Astrology Humour - Prayers and Zodiacal Signs.doc

8/14/2019 Astrology Humour - Prayers and Zodiacal Signs.doc

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Prayers and Zodiacal Signs

Astrology Humour

ARIES:"Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS:"Dear God, please help me accept CANGE in m lie, #$t NOT %ET&"

GEMINI:"%o God&&&'or is it Goddess()&&&Who are o$(&&&What are o$(&&&&&Where are%o$(&&&&&ow man o o$ A*E there( I can+t i$re o$ o$t!"

CANCER:"Dear Dadd, I -now I sho$ldn+t depend on o$ so m$ch, #$t o$+re the onl One Ican co$nt on while m sec$rit #lan-et is at the cleaners&"

LEO:"i, Pop! I+ll #et o$+re reall pro$d to have me as o$r -id!"

VIRGO:"Dear God, please ma-e the world a #etter place, and don+t screw it $p li-e o$ didthe last time&"

LIBRA:"Dear God, I -now I sho$ld ma-e decisions or msel& .$t, on the other hand, whatdo %O/ thin-("

SCORPIO:"Dear God, help me orive m enemies, even i the #astards don+t deserve it&"

SAGITTARIUS:"O A01IGT%, A00 2NOWING, A0030O4ING, A003POWE*5/0,O1NIP*E6ENT, E4E*0A6TING GOD, I5 I+4E A62ED %O/ ONCE, I+4E A62ED %O/ ATO/6AND TI1E6 333 E0P 1E 6TOP E7AGGE*ATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN:"Dear 5ather, I was oin to pra, #$t I $ess I o$ht to i$re thins o$t ormsel& Than-s anwa&"

AUARIUS:"i God! 6ome sa o$+re a man& 6ome sa o$+re a woman& I sa we+re A00God& 6o, wh pra( 0et+s have a part!"

PISCES:"eavenl 5ather, as I prepare to cons$me this last ith o 6cotch to drown o$t mpain and sorrow, ma m ine#riation #e or Th reater onor and Glor&"

Rig!" no#: Moon a" $%&%'( Li)ra* S+n a" $,&-.( Leo

Tra//ic Signs and As"rology

Astrology Humour

Aries


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Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius


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Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Astrology and Coffee

ARIES:Aries is the advent$resome sin& The+re o on a Wilderness tre-, a saari or hi-ino$tdoors& Alwas on the o, Aries li-es a $ll #odied coee li-e those rom Arica& A sinleoriin rom 2ena wo$ld #e worth discoverin to this sin&

TAURUS:These #$llheaded people ind a coee and stic- with it& Earth Ta$r$s en8os acoee that has #een rown witho$t her#icides, pesticides or artiicial ertili9er, s$ch as anoranic rom G$atemala&


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GEMINI: Whimsical Gemini is merc$rial in nat$re and li-es one coee this wee- and anotherne:t& Their air disposition inl$ences a desire or a lihter to medi$m #odied coee and ortrin the latest on the men$& One o the world+s new Pap$a New G$inea coees will intri$eat least or a ew das&

CANCER: 6ensitive moonchildren ma choose a deca #eca$se caeine co$ld ma-e them#o$nce o the wall&


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LEO: Trend 0eo is the irst to tr and learn everthin a#o$t pop$lar espresso #ased drin-s&0ions have espresso machines at home and are erocio$s a#o$t perectin their crema androthin techni;$es&

4I*GO< P$re, conservative 4iroans will stic- with Colom#ian, the tried and tr$e coee that istraditional and dependa#le&

LIBRA: Alwas strivin or #alance, 0i#rans choose 1ocha3=ava, the world+s oldest and mostamo$s #lend o l>? 1ocha and l>? =ava&


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SCORPIO:Dramatic 6corpions, -nown or their msterio$s nat$re, hide their dar- tho$hts#ehind a c$p o rich 5rench *oast& 0on periods o $n#ro-en concentration on stress$lpro8ects re;$ire a lare m$ illed with stronl #rewed 8ava&

SAGITTARIUS:%o$ will ind these advent$resome archers nestled amon the #r$sh o the6ereneti, peerin thro$h #inoc$lars and sippin a c$p o Tan9anian pea#err, whilewatchin the Wilde#eest mirate&

CAPRICORN:Class, $pscale, traditional Capricorns en8o e:perimentin with Estatecoees& These aristocratic 1o$ntain Goats re;$ire the inest ;$alit availa#le&


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AUARIUS: /nconventional, avant arde water#earers preer to e:periment and create theirown #lends& The pro#a#l never drin- the same coee the same wa more than once&Instead, the care$ll mi:, match, meas$re and taste $ntil perected&

PISCESWhen o$ see a Piscean drin-in a c$p o ater dinner coee, most li-el it is lacedwith a li;$e$r& Pisceans en8o tippin the c$p with spirits& The li-e to tr all the ancdessert coees on the men$&


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0+nny 1orosco2es

Aries

Aries have ramli-e ee#rows and sm$ e:pressions& The sho$ld not #e ;$ite so sm$#eca$se the are constantl cl$n-in themselves in the s-$ll& Cat 6tevens+ "ard eadedWoman" was pro#a#l an Aries& Aries rarel sa one thin and do another& The $s$all dothe wron thin and don+t disc$ss it& Never point this o$t to an Aries $nless o$ want o$r-idnes p$lled o$t thro$h o$r sin$ses& Aries ol-s love Pisceans #eca$se Pisces peoplema-e them eel well3ro$nded& Aries love to la$h at the $nn moon3people who s$c- theirth$m#s at ae @& Aries $se $ns to descri#e philosophical concepts& Whether o$ live in a

palatial estate or a card#oard tepee, o$ will insist $ntil death that it is e:actl what o$alwas wanted& 1ost Aries were concrete par-in #$mpers in at least two o their past lives&Aries are never #orn& The s-ip ail rom their mothers+ wom#s& This ma even involveroller#lades& The Aries ma-es lie decisions as a toddler& Aries marr several times or $nnies#$t never divorce& Their spo$ses have man rea- accidents res$ltin in death or cripplinin8$r& .ein inalli#le, God is pro#a#l an Aries& This wo$ld ma-e 6atan an A;$ari$s& Ariesalwas hold manaement positions& I one is assined to clean toilets, he will orm a one3man$nion& Then he will o and pic-et in the par-in lot& All o o$ thin- o$+re 0ech Walesa&People r$n awa when an Aries comes aro$nd& The -now that i the do not, the Aries willset them on ire& Aries hate listenin to 6corpios tal- #eca$se the ta-e pride in #ein evenmore sel3centered& In act, m$ch to the 6corpios+ disma, o$ are the #iest pric-s in the

9odiac& %o$r rams+ horns are in everone else+s asses&

Ta+r+s

%o$ are #roodin emotion incarnate& One min$te o$+re $p, the ne:t o$+re down, the ne:to$+ve shot o$r avorite newscaster in the -neecaps, "8$st +c$9&"& %o$+re ver earth, whichma mean that o$ don+t shower as oten as most people& Or it ma 8$st mean that o$ li-eto roll aro$nd with o$r nose in clover and sih& Ta$reans love happ movies where everoneis 8oll and havin $n, #$t the iht with waiters and et $pset with #ill#oards& The li-e topschoanal9e their riends #$t have no real e:perience with lie in eneral& Ta$reans

m$m#le while descri#in philosophical concepts& The Ta$r$s is a strane #ird #eca$se he orshe holds r$des a#o$t thins that never act$all happened& This ma stem rom theeelins o inade;$ac res$ltin rom #ein #eaten o$t or irst in line in the 9odiac # Aries&That is the Ta$rean sel3imae, alwas second #est& owever, the are $ndo$#tedl the #estat eelin li-e second #est& All Ta$reans want to #e God& /nort$natel, God is an Aries& %o$


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are enerall to$h to i$re o$t #eca$se o$ answer ever ;$estion with a ;$estion& Also,o$ won+t come o$t rom $nder the #ed& 1ost Ta$reans love conlict& I nothin is wron,then that in itsel is somethin wron& 6ome especiall li-e #ar ihts& I the can+t et into anact$al #ar iht, the will ma-e $p interestin stories a#o$t them which the can tell theirriends riht #eore the pschoanal9e them& I it weren+t or .a9oo-a =oe and The 5amilCirc$s, Ta$reans wo$ldn+t -now what to do& %o$ eel that o$ are oin nowhere in lie& %o$are pro#a#l riht& 1ilwa$-ee is $ll o Ta$reans& Ta$reans are impatient and p$sh& The arein a tremendo$s h$rr to et to the nowhere that the intend to o to& The ma-e little

dioramas o their homes, complete with tin eiies o the people the -now, and act o$tscenarios o the wa thins wo$ld #e i the were God&

Ge3ini

Everone loves a Gemini #eca$se everone loves a schi9ophrenic& %o$ li-e to thin- that o$are a hal3and hal mi:t$re o 6ocrates and 1ichelanelo, #$t in realit it+s more li-e Princeand .ea Arth$r& %o$ are proressive, o$toin, and one o the most pop$lar rides at CedarPoint& owever, o$ can and will neate all o this # the time o$+re inished readin thissentence& Geminis drive $nn cars& The oten drive them into trees or #$ildins& Geminis

are p$sh and over#earin& The pic- ihts with small children and moon people atweddins& The li-e to $se 0i#ras as p$nchin #as& A #ise:$al Gemini is a wal-in do$#ledate& The rest are hermaphrodites& Geminis vandali9e their own ho$ses& Geminis $se ar3etched analoies to descri#e philosophical concepts& Geminis rarel compete in the Olmpics&When the do, it is $s$all pool or air hoc-e& 5roer t$rns $p as well& Geminis are alwason some sort o medication& This medication is not alwas leal& Gemini is 0atin or "I+m o-a,I+m o-a&" Geminis spea- ver lo$dl in order to #e heard& This is $nort$nate as the arenearl alwas tal-in to themselves& In act, the oten pic- animated ar$ments withthemselves in the #atht$#& The most amo$s Gemini in histor is Orville and Wil#$r Wriht&Geminis are re;$entl a#ide:tro$s, which means that the can pic- #oth sides o their nosesat the same time& The Gemini is essentiall nothin more than a paranoid A;$ari$s&

Cancer

%o$ li-e to -now what+s oin on in the lives o everone in the ala:& owever, o$ tendnot -now -now what+s oin on in o$r own& I o$ are l$c-, o$r riends will tell o$&Cancerians onl et dressed #eca$se the have to, and their ashion sense can onl #edescri#ed as "erratic&" %o$ are more li-el than an other sin in the 9odiac 'e:cept Pisces,who does not iron) to iron o$r clothes # sleepin with them sandwiched #etween themattress and #o:3sprin& 0i-ewise, o$ can stretch one pair o $nderwear o$t or almost amonth& %o$r home is li-e o$r ver own .iodome, and o$ can remain indoors or months at

a time& Despite o$r need to #e everone+s savior, o$ need no social interaction& 6WATteams oten show $p, mista-enl thin-in there+s a hostae sit$ation& A Cancer is li-e awal-in 0adies+ ome =o$rnal, ;$ic- on the draw with shortca-e recipes and help$l hints onhow to tal- to o$r teen& Whether the -now it or not, the are all #orn with an e:ceptionaltalent or cross3stitch& 6o m$ch or #$in the world a Co-e 3 the wo$ld #reast3eed theworld i the co$ld& This trait is not ender3speciic& %o$ will never e:cel in sports #eca$seo$ have to rest or iteen min$tes ever time o$ #reathe& %o$ do not mind, since o$ planto cond$ct o$r career rom the comort o o$r own #ed& %o$ maintain o$r ;$estiona#lehealth thro$h a stead diet o o3o+s and #eer& %o$ also im#i#e a reat deal o Pepto3.ismol in order to con$se o$r n$mero$s $lcers& People wal- on o$ oten& Act$all, nototen 3 all the time& I o$ thin- someone is screwin o$, o$+re pro#a#l riht& The most

entertainin thin a#o$t this is that o$ li-e it& %o$ strive to #e a doormat& Cancerians cointheir own words to descri#e philosophical concepts& This is wh it is no s$rprise that GeoreW& .$sh is a Cancer& Cancerians have minimal inl$ence over their riends, even tho$h theshow $p with homemade so$p to remed ever minor or ma8or traed& owever, the wieldtheir power thro$h the act that the -now what everone is thin-in at an iven time& This


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is wh the are never invited to parties& Cancerians claim to #e "tact$l"& The word or this isact$all "shitless"& Cancerians are alwas appointed to ta-e their dr$n-en, droolin riendshome& These riends are $s$all Pisceans

Leo

%o$ will ra# attention in an wa o$ possi#l can& 6el3immolation is not o$t o the

;$estion& %o$ li-e to -iss mirrors a lot& Genhis 2han was a 0eo, and so is .arne theDinosa$r& People still love 0$c, #$t less #eca$se she was a 0eo& 0eos will interr$ptconversation to tal-, and the will place themselves #odil in the wa o someone who istrin to leave #eore the 0eo is inished sain what he or she needs to sa& All 0eos wantparades on their #irthdas& 0eos never marr #eca$se no one is ood eno$h or them& Ithe do marr, the -eep their spo$ses loc-ed $nder the #athroom sin-& The need phsicalaection at all timesB $nort$natel, the can+t ind an #eca$se everone thin-s the areirritatin p$n-s& This is wh so man o the people arrested or necrophilia are 0eos& A 0eo$ses himsel as an e:ample o the Overman in order to descri#e philosophical concepts& 6ome0eos decide to #e homose:$al even i the aren+t, #eca$se the thin- this ives them shoc-val$e& It act$all means that neither ender will want to hoo- $p with them& In act$alit,

anthin #esides a romantic evenin with themselves is considered a step down or the 0eo&0eos open doors # screamin at them& The e:pect their Clappers to appla$d when theenter a room& 0eos are said to resem#le lions& This means that the are lo$d, have clet$pper lips and slim noses, and st $nder trees as the wal-& The snac- on mon-es whilewatchin "Entertainment Toniht"& $milit rihtens 0eos& That is wh =es$s was aCapricorn, .$ddha was an Aries, and so orth& owever, "radical c$lt leader" is not o$t o the;$estion& 0eos li-e to start ihts with Aries& The will stomp and #lood each otherreardless o whether or not the are in p$#lic& In act, the 0eos $s$all preer it& %o$ will seethese ihts ta-in place at #ars, sportin events, ashion shows, or Taco .ell& I o$ are aclever Capricorn, o$ will sell tic-ets& Don+t worr a#o$t hanin posters330eo will ta-e careo that in advance& A;$arians han posters o roc- stars on their walls& 6corpios han posters

o amo$s disasters on their walls& Capricorns han posters o reat mathematicians on theirwalls& Pisceans han posters o $nicorns on their walls& 0eos han posters o themselves ontheir walls&

Virgo

%o$ are a pain in the ass& %o$ re$late o$r #reathin and color3coordinate the clothes ino$r closet& No 4iro in histor has ever #elched& 4iros clean ever s;$are inch oeverthin the own twice dail with a tooth#r$sh& Everthin has its place, and o$rs is onthe loor scr$##in with a maniin lass, chec-in or erms& O#sessive3comp$lsive

disorder( A nice e$phemism or the word "4iro"& 4iros $se pointers and ela#orate charts todescri#e philosophical concepts& %o$ commit a lot o drive3# shootins& When o$ are;$estioned, o$ tell the police that it was #eca$se "the #astard had a ilth car"& The police$s$all let o$ o #eca$se the are 4iros too& It is eas to rea- o$t a 4iro& Tell them thehave somethin #etween their teeth& Then watch them scr$# ranticall at the imainarthin& 4iros are a hell o a lot o $n or assholes li-e $s& ell or a 4iro is #ein loc-ed $p inan elevator or eternit with a na-ed A;$ari$s& That is #eca$se in hell, A;$arians are allowedto #rin #eer, which the leave all over the loor& 4iros, however, have to s$rrender their#rooms and s;$eeees to God& 4iros also have a hard time copin when the ind o$tthere+s somethin $nder the ride& .$t it+s $s$all 8$st a depressed Ta$r$s& 4iros have readeno$h ints rom eloise to -now that the depressed Ta$r$s can #e coa:ed o$t rom $nder

the ride with a #anana wine cooler& 4iros don+t see the world in shades o #lac- and white&The see it in shades o clean and dirt& Cat hair ma-es 4iros oam at the mo$th& 4iros arecool #eca$se the will do o$r la$ndr or o$& The+ll separate everthin # color and a#ric$ntil it consists o o$rteen loads o three thins apiece& Then the will p$t them in thewasher in alpha#etical order # name o man$act$rer& 4iros are oten o$nd openin and


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sh$ttin the rerierator door, attemptin to tric- the liht inside& Don+t p$t cheese where itdoesn+t #elon in a 4iro+s rerierator& e or she will o =ac- Torrence on o$r ass& %o$ will#e sta##ed with a c$ticle p$sher& =ac- Torrence was pro#a#l a 4iro in the irst hal o "The6hinin"& Ater that, he went all 0eo&

Li)ra

%o$ are oh3so3eleant and taste$l to the point o inc$rrin na$sea rom loved ones& %o$ arealso #ipolar as hell and can+t ma-e a decision on o$r own& %o$ $s$all cons$lt o$r therapistor T4 G$ide& 0i#ras are trend and mallea#le ol-s& The are $nn #eca$se the will lomonto somethin the hated #eore i it s$ddenl #ecomes ashiona#le& 4elo$r is not entirellost $pon these people& 0i#ras eat a lot o ethnic ood rom c$lt$res the don+t $nderstand&The sinle3handedl started the capp$cino movement& As- them wh, and the will claimsomethin $nintellii#le a#o$t solidarit& %o$ constantl worr a#o$t what other people thin-&I o$ reall paid an attention, ma#e people wo$ld li-e o$ more& 0i#ras $se ;$otes romDavid 1amet plas to descri#e philosophical concepts& Then the have those conceptsenraved $pon nice little wallet cards& The 0i#ran interest in c$rrent events ends with the =&Crew catalo& The don+t eat ast ood or have an cl$e where their trash oes& The have

other people tie their e:pensive shoes& Onl two 0i#ras have ever #een o$nd in thrit stores&All o their #ell3#ottoms were color3coordinated to match their lam t$rtlenec-s& 0i#ras arealwas on the c$ttin ede o what the rest o $s thin- is a#sol$te pretentio$s #$llst& Thehave h$e collections o CDs the+ve never even listened to& 0i#ras ive to desiner charities&ollwood is $ll o 0i#ras& %o$ are the reason #$tterl hairpins and parach$te pants havemade a come#ac-& Ne:t on the list is those #i 8am shorts& %o$ pro#a#l never threw o$to$r old pair& an on to o$r Winer t3shirt too& Get a 0i#ra as dr$n- as possi#le and he orshe will still #e a#le to e:plain the dierence #etween ca latt and ca a$ lait& This ispec$liar as the rest o $s -now that there is no dierence at all&

Scor2io%o$ ot into comp$ters earl so o$ co$ld $se made3$p, #$llst terminolo and et awawith it& 1ost hac-ers are 6corpios, as are most people who thin- the+re oin to ind ameon a chat #oard& %o$ em#arrass 0i#ras #eca$se o$ li-e o$r coee straiht o$t o the #a,eaten with a spoon& %o$ ma have act$all snorted Choc- 5$ll o+ N$ts at one time in o$r lie&%o$ ta-e o$r paranoid #eatni- approach to lie ver serio$sl& 1an 6corpios have o$ndwas to s$ccess$ll smo-e in the shower& %o$r n$m#er3one r$de is a#o$t never havin#een a#d$cted # aliens, or #ein the victim o a overnment conspirac& 1ost o those a-evir$s warnins or cash oers rom .ill Gates are o$r attempt to stir somethin $p& Ironicall,.ill Gates is a 6corpio& The $ll3a$tomated #arrac-s he lives in sho$ld clear $p an do$#t&

%o$r master plan or world domination will never wor- #eca$se it involves o$ at the helm& Itis hard or o$ to accept that 6tar Tre- is iction, and o$ are not a .or leader& 6corpios $see:pletives to descri#e philosophical concepts& It+s no wonder that alloween alls smac- in themiddle o the 6corpio rane& This is the onl time o ear when a-e ha$ntins, s$ar3ind$cedhsteria, and impersonatin Dr& Who won+t et o$ arrested& 6corpios have stron se: drives,#eca$se it ives them et another opport$nit to smo-e& 6corpios have m$ch advice to iveon matters that are o no concern to them& I o$ want to ind o$t i someone is a 6corpio,as- them a pertinent ;$estion& 5ive min$tes o silence later, the answer will #e "I+m sorr,what(" 6corpios are oten hair and eel that this ma-es them more virile& This is especialltr$e o 6corpio women& 6corpios cheat at the lotter& I it+s a$tomated, the can hac- it&

Sagi""ari+s6aittarians are #orn advent$rers& The li-e smashin spiders with their #are hands andtrin to wal- to the #athroom in the middle o the niht with the lihts o$t& The wo$ld


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sooner s$stain cripplin in8$r than do anthin the eas wa& 6aittarians love to entertaintheir riends, amil, and total straners& This oten incl$des transvesticism& Nearl ever6aittarian was #orn into the wron ender& 6aittarians are lo$d and have no social races&The see- to oend& 6aittarians $s$all have nic-names li-e Th$nderpooper or 4omit$s1a:im$s& Animals and small children love 6aittarians& This is $nort$nate since ad$lts$s$all hate them& owever, 6aittarians ma-e e:cellent circ$s rea-s and varants&6aittarians $se interpretive dance to descri#e philosophical concepts& .$ttons and #$mperstic-ers with r$de sains on them are a trademar- o the 6aittarian& The throw ood at

e:pensive resta$rants and as- lots o ;$estions in the middle o ch$rch& Don+t ever #rin a6aittari$s home to meet o$r parents& e or she will tie $p o$r mother and pants o$r dad&5amo$s 6aittarians incl$de the Geo 1etro& The holida d$rin which the s$n is in 6aittari$sis Than-sivin& This is hihl appropriate since everone eats $ntil the+re sic- and passeso$t while a #$nch o cross3dressers and h$e inlata#le thins wander thro$h the streets oNew %or-, the most 6aittarian town in the $niverse& The 6hriners drivin aro$nd in the tinlittle cars are a ver 6aittarian imae& Even more so i there+s a ridic$lo$sl #$st womanst$ed into the car as well& A 6aittari$s is alwas a #etter 1adonna than 1adonna& 1en canp$ll o se;$ins, and women can p$ll o constr$ction helmets& The 6aittari$s is incapa#le o#ein $nhip&

Ca2ricorn

Capricorns are hardwor-in, relia#le, and d$ll as hell& The are alwas on the move, headedto their ne:t del$sion o rande$r& The are oten ood at math which e:plains wh the ares$ch pains in the ass& *en Descartes was a reat mathematician and a crapp philosopher,so he m$st have #een a Capricorn& 6tephen aw-in is even more Capricorn #eca$se he+s allo the a#ove and a pompo$s 6&O&.& to #oot& 6$re, he+s overcome a lot o o#stacles etc& etc&,#$t even in perect health o$ can+t overcome #ein a Capricorn& 1ost politicians areCapricorns, which is wh o$r co$ntr is alwas in the hole& It is not s$rprisin that politiciansneed so m$ch sec$rit aro$nd them all the time& Capricorns are li-e a strane cross #etween

a 0eo and a 4iro& The thin- that this ma-es them #oth charismatic and loical& In realit, itmeans that the are tiht3assed and nitpic-, and have to -eep their eos in the #ac-ard& Inthe event o n$clear war, onl coc-roaches and Capricorns wo$ld ind a wa to s$rvive& Therest o $s 8$st don+t want to live in a world li-e that& The nation+s coc-eed sstem o tollroads was pro#a#l desined # a rea-in+ Capricorn& The learn how to screw the p$#lic overat an earl ae& Their parents #$ them #oo-s o law or Christmas so the can $nderline theloopholes& Capricorns cannot even athom, m$ch less descri#e, philosophical concepts#eca$se the don+t involve e;$ations& '6ee comments a#o$t Descartes and aw-in a#ove)Capricorns own lots o 5iloa:es and other tools to orani9e the lives the do not have& Thelove to #e seen tal-in on their cell phones& These phones are not act$all t$rned on #eca$seCapricorns don+t have an riends to call& Capricorns went o$t o stle in FF& The still

#elieve that Tr$mp was a visionar& 1ost o the people arrested or co$ntereitin areCapricorns

A4+ari+s

The A;$ari$s loves a part& Antime, anwhere is their motto& It is not $nli-el that anA;$ari$s will consider a wa-e a ood place to meet chic-s& A;$arians tend to #e nostalica#o$t the FHs #eca$se that was the last time the co$ld #e na-ed in p$#lic and et awawith it& A;$arians love to #e na-ed& It is even #etter i the are na-ed and croc-ed& FJ&KL othe Niht Train cons$med in the past thirt ears has #een cons$med # A;$arians& Almost

ever A;$arian will claim to have seen =err Garcia+s imae in their 5root 0oops at least once&5root 0oops is a ver A;$arian cereal& 6o is *ice 2rispies, since it will enae in a riendlchat with the A;$arian as he or she is eatin #rea-ast& Co$nt Choc$la is o3limits, however&It #elons to the 6corpios& A;$arians are the onl people in the 9odiac who can pla volle#allwith themselves& And the re;$entl do& A;$arians $se the phrase "D$de, man&&&" re;$entl


13/17

when descri#in philosophical concepts& A;$arians have o$t3o3#od e:periences on a dail#asis& I o$ are tal-in to an A;$arian and he or she 9ones o$t, consider the conversationhopeless& e or she is tal-in to the $ three eet awa rom o$& A;$arians are $n #eca$sethe channel people& Pl$s, i o$ tell them to, the will r$n aro$nd na-ed& A;$arians li-eastronom #eca$se the+ve #een to all those places& I o$ want to -now what the ood is li-eon 6at$rn, as- an A;$ari$s& The can also wal- on water i the tr reall reall hard& This$s$all happens in the #atht$#& A;$arians can allow themselves ever possi#le vice on theplanet, and don+t thin- twice a#o$t it& That is wh the piss everone else o& The are

cosmicall entitled to do this& 1ost roc- stars are A;$arians&

Pisces

Everwhere o$ o, la$hter and comed ens$e& This wo$ld #e reat i o$ were trin to #e

$nn& %o$ are deepl con$sed # the idea o se:& As ar as o$ are concerned, i it didn+t

happen in "The 4elveteen *a##it", it doesn+t e:ist& Piscean women wear lon loat dresses

and enormo$s amo$nts o $n$s$al silver 8ewelr& On hi-es& Pisceans claim to love the stars,

#$t the onl constellation the can ind is the .i Dipper& I the cannot ind it, the cr& %o$

remem#er what o$ were wearin on 1arch @rd, F #$t oret o$r own address& %o$ haveno sense o direction& The people o$ ind oin in reverse at J m&p&h& on the e:presswa

are $s$all Pisceans& Pisceans are most li-el to die # allin o$t o a window or ettin r$n

over # a tr$c-& That is, o co$rse, $nless the live with a Cancer& Pisceans are so 9oned and

perpet$all endanered that the can #rin o$t the maternal instincts o a 0eo& Don+t #e

ooled, howeverB man Pisceans can s$rprise o$ # -ic-in o$r ass and the asses o o$r

o$r imainar riends& While 0eos tend to achieve the most ame in the ield o

entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical reatness # sheer l$-e& The are pro$d

to tell o$ that 1ichelanelo, Galileo, Geore Washinton, and Al#ert Einstein, none o whom

had an aent, were all Pisceans& What the won+t tell o$ is that so is Ted 2enned& Pisceans

claim to want "honest criticism" o their wor-& Then the commit hara3-iri on the loor wheno$ sa o$ don+t li-e it& Never tr to $se loic with a PiscesB he or she is livin a#o$t three

eet o o the nat$ral ro$nd or in Narnia& Their tools o de#ate are non3se;$it$rs, ;$otes

rom Eli9a#eth .arrett .rownin, and, o co$rse, crin& It wo$ldn+t matter what lin$istic

devices Pisceans $se to descri#e philosophical concepts #eca$se the aren+t positive the

-now what the+re tal-in a#o$t anwa& %o$ cr over dead animals in the road #$t eel no

remorse a#o$t mowin down h$mans o$ don+t li-e& Cancerians sa one thin and do

another& 6corpios sa one thin and do it 8$st or spite& Pisceans sa ar too m$ch and do

whatever the hell the want&

A/"er Se5 Co33en"s 6 As"rology

Astrology Humour

Aries:"O-a, let+s do it aain!"

Ta+r+s:"I+m h$nr33pass the pi99a&"

Ge3ini:"ave o$ seen the remote("

Cancer:"When are we ettin married("

Leo:"Wasn+t I antastic("

Virgo:"I need to wash the sheets&"


14/17

Li)ra:"I li-ed it i o$ li-ed it&"

Scor2io:"Perhaps I sho$ld $ntie o$&"

Sagi""ari+s:"Don+t call me33I+ll call o$&"

Ca2ricorn:"Do o$ have a #$siness card("

A4+ari+s:"Now let+s tr it with o$r clothes o!"

Pisces:"What did o$ sa o$r name was aain("

1o# "o C!ange a Lig!")+l)7 6 As"rology

Astrology Humour

ARIES:=$st one& Wanna ma-e somethin o it(

TAURUS:Well, I preer nat$ral liht i at all possi#le& Are o$ a#sol$tel positive that

liht#$l# is #$rned o$t( I hate to throw it awa i it still miht #e $se$l&

GEMINI:Pro#a#l one is #est, #eca$se i there are more than one, the+ll et so wrapped $pin tal-in to each other that the+ll oret all a#o$t the liht#$l#&

CANCER:Onl one, #$t three therapists will #e needed to help with the rievin process& O*

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Astrology Humour - Prayers and Zodiacal Signs.doc

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