“You and me, right here, right now, let's get married.”

“What?”

“Cass, no.”

“I'm sorry, what? I don't think I heard you right, because for a minute there it sounded like you just said No.”

“I did, but--”

“How the hell is there a but? That is not a But statement!”

“I can explain.”

“Oh, well as long as there's an explanation. Wait, no, what's the other thing? Excuse, that's it. Not the same at all.”

“Can we just talk about this for a second? Please?”

“No! Because I've heard explanations and excuses and pleases after no more times than I can count, and it never works out for me, so you can keep all of it. You said you'd marry me, and now you're saying you won't, and that's all I need to hear. I'm done. I'm out.”

“Cass, wait!”

“Don't touch me, Gilbert!”

“Please, just give me two minutes to explain.”

“Get out of my way.”

“I'm sorry, okay? That came out wrong.”

“Yeah, 'cause there's so many ways for 'No' to be taken out of context.”

“I'm still waking up, and you sort of hit me with that out of nowhere, and I didn't mean it like that.”

“So what, this is my fault now? Been there, heard that. Not buying it anymore.”

“I know. Cassidy, I love you, and I do want to marry you, I promise. I just question the wisdom of doing it now, like this. Don't do it because your father freaked you out. Being married to me won't change that. A wedding ring is not a magic amulet that will make it all better.”

“I'm not stupid. I know that.”

“And don't we both have friends and family who maybe deserve the chance to see us get married? It won't take long to put together a party and invite the people in our lives to share in our day.”

“So, wait, you refused to marry me because you wanna throw a party?”

“Partly, yes. And the other thing too. Why did it suddenly become so important to you?”

“...I don't wanna be a Vetinari anymore. I know, I know, it's just a name, it's not me, except it is me, it's like an anchor around my neck, and I want it to go away. I feel like I can't move forward with that holding me back.”

“Do you know that's the first time you've admitted to me that you're a Vetinari?”

“You knew I was, Gil. It's not like it's a big damn secret.”

“Isn't it? The day we met, you told me you were 'Just Cassidy.' Of course I knew you were a Vetinari. But you telling me is different.”

“I guess so.”

“You were going to walk out on me, Cassidy.”

“Yeah, uh... Sorry.”

“Don't be. I'm kind of proud of you for it. You weren't going to stay with someone you didn't think loved you. When we met, you wouldn't have walked away.”

“But you do love me.”

“Absolutely.”

“So can we call up our friends and throw a party and get married?”

“Sure. I think I even know a place. But there's someone I have to talk to first.”

“Immediately?”

“It can wait. More important things to do first.”

“Like kiss me?”

“For a start.”

“Can I come in, Mother?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I'm getting married to Cassidy. I would like to be able to invite you, but I won't if you're going to be horrible about it. It's your choice. Come and play nice, or don't come.”

“I behaved rather badly, didn't I?”

“That's putting it mildly.”

“Would it help if I said I was sorry?”

“Are you actually sorry?”

“Of course I am!”

“Then yes.”

“Then I'm sorry for the way I acted and the things I said. You have every right to live your own life, even if it's not the one I would have chosen for you.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. So does that mean that if I invite you to my wedding, you won't make a scene?”

“I promise. Best behavior only.”

“Well then, would you like to come to my wedding?”

“I'd love to.”

“Good. I wish Dad could be there too.”

“So do I. He would be so happy that you're happy, and he'd want me to accept whoever makes you happy.”

“Cassidy makes me happy.”

“So you booked the place you were thinking of?”

“Yup. It's a little chapel right on the edge of town. Very quaint and all those sorts of adjectives.”

“Getting cold feet?”

“Only when I forget my socks.”

“So, you know, stupid thing to worry about, but what are we gonna wear? Matching tuxes seems a little... twee... and I just do not have the hips to carry off a sparkly ballgown. I mean, should one of us wear black and the other one wear white? Or is that just too predictable? Or stuffy? Or whatever. It's not like either of us is a bride or a virgin for the whole 'white' thing anyway.”

“These are the thoughts that keep you up at night, aren't they?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“You are a complicated man, Cassidy.”

“But you love me anyway, right?”

“With all my heart.”

“Definitely quaint and adjective-y.”

“I thought you'd like it.”

“I'd say I couldn't imagine a better place to get married, but I was totally willing to do it in the bedroom in our jim-jams, so clearly my judgment cannot be trusted.”

“Oh, I think this is objectively better than the bedroom.”

“Yeah, I think you're probably right.”

“You realize, of course, that when my relatives show up, it's gonna devolve into pillow fights and pouring soap into the fountain, right?”

“Not if my friends get there first.”

“We fight dirty. My sister's a hair-puller.”

“There's still time to change your mind, Cass.”

“Nope. Not gonna change my mind. Are you changing yours? Because that's a thing better brought up way before now.”

“This is absolutely the right thing to do.”

“Probably good that we're agreed, because people are starting to show up.”

“Hey, they may be prank-loving, poke-happy, inappropriate heart-farting huggers, but they're family.”

“And friends. Speaking of, there's someone I think I need to talk to.”

“Sure. Go forth and mingle! Meet you under the arch in a few.”

“Hey, Malcolm. Can I, uh, just apologize for, like, everything ever? Some stuff wasn't my fault, but I feel bad about it, and some stuff really was on me, and I feel extra-bad about that stuff too.”

“You don't need to apologize for the things your father did.”

“But I need to apologize for the things I did. And I'm sorry I was a sad streak of misery sitting on your barstool damn near every day, tossing 'em back until I was numb enough to go home.”

“I tried to talk Gil out of this. Did he tell you that?”

“No. But I'm not surprised, and I can't blame you.”

“He's dated a lot of people, but you're the first one he was ever serious about. That counts for something.”

“Enough that you're here today.”

“He's been my best friend since we were in diapers. Not coming was never in the cards. He's happy, and I have to trust his judgment.”

“I'm sober now. Have been since that day at Club Dante.”

“I'm glad.”

“So are we cool?”

“We're cool, Cassidy.”

“I told Nolan that if he stalked you today, I would absolutely be grumpy at him later, so he should behave himself.”

“I appreciate that, Didi. I should go say hello to my mother. Have you met Cass?”

“No, I haven't had the pleasure. Delight Vetinari. My friends call me Didi.”

“I'm Cass, Gil's fiance.”

“It's good to meet you. I was really surprised when Gil told me he was getting married.”

“...Are you sure we've never met before? You seem really familiar.”

“Positive. I mean, there aren't many aliens in Riverblossom Hills, and you're the first one I've met, just now.”

“That's so weird. I could swear I know you from somewhere. You have such a familiar face.”

“It's just a face.”

“No, that's not it. You look like...”

You look like...

...my mom.

“Soooo, wildly inappropriate and personal question: Were you adopted?”

“Yes? Why does it matter that Banyan and Drake Vetinari aren't my biological parents?”

“It doesn't. Best thing for you, probably.”

“Hmph. You weren't kidding about the inappropriate thing.”

“Sorry, this is... This is shaping up to be a very strange day. I think you maybe ought to meet my sister.”

“Is she less odd?”

“Hang on, there she is—Delirium!”

“What's up, Cass?”

“This is Gil's friend Delight. Who thinks I'm strange.”

“Because you're strange! Why do I need to meet your sister?”

“Well, here's the thing...”

“...I'm pretty sure you're both my sister.”

“What? Cass, was...? Spider was right?”

“She was adopted by Banyan, Del. And look at her—she looks like Mom.”

“Except for the nose. She's got Dad's nose.”

“Yeah, way to talk about me like I'm not even here! Is there any actual proof of anything you're saying?”

“My... Our... other brother said that Mom had had twins and gave one of her daughters up. You look so much like her, and if you were adopted... Well, that's all the proof we're likely to get.”

“And if I run this story by my parents?”

“I'm sure Banyan suspected. She went to college with Mom and Dad. I'm sure your resemblance to Mom wasn't lost on her, but it's sort of... safer... if you were in the dark.”

“Look, I know how crazy this all sounds. It's like something out of a soap opera. But you can go and talk to Banyan, and maybe when Gil and I get back from our honeymoon, we can all get together for dinner or something.”

“You really think I'm your sister?”

“Yeah, I do. I'd bet everything on it. But I'll have to do that later. I need to go get married now.”

“So you were making friends with Didi, I see.”

“Yeah, as it turns out, she's my long-lost sister.”

“You have one of those?”

“Um, news flash, my family is deeply messed up.”

“Well then, today you get a husband and a mother-in-law, plus a sister and a brother-in-law and two nephews.”

“That seems like a lot to pack into a day.”

“We'll manage. Ready to begin?”

“Remember me, 'let's-get-married-in-our-jammies' guy? Pretty sure I—“

“Uh...”

“Everything all right, Cass?”

“Yeah, I... I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye.”

“I don't see anything out of the ordinary.”

“I guess it was just a trick of the light.”

“As long as it wasn't someone coming to try and stop the wedding.”

“There's always pajamas as Plan B.”

“Let's stick with Plan A instead.”

“Cassidy, you are without a doubt the most remarkable man I've ever met. You've gone through a crucible, and you haven't lost your ability to believe that people can be good, or your inherent kindness, and you're still willing to trust people—to love them—even though you've been hurt. And I'm glad for that, because my life would be poorer without you in it.”

“Gil, I don't even know if I can put into words what you mean to me.”

“It's okay. Just try.”

“But, I mean, there's just so much to say. ...Ah, forget it.”

“Pretty sure that wasn't the ceremony-approved time for kissing.”

“I'm a rebel. Anyway, actions speak louder than words, so we'll just pretend that was a touching speech about how great you are.”

“Fair enough.”

“Cassidy, I think the most important promise I can make is the one to never deliberately hurt you. I can't go back and undo all the things that have been done to you, but going forward, I promise to be your safe place to land.”

“Gilbert, I promise that I'll try to get better. And I promise to hold on to my belief in the goodness of people, and to be kind, and to trust, and to never, ever stop loving you.”

“Is it now the proper time for kissing, Mister Stickler-For-Protocol?”

“I think it is.”

“Good, because it's going to happen anyway.”

“So what's next, Gil?”

“Next we have cake... Mister Jacquet.”

“I like the way that sounds.”

“When you said 'cake,' I was thinking, like, 'cake,' but this is sort of 'CAKE,' if you get my meaning.”

“You know what I do for a living, right? Are you going to cut us some slices, or just bask in its cake glory?”

“Wait, you want a piece too? But you're the paradoxical Baker Who Eats No Sweets!”

“This seems like the perfect time to break that rule.”

“Quick, before you change your mind!”

“Sorry about the cake-shoving. I figured that might be the only bite you eat, and I wanted to make it count.”

“I know you've seen me eat. Shoving large amounts of food into my mouth at once is not entirely unheard-of.”

“That is also true. And if we finish our delicious chocolatey cake, we can get a couple of dances in before the shuttle comes to take us to the airport.”

“So far, so good, Cass?”

“Yeah. I'm glad you didn't give in and let us do this in our pajamas.”

“This is better?”

“Loads. You were right. Having our friends and families here was the right thing to do. Even if...”

“Even if what?”

“I wish Spider could have been here. If anyone deserves to see me be happy, it's him.”

“He'll understand.”

“I know. But I still miss him. Mostly, right now, I'm just really, really happy to be married to you.”

“I think I hear the shuttle honking for us.”

“What are we doing with all our guests?”

“Ehhh, the buffet's open and there's still cake. I'm sure they'll figure it out.”

“Where are we, Gil? This doesn't look like a hotel. Are we renting this place for the week?”

“Not exactly. This place is sort of... yours.”

“This place? This place is not mine. I would know if I had a whole house on a tropical island. This is not a thing I have knowledge of.”

“I wanted you to be okay In The Event Of An Emergency. I bought the house and put it in your name. Whatever happens now, you'll always have a place to go, and a way to get money if you need it.”

“I have a beach house?”

“You have a beach house.”

“Is it weird that I'd rather see the bedroom of my beach house than the actual beach?”

“You can do whatever you'd like.”

“Dangerous words.”

“I like to live on the edge.”

“Danger is your middle—hey, what's that?”

“Gilbert. Our backyard has a shipwreck. There is a wrecked ship right outside. This is the awesomest thing ever.”

“Well, if it's a shipwreck you're after, go get changed.”

“That's a shipwreck.”

“That is a shipwreck.”

“There are stairs to the shipwreck.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Does that mean we get to go play on the boat?”

“If you like.”

“Oh, I'm sure I'll like.”

“You know, maybe the ship crashed because they let just anyone drive it! Look, no hands!”

“Take that, you stupid mannequin with your stupid smug face! Try Primping when you don't have any stupid hands left to hold that stupid mirror!”

“Spider! Hey! I didn't know you could do this!”

“Arrr, the name's Dregg!”

“And now this has gone all confusing and weird.”

“You ready to head back, Cass? I'm not entirely sure this thing is safe.”

“I like hammocks. Hammocks are awesome. I could chill out in this thing all day.”

“You want some company in your hammock?”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

“I like hammocks. Hammocks are awesome. I could chill out in this thing all day.”

“You want some company in your hammock?”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

“Everything OK, Cass?”

“Just getting comfy. Go back to sleep.”

“ 'Kay.”

“Spider! Earlier, I thought you were a pirate! Or maybe the pirate was you. Something like that.”

“I'm definitely not a pirate.”

“So, I, uh... Got married to Gilbert.”

“I know.”

“I thought I saw you, just for a second.”

“I was as there as I could be. Just a shadow out of the corner of your eye.”

“Oh. I'm sorry I didn't wait until you could be there for real.”

“Don't be sorry for that. You do what you gotta do.”

“I also took Gilbert's last name. Are you mad?”

“I'd ditch it myself if I had the opportunity. Does it make you happy, not being a Vetinari anymore?”

“It really does. It's like I can breathe now.”

“Then don't regret it, and don't look back.”

“Yeah, I mean, it's not like that makes us not be brothers anymore. Look, when this is over and we bring you back, you'll have to come to Twikkii Island with us. I have a beach house there. It's a beach house, and it's mine, and there's a second bedroom that you can have, but if you painted it all black it would probably ruin the vibe, but you could if you wanted to, and there's a shipwreck just off our beach, and it's really great. You'll like it there.”

“That sounds great, Cass. Really.”

“You don't sound excited about it.”

“Listen, we both know that I'm... different. And maybe that means the rules for bringing me back are also different.”

“Why would they be? All we have to do is call the Reaper and tell him we want you back, and pay him, and then you come back.”

“I don't know if that's how it works for people like me, who stay here on the Dead Realm instead of going past, to whatever afterlife they're meant to go to.”

“So what are you saying, exactly?”

“I'm saying if something happens, don't blame yourself.”

“I know how not to turn you into a zombie or bring you back with a different personality. I'm not stupid.”

“I know you're not.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“If I can't be brought back—“

“That's ridiculous! Of course we'll be able to bring you back!”

“But if you can't—“

“Spider, why are you so convinced that you're going to stay dead?”

“I'm just... covering all the possibilities.”

“Well don't. You're my brother and you're coming back.”

“But if you can't, Cass. If you can't bring me back, promise me you won't blame yourself. Promise me you'll cry on Gilbert's shoulder for a while and then move on without me.”

“Spider—“

“Promise, Cassidy!”

“Fine, I promise!”

“Good. Now go wake up and enjoy your honeymoon.”

“Early morning swim, I see?”

“We have an ocean in our backyard. It seems a shame to waste it by not swimming in it.”

“You can dig for seashells too.”

“I did. I found crab shells. That still had crabs in them.”

“Ouch. How are your fingers?”

“Later, you can kiss 'em and make 'em better. Now, monkey idol.”

“You know, I think this is the first time I've been here that this thing hasn't been spewing lava.”

“Good. I want to make a wish and it seems like that would be better without the spewing lava.”

“Are you going to wish for a kiss? Because you don't need to toss a coin in the idol for that.”

“It's not for me.”

“Spider?”

“Yeah. Spider.”

“These hot springs are nice, even if we can't fool around in them.”

“What is it with you and fooling around?”

“We are on our honeymoon, Gil. Who put sand in your Speedos?”

“This guy. And not so much 'sand' as 'urine' and not so much 'Speedos' as 'hot springs.' You wanna head for a massage instead?”

“I want to know why this has been missing from my life.”

“No creepy incontinent old men in here. Wanna fool around?”

“Sure, why not?”

“As far as honeymoons go, this one's pretty top-notch. I have a beach house.”

“I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself.”

“I think I'm legitimately, honestly happy for the first time in a long time. Because of you.”

“You've made plenty of progress on your own, Cassidy. Don't minimize that.”

“So do you think we can come back with Spider when he gets resurrected? I think this place would be good for him.”

“It's your house; you can invite whoever you want.”

“Good. I think he'd like it here.”

Oh, Cass. I can't explain it to you. You won't understand, because you don't see how much more broken I am than you are. You still have hope, and I lost that a long time ago.

This thing that I'm doing...

It's justice.

It's balance.

And it's the only way this could ever have ended.

But that kind of power doesn't come cheap, or easy.

That kind of power is all the power.

When it's gone, I'm done.

As in, done done.

When I do this, there won't be enough of me left to bring back.

And that's just the way I want it.