Modern Family - Career Change

MODERN FAMILY

"Career Change"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014 [email protected]

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to atoilet, staring into space.

Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameronclears his throat. The Plumber still doesnt react. Cameronclears his throat a second time. Again no reaction. Cameronknocks on the door. The Plumber looks in the toilet for thesource of the knock.

CAMERONHello?

The Plumber looks at the toilet confused.

PLUMBER(into toilet)

Hi.

CAMERONActually, Im over here by thedoor.

The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.

PLUMBEROh. Right. Hi.

CAMERONUh. How you doing in there?

PLUMBERGood. How are you?

CAMERONIm fine. So, uh, hows my toilet?

PLUMBERGood. How are you?

CAMERONIm also good. So, I guess youredone here.

PLUMBERNo. I still got some work to do onyour toilet.

CAMERONRight. So, uh, whats the status onthat toilet?

2.

PLUMBERWell. In laymans terms, it allbasically comes down to this: yourtoilet isnt working.

CAMERONRight. Do you have a more specificdiagnosis?

PLUMBERWell. Heres the way I see it. Themain problem is that your toiletwont flush.

CAMERONHm. Thats actually the way I seeit, too.

PLUMBEROh. So youre also a plumber?

CAMERONNot quite. I just know a littleabout toilets.

PLUMBEROh. You mean you dabble intoiletry?

CAMERON... Im pretty sure thats not Imean. So, uh, when can you get thetoilet to start flushing?

PLUMBERIll probably be done in about 10minutes, maybe 15.

CAMERONGreat.

He stares into space for five seconds.

CAMERONTake your time.

PLUMBER(into toilet)

I will.

CAMERONIm still over here. Yeah. I didntjump into the toilet at any pointduring our conversation.

3.

PLUMBERRight. Yeah. Im just... a littledistracted.

CAMERONI see.

PLUMBERMy wife.

CAMERONYour wife?

PLUMBERMy wife. I think shes cheating onme.

CAMERONOh. Well. You know. Shes probablynot cheating.

PLUMBERWhat makes you say that?

CAMERONWell. You seem like such a greatcouple.

PLUMBERDo you know us?

CAMERONWell. I know a lot of couples likeyou.

PLUMBERLike us? Youve never even seen mywife.

CAMERONUm. Well. ... Would you like a sodaor something?

PLUMBERIll take a whiskey.

CAMERONI have both Pepsi and Coke.

PLUMBERWhiskey.

4.

CAMERONPepsi?

PLUMBERWhiskey.

CAMERONWell.

(sings to the tune of "LetsCall the Whole Thing Off")

I say Pepsi / You say whiskey

Cameron smiles semi-nervously at the Plumber. The Plumberjust stares back for a few seconds.

CAMERONIts a song.

PLUMBER(sings to the tune of "JackDaniels, If You Please")

"Jack Daniels, if you please /Knock me to my knees." Its a song.

CAMERON(sings to the tune of "TheWhiskey Aint Workin"

"The whiskey aint workinanymore." Thats also a song.

PLUMBERChange the station.

CAMERONUm. How about a nice, refreshingcan of light beer?

PLUMBERHow about a big, dirty bottle ofwhiskey?

CAMERONWhiskey... contains alcohol.

PLUMBERGood.

CAMERONUm. Wont whiskey impair yourability to plumb?

5.

PLUMBERNo. I plumb better drunk than I dosober.

CAMERONHave you tested that theoryscientifically?

He puts his ear up to the toilet and listens. He then grabsa plunger, and begins using it violently on the toilet.Finally, he sits down next to the toilet, and looks back atCameron.

PLUMBERMy wife. Shes sleeping with mycousin.

CAMERONI see. Do you want your whiskey onthe rocks?

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Interview Scene)

CAMERON(to camera)

I hired a plumber. He turned meinto a bathroom bartender.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil walks in from the kitchen. A second later, Claire walksin through the front door.

CLAIREHi honey.

They kiss.

CLAIREHow was work?

PHILYou know the house on Oak Street?Sold!

CLAIREYou sold a $2 million home!

6.

PHILUh. Did Michael Jordan three-peattwice?

CLAIREPhil--I dont know what that means.

PHILThat means the home on MillerStreet--also sold!

CLAIREYou sold another $2 million home?

PHILDid Michael Jordan three-peattwice?

CLAIREAbsolutely! Wow, Phil! $2 million.And another $2 million. Im scaredto add those numbers--because Ithink if I do, the IRS will take mypurse. Were moving on up, Phil.Youve hit your prime. You gottaget on your phone and do some moreselling.

PHILIm actually gonna take a few daysoff to...

CLAIRESell, baby, sell! You gotta keepthe momentum going. Its likeyoure Michael Jordan, youvescored 50 points, and you just gota pass from Magic Johnson. Shootthe ball!

PHILYour analogy doesnt really makesense, honey. Magic Johnson didntplay on the same team as MichaelJordan.

CLAIREFine. Youre playing blackjack, andthe dealer just gave you 11. Doubledown!

7.

PHILIs the dealer Magic Johnson?

CLAIREYes! Hes Magic Johnson!

PHIL.... Why would Magic Johnson dealblackjack cards to Michael Jordan?

CLAIREThe point is, you made more moneytoday than you did in all of2013--and you should keep onshooting, or doubling down, orknocking on doors.

PHILWell. Do the doors belong to MagicJohnson?

CLAIREForget Magic Johnson. Focus onDonald Trump. Real estate.

PHILYeah. About that. Um. Honey. Letstalk about... fulfillment. Purpose.Passion.

CLAIREWhat are you talking about?

PHILI sold two big homes in one day.

CLAIREYes.

(puts up her hand)High five.

He gives her a high five.

PHILLike I was saying. I sold two bighomes in one day. And it was lessfulfilling than I figured it wouldbe. It made me realize that realestate isnt really lighting myfire right now. So Im thinking ofdoing something else.

(puts up his hand)High five.

8.

CLAIRELighting your what?

PHIL(puts down his hand)

You know. The hot thing with theflames. My fire.

(puts up his hand)High five.

CLAIREThis fire of yours--does it knowabout the $4.2 million in sales?

PHIL(flips over his hand, looks athis palm, and then puts downhis hand)

Well. The thing is, now we havemoney. And now that we have money,we wont be needing any more moneyfor a while.

CLAIREWho the hell filled up your headwith a ridiculous idea like that?Was it that Zen Buddhist guy atyour gym? Phil--I told you to stoptalking to him. The next time yougo to the gym, stay away from him,and just chit chat with all ofthose pretty girls in tight pants.

PHILHoney. I want to try out a newcareer.

CLAIREPhil--weve talked about this. Youcant be a magician.

PHILNo. Not magician.

CLAIREOK. Then what?

PHIL... Gigolo. ... Im kidding. ...Art. Im gonna paint. Paintings.Im gonna paint paintings. Withpaint. And paintbrushes.

9.

CLAIREAnything else?

PHILUm.

(puts up his hand)High five?

CLAIREWell. For the record, I reallyprefer the gigolo idea. Not only dogigolos make more money thanartists, they also shower everyday.

PHILI already bought the art supplies.And I started an hour ago. Highfive!


(Documentary Scene interview)

PHIL(to camera)

My fire has been lit.


(Later)

Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and hesworking on a painting. (The painting remains concealed tothe TV viewer throughout the episode.)

PHIL(singing)

Just a gigolo. Everywhere I go.

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

GLORIADo you have any idea why Jay hasbeen playing video games so much?

MANNYMom. Let me explain something toyou about my relationship with Jay.I dont understand him, he doesnt

(MORE)

10.

MANNY (contd)understand me. Thats the delicatebalance of nature that allows thisecosystem to work.

GLORIAHes a man in his 60s, and hebought himself one of thosebox-boxes.

MANNYYou mean x-boxes?

GLORIAWhatever. Hes always playing thebox-box. He was up till 1 amyesterday.

MANNYWell--the good news is that hedoesnt go to bed at 8 pm, likemost people his age. I mean, yourein your party years, hes in hisSocial Security years--but yourestill living in the same time zone.

GLORIAYou think Im still in my partyyears?


Cameron is on the phone.

INT. MITCHS OFFICE - DAY

Mitch answers his phone.

MITCHYeah.

(Back and forth between Mitch & Camerons Home and MitchsOffice)

CAMERON(quietly)

I got a bit of a problem involvingthe plumber. Hes been here for twohours.

11.

MITCHOur toilet must be really broken.

CAMERONNo. The plumbers head is broken.

MITCHOh. Have you tried using a plungeron it?

CAMERONHes acting crazy, because hethinks his wife is cheating on him.

MITCHAre you talking about the plumberin our home, or the plumber on Daysof Our Lives?

CAMERONI asked him to leave--but he saidthat he wanted to finish the job.Should I call the cops?

MITCHYes. And make sure you talk to thedivision of Internal Affairs andToilets.

CAMERONMitch!

MITCHDont call the cops. Just go to thebathroom and have a man-to-man chatwith the plumber.

CAMERONI tried that. He thought my voicewas coming from the toilet! Andthat was before he started drinkingour whiskey. Can you come homeearly and help me deal with this?

MITCHWell. Im kind of busy doingsomething other than talking to adrunk plumber.

CAMERONWell, how snobby of you.

12.

MITCHWhat do you mean?

CAMERONYoure unwilling to talk to theblue collar working class.

MITCHCam. You know perfectly well thatone of my best friends is aplumber.

CAMERONWell why didnt we have him fix ourtoilet?

MITCHBecause having a friend fix yourtoilet is really awkward.

CAMERONAs opposed to having a drunkstranger sit next to your toiletand discuss his marriage with you.Thats not awkward at all!

MITCHCam. I gotta go.


Phil is working on a painting. Hes shirtless, and wearingflip flips and short shorts. Claire is sitting nearby on thesofa, watching TV. Haley walks in.

HALEYHi mom.

CLAIREHi sweetie.

Haley sees Phil.

HALEYUm. Hi dad.

Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and thenturns around and continues working on his painting.

HALEY(to Claire)

Uh. Two questions, mom. Whats fordinner?

13.

CLAIRESpaghetti.

HALEYAnd, uh, which mental instituteshould we put dad in?

Phil turns around.

PHILHoney. Im just working on someart. I have a creative life thatbalances out my overall life.Balance. I have balance. When youthink about it, that actually makesme saner than the rest of you.

He does a somersault, and then resumes working on hispainting.

HALEYI was kind of with you until thatwhole part about the somersault.



CLAIREApparently, Phil has entered hispost modernist phase. Its markedby vibrant colors and acrobaticbehavior.


Phil is still painting. He turns around, side hugs Claireand and Haley simultaneously, and holds the hug.

PHILI love both of you so much.

CLAIRE(to Haley)

Honey. Were still looking for theright mental institute.

PHILLet me just say this. Its notcrazy for me to love you so much.But it would be crazy for me not tolove you so much.

14.

He lets go of the hug and resumes working on his painting.

HALEY(to Claire)

Has he been talking to that ZenBuddhist guy?

CLAIREProbably. By the way, honey--yourfathers gonna take a few years offfrom his job, in order to pursuehis art.

HALEYGreat. Does that mean youre gonnacut my allowance in half?

CLAIREActually, no. Were gonna doubleit. Because your father sold twoexpensive homes today, and made alot of money.

HALEYOh. Congratulations, dad. Um. Imnot sure how I feel about all ofthis. Ill be in my room.

PHILSpaghetti!

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,good looking) is a few feet away from her.

COLLINIve been here for five minutes. Ihave no idea which bread to buy.Like, what should I look for in aloaf bread?

GLORIAI dont know. Ive been buying thesame kind for five years.

COLLIN

Im still trying to find the rightone.

She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.

15.

GLORIAWell... I think you should keeplooking.

COLLINYou have the most amazing voice.Any time I hear you say something,I want you to just keep on talking.

GLORIA(confuses / surprised)

What?

COLLINSay "what" again.

GLORIAAre you doing the scene from PulpFiction?

COLLINIve never seen that movie before.

GLORIAYeah. Its a little before yourtime.

COLLINMaybe we can watch it together.

GLORIAI dont know. Ill have to ask myhusband.

COLLINOK. How was your day, by the way?

GLORIAWhat?

COLLINLike I said. I just want to hearyou talk. If you were my woman, Idrush home every day to hear youtalk about your day.

GLORIAYoure laying it on a littlethick--dont you think?

COLLINIll bet your husband doesnt askyou about your day. Does he?

16.

GLORIA... How old are you?

COLLINYoure avoiding my question.

GLORIAYoure avoiding my question. Howold are you?

COLLINIm an adult.

GLORIAHow adult are you? Put an age onyour adult.

COLLINYou see that six pack of Coronasover there? Im old enough to buyit.

GLORIAWell. Im old enough to buy a 12pack.

COLLINSo youre also 21?

GLORIAIll be turning 21 in March. Notthis March--but one of the Marchesin the 1990s. Are you familiar withthat decade? Its the one where youwere watching Spongebob.

COLLINLets focus on this decade. The onewhere Im a man who watches 20/20,and youre a woman who watches20/20.

GLORIAIm a married woman--and I watchDestilando Amor and Wheel ofFortune.

17.


The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.

CAMERONSo hows the toilet doing?

PLUMBERI need more whiskey.

CAMERONUm. The thing is, in this bathroom,we have a two drink maximum. Causewe dont want anyone to drown inthe toilet water. So, um, how aboutI drive you to a liquor store anddrop you off?

PLUMBERI havent finished fixing yourtoilet.

CAMERONThats OK. You can take it homewith you, and mail it back to melater.

PLUMBERShes cheating on me. I know it.... Are you married?

CAMERONYeah.

PLUMBERIs your wife cheating on you?

CAMERONI doubt it. I mean, werenewlyweds--not to mention the factthat my wife is a husband.

PLUMBERSYou mean both of you are homos?

CAMERONWell. In laymans terms, yes--bothof us are homos. Both of us. I usedto be marred to a guy named Todd,and only one of us was a homo.Guess which one?

18.

PLUMBERRight. Yeah. I actually detected alot of gayness from you. But Imjust so distracted with mymarriage, that I forgot about yourgayness.

CAMERONThats interesting. Youre thefirst person to ever forget aboutmy gayness after detecting it. Evenpeople with amnesia dont forgetabout my gayness.

PLUMBERYou know, Ive never had aconversation with a gay before.

CAMERONWow. Thats very surprising.Especially considering how you justreferred to two gay men as "homos,"and one gay man as "a gay."



CAMERON(to camera)

So now Im both a bartender, and agay.


The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.

CLAIREHi dad.

JAYHi. I came to hang out with Luke.

CLAIREReally? Thats great. Hes in hisroom.

JAYAlright.

He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, andexamines Phil painting shirtless.

19.

JAY(to Claire)

Uh...

CLAIREHe sold $4 million worth of homestoday.

JAYGreat. That explains nothing.

(to Phil)Phil--keep up the good work.

Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and thengoes right back to working on his painting.

JAYRight. Ill be upstairs, if anybodyneeds me.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY

Jay walks in.

JAYTime for a rematch.

LUKEIts on.

JAYYoure darn tootin its on. Itson like Donkey Kong.

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)

JAY(to camera)

In the 80s, I used to take Mitchelland Claire to the arcade. 323,915points. That was my Pac-Man highscore. I set the arcades recordback in 82. But a few weeks ago, Iplayed a few games of Madden withLuke. He beat me. And now its on.Its on like Donkey Kong.

20.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria in on her cell phone.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY

Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jaysphone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.

JAYHello.

(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Lukes Room)

GLORIASome guy is flirting with me.

JAYFlirting? Like, is he harassingyou?

GLORIANo. Hes talking to me, andsmiling--and he complimented me.

JAYDid you tell him that youremarried?

GLORIAYes. He continued to flirt, Jay.Hes in the frozen foods sectionright now, and Im in cereal--but Ithink hes gonna talk to me againlater. Soon.

JAYYou have your pepper spray?

GLORIAYes.

JAYGreat. Use it.

GLORIAIm not gonna pepper spray him justfor flirting with me.

JAYYou dont have to spray the wholebottle in his eyes. Just give him

(MORE)

21.

JAY (contd)one spray in the general vicinity,and hell get the point.

GLORIAHe complimented me.

JAYI think you mentioned that.

GLORIAHe said that he likes my voice.

JAY... What?

GLORIAMy voice. He said its like musicto his ears.

JAYWell. In that case, you shouldprobably marry him. You know what?Maybe hell propose to you, rightnext to the Capn Crunch.

GLORIAJay!

JAYGloria. If youre not gonna use thepepper spray, just leave thesupermarket.

GLORIABut we need groceries.

JAYWe can eat out. I hear IHOP servesa magnificent dish called a RootyTooty Fresh n Fruity.

GLORIAJay--you should come down here andmake sure this guy knows weretogether, so he wont get so freshand fruity with me.

JAYThats not really what fruitymeans.

22.

GLORIAJay!

JAYGloria--Id love to come down thereand ram his face into a box of CocoPuffs. But Im in the middle ofsomething very important.

GLORIAWhat are you in the middle of?

JAYIm, uh--Im spending quality timewith Luke.

GLORIAOh. Well. I guess thats a goodexcuse.

JAYIts a great excuse.

GLORIAOK. I love you.

JAYI love you, too.

He hangs up.

JAYOK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.

Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.

LUKEBoom! Seven to nothing. Next timeyou play me, make sure you stretchyour quads before kickoff.

Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.

LUKELike this.

JAYThats it. Im taking you out of mywill.

23.


The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pantson). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskeybottle.

CAMERONMore whiskey?

PLUMBERFill er up.

Lily walks in.

LILYDaddy--are you done with yourplaydate? Its been like threehours.

CAMERONNo, honey. Were still drinkingpretend alcohol.

LILYAnd playing pretend toilet?

CAMERONNo. Were not playing pretendtoilet. Playing pretend toiletwould be very inappropriate. Thisis pretend bartender. You know. Imworking at a bar, and hes sittingat a bar. Were pretending to be ata bar. Not on a toilet.

LILYOh.

She walks up to the Plumber.

LILYIts my turn to sit at the bar.

The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.

LILY(to Cameron)

OK, bartender. Ill have a glass oforange juice.

The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make ofeverything.

24.

CAMERON(to Lily)

One glass of orange juice. Comingup.

He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.PLUMBER

(to Lily)You want some whiskey in thatorange juice?

CAMERONNo. No she doesnt. In thisestablishment, we dont servepretend whiskey to minors.

PLUMBERShe can pretend to be an adult.

CAMERONLike the way youre pretending tobe a plumber?

PLUMBERI am a plumber.

CAMERONGreat. Then how about you plumb mytoilet?

PLUMBER(to Lily)

My wife is cheating on me.

LILYDaddy--what is he talking about?

CAMERONHis wife cheats whenever they playGo Fish.

LILY(to Plumber)

Your wife shouldnt cheat.

PLUMBERYes! Youre right. She shouldntcheat. You understand. You know, ifyou were 30 years older, Id leavemy wife and marry you.

25.

LILYWell maybe you can find a wife atthe bar.

(points to an imaginary women)Like that woman over there.

PLUMBERNo. I know that woman. Thats myex-girlfriend. Shes a gold digger.

LILYWhats a gold digger?

CAMERONIts someone who digs to find gold.

LILYOh. Lets play that.

She does some imaginary digging.

LILYLook! I found gold! Lots of gold.Daddy--Im a gold digger!

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and hesholding a box.

PHILI got you something.

CLAIREOK. Before I open it, let me askyou a question. Does this boxcontain your ear?

PHILWhat? No.

CLAIREThen why are you wearing that hat?

PHILHoney. Im in a creative field. Sosometimes I wear a hat, orsometimes I pet a cat, or sometimesI catch a rat.

26.

CLAIREI dont know how to respond tothat.

PHILDo you think this hat makes me lookfat?

CLAIREWhat?

PHILNothing. I just got carried awaywith the rhyming thing. Open thebox.

CLAIREIts light.

She opens it.

CLAIREIts empty.

PHILIt contains my soul.

CLAIREWhat?

PHILMy soul.

CLAIREI see.

PHILNo. You cant see a soul.

CLAIRERight. So, uh, what do you want meto do with this soul?

PHILDont you see?

CLAIRENo.

He kisses her.

27.

PHILI want you to give me your soul.

CLAIREI see.

PHILWere soul mates.

CLAIRESo, uh--do you want me to put mysoul in a box?

PHILNo.

CLAIREHow about a bowl? Ill put my soulin a bowl, and then Ill give thatsoul in bowl to a cat in a hat. Andmaybe then Ill catch a rat. Whatdo you think of that?

PHILI dont want you to put your soulin a bowl. Just start by followingyour heart. Your heart will tellyou where to put your soul.

CLAIREThat didnt rhyme.

He kisses her again.

CLAIRERemember all the corny jokes youused to tell? I could go for one ofthose right now.

PHILYou inspire me. The way an appleinspired Isaac Newton.

CLAIREI was thinking of something morelike a pun.

PHILWhen Im without you, I want topunch myself in the face.

28.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT

JAY(very loudly)

30, 20, 10--Touchdown! RussellWilson!

Claire walks in five seconds later.

CLAIREDad--what the hell is going onhere?

JAYI, uh--I scored a touchdown.

CLAIREYeah. I can see. Youre sweating.

JAYIts, uh--your homes tooinsulated. Its hot in here.

CLAIREIts not that hot. Phil isdownstairs wearing a winter hat.Daddy--this is Pac-Man all overagain. The summer of 82. Rememberthat? The rivalry you had withTommy Jones?

JAYYeah. He was the second best intown. I was the best.

CLAIREYou were in your thirties. He wasin fifth grade!

JAYPac-Man isnt about age. Its aboutdots. And fruit.

CLAIREDad. I got Van Gogh hanging outdownstairs. I have an insanehusband. Do you have to be myinsane father right now? Cant youbalance out Phils lunacy with somenon-lunacy.

29.

JAYClaire. Im just playing videogames with my only grandson. I likemy grandson, and I like videogames. It would be lunacy for menot to play video games with him.

CLAIREHave you been talking to that ZenBuddhist guy at the gym?

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA.

CLARAHi. Can I talk to Jeff?

CAMERONJeff?

CLARAThe plumber.

CAMERONRight. Jeff. For some reason, hereferred to himself as Jehosophat.

CLARANo. Thats what he calls hisplunger.

CAMERONOh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff areboth in the bathroom. Over there.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT

Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.

JEFF / PLUMBERClara? How did you know I was here?

CLARAYou called me ten minutes ago andtold me where you were.

JEFF / PLUMBERRight. By the way

(looks at Cameron)--this is... whats your name?

30.

CAMERONCameron.

JEFF / PLUMBERNice to meet you. Im Jeff.

CAMERONJeff. Have you met my plunger,Jebediah?

JEFF / PLUMBER(to Clara)

Honey. This is Cameron. Hes ahomo. And he just got married. Youknow. Prop 8.

CAMERON(to Clara)

Hi.

CLARAHi. I voted no on Prop 8. Butcongratulations on your marriage.

CAMERONThank you?

JEFF / PLUMBER(to Clara)

Youre sleeping with my cousin!

CLARAAre you drunk?

JEFF / PLUMBERI used to be drunk on my love foryou. But now Im just drunk on thecrappy whiskey this homo gave me.

CAMERONHey. Let me just say that I servethe cheap whiskey in our bathroom,and the good whiskey in our livingroom.

CLARA(to Jeff)

What makes you think that Imsleeping with Tony?

JEFF / PLUMBERWho said anything about Tony? I wastalking about John.

31.

CLARAWhat makes you think Im sleepingwith John?

JEFF / PLUMBERYou both like that movie. The onewith that bearded guy. The funnyguy with the beard. You know thatmovie.

CLARAThe Hangover?

JEFF / PLUMBERYeah. The Hangover. You both likeThe Hangover. You were bothlaughing at it.

CLARAThat doesnt mean Im sleeping withJohn. Honey--I love you. You meaneverything to me.

JEFF / PLUMBERThe Hangover isnt that good.

CLARAWell. Its pretty good.

JEFF / PLUMBERYeah. Its pretty good. But itsnot that good. There are some funnyparts, though.

Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle.

JEFF / PLUMBERSo youre not sleeping with John?

CLARANo.

JEFF / PLUMBEROr Tony?

CLARAOr Tony.

JEFF / PLUMBER(points to Cameron)

Or this homo?

32.

CLARAI dont even know this homo.Honey--I only have eyes for you.

(to Cameron)Hes the jealous type. This happensevery month or so.

CAMERONAh.

Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.

JEFF / PLUMBERI love you, Clara. Come here.

They kiss very romantically, and dont stop.

CAMERONUm. Ill just leave you alone for aminute or two.

He closes the door.

CAMERONFeel free to fix the toilet whenyoure done.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Cameron is sitting on the sofa and drinking whiskey.

Mitch walks in.

MITCHSo. What happened with the plumber?

CAMERONYou missed the make up scene.

MITCHThe make up scene?

CAMERONYeah. Clara dropped by.

MITCHWhos Clara?

CAMERONJeffs wife.

33.

MITCHWhos Jeff?

CAMERONThe plumber. It turns out thatClara wasnt sleeping with John. OrTony. Or

(points to himself)this homo.

MITCHAre you talking about Days of OurLives?

CAMERONNo. Days of our bathroom. Youmissed the make up scene. The lovescene is currently in progress.

MITCHGreat. So is our toilet fixed?

CAMERONNo. And were out of whiskey. We dohave some cognac, though. Why dontyou go pour me a glass?

MITCHWhy dont you pour it yourself?

CAMERONMy shift as bartender ended twominutes ago. Its your turn.


Jay is on the phone with Gloria.

JAYHey, honey. Im done with myquality time. I won 17-14 inovertime. I mightve cheated,though.


(Earlier / Flashback)

Jay knocks the controller out of Lukes hand.

34.

LUKEHey!


GLORIA (V.O.)Oh.

JAYIs that guy still flirting withyou?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

GLORIANo. Im on my way home.

(Back and forth between the Car and Lukes Room)

JAYYou know, Im kind of in the moodto have it out with him now. Didyou get his license plate number oranything?

GLORIAI dont think hes old enough todrive.

JAYWhat?

GLORIAHes a little young. 21.

JAYI see. Well. We can double date.You go out with him, and Ill takehis younger sister. We can go toChuck E. Cheeses.

GLORIAJay. Do you want to hear about howmy day was?

JAYAbsolutely.

GLORIADo you want to hear it in my voice?

35.

JAYI want to hear everything in yourvoice. I dont understand half ofwhat youre saying, but I like thesound of it all.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing awall.

PHIL(announcing to the rest of thehome)

Everyone come here! its time forthe art exhibit!

Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.

CLAIRE(to Phil)

The spaghettis ready, by the way.

HALEYYeah, dad. Its really goodspaghetti. Have some.

Luke, Jay, and Alex come down the stairs.

JAYThis should be interesting.

PHIL(addressing everyone)

OK. guys. I know Ive been acting alittle weird today.

JAYNo weirder than usual.

PHILI just--I realized that I wanted todo more than sell homes.

HALEYAnd do magic.

PHILAnd do magic. I want to do morethan real estate and magic. I dontnow. I mean, Im not abandoningreal estate. Or magic. And I might

(MORE)

36.

PHIL (contd)also make a move into the gigoloindustry. But anyways. Withoutfurther ado. Here it is.

He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (Itstill remains concealed to the TV viewer.)

HALEYThats... good.

CLAIREI like it. I mean, I also like itwhen you sell $4 million in homesper day. But its a nice painting.

JAYI gotta say. Its a great painting.

PHILDo you mean, it, Jay?

JAYAbsolutely. I like it. You knowwhat? Id be honored if youd letme buy it, and hang it in my home.Now, I cant give you $4 millionfor it.

PHILHow about 3.9 million?

JAYSold. Send me the bill.

CLAIRE(to Phil)

Wow. Youre really on a roll,honey. That brings you up to $7.9million for the day. Go sellsomething else.

Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

JAYLuke. Open the door for me.

Luke opens it.

Jay walks out with the painting.

37.

PHIL(to Claire)

Has he been talking to that ZenBuddhist guy?

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Jay and Gloria are curled up on the couch, and staring at apainting on the wall. (The painting remains concealed to theTV viewer.)

GLORIAPhil painted that?

JAYYeah.

GLORIAIt looks good there. I like it.

INT. GYM - DAY

Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machinenext to his.

JAYI tried that Zen meditation thingyou taught me yesterday. How do Iknow when Ive experiencedenlightenment?

Bob seems mesmerized by something.

JAYBob?

BOBSorry, Jay. I was a littledistracted by that girl in tightpants.

JAYThats my wife.

BOBThats your wife?

The camera reveals an attractive 40 year old WOMAN on anelliptical machine.

38.

JAYJust kidding. Thats my wife.

He points to Gloria, whos also wearing tight pants, and onanother elliptical machine.

Date post:	21-Nov-2015
Category:	Documents
Upload:	rodney-ohebsion
View:	18 times
Download:	0 times

Modern Family - Career Change

Documents