OSCARS 2014

Amy

ADAMS

I don’t love this as much as I

think I probably should. Is there

something wrong with me or is

there something wrong with the

dress? The colour is great and it’s

perfectly tailored. Is it because her

hair is up? Does she need a

necklace? Do I wish it had little

sleeves or something?

Cami la

ALVES

While this is a little bit too 80’s for

me, I think Camila can get away

with something this regal, and the

blush colour is perfect for her.

Cami la

ALVES

It looks better from the side.

Vee le

BAETENS

Veele is obviously from some kind

of faraway land. This whole look

is too casual, sandals included, but

because she’s so obviously un-

Hollywood it doesn’t matter. She

looks interesting.

I re l and

BALDWIN

I seriously thought this was Kim

Novak at first. I don’t know why

Ireland Baldwin thinks she’s a

thing, or how she wrangled an

invitation to the Oscars, but this

dress is a hot mess.

Chr i s t i an

BALE & S ib i

BLAZIC

Sibi is very pretty, but this frock is

blah.

Kri s ten

BELL

Too bridal.

Kri s ten

BELL

Way too bridal.

Je s s ica

BIEL

This is surprisingly tasteful. I

don’t even know why she was

there, but she looks unexpectedly

flawless.

Cate

BLANCHETT

While I don’t usually go for beige

dresses, Cate looks appropriately

magnificent. It’s hard to tell where

the dress stops and she starts.

She’s been wearing some weird

stuff lately, so I’m glad she

eschewed the avant garde in

favour of something timelessly

beautiful for this event.

Sandra

BULLOCK

Another surprise.

Sandy nailed it for once.

Kri s t in

CHENOWETH

There’s still a lot of Gatsby-

inspired fashion on the red

carpets of Hollwyood, and while

I’m not averse to frocks that

resemble the Chrysler Building,

this might be too blingy for me.

Glenn

CLOSE

As surely as the sun rises in the

East, at least one person is bound

to turn up dressed like Morticia

Addams.

Pené lope

CRUZ

It’s…puzzling. It looks like a vast

swathe of fabric that’s been

artfully draped and secured with a

ribbon. This is actually the best

picture I could find of it. From

the side it’s…more puzzling.

Vio la

DAVIS

Fail. Which is a shame, because

her face and hair are perfect.

Por t ia

DE ROSSI

Portia somehow finds the

weirdest, spongiest frocks.

Ju l i e

DELPY

Julie looks lovely. I’m relieved,

because she’s a normal person with

normal children, and as such she

some times looks harried and

underdone on the red carpet. But

she’s still got it. Incidentally I

haven’t watched , and will not

watch, Before Midnight. I’ve heard it’s

depressing, and I don’t want the

90’s ruined.

Laura

DERN

Laura looks frail.

Jenna

DEWAN TATUM

This gown, like many others at

this event, belong in a category I

call “amazing pale sparkly pretty

ice-skating fairy dresses.”

Ca l i s ta

FLOCKHART

Okay, it was hard to find a picture

of Calista in which she wasn’t

making a face like a fish. But this

dress is pretty nice, no?

Lady

GAGA

No, this does not qualify for the

“amazing pale sparkly pretty ice-

skating fairy dress” category.

Jenn i fer

GARNER

I’m not a fan of showgirl-inspired

tiered fringe skirts, but I am glad

Jen is wearing something soft and

feminine, and her lighter hair and

pale skin are very pretty.

Anne

HATHAWAY

I might just be over Anne

Hathaway. This really does

nothing for me, although it’s fine.

I guess.

Sa l ly

HAWKINS

Sally is kind of an eccentric, isn’t

she? She looks like a Russian folk

bride. Which isn’t necessarily a

bad thing, but this look would be

more flattering with a lower-cut

neckline.

Gold ie

HAWN

Uh huh.

K ate

HUDSON

It’s very “Dynasty.”

Sarah

ISHAQ

I have no idea who this is, but the

conservative cut of her frock

balances the bling quite nicely. As

gold dresses go, this is one of the

better ones.

Ange l ina

JOLIE

I don’t know what to make of

this. I don’t particularly love

the dress (I’m pretty sure my

mum had a dress like this in

the 80’s, but with shoulder

pads) but the overall look is

undeniably lovely, and it

drapes beautifully.

Anna

KENDRICK

Ew.

Anna

KENDRICK

Still ew.

Olga

KURYLENKO

The watermelon colour is divine,

and it’s refreshing after all the

gold and silver, but the slash

across the bust is a distracting

feature.

Jenn i fer

LAWRENCE

I think I might be officially sick to

death of Jennifer Lawrence. This

is so average. And she fell over

again. I’m really over the klutzy

neophyte shtick.

Jenn i fer

LAWRENCE

Okay, so she’s still cute and

approachable and so forth, but

I’m not withdrawing my criticism

of the outfit. I think she could do

better.

John LEGEND &

Chr i s t ine

TEIGEN

I have no idea who Christine Teigen

is, except that she is the girlfriend of

John Legend. To be perfectly honest

with you, I’m not even totally sure

who John Legend is. Am I supposed

to know that? I think this dress would

probably be more appropriate for a

nominee, but I can’t deny that it’s

beautiful. Looks like something you

would see at the MET Gala.

Mar ia

MENOUNOS

I was going to leave Maria

Menounos off the list this

year, because she’s just a

presenter and usually looks

pretty trashy. But she

surprised me by wearing

something really tasteful, so I

had to include her. You have

to reward good behaviour.

Mar ia

MENOUNOS

See? Even her hair is tasteful.

Her makeup might be a bit over

the top, but we’ll overlook it.

Id ina

MENZEL

Idina is the broadway singer who

voiced the main character (?) of

Disney’s “Frozen” in a song called

“Let It Go.” I have heard this song a

total of one times and I already hate it

with a vengeance, so I’m not inclined

to look favourably on this WONKY

and ill-fitting dress in what is probably

a lovely shade of green.

Sar i

MERCER

I’m sorry (I nearly wrote “Sari” but

I’m not confident enough to pull

off puns) that Lupita Nyong’o is

getting all the recognition for 12

Years a Slave when Chiwetel has

worked so hard in the industry for

so long and put in such a great

peformance (although I only

watched about half the movie

because I skipped the violent bits).

But his girlfriend looks gorgeous, so

there’s always that.

Bet te

MIDLER

Wow, Bette looks amazing.

I would totally wear this. That’s

the first time I’ve ever said that

about a Bette Midler outfit.

Liza

MINELLI

Wow, I would totally wear this

too! If I was, for example, some

kind of intoxicated French clown.

Lup i ta

N’YONGO

Perfect. My favourite look of the

evening, and everybody else’s too

I assume.

Kel ly

OSBOURNE

I almost regret to say this, but it’s a

very nice frock. We can still hate her

hair, though.

Elsa

PATAKY

That has to be a fake bump.

Elsa

PATAKY

I still think it’s a fake bump.

But in the event that it’s not, and

she actually is extremely pregnant

with at last one human child, this

is a very beautiful maternity dress.

The colour and fabric are lovely.

Sarah

PAULSON

She looks really sad.

If this was in a colour, it

might be pretty and she

might be happy.

Jada

PINKETT SMITH

This is an uncharacteristically

feminine look for Jada. I don’t

hate it, but someone needs to

have serious word to the women

of Hollywood about what to do

with their legs. Am I wrong in

thinking that they do not actually

have to be visible at all times?

Giul iana

RANCIC

Another princessy dress, and

while I don’t adore it, and can

never get past Giuliana’s overt

frailty, it is one of the prettier

things she’s worn.

Kel ly

RIPA

Ugh. Paaaainfully thin.

Ju l i a

ROBERTS

Nope.

Marg ot

ROBBIE

The dark hair is a dramatic

change. I only just worked out

who she was. The dress is dull

from the front…

Marg ot

ROBBIE

…but the whole look is more

interesting from the side.

Gabourey

SIDIBE

One of Gabourey’s better looks.

Rache l

SMITH

As surely as the sun sets in the

West, at least two people are

bound to turn up dressed like

Morticia Addams.

But actually Rachel Smith (whom

I think we established at the

Globes is a nobody) looks very

pretty.

Mer y l

STREEP

Wow, Meryl got it right for once!

Char l ize

THERON

I miss the days when Charlize was

just a blonde person who starred

in films like “Mighty Joe Young,”

a movie I saw on a plane once.

Now she’s dating Sean Penn and

doing humanitarian work, which

is the point at which otherwise

down-to-earth people become the

unapproachable elite.

Ker r y

WASHINGTON

Okay, good points first: her hair

and makeup are lovely, and the

plummy lipstick looks great with

the silvery mauve of her dress.

Bad points: the dress itself, which

looks like a bedsheet.

Emma

WATSON

I hate everything about this. The

dress is far too sombre and joyless

for someone so young, the brick

red lipstick is harsh and ageing,

and her hair looks crazy…

Emma

WATSON

…this is what my hair looks like

when I wear it up all day and then

go to bed with it still half up

because I’m too lazy to brush it

and then wake up with it partly up

and partly down and partly all

over the place.

Naomi

WATTS

Because of the colour, it’s hard to

find pictures of the detail of this

dress, but Naomi looks stunning.

She often goes for sleek white and

silver frocks, and this is one of

her best ones. The loose hair and

bright lipstick are fresh and

youthful. This whole look is

a win.

Naomi

WATTS

A better shot of the beading.

Ol iv ia

WILDE

The gown itself isn’t

groundbreaking, but it doesn’t

have to be. She’s a very elegant

pregnant lady.

Phar re l l

WILLIAMS &

Helen

LASICHANH

Yes, men are wearing formal

shorts now. Don’t whatever you

do tell your husband.

Alf re

WOODARD

I’m sorry to end on this one,

because it’s so average. The detail

is overdone and horizontal stripe

of embroidery across the neckline

is a step too far.