Parent Effectiveness Training

www.FreeEach.com www.LinkageForLife.com

Linkage For Life

Hi, this is Jack (of All Free Trades) in Beijing, China It is my inten<on to startup an Educa<onal Eutopia

(Good Place) I call wherever wanted on this planet—China…Chile, Columbia, Uruguay?

This will be a Montessori-‐P.E.T.-‐Choice Theory oriented Community Homeschool provided in English by Jack

and his Digital Library (10,000+ books, videos) with Internet links to Anarcho-‐Libertarian Resources. 1

Education Not Indoctrination Freedom Not Control

Home Not Prison Individual Not Collective

Utopia Nowhere to Eutopia Now Here

The SOURCE

The SOURCE


Linkage For Life What Every Parent Should Know: 15 Principles

•  Dr. Thomas Gordon, founder of Parent Effec<veness Training (P.E.T.)

“What Every Parent Should Know” (11 page handout—read it!)

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“Be a Person, not a Parent” Thomas Gordon


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Parent’s & Children’s EmoGonal Needs 1.  Acknowledged 2.  Accepted 3.  Admired 4.  Appreciated 5.  Approved of 6.  Competent 7.  Free 8.  Encouraged 9.  Heard 10. Liked 11. Listened to 12.  Important

13. In Control 14. Loved 15. Needed 16. Powerful 17. Recognized 18. Respected 19. Safe 20. Significant 21. Supported 22. Trusted 23. Understood 24. Valued 3


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Parent EffecGveness Training (P.E.T.) 15 Principles

Principle I : Like everyone else children have needs and to get their needs met, they act or behave.

•  The idea of your child “MISBEHAVING” “David, a very curious and ac<ve three-‐year-‐old, emp<es everything out of his mother’s desk and is drawing on her file folders with Crayola markers. Discovering this mess, his mother angrily pops David on the rear. David, of course, cries and looks bewildered. “When David’s father gets home, he is greeted with the mother’s report, “Our darling son certainly misbehaved today.” Thomas Gordon

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Linkage For Life Parent EffecGveness Training (P.E.T.) 15 Principles (con<nued)

Principle II: Children don’t misbehave: they simply behave to get their needs met. “This does not mean, however, that parents will like all of the behaviors that their children engage in. Nor should parents be expected to, for children are bound to do things that produce unacceptable consequences for their parents. “Most parents and teachers think of children as either ‘behaving’ or ‘misbehaving’. This labeling of behavior as ‘good’ and ‘bad’ begins when the child is quite young. In our P.E.T. programs we try to help parents see that children don't really misbehave. Interes<ngly enough, the term is almost exclusively applied to children – seldom to adults.” Thomas Gordon 5

“Parents need to learn some effec<ve means for modifying behavior that interferes with their needs, but labeling their child as misbehaving is not one of them.” Thomas Gordon



Principle III: Parents can’t be accepGng of all behavior of their children.

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“Being inconsistent in your reac<on to a child’s behavior is being a real person; it is also inevitable.” Thomas Gordon



Principle IV: Parents don’t have to be consistent with children. “Parents cannot hide their true feelings, and they should not try. Rather, parents should accept the fact that one parent may feel accep<ng of a behavior and the other feel unaccep<ng. The effec<ve parent realizes that he or she will inevitably feel different on different days about the same behavior. “Parents are people, not gods. They do not have to act uncondi<onally accep<ng toward all behaviors, or even consistently accep<ng toward one behavior. Neither should they pretend to be accep<ng in order to present a united front.” Thomas Gordon

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“Parents are people, not gods.” Thomas Gordon



PRINCIPLE V: Parents don’t have to put up a “united front.” “While all children would undoubtedly prefer to be accepted all the <me, they can construc<vely handle their parents’ unaccep<ng feelings when the parents send honest messages that match their true feelings. “Not only does this make it easier for children to learn to judge the appropriateness of various behaviors, but it also helps them grow to see their parents as real persons— transparent, human, and people with whom they would like a rela<onship.”

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PRINCIPLE VI: When infants behave unacceptably, there is a good reason, but you have to try to guess what it is. The guessing game: “Effec<ve parents must learn to be good guessers with infants and toddlers simply because these children can’t tell parents much about what’s going on inside them.”

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PRINCIPLE VII: When you can’t accept one behavior, subsGtute another you can.

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YOU CAN CHANGE BEHAVIOR YOU DON’T LIKE

WITHOUT USING PUNISHMENT


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Parent EffecGveness Training (P.E.T.) 15 Principles (con<nued)

•  PRINCIPLE VIII: Let kids know how you feel, even if you can’t use words.

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DO NO PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL HARM!


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•  PRINCIPLE IX: It’s oUen more efficient to change the child’s environment than to change the child.

•  “Enrich the Environment.” •  “Impoverish the Environment.”

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•  PRINCIPLE X: To change unacceptable behavior of your child, talk about yourself, not your child.

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THE TERRIBLE DANGERS OF DISCIPLINE

“I MESSAGES”: “I am tired please play quietly”


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•  PRINCIPLE XI: Parents who use power inevitably run out of it when kids get older.

“In Parent Effectiveness Training classes, parents are asked to recall their own youth, when parents (and teachers) used power over them, and then to list the various coping mechanisms they adopted in response to their parents’ discipline efforts.” Thomas Gordon

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PRINCIPLE XII: Children learn to cope with parental power with undesirable and unhealthy behaviors.

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PRINCIPLE XIII: Discipline may compel or coerce, but it seldom influences.

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HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS SO NOBODY LOSES

Method I: Parent wins, child loses. Child resents parents.

Method 2: Child wins, parent loses. Parent resents child.


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•  PRINCIPLE XIV: If parents are either dictators or doormats, someone is going to lose.

“Method 3 is an approach to resolving conflicts in which parent and child together offer possible solutions to their conflict and ultimately select one solution that is acceptable to both. This is a solution that allows both parent and child to get their needs met.”

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“NO LOSE METHOD” Both win or nobody loses.

And thus there is no resentment at all.


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PRINCIPLE XV: When conflicts are resolved so nobody loses, the relaGonship deepens. “Parents have also reported marked changes in their children aqer the No-‐Lose Method became established in their homes: improved grades at school, fewer tears and temper tantrums, berer rela<onships with their peers, more responsibility about homework and chores, more self-‐ confidence, a happier disposi<on, less aggression and hyperac<vity, and fewer sicknesses.” Thomas Gordon

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Parent EffecGveness Training (P.E.T.) 15 Principles – THE END

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Linkage For Life Thomas Gordon Credo

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Linkage For Life Power - Control Versus Freedom -

•  Explore if you are Responsibly Free and what that means

•  How you act towards your Child is how you allow others to act towards you

•  If you force your Child to obey you then you will accept obeying others in same way

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“Freedom is the preven<on of control by others. This requires self-‐control…

educa<on, knowledge, well-‐being.” Lord Acton


Linkage For Life Parent = Kind Dictator or True Enabler?

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Linkage For Life Every Adult Must Choose for their Child: To Be Dictator or Enabler

1. Your Child is “Misbehaving” and “Out of Order”…or 2. Your Child is “Ac<ng” to “Meet its Needs” •  Which you Choose will Decide Both your Fates •  Do you say to your spouse “You misbehaved!” •  You only say this to your child…why? •  It has to do with POWER & CONTROL •  You have POWER OVER your Child…how will YOU USE IT? •  Only 2 Choices:

1.  Use my Power to Control my Child 2.  Use my Power to give my Child Power to Control Herself

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Linkage For Life Parent & Child— Government & CiGzen—

Power to Control…or Free?

POWER is usually used to CONTROL But…POWER should be used to FREE

Only two kinds of CONTROL obtained by POWER: 1.   Control over others 2.   Control over yourself

To the degree you try to use Power to Control Others (your Child or any other Person), you will be depriving them of the

Power to Control Themselves—and be turning your RelaGonship into one of Master/Slave. 24

The Love of Power vs The Power of Love


Linkage For Life You Do NOT Need to Teach Your Child to Learn!

“Children are biologically designed to educate themselves.. through play and explora<on.. we don’t need to educate them.. we need to provide the condi<ons to allow them to educate themselves…” Peter Gay Your Child is its OWN SOURCE– be its RESOURCE!

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The SOURCE


Linkage For Life

FreeEaching is not Teaching or Preaching There is no freedom for un<l you are free from. I help you locate – and then, if you choose, help you break – those links of your gene<c and cultural condiGoning that control you. Then you can control yourself and choose to create new linkages with other individuals living Responsible Personal Freedom.

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What is FreeEach ? (rhymes with “Teach”)


Linkage For Life Responsible Personal Freedom— CharacterisGcs of the Mature Adult

1. Truth, rather than dishonesty. 2. Goodness, rather than evil. 3. Beauty, not ugliness or vulgarity. 4. Unity, wholeness, and transcendence of opposites, not arbitrariness or forced choices. 5. Aliveness, not deadness or the mechanization of life. 6. Uniqueness, not bland uniformity. 7. Perfection and necessity, not sloppiness, inconsistency, or accident. 8. Completion, rather than incompleteness. 9. Justice and order, not injustice and lawlessness.

10. Simplicity, not unnecessary complexity. 11. Richness, not environmental impoverishment. 12. Effortlessness, not strain. 13. Playfulness, not grim, humorless, drudgery. 14. Self-sufficiency, not dependency. 15. Meaningfulness, rather than senselessness. 16. Gentleness and kindness, caring for the vulnerable in all. 17. Gratitude as grace and elegance. 18. Inter-dependence, incorporating dependence and independence. 19. Self-control not Other-control. 27


Linkage For Life My Brain Is Full, May I be Excused?

Look Up & Out The Spiral of Growth

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Jack’s Contact Details, Beijing, China: Websites: www.FreeEach.com www.LinkageForLife.com Email: [email protected] [email protected] QQ: 168 486 4831 Skype: jackinchina2005 Cell phone: (86) 1591 0600 531 Gmail +: https://plus.google.com/u/0/113839538521098310072/about/p/pub Virtual Classroom, WizIQ: http://www.wiziq.com/jack2382606

Date post:	15-Aug-2015
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