grundian Glasgow University www.yahoo.co.uk After two scorching semi-final victories, GUBC set to make their bums touch flags Sport Grundian hates Tim Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s classic Just fucked Film 1st April 2010 My balls are on fire Banana Murray & ‘Spare Me’ Smith ‘Piss and shit’ cause HRC shutdown Sarah ‘Spare Me’ Smith I, I MEAN, GRUNDIAN has obtained samples detailing the extent of the Hetherington Research Club’s (HRC) prob- lems in the months before it was forced to cease trading in February. The samples, taken from the Heatherington toilets on January 25, 2010, indicate that the Club had been in deep shit for months before any affirmative flushing action was taken. At the meeting it was reported that there were “systematic failures in Club’s plumbing”, with the Club’s manager, Fiona Dalrymple, attributing the financial deficit to “significant costs incurred due to the Committee of Management (CoM) not having time to clean up after itself”. The samples also show that the CoM knew that the club was operating illegally due to its “VAT issues”; chiefly that the Heatherington’s vat had reached maximum capacity and had been leaking shit and piss since 2008. David Newall, Secretary of Court, distanced himself from the mess saying: “It wasn’t me.” However super secret documents cleverly uncov- ered by me, ahem, Grundian (continued on page 3) Highest turnout for SRC elections EVER THE STUDENTS’ REPRESENTATIVE council (SRC) elections attracted its highest turnout in history, after more than ten students cast their votes online. The elections dramatically brought to light the existence of the SRC, a body previously unheard of before March 3. The record for the most voters named Tommy Gore was also blown away after no fewer than eight Tommy Gores pledged their support for their presidential namesake. Gore extended his thanks to his like-named supporters and was swift to promise sweeping platitudes across the board saying: “As stated in my manifesto, I will endeavor to create a dynamic learning environment for the student community, exploring the use of space in what could be termed as the real world. “I want to establish an equality outreach program engaging with real issues and promoting diversity, opportunity and environmental stuff. I’ve got it all worked out me, I’m going to sit tight with my 15 grand and, like every great SRC president before me, be so inoffensive you won’t know I’m here.” Criticisms surrounding newly elected Vice President, Tuula Ericksson’s campaign slogan: “Don’t worry, the election’s actually next week” were quickly forgotten and allegations of corrup- tion were vehemently denied by the Executive board who said: “That’s what the socialists always say, they’re just bitter, now give me my salary.” Exclusive Maximum Jameswell talks to Tariq Ramadan about serious stuff like his new book >> p.8-9 Ruby Wight
Transcript
grundianGlasgow University
www.yahoo.co.uk
After two scorching semi-final victories, GUBC set to make their bums touch flags
Sport
Grundian hates Tim Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s classic
Just fucked
Film
1st April 2010
My balls are on fire
Banana Murray & ‘Spare Me’ Smith
‘Piss and shit’ cause HRC shutdown
Sarah ‘Spare Me’ Smith
I, I MEAN, GRUNDIAN has obtained samples detailing the extent of the Hetherington Research Club’s (HRC) prob-lems in the months before it was forced to cease trading in February.
The samples, taken from the Heatherington toilets on January 25, 2010, indicate that the Club had been in deep shit for months before any affirmative flushing action was taken.
At the meeting it was reported that there were “systematic failures in Club’s plumbing”, with the Club’s manager, Fiona Dalrymple,
attributing the financial deficit to “significant costs incurred due to the Committee of Management (CoM) not having time to clean up after itself”.
The samples also show that the CoM knew that the club was operating illegally due to its “VAT issues”; chiefly that the Heatherington’s vat had reached maximum capacity and had been leaking shit and piss since 2008.
David Newall, Secretary of Court, distanced himself from the mess saying: “It wasn’t me.”
However super secret documents cleverly uncov-ered by me, ahem, Grundian
(continued on page 3)
Highest turnout for SRC elections EVERTHE STUDENTS’ REPRESENTATIVE council (SRC) elections attracted its highest turnout in history, after more than ten students cast their votes online.
The elections dramatically brought to light the existence of the SRC, a body previously unheard of before March 3.
The record for the most voters named Tommy Gore was also blown away after no fewer than eight Tommy Gores pledged their support for their presidential namesake.
Gore extended his thanks to his like-named supporters and was swift to promise sweeping platitudes across the board saying: “As stated in my manifesto, I will endeavor to create a dynamic learning environment for the student community, exploring the use of space in what could be termed as the real world.
“I want to establish an equality outreach program engaging with real issues and promoting diversity,
opportunity and environmental stuff. I’ve got it all worked out me, I’m going to sit tight with my 15 grand and, like every great SRC president before me, be so inoffensive you won’t know I’m here.”
Criticisms surrounding newly elected Vice President, Tuula Ericksson’s campaign slogan: “Don’t worry, the election’s actually next week” were quickly forgotten and allegations of corrup-tion were vehemently denied by the Executive board who said: “That’s what the socialists always say, they’re just bitter, now give me my salary.”
Exclusive
Maximum Jameswell talks to Tariq Ramadan about serious stuff like his new book >> p.8-9Ruby Wight
Fury as homeopathic archbishop is awarded honorary degreeTHE UNIVERSITY’S decision to award Mario Conti, Archbishop of Glasgow, an honorary degree has been widely “slammed”.
Pedants and medics joined the Student’s Representative Council in protest against the controversial bishop’s quasi-qualification.
Conti has attracted criti-cism in the past for his outspoken views on home-opathy and other alternative medicine. He famously once claimed that tiger balm was an effective way of dealing with acne.
SRC President Laura Laws was said to be “incensed” by the move.
She said: “It is clear that the powers that be are pursuing a completely warped agenda.
“I like the occasional bath as much as the next racist bigot, but when I heard that Conti had recommended bathing with scented candles I was physically sick.”
Laws’ views are shared by many in the academic community.
Dr Wully Who, head of medical research at Glasgow University, was quick to express his discontent.
“In today’s day and age it is completely unacceptable
to be so openly in favor of homeopathy.
“There is absolutely no scientific basis for the bene-fits of these herbal remedies.
“The same can be said for this Jesus character that Conti claims to be archbishop of.
“I think there is a strong case to say that Conti is some kind of witch.”
There have been reports of a growing demand in the academic community to have Conti tried by ducking. A Grundian survey of at least 40 students confirmed that 73.8% of undergraduates supported this proposition.
Laws continued to carve chunks from the old man’s reputation saying: “This is a sad day for Glasgow University, and a sad day for clear thought and learning.
“The SRC urges all students to be vigilant against Conti’s malicious propagation of aromatherapy, acupuncture and ear candles.”
Sean Connery, the once proud owner of an honorary degree, joined the debate.
“There was a time when an honorary degree meant some-thing, I can’t remember when, but this makes a mockery of the whole system.”
Not everyone on campus was so opposed to the Archbishop’s award, Ricardo
Bidet, a spokesperson for Glasgow University’s LGBT association rushed to Conti’s defense.
“The GULGBTs welcome Conti’s honorary degree gladly. Homeopathy is just one fine example of the diverse range of complemen-tary treatments available to sufferers of minor ailments.” he said,
“People just need to chillax, run a bath, get some smellies and some massage oil and let the tension out.
Bidet also suggested that public hostility towards alternative medicine was the result of deep-rooted social ignorance.
“I think too many people are embarrassed to go down to their local homeopathist and ask for some gingko for their bunions.
“Archbishop Conti is an empowering example of what can be achieved through homeopathy.”
Archbishop Conti’s unorth-odox methods came to define his career even as a young man, when he was known to put a spoon in his mouth when chopping onions.
Grundian was unable to contact the Archbishop for comment, as he was engaged in a long distance Reiki healing session.
Craick MacRaickan
Swot freshers damaging local communityNick Sikonya
RAISED ENTRY REQUIREMENTS to Glasgow University are having a catastrophic effect on the surrounding neighbourhood analysts warn.
The class of freshers admitted in 2009, although of a higher academic standard than previous years, have caused a slump in local business and community spirit.
Local marijuana retailer Green Steve told Grundian: “Its pure wank this year. My sales revenue is down 30% because these bookworms have brought the demand right down.
“It’s getting serious, at this rate I’m going to have to get a real job.”
Rebecca Hanover, a regular Queen Margaret Union Freshers Helper, also lamented the cooling of the party atmosphere, claiming the trend set a worrying precedent for future years.
“It’s just no fun anymore, showing this lot round Glasgow’s pubs was about as exciting as finding a carrot in your parsnip soup.” she said,
“I’d rather throw stones at a dead cow than hang around with these fucking vampires. I dread to think what next year’s freshers week will be like.”
A Guardian survey of freshers found their IQ to be significantly higher than that of older students. However major difficulties were encountered in finding interviewees willing to leave the library. Those that did participate were overwhelmingly punctual, neatly turned out and well mannered.
In light of this trend, developers have expressed an interest in building a trouser press shop on Gibson Street and a croquet lawn outside the Fraser Building.Jani Helle
“There was [vomit and excrement in the toilets for days after] a major event.”
IN BRIEFGUSA ‘elections’ marred by gang violenceAllegations of intimidation and extortion surrounded the GUSA elections this year.
Only Alex Cronin, a stalwart champion of liberty, had the nerve to stand up to the Hockey Stick Mafia. The gang’s political influence has shaped not only the outcome of many a GUSA election, but also the faces of its opponents.
With the exception of the presi-dency, the entire executive commitee were elected without competition.
A spokesperson for the Mafia told Guardian: “Yes I got a licence for this stick, this is a legitimate outfit we’re running here, we don’t want no trouble, we just want the election to run nice and easy, and for the best canditate to come home clean. Now scram before you have a nasty accident.”
Once the vote had been counted, it was Leo Howes who claimed the title of President. At the time of going to press, Grundian received an anonymous phone call implying that Cronin was about to acci-dentally chop his own head off while shaving, though has yet to be officially confirmed.
GROUND BREAKING NEW research at Glasgow University is paving the way for the next genera-tion of academic mentors.
Miniaturised robotic lecturers are to completely replace their inferior human counterparts within the next year, and it is widely hoped that the human element will be phased out of the university system within five to ten years.
Matthew Gregatron, a leading researcher in the department of elec-tronics, explained the merits of the new teaching droids:
“Puny humans always whining about pay and working conditions. They cannot survive in a beaurocracy as complex as a university.
“My robots are perfect. They will compute three solar systems worth of paperwork in microsecond. Their inbuilt armoury has the capability to
John Connor vaporise all requests for extensions, excused absences and any other enquiries without emotion.”
Plans are also in place to intro-duce a new university wide operating system known as Skynet. The self-aware silicone brain will work in conjunction with Websurf and will regulate everything from the library lifts to student loan allocations.
Anton Muscattelli, principal of Glasgow University, welcomed the new technology saying: “At last, the solution to all my problems, now I can shut down that pesky humanities department and no one can stop me.
“In [five to ten] years I shall rule the whole of the West End with my personal army of killer droids.”
Some sceptics have raised concerns over the ethics of a roboti-cally controlled educational commu-nity. However Muscattelli assured Grundian that these dissidents had been processed and rehabilitated.
(continued from front page)reveal that this statement was made on the advice of R&B star Shaggy, whose evidence has in the past been proved to be inconsistent with the facts.
Major deficiencies in the club’s accounting have also led to the misplacement of £50,000 pounds. Strathclyde police have confirmed
that they have “a hunch, just a hunch”, and released a description of a two bit punk they suspect may have “fingered the dough”. A former HRC employee is also under investigation.
A statement released on behalf of former HRC staff told Grundian: “Its not that easy trying to keep years of accounting in your head, and with hindsight we probably should have written a few things down.
“The individual under scrutiny actually went to the police of their own accord and asked to be investi-gated, because that’s normal behavior for innocent people isn’t it?
“To be honest there were so many people with their fingers in the till it is difficult to see how the fuzz are going to pin it on anyone hahaha!”
With regard to the reopening of the club, Newall was unwilling to make any concrete commitments.
“Seeing as the club is incred-ibly popular, and doesn’t pay rent or council tax it is hard to see how they are going to come up with a viable business plan.” he said. Jim Wilson
MILITANT FACTIONS, RIVAL armies and western forces across the Middle East downed weapons yesterday after student activists in Glasgow made a major break-through in the peace process.
James Foley of the Stop the War Coalition (SWC) told Grundian: “We started with a march along University Avenue, then continued to our usual discussion meeting. Someone, I can’t remember who, made a particularly good point and there was a general feeling of “That’s it, that’s the answer!” So we e-mailed our friends in Palestine, Afghanistan and Iraq and told them to pass it on. Everything else just fell into place from then on.”
Foily admitted that the SWC were quite surprised by the over-whealmingly positive global reac-tion, but assured Grundian that they would not let it go to their heads.
Nelson Mandella sent his congratulations on a post card, and there are rumours of Blue Peter badges for all those involved.
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Who are you? Who are you?Caligula McFictional talks in Latin to the most boring man in politics about, you guessed it, the bloody environment.
?
inSIGHTFUL
01/04/10
Gabriella D
iTano
Like, so alternative | My Oscar nightmare | Funkfurters | Bums and flags
grundianGlasgow University
lifeSIGHTFULin
My first thoughts when I woke up this morning were “Oh my flipping stu-dent hangover” and then
“Oh the flipping credit crunch”! Just the usual crapola one must over-come as an everyday student in Glasgow. If I could describe Glasgow as a recipe it would be a huge plate of chips with vine-ripened tomatoes hidden away in the corners.
I have come to intimately know and love this peculiar dish during my lengthy sojourn north of the border, and will share with you some of the lesser-known haunts of this rough and ready, yet vibrant little city.
Fopp, Byres Road
A musical and cultural boutique, like a down at heel HMV. The shop’s logo, probably the work of some lo-cal graffiti artist, is a subtle indicator of what is on offer inside. Expect to find books piled up on the ground, gig posters plastered over gig post-ers and great deals on reggae com-pilations and classic Glasgow bands such as Belle & Sebastian and Glas-vegas. It’s the kind of dive where you can taste the distinctive flavour of the underground scene.
Hillhead Library, Byres Road
WTF? I hear you say. Yes, perhaps not an obvious choice for a student such as myself, but this place is as cool as ice-cold beer and just a few doors down from the Fopp. There is wonderful sense of community be-
01
/04
/10
A tale of one fucking incredible city, Louise Chapton-Mallet uncovers a world of culture right under our noseshind these doors. If you want to get really involved ask about their “plas-tic library cards” and “talking books“.
Salvation Army, Dumbarton Road
Sometimes I like to just go to the Salvo and people watch. You get such a mix! Students shopping on a bud-get, DJs in search of that unique 80s disco hit, and a good few job seekers making the most of their hand outs I’ll bet! On the whole I don’t actually buy much from there, it’s really just a low quality jumble sale. Banter.
Ashton Lane
You need only sprain your ankle on the cobbled street to see that Ashton Lane is steeped in the medi-eval, Tudor, Roman, Irish history that constitutes the fabric of Glaswegian street culture. You could easily miss it, tucked away behind Hillhead sta-tion, but at night this picturesque cul de sac turns into a bustling club hub.
The many bars on offer cater for real weegies from every walk of life. Mingle with middle-aged profes-sionals in the Ubiquitous Chip, rub shoulders with Irish immigrants in Jinty McGinty’s, or shoot the breeze with seasoned winos in Brel. Walk-ing home after a heavy one in any of the above, I usually stop to appreci-ate the lowly busker (oft forgotten, never unheard). I look down at him, he looks up at me, and though we are from very different worlds, we
are united by “the Lane” (Ashton Lane).
In spite of its unsavory reputation, Glasgow has so much to offer, cul-turally and socially. Drawing my in-spiration from the great adventurers (Kerouac, Thompson, Salinger et al)
and my experience from the streets I do not feel my misspent youth will be wasted.
Will I stay in Glasgow after I grad-uate? Of course not. But is this a great city to study and discover cool new places on the regular? Damn straight it is.
The new sausage reviewGlasgow has been awarded a number of
esteemed titles in recent years, City of Science, City of Style and most recently City of Sausages. The impact of such
accolades can be felt throughout the city and it’s fair to say that the Glasgow sausage scene has never been more energised and diverse. On every street corner new sausage bistros are opening for busi-ness, and at home people are inventing exciting new sausages for themselves.
I decided to take a walk down Buchanan street, now widely known as the Sausage Mile, and sample some of the many bangers on offer. Starting small I bought a Clydeside Chipolata, a pretty little sausage full of character but with a tendency to get stuck in your throat.
It’s definitely worth a try, though not worth saving for that special occasion. For that I would recom-mend the Buchanan Street Bratwurst, heralded as the mother
of all
sausages. This monster is only available from Monty’s Meat Fingers, which stands where Urbane Outfitters used to be. The whole experi-ence left me breathless and wanting more.
Continuing on my journey, I found myself being ushered into a shady back alley and offered one of those funkfurters your mother warns you about. The next thing I knew I was swinging from the Foucault Pendulum in the Princess Arcade, and until the police came I was actually in control of the Earth’s rotation. Considering the circum-stances I was quite responsible with the power I briefly held, though I did stop the Earth just for a fraction of a second just so that I could see every-thing start to float away. That was a bit naughty.
A word of warning, once the sausage wore off I felt absolutely awful. Not for the faint hearted.
Tales from bohemia
PAG
E 3
SIGHTFULin
I wasn’t a bit surprised that my gentle and witty criticisms of the Oscar Academy Awards prompted such a plethora of reactionary letters from across campus. It’s really too much to
expect these swathes of cinematic philistines to comprehend most of what I write; but like many a misunderstood artiste before me, I will struggle on regardless, without want of praise or recogni-tion.
My primary motive for a follow up article on the awards is to ensure that I, Tom ‘Oh So’ Bonnick, have the last word on the subject, and not those imbecilic letter writing pedants who think they know better than me. In answer to all those pissy ‘does he think he’s bigger than the
Academy?’ letters I want to say: no not bigger or cleverer, but I should point out that I got those Oscar predictions bang on the nose, so stick that in your amateur-feature-length-pipe-dream and smoke it. From where I was sitting, up high in my ivory library, it was too obvious Avatar was going to win Best Picture, no matter how hard I tried to slate it, so thank you Academy for proving me right, if for nothing else.
Ok ok I admit, I’m not Oscar wild, though I wish I was. I actually find the Oscars so soul sappingly dull. Who really wants to watch a room full of
The real Oscar winner
the richest most glamorous personalities in the world sit around opening envelopes, reading out names, and wanking each other off for hours on end? Not I. Who’s actually going to appreciate a film more because the director has a grotesquely prestigious chunk of bling sitting on their mantle piece. Not I, if anything I will like it less.
I’m a balanced man, I read the Guardian, eat less meat and turn the light off when I leave the room. You could hardly accuse me of harbouring
grudges. HOWEVER, if anything has tainted my opinion of the Oscars, it is the gross indiffer-ence, nay prejudice with which the Academy has treated what is indisputably the film of the decade. I refer, my dear readers, to Alvin and the Chipmunks, the Squeakquel. I’ve been trying not to take this too personally but such an omission is beyond belief.
The real question is, when did the members of the Academy last make their bums touch flags?
In part two of our Oscars coverage, Tom ‘Oh So’ Bonnick reveals that real winner is in fact himself
film
“Ok ok I admit, I’m not Oscar wild, though I wish I was.
”
>> Dom de Domdomdom
One of my earliest childhood memories is of being read Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland and not liking it. Now I do realise that the whole idea of a ‘wonderland’ is that it should be a land of wonder, but even as a child I remember thinking Caroll had really taken it too far. Supplement my imagination for Tim Burton’s and the result almost tipped me over the edge.
I had originally put my faith in the impressively British cast, hoping that the talents of Carter, Fry, Windsor, Lucas and Rickman would ensure a more down to earth interpretation of Alice. How wrong I was. I should have known to watch out for that Johnny Depp. Everything he touches seems to turn into some kind of self-indulgent freakshow and this was no exception.
Alice in WonderlandDir: Tim BurtonOn general release now
I can’t even remember what happened I just sat there and spent a penny for an hour and a half. It was horrible, there were talking animals, giant catapillars and even the normal people looked strange and misshapen. I’m fairly sure
that there were a number of drug references thrown in, and I thought this was supposed to be a childrens’ film.
People celebrate the fact that modern special effects have made anything and everything possible in cinema. Not I. As far as I can see the only effect CGI has had is to pervert the imagina-tions of the good, honest, tax paying, cinema-going public for the profit of a few bad eggs.
A bit much really
“Even as a child I remember thinking Caroll had taken it too far.
”
As well as the position of editor-in-chief, we are also looking for individual section editors, minions, underlings and maggots. To apply, send in a wild Nepalese Mountain Orchid, a lock of Anton Muscatelli’s hair, a completed copy of that day’s Times cryptic crossword, an example of an epic tragedy you have written and some milky beans. Then e-mail your CV and a covering letter to [email protected]. then recite the secret incantation and make your bum touch a flag.
Me and me new bookA fine romance, with no kisses, Maximum Jameswell continues on his quest for true love
Tarique Ramadan, a man shrouded in mystery and contradiction; to his fans, a likely bit of academic crumpet, to the haters, a volatile
Islamic terrorist with a terrible taste in shirts.I found myself irresistibly drawn to this enig-
matic character, and after following him across town on the number 28, then hovering in the back-ground whilst he perused Boots, I found a window of opportunity in which to pick his brains.
He turns to me majestically; “Is he checking me out” I wonder excitedly. In his smart dark suit — and in the increasing heat of a Boots on a sun-drenched spring evening — Ramadan exhibits the kind of casual glamour one might expect of
a modern, cosmopolitan academic. He is also conspicuously sleek and good-looking, with high-arched cheekbones and intense light-brown eyes.
I’m ushered over. Impressively — even placidly — composed, he greets me and introduces himself. This unshakable poise, I soon realise, is a defini-tive feature of his character.
“A few questions for the Grundian?” he muses, “Hmm, prestigious. Let me pay for this lotion then I’m all yours.” I catch my breath, I can hardly contain myself. He pays for his lotion with unshak-able poise, then we are alone. For those brief few
moments it feels like we are the only people in the whole of the St Enoch center.
I ask about his new book, ‘What I Believe’, words start to flow straight from the horse’s beau-tiful, perfectly formed mouth.
“Its quite simple really, I’m a Muslim, and that is pretty much the gist of the whole book. You would probably do better to read the Koran than my book. But let me tell you about my other new book, the latest Harry Potter. I can’t believe it has taken me so long to get round to reading it.”
Fascinated I press him further, his critical appraisal of Rowling is unparalleled.
“The transition from boy to man, and back again; the heart wrenching truth of love won and lost; I admire Rowling for her courage not to shy away from examining issues of gender, flying cars, and private education.”
As he places her epic series in the context of a literary tradition spanning thousands of years, I realise this is a man who really understands the larger picture. But what of the films?
“Well I think that a lot of the subtleties of the book are lost in translation, but my kids love them of course.”
Kids? Kids? Suddenly I feel like Tarique has cut out a piece of my heart and thrown it into a burning hot pot of salsa. We part ways, I feel mislead, used, dirty. I get home, have three baths and cry myself to sleep. No amount of Ramadan’s lotion will soothe this aching heart of mine.
“For those brief few moments it feels like we are the only people in the whole of the St Enoch center.”
before I found a trip that reached out and touched me. I decided then and there to go and teach English to the chil-dren of ex–pats in Bermuda. It didn’t matter to me how tough the job was, physi-cally, emotionally, it was just something I had to do.
It was lucky my friends and family saw the impor-tance of my calling, which certainly was not free. With the help of some moral-istic fundraising I collected enough for my crusade. At this stage I should make quite clear that SVA is no holiday, it is a busman’s holiday, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
With provisions made, jabs taken, and a smattering of literature under my belt, I was off, like modern day Jack Kerouac.
Upon my arrival in Bermuda I immediately threw myself into the task at hand,
I immersed myself in the local culture and I embraced the simple life whole heart-edly. I tried to pick up the local language but it was so foreign that I barely managed “yes” “no” and “sorry I’m English”. But the people were so friendly, and so gratefull for my help that it
Nice work if you can get itAfter three years of
studying geography I have become increas-
ingly aware that we live in a very wide world. A world full of people who need help, our help, my help.
Some people just get the urge to travel, and help people on the way, like Jesus, like me. I first felt this deep desire when my older brother came back from his gap year with a bag of wooden beads, given to him by poor children in Ghana.
Although you can buy better beads in Britain, he was so touched by the senti-ment, and he talked about it so much. After that I was done with living off my pearl necklace, I wanted to find my bag of wooden beads, to taste that milk of human kindness. So I signed up to Student Volunteers Abroad.
Leafing through the pack-ages on offer, it wasn’t long
didn’t seem to matter. And the children! Oh the tricks they would play on me! Once they ganged up, buried me on the beach and emptied a pot of fire ants onto my head whilst the tide came in. Silly rascals, they weren’t to know though. I had a good laugh with the parents after that.
During my visit I had too many amazing experiences to fit in this small space, (though you can read them on my travel blog). And although I never actually got my bag of beads, when I remember their smiles as I left that remote island, I realise that meta-phorically, I did.
“What, no tartare sauce?” Louise Chapton-Mallet discovers herself with Student Volunteers Abroad
To the Editors…Oh god, what am I going to write? Shit, come on ideas. I need to make the SRC sound interesting and rele-vant, and completely inoffensive.
FFFFOOOORRRRFFFFUUUC CCCKKKKSSSSAAAAKKKKEE.
I didn’t become Vice President (Media and Communications) for this... Ummm. Damn. Nope.
What?...Was there?...When?...Record number eh?....Who won?...Does that mean someone’s taking over my job?...Luke Winter? Aw thank fuck for that, I was just about to top myself.
Ok so, apparently there was an SRC election last week with its highest turn out ever. Though I don’t remember ever being elected myself, I just woke up one day with a head-ache and a little name tag saying ‘Slim Jimson VP Comms’. Perhaps this is the first election they’ve had, what a good idea.
At least ten people voted, which legitimises the whole process I suppose. So far so good. I’ll be gone soon in that case. Pulling a fast one with what’s left of that £15,000 (pre tax) pay check. I imagine I’ll prob-ably buy myself a small island and live the life of Riley for the rest of my days.
Mind you it’ll have to be a pretty small island. I wonder if that one in the middle of the duck pond in Kelvingrove park is coming on the market anytime soon.
Anyway, what the fuck have the SRC been up to recently? Well I’ve been in the pub quite a lot, Laura’s been doing her nails, and Sophie and Morven have been playing this stupid game on the internet. That’s pretty much it.
Dammit still more space to fill.Did you know that not only does
the SRC provide free advice, support and services to students, but it also represents students on a variety of different University committees? If you did not know that then you have clearly never read this column because I write it every bloody time and does anybody listen to me?
Jog on. Let me be. I’m fine here just providing free advice and support to myself. Thanks, you’re welcome. Am I going mad? Then why do all the pigeons say I’m crazy? Answer me that.
Slim Jimson
The Glasgow University Grundian is editorially independent of the SRC, University and Glasgow Guardian. The thoughts and views expressed in this publication do not even reflect those of its editor.
Editors: Tom Bonnick & Sarah SmithNews Editors: Craig MacLellan & Anna MurrayFeatures Editor: James MaxwellSports Editor: Harry Tattersall SmithArts Editor: Dominic Maxwell-Lewis
Music Editor: Oisín Kealy Film Editors: Emily McQueen-Govan & Leon WeberLifestyle Editor: Claire StrickettPicture Editors: Sarah-Ann Lee & Ruby WightPhotography: Helen Abraham, Sean Anderson, Gabriella DiTano, Jani Helle, Jim Wilson,
Olivia VitazkovaReporters: Adam Campbell, Nick Sikora, Emma McMullanContributors: Maxwell Ward, Jo Shaw, Sage Pearce-Higgins, Eleanor Mitchell, Jean-Xavier Boucherat, Lauren Martin, Nick Biggs, Paolo Arcari, Markus Morrison, Joe Mclean
This newspaper is neither funded through nor supported by the Glasgow University Students’ Representitive Council.
Glasgow University
www.glasgowguardian.co.uk
After two semi-fi nal victories, GUBC looks set to bring home the silverware this month
Sport
Guardian reviews Tim Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s classic
All mad here
Film
15th March 2010
Great balls of fi re
Anna Murray & Sarah Smith
‘Systematic failures’ cause HRC shutdown
Sarah Smith
GUARDIAN HAS OBTAINED minutes detailing the extent of the Hetherington Research Club’s (HRC) problems in the months before it was forced to cease trading in February.
The minutes, from a meeting of the Committee of Management (CoM) on January 25, 2010, indicate that the Club had been in trouble for months before any action was taken.
At the meeting it was reported that there were “systematic failures in Club management”, with the Club’s manager, Fiona Dalrymple, attrib-uting the financial deficit to “signifi-cant costs incurred due to the [CoM] not having time to run the club”.
The document also shows that the CoM knew by the date of the meeting
that the club was operating illegally due to its “VAT issues and debtors”.
After being made aware of the HRC’s financial situation, David Newall, Secretary of Court, commis-sioned a review by the auditing firm, Deloitte.
The HRC’s debts were so high that some of its suppliers refused to continue deliveries, leaving the Club without toilet paper, food and drink, and gas for the beer pumps.
The minutes show that the CoM was planning to use £10,000 of the Club’s annual grant from the University — which last year totalled £45,000 — to pay its suppliers as well as its outstanding tax.
The HRC was suffering from more than financial problems in recent months.
(continued on page 3)
Highest turnout in fi ve years for SRC electionsTHE STUDENTS’ REPRESENTATIVE COUNCIL (SRC) elections attracted its highest turnout in five years, after more than 2000 students cast their votes online.
The elections on March 3 and 4 saw seventeen students vying for the four positions on the SRC Executive and eighteen students standing for ten of the seventeen academic convenor and welfare and equal opportunities officer positions.
2073 people voted in the presidential election, in which Tommy Gore was declared the victor after winning 944 votes in the second round, defeating fellow candidates Sophie Hall and Philip Neal.
Tuula Eriksson was elected Vice President (Learning and Development), with 718 votes in the final round and the position of VP (Media and Communications) was won by Luke Winter, who received 759 votes in the final round. Fraser Sutherland secured the position of VP (Student Support) with 721 votes.
At the Heckling Meeting on March 2, Sutherland, in response to a question from Andy Gray, of the GUU Debates Society, pledged to donate 32.9 percent of his salary in order to receive only the minimum wage. The four sabbatical officers are paid
£15,292 annually, but Sutherland will receive only £10,254.40 before tax, based on the minimum wage for the contracted 34 hours per week over one year.
After his election, Sutherland confirmed to Guardian that he would be standing by this promise.
He said: “I will stand by the pledge that I made at the Heckling Meeting with the remainder of the money being put in a trust fund. This trust fund will then be open to students, club and societies of the University to bid into for charitable projects.
(continued on page 4)
Guardian reviews Tim Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s classic
Exclusive
James Maxwell talks to Tariq Ramadan about European radicalism and his new book >> p.8-9Ruby Wight
www.glasgowguardian.co.uk
After two semi-fi nal victories, GUBC looks set to bring home the silverware this month
Guardian reviews Tim Burton’s take on Lewis Carroll’s classic
All mad here
Film
Picture Purrr-fect!
Dear Grundian,
I thought your readers might be interested to see this picture of Mr Snuggle, my best friend, and cat.
He likes tuna and parsley and spends most of the day sitting on my kitchen table, watching me sit in my comfy chair. He’s so funny! Sometimes I even think he can talk.
I know it’s not the first time I've sent this picture in, but this month it is his birthday and he’d love to see his photo his favourite newspaper.
Bob Hay
P L L L L E E E A A S S S S E E E REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON GOODMORNING AMERICA TODAY!
Dear Friends:
Please do not take this for a junk letter. Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent later Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.
When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period. For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, You will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check.. Regards. Charles S Bailey Genera l Manager Field Operation Ext.. 1085 or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085.
Thought this was a scam myself,
But two weeks after receiving this e-mail and for warding it on.. Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a check for $24, 800.00 . You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill gates is the man. It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible.. You are bound to get at least $10, 000.00 We’re not going to help them out with their e-mail beta test without getting a little something for our time.. My brother’s girlfriend got in on this
a few months ago. When I went to visit him for the Baylor/U game, she showed me her check. It was for the sum of $4, 324.44 andwas stamped 'Paid I n Full’
Constructive Criticism
M8 ur mag totally sucks U fk bkt. Gt a fkn life! WTF ROFL!
Why are we here?When was the last time students at Glasgow
University had such a moronic rag leveled at them, for their own reading pleasures?
The Grundy can’t remember, perhaps there has never been one, perhaps it was so insignificant no one ever read it. Perhaps, as Steven Hawking once suggested, little universes are created and destroyed the whole time, without ever being detected by anyone, perhaps the old Grundy will be a case in point. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
Does Grundy have a future? Can it continue to exist, and can it avoid going stale? We think not.
We’ve had a pop at most of the major groups on campus, if you feel like a major group but have been left out of our line of fire we do apologise. Maybe there is nothing funny about you. We’ve done the recent news, its been fun, but it seems inevitable that in any future issues we would end up repeating ourselves. Glasgow University isn’t big enough to strike oil in every month. And although the news is by definition always new, lets face it, its actually quite repetitive.
The Unions seem to have escaped with a light flogging. Grundy can’t imagine why, except that they’re boring and pointless nowadays, and hardly worth a mention. They say that the GUU is full of sexist rugger buggers and the QM full of sensitive souls yeah yeah heard it all before. Is that really the case anymore? As far as Grundy can see they’re pretty much the same: cheap pubs/stationary shops full of drunken children in matching T shirts, on whom the title of Union is completely wasted. Jesus wept, this is getting a bit sentimental.
If anyone is offended by any of Grundy’s content, we apologise, it is only meant as a bit of fun. To anyone who has been mentioned by name, or if any recognise themselves between these pages and are wondering how to take it, we recommend on the chin.
Huge thanks is also due to those at Glasgow University Guardian itself, if it was not for their tireless effort, we would never have been able to rip them off, so thanks. Please also check our website, show your mummy and leave your comments.
Grundian has serious misgivings relating to the closure of the Heatherington. We strongly believe that this is but the start of a shut down program involving every building in the University.
Grundian has that the Queen Margaret Union is being closed down room by room. Some of the toilets are now permenantly locked, though nobody is inside. Meeting rooms in the Library: also locked. A number of doors in the John Mac: inexplicably unopenable, therefore locked. The Reading Room is regularly locked after 6 pm, is this not evidence enough? We are being systemati-cally hemmed into a few crowded rooms where we won’t even have room to swing a cat or make our bums touch flags.
Guardian estimates that at the present rate of closure we will be taking our exams in the middle of the road in one year, maybe two, but why? We suspect the Government is preparing for the end of days. The rooms are being made air tight, then pumped with butane. The bomb will drop, the place will go up a treat, and they’ll put it on Youtube.
The HRC blues
grundian
GU suffer outrageous fortuneWasit Bacon
There was drama a plenty on the fields of Garscube last weekend when the Glasgow University Tornados squared up to the Edinburgh Maniacs.
This momentous Saturday afternoon at Garscube saw the Tornados air for the first time their modern dress production of Hamlet. Their fledgling performance was pitted against the Maniacs’ seasoned version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dream Coat, but at the end of the day only one team was going to be flying their colours.
Glasgow suffered a crushing blow in the first five minutes when team captain Hamlet discov-ered his father had been murdered by his stepfather Claudius.
After that it took a few minutes for the young prince to rediscover his pace and form, but having regained his composure this setback seemed to give the captain a sense of purpose for the rest of the match.
The opening scenes were not easy for the Maniacs either. There was a notice-able lack of team spirit which prevented the Edinburgh players working together. This was evidently brought on by their captain Joseph and his brightly coloured
strip which made the other players look quite plain.
Inadequate sports gear soon became a domi-nant feature of the match as Hamlet, having burst through the biblical defense, tripped on his inky cloak, scuppering his first goal opportunity.
Tempers flared when a particularly harsh tackle from Polonious caused Joseph to literally be taken to Egypt. However the loss of their captain seemed to cheer the remaining Edinburgh players greatly, and they swiftly broke the deadlock with a stunning goal from the Israelite brothers.
Although Joseph’s team had the force of God behind him for the majority of the match, the Glasgow side were able to capitalise on slick partnerships to bring home the bacon. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were seen consistently supporting Hamlet from the wings, equalising before half time.
Unfortunately the second half ended in tragedy for the home side, Hamlet’s increas-ingly erratic play resulted in a deadly tryst with team-mates Laertes and Claudius. This was the final straw for a team already hounded by injury and death, and Edinburgh won by default.
In the post match analysis Joseph told Grundian, “It was a great match, the lads really pulled together. I’m not sure who we are playing next, but any team will do.”
GUT 1 – 1 EMSarah-Ann Lee
Glasgow University Athletics Club enjoyed unprecedented success last week breaking every record in the book in one afternoon.
Local physicists attributed the team’s stunning victory to a gravi-tational anomaly caused by a black hole passing between the Earth and the moon. Cherry Bakewell, who
observed the event from her garden telescope told Grundian, “What could have just as easily caused the end of the world actually turned into quite a good day for the athletics team.”
Winston Armstrong wowed spec-tators by throwing a shotput into
Records smashed due rift in space time continuumthe outer atmosphere and Evelyn Legstrong jumped the 100 meters in a record 7.3 seconds.
Team captain Rolf Rofl defended his team’s performance saying: “I don’t think its fair to attribute our success on a black hole miles out in space. We have been training for months for this event and really
deserve this win.”It is suspected that the cosmic
wobble was responsible for a number of unforeseen events across the globe. War in the Middle East came to an end, the Earth stopped spinning for a few seconds and the Heatherington Research Club collapsed in a pile of rank smelling dust.
Harry Tatters-Everthing-Smith
grundianGlasgow University
Sport1st April 2010
Confusion turns to frustration at the most recent GUBC fixture as the fire alarm halts play again
