The notorious Leeds wind strikes again. Never the sunniest or brightest place - it can be grim up north, Leeds has more than it’s fair share of wind. Even with all the previous history of the relationship between Leeds and the force of nature - no one would have expected this.

With repeated incidents of people getting swept up and thrown around the sky, the wind in Leeds is becoming an increasing area of concern. Leeds council is prepared to take action.

“We’re thinking about creating a massive barrier, basically we’re gonna cave in Leeds. No one leaves Leeds, no one comes in. No wind comes in either, well hopefully not. It worked in The Simpsons Movie, so it should indeed work for us. It didn’t look windy there so it won’t be windy here. In the tough economic climate we’re in at the moment a huge glass barrier around

Leeds is top priority.” said councillor Steven Sykes.

“We became concerned when Janine just didn’t come home, we were expecting her home from tea but she never arrived. Only till we turned on the news did we realise that something serious was up here. We saw Janine flying past in the background when we were watching BBC Weather in the evening. She was a long bloody way from Leeds.” said Kathy Bates, a married mother of three from Leeds.

It turns out Kathy and Janine aren’t the only ones affected by the extreme weather in Leeds. There have been people sightings in the sky as far south as Dover. Missing lectures seemed to be the least of their worries.

It’s not all bad news though, some students seem to enjoy it - Jack of Leeds College of Art only has praise,

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“I’m too broke to pay for a taxi nowadays, so I just get up and catch the 8am gale to uni. Good times, I land right outside the door and I’ve never been late so far.” He feels some people are just too negative and pessimistic when it comes to this new phenomena affecting Leeds, “People moan too much. when it’s too sunny people moan. When it’s too cold people moan. Just deal with it. Look at the bright side”

Interesting times lie ahead. “Wrap up well and eat well over your calorie allowance. More weight means less unwanted flight. Brace yourselves people of Leeds.” warned Steven Sykes, councillor of Leeds.

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Always a place full of interesting personalities, Oceana continues to make a name for itself. Jeremy Kyle, the world famous tv personality and arguable tool is now using Oceana as a means of scouting talent for his popular ITV show, ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’. Always a man looking for new avenues and opportunities, Jeremy has opted to send his assistant Graham on a few nights out in Oceana to see if he can pick up any talented individuals to interview on television.

We managed to reach Jeremy Kyle for comment on the unfolding news story. As always he was a charming and humble individual, “Graham does all the work anyway, I just shout at them on screen for a few minutes. So Graham’s off to do the serious stuff. I think I’m the greatest thing to happen to Leeds.”

An ITV executive

was also available for comment on the developments, “We’ve got a pretty strict selection process when it comes to our show. It’s becoming increasingly hard to find talent for the show, pretty much everyone has been on it by now. Everyone needs to be a certain type of individual. They need to have severe acne, they need to be agressive, they need to be rude, they need to be a firm fan of Reebok classics and most importantly of all they need to be able to fail lie detector tests we set them. Oceana seems to be almost too good to be true.”

There are also rumours that if the project is a success, ITV may hold a few festive specials using the Oceana premises as an actual set for the show.

More as this unfolds.

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Graphic design students at Leeds College of Art and the caretaker staff at the premises have notoriously never got on. Graphic designers simply seem to be unable to leave the studio. One student was quoted as saying, “I’d rather be in this studio than anywhere else in the world, even Hull.” We’re not sure if we agree with the student but we too would much rather be in the studio instead of Hull.

All studios and the college locks up at 9pm on most weekdays, apart from Fridays. A handful of focused ‘BAGD’ers’ working away in the studio till closing time. The caretakers and students understandably aren’t on each others christmas card list, the sight of a caretaker slowly working towards the studio signals the death of the students workflow. “These caretakers are like the grim reaper of graphic design” explained a nervous

David.

Last week, though, things may have got out of hand. A graphic design student, who has chosen not to reveal his identity apparently refused to pack up and leave the studio. The caretakers also refused to budge.

Our undercover reporter managed to make a sound recording on his phone. The caretakers were heard shouting

“Right, that’s it. I’ve had it with you arty lot. I’m ringing the boys, we’ll show you what real manly men do. You’re off.”

A startled voice can be heard, “We’re not scared, hello, you there? Come down here lads. Get out of the mac suite, shit’s popping off here in Studio 2.”

Our undercover reporter then described the following events as a sort of make-shift ‘royal rumble’ match

reminiscent of the heyday of WWF/E. The caretakers and students squared off in the studio with no weapons such as metal rulers and cutting mats allowed.

The prime objective of the game was to throw each other out of the studio door, as soon as both hands or feet touched the ground outside, they were eliminated. The students went up against the caretakers, if the students or the caretakers were the last team standing, they had won. The students would then be able to have the studio for their own doings and the caretakers would humbly accept defeat.

Mr Alsopp the health and safety officer acted as the special guest referee.

Tune into Volume 2, where we will tell you the winner of this historic event that took place in the summer of 2012.

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