51
C O N E H E A D S DIALOGUE CONTINUITY PRINTED IN USA
C O N E H E A D S
DIALOGUE CONTINUITY PRINTED IN USA
C O N E H E A D S
SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...Lieutenant, just in case.
BONES: (OVER T.V.) What about the Captain?
Where's the Captain, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...he's out there, doctor. Out
there somewhere in a 1,000 cubic parsecs of
space...
SPOCK: (OVER T.V.) ...and there's absolutely
nothing we can do to help him.
MAN'S VOICE: (OVER INTERCOM) Bogey inbound...
MAN'S VOICE: (OVER INTERCOM) ...500 miles from Rockport.
Do you copy?
TECHNICIAN: (INTO RADIO) Roger Tac-com. You got it
too?
CAPTAIN: What is it?
TECHNICIAN: I don't know, Captain.
TECHNICIAN: (OFF) But sat' signal has it at 500 miles
inbound real fast.
TECHNICIAN: Whoa, that's not one of ours.
MAN'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) We have a confirmed inbound...
MAN'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) ...bogey...
PILOT: Werewolf flight camera's now on.
PILOT: Whew, man is he moving. Unidentified
aircraft...
PILOT: (OVER RADIO) ...you are violating
restricted airspace. Reduce speed to mach
one. Repeat, slow down, descend to...
PILOT: (OVER RADIO) ...three thousand feet and
identify or we will force you down.
BELDAR: (OFF) (LAUGHS)
CONEHEADSPage 2
PILOT: Command, this is Werewolf leader. Bogey not
responding and he's walking away fast.
Suggest Air National Guard in Franklin
attempt intercept.
ANG PILOT'S VOICE: This is Cowboy, flight.
ANG PILOT: I got a lock on. Request permission to
fire.
CONTROLLER'S VOICE: (OVER RADIO) Cowboy, you are cleared to
fire.
PRYMAAT: Mebs!
PRYMAAT: You should have activated the cloaking
device.
BELDAR: I cannot...
BELDAR: ...remember everything.
ANG PILOT: It's disappeared.
ANG PILOT: (OFF) He just disappeared.
BELDAR: Greetings.
CLERK: You need a room?
BELDAR: Correct.
CLERK: Uhm, fill out this applica...
CLERK: Just a form there.
BELDAR: I also seek out techno-industrial center
where I can purchase two or three simlats of
platinum paste.
CLERK: Oh, uhm, this time of night, huh? Oh,
geeze, uh, let's see... See, I'm kind of
new to the area, uh, I don't...
BELDAR: Do you know where I could obtain a helio-
ison grafting device operable at eight
fathoms?
CONEHEADSPage 3
CLERK: Uh, you know, the day guy, he knows this
area really good. I'm, I'm sorry I can't
help you. I'm...
CLERK: Is this a double occupancy?
BELDAR: Correct. That is my mate.
CLERK: Yeah, right. Uhm, I'm sure she is.
CLERK: That's fine. Okay. Uhm...
CLERK: Will that be cash or charge?
BELDAR: Huh?
CLERK: How are you going to pay for the room?
PRYMAAT: We shall remunerate with metallic tender-
discs.
BELDAR: Correct.
CLERK: This is fine. Yeah.
PRYMAAT: (LAUGHS)
BELDAR: This is a primitive device. We must find
one with the necessary components to...
BELDAR: ...communicate our distress to Remulak.
PRYMAAT: When the Highmaster hears about the
destruction of our ship he will be most
displeased.
BELDAR: Affirmative. He will surely cut off my parg
and hand it to me.
PRYMAAT: Ugh...
BELDAR: But do not despair, Prymaat. We will be
rescued. Until then, we must adapt. When
the hydrogen droplets have ceased, we will
go forth and live undetected on Earth
amongst the blunt skulls.
PRYMAAT: Beldar, how can we live amongst the blunt
skulls?
BELDAR: We will blend in.
CONEHEADSPage 4
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) My goodness, Mike Sanders...
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) Wow...
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) Here's the man that made it
happen...
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE: (OVER T.V.) ...last night...
CONEHEADS: (OFF) (MOAN) Aaaagggghhh!
CONEHEADS: (OFF) (MOAN) Aaaahhhhh!
CONEHEADS: (SCREAM) Aaaaahhhhhh!
CONEHEADS: (OFF) (SCREAM) Aaaaaahhhhh!
MALE CUSTOMER: Hey, Otto, this dude's almost as fast as you
are.
OTTO: No, man, this boy is the best. Shows up
on...
OTTO: (OFF) ...time. Gives me an honest day's
work. You can't find...
OTTO: ...people like this anymore.
MALE CUSTOMER: You know that's right.
OTTO: Now these other dudes, these white boys and
the brothers show up late and they loaf
around. All they want is a check.
CUSTOMER: I heard that.
BELDAR: Here is your Superjuicemaster. For future
reference...
BELDAR: ...frequent cleaning of blades will
prevent...
BELDAR: ...motor wear and accumulation of Earth
bacteria.
OTTO: (CHUCKLES)
OTTO: (OFF) I told you...
OTTO: ...the boy is good. If I could find three
more like him, I could retire.
CONEHEADSPage 5
BELDAR: Excuse me, Otto. I believe it is time for
midday cessation of activities for protein-
carbo intake.
OTTO: Yeah, sure, take your lunch break.
BELDAR: Lunch.
BELDAR: Lunch, lunch...
OTTO: The boy loves to eat.
BELDAR: Lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch,
lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch, lunch,
lunch, lunch...
BELDAR: Greetings Earth woman. (LAUGHS) Time for
the midday consumption of mass quantities.
PRYMAAT: I have re-radiated...
PRYMAAT: ...left over starch disc.
BELDAR: (OFF) Ah...
BELDAR: ...pizza. I will enjoy it.
PRYMAAT: There. Warning...
PRYMAAT: ...do not sear the top of your neck hole in
the molten lactate extract of hoofed
mammals.
PRYMAAT: (OFF) Excellent.
PRYMAAT: The final component for the intergalactic...
PRYMAAT: (OFF) ...communicator.
BELDAR: Correct.
PRYMAAT: There.
BELDAR: Perhaps a final tightening of the spiral
dimension fasteners.
PRYMAAT: Beldar! Activate the device. Address
Marlax. Inform him of our situation.
PRYMAAT: (OFF) There is no advantage to delay.
REPORTER'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) ...the President's a
crook!
CONEHEADSPage 6
PRESIDENT NIXON'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) No, I'm not a
crook.
PRYMAAT: Verscrub!
PRYMAAT: (OFF) Phone home.
BELDAR: Omglath Marlax... (ECHOES)
MARLAX: Greetings Beldar, we haven't heard from you
in clarsogs and are glad to see your life
functions are still active.
BELDAR: Greetings, Marlax.
MARLAX: I trust you have enslaved the planet and are
waiting further instructions.
BELDAR: Eeng!
BELDAR: Unanticipated...
BELDAR: ...failure of mentanglion drive has caused
us to abandon our vessel in a fluid mass.
BELDAR: At what time coordinate might we expect a
rescue vessel?
MARLAX: Rescue vessel? You Tarpaath!
MARLAX: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) I would not like to be
in your cone when the Highmaster hears of
your failure.
MARLAX: (OFF) He will not take it lightly. I will
try to arrange for a...
MARLAX: ...star cruiser to enter your solar system
in about, oh... 7 zerls.
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: 7 zerls!
MARLAX: Flargans... Remulak... Narpail.
BELDAR: Narg....
BELDAR: 7 zerls.
PRYMAAT: Beldar, there is something we should discuss
that is far more important than planetary
conquest.
CONEHEADSPage 7
BELDAR: What, what could be more important than
planetary conquest?
PRYMAAT: Beldar... I am with Cone.
BELDAR: You...I...a young one?
PRYMAAT: (FACE OFF) Affirmative.
OTTO: Eight thousand dollars. (CHUCKLES) This is
the best week I've ever had. And there's
twelve hundred for you, Beldar.
BELDAR: Thank you.
OTTO: By the way, Beldar, you haven't given me...
OTTO: (OFF) ...your social security number.
BELDAR: My social security number? I... I am
sorry, I keep forgetting.
OTTO: Look, man, I need that number. I got state
payroll forms, workman's comp.
OTTO: (OFF) You do have a number, don't you?
BELDAR: Of course. I am a citizen of this planet.
OTTO: All right, my man, give me the numbers.
BELDAR: 0...
BELDAR: ...2...5...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...6...
BELDAR: ...X...point...3...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...O...B...
BELDAR: ...8...7...
OTTO: Beldar, my man, you're trying to tell me you
don't have a social security number?
BELDAR: Correct.
OTTO: Why not?
BELDAR: I am an illegal alien.
OTTO: Oh...for... I knew you were too good to be
true. Everytime I make some money this
happens. So where are you from?
CONEHEADSPage 8
BELDAR: The planet Remulak. I am Fuel Survey
Underlord for your entire...
OTTO: Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.
OTTO: Look, we're gonna work this out.
CARMINE: Okay, here's the deal. Your name is Donald
R. De Cicco.
CARMINE: (OFF) Got that?
BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco.
CARMINE: Yeah, that's you. D-E Capital C-I-C-C-O.
You were born August 11, 1951 in Brockton
Massachusetts.
BELDAR: Brockton, Massachusetts.
CARMINE: Oh, it's a lovely town there. And your name
is what?
BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco.
CARMINE: (OFF) That's right. You are.
CARMINE: (OFF) It's nice...
CARMINE: ...to see you. Your wife's name is Mary
Margaret Rowney. Born...
CARMINE: (OFF) ...June 26, 1955 in...
CARMINE: ...Narragansett, Rhode Island. But you're
from where?
BELDAR: Brockton, Massachusetts.
CARMINE: Hey, my mother's from there! You two were
married...
CARMINE: ...June 4th 1975 in Koros, Greece where you
met on a fellowship following your
graduation from Hobart College.
BELDAR: Hobart.
CARMINE: Hobart College.
BELDAR: College.
CARMINE: Let's put 'em together.
CONEHEADSPage 9
BELDAR: Hobart College.
CARMINE: The man's a wizard.
CARMINE: Everything else you need is in here.
CARMINE: (OFF) Birth certificate, family names...
CARMINE: ...school records, employer's addresses,
grandmother's...
CARMINE: ...maiden name. Not that they'll ask, but
it's in there.
CARMINE: Most important...
CARMINE: ...your social security numbers. What's
your name?
BELDAR: Donald R. De Cicco.
CARMINE: Donny De Cicco, nice to meet you. Welcome
to the United States.
CARMINE: Right in there.
CARMINE: Up and down.
BELDAR: This is a fine craft. It can be operated
with some ease.
OTTO: Yo, man, come on...hey not so close, all
right? I mean it's not that I'm against
closeness, it's just not my thing, man. You
see in America, we got this thing called
space.
BELDAR: There you go.
OTTO: Beldar, if you're gonna live here and have
kids, you're gonna have to get yourself
together. Buy yourself a car. Maybe get a
hat for that head. And you got to do
something about those teeth.
BELDAR: Teeth.
OTTO: (OFF) Beldar, do you know what the key to
success in this country is?
CONEHEADSPage 10
BELDAR: I do not.
OTTO: Well, I'm gonna tell you. Look good. Be
your own boss. Never get chained to a desk.
And when it comes to business, take cash
only.
BELDAR: "Look good, be own boss, no desk, cash only.
OTTO: You've got it. You got anymore of that gum,
man?
BELDAR: Of course.
OTTO: On second thought...
OTTO: ...I better not chew and drive. I might hit
something.
HISPANICS: (OVERLAPPING CHATTER IN SPANISH)
HISPANICS: (OVERLAPPING SPANISH)
TURNBULL: (OFF) Please, I...I'm really...
TURNBULL: ...better with English. All I'm getting is
clicking noises over here.
HISPANICS: Clicking? Clicking? Clicking?
TURNBULL: Could you be a lamb and have a seat? Take a
un-seatado. Por favor.
TURNBULL: Hi, there. I'll take that.
TURNBULL: Mr. Seedling can't see anyone today.
He's...
TURNBULL: ...having one of those days. Thanks.
TURNBULL: Isn't that cute? Okay. That's not yours.
WOMAN: (IN ITALIAN)
SEEDLING: Now bear in mind these figures are not to
scale. You see...
SEEDLING: ...I'm suggesting we put these electronic
collars on all the deportees. And then
we...
CONEHEADSPage 11
SEEDLING: (FACE OFF) ...bury a wire along the border
forming...
SEEDLING: ...an invisible fence.
SEEDLING: (OFF) Now the next time this illegal...
SEEDLING: ...wants to enter the country...
SEEDLING: Pow... A jolt he won't soon forget.
SEEDLING: (OFF) It'll send a nice message to the rest
of...
SEEDLING: ...the population. Let's get on this.
ENGINEER: Yes, right away, sir.
SEEDLING: Why am I the only one who can see the
problem?
TURNBULL: I don't know.
SEEDLING: Everyone else just ignores the problem
hoping it will go away. But it won't.
TURNBULL: (OFF) You're absolutely right. It's not
gonna disappear.
SEEDLING: Maybe I should just give up too.
TURNBULL: (OFF) Oh, no.
SEEDLING: Sure. Just give up. Be like everybody
else.
TURNBULL: That's not you.
SEEDLING: Go the easy route. Let the country be over-
run.
TURNBULL: You wouldn't be happy.
SEEDLING: Well, that's why I have to give it
everything I have. One hundred percent. I
know everyone thinks it crazy.
TURNBULL: And obsessive.
SEEDLING: That I'm a mental case.
TURNBULL: Whacko. Completely insane.
CONEHEADSPage 12
TURNBULL: I have something for you. That deceased
S.S.I. number you flagged.
SEEDLING: De Cicco? He's back. That's the tenth job
he's taken this month. Not bad for a guy
that was shot to death in a clam bar in
Sheepshead Bay.
TURNBULL: It seems now Mr. De Cicco is working as an
appliance repairman in Jersey City.
SEEDLING: Let's see, Donald De Cicco's one through
five turned out to be a Samoan, a
Vietnamese, a Sicilian, a Canadian...
TURNBULL: ...and a Belgian.
SEEDLING: And a Belgian. Yes. He skipped back to
Belgium.
SEEDLING: I lost him, Eli. This one I want.
HYGIENIST: (OFF) Doctor Rudolph...
HYGIENIST: ...this is Mister De Cicco. He wants his
teeth capped. All of them.
DENTIST: Okay. We'll just take a look.
DENTIST: Hello, Mister De Sicco...
BELDAR: De Cicco. The name is De Cicco.
DENTIST: Mister De Cicco, I'm Dr. Rudolph. Can we
send for your regular dental records?
BELDAR: Ah, when I was a young one, I chipped a
tooth horn on my rocket sled in a vurl
storm. But...
BELDAR: ...there were no records which we could send
from...where...we come from.
DENTIST: All right. Now I understand you want to
have your teeth capped.
BELDAR: Correct.
DENTIST: Let's just take a look.
CONEHEADSPage 13
DENTIST: And open please.
DENTIST: And close please.
DENTIST: And open please.
DENTIST: Okay. We'll start the caps right about
here, Mr. De Fasco.
BELDAR: (MUFFLED) De Cicco.
DENTIST: And open wider...
DENTIST: (OFF) ...if you can.
DENTIST: Headrest comfortable?
BELDAR: Fine.
DENTIST: All right.
DENTIST: I'm going to give you some nitrous oxide.
Now if you feel any pain, just let me know.
DENTIST: And breathe.
PRYMAAT: Beldar! Beldar! Mebs. Mebs!
PRYMAAT: Human authority figures. Mebs!
PRYMAAT: Mebs! We must egress immediately.
PRYMAAT: Oh! They're at the portal. We're
scrabnord.
SEEDLING: (OFF) I.N.S., open up!
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaaahhhh!
PRYMAAT: Beldar...
AGENTS: (OVERLAPPING) Around back. Come on.
SEEDLING: (OFF) There they go.
PRYMAAT: Mebs. Mebs.
SEEDLING: Turnbull!
TURNBULL: (OFF) Okay. No foreign passports, letters,
correspondence, newspapers...
TURNBULL: ...nothing to indicate their country of
origin. Except for these Mardi Gras suits.
SEEDLING: Let me see. Maybe they're Brazilian.
AGENT: Sir...
CONEHEADSPage 14
TURNBULL: Hi.
TURNBULL: You know what, it really would be better if
that went through me. He's not in a good
mood. Thanks.
TURNBULL: I think I found something, sir. Ah, that
symbol also appears on this card.
SEEDLING: (FACE OFF) Let me see that.
SEEDLING: Possibly Korean.
TURNBULL: Possibly.
SEEDLING: Have this text analyzed.
TURNBULL: Okay.
TURNBULL: Run this.
SEEDLING: Look at this filth. It's filthy.
SEEDLING: Human beings don't live like this.
SEEDLING: (OFF) Find out...
SEEDLING: ...where they're from.
TURNBULL: On it.
SEEDLING: Because wherever that is... I'm seeing to
it that they go back there.
MAN: La Guardia Airport. Delta terminal.
BELDAR: La Guardia. Do you wish I take the BQE, Van
Wyck, or my suggestion, Woodhaven boulevard
to the Grand Central parkway? There are
more signal lights, but less traffic.
MAN: Whatever. Just as long as we get there.
BELDAR: Woodhaven, Grand Central. (INTO RADIO)
345, drop off La Guardia.
BELDAR: Good evening.
BELDAR: Greetings.
PRYMAAT: Greetings, my geneto-mate. How was your day
ferrying humans across the grid?
BELDAR: Acceptable. Tips could have been better.
CONEHEADSPage 15
PRYMAAT: Ooohh...
PRYMAAT: The impending Cone prepares for its
emergence.
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaahhhh!
BELDAR: It's Khoudri.
PRYMAAT: (OFF) Ahh.
BELDAR: Welcome my employer and landlord.
KHOUDRI: Beldar, forgive my intrusion. Ravi is sick.
Can you work the midnight shift? Use my
car?
BELDAR: Most certainly. However this will be the
last triple shift. The birth spasm is near.
KHOUDRI: (OFF) Beldar, once again...
KHOUDRI: ...you have pulled me from the fire.
BELDAR: Yes.
PRYMAAT: Beldar, you have been working through your
slar phase again. Guz deprivation is not
good.
BELDAR: But this dwelling is no longer acceptable.
Even by Earth standards it is not good
enough for you and our young one. We must
strive to settle in a safer neighborhood.
One with better schools and a stronger local
economic matrix which will not tax us to
death. We are no better off than we were
two zerls ago.
PRYMAAT: This 15 year old ranch style dwelling is
available at 6,900 dollars down with an
assumable 9 percent fixed rate mortgage.
BELDAR: (OFF) But how? Our currency stock is
insufficient.
PRYMAAT: Incorrect.
CONEHEADSPage 16
PRYMAAT: You have been working nights. I have been
saving.
BELDAR: Ah, I praise you, Earth woman.
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Mmmm.
PRYMAAT: My pluvarb has broken. The birth spasm has
begun.
BELDAR: Ahh! Ahhh!
KHOUDRI: Nothing to this. Childbirth is a simple
gentle act of nature.
OTTO: You just take care of Prymaat. We'll get
plenty of good pictures.
PRYMAAT: Uhhh... I hate you, Beldar. I hate you!
NURSE: Breathe!
KHOUDRI: (SCREAMS)
OTTO: (OVERLAPPING COMMENT)
DOCTOR: Okay, one good push.
BABY CONE: (CRIES)
OTTO: It's so cute.
KHOUDRI: (OVERLAPPING) (CRIES)
DOCTOR: Would you like to cut the umbilical cord...
DOCTOR: ...Mister Conehead?
SEEDLING: (OFF) No, no hair.
SEEDLING: And bring the top of the head up higher.
SEEDLING: (OFF) No, higher...
SEEDLING: ...like a point.
TURNBULL: Sir, we have the analysis from Lexcom Labs
on the card found at the subject's dwelling.
No known language, script or characters
within the foreign catalogue nationality
encodes.
SEEDLING: (OFF) No, no, you're not listening to me.
SEEDLING: Look, you see where my hand is? That high.
CONEHEADSPage 17
SEEDLING: What else?
TURNBULL: Okay. The lab did a study of the Mardi Gras
costumes.
TURNBULL: They contain fibers with five wholly unknown
polymer strands. Nothing like it anywhere.
SEEDLING: So what are they saying? They're from
another planet?
TURNBULL: That theory has been advanced. Yes, sir.
SEEDLING: This is big.
TURNBULL: Uh-huhm.
SEEDLING: This is really big.
TURNBULL: Ah, permit me, sir. Should they in fact be
creatures from another planet, isn't that
Air Force responsibility?
SEEDLING: If they're just visiting, sure. But the
moment they try to work here, they're mine!
SEEDLING: (OFF) Any sign?
TURNBULL: No, sir, nothing yet.
TURNBULL: Wait...
TURNBULL: (OFF) (INTO RADIO) Subject vehicle...
TURNBULL: (INTO RADIO) ...coming your way.
FEMALE AGENT: (INTO RADIO) Copy. I have him in sight.
TURNBULL: Go?
SEEDLING: No.
TURNBULL: Go?
SEEDLING: No.
TURNBULL: Now?
SEEDLING: Go.
AGENTS: (OVERLAPPING) Freeze! All right, get your
hands where I can see them.
SEEDLING: This isn't him. What's going on here?
TURNBULL: Sir, look at this.
CONEHEADSPage 18
SEEDLING: Where did you get this key chain?
KHOUDRI: It's a gift. From one of the finest men
I've ever known.
SEEDLING: Where is he now?
KHOUDRI: He moved out a week ago.
KHOUDRI: (OFF) I have no word from him.
KHOUDRI: (OFF) I only wish I had more drivers like
him. Diligent...
KHOUDRI: ...punctual, his cab invariably sweet
smelling.
SEEDLING: Take him in and check him out.
TURNBULL: Check him.
SEEDLING: We find this insignia, find these illegals.
AGENT: Sir...
TURNBULL: Hi there. I'll take that. Thank you.
TURNBULL: Sir, sir...good news from Washington. Your
promotion came through. They must have
loved your electrified border idea. We knew
they would. On site Field Enforcement Head
for the entire Southwest.
SEEDLING: Assistant Deputy Commissioner.
TURNBULL: That should pay quite a bit more, shouldn't
it, sir.
SEEDLING: Are you kidding? It's an extra 1500 a year.
Of course I'll take it.
TURNBULL: Question, about this De Cicco case. We've
already invested so many man hours.
SEEDLING: Who cares. Let the next guy handle it. I'm
outta here.
SONG: (IN) "When I think back to all the crap I
learned in high school, it's a wonder I can
think at all."
CONEHEADSPage 19
SONG: (OVER) "And my life with education hasn't
hurt me none. I can read the writing on the
wall."
SONG: (OVER) "Kodachrome.... Give us the nights
bright colors, give us the greens of
summers, makes you think all the world's a
sunny day, oh yeah."
SONG: (OVER) "I got a Nikon camera, I love to
take a photograph, say mama, don't take my
Kodachrome away."
SONG: (OVER) "If you took all the girls I knew
when I was single...and brought them all
together for one night..."
SONG: (OVER) "I know they would never match my
sweet imagination...and everything looks
worse in black and white."
SONG: (OVER) "Kodachrome...give us the night's
bright colors, give us the greens of
summers..."
SONG: (OVER) "...makes you think all the world's
a sunny day, oh yeah."
SONG: (OVER) "I got a Nikon camera, I love to
take a photograph, say mama, don't take my
Kodachrome away."
PRYMAAT: (HUMS)
BELDAR: Ah, good morning, consumption of mass
quantities. Grid like breakfast slabs,
extruded mammal tailings, seared strips of
swine flesh and flattened chicken embryos.
I will enjoy it.
PRYMAAT: What is a seven letter word for a tomb in
ancient Egypt which is a quadrilateral
CONEHEADSPage 20
masonry mass having smooth steeply sloping
sides meeting in an apex?
BELDAR: A Flindar!
PRYMAAT: Ahh...
CONNIE: Good morning parental units.
BELDAR: Dawn greetings, young one.
PRYMAAT: What would you like for consumables? Pop
Tarts, Chicken embryos? Seasoned patties of
ground animal flesh?
CONNIE: I'm not really hungry. Just some Tang.
PRYMAAT: Ah, Tang. The drink the astronauts took to
the moon.
BELDAR: Astronauts to the moon. (LAUGHS)
PRYMAAT: The pro shop called. Your new putter has
arrived.
BELDAR: Ah, my Hawk True Flex Power Point with
graphite shaft. A secret of golf pros
everywhere. A truly manly putter.
BELDAR: Ahh...
BELDAR: (FACE OFF) What have you done to your cone?
CONNIE: Nothing.
BELDAR: No? Turn around.
BELDAR: Ahhh...
CONNIE: Ahhhh! It's not a real tattoo.
BELDAR: Mebs. Mebs. Unacceptable.
CONNIE: It's just a decal. Everyone's wearing them.
BELDAR: If everyone jumped into the Bitumious
Cauldron, would you jump in, too?
CONNIE: I am not a little cone anymore, Dad.
BELDAR: Maintain low tones with me. Maintain low
tones. Now go to the hygienic chamber and
CONEHEADSPage 21
remove it. Also you are wearing far too
much lip and cheek enhancement.
CONNIE: Mom? My makeup looks okay, doesn't it?
BELDAR: Do not invoke the approval of your other
parental unit. Now, if you wish to
accompany me to the enclosed retail
compound, you will make the necessary
corrections. And remove the decal.
CONNIE: Fine.
PRYMAAT: Beldar...
BELDAR: She looked like a common flathrag on payday.
LISA: I don't know what went wrong with these
roses this year. Maybe I need a gardener.
LARRY: Look sweetie, I'm not going to pay some guy
to dig in the dirt.
LISA: Larry, I told you to take that thing to a
professional.
LISA: (OFF) You'll save money in the long run.
LARRY: I should have got an electric one.
LARRY: Beldar is that you?
BELDAR: Correct.
LARRY: Bel... (CHUCKLES) Pry...ah, buddy you got
a minute?
BELDAR: Of course.
LARRY: The damn lawnmower won't start. You know,
you're so darn good with machinery. Would
you mind taking a look at it?
BELDAR: I do not mind.
PRYMAAT: (OFF) Greetings...
PRYMAAT: ...Lisa. Excellent crop of decorative
growth.
LISA: You're being nice.
CONEHEADSPage 22
PRYMAAT: Yes.
BELDAR: (OFF) Uhm, standard three horsepower...
BELDAR: ...internal combustion chlorophyll-stalk
slicer. There is fuel in the device?
LARRY: Oh, yeah, yeah. There's plenty of gas in
there. I just can't get the damn thing to
kick over.
PRYMAAT: Perhaps you and Larry will join us for
consumption of mass quantities this weekend.
We will ignite our new flame pit and char
some mammal flesh for you.
LISA: That sounds like fun. I'll make some
coleslaw.
PRYMAAT: Ah, coleslaw. We will enjoy it.
LARRY: Thanks, Bel...
GIRLS: (OVERLAPPING) Connie... How are you? Hi,
Mister Conehead. Oh, my god, I love your
hat. Let's go. It's so cool.
GIRLS: Mister Plummer! Can you... Get to the part
where he... No... Guess what? No... Oh
my god! This song! Oh!
SONG: (IN) "Sometimes I feel I've got to runaway.
I've got to..."
SONG: (OVER) "...get away from the pain you drive
into all of me. The love we shared..."
RONNIE: Sorry, it's not ready.
BELDAR: I do not understand. I have returned at the
agreed upon time coordinates.
RONNIE: Well, I'm very sorry Mister Conhead...
BELDAR: Conehead. The name is Conehead.
RONNIE: (OFF) Well look, uh, Mister...
CONEHEADSPage 23
RONNIE: ...Conehead, uh, we got a little backed up
and it took a little longer than we
expected.
BELDAR: Unacceptable.
BELDAR: Not only have you delayed my departure
from...
BELDAR: ...here, but the entire series of events
which was to follow. What reason could you
have for such deception?
RONNIE: Look, I don't know who you are or where
you're from but...
BELDAR: France. We come from France.
RONNIE: Fine, sir. The point is it will be ready
when it's ready.
RONNIE: (OFF) So if you want to...
RONNIE: ...take a seat over there, we'll call you
when your car is finished.
BELDAR: I will comply. What choice do I have? It
is as if you've seized me at the base of my
snarglies.
CONNIE: Hey, Ronnie...
RONNIE: What?
CONNIE: I just have one question.
CONNIE: How can it take so long to do a simple
alignment on an American sedan...
CONNIE: ...with standard rack and pinion steering,
Mac Pherson...
CONNIE: ...struts when your garage is equipped with
the proper Borg Warner digital hydraulic
radiometer?
RONNIE: Maybe because I was out back finishing a
beer.
CONEHEADSPage 24
CONNIE: Okay.
SENATOR: (OFF) Now Deputy Commissioner Seedling,
before this committee can recommend your
appointment to the position of
Commissioner...
SENATOR: ...there's still several questions regarding
your tenure as Mid Atlantic District Chief
we'd like answered this afternoon.
SEEDLING: Well, Senator, that was a long time ago and,
ah...very busy office. I won't be able to
recall everything that came across my desk.
SENATOR: Well, we won't be asking you about
everything.
SENATOR: (OFF) Just case number 889343-B.
SENATOR: The so called... De... De...
TURNBULL: De Cicco.
SENATOR: (OFF) De Cicco file.
SEEDLING: Yes, I... I do remember that case.
SENATOR: In an unsuccessful pursuit, labeled by some
as excessive, you authorized the expenditure
of...
SENATOR: (OFF) ...a quarter of a million dollars to
apprehend what you believed was an illegal
alien from another planet.
SENATOR: A spaceman.
SEEDLING: Excuse me.
SEEDLING: Actually, Senator, I, ah... I never said on
the record that I thought they were
spacemen...
SEEDLING: (OFF) ...uhm...and the case...
SEEDLING: ...is still open. And I... I feel that
when we make this apprehension, the expense
CONEHEADSPage 25
will be well justified... (NERVOUS PAUSE)
...is what I feel.
SEEDLING: I can't believe my appointment's being held
up by that piece of crap De Cicco case.
TURNBULL: I know, I know.
SEEDLING: I want the whole file put back in the system
flagged at red levels.
TURNBULL: Yes, sir. Right away.
SEEDLING: Why me? Huh? Why me?
TURNBULL: I don't know.
SEEDLING: The system always screws the guy that works
the hardest.
TURNBULL: It's unfair. It's not right.
SEEDLING: And politicians? Ah...they don't even care.
TURNBULL: It's the system.
SEEDLING: The phone's ringing.
TURNBULL: The phone rings all the time.
SEEDLING: No, Eli...
TURNBULL: Oh, the phone! I'll get it. I'll get it.
SEEDLING: This guy's out there somewhere, and he's
going to make a mistake. And when he does,
we'll nail him.
RONNIE: You know, I've never dated a girl taller
than me before.
CONNIE: Oh, really?
CONNIE: I've always been tall.
RONNIE: So, both your parents from Europe, or...
CONNIE: Ah ha.
RONNIE: When did they come to America?
CONNIE: Ah, before I was born.
RONNIE: Yeah...
RONNIE: ...my grandfather's from the old country.
CONEHEADSPage 26
CONNIE: Oh...
CONNIE: ...really? Which one?
RONNIE: Mm... I'm not sure. One of the big ones.
CONNIE: Oh.
RONNIE: (OFF) Wow!
RONNIE: My mom's the only other woman I've ever
known who could take a sandwich like that.
God!
CONNIE: Are you going to eat that?
RONNIE: No, no.
RONNIE: You're something special.
RONNIE: You know that?
LISA: So, Beldar's giving this woman beginning
driving lessons for the fifth time, huh?
That's interesting.
PRYMAAT: Interesting. Why is that interesting?
LISA: I mean, the same woman. Think about it.
PRYMAAT: The same woman.
LISA: It's been my experience that the more you
think about it, the more you probably should
worry...
LISA: ...because, all men are pigs.
PRYMAAT: Ah...pigs. An omnivorous domesticated
cloven hoofed vertebrate that defecates in
the same place it consumes.
LISA: Exactly. You should be very careful with
Beldar. He's got that continental accent
that some women find...
LISA: (OFF) ...irresistible.
PRYMAAT: (SCREAMS)
PRYMAAT: (CONTINUES TO SCREAM)
PRYMAAT: (LAUGHS)
CONEHEADSPage 27
GLADYS: I really like it when you watch me drive.
GLADYS: Whoops.
WORKMAN: Watch it, lady!
GLADYS: (OFF) It's funny. It's like you've been...
GLADYS: ...instructing me all my life.
GLADYS: Yes. It's almost as if you've controlled me
completely.
GLADYS: (POUTING) Beldar, I just don't think I'm
ready for this test yet. I really don't. I
can't... Oh, listen to me.
GLADYS: I'm okay.
GLADYS: I'm just...human.
GLADYS: (OFF) And, uhm...
GLADYS: ...weak.
BELDAR: Gladys...
BELDAR: ...look at me.
GLADYS: Oh, yes.
BELDAR: I am your teacher, you are my student.
BELDAR: It is natural that you harbor certain
feelings for your driving instructor.
BELDAR: But you must understand, nothing can come of
this.
BELDAR: Fifty-eight U.S. dollars...
BELDAR: ...please.
GLADYS: You are one of the finest men I have ever
met.
BELDAR: When my species comes to rule this planet,
your name will be on the protected rolls,
and you will come to no harm.
GLADYS: You are wise, but there's a sadness to your
wisdom.
CONNIE: Ronnie, don't. Please?
CONEHEADSPage 28
RONNIE: Come on, Connie. I told you how I feel
about you.
RONNIE: Doesn't that mean anything?
CONNIE: It means a lot.
RONNIE: Well, it's like...you know, I pick you up, I
take you out...
RONNIE: ...I bring you home, we say goodnight....and
you never kiss me. What, is there something
wrong with me or something?
CONNIE: Of course not. It's just... My parental
units... Well, we've never been really
affectionate, and... I'm afraid I don't
know how.
RONNIE: It's easy. All you do is lean forward and
kiss, like this.
CONNIE: Ronnie, don't.
CONNIE: Ronnie... I am not ready!
RONNIE: Oh, you're ready.
CONNIE: Don't. Ronnie!
PRYMAAT: Greetings. How was your date with Ronnie?
CONNIE: Daddy was right. Earth boys only care about
one thing.
PRYMAAT: You mean Ronnie was behaving like a
flairndep.
CONNIE: Flairndep?
PRYMAAT: Flairndep. An uninvited grasper of cone. A
masher. A hustler.
BELDAR: Flairndep?!
RONNIE: Hi, Mr. Conehead.
BELDAR: I find you unacceptable!
RONNIE: Yes sir.
CONEHEADSPage 29
BELDAR: If I did not fear incarceration by human
authority figures...
BELDAR: ...I would terminate your life functions by
applying sufficient pressure to your blunt
skull so as to cause its collapse.
RONNIE: Tha... Thank you.
BELDAR: Do not worry about the flairndep Ronnie.
You will not see him within the Laurel Hills
quadrant again.
CONNIE: I can't believe you did that. You've ruined
my life.
BELDAR: Na... Young one, when we return to Remulak,
all this will...
CONNIE: (OFF) (OVERLAPPING) I don't...
CONNIE: ...care about Remulak. That stupid
starcruiser is never coming anyway.
BELDAR: But...she said... I thought...
PRYMAAT: I will attend to the young one.
CONNIE: Come in.
PRYMAAT: You know, Connie, I read in a magazine you
can talk to me about anything.
CONNIE: Mom, what does it feel like to...hone?
PRYMAAT: Well, for me, the first time it happened so
fast I hardly knew I'd honed at all. And
after that, it was more repetition than
anything else. Oh, my young one, your cone
is changing and you feel unsure.
CONNIE: How would you know what it's like? You've
been married to Daddy for so long.
PRYMAAT: I was a young cone myself once. Before I
met Beldar I was very attracted to a young
Thorasian forger and as far as I was
CONEHEADSPage 30
concerned, there was no other life force in
the universe that mattered. But then he got
a job working at a volcano complex on some
moon in the Butumius Cluster. I never saw
him again and it broke my blood-valve
chamber. I got over it and it worked out
for the best, because then I met your
father. And I knew then that I had found my
true life mate.
CONNIE: I love you, Mom.
PRYMAAT: The currents of chromobonding between you
and your parental units are infinite.
BELDAR: Mebs!
LARRY: Good shot. So, have you given any thought
to what I said about, ah...you know, hair?
BELDAR: I do not understand.
LARRY: Ah, Beld, it's me, Larry. You don't have to
pretend it doesn't bother you. (CHUCKLES)
You're a young man, my friend. No reason
for you to be skinny up top. I'll let you
in on a little secret. It's not all my own
hair. Hard to tell, isn't it?
BELDAR: Only from a very high altitude.
LARRY: Daaa! Well, I'll say no more. Think it
over. If you want, I'll be happy to
introduce you to my man.
BELDAR: Thank you.
RONNIE: Hey, Mr. Conehead.
RONNIE: Way to blast out of the bunker, huh?
RONNIE: It's me, Ronnie. I hope you didn't cut your
hand when you tore open my car. (BEAT) I'm
fine.
CONEHEADSPage 31
BELDAR: Yes, thank you. No problem. Goodbye.
RONNIE: Okay.
GUEST GOLFER: Hey Chubby, come on!
LARRY: All right, Conehead, that puts me four
behind you at the turn.
BELDAR: Correct.
RONNIE: Hey, Mr. Conehead, I'm miserable. I feel so
bad for what I did. It feels like
somebody's ripping my guts out. She won't
take my calls.
GUEST GOLFER: Hey, kid... I'm not paying you to yak.
GUEST GOLFER: Buddy...
GUEST GOLFER: ...what's with the head? (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: Forget him. He's not a member.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) That concludes the one
meter competition.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Next will be the three
meter board category.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) First diver from the
home team, Connie Conehead.
COACH: You'll execute a one and a half flip with a
twist...
COACH: ...and the head and the body enter the water
with as little splash as possible.
CONNIE: All right.
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Aaahhh!
COACH: Good girl. Keep it up. You've got one more
dive.
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Next, diving for Union
High, Gale Jenson.
RONNIE: You were great. I'm sorry about the other
night. I was a real...
CONEHEADSPage 32
RONNIE: ...jerk! Okay?
PRINCIPAL: (OFF) Connie's our best hope for the state
championship finals.
BELDAR: Correct. We believe this also.
PRINCIPAL: (OFF) You know...
PRINCIPAL: ...tell me if I'm wrong, but I don't think
I've ever seen you two at any of the parent
meetings. What committees are you on?
BELDAR: Eeeennnggg!
PRINCIPAL: You know, we still need volunteers for the
Homecoming gala.
BELDAR: Home...
PRYMAAT: Coming... Coming...
BELDAR: Home...
RONNIE: Hi. Look I'm sorry if I...
CONNIE: No, I mean I shouldn't have been so...
RONNIE: Hey, it was me. Sometimes I just...
CONNIE: Me, too. Me, too.
RONNIE: If I thought I did anything to...
CONNIE: No, you didn't. I mean...I...I mean it.
RONNIE: Seriously?
CONNIE: Yeah.
RONNIE: Wow! I'm glad we talked.
PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) And now, parents and
students alike, if you will direct your
attention to...
PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...the sky above the
playing field, you will be treated to a
display of amateur fireworks, courtesy of...
PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...Beldar Conehead,
father of Paramus High's own...
PRINCIPAL: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) ...Connie Conehead.
CONEHEADSPage 33
MARSHALL: Careful there, Conehead.
CROWD: (MOANS AND BOO'S)
MARSHALL: Pretty cheap, Conehead.
BELDAR: Cigar?
PRYMAAT: Is the light keeping you awake?
BELDAR: No.
BELDAR: Your breathing has become erratic. A torg
for your thoughts.
PRYMAAT: Beldar, are you content with me?
BELDAR: Of course. Why would I not be? Now, I
would like to enter my slar phase.
PRYMAAT: Let us suppose for some reason my life
functions ceased. What would you do?
BELDAR: I would incinerate your carcass in the
tradition of Ovahdar the Obtuse and put it
in a clean dry place.
PRYMAAT: Would you find a new geneto-mate to bring to
our guz chamber and propagate?
BELDAR: Ah, my most precious one. I would collapse.
I would draw the shades and I would live in
the dark. I would never get out of my slar
pad, or clean myself. My fluids would
coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I
would die miserable and lonely. The stench
would be great.
PRYMAAT: Oh, Beldar, you have made me very happy.
BELDAR: Yes, I know. Goodnight.
PRYMAAT: Life on Earth is good.
BELDAR: I agree. Stability and contentment have
been achieved.
AMPLIFIED VOICE: Lay by and put about. Lay by and put about.
CONEHEADSPage 34
SEEDLING: Attention, return to your port of
embarkation.
SEEDLING: There is no work for you in the United
States.
SEEDLING: You have no job skills, you'll be a drag on
our economy. We appreciate your situation,
but we have problems of our own.
SEEDLING: Thank you.
AGENT: Phone, sir.
SEEDLING: (INTO PHONE) Seedling here.
TURNBULL: Sir, a FAX just came through on the secure
channel. I think we found him.
SEEDLING: Don't toy with me, Eli. This time it better
be real.
PRINCIPAL: Oh... Oh...
PRINCIPAL: Hello, Mrs. Conehead... Oh, I've been
meaning to talk to you about the Christmas
tree lighting ceremony.
PRINCIPAL: We've found someone else to...
PRINCIPAL: ...head up that committee and won't be
needing Mr. Conehead's services after all,
so...
PRINCIPAL: ...if you could please thank him for me.
PRYMAAT: Ah. He will be very disappointed.
PRINCIPAL: Mm-hm.
LARRY: (OFF) I'm telling you, Bels...
LARRY: ...if you just stay on your game, you could
win that trophy this year.
BELDAR: Ah... A meaningless piece of metal and
wood. I compete only with myself. I
appreciate the game for its physics, its
CONEHEADSPage 35
high level of skill, its self-control and of
course, spirituality.
LARRY: You're full of it, Conehead. The only
reason you're coming to the costume ball is
because you think you got a shot...
LARRY: (OFF) ...at winning that trophy.
BELDAR: (OFF) Negative.
BELDAR: Of course, if I should win the trophy I
would accept it with limited enthusiasm.
BELDAR: Ron... Harv...
RON: Beldar, what's happening?
HARV: Hey, Conehead, what kind of costume are you
wearing to the Halloween dance?
BELDAR: I'm not about to tell you, Harv.
BELDAR: (OFF) Ehh?
BELDAR: (OFF) (READS) Consume alco-beverage. Come
get me.
BELDAR: (OFF) Ah! Mai-Tai!
BELDAR: I will enjoy it.
PRYMAAT: Greetings, Earth man.
BELDAR: Ha...Ha...Ah...Ehh....
PRYMAAT: It is good to hone in places other than our
guz chamber before slar phase.
BELDAR: Who said?
PRYMAAT: Good Housekeeping.
PRYMAAT: (GROWLS)
BELDAR: (OFF) Aaahhh...
AGENT: What are they doing in there?
TURNBULL: It sounds like they stepped on a cat.
TURNBULL: (INTO PHONE) Comdec Three.
OPERATOR: (OVER PHONE) Forwarding Commissioner
Seedling.
CONEHEADSPage 36
TURNBULL: Go ahead.
SEEDLING: (OVER PHONE) Turnbull?
TURNBULL: Yes, sir. We're on them, sir.
SEEDLING: (OVER PHONE) Don't make a move without me.
TURNBULL: Roger, I understand. No, we won't make a
move until you get here.
BELDAR: Greetings.
SEEDLING: Hello there. We just stopped by to
introduce ourselves. We're Jehovah's
Witnesses.
BELDAR: How do you do? I am Beldar.
TURNBULL: We attend the Kingdom Hall...
TURNBULL: (OFF) ...on Cove Neck Road.
BELDAR: Ah yes. Next to the dry cleaners...
BELDAR: ...across from Seven Eleven.
TURNBULL: Exactly.
SEEDLING: May we ask you a question?
BELDAR: Proceed.
SEEDLING: Do you agree that the world is headed
towards a terrible calamity?
BELDAR: Most definitely. In fact I have direct
personal knowledge that this is so.
TURNBULL: Great. May we come in?
BELDAR: Of course.
BELDAR: Enter. Assume comfort.
BELDAR: My mate, Prymaat.
PRYMAAT: Greetings. Be seated.
BELDAR: (OFF) So...
BELDAR: ...what do you know of the doom awaiting
this planet?
SEEDLING: Oh, well, as ah...as Witnesses we believe
that the end of the world is approaching...
CONEHEADSPage 37
SEEDLING: (OFF) ...and that only 144,000 people will
be saved to reign.
PRYMAAT: I do not believe it will be that many.
TURNBULL: Ah, no, the Bible clearly states 144,000
will be saved to reign.
BELDAR: That is a very optimistic
estimate...considering the primitive weapons
the Earth people will use for their defense.
PRYMAAT: Some Earth weapons are not so useless.
BELDAR: Mebs. Drop it.
SEEDLING: Well, ah...when the time comes...no weapon
of this Earth shall avail mankind.
BELDAR AND PRYMAAT: Correct.
SEEDLING: Where are you people from?
PRYMAAT: France. We come from France.
BELDAR: (OFF) But...
BELDAR: ...we are American citizens now.
SEEDLING: Do you have proof?
BELDAR: (OFF) Proof?
SEEDLING: (NERVOUSLY CHUCKLES)
CONNIE: I'm going over to Christina's.
CONNIE: (OFF) She's gonna give me a ride to the
dance. So, uhm...
CONNIE: ...I'll see you there.
BELDAR: (OFF) All right.
SEEDLING: I take it your daughter was born here.
BELDAR: Yes. She is native to your plan...ah...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...country.
SEEDLING: Eh vous le parlez encore ici en Amerique?
BELDAR: Oui. Absolument. Mais c'est difficile a
practiquer dans cette ville. II n'ya pas
beaucoup...
CONEHEADSPage 38
BELDAR: (OFF) ...des Francais continentales ici au
New Jersey.
SEEDLING: Eh vous aussi?
PRYMAAT: Oui.
PRYMAAT: Je le parle souvent avec mes amis
francophones.
BELDAR: (BACKGROUND) (SPEAKS FRENCH)
SEEDLING: (SPEAKS FRENCH) Oui. Je...
BELDAR: (SPEAKS FRENCH)
MARLAX'S VOICE: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Scarlab...
Modtrubium... Beldar. Scarlab...
Modtrubium... Beldar.
PRYMAAT: (SCREAMS)
BELDAR: (SPEAKS FRENCH)
PRYMAAT: Beldar...
PRYMAAT: ...phone for you.
BELDAR: Ah. Tell the caller that I will return his
call at my next earliest convenience.
PRYMAAT: No, Beldar, the Big Phone!
BELDAR: (OFF) The Big Phone...
BELDAR: Nnnnggggeeehhh!
BELDAR: (OFF) I hope that...
BELDAR: ...you humans have enjoyed your visit.
BELDAR: Come again now.
BELDAR: You are leaving.
SEEDLING: We haven't finished. How did you arrive in
this country?
BELDAR: I think you are finished.
PRYMAAT: Thank you for coming.
TURNBULL: I don't think they bought it, sir.
SEEDLING: Well, you just can't talk religion with some
people.
CONEHEADSPage 39
BELDAR: Connie...
CONNIE: Ronnie's gonna give me a ride home tonight,
so I won't need a ride. Okay?
BELDAR: Negative, young lady. We must speak now.
It is imperative!
BELDAR: I have good news, my young one. After zerls
of waiting...
BELDAR: ...our rescue vessel from Remulak is coming
tonight.
CONNIE: What?
BELDAR: You are finally going to see the
unparalleled joys of your home planet.
CONNIE: I've got to tell Ronnie.
BELDAR: Irrational.
BELDAR: You will tell no one.
CONNIE: Well, what if I said I don't want to go?
BELDAR: Oh, my infinitely valuable incarnation.
BELDAR: Watching you grow up on this savage planet
has caused me great pain. Your young optic
receptacles never having observed the sacred
peaks of Aardsnaap, the Crater of Culdroth,
the Mergziod Labyrinthe.
CONNIE: I know. I know, and I'm sure it's all
great.
CONNIE: And I know that you don't believe me, (BEAT)
but I'm in love with Ronnie.
BELDAR: (GROANS)
CONNIE: Daddy, if you really care...
CONNIE: ...you'll let me say goodbye to him.
BELDAR: Although my blood valve chamber weighs
heavily with your feelings, tonight we must
remain together.
CONEHEADSPage 40
LISA: You're moving away tonight?
LARRY: I...I guess when you get the call to be the
driver for the President of France...
LARRY: (OFF) ...you gotta go.
CONNIE: I have to tell you something really
important.
RONNIE: What is it?
CONNIE: Not here. We have to be alone.
RONNIE: All right!
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: The awarding...
MASTER OF CEREMONIES: ...of the Fairfield Country Club Golfer
of the Year Trophy... Not so fast,
Carl...for most improved handicap through
the season. And the winner is...Beldar
Conehead!
AGENT: (OFF) The daughter and boyfriend are on the
move.
CONNIE: Ronnie, before we do anything at all,
there's something I have to say. (SIGHS)
I'm different from other girls.
RONNIE: I know. That's why I love you.
CONNIE: Oh, Ronnie!
PRYMAAT: I cannot believe she left after you told her
not to. Something has corrupted her
judgement.
BELDAR: When we get back to Remulak, I am grounding
her for an entire zerl. And I mean it!
BELDAR: (OFF) Nnnaaahhh!
BELDAR: Senso-rings?! Where did you get those?
CONNIE: Under your bed.
BELDAR: Unacceptable. Your cone is too young.
BELDAR: Get up. You're coming to Remulak right now.
CONEHEADSPage 41
CONNIE: I am staying with Ronnie.
BELDAR: Maintain low tones. Impossible.
Undesirable. Inadvisable.
RONNIE: Then I'm coming with you. I love you.
PRYMAAT: Mebs! Human authority figures.
BELDAR: We must egress immediately!
SEEDLING: (OVER BULLHORN) It's over, Conehead. This
is the I.N.S. Come out with your hands up.
You're under arrest.
SEEDLING: They're going for it!
AGENT: Don't move.
AGENT: Hold it right there.
AGENT: (OVER RADIO) It's the boyfriend.
TURNBULL: Sir, it's the boyfriend.
BELDAR: Aaaeeehhh!
PRYMAAT: Eeennngg!
CONNIE: (OFF) Daddy!
SEEDLING: Nice maneuver, but it's all over, Conehead.
PRYMAAT: Beldar...
PRYMAAT: ...I think that is the Jehovah's Witness.
BELDAR: Eh?
AGENT: Let's cover him.
PRYMAAT AND BELDAR: Aaaaeeheehhh!
PRYMAAT AND BELDAR: Eeeaahhhhh!
AGENT: (INTO RADIO) (MUFFLED COMMANDS)
CONNIE: I love you, Ronnie!
RONNIE: I love you...
AGENT: (OFF) Get back in the car!
RONNIE: (OVERLAPPING) ...Connie!
TURNBULL: (WHIMPERS)
TURNBULL: Gorman, let go!
TURNBULL: Gorman... Gorman, I'm serious!
CONEHEADSPage 42
SEEDLING: You're not getting away this time, Conehead.
You're completely surrounded.
SEEDLING: Put the car down!
CAPTAIN: (OFF) This is the ship's Captain.
CAPTAIN: Secure yourselves into the formplat. We'll
initiate mentaglion surge as soon as we go
past...
CAPTAIN: ...the only moon of this planet.
CAPTAIN: No problem.
CAPTAIN: (OFF) We have successfully passed their
moon and are...
CAPTAIN: ...preparing now for mentaglion surge.
BELDAR: Remulak!
SUPPLICANT: Vlenglariat pla, Highmaster. I know every
cone is allowed but four uses of the
Bitumius Pleasure Spool, and I partook six.
SUPPLICANT: I realize the error of these actions and I
vow they will never be repeated. I throw
myself at your mertex. Fairnob, smerthail.
HIGHMASTER: Smordit.
HIGHMASTER: I realize the Pleasure Spools are a
difficult...
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) ...temptation to resist.
Therefore...
HIGHMASTER: you will...knarftle the Garthok!
SUPPLICANT: Noo! Noo!
MENTOT: Fuel Survey Underlord Beldar Florhone...
MENTOT: ...and Marlax Zehemsto from...
MENTOT: (OFF) ...Protoid Fuel Administration.
MARLAX: Gemgleb, Om klath, Marlax im Beldar.
HIGHMASTER: Ah, Beldar, survivor of the wilderness
planet.
CONEHEADSPage 43
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) What offerings do you bring me from
the conquered worldlet?
BELDAR: Greetings, Revered One. Allow me first to
present the gift of two living native beings
from the planet.
SEEDLING: (OFF) You can do what you want to me...
SEEDLING: ...but I will not apologize for doing my
job. The United States of America can no
longer solve the employment problems of the
rest of the universe.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Silence the slave.
HIGHMASTER: Delightful.
HIGHMASTER: They will make a fitting sacrifice to
Krathnor.
HIGHMASTER: What else did you bring me?
BELDAR: A multitude of gifts...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...from the blunt skulled
civilization.
BELDAR: A tire iron with four way lug wrench.
BELDAR: An owner's manual...
BELDAR: ...for a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
HIGHMASTER: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
BELDAR: A personal conveyance named for its
inventor, assassinated ruler, a character of
Greco-Roman myth and a small fur-covered
mammal.
HIGHMASTER: Ah.
BELDAR: (OFF) And a dashboard...
BELDAR: ...icon.
HIGHMASTER: This is all?
BELDAR: Certainly not.
BELDAR: (FACE OFF) Some...
CONEHEADSPage 44
BELDAR: ...chewing gum?
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Sporf.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) More than sporfed.
HIGHMASTER: Flarged by this.
HIGHMASTER: Kremnots. Beldar...
HIGHMASTER: ...come close.
HIGHMASTER: Close.
HIGHMASTER: What have you done to your face portal?
BELDAR: Eehh?
HIGHMASTER: Your trelgs?
MARLAX: (OFF) Excellency, there is good reason.
Beldar lived among the blunt heads...
MARLAX: ...so long, he had to adapt to survive. He
offered his trelgs.
BELDAR: It is known as dental bonding.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) I do not care what it is known as to
the blunt skulls.
HIGHMASTER: Here, it is known as treason.
CROWD: (OVERLAPPING) Treason! Treason!
BELDAR: Treason?
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Since it is the festival...
HIGHMASTER: ...it is at my discretion to settle things
in the ancient ways.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Therefore, Beldar, you will...
HIGHMASTER: ...knarftle the Garthok.
CROWD: (OVERLAPPING) Knarftle the Garthok!
Knarftle the Garthok!
BELDAR: I am no traitor!
CONNIE: What's a Garthok?
LAARTA: Every zerl since the ancient times, when the
three moons align, and the melded light of
the crescents causes a garthok to emerge.
CONEHEADSPage 45
CONNIE: Ah ha. So, what's a garthok?
LAARTA: Our seats used to be way up in the back.
LAARTA: These are much better seats!
CONNIE: That is a garthok?
LAARTA: You can really see it from this vantage.
These are very good seats, Marlax.
MARLAX: Aaahhh.
GUARD: It is time.
ATHLETIC CONE: I am Lagtar, disgraced Guardsman.
ATHLETIC CONE: I am prepared to fight for my honor.
LAARTA: These are great seats!
MARLAX: Aaahh.
MUSCULAR CONE: I have learned much from watching the
garthok battle. It has weaknesses. When my
turn comes, I believe I can take him.
BELDAR: Ah ha. And let me know when Elvis gets
here.
GUARD: (OFF) You are next.
SEEDLING: This is a first for me.
GUARD: (OFF) You are next.
SUPPLICANT: No, he's next.
BELDAR: No. He said you are next.
SUPPLICANT: No. Look, he is next. He is next.
BELDAR: Ah, you were ahead of me in the Highmaster's
court. I do remember.
SUPPLICANT: That was then...
SUPPLICANT: ...this is now.
GUARD: Knarftle like a cone!
SUPPLICANT: No! Yeeaahhgh!
GUARD: (OFF) You are next.
CONNIE: Daddy!
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) Sometimes...
CONEHEADSPage 46
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...I feel I want to...
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...eehhh-eehhh...
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...run away.
BELDAR: (SINGS) I want to eehhh-ehhh, get away...
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...from the pain you...
SEEDLING: It's a song.
FEMALE CONE: Hmm?
TURNBULL: Big hit on Earth.
BELDAR: (OVERLAPPING) ...drive into me.
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) Part of me...
BELDAR: (OFF) (SINGS) ...eehhh-eehhh...
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Combeen.
HIGHMASTER: The day is yours, Beldar.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) You have successfully knarftled the
garthok.
HIGHMASTER: Therefore, a request may be granted.
BELDAR: And I have such a request.
HIGHMASTER: (OFF) Speak freely.
BELDAR: That I be...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...permitted to return to Earth.
BELDAR: And on my return I will conquer...
BELDAR: (OFF) ...the planet Earth and enslave the
blunt skulls in the name...
BELDAR: ...of my cone heritage.
HIGHMASTER: Request granted.
BELDAR: I also wish to take the Earth slaves with
me.
HIGHMASTER: Narg. You may only take one slave.
BELDAR: Then I take Seedling, the one with higher
office.
SEEDLING: (BACKGROUND) Thank you.
HIGHMASTER: So be it.
CONEHEADSPage 47
HIGHMASTER: Welgrub.
HIGHMASTER: Let it be written...
HIGHMASTER: Are you writing this? That Beldar shall
return to the Humo-carb planet where he
shall conquer the blunt skulls...
HIGHMASTER: This is vifiscal. Yet I speak and they do
not hear.
TURNBULL: No one listens.
HIGHMASTER: They do not realize the degree of difficulty
imposed upon me by my office.
TURNBULL: Power is not easy. Ah-ah.
HIGHMASTER: I sit in judgement and rule. That is all
there is for me.
TURNBULL: You have no interior life.
MENTOT: Highmaster...
TURNBULL: Hi there. Why don't you let me take care of
that. He's having a really tough day.
Thank you.
BELDAR: (OFF) Omglath. Remdreb.
BELDAR: Remdreb. Krathnor. Attention all battle
unit commanders. Entering outer atmospheres
of target planet.
BELDAR: (OFF) Hold your global ranging positions.
Array mesoton cannon. Stand ready for my
attack order.
MARLAX: The starfleet has entered the Earth's
atmosphere.
TURNBULL: They've entered the Earth's atmosphere.
HIGHMASTER: Ah! The moment of glory is upon us.
TURNBULL: Really big day for you, sir.
BELDAR: Landing enabled. Arm cannon. Verify global
targets.
CONEHEADSPage 48
BELDAR: (OFF) Hold your weapons release until my
order.
BELDAR: Warning!
BELDAR: Warning!
BELDAR: (OFF) Danger to battlefleet.
BELDAR: (OFF) Presence of enemy laser gun...
BELDAR: ...emplacements in satellites detected.
BELDAR: (OVER COMMUNICATOR) Proceed to secondary
target in Pulsumium chain.
BELDAR: (OFF) Lorbsled. Warning. Warning.
BELDAR: Danger to battlefleet.
BELDAR: Danger to battlefleet.
CONE PILOT: Lorbsleb! Lorbsleb! Lorbsleb!
BELDAR: Quickly, my family! Run! Run!
BELDAR: Your happiness and positive perception of me
is vital to my existence. Besides, it is
not everyday that a father can give the
world to his child.
CONNIE: I love you, Daddy.
CONNIE: Whoa!
MARLAX: Beldar's life functions have ceased. The
Earth weapons have silenced him.
HIGHMASTER: He died bravely in battle. There is no
death more glorious.
TURNBULL: He will be missed.
HIGHMASTER: He will walk the chosen.
TURNBULL: Super guy.
BELDAR: I make this proposal to you, Earth creature.
Your life in exchange for a green card.
SEEDLING: Agreed. Provided you can demonstrate a
special job skill that no U.S. citizen
possess.
CONEHEADSPage 49
BELDAR: That should present no challenge to me.
SEEDLING: Ah... I have no objection.
BELDAR: Good.
BELDAR: Move. Eh-heh-heh-heh.
RONNIE: Good evening, Mr. Conehead, Mrs. Conehead.
BELDAR: Good evening, Ronnie. Welcome. Enter.
BELDAR: You look handsome, yet uncomfortable in your
pubescent ceremonial garb.
RONNIE: Yeah. You mean my tux, right?
BELDAR: Correct.
PRYMAAT: Connie is completing her beautification
ritual. I will summon her.
BELDAR: Ronnie...
BELDAR: ...may I have 55 words with you?
BELDAR: The frightening statistics of young
Earthlings mangling themselves in internal
combustion vehicles on the night of prom
ritual makes me insist that we use maximum
safety awareness. Return at the
predesignated time coordinates, and, in
fact...
BELDAR: ...take my car. Its reinforced alloy
superstructure is far superior to that of
your broken down rusted-out shit-box.
RONNIE: Gee, thanks, Mr. Conehead.
CONNIE: Hi, Ronnie. Hi, Daddy.
BELDAR: Ah...eh-he...ha...
RONNIE: This is for you.
CONNIE: Thanks.
BELDAR: Present yourselves for image emulsification.
PRYMAAT: Say "lactate extract of hoofed mammals".
RONNIE AND CONNIE: "Cheese".
CONEHEADSPage 50
BELDAR: Excellent.
RONNIE: (OFF) Goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead.
CONNIE: Goodnight.
BELDAR: Goodnight.
PRYMAAT: Goodnight.
BELDAR: Ah...Memory.
PRYMAAT: We will enjoy them.
THE END
