= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = =

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = = CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOURStill can't be arsed- MortarionNecron architecture is a strange thing; seemingly made up of 2/3rds pointless bottomless pits and 1/3rd pointless glowing hieroglyphics, with a small fraction of alien geometries of the type where they've someone managed to obtain an extra 48.5 degrees from what should be a perfect triangle. Of course, the Necrontyr would point out that a triangle where all the corners add up to just 360 degrees is prime demonstration of Humanity's ineptitude in basic trigonometry, and pi equals 3 quite nicely thank you very much. Still, they are the only species in written record who invented the pocket calculator before the wheel (as well as the coffin before the crib) ...It is inside a classic example of Necrontyr architecture that we find out deity (and Magnus) heroes ...Khorne: I could be destroying civilisations right now ... reducing worlds to ash ... instead I'm carving through endless hordes of undying robots who don't even have the common decency to scream when they die ...Nurgle: I thought you said they were undying?Khorne: Don't pick on my sentences! I've already got Tzeentch pointing out the flaws in my grammar!Tzeentch: Hey, one of my greatest inventions is the written language. What better way to screw with people's minds (and get sad geeks arguing about the exact use of the word 'or' in a ruling for pages of Internet forum text)?Magnus: Not my fault that the rules for 'Veil of Time' made no sense ...Falal: Relax dear, I'm sure those other ... oh ... two individuals who joined with you in that lengthy discussion appreciated the effort you put into when you analysed Pete Haine's exact wording in a lengthy journey that finished with a psychoanalysis of the guy and the conclusion that the lack of clear rules in the 4th Edition Space Marine Codex was clear indication that he wanted to sleep with his mother ... where the hell did that come from?Magnus: FreudTzeentch: Figures. Hey, what the hell is that? She points at a great door in front of them, covered in the strange writing of the Necrontyr.Magnus: This looks familiar ... I believe I've seen this somewhere before ...Tzeentch: In a dream? A prophecy?Magnus:Retrieving a small book from a pouch at his side. No, the 'Tourist's Guide to Necrontyr Tomb Worlds, 42,006 Edition'Falal: Wow ... has Tzeentch just been rendered speechless? This is priceless, can I have a picture of her face? Thanks NurgleTzeentch: BitchFalal: WhoreSlaanesh: Yes?Magnus: Now that's just sad. Can anyone here read Necrontyr?Falal: Oh sure, that was one of the courses I took at AdMech Uni, along with Advanced Quantum Fusion Mechanics and Mechadendrite Conversion Courses ...Magnus: Now, I would normally see that as sarcasm but I've seen some of your 'specialised' mechadendrites and that one with the vibrate function leaves me in no doubt that the last part of your rant is somewhat true ...Falal: ... maybeMagnus: Hah! You're not as dumb as you'd like us to think you are!

Tzeentch: It says 'No Smoking'

Magnus: ... seriously?

Tzeentch: Seriously

Magnus: What did ancient Necrontyr smoke? Why do they still have a 'no smoking' sign when their entire species are now undying robots?

Tzeentch: I don't know. You asked what the sign read, I told you!

Magnus: All of it? That's a lot of circles and lines on that door!

Tzeentch:Waves her hand dismissively. There's something about a Tome of Tropes beyond, but I didn't think that worth mentioning ...

Magnus: ... where you asleep during the Exposition, where I told everyone what we're looking for?

Tzeentch: Hey, I have a lot on my mind. You can't expect me to keep track of every little thing your mortal mouth comments on

Magnus: Er ... yeah ... whatever ... so any clues on how to open the door?

Tzeentch: It says 'push to open'

Magnus: Reaches out and pushes on the door with one hand. It swings open. Do they make it this easy for our convenience?

Falal: More like theirs. Did you honestly expect them to put up with walking through booby-trapped doors on a daily working basis? I think management would probably get the sack after the first accident with the moving laser fences guarding the men's room ...

Magnus: Good point ... but still ... this is a little too easy ...

Khorne: Why complain? Do you want everything to be more hassle than it's worth?

Magnus: This is worth a lot of hassle, thank you!

Khorne: Don't encourage him

Magnus: Who?

Khorne:Points at Lastie.

Bugger off, I'm too busy painting ungodly amounts of 'Battle for Black Reach' Orks to care ...

Khorne: Hmm ... lesser beings than ourselves could take advantage of this ...

Magnus: Luckily we're not lesser beings ... are we?

Silence.

Damn Deffkoptas ... right, where are all of you? I want to throw something big and gribbly with 'We'll Be Back!' at you ... hello? Hello? Oh bugger, they've scampered ... with that damn Plot Device they kept mentioning ...

Magnus:Running like hell through the tomb complex with the Tome of Tropes under his arm. Keep running! I hear the sounds of Author Vengeance approaching!

Falal: Stop ... ... running! I'm ... carrying ... ... half a tonne ... of metal ... inside me!

Tzeentch: Can we sacrifice her to aide our escape?

Magnus: Tempting ...

Falal: What?

Magnus: The bright side of this is that when we get back to the portal she'll be too exhausted to kick my ass ...

Slaanesh: Ooh! Opportunity!

Perturabo: "Joy ..."

Lion El'jonson: "Hey, at least you've been featured in the last 30 chapters ... what the hell am I doing?!?"

Fulgrim: "Having hot hippy-style sex with a certain flower girl?"

Lion El'jonson: "You know, the transition from 40K parody to bad cross-over fan fiction was so subtle with Primarchs I completely missed the shark jumping ..."

Angron: "I've got some shark-chucks if you want to jump over those"

Lion El'jonson: "... words fail me. That is all I have to say on the matter"

Roboute Guilliman: "Hey guys! Check out the new Space Marine Codex! My blue boys are so pimped out it's insane!"

Lion El'jonson: Looks at new shiny SM Codex, looks at his own Codex: Dark Angels ... "This is so unfair, I am actually at a loss for words ..."

Roboute Guilliman: "Hey bro! It's no big deal - you could always join us!"

Rogal Dorn: Sensing the impending doom. "Oh shi - EVERYONE TAKE COVER!"

Ahem ...

Still can't think of-- Mortarion, Primarch of the Death GuardOh for ****'s sake Mort! Say something interesting!- Ev'rii, his unlikely wifeEr ... beware mouldy sandwiches, for they lead to unpleasant passing of Nurgle's clay- Mortarion, Primarch of the Death GuardEw ... gross- Ev'rii, his unlikely wifeThe great Hall of Variable Scale was constructed as an effigy to the glorious nature of science fiction writers to have little sense of scale when it came to the vastness of space and the objects contained within it. To quote Douglas Adams: Space is big, really big. To be fair, little on Earth can quite prepare the Human mindset to how gigantically-enormous-mammoth-gargantuan space really is. So it's somewhat understandable that those who dabble in the art of writing fictional stories set in space sometimes fail to understand the sheer scale of the backdrop they write their stories in. This is probably why most space battles happen within several miles of each other, which would be the equivalent, if the action was transplanted onto a more terrestrial ocean, of war galleons fighting each other with a space of about two inches between their hulls. When you have all that room, it's a little silly to be so close. Kudos to Battlefleet Gothic for grasping this concept, it must be said. I digress; the Hall of Variable Scale is between two metres to two miles in length, and can change depending on the descriptive narrative. The variable nature of its size allows all sorts of meetings to be held within, from simple office talk to grand banquets held in the honour of the Plot Hole. It is within this space of unverifiable size that we find the former EMPEROR OF MANKIND! and his traitorous son Konrad Curze (a.k.a. Night Haunter) enjoying the ancient and noble game of poker (Morder Hold 'em rules) with several other prominent members of the Plot Hole's inner hierarchy.EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Swatting a glowing ball with wings away from his face. Will someone get this damn thing away from me?Navi the Fairy: HEY LISTEN!Link: Sorry about that. I've tried to house-train herGiant Smoke Cloud: At least it's not that damn irritating fanged kid that insisted on riding on your back all the timeEMPEROR OF MANKIND!:That sounds interesting ...Link: It's not, really. I'm not even sure which me had the problem. I'm not even sure which me I am, let alone when I am, who I am, and why the hell I'm still fighting Ganondorf. You'd think by now I could ... you know ... kill him?Sephiroth: You're in a Nintendo franchise; they don't allow death, bad language, sex, or Easy ModeNavi the Fairy: HEY LISTEN!Konrad Curze: This might be a little late to constitute as flowing dialogue, but didn't we already kill you in an earlier plot arc from ... say ... last season?Sephiroth: That was in a horrific future vision brought about by misuse of the Fish of Time and Games Workshop finally realising you can't run a company on starter sets and painting intros alone, selling themselves to Square-Enix (in a strange and completely unnatural business venture) like a little niche market company whoreKonrad Curze: But ... we killed youSephiroth: That ... was ... the ... futureEMPEROR OF MANKIND!: ... I'm confusedNavi the Fairy: HEY! LISTEN!Giant Smoke Cloud: Could someone shut that thing up?EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Who the hell are you anyway (and how the hell can smoke hold cards)?Giant Smoke Cloud: Never watched Lost then? I'm all that's left after the entire island and everyone on it imploded upon itself after reaching Critical Plot FailureEMPEROR OF MANKIND!: What's that?Giant Smoke Cloud: When the number of plot holes in a given story outnumber the plots themselves, a story suffers Critical Plot Failure. The results aren't pretty look at Twin Peaks for exampleEMPEROR OF MANKIND!: I'd rather not. Mulholand Drive almost gave me a seizure trying to figure it out ... come to think of it our universe has quite a few plot holes ...Konrad Curze: The latest series of publications has recently introduced a whole lot more ... Both Curze and the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! look at each other; the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! raises an eyebrow. EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: Smokey ... could, by any chance, a Critical Plot Failure be forced into happening?Giant Smoke Cloud: I doubt any self-respecting author would force more plot holes into his story than actual plot substance, but it might be possible within the story by the characters themselves if they had access to any in-universe fourth-wall breakersKonrad Curze: Like a laptop belonging to the Head of Intellectual Property for Games Workshop?Giant Smoke Cloud: I guess ...Navi the Fairy: HEY! LISTEN!EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: NO! YOU LISTEN! REJECTED!= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =Meanwhile outside a Necron tomb world ...Falal: Stop ... ... running! Collapses on the dusty ground.Magnus spins round and scoops her up in one massive arm with a sigh. Khorne: Why am I running? I don't do running! People run from me!Nurgle: Sometimes discretion is the better part of valourKhorne: Screw valour! They ret-conned that crap out of me in 3rd Ed!Slaanesh: Not wishing to be the harbinger of bad news, but do you guys feel that ominous vibration in the ground? The type that kind of suggests something big, nasty, and possible chock-full of hit points is going to appear and signal a boss fight?The ground does indeed erupt spewing forth something big, nasty and definitely chock-full of hit points (some one million of them). Necron Platinum Commander: TIME TO DIE FOOLISH FALSE GODS!Khorne: Excuse me? False?Nurgle: Lets keep running ...Magnus: Can't run from a boss fightTzeentch: I'm afraid he's right. Guess we'll have to fight this oneKhorne: Unleashes a feral grin. With pleasure Great tendrils of warp energy coil around him, and when they disperse he stands holding a huge staff with two Bloodthirsters on either end. One of them wields twin axes and looks rather irritated, the other's just big. Skarbrand, An'ggrath look lively! It's showtime guys!Khorne leaps at the Platinum Commander and unleashes hell with the Bloodthirster-staff. Nurgle summons forth a vile stream of half-digested pizza from within his great gut and projectile vomits it out upon the Necron construct. Tzeentch and Magnus summon the greatest energy of the warp and unleash it upon the boss, while Slaanesh sits back and reads hentai.Tzeentch: Noticing Slaanesh's lack of involvement. Why aren't you doing anything?Slaanesh: Er ... hello? All my powers involve emotions, which the Necrons have none. Except hatred, and that's Khorne's domain anyway. Have fun, I'll be here if you need a Cure spell or something ...Falal: On the ground exhausted. I'll just pass out here ... if that's OK with everyone?The gods retreat back and check on the damage they've caused this turn.Tzeentch: Crap! Our magicks have done nothing! Bloody Necron anti-psyker gear!Khorne: My sword is ineffectual! It appears their natural resistance to the Warp extends to weapons summoned from it as well ... this enemy is powerful indeedNurgle: At least the paint scheme has been improvedKhorne: Indeed ... how the hell did you get carrot chunks from pizza?Nurgle: There's always carrot chunks in vomitSlaanesh: Charming ...Tzeentch: Ideas gentlemen?Ominous latin chanting begins.Tzeentch: Where's that coming from?Magnus: Points up. HimDescending from the sky, Lion El'jonson plunges, katana-first, into the Necron Platinum Commander.Lion El'jonson hits Platinum Commander for 101,000,100 damage! (Critical)

As the Necron construct collapses in a pile of twisted metal, the Lion calmly walks over to the gods, sheathing his Katana of Emo Angst on the way. Lion El'jonson: Greetings brother, greetings Winifred Ex Machina ... and hello to you too, False Dark Gods of Chaos ... did I miss anything?Magnus: Whispering out of the corner of his mouth to an indignant Tzeentch. You've got to admit, he knows how to make an entrance ...

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIXCan't spell slaughter without laughter!- Harlequin battle cryMagnus: Not wishing to sound ungrateful for your timely intervention-Tzeentch: Muttering under her breath. Could have taken it on. Didn't need Angst McAngsty spoiling things with his wavy bishonen hair and flashy Japanese sword ...Magnus: -but what are you doing here?Lion El'jonson: Saving your ass, what does it look like? I was tired of being forgotten in the narrative so I skipped to the story arc currently being featured and cut my way in ... literally, it seemsKhorne: Well you can cut your way out. We don't need any snivelling corpse-god-loving emos 'helping' us outLion El'jonson: Yes, of course. You're the all-powerful Dark Gods of Chaos and can do anything ... except, it seems, attract competent followersKhorne: Opens his mouth, then closes it. Yeah you're right. Horus was useless ...Nurgle: How many of our followers actually are competent? How many fail horrifically at basic tasks, utter clich villainous dialogue at every opportunity, and even commit the greatest sin of all by indulging in maniacal laughter?Tzeentch: Good point. Remind me to email everyone copy of the Evil Overlord List, and instruct them all (especially Ezekyle) to memorise every single damn one of those pointsKhorne: But then we might breed followers smart enough to realise the inherent downside to following dark gods of known petty capriciousness! Nurgle: As if they'd ever turn on us WE PAY THEIR GODS-DAMN MUTATION SALARIES!Tzeentch: Nurgle, and it pains me to admit this, has a point they can't live without us. They're addicted to our awesome Daemonic Gifts. They want them. They need them. They-Magnus: Aren't in the current Chaos CodexTzeentch: Oh ... gods-damn Gav Thorpe ... if I ever get my hands on him ...Slaanesh: Kinky. You like games designers then?Lion El'jonson: Moving to stand beside Magnus as the two Primarchs watch in mild amusement as the Chaos gods bicker amongst themselves. Got what you came for?Magnus: Raises an eyebrow. Are you in on this ridiculously convoluted plan of Alpharius' too?Lion El'jonson: Probably. He helped fund the Caliban reconstruction project, convinced me to go out with Aerith (how I still can't figure out to this day), gave the chapter a laundrette so we can finally wash those blood stains out of our robes, and gave me this cool sword The sword is unsheathed, and Lion swings it about. A faint voice can be heard on the wind from the sword:Katana of Emo Angst: CRAAAAWWWWLIIIINNGGG INNNNN MAAAA SKIIIINNNN!!!Magnus: Oh dear god in the Warp ...Tzeentch: Yes dear?Falal: Waking up from her brief spell of unconsciousness. Shut it bitch, he was talking to meLion El'jonson: It occurs to me that perhaps the largest indication that this entire existence is but the mere fabrication in the mind of a gamer that an individual like Magnus has somehow managed to obtain two powerful deities who manifest their avatars in the guise of considerably attractive women and fight for his affection. This is all obviously fictionMagnus: Better than factLion El'jonson: TouchMagnus: You're just jealousLion El'jonson: Oh indeed. I am insanely jealous that you get Mystic Meg and Two-Face for your girlfriends. Enjoy them. BothTzeentch: Can I turn him into a Horror?Magnus: Relax. He's just bitter than somehow he's been dumped with Miss Yandere of Final Fantasy 1997-2008Lion El'jonson: He barely suppresses a shudder. She's not right! No one can be that cheerful and still be ... a functional human being! And those pink dresses! And my god-on-His-throne; that fringe! That thing defies gravity by itself! It makes no logical sense!Magnus: Here to escape her then?Lion El'jonson: Don't make me go back there! She wants to get my hair styled!Magnus: Winces. Ouch. Stick with us. We're saving the universeLion El'jonson: Again?Magnus: Amazing how often the universe seems to land itself in trouble. You'd think by now it would have taken out some insurance or something ...Lion El'jonson: Can't complain. Gives me something to do. All right guys; you can come out now!The bushes around them stir as most of the Dark Angels chapter sheepishly appear.Magnus: Wow ... she's made an impact then?Lion El'jonson: You have no idea= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =Legions upon legions of orc warriors stand before the Space Wolves, themselves arrayed around the pub like an awesome barrier of badassery. A little jostling occurs within their ranks, and the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion/Whatever They're Calling Themselves Now stand between their loyalist kin. Abaddon the Despoiler stands next to Leman Russ with a look of barely restrained glee at the upcoming prospect of mass violence. Abaddon: Think we can take them?Leman Russ: Glances over. What a stupid questionA single orc stands before the others, his armour five times larger than himself, and his shoulder pads larger still. Grom Hellscream: Listen, children of the Workshop of Games! Listen well to what I say! Your time is at an end; the Plot Hole devours all in its path! No narrative is too well-written, to coherent, too good to suffer the Plot Hole! When my lord has finished with you, but a single emotion shall rule your hearts! Stilted dialogue shall be all that leaves your lips, and clich tropes shall rule your actions! You will be mono-dimensional characters, servants before the might of the Plot Hole! Hear me as I ... are you actually listening to me?Leman Russ and Abaddon look up from where they have spent the last monologue sitting back on deckchairs sipping ice-cold beer. Abaddon: Are you finished yet? You realise no one actually gives a damn about what you're saying?Grom Hellscream: You insult me?Abaddon: Oh please. You killed a single demon and died in the process.You know how many demons I've killed? More than you've got hair on your balls greeny ... oh wait, that was incredibly rude of me; I assumed you had balls ...Grom Hellscream: Rages and hurls his axe into the ground. You will die for that insult!Abaddon: Uses the /taunt emote with the Talon of Horus. Come on greeny let's danceGrom Hellscream: CHARGE!Leman Russ: SPACE WOLVES! FIGHT LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!Abaddon: Isn't that Warmachine's slogan? Oh hell with it THIS IS FOR STEALING OUR ORCS YOU BLIZZARD BASTARDS!Needless to say, the two armies collide in a maelstrom of blood, gore, some more blood, a little more gore, and one very irate Venerable Dreadnought.

= = = P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S = = = CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVENI'm a Space Marine! I'm a Space Marine! Suck my boltgun; I'm a Space Marine!- Universal Chapter war cryThe sprawling labyrinthine Imperial complexes that cover the majority of the surface of Luna are not known for their appealing aesthetics; Imperial structural engineers much prefer functionality and large amounts of skulls (generally their own after the building is finished) for their structures. Still, as ugly as the buildings may be, those who slaved for years to build them in the vacuum of space would probably shed a few tears as the small Kabalite Eldar party led by the Night Elf-turned-daemonic poster boy Illidan Stormrage tear through the structure destroying all in their way. Illidan Stormrage: Coming to a halt at a junction. Which way? Right or left?Drazhar: Shrugs. Do I look like I can read mon-keigh-speak?Urien Rakarth: Relax. All we're looking for is the embarkation lounge for the Luna-Terra skyhook transway. It shouldn't be too difficult to find the required words on this signpost ... oh my ... it is rather long isn't it?Illidan Stormrage: Knowing these superstitious humans it's probably one long prayer to their gods of directional discovery and preventing their pitiful minds from getting lost in this accursed place ... I swear these buildings follow no logic or reasonUrien Rakarth: Like the Black Temple?Illidan Stormrage: Got lost? Learn to play ... noobUrien Rakarth: Such unsightly language should not befall your dialogue Illidan. It really does not suit youIllidan Stormrage: Grimaces. Apologies. I've been feeling somewhat violated since the release of that accursed MMO and its abysmal expansion pack ... or perhaps this is merely the Metzen-induced insanity I'm apparently suffering ... if I say anything out of character again ...Urien Rakarth: I get to hurt you?Illidan Stormrage: ... please inform me ... unless you desire death to visit you?Urien Rakarth: You can try you horned freak ...Drazhar: Quiet! Both of you! I'm trying to guess the direction we should goUrien Rakarth: It's a 50/50 chance Drazhar; if we take the wrong path we merely back-track and take the other pathDrazhar: That could cost us time we don't have. Haven't you noticed the count-down timer in the corner of your vision?They all try and gaze out of the corner of their eyes.Urien Rakarth: What is that?Drazhar: It started when Vect gave us our mission objectives-Illidan Stormrage: I noticed those listed on the right hand side of my vision ... do you have 'Destroy Communications Array' highlighted?Drazhar: Yes; that means we've finished that particular step of the quest. You're from Warcraft, you should know how the system works!Illidan Stormrage: If you are referring to the abomination mortals name World of Warcraft I have told you before; I do not recognise the existence of that product!Urien Rakarth: That does mean you should still be lying flat on your ass in the snow after Arthas kicked your mutated behindIllidan Stormrage: Arthas! If I ever find that fallen Marty Stu of a character!= P = R = I = M = A = R = C = H = S =Arthas/The Lich King: Hello ... someone's talking about me ...Horus: Ignore it He takes a step forward. We have bigger fish to fry ... or rather pathetic little demons to bitch-slapThe great demonic entity before them roars his fury.Kil'jaeden: Pathetic mortals! Know that I, Kil'jaeden, known as the Deceiver, Legionlord, right hand of Sargeras, final boss of the Sunwell Plateau, all-round-The sound that Horus' hand makes as the Warmaster back-slaps the man'ari eredar is akin to planets slapping together ... if sound could transmit in space ... Horus: Shut up bitch and listen. We want your loot. Give us all of it. Including your Tier 7 stuffKil'jaeden: Picking up his teeth. I don't know what you're talking aboutSLAP!Horus: Tier 7 stuff. I know you stole it from Blizzard' R&D department the other weekKil'jaeden: But it's not balanced!SLAP!Kil'jaeden: It has knockback effects and reduces all spells to instant cast!SLAP!Kil'jaeden: It's more broken that the Sword of a Thousand Truths!SLAP!Horus: That's why I want itKil'jaeden: You won't be able to handle the power! It will destroy you!Horus: Grabs the horns of the demon and draws Kil'jaeden's face close to his. Do I look like a man who can be easily destroyed? Know who you speak to you sad pathetic excuse for a galactic end-game threatKil'jaeden: It appears someone is going to have to teach you manners ... There is a sudden release of arcane energies, and Horus is knocked flying backwards (knockback! In action!). The demon rises and his grotesque (but undeniably cool) form dominates the room. Behold the might of overpowered Blizzard BBEG's! He reaches out his arms and unleashes a torrent of burning fire that scorches Horus and his group.Hecate: Prayer of Fire Protection, Rank: Primarch! As she speaks a shimmering shield of burning webs covers the party, and the fire storm unleashed by Kil'jaedon washes over them without effect. Unbalanced Spell Buff for permanent crits!Kil'jaeden: Permanent what?!?SLAP!Horus: She said crits, as in 'critical hits' dumbass SLAP! SLAP! PUNCH! Kil'jaeden flies backwards, tearing through the architecture. Kil'jaeden: How can a character from a British franchise contain so much power? You should be weak; a pushover with bad dental work and a pathetic love of tea! I'm an American character! I don't do losing!!Hecate: Rubbing two fingers together. And this is the world's smallest violin playing just for you ...Horus: Consider that the fat lady's song He spots his sister's expression. Not that Hecate's in any way not a perfect size ... something ... whatever is currently in fashion ... now about that gear we were talking about ...Kil'jaeden: It was not made for you ...Horus: Then I'll have it resized. Now quite your whining and hand over the loot ... and I swear if it's tokens or anything I will end youKil'jaeden: Waves a hand, and several suits of armour rise from the ground. Have it. I would wish you luck ... but frankly I don't give a ****, and it would make my life pleasing if you died in the process of wielding this armourHorus: Punches out Kil'jaeden as he gazes upon his new acquisitions. Whatever. You Blizzard characters are all talk and no punch He reaches out and grasps the helm of the nearest armour. About time I got an upgrade: came back from the dead nothing. Suffered training from a bitchy short Chinese guy got nothing. Destroyed half an Eldar fleet through badly narrated circumstances still got nothing. Claimed the Fish of Time and defeated the C'tan? Again, nothing. Defended Terra from crazy necromancers and the vanguard assault of a living narrative discontinuity? More nothing! Died again! Got raised as an undead lich(e) ... now I got something He finishes putting on the armour. He turns to face his companions. Time to kick an unholy amount of ass

PART XII: NONDESCRIPT A-HOLES OF THE UNIVERSECHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY EIGHTWhat are the greatest things in life? To defeat your enemies, loot their corpses, and sell the crap stuff on eBay- Khrn the BetrayerThe sounds of battle fill the morning air; the screams of the dying, the battle cries of the living, and the clicking of camera shutters as the WNN news team record every detail for live streaming Internet viewing.WNN Reporter: Facing the camera. And we're here live as the glorious forces of our immortal God-Emperor rage victorious over the heretical forces of the foul green-skin xenos A rather large orc hears this last comment, finishes decapitating a Space Wolf, then turns around and politely taps the reporter on her shoulder.Grom Hellscream: Er ... excuse me. What's 'xenos'?WNN Reporter: Momentarily caught off-balance, but recovering spectacularly. Alien, foreign, not of this world, etc.Grom Hellscream: Ah ... sorry to disturb you ... Raises Gorehowl high above his head. FOR THE PLOT HOLE!! He charges back into the melee, which greets him with the sound of the dying, the battle cries of the ... no I've already done that description ...Makes you realise how difficult if must be writing a Black Library novel: how to make the same damn battles seem unique and ... well ... interesting. Thankfully that's not my job. I'm just here to pull their work to pieces.Getting back on topic, we once again return our attention to the raging battle between the forces of Grom Hellscream, newly proclaimed Warlord of the Plot Hole, and the combined might of the Space Wolves, led by the Primarch Leman Russ, the Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus/Black Legion/Whatever, led by the self-proclaimed Warmaster Ezekyle Abaddon, and the Imperial Fists, led by the Primarch Rogal Dorn. There was a frighteningly large amount of commas in that previous sentence ... I think I can hear my old English teacher crying in her sleep ...Rogal Dorn: Raising the Fist of Dorn (it's a thunder hammer, apparently) high above his (slightly rotting by now, as he is technically undead) head. FOR THE EMPEROR!Abaddon: Raises Drach'nyen (his glow, insta-killing daemon sword) above his pony-tailed head. FOR CHAOS!Leman Russ: Raises Anaris, Sword of Dawnlight, (remember when he obtained it from a dead craftworld and used it to kick the Nightbringer's ass?-Magnus the Red: Actually, didn't we defeat the Nightbringer with rules exploitation?-whatever, anyway Russ still has it. Jaina Proudmoore (of Warcraft fame) wanted to steal that, but for some reason thought it was a spear and stole the Spear of Russ instead. She hasn't returned it yet.Jaina Proudmoore: I wanted to, but I'm stuck with this creepy vampire dude, his bitchy Elven girlfriend, Alpharius, and a talking painting. Not getting anywhere fast ...Dammit. This was only supposed to be a small comment in parenthesis, not a whole freaking discussion! Anyway, Anaris, Russ still has it) ... oh dammit I forgot where I was. Backtracking ...Leman Russ: Raises Anaris, Sword of the Dawnlight, above his head. FOR THE BEER! [Author's Note:Damn, the joke's ruined now I've spent too long explaining why he has an Eldar sword ...]WNN Reporter: And our glorious leaders ... and the arch-traitor Abaddon, who, God-Emperor willing, is currently our tentative ally ... lead the glorious forces of the Imperium to glory, to victory, to ... wait ... they're going back?!? What happened? She chases after Rogal Dorn. The camera man follows her. Excuse me, Lord Dorn? What happened?Rogal Dorn: Turns around and addresses both the reporter and the camera man sheepishly. False charge. The referee states it was a false chargeWNN Reporter: Nodding she turns away and chases after a large man in black and white stripped armour. Excuse me? What happened? Do you care to comment?Referee: Illegal charge! They measured range before Hellscream could declare his charge reaction! We're returning everyone to their original places to try again. Now if you'll excuse me He turns away and starts gesturing madly at the orcs.WNN Reporter: Turns to the camera. A stunning foul for the Imperial side. What will this mean for future turns? Stay tuned to find out!>> STATIC