Mindful Discipline Helping Children Develop into

Self-Aware, Self-Directed Problem-Solvers

Greg Gero, Ph.D. School Discipline Conference

Niagara Falls, Canada July 2015

Find a Partner

Partner A Partner B

Most of the talking (lecture)

Makes demand: “You will not ______ !

Engages in a confrontation

Plays the role of enforcer

Confronting authority

Getting in trouble

Punishment

Anger at or approval from adult

Traditional Model: Child Focuses on Confronting Authority

The Adult The Child

Guiding Principles

1.  We want children to develop into successful, self-aware, and self-directed individuals

2.  Children learn when they reflect on their own behavior.

Mindful Discipline: Relationships

The False Dichotomy Strict: “Don’t smile for the first two weeks.” “If you’re nice, they’ll walk all over you.”

Lenient: Be the child’s friend. If you’re strict, they won’t like you. If they don’t like you, they won’t listen to you.

Long-term solution? Connection to students?

Respect? Sense of security?

An Alternative: Caring, Confident, and Firm

�  Energy matters

�  Comfort with your authority

�  Quiet confidence

�  Underlying care for children

�  Positive assumptions

�  Situated “beyond” episodes

Key Ideas:

#1: It’s not about you… It’s about what the child needs!

#2: Can you be the adult that child needs you to be?

Relationship Traps Possible Reasons

Friendship Convenience Wanting to be liked

Opponent Confrontation Personal/Ego Involvement

Peer Drawn into confrontation Manipulation

The Adult’s Role in Mindful Discipline

The Relationship Children Need with an Adult…

Is characterized by: Can have elements of:

Confidence, stability, security Trust Acceptance

Friendship Confrontation Partnership

Reflect…

An Authoritarian

Uncomfortable with Authority

Think about an adult in your life who had a significantly

positive impact on your life. Was this person…

Caring, Confident, And Firm

• How well did they connect with children?

• How did children behave?

Where do

you fit in?

Most of the talking (lecture)

Makes demand: “You will not ______ !

Engages in a confrontation

Plays the role of enforcer

Confronting authority

Getting in trouble

Punishment

Anger at or approval from adult

Traditional Model: Child Focuses on Confronting Authority

The Adult The Child

An Alternative Model: Helping a Child Reflect on Behavior

The Adult:

• Paraphrases the behavior

• Remains above confrontation

• Asks reflective questions

• Plays role of caring facilitator

The child thinks…

• What did I do?

• Was it appropriate?

• What do my peers think?

• What will I do next time?

Holding up the Mirror Paraphrase and ask questions that confront the child

with his/her behavior -So, you wanted another popsicle, and you thought it was okay to grab it from her.

-I’ve noticed that you have a hard time taking turns. You really like to be first. But did you see the faces of the kids who are still waiting? What might they be thinking?

-So as long as you think it’s fun, it’s okay to put him down.

I’m sure you have a good reason for disrupting the class. Explain this to me?

-Between now and the end of the day, how many times will you interrupt the lesson?

Mindful Discipline: Protocols

Investigate First

�  Talk to witnesses

�  Talk to victims

�  Check discipline records

Mindful Discipline: The 5-Step Protocol

Acknowledge

Confront

Acknowledge

Prevent

Child acknowledges

behavior

Adult confronts child with questions

Adult acknowledges

child’s difficulty

Adult asks questions about the

future

Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4

Restore

Child has opportunity to

repair the harm

Step 5

Review

Briefly describe the 5-Step Protocol to

Partner A

Add any details you remember to this

description

Partner B

Partner A

Step 1: Acknowledge Key Elements:

•  Make sure child does the talking

•  Do not lecture, tell, or preach

•  Do not move on to Step 2 until child has

acknowledged his/her behavior

Begin with: “Why are you here?”

Sometimes, child will acknowledge immediately

If so, move on to Step 2,

“Confront”

However,…

Tools and Techniques

If… Then…

Child begins with “He…!” Interrupt and redirect: “Begin with ‘I’….”

Child makes excuses for behavior

Play devil’s advocate: “So it was totally appropriate when you grabbed…”

Child only brings up other behaviors that were justified

Direct and Question: “That’s not why you’re here. You did something that caused you to be sent here. What was it?”

Child seems anxious about acknowledging behavior

Lower Anxiety: “Did you make any mistakes? What were they?”

Child seems unwilling to acknowledge

Provide Time and Disengage: “You might need some time to think about this. Have a seat and let me know when you think you’ve figured out why you’re here.”

Helping a Child Acknowledge Behavior

Step 2: Confront

Ask questions that confront the child by addressing:

Appropriateness -And that seems okay? -And that seems fair? -And that seems nice?

Peers -What do you think the others will say? -Is this okay with her? Ask her. -What does he do when he doesn’t win? -So this is your way of making friends?

Key Elements: •  Ask questions and paraphrase the behavior •  Make sure child does most of the talking •  Do not lecture, tell, or preach •  Do not move on to Step 3 until child has acknowledged the

impact of the behavior, or why the behavior was not okay

Practice �  Partner A: Adult

�  Partner B: Child

Partner B: During recess, you were playing kickball and it was your turn to be the pitcher. Tony grabbed the ball and said it was his turn to pitch. You pushed Tony and grabbed the ball. Tony fell down and told the yard supervisor.

Partner A: •  Help Partner B acknowledge the behavior (“Why are you here?”) •  Confront the behavior by paraphrasing and asking questions •  Avoid lecturing

Step 3: Acknowledge

Make a statement that communicates empathy:

Key Elements: •  Build rapport through empathy •  Acknowledge the difference between the child and the

behavior •  Presume Positivity: Growth and “Goodness” •  Lift beyond the context of the isolated incident

Example Statements

“You’ve had a hard time managing your impulsivity.”

“You’ve had a difficult time managing your emotions.”

“You’ve got a lot going on right now.”

“I remember when you were in 2nd grade, and you...”

Step 4: Prevent

Ask questions that prepare the child for the future:

Key Elements: •  Make sure child does the talking •  Do not lecture, tell, or preach •  Recreate likely situations that will challenge the child

Tool Example

Visualize “What will you do the next time someone cuts in front of you?”

Role Play “Let’s practice: I’ll be the kid who cuts in front of you.”

Challenge “But what if he still doesn’t move, and the lunch supervisor doesn’t see? Then it would be okay to push him out of the way, right?”

Set Goals “How many days will you be able to line up without a problem?” -Make sure child sets the goal

Practice �  Partner B: Adult

�  Partner A: Child

Partner A: In class, you refused to do your work and made noises that disrupted the lesson. You’ve acknowledged your behavior.

Partner B: •  Confront the behavior by paraphrasing and asking questions •  Make a statement that acknowledges the difficulty •  Ask questions that will prepare the child for the future

Step 5: Restore

Key Question: “How can you make this right?”

Key Elements: •  Build empathy •  Repair the harm •  Involve the victim/peers

Examples of Restorative Actions and Consequences:

•  Sincere apology (to victim; to group)

•  Written apology; letter

•  Written narrative describing what was learned

•  Fixing or replacing an item

•  Committing service to the community

•  Cleaning the classroom

•  Organizing materials

Step 5: Restore

Tools for Facilitating Restoration

If… Then…

Child comes up with an action or consequence

Ensure that it is appropriate, encourages accountability, and attempts to repair the harm

Child cannot come up with an appropriate action or consequence

Provide 2 or 3 suggestions - Explain how each might repair the harm

The victim comes up with an action or consequence

Ensure that it is appropriate, encourages accountability, and attempts to repair the harm

The victim cannot come up with an appropriate action or consequence

Provide 2 or 3 suggestions - Explain how each might repair the harm

Step 5: Restore

The adult must determine if an action or consequence is reasonable

Consequences are more meaningful if the

child has input

Consequences can be yet more meaningful if the victim has input

However….

Before Involving Victims…

Speak with the victim beforehand

•  Explain the purpose of the conference

•  Ask if he/she will be comfortable

•  Describe possible scenarios (e.g., genuine or insincere apology)

•  Empower the victim- not obligated to accept, believe, shake, etc,

Ensuring that Apologies are Meaningful

Always follow the apology by asking the victim: “Do you think he/she really meant it? How do you know?”

Before an Apology, You Might Say:

If you’re not sorry, then don’t apologize.

Are you sad because you feel bad about getting caught, or because you’ve thought about the impact it had on the victim?

If you want to apologize, how will you say it so that the victim knows you really mean it? (Model sincere/insincere versions)

After you apologize, let’s ask the victim if he/she believes you really meant it.

Don’t Make it Mandatory!

Consequences: Punishment or Teaching?

Origins of the word discipline: instruction; knowledge Latin: discipulus, disciplina English: disciple

Ineffective Uses of Consequences

To cause discomfort

To demonstrate power or authority

Techniques to Reframe Punishment as Teaching

Give an assignment While you’re on the bench, I’d like you to notice students who get angry and how they handle it…

Involve the child What do you think a fair consequence would be? What would you learn?

Involve the victim What do you think a fair consequence would be? What might he/she learn?

Involve parents I’d like you to talk to your parents about what you’ve learned. Write down your thoughts and have them sign it.

How will this define your relationship? Rule enforcer or teacher?

Always follow up the consequence with: “What did you learn?”

Promoting Mindful Discipline

Teach and Acknowledge the Positive

Trustworthiness

Self-regulation

Empathy

Kindness

Be Proactive

Prepare before an incident: - So the last time… - How will you handle it if…?

Set Goals that are: - Realistic - Short-term - Involve the child’s input

Class Meetings

Facilitate discussions that

•  Build community

•  Prepare for conflicts

•  Empower victims

•  Build empathy

Peer Confrontation

5 Keys to Successful Mindful Discipline

1.  Emphasize relationships

2.  Follow the 5 Step Protocol

3.  Turn statements into questions

4.  Stay above the conflict

5.  Role Play

Based on what you have learned today…

What is one thing you want to BEGIN doing?

What is one thing you want to CONTINUE doing?

What is one thing you want to STOP doing?

For further information contact me at:

Greg Gero, Ph.D. ggero1@yahoo.com

Presentation slides available on LinkedIn www.linkedin.com/in/gregpgero