Steve Hayes & Russ Harris ACT World Con, 2011

Caring, Connection & Contribution: An ACT Approach to Friendship & Community

First: a bit of fun

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 1: Shock

Wow! That was amazing!

What the hell was that?

How do you do that?

Do you have to cry?

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 2: Denial

Dr Phil impersonations

Metaphor Abuse

I don’t think you’re really committed – maybe you

should consider medication!

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 3: Bargaining

Read more books

Attend more workshops

Pray that this time it works

If only I could be like Kelly Wilson…

The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 4: Depression

I’ll never be as good as Kelly Wilson!

I don’t give a shit about the data - it doesn’t work for any

of my f#@%ing clients!

I can’t do it!I’m a fraud

The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 5: Acceptance

Fused! Avoidant! Stuck!

I’m in the same boat as my clients!

And I can even disclose it to them!

In fact I can even charge them money for listening to me talk

about my own issues!

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 6: Commitment

Join the cult!

Buy an ACT textbook

Buy another ACT textbookBuy yet another ACT textbook

Buy 3 more ACT textbooks

Realise you haven’t finished reading any of them!

So you look for one that’s a bit simpler

Made Even Simpler

By Steven C. Hayes, PH.D.

Made Eazee-PeazeeJapaneezee

By Kelly G. Wilson, HI.PPY.

Made so f--king easy that even George Bush could do it!

By John Forsyth

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 7: Evangelism

Tell everyone you know how ACT is the best thing since sliced bread.

Especially your CBT colleagues!

Make your partner read an ACT book.

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 8: Obsession

See ACT everywhere

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 9: Isolation & Withdrawal

People stop inviting you to dinner.

Friends and family stop talking to you.

Your partner sarcastically refers to you as ‘the guru’ .

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 10: Salvation

Then you discover the worldwide ACT list-serve.A bunch of ACT-obsessed

geeks who are just as f--cked up as you.

In some cases, even more so. (e.g. Kelly)

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 11: A Rude Awakening

There’s an email from Steve Hayes.

And you can’t understand a word of it.

Oh no! It’s RFT!!!

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The ACT Practitioner’s Journey

Stage 12: Shock, Depression & Denial

What the f#@% was that?!!

I’m so stupid!!

F#@% this RFT stuff – I’m sticking to ACT

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Now getting back on track …‘Community’ Latin: Cum = with, Munus = gift‘Friend’Old English: ‘Freond’; from ‘Freogan’ =

to love, to favour

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ACT = LOVE

L = Letting goO = Opening UpV = ValuingE = Engagement

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Two Communities

Outer: the world around usInner: the world inside us

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Icebreaking Exercise: pt 1 First, get into pairs Introductions: Who are you? What do

you do? Why are you here? What do you most deeply care about with regard to others? What is the biggest barrier to being with others?

3 minutes max, per person When the chime goes, pause;

be silent; follow the instructions

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Icebreaking Exercise: pt 2 Now into groups of 4 – i.e.2 pairs

each group Each member of the pair introduces

the other (without interruption) for 1 minute MAX – specify what they care about, and their barrier

When the chime goes, pause; be silent; follow the instructions

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‘Give And Take’

What do we want to get from others, and what do we want to give?

Vividly recall 2 memories: a) A moment of great

loneliness/yearningb) A moment of great friendship Discuss: what does this reveal about

what you want to get, and what you want to give

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‘Give And Take’

Based on the previous exercise, write down some key values, for friendship/community: how do you want to behave & what do you want to stand for in your relationships?

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Mindfulness & RelationshipsMindfulness of the handHow did your relationship change with

your hand?What is the relevance of this exercise

to your closest relationships?

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The Three Cs

CaringConnectionContribution

The Dark Side of Caring

How do we get hurt? How do we respond? Why is it so hard to be with others

who are hurting?

Morning Tea, day 1

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Smiling Meditation

Adapted from ‘Radical Acceptance’ by Tara Brach

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Stories that isolate/separate What stories isolate/separate you? the role you’ve been conditioned to

play? the role you think you’re supposed to

play? the role you play to hide away? the role you play to gain approval?

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Barriers to intimacy

Fear: of rejection, hurt, betrayal, entrapment, obligation, abandonment etc.

Avoidance of ‘vulnerability’Fusion with conceptualised selfThe 2 cardinal sins (according to Steve

Hayes): ‘looking good’ and ‘being right’Others?

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Evolutionary Aspects

Social needs vs social risks Vulnerability: the price of admission to

intimacyAre you willing to pay?In pairs: what are you willing to make

room for, in the service of intimacy?

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Willing Vulnerability: pt 1Accept a compliment?Speak highly of yourself?Share in pairs: your 5 best

attributes/greatest qualitiesIn the listening role, what qualities do you

want to embody, knowing the speaker is vulnerable?

When the chime goes, pause and follow instructions

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Willing Vulnerability: pt 2Share in pairs something you’re

embarrassed or ashamed of – something that contradicts the qualities/attributes you identified in part 1

In the listening role, what qualities do you want to embody, knowing the speaker is vulnerable?

When the chime goes, pause and follow instructions

Getting Practical

How can ACT help clients with ‘intimacy issues’? What are some practical interventions?

Afternoon tea day 1

Self-compassion

From Kristin Neff 1.Mindfulness 2.Kindness 3.Common Humanity

Attachment Theory

Taken from: A Behavioural Perspective on Adult Attachment style, Intimacy, and Relationship Health – by Abigail Mansfield & James Cordova

John Bowlby -Attachment and Loss - 1969

Attachment relationships have survival value because they keep infants close to caregivers who can provide protection

Bids For Nurturing

Closeness, companionship, comfort, protection, caretaking, reassurance. and sustenance

Caregiver - 3 possible responses to a bid:

Reinforcement, punishment, ignoring Ratios of these responses lead to

different attachment repertoires

Attachment Repertoires

High reinforcement, Low ignoring, Low punishment

‘Secure’ Generally positive, healthy, intimate

relationships

Attachment Repertoires

High reinforcement, High ignoring, Low punishment

‘Preoccupied’ Yearn for attention Predisposed to be clingy, fearful,

jealous Potentially dysfunctional and

depressogenic

Attachment Repertoires

High reinforcement, Low ignoring, High punishment

‘Anxious-Ambivalent’ Fear, anger, desire to run away from

potential nurturers; vigilant monitoring of partner

Often most at ease when alone

Attachment Repertoires

Various other patterns: eg ‘Fearful-Avoidant’ & ‘Avoidant-dismissive’

Self-compassion & Attachment Self-compassion: positive reinforcementof your own bids for nurturing(As opposed to ignoring or punishing them) You form a secure attachment with

yourself and the ‘community within’ Provides a foundation for secure

attachment to the community outside Intimacy with myself intimacy with

others

Intimacy & Acceptance

What is ‘intimacy’? What is the ultimate form of

interpersonal acceptance? Compassion The ultimate form of intrapersonal

acceptance? Self-compassion How does this differ from self-

esteem?

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The Self-Esteem Trap

True or False?

Increasing your self-esteem will improve your performance

People with high self-esteem are more likable, have better relationships, and make better impressions

People with high self-esteem make better leaders

ALL FALSE!

Ref: The American Psychological Society Task Force on Self-esteem

Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, VohsPsychological Science in The Public

Interest – Vol 4, 1st May, 2003

True or False?

High self-esteem correlates with egotism, narcissism, and arrogance

High self-esteem correlates with prejudice & discrimination

High self-esteem correlates with self-deception, and defensiveness when faced with honest feedback

ALL TRUE!

Ref: The American Psychological Society Task Force on Self-esteem

Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, VohsPsychological Science in The Public

Interest – Vol 4, 1st May, 2003

The Alternative to Self-Esteem?

Self-Acceptance &Self-Compassion

Why?

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot ... and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.”-- Michael Jordan

Conceptualised Self

All too often, ‘High Self-Esteem’ = Fusion with conceptualised self

I have to be confident / successful etc…

I can’t let people know that I am really …?

Negative Feedback

Why is high self-esteem correlated with:

A) defensiveness to negative feedback?

B) discrimination and intolerance? Function of blaming/judging/criticising

others?

Demo

Moving from self-esteem to self-acceptance

Self-compassion

From Kristin Neff 1.Mindfulness 2.Kindness 3.Common Humanity

Handling Negative Feedback What feedback do you least like to hear

from your loved ones? What is the most hurtful thing they could

say to you? Why is this so hurtful? How does this relate to your

conceptualised self?

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Handling Negative Feedback If this feedback were true, what would it

mean about you? Can you find a grain of truth in it? Do you have to turn away or hide from

or struggle with that truth?

Handling Negative Feedback What do you do that is unhelpful when

you encounter criticism, disapproval or rejection?

What matters enough that you would be willing to stay present and open in the face of it?

Handling Negative Feedback In pairs. Number 1s: tell number 2s the

feedback/criticism you fear/resist most Number 2s: write it down, then say it out

aloud to number 1s: “You are ….” Number 1s: make room for what arises;

stay connected and open. Then swap roles

Lunchtime Day 2

World Spirituality

Contemplative traditions Interconnectedness Caring, Connection & Contribution Fake self & authentic self Separation from thinking/language

Practical applications?

Values around community/ friendship Friendship spot/loneliness spot Costs of avoidance Vulnerability - price of admission to

intimacy Acceptance of fear/anxiety about

rejection etc Self-compassion

Practical applications?

Defusion from isolating stories Defusion from conceptualised self Defusion from judgment of self/others Defusion and acceptance of negative

feedback Others?

What have you taken?

In pairs: what have you taken from this workshop?

Personal work – committed action for friendship & community building: make one commitment

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Parting Words

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Attachment Repertoires

Low reinforcement, Moderate ignoring, High punishment

‘Fearful-Avoidant’ Avoid close others to avoid threat

they pose Difficulty forming relationships;

relationships often very brief

Attachment Repertoires

Low reinforcement, High ignoring, Low punishment

‘Avoidant-dismissive’ Virtual absence of nurture-seeking

because they learned that it gets ignored

Often lonely, and not in relationships