%-26�%2(�23�'%56�� �

�3�5%(-36�%2(�23�7)0)9-6-326��

",)<�,%(�320<�7:3�43:)5*80�0)+6�� �

",)<�:)5)�3*�%00�,-+,�64-5-76�%2(�320<�',%77)5)(�:-7,387�&5)%/6�� �

�87�7,)�&3<6�%2(�+-506�:)5)�%0:%<6�,%44<�%2(�.3<*80�-2�7,)�())4�5)137)�13827%-2386�9-00%+)��-2�:,-',�7,)5)�:)5)�5)%00<�23�'%56�%2(�75%-26��

�2�7,)�0%7)�:-27)5��7,)<�:380(�586,�73�7,)�*-)0(�73�'%7',�61%00�5%&&-76��:,-',�:)5)�5822-2+�3273�7,)�13827%-26��'39)5)(�:-7,�:,-7)�623:���2')�-2�%�:,-0)��32)�3*�7,)�&3<6�:380(�'%7',�%�5%&&-7�%2(�7,)2�%00�3*�7,)�37,)56�:)5)�+%7,)5-2+�73�+-9)�7,)�0-770)�5%&&-7�631)7,-2+�73�)%7�:-7,387�&)-2+�()7)'7)(�&<�7,)-5�67)52�4%5)276���2�30(�1%2�4%66-2+�&<�868%00<�'0)%5)(�,-6�7,53%7�73�+-9)�86�%�:%52-2+�7,%7�7,)5)�1-+,7�&)�7,)-5�4%5)276��:,3�2)9)5�*%-0)(�73�62%7',�7,)�5%&&-7�*531�385�+5%646���7�7,%7�7-1)�7,)5)�:%6�0-770)�*33(�*35�7,)�%2-1%06�&)'%86)�-7�:%6�7,)�7-1)�:,)2�4)340)�0-9)(�4335�0-9)6�)238+,�237�73�,%9)�*35�1)2��&3<6�%2(�+-506��

!,)�:%6�&538+,7�84�-2�7,-6�5)137)�9-00%+)�0-/)�7,)�37,)5�&3<6�%2(�+-506�%7�7,%7�7-1)�%2(�0-9)(�7,)5)�827-0�6,)�'%1)�73�%�0-770)�&-++)5�73:2�73�)27)5�7,)�)0)1)27%5<�6',330���)5�4%5)276��)64)'-%00<�,)5�137,)5��:)5)�9)5<�9-+35386�-2�)(8'%7-2+�7,)-5�',-0(5)2�%2(�7,)�320<�+3%0�3*�7,)-5�0-9)6�:%6�73�1%/)�7,)�',-0(5)2�9)5<�0-7)5%7)�4)340)�-2�7,)�9-00%+)��",)5)*35)�7,)<�85+)(�7,)-5�',-0(5)2�73�+3�73�%�9)5<�45-9-0)+)(�,-+,�6',330�:,-',�:%6�*%1386�*35�45)4%5-2+�-76�678()276�*35�45)67-+-386�82-9)56-7-)6���385�6-&0-2+6�3*�,)56�0)*7�7,)-5�,31)73:2�32)�%*7)5�%237,)5�*35�*3003:-2+�7,)�53%(�3*�68'')66��0)%9-2+�,31)73:2�&),-2(�� �

�7�:%6�237�827-0�7:)27<�<)%56�)0%46)(�7,%7�6,)�9-6-7)(�7,)5)�%+%-2��",)�&-+�75))�%5382(�:,-',�6,)�:%6�40%<-2+�:-7,�1%2<�*5-)2(6�033/)(�18',�61%00)5�7,%2�-7�:%6�820-/)�7,)�32)�())4�5337)(�-2�,)5�1)135<���367�30(�4)340)�6,)�/2):�(-6%44)%5)(�-2�7,)�9-00%+)�

%2(�7,)�9)5<�*):�:)5)�0)*7�%032)�%2(�,%(�%05)%(<�&)'31)�7,)�%+)�3*�+5%2(�1316��",)�&3<6�%2(�+-506��:,3�:)5)�%7�32)�7-1)�,)5�*5-)2(6��&)'%1)�*%7,)56�%2(�1316�3*�37,)5�&3<6�%2(�+-506���6�"-1)�:)27�&<��6,)�:%6�&)'31-2+�30()5�%2(�30()5��#,%7�6,)�:%27)(�73�&)�%7�7,)�131)27�:%6�,%9)�7,)�+)2)5386�61-0)�7,)�%&39)�>1)27-32)(�30(�1%2�,%(�� �

�

�237,)5�()'%()�,%6�4%66)(�%+%-2�6-2')�6,)�0)*7�-7��:))4-2+�,)%9-0<�:-7,�7,)�7,38+,7�3*�237�6))-2+�-7�%2<�135)��",)�())4�63553:�6,)�*)07�32�7,)�1352-2+�3*�7,)�(%<�6,)�0)*7�-7�%0:%<6�5)1%-26�73�1)�%6�-*�-7�:)5)�%�6')2)�-2�7,)�30(�139-)�� �

!,)�:%276�73�5)7852�73�1<�,31)73:2�%+%-2�%7�7,-6�131)27�73�&)�%�7)2�<)%5�30(�+-50�� �

�367%0+-%��

�

���",)�61%00�&53/)2�1-5535� �� � �%9)�<38�)9)5�);4)5-)2')(�7,)�7-1)�:,)2�<38�%5)�%&387�73�34)2��%2(35%@6��3;�-2�<385�0-*)���5�,%9)�<38�)9)5�1)7�68',�%�131)2781�7,%7�<38�%5)�)2+%+)(�-2�631)32)@6�6)'5)7�63�())40<�7,%7�<38�'%2@7�'31)�84�:-7,�%2<�-()%�-2�:,-',�<38�'%2�()%0�:-7,�-7�� �

��,%9)����34)2)(�7,)�&3;�.867�:,)2���:%6�320<�6-;�<)%56�30(��",)�&3;�:%6�:,%7���:%6�*35')(�237�73�34)2�&87���'380(2@7�487�84�:-7,�7,)�'85-36-7<�7,%7�%7�0%67����6855)2()5)(�73�7,)�7)147%7-32��"3�6))�:-7,�1<�3:2�)<)6�:,%7�'327)276�-7�,%(��320<�73�*-2(�7,%7�7,)5)�:%6�%�6)'5)7���,%(�2)9)5�:%27)(�73�/23:�%&387�� � �7�:%6�%�6735<�7,%7�,%44)2)(�2)%50<���<)%56�%+3��:,)2���:%6�6-;�<)%56�30(��7,)�0%67�:-27)5���67%<)(�:-7,�1<�+5%2(4%5)276�%7�1<�,31)73:2����:%6�684436)(�73�0)%9)�7,)5)�63�7,%7���'380(�139)�73�%�'-7<�:,)5)�1<�4%5)276�0-9)(�%2(�+3�73�%2�)0)1)27%5<�6',330��

",)5)�:%6�%�&3;�-2�7,)�'036)7��:,-',�:%6�63�6)'5)70<�',)5-6,)(�&<�1<�+5%2(137,)5��!,)�34)2)(�7,)�&3;�%*7)5�%00�1<�*)1%0)�'386-26�'%1)�73�60))4�%7�2-+,7�%2(�5)40%')(�-7�-2�7,)�()6-+2%7)(�40%')�:-7,387�*%-0���7�7,%7�7-1)���:%6�64)2(-2+�7-1)�:-7,�1<�*)1%0)�'386-2�40%<-2+�1%2<�75%(-7-32%0�+%1)6��5)%(-2+�631)�&-3+5%4,-)6�35�0)%52-2+�%&387�7,)�,)5-7%+)�3*�1<�*%1-0<�*531�1<�+5%2(*%7,)5��",)�'386-2�:%6�3*�1<�%+)�%2(�:)�:)5)�63�-27-1%7)�%2(�6-1-0%5�73�)%',�37,)5�7,%7�:)�:)5)�3*7)2�1-67%/)2�%6�7:-26�&<�2)-+,&356����,%9)�1<�3:2�6-67)5�&87�6,)�:%6�320<�7,5))�<)%56�30(��:,-',�1)%27�7,%7���'380(�237�,%9)�

%2<�'329)56%7-32�:-7,�1<�3:2�6-67)5�� � �2�*%'7���:%6�7,)�)0()67�32)�%132+�86��)9)2�7,38+,�-7�6382()(�%�0-770)�:)-5(��

",)�7:3�6-;�<)%5�30(�+-506�:)5)�'85-386�%&387�7,)�&3;�32�7,)�'036)7���35)�675-'70<�64)%/-2+��:)�:)5)�%775%'7)(�73�7,)�'85-36-7<�%&387�7,)�'327)276�3*�7,)�&3;�%6�-*�7,)�%276�:)5)�%775%'7)(�73�7,)�6:))7�7,-2+6�%2(�'%76�:)5)�%775%'7)(�73�7,)�*-6,�%7�%2<�40%')��#)�-1%+-2)(�7,%7�63�1%2<�*%2'<�:350(6�:380(�&)�-2�7,)�&3;��#)�'380(�7%67)�7,)�'%2(-)6��487�32�45)77<�,%-5�&%2(6�3*�(5)%1��%2(�)9)2�+3�-273�7,)�#32()50%2(�0-/)��0-')���87�:)�:)5)�0-770)�+-506�%2(�,%(�23�',3-')�&87�73�-1%+-2)�:,%7�:)5)�68',�%2(�68',�7,-2+6�-2�7,)�&3;�� �

�2)�(%<��1<�'386-2�:,-64)5)(�73�1)�-2�%�03:�93-')��

A",)5)�1867�&)�%�037�3*�4)22-)6�%2(�:)�'%2�&8<�&8&&0)�+81�-*�<38�,)04�1)�73�+)7�7,)1�387�B�

A�7�6382(6�5-(-'80386�B���);45)66)(�1<�(-6&)0-)*�%2(�5)40-)(��A�*�:)�%5)�()7)'7)(��:)�:-00�&)�6'30()(�%2(�(5-9)2�%:%<�*531�,31)�B�

A�3)6�-7�033/�-14366-&0)�73�7%/)�-7�B�

A�7�685)0<�(3)6�B���5)40-)(��

��*):�(%<6�0%7)5��6,)�67%57)(�73�1)27-32�7,)�&3;�%+%-2��

A�5%2(1%�86)(�73�+3�%2(�:%7)5�7,)�9)+)7%&0)6�)9)5<�1352-2+�B�

A�2(�63�:,%7�B�

A!,)�:380(�&)�&%'/�73�,31)�7:3�,3856�0%7)5�B�

AC�B�

A$38��63�7-1-(�0-/)�%�5%&&-7�B�

A�3�:%<�B�

A$38�%5)�'3:%5(0<����%1�685)�B�

A�3�B�

A$38�&)7�B�

A��&)7�B�

A�2(�7,)2�/2))0�<3856)0*����:-00�13827�<385�&%'/�%2(�'%7',�7,)�&3;�*35�1<6)0*�B�

#,-0)�&)2(-2+�*35�,)5�73�62%7',�-7����:%6�6758++0-2+�73�7,-2/�3*�1%2<�7,-2+6�-2�7,)�&3;�� �

?�)%87-*80�.):)06��*35�')57%-2�@�

?��*):�4)22-)6�@�

?�)0-'-386�'33/-)6��%7�0)%67@�

A��'%8+,7�-7�B� �

A�%2�<38�033/�-2�B�

A#%-7�%�1-287)��#%-7�%�1-287)�B�

A#,%7�(-(�<38�*-2(�B���%6/)(��1%/-2+�*%')�:-7,�,)5�32�1<�&%'/��

!,)�67)44)(�(3:2�73�7,)�*0335�%2(�:)�:)5)�%00�)<)6�%2(�)%56�73�*-2(�387�7,)�9%08%&0)6�3*�1<�+5%2(1%��

�

#,%7�'%2�<38�+8)66�:)�*382(�-2�7,)�&3;��

��61%00�&53/)2�1-5535�:%6�0)*7�-2�7,)�&3;��%2(�-7�:%6�7,)�320<�7,-2+�:)�'380(�*-2(��

�7�:%6�7,)�9)5<�7,-2+�7,%7�1<�+5%2(1%�:%6�',)5-6,-2+�827-0�6,)�4%66)(�%:%<�%2(�%�6%(�6735<�%&387�-7�:%6�:%-7-2+�*35�86�%7�7,)�131)27��

�

�39)�1%<�+3�&87�1)135<�5)1%-26��

�)135<�1%<�+3�&87�7,)�032+�:%-7)(�5)0-)*�:380(�237�'31)�73�,)5��

�

���*���'380(�1))7�1<�&)039)(�%827�:,3�4%66)(�%:%<�032+�7-1)�%+3��

�

��� � � A$38�,%9)�5)1%-2)(�32)�3*�1<�*%935-7)�5)0%7-9)6�84�73�23:�&)'%86)�<38�:)5)�7,)�320<�32)�%132+�7,)1�7,%7�)2'385%+)(�1)�73�(3�)9)5<7,-2+���:%27)(�73�(3B�

!,)�� � A )%00<���87���'%2@7�5)1)1&)5�%2<7,-2+���730(�<38�%7�7,%7�7-1)�&)'%86)�63�1%2<�<)%56�,%9)�4%66)(�6-2')�:)�1)7�63�032+�7-1)�%+3�B�

��� � � � A�827���7�:%6�:,)2���:%6�320<�6-;�<)%56�30(�7,%7���1)7�<38�*35�7,)�*-567�7-1)�%2(�*35�7,)�0%67�7-1)�-2�1<�0-*)��$38�'%1)�73�1<�,386)��&5-2+-2+�<385�320<�632�32)�<)%5�30()5�7,%2�1)�B�

!,)�� � � A�,����'%2�5)1)1&)5�7,%7�23:��$38�:)5)�733�61%00�73�738',�1<�,%2(6��$38�:)5)�18',�61%00)5�'314%5)(�73�37,)5�2-)')6�3*�1-2)�B�

��� � � A�00�3*�%�68(()2����:%6�6)9)5)0<�6'30()(�&<�1<�131�&)'%86)���:%6�63�,)6-7%27�%6�73�,-()�1<6)0*�&),-2(�7,)�:%00����,%(����%1�685)��%�0-770)�,355-*-)(�033/�32�1<�*%')�%2(�:%0/)(�&%'/:%5(�73�67)%0�%:%<�*531�<38�%2(�131���7�7,%7�131)27��C<38C68(()20<CB�

!,)�� � A��'%8+,7�<38�&<�7,)�,%2(�%2(�67%57)(�73�7%0/�73�<38�0-/)�7,-6��?$38��63�45)77<�+-50����:%27�73�7%/)�<38�73�1<�,31)�%2(�&5-2+�<38�84�-267)%(�3*�<385�4%5)276���6�<38�/23:����,%9)�23�(%8+,7)5�%7�%00��#380(�<38�+3�73+)7,)5�%2(�0-9)�:-7,�1)�*35)9)5����:-00�+-9)�<38�:,%7)9)5�<38�:%27��68',�%6�+33(�'037,)6��+33(�*33(��%2(�135)�7,%2�%2<7,-2+�)06)����'%2�+-9)�<38�%6�1%2<�&33/6�%6�<38�'%2�5)%(���3:�%&387�<38�B�

��� � � � A��&)+%2�73�'5<�*35�7,)�,35535�7,%7���'380(�&)�6)4%5%7)(�*531�1<�*%1-0<��",)�);'-7-2+�*8785)�<38�1)27-32)(�:%62@7�63�%775%'7-9)�73�1)��%�+-50�320<�6-;�<)%56�30(����730(�<38�63�1%2<�5)%6326�:,<���'380(�+3�:-7,�<38�0)%9-2+�1<�*%1-0<�&),-2(����'%2@7�5)1)1&)5�);%'70<�:,%7���6%-(�7,%7�(%<���7�1867�,%9)�&))2�C9)5<�%&685(�-2�5)75364)'7B�

!,)�� � � A���75-)(�73�'31*357�<38�6%<-2+��?�32@7�:355<��2-)')����:32@7�7%/)�<38�73�7,)�40%')�:,)5)�<38�(32@7�:%27�73�+3���87�1<�2-)')��61%57�+-50��,3:�%&387�&)'31-2+�135)�

-27)00-+)27�)238+,�73�+3�%2(�678(<�%&53%(��*35�);%140)��%4%2�:,)5)���0-9)�23:����:-00�6844357�<38�*35�032+�7-1)6�-*�<38�:%27�73�678(<�7,)5)�B�

��� � � � A�827����'380(2@7�1))7�<38�%2<�032+)5�&)'%86)�<38�5)7852)(�73��%4%2��$38�6)27�1)�%�037�3*�&33/6�%2(�132)<�73+)7,)5����:%6�%0:%<6�(5)%1-2+�3*�1))7-2+�<38�%+%-2�(85-2+�1<�6',330(%<6����:%27�73�&)�%�4)5632�0-/)�<38��%2�%(9)2785386�4)5632�:-7,387�%2<�&382(6�-2�1<�0-*)�B�

!,)�� � � A#,)2���,)%5(�3*�7,)�2):6�3*�<385�&)-2+�%�'300)+)�*5)6,1%2����:%6�63�);'-7)(�7,%7���:%6�2)%50<�%&387�73�*0<�-2�7,)�6/<�0-/)�%�&-5(����&)0-)9)(�<38�:380(�1%/)�-7��32�7,)�+5382(�7,%7�<38�,%(�&))2�63�'385%+)386�%6�73�()*)2(�<3856)0*�%7�7,)�%+)�3*�6-;����:%27�73�1))7�<38�%+%-2��733�B�

��� � � � A",)�0%67�0)77)5���+37�*531�<38�:%6�+-9)2�73�1)�7,538+,�32)�3*�1<�*%'807<���)�,%2()(�1)�7,)�0)77)5�:5-77)2�-2�'0816<��35)%2�0)77)56�&)'%86)�<38�,%(�0)*7��35)%�%7�7,)�%+)�3*�6)9)27))2��$385�0)77)5�1%()�1)�'5<�%00�(%<�032+��",)5)�:%6�%�����<)2�&-00�-2�-7�:-7,�%�0)77)5�*531�<38��$385�0%67�1)27-32�:%6�0-/)�7,-6��

?��,34)�<38�:-00�+)7�39)5�)9)5<�(-**-'807<�<38�%5)�*%'-2+����%1�685)�7,%7�<38�:-00�1%/)�-7�%2(�7,)2�:)�'%2�1))7�%+%-2�,%9-2+�,%44<�033/6�631)(%<�@B�

!,)�� � � A��'380(2@7�1))7�<38�%+%-2�&)'%86)��%6�<38�/23:�C�B�

��� � � � � A�;%'70<�7:3�1327,6�0%7)5����+37�%�'%00�*531�131�6%<-2+�7,%7�<38�4%66)(�%:%<�*35�<385�,)%57�%77%'/�-2��%4%2�C���3:�'%2���);45)66�1<�63553:�C��$38�:)5)�.867�� �<)%56�30(�%2(�<385�320<�632�:%6����<)%56�30(C����<�131�%2(�(%(�:)5)�%063�63�6)5-3860<�,)%57�&53/)2�%7�7,)�2):6�3*�<385�()%7,�B�

!,)�� � � A�87��&%&<����/2):�%00�,%44<�2):6�<38�,%(�1%()����%1�63�);'-7)(�%+%-2�B�

��� � � � � A�827����,%9)�&))2�%0:%<6�75<-2+�73�);45)66�1<�7,%2/6�73�<38����3:)�73�<38�)9)5<7,-2+�:,3���%1��&)�-7�)9)5�63�,81&0)����,%9)�%063�&))2�)%+)5�73�1))7�<38�%+%-2��)9)2�-2�7,)�(5)%1�B�

!,)�� � � A�)003��1<�2-)')���7�-6�237�*35�<385�6%/)�&87�*35�1<�6%/)�7,%7���,)04)(�%2(�6844357)(�<38����%1�135)�7,%2�7,%2/*80�73�<38�*35�+53:-2+�84�%�+33(�4)5632�%6���);4)'7)(����039)�<38�63�18',�B�

��� � � � � AC�B�

�

��",)�(-**-'807�7-1)6�73�%00�3*�86���7�7,%7�7-1)�-2�7,)�)%50<�� ��6��7,)5)�:%6�%�'0)%5�(-6'5-1-2%7-32�&)7:))2�6326�%2(�

(%8+,7)56�-2��35)%2�75%(-7-32%0�63'-)7<��:,)5)�-7�:%6�237�82868%0�73�45)*)5�&3<6�73�(%8+,7)56�34)20<��!326�-2�%�*%1-0<�1)%2�7,%7�7,)�4%5)276�'%2�5)0<�32�7,)-5�0%7)5�(%<6�%2(�+)7�631)�*-2%2'-%0�6844357�*531�7,)1��&87�+-506�:)5)�033/)(�8432�%6�0%&35�*35')�827-0�7,)<�0)*7�,31)�:-7,�1%55-%+)���9)5<�4%5)27�:%6�()937)(�73�+-9-2+�7,)-5�6326�%6�+33(�)(8'%7-32�%6�4366-&0)�&87�7,)<�(-(2@7�4%<�18',�%77)27-32�73�(%8+,7)56@�)(8'%7-32���<�+5%2(4%5)276�:)5)�%132+�3*�7,)1��:,-',�1%()�-7�(-**-'807�*35�1%2<�3*�1<�%8276�73�&)�0-7)5%7)�%2(�)(8'%7)(�-2�%�,-+,)5�)(8'%7-32%0�-267-787)���)%50<�%00�3*�1<�%8276�6758++0)(�73�+3�32�7,)-5�678(<-2+�%*7)5�7,)<�+5%(8%7)(�*531�7,)�)0)1)27%5<�6',330���7�:%6�237�%�1%77)5�3*�132)<�&87�%�1%77)5�3*�45).8(-')���7�:%6�032+�&)*35)��35)%�:%6�-2(8675-%0-=)(�%2(�7,)��35)%26�:)5)�&%5)�-2�7,)-5�2)')66-7-)6�:-7,387�(38&7�� �

��,%(�23�1)135<�3*�1))7-2+�,)5�&)*35)�6,)�0)*7����:%6�237�730(�6735-)6�%&387�,)5�&)'%86)�23�32)�-2�1<�*%1-0<�:%6�:-00-2+�73�64)%/�387�%&387�,)5�*35�631)�5)%632��",)5)�1-+,7�,%9)�&))2�631)�6)'5)76����+8)66��:,-',�:%6�5)0%7)(�73�,)5�);-67)2')��#,%7���:%6�730(�:%6�7,%7���:%6�63�6-1-0%5�73�,)5�-2�1%2<�:%<6��*35�);%140)��-2�1<�678&&3522)66��-2&352�3**)26-9)2)66�73�7,)�30(�75%(-7-32��%2(�82��'3275300)(�*85<�%7�7,)�)%50<�%+)�� �

�5%2(137,)5�86)(�73�6%<�73�1)��

A�-506�6,380(�&)�135)�4%7-)27��37,)5:-6)�<38�:-00�&)�);4)5-)2'-2+�63�18',�1-6)5<�-2�<385�*8785)�0-/)�,)5�C����32@7�5)%(�135)�&33/6�7,%2�<38�2))(���-506�,%9)�320<�73�/23:�%&387�,3:�73�67-7',�%2(�,3:�73�'33/���*�<38�%5)�75<-2+�73�0)%52�135)�%&387�7,)�387)5�:350(��<38�:-00�*%')�7,)�1367�(-**-'807�7,-2+6�B�

�<�'386-2�3*�1<�%+)�:%6�9)5<�45)77<�%2(�%1-%&0)�73�1<�)<)6��!,)�:%6�039)(�&<�1%2<�5)0%7-9)6�&)'%86)�6,)�/2):�,3:�73�&),%9)�:)00�%6�%�<382+�+-50�-2�*5327�3*�7,)1��!,)�:%6�'87)�%2(�'326-()5%&0<�(-6+8-6%&0)�)238+,�73�+)7�18',�6<14%7,<�*531�)0()56�:,)2�2)')66%5<��!,)�:%6�+33(�%7�6-2+-2+�%2(�(%2'-2+�73�%2�);7)27�-7�'380(�-264-5)�18',�,%44-2)66�73�1<�82'0)�%2(�%827���2�7,)�37,)5�,%2(����:%6�5)+%5()(�%6�%�643-0)(�+-50��4)56-67-2+�7,%7���:380(�,%9)�)9)5<7,-2+�-2�1<�:%<���00�7,%7���:%6�45%-6)(�*35�:,)2���:%6�

<382+�:%6�5)%(-2+�%6�1%2<�&33/6�%6���,%(�%2(�5)1)1&)5-2+�:,%7���:%6�5)%(-2+���7�6))1)(�7,%7���:%6�-2�%�6)26)�237�%�&)039)(�+-50�0-/)�1<�'386-2��

",)5)*35)����:%6�%0:%<6�'314%5)(�:-7,�,)5�:,)2)9)5�:)�:)5)�73+)7,)5���<�137,)5�:%6�:355-)(�7,%7���:380(�237�&)�%�()')27�+-50�0-/)�,)5�%*7)5���:380(�+53:�84���<�*%7,)5�&0%1)(�1<�131�*35�237�)(8'%7-2+�1)�-2�%�5-+,7�:%<�%*7)5�7%/-2+�-273�'326-()5%7-32�1<�58()2)66�73�1%2<�)0()56����:%6�6855382()(�:-7,�1%2<�',%00)2+)6��2)%50<�%7�7,)�%+)�3*�*385�35�*-9)�<)%56�30(�� �

�<�'386-2��820-/)�1)��:%6�9)5<�'0)9)5�%2(�%7�7,)�6%1)�7-1)�9)5<�1)%2���7�:%6�6,)�:,3�7)147)(�1)�73�34)2�7,)�&3;��!,)�:%6�68',�%�+-50�:,3�(-(�237�9)2785)�7,)�(%2+)5�3*�&)-2+�'%4785)(�:,-0)�67)%0-2+�631)7,-2+�35�1%/-2+�%�4037�3*�&%(�7,-2+6���2�7,)�37,)5�,%2(���:%6�68',�%�+-50�:,3�%0:%<6�+37�%�45)<�73�,)5�7)147%7-32��"3�1)��,)5�4)568%6-32�631)7-1)6�033/)(�-145)66-9)�%6�-*�6,)�'%1)�*531�7,)�64%')���)5�5)%632%&0)�:35(6�1%()�1)�-145)66)(�%2(�:-00-2+�73�(3�)9)5<7,-2+�%6�6,)�0)(�1)�73�(3���)5�&5%9)5<�:%6�&)<32(�1<�%&-0-7<���<�-2*)5-35-7<�(-(2@7�%003:�1)�73�67%<�32�7,)�'352)5�:-7,387�',%2+-2+�1<�%77-78()�� �

�����5)1)1&)5�7,)�0%67�7-1)�<38�0)*7�1)��

�<�137,)5@6�0)77)5�73�,)5�6-67)5�

2�&�$/����(��#��(�) )*�(��

��(�$�$��(�*���#�)*�* $��/&+�#��*�$���*�% ��*�� *�(� %������, #/��%��*��(��-�)�%&�$&&%��%��%&�# ��*���&+�'+*���)$�##�$ ((&(�*��*�/&+����� %*&�$/����� %�)����"%�-�/&+��������( )���� *��&(���#&%��* $�����'(�*�%����*&�)#��'�����+)��������%&��&+(����*&�'�(*�- *��/&+���&+�����*&�#��,���&(���'�%���� %���&$������+)��/&+�-�(����&'*����/�����'�%�)���&+'#���-�&�����%&�" �)��*��##�����/�����-&("����)�*�����()� %�*����&#&% 0����&(���$&(��*��%�*�%�/��()�!+)*����&(���&(�������$�� %��'�%��%*�&����'�%� %����������/�-�(���#)&�/&+(�*�����()�-��%�/&+�-�(�� %��#�$�%*�(/�)��&&#���%��*��/�#��*��&(��� �

���%�/&+����#�(���*��*�/&+�-�%*���*&��&�*&���'�%��*&�)*+�/� %���$&(��# ��(�#��%, (&%$�%*�����+)��*��/���� ����*&���&'*�/&+��)�*�� (���+��*�(���##�&��$/���$ #/�-�(��)*�(*#����%��(���������*�&+��*�*��*�/&+�-&+#�����%�&%�/&+(���$ #/�+%��(�*���&�)�)) &%�- *��$&%�*�(/���'' %�))���&+�$ ��*���,����**�(���+��* &%����**�(�

*(��*$�%*���%����**�(��+*+(�� ��/&+�-�(������'�%�)��� (#�*�(&+�����&'* &%���+*�/&+�-�(��,�(/�)*(&%��- ##��� %��,�(/*� %���%������$��*�� (���+��*�(� %�*����%����/�'�(�%*)�*�&+��*�*��*�*��/�����#&)*�&%��&��*�� (���+��*�()���&+�-�(��*�&+��*�*&���,�����%�������&(�/&+(�&-%���'' %�))�� �*��(�*&&"�*���$ ((&(�/&+�#��*�$���(&$�$/���%���%���#+%�� *�*&�*����(&+%������*&#��$&$�*&�*�(&-� *��-�/�- *�&+*��� %��)��%�*&�� $��%/�#&%��(���&�&%��# "���*&�*�#"���&+*�/&+��%��/&+��(��*(��*����)� ��/&+��������%�������&(���#&%��* $�)�� �

�+*���"%&-��##�*������ %��)*&( �)���&+(�%�-�'�(�%*)���+��*���/&+�- *��*�� (�) %��( */���%�����-�/��()��/&+�����$���%��(�� *��*��%��)*�(*���*&�-&("� %���� ���(�� *��*+(���&$'�%/���*�-�)�%&�-&%��(�*��*�/&+�)�%*�+)�$+���$&%�/�/&+���,��$�����- *��#�**�()��.'(�)) %��/&+(��&$�) �"%�))��%��/&+(�#&%�# %�))���/�'�(�%*)�)� ��%&*� %����&+*�/&+��+*�*��/����%����*�� (��** *+���*&�/&+�����/���,�����%�*��%" %��/&+��&(�/&+(�)��( � �����&+(�$&%�/��%��#����##�$/�) �# %�)�*&���*���**�(����%���*&������+��*�������%")�*&�/&+�����&+#����*���� ���(���+��* &%��%���&&��!&�)���&�/&+�"%&-�$&*��(��#-�/)�"��')�/&+(�$ ((&(� %���(��#&)�*�- *�&+*���*��(1)�"%&- %������$ ((&(�-�)��(&"�%� %*&�*�(���' ���)�����+)����*��(�)$�)���� *�*&�*����(&+%��- *��(��������$�)+(��*��*�)���$+)*����$ )) %��/&+��,�(/���/��������%1*��.'(�))� *��&(����(�*��*���*��(�)�&+#��"%&-�*������*��%������%�(/�- *����(�3�

�<�137,)5@6�0)77)5�)2()(�:-7,�7,-6�6)27)2')��A#)�%5)�%00�1-66-2+�<38�%2(�<385�632���380(�:)�1))7�32)�%237,)5�-2�7,)�*8785)�A�

��,)%5(�135)�6735-)6�%&387�1<�%827�*531�1<�131��!,)�+37�1%55-)(�73�%��%4%2)6)�%5',-7)'7�:,3�:35/)(�-2�7,)�6%1)�'314%2<��%2(�,%(�%�632�32)�<)%5�30()5�7,%2�1)���87�,)5�1%5-7%0�0-*)�:%6�237�,%44<�&)'%86)�,)5�,86&%2(�:%6�237�*%-7,*80�73�,)5�%2(�,)5�632��",)-5�1%55-%+)�7852)(�387�73�&)�6385��)2(-2+�84�(-935')�� �

�<�131�:380(�237�6%<�%2<7,-2+�-2�()7%-0�7,%7�,%(�,-2()5)(�1<�%827@6�0-*)�-2��%4%2���5%2(137,)5�5)+5)77)(�6)2(-2+�,)5�73��%4%2�*35�1%2<�5)%6326��",)�&-++)67�32)�6,)�7,38+,7�:%6�7,%7�7,)<�:)5)�237�5-',�%2(�'-9-0-=)(�)238+,�73�+-9)�7,)-5�(%8+,7)56�+33(�)(8'%7-32��!,)�5)1)1&)5)(�,)5�(%8+,7)5�&<�033/-2+�%7�7,)�&53/)2�1-5535�-2�6)'5)7�%7�2-+,7��

1    

The  Forbidden  Room  By  

Tianyu  Liu    

"Hey,  welcome  back!  How  was   your   trip?"   I   ran   to   the  door  of  my  apartment  and  gave  a  tight  hug  to  my  roommate.    "Fine,"  she  answered  faintly.    "We  are  going  to  have  a  party  at  China  Garden  tonight  with  people  in  my  office  and  some  of  their  friends..."   I  talked  for  five  minutes  without  receiving  any  responses.  I  felt  like  I  was  talking  to  the  air.  It  was  quite  unusual  for  my  roommate,  a  party  animal  who  always  interrupts  me  with  her  ideas  on  how  an  event  should  go,  to  be  so  quiet.  There  were  two  voices   in  my  mind  arguing:  "ask  her  how  her  grandma  was  doing"  versus  "don't  do  that,  she  may  start  crying".    "Does  your  grandma  feel  better?"    "No.  Not  at  all.  She  just  passed  away  on  the  day  I  stepped  on  to  the  plane!"  She  burst  into  tears.      All   of  my  happiness  at  her   return  vanished  at  once.   It   seemed   that  a   tornado  was  sweeping  through  a  forbidden  room  in  my  heart.  There  it  opened  up  my  memory  of  grandpa.      "Do  you  know  how  lucky  you  are  that  you  were  with  your  grandma  at  the  end  of  her  life?  I  wish  I  could  have  treasured  that  time  with  my  grandpa."  It  was  the  first  time  I  talked  about  my  grandpa  since  he  died  ten  years  ago.    My   grandpa  was   a   handsome   old  man  with   a   pair   of   gleaming,   penetrating   eyes.  When  I  looked  into  them,  I  always  had  the  feeling  that  I  could  see  the  universe.  He  was  quite  knowledgeable,  and  for  a  long  period  of  time  in  my  childhood  I  was  afraid  of  talking  to  him.  He  spoke  with  a  heavy  Sichuan  accent  like  Deng  Xiaoping,  the  forth  president   in   China,   and   always   asked   difficult   problems   that   you  would   expect   to  hear   in   class   instead   of   at   home.   He  made  me   feel   as   nervous   as   a   junior   soldier  talking  with  a  general,  but  I  had  always  wanted  to  stay  with  him  since  the  day  I  found  the  forbidden  room.      That  morning  began  so  badly.  I  was  four  years  old  and  had  never  left  my  parents  before,  but  in  the  morning  I  realized  I  was  going  to  spend  a  whole  week  living  in  grandpa's  house  while  my  parents  were  out  of  town  for  business.  Although  it  was  not  the  first  time  I  had  met  him,  I  still  had  trouble  understanding  his  Sichuan  accent.  

2    

Lunch  was  too  spicy  for  me;  I  hardly  ate  any  food  but  stuffed  my  stomach  with  water.  I  escaped  dinner  and  went  to  bed  early;  yet  hunger  and  curiosity  about  what  was  happening  behind  the  door  in  front  of  my  room  kept  me  awake.  A  flash  of  light  kept  flickering  through  the  crack  of  the  door.  I  imagined  with  terror  that  there  was  an  UFO  in  the  room  and  aliens  were  going  to  take  me  off.  Eventually  I  could  not  stand  hiding  under  the  quilt  any  longer  and  knocked  on  the  door.      "Is  anyone  there?"  I  asked  timidly.      No  one  answered,  but  the  door  was  open  and  I  saw  the  buckle  of  my  grandpa's  belt.  "Hey,  my  little  girl,  why  are  you  standing  here?  Did  you  dream  of  something  bad?"  Grandpa  asked  gently.      "No.  But  I  saw  something  bad  flashing  through  this  door.  I  thought  there  is  a  UFO  in  this  room.  Can  I  enter?"    "Of  course,  come  in  but  do  not  touch  anything.  "  Grandpa  grasped  my  hand  and  led  me  towards  the  only  light  in  the  room.  It  was  the  first  time  that  I  noticed  that  his  hand  was  so  big  and  warm.      It  was  a  room  without  windows.  The  only  light  was  coming  from  a  lamp  sitting  on  a  huge  desk.  The  smell  of  the  room  was  not  attractive  to  any  other  kids  but  me.  The  smell  was  not  sweet,  but  a  combination  of  rosin  and  iron.  The  items  on  the  desk  were  full  of  colorful  lines,  small  buttons  like  M&Ms,  green  plastic  boards,  and  some  black  boxes.  I  was  watching  the  room  carefully  when  something  cold  was  stuffed  into  my  hand.  I  looked  down  and  saw  a  prism.    Grandpa  held  my  hand  with  the  prism  towards  the  light  and  said,  "look!  There  is  nothing  scary  in  this  room.  You  are  holding  a  rainbow  in  your  hand.  You  can  keep  it  and  have  a  nice  dream  on  your  bed,  ok?"      "Wow.  It's  cool.  If  I  go  to  bed  now,  can  I  come  here  tomorrow?"  I  begged.    "Yes,  but  you  cannot  enter  the  room  without  me,  and  you  know  the  rule  -­‐-­‐  do  not  touch  anything  unless  I  give  it  to  you.  "    I  nodded  deeply.      The  rest  of  the  week  passed  very  quickly.  I  was  allowed  to  spend  two  hours  in  the  room  each  day  and  received  a  gift  after  each  visit.  When  my  parents  came  to  bring  me  home  at  the  end  of  the  week,  I  even  felt  sad  about  leaving  grandpa  and  asked  them  to  take  me  back  every  weekend.  I  regularly  visited  grandpa  for  the  next  two  years.  In  that  forbidden  room,  he  taught  me  algebra  with  an  abacus,  showed  me  that  an  egg  can  float  out  of  the  water  by  itself,  and  that  a  needle  and  water  can  tell  the  

3    

north.  I  never  thought  the  miracles  would  disappear  in  that  room  until  one  day  he  pointed  at  a  Chinese  character  and  asked  me  what  it  meant.  He  was  really  asking  me  instead  of  testing  me.  The  character  means  hand  and  even  a  child  in  kindergarten  knows  it.  My  grandpa’s  abnormal  behavior  scared  me  and  I  called  my  dad.      The  next  time  I  saw  grandpa,  was  two  days  later.  I  was  told  that  he  had  a  stroke  that  day,  and  although  I  discovered  it  at  an  early  stage  the  cerebral  thrombosis  had  still  damaged  his  cognition.  He  could  not  read  books  anymore  and  his  speech  became  intermittent.  When  I  stood  beside  his  sickbed,  he  told  me  with  difficulty  that  neither  he  nor  I  could  enter  the  forbidden  room  anymore,  but  that  I  could  still  find  miracles  in  this  book.  The  book  was  named  "Tens  of  Thousands  of  Whys"  and  it  was  my  last  gift  from  him.  He  was  right.  In  that  book  I  found  science  behind  the  miracles  we  had  experienced  together.  I  started  to  create  my  own  demonstrations  and  showed  them  to  him  and  to  my  friends.  However,  the  time  I  spent  with  him  became  less  and  less  frequent;  from  once  a  week,  to  once  a  month,  to  once  a  season  in  the  last  two  years  of  his  life  when  he  lost  his  language  ability  completely  and  became  paralyzed.  I  always  thought  his  world  was  static  and  he  could  wait  for  another  week;  but  my  friends  could  not  wait,  my  exams  could  not  wait,  and  everything  else  in  my  life  could  not  wait.      Eventually,  he  could  not  wait  any  longer.  His  heart  stopped  two  hundred  days  after  the  last  time  I  visited  him.  That  forbidden  room  now  is  locked  forever.  It  was  my  fault  that  he  lost  his  language  ability  so  fast.  I  should  have  spent  more  time  with  him,  brought  him  back  to  the  room  and  encouraged  him  to  speak.  He  opened  the  forbidden  room  for  me  and  brought  me  into  a  wider  world  of  science.  What  had  I  done  for  him?    "It's  not  your  fault.  You  saved  his  life  that  day  and  remembered  him  forever."  The  voice  of  my  roommate  woke  me  up  from  my  memory.  I  found  that  the  tears  on  her  face  had  dried,  but  I  was  now  in  a  flood  of  tears  myself.  I  stoked  my  prism  gently.  It  has  accompanied  me  since  the  age  of  four.  To  me,  it  is  the  key  to  the  forbidden  room,  as  well  as  a  connection  to  my  grandpa.        

爱非即表

By Li Lin (Lin)

上帝一定喜欢相貌平凡的女人，要不然他为什么创造了这么多这样的女人？——林肯

俊男靓女层出不穷的时代诱动着人们去孵化过多的完美主义，细化到恋爱的情感体验

都变得苛求。

韩国电影《时间》以其独特的笔触诠释了时代的尴尬。看似男女眼中永恒的话题，越

看到最后便越叫人反思，以至于电影的结尾很超验地回复到电影开头的画面，结束似乎是一

个开始，让人很怅然地端坐在那里，细细回味那个不是约定中的终结，冥冥中告诉观者的是

一种本真的回归。

女主人公世喜有一张写满青春的脸，可能称不得漂亮，但男人一定喜欢得上。智宇就

是这样一个男人，两年了，孤直地被迫隔断与其他异性的联系，面对同一个人，不知是倦怠

还是依赖。世喜开始为这段感情表现出莫名其妙的焦虑和不安，哪怕是智宇一个对异性不经

意的眼神，她都可以歇斯底里地对此大发脾气。

世喜把一切归结为智宇对感情的厌倦，一天她决定以整容来宣告自己的不辞而别。烧

掉了往昔的照片，她需要的仅仅是另一张脸，一张令她摆脱倦怠的脸，高直的鼻梁，深陷的

双眸，瘦削的脸廓……这一切是对身体发肤的彻底侵覆与践踏。世喜尝试以这样一种偏执的

方式来重塑一种对原爱的新鲜感，她所希望实现的是情感在两年内的保鲜，然而她酿造的却

是变质的惨剧。她以一个全新的形象悄无声息地来到智宇的身边，他们做爱，但是虚表之亲

肤浅卑俗得令世喜心灰意冷。她开始了新一轮歇斯底里的妒恨厌世，以一种癫狂的两面进逼，

几乎将智宇车裂。

世喜充满了对原她的妒恋，只好带着原像的面具让智宇幡然醒悟到这场癫狂的闹剧，

智宇在近乎绝溃的状况下找到了世喜的整容医师……

如同时空的换位，世喜在惶恐中等待着智宇一张截然不同的脸，每一天她都在一张张

面庞中揣猜，因为智宇可以隐藏在任何一张脸里。她试图握住每一个“智宇”的手，去鉴定

他们的大小和握感，而不是通过最为一目了然的方式。最后她几乎要捕捉到飘忽的“智宇”

了，但那个“智宇”却突然丧生于车轮下面目全非。可悲的是，此刻的她想鉴别的仅仅是“智

宇”那张血肉模糊的脸。

剧的谢幕照理是最浓重的一笔，但《时间》最后却有重回到了开头，两个世喜进行了

时空的交汇，其背后的隐义则留给观众自己去品读。

世喜培植着一种偏执垄断的爱，这种爱在智宇看来是无理取闹的醋意。她爱得痴狂，

也爱得堕落，很难说她爱自己更多还是爱智宇更多。她的爱张狂到想把两个人合二为一，叫

人难以授受。这种爱扎根后结出了一种怀疑之果，恋爱中女人时常带有这样的困惑：他到底

对我是否厌倦？如果换一个人他也可以这样爱的吧？就象李银河曾经对王小波发出的爱的

质疑一样，她写道：“爱也许就是一种神秘的力量的发作，它会过去。人在最初神秘感过去

后，就会发现一个完全不同的世界，你以为神秘感会永远跟着的吗？它一旦过去，爱就会终

结，是吗？多可怕。”其实男人也一定有这样的困惑，只不过经过荷尔蒙的催化先从女人启

齿，于是男人就只有保持悬疑和负责解答的份儿了。

而答案——《时间》已经呈现给我们，每一个人或许可以破译出不同的版本。

爱一个人应该包括他或她的全部，你不一定要爱上她争风吃醋的心理，但是你可以爱

上她如厕看书的顽好；你不一定会爱上他吹牛时的神气活现，但是你可以爱上他也会撒娇时

的天真模样……爱可以这番诠释，但一定要务求完整，瑕瑜互见。回过头来说，如果你的爱

萌芽于一见钟情，而生根于只爱一个人娇俊的颜容，那么你一定要学会渗透与升华，因为那

不是真切的，成熟的，圆融的爱。与其如此，你不如对自己说，我爱的是赫本的眼睛，罗伯

茨的大嘴……你的爱是对着一幅画，一张海报，或是一版拼图，它有着美妙的构图，仅此而

已。

爱可以沉醉，但一定要完整，爱到人物的内里与本真。珍爱身边的人，即便他们是庸

常之貌，也学会用这样一种方式对他们说：亲爱的，我爱你的全部，尤其是你的脸，叫我永

不厌倦！

SMI,  Can  it  be  Overcome?  by    

Wenxu  Xu    

 “Why  would  you  work  with  people  that  have  severe  mental  illness  (SMI)?”    Oftentimes  I  hear  people  comment  on  my  commitment  to  underserved  communities.  Perceived  as  deviant  demon  by  the  society,  all  the  residents  are  like  every  single  normal  human  being  we  might  run  into  at  grocery  store,  library,  school,  work  place,  or  any  other  settings.    Media  reports  crime,  drugs,  and  sex  to  be  highly  related  to  people  with  SMI  but  what  remains  uncovered  goes  underreported:  trauma,  childhood  abandonment,  and  undesirable  home  &  social  environment.      J  is  a  young  man  admitted  to  a  mental  health  facility  because  of  his  sex  offense  charge  and  mental  illness.  Socially  isolated  and  awkward,  J  used  to  throw  temper  tantrums  in  groups  and  fight  with  residents  on  the  Unit.  Headache  was  his  nickname.  It  is  through  comprehensive  individualized  treatment,  including  individual/group  therapy,  behavioral  medicine,  and  social  skill  training,  that  he  has  gradually  been  motivated  to  come  up  with  his  personal  goal:  going  back  to  the  community.      Three  years  of  treatment  witnesses  great  improvement  on  J’s  performance.  Every  time  I  get  to  the  unit,  J  is  always  the  first  person  to  greet  me,  “how  you  doing,  doctor  (I’m  not  yet).”  For  clients  with  SMI  like  J,  simple  tasks,  like  greetings,  are  often  taken  for  granted  by  people  without  mental  health  issues  but  remain  challenging.  He  also  stopped  initiating  fights  with  residents;  instead,  he  would  seek  help  from  staff  when  invited  for  fights.  J,  dressed  neatly  as  always,  volunteers  to  participate  in  the  role-­‐plays  and  even  helped  others  in  the  Illness  Management  Group.  There  is  one  time  that  one  group  member  went  circumstantial  in  the  group  discussion  and  regressed  into  delusional  thinking  mode.  I  was  leading  the  group  while  trying  hard  to  figure  out  how  to  handle  this  sticky  situation.  J  jumped  in,  “hey,  we  are  talking  about  medication.”  The  simple  instruction  and  reminder  redirected  the  resident  to  our  discussion.    I  was  glad  to  see  J  internalize  my  therapeutic  styles  and  apply  the  skill  to  his  daily  life.  He  has  developed  a  habit  to  monitor  his  moods  and  medication  adherence  in  order  to  better  manage  his  mental  illness.  He  develops  new  coping  mechanisms.      There  exists  a  myth  that  people  with  SMI  will  never  get  better,  which  is  not  true.  They  do.  They  might  not  completely  get  rid  of  SMI  but  they  are  capable  of  learning  how  to  live  with  it.  Even  it  means  that  it  will  take  months  or  years.  For  J,  it  is  3  years.  J  was  born  into  an  alcoholic  family  with  father  being  absent.  He  was  an  identified  problem  child  both  at  school  and  at  home.  Repeatedly  experienced  physical  and  sexual  abuse  as  a  child,  along  with  other  sporadic  traumatic  and  dramatic  events,  he  ended  up  committing  crimes  and  subsequently  in  the  hospital.  Is  it  genetic  predispositions,  traumatic  events,  or  a  combination  of  all  the  factors  that  

contributes  to  his  crimes  and  hospitalizations?  It  is  not  uncommon  for  people  like  J  to  turn  insane  after  that  much  trauma.      Stories  like  J’s  abound  in  this  facility.  This  is  what  my  daily  life  looks  like  in  a  state  facility.  The  stigma  attached  to  Schizophrenia,  Bipolar,  and  Schizoaffective  disorders  was  portrayed  in  such  a  distorted  manner  that  even  professionals  in  mental  health  field  stay  away  from  these  populations.  I  believe  me  sharing  stories  of  working  with  SMI  can  help  dispel  the  myth  of  SMI  and  encourage  more  health  professionals  to  join  the  team.            

Yes, Mom!

By Jie Gao

Giving me life and raising me up,

Teaching me how to speak, walk, and run,

Leading me to cultivate my hobbies,

Training me how to be a person,

Guiding me to overcome every difficulty,

You,

My perfect mom,

My life supporter.

Have you ever felt the smell of summer? To me, summer always conveys a special smell. I have wondered if it comes from the faint scent that willows diffuse, from the broiling summer sun, or from the lands of my hometown. On a struggling day to figure out its origin, I suddenly realized that it comes from my mom.

It is a summer season. People were in a hurry leaving office and backing home in the most fruitful time of a day, while two long figures were walking slowly ahead along a river where a small boat was completely covered by the red. Can you imagine what it would be when a tired buddy meets a sunset shower? Yes, a tired buddy. Going back to the time that I worked crazily for the college entrance exam, mom’s support accompanied me to get through it smoothly. Every day after dinner, my mom always walked outside with me to enjoy the beautiful sunset. We look like apart from that busy world and harmoniously get along with the river scene on every summer evening. At this atmosphere, an extremely satisfying feeling was always around me. I know it is not only because of the sunset, but the person besides me – my mom.

Recalling another summer in the elementary school, my mom rode an old female pinky bike taking me to catch up with an introductory Chinese writing class. Although I was not the person riding the bike, the big upload slope on the way scared me enough not to proceed. However, compared with the small kid’s fears, it seemed a piece of cake for my big mom, as she was always trying to ride heading up until exhausted. At first, I comfortably sat behind her on the back seat of that bike; but one day, I suddenly noticed shining sweat balls flashed out by the sunshine on my mom’s necks, as well as her wet shirt in her back. I was shocked with rolling teardrops in my eyes, as the mom’s back was a warm land I was always looking for whenever I was sick or felt unhappy. But on that day, the mom’s back was all wet. “She must be feeling cold!” The kid’s thought. So, my head was unintentionally inclined to the mom’s back – it is hot

rather than cold or familiarly warm. When we reached the end of the upward slope, my mom turned back and said to me, “See… we made it! You should also make it to a good writing class today!” A wordless “yes” has answered from my deep heart with sincerity.

The “yes” has actually rooted in my mind since then;

Whenever being upset,

Whenever sensing depressed,

Whenever finding exhausted,

Whenever feeling lonely abroad,

Whenever meeting difficulty,

I say YES!

Limitation

by

Enzhan Song

I know I’m probably worrying too much, like an old saying of the ancient China:

A guy from Qi who worried that the sky would fall. However, as a semi-scientist, this

question sometimes really bothers me: will the modern science meet its margin?

Humans are so eager to conquer ever limitation they met, but the nature, the universe

must set these barriers for a reason. Sure, you can say they are some sort of tests, and

we have to solve them to keep evolve. Well, I’m not anti-scientific, I’m just worrying

about maybe there is one day we lead ourselves to a wall that we can never get over it,

a super bottle-neck.

I am dealing with plant science, so let me give you a crop related example for

explanation of my concern:

Currently, nearly all the plant related researches are focusing on improving plants

stress tolerances or resistances. As our food resource, crops like soybeans and corns

are on the top lines of this list. The environmental problems caused by ourselves are

the motivation resource. After all, there is a big chance that the human population will

reach 10 billion soon. The same goal of most crop producers is: double their current

crop production in 50 years.

That’s a huge challenge! Probably the biggest one in human history. Our mother

planet is actually intentionally postponing this agenda. The exasperated nature

conditions caused abiotic stresses (abnormal temperatures, drought, flood) and biotic

(insects, disease, species invasion) stresses are our top enemies. Different form

animals like us, plants can’t move, which means they can’t hide. One of my favorite

plant physiological teachers always telling his students that the plants are sitting ducks

when the stresses happened. Instead of avoid the stress, they can only bear with it,

tolerate it. That’s why they need our help.

Tremendous efforts have been spent on improving the capability of plants to keep

normal growth under stresses. If you look at the financial details of Division of Plant

Science in MU, most of the money is spending on crop stress tolerances modification,

genetically or practically. And I’m sure same things are happening in all the other

universities. Myself is actually working on improving the cold tolerances of certain

grass species right now.

Although we do achieve positive results all the time, but they are not enough. I’m

always thinking, what if we went to the end of this road? You have to understand that

we can’t do this for ever, at least I don’t believe it. Things like growing crops in the

desert with 100% production rate (1 pound fertilizers give you 1 pound of bread) only

happens in the Sci-Fi movies!

So the ultimate question is: what if there is one day that we can’t make any

further progresses? What if we can’t make the plants any stronger but the environment

stresses are still getting worse? There must be a threshold of right? I know people are

also actively trying to alternate our planet, and I do believe science will finally allow

us to control the nature someday, but what if we met this bottle-neck many years

before we solve these environmental problems? Go to the Mars? Maybe?

In my mind, there is no way that the current human impact on earth will stop, or

even slow down. You people really should pray now, hope that people like me will

hold on there, as long as the stresses are still out there.

So what about other science areas? Well, you tell me………

You see！Fish!

By

Tie Nie

It’s excited, once I became obsessed with it, I couldn’t stop. It wanted to occupy

every moment doing it. What is it? It’s fishing. Excitement of fishing comes from first moment of flying the line, it’s my challenge

issued to fish. I enjoy seeing it gliding off the reel dazzling, hearing the crisp sound as it slices through the air, feeling the achievement of accurate casting and great distance. Expectation and confidence of catching fish overflowed quickly from bottom of my heart since I lift my rod, move my body, and wave it laterally. Heart beats rapidly, blood flow accelerates, even with face flushing. All of these stems from my irresistible impulse, catching a big one from the water ahead of me.

More excitement origins from the amazing sensitivity, whether it’s from the nudge of fishes or block of rock and weed which lures and baits pass. Every touch and movement, when I pull back slowly and patiently lures and baits, will trigger my nerves, pushing me making the instant decision of retrieving rapidly or still waiting for further signals. It’s the moment of wits battle, combined with sentiment, skill, experience and even insight. Keep calm and also react in time is a mature fisherman’s performance even my expectation is getting stronger and stronger.

The highest moment is definitely the instant when I realize that get a real thing. Line is going to be tightly, rod is curving, the most beautify scene each fisher would like to see and enjoy. Rod and line are kind of losing my control，I can easily feel the power of escaping, which derives from desire of survival. The water splash caused by fish’s struggling, just like the spark to cheer my winning, accompanying with water vapor blowing and a bit of fishlike smell, I do my best pulling the fish to the shore. Excitement of achievement will ooze out from the joyful expression, focused eyesight, tight arm and even can’t help jubilance: “I get it!” Excitement also lies in the joyful compete experience with my fisheries friends. Fishing together, just like a contest with each other: who is the best fisher, who gets the first one, and who gets the biggest? Manifesting my skill, achievement, and happiness to friends occupies every moment, and to be the number one guy is the impetus pushing me exerting the best ability to show the best charm. Of course, take the fishing license each time, or I will also be “excited” caught by the fishing policeman without it.

Being a NURSE

by

Sirinat Sriumporn

Being a nurse, I haven’t thought to it’s before. Some people might describe nursing as the

worst job on the earth. I also thought that nurse hold horrible duties such as demanding patients,

demanding family members, shortage of staff, working hard all day and night, and no flexibility

in vacation time. These are the situations that I haven’t dreamed to be. I have always dreamed of

a career which I would truly enjoy for my life. Finally, after graduating from high school, I had

no doubt I would get where I was going and what I wanted to be. Surely, I was immediately

going to the nursing school and I wanted to be a NURSE because being a nurse for helping my

family and patients would be my two main goals.

Taking care of my parents, I remember when I was 13 years old, the first time I saw my

dad getting migraine attacked. He was getting headache all day long and finding a dark, quit

place to lie down that was I call migraine attacks. After that it happened at least once a month.

My father would get migraines once in a while. When he did he was like a hibernating bear! He

would close himself in his bedroom with all the lights off and the blinds drawn, and sometimes I

and my mother could hear his in there groaning. If my mom and I would talk, even in low

voices, outside his bedroom door he would yell "Shut up!" I know that my dad has had to go to

the emergency room for his migraines too. My dad usually tells me that when he was young no

one paid attention to his headaches. He was forced to deal with his headaches using only home

remedies and traditional Thai medications.

I have seen my dad wearing sunglasses almost everywhere. He said to me that “I trust

you as a nurse who tells me that bright light would be a trigger for a migraine headache”. I also

restricted my dad to local driving so that his familiarity with the roads would allow him to pull

over if his vision might change. I am really proud of myself when my dad told me that he began

to recognize certain precursors such as yawning, mood changes and a sensation in his face and

head that told him a migraine would be coming. He said to me “I know that because I trust you

as a nurse”.

Helping patients get better. Working in the hospital makes me happy. I love to see my

patients getting better from their diseases. Like everyone else I have felt pain and suffered from

illness before. I remember once on a patient bed in the hospital I was in pain and getting

sickness. The best thing was a nurse being with me at night. She held my hand and assured me

that everything is going to be ok. On my duty as a nurse, I want patients to feel secure around me

and know that I will be there for them when they get distress and anxiety. Even though I have

made somebody's life a little better and a little easier, this is why I want to be a nurse. Helping

people is a genuine gift that comes from the heart.

Being a nurse does not the worst. I have been in practice for over a decade in a general

hospital in my country, Thailand. I am pretty sure that I love to be a NURSE because I love to

help people and always try to make people feel better. Now I can see myself taking care of my

family and my patients for as long as I am able.

浪与宅

by

Chen Chen

在一片迷雾缭绕的神秘丛林里有一片圆形的戈壁，那里有两个很小的国家。

那里的人们不知道自己从何处而来，仿佛是上天对他们的安排和创造，让他们

孤独的呆在这片土地上。这些可怜的人们从未离开过这片荒凉之地，因为这里

只有一望无尽走也走不完的林木。这两个王国，一个是浪国，一个是宅国，它

们各自占领着这块圆形区域的两个半圆，中间被一条小山脉分隔开来。

浪国和宅国数年来一直过着互不往来的生活。其实它们不往来也是有道理

的。浪国的国王叫占不匿，他的臣民们就像他的名字一样骁勇善战。不像宅国

人那样长着细小的脑袋，浪国人的脑袋宽宽大大的。他们是一群喜欢骑马和射

击的人儿，喜欢浅出浅入丛林猎杀动物，热衷于用石头做成的各式武器攻击它

们。这些浪国人白天骑马比赛，晚上整夜喝酒狂欢。可是同时他们也是胆小怯

弱的人，害怕邪恶，戒备森严。

两国就这样和平相处了数百年，直到一个月黑风高的晚上。一个醉酒的浪

国人，走到两国相交的那座小山上，就再也没有回来了。于是浪国人民沸腾了，

他们认定这必然是宅国人所为，他们的臣民被杀害了。国王宣布，全国即刻进

入紧急备战状态。他召集了一万兵将并对他们说: “我的士兵们啊！大家都见

到了，宅国果真是恶魔。我们从不曾与他们有过任何来往，可他们却杀死了我

们的兄弟！我们一定要复仇！将宅国人全部杀光！”国王一呼百应，众将士齐

声叫道：“杀敌报仇！！”国王又说道：“可我们不知道宅国人是怎样的人。也

许他们有很强大的武器，也许他们有非比寻常的力量。所以，首先我们要弄清

楚他们的情况！如果能将他们全部消灭，那么以后就再也没有羞辱！我们也能

统治整个地区！”众人欢呼。

从此浪国开始了严格的军事训练，他们秣马厉兵将近十年。这些年，浪国

的军队从一万发展到了十万，其中也涌现了许多优秀勇敢的士兵。有一名士兵

叫做尘简，是国王城堡中的侍卫。他不仅长相英俊，而且擅长骑马射击。他身

体强壮，而且平时训练刻苦认真。

有一天，一名浪国的士兵在两国相交的小山上巡逻时，发现了一个小脑袋

的女人。他立刻将此人抓住并扭送到国王的城堡。国王当着城堡中众人的面审

问她：“你是谁？从哪里来？”众多大脑袋的浪国人都上下打量着这个小脑袋

的怪物。 “我，我就叫和仁。我来自宅国。我是宅国的公、、主。”美丽的公

主一边惊恐的回答，一边环视着周围这群大脑袋的人。国王又问道：“那、、、

你究竟来这里做什么？”“敬爱的国王陛下，我们宅国人一向深居简出，从不

知道山的那一边是什么。我很想知道，所以就冒昧地过来了、、、”话音未落，

国王就下令将和仁软禁于城堡之中，并说：“啊！这真是上天赐予我的绝妙机

会呀！不仅给我送来一个宅国人，而且她还是一个公主!哈哈！我要将她置于城

堡中，通过观察她我就可以知道那些宅国人都是些什么人了！知己知彼，百战

不殆啊！而且还可以将她作人质。真是一举两得啊！”和仁一听到此话就感觉

大事不妙。她万万没有想到自己一次轻率的尝试竟招来如此祸乱。

就这样，公主被关押在浪国城堡的地牢里。她小心观察着这座阴暗的城堡并

积极寻找逃跑的机会。可是，这哪里是一座城堡。极其简陋，只有一些沙石累

积做成得墙壁。城堡里既无豪华的装饰也无任何保暖设施！这哪里像是高贵的

国王居住的地方。她发现到了晚上，浪国就没有了照明的条件，一切都是靠火

把。于是她决定趁着晚上摸黑逃回宅国。

就这样，在被浪国囚禁 40 天之后，经过深思熟虑，公主精心策划了一次逃

跑计划。凌晨的时候，按照事先计划好的路线，她在黑暗中躲过了侍卫的巡查。

可是眼看就要逃离城堡的时候，她却被自己的一抹黑影给出卖了。只听得一声

“谁？站住！”可怜的和仁被侍卫发现了。这个侍卫正是尘简，他对公主说：

“怪物！你休想逃！“公主睁大像兔子一般的眼睛说：“不！我不是怪物！你可

以软禁我，但是不能这样侮辱我们宅国！我们不是你想象那样的！”看着公主

那美丽又楚楚可怜的样子，尘简心生爱意，语气顿时软了下来，但是却又故作

强硬地说：“那，你们是什么样的？你们如此神秘诡异，还杀害了我们的一个

兄弟。”“不， 不， 不，我们都只是简单的人。我们只不过是安于自己的生活

而已。耕作读书下棋，这就是我们全部的生活。不像你们只知道杀戮和攻击。”

缓了一口气，公主继续反驳道：“你们一叶障目，根本就不知道我们是如何友

善。我们也从未杀过任何浪国人。仅仅在十年前见过一个醉酒的大脑袋躺在我

们的山脚下、、、”直到此时尘简才意识到，浪国人一直都对宅国人有太多的误

会。这让尘简陷入了矛盾之中。

第二天，尘简将公主的话转告给国王。可国王对此却不以为然并训斥道:

“不要轻信此人的话！宅国人都是恶魔！我们一定要统治宅国！”这让尘简很

矛盾，他认识到国王和和仁以及宅国之间有着无法避免的冲突。他必须要作出

选择了。出于对公主的好感和信任，他决定带着公主离开浪国。因为他不想忠

于浪国，只想忠于正义。

就这样在尘简的帮助下，和仁终于离开了浪国、、、

至于尘简和和仁是怎样逃离浪国以及他们逃离浪国以后的生活，那又是另外

的故事了。

Awake  

 

By  

Enzhan  Song  

 

‘Have  you  purchased  the  Next-­‐Life  (Nefe)?  If  you  haven’t,  now  it’s  the  time.’  I  looked  at  the  sexy  

office  lady  floating  through  me  while  handing  out  some  beautiful  flyers.  Her  voice  was  too  attractive  to  

be  any  sound  from  a  real  human  being  and  makes  your  heart  itchy.  It’s  a  realistic  3D  image,  but  with  the  

new  nano  tech;  it  was  touchable.  That’s  why  those  image  flyers  let  you  feel  just  like  real  ones  in  your  

hand.  ‘Yep,  like  I  have  the  money.’  Nefe  was  the  so-­‐called  human  body  enhancing  nano  materials  which  

can  be  used  at  any  place  of  your  body,  to  substitute  your  original,  real  organisms.  It’s  quite  like  a  

combination  of  cosmetic  and  transplant  surgery.  You  can  image  how  much  money  such  a  surgery  can  

cause  you  and  how  ridiculous  to  advertise  on  people  like  me.  

I  speeded  up  and  tried  to  get  rid  of  it  but,  as  usual,  just  followed  my  pace  all  the  way  back  to  my  

apartment.  Maybe  ‘nest’  is  more  proper  for  such  a  crowd  dorm.  I  was  sick  of  every  time  I  have  to  wait  

for  more  than  10  minutes  in  the  transportator  before  I  can  finally  stepped  into  my  home.  People  were  

stinking  after  working  in  the  plant  all  day.  Although  the  population  had  dropped  dramatically  after  the  

war,  there  were  still  too  many  damn  people.  The  company  established  hundreds  of  these  similar  

apartment  buildings  in  each  City.    They  were  so  tall  that  the  top  floors  are  merged  into  the  clouds,  and  

citizens  who  lived  on  the  upper  areas  needed  to  take  an  aircraft  shuttle  every  time.  To  save  solar  energy,  

the  company  used  special  absorbfacient  materials  on  the  surface  of  all  buildings.  It’s  in  pure  black  color  

which  made  the  buildings  looked  like  numerous  coffins  standing  in  the  City.  Well,  it  was  very  cool  in  side  

of  them,  felt  just  like  a  tomb.  

My  name  is  Steve,  one  of  the  millions  of  ‘nano-­‐man’  worked  in  the  City,  producing  nano  

products  for  the  company  like  a  dog  every  day.  I  hated  the  City,  like  everyone  else  did,  but  I  hated  it  

especially  because  only  dull  people  belong  here.  ‘I  do  not  deserve  such  kind  of  a  life!’  I  always  tell  

myself,  ‘I  have  to  gain  the  tickets  for  me  and  my  family’.  My  wife  and  a  son,  I  swore  to  them  I  will  take  

them  to  the  ‘Xanadu’.  So  we  can  have  the  real  life  there  like  those  rich  bastards.    That’s  the  only  thing  

supported  me  all  these  years.    

However,  I  was  happy  that  day,  because  after  it,  everything  will  be  different…  

It  was  NY  131;  131  years  after  nano-­‐tech  provided  the  opportunity  of  infinity  life  to  human  

beings.  The  fourth  global  industry  revolution  happened  131  years  ago.  It  brought  a  geometric  

development  in  all  the  well  known  human  science  areas.  Biology  and  Robotology  were  the  two  major  

techniques  which  extraordinary  changed  the  world.  Human  body  can  be  modified  genetically  now,  and  

immortal  is  not  just  a  mystery  any  more.  The  only  problem  is  mental  disorder  diseases  caused  by  nano-­‐

malfunction.  However,  according  to  their  advertisements,  this  is  fixable,  just  ‘Changing  your  battery’,  of  

cause,  as  long  as  you  have  the  money.    

So  far,  the  business  had  been  monopolized  by  one  company,  the  great  ‘Pope’.  They  won  the  

world  war  III  100  years  ago  and  since  then,  they  initiated  this  ‘Planet’  project  to  repair  the  almost  

destroyed  earth.  They  kept  the  oceans  and  core  zone  of  the  earth  in  original  way,  and  transferred  all  the  

other  parts  into,  they  call  it  ‘Shield’  which  is  actually  a  super  nano-­‐material  with  self-­‐evolution  

mechanisms.  Just  imaging  an  earth  size  complex  of  uncountable  nano-­‐robots.    

They  claimed  that  this  material  will  modify  the  world  at  the  molecular  level  and  create  better  

environments  for  human  and  all  the  other  living  organisms  on  this  planet.  ‘No  more  threatens  from  any  

kinds  of  human  activities  to  our  mother  planet!’  Theoretically,  you  will  feel  nothing  different  in  the  new  

world  except  clearer  sky,  fresher  water  and  more  beautiful  wild  animals.  The  obstruction  from  basic  

living  requirements  like  food  and  water  which  have  been  limiting  human  potentials  since  the  day  of  our  

existence  was  history  now.  Unlimited  nature  resources  can  be  achieved  from  the  recycling  system.    

  Countries  did  not  really  exist  anymore.  Instead,  there  were  puppet  governments  in  each  City.  

Each  City  was  a  huge  industry  base  where  poor  people  like  me  were  gathered  together  and  work  for  the  

company.  Pope  was  actually  taking  care  of  the  citizens  of  the  whole  planet.  The  company  routinely  sent  

special  agents  to  each  City  for  politics;  we  call  these  monsters  the  ‘investigator’.  They  acclaimed  they  

were  neutral  and  will  not  interfere  each  City’s  autonomy,  but  I  personally  watched  one  of  the  

investigators  doomed  a  whole  resistant  force  in  just  an  hour  in  a  military  exercise,  and  we  always  made  

fun  of  how  our  president  acts  like  a  waitress  and  serves  the  investigators  coffee.    

The  company  was  extremely  restricted  on  the  product  information,  which  really  confused  me.  It  

obviously  was  somewhat  luxury  toys  to  please  people  living  outside  the  City,  in  the  ‘Xanadu’,  and  people  

like  me  will  never  be  able  to  afford  them.  Anyone  who  appeared  to  have  any  suspicious  activities  related  

to  the  product  information  will  be  abolished  from  the  ‘opportunity’  unexceptionally.    

Personally,  I  think  the  only  reason  the  company  still  use  human  labors  is  because  this  is  a  perfect  

way  to  keep  people  under  control.  In  this  way,  you  will  be  given  a  life,  a  life  under  surveillance.  One  

thing  tricky  here  is  that  Pope  provides  everybody  an  opportunity  to  jump  out  of  the  crap  and  have  a  

decent  life  out  there,  in  the  ‘Xanadu’.  It’s  like  taking  a  scholarship,  once  you  earned  enough  credits,  they  

will  offer  your  family  all  the  financial  support  to  live  and  have  education  outside.    You  could  choose  

anything  you  interested  in.  No  one  had  ever  returned  after  they  were  freed.  Obviously  the  education  is  

good,  good  enough  to  keep  you  rich  and  stay  out  there!    

On  the  other  hand,  there  was  no  way  you  can  sneak  out  of  the  City  because  the  company  

installed  a  security  system  on  the  border.  We  call  it  the  ‘Cycle’.  It  was  constructed  by  the  newest  nano-­‐

materials  which  can  generate  a  unique  energy  space.  For  a  short  explanation,  you  will  either  get  lost  in  it  

and  never  come  out,  or  you  will  think  you  ‘passed  it’  but  come  back  to  exactly  where  you  started.  

Without  choices,  people  worked  their  ass  off  trying  to  earn  this  opportunity  to  have  a  real  life  in  the  

‘Xanadu’.  No  one  was  daring  to  show  any  interests  on  what  we  are  actually  doing  here.    Except  those  

god  damned  rebels.    

Oh  the  rebels!  I  wish  I  never  met  John  in  the  bar  that  night.  He  was  drunk  and  involved  into  a  

group  fight.    Clearly  he  pissed  off  the  whole  bar  and  won’t  be  able  to  walk  out  of  there  in  one  piece.  I  

was  also  drunk  that  night,  the  first  time  of  my  life.  I  asked  Natalie  to  marry  me  earlier  that  day,  and  she  

agreed.  As  a  result,  I  helped  him  to  slip  out.  I  can’t  lie  that  I’m  not  regret  about  it  now,  but  at  that  time,  

he  became  my  best  friend.  I  found  out  his  really  identity  several  year  ago.  I  was  so  angry,  well,  more  

afraid,  and  almost  gave  up  this  friendship,  but  how  could  I?  He  saved  my  life  in  the  explosion  accident,  

and  lost  both  of  his  arms.  Although  he  got  a  new  pair  right  in  the  next  day,  it  must  cost  him  or  the  rebel  

force  a  fortune.  

 We  contacted  much  less  frequent  after  that  but  I  still  treated  him  as  my  best  friend  and  had  a  

drink  with  him  occasionally.  John  treated  in  the  same  way,  which  I  really  don’t  quite  understand  at  that  

time.  Obviously,  I  will  not  join  the  rebels  in  any  kinds  of  circumstances,  just  looking  at  what  they  had  

done.  Every  time  they  started  a  fight  with  the  cops,  people  were  die,  facilities  were  destroyed,  and  we  

had  to  go  back  clean  up  the  mess  they  made.    

Although  now,  everything  is  much  clearer…  

Anyway,  any  man  who  was  under  the  same  situation  as  I  did  would  not  care  about  anything  

anymore,  because  that  day,  I  had  finally  accumulated  enough  credits  to  buy  my  family  the  tickets  to  

‘Xanadu’.    

Depending  on  the  efficiency  of  you  work,  you  can  accumulate  your  credits  faster  or  slower  than  

others,  and  I  had  been  breaking  the  records  since  I  turned  into  an  adult  when  I  was  16  and  started  my  

work.  You  will  find  my  name  on  the  top  of  the  achievement  list  in  the  monthly  report  every  time.  My  

nick  name  among  my  coworkers  was  Mr.  Millionaire.  This  meant  that  I  just  broke  the  record  of  the  

youngest  nano-­‐man  who  reached  1,000,000  points  which  is  the  exact  number  I  need  to  start  my  new  

life.    

‘Tonight  I  will  have  the  final  drink  with  John  then  say  good  bye  to  my  only  and  the  best  friend.’  I  

tried  to  persuade  him  come  together  because  this  guy  is  good,  not  as  good  as  me,  but  damn  he  should  

had  accumulated  enough  credit  a  long  time  ago!  His  identity  and  honor  of  the  duty  just  did  not  allow  

him  to  do  so.  He  even  once  tried  to  pull  me  down,  and  finally  gave  up  when  I  threatened  him  with  our  

friendship.  ‘Poor  John!’  I  sighed.  We  hadn’t  talked  for  months.  He  must  be  pissed  off  about  my  leaving.    

I  changed  up  and  told  my  wife  I  will  be  back  late,  then  stepped  out  my  room  and  walked  all  the  

way  to  an  underground  bar  where  John  and  I  usually  met.  The  light  was  dark  as  usual,  and  everybody  

was  caring  about  their  own  business.  It’s  quite,  and  occasionally  a  burst  of  laugh  came  out.  I  waited  at  

the  corner  table  where  John  preferred.  Unlike  usual,  this  time  I  ordered  a  beer,  I  usually  don’t  touch  any  

alcohols  because  they  make  me  really  uncomfortable.  Man!  You  will  get  dizzy,  nauseous,  headache,  and  

even  diarrhea.  I  still  don't  understand  why  people  like  it  so  much.  But  that  night  was  different,  I  wanted  

to  get  high,  I  was  eager  to  celebrate.  Hey!  I  even  thought  about  to  feel  the  hangover!    

I  was  in  such  a  good  mood  that  I  even  flirted  with  the  waitress  and  tipped  her  a  fortune.    

‘Man!  What  makes  him  so  slow?’  I’d  already  finished  my  second  beer  and  still  waiting.  ‘Anything  

goes  wrong  with  him?’  I  heard  about  there  was  a  severe  gun  fight  near  the  factory  today.  Several  rebels  

got  executed  right  on  the  street  and  it  wasn’t  any  better  on  the  police  side.  However,  I  was  not  worried,  

and  I  couldn’t  tell  why.  I  just  believed  in  John’s  capability  to  survive  even  under  the  most  crisis  situations.  

He  is  like  a  hard  dog!  He  showed  me  how  amazing  he  is  in  the  accident  when  he  saved  me.  It  reminds  

me  an  interesting  superhero  comic  book  I  found  I  my  grandpa’s  relics  when  I  was  6  years  old,  something  

related  to  a  bat  I  think.  

‘Anyway,  I  need  to  release  some  load  now.’  I  was  still  not  use  to  alcohol  beverages,  and  the  beer  

made  me  feel  wired.  I  stood  up  and  walked  toward  their  super  narrow  bathroom  where  only  two  people  

can  fit  in.  

I  nearly  hit  this  guy  as  he  rushes  towards  me.    

‘Watch  out!’  I  said.      

‘Excuse  me  sir.  I  am  sorry  if  I  brought  you  any  trouble  and  make  you  feel  unhappy.’  He  replied,  

with  this  pale  and  magnetic  voice.  It  felt  like  someone  was  scratching  my  scalp,  and  he  was  trying  to  

speak  more  but  I  stopped  him  immediately  and  ran  into  the  bathroom.  ‘Damn  those  stupid  beers!’    

You  have  to  admit  that  it  is  kind  of  a  comfortable  experience  in  the  toilet  when  you  have  some  

stomach  issue,  and  I  think  you  will  understand  how  shock  I  was  when  the  face  of  John  appeared  from  

the  back  of  the  toilet  door.  Well,  at  least  I  finally  found  out  how  they  communicated  with  each  other.    

‘What  the  hell?!’  I  nearly  screamed  out.  

‘Shut  up!  And  Listen  to  me  Steve!’  He  said.  ‘From  now  on  do  exactly  what  I  told  you  to  do!  If  you  

still  want  to  live.’  

‘What?  Why?  Hey!  Stop!’  Before  I  figure  out  what’s  going  on,  the  whole  toilet  seats  caved  in  and  

draw  me  down.    At  the  mean  time,  a  huge  explosion  totally  destroyed  the  bar.  It  was  so  close  that  the  

sound  wave  nearly  put  me  into  comma.  My  head  was  dizzy,  everything  was  in  pitch  black,  and  I  could  

barely  stand  with  my  legs.    

‘What’s  going  on  there?  Are  you  still  alive?’  John’s  voice  was  striking  my  nerves.  

‘Stop  shouting  at  me,  it  hurts.  Wait,  am  I  dead?  Where  are  you?  Why  I  can  hear  you’    

‘No!  Steve,  you  are  still  alive.  No  time  to  explain.  Now,  get  up!  And  run.’    

I  shake  my  head,  tried  to  regain  my  sanity.  My  eyes  had  used  to  the  black,  then  I  found  myself  in  

the  sewer  now,  and  something  was  digging  the  ground  right  upon  my  head.  It’s  so  powerful  that  even  

the  wall  was  shaking.    

‘What  is  that?’    

‘That’s  the  investigator!’  John’s  voice  came  out  again.  ‘Who,  is  coming  for  you!’  

‘Why?  Hey!  Where  are  you,  seriously!’    

‘Just  run  now,  follow  my  lead,  I  will  explain  on  the  road’  

No  more  choice,  I  started  running  in  the  stinking  drain  system  without  even  know  where  I  was  

heading  to.  

‘We  put  something  in  your  beer.  A  locator.  So  I  can  speak  to  you  and  find  your  location.  Now  go  

straight  into  the  pipe’  

‘What?  Wait.  There  is  a  big  hole  by  the  end  of  the  pipe.  Where  should  I  go?’  

‘Just  jump’  

‘Jump?  No  way  I  will  jump  into  it.  Who  knows  what’s  down  there.  Maybe  this  is  a  shit  hole.’  

‘It’s  not!  Just  jump!’  

‘No.  I  will  not  move  any  further  before  you  tell  me  what’s  really  going  on.  Why  the  investigator  

is  chasing  me?  What  they  want  from  me.’  

‘There  is  no  time  for  that!  For  now  I  can  only  tell  you  that  the  investigator  will  treat  you  like  a  

rebel.  So  if  you  don’t  jump,  you  will  die!  I  will  give  you  a  comprehensive  report  after  we  meet  OK?  Now  

jump!’  

I  still  hesitated.  ‘Why  the  company  thinks  I’m  a  rebel?’  There  must  be  some  misunderstanding.  ‘I  

can  explain  this  to  them.  I  didn’t  help  the  rebels,  or  help  John  anything  before,  even  a  penny.    They  will  

clear  my  innocence.’  I  thought.  

‘No,  I  will  surrender  myself  to  them,  and  explain  to  them  that  I’m  not  a  rebel,  and  I  didn’t  help  

you  with  anything.  It’s  all  your  fault  John!  I’m  sorry  but  I  will  give  you  out!  For  my  family!’  

‘No,  no,  no!  Steve,  you  have  to  believe  me.’  He  sounded  a  little  bit  desperate  now.  

‘You  are  our  only  hope!’  

‘What?’  I  tried  to  ask  more  but  the  investigator  had  found  me.  

He  directly  came  out  from  the  wall  like  slicing  a  cheese.  There  was  even  no  dust  on  his  head.    

He  was  the  guy  I  met  in  the  bar,  who  had  the  terrific  voice.    

‘Mr.  Song.  Please  stop  running.  I’m  sorry  if  I  hurt  you  or  scared  you.  Don’t  worry,  we  know  that  

you  are  not  a  rebel.  We  just  want  to  talk  to  you.’  

‘See!  John,  they  just  want  to  get  information  from  me  about  you  and  your  stupid  rebels!’  

‘I’m  not  going  to  explain  myself  anymore  Steve,  you  will  see.  Now,  don’t,  move!’  

I  was  going  to  mock  him,  but  what  happened  next  nearly  freaked  my  eye  balls  out.  

Without  any  awareness,  the  investigator  had  approached  to  only  several  feet  from  me.  His  hand  

had  transformed  into  a  scalpel-­‐like  weapon  pointing  right  on  my  lower  abdomen.  But  what  wired  was  

that  he  stopped!    Actually,  he  froze  there,  it’s  like  a  transparent  rope  was  tying  him  and  he  just  couldn’t  

get  rid  of  it.  

I  was  so  scared  and  jumped  back  several  yards  to  keep  some  distance  from  him.    

A  laugh  busted  out  in  my  head,  it  was  John.  ‘See!  I  told  you.  It  will  treat  you  just  like  a  rebel.’  

‘That’s  bullshit,  if  he  wants  to  kill  me  he  had  done  it  for  millions  of  times.  I  must  have  something  

they  want!  And  I  know  that  they  won’t  kill  me!’  

‘They  want  you!  You  dumbass!  Stop  being  self-­‐righteous.  Sure!  It  won’t  kill  you,  but  we  just  

saved  you  from  been  open  up  directly.  Remember  the  thing  we  put  in  your  beer?  It’s  not  only  a  locator  

but  a  nano-­‐bomb  as  well.  It  works  like  an  EMP  bomb  which  will  disarm  anything  made  with  nano-­‐tech  

nearby.  It  was  intrigued  by  the  investigator  when  he  approached  in.  And  he  knows  it  and  that’s  why  he  

is  trying  to  open  you  up  and  destroy  it.’  

‘OK,  you  are  making  this  even  more  ridiculous  now.  What  do  you  mean  they  want  me?’  

‘Because  we  need  you!  The  human  beings  need  you!  They  must  hacked  in  our  communication  

system  or  somehow.  The  good  thing  is  they  still  don’t  know  why  we  chose  you.  Now  just  jump  please!  

The  effect  of  the  bomb  won't  last  long.’  

He  was  right.  It  seemed  that  the  investigator  was  re-­‐booting  himself.  And  somehow,  he  began  to  

move  his  body  now,  slowly,  but  moving!  

‘For  god  sake!  Alright!  I  will  jump,  but  you  must  promise  me  that  you  will  explain  everything.’    

‘Sure!  I  will  explain  to  you  while  you  are  swimming.’  

‘Wait!  Swimming?  Oh……..’I  had  jumped  out  of  the  pipe  and  the  hole  is  shallower  than  I  thought  

but  by  the  end,  it  was  a  underground  drainage  river.  ‘Warn  me  before  I  jump  you  xxx.  I  hate  water,  and  

I’m  suck  at  swimming.’  I  shouted  at  John.    

‘I  told  them  we  should  send  someone  to  pick  you  up.  However,  the  bomb  inside  of  your  body  is  

too  strong  that  none  of  us  can  get  close  to  you.’  

‘How  is  that  happened?  Don’t  tell  me  that  all  you  rebels  are  nano-­‐repaired?’    

‘We  fight  a  lot  you  know.  And  that’s  the  real  problem  we  got  here.  Now,  I’m  going  to  explain  

everything  to  you,  any  questions  you  have.’  

‘Finally.’  

‘You  want  to  go  to  the  ‘Xanadu’,  right?’  

‘Of  cause!  I  should  be  packing  now!’  

‘Shut  up  and  listen  to  me,  we  don’t  have  much  time.’  

‘The  world  outside  there  is  not  like  what  you  think  anymore.  It’s  a  rusting  apple.  The  infestation  

started  10  years  ago,  and  the  company  covered  the  truth  for  decades.  Do  you  still  remember  the  earth  

transformation  project  they  initiated  50  years  ago.  It  failed.  Turns  out  the  ‘Shield  ’  over  evaluated  

themselves  and  began  to  feed  on  earth.  If  you  go  outside  now,  those  monsters  will  turn  you  into  a  

mummy  in  a  second.’    

I  was  silenced.  I  didn’t  know  what  I  can  say.  John  won’t  make  such  a  big  joke  to  me,  he  was  not  

that  type  of  person.  ‘I  can’t  believe  this.  How  can  you  possibly  know  what  happened  out  there?  There  is  

no  way  you  can  get  across  the  ‘Cycle’.’    

‘We  don’t  need  to.  We  accidentally  got  the  information  from  the  company  in  one  of  our  

espionage  mission.  And  in  fact  the  ‘Cycle’  is  not  as  simple  as  what  you  think  it  is’  

‘And  the  company  just  keeps  everybody  in  blind?  How  could  they  do  that!?’  I  felt  so  fooled.    

‘But  how  about  the  ‘Xanadu’!  The  people  who  live  out  there?!  You  are  saying  they  are  all  dead?  

Billions  of  them?’    

No  answer  from  John…  

I  suddenly  felt  so  cold.  My  teeth  began  to  chatter,  even  though  the  water  in  the  sewer  system  

was  warm.  A  dizzy  from  the  shock  made  me  nausea  and  vomit.  

‘Calm  down  Steve.  Like  I  said  you  are  our  only  hope!  Now,  listen  to  me.  I  know  you  probably  just  

vomited.  That’s  the  effect  of  the  locator;  it  self-­‐discarded,  so  we  can  pick  you  up  now.’  

By  saying  that,  I  saw  a  faint  flash  light  which  is  about  200  yards  in  front  me.  It’s  the  front  light  of  

a  military  ship.  I  was  exhausted,  and  I  could  tell  I  was  going  down.  ‘What’s  the  meaning  to  keep  live  like  

this  anymore?’  I  used  all  my  left  strength,  struggled  for  the  last  time,  and  closed  my  eyes...  

Right  before  I  totally  sank,  a  big  hand  pulled  me  out  of  the  water  like  a  doll,  and  threw  me  on  

the  deck.  It’s  John!  Who  just  saved  my  life  for  the  second  time.  

I  coughed  so  hard  trying  to  get  the  sewer  water  out  of  my  liver.  ‘Oh,  I’m  going  to  vomit  again.’…  

John  left  after  he  saved  me;  he  had  to  go  back  to  the  HQ  to  lead  his  ship.  Obviously,  he  was  the  

leader  as  everyone  was  extremely  respected  to  him.  

They  wrapped  me  up  with  a  big  warm  blanket  then  sent  me  to  the  inner  room  to  rest.    

I  was  so  tired  and  fell  asleep  immediately…    

I  dreamed  about  my  family  having  a  happy  life  in  the  ‘Xanadu’.  My  beautiful  wife  and  my  lovely  

son.  Suddenly,  their  faces  begin  to  rust,  turning  into  burning  papers,  screaming  at  me.  It’s  like  hell.    

‘No!  NO!’  I  screamed  and  woke  up.  My  clothes  were  soaked  by  the  sweat.      

‘Bad  dream?’  It’s  John.  

I  didn’t  answer.  ‘Where  are  we?’  I  looked  outside  of  the  window.  It’s  wired  that  some  air  

bubbles  accumulated  on  the  edge  of  the  window.    

‘We  are  under  the  water  of  the  City  Lake.  And  now  we  are  heading  to  a  secret  military  base  at  

the  bottom  of  the  lake.’  

‘Ha,  so  that’s  how  you  rebels  hide  yourselves.’  

‘We  wish.    The  base  belongs  to  the  company.’  

‘What!?  Why  are  you  doing  this?’  

‘There  is  an  escaping  spaceship  which  will  lunch  in….a  hour.  And  we  will  send  you  on  that  ship  at  

all  costs.’  

‘Escape?  To  where?  Why  me?’  

‘Like  I  said  the  earth  is  dying,  and  the  company  can’t  hold  any  longer.  They  initiated  the  ‘Second  

chance’  project  many  years  ago.  All  these  years,  what  you  and  your  collogues  doing  in  the  factory  is  

simply  producing  anti-­‐nano  materials  to  sustain  the  ‘Cycle’  system.  It’s  the  only  barrier  left  to  protect  

human  beings.  The  energy  space  created  by  ‘Cycle’  can  neutralize  those  monsters  out  there,  the  City  

should  have  been  destroyed  long  time  ago  without  it.  ’  

‘Again!  Why  me!?’  

‘Cause  you  are  pure!  You  lucky  nuts.  The  company  invented  an  identification  system  on  that  ship,  

only  pure  human  body  can  go  through  it.  We  will  create  a  fake  identification  for  you  once  you  get  

aboard.’    

‘How  about  my  wife  and  my  son.  How  about  all  the  others?’  

‘Well,  be  honest  with  you  Steve,  you  are  the  only  one  left  who  works  in  the  factory  didn’t  

receive  any  kind  of  nano-­‐adjustment.  That’s  why  you  are  lucky!  You  should  know  that  your  wife  got  a  

new  pretty  nose  and  your  son  did  a  fracture  operation  several  years  ago,  right?’  

‘But  the  company  promised  they  will  not  use  nano-­‐tech  for  such  kind  of  minor  adjustments!’  

‘Like  they  never  lie!’  John  was  roused  by  me,  and  shouted.  ‘What  worse  is  they  discovered  the  

problem  many  years  ago,  and  since  then  they  stopped  using  any  kinds  of  nano-­‐tech  on  themselves  and  

their  families.  All  the  passengers  of  this  space  ship  are  either  the  best  scientists  in  each  area  or  relates  of  

the  top  people  in  the  company.  Those  bastards!’  

He  clenched  his  fist.  The  blood  vessel  busted  outside  of  his  nano-­‐robotic  arm.    

Then,  he  calmed  down  and  spoke  to  me  in  his  usual  smooth  voice  like  nothing  really  happened,  

‘The  space  ship  will  lunch  50  minutes  later,  and  the  destination  is  the  Mars.  They  established  a  new  

colony  there.’    

He  noticed  about  my  anxious.  ‘Don’t  worry,  we  will  keep  your  family  in  safe  while  you  left.  There  

is  only  one  thing  I  want  you  to  do  for  us.  Tell  the  people  on  the  Mars  what  really  happened  here.  

Without  nano-­‐tech’s  support,  the  company  has  lost  its  dominant  power  in  the  new  government  on  Mars.    

However,  they  still  controlled  important  aspects  like  resources  and  energy.  We  have  trusted  people  

send  to  Mars  every  time  they  lunch  an  escape  ship.  Also,  there  are  good  people  there,  the  scientists,  

they  are  our  only  hope.  We  want  you  to  represent  me  and  lead  our  people  there  to  keep  fight  back  the  

company.  Try  to  pull  the  scientists  to  our  side  and  help  them  to  find  the  cure.’  

‘WOW!WOW!WOW!Wait!  This  is  too  much  for  me.  Why  can  you  just  use  your  old  commanders  

who  have  already  been  sent  to  the  Mars?  I’m  just  a  civilian.’  

‘This  is  only  between  you  and  me  OK.  Because  I  trust  you  the  most!  And  you  got  the  potential  

you  just  never  know!  Just  dig  deep  into  your  memory  about  that  explosion  accident.’  

‘Sure  I  remember  it!  So,  you  saved  my  life.  You  don’t  have  to  use  that  to  push  me!  Cause  I  won’t  

do  it!’  

‘No,  you  stupid!  Open  your  mind!  You  saved  us!  It  was  you  who  pull  me  out  of  the  fire,  and  it  

was  you  who  lead  the  left  rebel  force  fight  back  to  the  company  troops  and  successfully  helped  all  of  us  

escaped.  You  even  killed  several  cops  yourself!  You  were  like  a  war  hero  for  us.’  

‘That,  that  is  not  true…’  Fire,  explosion,  people  cry,  blood.  The  memory  suddenly  gushed  into  my  

mind.  It  felt  like  my  head  is  going  to  explode.    

‘You  hit  your  head  while  we  were  running.  It  was  your  luck  that  you  got  the  amnestic  memory.  

You  woke  up  the  second  day  thought  I  saved  you  from  the  explosion.  The  company  secretly  investigated  

you  as  a  suspect  for  weeks  and  got  nothing.’  ‘HAHAHAH….!’  John  laughed.  

The  pain  faded  and  every  single  memory  about  that  day  came  back.  I  fell  back  and  tried  to  pull  

all  the  little  pieces  together.  It  turned  out  that  all  of  them  were  strongly  proving  that  John  didn’t  lie.    

‘Come  on!  Get  up  and  we  should  get  ready  to  transport  you  to  the  space  ship  now.’  John  

ordered.  I  acted  like  a  zombie,  and  followed  all  the  orders  John  gave  me.  All  these  years’  life  was  just  a  

big  joke  for  me.  My  wife  and  my  son  were  my  only  hope.  ‘I  need  to  save  them…I  need  to  see  them  

again…  I  need  to  …’  I  mumbled.  

They  obviously  had  done  the  smuggling  many  times,  and  from  approach  in  to  connection,  the  

whole  process  took  them  only  10  minutes.  However,  right  before  I  step  into  the  other  ship,  one  thing  

suddenly  came  into  my  mind,  the  most  crucial  thing.  Until  now,  after  all  these  years,  I’m  still  asking  

myself  all  the  time:  how  can  I  forget  about  it?  

‘Where  are  my  families  now!?  The  company  won’t  let  them  go  as  they  failed  to  catch  me!’    

Silence…  

‘We  tried  our  best  Steve.  The  investigators  were  just  too  fast.  We  are  already  very  lucky  that  we  

helped  you  to  get  out.  They  were  gone  when  we  got  there.  So  far,  we  don’t  know  what’s  going  on  up  

there.  I’m  sorry.’  

The  world  started  to  spin  again.  My  wife  and  my  son  were  the  only  thing  I  had  on  this  planet.  No  

more  dreams,  no  more  hope.  I  shake  my  head  and  looked  at  John,  deep  into  his  eyes.  ‘I  will  do  it,  not  

for  you!  Not  for  the  rebels!  I  will  do  it  for  myself!’  I  grabbed  the  faked  ID  tag  and  my  uniform,  then  

closed  the  hatch,  didn’t  give  John  any  chance  to  speak.    

Looking  at  his  stunned  face,  I  laughed,  so  loudly…I  suddenly  feel  such  a  release.  

From  that  moment,  the  flame  of  revenge  was  kindled  from  the  very  deepest  corner  of  my  soul  ….  

뇌의 대화

By Laura Kim

“용의자의 뇌가 손상되어 범죄 당시의 기억이 없는데, 범행을 저질렀다는 증거가 없는 이 시점에

서 무슨 수로 범죄를 증명하실 것입니까?”

그것은 살인용의자 측 변호인의 주장이었다. 용의자는 50대 남성으로 20대 여대생을 살해한 혐의

를 갖고 있으나 범행 이후 연이은 교통사고로 일부 기억이 상실되어 범행 당시의 기억이 없다.

그와 더불어 범행은 인적이 드문 암석이 많은 해안가에서 이루어져 제대로 된 목격자도 없을뿐더

러 범행흉기마저 바닷물에 쓸려 사라진 상황이다. 유일한 목격이라면 새벽 2시쯤 차 소리가 났다

는 주변 주민의 증언뿐이었다. 20대 여대생의 시신은 암석들 사이에서 발견되었으며 질식사에 의

해 숨진 것으로 나타났다. 시신을 발견했던 오전 8시에는 사망한지 이미 10시간 이상 지나있었고

범인이 검거된 곳은 시신이 발견된 곳에서 머지 않은 한 바다 횟집 앞 교통사고 현장이었다.

범인은 이미 1년 전부터 여러 젊은 여성의 살인사건의 용의자로 지목되었던 전적이 있으나 충분

한 증거가 없어 번번히 구속에 실패했다. 그런 실패의 고배를 마셔온 검찰은 이번에도 범인의 기

억상실에 망연자실한 상태였다. 또한 형사 측 역시 증거불충분과 용의자가 심문이 불가능한 상태

인 것에 달리 손 쓸 방법이 없어 또다시 저 살인자를 풀어줘야 하는가 하며 용의자를 검거한 수

사과에서는 매일 아침 탄식소리만 연달아 나오고 있었다.

“아 그 새끼가 분명히 저질렀단 말이지.. 그 질식시켜 죽인 거나 해안가에서 시체를 보란 듯이 놓

고간거나 그런 게 다 그 새끼가 하는 짓이라고.”

수사 1과 반장 김형식 형사는 평소처럼 자판기커피를 뽑아 홀짝거리면서 창 밖을 보며 혼잣말을

하고 있었다. 그날 아침은 범인이 교통사고로 병원에 입원한지 2주가 되는 시점으로 범인은 사고

로 입은 각종 골절치료들이 마무리 되어가고 퇴실을 준비한다는 통보를 받은 상황이었다.

“반.. 반장님!”

갓 들어온 꼬맹이 김인식 형사가 부리나케 김형식 형사의 자리로 뛰어오더니 귓속말로 소근거리

기 시작했다. 말이 채 끝나기 전에 수사과 문에 등장한 것은 하얀 가운을 입은 의사로 한 손에는

왕진가방이라고 하기에는 지나치게 큰 슈트케이스를 들고 있었다. 무테의 안경이 그의 인상을 한

층 흐릿하게 만들었지만 그와 대조되는 하얀 가운과 슈트케이스라고 부르기에도 무리가 있어 보

이는 쇠철가방이 도리어 그의 인상을 한층 더 흥미롭게 만들었다.

“……그 분이 바로 저 분이십니다.”

“안녕하십니다 여러분들~”

그 의사는 싱글싱글 웃으며 수사과 내부로 성큼성큼 걸어 들어왔다. 수상한 슈트케이스를 끌며

그는 수사과의 가장 안쪽에 있는 김형식 형사의 책상까지 조금도 거리낌없이 걸어 들어왔다. 오

히려 그의 당당한 모습에 수사과에 앉아있던 형사들이 어리둥절한 눈으로 그를 쳐다보고 있었을

뿐이었다. 김인식형사는 의사의 거침없는 행동에 당황했지만 곧네 김형식 수사반장의 얼굴을 보

고는 안심했다. 김형식 수사과장은 기다렸다는 듯이 그 의사를 향해 미소를 띠고 있었기 때문이

었다.

“아 그 당신이 유명하다는 뇌 연구가요?”

“저를 의사라고 부르지 않고 연구가라고 부르신 건 아마 형사님이 처음일겁니다.”

김형식 수사반장은 의사를 향해 손을 내밀었고 의사는 또다시 생글거리는 웃음을 지으며 수사반

장의 손을 맞잡아 악수했다. 그 의사는 김형식 수사반장의 눈을 똑바로 쳐다보며 말을 이어갔다.

“저에게 손을 내밀어 주신 건 제 연구를 신뢰하고 있으시다는 이야기라고 생각합니다. 대부분의

사람들을 절 사이비 종교 지도자라고 생각하거든요.”

“지금 이 시점에서 수사에 도움이 된다면 사이비 종교지도자라도 되고 싶은 마음이오.”

김형식 수사과장도 의사의 날카로운 시선에 맞대응하자 수사과의 분위기는 갑자기 찬물을 끼얹은

듯 싸늘해졌다. 의사는 의사라기보다는 기인에 가까운 모습으로 흰 가운만 입었을 뿐이지 청바지

에 다 떨어져가는 가죽신발에 꼬깃꼬깃한 셔츠에 부스스한 더벅버리를 하고 있어 수사과의 모든

형사들은 그가 미친 과학자가 아닐까라고 수근 대고 있었다.

“자 그러면 다른 방에 가서 이야기를 들어봅시다. 인식아 커피 한 개 타와라. 수사실로. 너도 들어

오려면 들어와도 되고. 그나저나 의사양반은, 무슨 커피 드시나?”

“공짜라면 사실 전 다 좋은데.”

게다가 공짜는 마다하지도 않는다니 그 돈 많이 번다는 의사가 맞는 건지 싶었지만 김인식 형사

는 복도의 자판기로 뛰어나갔다. 김형식 형사와 의사는 수사과를 나와 심문실로 발걸음을 옮겼다.

의사는 그 커다란 슈트케이스를 다시 끌고 이동했다. 그 슈트케이스야 말로 이 의사의 가장 이상

한 점이었다. 쇠로 만들어져 볼트와 너트로 이음새가 연결되어있고 금속성의 자물쇠에 손잡이는

무거운 쇠파이프에 유일하게 쇠가 아닌 것은 고무바퀴뿐이었다. 의사가 슈트케이스를 끌 때마다

자물쇠가 슈트케이스의 몸체에 부딪혀 나는 쇳소리가 경찰서의 시멘트바닥에 울려 그 의사의 괴

기스러움을 한층 더해주고 있었다.

심문실에 김형식 수사반장과 그 의사는 마주 앉아 이야기를 시작했다.

“그래서 의사양반, 당신이 지금 기억상실이라는 그 범인을 심문할 수 있다고 하는 거요?”

“그렇습니다. 제가 발명한 이 기계로 많은 것이 가능하지요. 하지만 이 기계를 쓸 수 있는 건 저

뿐입니다.”

“무슨 기계인지나 이야기를 들어봅시다.”

의사는 굳은 결심을 한 눈빛을 하곤 일단 한숨을 쉬었다. 그러고 바로 김형식 수사과장에게 이야

기를 하기 시작했다.

“이 기계는 인간의 뇌와 대화를 합니다. 우리는 평소에 대화를 할 때 목소리와 귀가 없으면 서로

이야기를 할 수 없지요. 목소리로 대화가 불가능한 분들은 수화라는 것을 통해 시각적으로 이야

기를 하죠. 시각마저 차단된 상황에서는 점자를 통해서 대화하기도 합니다. 하지만 이 모든 대화

행위는 결국 신체감각을 이용한 대화로- 즉, 신체가 없으면 대화가 불가능하다는 결론에 도달하게

됩니다.”

이 때 김인식 형사는 자판기에서 밀크커피를 뽑아 의사 앞에 놓고 그 싸한 분위기에 도저히 안에

같이 있을 상황은 아니다 싶어 밖으로 나갔다. 김인식 형사는 밖에서 거울 창을 통해 수사실 안

을 들여다보며 김형식 수사과장이 의자를 뒤로 빼고 허리를 젖혀 느슨히 앉아있는 것을 보고 의

사가 허풍을 떨고 있다고 생각했다. 하지만 이윽고 김형식 형사의 눈썹이 움찔거리는 것을 보고

자신도 밖에서 이야기를 들어야겠다고 생각해 의자에 앉아 그 둘의 대화를 듣기 시작했다.

“그러니까, 신체를 건너뛰고 뇌랑 직접 대화를 하시겠다?”

“그런 이야기죠. 하지만 대화를 하는 건 저 밖에 못합니다. 기계 조작도 어려운 것도 있지만 일단

전 대화를 좋아하거든요.”

“아니 좋아하는 거고 자시고 간에, 그게 가능은 한 얘기란 말이오? 아니 설사 가능한데도, 이미

그 범인 놈은 기억상실이라 기억이 없다는데-“

의사는 김형식 수사반장의 말이 끝나기도 전에 말을 받아 쳤다.

“그 기억상실이라는 부분이 맞는다고 어떻게 확신하십니까?”

“뭐요?”

김형식 수사반장은 순간 짜증이 솟구쳐 의사를 째려보았다.

“그리고 그런 단기기억상실은 약간의 자극만으로도 회복이 가능한 사례도 있습니다. 그리고 그 범

인이 당했다는 부상 정도나 교통사고의 상황으로 봐서는 충분이 기억하고 있거나 기억을 회복하

는 것이 가능하다고 생각합니다.”

“그렇다면 자백을 받아낼 수도 있다. 이것인가?”

“그렇지요. 사실 최면요법이랑 비슷한 것일지도 모르지만, 최면요법이라는 것은 최면에 걸리지 않

으면 불가능한 점. 하지만 이 ‘뇌의 대화’ 장치를 이용한다면 없는 최면이라는 행위 없이도 대상

자의 뇌를 읽을 수 있습니다.”

김형식 수사반장은 의미심장한 표정을 지었다. 그게 가능한 이야기라면 범인이 무슨 일을 했는지

알 수 있을뿐더러 더 나아가 이전에 저질렀을 지도 모른 살인사건의 재수사도 가능하기 때문이다.

하지만 이 의사를 어떻게 신뢰할 수 있을지에 대해서는 여전히 의문이었다.

“하지만 뇌라는 게 기억을 조작할 수도 있지 않은가?”

“그렇기 때문에 제가 이 ‘대화’를 이끌어야 합니다. 형사님들도 하시겠지만 진실을 가려내는 데에

는 수많은 증거들과 끈질긴 심문으로 자백을 얻어내는 것이 필요하지요. 그 예로 거짓말과 진실

을 가려내는데 거짓말 탐지기를 쓰기도 하고 말입니다. 저는 용의자의 기억을 단순히 관찰하는

선 이상으로 그의 기억 속의 누군가로 잠입할 것입니다. 그의 뇌의 기억 속의 용의자와 제가 직

접 만나게 것이죠.”

의사는 다시 그 특유의 의미심장한 웃음을 지으며 김형식 수사반장을 쳐다보았다. 그러고는 의자

에서 일어나 그가 가져온 슈트케이스를 상 위에 놓고 주머니에서 열쇠를 꺼내 자물쇠를 열었다.

그 금속성의 슈트케이스 속에는 기괴한 기계가 들어가 있었다. 마치 각종 철판 찌끄러기와 가능

한 한 많은 전선을 다 모아서 만들어 놓은 듯한 기계였다.

“이게 그 기계 장치입니다.”

“무슨 사이보그 해파리 같구먼.”

김형식 수사반장은 의사가 가방에서 꺼낸 기계를 쳐다보다 의사를 보며 씨익 웃으며 말했다.

“근데 의사양반, 내가 아무리 급해도 말이지. 신빙성이 없는 건 수사에 쓸 수가 없는데……”

그리고는 거울 창 너머를 슬쩍 쳐다보더니 의사의 귀에 무언가 소근거렸다. 밖에 앉아있던 김인

식 형사는 김형식 수사반장이 쳐다보기에 순간 흠칫하고 놀랐다. 그리고선 김형식 수사반장이 귓

속말을 하기에 무슨 이야기를 하나 궁금했지만 설마 그게 자신의 이야기 일 줄은 몰랐다.

“아니 반장님 왜 제가 그 제 뇌를 읽혀야 하냔 말이에요!!”

수사실 밖으로 나온 김형식 수사반장은 당황해서 얼굴이 새빨개진 김인식 형사의 어깨에 팔을 두

르며 말을 이어갔다.

“그게 아니 우리가 누굴 사서 할 순 없고.. 나는 말이지 금속 알러지가 있거든. 그래서 마누라랑

결혼할 때 맞춘 결혼반지도 못 껴요.”

“아니 그건 사모님이 팔아..!”

김형식 수사반장은 김인식 형사의 입을 틀어막고는 의사를 향해 말했다.

“아 요놈이 주둥이는 살아서. 이놈은 나이가 젊은데다가 어제는 늦게까지 수사과에서 다른 사건

파일 작성을 했을 테니 일을 제대로 했으면 수사과에서 컴퓨터로 서류작업을 하고 있었을 테지.

그리고 어차피 CCTV로 이놈이 수사실에서 일했는지 아닌지는 확인할 수 있고.”

“그럼 수사실을 잠깐 빌리도록 하지요.”

의사는 수사실 상위에 기계들을 모두 꺼내 놓고는 전기코드를 찾아 전원을 연결했다. 그리고 선

으로 마구 엉켜있는 철판 찌끄러기들을 정리하더니 상위에는 두 개의 헬멧 같은 철골구조가 나왔

다. 그리고 철 슈트케이스에서 네모난 단말기를 꺼내더니 그 단말기에 두 헬멧을 연결하기 시작

했다. 그리고 그는 슈트케이스에서 스케치북과 펜을 꺼내 상위에 놓았다.

“반장님 근데 지금 바로 하는..?”

“의사양반, 맞은편에 앉으면 되는 거요?”

“네, 이쪽으로.”

김형식 수사반장은 김인식 형사의 등을 떠밀어 억지로 의자에 앉히고서는 핸드폰을 꺼내 들었다.

“나중에 그 범인 놈 변호하는 측에서 신빙성 얘기를 꺼내면 곤란하니 이 영상이랑 CCTV랑 같이

제시하면 빼도 박도 못하겠지. 물론 의사양반을 오늘 처음 봤다는 증거도 필요하겠지만.”

의사는 뻣뻣하게 앉아있는 김인식 형사에게 한 쪽 헬멧을 씌우기 시작했다. 머리에 꼭 맞게 하려

는 것인지 그 철골구조 헬멧에 잔뜩 달려있는 나사를 머리에 맞게 조였다. 그리고는 주머니에서

침 같은 것을 꺼내서 철골구조에 나있는 조그만 구멍을 통과해 김인식 형사의 머리에 막 꽂는 것

이었다. 김인식 형사는 거울 창에 비친 자신의 모습을 보고 겁먹어서 식은땀을 마구 흘렸다.

“저기 선생님 저.. 죽는 건..?”

“죽을 리는 없으니 걱정 마세요. 그리고 뇌를 손상시키는 건 제가 하려는 게 아니니 걱정 안 하셔

도 됩니다.”

“아니 저기……뇌를 읽을 수도 있다는 건 소설이나 만화에서나 읽어본 얘기인 거 같아서..”

의사는 그냥 씽긋 웃더니 반대편에 앉아 자신의 머리에도 김인식 형사에게 씌운 똑 같은 헬멧을

씌우고는 자기 손으로 나사를 조였다. 그리고는 마치 이미 어느 자리에 침을 꽂으면 되는지 아는

것처럼 잠시의 지체도 없이 주머니에서 침 두 개를 꺼내 머리의 앞쪽에 두 개의 침을 꽂았다.

“저 근데 잠들거나 그래야 하는 거 아닌.. 가요?”

“눈만 잠시 감으시죠.”

김인식 형사가 말 걸기가 무섭게 의사는 단말기의 버튼을 켰다. 그리고 이어지는 김인식 형사의

비명.

“으아 아악 이게 뭡니까?!!”

“아 이런 눈을 채 감으시기도 전에 스위치를 켜버렸나 보군요.”

김인식 형사는 스스로 꿈을 꾸고 있는 것인가 라는 생각을 했다. 왜냐하면 갑자기 눈앞에 있던

의사와 김형식 형사가 모두 사라졌기 때문이었다. 게다가 자신이 지금 앉아있는 곳은 어제 밤늦

게까지 작업하던 수사과실이 아니던가. 그리고 자신도 모르게 타자를 치며 서류작업을 하고 있었

다. 자신의 시선은 컴퓨터에 가있지만 동시에 이건 ‘과거’의 이미지라는 것을 자각하고 있는 스스

로의 모습을 보고는 식은땀을 흘리고 있었다. 어제 자신이 서류작업을 하고 있지만 지금의 자신

이 어제의 자신에 빙의 되어 있는 느낌이랄까? 그는 그 이상한 감각에 순간 구역질이 올라오는

그 순간 갑자기 눈앞이 깜깜해졌다. 그리고 그는 서서히 눈을 떴다.

“어이 김인식이! 괜찮냐?!”

얼굴을 만져보니 축축한 것이 누가 물 한 바가지를 끼얹은 거 같다. 눈앞에 김형식 수사반장이

보이는 걸 보니 살아있는 건 맞는데 뭔가 기분이 나빠진 김인식 형사였다.

“아 반장님 진짜 저한테 이러시는 거 아닙니다..”

“뭐 살았으니 됐지 않냐. 그리고 딴짓 안 한게 맞구만!! 허허허허”

웃고 있는 김형식 수사반장의 모습을 보고 있자니 김인식 형사는 더 속에서 울화가 치밀었지만

무슨 이런 개 같은 직업이 다 있나 싶다가도 어느 샌가 본인도 살았으면 되었지 라고 생각하는

자신도 어처구니가 없어서 헛웃음만 나왔다. 그렇게 일명 ‘뇌의 대화’라 불리는 그 기계장치의 성

능(?)은 검증되었고, 싸늘한 수사실에서 물 한 바가지를 뒤집어 쓰고 누워있는 자신 옆에 머리에

여전히 괴상한 헬멧을 쓰고 그의 동공을 확인하고 있는 의사와 어느새 열려있는 수사실의 문 너

머에 우글우글한 동료들을 보고 있자니 다시금 씁쓸한 기분이 들었다. 하지만 수사의 실마리를

잡은 듯한 김형식 수사반장 특유의 격양된 표정은 이 기계에 대한 기대감으로 가득 차 있는 듯

했다.

그 의사의 이름은 한진규라고 했다. 아침부터 일찍 한진규와 경찰들이 모인 곳은 그 용의자가 있

다는 병원이었다. 병원은 숲이 우거진 산골에 있는 아침부터 음산한 기운을 뿜어내는 곳이었지만,

그보다 더 기괴한 것은 한진규의 쇠붙이 슈트케이스였다. 김형식 수사반장의 경찰차에서부터 용

의자의 병실이 있는 복도까지 그의 슈트케이스가 내는 금속성의 소리는 심지어 음산한 병원의 분

위기에 어울리기까지 했다. 한진규와 김형식 수사반장이 엘리베이터를 타자 안에 있는 한 소년과

어머니가 한진규의 가방을 보고는 흠칫 놀란 모습이었다. 그러자 한진규는 허리를 굽혀 아이에게

미소 지어 보였다. 오히려 그 웃음이 그를 한 층 더 괴기스럽게 보이게 했지만 그는 개의치 않는

듯해 보였다.

김인식 형사는 그 기괴한 뇌 의사와 김형식 수사반장이 오기 전까지 용의자 측 보호인과 수사에

대한 이야기를 마쳐놓고 있어야 했다.

“뇌를 통해 대화 하시겠다고요?”

보호인은 용의자가 대략 10년 전부터 함께 살아온 40대 후반의 여인으로 부인은 아니지만 거의

집안을 돌보다시피 해 온 여성이었다. 처음 용의자와 살기 시작했을 때에는 딸과 함께 살았다고

했는데 현재는 딸이 가출하고 어디론가 사라진 상태라고 했다. 그녀는 어디에서나 볼 수 있는 중

년여성처럼 파마머리에 다소 통통한 체형에 작은 키의 여성이었지만 경계심이 무척 강했다.

“그게 뭔질 알고 하겠어요? 게다가 우린 변호사 없이는 아무런 얘기도 안 합니다.”

“아주머니. 이 검찰에서 허용한 기계인데다가 당신네 변호사는 검찰과 경찰의 요구를 거부할 권리

가 없어요~”

아침부터 김인식 형사는 김형식 형사를 대신해 아주머니와 실랑이를 벌이느라 머리가 지끈거렸지

만 5분 있다 도착할 김형식 수사반장에게 혼날지도 모르겠다는 생각에 마음이 조급해져 있었다.

시계와 아주머니를 쳐다보기를 반복하던 찰나에 엘리베이터의 도착 소리가 들렸다.

“띵!”

“드르륵”

“철커덩 철커덩 철커덩”

“저벅 저벅 저벅”

엘리베이터 문이 열리고 시끄러운 쇠붙이들이 부딪히는 소리가 들리자 김인식형사는 순간 흠칫하

고 등골이 서늘해졌다. 김형식 수사반장은 여느 때처럼 날카로운 눈초리를 하고는 앞장서 용의자

의 병실 앞으로 향했고 한진규는 그를 따라 조용히 걸었다. 김인식형사는 속으로 이젠 죽었다 싶

을 즈음에 김형식 수사반장이 그에게 호통을 쳤다.

“김인식이! 내가 그 준비하라고 한 건 다 했냐?”

“바.. 반장님”

김형식 수사반장은 성큼성큼 김인식형사에게 걸어와 귀를 잡아당기더니 귓속말을 했다.

“야 임마 아줌마 하나도 못 다루냐?”

“아줌마라니요!”

귓속말을 눈치챘는지 용의자의 보호인인 중년여성이 기분 나쁘다는 표정으로 형사들을 쳐다보았

다. 옆에서 조용히 있던 한진규가 불쑥 아주머니 앞으로 다가가더니 웃으면서 말했다.

“사모님, 제가 그 뇌로 대화하겠다는 의사인데 말이죠, 바깥양반께서 최근일을 기억을 못하신다

길래 그것도 치료해 드릴 겸 조사도 할 겸해서 하겠다는 겁니다.”

“아니 그 기계가 뭔데 그 양반 뇌를 고친다는 겁니까? 가만 내버려두면 기억력이 돌아올 수도 있

다는데. 저 형사라는 사람한테 암만 들어도 완전 사이비더만. 사이비의사밖에 의지할 게 없는 거

보니 경찰들이 그렇게 능력이 없어요?”

중년 여성의 말을 듣자마자 김인식형사는 욱해서 몸이 앞으로 쏠렸지만 김형식 수사반장은 김인

식 형사에게 손을 뻗어 그의 행동을 저지했다. 한진규는 중년여성의 흥분에 잠시 놀란 뒤로 한걸

음 물러서 당연히 그럴 수도 있다는 투로 대답을 했다.

“많은 분들께서 그렇게 생각하시지요. 심지어 여기 계신 형사 분들도 검찰에서 이 수사방법을 허

용하기 전까지는 믿지 않으셨습니다.”

그리고 그는 용의자의 병실 문 쪽으로 다가가 문에 뚫려있는 창으로 용의자의 침상을 쳐다보며

말을 이었다.

“저희는 그 분의 무죄일 가능성을 배제할 수 없어서 확인하고자 하는 겁니다. 무죄이시면 굳이 어

느 수사방법도 거부하실 이유가 없겠지요.”

한진규가 중년 여성을 향해 날카로운 눈빛을 보내자 김형식 수사반장은 천천히 중년 여성에게 다

가가서는 말을 이었다.

“김춘자씨, 딱 하루 오늘만 수사를 하면 됩니다. 크게 걱정하실 것도 없고, 한진규 의사 말 따마다

바깥 양반께서 무죄이시면 무죄이신 겁니다. 이 수사방법은 수많은 수사방법 중 하나일 뿐. 결국

증거가 모든걸 말할 테니 걱정 마시지요.”

중년 여성은 머뭇거리더니 방문을 열고는 누워있는 용의자에게 다가갔다. 방은 본래 2인실이지만

용의자의 침상만 있어 훵하게 느껴지는 곳이었다. 김형식 수사반장, 김인식 형사, 한진규는 중년

여성을 뒤따라 차례로 들어갔다. 새하얀 방의 형광등이 한층 방을 썰렁하게 만드는 듯 했다. 바깥

은 밝은 실내와 달리 먹구름이 끼어 곧 비라도 내릴 듯한 모습이었다. 중년 여성은 용의자를 가

리고 있는 커튼을 걷어 정리하고는 어두운 바깥 때문에 거울처럼 그녀의 등과 누워있는 용의자를

비추는 창문을 등지고는 약간 섬뜩한 미소를 지으며 말했다.

“통증이 심해서 근데 이 양반이 지금 수면제를 맞고 자고 있어서 한 몇 시간은 못 일어 날 텐데

상관없겠지요?”

“오히려 잘 됐군요.”

한진규는 조금도 당황한 기색 없이 중년 여성을 쳐다보며 대답했다. 중년 여성은 예상대로 난감

한 표정을 지었으나 한진규는 조금도 미동하지 않았다. 그는 이내 곧 슈트케이스를 일부러 더 큰

소리를 내서 잠든 것을 확인하려는 마냥 환자의 침대 옆에 놓여진 테이블 위에 쇠붙이들이 부딪

히는 날카로운 소리를 시끄럽게 내며 올려두었다. 그리고는 김인식 형사에게 이 병실로 침대 하

나만 가져다 주겠느냐고 부탁을 했다. 한진규는 테이블 위의 슈트케이스를 열고는 차근차근 그

해괴한 쇠철 헬멧 두 구와 단말기, 전선이 연결되어있는 침들 한줌, 그리고 병원에서 흔히 볼 수

있는 심박측정기를 꺼냈다. 그리고 마지막으로 두꺼운 연습장과 검은색 마커 세 자루를 꺼냈다.

중년 여성은 한진규의 슈트케이스보다 한층 더 괴기스러운 장치를 보고는 어이없다는 표정을 지

었다.

김형식 수사반장은 약간 긴장된 얼굴로 침상에 누워있는 용의자를 쳐다보고 있었다. 그는 증거가

없어 이 용의자를 체포하지 못하고 이 병실에 누워있는 모습을 지켜보고 있다는 것 자체만으로도

분한 마음이 들었다. 그렇기에 그는 한진규에게 많은 기대를 걸고 있었다. 스스로 생각하기에도

사이비 최면술사나 한진규나 다름없다 생각했지만, 한진규가 범행 당시의 기억, 그 중에서도 지문

이나 혈흔, 체액이 남았을 만한 물건이라던가 장소만이라도 알아낼 수 있다면 경찰은 증거를 확

보할 수 있기 때문에 지금 당장은 한진규를 믿어볼 수 밖에 없었다. 얼마나 기다려왔던 범인인가.

하지만 수사를 지휘하는 것은 한진규이기에 김형식 수사반장은 그가 스케치북에 그려내거나 적어

내는 내용 이외에는 전혀 볼 수 없다. 그렇기 때문에 경찰이 원하는 질문에 대한 답을 찾기 위해

서 한진규와 말을 맞춰놓아야만 했다.

“저기 의사양반, 수사의 초점은 전적으로 경찰이 증거를 찾을 수 있을 만한 장소라던가 물건을

발견하는 거요. 그 범인이 범행을 저지르는 순간을 당신이 볼 수도 있겠지만 그 순간을 목격한

사람이 없는 이상 죽인 기억만으로는 용의자를 못 잡아 넣는다는 건 알고 있어야 할 거요.”

“잘 알겠습니다. 특히 흉기에 관련된 것을 중점적으로 보도록 하지요.”

“그나저나 그 무슨 수로 용의자의 동의를 얻어내려고 하나? 당신도 알겠지만 묵비권 행사라는 것

도 있어서 말이지..”

병원에 도착하기 두 시간 전, 한진규와 김형식 수사반장은 병원에 오는 길, 차 속에서 이야기를

나누고 있었다. 지겹도록 반복되는 물안개가 낀 숲 풍경을 보며 이야기를 하고 있으니 어떤 말도

의미심장하게 들리는 듯 했다. 운전대를 잡고 있는 김형식 수사반장은 물안개 때문에 시야가 좁

아져 몸을 바짝 앞으로 당겨 앞을 살피느라 여간 운전하기가 성가시는게 아니었지만 보조석의 한

진규는 느긋하게 좌석에 등을 기대고 안개 속에 보이는 나무들의 그림자를 응시하며 말을 이었다.

“그건 걱정 안 하셔도 됩니다. 병원에 전화해보니 다행 이도 환자는 잠을 제대로 자지 못해서 수

면제를 복용시킨다고 하더군요. 특히 밤과 새벽엔 깨어있고 아침에 꼭 수면제를 찾는 다고 하니,

우리가 도착했을 즈음에는 이미 자고 있을 겁니다. 자고 있는 상황이면 일단 제가 어느 기억을

짚어나가던 그에 대한 저항은 없을 테니 오히려 수사에는 도움이 되지요.”

차창 밖을 보며 조곤조곤 말을 하는 한진규에게 김형식 수사반장은 물안개가 살짝 걷힌 부근이

나타나자 커피 한 모금을 들이마시고는 말을 이어갔다.

“아니 근데 정말 일단 경찰은 병원에 못 들어 가는데 선생이름을 하나 댄 것 가지고 수사권이 허

용되다니 내가 선생이름은 들어는 봤어도 그런 존재인줄은 몰랐구먼.”

“결국 모든 건 연구의 연장선이기 때문이지요……”

한층 물안개가 자욱한 다리가 나오자 한진규는 차창을 내렸다. 창 밖에서 들어오는 냉기와 습기

가 김형식 수사반장의 얼굴에 닿자 그는 이내 또 커피 한 모금을 들이 마셨다. 그리고 한진규는

창틀에 팔을 기대어 턱을 괴고는 차창 밖을 내다보며 이야기를 이어나갔다.

“뭐 제가 도운 수사들 중에 실제로 자백을 받아낸 사례도 있으니.. 제가 단지 흥미로운 수사방식

을 보여드리기 위해서 온건 아니라는 것을 아시면 좋겠군요. 게다가 저번에 김인식형사님처럼 이

미 일시적인 기억을 돼내어 영구적인 기억으로 남아있는 경우라면 거짓말 탐지기 사용을 병행하

여 자백을 유도하는 것쯤은 어려운 일도 아니지요. 그렇기 때문에 이번 용의자는 영구적인 기억

을 추적하는 것 이상으로 잃어버린 일시적인 기억을 일종의 자극으로 깨어낸다는 점에서 제 연구

에 새로운 실험대상이 되는 셈입니다.”

한진규는 조금도 망설임 없이 냉정하게 용의자를 새로운 실험의 일부라고 언급했지만 차 밖에서

들어오는 한기 때문일까 새로운 연구에 대한 흥분일까 턱을 괴고 있는 그의 떨리는 손에서 흥분

과 긴장을 느낄 수 있었다. 김형식 수사반장은 물안개가 자욱한 다리를 지나 시야가 확보되자 웅

크렸던 몸을 펴고 대화를 이어갔다.

“그런데 그 어떤 인물이 되어 용의자의 기억을 되짚어 간다는 건지 이해가 잘 안 되는데……”

한진규는 기다렸다는 듯이 차창을 올리고는 말을 이어갔다.

“사람은 기억을 조작할 수 있습니다. 눈으로 본 것, 귀로 들은 것, 코로 냄새 맡은 것, 손으로 만

진 것 모두 주관적으로 기억되죠. 인지 조차도 주관적이니까요. 반장님이 어느 가게를 지나갔을

때 기름냄새가 났다고 해서 치킨 집이라고 기억할 수도 있지만, 실은 치킨 집이 아니라 중국집일

수도 있지요. 하지만 조작된 기억이던 진실된 기억이던 뭔가 이질감이라던가 위화감이 느껴지는

순간에 뇌는 뭔가 기억이 잘못 됐다는 것을 인지하지요. 치킨 집이라 생각했던 튀김가게에서 철

가방이 얹어진 오토바이가 주차된 것을 무심코 지나쳤다가 문득 생각이 나는 경우랄까나요. 저는

이전의 수사에서는 그 이질감, 기억의 오류를 전적으로 이용해서 뇌에 상당한 스트레스를 가하는

방식으로 자백을 이끌어냈었지요. 비 수면상태에서 수사대상의 뇌가 기억을 필사적으로 조작하려

는 것을 제가 간섭하는 방법부터 김인식 형사님 때처럼 뇌의 자가의지를 마비시켜 제가 기억을

억지로 해내게 만드는 방법까지 상당히 강제적이었지요. 하지만 이번에는 그 반대로, 용의자의 기

억 속의 일부로 들어갈 것입니다. 용의자의 뇌는 제가 잠입해 있는 것을 인지하지 못하는 것이지

요. 그래서 저는 어느 한 기억 속에서는 용의자와 대화를 한 누군가가 되고, 어느 한편에서는 용

의자를 목격한 사람이 되고, 어느 한 부분에서는 동물이 될 수도 있지요. 물론 대화라던가 자극을

통해 정보를 알아낼 수도 있지만, 그 강도가 너무 지나쳐 용의자의 뇌가 이질감을 지각하면 실험

은.. 아니 수사는 실패할 것입니다.”

그는 미간을 잠시 찌뿌리더니 이내 곧 한숨을 내뱉으며 허심탄회한 표정을 지었다. 그는 안경을

검지손가락으로 치켜 올리고 말을 이어갔다.

“그렇기 때문에 이번엔 극심한 두뇌싸움이 일어날 것을 생각해 저도 제 뇌의 의지, 즉 제가 제 뇌

의 주도권과 집중력을 잃지 않기 위해 수면을 취할 겁니다. 집중력이 흐려지는 순간 용의자는 저

의 간섭을 인지하게 될 것이고 그렇게 되면 그의 기억 속에 숨어 들어간 저를, 그의 기억에서 마

음대로 휘두를 수 있겠지요. 최악의 상황은 제가 숨을 멎는 것입니다.”

“뭐요?!!”

순간 김형식 수사반장은 흠칫 놀라 한진규를 쳐다보느라 자신도 모르게 급브레이커를 밟았지만

천천히 속도를 다시 올리면서 커피를 몇 모금 들이키더니 다시 침착해진 목소리로 물었다.

“아니 죽을 수도 있다니, 너무 위험한 거 아니요? 그리고, 그럼 우리는 무슨 수로 당신이 제대로

수사해 나가고 있다고 알 수 있단 말이요?”

“어차피 신체를 지배하는 것도 뇌 입니다. 제가 손을 움직여 스케치북에 글로 혹은 그림으로 내용

이나 지시를 전달할 겁니다. 하지만 스케치북의 장을 넘겨주거나 펜을 교체하는 건 형사님께서

좀 도와주셔야 하겠지만요. 필요이상의 에너지를 쓸수록 저는 제 뇌의 통제권을 잃어 더 위험한

일이 일어나겠지요. 그 말은 즉, 형사님들의 도움이 꼭 필요하다는 겁니다. 뭐 저에겐 이 모든 게

연구, 이지만요.”

한진규는 미소를 지으며 그와는 달리 떨리는 두 손을 멈추려는 듯 양손을 마주 깍지를 꼈다. 그

의 긴장과 흥분이 김형식 수사반장에게까지 전해지는 듯 했다. 김형식 수사반장은 한진규의 확신

에 찬 표정을 보고는 걱정 할 것이 없다는 생각이 들었다. 연구를 위해서 자신도 실험에 사용하

는 미친 과학자였지만 연구를 위해 죽을 생각 따윈 애초에 하지 않는 듯 했다. 게다가 어떻게 들

어도 말도 안 되는 수사방법에 자신도 모르게 의지해버릴 뻔 했다는 생각에 스스로 한심한 생각

이 들어 피식 웃음을 지었다.

“뭐 여하튼 오늘은 의사양반 마음대로 하쇼. 우린 뭐 아무 손을 쓸 수가 없을 테니. 이미 의심되

는 사건 파일은 다 넘겨줬으니 당신이 아예 사건에 대해서 모르는 것도 아니고. 용의자를 구워

삶든 뭘 하든 간 당신이 못 알아내면 아 우리 경찰이 벼랑 끝까지 그 놈을 찾아갈 거니까 아무런

결과가 없어도 상관 없수다. 아 그러면 의사양반은 실험에 실패하는 건가? 그건 좀 안됐네.”

김형식 수사반장이 툭툭 말을 내 뱉자 이내 곧 한진규는 막 웃기 시작했다. 한진규 수사반장도

덩달아 마구 웃었지만 좀처럼 차 앞에 자욱한 물안개는 걷힐 것 같아 보이지 않았다.

한진규는 테이블 앞에 기기를 펼쳐두고 잠시 화장실을 사용한 뒤에 테이블 옆 의자에 앉아 김인

식 형사가 침대를 가져오기를 기다리고 있었다. 김형식 수사반장은 먹구름으로 어두워져 가는 창

바깥을 응시하고 있었다. 중년여성, 한진규, 김형식 수사반장은 서로 눈을 마주치기를 기피하듯

각자 다른 곳을 응시하고 있어 방안에는 묘한 기운이 돌았다.

“철컹!”

“반장님 침대 왔습니다!!”

김인식 형사는 조용했던 적막을 깨고 덜컥 문을 열고는 침대를 끌고 방안으로 들어왔다. 갑자기

큰 소리가 났지만 여전히 용의자는 침상 위에서 잠들어 있었다. 한진규는 김인식 형사에게 가져

온 침대를 용의자의 침대 옆으로 옮겨달라 부탁하고 용의자의 침대의 머리 쪽을 테이블 쪽으로

돌렸다. 그리고 용의자의 머리를 살짝 들어 헬멧을 씌우고 머리에 침을 놓기 시작했다.

김인식 형사에게 테스트했을 때와 다르게 이번에는 모든 침에도 전선이 이어져있고 심박측정기까

기 붙이고 나니 한층 더 해괴한 모습을 만들어 냈다. 그러고 한진규는 다른 편 침대에 누워 한쪽

침대를 기울여 침대에 반쯤 기대어 앉더니 자신도 헬멧을 쓰고, 머리의 이곳 저곳을 손으로 더듬

거리다가 하나 둘씩 침을 꽂기 시작했다. 침을 다 꽂고 나자 입고 온 셔츠의 단추를 풀더니 이리

저리 가슴팍을 손으로 짚다가 하나 둘씩 자신의 심장 부근에 측정기를 붙였다.

“이거 보고 있는 것 자체가 장관이네요.”

김인식 형사는 도와줄 것이 있나 이리저리 한진규에게 물어봤지만 모두 거절당하고 우두커니 김

형식 수사반장과 용의자의 동거인 중년 여성과 나란히 서서 한진규가 장치를 설치하는 것을 쳐다

보고 있었다. 그들은 비록 경찰과 용의자의 변호인이라는 껄끄러운 관계였지만 어디로 봐도 신기

하다 못해 요상한 장치를 설치하는 한진규의 모습에 하나같이 서커스의 신기한 동물쇼라도 본 것

같은 표정을 짓고 있었다. 한진규는 전선이 달려있다 하는 모든 것은 다 신체에 부착하고선 테이

블 위의 스케치북과 펜을 집어 잡고는 형사들에게 말했다.

“김형식 반장님 제가 뭔가 적거든 와서 바로 바로 읽으십시오. 물어보시고 싶은 게 있으면 가까이

와서 말씀해 주셔도 됩니다. 아, 이 스케치북 페이지도 넘겨주셔야 합니다. 그리고 아마 김인식

형사님은 용의자를 감시하셔야 할 겁니다. 일이 잘 못돼서 용의자가 깨어나거나, 제가 용의자의

보호자분 때문이던, 기계장치 때문이던 목숨이 위태로울 수도 있거든요. 아, 그리고 아마 시간은

4시간 정도 걸리지 않을까 싶습니다. 첫 살인으로 추정되는 때가 작년 3월경이라 거의 1년 정도

기억을 짚어야겠군요.”

한진규는 떨림 없는 목소리로 나긋나긋하게 형사들을 향해 이야기를 전달하고는 간호사를 부르는

벨을 눌러달라고 부탁했다. 오 분 정도 지난 후에 간호사가 들어오자 간호사는 한진규에게 몇 마

디를 하고는 팔을 묶고 주사를 놓고 형사들에게 인사를 하고는 방을 나갔다. 김형식 수사반장과

김인식 형사는 용의자의 보호인을 밖으로 내 보내고 침대 위에 누워있는 한진규를 바라 보았다.

한진규는 단말기의 스위치를 켜고 그들에게 엄지손을 치켜들고는 눈을 서서히 감았다. 그리고는

손을 뻗어 단말기의 스위치를 켰다.

“이제 나머지는 모두 의사선생이 하기에 달려 있군.”

눈을 감고 어둠 속에서 한진규는 김형식 수사반장의 목소리를 듣고는 손을 움직여 V자를 그려

보였다. 사실 V자를 손을 움직여 내보였는지, 내보였다고 생각만 한 것인지 구분은 되지 않았지만

적어도 머릿속- 뇌 속의 자신은 김형식 수사반장에게 V를 내 보이는 것을 상상하고 있었다. 이미

그, 즉 그의 뇌, 는 그의 신체와 독자적으로 움직이기 시작했다. 그는 짙은 암흑 속에서 계속 걸

었다. 이윽고 순식간에 펼쳐지는 수많은 기억의 장면들이 파노라마처럼 양 옆으로 펼쳐졌다. 그러

다가 갑자기 땅이 훅 꺼지는 듯한 느낌이 들더니 기억의 파노라마들이 흩어지며 낙하하는 그의

몸을 통과하기 시작했다. 그렇게 한동안 그는 한도 끝도 없이 낙하하고 있었다.

“짤랑”

“어서 오세요~”

신문 속의 날짜는 200X년 3월 20일. 첫 사체가 발견된 그 날 편의점에 용의자는 편의점 문을 열

고 들어왔다. 한진규는 여자 아르바이트생이 되어 그를 반겼다. 시각은 늦은 오후 4시 반으로 봄

비가 추적추적 내리고 있어 밖은 흐린 상태였다. 용의자는 쓰인 한 건설사무실의 점퍼를 입고 캡

모자를 푹 눌러쓰고 고개를 떨군 채 편의점에 들어왔다. 그의 부츠는 이미 비로 반쯤 젖어 있었

고 신발 바닥에는 진흙이 묻어 있어 편의점의 흰 타일바닥에는 그의 자취를 고스란히 남아있었다.

그는 문에서 곧장 음료 코너로 가더니 맥주 캔을 잔뜩 집어서 들고는 계산대로 저벅저벅 걸어왔

다. 고개를 그대로 떨구고 있는 상황에서 두 팔로 안아 들고 온 맥주 캔을 편의점 계산대에 내려

놓았다. 급작스럽게 맥주 캔을 안고 있던 팔을 벌려 계산대 앞뒤로 맥주 캔들이 우르르 떨어졌다.

“어이쿠!”

용의자가 놀란 소리를 내자 아르바이트생은 허리를 숙여 캔을 집어 허리를 펴자 갑자기 용의자가

검은 천을 아르바이트생의 얼굴에 씌우더니 눈앞이 깜깜해졌다. 아르바이트생의 눈을 통해 용의

자를 보고 있던 한진규는 갑자기 혼란이 왔지만 곧 흐릿한 아르바이트생의 시야 너머로 보이는

용의자의 얼굴을 보고는 아르바이트생이 납치 당했다는 것을 감지했다.

“짜-악!”

“이제 일어났구나..”

갑자기 뺨에 통증이 느껴지더니 아르바이트생의 시야가 트이며 용의자가 입에 미소를 짓고 손에

로프를 양손에 감고 팽팽하게 당기는 것이 보였다. 아르바이트 생의 눈이 깜빡이자 용의자의 눈

동자에 목에 로프가 감긴 아르바이트생의 모습이 보였다. 이미 비명소리도 낼 수 없을 정도로 로

프가 목을 졸라왔다. 비록 한진규는 아르바이트생의 시각을 빌렸으나, 용의자의 기억 속의 아르바

이트생의 모습이었기에 상황 당시 용의자의 기억대로 그도 아르바이트생이 느끼듯 같은 고통을

느낄 수 밖에 없었다.

“아.. 어……”

하지만 그는 살인이 이루어지는 곳을 파악해야 했기에 최대한 눈동자를 움직여 용의자의 주변을

바삐 살피었다. 숨통을 조여와 산소가 부족해져 가는 것을 느끼는 중 용의자의 얼굴, 어깨 너머로

책장이 보였다. 한진규는 그저 용의자의 뇌가 인지했던 아르바이트생의 눈을 빌리고 있는 셈이었

지만 그와 동시에 용의자의 뇌가 살인에 대한 육체적인 가학마저 생생하게 기억하고 있기 때문에

한진규는 피해자 아르바이트생과 같은 수준의 고통을 느낄 수 밖에 없었다. 식은땀이 흘렀지만

한진규는 누워있는 자신의 손을 움직여 ‘편의점,’ ‘책장’이라는 글씨를 쓰는 것을 뇌로 계속 되뇌며

용의자의 첫 살인, 편의점 아르바이트생 살인의 기억에서 빠져나가고자 계속적인 암시를 걸었다.

“반장님! 이 의사 얼굴이 엄청 창백한데 괜찮은 겁니까?

“잠깐 기다려봐! 손가락을 움직인다!!”

침대에 누워있는 한진규는 손가락을 천천히 움직여 책장이라고 스케치북에 적었다.

“편의점, 책장?”

“뭐가 책장이라는 거죠?”

“아까 이 양반 얼굴이 새하얗게 변하면서 숨을 못 쉬는 것 같았지?”

“네 무슨 죽은 사람같았……”

갑자기 김인식 형사는 긴장된 표정으로 김형식 수사반장의 얼굴을 쳐다 보았고 김형식 수사반장

은 그를 보고 고개를 끄덕였다.

“아마도 첫 번째 피해자를 봤나 보군. 하지만 책장만으로는 아직 부족해.”

“뭔가 첫 번째 피해자를 살인하는데 책장이 있는 곳에서 죽였나 보군요. “

김형식 수사반장은 양손을 허리춤에 올리고는 고개를 떨구고 부지런히 방을 이리저리 돌아다니며

여러 가지 가능성을 곰곰이 생각하기 시작했다. 용의자의 방에도 책장은 존재했고, 용의자가 근무

했던 건설회사의 사무실에도 책장은 있었지만, 단순히 책장만으로는 어느 것도 알아 낼 수가 없

었다.

한진규가 두 번째로 마주한 환경에서는 지독한 쓰레기 냄새가 났다. 한차례 비가 내리고 젖은 땅

위에 음식물 쓰레기들이 풍기는 썩은 냄새였다. 늦은 밤의 대학가는 여전히 사람들로 붐볐지만

대낮처럼 활기찬 분위기라기보다는 취객들로 인해 이리저리 정신이 없는 분위기에 가까웠다. 한

진규는 용의자가 기대어 누군가를 기다리는 것을 보고 있었다. 그는 지나가는 행인들 각각으로

시점을 옮겨가며 용의자가 무언가를 행동으로 옮기기를 기다리고 있었다. 한진규는 용의자의 기

억을 건너뛰기 시작했다.

“야옹”

갑자기 시야가 하얗게 변하더니 한진규의 시야에 용의자가 서서히 보이기 시작했다. 하지만 시야

가 낮은 것을 보니 무언가 동물인 듯 했는데 다시 한번 지독한 음식물 쓰레기 냄새가 나자 그가

도둑고양이의 시야를 빌리고 있다는 것을 감지했다. 용의자는 뭔가 들어있는 거대한 검은 봉지를

목장갑 끼고 안아 들어서 옮기고 있었다. 도둑고양이가 곧 다시 음식물 쓰레기에 머리를 집어넣

는 바람에 용의자의 움직임을 정확히 보지는 못했으나 주변환경을 둘러보니 한 빌라단지의 좁은

골목으로 검은 차가 세워져 있고 트렁크가 열려있었다.

“바스락 바스락”

도둑고양이는 용의자의 맞은편 전봇대에 버려진 음식물 쓰레기를 뒤적거리고 있었다. 용의자가

차를 주차해놓은 곳의 전봇대에는 ‘개조심’이라는 종이와 ‘안전제일’ 로고가 붙어있었다. 이미 날

은 밝아있었지만 인적이 없는 것으로 보아 매우 이른 새벽인 것 같았다. 고양이가 다시 고개를

들자 용의자의 모습이 눈에 보였다. 용의자는 트렁크를 닫고 시동을 걸어 어디론가 향했다. 한진

규는 용의자를 쫓기 위해 그의 기억을 건너뛰어갔다. 그와 동시에 손을 움직여 무언가를 그려나

갔다.

“반장님! 저기 손을 움직이는데요?!”

“얼른 스케치북을 넘겨! 뭔가 또 알아냈나 보군”

김인식 형사는 급히 한진규의 손에 있는 스케치북의 페이지를 넘겼다. 한진규는 손을 바삐 움직

여 무언가 그림을 그렸다. 줄이 달려있는 기둥, 트렁크가 열려있는 자동차, 그리고 그 옆에 ‘개조

심’ 그리고 ‘안전제일’이라고 적었다. 그리고 그는 고개를 떨구더니 다시 동작을 멈추었다.

한진규는 다시 마주한 어둠 속에서 부스럭거리는 소리를 들었다. 그리고 갑자기 빛이 비추더니

그의 눈앞에 다시 한번 용의자의 모습이 보였다. 갑자기 용의자와 얼굴이 가까워지더니 어디론가

시야가 옮겨지고 있었다. 한진규는 옅은 숨이 붙어있는 피해자의 시각을 빌리고 있었다. 피해자가

보고 있는 것은 그저 하늘이었다. 이내 곧 나무 잎사귀들이 보이더니 숲으로 들어간 듯 했다. 하

지만 저 멀리서 공사하는 듯한 소리가 났다. 물에 젖은 흙 냄새가 나자 갑자기 시야가 용의자에

게서 멀어지더니 쿵 소리가 났다. 그리고는 용의자의 손이 눈앞에 가까이 다가오더니 시야가 닫

혔다. 입으로 흙더미들이 들어오는 것들이 느껴졌다.

“컥!”

그는 순간 참지 못하고 기침을 했다. 그러자 흙을 덮던 용의자는 순간 흙을 덮는 것을 멈추더니

갑자기 손을 뻗어 목을 조르기 시작했다. 한진규는 순간 두 번째 피해자의 목에는 로프로 목이

졸린 흔적은 있어도 손으로 목이 졸린 흔적은 없다는 것이 생각이 났다. 지금 그럼 용의자가 목

을 조르는 것은 피해자가 아니라 자신이었던 것이다. 용의자의 눈동자를 보아하니 모습은 더 이

상 두 번째 피해자가 아니었다. 그 눈에 비친 것은 자신, 한진규였다. 한진규는 점점 목이 조여오

자 이미 용의자의 뇌가 기억의 부조화를 인지한 이상 죽임 당하기 전에, 역으로 추적당하기 전에

이 상황에서 빠져나가야겠다는 생각을 했다. 그는 흙 속에 파묻힌 손을 뻗어 자신의 목을 조르고

있는 용의자의 양 팔을 붙잡고는 이미 반쯤 흙 속에 묻힌 다리를 움직여 용의자의 복부를 가격했

다.

“퍽!”

“이 년이..!!”

복부 가격으로 용의자의 손에 힘이 풀리자 한진규는 온 힘을 다해서 도망쳤다. 숲 속으로 도망치

며 그는 얼른 용의자의 다른 기억으로 건너뛰기 위해서 스스로 진정해야 된다고 계속 되뇄다. 아

마도 지금 용의자에게 잡히면 그대로 그의 뇌는 용의자의 뇌의 지배를 받게 될 것이다. 그 말인

즉 슨, 그는 죽을 지도 모른다. 진정하고 정신을 집중하자고 되뇌고 또 되뇌면서 그는 끝이 보이

지 않는 숲을 뛰어갔다. 용의자의 기억에는 존재하지 않는 부분이기에 계속 반복되는 숲 속에서

그는 길을 잃었지만 용의자가 계속 쫓아오는 발소리가 들렸기 때문에 멈출 수가 없었다. 그렇게

한참을 뛰어가던 도중 갑자기 그는 절벽에서 떨어지는 듯한 소름이 돋는 기분이 들더니 눈이 떠

진 곳은 첫 장면에서 봤던 방이었다.

“반장님 이 의사 지금 경련.. 하는데요?! 막 저 단말기 불이 깜빡 거리고 있어요!!”

“무슨 일이 일어나는 건지 알 수가 있어야지.. 의사 양반 뭐라도 좀 써보란 말이야!”

순간 경련하는 한진규를 보고 김형식 수사반장과 김인식 형사는 경련하는 한진규의 몸을 붙잡고

떨리는 그의 손으로 무언가 그가 써 내려가기를 기다리고만 있었다.

“콜록 콜록”

그 순간 갑자기 용의자가 헛기침을 했다. 두 형사는 순간 등에 식은땀이 흘렀다. 분명 무언가 일

어나고 있는 듯 했지만 분명한 것은 자신들이 손을 쓸 수 없는 상황이었다. 더군다나 지금 순간

에서 용의자에게 무슨 일이 일어나거나 혹시나 한진규가 수사 중에 죽거나 경찰이 모든 책임을

져야 하기에 수사에 도움이 되는 정보를 알아내도 문제가 생긴다면 좋을 것은 하나도 없었다. 그

렇게 몇 분 한진규는 경련하다 갑자기 조용해 졌다. 김인식 형사는 한진규가 경련을 하며 입에서

뱉어낸 거품을 닦아내고는 물을 먹였다. 그와 동시에 한진규는 손을 움직여 뭔가 적어 내려가기

시작했다.

“흙, 숲, 생매장, 그리고.. 그림은……아 두 사람이 뛰어가고 있네요. 그리고.. 또 뭐라고 적는 걸까

요?”

“책장이야.”

“네?”

“다시 그 책장이 나왔군.”

“그럼 그 장소가 살인이 벌어진 곳인 것 같군요.”

김형식 수사반장은 한 손을 턱에 가져가 대고는 용의자를 날카로운 눈빛으로 바라보며 말했다.

“그런데 대체 왜 두 사람이 뛰어가는 거지..? 분명 그 편의점 살인사건 이후에 죽은 피해자는 20

대 여성 은행원이었고.. 사체가 발견된 것은 숲이 맞지만…….이 뛰어가는 것은 그럼 그 다음 피해

자가 용의자에게 쫓기는 건가?”

한진규는 입에 재갈이 물려져 있고 손이 묶여져 있어 제대로 움직일 수 없었다. 하지만 눈으로

주변을 둘러보니 수많은 책들이 꽂혀 있었다. 책의 종류를 가까이 보니 고등학교 교과서와 문제

집, 각종 명작 소설들이 꽂혀 있었다. 반쯤 열린 문틈 사이로 용의자의 뒷모습이 보였다. 문 밖을

보니 이 곳은 가정집 같다는 생각이 들었다. 그는 용의자가 눈치채지 못하도록 조용히 고개를 이

리저리 돌려 방을 더 둘러보았다. 닫힌 옷장 문고리에 걸려있는 학생용 코트와 책장 속 책들을

보아하니 이 방은 한 고등학생의 방이 틀림없었다. 그리고 책상 위의 연필 꽂이에 수북이 꽂혀져

있는 색색 가지의 펜을 보고 한진규는 여자 고등학생의 방이라고 생각했다. 그는 재빨리 정신을

집중해 스케치북에 ‘여 고등학생’이라고 적었다. 그리고 몸을 반대편으로 뒤집자 눈앞에 보인 것

은 첫 번째 장면에서 본 로프였다.

“약간 덜 맞았나보구만 꿈틀거릴 수 있는 걸 보니.”

용의자가 방으로 들어오더니 한진규의 몸을 발로 차기 시작했다. 한진규는 지금 자신이 누구의

시각으로 용의자를 보고 있는 것인지는 알 수 없었다. 그저 트레이닝 복을 입은 여성이라는 것

정도지 연령도 가늠이 불가능한 상태였다. 용의자는 머리채를 잡아당겨 방안에 서게 하더니 피해

자의 뒤에 서서 귀에 대고 말했다.

“니 년도 엄마를 닮아서 아주 끈질기구먼.. 그럼 나도 쉽게 죽여줄 수가 없지..”

그러더니 옆에 두었던 로프를 목에 감기 시작했다. 그리고 서서히 목을 조르기 시작했다. 한진규

는 피해자가 경찰이 의심했던 사건들의 피해자인지 확인할 필요가 있었다. 그는 목을 졸리면서

발버둥 치는 듯 하면서 책상 위에 놓여져 있는 거울 쪽으로 몸을 비틀어갔다. 다행히 용의자는

피해자가 발버둥 치는 것으로 생각하고 있는 듯 했다.

“…!”

거울 속에 비친 것은 경찰이 나열했던 그 어떤 피해자도 아니었다. 그저 앞머리의 고등학생 여자

아이의 모습이었다. 그 순간 한진규는 얼른 경찰에게 이 사실을 알려야겠다는 생각으로 발버둥치

는 와중 다시 한번 정신을 집중해서 스케치북에 글을 써 내려갔다.

“여 고등학생, 살인?”

김인식 수사반장이 한진규가 새로이 스케치북에 쓴 것을 읽자 김형식 수사반장은 용의자를 바라

보고 있던 것을 멈추고 한진규쪽으로 몸을 급히 돌려 스케치북의 글을 확인했다.

“우리가 발견한 것 말고도 또 다른 살인이 있는 거야. 게다가 고등학생이라니. 대체 언제 인 거

지? 그리고 어디인 거지?”

“혹시 그 책장이란 게 여자 고등학생과 관련 있지는 않을까요?”

“가능성이 다분할 것 같다. 대체 이 의사는 용의자의 뭘 보고 있는 거지.. 젠장!”

한진규가 거울을 바라보자 용의자는 머리채를 다시 잡아당겨 고개를 억지로 젖혔다. 그리고 다시

귀에 대고 말을 이어갔다.

“니년들 때문에 등골 휘어지게 일했더니 배신하고 말이야..”

그 순간 용의자의 손에서 느껴지는 압박에서 한진규는 피해자의 죽음의 순간이 임박했다는 것을

인지하고는 재빨리 다시 한번 정신을 집중해서 다른 기억으로 이동하려고 했다. 목을 조이면서

온몸으로 발버둥치며 한진규는 세 번째 죽을 고비를 넘기고 있었다.

“뻑!”

그러던 순간 목이 부러지는 소리가 들리며 한진규는 갑자기 나락으로 떨어지기 시작했다. 그 순

간 너무 정신이 혼미했지만 한진규는 여기서 죽으면 안 된다고 다시 머리로 되뇌고 또 되뇄다.

“퉁!”

그리고서 어딘가에 부딪히는 소리가 들렸다. 눈을 서서히 뜨자 다시 그 방이었다. 이번에는 용의

자가 바닥에 누워있는 장면이었다. 용의자는 기절해 있는 듯 했다. 한진규는 조금씩 몸을 돌려 방

안을 다시 둘러보았다. 바로 직전에 있던 그 방과 다른 점은 더 이상 코트가 밖에 걸려있지 않다

는 점이었다. 그는 용의자가 깨지 않도록 조용히 창문가로 가서 커튼을 열어보았다. 창문 밖으로

는 자신이 고양이의 눈으로 보았던 그 ‘안전제일’ 딱지가 붙어있는 전봇대가 보였다. 그는 이 방

이 수많은 살인이 일어난 곳이라는 것을 직감했다. 그는 조용히 발걸음을 떼서 로프를 찾기 시작

했다. 기절해 있는 용의자를 비켜 열려있는 문을 통해 방밖으로 나가니 일반 가정집과 다름 없는

곳이었다. 부엌과 거실이 있는 투 룸 빌라로 몹시 낡은 듯 했다. 한진규는 용의자가 로프를 두었

을 만한 곳을 뒤지기 시작했다. 신발장과 세탁기를 확인해보았지만 로프는 없었다. 한진규는 조용

히 발걸음을 떼서 화장실로 향하고 있었다.

“여기 있었구만, 미정이 과외 선생님.”

순간 등골이 싸늘해지며 식은땀이 흘렀다. 그리고 이미 등을 돌려 용의자를 마주 했을 때에 용의

자의 손에 로프는 들려 있었다. 그리고 다른 손에 그는 야구배트를 들고 있었다. 그는 머리에서

피를 흘리며 섬뜩한 미소로 피해자를 쳐다보고 있었다. 용의자의 눈에 비친 것은 이번에 발견된

여대생의 모습이었다. 아마도 아까의 추격전으로 용의자의 뇌가 자극을 받아 기억을 다시 되찾은

듯 했다.

“아버님.. 저 미정이가 어디 있나 해서요..”

떨린 목소리로 여대생은 말을 이어갔다.

“미정이 걱정은 안 하셔도 됩니다.”

“휙!”

용의자는 섬뜩한 미소를 지으며 야구배트를 휘둘러 여대생의 머리를 가격하려 했으나 여대생은

머리를 보호하기 위해 손으로 야구배트를 가까스로 받아냈다. 하지만 야구배트에 닿은 머리부분

에서 피가 흘러내리기 시작했다. 그리고 시야가 흐려지면서 바닥에 주저앉았다. 용의자는 여대생

의 양손을 묶고 재갈을 물렸다. 그리고는 로프로 목을 조르기 시작했다. 하지만 용의자는 아까 기

절했을 때 흘린 피 때문에 정신이 혼미한지 이전에 살해당한 피해자들보다는 약한 힘으로 여대생

의 목을 조르고 있었다. 목에 로프를 감은 채로 그는 힘이 풀린 여대생을 검은 비닐봉지에 담기

시작했다. 그 순간 한진규는 얼른 손을 움직여 형사들에게 이 상황을 알려야겠다고 생각했다.

“부스럭 부스럭”

봉지 안에 담긴 여대생이 손을 움직여 부스럭대자 용의자는 순간 이상한 낌새를 눈치채고는 묶었

던 비닐봉지를 풀었다.

“핸드폰을 하려나 본데 핸드폰은 이미 없어……하지만 소리를 낼라고 움직이는 거면 닥치고 있으

란 의미로 본보기를 보여주지.”

그러자 용의자는 여대생의 손가락을 뒤로 꺾더니 이윽고 왼손 검지하나를 부러뜨렸다.

“아아아아아악!!”

“뭐야?!”

멀쩡하게 스케치북에 글을 적던 한진규가 갑자기 비명을 지르자 김형식 수사반장과 김인식 형사

는 깜짝 놀라 한진규의 동태를 살폈다. 그는 왼손을 떨더니 인상을 찌 뿌리며 오른손으로 마저

글을 적어 내려갔다.

“여대생, 로프, 방망이, 어머니인가.”

“방망이가 흉기로 쓰인 적은 없죠? 폭행의 흔적은 있었지만. 어머니.. 는 대체 뭘까요?”

“왠지 이번에 일어난 살인사건의 장면을 보고 있는 거 같군.”

한진규가 다시 정신이 드니 눈앞은 캄캄했지만 차 바퀴소리를 통해 자신이 용의자의 차 트렁크에

있다는 것을 감지했다. 아까의 손가락을 움직이는 실수는 뇌가 집중력을 잃어간다는 증거였다. 자

신의 신체에 명령을 내려야 할 것을 뇌 속에서 용의자의 기억을 더듬는 와중에 자신이 몸을 빌리

고 있는 피해자의 손가락을 움직여 버린 것이다. 혹시 용의자가 알아챘을지도 모르겠단 생각에

검은 비닐 봉지 안에서 그는 마지막 피해자의 부검결과를 떠올렸다. 마지막 피해자의 머리에는

둔기에 맞은 흔적도 없었고, 손가락이 부러진 흔적도 없었다. 단지 로프에 목이 졸린 흔적과 전신

에 폭행의 흔적만 남아있었다. 결국 지금은 뭔가 용의자의 기억이 새로이 조작이 되어가는 상황,

즉 우려했던 상황이 벌어지고 있는 것이었다. 다행이 아직 용의자가 제대로 알아채지 못한 것 같

았지만 흉기, 로프의 행방을 알기 전까지는 한진규는 멈출 수가 없었다.

갑자기 트렁크 문이 열리자 바닷바람 향기가 확 느껴졌다. 용의자는 검은 봉지를 열더니 여대생

의 뺨을 다시 때렸다. 정신이 들은 여대생은 눈을 떠 밖이 어두컴컴한 것을 보니 밤인 듯 했다.

여대생을 꺼내서 차밖에 일으켜 세우고는 차 트렁크 문을 닫았다. 그리고는 한 손으로는 목에 감

겨있는 로프를 바짝 당기고 다른 손으론 여대생의 머리채를 잡아당기고는 여대생을 앞장 세워 앞

으로 걸어갔다. 여대생의 고개는 너무 젖혀서 앞이 보이지 않는 상태였다.

“네 년도 지 어미랑 똑같아서 끈질기게 죽지도 않는군. 때려도 말도 안 듣고 굶겨도 말도 안 듣고.

그냥 죽어야지 그러면.”

“으아으으으으으..”

한진규는 소리 내어 저항을 했다. 그는 젖혀진 머리를 돌려 용의자의 눈을 마주쳐서 계속 소리

내어 말을 걸었다.

“으아아아으아……”

“뭐 할말이라도 있다는 거냐? 여기선 비명 질러도 아무도 못 들어. 왜냐면 바닷소리가 더 크거든.”

섬뜩하게 웃는 그의 눈을 다시 쳐다보면서 꼭 할말이 있다는 표정으로 그를 바라보았다. 용의자

는 재갈을 풀어주면서 말했다.”

“뭐라고 지껄여도 살려주진 않을 거지만 말이야..”

“미.. 미정이가 어디 있는지 알아요…?”

“아 그래 미정이 말이지.. 미정이는 말이야. 죽었거든. 그년이 자꾸 가출하길래 집안구석이 시끄러

워서 말이야..”

한걸음 한걸음 용의자는 한진규를 절벽으로 이끌어갔다. 한진규는 물러설 수 없었기에 용의자에

게 말을 계속 했다.

“어머니께서 슬퍼하시겠어요.. 미정이네 어머님도 아저씨네 어머니도..”

“!!!!”

‘어머니’라는 말이 나오자 용의자는 로프를 잡고 있던 손을 갑자기 확 당겼다. 한진규는 연거푸

기침을 해댔다. 용의자는 머리채를 더 강하게 잡아당겨 거친 숨을 몰아 쉬며 한진규의 귀에 대고

말을 했다.

“미안하지만 내 어머니는 죽어서 없거든.”

“당신이 죽였겠……지요….!!!!!”

갑자기 단말기 양쪽의 램프가 미친 듯이 깜빡이며 용의자가 거친 숨을 몰아 쉬며 경련을 시작했

다. 한진규도 곧이어 다시금 몸을 과격하게 들썩이자 김형식 수사반장은 단말기를 꺼서라도 강제

로 이 수사를 끝내야겠다고 판단했다. 김형식 수사반장은 용의자의 팔과 침대에 수갑을 채우고는

김인식 형사에게 사인을 주었다.

“아아아아아아악!!!”

용의자와 한진규가 동시에 전기충격을 받은 것 마냥 몸을 튕기더니 비명을 지르며 눈을 떴다.

“용의자 이재호, 연쇄살인 혐의로 체포한다.”

용의자의 로프가 발견된 곳은 바닷가에서 얼마 멀지 않은 용의자 어머니의 묘지였다. 묘지에서

파내고 다시 흙을 덮은 듯한 부분을 파 내보니 그 안에서 10대 여성 한구의 해골이 엉켜있는 데

위에 로프가 놓여져 있었다. 그 10대 여성은 동거인 중년여성의 가출했다고 했다고 했던 딸로 밝

혀졌다. 용의자의 어머니가 용의자에게 살해되었다는 증거는 찾을 수 없었지만, 용의자가 살인행

각을 벌인 10대 여고생의 방에서는 피해자들의 혈흔과 체액 등이 발견되었다. 그리고 그 피해자

들은 용의자와는 직접적인 관계는 없지만, 피해자의 어머니들은 용의자가 일하던 건설업체의 의

뢰인들로 모두 단란한 가정생활을 꾸미는 평범한 사람들로 개인단독주택을 그 업체를 통해 지은

것으로 밝혀졌다.

“다행이군요 모든 게 다 밝혀져서.”

“의사 선생의 마지막 단어, 어머니라는 부분은 대체 어떻게 알아낸 거요?”

“용의자는 계속 그 이야기를 하더군요. ‘네 어미랑 닮아서’ 라고 말입니다. 아마도 그는 가정폭력에

의한 학대로 저렇게 된 게 아닐까 싶습니다. 아마 그 부분도 시간만 더 있었으면 직접 뇌에서 확

인해 볼 수 있었겠지요. 피해자들의 어머니들과는 일종의 마찰이 있지 않았을까 싶기도 합니다.

그리고 여고생은 이미 어머니와 사이가 좋지 않았을 것이라 짐작됩니다. 비록 그 학생의 어머니

에 대한 언급은 했습니다만……아마도 그 여고생에게는 일종의 동족혐오를 느꼈을 수도 있지요.

범인이 증오했던 것은 그런 불화라기보다는 아마도 부모와 자식의 관계 그 자체가 아니었나 싶기

도 합니다.”

모든 증거자료가 다 모이고 다시 만난 수사실에서 한진규는 녹취록을 마치고 김형식 수사반장에

게 인사를 건넸다. 김형식 수사반장이 악수를 청했지만 한진규는 고개 숙여 인사하고는 일어나서

가져왔던 쇠철 슈트케이스를 끌고 경찰서 밖으로 걸어나갔다.

1    

SHADOW By

Witriani Soegijardjo

Blinding white light. White empty space. No walls. No windows. Black vapor appearing suddenly from out of nowhere, morphing into a formless shadow. Then its shape changes to look like a person. More people-like shadows appear. These latter shadows stand significantly apart from the first one. Darkness She gets out of her car. In her mid-thirties, Jessica looks much younger than her age would suggest. Looking as energetic as usual, she sports a T-shirt and skinny jeans, which show off her lean body. Her long, straight blond hair is tied in a ponytail, sunglasses on her hair. A sling handbag hangs on her right shoulder across her chest. She closes the door, pushes the car remote lock, and starts walking to the convenience store’s glass door. A 5-foot tall, pixie cut dark haired woman in dark jeans and coffee colored leather jacket comes out from behind the store’s corner. Bang! Bang! Bang! The dark haired woman’s expression looks as if she has just awoken from a horrible nightmare. “Help! Somebody please… Help!” she starts screaming in a broken, desperate voice. She kneels down next to Jessica’s sprawling body. For a split second, she touches Jessica’s right cheek affectionately then quickly pulls back her hand. Jessica is not moving. The only movement is the blood that streams continuously out of Jessica’s left chest where the three bullets had landed. Bang! A man runs out of the store. He gets out of the outer glass door and freezes. “What the..?” just like his body, his sentence stops unexpectedly. Two other men and a woman run towards him from inside the store. It’s a slow morning, not many people are in. The three of them exchange curious, confused, and shocked gazes as they try to find out what has been going on. They cannot clearly see Jessica’s sprawling body as it lies close to the glass door. On her left lies the dark haired woman’s curled body. Her body coils around itself in a fetal position. Her right arm extends in front of her chest. A gun lies a foot away from her hand. Blood starts seeping through a hole on her right temple. “Call 911! Call 911!” the man shouts. Samantha sits up abruptly on her bed. She looks around. The room is dark. A little streak of light comes out through the window from a street lamp. She breathes fast and heavily. Beads of sweat trickle down her head and neck, streaks of wet hair sticking to her forehead. Tears stream down her face. In confusion, she whispers, “Jess! What happened? Where am I?” Her eyes sweep all over the room. The red light numbers on the digital alarm clock show 4:36 AM. Samantha heaves. Her shoulders go up and down fast. She breathes heavily. She sobs. “Jess is dead? It can’t be!”

2    

 

She takes a couple of long deep breaths. A ringing sound starts. Bending over her bed, she turns over the blanket and pillows. She finds her cell phone lying down on her bed, picks it up with her right hand to her waist. Sam looks at the screen and taps on it. The ringing stops. She stands up and brings the phone to her ear. “Hi, Jess! Of course I remember our weekly Monday lunch! Table 7, Café Forty-Two, at 12:01. How could you think I’d forgotten that?” she chuckles. She stops talking for a second then waves her left hand and says, ”Don’t worry if you’re gonna be late. I plan to stay there until ten to three anyway. See you soon, take care!” Illumination Table 7 is in a dimly lit corner at the back of Café Forty-Two. An exotic looking waiter takes the “reserved” card from the table and steps aside to let Samantha take her seat. He takes a small menu book out of his apron pocket. After reciting today’s special menu to Samantha, he leaves her to ponder on the menu. He knows Samantha always tries to order something different though her drink is always the same: Iced Strawberry Frappé Float. The silliness of the drink’s name always makes her laugh. Samantha lifts up her head and smiles to the waiter, as he serves her Iced Strawberry Frappé Float before she even ordered it. He then asks if she is ready to order, and she orders a calamari platter, tuna salad sandwich, and white cheese chicken lasagna for both Jessica and herself. Unlike Samantha, Jessica really loves her Mediterranean tuna salad sandwich which she orders all the time. “I eat a lot,” Samantha chuckles as she tries to explain to the waiter whose face looks as if he is surprised by the amount of food Samantha ordered. “So, in my dream, I didn’t even go to your funeral. I passed out all the time, while everybody said your 5 year-old-ish boy was so strong and accepting. He even was the one who comforted your husband by saying, ‘Don’t worry dad, mommy’s in heaven now.’ I watched him saying it. Can you believe that I didn’t go to say goodbye to you for the last time?” Samantha laughs at the end of her sentence. “Who was your husband?” says Samantha in such a distinct-mockery inflection. She laughs again, then says, “Of course your husband was your Alex, silly! Well, like you, in my dream he looked older with his permanent 5 o’clock shadow on his face. Obviously, both of you already had a kindergarten age son! Your hair was also long, not even close to yours now. That’s probably how you’d look 10 years from now.” “Hey, please don’t go on asking about when you two got married or when he asked for your hand! My dream was about you being shot three times on the chest by a lunatic woman who then shot herself, Jess, and God! I hope it’s not the way you’re going to die – ever!” “Well, actually, I want to talk more about how I felt after I woke up. I was trembling and sweating, and crying! I have never cried both in my dreams and in real life after waking from a dream before. It was difficult for me even to decide whether I saw you in a dream or if it was real. Then you called, that’s when I fully got it, it was just a dream.” “Hey, Jess, am I getting paranoid or what? I feel like people are staring at us.” “They all look at you, YOU, among all people, because you are famous? Since when are you famous? Jess, you are so hilarious, as usual!” Samantha lets out another hearty laugh.

3    

 

Samantha’s right. People pass by table 7 and look at her from the corner of their eyes. A couple on table 8 exchange gazes. From another table across the room, some friends wave with half smiles and rather worried expression. Leaving her three friends, Cathy comes to table 7 and says hello to Samantha. Before she returns to her table, Cathy asks Samantha for the second time, “Are you sure you want to sit here, Sam? Don’t you want to come and join us there?” she gestures at her table. From there, Kaya, Amala, and Caitlynn had their eyes locked on Cathy and Samantha, as if they could not wait for Samantha to come with Cathy to their table. All of the girls have known each other for years. “No thanks, Cathy, we’re fine here. We’re having our lunches. Some other time?” Samantha replies. She manages to put a smile on her face although her voice sounds rather annoyed. Excusing herself, Cathy turns around and walks to her own table, shrugging her shoulders in answer to her friends’ questioning looks. “I can’t believe how rude she was! She barely even looked at you. Was there something going on between you? Did you two have a fight?” Samantha asks Jessica. “Well, if being ignored doesn’t bother you, I guess it doesn’t bother me either.” The waiter comes and removes all the plates and silverware. He also brings another one of Sam’s regulars: A cup of cappuccino with some chocolate covered ladyfingers. Samantha did not get anything for Jess as she had already left. Sam takes out her tiny 10-finger wide computer and turns it on. Noticing her reflection on the computer screen, she combs her brunette curls with her fingers. As she had lost one of her long earrings recently, she touches each of her ears to check if they are still there today. The sapphire birthstones on them bring out the color of her eyes. She looks down at the computer screen. The internet chatting program is on. After a while, she starts smiling at something. She then types something fast:

“It’s you and me forever and a day – that’s so sweet of you, Adrien, as always!!

Yes, I don’t care if they said we are living in fantasy that’ll just vanish.

You are there, I am here, thousands of miles apart. But you’re right. ‘Here’ we are till the end of time,

no matter what they say!” While Samantha was typing, playing lightly through the Café’s audio system was Barry Manilow’s “Forever and A Day1”. Enlightenment It is another Monday lunch at Table 7, Café Forty-Two. Today, though, it is different. Cathy, and her friends “ambush” table 7 and sit down with Samantha, who is waiting for Jessica, without her being able to deny their invasion. “Hi, Sam! Do you mind if we join you?” Cathy asks cheerfully, while the others each pull out a chair and sit. There is nothing Samantha can do. She shrugs, “Well, I’m having lunch with Jess again. And, last time you were a bit rude…”

                                                                                                                         1 Manilow, B., & Anderson, E. (2004). Forever and a day. On 2Nights Live! [CD]. BMG Heritage.

4    

 

“How are you? Is everything OK?” Amala cuts in, as if she did not hear what Samantha says. “We just want to help you. Please don’t get us wrong,” Caitlynn stresses. “You know Jessica’s not coming, right?” Kaya speaks up. “What do you mean? Of course Jess’s coming!” Samantha replies irritably. “OK, we’ll wait here with you,” Cathy assuages Sam, as she nods and lets out a meaningful smile to her friends. The girls begin chatting, haphazardly flitting between topics. When they have to ask the waiter to give them some more time for the second time, they start talking about Café Forty-Two’s menu, as if their real reason for being there was really to eat. Then the girls finally shoot Cathy with one last knowing glare. Cathy replies with an “OK, I’ll do it” expression. “What time did Jess say she was coming?” Cathy begins. “I don’t know what’s holding her up. She usually comes no later than 13 minutes after,” Samantha sounds concerned. “Maybe you can call her?” asks Amala tentatively. Cathy quickly gives Amala a warning stare as if to say, “Just let me handle this.” After taking a deep breath, Cathy carefully asks Samantha, “When was the last time you talked to her?” “Only this morning! She calls me almost every day. She usually wakes me up every morning.” Samantha’s tone sounds both surprised and rather offended. She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket. Cathy extends her hand and asks, “Let’s look at your phone record. Let’s see… Jessica’s number…” Cathy purposefully takes Sam’s phone and holds it in a way so that both of them can see the phone screen. She scrolls down the list. When she finds Jessica’s name, she says, “Here it is! Jessica Caligo. See this date?” Cathy points at the screen with her index finger. “This can’t be! This is weird. What are you trying to say?” demands Samantha. She looks up from the phone screen to find worried-sorry glances around her. Slowly, Cathy reaches for Samantha’s hand and says gently, “It’s time to let go, Sam. Jess died 5 months ago in that car accident. Remember?” “We had just arrived at your place to go meet Jess and the others when you got the call…” Amala tries breaking the awkward silence but fails to finish her sentence. Kaya adds, “We didn’t know it was the hospital calling you about Jess. We only saw you answered the call and then unexpectedly passed out and dropped your phone…” Epilogue It is a warm, beautiful sunny day. Samantha and her friends are having a picnic at the park. At times, Sam looks distracted. Her blue eyes seem empty. When the others start staring at her, she becomes conscious about it. In her mind, she shakes herself, pushing herself to get back to the present and forcefully puts a smile on her face. Her friends bring Sam back to reality. Kaya has always been their DJ at all gatherings. From her playlist, Barry Manilow’s “You’re There”2 starts filling the air. As the words sink into Samantha’s mind, the corners of her lips pull up. “Yes,” Sam says to herself, “If they say so, I can play along. I believe you’re still here for me, Jess. You still wake me up in the morning. And you, too, Adrien. I hear you. You’ve never                                                                                                                          2 Friedman, D., & Korey, A. (2004). You’re there [Recorded by Barry Manilow]. On 2Nights Live! [CD]. BMG Heritage.

5    

 

run out of smart things to say to me. We’ll be together, to eternity, though they keep on saying you’ve never even existed.” Samantha looks up at the sky and smiles as the last words of the song flow into her ears. Samantha stands at a distance away from her friends. The park suddenly becomes all white. No green trees. No more clear blue sky. All colors fade into plain whiteness. Samantha slowly transforms into a black shadow, so do her friends. People-like shadows. The shadows morph into more vapor-like substance. They vanish. White empty space. Blinding white light.